#selfhealers, I hope this video around setting boundaries is valuable. I bought a new mic, so I hope the sound quality is improved. Let me know what you think in the comments or if you have any questions. I'm happy to answer. -Nicole
The sound is very clear volume wise, but on my phone it does distort when you emphasise words and speak louder with some words. Love your work, follow you on Instagram and email. Many thanks! 🙏
Loved the video, think the audio was peaking in places - this just means you need to lower the audio level input :) That way you won't get the peaking/distortion. 48 is meant to be a safe level if in doubt :) (if using say a zoom recorder + lav mic).
Listening to these boundaries I realize how movies and series actually portray human relationships as boundary-free (you have to be always there for your friend, listen to them, lend them your stuff, be super open about your feelings, constantly do favors)... I always had quite strict boundaries and this was making me feel like I am not a good friend, daughter or girlfriend, and I am sure I'm not the only one. I mean, some series and films do try to show the complexity of human relations but most of them just take the easy way out, which can affect our mental health a lot.
Very interesting! The entertainment industry definitely does not have our best interests in mind. People don’t want to watch healthy relationships nowadays, not enough drama, apparently
I love this thank you 🙏 How should I approach my family member who has deliberately chosen to ignore a very honest and vulnerable email I sent to her, wherein I specifically asked for a response. She’s since ignored me and the one time she has had to have contact with me since, she acted as if she had done nothing wrong. I’m silently fuming and wondering if I should ‘set and forget ‘ or call her out on this? A response would be enormously appreciated during this difficult time for me. Thank you and the new mic 🎤 works a treat!
This makes me angry to watch, thinking how often my boundaries were violated. How as a child we can't defend against that, and then we bring our childhood patterns into adulthood. And then it makes me angry how often I, as an adult, allowed my boundaries to be violated - all in the name of being kind, and not wanting to disappoint anyone.
Send that anger love. You have an ability to respond. If you continue with the anger you feel bad. You send it love you won't feel bad anymore. Trust me - a lot of people are starting to realise this
It's horrible to look back, and realise how helpless you actually were when you were a child; with even adults crossing your boundaries, and you not knowing how to defend yourself nor having anyone defending you. But we can get better, be strong :)
I used to be a doormat, I didn't know what boundaries were. Always defending myself, always giving thousands reasons, i lied to protect myself from blacklashes but now i only respond "i dont need to have a reason, i just don't want to" I have struggled all my life with people pleasing, i thought i wasn't enough but thank God, after 4 years working on my codependency, I finally start to see my worth.
This is hard work. Not knowing about this stuff means you don’t understand other people’s boundaries. You end up overstepping them and having generally rollercoaster relationships. Hell.
Lessandra r when I was in my early 30s a friend told me I expect to much from people. I only now know it’s because I was expecting them to people please because that is what I did. Crazy!
As a child I wasn't allowed to speak up. I had to shut up, obey and serve others (not the good way of serving others but where you don't count), putting my life on hold and almost like I didn't matter. And it's been like that my whole life, where everyone takes advantage of me, exhaust me, betray me, my friends, my family. I've recently come to realize this as a pattern in my life and that I need to break the cycle. It's not about them or what they did or didn't do, it's about me and what I should do! And they are just the players/actors in my life mirroring at that moment what (childhood trauma) I need to work on. And I know this and can feel the resistance when my boundary is crossed when the situation occurs. And at the same time I get triggered by my fight/flight response and my egoïc mind will explode and make it 10x bigger and have me focus on the other person and what they did to me instead of me focusing on what the trigger to the past trauma event is and working on that. What could just be to express myself and tell the person what his/her action did to me, how it made me feel in the here & now moment. But having been told to shut up from early child- on to adulthood that is another challenge on top of it, feeling resistance to speak up. This is so hard for me, I can feel my stomach turning, my throat clenching, my chest tightening. But if I dont speak up, more similar situations are showing up. Which is what has been happening at the moment in the past month. Sometimes I just want to cry. It's getting easier to see the patterns and knowing what needs to be done, the inner work. But it's a challenge to become aware that to change the outcome of the situation I need to change me and not change the situation. It was so much easier when I was unaware and blamed others for what they did and how it made me feel. I wish I had a guide to help me go through this in every step. Perhaps I can meditate on this and speak to my higher self/the universe and ask for guidance.
Wow! Thank you for writing this. It's me that you wrote about, and I feel a comfort reading your story.. I felt I was the only one going through this. Thank you for sharing!
@@loriwallender5272 (14.09.2024) thank you for reaching out and sorry for the late reply. I here you. I find it comforting too that I'm not alone going through this emotional turmoil. Like there is a kindred spirit. I'm glad you've reacted as my comment was from 3 years ago. I'll have to rewatch the video, because I can't remember what made me write my comment and I'm just curious about it. But I'm glad I did, as you were able to see the reflection of parts of you in me and through your comment I am able to reflect on my journey since then. So thank you for that. I whish I had noted the exact date though, since I can't tell what I went through at that particular moment or around that time. I used to write a journal and meditate, which helped me tremendously and gave me so much peace, clarity and that connection with the higher self/divine. But much has happened since and things seem to be speeding up, old stuck energies coming to the surface faster or perhaps more noticeable to me, making me go through them intensely (sometimes because I'm scared of it, scared of change and resisting) to finally release them if all goes well. So reading this old comment kind of feels like a diary and also a memory of who I once was. It feels strange because it's a memory of my state of being that is is "lost in space" but still accessible to others at the same time. Like a (pen pall) letter or message in a bottle that had been lost for many years and finally someone finds it and responds to it. Sorry for this long reply. I'm still challenged with speaking out, setting boundaries, being honest about it, trying not to hold it in or feel overwhelmed and I want to be able to speak up with loving kindness instead of that scared and hurt little girl (the pain body as Eckhart Tolle calls it). But I'm taking it one (baby) step at a time, because I simply can't handle too much as I'm trying to let go of so many things/believe systems that no longer serve me. I recently discovered this singer and voice liberation teacher called Neda Boin. You may like her videos, especially the called "I've learned to say no" which she uploaded yesterday I believe. Find the song as well. Listen with intent and embrace what comes up. I would also like to recommend Irene Lyon who specializes on nervous system healing. She has so many informative and practical videos that really has helped me on my journey. I hope that in any way this can help you on yours Trust your intuition and body. They know exactly what you need or not need (to do). Start slow, take your time, be kind to yourself, trust that things will work out no matter what happens, be aware that things can shift instantly as healing is not a linear process. 🙏🏽❤🦋
Thankyou for sharing I echo your experiences and have also come to a point in life where I feel lost. So I'm.investing in.some holistic counselling from next week as I can no longer do this alone. I need an outsider to guide me and support me and give me some tools in toolbox of life. I wish the same for you. I want take the years I have left joyous happy and free. ❤
I grew up having my boundaries constantly violated to the point I grew up thinking it was normal to push boundaries. So I developed the bad habit of not only pushing my own boundaries and emotionally exhausting myself but pushing those of others too. In my family we only find out each other’s boundaries when we cross them and the other person gets upset. So the concept is a bit foreign to me but I’ve been learning to set them and trying to learn how o recognize them in others.
I feel the same. And the worst is that it is kind of addictive, like if I am not crossing boundaries is not fun. I just think now of my bf which doesn't like much physical contact and I always insited on it and I found it extremely fun to do so, that "I was teaching him to be more loose". Now I understand I was just crossing a boundary again amd again. I have some (lot) of apologies to ask.
unfortunately me too. When you let people violate your boundaries, do they want more? And do you feel be corned? Do you find yourself thinking about give up something important in your life to fulfill these demands? Or do you find yourself doing some addictive things to cope with these overwhelming feelings, like eat a lot or consume alcohol?
I'm with you about my boundaries getting crossed when I was a child, so I grew up not really identifying boundaries of others as an adult. It does cause me to feel shame, but I know that is not healthy either.
I wasn't really aware of the boundaries concept a year ago. I had been always thinking that doing a favour for somebody is more important than how I feel about it. I used to put others in the first place before me. Afetr watching this video, I realized that it's normal to have boundaries. It's normal if somebody doesn't like my boundaries. I am not less of a human if I have the boundaries. It's totally fine if I don't want to drink water from the same bottle with people. It's ok if I don't want to share my clothes with my friends. That's not a tragedy if I don't want to lend a big amount of money. I have a right to set boundaries and it doesn't make me less worthy. I feel great about that.
I would always sacrifice my comfort and sanity to say yes to people, and be too passive/vague with setting boundaries, so when the outcomes weren’t successful, I’d get angry about never feeling heard. I’d say yes, then get too stretched thin and cancel, then feel like shit for cancelling, and the cycle would continue until the relationship inevitably fell apart. Setting strong boundaries and implementing them consistently and not feeling bad about it is key to your happiness, and their respect for you.
I grew up in a codependent, boundary-less home. No wonder I have problems in this department. I first went into therapy 6 years ago and learned how to stand up for myself. Watching this makes me realize I violate boundaries of others and allow mine to be violated, especially in the emotional and time/energy department. My mother would emotionally dump on me. I know I probably do this to others. At least I feel I do whenever I tell anyone about anything difficult in my life. I also feel like a annoyance and a bother to everyone so I struggle with feeling OK to share anything. Everyone tells me their problems but I feel like no one really wants to listen to me. Weird. I have been the one contacting when asked to not contact the person. Was sitting here crying as I watched because I feel like I"m such a train wreck.
I remember a (former) friend who came into town with her boyfriend to visit her son who lives here also. He is 17 and not very responsible. She asked me if my son who is in his late twenties would teach him to drive in his personal car. Such a huge risk, I flat out said I didn’t want my son doing it. If something happened, insurance would not come to the rescue. She got a little bit of an attitude over it. Too bad. She and her boyfriend had a perfectly fine vehicle. The boyfriend knew better and so did I for that matter.
I am going through something in my life right now, where I feel confused on how I can be a spiritual person and still set boundaries and be strict with them. This video came at the right time.
This is so incredibly helpful and empowering. The notion of setting, maintaining and/or respecting boundaries can feel so daunting and frightening, yet the way you break it down into categories, and the definitions thereof, demystifies the issue, and makes it an accessible possibility. Your voice and explanations are always so clear, and your ability to use yourself as an example takes the topic out of a clinical environment and humanizes it for all. Truly powerful. Thank you so much!!
Hi Xaviar! I really appreciate this feedback. I try to use my own life examples because I know they might be easier to understand than just a random reference. Thanks!
Being able to set and own boundaries is really vital for our mental/emotional health. The more I live the clearer it's becoming to me that relationship between living beings, specially humans, has a lot more to do with power than we could suppose at first glance. We will always push each other's boundaries, like kids do with their parents, in order to assess how far we can get, in our own benefit and convenience. All living beings will unconsciously behave this way and, if confronted about it, will always come up with some very plausable religious-socio-cultural justification for their behavior. Truth is whenever we fail to set and own our boundaries, we are letting go of our personal power and it most certainly will be used against us by every being we interact with, not purposefully on a conscious level, of course, but because that's the way living creatures appear to be wired. I'm 45 and that has been my experience with my own parents, relatives, friends, boyfriends, bosses, you name it... Every single relationship so far, even with my cats! Lol
Great presentation, at almost 60, creating boundaries is relatively new for me. It’s easy to see how and where I gradually lost my self worth without having boundaries, and feeling shame when on those rare occasions out of sheer exhaustion and frustration I thought to stand up for myself or my belief or opinion and was shut down. Thank you wise woman. Deep respect and gratitude for the knowledge and experience you continue to share. Lots of love to you. Love Lili.
We don’t put boundaries just to protect ourselves. When I know my boundaries I’ll be so respectful to everyone around me knowing what isn’t okay to do to them. I used to have this guilt that I have to be always available for my friends, but not anymore and that actually make my friends say to me “I wish everyone like you. You are so okay with me not being available for you and it’s easy to say no to you. Most people will take it personally” and that made me sad I wish we study this in school.. we have the right to refuse we shouldn’t feel sorry for saying no.
My "love language" Physical Touch. I recognize that not everyone is comfortable with that - but it's hard to not be hurt by a loved one dismissing that need for physical contact, even over time. I grew up in a cold household. I need touch to feel safe. I don't know how to fit this into the context of this video.
Think you have to workout a new mental model. Realize that this need for touch, likely from a parent or someone who mimics the same loving, protective acceptance, are truly the needs of a child being met. That’s the mental model you are still working from even though you’re now an assault, I assume :) Now as adults we have many more faculties than a child to leverage, so depending on the situation we can use one that’s more appropriate for all involved. Some examples: journaling to explore options on how to feel safe without others, in various situations, to test your reality of whether you are indeed unsafe, etc; share your feelings with close relationships as AN option that they can be more understanding of your love language needs but don’t expect that they can always show up for various reasons, learn how to self sooth because it’s a part of building muscle memory as a part of this new mental model where you are more skilled at meeting your own needs. I use the word skill because with mental health (as with many things) a growth mindset is key. We identify areas where we need to grow and we set out finding knowledge to do so and then we practice, practice, practice. And we remember to accept ourselves because we’re going to have setbacks. Best wishes💞💞💞🌸🌸🌸🌸
@@SaraFJones I see what you are saying, but it is also cultural. Americans are extremely anti closeness compared to other cultures, even stand further away from each other. The idea of apologizing for being inside another's imaginary air bubble is actually kind of weird.
I don't know if you have to work to change your whole mental model because that can imply how you work is wrong in some way, which I don't agree with. I think someone else said something about learning to sit with discomfort and I think that's more helpful. It's okay to need touch but it's unfair on someone else to violate their boundaries in order to sooth yourself. This will put too much strain on the other person and instead you can work out if and how it okay to touch the other person. If they say no, understand that it's to do with their own feelings around touch (which are just as important as yours) and not about them rejecting you.
Natalia Rudiak physical touch, in my view, is a life long human need. Our modern culture is highly disembodied, and many no longer feel the natural inclination to express through touch, in simple everyday ways with friends and family. In other cultures even strangers will touch, like a pat on the shoulder to say “excuse me”. When I’ve experienced this kind of touch especially from older people in older cultures, I found it so affirming of my humanity. It gave me a deep sense of well-being. Sad;y, I have almost no one in my circle who appreciates touch. Sending compassion.
I think physical touch is awesome and super healthy... So I ALWAYS open my arms wide and walk towards people with a big smile that says "I'm coming in for a hug!" That gives people a few seconds to say "Oh, I'm not a hugger" or to stick out their hand for a handshake instead. I respect people's right to refuse and dial it down to their level of comfort if needed but I don't change MY true nature or initial inclination. Sometimes I wear a t-shirt I made that says "Warning! I am a Hugger!" So people can run from the "hug monster" if they need to... Cuz I am coming in for the hug if they don't object. Lol. I remember some study about how humans need at least 10 human touches a day to be healthy emotionally.
Once I began working on my boundaries and communicating them efdecrively, 90% of the stress, discord, or frustration I was experiencinf went away. And this after years of therapy and healing other areas of my life. Without boundaries, I realized I could not be healthy, or have healthy interactions or relationships. I consider boundaries to be the top priority in getting and keepinf mentally healthy.
You’re a life saver. As someone who is “too nice” and abandoning myself for the sake of other people’s needs, I am struggling with setting boundaries as I fear that they misunderstood that and stay away from me. It also rooted from a traumatic childhood. Now, I’ve realized that boundaries are actually good and helping me towards self-care and authenticity. I will now do my best to speak up and stand up for myself when being disrespected 🥺
"Text me. Talk to me. You have to." Ooh, girl. Whew. That has been me my whole life. I slip into lizard brain where all the "abandonment" alarm bells go off. This is where sitting with discomfort is so valuable.
Hi there! A lot of responding to boundaries is actually NOT engaging. We are inclined to continuously explain ourselves. When setting boundaries, many people will violate them. Our work is to be clear and kind stating them, then hold them regardless of the other person's reaction.
@theholisticpsychologist Very helpful video, but I agree that another video on how to say no, I’m not comfortable with you talking to me that way etc would be really helpful, as if you are bought up not to express your feelings (or even allowed to have them) then you know something is wrong when someone steps on your boundaries, but you simply don’t have the language to speak it, as you’ve never seen it demonstrated. You can’t always walk away (at school/home etc) and with some (narcissistic) people that will just inflame the situation, so if you could do a video on how to calmly speak your truth that would be much appreciated! 😊 x
my therapist taught me the assertiveness formula, which is helpful to just even recite in your mind for clarity if you feel weird spelling it out to the person, but it goes like this: This is how I see it...., This is how it makes me feel...., and This is what I need from you....
I grew up with at least one parent, maybe both.. who always crossed boundaries with me and my sister. It would happen with teasing or saying things like “you’re too sensitive, he was just trying to get a rise out of you”. When you live this as a child and then are shamed for feeling it is wrong, unlearning these low boundaries is like a new language. As an adult, I see I am a people pleaser and understanding boundaries has been a huge struggle. Thank you for this easy to understand video.
It feels great to really get to know what I'm truly not comfortable with, and to voice that to others unapologetically. I used to always tip toe around other people's boundaries whilst making myself uncomfortable in the process. I would put other's needs before my own. It's a delicate balance. People are complicated and so I only enjoy and/or tolerate interacting in small doses these days.
I’m really glad that you included professional boundaries and people[s perceived right of free labor As an example of a boundary issue. As a professional musician I can’t tell you how many times people have been genuinely surprised when I told them that they have to pay me for my services.
My family is a big violator of the time/labor boundary. They act like they own my time. They always request things to the point where I neglect my own needs. It starts affecting my sleep and even my ability to work sometimes. I've even had them tell me to call off work or do something later in order to do something for them right away. I've been telling people lately that if I have to put my needs and priorities aside for them they will have to start paying me. They laugh at it. When we work a job we exchange our time for money. Time isn't free, in fact, it is a limited resource and our most precious. And people seem to think they can choose what you do with your time as if it is free and belongs to everyone else. I've straight up told people that if they want me available all the time they will have to start handing over their paychecks to me. Giving them your time and labor or even being stuck giving them money all the time turns you into their personal slave. I'm not going to be their servant.
When your in enmeshed relationships such as families who have no idea what boundaries are and especially child rearing in the 60's, 70's and 80's parents, at least mine showed no boundaries and were very unhealthy emotionally that at the age of 57 I can see how this has tragically affected me by not being able to set effective boundaries for myself personally. Thank you for this video, you gave great examples and made it very easy to comprehend especially for someone who has PTSD and CPTSD symptoms.
i just realised while watching this that coming from an Asian background and boundaries are quite difficult to set as may be construed as rude and so there is a tendency to be an outcast, particularly in a cultural community setting.
This video is so important especially nowadays with everyone being so entitled and thinking they have the right way of everything. Thanks so much for sharing this, I absolutely love it.
You are also helping so many people identify what they didnt even know was a problem and stand up for themselves. This is so powerful. Thank you again.
Great explanation! I've shared that video with my sisters! We should educate ourselves and others because this should be obvious informations, but in many cases the way we are treated, for example in childhood, sometimes trains us to think that we don't have the right to have our voice and needs and that we should focus only on what other people feel and want and neglecting ourselves. And then it is messing our lives and we feel pain, but we don't have to if we know that we have rights like anybody else! Let's stop this chain of pain and empower ourselves and others! Thank you! 💪🤗😘♥️
Wow I’m just three minutes in and this is the best video on boundaries I have ever heard! I see how my emotional boundaries have been crossed and how I have crossed others. Without awareness.
Hit the nail on the head when you said there was one emotion going on in the household, never even realized that’s what it was because it was so normal to me. I always thought I was extremely empathetic. Also I find myself expecting people to want me to feel sad with them, I feel a great amount of guilt when I’m happy and someone is sad.
I watched a gazillion videos about boundaries, yet this is the clearest and most helpful one so far. Something finally clicked in my head, so thank you so much Nicole!
Time/Energy boundaries is one topic I find Interesting because I do feel like any free time I get , Someone else’s plans always seem to come up . Or even worse I feel like people suss out my schedule , to them plan what I should do with my free time. I don’t know how many times I’ve heard , -but thats your off that day? What else would you be doing? Do this - And if I say no , I always have to come up with some kind of convincing plan or task I’m going to do that day , to justify having that time to myself. So anytime now I talk at all about my schedule to anyone, if there’s time off in that schedule , I always feel the need to retract what I said about having freetime and fill it with -oh but I have this plan for my freetime. Instead of being free to reach that day off and figure out on the day itself what I want to do .
Why t f this isn't thought in school really. Very Likely bc institutions (most of them) themselves and society take advantage of people with poor boundaries. This is *so* valuable.
Grateful for you!🙏🏼 Thank you for sharing. I had boundaries in all my past relationships. Not the one I'm in now. I feel so lost and your helping me find my light again.
Gosh, listening to the part about boundaries around your items really makes me want to cry. In America, kids are taught that they NEED to share, often without considering them needing some time before they pass their toy to someone else to play with. Kids deserve to have their boundaries respected too. ❤️ Of course, we can teach them to be kind in other ways that don't involve crossing boundaries.
3:15 absolutely this. I for one can’t stand to be emotionally bombarded with someone’s day, mainly for the fact that I barely process my own. I would much rather talk about it and then let it go. Most of my partners keep going and their emotions become mine.I’m willing to allow for myself more internal boundaries but I’d say all in all I’d rather not have partners who don’t choose to let go
🔥 same here! It’s exhausting and then it occurred to me one day I’m allowing it to happen. I have two friends who treated me as if I was someone to receive their status update on their daily ongoing of life. I hadn’t seen one of them in a while and the next time I did she launched into her checklist of 12 things going on that day. I interrupted her and said I’m so sorry I’m not available to check in this way. I actually can’t hear you. she was really taken aback. And I was OK with that. The therapist helped me understand how entrenched these patterns can become and how hard they are to break. In the end I was looking for some thing that was much more mutual and reciprocal and quite frankly respectful and she didn’t have it to offer and that was OK. Over the next several months I didn’t blame her I just let her know my needs for friendship we’re changing and I hope to be able to continue our long lasting friendship. With another friend it worked out great and we are closer than ever but with this particular friend I haven’t talk to her in a few years. Sometimes we overstay beyond the expiration date of our relationship and not everyone wants to grow with us. Blessings to you have a beautiful day.
Watching this has triggered some strong discomfort in my gut. Shall be working on finding the source of that discomfort in the near future. Thanks a lot for your work. You're a great inspiration and your work is very present in my day-to-day. Thank you xx
I never knew much about what boundaries meant, but I knew there were none in my family. Your very first point is something ny parents have done throughout my entire life. Dismissing and invalidating any feelings I ever had that weren't positive. Explaining myself until I'm completely exasperated only for them to still not understand.
This video was so helpful. I love that you broke it down into different categories and how boundaries and broken boundaries look in them. also great to see you talk about material and time/energy. I dont think a lot of people think of those as things that need boundaries, and hearing it be talked about was so validating. Definitely going to make my husband watch this with me again later, and i sent it to a couple of my sisters.
Especially in workplace: inappropriate sexual statements need to be called out as such. Not “it doesn’t work for me” but “No. That is inappropriate here.” The former implies a personal relationship. Also the former implies it might work for your female coworkers. In professional/public relationships we need to represent ourselves but also other women.
My mom loves to loan me out to everyone for anything that involves physical labor. Since I got the Covid vaccine, my periods have been atrocious and painful. Today I’ve been now bleeding for 3 solid weeks. Yesterday I was finally brave enough to tell my mom no when she asked me to go to her friends house and move a heavy bed topper across her house to the spare bedroom. I’ve also just discovered at age 45 that I’ve also been a victim of parentification, and she’s always put her needs and relationships before mine. It’s very hard and saddening to finally get that light bulb moment, but I feel like I’m at a point where I need to finally take care of me and not everyone else around me, especially when my needs are constantly neglected by them. Love your channel and I’ve subscribed. ❤
When I first reconnected with my cousin after not seeing each other since childhood, she started dumping very personal traumas she experienced in relationships, sometimes the same stories every time we were together. I tried to tell her that it's not fair to me to do that and she played dumb. And my coworkers tend to ask really personal questions then use the information against people, then wonder why I don't want to open up LoL
OMG I feel as if applying all of these is going to fix all of my problems for ever (maybeI), I wish my parents would have learnt this but it is OK they didn’t. It was different times. Thank you 🙏🏽 🙏🏽
I can not fully Express how grateful I am for you sharing your work. It is doing so much for me and helping me in a time that I need it most. You are speaking about so many things that resonate with me so deeply. These are things I knew within myself and HERE YOU ARE... speaking about them and most importantly sharing how I can implement techniques so that I can improve, shift, grow. THANK YOU. sending you so much love ❤
I'm glad I found this video because now I can be more aware of my own boundaries and others! And don't take it personally when someone set boundaries with me 😊
Thank you @The Holistic Psychologist I feel like your videos, and your expression of these subjects is honest and easy to digest. I really appreciate how you can admit to being on both sides of the coin, me too. There should be no stigma or shame in being able to admit mistakes or to shed light. I feel like your videos are a lighthouse in the storm :)
this is lovely, thank you. One i would personally add to emotional boundaries is reassuring. I am often in this pattern, where i feel the other wants me (or they directly ask me) to reassure them or validate their viewpoint, especially if mine is different. I am now seeing this as a boundary violation
Love this and how helpful it is when you categories and break these down to bring awareness to a relationship and how to better it from both point of views.
God my ex husband used to make me defend everything I said and did and it was soo exhausting that for a while I just stopped saying and doing much at all!
Thank you for always opening my eyes. Whenever I listen to your work people and memories come to mind and I reflect on them. And then I address them later. Thank you 💙
Thank you 💯💯💯. There’s a lot of talk about the term boundaries but you actually put meat on the bones of the conversation here. This is really getting into the material and doing affirmative teaching. Thank you thank you thank you.
Thank you for this video, it was very helpful! I've heard so much about "boundaries" but wasn't really clear in what situations I would set them and now this makes much more sense to me. I am wondering about setting boundaries when it comes to money; often I feel like I'm being taken advantage of, but not sure how to speak up for myself/what to would say. I always feel very awkward.
LB - I have one for money to think about....I will lend $50 to those I'm close to, no questions asked and no repayment obligation. If they for money a second time, I'm now asking their need for it and if there is a problem- they don't have to answer but I don't have to give again either. If it's for an electric bill for example, I will pay the bill directly to the company. I will not give the bill money to the person so they can use it for something else. If a person is truly in need, they shouldn't have a problem with this approach. Hope this helps as a start. Best wishes.
I finished a Psychology degree a few months ago, and your videos have been helping me continue learning about my passion after graduating. I love your content so much, it's all very openminded, accepting and informative. Thank you Nicole :)
Energy vampires are my kryptonite. I thought it was a compliment when people came to me and asked so much of me. Like, "Wow, they really know how great I am." Truth is I put a shit ton of energy into relationships that were really one-sided. I was being used A LOT masked as love and friendship. I don't harbor any ill feelings though. It's human nature to be selfish, it's survival in the lizard brain. I was selfish in my attempt to feel loved and needed, they were selfish in their time of need. The day I told my mother no on the phone was HUGE! She was frustrated she actually hung up on me. That's how strange it was for me to say no. She called back within a few minutes, understanding and actually a bit proud of me but that moment was EYE-OPENING. Even my own mother was trying to use my time and energy for her reasons.
You'll probably never read this, but I want to thank you so very much for making this video. I've been looking for information on this topic and it's just not covered anywhere. You did it perfectly with excellent quality detail. Thank you again......💚💚💚
This was extremely helpful especially in my newer friendships I am learning that it is okay for me to have my space, and understanding that it is okay to say no, thank you so so much, much love
to think all this can be cured learning some Respect and Prudence, I.ve been dealing with this people my whole life, this has made me extremely aware of how not to be toxic, but people don't care, we are dealing with a world of self absorbed entitle brats , everyone wants what they want, when they want it as they want it.
This couldn't have come at a better time. I am trying to set boundaries with my Son who has mental health and addiction he is suffering from. I am in recovery for both myself. And I'm really having a hard time with ALL of it. Mentally and physically. I am just starting therapy again and see her Thursday, thank God.
Hi Teri, I'm so glad this video is helpful for your life as well as your relationship with your son. Sending you tons of lvoe in your healing/recovery.
Thank you for the video. It would've been great to get deeper on each point though. Maybe more examples on different ways on how to set them. Setting boundaries is so hard work!!
Oh shit, I have trouble with setting boundaries! I didn’t know that was the case, but listening to someone explaining what it means to set healthy boundaries I realize I have serious trouble with it.
This video is just coming perfectly on time! I realize how I struggle with setting my bounderies, how blur they are. As soon as I understand why the other person is like he/she is, I 'neglect' how hurt I felt by their behaviour. Saying No is very hard for me and staynding strong with the NO is even harder... I feel very unconfortable but I understand I got to learn to know my own bounderies and respect them.
You have helped me so much! I kept seeing your videos decided to watch one, 5 videos later and I feel extremely understood and relieved that not only it can be fixed but it also validated! Thank you for giving all this free information that most of us had no idea these were problems that could even be fixed! 💕
I scored the internet looking for resources on boundaries and what they are. I really could not understand it for a long time but I knew I needed to be aware of / even build my own boundaries. Thank you thank you ✨
Ma'am these points are worthy to ponder upon. Now i can see with clarity where i got wrong either setting the boundaries or breaching others'.. moreover you opened up your vulnerabilities to set examples, it's applaudable. Looking forward for life coaching videos😁
Your way of teaching/explaining is such a breath of fresh air. It's one thing to hear/listen to explanations but it helps so much more to see clear, written pointers. Helps to understand even better. Thanks!
This was a very effective post ma’am. I can take notes and reference my “boundaries” with ease . Thank you 🙏🏽 . I Really enjoyed the last boundary about unwanted comments. The opposite sex takes my friendliness as flirtation, but in reality I’m just an open minded , comfortable individual. When the conversation turns sexual immediately react with silence or a weird laugh . Ughhhh I hate it lol .
Loved this video. While i was listening to you I was checking my boundaries or the lack of them in order to establish them consciously. Thank you so much for helping me, love and blessings to you 💕
I had a friend recently tell me I have been hurting their feelings after I told them their actions were hurting mine. And they responded by saying I’ve constantly been hurting theirs and crossed their boundaries and didn’t care to understand them, without even stating their boundaries to me in the first place till the point where they purposely acted out and expected me to know
I just started dating again after divorce and this is so well-timed. I am not comfortable getting physical yet and just dating as friends but I'm finding that guys are so pushy. I mean they expect hookups it's ridiculous. I just go out for coffee dates as friends right now and they still want to get close. I mean I'm appreciative that they like me etc but please boys respect a girls limits. So good reminder that I will enforce my boundaries because I am not ready for that!!!
#selfhealers,
I hope this video around setting boundaries is valuable. I bought a new mic, so I hope the sound quality is improved. Let me know what you think in the comments or if you have any questions. I'm happy to answer. -Nicole
The volume is loud and clear. Thank you & thank you for the video/ information 🙌
The sound is very clear volume wise, but on my phone it does distort when you emphasise words and speak louder with some words. Love your work, follow you on Instagram and email. Many thanks! 🙏
Loved the video, think the audio was peaking in places - this just means you need to lower the audio level input :) That way you won't get the peaking/distortion. 48 is meant to be a safe level if in doubt :) (if using say a zoom recorder + lav mic).
@@lisawhelan2101 thanks for this! The mic doesn't have actual digits but will keep this in mind and adjust for next video!
Yeah, sound is great!
Thank you for this video. I need this information.
This should be a school curriculum 🥺 I wish I would’ve known this early on in life
AMEN!
Lol same here!
Very ttrue
I actually am watching this for school
I agree! If we all had healthy boundaries a lot of societal problems would disappear.
Listening to these boundaries I realize how movies and series actually portray human relationships as boundary-free (you have to be always there for your friend, listen to them, lend them your stuff, be super open about your feelings, constantly do favors)... I always had quite strict boundaries and this was making me feel like I am not a good friend, daughter or girlfriend, and I am sure I'm not the only one.
I mean, some series and films do try to show the complexity of human relations but most of them just take the easy way out, which can affect our mental health a lot.
Yes. I couldn’t agree more with this. Our culture values relationships without boundaries.
Very interesting! The entertainment industry definitely does not have our best interests in mind. People don’t want to watch healthy relationships nowadays, not enough drama, apparently
@@katem6861 ....I couldn't agree with you more on this. So true!!!!
I love this thank you 🙏 How should I approach my family member who has deliberately chosen to ignore a very honest and vulnerable email I sent to her, wherein I specifically asked for a response. She’s since ignored me and the one time she has had to have contact with me since, she acted as if she had done nothing wrong. I’m silently fuming and wondering if I should ‘set and forget ‘ or call her out on this? A response would be enormously appreciated during this difficult time for me. Thank you and the new mic 🎤 works a treat!
Yes! Right thereb with you on strict boundaries. It's made having relationships tough but also less dramatic and much more fulfilling.
This makes me angry to watch, thinking how often my boundaries were violated. How as a child we can't defend against that, and then we bring our childhood patterns into adulthood. And then it makes me angry how often I, as an adult, allowed my boundaries to be violated - all in the name of being kind, and not wanting to disappoint anyone.
Same.
Send that anger love. You have an ability to respond. If you continue with the anger you feel bad. You send it love you won't feel bad anymore. Trust me - a lot of people are starting to realise this
Oh I felt that throughout my body in 12 dimensions ooooof
I feel the same...thank you for saying it out loud.
It's horrible to look back, and realise how helpless you actually were when you were a child; with even adults crossing your boundaries, and you not knowing how to defend yourself nor having anyone defending you. But we can get better, be strong :)
I used to be a doormat, I didn't know what boundaries were.
Always defending myself, always giving thousands reasons, i lied to protect myself from blacklashes but now i only respond "i dont need to have a reason, i just don't want to"
I have struggled all my life with people pleasing, i thought i wasn't enough but thank God, after 4 years working on my codependency, I finally start to see my worth.
Im inspired by your transparency. Working on not people pleasing and do more self care. Agreed
🙏 👏 👏🙏
I'm right there with ya! I wish you many blessings! 🤗❤️❤️🔥😊
Wow congratulations ❤
This is hard work. Not knowing about this stuff means you don’t understand other people’s boundaries. You end up overstepping them and having generally rollercoaster relationships. Hell.
Lessandra r when I was in my early 30s a friend told me I expect to much from people. I only now know it’s because I was expecting them to people please because that is what I did. Crazy!
Please how do you work on it
As a child I wasn't allowed to speak up. I had to shut up, obey and serve others (not the good way of serving others but where you don't count), putting my life on hold and almost like I didn't matter. And it's been like that my whole life, where everyone takes advantage of me, exhaust me, betray me, my friends, my family. I've recently come to realize this as a pattern in my life and that I need to break the cycle. It's not about them or what they did or didn't do, it's about me and what I should do! And they are just the players/actors in my life mirroring at that moment what (childhood trauma) I need to work on. And I know this and can feel the resistance when my boundary is crossed when the situation occurs. And at the same time I get triggered by my fight/flight response and my egoïc mind will explode and make it 10x bigger and have me focus on the other person and what they did to me instead of me focusing on what the trigger to the past trauma event is and working on that. What could just be to express myself and tell the person what his/her action did to me, how it made me feel in the here & now moment. But having been told to shut up from early child- on to adulthood that is another challenge on top of it, feeling resistance to speak up. This is so hard for me, I can feel my stomach turning, my throat clenching, my chest tightening. But if I dont speak up, more similar situations are showing up. Which is what has been happening at the moment in the past month. Sometimes I just want to cry. It's getting easier to see the patterns and knowing what needs to be done, the inner work. But it's a challenge to become aware that to change the outcome of the situation I need to change me and not change the situation. It was so much easier when I was unaware and blamed others for what they did and how it made me feel. I wish I had a guide to help me go through this in every step. Perhaps I can meditate on this and speak to my higher self/the universe and ask for guidance.
Wow! Thank you for writing this. It's me that you wrote about, and I feel a comfort reading your story.. I felt I was the only one going through this. Thank you for sharing!
@@loriwallender5272 (14.09.2024) thank you for reaching out and sorry for the late reply. I here you. I find it comforting too that I'm not alone going through this emotional turmoil. Like there is a kindred spirit. I'm glad you've reacted as my comment was from 3 years ago. I'll have to rewatch the video, because I can't remember what made me write my comment and I'm just curious about it. But I'm glad I did, as you were able to see the reflection of parts of you in me and through your comment I am able to reflect on my journey since then. So thank you for that. I whish I had noted the exact date though, since I can't tell what I went through at that particular moment or around that time. I used to write a journal and meditate, which helped me tremendously and gave me so much peace, clarity and that connection with the higher self/divine. But much has happened since and things seem to be speeding up, old stuck energies coming to the surface faster or perhaps more noticeable to me, making me go through them intensely (sometimes because I'm scared of it, scared of change and resisting) to finally release them if all goes well. So reading this old comment kind of feels like a diary and also a memory of who I once was. It feels strange because it's a memory of my state of being that is is "lost in space" but still accessible to others at the same time. Like a (pen pall) letter or message in a bottle that had been lost for many years and finally someone finds it and responds to it. Sorry for this long reply. I'm still challenged with speaking out, setting boundaries, being honest about it, trying not to hold it in or feel overwhelmed and I want to be able to speak up with loving kindness instead of that scared and hurt little girl (the pain body as Eckhart Tolle calls it). But I'm taking it one (baby) step at a time, because I simply can't handle too much as I'm trying to let go of so many things/believe systems that no longer serve me. I recently discovered this singer and voice liberation teacher called Neda Boin. You may like her videos, especially the called "I've learned to say no" which she uploaded yesterday I believe. Find the song as well. Listen with intent and embrace what comes up. I would also like to recommend Irene Lyon who specializes on nervous system healing. She has so many informative and practical videos that really has helped me on my journey. I hope that in any way this can help you on yours
Trust your intuition and body. They know exactly what you need or not need (to do). Start slow, take your time, be kind to yourself, trust that things will work out no matter what happens, be aware that things can shift instantly as healing is not a linear process. 🙏🏽❤🦋
Thankyou for sharing I echo your experiences and have also come to a point in life where I feel lost. So I'm.investing in.some holistic counselling from next week as I can no longer do this alone. I need an outsider to guide me and support me and give me some tools in toolbox of life. I wish the same for you. I want take the years I have left joyous happy and free. ❤
I grew up having my boundaries constantly violated to the point I grew up thinking it was normal to push boundaries. So I developed the bad habit of not only pushing my own boundaries and emotionally exhausting myself but pushing those of others too. In my family we only find out each other’s boundaries when we cross them and the other person gets upset. So the concept is a bit foreign to me but I’ve been learning to set them and trying to learn how o recognize them in others.
I feel the same. And the worst is that it is kind of addictive, like if I am not crossing boundaries is not fun. I just think now of my bf which doesn't like much physical contact and I always insited on it and I found it extremely fun to do so, that "I was teaching him to be more loose".
Now I understand I was just crossing a boundary again amd again. I have some (lot) of apologies to ask.
unfortunately me too. When you let people violate your boundaries, do they want more? And do you feel be corned? Do you find yourself thinking about give up something important in your life to fulfill these demands? Or do you find yourself doing some addictive things to cope with these overwhelming feelings, like eat a lot or consume alcohol?
I'm with you about my boundaries getting crossed when I was a child, so I grew up not really identifying boundaries of others as an adult.
It does cause me to feel shame, but I know that is not healthy either.
i thought my GF did nt like me. I see clearly that she has boundaries and wants to take it slowly
I wasn't really aware of the boundaries concept a year ago. I had been always thinking that doing a favour for somebody is more important than how I feel about it. I used to put others in the first place before me. Afetr watching this video, I realized that it's normal to have boundaries. It's normal if somebody doesn't like my boundaries. I am not less of a human if I have the boundaries. It's totally fine if I don't want to drink water from the same bottle with people. It's ok if I don't want to share my clothes with my friends. That's not a tragedy if I don't want to lend a big amount of money. I have a right to set boundaries and it doesn't make me less worthy. I feel great about that.
Yes!! 😼👏👏👍
I would always sacrifice my comfort and sanity to say yes to people, and be too passive/vague with setting boundaries, so when the outcomes weren’t successful, I’d get angry about never feeling heard. I’d say yes, then get too stretched thin and cancel, then feel like shit for cancelling, and the cycle would continue until the relationship inevitably fell apart. Setting strong boundaries and implementing them consistently and not feeling bad about it is key to your happiness, and their respect for you.
BOUNDARIES are RULES.
WE MAKE OR CHOOSE RULES TO PROTECT ONESELF & her body. Self Respect/REGARDS.
I grew up in a codependent, boundary-less home. No wonder I have problems in this department. I first went into therapy 6 years ago and learned how to stand up for myself. Watching this makes me realize I violate boundaries of others and allow mine to be violated, especially in the emotional and time/energy department. My mother would emotionally dump on me. I know I probably do this to others. At least I feel I do whenever I tell anyone about anything difficult in my life. I also feel like a annoyance and a bother to everyone so I struggle with feeling OK to share anything. Everyone tells me their problems but I feel like no one really wants to listen to me. Weird. I have been the one contacting when asked to not contact the person. Was sitting here crying as I watched because I feel like I"m such a train wreck.
I understand and resonate with you completely.
I remember a (former) friend who came into town with her boyfriend to visit her son who lives here also. He is 17 and not very responsible. She asked me if my son who is in his late twenties would teach him to drive in his personal car. Such a huge risk, I flat out said I didn’t want my son doing it. If something happened, insurance would not come to the rescue. She got a little bit of an attitude over it. Too bad. She and her boyfriend had a perfectly fine vehicle. The boyfriend knew better and so did I for that matter.
I am going through something in my life right now, where I feel confused on how I can be a spiritual person and still set boundaries and be strict with them. This video came at the right time.
This is so incredibly helpful and empowering. The notion of setting, maintaining and/or respecting boundaries can feel so daunting and frightening, yet the way you break it down into categories, and the definitions thereof, demystifies the issue, and makes it an accessible possibility. Your voice and explanations are always so clear, and your ability to use yourself as an example takes the topic out of a clinical environment and humanizes it for all. Truly powerful. Thank you so much!!
Hi Xaviar! I really appreciate this feedback. I try to use my own life examples because I know they might be easier to understand than just a random reference. Thanks!
I really admire how you acknowledge your own shortcomings in the past about contacting someone when they have asked you not to (:
Being able to set and own boundaries is really vital for our mental/emotional health. The more I live the clearer it's becoming to me that relationship between living beings, specially humans, has a lot more to do with power than we could suppose at first glance. We will always push each other's boundaries, like kids do with their parents, in order to assess how far we can get, in our own benefit and convenience. All living beings will unconsciously behave this way and, if confronted about it, will always come up with some very plausable religious-socio-cultural justification for their behavior. Truth is whenever we fail to set and own our boundaries, we are letting go of our personal power and it most certainly will be used against us by every being we interact with, not purposefully on a conscious level, of course, but because that's the way living creatures appear to be wired. I'm 45 and that has been my experience with my own parents, relatives, friends, boyfriends, bosses, you name it... Every single relationship so far, even with my cats! Lol
Love this comment! 😊
Great presentation, at almost 60, creating boundaries is relatively new for me. It’s easy to see how and where I gradually lost my self worth without having boundaries, and feeling shame when on those rare occasions out of sheer exhaustion and frustration I thought to stand up for myself or my belief or opinion and was shut down. Thank you wise woman. Deep respect and gratitude for the knowledge and experience you continue to share. Lots of love to you. Love Lili.
We don’t put boundaries just to protect ourselves. When I know my boundaries I’ll be so respectful to everyone around me knowing what isn’t okay to do to them. I used to have this guilt that I have to be always available for my friends, but not anymore and that actually make my friends say to me “I wish everyone like you. You are so okay with me not being available for you and it’s easy to say no to you. Most people will take it personally” and that made me sad I wish we study this in school.. we have the right to refuse we shouldn’t feel sorry for saying no.
My "love language" Physical Touch. I recognize that not everyone is comfortable with that - but it's hard to not be hurt by a loved one dismissing that need for physical contact, even over time. I grew up in a cold household. I need touch to feel safe. I don't know how to fit this into the context of this video.
Think you have to workout a new mental model. Realize that this need for touch, likely from a parent or someone who mimics the same loving, protective acceptance, are truly the needs of a child being met. That’s the mental model you are still working from even though you’re now an assault, I assume :)
Now as adults we have many more faculties than a child to leverage, so depending on the situation we can use one that’s more appropriate for all involved.
Some examples: journaling to explore options on how to feel safe without others, in various situations, to test your reality of whether you are indeed unsafe, etc; share your feelings with close relationships as AN option that they can be more understanding of your love language needs but don’t expect that they can always show up for various reasons, learn how to self sooth because it’s a part of building muscle memory as a part of this new mental model where you are more skilled at meeting your own needs.
I use the word skill because with mental health (as with many things) a growth mindset is key. We identify areas where we need to grow and we set out finding knowledge to do so and then we practice, practice, practice. And we remember to accept ourselves because we’re going to have setbacks.
Best wishes💞💞💞🌸🌸🌸🌸
@@SaraFJones I see what you are saying, but it is also cultural. Americans are extremely anti closeness compared to other cultures, even stand further away from each other. The idea of apologizing for being inside another's imaginary air bubble is actually kind of weird.
I don't know if you have to work to change your whole mental model because that can imply how you work is wrong in some way, which I don't agree with. I think someone else said something about learning to sit with discomfort and I think that's more helpful. It's okay to need touch but it's unfair on someone else to violate their boundaries in order to sooth yourself. This will put too much strain on the other person and instead you can work out if and how it okay to touch the other person. If they say no, understand that it's to do with their own feelings around touch (which are just as important as yours) and not about them rejecting you.
Natalia Rudiak physical touch, in my view, is a life long human need. Our modern culture is highly disembodied, and many no longer feel the natural inclination to express through touch, in simple everyday ways with friends and family. In other cultures even strangers will touch, like a pat on the shoulder to say “excuse me”. When I’ve experienced this kind of touch especially from older people in older cultures, I found it so affirming of my humanity. It gave me a deep sense of well-being. Sad;y, I have almost no one in my circle who appreciates touch. Sending compassion.
I think physical touch is awesome and super healthy... So I ALWAYS open my arms wide and walk towards people with a big smile that says "I'm coming in for a hug!" That gives people a few seconds to say "Oh, I'm not a hugger" or to stick out their hand for a handshake instead. I respect people's right to refuse and dial it down to their level of comfort if needed but I don't change MY true nature or initial inclination. Sometimes I wear a t-shirt I made that says "Warning! I am a Hugger!" So people can run from the "hug monster" if they need to... Cuz I am coming in for the hug if they don't object. Lol. I remember some study about how humans need at least 10 human touches a day to be healthy emotionally.
Once I began working on my boundaries and communicating them efdecrively, 90% of the stress, discord, or frustration I was experiencinf went away. And this after years of therapy and healing other areas of my life. Without boundaries, I realized I could not be healthy, or have healthy interactions or relationships. I consider boundaries to be the top priority in getting and keepinf mentally healthy.
You’re a life saver. As someone who is “too nice” and abandoning myself for the sake of other people’s needs, I am struggling with setting boundaries as I fear that they misunderstood that and stay away from me. It also rooted from a traumatic childhood. Now, I’ve realized that boundaries are actually good and helping me towards self-care and authenticity. I will now do my best to speak up and stand up for myself when being disrespected 🥺
"Text me. Talk to me. You have to."
Ooh, girl. Whew. That has been me my whole life. I slip into lizard brain where all the "abandonment" alarm bells go off. This is where sitting with discomfort is so valuable.
YES, i see you!
Same here
I truly love you ! thank you for reminding me that it's okay not to feel comfortable about certain things.
This would be even more helpful if there were more examples of what to say to people who violate boundaries. Thanks.
Hi there! A lot of responding to boundaries is actually NOT engaging. We are inclined to continuously explain ourselves. When setting boundaries, many people will violate them. Our work is to be clear and kind stating them, then hold them regardless of the other person's reaction.
@@TheHolisticPsychologist Thanks. That's helpful.
@theholisticpsychologist Very helpful video, but I agree that another video on how to say no, I’m not comfortable with you talking to me that way etc would be really helpful, as if you are bought up not to express your feelings (or even allowed to have them) then you know something is wrong when someone steps on your boundaries, but you simply don’t have the language to speak it, as you’ve never seen it demonstrated. You can’t always walk away (at school/home etc) and with some (narcissistic) people that will just inflame the situation, so if you could do a video on how to calmly speak your truth that would be much appreciated! 😊 x
FunnyShellBear well said.....very well said.
my therapist taught me the assertiveness formula, which is helpful to just even recite in your mind for clarity if you feel weird spelling it out to the person, but it goes like this: This is how I see it...., This is how it makes me feel...., and This is what I need from you....
I grew up with at least one parent, maybe both.. who always crossed boundaries with me and my sister. It would happen with teasing or saying things like “you’re too sensitive, he was just trying to get a rise out of you”.
When you live this as a child and then are shamed for feeling it is wrong, unlearning these low boundaries is like a new language.
As an adult, I see I am a people pleaser and understanding boundaries has been a huge struggle.
Thank you for this easy to understand video.
It feels great to really get to know what I'm truly not comfortable with, and to voice that to others unapologetically. I used to always tip toe around other people's boundaries whilst making myself uncomfortable in the process. I would put other's needs before my own. It's a delicate balance. People are complicated and so I only enjoy and/or tolerate interacting in small doses these days.
I’m really glad that you included professional boundaries and people[s perceived right of free labor As an example of a boundary issue. As a professional musician I can’t tell you how many times people have been genuinely surprised when I told them that they have to pay me for my services.
My family is a big violator of the time/labor boundary. They act like they own my time. They always request things to the point where I neglect my own needs. It starts affecting my sleep and even my ability to work sometimes. I've even had them tell me to call off work or do something later in order to do something for them right away. I've been telling people lately that if I have to put my needs and priorities aside for them they will have to start paying me. They laugh at it.
When we work a job we exchange our time for money. Time isn't free, in fact, it is a limited resource and our most precious. And people seem to think they can choose what you do with your time as if it is free and belongs to everyone else. I've straight up told people that if they want me available all the time they will have to start handing over their paychecks to me. Giving them your time and labor or even being stuck giving them money all the time turns you into their personal slave. I'm not going to be their servant.
When your in enmeshed relationships such as families who have no idea what boundaries are and especially child rearing in the 60's, 70's and 80's parents, at least mine showed no boundaries and were very unhealthy emotionally that at the age of 57 I can see how this has tragically affected me by not being able to set effective boundaries for myself personally. Thank you for this video, you gave great examples and made it very easy to comprehend especially for someone who has PTSD and CPTSD symptoms.
I'm 51.. and I agree with you 100%
i just realised while watching this that coming from an Asian background and boundaries are quite difficult to set as may be construed as rude and so there is a tendency to be an outcast, particularly in a cultural community setting.
This video is so important especially nowadays with everyone being so entitled and thinking they have the right way of everything. Thanks so much for sharing this, I absolutely love it.
You are also helping so many people identify what they didnt even know was a problem and stand up for themselves. This is so powerful. Thank you again.
Great explanation! I've shared that video with my sisters! We should educate ourselves and others because this should be obvious informations, but in many cases the way we are treated, for example in childhood, sometimes trains us to think that we don't have the right to have our voice and needs and that we should focus only on what other people feel and want and neglecting ourselves. And then it is messing our lives and we feel pain, but we don't have to if we know that we have rights like anybody else! Let's stop this chain of pain and empower ourselves and others! Thank you! 💪🤗😘♥️
Wow I’m just three minutes in and this is the best video on boundaries I have ever heard! I see how my emotional boundaries have been crossed and how I have crossed others. Without awareness.
Hit the nail on the head when you said there was one emotion going on in the household, never even realized that’s what it was because it was so normal to me. I always thought I was extremely empathetic. Also I find myself expecting people to want me to feel sad with them, I feel a great amount of guilt when I’m happy and someone is sad.
I watched a gazillion videos about boundaries, yet this is the clearest and most helpful one so far. Something finally clicked in my head, so thank you so much Nicole!
Time/Energy boundaries is one topic I find Interesting because I do feel like any free time I get , Someone else’s plans always seem to come up . Or even worse I feel like people suss out my schedule , to them plan what I should do with my free time. I don’t know how many times I’ve heard , -but thats your off that day? What else would you be doing? Do this - And if I say no , I always have to come up with some kind of convincing plan or task I’m going to do that day , to justify having that time to myself. So anytime now I talk at all about my schedule to anyone, if there’s time off in that schedule , I always feel the need to retract what I said about having freetime and fill it with -oh but I have this plan for my freetime. Instead of being free to reach that day off and figure out on the day itself what I want to do .
Why t f this isn't thought in school really. Very Likely bc institutions (most of them) themselves and society take advantage of people with poor boundaries. This is *so* valuable.
Grateful for you!🙏🏼 Thank you for sharing. I had boundaries in all my past relationships. Not the one I'm in now. I feel so lost and your helping me find my light again.
Gosh, listening to the part about boundaries around your items really makes me want to cry. In America, kids are taught that they NEED to share, often without considering them needing some time before they pass their toy to someone else to play with. Kids deserve to have their boundaries respected too. ❤️ Of course, we can teach them to be kind in other ways that don't involve crossing boundaries.
Wow! Thank you! I am trying to put boundaries. I remember some verse in The Bible that calls to have a city with walls around it.
So important....thank you for breaking this down for those of us just now exploring this type of living!!!
3:15 absolutely this. I for one can’t stand to be emotionally bombarded with someone’s day, mainly for the fact that I barely process my own. I would much rather talk about it and then let it go. Most of my partners keep going and their emotions become mine.I’m willing to allow for myself more internal boundaries but I’d say all in all I’d rather not have partners who don’t choose to let go
🔥 same here! It’s exhausting and then it occurred to me one day I’m allowing it to happen. I have two friends who treated me as if I was someone to receive their status update on their daily ongoing of life. I hadn’t seen one of them in a while and the next time I did she launched into her checklist of 12 things going on that day. I interrupted her and said I’m so sorry I’m not available to check in this way. I actually can’t hear you. she was really taken aback. And I was OK with that. The therapist helped me understand how entrenched these patterns can become and how hard they are to break. In the end I was looking for some thing that was much more mutual and reciprocal and quite frankly respectful and she didn’t have it to offer and that was OK. Over the next several months I didn’t blame her I just let her know my needs for friendship we’re changing and I hope to be able to continue our long lasting friendship. With another friend it worked out great and we are closer than ever but with this particular friend I haven’t talk to her in a few years. Sometimes we overstay beyond the expiration date of our relationship and not everyone wants to grow with us. Blessings to you have a beautiful day.
Watching this has triggered some strong discomfort in my gut. Shall be working on finding the source of that discomfort in the near future. Thanks a lot for your work. You're a great inspiration and your work is very present in my day-to-day. Thank you xx
I never knew much about what boundaries meant, but I knew there were none in my family. Your very first point is something ny parents have done throughout my entire life. Dismissing and invalidating any feelings I ever had that weren't positive. Explaining myself until I'm completely exasperated only for them to still not understand.
This video was so helpful. I love that you broke it down into different categories and how boundaries and broken boundaries look in them. also great to see you talk about material and time/energy. I dont think a lot of people think of those as things that need boundaries, and hearing it be talked about was so validating. Definitely going to make my husband watch this with me again later, and i sent it to a couple of my sisters.
Especially in workplace: inappropriate sexual statements need to be called out as such. Not “it doesn’t work for me” but “No. That is inappropriate here.” The former implies a personal relationship. Also the former implies it might work for your female coworkers. In professional/public relationships we need to represent ourselves but also other women.
My mom loves to loan me out to everyone for anything that involves physical labor. Since I got the Covid vaccine, my periods have been atrocious and painful. Today I’ve been now bleeding for 3 solid weeks. Yesterday I was finally brave enough to tell my mom no when she asked me to go to her friends house and move a heavy bed topper across her house to the spare bedroom. I’ve also just discovered at age 45 that I’ve also been a victim of parentification, and she’s always put her needs and relationships before mine. It’s very hard and saddening to finally get that light bulb moment, but I feel like I’m at a point where I need to finally take care of me and not everyone else around me, especially when my needs are constantly neglected by them. Love your channel and I’ve subscribed. ❤
I have the worst boundaries. This video is priceless information for me.
When I first reconnected with my cousin after not seeing each other since childhood, she started dumping very personal traumas she experienced in relationships, sometimes the same stories every time we were together. I tried to tell her that it's not fair to me to do that and she played dumb. And my coworkers tend to ask really personal questions then use the information against people, then wonder why I don't want to open up LoL
OMG I feel as if applying all of these is going to fix all of my problems for ever (maybeI), I wish my parents would have learnt this but it is OK they didn’t. It was different times. Thank you 🙏🏽 🙏🏽
SO GLAD I FOUND YOU!! Theres not enough on how to do this online haha
OMG! I'm that kind of person that bombarb ppl as I call them. OMG so unthoughtful. smh
I can not fully Express how grateful I am for you sharing your work. It is doing so much for me and helping me in a time that I need it most. You are speaking about so many things that resonate with me so deeply. These are things I knew within myself and HERE YOU ARE... speaking about them and most importantly sharing how I can implement techniques so that I can improve, shift, grow. THANK YOU. sending you so much love ❤
What a thoughtful comment! This means a lot to me. Much, much love to you.
@@TheHolisticPsychologist ❤
you are the best at explaining boundaries, it helped me so much to notice where I needed to set clear boundaries for myself. Thank you.
Thank you for making me understand what boundaries are.
There's so much talk about it.
I'm glad I found this video because now I can be more aware of my own boundaries and others! And don't take it personally when someone set boundaries with me 😊
Thank you @The Holistic Psychologist I feel like your videos, and your expression of these subjects is honest and easy to digest. I really appreciate how you can admit to being on both sides of the coin, me too. There should be no stigma or shame in being able to admit mistakes or to shed light. I feel like your videos are a lighthouse in the storm :)
this is lovely, thank you. One i would personally add to emotional boundaries is reassuring. I am often in this pattern, where i feel the other wants me (or they directly ask me) to reassure them or validate their viewpoint, especially if mine is different. I am now seeing this as a boundary violation
Love this and how helpful it is when you categories and break these down to bring awareness to a relationship and how to better it from both point of views.
Hi Chris! thank you so much for this feedback. Noted!
Every human being on planet earth needs to see this video! Thank you!
This has clarified so much for me! You rock, Nicole 🤘🏼💅🏼🙏🏼
God my ex husband used to make me defend everything I said and did and it was soo exhausting that for a while I just stopped saying and doing much at all!
I understand you so much!
Been there, done that and have the tee shirt. I would get so frustrated, anxious and angry.
Thank you for always opening my eyes. Whenever I listen to your work people and memories come to mind and I reflect on them. And then I address them later. Thank you 💙
Thank you 💯💯💯. There’s a lot of talk about the term boundaries but you actually put meat on the bones of the conversation here. This is really getting into the material and doing affirmative teaching. Thank you thank you thank you.
When someone wants to be in my personal space or get to know me more than I’m comfortable with.. it makes me angry and rude lol
Same!
Thank you so much for that 🙏 Of course we have to have boundaries. Beautiful, powerful, healthy boundaries ❤️
" Boundaries are for you and by you ." Thanks
Thank you for this video, it was very helpful! I've heard so much about "boundaries" but wasn't really clear in what situations I would set them and now this makes much more sense to me. I am wondering about setting boundaries when it comes to money; often I feel like I'm being taken advantage of, but not sure how to speak up for myself/what to would say. I always feel very awkward.
LB - I have one for money to think about....I will lend $50 to those I'm close to, no questions asked and no repayment obligation. If they for money a second time, I'm now asking their need for it and if there is a problem- they don't have to answer but I don't have to give again either. If it's for an electric bill for example, I will pay the bill directly to the company. I will not give the bill money to the person so they can use it for something else. If a person is truly in need, they shouldn't have a problem with this approach. Hope this helps as a start. Best wishes.
Put CONDITIONS UP FRONT along with COMPASSION. Very SENSIBLE. FAIR-MINDED.
LOVING approach. 💡👍
I finished a Psychology degree a few months ago, and your videos have been helping me continue learning about my passion after graduating. I love your content so much, it's all very openminded, accepting and informative. Thank you Nicole :)
thank you for this nicole, you have provided high value to those seeking to be better very grateful.
You live up to your name! Much love.
Energy vampires are my kryptonite. I thought it was a compliment when people came to me and asked so much of me. Like, "Wow, they really know how great I am." Truth is I put a shit ton of energy into relationships that were really one-sided. I was being used A LOT masked as love and friendship. I don't harbor any ill feelings though. It's human nature to be selfish, it's survival in the lizard brain. I was selfish in my attempt to feel loved and needed, they were selfish in their time of need. The day I told my mother no on the phone was HUGE! She was frustrated she actually hung up on me. That's how strange it was for me to say no. She called back within a few minutes, understanding and actually a bit proud of me but that moment was EYE-OPENING. Even my own mother was trying to use my time and energy for her reasons.
You'll probably never read this, but I want to thank you so very much for making this video. I've been looking for information on this topic and it's just not covered anywhere.
You did it perfectly with excellent quality detail. Thank you again......💚💚💚
This is so empowering! Can’t wait to implement
My stepdaughter just gave me your book. So far amazing. I think you are an amazing person you just get it and you explain things so good.
I definitely see these things in a few friendships and always felt bad setting boundaries.. but I’ve slowly started to set them and feel better.
This was extremely helpful especially in my newer friendships I am learning that it is okay for me to have my space, and understanding that it is okay to say no, thank you so so much, much love
Nicole is lowkey the parent we all need. Thank you Nicole 🙏🏼
Thanks for posting - Great video, great topic... BOUNDARIES... something NOT taught in AUTHORITARIAN "Families".
to think all this can be cured learning some Respect and Prudence, I.ve been dealing with this people my whole life, this has made me extremely aware of how not to be toxic, but people don't care, we are dealing with a world of self absorbed entitle brats , everyone wants what they want, when they want it as they want it.
This was so empowering and valuable, thank you
This couldn't have come at a better time. I am trying to set boundaries with my Son who has mental health and addiction he is suffering from. I am in recovery for both myself. And I'm really having a hard time with ALL of it. Mentally and physically. I am just starting therapy again and see her Thursday, thank God.
Hi Teri, I'm so glad this video is helpful for your life as well as your relationship with your son. Sending you tons of lvoe in your healing/recovery.
this is so helpful and exactly what I needed to help me in my current relationship concerns
Thank you for the video. It would've been great to get deeper on each point though. Maybe more examples on different ways on how to set them. Setting boundaries is so hard work!!
Oh shit, I have trouble with setting boundaries!
I didn’t know that was the case, but listening to someone explaining what it means to set healthy boundaries I realize I have serious trouble with it.
This video is just coming perfectly on time!
I realize how I struggle with setting my bounderies, how blur they are.
As soon as I understand why the other person is like he/she is, I 'neglect' how hurt I felt by their behaviour.
Saying No is very hard for me and staynding strong with the NO is even harder... I feel very unconfortable but I understand I got to learn to know my own bounderies and respect them.
You have helped me so much! I kept seeing your videos decided to watch one, 5 videos later and I feel extremely understood and relieved that not only it can be fixed but it also validated! Thank you for giving all this free information that most of us had no idea these were problems that could even be fixed! 💕
I scored the internet looking for resources on boundaries and what they are. I really could not understand it for a long time but I knew I needed to be aware of / even build my own boundaries. Thank you thank you ✨
Ma'am these points are worthy to ponder upon. Now i can see with clarity where i got wrong either setting the boundaries or breaching others'.. moreover you opened up your vulnerabilities to set examples, it's applaudable. Looking forward for life coaching videos😁
Your way of teaching/explaining is such a breath of fresh air. It's one thing to hear/listen to explanations but it helps so much more to see clear, written pointers. Helps to understand even better. Thanks!
Hi Thank you for this feedback!
Yes, and no Powerpoint slides!
This was a very effective post ma’am. I can take notes and reference my “boundaries” with ease . Thank you 🙏🏽 . I Really enjoyed the last boundary about unwanted comments. The opposite sex takes my friendliness as flirtation, but in reality I’m just an open minded , comfortable individual. When the conversation turns sexual immediately react with silence or a weird laugh . Ughhhh I hate it lol .
Loved this video. While i was listening to you I was checking my boundaries or the lack of them in order to establish them consciously. Thank you so much for helping me, love and blessings to you 💕
Loved this one. So clear and concise, and relatable. Thanks for all the priceless content...
I had a friend recently tell me I have been hurting their feelings after I told them their actions were hurting mine. And they responded by saying I’ve constantly been hurting theirs and crossed their boundaries and didn’t care to understand them, without even stating their boundaries to me in the first place till the point where they purposely acted out and expected me to know
I just started dating again after divorce and this is so well-timed. I am not comfortable getting physical yet and just dating as friends but I'm finding that guys are so pushy. I mean they expect hookups it's ridiculous. I just go out for coffee dates as friends right now and they still want to get close. I mean I'm appreciative that they like me etc but please boys respect a girls limits. So good reminder that I will enforce my boundaries because I am not ready for that!!!
This board in every video is very very helpful that u summary these things by writing them!!👌
I watch this video regularly.
Such important information to constantly remind myself of... Thank you Nicole
You're so welcome!
Thank you Nicole this video it's really good educational because a lot of us lack of boundaries without realizing it your new microphone sounds good🙏🤗
These were great! The intrusive questions are definitely a boundary violation - thanks for defining that for me.
Wow I didn’t even know these things could be put in such a beautiful and orderly way