Are you selfish?
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- Опубліковано 15 чер 2024
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#selfhealers, I'd love to hear your take on this one. All my love, Nicole
On point!! I just wrote in my journal today
"You do not have to feel guilty for doing the things you love & enjoy. These 'things' that seem so simple (and are typically dismissed by others) are actually your Gifts! When you discredit and abuse yourself ofr enjoying them, you distance yourself from Love."
Peace,
I love all of your videos, you are such a blessing!! And are so brave!!
*for
These are all things that were completely destroyed/non-existant in my life. I am able to "be" now.
@@quinnm.3127 What's proving to be the most difficult thing for me is to re-activate the inspiration to do the things I love.
After so long, you forget how to be motivated by the things that bring you peace and happiness! Were trained to forget that and only be motivated for some kind of reward
On a COVID related note, it's not selfish right now to say no to video chatting/phone calling multiple times per day or with certain groups of people, just because we are all stuck at home at this time. Some people don't seem to understand this right now and it's very draining.
Me clicking the email for this video: “Oh no, am I selfish?”
Nicole: “You are not selfish.”
“What looks like laziness is often exhaustion” - Chip Heath. Yesterday I found this quote and dug deeper into why I’m feeling guilty and tired on a daily basis. I guess it’s my mothers voice telling me I’m lazy + my guilt because of not being able to meet her expectations. And I’ve already done A LOT of work. It’s still deep inside. And this video resonates with me. Thank you.
Kamila Zavalina 💕 I hear you.
I'm with you 100%
Grandmother, but same!! 😞😞
same with my parents
Omg!! Yes same here ... so grateful I learnt this now and am retraining my mind and reality. 💕
I hated this revelation, but I realized I was finding someone selfish when they were doing all of the things mentioned, but I wasn't, and I resented them for it. Time to prioritize myself. Maybe that way I wouldn't resent anyone prioritizing themselves now.
#coldhardtruth
Felt uncomfortable for me admitting that, too, but that was the first step in the right direction I had to go
@@TheAyukism I agree it's the right direction, and it's not easy. It takes constant self reminder!
I think it’s selfish to be all about yourself with zero regard for others, but making sure you’re okay before tackling others’ needs is not only not selfish, but ✨essential✨
It’s about authenticity & balance
So, basically, all of the reasons I thought I was selfish are actually not selfish. Yikes! Good to know.
I can so relate, I lost myself and became so burnt out because I placed everyone before myself. It is so refreshing
now to just say no
*I'm also trying to not feel selfish for asking for things.* And being denied. 💓💓
I just learned recently, when you stop giving all to everyone, they get mad. I also learned that their anger is their problem. My problem is not saying no. That is no longer my problem. Their anger is still also, not my problem.
Have finally claimed my "selfishness" as a gift enabling me to show up best for myself and others and the world! Hallelujah to this entire message.
Not showing up in long term relationships anymore has been very hard for me! It makes me feel like I don’t try hard enough or am not tolerant enough..... when it is the reverse, when someone takes us out of their lives, it hurts! So hurting people for our peace of mind or whatever you want to call it is VERY hard to do and comfortably live with. It is hard to put a positive spin on it..... especially when that person lashes out.
Thank you! Sometimes it's hard to let go, come down from the ledge of the people pleasing addiction.... "just this once, just so they know I'm not mad and we're okay"... "No! It's okay, you're okay, you're not being mean, you're just choosing you sweetie." it's a vicious cycle, especially when you care so much about someone.
I really needed to hear this message today. 💕 I was raised with individuals with no boundaries for themselves; but they placed boundaries around me to not take care of myself and to constantly do for others, or I was "selfish" and/or "lazy".
I am so tired after working with certain individuals. After hearing this, I realize that I am in fact, placing those limits on myself because if I don't do everything and take care of everything they ask me to (or at times, doing tasks that I think they want me to) that I would be seen as selfish, lazy, and not doing my part, even though I am doing above and beyond my part.
Thank you for helping me to become aware of my self inflicted limits and for helping me to learn more and more about how to take care of myself, so that I have more love and compassion available for me and others. 🥰
It takes so much bravery to take any one of these freedom steps because the people around us are used to depending on us for everything. It took time for my loved ones to get used to my new me. It’s so liberating to say no without feeling guilty. Thank you.
What I have found is the older I get, the less I care about what anyone else thinks. I am 59 and feel pretty positive and full. I am happily divorced, my kids are grown, and I live on my own and making my way through life. I used to think I was being selfish. Now I am just happy to do what I like, when I like. The only thing is, that stops me from wanting to get out and date again and have a relationship. Cuz I'm happy most of the time. No compromise. But then no relationship growth either. So I am kind of sitting on the fence, but ok doing so for now.
Thank you for this Nicole. 🙏🏼 I mistook self care for being selfish for a very long time. So I would feel guilt whenever I would try to say no, create boundaries, or show up for myself. Self care is not selfish. Selfish is about taking... self care is about giving. The more I give to myself, prioritize my health and wellness, do what makes me happy, the more my cup is full to fill into others, the more I want to give to others. #selfcareisnotselfish 💯💞
Thank you for this!!.
Damn this my exact situation 😴 sending you love queen!! 💖🙂
I am happy for you and hope that you are doing very well now.
It's funny because this "selfishness" gives me more resentment towards myself.
I feel guilty that I don't give enough, be enough, do enough...it's never enough.
It's like you have been following me around for 40 years lol....it does 100% lead to burn out & big resentments. Since I created the shift in my life by putting ME 1st and my concentration is on my healing & unravelling the conditioning. I emotionally rescued many around me but specifically my mother. I felt that would lead to live & acceptance. Those around me, especially my family notice the change in me. They were hesitant at 1st and pushed back yet now that they can see how much happier I am they are curious. I just spent this past week with them since we are in this virus crisis. You recently posted about how just 1 person in a family can stop the generational disorder and shift it. I can see that happening in my own family and it's so beautiful. All 4 of us needed and had real healing during my visit. I can't thank and enough for the work you do. I feel grateful to be present enough in my own life to create the life I have always wanted. Inner peace and happiness is the best gift ❤❤❤❤
This sounds like my story! 🥰🤗 Dr. Nicole was the one who started to open my eyes and the shift has been wonderful. No more looking after everyone else 1st. Been working on where this sits in my body and releasing the pain, gulit, and feelings of not being worthy. Huge weights being lifted off!!
I resonate with this video and your work again Dr Nicole. You are a gem to this world.
Thank you so much for this
Yes. I’m healing from that. It’s life or death for me. I was dying from addiction until several months ago when I made a choice for self and went to rehab. Relearning everything.
❤️
Thanks Nicole for your reminders! My dad, also my role model, made me always believe that loving myself first is a selfish act & it's not acceptable. I came to realize that's not right (or at least I understand self love in a different sense than how he does, I can't really articulate this to him) and I started on this journey of loving myself, such a new concept to me after spending time to all others around till burning myself out. I have been going months without plans and I have to admit it's so difficult to do so without self blame & feeling guilty for not attending to others' needs. But I really couldn't do that, I need the time for myself to recover and I slowly start to enjoy it. I know I'll get back to plans in the right time. I appreciate your work!
Squeaky Bear the best way ive had it explained is “you cant pour from an empty cup” if you feel youre pouring into others to fill your own cup, its codependency behaviors, not authentically giving. We shouldnt spend 24/7 doing ONLY things that make us happy, but we certainly need to set time apart for ourselves so we can show up for others. IMO we will always have things we dont want to do (dishes in my case) and they still must be done. We dont ONLY get to do what we want and always be gleeful about it. But we must have those behaviors be part of our journey. I will help people move not because i love moving crap, but because its an act of giving for a friend i love. But i cannot do that and 8 other acts of giving the same weekend. I have to put time for me in there. Balance it out. - that is how i am explaining this to myself, someone who previously didnt understand and had to have it drilled into me by a lot of assistants in my healing. -
I needed to hear this. I'm someone who show up for everyone and don't have a "no" in my dictionary even when it hurts so badly. Henceforth, I'm in charge of my happiness knowing that it is not selfish.
You do great job, thank you for that! And also subtitles are great. I don't speak fluent english so I can learn psychology and english both at the same time :)
Once again, thank you for being such a good healer 🌺
I needed to hear and absorb this today! This journey is so satisfying 🥰
Thank you for all of your work Dr. Nicole, and the text messages as well. ❤️
My pleasure, Kalan. Thank you for being here.
I used to show up for everyone and practice unhealthy empathy but now I put myself as priority and practice self care
What if it's family and not a friend? A mom? Is that relationship held to a higher priority of importance? I struggle with this. This video in my email today was Godsent during this time. Thank you Nicole.
Strange subject but triggered a memory, I was given sweets from a neighbour Christian and told not to give them to anyone else, my mother watching slapped my face and told me to share my sweets with my mates. Apparently I was selfish, yet I was told not to share the sweets. Your absolutely right NO should mean NO, it's not being selfish.
Such a beautiful message.
I have this very vivid memory of a kid from 6th grade who called me "selfish" because I didn't want to lend him my school stuff and I think that fucked my brain more than it already was so i spent my entire life showing up for other people and i wasn't aware .__.
I've finally overcome with all of the example you just mentioned except one: the promise ahead time. When I make promise to someone, I feel like I have to fulfil that promise no matter what. I think I owe that someone my time/attention/etc. I think that's one way to appreciate and respect myself. I mean, I respect myself so much, that I take seriously what I have said, what I promised. And I expect others will do that to me too
I have someone like that in my life and I find it...frustrating. Plans change and as long as you are not breaking them with the same person consistently, it should be ok to change them. When it becomes consistent, then it's time to put your foot down and call that person out on it however you feel comfortable doing so. I've had to do that with friends that kept canceling on me and they adjusted to avoid doing it again because they value our friendship. But to never cancel to the detriment of your own emotional well-being when you're feeling drained, angry, want to be alone, but "we made a commitment" is, to me, not honoring yourself.
I would love to hear a different side from someone other than the person in my life, in response to what I've laid out, please. Perspective is always helpful. :)
@@Kindri9 thank you for sharing :) yes I understand your first point. Sometimes there's unpredictable thing comes in way that plan has to change or cancel. And I think that's ok too, I understand that thing doesn't always work the way we want it.
Your second point, I'm not sure how to say it. I guess it depends on the situation. If you feel really drained and hold on to your promise and commitment requires sacrifice of your mental health, then I guess it's ok too. But if you just feel lazy or "don't feel like to do it" then maybe that's not ok. It seems like very thin border between those two condition, which I guess only you can sense the difference :)
Cancelling plans is ok - but doesnt that make you inconsiderate of someone else's time and feelings? Does that mean that being flaky is ok because you just don't feel like following through?
This is true. I always put everyone else first but at one point became physically and emotionally exhausted. I started to put me first. The majority took it very badly and I got so much crap about how selfish I was. It upset me at first especially one day when I went to check my Messenger and 13 out of 15 messages were negative. It made me cry and it almost made me change my mind. Many of them I cut off for good. Anyone who cannot understand or takes it personally can no longer be a part of my life. One thing we must consider is that in some cases we are not doing them any good. When someone comes to rely completely on another person for support they will never learn to find their own resources from within so we are actually doing more harm than good. Since I made these changes my pain levels have decreased considerably. Thank you Nicole! Much love to you.
I suppose having boundaries for myself are good however now I have zero friends😕
Avalon Mist for now. And being your authentic self you will find new friends that love you as you are, and it will be a much healthier experience. Good luck!
It's sad how people shame you when you change your mind about certain things and re-establish the boundaries.
Thank you so much for this.
I'm wondering how this works when you are the (single) parent to small children? I feel exhausted, burned out, resentful, and then guilty for feeling those things. Even when I have a break, it's like it is never enough. I still feel drained.
This is just what I really need now. Expecially to say No to people draining your energies
You rock!! Had a teacher tell me “ you have the right to say no, and have the right to change my mind” remember how it felt when I first heard that, and how it has helped me move and shift out of old patterns.
Loved this video❤️ thank you!!
Thank you thank you thank you! You are so spot on.
Thank you so much for this. I so needed to hear all of it! Grateful for your work
This is very timely - thank you!
Love the set up!
Oh! One of those moments. Saw another video and fell in love with your channel immediately. Subed !
You probably just made taking the next step in my self-discovery process possible.
Bless you for #4!
Thanks for clearing my confusion
Such a great service to "caption" your talks. Thx❤️
I’m loving the new layout! Thank you!
Just what I needed to hear, thank you!
I feel super burnt out...
thank you so much for this! and i'm also so thankful for the subtitles
Thank you, thank you, thank you! Just what I needed to hear.🙏
Thank you, I needed this today. Your videos are such a blessing. 💕
Your videos always come right on time, right on the subject I needed. Thank you
Thank you soo much for that video, i really need it❣❣❣🔥
You’re so precious! I started the video and found myself taking deep breaths for the first time in a few days and was amazed. Thank you so much for your work. So glad to have crossed paths on this life journey. 💙✨
what a lovely new space and set up (oooo techy! ;) ) big hugs and loads of love . thanks for these reminders.
Such helpful video, Thank You Nicole.
This was a much needed video for me to live without guilt & shame! Thank you Dr!♥️
Feels so good that someone says it’s okay to be there for myself, could not say no for such a long time😌
Love this lesson Dr. Nicole, very helpful for me in taking better care of myself.
thanks, nicole! you are one special human being!
Very helpful! Thank you 😊 gave me clarity about me & other areas in my life.
Thank you Dr Nicole for amazing video.🙏
Thank you for this video! Do relate to it, and you explain it in a very clear way. All the best from the Netherlands! 💚🙏🏻
Beautiful video! More like this revolving around self-love and self-care please 💕
This is so great. Thank you once again Nicole for putting some perspective out there and letting me know " IT'S OKAY " to say no and feel happy without any guilt, IT'S OKAY!!!! I hope you're well. Thank you again. Im loving all your videos so far❣️
Thank you for this beautiful reminders. I felt a lot of resentment because i am not used to prioritize my self. This is very helpful.
Your words make me feel so safe. SO MANY things I wish we were taught. But it's never to late ❤️
Holy shit this has been my life! I’ve been working on this but NEVER got a clear professional trustworthy answer of what is allowed. This is everything I’ve needed. I’ve been burnt out for so long and put others first for sooooooo long. Finally I started to put myself first and it’s been so hard especially when others who were used to me prioritizing them get angry. But I know I’m not alone. And I know this is right. Thank you sooooo much, sending you so much love doc. ❤️🙏
Thank you for this! I find this particularly hard to implement when you have kids. So often I have felt guilty for setting that boundary with them because I recognize my mom did not set a lot of boundaries with me and my sister. So it definitely feels foreign.
You are an angel, helping us.
Such a great reminder to help feel normal 💜 thank you 🙏🏼
Wow, this information is life changing. I will show up differently alter hearing this information.
This was heaven sent 🙏.
In my third year of spirit guided selfhealing. A really difficult and complex one that has required a crazy expansion.
With complex trauma beginning at the age of two and from there a very difficult environment to grow up in and even more difficult people to protect myself from but had to rely on as caregivers.
I was/am like an empath from another world catapulted into earth and asked to manage it all on my own.
Life has never been normal in any way, but I have burnt myself out trying to learn and live in a way that doesn't eat me up.
As an adult, after fighting myself out of really bad family conditions, years of trying to make myself a "normal" life, I found out I have Asperger's, ADD, CPTSD, GAD and a reoccurring depression.
It through me off completely and I've had to learn to view myself and life differently.
So three years with guides showing me all my different aspects and shutting parts of me down to experience and understand each and every aspect by itself and then conflicting ones.
A mind bender to say the least.
I got to experience myself with and without each and every disorder and evolutionary aspect as a human.
For the past months I have been experiencing my lightbeing as my shadow and then as the shadow experiencing itself, and no, no psychedelics have ever been used 😄.
Exhausting. Meanwhile life still has to go on and I still have to face all the daily stuff. I am a single mother of two boys with similar neuropsychiatric disorders.
The (human) reason for all this intense selfwork is for me to live an easier and more abundant life , so it has really made me see my life from a kinds of perspectives.
Where I thought I had freed myself from the claws of my family, I had to realise that I was still living with shackles on.
During childhood my lifecircumstances forced me to create a persona to take on to survive. On the inside I would be in hell trying to find a light in the tunnel, which I always did. But it meant going to the depth of darkness until my soul stepped out and showed me me from its perspective. So I met the world from that perspective, no matter what i was put through in life or by others.
I think you see the problem now.
Nobody has ever seen the struggle that I live with. And when I look at myself from the outside i see it from a detached soulperspective, where my experiences are the gift providing my expansion and where life is an endless magical blessing to experience.
But when actually being in life living it, I'm struggling so hard that every day is about just getting through it.
So the expectations of myself are so off and it taring me apart start living from my human needs.
And dealing with autism doesn't make it any easier.
Boundaries?
Since my guides showed up my life has been turned upside down and stripped from everything and almost everyone that used to be in it.
Now I'm in a place of no work, no money, no car, no relationships of any kind whatsoever. Ground zero.
And all of the sudden family and old friends starts sms:ing.
BOUNDARIES!
Omg did I need this video 🙏.
It's like finding a lifeboat!
AND it actually made me see that "normal" people don't always know what to do either .
Thank you for such important topics. I've watched a bunch of your videos and each and everyone is like a handbook for me.
Thank you so much. You make the world a better place. Wish you all the best.
I find it so hard to say no to family as if I do I just feel so guilty . I totally agree with what your saying. I love getting up in the morning and then deciding what I want to do. Thank you for this and all your other posts.
Amen!!! DV Survivor and I have my feelers out All the time when ppl want to BS. TY for this! I don't think of it as Selfishness....just that I like taking care of myself and like having my healthy boundaries and my space. Yes, with this "c" thing going around some ppl are really nice and some ppl are just rude! Pls keep your videos coming...this Definitely validates me being in my right when it comes to toxic ppl. You would think in these tough times family would be nice but no..I've had to block them. Ty for letting me vent!!! 😇Now to my Self-Care😃:)
I hear you and feel ya on this. When times are tough other's true colors are revealed. Sometimes it's not what we need as we heal. Good for you for putting your self care and healing 1st. I feel so grateful to have this community for support and to have created real change because of it. Loads of love to you my friend 🥰❤
Maria Pratico Amen! Yes, 100% agree w you ppl's true colors show. Ty for being part of this Great Community as well. I like being around like-minded ppl & knowing I'm not alone. Blessings. We will get through this!🎀💖🎀💖🎀💖
We 100% will get through this AND be better off for it, I just know. Our systems are breaking and needed to change. I live positively and I I pay close attention to history and Astrology. This was bound to happen. I too love to surround myself with like minded individuals 😉🙌✌
Thanks Nicole. Isolation has thrown up so much of my stuff....just when i thought i had it all worked out. Ha ha. This video made me realise that i learned to get love by doing and by achieving but not just by being. A revelation. Thank you for your kind, clear wisdom and guidance.
As always, THANK YOUUUUUU 🌷🌷🌷
Very helpful. I enjoy the concise presentation and how you embed your own experiences to bring clarity to the topics you cover in all of your videos.
How do we balance these with maintaining our interpersonal relationships? By canceling plans, saying no, etc., we don't show up for others around us and they end up fading away or damaging the relationship through inconsistency. I completely agree with the ideas in the video; I'm just curious how to find balance.
I think if you take her advice and act it out it's very individualistic.. which is the opposite of only caring for the family/community. There must be a middle ground. Sometimes we don't feel like doing something.. we do it anyway.. and find out it was actually enjoyable. It's not clear cut. What if you do need help.. and everybody is like.. nah sry, not feeling it.
Thank you so much for the insights you are giving and to make this work accessible with useful tools. I also agree with that it's okay to "change your mind" and sometimes we don't feel like doing something we intended to do. But it also feels like not being reliable, not keeping promises and also a bit like betraying oneself. I guess a healthy balance, honest and transparent communication is also needed for this.
Thank You 💒
You are so right dr. Nicole I started to blame my best friend for the exhaustion I felt even though I was the one who didn't have boundaries and couldn't say no and by that I allowed our friendship to hurt me. I lack the skill of most points you mentioned..thank you for this video. Thank you a lot for caring to share your knowledge with us.
You are just fabulous!!
I proud of u am happy to see you I appreciate
✅ good video.
You’re right. It is not selfish to have boundaries.
Thank you!🙏
Thanks so much for this helpful content, Nicole. I was taught to put others first, and myself last or not at all. This has caused many of us alot of emotional harm. I actually wrote the list down, and hope to put it up where I can see it often. If we don't prioritize our own happiness and health, who will?
Thank you 🙏 🧚♀️❤️
After doing your work, I finally created boundaries with my family and that included making hard decisions that some people agree with and others see as selfish. I stopped attempting to justify those decisions. They are not selfish. They are self-care. I/we are not responsible for the decisions made by others in my family and are not responsible for bearing that burden, even when society has an expectation that one does so. Thank you for showing us that saying no, even in heartbreaking situations, is still OK, justifiable and not selfish if it's to preserve our own mental, emotional and physical well-being.
Wow with number 7, this was eye opening. Because i actually love makeup and skincare so i kind of care for my self a lot in this department. I make myself up and test out a lot of products that interest me and i was tagged by my family as "high maintenance" because of this. I find myself hiding things i buy in my home even when i make my own money because my mom might say "oh what did you buy again?" and whatever. But i really shouldn't care. Cause i work, make my own money, take on my responsibilities and do my own thing. So if i have interests they dont understand, i shouldn't have to explain myself. Im so happy you are here. ❤️💯😊
Thank you so much for this video. I can tell you put a lot hard work into the production and I love the organization. I had one question that came up though: how do you know when to change/challenge/improve a quality we have and when to accept it? For instance- I get very drained from one on one conversations. Should I accept that or force myself to have more of these conversations as maybe they will be less draining once I get more comfortable?
This came at such a great time for me. I love my family, but I have for sure been told time and time again that making choices for myself was called selfish. Things like ‘all you think about is yourself’ ‘think about someone else for a change’ ‘you’re so selfish’ were said constantly around the house and often to me. I think this could have created some very codependent traits in me, but I’m looking forward to choosing my true path rather than what I Think should be my path.
I agree with this a 100 %, and I'm practicing that a lot (which feels good). But I also think of those narcissists, that kind of get enabled by this. Though, they need that the most in their heavy selflove-deficide.
Love love love ♡♡ thank you so.much ♡♡♡
I love your channel.