Hello Thrivers!!! I know that recovering from childhood trauma is hard.... but it's so worth the journey. For those that don't have it yet - I have made the PDF I Miss Me & I Want Me Back available for FREE on my website. I'll leave the link here for anyone that want's to check it out: micheleleenieves.mykajabi.com
Hi Michelle, TYSM for your videos. You have helped me so much during my recovery journey and though court over custody. Now I am struggling with coparenting and desperately need guidance. My little ones have an every other weekend schedule and they come home crying over the things he scares them with for not saying I love you back to him. Please make some videos on how to deal with coparenting! Thank you again! 🙏🏼
I feel so bad for my 2 daughters. My ex wife drained my sense of self and I fear she's doing the same to my girls' authenticity. They're living for her messed up emotional needs.
Mine too! Please know you're not a bad person for being affected by that or speaking out about it. I feel like there's a societal taboo against criticizing mothers and it's not right.
I’m 38 years old, five children, two masters degrees. And I believe my parents are both narcs. They still try and hurt me today. It’s so insane that I’m still living my childhood. If I don’t do as they say, my mother retaliates.
Tell her to faak off , she’s spent 38 years faaakin ya , & they know they do it , they act for everyone else Except for you , Do yourself a big favour, & get the faaak out and stay out , focus on your children , tell them their Nan has ‘ the virus ‘ Best of luck
@Pretty Puppy it was very empty and fake. It was like I was watching actors perform throughout my whole life then they would switch to being in abusive and hateful and angry mode behind closed doors.
That means obediently going to an early grave! The ultimate narc wish, and never ending supply, is to annihilate their children before old age kills them off. That way they get to “play” the victim card for the duration, to all unsuspecting and unawakened eyes.
Number 1 on the list is so true and something I've come to notice more often after I learned about narcissistic abuse. My mother can literally tell me in one moment how much she loves and cares about me and suddenly in the blink of an eye, start criticizing and telling me what an awful person I am. Or she would start off at that end the evening before a family gathering and then tell everyone the next day what a wonderful child I am. It's very disturbing to watch when you've been screamed at for no good reason just moments before. Fortunately I'm no longer confused about this after learning the true nature of her behavior.
My parents never said they would be on my side. They would mock or dismiss me if I did need support. The idea that I needed them on my side was considered some kind of joke and that I was just being over dramatic. There were no mixed messages about it. But I will say that romantic partners have done this to me. Telling me they will always be there for me only to abandon me at just the moment I needed them the most. That was hard to sort through
Stay strong. You can become the rock that you need and become a rock for others too. What doesn't kill you irremediably makes you stronger. You just need to accept your past and move forward. All the best!
Wow that is so true and sad. They cannot deal with anyone's problems but their own and need you to focus on THEIR problems too so if you have your own then you are no good to them. They will leave you to avoid the truth that they can't and do not care to help you which fractures their false image and then blame you for their need to bail. They act like you were too much for them ir too needy even though that is typically their role. So disorienting and overwhelming when you already are having a serious problem.
I feel you and people just don't' get it unless they have been there. I had adults in my life dismiss when I tried to explain it to them but once I was older they connected the dots. My mother was a single mom (divorced) who played martyr all the time but the worst was college. She paid lip service to supporting us with no matter what we wanted to study (I wanted to study music and writing and education as a fall back and she dismissed it so I went with English/Education) and how she would support us. Not only did she not give us a penny for college (while collecting child support from my dad and living rent free because he paid the mortgage on the house) She tried to sabotage me by destroying my w2s so I couldn't file my FAFSA and then tried to lie about it and throw her friend under the buss ugg.
This bleeds into siblings too. I told my brother about a nanny job I might get that's perfect for me and the first thing he said was "to play devils advocate.." And then told me about a friend couple he has that doesn't have kids because his wife was a nanny 😳😔 It would have been great if he'd started with "Nice! You'd be so great at that! They'd be lucky to have you!" And then tell me about his friends.... I've noticed this about my family, discouragement and no encouragement. I could make excuses for them and say they say these things to me to help me or be logical~~~encouragement is important too!!! 🤷🏻♀️ Luckily, _I_ know this family would be blessed to have me!
My mom said recently "We LOVE you." And it was like she was trying g to convince me...it was odd. I told her I know they do but I believe the change in me is I don't _need_ it anymore 🤷🏻♀️
Every time I defended a brother or a sister over the one who was lying and falsely accusing because I saw it and wa there to testify the truth, my mother called me the advocate of the poor.
Gosh u are so right on...ive suffered from this my whole life...37 years old and just now clean and sober and see clearly what i need to cut ties with...ive spend my whole life trying to please them and lost myself
I'm turning 37 in a week ... finally got sober four years ago. I still live with them ...no marriage and no children. I was always told by my mother 'never get married. Never have kids. Marry a rich man'... lol confusing.
I’m sending hugs to you. I know that pain. Basically, anything my mother would do, I don’t. And what my father would do, I analyze carefully. He enabled her. I pray hard that ahead of a stressor, I respond with care and don’t react so that embedded malice isn’t repeated by me. EFT combined with The Emotion Code helps a lot. When my Biomax 900 arrives I’ll be EFT’g while using and see how that works out.
I think we had the same mother! The I love you BUT....is a classic narc move, and it states to a young child that love is conditional and ONLY earned if you do whatever the narcissistic parent asks. BUT of course, EVERYTHING is conditional with a narcissistic abuser! You stand on no firm ground, ever!
@Kerry wang she’s listening I’m sure of it but only hearing whatever she wants to hear and doing whatever she wants regardless of your needs and wishes. They have “selective hearing” and extract whatever info they can from you to later hurt you in some way.
I once dated a man my mother introduced me to. He was incredibly mentally and physically abusive; he beat me up and destroyed my belongings; when I broke up with him after 7 months my mother was upset with me and asked me what I had done to trigger his abuse. She said, "you have finally found someone who is good to you and you just cannot stand it." It turns out that this man had a long history of beating women, including his own mother.
I guess she wanted you to experience the wretched experiences that she had. It is puzzling to see your own parents want you to suffer, instead of trying to give you a better life. What a sickening mentality.
I would get so depressed and my step dad would go “what’s wrong with you? Are you bleeding or something?” I once expressed I felt suicidal and my mother hit me across the face for “being selfish”
This is true, they’re “possessed” by an evil spirit or demon is the closest thing to reality. They are pretty much walking hell on this Earth, a blight onto humanity to corrupt society overall and to ruin and destroy families. We fight a spiritual war, it’s far deeper than meets the eye.
@@zofiajaneczek184 Let's not justify them with a demon... He does appear, but only when their meanness and cruelty towards their own child is revealed...
There’s always a hidden agenda you’ll figure out later, on your own. Never underestimate what can happen from neglect , including death. Dateline episode “Open Sea” is a very good example.
I lost conscience in the bottom of a swimming pool. I was 9 years old. My mother saw it and didn't do anything and she could swim. I regained consciousness when my body reached the surface. I guess I didn't drown because my lungs where filled with air and that's why my body floated to the top. No one came to me to ask me if I was ok. I only had to swin a few meters to get to the stairs and get out of the water. Neither my family nor anyone around; everyone went out of the water but stood by the border watching my body going up slowly. When I did EMDR my shoulders and elbows were aching terribly. My mother always tell me how scared she was. No enough to rescue me, get help or get console me once I went out of the water. I was in a kind of shock. The last thing I remember before I lost conscience was a painful lash in my jaw and ears and when I opened my eyes at the surface was a crowd of people yelling but none of my family (my mother was the one closer to me; sitting around a table, socializing) there. I don't remember how long I spent sitting on the highest step of the swimming pool in a state of bedazzlement.
You are describing my dad he is this way double standard always do as he says . Defiently mixed messages ! After I called out my dad's hypocrisy he exploited me . Gaslighting is his favorite thing to do .
Its almost costed me my life and really...i raised myself in life the hard way...emotionally and through trials of mistakes on my own from the lac of mature teaching and love....always maybe finacially supported but not emotianally in any way that was healthy
It was the same way for me. But we made it through and raised ourselves to be all the things they could never be. Wishing you and everyone else all the best!
@@harmonioussoundsofnature my mother and still is so selfish she could care less about the relationship with me and my own kid because she stole my own kid away from me....its all about her selfish needs first
This is spot on! And children raised by people like that carry the same thing into their adult relationships and expect their spouses to bow to their every wish instead of respecting their individuality.
I didn't think there was something wrong with my parents. I thought there was something wrong with me, that nothing I could do was ever 'good enough'. This just made me self-sabotaging, destroying opportunities they provided for a good life. It also made me extremely angry inside. My wasted life. Tragic.
Any family event i was so ambarrassed of them...therefore i would avoid social gatherings with them...even try to cover up there wierdness infront of people so it would not seem like i had weird parents
I avoid my family because they are so badly behaved in public even my son from a young age would be embarrassed by them and wouldn't want to see them x his reaction made me realise how damaged my family were and that my reaction to their bad behaviours were normal x iv also had friends who behaved like them in public as well and he didn't want to see them either x children notice more than we do x
I'm a victim of munchausen syndrome by proxy for 54 years, beside the msbp my mother is a narcissistic psychopath too. Five years ago my mother and family set me up with a corrupt judge, police, CPS and she stole my daughter. My daughter already had PTSD from their abuse but shes had all the munchausen and narcissistic abuse. I'm diagnosed with complex PTSD, depression, anxiety and victim of munchausen. I haven't seen my daughter in over 5 years. I'm broken and have no motivation at all.
Though it's difficult get far away and trust the Lord Jesus will be with her and she will be back with you. In the meantime heal and enjoy life with what you have not what you don't have.
Thank you for this video and explanations, they help me heal myself and rebuilt myself in a way in wich I can be free from this toxic dynamic. I work on myself because I want to be on my own without all this wierd life experiences(gaslighting, wierd attatchement, freezing in imprtant moments) , I do not want to meet the same type of people again and again and again. You are a close figure to me mentally ! 😘 Update... I became aware of my internalized fears and enmeshment. I no longer act on my emotions and urges. I gave up people pleasing and the fear of makeing people upset. I learned how to calm myself and not ruminate anymore. I found out that I have been thaught by my parents to act and feel like a failure and set myself up for misery. I am still working on this because it is a new found out truth.
Michelle, this was very helpful. Especially the part about reflecting back exactly what you are shown with narc parents. My mom was always very bubbly and social, while I've been introverted and reserved all my life. She told me I that I wasnt normal and referred to me as antisocial. In general, my personality could not steer away from what my mom was, or what she believed. Because the second I did, I was "disrespectful" and "ungrateful." As an adult I now know that introversion is normal and I am not flawed in that regard. But it took many years to figure it out because being told you are "not normal," does take a toll.
First and foremost I don't know how you do it but you just described my childhood in more detail than I myself could have. Thank you so much for this video. For years I felt so alone when dealing with all this. I didn't have the understanding and confidence needed to explain this to other people or to defend myself from it properly when it was happening. Watching this felt like getting a warm hug after years of isolation. You are a genuine healer and are amazing at what you do. My doctor diagnosed me with ptsd (among other things) but didn't specify to me if it's the regular kind or cptsd. I assume it's the latter. Honestly I learn way more from this channel than from government assigned mental health workers. It seems like all they want to do is give me pills and send me on my way. I'm going to take your advice and research cptsd further so I can continue to work through it. Right now my problem is that I want to confront my parents and ex wife with all this information and call them out for being narcissists. I know I should move on with my life and let the anger go but I just can't yet. I'm working on it though. Thanks again for this video. I can't even put into words how much you've helped me already.
Yes I am in 12 step recovery from prescription drugs. I can now see so much. The recovering drug addict is the healthiest one in the family!. I learned this at rehab . 💜
thank you Michele for a wonderful video. I use to watch your vid all the time when I was going through my healing journey, but now that I'm doing better, I stop by your channel to recharge once a while. I remember when I first learned about Narcissism I was questioning my own self, thinking maybe I was the narc here. but as you mentioned, they want us to think like them. but luckily when I started healing, I realized I'm nothing like them. I'm so happy I found my soul again. I can't believe my own mother faked her love for me. no wonder I felt more connection to my dog and cat. they cared about me more than my own mother. I can laugh about it now! but it wasn't funny when I was going through it.
All of what you share is true. I watched my ex-wife claim to love our children, but would encourage them to disrespect their father. She would constantly encourage them to do things that made no sense at all, and I would be constantly left with the task of redirecting our children to do things that was constructive and emotionally healthy. I was left to establish the healthy boundaries of discipline in the household. She would encourage them to do things that were not good or appropriate for them at all. I ended up being the bad guy and she would tell the children that I did not love them, because I set healthy boundaries for them. She would encourage them to do inappropriate things, and then would not tell me what she did; so when I got involved they saw me as being unloving because I interfered with what they were doing. She appeared like the hero, because she would reward their bad behavior or would tell them I was being too harsh, when I was not. I never understood why my wife would encourage the children to do things that would harm them. So my children are now adults and see me as being the unloving parent, and they are totally confused about what “unconditional love” actually means, and what it entails. Each of our children had to go through experiences that were totally unnecessary.😔
If you are raised in an extended huge familiy it has advantages like me. There was always someone around so I used to seek comfort by my uncle who was like a rock despite his responsible always had time and was a very loving & caring person you felt secure, a real leader the bos of the clan but in a positive way. Unfortunately he passed away to early. There is no person like him and I named my grandson after him. A positive side note 💝👨👩👧👧👨👩👧👧👨👩👧👧💝
True. My father, my mother and my mother were like this triangle of emotional mess and wreck. My uncle (who I share my 2nd last name with) is the one I consider like my dad, because he has always been there as mentor and support just when I needed him. Meanwhile my dad was too busy being a BPD prop to his narcissistic sister A (who used him as a replacement for her own dad), and my mother was busy being a narcissistic mother to my BPD sister (i.e she hated her own daughter because of her physical resemblance to my dad's Sister A and has always punished her for it). I've also been sheltered from this drama because I was a nerd who spent more time reading books and fictional stories and had no interest in spending time with emotionally exhausting people (like my father, my sister and my mom). I'm also going to name my children after my uncle.
@@mariajmc6557 Lucky you 💖 my uncle's had not only a huge affect on me the whole community hold him high in regard. A majestic presence but a benovelent patriachat. Aunt was a real Lady very spiritual, an amazing couple Ying Yang perfect in Harmony. Thank you for your shining example _()_()__()_
Thanks for this video! Very insightful! I have recently started to examine my own childhood to understand why I kept ending up in abusive relationships... After my mother died.. I started realizing so much... My mother NEVER had my back and nor did my siblings... yet I had such loyalty beyond loyalty to all of them... Wow! This is very validating. Thanks again and God bless you!
This is so on point. I realized the way my mom was way too late and now I am 36 and trying to figure everything out. I realized she is a compulsive liar and the more I tried to get her to be truthful , the more she lied and blamed me. I would give anything to have someone who cared
Well, at least my mother never gave me mixed messages. She told me flat out she did not love me. I knew from an early age she did not have my back and I was on my own. Where it went wrong is I spent way too many years thinking it was my fault and trying to EARN her love. :(
Looking back my mother made it clear she did not love me but as a child even as a teenager I never said that loud I always thought it was me i created this to protected me . When I woke up for the reality i saw how cruel everything was and hurtful.
Looking back my mother made it clear she did not love me but as a child even as a teenager I never said that loud I always thought it was me i created this to protected me . When I woke up for the reality i saw how cruel everything was and
They can do it the other way round. Talk ONLY about how painful it is to see you struggle and suffer, while on the inside, they LOVE that you are going through the same void that is part of them. They impose their void on you through all sorts of set up, then claim to be unable to make things better. They are always the victims and never able to do anything for themselves...so they need you to give a meaning to their vacant lives. My mother literally usurped my identity to get a new life in a new country: she has my documents, she got a job with my documents, she is building a house with the money she gets from that job and telling everyone else that I am the one building the house. She has been so wretchedly envious and jealous of me since my childhood that she once told me "You like to be the center of attention, don't you?!" the very first time I decided to put on make-up on my face at the age of 21. What a supportive b!tch, heh? Basically, she has tried all she could to commoditise my attention so that I would spend my money, time and focus on her needs. But she has failed because I have a larger than life approach to life (thanks to my extended family). I recently sat back and thought about something: "what have I received from her in 35 years of life?" She has sent me peanuts spilled over inside a box 2 years ago and any favour I have asked her (like getting me a piece of land or even sewing my clothes) she has failed to do. This is a woman who is making thousand of euros each month for the past 2 years using my documents and my bank account. Even better, she recently suggested that I should take care of my disabled sister (that she has always neglected and failed to cater for) and adopt her. Yet, she is also the one complaining that every body is mocking her because I don't have children (yet). I'm just over her greed, stupidity and retardation. Nowadays I'm waiting for her to go back to Africa and rot over there so that I don't have to hear no care about her anymore. The narcs always operate on a deadline and hers is going to come very soon. All is well.
"Ruminating and making sacrifices on the behalf of the parents as a child was not living, and doesn't allow for authenticity," Michele. Cptsd, which I had at a very young age, added to the challenge of day to day living of ruminating and sacrificing. These factors made it easy for others, parents and siblings both, to manipulate, control and discourage any signs of life in me, as a child, teen, and adult. This same control mechanism made sure I didn't work creatively in any other area or express a talent other than the ones prescribed to me specifically. All in all this did create a real loner, isolation and passivity in my style of relating to life and the family group, and it did begin when I was a very young child. When I was a teenager, I was told by a parent that spending to much time with teenagers my own age wasn't healthy. They encouraged me to hang out with older brothers friends. Obviously that was inappropriate, but now it seems like that was their parental pattern and style to deny me any peer groups. It was effective, as it did cause me to continue to live a life, being the adult in every situation, regardless of my age. This adult projection must have been a narcissistic way for them to continue on with their unending childhood status delusions. This is narcissistic projection on a huge size, and on a long standing scale, in my humble opinion. Michele's work informs, but often it confirms first. That's a sign of the Holy Spirit of God. Further her information sharing continues to culminate into an amazing validation of my real life experience. Working with this information is a true gift, and a gift that is deeply reassuring. Ecclesiastes 9:4-6, "Where there is life, there is hope".
The worst thing for me was being told by my narc mother: “You bring it all on yourself,” after enduring persistent bullying in school, and at home. She was the bully at home, then I got bullied by classmates at an all girls school. It was like a two-front war. Then I was left to deal with that all on my own.
Yes o was often questioning or challenged with “well you must have done something for them to behave that way...what did you do?” To which id again explain the situation and they would somehow take the other persons Side always. I didn’t know it then what was happening but I just knew it “frustrated” me and felt like an argument instead of help.
I am an extremely authentic person and want nothing but depth and 100 pure truth from information that I find and from friends. My parents did not encourage authenticity , nor expression of self. They had no role models and no parenting skills. TV was the 3rd parent. I had a full time stay at home mom, with no parenting skills. But, as an adult, after and during college I quested for , and dove into a huge amount of self education, reading a great deal. So, for me , the pendulum swung the other way as an adult. I have learned that my mom was a covert narcissist and dad had a closed heart. Nice people socially. I am in my sixtes, very self aware, self realized, happy empowered, and balanced. I never had any desire to have children. I views that as slavery and something that would rob me of my treasured freedom that I never had until adulthood b/c my parents were hard core strict. I continually have dogs instead of children. My dogs are are amazing. If more people could be like dogs!
Then as i got older...my own mother minipulated her way into bribing and taking my own daughter away from me and made it seem like i was the problem whem it was really her...bought her excessive amounts of gifts and never let me see her..yet she would say i was an unfit father...
@@michellehenderson3132 same here. The mother of my kid just recently got arrested for getting her to make a false statment about me as well....carma got her and with all that said....ive been clean and sober a year and gave my life to god..
Yup sounds like my mother! Manipulates my son with gifts and threatened to call CPS because I gave him organic food! Lol! It’s now silly. But one thing she succeeded at was ruining my marriage. In the end, she won
The rules only apply to the scapegoat. Watch them tell you one thing and the golden child get away with it. They don't even pay attention to the invisible child. It's sick as a child you learn by like 5 love is conditional. But you're constantly told you're loved unconditionally. Love is withheld from you until you do what the narcs want. Then when you're older they tell you love yourself, you're worth so much more, believe in yourself. Okay did you forget you programmed me to be this way? I send love and light to all my scapegoats❤.
About "You can insult me but not my child" thing, my mom who told me to suck it up and not be so ... while my grandmom insulted my appearance and some other things daily as a 2 y/o, threw a tantrum that one time when grandmom insulted her appearance along with mine, we moved out of their place and my mom told everyone it was bc "I couldn't bear it anymore. They ruined the child's psychology.". That's narcissistic parenting for you.
I use to watch your videos a couple years back and they helped in a huge way you have no idea...now present today, you are still helping me with your message and knowledge, thank you Michele ❤
This was a concise, accurate video. My parents never had my back and in fact usually sided with anyone 'against' me. My mother especially. There were a lot of behaviors that weren't exactly overtly abusive, but can only be compared to the analogy of lying by omission. For example, I'm not going to directly tell you you're worthless, but I will not do things I should to imply it and even then the implication is all in your imagination. Gaslighting to the hilt. She is a covert narcissist. She's always been seen as some sort of great person out in the world but at home was oftentimes a complete nightmare. She'd lock herself in her room, watch television and eat Oreos all night instead of asking how my day was or offering to help me with my homework. All she ever did was complain about what I didn't do growing up and diminished any of my achievements, trying to make me feel like I was worthless. I knew something was wrong with her but felt entirely alone and had no help from other trustworthy adults.
The timing of this video is uncanny. Long time viewer, first time commenting, because this is me--the kid who was not sure if I was adopted, or a mistake, or maybe both--scapegoated everywhere, well into my 40s. I watch these videos as a supplement to therapy, and they help me discuss my experiences easier. I want to share something I just learned before this video came up. I feel that it might help anyone else stuck where I was... People always told me to 'be grateful', and I couldn't understand why or what I had to 'be grateful' for. That's mostly in regards to my childhood, and how I turned out as an adult. It felt insensitive and dismissive to be told that by people who never knew me, nor what happened. Just now I got what they mean, and I have a response... Gratitude surprisingly flows freely, and in huge amounts from me in all directions, when I feel I can trust my core support network first. This video came up immediately after a phoned check-in ended. The therapist remarked about how I 'sounded grateful' while saying so. That's really weird for me. I didn't realize until now that I've been saying it during almost every appointment since starting with them. People mean well by telling you to 'be grateful', though they won't know the rest. It's ok to say that you need a solid starting point first; a hydro plant can't generate power when it barely got a trickle to fill up its reservoirs in the first place. I think that my core supports got me tapping the proper resources. Hopefully getting my energy back will mean that my turbine generators are finally starting to spin. (I've felt mentally better for a while, still tackling the burnout.) I'm also grateful for these videos, and the helpful comment from emerging thrivers. Thank you!
Thank you so much for the work that you do. Everything you mentioned, I relate to. It made me aware of my wounds and brought deep emotions back. I always felt incapable and defective. I think I finally found words and explanations to the hurt that I’ve been experiencing throughout my entire life. This is so valuable, and I want to send you much gratitude. Thank you for being a voice to the victims of overlooked and unseen trauma.
I'm glad there's a path out and recognition of this type of abuse. Back in the day I was always ostracized for being vocal about the abuse that was going on in my family. In my case, it's a lifelong healing process, but at least I know there's a way towards freedom if I continue to put the work into it.
My narcissistic ex girlfriend doesn't parent our kid. She never makes sure the kid does his homework. Our son fails school all year every year. Now he's in high school. He doesn't get hatred from the narc. He gets love bombed, with a serious lack of parenting to instill the right things in him. My kid isn't slow, he just spends too much time playing video games at his mom's. 2 years ago, I had to take care of our son because the exgirlfriend narc had a heavy drug problem, so we went to cps trials in juvenile court. Ex got visitation with the kid every single weekend for a year and a half, during my temporary custody. I couldn't have one weekend with my kid. My ex messes with my visitation to this day. But out of an entire school year, she only made sure our kid did his weekend homework about 3 times. Then she lied about it in court, saying she didn't have him doing his homework because his homework was through the computer and she doesn't have internet. I exposed that lie in cps court, because his work was only in text books and worksheets and not on a computer. The kid brought his backpack to her home every weekend full of his textbooks and homework and never did it. So the ex had to spend another 1/2 year without her kid at her home because of her lies, and not taking care of the kid's needs. Even after the year long cps case, the ex was granted custody after the school year was over. But ex still continued to make sure her son never did his homework, basically taught to have bad study habits and bad grades. What the ex does to the kid doesn't reflect on or hurt me. All she's doing is hurting the kid and his future, and uses lies and excuses to cover it up. Now that the ex has regained her full custody, nothing has changed. She never checks to see if the kid did his homework. She doesn't care at all. It's a weird game she plays with her kid's life. It's like the ex is purposely creating our son to be a failure, instead of keeping up on his responsibilities. My son did quite well in school while living with me, and would've done great if he were able to complete his homework while in his mom's care. But the lack of parenting there, really brought his grades down. Well I can't undo everything the ex does, but I do have the kid doing his homework at my house. That is, when the kid isn't lying about having homework. My kid has been in high school half a year now, and couldn't tell me what school he was going to until a week ago and half the school year is over. Because of covid, easy half-day homeschooling is what he gets, and the kid can hardly do that now. The kid had "forgot" his password to the internet school site to be able to check his grades and missing assignments. It took this kid 2 months to stop the lying and pretending and reset his password to get a new password. Of course he's failing most classes. All I could do was make sure he did his work, catch up on what assignments he could, and encourage him to do better, and make sure he has goals for the future like graduating on time, a job/career, some college. I see he has positive goals for his life that he wants to accomplish and is starting to look at the bigger picture. But unfortunately, his mom will never help get him there. The real sad part is he thinks his mom actually really cares.
“They have our back.” “They tell us things for our own good.” “They know best.” “They love us unconditionally.” I’ve been No Contact with BOTH parents for several years now. Both parents are narcissistic, with one playing the role of the lead narcissist while the other “enables,” or vice versa. My parents successfully convinced me that I am fundamentally bad, wrong, and not deserving of love or respect. Until I went No Contact with my parents, I actually believed them. Then I went No Contact, nothing happened to me, and still my parents tried to contact me with the SAME mixed messages you mentioned. This time I magically did NOT believe ANYTHING my parents said. Thanks !! This video made my day and I would play this video for anyone who asks me why I went No Contact with my parents, even though it has been several years, MANY people know that I walked away from my parents, and NOBODY has asked me why 😎
Michelle, thank you so much for doing this video! There is not enough information out there regarding how to help your children overcome these Horrendous mixed messages they receive . The same messages were given to me in my marriage . I’m a grown adult and it was so confusing!!!! I worry so much about my children. Please make more videos that are similar to this… This has given me tools & strategies to parent with purpose & address these struggles that I know internally they continue to face with the other parent. Never a day Or moment that I regret taking myself and my children out of that environment!!! At least 50% of the time I can focus on sending a healthy & consistent message. Happy Valentines Day Thrivers !!! I’d rather be buying my own flowers any day !!! 😊 🌹💐🌸🌼🌻
Wow thank you Michele this is as always very on point thank you so much for the link to sign up for free your helping me much more than any other psychologists or therapists I´ve seen I´m lucky I met nevrologist that understands these dynamics because of her own childhood I think she´s still in the process of healing
"If I beat you is for your own good, If I insult you is to discipline you and if you did not approve then it is your problem but you should do what I asked because I know better and if you did anything wrong then you deserve to be punished"
My frustrated 8 yr old flat out told her mother last week…”Mommy, like you just don’t make sense when you are talking to me”. It wasn’t out of disrespect. Honestly she didn’t realize the amount of truth she was putting out there. My heart breaks when the narc makes it a point to pass on her arrested development to her own daughters. 40 yr old mom isn’t on the same communication level as her 8 and 10 yr old. Sad.
Yeah. I went off on this woman in March because this woman said something to my son. I was like no ma'am, we are not going to do that. She blew the situation out of proportion.
Same here and it will be 5 years of NC for me this October. It’s bittersweet as there is little refuge, support, or understanding for survivors of this. Society is hell bent on victim blaming and shaming and not so much healing past wounds. The past makes our future and present.
@@zofiajaneczek184 agreed on all points. I've only been no contact for 6 months so it is disheartening that you still struggle with the post effects. The only people that will give you any kind of support are survivors of this hell on earth I think and maybe Jesus.
Hi Michelle, this video is great, my ex husband is a covert narcissist and our 5 year old has been truly confused with his mixed messages, like you said he says one thing but his actions are different, at this age how can I explain to her in simple terms this confusion she is having?
The saddest thing of all is when we know they’re mixed messages, when we are bold enough and actually walk away, but there are still these stupid enablers they tell us that our parents really love us and are really telling us for our betterment. These enablers were not there when the abuse was taking place, but they still act as if they know what they’re talking about.
What do you suggest as a parallel parent for your kids going through this? I'm currently going the route of therapy for the kids and also I'm affirming who they are and encouraging them to speak up and teaching them about such people through public figures.
Yes. My mother always made me feel shame based off of poor choices I made. Some of it could have been prevented if she talked to me about some things. You can still have issues of course and make poor choices regardless. But prayerfully you will learn from them, but they way they teach you. You can't and won't really learn from your mistakes. It leaves you in a state of dysfunction, until you learn differently and evolve.
The saddest part is that children raised by narcs often become narcs themselves, or go on to marry a narc, and the disorder just never stops destroying. This is why there are cult-like families full of narcs.
BLESS YOU ALL AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SHARING COMMENTS... NOW I KNOW IT WASN'T ME AND IT WASN'T YOU!! BUT WE WERE ABUSED BY A PARENT WHO SHOULD HAVE LOVED US AND WE ARE WORTHY OF BEING LOVED!! 💝💝💝
I see even as of today my family is so divided and never will really experiecne real love with eachother....its always about the material which is not a healty dynamic family cirlce
@@taralilarose1 for example...my narc mother still is only concerned about her relationship with my own kid not my own...shes selfish and tried to make up and spoil my own kid into beliving she was a good mother after all her abuse to me. Now my own kid thinks im a bad guy and has stolen her away from me. Even the real mother got my own kid to make a false statement about me which almost costed me my life...
Hello Thrivers!!! I know that recovering from childhood trauma is hard.... but it's so worth the journey. For those that don't have it yet - I have made the PDF I Miss Me & I Want Me Back available for FREE on my website. I'll leave the link here for anyone that want's to check it out: micheleleenieves.mykajabi.com
Unconditional ❤️ love.
Hi Michelle, TYSM for your videos. You have helped me so much during my recovery journey and though court over custody. Now I am struggling with coparenting and desperately need guidance. My little ones have an every other weekend schedule and they come home crying over the things he scares them with for not saying I love you back to him. Please make some videos on how to deal with coparenting! Thank you again! 🙏🏼
People who have never grew up in Narc families have been so blessed.
Amen
I'm so sure 90 percent pf people have been by narcs parents etc.......stay away from toxic people !!!!#
Yes, agreed.
I feel so bad for my 2 daughters. My ex wife drained my sense of self and I fear she's doing the same to my girls' authenticity. They're living for her messed up emotional needs.
@@reinvent1490 sorry you going through this
I was fooled for so long because my love for my parents outweighed my own love for my self and I didn’t want to challenge their fragile egos
They took advantage of the child, parent relationship.
Yup
Exactly 🙌🏻
THAT part!
My mother couldn't explain anything. She would rant and scream and get violent. Made me realize she was insane.
That sounds exactly like something a narcissist would do. I can also personally relate to this (I have a narc for a mother).
Mine too! Please know you're not a bad person for being affected by that or speaking out about it. I feel like there's a societal taboo against criticizing mothers and it's not right.
Mine too. Nmom actually realized that I was always sure she was a dumbo.
Same here!
I’m 38 years old, five children, two masters degrees. And I believe my parents are both narcs. They still try and hurt me today. It’s so insane that I’m still living my childhood. If I don’t do as they say, my mother retaliates.
Why do you let her? ONLY YOU can stop taking abuse. Set a good example for your kids and don't allow yourself to be bullied any longer!
Tell her to faak off , she’s spent 38 years faaakin ya , & they know they do it , they act for everyone else Except for you ,
Do yourself a big favour, & get the faaak out and stay out , focus on your children , tell them their Nan has ‘ the virus ‘
Best of luck
@@burkaboy1 - LOL!!!, but so true.
If you choose to keep contact, you'll need to learn a lot to handle them and keep your children safe.
I knew something was wrong with my parents from a young age.
I really feel that's how many or most children are able to live through it all and survive.
Yeah I wish all of this education was around in high school.
@@decemberlotus Yeah. I really wish kids in middle school/high school were able to get help and resources like these when they desperately needed it.
@@decemberlotus or even elementary school.
@Pretty Puppy it was very empty and fake. It was like I was watching actors perform throughout my whole life then they would switch to being in abusive and hateful and angry mode behind closed doors.
“If you love me, you’d do what I tell you to do”
That means obediently going to an early grave! The ultimate narc wish, and never ending supply, is to annihilate their children before old age kills them off. That way they get to “play” the victim card for the duration, to all unsuspecting and unawakened eyes.
Lol....sounds just like my npd mom
Number 1 on the list is so true and something I've come to notice more often after I learned about narcissistic abuse. My mother can literally tell me in one moment how much she loves and cares about me and suddenly in the blink of an eye, start criticizing and telling me what an awful person I am. Or she would start off at that end the evening before a family gathering and then tell everyone the next day what a wonderful child I am. It's very disturbing to watch when you've been screamed at for no good reason just moments before. Fortunately I'm no longer confused about this after learning the true nature of her behavior.
When my husband was abusing me, my mother literally blamed me for being "too emotional", but still claims she has always been there for me.
Same
My parents never said they would be on my side. They would mock or dismiss me if I did need support. The idea that I needed them on my side was considered some kind of joke and that I was just being over dramatic. There were no mixed messages about it. But I will say that romantic partners have done this to me. Telling me they will always be there for me only to abandon me at just the moment I needed them the most. That was hard to sort through
Stay strong.
You can become the rock that you need and become a rock for others too.
What doesn't kill you irremediably makes you stronger. You just need to accept your past and move forward.
All the best!
Wow that is so true and sad. They cannot deal with anyone's problems but their own and need you to focus on THEIR problems too so if you have your own then you are no good to them. They will leave you to avoid the truth that they can't and do not care to help you which fractures their false image and then blame you for their need to bail. They act like you were too much for them ir too needy even though that is typically their role. So disorienting and overwhelming when you already are having a serious problem.
That's exactly what they do. I experienced the same thing. They love to watch you suffer, despite how much they say 'they love you '
I feel you and people just don't' get it unless they have been there. I had adults in my life dismiss when I tried to explain it to them but once I was older they connected the dots. My mother was a single mom (divorced) who played martyr all the time but the worst was college. She paid lip service to supporting us with no matter what we wanted to study (I wanted to study music and writing and education as a fall back and she dismissed it so I went with English/Education) and how she would support us. Not only did she not give us a penny for college (while collecting child support from my dad and living rent free because he paid the mortgage on the house) She tried to sabotage me by destroying my w2s so I couldn't file my FAFSA and then tried to lie about it and throw her friend under the buss ugg.
This bleeds into siblings too. I told my brother about a nanny job I might get that's perfect for me and the first thing he said was "to play devils advocate.."
And then told me about a friend couple he has that doesn't have kids because his wife was a nanny 😳😔 It would have been great if he'd started with "Nice! You'd be so great at that! They'd be lucky to have you!" And then tell me about his friends....
I've noticed this about my family, discouragement and no encouragement. I could make excuses for them and say they say these things to me to help me or be logical~~~encouragement is important too!!!
🤷🏻♀️ Luckily, _I_ know this family would be blessed to have me!
My mom said recently "We LOVE you." And it was like she was trying g to convince me...it was odd. I told her I know they do but I believe the change in me is I don't _need_ it anymore 🤷🏻♀️
Every time I defended a brother or a sister over the one who was lying and falsely accusing because I saw it and wa there to testify the truth, my mother called me the advocate of the poor.
Gosh u are so right on...ive suffered from this my whole life...37 years old and just now clean and sober and see clearly what i need to cut ties with...ive spend my whole life trying to please them and lost myself
Goood job
Keep it going!!!!!
Good job!
I'm turning 37 in a week ... finally got sober four years ago. I still live with them ...no marriage and no children. I was always told by my mother 'never get married. Never have kids. Marry a rich man'... lol confusing.
You are describing my parents. Every word you said resonated with me it's been 42 years and they still abuse me but I do grey rock now
Good
I was mocked at home for crying after chronic school bullying.
So sad! Toxic parents do not deserve to have children. I'm so sorry that happened to you!!!
God bless you
That’s so cruel
I’m sending hugs to you. I know that pain. Basically, anything my mother would do, I don’t. And what my father would do, I analyze carefully. He enabled her.
I pray hard that ahead of a stressor, I respond with care and don’t react so that embedded malice isn’t repeated by me. EFT combined with The Emotion Code helps a lot.
When my Biomax 900 arrives I’ll be EFT’g while using and see how that works out.
I was told it must be something I’m doing to cause it. I tried to keep everything hidden after that.
My mother often started a sentence with “I love you, BUT...”
I think we had the same mother! The I love you BUT....is a classic narc move, and it states to a young child that love is conditional and ONLY earned if you do whatever the narcissistic parent asks. BUT of course, EVERYTHING is conditional with a narcissistic abuser! You stand on no firm ground, ever!
@Kerry wang she’s listening I’m sure of it but only hearing whatever she wants to hear and doing whatever she wants regardless of your needs and wishes. They have “selective hearing” and extract whatever info they can from you to later hurt you in some way.
Ouch.
MICHELE YOU ARE ONE OF MOST BEAUTIFUL WOMEN IN THE WORLD!!! GOD BLESS YOU.
She sure is! Beautiful and smart
I agree! ❤️💕❤️💕
Facts
I agree. Thanx 4 being you!
Their words and actions never matched.
I once dated a man my mother introduced me to. He was incredibly mentally and physically abusive; he beat me up and destroyed my belongings; when I broke up with him after 7 months my mother was upset with me and asked me what I had done to trigger his abuse.
She said, "you have finally found someone who is good to you and you just cannot stand it."
It turns out that this man had a long history of beating women, including his own mother.
I am very sorry about that. You mother seems nastier than that abusive partner, to me at least.
I guess she wanted you to experience the wretched experiences that she had.
It is puzzling to see your own parents want you to suffer, instead of trying to give you a better life. What a sickening mentality.
That's horrible l'm so sorry l once had a similar situation they're sic.
Thank you so much! I had one grandmother who was my "safe place" but this information is SPOT ON for my narcissistic mom and codependent dad.
Thank you for having a voice for the silenced.
The people who didn’t like this are probably narcissists 😂😂
I would get so depressed and my step dad would go “what’s wrong with you? Are you bleeding or something?”
I once expressed I felt suicidal and my mother hit me across the face for “being selfish”
I am so sorry been there
@@SunandSunflowers it is alright. There are better days ahead.
💜
Every time I showed any emotions one of my sisters would say that I did it to call attention...so I couldn't complaint, cry, feel sad...
Oofff bruh what- sorry but what she had done Was just dumb 🤦🏻♀️
Show me a narcissist and I'll show you the devil.
This is true, they’re “possessed” by an evil spirit or demon is the closest thing to reality. They are pretty much walking hell on this Earth, a blight onto humanity to corrupt society overall and to ruin and destroy families. We fight a spiritual war, it’s far deeper than meets the eye.
Demonic Jezebel spirit. Yes !! God Bless
@@zofiajaneczek184 Let's not justify them with a demon... He does appear, but only when their meanness and cruelty towards their own child is revealed...
There’s always a hidden agenda you’ll figure out later, on your own. Never underestimate what can happen from neglect , including death. Dateline episode “Open Sea” is a very good example.
I lost conscience in the bottom of a swimming pool. I was 9 years old. My mother saw it and didn't do anything and she could swim. I regained consciousness when my body reached the surface. I guess I didn't drown because my lungs where filled with air and that's why my body floated to the top. No one came to me to ask me if I was ok. I only had to swin a few meters to get to the stairs and get out of the water. Neither my family nor anyone around; everyone went out of the water but stood by the border watching my body going up slowly.
When I did EMDR my shoulders and elbows were aching terribly.
My mother always tell me how scared she was. No enough to rescue me, get help or get console me once I went out of the water. I was in a kind of shock.
The last thing I remember before I lost conscience was a painful lash in my jaw and ears and when I opened my eyes at the surface was a crowd of people yelling but none of my family (my mother was the one closer to me; sitting around a table, socializing) there. I don't remember how long I spent sitting on the highest step of the swimming pool in a state of bedazzlement.
You are describing my dad he is this way double standard always do as he says . Defiently mixed messages ! After I called out my dad's hypocrisy he exploited me . Gaslighting is his favorite thing to do .
Its almost costed me my life and really...i raised myself in life the hard way...emotionally and through trials of mistakes on my own from the lac of mature teaching and love....always maybe finacially supported but not emotianally in any way that was healthy
You are strong
🌟
It was the same way for me. But we made it through and raised ourselves to be all the things they could never be. Wishing you and everyone else all the best!
@@harmonioussoundsofnature my mother and still is so selfish she could care less about the relationship with me and my own kid because she stole my own kid away from me....its all about her selfish needs first
@@d33boi53 I'm very sorry to hear that. Nobody deserves that. All the best for you and your future - stay strong!
There is never -ending ruminating and thinking ahead dealing with narc parents
This is spot on! And children raised by people like that carry the same thing into their adult relationships and expect their spouses to bow to their every wish instead of respecting their individuality.
I didn't think there was something wrong with my parents. I thought there was something wrong with me, that nothing I could do was ever 'good enough'. This just made me self-sabotaging, destroying opportunities they provided for a good life. It also made me extremely angry inside. My wasted life. Tragic.
I can never agree with them or be on the same page...its caused so much emotional pain..which caused drug use in my past...and emotional disconnnect
Do not connect your selfworth with how they treat you you are a good person
Yes, I still struggle even though I am on my own.
Any family event i was so ambarrassed of them...therefore i would avoid social gatherings with them...even try to cover up there wierdness infront of people so it would not seem like i had weird parents
Sweet how are yoh now?
I avoid my family because they are so badly behaved in public even my son from a young age would be embarrassed by them and wouldn't want to see them x his reaction made me realise how damaged my family were and that my reaction to their bad behaviours were normal x iv also had friends who behaved like them in public as well and he didn't want to see them either x children notice more than we do x
I'm a victim of munchausen syndrome by proxy for 54 years, beside the msbp my mother is a narcissistic psychopath too. Five years ago my mother and family set me up with a corrupt judge, police, CPS and she stole my daughter. My daughter already had PTSD from their abuse but shes had all the munchausen and narcissistic abuse. I'm diagnosed with complex PTSD, depression, anxiety and victim of munchausen. I haven't seen my daughter in over 5 years. I'm broken and have no motivation at all.
Though it's difficult get far away and trust the Lord Jesus will be with her and she will be back with you. In the meantime heal and enjoy life with what you have not what you don't have.
@@mariajmc6557 thank you so much for your kind words. I'm working on it.
Thank you for this video and explanations, they help me heal myself and rebuilt myself in a way in wich I can be free from this toxic dynamic.
I work on myself because I want to be on my own without all this wierd life experiences(gaslighting, wierd attatchement, freezing in imprtant moments) , I do not want to meet the same type of people again and again and again.
You are a close figure to me mentally ! 😘
Update...
I became aware of my internalized fears and enmeshment.
I no longer act on my emotions and urges.
I gave up people pleasing and the fear of makeing people upset. I learned how to calm myself and not ruminate anymore.
I found out that I have been thaught by my parents to act and feel like a failure and set myself up for misery. I am still working on this because it is a new found out truth.
👍👍👍
Michelle, this was very helpful. Especially the part about reflecting back exactly what you are shown with narc parents. My mom was always very bubbly and social, while I've been introverted and reserved all my life. She told me I that I wasnt normal and referred to me as antisocial. In general, my personality could not steer away from what my mom was, or what she believed. Because the second I did, I was "disrespectful" and "ungrateful."
As an adult I now know that introversion is normal and I am not flawed in that regard. But it took many years to figure it out because being told you are "not normal," does take a toll.
Narcissists be like: "because it isn't bad I'm a good person really I do it to amuse myself not because I like people suffering."
True
*Awesome video ❤️*
*Sidenote: the plants are so lovely*
First and foremost I don't know how you do it but you just described my childhood in more detail than I myself could have. Thank you so much for this video. For years I felt so alone when dealing with all this. I didn't have the understanding and confidence needed to explain this to other people or to defend myself from it properly when it was happening. Watching this felt like getting a warm hug after years of isolation. You are a genuine healer and are amazing at what you do.
My doctor diagnosed me with ptsd (among other things) but didn't specify to me if it's the regular kind or cptsd. I assume it's the latter. Honestly I learn way more from this channel than from government assigned mental health workers. It seems like all they want to do is give me pills and send me on my way. I'm going to take your advice and research cptsd further so I can continue to work through it.
Right now my problem is that I want to confront my parents and ex wife with all this information and call them out for being narcissists. I know I should move on with my life and let the anger go but I just can't yet. I'm working on it though.
Thanks again for this video. I can't even put into words how much you've helped me already.
I realized now that im clean...i see from my initial family...the whole circle of my friends and theres were all the same....judgemental and fake...
Verry good
Yes I am in 12 step recovery from prescription drugs. I can now see so much. The recovering drug addict is the healthiest one in the family!. I learned this at rehab . 💜
@@tigress725 no shit!!....isnt that crazy ...same here...and all this time everyone bad mouthed me now theyll be wanting counsiling from me..lmao
thank you Michele for a wonderful video. I use to watch your vid all the time when I was going through my healing journey, but now that I'm doing better, I stop by your channel to recharge once a while. I remember when I first learned about Narcissism I was questioning my own self, thinking maybe I was the narc here. but as you mentioned, they want us to think like them. but luckily when I started healing, I realized I'm nothing like them. I'm so happy I found my soul again. I can't believe my own mother faked her love for me. no wonder I felt more connection to my dog and cat. they cared about me more than my own mother. I can laugh about it now! but it wasn't funny when I was going through it.
All of what you share is true. I watched my ex-wife claim to love our children, but would encourage them to disrespect their father. She would constantly encourage them to do things that made no sense at all, and I would be constantly left with the task of redirecting our children to do things that was constructive and emotionally healthy.
I was left to establish the healthy boundaries of discipline in the household. She would encourage them to do things that were not good or appropriate for them at all.
I ended up being the bad guy and she would tell the children that I did not love them, because I set healthy boundaries for them. She would encourage them to do inappropriate things, and then would not tell me what she did; so when I got involved they saw me as being unloving because I interfered with what they were doing. She appeared like the hero, because she would reward their bad behavior or would tell them I was being too harsh, when I was not.
I never understood why my wife would encourage the children to do things that would harm them.
So my children are now adults and see me as being the unloving parent, and they are totally confused about what “unconditional love” actually means, and what it entails.
Each of our children had to go through experiences that were totally unnecessary.😔
Wow! You just explained my childhood in 20 min!!!
If you are raised in an extended huge familiy it has advantages like me. There was always someone around so I used to seek comfort by my uncle who was like a rock despite his responsible always had time and was a very loving & caring person you felt secure, a real leader the bos of the clan but in a positive way. Unfortunately he passed away to early. There is no person like him and I named my grandson after him. A positive side note 💝👨👩👧👧👨👩👧👧👨👩👧👧💝
True.
My father, my mother and my mother were like this triangle of emotional mess and wreck.
My uncle (who I share my 2nd last name with) is the one I consider like my dad, because he has always been there as mentor and support just when I needed him.
Meanwhile my dad was too busy being a BPD prop to his narcissistic sister A (who used him as a replacement for her own dad), and my mother was busy being a narcissistic mother to my BPD sister (i.e she hated her own daughter because of her physical resemblance to my dad's Sister A and has always punished her for it).
I've also been sheltered from this drama because I was a nerd who spent more time reading books and fictional stories and had no interest in spending time with emotionally exhausting people (like my father, my sister and my mom).
I'm also going to name my children after my uncle.
I have an uncle like that the Lord Jesus has kept him safe even now for me. Yes my grandson is names after him.
@@mariajmc6557 Lucky you 💖 my uncle's had not only a huge affect on me the whole community hold him high in regard. A majestic presence but a benovelent patriachat. Aunt was a real Lady very spiritual, an amazing couple Ying Yang perfect in Harmony.
Thank you for your shining example _()_()__()_
Thanks for this video! Very insightful! I have recently started to examine my own childhood to understand why I kept ending up in abusive relationships... After my mother died.. I started realizing so much... My mother NEVER had my back and nor did my siblings... yet I had such loyalty beyond loyalty to all of them... Wow! This is very validating. Thanks again and God bless you!
This is so on point. I realized the way my mom was way too late and now I am 36 and trying to figure everything out. I realized she is a compulsive liar and the more I tried to get her to be truthful , the more she lied and blamed me. I would give anything to have someone who cared
Well, at least my mother never gave me mixed messages. She told me flat out she did not love me. I knew from an early age she did not have my back and I was on my own. Where it went wrong is I spent way too many years thinking it was my fault and trying to EARN her love. :(
Looking back my mother made it clear she did not love me but as a child even as a teenager I never said that loud I always thought it was me i created this to protected me . When I woke up
for the reality i saw how cruel everything was and hurtful.
Looking back my mother made it clear she did not love me but as a child even as a teenager I never said that loud I always thought it was me i created this to protected me . When I woke up
for the reality i saw how cruel everything was and
They can do it the other way round. Talk ONLY about how painful it is to see you struggle and suffer, while on the inside, they LOVE that you are going through the same void that is part of them. They impose their void on you through all sorts of set up, then claim to be unable to make things better. They are always the victims and never able to do anything for themselves...so they need you to give a meaning to their vacant lives.
My mother literally usurped my identity to get a new life in a new country: she has my documents, she got a job with my documents, she is building a house with the money she gets from that job and telling everyone else that I am the one building the house. She has been so wretchedly envious and jealous of me since my childhood that she once told me "You like to be the center of attention, don't you?!" the very first time I decided to put on make-up on my face at the age of 21. What a supportive b!tch, heh?
Basically, she has tried all she could to commoditise my attention so that I would spend my money, time and focus on her needs. But she has failed because I have a larger than life approach to life (thanks to my extended family).
I recently sat back and thought about something: "what have I received from her in 35 years of life?" She has sent me peanuts spilled over inside a box 2 years ago and any favour I have asked her (like getting me a piece of land or even sewing my clothes) she has failed to do. This is a woman who is making thousand of euros each month for the past 2 years using my documents and my bank account.
Even better, she recently suggested that I should take care of my disabled sister (that she has always neglected and failed to cater for) and adopt her. Yet, she is also the one complaining that every body is mocking her because I don't have children (yet). I'm just over her greed, stupidity and retardation.
Nowadays I'm waiting for her to go back to Africa and rot over there so that I don't have to hear no care about her anymore. The narcs always operate on a deadline and hers is going to come very soon.
All is well.
😍💝💝💝
Spot on my Dad was the “Narcissist” I was the child on the receiving end of the abuse the best thing I ever did as an adult was to say away from him
Self protection good
@Lady Libra in the past year been weeding out family to discover they all are toxic and my narc dad and step sister sided with ex narc
@@SunandSunflowers Who's your ex narc?
@Lady Libra Yes, but you did that as an adult because that's when you were able to do something like that. What about when you were a child?
@@ceterisparibus8966 why ?
"Ruminating and making sacrifices on the behalf of the parents as a child was not living, and doesn't allow for authenticity," Michele.
Cptsd, which I had at a very young age, added to the challenge of day to day living of ruminating and sacrificing. These factors made it easy for others, parents and siblings both, to manipulate, control and discourage any signs of life in me, as a child, teen, and adult.
This same control mechanism made sure I didn't work creatively in any other area or express a talent other than the ones prescribed to me specifically. All in all this did create a real loner, isolation and passivity in my style of relating to life and the family group, and it did begin when I was a very young child.
When I was a teenager, I was told by a parent that spending to much time with teenagers my own age wasn't healthy. They encouraged me to hang out with older brothers friends. Obviously that was inappropriate, but now it seems like that was their parental pattern and style to deny me any peer groups. It was effective, as it did cause me to continue to live a life, being the adult in every situation, regardless of my age. This adult projection must have been a narcissistic way for them to continue on with their unending childhood status delusions. This is narcissistic projection on a huge size, and on a long standing scale, in my humble opinion.
Michele's work informs, but often it confirms first. That's a sign of the Holy Spirit of God. Further her information sharing continues to culminate into an amazing validation of my real life experience. Working with this information is a true gift, and a gift that is deeply reassuring.
Ecclesiastes 9:4-6, "Where there is life, there is hope".
The worst thing for me was being told by my narc mother: “You bring it all on yourself,” after enduring persistent bullying in school, and at home. She was the bully at home, then I got bullied by classmates at an all girls school. It was like a two-front war. Then I was left to deal with that all on my own.
Yes o was often questioning or challenged with “well you must have done something for them to behave that way...what did you do?” To which id again explain the situation and they would somehow take the other persons Side always. I didn’t know it then what was happening but I just knew it “frustrated” me and felt like an argument instead of help.
You broke this down perfectly 😁 Thank You
I am an extremely authentic person and want nothing but depth and 100 pure truth from information that I find and from friends. My parents did not encourage authenticity , nor expression of self. They had no role models and no parenting skills. TV was the 3rd parent. I had a full time stay at home mom, with no parenting skills. But, as an adult, after and during college I quested for , and dove into a huge amount of self education, reading a great deal. So, for me , the pendulum swung the other way as an adult. I have learned that my mom was a covert narcissist and dad had a closed heart. Nice people socially. I am in my sixtes, very self aware, self realized, happy empowered, and balanced. I never had any desire to have children. I views that as slavery and something that would rob me of my treasured freedom that I never had until adulthood b/c my parents were hard core strict. I continually have dogs instead of children. My dogs are are amazing. If more people could be like dogs!
All the power to you!
Then as i got older...my own mother minipulated her way into bribing and taking my own daughter away from me and made it seem like i was the problem whem it was really her...bought her excessive amounts of gifts and never let me see her..yet she would say i was an unfit father...
How are u now
I understand totally, my daughter was kidnapped by my mother too. My mother convinced dirty Gov workers that I was a unfit mother
@@michellehenderson3132 same here. The mother of my kid just recently got arrested for getting her to make a false statment about me as well....carma got her and with all that said....ive been clean and sober a year and gave my life to god..
Yup sounds like my mother! Manipulates my son with gifts and threatened to call CPS because I gave him organic food! Lol! It’s now silly. But one thing she succeeded at was ruining my marriage. In the end, she won
@@sinful7qt no kidding....gosh...thats just like my mother....
Darn this was so triggering, it brought back how it actually used to feel like 😭
The type who are gold digging, rushing from event to event, showing off on fb are the type to TEACH their children to lie, without a second thought
The rules only apply to the scapegoat. Watch them tell you one thing and the golden child get away with it. They don't even pay attention to the invisible child. It's sick as a child you learn by like 5 love is conditional. But you're constantly told you're loved unconditionally. Love is withheld from you until you do what the narcs want. Then when you're older they tell you love yourself, you're worth so much more, believe in yourself. Okay did you forget you programmed me to be this way? I send love and light to all my scapegoats❤.
Yes! Add that they were an alcoholic as well and you're right messed up.💜
About "You can insult me but not my child" thing, my mom who told me to suck it up and not be so ... while my grandmom insulted my appearance and some other things daily as a 2 y/o, threw a tantrum that one time when grandmom insulted her appearance along with mine, we moved out of their place and my mom told everyone it was bc "I couldn't bear it anymore. They ruined the child's psychology.". That's narcissistic parenting for you.
Wow. My life growing up 100%
I use to watch your videos a couple years back and they helped in a huge way you have no idea...now present today, you are still helping me with your message and knowledge, thank you Michele ❤
Excellent.
This was a concise, accurate video. My parents never had my back and in fact usually sided with anyone 'against' me. My mother especially. There were a lot of behaviors that weren't exactly overtly abusive, but can only be compared to the analogy of lying by omission. For example, I'm not going to directly tell you you're worthless, but I will not do things I should to imply it and even then the implication is all in your imagination. Gaslighting to the hilt. She is a covert narcissist. She's always been seen as some sort of great person out in the world but at home was oftentimes a complete nightmare. She'd lock herself in her room, watch television and eat Oreos all night instead of asking how my day was or offering to help me with my homework. All she ever did was complain about what I didn't do growing up and diminished any of my achievements, trying to make me feel like I was worthless. I knew something was wrong with her but felt entirely alone and had no help from other trustworthy adults.
Great insight again Michelle, thank you. All true, trying to be a better parent everyday despite the abuse we were exposed to. Trusting God 🙏
The timing of this video is uncanny. Long time viewer, first time commenting, because this is me--the kid who was not sure if I was adopted, or a mistake, or maybe both--scapegoated everywhere, well into my 40s. I watch these videos as a supplement to therapy, and they help me discuss my experiences easier.
I want to share something I just learned before this video came up. I feel that it might help anyone else stuck where I was...
People always told me to 'be grateful', and I couldn't understand why or what I had to 'be grateful' for. That's mostly in regards to my childhood, and how I turned out as an adult. It felt insensitive and dismissive to be told that by people who never knew me, nor what happened. Just now I got what they mean, and I have a response...
Gratitude surprisingly flows freely, and in huge amounts from me in all directions, when I feel I can trust my core support network first. This video came up immediately after a phoned check-in ended. The therapist remarked about how I 'sounded grateful' while saying so. That's really weird for me. I didn't realize until now that I've been saying it during almost every appointment since starting with them.
People mean well by telling you to 'be grateful', though they won't know the rest. It's ok to say that you need a solid starting point first; a hydro plant can't generate power when it barely got a trickle to fill up its reservoirs in the first place.
I think that my core supports got me tapping the proper resources. Hopefully getting my energy back will mean that my turbine generators are finally starting to spin.
(I've felt mentally better for a while, still tackling the burnout.)
I'm also grateful for these videos, and the helpful comment from emerging thrivers. Thank you!
Thank you so much for the work that you do. Everything you mentioned, I relate to. It made me aware of my wounds and brought deep emotions back. I always felt incapable and defective. I think I finally found words and explanations to the hurt that I’ve been experiencing throughout my entire life. This is so valuable, and I want to send you much gratitude. Thank you for being a voice to the victims of overlooked and unseen trauma.
Thank you Michele
Some people should not have children
love and light amazing Michele✨💖✨
Well spoken Miss!!!! Toxic folks are delusional and dangerous !!! Iam in love with myself i love being alone .....
Good choice 👍
I'm glad there's a path out and recognition of this type of abuse. Back in the day I was always ostracized for being vocal about the abuse that was going on in my family. In my case, it's a lifelong healing process, but at least I know there's a way towards freedom if I continue to put the work into it.
My narcissistic ex girlfriend doesn't parent our kid. She never makes sure the kid does his homework. Our son fails school all year every year. Now he's in high school. He doesn't get hatred from the narc. He gets love bombed, with a serious lack of parenting to instill the right things in him. My kid isn't slow, he just spends too much time playing video games at his mom's.
2 years ago, I had to take care of our son because the exgirlfriend narc had a heavy drug problem, so we went to cps trials in juvenile court. Ex got visitation with the kid every single weekend for a year and a half, during my temporary custody. I couldn't have one weekend with my kid. My ex messes with my visitation to this day. But out of an entire school year, she only made sure our kid did his weekend homework about 3 times. Then she lied about it in court, saying she didn't have him doing his homework because his homework was through the computer and she doesn't have internet. I exposed that lie in cps court, because his work was only in text books and worksheets and not on a computer. The kid brought his backpack to her home every weekend full of his textbooks and homework and never did it. So the ex had to spend another 1/2 year without her kid at her home because of her lies, and not taking care of the kid's needs.
Even after the year long cps case, the ex was granted custody after the school year was over. But ex still continued to make sure her son never did his homework, basically taught to have bad study habits and bad grades. What the ex does to the kid doesn't reflect on or hurt me. All she's doing is hurting the kid and his future, and uses lies and excuses to cover it up. Now that the ex has regained her full custody, nothing has changed. She never checks to see if the kid did his homework. She doesn't care at all. It's a weird game she plays with her kid's life. It's like the ex is purposely creating our son to be a failure, instead of keeping up on his responsibilities. My son did quite well in school while living with me, and would've done great if he were able to complete his homework while in his mom's care. But the lack of parenting there, really brought his grades down.
Well I can't undo everything the ex does, but I do have the kid doing his homework at my house. That is, when the kid isn't lying about having homework. My kid has been in high school half a year now, and couldn't tell me what school he was going to until a week ago and half the school year is over.
Because of covid, easy half-day homeschooling is what he gets, and the kid can hardly do that now. The kid had "forgot" his password to the internet school site to be able to check his grades and missing assignments. It took this kid 2 months to stop the lying and pretending and reset his password to get a new password. Of course he's failing most classes. All I could do was make sure he did his work, catch up on what assignments he could, and encourage him to do better, and make sure he has goals for the future like graduating on time, a job/career, some college.
I see he has positive goals for his life that he wants to accomplish and is starting to look at the bigger picture. But unfortunately, his mom will never help get him there. The real sad part is he thinks his mom actually really cares.
Stay beautiful!!! Thanx for u service
It's the words not matching the actions that screws you up the most.
Everything you said it makes a lot of sense. Wife do this with my three daughters. So sad:(
“They have our back.” “They tell us things for our own good.” “They know best.” “They love us unconditionally.” I’ve been No Contact with BOTH parents for several years now. Both parents are narcissistic, with one playing the role of the lead narcissist while the other “enables,” or vice versa. My parents successfully convinced me that I am fundamentally bad, wrong, and not deserving of love or respect. Until I went No Contact with my parents, I actually believed them. Then I went No Contact, nothing happened to me, and still my parents tried to contact me with the SAME mixed messages you mentioned. This time I magically did NOT believe ANYTHING my parents said. Thanks !! This video made my day and I would play this video for anyone who asks me why I went No Contact with my parents, even though it has been several years, MANY people know that I walked away from my parents, and NOBODY has asked me why 😎
Michelle, thank you so much for doing this video! There is not enough information out there regarding how to help your children overcome these Horrendous mixed messages they receive . The same messages were given to me in my marriage . I’m a grown adult and it was so confusing!!!! I worry so much about my children. Please make more videos that are similar to this… This has given me tools & strategies to parent with purpose & address these struggles that I know internally they continue to face with the other parent. Never a day Or moment that I regret taking myself and my children out of that environment!!! At least 50% of the time I can focus on sending a healthy & consistent message.
Happy Valentines Day Thrivers !!! I’d rather be buying my own flowers any day !!! 😊 🌹💐🌸🌼🌻
Another truly amazing and helpful video! Thank you.
Loved it very profound ,true n well explained.
Wow thank you Michele this is as always very on point thank you so much for the link to sign up for free your helping me much more than any other psychologists or therapists I´ve seen I´m lucky I met nevrologist that understands these dynamics because of her own childhood I think she´s still in the process of healing
Great video, Michele! Why is UA-cam blocking the growth of your channel? That is so disturbing as your channel is important and amazing!
Thank You 🌹🌹🌹.
I have to work with My daughter as she has really been affected by her narcissistic dad who never gave unconditional love 🙏🙏🙏💕💕💕
So true and this is my biggest fear. I do no want to emotionally neglect or abuse my child.
Spot on.
This video hit me hard. Thank you
"If I beat you is for your own good, If I insult you is to discipline you and if you did not approve then it is your problem but you should do what I asked because I know better and if you did anything wrong then you deserve to be punished"
My frustrated 8 yr old flat out told her mother last week…”Mommy, like you just don’t make sense when you are talking to me”. It wasn’t out of disrespect. Honestly she didn’t realize the amount of truth she was putting out there. My heart breaks when the narc makes it a point to pass on her arrested development to her own daughters.
40 yr old mom isn’t on the same communication level as her 8 and 10 yr old. Sad.
Yeah. I went off on this woman in March because this woman said something to my son. I was like no ma'am, we are not going to do that. She blew the situation out of proportion.
☝️😍👍
We need this/you in 2021 still. Learned a lot from you.
Yeeeee
I still struggle with the side effects
Same here and it will be 5 years of NC for me this October. It’s bittersweet as there is little refuge, support, or understanding for survivors of this. Society is hell bent on victim blaming and shaming and not so much healing past wounds. The past makes our future and present.
@@zofiajaneczek184 agreed on all points. I've only been no contact for 6 months so it is disheartening that you still struggle with the post effects. The only people that will give you any kind of support are survivors of this hell on earth I think and maybe Jesus.
Hi Michelle, this video is great, my ex husband is a covert narcissist and our 5 year old has been truly confused with his mixed messages, like you said he says one thing but his actions are different, at this age how can I explain to her in simple terms this confusion she is having?
The most helpful advice I can come up with in this specific case scenario is to tell her not to trust her dad on anything, at all.
The saddest thing of all is when we know they’re mixed messages, when we are bold enough and actually walk away, but there are still these stupid enablers they tell us that our parents really love us and are really telling us for our betterment. These enablers were not there when the abuse was taking place, but they still act as if they know what they’re talking about.
What do you suggest as a parallel parent for your kids going through this? I'm currently going the route of therapy for the kids and also I'm affirming who they are and encouraging them to speak up and teaching them about such people through public figures.
Yes. My mother always made me feel shame based off of poor choices I made. Some of it could have been prevented if she talked to me about some things. You can still have issues of course and make poor choices regardless. But prayerfully you will learn from them, but they way they teach you. You can't and won't really learn from your mistakes. It leaves you in a state of dysfunction, until you learn differently and evolve.
Yes! My narcissistic mom in law had my HUSBAND betray me and our kids and they hurt my DAUGHTER the most I hate them
The saddest part is that children raised by narcs often become narcs themselves, or go on to marry a narc, and the disorder just never stops destroying. This is why there are cult-like families full of narcs.
My parents were toxic. They lost a daughter my sister .yet I got their brunt of anger and criticism
What is that play logo on that box behind your head? I kept pushing it when I realized its in the video not on my screen :-)
BLESS YOU ALL AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SHARING COMMENTS...
NOW I KNOW IT WASN'T ME AND IT WASN'T YOU!!
BUT WE WERE ABUSED BY A PARENT WHO SHOULD HAVE LOVED US
AND WE ARE WORTHY OF BEING LOVED!! 💝💝💝
This is so true.
I see even as of today my family is so divided and never will really experiecne real love with eachother....its always about the material which is not a healty dynamic family cirlce
I agree
I share the same family dynamic and have gone almost nc with them all.
@@taralilarose1 i know its hard when its the only family u have
@@taralilarose1 for example...my narc mother still is only concerned about her relationship with my own kid not my own...shes selfish and tried to make up and spoil my own kid into beliving she was a good mother after all her abuse to me. Now my own kid thinks im a bad guy and has stolen her away from me. Even the real mother got my own kid to make a false statement about me which almost costed me my life...
Oh yeah, you're telling my story.