Anxious Obsessing Makes You Unavailable (Insecure Attachment)
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- Опубліковано 30 жов 2016
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In my videos, I like to talk about Psychology, Healing Attachment Trauma, Relationship Repair, Inner Child Self-Re-Parenting, Love Addiction, Codependency, Grieving Break Ups, Family Programming, Fantasy Relationships, The Romantic Narrative, Primal Panic, Trauma Bonding, Double-Binds, Attachment Styles, Couples Counseling, Better Boundaries, Shame and Self-love, CPTSD Breakthroughs, Emotional Availability, and Body-Focused Psychotherapy for Healing Trauma..
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Alan Robarge, LPC, Licensed Professional Counselor,
Attachment-Focused, Trauma-Informed,
Psychotherapist and Relationship Educator
Emotional Connections Matter!
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Anxious Obsessing Makes You Unavailable (Insecure Attachment)
In this video, I talk about how anxious obsessing creates a distraction from being in the present moment. When we are distracted in our own rumination, worry, and how our partner is failing us and failing to connect in a proper way, then we are in fact showing up as avoidant.
Questions to answer in the comments section:
What is one thing you learned from listening to this video?
What is one takeaway you can apply to your personal healing process?
Remember to leave a comment. What is your takeaway from this video?
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Anxious Obsessing Makes You Unavailable (Insecure Attachment)
Hello Subscribers:
Thank you for checking out my videos and posting such thoughtful comments. It's inspiring to read your self-reflections and insights. I love how we grow from each other's sharing.
One thing I have learned after years of reading comments is that we are not alone. Many of us have the same experiences when it comes to relationships. We are all trying to make sense of attachment trauma and learn better skills of relating.
Great job everyone - keep going and keep learning!
As I'm sure you can understand, I'm not able to respond to all the comments and questions here on UA-cam. I know this can be disappointing sometimes. Please forgive me. It is challenging to find the time for the careful consideration that is needed in order to respond to your heartfelt reflections. Even so, your vulnerability shines through.
I know behind each comment is a real person with real feelings who's hurting or who’s reporting a triumph. I know you are doing the best you can while trying to make sense of life’s suffering. We are all grappling with what it means to be human. I’m sorry that I’m not always able to respond to your comments directly.
That being said, I'm sharing this post to offer you a few resources in an attempt for us to stay connected. Keep in mind that I do read most comments here on UA-cam. Your words are received. I review comments daily, which serves as a way to organize content for future videos.
If you have a question or an idea for a video that you think is important to explore when it comes to learning about relationships and healing attachment trauma, then I want to hear about it. Please submit your questions and ideas here: www.alanrobarge.com/questions
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Many of us want to know how to heal, how to change, how to be more secure in our relationships. This is why I created the course The Four Attachment Distress Responses.
Many of our behaviors in relationships are habitual - meaning we act out of autopilot. Our autopilot Response comes from past conditioning of negative experiences. When attachment injuries go unaddressed, we become insecure in our relationships.
The Four Attachment Distress Responses Course describes each specific type of guardedness, which is how we try to protect ourselves from getting hurt again, while also attempting to get our attachment needs met.
While we cannot change the past, we can change how we respond in the moment and in the future. This course offers you insights and tools as new ways to respond in your relationships. The Four Responses are Poking, Running, Hiding, and Submitting. You’re invited to take the quiz to learn more about your Response.
Take The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
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I created an 8-week program and membership community based on the guiding principle of Self-Directed Healing Work #selfhealers that I want to share with you. The community is called Improve Your Relationships. The focus is about healing attachment injuries in the context of relationship repair in all areas of our lives.
When we look at the big picture of how attachment injuries and attachment trauma occurred in our lives, we are able to begin seeing our relationship choices from a whole new perspective. We gain access to inner resources that shift how we relate and respond to old hurts. It's a process. It's layered. It requires commitment. This is what the community is all about - committing to your healing work.
You are invited to join us. The community members are kind and supportive. We are an established group. The feedback and testimonials have been overwhelmingly positive.
Please check out the link for more information: www.alanrobarge.com/community
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Also, in addition to checking out my course and/or joining us in the Community, please consider becoming a Sustaining Supporter by making a financial contribution.
Your contribution helps guarantee continued quality and accessible content. If you benefit from my videos and want to show your support for the value offered, then please make a donation: www.alanrobarge.com/donate
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Thank you for being a channel subscriber and watching my videos.
And remember, we invest in our healing work because “Emotional Connections Matter!”
Best regards,
Alan Robarge
Attachment-Focused Psychotherapist
www.alanrobarge.com/
this is so on point. i am getting used to patterns and if my boyfriend changes his behaviour i become suspicious and make scenarios in my mind which is so exhausting and most of the times these assuptions are not true.
I feel the same
matinachtz I hate it. I push everyone away bc I can not tolerate the anxiety from the uncertainty. But these videos are very helpful, and I hope I can now get a grasp on this.
Same...
I looked a fool accusing him the other day of something that I created in my head
He said "acting like a detective" welp...call me Mr. Gadget 👀
Exactly...I snoop on his phone lol!
Trying to find something suspicious.
@@songsforsale427 not all of us. We're out there, but we're scared. Of getting hurt again
Lol me too
FAXXXX 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😫🙃🤦🏾♀️
Pre-screening is HUGE. I never did this quite right, and it has cost me very heavily. This, and I settled for less than I wanted/needed all of my life, just because the guy was great and good and likely a catch to anyone else. I'm pretty intense and passionate, very feeling and emotional. I never ever found anyone to match this about me, never thought that I would, and maybe I won't. But, it's what I need. It's what I've always needed. And, because I settled, I lowered my own value and worth to myself. I love hard and big, and have only been with passive lovers. What a mess.
That's a skill and a tool that wasn't given or taught to me because of my traumatic childhood. I would like to get out of this pattern but I don't know how.... It makes me cry everytime I think about my situation.
You and me both, girl! You and me both! 😩
@@Autumn_Forest_ same,turning 50 next month and feel like I wasted my whole life like this 😒
@@zebrastripes3786 Yrah, I’m right behind you at 47 and feel the same way.
Same.
This video is really helpful and im anxously attached. its painful living in this anxiety
bless you; you are not alone & you are dearly loved.....so many of us are ;healing or not yet ready to heal inner child ,,,, sending love & hugs to you & your beautiful inner child and all in need of love xxx
tellingitlikeitis - I experience this too and I’m trying so hard to heal. It’s very challenging to retrain my thought patterns and trying to heal myself whether or not my avoidant partner changes... I’m not sure if I should be doing this IN RELATIONSHIP with my partner or independent FROM my partner. It’s confusing... But I recognize this unhelpful/dysfunctional pattern, and I’m very motivated to change both how I’m functioning personally and also how I interact relationally. I’m struggling with boundaries in my romantic and friendship relationships. I only notice when an unstated/not understood/non-acknowledged boundary is crossed. Very frustrating. I’m the same way, I know what I DON’T want but struggle to determine what I DO want. I very much want to heal. It’s not fun being anxiously attached because it gives all one’s’ personal power away. It’s a desperate type of existence and feels infantile. I want to mother myself but I’m still struggling to learn how to do this AND then to do those things that I have learned (as it is uncomfortable and requires a trust in myself or the process or some greater power etc etc that feels nonexistent or too minute to even register)... Anyone make any progress on healing from anxious attachment?
Me too.
@@abtlet2002 currently in the same limbo within my own relationship, i recognized my dysfunction being triggered with her & have made the decision to heal myself, at this moment i am trying to have compassion and patience with myself in deciding whether i will be capable of healing in relationship together or if it's best i heal alone.
Yep me too. It's awful!
I’ve been having issues with attracting unavailable guys then obsess about them staying connected. I would then sabotage the relationship and end up fighting with them in the end. This is very very enlightening
Have you managed to make any changes?
story of my life
Man this is awful. I hate this
This is me 110%! And my boyfriend of three years has an avoidant attachment style. It's hard. There are times when he's very tuned in to my needs and we spend much time together, get close, talk often and it's almost with the snap of a finger he pulls away, withdrawals, distances himself, little communication. It's hard not to take personally. And then I end up anxiously obsessing. These videos help. Thank You!
Rhonda Smith I'm going through the same thing. I cry so much I literally had to take medications for anxiety. He was very attached to me now three years in it's all over the place . It's too intense.
It’s interesting how you said he’s not “tuned in to your needs” when technically you aren’t being tuned into his needs either if he withdrawals & needs distance for relief. Your comment is skewed as if he’s the one doing something wrong but it’s funny because he could say the same thing about you not giving him space. Basically y’all aren’t a good fit. I’m anxious too. So I’m trying to take my own advice too lol
I had this pattern going in a long-term relationship for 7 yrs. I think those 2 personality types get together frequently. I used to be really preoccupied-anxious (with that person). Now... as an older woman, I find myself being avoidant. I think both stem from deep-seated insecurity.
@@exploringdimensions4all853 it's because 50% are the secure attachment, 25% anxious attachment and 25% avoidant attachment. The secure are more likely to pair up and stay together, and anxious can actually become more secure with a secure attachment. Avoidants are usually back on the market.
Same thing for me. Why does it have to be his way? Why is there no meeting in the middle?
Trust, however, has always been an issue for me. Trusting in romantic relationships seems almost foolish, like sticking your hand in a bee hive for some sweet honey, but you KNOW that bees are in there, and you KNOW what bees do. How to override the cerebral wisdom and the nervous system's protective strategies with blind faith in flawed human beings... It's a tough puzzle.
I'm in a hypervigalent state myself still after 6months of being single, I had started to get involved with one person since and with that discovered how it feels to date a fearful avoidant and it was again what I'd call an abusive ending ... I'm working all the time I have in supportive therapy with the aim of achieving secure attachment with them , and studying hypnotherapy, doing inner child work, feelings identification checking daily, understand so much about neuroscience and mental health but till I'm not confident that I have developed these safety boundaries yet for myself though. I am very loving and sexual and I'm left now wondering if this trust I dished out blindly,will remain blind or if I really can find another empath or secure attachment the life partner if I'm myself now fearful, possibly with ptsd myself from about 30% of my relation ships in life having resultant ly been traumatic for me
I totally could relate...
Wow, excellent introspection.
Amazing insight.
GO OFF SIS
Thanks for sharing❤️
Yes! Me again. The obsessive thinking about my ex partner. My blaming him. Me seeing myself as the victim-the good guy and he the bad guy. The denial that the real problem is that I don't want to have to admit that we simply are just not as compatible as I have longed for us to be. That we both have attachment injuries that make us interact in a certain, dysfunctional way. Both unavailable for intimacy. Another eye opener. Thank you again, Alan. You are amazing.
If it's a compatibility issue why haven't you met someone conpatible by now? I don't think there's any such thing as two people who are compatible, that's ridiculous. Relationships take work and it's usually only the anxious ones that are willing to do it. Capitalist societies don't appreciate relationships they just worship the almighty dollar. Which leads to the worst misery
If both partners are willing and open it should be possible to work out most things I agree but there can be different stules that have a harder time making it work, eg anxious and avoidant attachment styles, so - a compromise between your perspectives 😊.
If you suffer from this; following them on The social media platforms is a bad idea. It will presuade you obsess over the moves and thoughts of your partner. Unconditioned love and communication is needed. Thank you.
Omg your right. Following them on social media will mean that you're chasing crumbs . It's provoking and stressful because it's not direct contact so it's just a fantasy
@@HisaLight2mypath we don't want to be walking on eggshells especially when that way of relating is short-lived.
@@YellowCakeRadio very short lived
Spot on ..deep down I know I am unavailable .. And I always, always end up with people who are also unavailable ..I then become frustrated with the other persons unavailability... And I am sure they get frustrated by mine .. Lol two unavialable people craving the same conection but who are completely unable to drop the gaurd ..... So Strange how we can be so aware of something about our own behaviour but yet be totally unable to change it.
I believe this pattern is about fear .. And Most likely its the fear or terror even , of intimacy & ultimately possible rejection , that is at the core . the irony is we will always end up feeling/being rejected anyway because that is the very thing we have created out of our fearfullness....
Quantum Girl this is currently what I’m discovering. The guilt and sense of loss is settling in more and more knowing I was probably just as much to blame. What a nightmare and what a cycle to be stuck in. Ekkkkk 🙃
It doesn't matter why it's there, just change it
It isn’t true that you’re unable to change the behaviour. It is a huge challenge, yes. But relationship attachment styles are malleable. Earned secure is the goal.
This is the most succinctly and well put analysis of these attachment styles I have ever heard. You are dead on and anyone who is experiencing either of them should be listening to this 16 minute video at LEAST 2 or 3 times a year to remind themselves. Thank you for sharing your insight. If this kind of information was available and we had it all on the Internet 20 and 30 years ago, I bet there are millions who would not have been married to the people they chose.
Thank you for valuing the effort I put into offering explanation. We could never have enough conversations about insecure attachment and how it causes us to sometimes make relationship decisions too quickly. We need to bring awareness to respond to moments of insecurity differently. If you haven't already heard about it, you may be interested in the course, The Four Attachment Distress Responses. Learn more by taking the quiz www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz The course is one response to how we might change these dynamics. Thanks for your comment.
Wow. Just wow. This is me. I’m the problem and I had no idea. I’m laughing in disappointment at this plot twist. Im relieved to know what’s up with me though, Thank you
He used to do this to me. He wouldn't reply for hours but if I didn't reply almost instantly he would get angry . Once he insulted me and silenced me for a week because of this. He started being over vigilant of what I was doing and extremely jealous when he had no reason to. He was the one who had 3 women when he met me....who kept reappearing even after 5 years. All these ambiguities led me to become extremely paranoid because I knew how well he could lie. And when I asked for explanations he would give me 10 different answers . I was going crazy. I left him last week.
Bintang221 - Good for you. He sounds like a classic narcissist. You need to sort yourself out and heal from the damage he has done to your mind and your wellbeing...and your sense of self. Narcissists are vampires...they keep taking until there’s nothing left. To get out without him coming back to woo you and put you back right where he wants you (under his control) look up “gray rock” method. You basically become totally boring and have zero to offer him: no drama, no tears, no panic, no revenge sex...nothing. You just go about your life - you don’t pretend he’s not there, you just pretend you’re not hurt or broken or desperate and you become completely boring so that he finds another target to leech off of. Good for you walking away. Stay strong...your life is worth it. The craziness he’s put you through is beyond. Work on yourself and your own healing, and be thankful you got out. Don’t look back, girl! You got this!!
You deserve peace. Glad you escaped this craziness. Life is too short to live like that!
Glad I found this, I felt this hard especially at the 7:38 mark. I literally sub consciously look for signs of things tapering off. And she’s come through every time, even said she likes hanging with me even though she’s younger, she consistently shows she comes over, texting etc. don’t create demons ladies and gents, go with the flow and enjoy the moment. And when the person you like shows effort appreciate that and keep things rolling. You can’t change her or him, believe you’re worthy of a stable relationship, keep expectations realistic, still have goals and hobbies for yourself. Thank you Alan.
thanks for your reflections. Glad this resonates.
I feel kind of bad that I didn't just pay $80 for this session. Jesus, Alan, you're amazing.
Wow... im a fearful avoidant but in my last relationship with a dismissive avoidant, I was anxiously attached. And you just described it perfectly... i think we all need a securely attached partner while we are healing, cause if not, its impossible to work on yourself, while being constantly triggered. Great video!
as a secure person dating an anxious preoccupied, these videos and research has made a tremendous impact on how i view his needs and how i address him. before, i was too harsh and viewed his anxieties as irrational and took them as disrespect because i’d done nothing wrong. i now see that this is simply how his mind works, and that empathy and compassion goes a long way. he is so eager and willing to improve for our relationship and now i feel more prepared to work on us
This is very helpful. I'm really working on inner healing this year so I can put an end to destructive habits in my relationships.
Alan. My anxious obsessing is making it difficult for me to completely focus on all of this amazing content. You're so right when you say that this type of thinking makes a person unavailable to the moment. I'm going to watch this again and again, while taking notes.
THANK YOU.
Laurie I’ve started taking notes as well! Cheers! 🥂
What do you even care? You've got 100s of guys you could get on any app
How do I know if I'm overthinking if she loves me or not, or if she really is losing interest? To an anxious attached person, it's all the same.
By learning to accept your circumstances and to be at peace with uncertainty. The inevitable uncertainty of the world must not determine to the love you express. Allow yourself to love unconditionally. It helps at least a bit.
Reason why you are unsure with uncertainty is because you're not focusing on yourself. At the end of the day your actions for yourself are the only things that remain constant..with or without this person
The thing that "broke me free" of this state of mind was listening to Alan Watts non-stop, and meditation. I say broke free because once my mind was at peace, I literally saw brighter colors in everything. Everything was brighter and more vivid and my mind was still. No anxiety. No overthinking. In fact, I first noticed this when I was driving on a long delivery route for work. I was listening to Alan Watts and I noticed my mind had no thoughts. The silence was eerie, yet beautiful. When I noticed this I actually thought in my mind and physically moved my body, a slight lunge forward and I thought: "Where are my thoughts?" "Why... no thoughts?" I tried to make my mind do what it was used to doing, thinking overboard, and I couldn't.. It felt very strange, but I try my best every day to get back to that place. I think, maybe I try to much, and I need to just let be what is. Let go of what is. I used to tell myself a sort of mantra that helped me: "Everything is nothing, nothing is everything."
Best wishes! 🤗🤗🤗
@@dhn2549 i envy you.
@@myzchyn3835 =) Here is what you need, and if you do this and try your very best to accomplish what they talk about, it will change you for the better, for the rest of your life!
Listen to Dr. Joe Dispenza, Gregg Braden, and Bruce Lipton. Third eye/pineal gland.
Also, lookup the GAIA network on UA-cam. Get ready my friend, life will be better =)
I wish you the best of everything! 🙏🏻🤗❤☯️♾
Oh my god.. this is beyond nail on the head this is like hitting the definition of a dot in math, a point with no diameter or area, my god! Simply having this awareness explains my past relationships and gives me the ability to change something. You may have saved my relationship and changed my belief that there was something wrong with me... I wish I could explain how big of a deal hearing all that was, my god thank you!!
You are so right. I can see this pattern. It is so difficult to focus on your own needs. Mine just recently popped up, i wanted to have more connection with somebody who was clearly emotionally unavailable, but i did think that would change though there were hoge red flags from the start onward.
Your video's are really helpful. Whish i had found them 20 years ago :-)
I focused just on his needs and ignored my own. I was also distant. Initially blamed it on him, but woke up. This helps me understand how and why I did what I did.
😊😊
😊😊y😊😊😊😊😊
😊😊y😊😊😊😊😊😊
You are raw, fresh, vulnerable and just great!!
This man breaks it down exactly how it is, thank you Alan!
Excellent content Alan, I see the truth to this. As you said much of it is unconscious. No one would want to feel this way.. It's totally fear based I believe.
yes many of us go through these experiences to reclaim ourselves; thats why we have to see the whole picture whether its the 'victim' feeling controlled & not knowing they are powerful or 'abuser' its all fear of loss may all the world heal to feel self love & find the help everyone needs to save future generations thank god for all this information that Anyone can find xx
this really described so much of what i go through and it really is crazy to hear you describe the way that i think. This is really eye opening, thank you!!
Amazing!!! spot on! this is me and I so want to get out of this cycle. So true, I know that I am emotionally unavailable
This is one of the most helpful talks i've ever heard... thank you
Wow, this is good! Its shone a light on what im doing to prevent emotional connection and intimacy. Thank you!!!
Wow. Being someone with an anxious attachment style, this video is GODSENT!
I have never had myself explained like this before. Truly spot on. Thank you.
Your videos are so helpful and this series about emotional unavailability helps explain the tug of war that's been going on with me and my best friend for years.
Alan! Thank you so much for this video!
I just realized that I'm the anxiously avoidant person right now, and that I need to heal! :)
Thank you so very much, cannot thank you enough!! :))
Your content is so valuable. Really high quality information thank you!
Thank you Alan. I have recently discovered the term Attachment trauma. It explains so much and has really helped me find some understanding about my craziness at this time. Much therapy needed and so much anxiety, but at least now I know what to work on. Your videos really hp me in crisis.
I watched this video about two weeks ago and it changed my life. Thank you so so much! It was a wake up call that I was doing too much and getting in the way of what I wanted. I decided to relax and the person I was focusing on- we are doing so well, I am confident that we will start officially dating. Before watching this video I was so frustrated and ready to give up. I thought she was the problem or that she wasn’t communicating enough, but when I started relaxing and letting go it really helped us come together. And now that I’m not acting so anxious I am feeling more confident to comfortably interact with her and she is naturally opening up to me. Thank you
Moonbeam, I appreciate hearing how these videos affect the people who watch them. I am glad you find this material helpful. We explore these ideas in the online membership community I created. Consider joining in the conversation: www.alanrobarge.com/community
I feel I focus more with you in the video:) You have helped me identify with my bf of two years, the relationship was going down a bad path. I'm anxious. He's avoidant, but has been working with a therapist for a long time. With working on myself, we've had the best time the past few days really connecting! So good. I realized how he held my hand to self discover this info:) I found he's kind of my hero not my enemy:) Sheesh, What a journey. It feels peaceful, thank you!
I'm so glad I found your videos! I'm in the waiting room of my therapist listening to your video.
this was jaw dropping. i had never thought it it that way before, and feel like i've been put in my place, but in a good way. thank you.
Fantastic video!!! Spot on it made me understand not only the pattern and problem but how to solve it.
This is completely describing me, I always thought since I am putting so much effort I must really want to have relationship.All my life I wanted to connect but I was failing time after time. I am thinking that is related to the fact I was adopted and never admitted to myself how hurtful that felt. I will continue watching your videos, thank you for posting!
I've had several arguments with adopted friends where I said that's got to hurt and they said oh no it doesn't. Bologna!
Thank you so much! This helped me so much. I have been feeling exactly like everything you said for almost 2 years, but i didn’t know why. Thank you for helping.
Alan Robarge : I can not thank you enough for all of your knowledge and very well articulated videos. I can just close my eyes and picture the exact same scenarios that made me feel the way that you usually mention. It’s a projection of what Is boiling behind my “keep it together smile”. And all of those views and comments. I can really believe I’m not alone.
In this everyday routine I tend to neglect the importance of healing my trauma and taking care of myself. The lack of emotional intelligence is driving me crazy.
Nevertheless, I just wanted to thank you and send a BIG HUG(!) to all the people who can relate to most Alan’s videos.
Just happened on your work for the first time and so far it is so on point to what I experience. I recently got serious about addressing my childhood abandonment and my self defeating patterns so I am grateful I found your work.
Brilliant video! Never heard it explained this way!! Very helpful
Wow I didn’t think about how my anxiety means I’m showing up unavailable...
Alan!!! I'm learning so much from you! I am thankful for your time and energy.
This makes so much sense!!!
Im so thankful that i came across this wonderful man. I'm so inexperienced in relationship build and blinded by my own insecurities and anxiety, that i almost lost the woman i loved. When you listen to this man, you need to be open minded and judge yourself on what your doing. It's a hard thing accepting that your wrong but the moment you do it, you will start to grow and learn how to manage certain things better.
Your ability to take complex counterintuitive concepts and explain them in a general manner which applies to most people is awesome
All of this makes sense. Glad you made both points that maybe the amount of attatchment each person needs could be incompatible *or* it could be due to changing demands for each person.
You're amazing. Totally described my thinking.
I was so anxious in my situation until I saw this video. I realized that I become preoccupied and not being present to the situation. Thank you for this!
It’s comforting to know I am not alone in dealing with this. Anxiety affects me in so many ways.
Your videos are my therapy outside therapy. I have been slowly progressing in my awareness of my relationship patterns. Yes, it helps to have done all that work up til now. Yes, it helps that I have an understanding and can look at those patterns differently now. I also think it really sincerely helps to have someone explain it to me in terms I can understand. I don't think it helps that a large amount of my therapists were women up to now, but the energy is different coming from a male perspective. Thank you for every single one of your videos. I have (so far) been in the right place at the right time to truly receive these messages. I have even let my therapist know what I've learned. I think it's exciting. Your insights are helping me sir. I am making a list of your videos that I have watched that have really spoken to me. Thank you.
YESSS! Nailed it Alan.
True for me. I've been repetively distroying relationships like that. Sometimes I've been asking for so much proof that I knew the other person would fail.. so I manage to end the relationship.
I can't thank you enough for this!
This is a great disclosure. I value your insight and clear style. Thank you so much.
thank you sooooo much for these; fantastic tutorials ; such wonderful confirmation; i needed to be guided by my intuition back to find you again & your wisdom...its . triggered further layers deep release of pain i was (as we do) in my head ! & trying to look outside to others ,,,,so had a chat with a friend mirroring their own issues but as you wisely say we can talk too much .. .. .but now ive surrended to the feelings .sending . love to my poor abandonned ; inner child & everyones in the world xxx) im healing childhood traumas & just taken a homeopathic remedy for TRUST!! ........love healing peace to all beings past present future & in all dimensions & time space ,,all that is as we heal this fragile world & return to love xx
Wow, just wow! I haven’t heard this perspective elsewhere. It’s true that all the stuff I’ve done made me “Avoidant and unavailable” as well. Truthfully, I fucked it all up and she’s told me that plenty of times too.
I’ve started healing. I’ve been healing for about 3 years now. It’s taken that long because I was still in the relationship. Your explanations describe me and I did that for 5 years and it was really bad. Thank you very much! You are a professional. Your explanations are more pragmatic. I’ve done all of it and my partner has said that I am the one creating the problems. I must say that I’m fighting myself hard from feeling ashamed of myself for all of the issues and pain that I’ve caused her. Thank you very much. You’re speaking from science and it makes a huge difference in my understanding. 🙏🏿.
This was really enlightening. I am in the pre-occupied "spectrum" if you will. Nu Mindframe's video pointed that out to me. Also indicated to me that my partner is dismissive/avoidant. Yet she came to me saying that *I* pushed *her* away. My brain did a 360 lolwut!? I had not seen how this was making ME unavailable. This now makes total sense. Thank you so much for making this video. I think I have the courage to work on self soothing, see whether we can find an overlap, and accept whatever may be. Cheers!
Well, that's rather incredible how quite a lot of what was shared in this video, was a reflection on experiences I have had over the last 2 years... jeez... we are our own worst enemy... but what a great hurdle to be aware of and pass, a lot of learning ahead...
Thank u for making this !
Self Honesty, mutual acceptance, and non judgmental virtues. Thanks bro!
I’ve been aware of my anxious style for a year or two now, but even though I practice meditation, tapping, yoga, mindfulness, etc. to keep me present, nothing seems to get me out of my loops when I meet someone. A very close friend has told me to be more vocal about my needs early on, but it sounds like you said in this video, when you bring that up you’re blaming the other person, which I don’t want to do, especially in new dating scenarios in which being needy is vastly unattractive, so instead I try to keep it cool in our initial conversations and to leave the ball in their court to reach back out again, figuring that they will if they’re interested, and then they never do. So then I’ve lost out on the person themselves, and on expressing my needs. I think I’ve been ghosted ten times in the last few years? It’s so frustrating and depressing. ☹️☹️☹️ I must be doing something wrong right?? But I can’t afford therapy, so I just feel left behind and hopeless.
i feel like really just try to prioritize therapy. I was reading and there’s two ways to get out of the cycle: get with somebody who is secure and with time in turn make you secure, or, therapy. i think it’s the best option just because they will be there there to help you with things you’ll probably miss when you’re just reflecting on your own. I think we can always do our best when it comes to self awareness but it’ll go way faster when you have somebody who can be objective and point you in directions where you might’ve not known to look. :) I’m totally with you on all the meditation and mindfulness stuff though, it helps for sure, and I always read about how it’s a practice which means we’ll always have to do it and to just keep going. If you’re on instagram i recommend yungpueblo, babaramdass, theyogacouple, and alex elle. On UA-cam i recommend a channel called PickUpLimes, whose main focus is on food, but her videos are so relaxing and she just kind of embodies calm lol:) Her videos are like therapy but not lol. good luck!
Thank you Marie. I will check those out for sure. :)
Thanks, will do.
Hi, i agree with your friend. Be more vocal about your needs early on. I understand you think that it might sound acusing or selfish or needy to vocalize your needs but this is absolutely necessary in finding the right partner. If that person is unreceptive to your needs than he is not right for you. Find a loving and caring partner who CAN meet your needs. I think i also have an anxious attachment mixed with alittle bit of aviodance. I read in a book called "attached" that it might feel weird for someone with an anxious attachment style to be in a relationship with a secure person because your so used to being attracted to someone who is avoidant. People with an anxious attachment jump to conclusions quickly. The book said to have patience and not jump to conclusions. In other words, just because your partner isnt responding to your text doesnt mean he/she is going to abandon you, it means he/she could be busy with work or whatever. Ive heard that the BEST WAY for anxious attachment to transition into a secure attachment is to get into a relationship with a secure and loving person. Good luck :)
Having needs and expressing those needs isn't needy. Not having them met and not being able to express them makes you (and me) come from a place of fear and *makes* us needy. If you say directly, when you know the time is right, "hey, so look, here's the thing - when this or this happens, I'm going to try and tell you what I need from you - and if we get it wrong sometimes that's okay, but I really need to be paying attention to this kind of stuff because it's been getting in the way of the relationships I really want."
This is spot on!!! Thank u
Another WONDERFUL offering Alan. I needed to hear this so badly today. Bless you and then some : )
Thanks for watching, Samantha. I'm so glad that you came across this on a day that you truly needed to hear it. It's great to know that this one resonated with you.
Because this topic was important to you, I want to offer some of my other resources that you might be interested in.
1. The Four Attachment Distress Responses Course - in this course, we discuss in-depth the varying ways we respond to distress in relationships (poking, running, hiding, submitting). These developed due to attachment injuries and traumas, and understanding that aspect of ourselves can help us heal and move toward better relating. www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
2. The Improve Your Relationships Community - this is an online membership community I created in order to provide a space for people to come to learn, grow, explore, and heal their attachment wounds. All of the members are kind, encouraging, and supportive; we'd love to have you join in on the conversations. www.alanrobarge.com/community
Wow. Im mind blown. This is exactly what Ive been going through, and I must think that Alan went through the same thing in the past, otherwise its blowing my mind that someone can understand it so profoundly as him.
Im really trying to work on my insecure attachment style, you sir are helping me tremendously. Thank you thank you thank youuuu❤️
Eye-opening, thank you....
The secret is to drop all relationships that are angst ridden!! No point in having reationships if they cause sufferring! Life is too short!
Deborah Collard Is it wrong to have limits? For example, we make a plan and they disappear, only to answer "oh sorry I fell asleep" after several hours of me waiting. And then it repeats, we say we'll meet tomorrow, and they don't replay for 24 hours. The funny thing is, I'm emotionally guarded, they are very emotionally open in person. But they hate that I expect the minimal ammount of communication and responsibility. Is this personality disorder or just basic standards of respect?
you totally fine, they very unrespectful towards you, set your boundaries and move on, its painful, and loneliness can come and get through this can be hard, but it will help you to have better and more respectful relationships, friendships
I know but its difficult at the beginning of a new relationship..sometimes true selves are hidden until months later when they are shown .
If I am noticing that someone is always distant, then I don't want to be available for that. It is easier for me, with my challenges, to at least get to know someone who can "hit the ball back" on the simpler things.
I don't want to send a text about a podcast - something I didn't mention when we were together and after having sex - and they don't bother to answer or text or call at all for seven days. Not my thing. I got rid of him a LOT faster this time but should not have gone back at all. It seemed to just happen when I was being love bombed.
Wow, you described me, that's me..that's me....thank you for holding up a mirror and giving me some language.
Thx Alan for giving all this content to us free. Listening to you while packing my belongings to move back to my own country. It's been so hard to accept that we had to end our relationship. We still love and care about each other, but we just couldn't make it work. I have found tremendous help in your videos. This video helps me see why we couldn't make it work. How I was pushing him away without even knowing. He even told me I was doing this. But I just didn't understand how he could say such a thing when I was literally telling him I needed him to talk to me about all the problems and find a way. I was 100% sure that if we just could talk things through we could fix it. Cos I really wanted to. But I understand now that we are very differently emotional attuned. I just can't get what I need/want from him and the other way around. It helps alot to see our troubles from a different perspective. It gives me clarity and I feel a bit less confused of how our relationship ended like this, even when we loved each other so much. Thx for soothing words in a very difficult time.
Thanks for the supportive comment. I see you were very engaged with the content by what you wrote. I'm glad to hear this video was helpful. Thank you for seeing the value. Please consider becoming a Sustaining Supporter by making a donation to help guarantee continued quality content. Thanks again.
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Groundbreaking video! ❤️
you have a great skill of explaining the unexplainable. resonate, thank you
Very well put, I can really relate to this
I've been thinking about this a lot. I know that I have a fearful-anxious attachment style and also ocd which really affects how I at times interact with anyone I'm getting close to in that sense. It doesn't always start like that but it kicks in after a while.
I wonder what it would be like to be free, more secure, and just me. To build memories and have fun instead of being in my head all the time
Wow, this was incredibly insightful. I experienced this last week and now it makes so much more sense. Thank you!
Glad to hear this content is helpful for you. Thanks for your feedback and for valuing my work.
If you aren't already aware you may also like the course, The Four Attachment Distress Responses. Take the quiz to learn more www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz We can learn new relating skills through understanding attachment dynamics.
Alan what a huge eloquence you have and speaking without sugarcoating abilities, thanks for your videos, you just have one more subscriber🎉🎉🎉
I appreciate the kind words. Thank you for valuing my work and I'm glad it brings benefit.
If you like the videos you may also like the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. Take the quiz to learn more www.healingattachmenttrauma.com/iyr_quiz_2
This is a breakthrough for me. Thank you so much, Alan.
Glad this is of benefit. Thanks for valuing my work. You're welcome.
Thanks Alan, this subject is very specialized, but so very common in relationships, thanks, and I hope you come back to posting videos soon, Many thanks!
ALAN! I SAID THIS ONCE AND ILL SAY IT AGAIN!!!!!! you are amazing at what you do Alan seriously dude this is top notch content brother we have to sit down or something man
This makes so much sense. Thank you.
Wow this was great. Thank you.
You have exactly, precisely described me & my actions for the past months. Almost unbearable anxiety & conversations with self. I needed this video. Thank you
Great to hear this deeply resonates. I hear you about the anxiety. So relatable. Thanks for valuing my work. Glad it offers benefit.
To learn more about how this behavior can take over our power of choice, you may be interested in the course, The Four Attachment Distress Responses. Take the quiz to learn more: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
Oh wow you described me to a T!!! I’m the anxiously attached one and new guy is avoidant. This is so helpful! I thought I was just plain insecure. This explains so much. Thank you! 🙏🏻 Big love from Australia 🇦🇺🙋🏼♀️
thank you Alen, im learning more!! :)))
I've been watching lots of these videos and you so far the best at talking about it on a both technical and easy to follow.
I appreciate the kind words. Thank you for valuing my efforts to offer quality content. Glad it offers you benefit.
If this video is helpful then you may also like the course, The Four Attachment Distress Responses. It dives deeper into these dynamics. Take the quiz to learn more: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
This has been one is the best videos I’ve watched upon anxious attachment thank you 🙏
Thanks for the kind words. You're welcome.
Thank you for this!
This was so extremely helpful and healing, thank you so incredible much
Thank you for sharing this video is helpful for you and thank you for valuing my effort.
Since this video is helpful then you may also like taking the Relationship Quiz. www.healingattachmenttrauma.com/iyr_quiz_2
Omg this is so freaking true!!!! This is definitely me :/ it’s crazy and messed up and I get kinda y I’m like this cuz of my upbringing but now more than ever I’m focused on healing from this.
Good video to explain some of the things that I did wrong that I never considered. Knowing what I did wrong helps me know what not to do in the future.
Couple of years ago I was going through detaching from a narcissist abusive relationship and it was horribly painful for me, I would have panic attacks I just wanted out of my body . Awful
And I found your channel and I must tell you, you got me through a terrible time, your videos would help me settle down my mind, You genuinely seemed to care your voice was kind, I didn’t feel so alone . I have thought about you occasionally since then and smile and feel thankful ... I hadn’t been back on UA-cam I’ve healed and stay busy. It was nice to see your Chanel in my recommendations. I sincerely & truly want to give you my appreciation, Wishing you many blessings for your healing work. Your not like most of the other. Chanel’s your have a gift to those whom need this .
Love to you 💕
Isn't healing just becoming a colder person though. Self obsessed, having given up?
Beautiful.
Your videos are incredibly informative and have given me so, so much insight and clarity as to why I am the way that I am. Thank you so much. I hope you come back to UA-cam and make more
Wooooowwww sooo much clarity after this video
This was amazing!
In the last years I have not chosen most close relationships but all have been closeness that have been orchestrated by family involvement, I am a care taker for a family member so all my social relationships have not been handpicked. Due to this I have been many times in environments that do not support my emotional needs. I make attempts to connect insecurely but I have a huge distrust for individuals (after many attachment injuries). I just wish I could find people that make me feel secure and safe in which environments I do thrive. I do not know currently how to get out of the rut and make it happen after struggling with social anxiety for a few years now. I just want someone who understands me and accepts me and is not so confused by my need to feel secure in emotional attachment...
Naelogalaxy23 Torres I totally get you!
I understand it, the guy I date is the same way, but at the same time you have to be willing to let that person in eventually, and also try, and understand what it does to them, so the best thing to do is start off small by opening up a little at a time, because staying emotionally detached with someone who is emotionally healthy will run them away! Eventually it will run away every person they have a relationship with. It's wrong to persue a relationship with an emotionally healthy person if he/or she isn't emotionally healthy themselves.