Controlling Parents & Enmeshment Trauma
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- Опубліковано 29 вер 2024
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So true, the healthier I got, the more she hated me.
Narcissist. jealous. tell her ! :)
This is BY FAR the best video I’ve seen that clearly explains the enmeshment of experience with compassion and hope for getting on the other side of it. Thank you soooo much. I’m trying my hardest to take my life back and this really helped validate my experience.
This is were narcacist uses mostly its flying monkies to isolate or freeze you,
Why do adults, who became parents, do this at all?? And why is there no place to teach future parents how to raise children without damaging them (that much). ??
Imo people should have to apply for parenthood; after you take the courses and pass the tests then you get issued your reproductive organs... only if I were God lol.
@@corporaterobotslave400 I'm with you!
does it leads to social anxiety because i expericing it
The best mindset I've found for resisting enmeshment is this: *Their advice sucks and they will gangstalk you until you follow the bad advice*
My parents confronted me about not sharing private details of my life with them. 😂😂😂 I stopped sharing with them bc theyre critical and controlling and hurtful. Im 36.
This is perfect. The parent enmeshment goes so far as to emotional blackmail, smear campaigns, & triangles with their partner, family, &/or friends to compete with the child. ( This has happened to me to the point where she emotional baited and instigated a fight between her boyfriend & I, while just sitting back and playing victim). Further with this situation, the parent will condition the child to go into a certain dysfunctional role to be a puppet and submit to the parent. In brief, this video clearly touches on parent enmeshment.
I'm so sorry this is so heartbreaking. I wish you all the best in life. Try making your own subliminal affirmations to reprogram if it's hard for you.
I honestly think something finally just “clicks” in our brain when we realize how unhealthy this is and, almost without thought, put up boundaries. That’s how it happened for me. It only took 37 years! Lol!
You are beautiful inside and outside as well and wonderful, be proud of Yourself. ❤️
I can relate, took me 34 years.
@@kimsmith9605 it’s nice to know I have others that can relate :)
😊
Shaming, guilting, "you should" statements, etc. intensify when you finally get your stuff together.
Parents change too. I feel I was experiencing reactive symptoms and lacked boundaries when raising my daughters. I’m learning a lot watching your videos.
This is so true. My mother has been trying to convince me for years that my psychotherapy is not working and I should find someone else, just because she hates the fact that now I have more energy to keep her away. Just last week she went so far as to say that my therapist "ruined me". How am I supposed to answer something as f*cked up as that?
You told her you were going to therapy right? Or she located the place on her own? Sounds like you shared info with her that you shouldn't. Grayrock and say nothing. A narcissist does not need to know details like this.
@@jesscruz4114 She knows because I started going to therapy years ago for my panic attacks, and she was actually the one who got the contact info from a friend of hers. I suppose she gave me my therapist's number thinking "here, call this number and get fixed". But it clearly didn't go as she planned...
Anyway I never shared with her absolutely anything about my therapy sessions. She keeps asking and she gets mad when I don't want to tell her.
BTW, yes, I'm trying my best to go grayrock now.
Ohhh my word!! Saaaame from my mom. Then she’d vacuum the therapy right out of me cuz she refused her own!😡😡😡😡😡
This is why I quit homeschooling. The kids were never not with me, listening to my phone conversations, following me around the house. It was not healthy.
I'm not sure a narc can ever respect boundaries...ever....ever...ever.
I just came here to say this same thing.
Which is why You/We must enforce them!! Walk away, etc. 😘🤗💪
Sadly you’re right
@@SavedByJesusHeimatLiebelol That'll end well
@@SavedByJesusHeimatLiebe What if you're trapped in the car with them?
The one thing I heard the most growing up when my parents were being horrible and soooo controlling (I’m talking about breaking into my home when I was 35 years old cause I didn’t text back for 2 days) is “I’m sorry we love u too much.” That last time it was said, I literally put up my hand and replied “no! You are not allowed to say that to me anymore!” They pushed me to stay with a physically abusive man and never cared about me and I found my voice.
The first step is always the hardest in setting boundaries; then it becomes a habit.
Sometimes I wonder if my mom is a narcissist because she will say something and then go back on her word a couple months later. For example, my cat died last May that I had for 18 years and during the pandemic, this was very devastating for me, as my cat was my best friend. My mom told me she wouldn't charge me rent this summer because I paid for my cat to be euthanized and cremated, yet once summer came along, she said she couldn't afford not receiving the rent over the summer, so I didn't like that she just couldn't be honest with me about the finances. I don't like when people promise me one thing and then go back on their word, but that's what my mom has done all my life and that has caused me to not really trust anyone unless I am shown that their actions align with their words. It really messes you up.
So sorry Dear ....i can relate, i lost my Kitty to Cancer 😭 while i was in a long Distance RL with a Narc...He has had Zero Empathy, even retraumatized me, It's now been 5,5 Years ago, yet she is Always in my Heart 💖 and I feel her Presence often, and find Solace knowing that One Day when my Time Comes I will meet her again at the 🌈 Bridge. Untill then she 🐈 wants me to enjoy 🙃 each Second, I know.
Thank you for your work. Many of us have messed up lives. Some of us aren't aware of the state we're in. Those who do may know something is wrong but not exactly what is wrong. You cannot fix something if you don't what's broken. You cannot fix what is broken unless you know how it is supposed to work correctly. You take the time to see and understand the problem and then find the solution to share with us. I've not survived eight years of parental alienation. When I see your and others works I have hope that someday my children will realize what is wrong with their lives and attempt to fix it. I just pray that they have enough awareness to realize that their life is not the way it should be. We are meant to be self realized, content and happy not trying satisfy those who manipulate us. Your making the world a better place. Our gratitude is immeasurable. Thank you.
Your timing could not possibly have been any better.
Right!
I agree!
Agree thanks girl this video was very much needed and couldn't have been a better time! Keep up the great job and spreading important info to everyone!!!
Good stuff. Thanks.
4:30...the healthier we get the more upset they get...
How do you know what happened with my mum when you weren't even there? ...you must be a psychic or something! 😁👍
You got that righ!!! Welcome to my life
I’m so glad this is being discussed enmeshment, with narc parents is a huge problem in adulthood I think it’s a curse, then they gaslight you abut your personal life, and spread rumors about you cuz there are no boundaries what so ever. A lot of times, we don’t even know that this behavior is dysfunctional until it gets pointed out, like it is here. Thank you ever so much!!
This is both my parents. And they are angry that I have set boundaries and I am doing what I want. They use the respect card a lot and that yes they dont agree with my decisions and I am wrong. I told them I will not listen to their abuse and I will do what I want
a beautiful thing happens when you have the narc parents blocked...Im learning things about myself that surprise me in my 40's because i was never able to fully just be myself with the constant pressure that i was never communicating enough
What do i do if my adult partner (31) is this way and acts beholden to her mom especially, but also to going to her siblings kids sports game and doing practical things for her parents on a schedule almost: washing their dog, cleaning their dog, and drives her mom around to get groceries cause her mom chooses not to drive. Like she doesnt realize shes doing all this out of deep seated obligation and guilt. My gf is willingly like this, like a programmed robot, and if i were to bring it up she would immediately get angered and act like what im saying is false. Her priority really feels like her mom ontop of the family unit
first!
You are right in what you are saying. These are the dynamics. We must not give in to the drama. It can eat us alive. No one can demand to take my life away from me and transform me into a zombie. :-)
YES! I am getting stronger, finding myself, growing, I'm out of abuse, I'm safe, I'm happy, healthy and ME! And do they seem happy?
Nope. They do a little bit but it's so far away from how happy I'd be if my daughter was all these healthy things!
They've brought up and focused on my lack of a FT job (even though I'm working on it!), focused on my lack of health benefits, the fact my husband and I got married under God and it's not governmentally "legal" yet---to us, we ARE married, my mom calls and asks me what she's supposed to tell people if they ask her if I'm married 🤦🏻♀️ This is her round about way of judging me, questioning my marriage, MAKE me question my own reality and her round about way of telling me she doesn't think my marriage is legitimate. If she thought it was, she'd tell these "friends who ask her."
I have no idea if this is coming from her or my dad. My dad had originally asked me if we had a marriage license and I told him not yet. 😡
Wow so on point! My life to a T
The guilt is real. My mother is a narcissist. She would always use me as the scapegoat growing up. I knew better at a young age to not come home happy because she would get angry, and make me do chores or say something mean to get me in a bad mood. Now as an adult i have been married to a covert narcissist for 6 years. Trying to get out with three young kids is hard. One of my brothers, the golden child, died in January from a blood infection due to drugs. I got clean years ago. She wont admit it, but she blames me for his death. She has barely talked to me since he died. Im already in so much pain losing him. She got mad at me the other day for not giving her a haircut last minute at 7pm when i was trying to cook dinner and get my kids to bed. She hasnt talked to me since and I'm Over her bull. Not gonna let her control my emotions anymore
Unlearning that shit yeah everyone is so enmeshed even just such crap even enmeshment trauma even just feeling super unworthy even so unworthy even
How to deal with feel of guilt and toxic shame?
Cold on them like brrr - Beyoncé Knowles.
I wish I had found this 10 years ago in my 20s
This is very helpful to hear Michele.
Have you worked with Ex-Jehovah's Witnesses?
The emotional enmeshment is something I didn't realize until I was married for a few years, out of the old environment. I had had a breakdown freshman year and "helpful" people said I didn't know my own emotions (fear, etc.)...hard to know what they are when you must stick to what everyone else is feeling. So I realize now it wasn't really my fault not knowing how to express them or what I was truly feeling and thinking. Now as a parent I am trying to break patterns, particularly matching my kids' emotional states. It's so freeing to do things a better way!
My elderly parents have just resorted to the more insidious tactic of minimizing my views mixed in with love bombing me about superficial things like my looks. They will also tell me how proud they are if me, but then acting like my ideas are over the top, I'm not as reasonable as them. Just because my ideas are different. It's almost like silly girl.
I notice that all of my instant connections with people, where I automatically are in awe because we have so many similar beliefs, are followed with the same people belittling me when once my opinion differs. Then I'm confused and feel icky because we had such a connection at first.
One day your elderly parents will be gone...
Maybe then, you’ll get a glimpse of the fact that they were just people, also victims of their own stories of abuse and disappointments...
You are right; the dissonance is baffling...awareness and knowledge is key.
Awesome video! I'm not sure what kind of boundaries, I should have with my parents. I have boundaries in my head, kind of, but I'm not sure how to communicate them. (there's a tricky reason why, it's kind of complicated) What kinds of boundaries do you have with your narc parents?
I wonder- there is a woman who has a toxic, narcicistic mother and a codependent father. This is a pre-internet era, no one talks about narcissism. She gives up on efforts to break free early in her youth. She is very enmeshed with her partents. And then she has a daughter, as a single parent. They all live together most of the time. What dynamics do you think will be at play when it comes to the daughter?
I was always heavily enmeshed with my mum. I'm 32 now and I went over to her house for dinner. She commanded me to sit down and when I didn't the look on her face, it was eye opening. She wanted me to sit like a dog, pretty sad that I put up with that for more than half my life
Wow thank you!!
Thank you so much for all your videos. I'm reprogramming my mind with subliminals because this is so traumatic for me... completely heartbreaking, no life of my own because of this
You beautiful gentle soul i love you.
Please would you a consider a video on how a partner can support someone with cptsd, especially when the partner still lives with his elderly mom and she uses her health to make him feel guilty. Thank you for helping us all with these videos.
Excellent advice; thank you
I like the way you look to the side then you smile....and those beautiful brown eyes sparkle. You are a most beautiful flower michelle...and I swear your name must be google... because you have everything I've been searching for!!
*Cough* Baby Boomer parents *Cough*
So true , but they don't think I'm healthy.
Thank you for this video. To this day I have weird habits and eat or drink certain things because of my mom. For example my mom loved Coca Cola and disliked Pepsi. I remember her yelling at me because I brought home the wrong soda. Now when I buy a cola I automatically choose Coca Cola every time without thinking about it even though deep down I prefer the sweeter taste of Pepsi. Also you're right that we should research healthy boundaries. My parents acted like they didn't have to respect any boundaries with me just because I was in their house. I know it wouldn't be right for me to walk all over them and do whatever I want but at the same time they used tactics to control me that included not only treating me immorally but crossing legal boundaries as well. One way I'm getting an idea of what healthy boundaries look like is by observing people that have good relationships with their kids (usually the women i date) and see what they do different than my parents.
Love this topic!
Hey Michelle! Can you make a video on the fight Jeannie and Mamma Mai had, there is a video on UA-cam showing a narcissistic parent blaming her daughter. K
Going through this in my life right now and she is so accurate it’s insane
So what zodiac sign is your mom?
Well my covert narcissist is not my real mom but s j.g es a virgo and a life path 7 and all the liw VIBRATION of both sides to both those 2 aspects of her being is so on point mix in the covert narcissist and control freak and some bible thumpen is her
@@seedsoftruth57 i ask Michele.
Thanks, that's helpful. So how to we approach a relationship with them now? How do we reach out to connect? How much about our developing life do we share with them? Should we communicate only by email? should we drop by if they don't reply to the email? Shou7ls we acknowledge what was good that we miss? Should we list what we are angry about, or just drop it?
Being uncomfortable is a must this is a topic you may want to touch base on cause I use to pull back as soon as I would be uncomfortable but that's bond to happen so please if you can and have time to discuss this topic I think that would truly help others like us as well!!! Thanks so much many blessings to you and your family!
That’s such great advice, thank you! My mother kept pushing and I kept consistent. She hated my small new boundaries so much. The contempt for me was overwhelming. Yet I felt sad for her that she has nobody to vent about me because my Dad died and they were complaining to each other a lot. What’s the dynamic that makes me feel bad for her?
Very helpful video. Pleasure more on that topic!
Great video, God bless you