@@HeartFeltGesture Yes they do especially the family goat and in their worship of the golden child they destroy their lives by giving too much of all manner of support and praise. Matter of fact and with 58 years of experience surrounded by these people I was so very fortunate to have been neglected. I resented the fact that I was not of value to them and nothing at all came easy but it was the blessing not the curse to be the scapegoat. My older brother is most likely homeless even though Mother left him her home that was free and clear when she passed. I haven't spoke to him in several years I hope he is ok but I can't help him. If he was hungry and we took him food, when it was gone he would be looking at us like a hungry chick does a Jenny Wren with a worm.
Yep, I went through it. I had anorexia and my parents didn't care I was wasting away. I believe no one is worse or not bad, We all have a kind of trauma. ❤
I now understand how as an adult I can look back on my childhood and say it wasn’t that bad but if I look through the eyes of me as a child I do remember my dad, even though he was always physically present he was emotionally distant and detached. I wanted to seek his approval and validation. I can see how those early interactions have shaped my need for male attention and the feelings that arise when I either get that attention or I don’t. Thank you! 🙏🏻
Oh man! I have a similar issue except i have a narcissistic father and the way he manipulated me and it made me a passive adult...working through it tho.. i need to become who i am and not his opinions of me
Your comment made me realise what's going on with me ... I had no idea and struggled so much without understanding what was on front of my eyes.. now everything makes sense..thank you so much ..
Yes! I didn't know I suffered abuse. I thought my childhood was normal, but after doing tons of research about dysfunctional families. My family fit the criteria 110%. The reason my siblings and I have NEVER had a successful romantic relationship. It sucks, but at least I know the answer to heal- work on my inner child wound.
I am dealing with a lot of healing from my childhood a lot of emotional abuse codependency and emeshed with my mom. I am figuring out my triggers not easy. people talking intense yelling etc. creates anger and anxiety. Being told what to do by others. it's hard
yeah same, i didnt know i had such a trumatizing childhood, thought my childhood was good but i had a blocked sacral chakra and solar plexus already when i was like 6yr old, i had a lot of stomach pain as a kid and low self esteem at such a young age, but the pains stopped and now they are coming back. finally i know how to heal my inner child
I've never heard of this term before. This could explain a lot about tendencies. I was physically abused throughout my childhood, and also put on Ritalin for being unable to concentrate in class. It takes me longer to grasp information and I drift off into my thoughts unwillingly
same. i’ve always made up a perfect family in my head to escape the ones i have. i thought i’d outgrow it but it just became a habit of mine, i resort to it whenever i feel like i’m being abandoned and there’s no way for me to make those people stop from leaving. at least, they’re safe inside my head and they won’t leave me.
Same!! Mine are mostly focused on relationships and it’s been super difficult to let myself let go of someone when my mind is creating a perfectly crafted image of them that doesn’t exist
@@oxforddictonary People who are blind or have limited vision and use screen readers might find Kaycie's comment really helpful considering they wouldn't be able to see what's written on the whiteboard.
Insta is piecemeal. This platform offers a much better potential for the author to expound and create successful analogy. Cptsd is not an easy thing to heal. It’s an arduous journey, but worthwhile “as a description” doesn’t quite Seem to do the potential outcome justice.
I would get so angry at my parents when they shout at me or complain about small things and I really hate being told what to do or if people look down on me. I hate it when other people don’t listen to me and take my orders I just hate it if I have to respect some one and just to listen to them saying something that would be a benefit to my self. I don’t know but I feel horrible right now after expressing my self I just feel so different
I was feeling so angry today when I was benched at my softball game. It brought me back to times in childhood where I felt not good enough. I went for a walk and felt a lot better afterwards. Releasing that energy was powerful. Thank you for talking about this so clearly. I am excited to continue doing this work!
It was a terrible childhood, so lonely, so powerless, so scared, so full of dread. I never got to enjoy carefree play now 57 that dark cloud with lightning in it that seemed to strike without warning. Thank you for helping people love the child, give him/her love, and hugs and acceptance along with making sure it has value since understanding what was happening didn't come until away from those people who didn't want him/her.
Same here. But although I overstand this useful concept, I still think it's effed up that my parents didn't show up for me. Now I'm left with the burden of parenting myself (in which seems totally ridiculous in my mind) because I have no choice thanks to them.
@@SiyahMordecai You're a survivor and you can do anything. We have on average of 80 to 90 thousand thoughts a day and everything in your reality begins with a thought. I program myself in my sleep with positive affirmations along with gratitude affirmations. You hold the power to change your mind. Peace
I literally feel suffocated when I deal with my boss at work or anyone who holds authority! And that has nothing to do with them; it is about what they represent! I am struggling all the time because I cannot be normal around them. I become defensive, argumentative, harsh and sometimes disrespectful. Although that l inside feel terrified and off guard. Keep in mind they are nice bosses and they respect me but I cannot cope with them having authority. So I believe I have issues with people who have authority over me.
@@puma5471 Me too. With my colleage teachers, bosses, even with older people. I'm not and can't be comfortable around. I don't know how to deal with it other than knowing for me; it comes from not being seen as a child and constantly felt being oppressed. But I don't know how to change it.
loomeytumes it comes from the same place, for me, as well. It’s not easy. Maybe we have to try not to see these authority figures as wanting to oppress but sometimes they do. My struggle is mainly with male authority... there are people who use their power with a hint of “my way/ no way”
@@looneytunes2222 I had the same issue I helped myself through this by teaching myself, that I am my own Authority, I am using my Authority of myself to be at Work in this place, that I as my own Authority of myself Choose to work here with these good people, & In my Own Authority I can also choose Not to work here with these people, Using my Authority it's suits me to work here at this moment & using my Authority of self when it doesn't suit me to work here with these people, using my Own Authority I will then choose to leave, It really worked for me As it switched WHO was in Authority here from them to ME , changed the perspective within me of who was really in Authority ME Always ME , that empowerment of knowing I Am the only one with Authority over me was Life changing Hope this helps xxx Said with much Love Kindness and Respect to all 😊⭐💖
I have the same issue. Sometimes I wonder if it stems from BPD. My bosses are not all great and nice tho but even if the good ones need to talk to me about something I either feel angry and lash out or start to cry. I hate it.
My inner child never had a voice because no one liked him. He was always the weird one out whom no one ever wanted to listen to and even ridiculed. I was a bullied kid because of that. Eventually I had to create an inner demon to protect the inner child. They're best friends right now
Going off of your dishes example, how do you know when to take on responsibility to meet your inner needs and when to tell your partner they need to clean up after themselves? I feel it wouldn’t be fair to myself to always take on someone elses responsibilities just to “meet my own needs”. Idk if that makes sense. But if you’re constantly taking on responsibilities that may not be yours just to comfort yourself, I feel like the partner would just become accustomed to not doing them because they know you’ll “pick up the slack” to meet your inner needs.
Is there an answer about ur comment? It make totally sense for me, how do I know the difference? Between what I need to do to work my inner child and the partner/parent... take responsibilities on his own?
Yeah. I hung that towel up a long time ago 🤣 for the longest time my mothers ways about chores used to upset me, I am a second born, my brother is the oldest and I have younger sisters. My mother always expected me to do the dishes and clean the house! She wouldn’t ask my brother or my younger sisters. I used to complain because my dad and brother where the type of people that didn’t know how to use one cup once, they were the main people that piled in dishes and didn’t clean them. So, one day I boxed up all the dishes, hid em’ left one of each for each family member because I was tired of “picking up” behind someone else. My mother was angry she went off on me etc. I left my parents home at 22, lived by myself for over 10 years. Living by myself I realized I was a neat freak (or probably undiagnosed OCD) LOL my remotes had to be certain way, no dishes were ever in the sink, I was obsessed with my house looking like a model home 😀plus a whole lot other wired clean quirks etc. Then I got married! Welp! My husband took me back to that little girl a couple of times earlier on in our marriage. My husband has probably done the dishes 5 times in the 7 years we’ve been together. So, earlier on I found myself fussing, yelling, screaming at him about the dishes to the point where this one time I grabbed a set of our wedding gift plates that had piled up in the sink and threw them away! Ugh! I had gone far in anger over these blasted dishes which hadn’t been me in a very long time, it felt weird, my husband was uncomfortable and kinda scared 🤣🤣 he always talks about the day I went rouge! After that day, I had to think of changing my trajectory. I realized my husband was triggering my childhood emotions of how I felt about my dad and brother because his a male too, I realized I was being triggered from the way my mother always wanted me to do dishes and clean. However, I had to figure out how to psychologically remove my husband from that group. I realized that I’d spent all our earlier days yelling, begging and crying for him to do the dishes, after all, how hard is it to just rinse off your plate with a little soap? Right? Well, wrong! Apparently that was not his thing. So, I started to always shop for paper plates and paper cups, he too knows to use those at least 🤣 which lessened the dishes In the sink. When there is a dish or two, I do it. I stopped talking about it. I no longer get upset because this is who he is going to be, my issues where my inner child and my mothers narcissistic ways of parenting. That’s what I resented. Once I got over that realization, I stopped treating my husband like he was my dad or brother. I disallowed a dish or two to take me out of character simply because it was a trigger 🤷🏽♀️ I have peace of mind.
I would be very very curious to see an answer from the author of the video, this same thought flashed through my mind as soon as she mentioned this example, how would this fit with setting your own boundaries?
I think the path in this case is to first heal your inner child, aliviate the need of feeling considered, and then you can start to work on your boundries and communicatión with your partner. The key here is patience and prioritize your healing process. Unless it is very detrimental to your life... The dishes can wait.
lots arises in me as I watch this video. mainly this: I'm falling, again, for another unavailable person... because the illusion and fantasy and escape of this person, is all I've got... so I let myself fall. let myself get attached. because I'm old now, and the deepest shame and agony of my life, is that I've never-ever been in an intimate-romantic relationship... and the reality of this anguishes me, consumes me. fills me with: grief, shame, rage, longing, loneliness, despair, wanting, needing, desperation... so I cling, achingly, to anyone that shows me: any attention...
I am a newlywed (6 months) and my marriage and relationship is heavily challenging the safe space my inner child has created for so long. This example of the dishes is one that I am currently dealing with. Housework in general is a trigger for me, for various reasons that I am able to identify. But as you shared, I can change my response and check my ego and make the activity more pleasurable instead of more burdensome. Your content is literally saving my life and giving me the tools I've known about but never knew how to utilize.
I was able to integrate unresolved early trauma during a once a week, three hour small group facilitated by a skilled clinician using an eclectic perspective informed cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) modality lasting six months. Rarely triggered now💪🙏💙
I have been identifying my patterns of late. I am a people pleaser and people chaser and usually feel like I am in one-sided relationships/friendships. No wonder I always feel like folks aren't "considering" me the way I consider them because after all, I am the one who can't say no or lack healthy boundaries. And maybe I do this because my biggest trigger might be fear of abandonment or being ignored.
Nicole, how would I go about #3 if my triggers are being unseen/unheard/demissed/disrespected? Growing up my mother and older sister always left me feeling these ways by never listening to my thoughts/opinions and would speak over me and change the subject whenever I was speaking. I am now realizing these traumas and that they show up in my current relationships. I put my needs last, don't set boundaries for myself, am always the first to give in to conflict situations, don't feel I have the right to feeling the way I feel sometimes, am always focused on other peoples feelings and showing up for them, etc. ... in moments where I recognize these triggers, how would I fulfill the needs of my inner child feeling unseen/unheard/dismissed/disrepected? What actions could I take for example?
HOW THE FUCK COULD HE DO THIS TO ME? THE PAIN IS UNBEARABLE. AND I AM DROWNING IN IT. I am drowning in 999-trillion layers of grief and despair. I cannot breathe. I do not breathe. I cannot, do not: come up for air. I'm in hell: with no escape. I am raped: deep inside my soul. Tortured and raped: on a soul level. He raped me. He raped my soul. His name is Bryan. I thought he was my best friend. And he raped my soul. I am submerged in darkness. I AM HAUNTED. I am taunted. I AM TERRIFIED. All I see is him, and my replacement, together: all over social media. I AM ALL ALONE IN THIS BIG SCARY WORLD. MY SOUL IS RAPED. I AM FILLED WITH PANIC AND TERROR. I AM DESPERATELY ALONE. I AM FLOODED WITH PANIC ATTACKS. He - the man I called my best friend - gave me PTSD. Severe PTSD. He left me in February. Discarded me like garbage. The grief is unbearable. UN-FUCKING-BEARABLE. He left me. Replaced me. My "best friend". The only friend I had. The ultimate betrayal. How the actual fuck could he do this to me? We went from speaking every single day about every damn thing, and now we're strangers! HOW THE ACTUAL FUCK COULD HE REALLY DO THIS TO ME? JUST REPLACE ME WITH ANOTHER... I AM TORMENTED AND TORTURED AND HAUNTED. AND SO FUCKING DESPERATELY ALL ALONE. The pain and the panic and the terror are truly unbearable. However, I have learned this: 1. The woman who has the power to walk away, gives her soul, the space to heal... 2. She allows the man (and herself) to have/gain clarity regarding her value... 3. She is able to ponder the error/s of her ways (as well as the error/s of his...) 4. She learns her own strength and power and femininity and divinity and magic... 5. She re-calibrates her soul, and moves back to the Creator's default... 6. She gives God the necessary space to bless her... REMINDER TO SELF: The universe, God, your guides, your angels, your ancestors, are all pushing you, lovingly, in the right direction: into your own magnificent powerful magical freedom! A growth mindset involves: 1. seeing challenges as opportunities 2. a willingness to (un)learn and heal 3. persistence and faith 4. optimism and gratitude and hope 5. embracing change and adapting... Dear, inner child 1. I give you permission to heal 2. I give you permission to forgive yourself and others 3. I honor our journey together 4. I love you 5. Thank you
I am 52 years old and yes the S#@t I went through was traumatic. I had a step-monster sexually, verbally, physically and emotionally abuse me from the very first encounter with him. He injured my neck, he beat me repeatedly with a leather belt, he snuck into my room after mom went to work. That is some of my inner child trauma.
Hi! Sounds like we had the same type of step-monster; I'm so sorry! Your sweet, scared, angry little child needs so much consideration, attention, love and admiration for living through all that sh*t!! You can give them what they never got; I'm working on that now. 54 years old, just barely learning how to communicate with her, but she's certainly sharing painful feelings with me. I do a journal saying Dear Little Me and she starts with Dear Adult Me. I use the same hand for both, using non- dominant one was a pain in the butt, frustrating, and took too much time away from communicating/sharing. I am sending your inner child safe hugs and hopefully deep feelings of being safe. ❤ A
I had listened to this binaural beats last night and it took me back to a time where I had fun as a kid and acted like a silly anima, but I also realized where my trauma started and what caused it. My mom kept me away from so many people, made me feel ashamed and fearful, my brothers.. well, they also traumatized me with the rude things theysaid to me which brought my self confidence down, my physical sexual trauma which started when I was 5 and continued until I was 14, but I continue to degrade my body to other men. My final thing was feeling alone and ashamed for not pleasing others. I hope this video helps me.
Have you looked into the program, Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional families? You can go to the ACA website and find online Zoom meetings and also the ACA books.
Love how you always provide personal examples to provide context to your theories. Helps so much when talking about more abstract concepts. And yes it’s always more than dishes... or squeezing toothpaste in the middle of the tube.. or leaving clothes on the floor. But in the moment, when triggered, that’s all the other person will consider, that you lost your shit over a couple of dishes. 🤦🏻♀️ Love how this simple exercise in mindfulness turned into an act of self care.
I saw this video about 5 chairs and 5 reactions/responses. The last being most calm and generous. We assume the dishes not being done is to slight or hurt us. We make up stories about how others are out to get us. Maybe the dishes had nothing to do with you today... Being less triggered. We can then ask the person to engage in a convo about their day, the house chores, their needs, your needs. And then ask for some help. Or maybe not... Maybe you realize today you want to do the dishes cuz your fam had a hard day. Great example! Everyone can be better at being less reactive and open to dialogue.
I welcome the loneliness, I don't have to entertain other people's insecurities. It feels good to feel the silence inside. It helps me to recognize who feels like an empty hole, of other people's codependencies and unhealed traumas. Being able to sit with my own, underlying feelings for why reacted to certain and recognizing what triggered me and then re-training my triggers. Solitude, is beautiful when you need an inner child breaks. I needed to heal a lot, inside myself that needed my consistent attention. Shadow work, is inner child healing. An inside job.
My inner child is so destroyed from my mother's abuse and betrayel of me I feel imibilized in fear by the wound betrayel of what her abuse caused in my life how do I heal this can't visit her either triggers get immobilised by frightening reality of what she did
I had a pretty chaotic childhood, not gonna go into details. But I ended up joining the military, and became a workaholic, and my inner child was free to act out because in the military were all kind of mean to eachother but friends at the end of the day, so it kind of worked out. I became actually happy, and felt accepted. But it was a bandaid. What I thought was happiness was actually a distraction from my inner child pain. And i remember that pain always being there, just not on the surface. And now that I'm out of the military, i moved back home, worked a very slow paced job, and i slowly felt my happiness slip away, it was like a switch, and i felt it happen, a dark wave of negativity crashed onto me, and i tried to stop it but i wasn't strong enough. And i became exactly who I was before the military. All that pain popped up all at once. And caused me to be stagnant in life. So now I'm living home i quit my job and stuck in a rut and I think I need to work with my inner child to move on. I want to move out so bad and i can but for whatever reason I'm not letting myself. Ive been here for 3 years, definitely wasn't the plan but once that wave crashed on me I became stuck. Im just in such anxiety everyday, i ruminate constantly, I feel like I've lost my mind. Why did this have to happen to me? Fukin bullshit
Hi Videoman... I also had a pretty chaotic childhood. Also not going to go into details here, but I found a real, honest, good space to start figuring my stuff out with ACA. Check out the Laundry List. Google it. And if any of it resonates, find a meeting near you. Everyone there knows, tho the details are different, how you feel. Lots of luck to you, my friend. ❤❤❤
Someone else mentioned this, where is the line though? I agree that a trigger such as undone house chores is, in the scheme of life, pretty small and you should most times learn to self sooth. However when I am, which is rarely, incredibly overwhelmed by sadness, my partner does not offer to be with me in that space but usually makes it worse by dismissing my feelings and becoming angry and ‘over it’. I am triggered by the dismissal of my feelings, it’s an excruciatingly painful feeling as if I was actually being stabbed in my heart or stomach. I try and think, I should self sooth, but is that it then? I never get compassion or soothing from my partner ever and I should just deal with that? To me, dismissing my feelings or emotions in such a heightened state is breaking my boundaries. So it’s either a put up with it or leave him, and I don’t think either is correct.
I struggle with this, too, a lot. You're not alone. I feel horrible and am brought to tears (though I often stop them) when my feelings are hurt and my partner is dismissive or says something that stings me in the moment. I know that I need to work on loving my self, but I am left wondering about my partner's behavior and the way he reacts to me when I am upset. I suppose he has a lot of self-love issues, too. I know I don't have any control over whether or not he ever accepts that and goes on the journey for himself, too. I fear I'll be doing this all on my own. Today, I am feeling pretty good, so I tell myself it will all be alright. He'll come around. Other times, when I am not feeling well, I feel so saddened by it all. That's my question, I suppose -- if one partner does the work and starts to feel improvements within themselves, yet the other person stay stagnant, what then? I wouldn't want anyone to give up on me. Then again, I can't imagined a person on the road to healing would put up with those don't lift them up consistently. I'm sorry for rambling. If you relate or understand what I was writing, I'd really like to know. Thanks. :)
Hi ladies, perhaps first the acknowledgment and trust of yourself to yourself is key. Our partners can show us flags at times but once we feel more balanced we can discuss gently how we feel and how a certain behaviour was not acceptable. A genuine partnership will consider the other and take responsibility with a mindful understanding to how we can change in order to grow. “I” statements are better here rather than “you” as they can be accusatory. However, I would advise looking at boundary work and then consider looking at human rights. This will help with some of the confusion that a bad response can bring to us in any relationship and help us acknowledge what we are willing to have in our lives. These are the things we should have learnt before having relationships but unfortunately get overlooked and dismissed in education and care givers. Hope that’s helpful.
You said you discovered the trigger was that you weren’t being considered. So instead of addressing the person that you feel was not considering you, you decided to do the dishes to consider yourself and then do something you enjoyed...I understand this but how do you address the issue that you would like the dishes done to whoever did not take care of their dishes? How will this not turn into abuse and conditioning the other person to believe that they don’t need to do the dishes cause you’ll take care of them?
Hi! Great question. Here, I am teaching how to work through a trigger in the moment. I decided to do the dishes and then tend to my inner child (by reading.) This is an act of self care. We learn to become conscious, rather than habitually reacting and dumping our emotions onto others. When I am calm and centered, I can then have a conversation with my partner about doing the dishes. We cannot 'condition' the behavior of other people. We can only respond to their behavior. As far as abuse, that isn't what I'm speaking to in this video. With abuse, boundaries are necessary.
The Holistic Psychologist i see, i should mention that this has triggered me, the fact that i will do someome else's dishes and they get to walk around free, and that you did not mention has really triggered because i'd feel that they won! I could start working on that, thank you 😁🙏🏽
For the dishes example, I am feeling a bit sceptical. I understand it but it isn't matching my reality. I suspect I could be missing something though. Could anyone help me out? It isn't the dishes per say but the state of the house. I need it clean and clutter free as it is a sensory overload trigger (autism). I would do it myself (even though it wasn't my mess just so I was giving myself the need). My partner will repeatedly mess it back up again. I feel upset and unloved because of it (I've told them this and explained in details why and how I need things, allowing them the chance to compromise which they do not - they agree to keep it clean). They still do it (leaves a mess hours after I've spent all day cleaning). How do I address healing that? I am confused over what the issue even is anymore. The reason for the clean is a "medical" and I have always worked hard to keep my sensory triggers reduced but I am still repeatably feeling strong reactions to the event (from both sensory and emotion).
I think the thing with the dishes is just us having strict ish parents that want the dishes done. And then that voice just stays in our heads. Granted I don't think it's one that's completely wrong but you just can't be mean to your partner in the same way... And it's hard because you know as a kid you weren't allowed to do the thing that they're doing.
Super helpful thank you. Can I ask for your advice on how to be considered (#3) when the trigger is that I’m not spoken to too often in social settings? Like when I’m around a group, people won’t really talk with me as much as others. And that’ll be a trigger
@@TheHolisticPsychologist I've randomly been law of attracted to inner child healing and you appeared.. funny that.. looking forward to the meditation :)
I relate to the dirty dishes scenario but what I don’t understand is why is doing the dishes what made your inner child feel considered? Shouldn’t this have been a conversation with your partner about respecting your wishes to maintain a clean kitchen? I feel that if we just did the dishes that we set no boundary for our expectations. Is this wrong?
What if the person you are living with is constantly leaving the dishes unwashed? I found myself always doing the dishes and cleaning, because I hate it when the house is a mess. I can’t really focus with a lot of chaos around me, it gives me a feeling that I am not seen and that there isn’t enough space for me. Is it wrong to ask for more consideration for this? It doesn’t feel okay to always take control of the situation by doing the dishes myself. Isn’t it also taking control when I walk away from the mess and ask my partner to clean it? I am struggling to find a balance in this because it really feels unsatisfying when I walk away but I also don’t want to be the housekeeper.
"Undone house chores" and dirty dishes in the sink trigger me, too. My mind the same: "They don't care about what i want." "They disrespect me." "They don't care to have nice stuff" is a biggie with me.
How do we know what needs are if we were never like given needs? Like say a child was emotionally and physically neglected for their entire childhood after a divorce in early childhood? How do we figure out what a human needs? Are we just supposed to go off examples of healthy dynamics between parents and children? How do we discern what's healthy and what's unhealthy? What if our inner child is just completely silent when we ask this? I appreciate all insights. Please don't suggest therapy because it's not an affordable option right now. I would like some general insight and advice on this. Maybe some links to references. Thank you. Lots of love and healing to you all.
OMG I relate to this topic 💯🤪 I feel like I'm always in a state of overreacting emotionallyI just recently found your channel do you have any suggestions? Thank you for your time and your energy namaste 🕉️❤️
So glad you used the dishes example. My partner leaving dirty plates in the sink sends me to a very dark and angry place. I'm now starting to succeed in giving these thoughts and feelings space. Thanks for your videos, I'm finding them so helpful.
I finally realized that I have an inner child at 63 years of age. I see the trauma that occurred to me at 6 years old and how that trauma shapes me the way I am in every aspect of my life.
Thank you. I asked my innerchild what it needs to be considered and I haven't gotten response but I told him no rush. Take his time and I'm always right here when he's ready.
Okay same girl in the dishes same I hate doing them but from years of working and food service and having a dad that wouldn't let me go to bed till the kitchen was clean, same. I can have a dirty rest of the house but my kitchen has to be clean.
Thank you for sharing this! I'm 57 years old and I recently began connecting with my inner child for healing. For years I dealt with the trigger of fear in the area of money. Whenever my finances were low or when I perceived that I couldn't pay an unexpected bill, I would instantly feel an overwhelming emotion of dread in the pit of my stomach and a tightness in my chest. I now realize that these were triggers used by my inner child to help bring healing to myself in this area.
What if blurred boundaries is a trigger? I feel like my childhood consisted of doing what my family wanted me to do and not what I wanted to do. I feel v triggered when I’m coerced by my close friends to do things I’m not 100% down for.
It's been a year now since your comment and I hope you've found what I found in the meantime. This is the most empowering two letter word. I feel good when my friend is trying to coerce me into something I am not interested in doing. No is the response that we needed all along. Once like you and finding it difficult to do things that take my time and leave me angry at myself later for caving in to things just to please others and displeased myself by doing so that two letter word has changed my life in a good way. I no longer cave in to doing things that waste my time and leave me feeling less than for doing so. Shocked at first my friend's have accepted the fact that I too have things that I place more importance on as being productive while others stare at a screen and silently sit for an entire movie etc. I now say no oftentimes and go home to my own idea of fun. I'd much rather be listening to an audiobook while working on a project that's needing to be done at home. If I think about it there is some distance between me and them but we're still friends. I have decided that my friend could come to my house and hang out too. The only thing is that I don't call and ask them to come to my home anymore and perhaps they're a little too narcissistic too. Perhaps, perhaps not but I'm fine with being alone and enjoy the silence. At least I can hear without a loud tv playing some movie in which I spot symbolism in just about every scene. I'm in control of my thoughts and am not interested in controlling the thoughts of others or their happiness either. Tell them no and when the whining comes I'm out of there. I no longer need to feel like I wasted my time and my own happiness is found alone with my dog.
Well said and so very true 🙏🏽 doing the work and feeling grateful for your teaching and sharing these tools and abilities with us all.... I am so happy to finally not feel broken or ill mentally and have the awareness of this responses being reactions from my inner child at many different stages of life responding to triggers! It's all making much more sense day by day and I feel less alone and much more validated and for that I'm extremely grateful and wish you the best life can offer for all you share 🙏🏽
Yes honestly it will help you grow to be a better person and have healthy relationship and will also help with self love i don't think age matters if you feel like you need to do this then do it because it all will be for a better you and to finally be happy to feel happy sometimes That's what is holding us back from being happy so yes its ok do it for u 💖❤
How do you balance to know when it is a trigger and a red flag, or if it is unmet boundaries that should be met. Like, if it is you not being treated right and you should tell, or if it is you who needs to work on this thing?
Yeah it's kinda confusing the first time you realize you need to help yourself and do things for yourself that kinda feels like Parenting but it's nice once you get the hang of it.
I had to go back to basics of looking at human rights and then write out my boundaries and....... long story but journaling and writing down flags. Once I introduced and stuck with my boundaries my husband changed dramatically and I found I was in a really dangerous position. Abusive people don’t like boundaries and unfortunately they get worse. My husband became really threatening.
To be ohnest I’m really scared to face the world I feel like I’m not good enough. In everything I do I seem to fail. I’m 27 years old and don’t own anything of my own I still live with my parents and they help me with everything I’m scared to take huge projects on my own I have big dreams but I don’t even know where to start I have been scared to even get education. I just started now going to school studying hospitality. But I always feel like something is missing in my life. Can any one help me on what to do because I’m really struggling and I’m drained I have two boys that I love so much and they waiting on me to act and provide them with a better life. I’ve had two failed relationships because my partners felt like I was too relaxed not wanting to do anything. Plz help any advise on wat to do
I placed my inner child into a deep stone well inside of me to protect her from my angry father and then, my Rageaholic covert narcissist ex husband. I was trying to protect her but what I'm realizing now is that I put her in a prison of sorts. She did not get physically abused but she had to sit in that well for 14 years listening to yelling, doors being slammed, walls and other things being punched, things being thrown and broken. Rage. Pretty much every day. As I sat there for all those years silent, NOT yelling back, NOT fighting, NOT leaving....I trapped her inside my body as she screamed and screamed as my outside self sat there or laid there doing NOTHING to protect her! I lied to myself over and over, minimizing what was going on, self soothing my terror and depression with sayings of "Its going to be ok." "Just don't say anything." "Ignore him, he'll eventually calm down." 😞 I am ANGRY with myself for taking it and for thinking this ass holes rage and anger *is more important than my safety!* I finally got the courage to leave. I finally realized I was not OK and deserved better. I finally began to love myself enough to realize my worth and LEAVE. It's been almost 2 years and I'm dealing with CPTSD triggered by noise, especially as I'm sleeping. I start having a panic attack in my sleep which wakes me up in shear dread and terror. And then I start to mentally self soothe but it's the SAME OLD MINIMIZING LIES I spoke in my mind and out came the anger. I'm in a safe place now so telling myself I'm safe and OK now is correct, but my inner child is triggered. She needs to be validated. She needs me to apologize to her for not caring about her before, in that hell. I need to let myself be angry. I need to scream and cry and let it *out!* I'm also drawing and painting a lot of what it felt like for her all that time which is very healing. Very validating. ❤️🙏🏻Thank you so much for this video!
Starling Swallow I did the same thing, I have found Richard Grannon really helpful for the trauma you’re describing and I also still suffer. Also reaching out to my local women’s centres and finding other understanding people is great for self esteem and building new healthy relationships and most recently and in the process of using compassion for that cruel inner voice. Exhausting 🤗
Your work is so amazing! This video reminded me of these words: ''The more we accept our humanness and our feelings for what they actually are, rather than what we wish they were, the more we digest them and grow as a human being'' - Andrew Kenneth Fretwell (Emotional Alchemy The Love And Freedom Hidden within Painful Feelings)
I really appreciated this video, and i liked the example. I hadn't thought about what it might mean to do for myself what i wanted/needed others to do for me emotionally, to take care of my own inner child rather than just being hurt others weren't reading my mind. How can they see what i need if i can't?
The dishes one got me too 🤣🤣🤣 I broke a whole set of dishes!! Ugh! I found my tribe! However, like you I’ve since just learned to do em’ without fussing!
Is it possible to be doing meditation and journaling, thinking you are getting better and miss this whole inner child thing and can’t move forward because of it?? When I heard you talking about this I wondered deep into my guts. Because I got triggered hugely by my coach on Saturday although not angry, but very sad. And my daughter triggered me when she acted like she was going to teach me a lesson, albeit in a “I’m smarter than you “ attitude. It took me 24 hours to get over all that, and most of it meditating and journaling. There is still resistance, but I have got to get some work done! This upheaval in my life has been so distressing as I keep thinking I am getting better,happier,more self worthy, but I can’t or haven’t moved beyond my scarcity circumstances. Good grief,now what?
My wounded child has been triggered so many times. I have made a lot of wrong meanings to many situation long time ago. Now I am having more awareness. Please make more videos. I want to know more.
But if it was agreed that your partner would do the dishes and he/she didn't, it would be ok to talk about those unmet expectations, right? Of course, without freaking out...
I know 2 adults that struggle with this. They had a permissive young parent who had no authority over them. They never learned to respect authority figures.
Hi! Great question. This example is for you. So that you can remain in a peaceful state and understand the emotions underneath triggers. If your partner is continuing to do things that you feel considerate, it's important to have a conversation to address it.
The Holistic Psychologist Hi! I know this is an old response but I was wondering the same and love your answer but have a question. a is this where boundaries come in? And then seeing how he/she acts over time ...And then deciding if you want to maintain the relationship/marriage. (Not just bc if dishes of course lol but over a compilation of things)
Again, Wow! Thank you for helping me see what work I need to do to help myself heal and be the wonderful person I was meant to be here on earth. So much appreciated. Thank you!
Its been suggested to me that I do "inner child" work. However, no therapist I've seen has brought it up & frankly, it sounded hokey to me. I had imagined this work to look like talking to your younger self like they were an imaginary friend. However, these videos have been very relatable and have been a useful introduction. It was helpful to hear that the "inner child" is a part of the mind where our past emotional experiences have been stored. Thank you for putting this information out there so generously.
Hi Michelle! I also was in therapy for YEARS and though there was improvement, I found a lot of help from the ACA approach. Google them up and if the Laundry List resonates at all...you've found a home with a lot of folks working on it as well! ❤❤❤
I'm currently journaling through "Healing the Child Within" book. Also extremely helpful. I had no idea how powerful validation is. It's imperative in every relationship, especially the one with ourselves/inner child.
This is one of your most helpful videos to me that I've seen thus far. I would observe what triggers me but was never really sure how to heal it. I tried this and I think my inner child needs to feel happy, and joyful, and beautiful. My inner child tends to feel like there is no happiness and love for me. It's a tricky thing. In those moments...I still am not sure how to give it to myself. I know the narrative starts by comparing myself to really beautiful, abundant girls I see online. And that's how i figured out thats what I feel I need...in observing that narrative. But I still don't know how I can ever give myself what they have. I remembered myself in one photo as a kid. Dressed up as a somewhat glamorous witch on halloween. But when I saw the picture, I hated my double chin.
I'm starting with the future self journal and I believe that will be key to also the discovery of the inner child and my triggers. I'm already familiar with most of my triggers but need to discover where it stems from.
Being on the other end of the stick... getting yelled at, screamed at, called a piece of sh*t, inconsiderate, selfish bi**ch... over a couple of missing silverwares which were purchased more than a decade ago, for example, amongst many other triggers... IS VERY TRAUMATIZING!!!
Instead of "don't get frustrated"....accept the feeling of frustration as part of making the change! It's okay to get frustrated. It's a signal that you are doing the hard work of changing something you don't like or want in your life.
The transmigration of the soul is an important concept to understand. We are spiritual beings having a short human journey. All these experiences here in this world will come to an end. When we understand that we are eternal spiritual beings, then it is of great benefit that we consider what is in my best spiritual interest. Can I live now in a way that is in harmony with my eternal essence, position and function? How to move on from childhood trauma that keeps a person living in the past and afraid of the future? PRACTICE MINDFULNESS. In general populations and trauma-exposed adults, mindfulness interventions have demonstrated reduced depression and anxiety, reduced trauma-related symptoms, enhanced coping and mood, and improved quality of life. Studies in children and youth also demonstrate that mindfulness interventions improve mental, behavioral, and physical outcomes. Taken together, this research suggests that high-quality, structured mindfulness instruction may mitigate the negative effects of stress and trauma related to adverse childhood exposures, improving short- and long-term outcomes, and potentially reducing poor health outcomes in adulthood.
I act like a maniac at work . So embarrassing. I'm in a highly stressful extremely toxic environment and lately I'm convinced I'm having a real live nervous breakdown. I feel I've lost myself . Oh and btw because I've isolated myself most of my life I have no support group of friends and family is basically nonexistent. I thought I could handle this myself. It has gotten progressively worse in my 50's and the choice for many many many years has felt like I'm doing my time just waiting to die supporting a shell. This is no exaggeration. God how I wish it was. Thanks for listening.
More I listen more it makes sense to me, not everything as it so much to take in but I know that my childhood is a reason why I always get so defensive on most things that my partner says as I take my past emotions and represent them even in situations where they don’t fit. It’s like red flag that just clouds my vision and my stomach creates waves that burst out in tears and depression for days.
Mam plz be careful whn u make video or upload video on ur you tube channel plz give subtitle under video becoz i font understand ur spoken word so why is the use of ur video when i m not able to understand becoz i really like ur video lesson n want to know more things from ur video lesson bt the prblm is I don't clearly understand ur spoken English word in video 🤔🤔😭so it's a req plz mam give subtitle so that it will hlp to know n learn new things from ur video . This is my last time humble req. otherwise I will not able to watch ur videos becoz of u not giving subtitle of the video 🙏🙏
Totally 💯 get that feeling of self shame after I flip out verbally (or God forbid - physically.. like throwing an object that’s valuable to me out the door or in the trash or whatever. ✅
Yes, but here is something to consider. If we are taking steps to heal our inner child we have to first make an effort to look for the wound- not to just simply acknowledge the inner child is hurt. Why is this child hurting? Because it has a wound. Who caused the wound or how it happened? That's going even deeper. If we only acknowledge that the child is hurt we are only showing empathy and compassion towards the inner child, which is good but does not go to the root of the problem.
To confirm that I understand this example (because I experience something similar with my housemates, though I am more of a silent stewer and not a yeller), did you wash your partner’s dishes? One of my other housemates does that for the other two, but I won’t because it appears to enable the behavior to continue.
My trigger is my husband leaving the house for going out with friends or doing something alone... I realized this year that my reaction Was way too big, I was feeling left alone like I was as a child, when my parents didn't have the time for me. It took me a lot of therapy, but I am really trying to be a more conscious human being for me and for my husband and daughters!
Thank you so much for posting this. Part of me feelings like tearing up! But it's like happy tears, like there's something I can do about this. I can truly help myself and you simplified inner child work that I sometimes find confusing and complicated. Thank you so so much! My inner child blows you a kiss!
So funny as one of my triggers is also when the dishes are not done when I get home...and I've been working on myself to stop my crazy reaction and do exactly as you have explained. I follow you on Instagram so what you have been teaching must have resonated with me and I've already started the work. Thank you 💛
Hi, I'm learning a very interesting thing. You mentioned that we should meet our own needs as an adult. So does this mean we should do things on our own instead of expressing ourselves to the other person? Also I wonder, if we can meet our own needs, is there a point in expressing our hurt to the other person who triggered us? Sometimes when I expressed myself, I'd hear lots of excuses and their reasons, but not a total validation of my experience which is what I needed.
Emotional neglect is a huge trauma.
Narcissistic parents do it on purpose.
@@HeartFeltGesture
Yes they do especially the family goat and in their worship of the golden child they destroy their lives by giving too much of all manner of support and praise.
Matter of fact and with 58 years of experience surrounded by these people I was so very fortunate to have been neglected. I resented the fact that I was not of value to them and nothing at all came easy but it was the blessing not the curse to be the scapegoat.
My older brother is most likely homeless even though Mother left him her home that was free and clear when she passed.
I haven't spoke to him in several years I hope he is ok but I can't help him.
If he was hungry and we took him food, when it was gone he would be looking at us like a hungry chick does a Jenny Wren with a worm.
For sure, I was invalidated to near death then thrown away. Thank God for healing or I would've turned into a soulless monster like my father.
Yep, I went through it. I had anorexia and my parents didn't care I was wasting away. I believe no one is worse or not bad, We all have a kind of trauma. ❤
Abonned and neglect and scapegout
I now understand how as an adult I can look back on my childhood and say it wasn’t that bad but if I look through the eyes of me as a child I do remember my dad, even though he was always physically present he was emotionally distant and detached. I wanted to seek his approval and validation. I can see how those early interactions have shaped my need for male attention and the feelings that arise when I either get that attention or I don’t. Thank you! 🙏🏻
Sara Zink I can relate almost 100% to this. I wish you all the best of your journey to healing your inner child 🙏🏻
I really relate to that but for me I wanted validation from my mother
@@lolad7645 same here!
Oh man! I have a similar issue except i have a narcissistic father and the way he manipulated me and it made me a passive adult...working through it tho.. i need to become who i am and not his opinions of me
Your comment made me realise what's going on with me ... I had no idea and struggled so much without understanding what was on front of my eyes.. now everything makes sense..thank you so much ..
Yes! I didn't know I suffered abuse. I thought my childhood was normal, but after doing tons of research about dysfunctional families. My family fit the criteria 110%. The reason my siblings and I have NEVER had a successful romantic relationship. It sucks, but at least I know the answer to heal- work on my inner child wound.
I'm in the same boat. The inner child work will be super helpful for you!
I am dealing with a lot of healing from my childhood a lot of emotional abuse codependency and emeshed with my mom. I am figuring out my triggers not easy. people talking intense yelling etc. creates anger and anxiety. Being told what to do by others. it's hard
thats sucks i can relate but its possible to us to heal our wounds and live a happier life, go hard to solve your mind issues.
yeah same, i didnt know i had such a trumatizing childhood, thought my childhood was good but i had a blocked sacral chakra and solar plexus already when i was like 6yr old, i had a lot of stomach pain as a kid and low self esteem at such a young age, but the pains stopped and now they are coming back. finally i know how to heal my inner child
I think I am a maladaptive daydreamer due to my childhood traumas
I've never heard of this term before. This could explain a lot about tendencies. I was physically abused throughout my childhood, and also put on Ritalin for being unable to concentrate in class. It takes me longer to grasp information and I drift off into my thoughts unwillingly
@@Xscape128
.bbmb
ho. . .
Samee
same. i’ve always made up a perfect family in my head to escape the ones i have. i thought i’d outgrow it but it just became a habit of mine, i resort to it whenever i feel like i’m being abandoned and there’s no way for me to make those people stop from leaving. at least, they’re safe inside my head and they won’t leave me.
Same!! Mine are mostly focused on relationships and it’s been super difficult to let myself let go of someone when my mind is creating a perfectly crafted image of them that doesn’t exist
1. Acknowledge that you have a inner child
2. Use triggers as a guide
3. Ask inner child what it needs to be considered
Thank you Kaycie!
Nice summary 👌
@Anton K you'll be surprised how many people just want the luxury of obtaining the info without watching the full video
@@oxforddictonary People who are blind or have limited vision and use screen readers might find Kaycie's comment really helpful considering they wouldn't be able to see what's written on the whiteboard.
@@oxforddictonary You are blessed with better vision than myself. The white board is not easy to read.
Wow, I’m so glad I chose to hop over from Instagram to your UA-cam channel. You have some really powerful insights.
I really appreciate you coming over, Jordan
Insta is piecemeal. This platform offers a much better potential for the author to expound and create successful analogy. Cptsd is not an easy thing to heal. It’s an arduous journey, but worthwhile “as a description” doesn’t quite Seem to do the potential outcome justice.
I would get so angry at my parents when they shout at me or complain about small things and I really hate being told what to do or if people look down on me. I hate it when other people don’t listen to me and take my orders I just hate it if I have to respect some one and just to listen to them saying something that would be a benefit to my self. I don’t know but I feel horrible right now after expressing my self I just feel so different
I was feeling so angry today when I was benched at my softball game. It brought me back to times in childhood where I felt not good enough. I went for a walk and felt a lot better afterwards. Releasing that energy was powerful. Thank you for talking about this so clearly. I am excited to continue doing this work!
Hey Laura, thank you for sharing this. It's incredible how a walk can release so much energy.
It was a terrible childhood, so lonely, so powerless, so scared, so full of dread.
I never got to enjoy carefree play now 57 that dark cloud with lightning in it that seemed to strike without warning.
Thank you for helping people love the child, give him/her love, and hugs and acceptance along with making sure it has value since understanding what was happening didn't come until away from those people who didn't want him/her.
More love and power to yo ✨
@@yinyang75
Thank you.
May you have more of the same Love and Power.
Peace
@@decoy2636 god bless u fine soul ✨
Same here. But although I overstand this useful concept, I still think it's effed up that my parents didn't show up for me. Now I'm left with the burden of parenting myself (in which seems totally ridiculous in my mind) because I have no choice thanks to them.
@@SiyahMordecai
You're a survivor and you can do anything.
We have on average of 80 to 90 thousand thoughts a day and everything in your reality begins with a thought. I program myself in my sleep with positive affirmations along with gratitude affirmations. You hold the power to change your mind.
Peace
I literally feel suffocated when I deal with my boss at work or anyone who holds authority! And that has nothing to do with them; it is about what they represent! I am struggling all the time because I cannot be normal around them.
I become defensive, argumentative, harsh and sometimes disrespectful. Although that l inside feel terrified and off guard. Keep in mind they are nice bosses and they respect me but I cannot cope with them having authority. So I believe I have issues with people who have authority over me.
Reem M.A I’m the same. How do you navigate this?
@@puma5471 Me too. With my colleage teachers, bosses, even with older people. I'm not and can't be comfortable around. I don't know how to deal with it other than knowing for me; it comes from not being seen as a child and constantly felt being oppressed. But I don't know how to change it.
loomeytumes it comes from the same place, for me, as well. It’s not easy. Maybe we have to try not to see these authority figures as wanting to oppress but sometimes they do. My struggle is mainly with male authority... there are people who use their power with a hint of “my way/ no way”
@@looneytunes2222
I had the same issue
I helped myself through this by teaching myself, that I am my own Authority, I am using my Authority of myself to be at Work in this place, that I as my own Authority of myself Choose to work here with these good people, & In my Own Authority I can also choose Not to work here with these people,
Using my Authority it's suits me to work here at this moment & using my Authority of self when it doesn't suit me to work here with these people, using my Own Authority I will then choose to leave,
It really worked for me As it switched WHO was in Authority here from them to ME , changed the perspective within me of who was really in Authority ME
Always ME , that empowerment of knowing I Am the only one with Authority over me was Life changing
Hope this helps xxx
Said with much Love Kindness and Respect to all 😊⭐💖
I have the same issue. Sometimes I wonder if it stems from BPD. My bosses are not all great and nice tho but even if the good ones need to talk to me about something I either feel angry and lash out or start to cry. I hate it.
My inner child never had a voice because no one liked him. He was always the weird one out whom no one ever wanted to listen to and even ridiculed. I was a bullied kid because of that. Eventually I had to create an inner demon to protect the inner child. They're best friends right now
❤
Relatable
I did the same thing. Now I am slaying the demon I created.
@@AJ-lm5rh good luck with that man, I'm chilling with my demon, we homies
❤
Going off of your dishes example, how do you know when to take on responsibility to meet your inner needs and when to tell your partner they need to clean up after themselves? I feel it wouldn’t be fair to myself to always take on someone elses responsibilities just to “meet my own needs”. Idk if that makes sense. But if you’re constantly taking on responsibilities that may not be yours just to comfort yourself, I feel like the partner would just become accustomed to not doing them because they know you’ll “pick up the slack” to meet your inner needs.
Is there an answer about ur comment? It make totally sense for me, how do I know the difference? Between what I need to do to work my inner child and the partner/parent... take responsibilities on his own?
Yeah. I hung that towel up a long time ago 🤣 for the longest time my mothers ways about chores used to upset me, I am a second born, my brother is the oldest and I have younger sisters.
My mother always expected me to do the dishes and clean the house! She wouldn’t ask my brother or my younger sisters.
I used to complain because my dad and brother where the type of people that didn’t know how to use one cup once, they were the main people that piled in dishes and didn’t clean them.
So, one day I boxed up all the dishes, hid em’ left one of each for each family member because I was tired of “picking up” behind someone else. My mother was angry she went off on me etc.
I left my parents home at 22, lived by myself for over 10 years. Living by myself I realized I was a neat freak (or probably undiagnosed OCD) LOL my remotes had to be certain way, no dishes were ever in the sink, I was obsessed with my house looking like a model home 😀plus a whole lot other wired clean quirks etc.
Then I got married! Welp! My husband took me back to that little girl a couple of times earlier on in our marriage. My husband has probably done the dishes 5 times in the 7 years we’ve been together.
So, earlier on I found myself fussing, yelling, screaming at him about the dishes to the point where this one time I grabbed a set of our wedding gift plates that had piled up in the sink and threw them away!
Ugh! I had gone far in anger over these blasted dishes which hadn’t been me in a very long time, it felt weird, my husband was uncomfortable and kinda scared 🤣🤣 he always talks about the day I went rouge!
After that day, I had to think of changing my trajectory. I realized my husband was triggering my childhood emotions of how I felt about my dad and brother because his a male too, I realized I was being triggered from the way my mother always wanted me to do dishes and clean.
However, I had to figure out how to psychologically remove my husband from that group. I realized that I’d spent all our earlier days yelling, begging and crying for him to do the dishes, after all, how hard is it to just rinse off your plate with a little soap? Right?
Well, wrong! Apparently that was not his thing. So, I started to always shop for paper plates and paper cups, he too knows to use those at least 🤣 which lessened the dishes In the sink.
When there is a dish or two, I do it. I stopped talking about it. I no longer get upset because this is who he is going to be, my issues where my inner child and my mothers narcissistic ways of parenting. That’s what I resented.
Once I got over that realization, I stopped treating my husband like he was my dad or brother. I disallowed a dish or two to take me out of character simply because it was a trigger 🤷🏽♀️ I have peace of mind.
I would be very very curious to see an answer from the author of the video, this same thought flashed through my mind as soon as she mentioned this example, how would this fit with setting your own boundaries?
Love the question. The question here is not that if I can clean dishes for my partner, the question here is that shall I do it every time for her.
I think the path in this case is to first heal your inner child, aliviate the need of feeling considered, and then you can start to work on your boundries and communicatión with your partner. The key here is patience and prioritize your healing process. Unless it is very detrimental to your life... The dishes can wait.
I need you to write a book.
A year later and she has!
@@zackalexander1173 Wow thats cool...
How to do the work is the name of the book
@@ziddilarki6393 how to do the work
lots arises in me
as I watch this video.
mainly this:
I'm falling,
again, for another
unavailable person...
because the illusion and fantasy and escape
of this person, is all I've got...
so I let myself fall.
let myself get attached.
because I'm old now,
and the deepest shame and agony
of my life, is that I've never-ever been
in an intimate-romantic relationship...
and the reality of this anguishes me, consumes me.
fills me with: grief, shame, rage, longing, loneliness, despair,
wanting, needing, desperation...
so I cling, achingly, to anyone
that shows me: any attention...
I am a newlywed (6 months) and my marriage and relationship is heavily challenging the safe space my inner child has created for so long. This example of the dishes is one that I am currently dealing with. Housework in general is a trigger for me, for various reasons that I am able to identify. But as you shared, I can change my response and check my ego and make the activity more pleasurable instead of more burdensome. Your content is literally saving my life and giving me the tools I've known about but never knew how to utilize.
I was able to integrate unresolved early trauma during a once a week, three hour small group facilitated by a skilled clinician using an eclectic perspective informed cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) modality lasting six months. Rarely triggered now💪🙏💙
How much did that cost in total?
I have been identifying my patterns of late. I am a people pleaser and people chaser and usually feel like I am in one-sided relationships/friendships. No wonder I always feel like folks aren't "considering" me the way I consider them because after all, I am the one who can't say no or lack healthy boundaries. And maybe I do this because my biggest trigger might be fear of abandonment or being ignored.
Reflection on what my trigger is. Rejection.
Nicole, how would I go about #3 if my triggers are being unseen/unheard/demissed/disrespected? Growing up my mother and older sister always left me feeling these ways by never listening to my thoughts/opinions and would speak over me and change the subject whenever I was speaking. I am now realizing these traumas and that they show up in my current relationships. I put my needs last, don't set boundaries for myself, am always the first to give in to conflict situations, don't feel I have the right to feeling the way I feel sometimes, am always focused on other peoples feelings and showing up for them, etc. ... in moments where I recognize these triggers, how would I fulfill the needs of my inner child feeling unseen/unheard/dismissed/disrepected? What actions could I take for example?
HOW THE FUCK COULD HE DO THIS TO ME?
THE PAIN IS UNBEARABLE.
AND I AM DROWNING IN IT.
I am drowning in 999-trillion layers of grief and despair.
I cannot breathe. I do not breathe.
I cannot, do not: come up for air.
I'm in hell: with no escape.
I am raped: deep inside my soul.
Tortured and raped: on a soul level.
He raped me. He raped my soul.
His name is Bryan. I thought he was my best friend.
And he raped my soul.
I am submerged in darkness.
I AM HAUNTED.
I am taunted.
I AM TERRIFIED.
All I see is him, and my replacement, together:
all over social media.
I AM ALL ALONE IN THIS BIG SCARY WORLD.
MY SOUL IS RAPED.
I AM FILLED WITH PANIC AND TERROR.
I AM DESPERATELY ALONE.
I AM FLOODED WITH PANIC ATTACKS.
He - the man I called my best friend - gave me PTSD.
Severe PTSD. He left me in February. Discarded me like garbage.
The grief is unbearable. UN-FUCKING-BEARABLE.
He left me. Replaced me. My "best friend".
The only friend I had. The ultimate betrayal.
How the actual fuck could he do this to me?
We went from speaking every single day
about every damn thing,
and now we're strangers!
HOW THE ACTUAL FUCK COULD HE REALLY DO THIS TO ME?
JUST REPLACE ME WITH ANOTHER...
I AM TORMENTED AND TORTURED AND HAUNTED.
AND SO FUCKING DESPERATELY ALL ALONE.
The pain and the panic and the terror are truly unbearable.
However,
I have learned this:
1. The woman who has the power to walk away, gives her soul, the space to heal...
2. She allows the man (and herself) to have/gain clarity regarding her value...
3. She is able to ponder the error/s of her ways (as well as the error/s of his...)
4. She learns her own strength and power and femininity and divinity and magic...
5. She re-calibrates her soul, and moves back to the Creator's default...
6. She gives God the necessary space to bless her...
REMINDER TO SELF:
The universe, God, your guides, your angels, your ancestors, are all pushing you,
lovingly, in the right direction: into your own magnificent powerful magical freedom!
A growth mindset involves:
1. seeing challenges as opportunities
2. a willingness to (un)learn and heal
3. persistence and faith
4. optimism and gratitude and hope
5. embracing change and adapting...
Dear, inner child
1. I give you permission to heal
2. I give you permission to forgive yourself and others
3. I honor our journey together
4. I love you
5. Thank you
I am 52 years old and yes the S#@t I went through was traumatic. I had a step-monster sexually, verbally, physically and emotionally abuse me from the very first encounter with him. He injured my neck, he beat me repeatedly with a leather belt, he snuck into my room after mom went to work. That is some of my inner child trauma.
Hi! Sounds like we had the same type of step-monster; I'm so sorry! Your sweet, scared, angry little child needs so much consideration, attention, love and admiration for living through all that sh*t!! You can give them what they never got; I'm working on that now. 54 years old, just barely learning how to communicate with her, but she's certainly sharing painful feelings with me. I do a journal saying Dear Little Me and she starts with Dear Adult Me. I use the same hand for both, using non- dominant one was a pain in the butt, frustrating, and took too much time away from communicating/sharing. I am sending your inner child safe hugs and hopefully deep feelings of being safe. ❤ A
I had listened to this binaural beats last night and it took me back to a time where I had fun as a kid and acted like a silly anima, but I also realized where my trauma started and what caused it. My mom kept me away from so many people, made me feel ashamed and fearful, my brothers.. well, they also traumatized me with the rude things theysaid to me which brought my self confidence down, my physical sexual trauma which started when I was 5 and continued until I was 14, but I continue to degrade my body to other men. My final thing was feeling alone and ashamed for not pleasing others. I hope this video helps me.
Have you looked into the program, Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional families? You can go to the ACA website and find online Zoom meetings and also the ACA books.
@@taft7877 I have but I need the site again, ill look at it again. Schools kept me busy
Love how you always provide personal examples to provide context to your theories. Helps so much when talking about more abstract concepts. And yes it’s always more than dishes... or squeezing toothpaste in the middle of the tube.. or leaving clothes on the floor. But in the moment, when triggered, that’s all the other person will consider, that you lost your shit over a couple of dishes. 🤦🏻♀️ Love how this simple exercise in mindfulness turned into an act of self care.
Hey you! love that! Mindfulness turned into self care.
I saw this video about 5 chairs and 5 reactions/responses. The last being most calm and generous. We assume the dishes not being done is to slight or hurt us. We make up stories about how others are out to get us. Maybe the dishes had nothing to do with you today... Being less triggered. We can then ask the person to engage in a convo about their day, the house chores, their needs, your needs. And then ask for some help. Or maybe not... Maybe you realize today you want to do the dishes cuz your fam had a hard day. Great example! Everyone can be better at being less reactive and open to dialogue.
I welcome the loneliness, I don't have to entertain other people's insecurities. It feels good to feel the silence inside. It helps me to recognize who feels like an empty hole, of other people's codependencies and unhealed traumas. Being able to sit with my own, underlying feelings for why reacted to certain and recognizing what triggered me and then re-training my triggers. Solitude, is beautiful when you need an inner child breaks. I needed to heal a lot, inside myself that needed my consistent attention. Shadow work, is inner child healing. An inside job.
My inner child is so destroyed from my mother's abuse and betrayel of me I feel imibilized in fear by the wound betrayel of what her abuse caused in my life how do I heal this can't visit her either triggers get immobilised by frightening reality of what she did
sending you love
@@msnishaxo thank you
I had a pretty chaotic childhood, not gonna go into details. But I ended up joining the military, and became a workaholic, and my inner child was free to act out because in the military were all kind of mean to eachother but friends at the end of the day, so it kind of worked out. I became actually happy, and felt accepted. But it was a bandaid. What I thought was happiness was actually a distraction from my inner child pain. And i remember that pain always being there, just not on the surface. And now that I'm out of the military, i moved back home, worked a very slow paced job, and i slowly felt my happiness slip away, it was like a switch, and i felt it happen, a dark wave of negativity crashed onto me, and i tried to stop it but i wasn't strong enough. And i became exactly who I was before the military. All that pain popped up all at once. And caused me to be stagnant in life.
So now I'm living home i quit my job and stuck in a rut and I think I need to work with my inner child to move on. I want to move out so bad and i can but for whatever reason I'm not letting myself. Ive been here for 3 years, definitely wasn't the plan but once that wave crashed on me I became stuck. Im just in such anxiety everyday, i ruminate constantly, I feel like I've lost my mind. Why did this have to happen to me? Fukin bullshit
Hi Videoman... I also had a pretty chaotic childhood. Also not going to go into details here, but I found a real, honest, good space to start figuring my stuff out with ACA. Check out the Laundry List. Google it. And if any of it resonates, find a meeting near you. Everyone there knows, tho the details are different, how you feel. Lots of luck to you, my friend. ❤❤❤
Someone else mentioned this, where is the line though? I agree that a trigger such as undone house chores is, in the scheme of life, pretty small and you should most times learn to self sooth. However when I am, which is rarely, incredibly overwhelmed by sadness, my partner does not offer to be with me in that space but usually makes it worse by dismissing my feelings and becoming angry and ‘over it’. I am triggered by the dismissal of my feelings, it’s an excruciatingly painful feeling as if I was actually being stabbed in my heart or stomach. I try and think, I should self sooth, but is that it then? I never get compassion or soothing from my partner ever and I should just deal with that? To me, dismissing my feelings or emotions in such a heightened state is breaking my boundaries. So it’s either a put up with it or leave him, and I don’t think either is correct.
I struggle with this, too, a lot. You're not alone. I feel horrible and am brought to tears (though I often stop them) when my feelings are hurt and my partner is dismissive or says something that stings me in the moment. I know that I need to work on loving my self, but I am left wondering about my partner's behavior and the way he reacts to me when I am upset. I suppose he has a lot of self-love issues, too. I know I don't have any control over whether or not he ever accepts that and goes on the journey for himself, too. I fear I'll be doing this all on my own. Today, I am feeling pretty good, so I tell myself it will all be alright. He'll come around. Other times, when I am not feeling well, I feel so saddened by it all.
That's my question, I suppose -- if one partner does the work and starts to feel improvements within themselves, yet the other person stay stagnant, what then? I wouldn't want anyone to give up on me. Then again, I can't imagined a person on the road to healing would put up with those don't lift them up consistently.
I'm sorry for rambling. If you relate or understand what I was writing, I'd really like to know. Thanks. :)
Hi ladies, perhaps first the acknowledgment and trust of yourself to yourself is key. Our partners can show us flags at times but once we feel more balanced we can discuss gently how we feel and how a certain behaviour was not acceptable. A genuine partnership will consider the other and take responsibility with a mindful understanding to how we can change in order to grow. “I” statements are better here rather than “you” as they can be accusatory. However, I would advise looking at boundary work and then consider looking at human rights. This will help with some of the confusion that a bad response can bring to us in any relationship and help us acknowledge what we are willing to have in our lives. These are the things we should have learnt before having relationships but unfortunately get overlooked and dismissed in education and care givers. Hope that’s helpful.
You said you discovered the trigger was that you weren’t being considered. So instead of addressing the person that you feel was not considering you, you decided to do the dishes to consider yourself and then do something you enjoyed...I understand this but how do you address the issue that you would like the dishes done to whoever did not take care of their dishes? How will this not turn into abuse and conditioning the other person to believe that they don’t need to do the dishes cause you’ll take care of them?
lilboricua25 exactly my question ! Thank you.
Hi! Great question. Here, I am teaching how to work through a trigger in the moment. I decided to do the dishes and then tend to my inner child (by reading.) This is an act of self care. We learn to become conscious, rather than habitually reacting and dumping our emotions onto others. When I am calm and centered, I can then have a conversation with my partner about doing the dishes. We cannot 'condition' the behavior of other people. We can only respond to their behavior. As far as abuse, that isn't what I'm speaking to in this video. With abuse, boundaries are necessary.
The Holistic Psychologist i see, i should mention that this has triggered me, the fact that i will do someome else's dishes and they get to walk around free, and that you did not mention has really triggered because i'd feel that they won! I could start working on that, thank you 😁🙏🏽
So, how did you address that person, that was being so inconsiderate to YOU? No one should be a doormat.
@@rachelstark2391 the behavior was not being directed towards me, which is what i'm trying to demonstrate in this video.
For the dishes example, I am feeling a bit sceptical. I understand it but it isn't matching my reality. I suspect I could be missing something though. Could anyone help me out?
It isn't the dishes per say but the state of the house. I need it clean and clutter free as it is a sensory overload trigger (autism). I would do it myself (even though it wasn't my mess just so I was giving myself the need). My partner will repeatedly mess it back up again. I feel upset and unloved because of it (I've told them this and explained in details why and how I need things, allowing them the chance to compromise which they do not - they agree to keep it clean). They still do it (leaves a mess hours after I've spent all day cleaning). How do I address healing that? I am confused over what the issue even is anymore. The reason for the clean is a "medical" and I have always worked hard to keep my sensory triggers reduced but I am still repeatably feeling strong reactions to the event (from both sensory and emotion).
story of my life.
I think the thing with the dishes is just us having strict ish parents that want the dishes done.
And then that voice just stays in our heads.
Granted I don't think it's one that's completely wrong but you just can't be mean to your partner in the same way... And it's hard because you know as a kid you weren't allowed to do the thing that they're doing.
Super helpful thank you. Can I ask for your advice on how to be considered (#3) when the trigger is that I’m not spoken to too often in social settings? Like when I’m around a group, people won’t really talk with me as much as others. And that’ll be a trigger
->What are my unmet needs?
->what wound is this stemming from? Emotional neglect, physical neglect
Love watching you 'blow up' on insta. Beautiful message, keep it up!!
I can't thank you enough for not only the support on instagram, but youtube as well. Much love!
@@TheHolisticPsychologist I've randomly been law of attracted to inner child healing and you appeared.. funny that.. looking forward to the meditation :)
I relate to the dirty dishes scenario but what I don’t understand is why is doing the dishes what made your inner child feel considered? Shouldn’t this have been a conversation with your partner about respecting your wishes to maintain a clean kitchen? I feel that if we just did the dishes that we set no boundary for our expectations. Is this wrong?
Are you a Virgo sun, moon or rising? Love your videos btw, they're very helpful!
What if the person you are living with is constantly leaving the dishes unwashed? I found myself always doing the dishes and cleaning, because I hate it when the house is a mess. I can’t really focus with a lot of chaos around me, it gives me a feeling that I am not seen and that there isn’t enough space for me. Is it wrong to ask for more consideration for this? It doesn’t feel okay to always take control of the situation by doing the dishes myself. Isn’t it also taking control when I walk away from the mess and ask my partner to clean it? I am struggling to find a balance in this because it really feels unsatisfying when I walk away but I also don’t want to be the housekeeper.
"Undone house chores" and dirty dishes in the sink trigger me, too.
My mind the same: "They don't care about what i want." "They disrespect me." "They don't care to have nice stuff" is a biggie with me.
How do we know what needs are if we were never like given needs? Like say a child was emotionally and physically neglected for their entire childhood after a divorce in early childhood? How do we figure out what a human needs? Are we just supposed to go off examples of healthy dynamics between parents and children? How do we discern what's healthy and what's unhealthy? What if our inner child is just completely silent when we ask this? I appreciate all insights. Please don't suggest therapy because it's not an affordable option right now. I would like some general insight and advice on this. Maybe some links to references. Thank you. Lots of love and healing to you all.
OMG I relate to this topic 💯🤪 I feel like I'm always in a state of overreacting emotionallyI just recently found your channel do you have any suggestions? Thank you for your time and your energy namaste 🕉️❤️
So glad you used the dishes example. My partner leaving dirty plates in the sink sends me to a very dark and angry place. I'm now starting to succeed in giving these thoughts and feelings space. Thanks for your videos, I'm finding them so helpful.
I finally realized that I have an inner child at 63 years of age. I see the trauma that occurred to me at 6 years old and how that trauma shapes me the way I am in every aspect of my life.
Thank you. I asked my innerchild what it needs to be considered and I haven't gotten response but I told him no rush. Take his time and I'm always right here when he's ready.
Okay same girl in the dishes same I hate doing them but from years of working and food service and having a dad that wouldn't let me go to bed till the kitchen was clean, same.
I can have a dirty rest of the house but my kitchen has to be clean.
Who is cry out right now
I’m so glad I found you and your channel. Thanks for putting all of this out there for everyone. It really helps a lot of people including myself.
Thank you for finding your way over here!
Thank you for sharing this! I'm 57 years old and I recently began connecting with my inner child for healing. For years I dealt with the trigger of fear in the area of money. Whenever my finances were low or when I perceived that I couldn't pay an unexpected bill, I would instantly feel an overwhelming emotion of dread in the pit of my stomach and a tightness in my chest. I now realize that these were triggers used by my inner child to help bring healing to myself in this area.
How did you heal that?
What u mean change your responses sure if u sob that's normal response or feel grief
What if blurred boundaries is a trigger? I feel like my childhood consisted of doing what my family wanted me to do and not what I wanted to do. I feel v triggered when I’m coerced by my close friends to do things I’m not 100% down for.
It's been a year now since your comment and I hope you've found what I found in the meantime.
This is the most empowering two letter word. I feel good when my friend is trying to coerce me into something I am not interested in doing. No is the response that we needed all along. Once like you and finding it difficult to do things that take my time and leave me angry at myself later for caving in to things just to please others and displeased myself by doing so that two letter word has changed my life in a good way. I no longer cave in to doing things that waste my time and leave me feeling less than for doing so. Shocked at first my friend's have accepted the fact that I too have things that I place more importance on as being productive while others stare at a screen and silently sit for an entire movie etc. I now say no oftentimes and go home to my own idea of fun. I'd much rather be listening to an audiobook while working on a project that's needing to be done at home. If I think about it there is some distance between me and them but we're still friends. I have decided that my friend could come to my house and hang out too. The only thing is that I don't call and ask them to come to my home anymore and perhaps they're a little too narcissistic too.
Perhaps, perhaps not but I'm fine with being alone and enjoy the silence. At least I can hear without a loud tv playing some movie in which I spot symbolism in just about every scene. I'm in control of my thoughts and am not interested in controlling the thoughts of others or their happiness either.
Tell them no and when the whining comes I'm out of there.
I no longer need to feel like I wasted my time and my own happiness is found alone with my dog.
I thank you father in heaven through your son Jesus christ Amen
Well said and so very true 🙏🏽 doing the work and feeling grateful for your teaching and sharing these tools and abilities with us all.... I am so happy to finally not feel broken or ill mentally and have the awareness of this responses being reactions from my inner child at many different stages of life responding to triggers! It's all making much more sense day by day and I feel less alone and much more validated and for that I'm extremely grateful and wish you the best life can offer for all you share 🙏🏽
Hi Michael! Great to see you over here. You are doing incredible healing.
what if I am a 16 year old doing this? is it okay?
Yes honestly it will help you grow to be a better person and have healthy relationship and will also help with self love i don't think age matters if you feel like you need to do this then do it because it all will be for a better you and to finally be happy to feel happy sometimes That's what is holding us back from being happy so yes its ok do it for u 💖❤
How do you balance to know when it is a trigger and a red flag, or if it is unmet boundaries that should be met. Like, if it is you not being treated right and you should tell, or if it is you who needs to work on this thing?
Ask a trusted well-adjusted friend, adult relative, therapist, school (uni) counselor, or simply ask yourself what your intuition is telling you.
Yeah it's kinda confusing the first time you realize you need to help yourself and do things for yourself that kinda feels like Parenting but it's nice once you get the hang of it.
I had to go back to basics of looking at human rights and then write out my boundaries and....... long story but journaling and writing down flags. Once I introduced and stuck with my boundaries my husband changed dramatically and I found I was in a really dangerous position. Abusive people don’t like boundaries and unfortunately they get worse. My husband became really threatening.
To be ohnest I’m really scared to face the world I feel like I’m not good enough. In everything I do I seem to fail. I’m 27 years old and don’t own anything of my own I still live with my parents and they help me with everything I’m scared to take huge projects on my own I have big dreams but I don’t even know where to start I have been scared to even get education. I just started now going to school studying hospitality. But I always feel like something is missing in my life. Can any one help me on what to do because I’m really struggling and I’m drained I have two boys that I love so much and they waiting on me to act and provide them with a better life. I’ve had two failed relationships because my partners felt like I was too relaxed not wanting to do anything. Plz help any advise on wat to do
I placed my inner child into a deep stone well inside of me to protect her from my angry father and then, my Rageaholic covert narcissist ex husband. I was trying to protect her but what I'm realizing now is that I put her in a prison of sorts. She did not get physically abused but she had to sit in that well for 14 years listening to yelling, doors being slammed, walls and other things being punched, things being thrown and broken. Rage. Pretty much every day. As I sat there for all those years silent, NOT yelling back, NOT fighting, NOT leaving....I trapped her inside my body as she screamed and screamed as my outside self sat there or laid there doing NOTHING to protect her! I lied to myself over and over, minimizing what was going on, self soothing my terror and depression with sayings of "Its going to be ok." "Just don't say anything." "Ignore him, he'll eventually calm down." 😞
I am ANGRY with myself for taking it and for thinking this ass holes rage and anger *is more important than my safety!*
I finally got the courage to leave. I finally realized I was not OK and deserved better. I finally began to love myself enough to realize my worth and LEAVE. It's been almost 2 years and I'm dealing with CPTSD triggered by noise, especially as I'm sleeping. I start having a panic attack in my sleep which wakes me up in shear dread and terror. And then I start to mentally self soothe but it's the SAME OLD MINIMIZING LIES I spoke in my mind and out came the anger. I'm in a safe place now so telling myself I'm safe and OK now is correct, but my inner child is triggered. She needs to be validated. She needs me to apologize to her for not caring about her before, in that hell. I need to let myself be angry. I need to scream and cry and let it *out!*
I'm also drawing and painting a lot of what it felt like for her all that time which is very healing. Very validating.
❤️🙏🏻Thank you so much for this video!
Starling Swallow I did the same thing, I have found Richard Grannon really helpful for the trauma you’re describing and I also still suffer. Also reaching out to my local women’s centres and finding other understanding people is great for self esteem and building new healthy relationships and most recently and in the process of using compassion for that cruel inner voice. Exhausting 🤗
Your videos are fantastic and this concept really helped me today when I felt my inner child go into meltdown. Thank you for your healing work!
Your work is so amazing! This video reminded me of these words: ''The more we accept our humanness and our feelings for what they actually are, rather than what we wish they were, the more we digest them and grow as a human being'' - Andrew Kenneth Fretwell (Emotional Alchemy The Love And Freedom Hidden within Painful Feelings)
I really appreciated this video, and i liked the example. I hadn't thought about what it might mean to do for myself what i wanted/needed others to do for me emotionally, to take care of my own inner child rather than just being hurt others weren't reading my mind. How can they see what i need if i can't?
Thank you . So simple but so vital 🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻
The dishes one got me too 🤣🤣🤣 I broke a whole set of dishes!! Ugh! I found my tribe! However, like you I’ve since just learned to do em’ without fussing!
Thank you!
I feel very close to you when I watch and listen to you.
Wow, I needed this sm. I can already identify why I have these triggers
Is it possible to be doing meditation and journaling, thinking you are getting better and miss this whole inner child thing and can’t move forward because of it?? When I heard you talking about this I wondered deep into my guts. Because I got triggered hugely by my coach on Saturday although not angry, but very sad. And my daughter triggered me when she acted like she was going to teach me a lesson, albeit in a “I’m smarter than you “ attitude. It took me 24 hours to get over all that, and most of it meditating and journaling. There is still resistance, but I have got to get some work done! This upheaval in my life has been so distressing as I keep thinking I am getting better,happier,more self worthy, but I can’t or haven’t moved beyond my scarcity circumstances. Good grief,now what?
That was amazing , you confirmed what I should do, easier sad than done. Thanks for the motivation.
My wounded child has been triggered so many times. I have made a lot of wrong meanings to many situation long time ago. Now I am having more awareness. Please make more videos. I want to know more.
But if it was agreed that your partner would do the dishes and he/she didn't, it would be ok to talk about those unmet expectations, right? Of course, without freaking out...
I know 2 adults that struggle with this. They had a permissive young parent who had no authority over them. They never learned to respect authority figures.
I think we all struggle with this in one way or another. It's not our task to be so judgmental.
I love the goal, but wouldn’t this at the same time enable your partner or whoever to continue being inconsiderate?
Hi! Great question. This example is for you. So that you can remain in a peaceful state and understand the emotions underneath triggers. If your partner is continuing to do things that you feel considerate, it's important to have a conversation to address it.
The Holistic Psychologist Hi! I know this is an old response but I was wondering the same and love your answer but have a question. a is this where boundaries come in? And then seeing how he/she acts over time ...And then deciding if you want to maintain the relationship/marriage. (Not just bc if dishes of course lol but over a compilation of things)
In this way it gives your partner the choice to be considerate out of FREE CHOICE, thats better... unconditional love ..
Please write a book. You are so great!
Again, Wow! Thank you for helping me see what work I need to do to help myself heal and be the wonderful person I was meant to be here on earth. So much appreciated. Thank you!
Its been suggested to me that I do "inner child" work. However, no therapist I've seen has brought it up & frankly, it sounded hokey to me. I had imagined this work to look like talking to your younger self like they were an imaginary friend. However, these videos have been very relatable and have been a useful introduction. It was helpful to hear that the "inner child" is a part of the mind where our past emotional experiences have been stored. Thank you for putting this information out there so generously.
Hi Michelle! I can understand that this sounds hokey, and I really applaud your openness to it. Thanks for going deeper.
Hi Michelle! I also was in therapy for YEARS and though there was improvement, I found a lot of help from the ACA approach. Google them up and if the Laundry List resonates at all...you've found a home with a lot of folks working on it as well! ❤❤❤
I'm currently journaling through "Healing the Child Within" book. Also extremely helpful. I had no idea how powerful validation is. It's imperative in every relationship, especially the one with ourselves/inner child.
I VOLUNTEER TO DO SPANISH SUBS ON THIS!!!
I get so mad when I cook, But I do it. I nag about it in my head.
This is one of your most helpful videos to me that I've seen thus far. I would observe what triggers me but was never really sure how to heal it. I tried this and I think my inner child needs to feel happy, and joyful, and beautiful. My inner child tends to feel like there is no happiness and love for me. It's a tricky thing. In those moments...I still am not sure how to give it to myself. I know the narrative starts by comparing myself to really beautiful, abundant girls I see online. And that's how i figured out thats what I feel I need...in observing that narrative. But I still don't know how I can ever give myself what they have. I remembered myself in one photo as a kid. Dressed up as a somewhat glamorous witch on halloween. But when I saw the picture, I hated my double chin.
I'm starting with the future self journal and I believe that will be key to also the discovery of the inner child and my triggers. I'm already familiar with most of my triggers but need to discover where it stems from.
Being on the other end of the stick... getting yelled at, screamed at, called a piece of sh*t, inconsiderate, selfish bi**ch... over a couple of missing silverwares which were purchased more than a decade ago, for example, amongst many other triggers... IS VERY TRAUMATIZING!!!
Instead of "don't get frustrated"....accept the feeling of frustration as part of making the change! It's okay to get frustrated. It's a signal that you are doing the hard work of changing something you don't like or want in your life.
This ^
Thanks much slower.... Easier to understand. Thank you 😊
I've been practicing for you ;)
This was very helpful! I will put this into practice for sure😊
The transmigration of the soul is an important concept to understand. We are spiritual beings having a short human journey. All these experiences here in this world will come to an end. When we understand that we are eternal spiritual beings, then it is of great benefit that we consider what is in my best spiritual interest. Can I live now in a way that is in harmony with my eternal essence, position and function?
How to move on from childhood trauma that keeps a person living in the past and afraid of the future? PRACTICE MINDFULNESS. In general populations and trauma-exposed adults, mindfulness interventions have demonstrated reduced depression and anxiety, reduced trauma-related symptoms, enhanced coping and mood, and improved quality of life. Studies in children and youth also demonstrate that mindfulness interventions improve mental, behavioral, and physical outcomes. Taken together, this research suggests that high-quality, structured mindfulness instruction may mitigate the negative effects of stress and trauma related to adverse childhood exposures, improving short- and long-term outcomes, and potentially reducing poor health outcomes in adulthood.
I act like a maniac at work . So embarrassing. I'm in a highly stressful extremely toxic environment and lately I'm convinced I'm having a real live nervous breakdown. I feel I've lost myself . Oh and btw because I've isolated myself most of my life I have no support group of friends and family is basically nonexistent. I thought I could handle this myself. It has gotten progressively worse in my 50's and the choice for many many many years has felt like I'm doing my time just waiting to die supporting a shell. This is no exaggeration. God how I wish it was. Thanks for listening.
Thank you ma'am
I love all of thissss!!! Keep it up Nicole, the world needs more of this!!
Hey Angelina! Thank you so much. I will for sure keep it up
More I listen more it makes sense to me, not everything as it so much to take in but I know that my childhood is a reason why I always get so defensive on most things that my partner says as I take my past emotions and represent them even in situations where they don’t fit. It’s like red flag that just clouds my vision and my stomach creates waves that burst out in tears and depression for days.
Mam plz be careful whn u make video or upload video on ur you tube channel plz give subtitle under video becoz i font understand ur spoken word so why is the use of ur video when i m not able to understand becoz i really like ur video lesson n want to know more things from ur video lesson bt the prblm is I don't clearly understand ur spoken English word in video 🤔🤔😭so it's a req plz mam give subtitle so that it will hlp to know n learn new things from ur video .
This is my last time humble req. otherwise I will not able to watch ur videos becoz of u not giving subtitle of the video 🙏🙏
Totally 💯 get that feeling of self shame after I flip out verbally (or God forbid - physically.. like throwing an object that’s valuable to me out the door or in the trash or whatever. ✅
Yes, but here is something to consider. If we are taking steps to heal our inner child we have to first make an effort to look for the wound- not to just simply acknowledge the inner child is hurt. Why is this child hurting? Because it has a wound. Who caused the wound or how it happened? That's going even deeper. If we only acknowledge that the child is hurt we are only showing empathy and compassion towards the inner child, which is good but does not go to the root of the problem.
Trimakasih ataa ilmu nya ☺️..saya suka brick ❤
To confirm that I understand this example (because I experience something similar with my housemates, though I am more of a silent stewer and not a yeller), did you wash your partner’s dishes? One of my other housemates does that for the other two, but I won’t because it appears to enable the behavior to continue.
My trigger is my husband leaving the house for going out with friends or doing something alone... I realized this year that my reaction Was way too big, I was feeling left alone like I was as a child, when my parents didn't have the time for me. It took me a lot of therapy, but I am really trying to be a more conscious human being for me and for my husband and daughters!
Thank you so much for posting this. Part of me feelings like tearing up! But it's like happy tears, like there's something I can do about this. I can truly help myself and you simplified inner child work that I sometimes find confusing and complicated. Thank you so so much! My inner child blows you a kiss!
So funny as one of my triggers is also when the dishes are not done when I get home...and I've been working on myself to stop my crazy reaction and do exactly as you have explained. I follow you on Instagram so what you have been teaching must have resonated with me and I've already started the work. Thank you 💛
This is so transformational. Thankyou!
It’s scary to think that you are encouraging people to put up with bad behaviors of abusive partners
How was your situation linked with a past wound? You said not feeling considered. Where in your past were you not considered?
Thank you for all your work. You have no idea how much you have helped me ♡
Thank you for such a clear and empowering explanation.
Hi, I'm learning a very interesting thing. You mentioned that we should meet our own needs as an adult. So does this mean we should do things on our own instead of expressing ourselves to the other person? Also I wonder, if we can meet our own needs, is there a point in expressing our hurt to the other person who triggered us? Sometimes when I expressed myself, I'd hear lots of excuses and their reasons, but not a total validation of my experience which is what I needed.
What do you do when it doesn't work? When you consider yourself and do something that you like but still feel all the triggered, then what?
I'm aware while washing the dishes to be mindful whilst doing them. It helps but there's rarely a clear kitchen sink and it's only me 😆