Your child is not the problem, YOU are.
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- Опубліковано 7 січ 2020
- Hey friends! In today's video we are going to chat about one of the hardest things I've had to wrestle with as a parent. I hope it will be an encouragement to you, and give you hope for the future of your relationship with your child!
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I am 19 years old and I’m about to have my first child. I can’t tell you how helpful these videos are to me. I am still learning how to be a responsible and patient adult myself, and I also struggle with anxiety and control issues. So yeah.. I NEED these videos, and I NEED this wisdom! I do not want to be a childish and mean wife & mama. I will not allow my age to be a hinderance. Thank you so much!
Good luck, mama! You got this! ❤❤
Janessa Compere the fact that you are here and writing this shows what a good mama you are already!
You've got this Mama! ♥️ If you'd like more encouragement check out this blog www.joyhereinthejourney.com it's just for encouraging young moms
all this time I thought you were talking about a program called “screen free parenting” and I was like oh man... Ash has 7 kids and no screens? And silently sobbed as the Peppa pig song played in the background LOL. Scream free sounds right up my street though!
🤣 I thought she was saying screen free too ha ha..
I needed this so much! I have a 12 yr old, 3 yr old, 21 month old, and am 20 weeks pregnant. I grew up in a yelling and spanking environment, and it affected me in many negative ways my whole life. I have struggled with not wanting to do corporal punishment, but it is very difficult sometimes, especially in sleep-deprived and desperate situations.
Would you consider doing some videos for:
1. Parents of middle schoolers (how to address the know-it-all syndrome, helping children deal with anxiety, guiding boys to pure life, ect)
2. Toddlers. Pretty please. How to react to/deal with tantrums, sleep issues, teaching grace when children are very small, sibling fighting, schedules and how to encourage toddlers to learn independent play.
I am not usually a commentor, but I watch and have watched every single video you have made, and your perspective and wisdom has encouraged and educated me so much. Thank you for blessing us with your gifts.
I’d love to hear more parenting tools, and a parenting q and a with Peter!
I have 5 kids .. 8, 6, 4, 2 & 1 ... My relationship with my 6 year old is a struggle every. single. day. Our personalities are just so different. Im working on being a better more understanding mom. I WANT to be a safe parent.
slsmith1020 oh my gosh! My 7 year old is my tough one! I’m hoping it’s just a stage! 🤞🏼
This came when I needed it the most. I just cried all night because my kids seem to never listen to me when we go to important meetings such as doctors. I was crying to my mom asking what I was doing wrong. Thanks and I will be looking into this book and class.
Perfect timing as God is showing me something many of these things! I never realized til a couple weeks ago how much I struggle with control. He is working in me to let go and let Him♡
I really think that every parent needs to attend parenting classes! We attend classes for so many other things-why do we think parenting should just come naturally?
That's an excellent point. If we need help learning everything else, why should we wing the most important job we'll ever have?
Nina Baldwin truth!
In my state you only get mandatory parenting classes if you want to divorce your spouse
Yah literally led me to your channel last night after praying about my parenting. For the past few months, I’ve been searching and until now, I had not found someone so similar to myself. you give parental examples that I can relate to, because these are the same weaknesses I have. I just want to thank you for letting him use you to help others in this way! Bless you sweet lady!
Sister, you just slapped me in the face and I needed it! Thank you
Nicole me too 😅 Ashleigh, the spirit is working through you, girl!
I have 5 girls (ages 11, 14, 15, 17, 19). The youngest two cause ridiculous chaos in our home....to the point of us not even wanting to be around them. Constant fighting, horrible disrespect....it’s always a struggle. Last night the crap really hit the fan and my hubby and I are at a loss. I know that he and I absolutely play a part in this chaos, but it’s so hard to know where to start. I know I’m my heart that it starts with us, and this video was PERFECT timing (thank you, Lord ❤️). It’s so hard to stop and take a step back when it feels like you’re letting them “get away with” blatant disrespect and disobedience, but there are other ways to handle things then flying off the handle or shutting down because you are just.so.over.it. I pray that peace will come back to our home, but I want to thank you for reminding me to start with me..........❤️❤️❤️
That sounds really tough - your girls are all at an age now to understand how their behaviour impacts on you and the whole family life. At their age they can be included in a family 'sit-down' where the adults i.e. you and your husband, explain that it is fundamentally your home (i.e you guys pay the mortgage and bills!) and that there is a standard of behaviour that you expect from them all to ensure that your home is a pleasant place to be for you all but especially their parents, yes YOU come first not them. This is NOT a discussion - effectively it is a 'benign' dictatorship! I used this with my girls - they are in their twenties now and we are fortunate to have a good relationship with them - but they often discuss with us how their childhood was happy but they knew how to behave and they knew that there would be consequences for bad behaviour (no over-reacting here - choose realistic consequences that you are prepared to enforce!)
It can be helpful to spend time with them individually - perhaps especially the younger ones as there may be things that are prompting their awful behaviour, things that they may not even realise themselves. Also a bit of 'divide and conquer' can work!
We are a Christian family so attending Church together and spending time in family worship each day helped too (nothing OTT just a short Bible reading and prayer- you can even try asking them to take turns in leading the prayer). This can help promote positive discussions about what it means to 'love' one another and how it is important to treat everyone kindly.
I'm not trying to 'preach' at you but taking control in a calm way really helps - don't wait til 'the crap hits the fan', lay down the ground-rules way in advance. Maybe your family life is a bit too chaotic (you mention 'chaos' yourself) - perhaps simplify things a bit?
I appreciate your reply ❤️ It’s hard to know where to start when you feel that you’ve tried everything, but I do know there is hope. 😊
The author of scream free came to our church about a year ago-- such a great seminar!
So do u have consequences for bad behavior? I'd love to hear more about that. I'd love to learn more about how u deal with bad behavior
I have 14 month old twins and I'm 6½ months pregnant. I am always reminding myself that they're not giving me a hard time, they're having a hard time, on days where they're just screaming and crying for seemingly no reason, all day long.
Oh yes, such a good perspective! But it’s HARD. You’re doing a GREAT job, mama 💕
Can you do a positive parenting video specifically on toddlers and handling tantrums?
Very much needed to hear this. I don’t want to be “angry mommy”😢 Currently listening to scream free parenting. Hoping I can do this! 🙏🏻❤️
Oh how I wish I knew about this 20 years ago. When my kids where young. Their adults now. Wonderful video
This was so amazing. I have tried to be a gentle parent to my 1yr old, and we are always cautious. Only "no thank you, honey. We don't want to do this because its dangerous" and when shes not listening instead of time out we do time in where I sit her down on her butt and talk to her about why we are careful. Even at this age she absorbs so so so so so much of that.
This is so good. It also affects our relationships with adults. We can only control our own behavior, and others are not responsible for our actions. Thank you.
What wisdom!! I’m over here with my mouth open like “WOW THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT I NEEDED TO HEAR” ❤️
Yes! This is so spot on! I was so convicted about yelling at my kids I had to make a change!
I've been working so hard on these things for the last two years. Thanks for the real talk!!!
Thank you for this video. I am not married, nor do I have any children. But, I grew up in a toxic family with poor parenting. And one of the concerns in the back of my mind was that I would carry that toxicity to my marriage, to any future children the Father chooses to give us. And this... this video could be exactly what I need to avoid that entirely. To give me tools I can practice and work on now before I enter into a marriage or have children. Seriously. Thank you. You don't know the painful childhood I had - and how much I dread hurting my future husband or children, even unintentionally. (Granted, my husband won't be a child and I shouldn't treat him as such. I'm just saying as a general principle in considering how I treat others). Thank you so much!!
So true- every bit of it. We can only control ourselves.... and how difficult that is. But thank God His Spirit dwells within us, and if I only submit moment by moment, then my responses will be honoring. And when I fail and submit to the flesh instead of His Spirit, thank God for His forgiveness and mercy that He corrects me, teaches me, and sets me back on that peaceful path. ❤️
I love your parenting and minimalism videos. So helpful. Thank you!
Yes yes yes ma’am 🎉. I practice gentle parenting with my 2 year old I’m also very big on talking to him and allowing him to talk back and not baby talking or ignoring him . I notice that he communicates very well with me and trust me . I love being a safe parent and he has been so sweet my 2 month old as well .
Ashleigh!! Thank you... Please pray for me 🙏♥️ thank you for sharing these resources.
Woah thank you for the encouragement and tips! I have been praying about this topic. I’m starting to realize it is me trying to control every aspect out of fear BUT fear is a liar and I will overcome the battle in myself.
I needed this today. My 6yr old and I have had a rough last couple of days.
Thank you for this! I have been feeling hopeless and discouraged about parenting and motherhood and homeschooling and this was an encouragement to keep on learning biblical parenting for the sake of my kids. Thank you so much for the encouragement.
I just discovered your channel and I subscribed right away!!!!!!!! I feel heard and understood. Thank you ❤
Thank you for sharing your journey. I appreciate your vunerablity and knowlege. I am staring my journery striving to be a more peaceful gentle parent and have learned so much from your videos and the resources that mentioned. I have started reading the screamfree parenting book. I am loving it! Thanks for sharing and inspiring.
Awesome words of wisdom. That was me for a three years.
They are better when we have dealt with our issues, all though sometimes you can be a great parent and still have a child that will choose to be rebellious.
Expectation can do a lot of damage, one thing I had to learn the hard way.
I can so relate . Negative emotions spread like wildfire , but so do positive emotions ..... are we creating stress in our homes or peace ?
I really resonate with this. I believe god is speaking to me through you. Thank you for being so transparent.
Thank you for this! I’m struggling with this right now.....I have a 10 year old, 7 year old, and 1 year old and I’m struggling bad! I’m trying to break the yelling cycle.
I love when you make these parenting videos it's always helped to hold a mirror up to things that I'm doing but I know I should be doing differently and to remind me to do things that I was doing that have Slips Away a little bit
Thank you. You’ve helped me learn how to be a great stepmom. Sincerely thank you.
I have to re-watch this video weekly !!!!
I needed this so much ❤
Thank you!!!!
I needed this! Thanks so much!
I needed this, thank you.
This is so, so good! 🧡 Blessings from Norway! 🇳🇴
I needed this so bad I've always watched your videos on parenting an thought you sure know how I feel!! I'm going to order this book cause I'm a Angry Nana some days I'm raising grandkids an I sure have locked myself in the bathroom an prayed for God to help me I know I'm angry at my daughter for having 3 kids an now I'm raising them with zero help!! Thanks to you I've accepted the fact it's not them it's me! I love your channel an I hope to see more on parenting! ❤❤❤❤❤
Love this approach. I am a first time mom, my son is just over 1 year old and trying so hard to be a gentle parent, however I struggle everyday. If you do a video aimed for toddler parenting I would looooove to watch it. Hugs xx
Wholesome content. Thank you for these videos.
Thank you for the encouragement!!!
Thanks, love your positive parenting encouragement.
I was spanked as a child but my parents never screamed/overly shamed me. I have no ptsd from it - but I like hearing your advice/perspective because I’m struggling with disciplining my 3.5 year old and want to be more peaceful than I am right now. I’m having a hard time because now I have a 3 year old, 1.5 year old, and a very needy infant:(
I want more kids but want to be kind, thoughtful, and peaceful!
This really spoke to me today. I feel angry and out of control and frustrated and annoyed very, very often. It makes me scared that I am a horrible mom and don’t like my kids - but I love my kids and they really are wonderful and I wanted them and still want them.
I would love to hear more about the more practical, day to day tips. You have a glimpse with the do-over tip. I would love to hear more about implementing the belief more. I don’t tend to get much out of books - I need someone to explain it to me.
I ordered the book triggers that you recommended! Only a week in, but it has helped me. Had a rough day yesterday so I needed this video. It’s a process. I hope to be more patient and loving over time.
Such an awesome video you always have words of encouragement ..I hope you're doing well!! You seem tired in this video hugs to you !
I love this!!! Thank you
I just requested the book from my local library! Thank you so much!
Wow I needed to hear this xo
I’d love to hear how you handle “do overs” for your older kids. It’s definitely something I’d love to implement more in my parenting, but I have a 12 year old that might take that approach as me being condescending which only makes the behavior amplify. She’s dealing with a whole lot of hormones right now that make it much harder for her to temper her responses to people in frustrating situations. While I love that she feels like I can be a safe space for her to vent her emotions without fear of being yelled at. I’ve had a no yelling policy since I met her (she’s my stepdaughter so that was around age 4). The no yelling rule has been a two way agreement up until recently, and sometimes it feels like I get all the anger that she builds up over a day or week. It sucks being yelled at, and it sucks even more having conflict with her.
I’d love to be more constructive and give her a chance to change the way she is speaking to others instead of going straight to calling her out on it, but I know if I said it the way you described I’d get the eye roll of all eye rolls because well....hormones.
Oh yes, that particular approach is definitely aimed at younger children. With my older kids I try to say something more like “that doesn’t really sound like you. I can hear that you’re frustrated/angry/annoyed/etc. m going to give you some space, why don’t you cone find me when you’re ready to talk.”
I try to be more matter of fact with my kids as they get older. Think about how you would want someone to respond to you when you’re being irrational/unreasonable (that can’t just be me that still struggles with that lol)...and start from there with the preteen/teen crowd.
Thank u for this!!!!!!! We have been struggling with our 8 year old!!!
Wowwww my sister thank you so much.i know I am the problem,I dont want to be angry or rude and many times I am and it hurts.please continue making this types of videos....this is your calling dont stop talking.may adonai bless u
If I were a UA-cam video award giver, I would give you an MVP award for this one!
😆 thank you!
@@ashleighnicolewilson 🎗🎖🏆🏅🥇🎈🎈🎆🎇✨🎉🎊
I would love to watch you and Peter chat about relationships with children, parenting philosophies, how he responds when you've struggled to "be the adult", etc.
Maybe not even a q & a, just a chat! I feel like Peter can fill some considerable "air time" without too many prompts. 😉😉
Too many parents are also trying to be “friends” with their children instead of actually being the parent. It backfires every time.
I love being friends with my kids! You CAN do both, especially if you hope to friends with your children as they grow into adults!
Audra Andrews I am best friends with my mom. We have never fought and she has always known how to also be a parent. Now that I’m grown with a son and a daughter on the way I appreciate that my mom was and still is my friend.
@@ashleighnicolewilson i agree 100%
I guess it depends on your definition of friend. If by friend you mean having a fun, respectful, loving relationship then yes, you absolutely should be your child's friend. If by "friend" you mean having no rules or expectations and allowing them to drink excessively, do drugs, have underage sex, and not caring about their education, then no, don't be their "friend". I wouldn't recommend having that sort of boundary/safety free relationship with anybody.
I love this. Would love
To see some examples of day to day parenting.. responses to the most common tantrums, etc.💜
I have been struggling with this for a while now with my 4 kids! I just started reading the book Triggers, that you recommended in a previous video! 🥰
Thank you for this difficult message, i would love to see a video on how you discipline more in depth 💖
Love the idea of do overs!
I LOVE Ralphie from SimplyonPurpose. Total game changer as a former nanny and this past year as a first-time mom. I knew I didn't want to damage his view of God with controlling, authoritative discipline. But I also didn't want to be a watered down Christian parent. I wanted to know how to have limits with grace and Ralphie shows what that can look like.
🙌🏻🙌🏻🙌🏻
Yes!!! This, exactly!
@@ashleighnicolewilson ❤️
Wish I could give this 10 more thumbs up, thank you Ashleigh and Yah bless! ❤️
Thank you ❤️
I have no kids and don’t plan on having them any time soon but those videos are so interesting! I feel like I always comment that on your videos though lol
I‘m thinking about my own mom and dad and their struggles as parents back in the day. I often hear that children want to do everything different when they have kids of their own but for me that’s not the case. I actually think my parents did an amazing job raising us and I‘m most likely going be very similar as a parent, or at least I aspire to be. Lord knows I was difficult in my teens, I‘m actually so sorry now 😂
More videos like this please!! ❤️
This was a good video.
Amen and Amen!
I won’t brag because when I brag I will screw up! (Amazing how that works) but I just am so much more chill the more kids I have!
Sounds like a great class! I’ll check out the book! I am a much better parent but the husband could use some help! Lol
He is an amazing man but works with rapists and murders and it makes these men so stressed! God is working on his heart so it’s all in his hands! I love the truth you spoke!
It all goes to Jesus! This takes soul searching and a lot of reflection! Parents who are either nonexistent or too controlling are often not respected by kids once they are grown! I know this loud and clear!
Excellent video! I am normally really calm and just manage the kids well, but right now I have zero patience. 2 weeks until baby 4 arrives and I’m so hormonal and tired. I cannot wait for this baby to get out and things even out. I’m trying so hard, but I’m also trying to have patience for myself.
Oh the end of pregnancy is soooo draining! 💕
This video really opened my eyes. I’ve been feeling helpless with my almost 7 year old. Is it to late though? To change so drastically.
NEVER. It’s never too late to make a change. 💕
Yes! Lol the fear of having a child adult living in your basement! That’s one thing I fear.
I have a 2 year old, and I realized early on that yelling does NOTHING for a toddler. It's hard not to yell because that's the parenting style I've seen from family and friends all my life. It's also hard trying to talk to a toddler on their level and explain why eating crayons or hitting is bad when she has no idea what I'm talking about. I facepalm almost daily and have internal anxiety about my ability as a parent. BUT I know that I am doing better than my parents did with me, and all I can do is gently lead my children in the right direction hoping they turn out okay like I did.
I grew up with an unsafe mother, so I've decided to be different when I have children. I want to be the mother I didn't have because my future children and I deserve better. I also work hard everyday to be the best wife I can be.
My 7 yr old son has been difficult since starting pre k at 4 He laughs at me getting angry he fights about everything and he is very hateful to 5yr old son
I dont spank i yell but i dont know how to calm him down so the house is calmer
I hope many young parents will find your advice. Maybe some teachers, too...
I'd love to hear you address the common scripture references Christians use to back up spanking... like don't spare the rod, and God disciplines the ones he loves etc.
We have a 2yr old and 5m old and threats seem to be the only tool my husband thinks works (since our toddler isn't understanding logic) we're struggling most with him completely disobeying. Like grinning while he deliberately touches something we just said not to.
I'm trying so hard to have natural consequences, explain/teach in the moment, but how do you keep your impulse toddlers safe when they don't listen?
I do spank but I don't yell. I have never been a screaming parent. I am curious, as you are a Christian, is this class you take by a Christian? Curious because as Christians we should listen to Godly advice when it comes to our kids from people who follow the Bible, not the world. I am glad that you are not as angry with your kids. I believe that tone of voice is more important than any form of discipline, whether it be spanking or a timeouts, or grounding, removal of a privilege etc....I agree we only control ourselves. I do feel it is our job to teach them boundaries and that there are consequences for disobedience.
Oh, yes, we absolutely need to teach boundaries and consequences for choices. I simply do not agree that inflicting physical pain on a child is necessary to do so. While the man who teaches the Scream Free parenting is a believer, the course itself is secular so that it will appeal to all. I do not limit myself, though, to learning only from those who believe as I do. There is much wisdom to be gained from many sources and places.
@@ashleighnicolewilson This has nothing to do with discipline, but what do you think about kids and bedtime? Do you think for young children the parents should enforce a bedtime, or let the child decide?
Woah when did the channel name change? I havent been clicking on the videos because I don’t remember subscribing to someone of this channel name. Damn. I wonder how long Ive been accidentally avoiding these videos 😂 DAMN.
but now you get to binge watch all the videos you missed so thats awesome :D
💜
I LOVE that you use your platform to spread the messages of peaceful, gentle, and attachment parenting.
When my spouse struggles with our little ones' choices I often ask some version of, What about this triggers you?
It's interesting how many adults resist self examination especially when it comes to interactions with children.
Please keep making these important videos!! 💓💓
These are really good advices! You're a wise parent!
What do you do about older kids who say they knew what they did was wrong but wanted to do it anyway. Example a 10 year old boy pushing down a special needs toddler (4 years old but the size of a 2 year old)
Current action is asking him why he did it, what he should've done instead, talking it through. He has all the answers but just does what he wants. He's been kicked out of public school for physical aggression towards other students. Over the years we've tried spanking, time outs, reward systems, one on one time, therapy sessions with a counselor, ect and Nothing seems to work, and I'm at a loss. I don't yell at him bc that definitely doesn't work. I just don't know what else to try. You talked about fears and I am afraid he'll grow up and go to jail bc he knows right from wrong but choses to do the wrong thing anyway. He says he isn't afraid of going to jail. He threatens other students at school and shows no remorse for the threat or the actual physical violence. Idk where that comes from bc he doesn't see that in our home or on TV bc we don't even own a tv and the kids don't have devices. I have 1 laptop for homeschooling. I don't let the kids have my phone either.
Everything you said I think would work well with younger kids or typically behaving children. But I don't think this is the answer for my oldest and he is the one I'm worried about damaging my relationship with. He can be so sweet and loving and cuddly one day but most days he's argumentative and back talking and thinks he knows everything and wont listen when someone tries to explain something or teach him something, and he always wants the last word.
Any advise from parents who have been down this road for themselves and maybe have teens or adult children now and can give advise from personal experience and living it out and looking back from the other side?
Oh mama, my heart hurts for you. In this situation, I’d seek counseling/therapy for ALL of you. Keep pushing until you find someone he clicks with who can help you get to the bottom of this, because you’re right, this is NOT typical behavior.
@@ashleighnicolewilson Thank you for not judging. I felt bad putting all that out there but desperately seeking advise.
I actually have the book scream free parenting. I bought it when you mentioned it in a previous video. My husband and i read it together. Maybe we could read it again. It can't hurt.
Playing devil's advocate here: how do you do this and not be "fake"? I know some moms who are always so sweet and happy and they seem so fake. Michelle Duggar comes to mind as well, she gives me the creeps with her baby voice. This sounds interesting in theory, but I want to be real. After reading a certain parenting book, I had changed my voice and the way I spoke to my kids and my husband was like "what is wrong with you? Stop trying to be someone you're not".
Oh, I'm certainly not always sweet and happy, but I also try not to take my moods out on my kids, and have realistic expectations. I speak more sweetly to little ones, but try to talk to my older children like they are competent humans, if that makes sense. I'm kind, but firm.
Corporal punishment is 💯 % biblical. If applied with a calm, loving spirit, it is the most effective tool for obedience for most children, some need more some less, but have yet to meet one who doesn’t need a good ol fashion spanking😉
Hitting a child is 💯% NOT biblical, or in line at all with the teaching of Jesus. If you are basing your belief on poetical, metaphorical language, and calling it literal, I’d recommend you reevaluate your understanding of Gods word, and His nature.
I found a little smacking (nothing too physical and never done in front of their siblings or others, you shouln't humilate your child) helped at a certain age - above 2 years old but needs to stop once they reach 6/7 as then they can be expected to be punished more effectively in other ways, e.g. less time with a favourite pasttime.
A smack can be more efffective when they're little as it is 'short and sharp' i.e. no 'lingering' about it. Once it's over all punishment needs to be seen as done-with and the parent-child relationship restored lovingly.
However each child is different - my older daughter responded well to a quick smack whereas my younger daughter rarely needed it . Both got to the stage when a 'look' was enough warning!
ASHLEIGH NICOLE WILSON Proverbs 22:15, written by King David, inspired by the Holy Spirit, all the psychology combined can’t compete with the Creators wisdom, and since He created us and knows our nature and what is needed in guiding children, I trust His wisdom!
@@ashleighnicolewilson I am genuinely interested in how you are reading the many instances in Proverbs alone as simply poetic metaphors. Also how would you objectively decide what to take literally or metaphorically?Telling someone that something is 100% not Biblical... is something you should yourself be 100% sure about. And while each parent must seek the way that God has given them to parent for themselves, you are, without a doubt wrong about this.
@@ashleighnicolewilson Maybe this wasn't meant to come across as snarky but it sure read that way in my eyes. Maybe you could explain why certain verses aren't meant to be taken in a literal sense and how to help decipher those verses. Encourage other believers to look deeper into God's word instead of "reevaluate your understanding"