Do Avoidant Attachment Styles Regret Breaking Up With Their Ex?
Вставка
- Опубліковано 10 чер 2024
- Heal Your Attachment Style & Dramatically Improve Your Relationships: Access Your Free All-Access Membership Today!
bit.ly/7-days-free-youtube
👇Embark on a journey of healing and transformation after a breakup or any loss with the "How to Heal From a Break Up & Transform Grief" course - Discover the keys to overcoming pain, apply post-traumatic growth principles, and reprogram your subconscious for lasting peace. Enroll now to begin your path to emotional recovery and renewal.👇
university.personaldevelopmen...
In today's video, Thais Gibson discusses whether or not the avoidant attachment style (dismissive avoidant attachment style) regret breaking up with their ex.
Watch now to learn about the process of regret that the avoidant attachment style experiences after breaking up, as Thais provides useful tips and guidance.
To learn more, explore the transformative course, "How to Heal From a Break Up & Transform Grief", for powerful tools you can begin using immediately on your journey!
---
00:00:00 - Intro
00:01:22 - Flaw Finding in the Dating Stage
00:04:07 - Long-Term Relationships
00:04:45 - Don't Know How To Communicate Their Needs
00:05:51 - Mourning Comfort and Security
00:08:36 - 7-Day Free Trial: How To Heal From A Breakup
00:09:20 - Won't Show if They're Regretful
00:10:38 - Conclusion
---
Discover What Your Attachment Style is and How It Could Be Holding Your Relationships Back … Take Quiz Here 👉bit.ly/attachment-quiz-youtube
Follow Us for Daily Relationship Insights and Breakthroughs on Our Social Channels!
Instagram - / thepersonaldevelopment...
Facebook - / thepersonaldevelopment...
TikTok - / thaisgibson
LinkedIn - / thepersonaldevelopment...
Podcast - pod.link/1478580185
---
Subscribe to Our UA-cam Channel for Your Daily Dose of Personal Growth and Relationship Transformations!
/ @thepersonaldevelopmen...
Hey there! I'm Thais Gibson, and this is the channel where I teach you how to transform your life.
I created the Personal Development School, an online learning platform that gives users the ability to create true and long-lasting change in their lives through personal development courses that are designed to give you a breakthrough in every area of your life, with a 99.7% satisfaction rate.
Our UA-cam videos give you a glimpse into this in-depth course content. Much of what you'll learn here is based on your attachment style and how that affects the relationships you have with your family, friendships, and of course, your romantic relationships.
So what are you waiting for? This could be the start of your personal development journey. Subscribe to our channel and start watching!
#PersonalDevelopmentSchool #ThaisGibson #PDS #AttachmentStyles #DismissiveAvoidant #DismissiveAvoidantAttachment #AvoidantAttachment #AvoidantAttachmentStyle #DismissiveAvoidantCourse #DismissiveAvoidantBreakup #AvoidantBreakup
Have you ever had a dismissive avoidant end a relationship suddenly? What was your experience like? ❤
Dear Thais, I’ve been watching your channel for some time, and I wanted to say thank you for all that you do.
After an extremely traumatic discard, in a world of no hope, filled with so much emotional pain, bit by bit over the years you have helped me piece together the puzzle, and to gain answers to what happened and why.
You have an amazing way at sharing your knowledge- such passion, compassion, and skill - and I truly thank you.
Can you cover how Avoidants handle when they are broken up with?
I feel like 90% of content assumes that it is always the Avoidant that leaves, when that's not always the case.
She walked away on Saturday. She found fault and flaws in several little things that obviously, were boulders for her. She kept saying she was overwhelmed, so I gave her space. She then told me I didn't try hard enough. In the past she had told me that I made her feel safe and seen. I love her. I'm willing to put in the work. Maybe she will, too. Your videos and knowledge are a blessing. Thank you, Thais.
So if we dated for 7 months (said I love you's to one another for 5 of those 7 months) and he only started looking for flaws in me during the last month, does it mean he won't regret the breakup? Even though he made it clear for quite some time that he did in fact love me.
By text, after 4 years.. told me she needed to concentrate on her health and work - and that she didnt care about relationships .. rug well and truly pulled.
When I said ‘But I love you’ she said in return ‘I appreciate your feelings’
3 years with my ex DA. He dumped me after 1.5 years then came charging back 4 weeks later with promises, i took him back. Another 1.6 years and I broke up with him 3 weeks ago! All his avoidant tendencies came back, it was horrible for months. I just gave up! Nobody is worth that much amount of stress! You should never try and teach someone how to love. Even though I’m hurting it was the right thing to do because I know I’ll be happier without a DA!
Regret arises when we realise that we could have made different choices that would inevitably lead to better outcomes. Avoidants tend to rationalise their actions by convincing themselves that they made the 'safest' choice in order to avoid potential regret. It's this rationalisation that creates a self-perpetuating cycle whereby the avoidance element reinforces the erroneous belief that it was the right decision in the first place, despite evidence to the contrary. The regret they experience hinges on the false premise that inaction is inherently 'safer' or less risque than taking action. So whilst they may experience genuine regret, it makes absolutely no difference to the people they hurt in the process.
Both avoidant attachment styles have the boomerang effect where they'll repress feelings then it'll hit them in the face later on. but lack of vulnerability will make them not express and get relationship back on the right track
Thanks for sharing! This definitely can happen ❤
they are only good for abuse... we have a saying from of old here... this kind of people are only good for abusive sex and NEVER invest feelings in them
I totally agree with this. It definitely hits them like a tonne of bricks months down the line. I’m in no contact with a SEVERE dismissive avoidant. I KNOW he has really started to miss me sooo much after 6 months no contact. I can feel a distinct energy shift. I know many people will think this is woo woo and not a reliable gauge but I know and trust in myself
Nope. They run. It's what they do. The longer I live the more I think the evasion is what brings them fulfillment.
I absolutely refuse to chase these kinds of people. You are just setting yourself up for a WORLD of heartache.
I asked my gf about moving in together again, seeing each other more often. She wasnt really sure about that, told me that She thinks I want to see each other everyday( I didn't) and fo her once a week is fine. She broke up again with me, months later felt into depression, told me it has been terrible for her, living alone. So when I offered time and companionship it was too much, but later, the space and loneliness destroyed her mental health
Id love to see a video about DAs and substance abuse! It seems like there’s a lot of us in the comments who perceive our partners as DAs who also abuse drugs/alcohol? Wondering if there might be a correlation!
Yes even some who are workaholics or addicted the gym. Addictive personalities and many I find have ocd too
@@flagirl0315omg the ocd is soo real! He couldn’t stay still till he did it…
@@geelws8880 it almost feels like they are running away from something even mentally. Keeping busy they don’t have to face anything painful
My ex is an alcoholic. It helps the winkers avoid feelings altogether. Boost the insatiable ego. There is usually narcassim there.
Knew a dismissive avoidant who was still regretting leaving a friend from 10 years ago
Thanks for sharing! I hope they can heal and change their ways for the better ❤🩹
she is a loser hahaha
Good 😂😂😂 thats manners put on him.
I'd love to see some material on avoidant denial: what it looks like, when it kicks in, what beliefs it is there to defend, and what shakes them out of it (including what triggers them to realize they're heading for emotional rick bottom...and what that rock bottom FEELS like and looks like for avoidants, not just regarding substance use).
Shake them out? Its who they are 🤷♀️ you cant "shake" a personality out if anyone.
Tou have to shake yourself out and work on your delusions.
@@maxsheerin8219 Denial isn't "who they are." It's a defense mechanism. And it's an objective fact that people often get triggered to realize reality. I'm asking if there's a pattern to that which would be useful.
@@vorbis4860 nobody knows where their own rock bottom is really so its hard to see others. When my ex fell off the wagon and I left, I thought that he may drink for a few weeks and then the pointlessness of it all and that was his rock bottom.
Then his daughter walked out of his life and I thought, thats his rock bottom, then he lost a massive contract and I thought that all this would be his rock bottom. He is still rocking away in a bottomless pit and nobody really gaf about him anymore. We stay clear from the pain he inflcited.
mine broke up with me after 1.5 years (LDR) because i was asking for quality time over FaceTime after not seeing him for 2 weeks because he was “too busy.” couldn’t even give me a minute of his time. turns out he would rather break up with me than be stressed.. tried to ask him to reconsider but he blocked me on our main source of communication. we were supposed to close the distance in july.. he seems to be doing fine without me, meanwhile i’m picking up the pieces of myself. felt more alone, unimportant, unloved and under appreciated in the relationship..
I have a hard time feeling compassion for a DA after having been dis arded for absolutely no reason and than treated like im a crazy person, even though the DA said how much they loved me the week before. No real reason, just i cannot give you what you nee 🤦♂️
Amen.. they project their insecurities onto you.. and make you feel like you having feelings for them is weird and it’s anything other than love.. leave these people alone.. they’re not healthy nor worth effort
Who cares if they do or not?? If they do then GOOD, If they try to come back, run for your life.
I have lessened to 3 of your contents and I can understand what happened from my EX to me and you are so good to explaining it in detail in kind of depth. Thank you for what you do you are amazing 🙏
Hi Thais❤. My wife or ex-wife left me out of the blue. She is 100% and avoidant. She got herself a new boyfriend before she left me. That was so hard to deal with. She blames her past relationship CPTSD. No I told her, I said it was poor character choice.
Well said
I feel for everybody that was in an abusive relationship. I will not though let them blame poor character choices on their trauma. Trauma is not a free pass to f over another person
Very helpful, an insightful description of the DA.
This is one of the reasons it's so important to be fulfilled before entering into a relationship. I couldn't imagine having an extended grieving process after something like a break-up. Having hobbies, interests, and purpose will naturally draw the right people to you because people want to be around others who are fulfilled. This in turn brings you great friends, family, and dating prospects. Of course, everyone needs their time after a relationship ends, but anything extended (which implies far beyond what is needed to grieve) will only hold you back from the right person in the long-run.
I appreciate your share! It's definitely important and ideal to be fulfilled before starting a serious relationship ❤
Yes, but everyone grieves differently. I wish it was this easy for everyone.
For myself if I'm feeling sad, I try to take meaningful steps to resolve that. I agree with you. Action needs to be taken- you hit the gym, you enjoy your hobbies, you meditate and do healthy things to feel better- then sooner or later it all starts looking more positive. Nurturing your own wellbeing and not curling up in despair is so essential.
@@CeeP211 it's easier when you have a life outside of the relationship and maintain that life whilst inside the relationship. You learn that most people in your life are just passing through including your romantic partners and understand that you can meet a new and better partner in the long-run.
@@Littleowl85352 exactly. Anxiety is cured through action. When I was anxious during the darkest days of building my business, I did everything from reaching out to prospects directly to posting a video on social media. It helped almost immediately!
Very well explained and very accurate!!
i broke no contact after 2 months with an dismissive avoidant, to send a long final textmessage, to stand in for my feelings and values, and to finally go no contact forever, because this "waiting" for them to come back with no contact, is even more self destructive. Its their game, and i dont want to be part of it. Communication is the way to handle things like a mature and emotional grown up person
It's the fear of vulnerabilities that broke us apart with my (DA) ex FA.
Now that I can see it, I deeply regret it and wish she we had a chance to talk... but she blocked me and went with someone else after 4.5 years.
Yep. Hi is like "peace out"!
This was so me, and I left two perfect woman. One absolutely perfect and ended up in a narcissistic marriage Z! I wrote about this in another short !
Every time I talked to a DA ex, I felt like I was on a job interview. He would have a series of questions he would ask me. Felt like if I gave the wrong answer to any of his checklist questions, I would be voted off the island so to speak. Always felt like walking on egg shells to not upset the balance. It was mentally taxing.
Hmm I’m a DA and have done this, but I always saw it as a quick way to sus out incompatibility. Like what are your political leanings, religious? Spiritual? Children or no? Monogamous, maybe? Yes? I don’t ask that way because I’m not socially awkward lol, but I always expect the same in return. A guy friend warned me once saying sometimes men ask questions and if you answer wrong they’ll reject you. I was so confused because I was like “yes, and?” I want that so we don’t waste our time.
@@sj3969 Thank you! Always interesting to learn from each other. The question asking wasn't so strange. But it didn't feel like a naturally flowing coversation. I could just tell he expected certain answers or I would get the boot. Which is indeed what happened.
@@belindaclevenger4759isn't that fair enough, though? It doesn't mean you're a bad person, just not the one he would have found right for himself
I’m an FA and do this.
My Husband of 39 years is having an affair of 2 years. He’s filed for divorce but not pursuing it. He does have a relationship with me too. How can I get him to come home? To leave the affair partner? He tells me he’s confused. But he tells others he’s getting divorced but he keeps coming back? Help.
FAs also flaw find, not just DAs.
yeah we do, i'm trying to not do it my new partner.
@@syedbukhari6578 At least you're trying. My ex was dealing with ROCD and couldn't see it. I felt judged and not enough on a daily basis. Rarely cherished. As if he had never really chosen me. I was the contrary, not wanting to see the bad and focusing on the positives.
@@MissSarahGM if it helps you my ex was a DA. She sent me a sweet letter on my birthday, only to give me a list of reasons the next month of how we’re incompatible and this that and then she asked for space so I agreed with her and said ok we’re done thanks for trying. In retrospective, I do understand how they can make you feel judged. And I did the same as you by trying to focus and make her focus on the positives but ah whatever.
@@syedbukhari6578 I'm sorry it's so painful to deal with volatility and unstable loved ones. I think you had to set a boundary or she wouldn't respect you, and even treat you worse. Mine dumped me and breadcrumbed me for a year, just gave me false hope. So I finally decided to ignore, even if his messages were nostalgic and saying he carried the love I gave him even if he was not always that nice or it didn't work out. I didn't respond. I wanted to see if he would say more, what he wanted beyond being curious how I was doing. He has not reached out since.
I believe he was just back to "take" from me, not to apologise and repair a real relationship. It's just sad.
@@syedbukhari6578 I'm sorry you also deal with someone that volatile, it's very painful. I think you had to set that boundary, or she would not respect you and treat you even worse. Anyway at this point, it's not even worth trying to convince anybody. They left because it was too healthy and too good and it is not familiar to them.
When they consider loyalty a flaw… subconscious manipulation techniques on the right side of the spectrum.
Yes
Will an ex avoidant ever reply back to my apology text ?
No contact from who, you or the Avoidant? I will probably be the one to stop. Do they process the same?
What are peoples opinions or experiences on an avoidant meeting a secure attacher?
What's the process they go through?
I’m secure and spent last two years with what I now know was an avoidant and a possible covert narcissist mix. First six months was amazing. I fell hard for her. We had some ups and downs and she pulled away. We were on and off again then last year solid and moved in together and had huge plans for our future. She even said she wanted kids with me and couldn’t ever picture having them with someone else. She wanted it to become more serious. Without getting into too much detail. We ended. I still love her and wish we could have continued because we were getting into amazing talks and she was working through family trauma but she found an easier way with someone else.
During our time together I found myself going from secure to anxious and sometimes a mix due to the lack of return she gave or honesty from her so to say. I could probably write a book about it but summed up, it changed how I reacted to everything compared to how I normally do.
@SeanOzz It's one of the most heart-wrenching but enlightening situations I've ever been in.
From the sheer pain of trying to understand what the hell was going on (I didn't know attachment theory at that time) to the learning curve I've made on setting boundaries, protecting my peace etc.
I'm sorry you've been through all that. It is truly a rollercoaster of emotions.
The lack of reciprocal behaviours can drive you insane because you know they care for you...
I used to be secure... they turned me into an anxious wreck. Hard to trust anyone after that experience.
One of the benefits of my emotional healing process has been to see that I did the best I could in situations, and others were doing their best too. I don't regret breakups. They happened for a reason. Life is full of beautiful things and beautiful feelings we can enjoy in places like mountains and lakes and playing with farm animals so why regret a breakup? Go have a spa bath or cuddle your pet cat, don't cry over what was already done ❤
It's been different when someone breaks up with me. That hurts the ego. But I don't want to feel bad so I focus on my own self esteem, and the more I've done that the less I've felt sick about relationships that didn't work out.
So many of these videos are about the avoidant breaking up with their partner vs the other way around. I wonder why. Is the partner of the avoidant that much less likely to do the leaving?
I am anxious and I just left the relationship 10 days ago cos it was really hard for me not to get affection back and couldn't handle neglection and cold treatment, I entered what is so called protest mode then I broke up.
I feel sad tho that I left but I really can't live like this
Avoidants are almost always the one to leave the relationship. Except in cases where their partner is healthy, securely attached they will leave rather quick and unhealthy relationships; or if the relationship has been long term (years) and the AP finally gives up and is no longer will tolerate the emotional and physical bankruptcy.
Avoidants often pair with anxious attachers and anxious attachers tend to stay in relationships way too long in an effort to avoid feeling abandoned or a loss of connection (even if the anxious attacher is the one who initiated the break up).
I just ended my 6 year connection to my DA. I am earned SA. I have a warm, consistent and peaceful connection with my DA, but we're just not on the same page regarding our priorities for the next steps in the relationship. I have not argued/bickered with him leading up to this at all... The conversations we've had after I announced we have an insurmountable incompatability were respectful, open and mutually caring. We had such high energy, that he even invited me to dinner during the break-up. If I look at his Twitter now, he's engaging with content about proposals, decades long happy old couples, marriage anecdotes, relationship memes.
@@prettypoodle26I am anxious and can confirm this is exactly how I function. Even when I know I don’t want to be with someone, I usually have a long drawn out breakup where we stay in contact for months after because the “shock” of just stopping communication suddenly makes me panic.
is two years a long term relationship?
Yes
Can you do one on if you breakup with them ,
Thanks for your suggestion! I will try and touch on this in a future video 😊
@@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool ty
I would appreciate content about this as well. It's very hard to find, because it's like 90% of content assumes the Avoidant is the one who walked away.
I am going through this process right now, where I (earned SA) have decided to separate from a peaceful, supportive and warm connection with a DA. We did not have any fights leading up to this decision, and he takes 90% of the initiatives to text, call and meet-up. He has been highly consistent with this too, especially these past 2 years.
It would take too much space in one comment, but I think I have masterfully executed this decision, to the point that even in the couple conversations we've had where I announced we have an insurmountable incompatability we've had some amazing talks with very good energy between us.
I sometimes take a cheeky peek at his Twitter feed, and since I've announced this separation is inevitable due to our different priorities, he's actually been liking and engaging with content about proposing, old couples celebrating their decades long commitment, marriage anecdotes, relationship jokes and memes.
I think its 50/50 he might want to get engaged after all, but I am also expecting him to lose faith due to the vulnerability of that decision once he realises he wants it.
@@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool can you do one about why avoidants are predisposed to get a kick from triangulations?
How would avoidant attachment styles affect someone who's pregnant?
Terribly. I am an avoidant and dad and I split because of me about 6 months ago. It’s always best for kids to stay together especially if you actually do love them but I used EVERY reason to push him away. Not putting this ALL on me. I had no clue this was going on. I can tell you when I was pregnant I was very hot and cold towards him
@@chay516 what ended up happening???
@@ba2cinema we are working on a parenting plan and still avoid anything about our relationship because I don’t like the conflict. I absolutely am willing to accept my part, I just don’t want to open that door myself honestly. 😢 He has a Big Man Ego as well so therefore he will probably never be actually open without criticism to his or my feelings. So at this moment I’m really hoping we can continue to always keep our daughters best interests first and hopefully can get along because that is the 2nd best thing we could do as parents.
@@ba2cinema also when I was pregnant it was really hard for me to bring myself to be naked or have intimacy with him. When I say I was hot and cold I mean it. One minute I loved him to death and the next I would kick him out ( we never lived together, this go around) I kept my own place due to relationship stability issues in our first go around. We have 18 month old and known each other 7 years. Been on and off the whole 7 years.
@@chay516 I don't get it. Why don't you just first let him say what he needs to say, and then later on you can address your needs (if he can't handle it rn)
Do Avoidants have many relationships ?
Do they leave a relationship prematurely if they think the partner is going to leave ?
Good questions! Idk very well about avoidants but my guess would be no. They lie a lot.
But I did see a research they seem to get a kick from triangulations even if just virtual or fantasy. I'm on my phone rn but you can look it up.
I’m a DA, no I don’t have many relationships. I don’t tend to feel the need to be super social or have my needs met (whatever that means) by others too strongly. I try my hand at dating like once every 3 years with the mindset of “let’s see what’s out there”. I run into ppl I’m not compatible with and burn out very very quickly. Again, I’m not super social nor do I have deficits in need of filling so my stamina for dating is very very low. I get bored and then discover myself again. This time though, I’m staying this way. I have tried dating and I don’t like it.
As for leaving before a partner leaves…idk. I’ve noticed people tapering off but I don’t have enough drive to stop it. I let them go.
Every dismissive avoidant is going to be a lot different but no I haven't had many relationships and I've never felt like I was leaving because a partner was going to leave. I've left relationships because of all kinds of reasons but not that one.
@@sj3969same! I won’t run after them or admit my avoidance because that alone is vulnerability
What is it with the time and DAs? My ex used to hate people being late. I was late once by 15 mins and she acted cold.
Its ironic as she wasted 1.5 years of my time.
did u just delete my comment ??
This video is a repeat of what’s already been done on this channel. Would be nice to see some new content that you haven’t already covered.
Why tf would anyone even put up with this BS??
Hmmm I can’t think of a break up I regret as a DA. I regret relationships with friends falling away to an extent, but not romantic relationships. The reasons for those break ups were justifiable in retrospect. Typically, I break up for value/moral reasons. Sometimes there’s something like “this person said they want kids and I don’t” which again in my opinion is totally justified. I’ve had a guy say he changed his mind about having kids but I knew that was a lie, he was just trying to keep me around or just saying what needed to be said to perhaps at least sleep with me. There are people that I miss, but never enough to overpower the very real and justifiable reasons for the break imo. Though all DAs are different
Thank you for your share, I appreciate it! You're definitely right about not all dismissive avoidant attachment styles being the same ❤
you don't deserve anything in this life and you know it
you don't deserve anything and you know it!
@@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool stop deleting my posts.
@@dandanut5409 why are you so nasty to people on here? Cut it out and heal your own attachment. If you think being a FA is easier for the partner of a FA over a DA, you are seriously mistaken.