Avoidant Attachment Styles Do THIS When They Regret A Break Up
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- Опубліковано 1 чер 2024
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In today's video, Thais Gibson shares what happens when the avoidant attachment style (dismissive avoidant attachment style) regrets breaking up. Watch now to learn about what happens to the avoidant as they move through the grieving process of a break up as Thais provides useful tips and guidance.
To learn more, explore the transformative course, "How to Heal From a Break Up & Transform Grief", for powerful tools you can begin using immediately on your journey!
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00:00:00 - Intro
00:01:28 - Flaw Finding
00:04:15 - After Long Term Relationships
00:08:44 - Lifetime Promo
00:09:14 - Going through the Grieving Process
00:10:47 - Conclusion
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#PersonalDevelopmentSchool #ThaisGibson #PDS #AttachmentStyles #DismissiveAvoidant #DismissiveAvoidantAttachment #AvoidantAttachment #AvoidantAttachmentStyle #DismissiveAvoidantCourse #DismissiveAvoidantBreakup #AvoidantBreakup #AvoidantGrief
Don't. Just don't. I know why you're watching this. Don't do it. You can't understand your way into a healthy dynamic with a DA. The reason you think it's worth it is because you're a dopamine addict. They play the push-pull nonsense and give you a short little burst of hope to keep you around, but no matter how close and committed you think you are with them, they will always see you only as an option. You might be their favourite option, or the only option they're currently entertaining, but that's all. The worst thing you can do for yourself is chase a DA.
This!
Yep it's the intermittent reinforcement that makes it addictive. Which also continuously feeds the thought that maybe they'll finally see how you don't mean harm and that they don't need to run away. But in the end if they don't want to change, let them go. Heal yourself and don't let others hurt you at your mental and emotional expense.
I like how while Thais gives advice and affirmation to people struggling with understanding or connecting with avoidants, in the end she always turns it back to taking care of yourself and choosing you. Because at the end of the day, regardless of whether the avoidant loves you or not, returns to you or not, or stays with you or not, you’ll always have your own company. Self healing is a powerful journey.
Thank you for your beautiful comment :)
So meaningful!! Thais is an angel. I’m learning so much through her enlightening videos after a very painful heartbreak that left me not only confused but absolutely shattered in every way there is. 😢💔✨🧘♀️❤️🩹😌
It’s just not worth it. You’ll be patient. You’ll ride the lowest lows to feel the smallest of highs. You’ll try your hardest to make it work. You’ll drive yourself crazy until you run out of patience. Then when you do, they’ll justify not committing to you, because you weren’t up to scratch.
“No relationship is essential”
Choose yourself. You can work on yourself, you can control yourself, and you can love yourself unconditionally. ❤
Yes we can tell people this but unfortunately they will not be ready to hear it until they hit their knees
Amen🙏 I agree 100%
So true, they drive you nuts treating you horrible til you get fed up then rhey say well good thing I didn't commit.. nuts
Perfectly said.💯
@@Littleowl85352we’ll tell them it’s not worth it, we’re not worth it (a DA speaking for myself) and they’ll still lash out 😮💨
Flaw finding, extreme sensitivity to any criticism, can’t communicate. Only wrote 3 out of many. This is exhausting just thinking about it, hard pass.
I agree with the 3, it's so bad
Can't communicate was the only one for me. He would not text or reach out for 6-10 days at a time. Around Christmas time it went for a month.
I needed support because all my family has passed away & I was left on the holidays alone. I just couldn't get close to him in the 8 months I knew him. I'm better off alone because I am alone with him as a significant other.
That’s horrible! I hope you are better now and finding peace! I wish you well…
I was “officially” in a relationship with a DA for 1.5 years and in a “situationship” with him for a year or so before that. We were the best of friends. He left suddenly saying he didn’t think I was “the one” and rebounded quickly. It’s heartbreaking honestly.
It’s ok… to uncomplicate things, just say that the both of you share different sets of values and move on. Always find someone who shares the same sets of values with you.
I am so so sorry this happened to you. I’ve been grieving a 5+ year relationship with a DA. Thais has been SO helpful and therapeutic for the 4 years I’ve been following her here.
Something similar happened to me and he went for someone significantly younger and it he has professed his love to her forever after just a couple months. It’s devastating and heartbreaking knowing he moved on so quickly.
@heather4264 I feel for you. Mine did the same. Weeks after our relationship ending, he got with someone 20 yrs our junior. Devastating.
@@Saraa3354_1 take it from a 42yo…. You have to have at least share some of the same values in the beginning. It will be the glue that keeps you together when time gets hard. If you start off your relationship on an unstable foundation, it’s going to be a rocky ride all the way though.
That's what they do. They say they want to be with you. But then treat you as if they don't. It's exhausting & so confusing!!! You never know what's on their mind or what they really want. It's the most frustrating thing!! Very poor communicators.
i broke no contact after 2 months with an dismissive avoidant, to send a long final textmessage, to stand in for my feelings and values, and to finally go no contact forever, because this "waiting" for them to come back with no contact, is even more self destructive. Its their game, and i dont want to be part of it. Communication is the way to handle things like a mature and emotional grown up person
I hope that the love we shared is still there and that the time away is enough for her to not forget and maybe come back. She's my person...I was her person too 💔
I dated a avoidant who's never made it past 1 year in a relationship. Silly me i ignored the glaring red flag and thought i could change it 🤷🏿♂️
Just don’t beat yourself over it we have all been there ones in our life😂
Mine lasted from Nov 2022 to March 2024 😅😢 she cheated in 6 months to distance herself emotionally & end it wild people
@@devonjahnjez I believe mine cheated to but couldn't prove it.
@@devonjahnjezMine did the same and we were engaged and living together. Nearly 5 years our relationship lasted.
@@cnote3580you’re handsome and seem to be emotionally available, which is rare out here to find. Her loss 🤷🏾♀️
Thanks you for simply being you Thais. You are so warm, so caring, so beautiful on inside and out, so smart. ❤
Interesting timing because my friend and I were just talking about a similar subject last night over drinks. We talked about some of the regrets we had in our past relationships, particularly some of the red flags we decided to work with. She was clearly beating herself up, but I reminded her of something a mutual friend we have said to me when my last relationship ended (hers ended around the same time and we were out for drinks as well). She said, "no use in looking back, it's best to learn from it and move on." It must've been what she needed to hear because she kinda of looked down and chuckled a little. 😅
I know I was a little off topic here, but I'll say that if you're worried about whether your ex regrets the relationship ending, don't. They're an ex for a reason and it's best to focus on learning from it. I remember when an ex of two years friend-zoned me out of the blue (granted she had been showing signs of losing interest, but I kept thinking I could turn things around). She called me up several months later wanting to get together. I hung out and talked with her, but never tried to get her back. 🤷🏿♂️
Please can you do videos on non romantic relationship such as friendships between different attachment styles
Thank you for your suggestion. Will forward this to Thais :)
So, my DA ex and I were together 6 months. Talked about moving in and what we wanted from kids, met each others families and everything. We had differing politics but I didn’t mind it, although she said she did. Dumped me out of the blue and said it was the political differences. I guess I’m struggling accepting that as the reason since it didn’t matter to me that much when so much else synched up with us. Maybe I just need to accept it as the reason and move on.
That was a big issue in my 5yr relationship that ended about 3 mos ago out of the blue. Not the only reason but it was a big one. You know? There was a time when people could be together with different politics but, That subject has gotten so toxic with the inventation of the smartphone, Wait and the media and the politicians speak. A lot of people's brains are just broken and they don't even know why.
A lot of it is just the way males view the world and the way females view the world. I feel for you, but your not alone in this subject
My ex was a school teacher which you know is the worst of the worst when it comes to liberal ideas. She Had a big problem with the fact that I have a gun collection, Most of them vintage historical pieces that are collectible. Now mind you. She met me and I had this 30 year collection that I've been building. And yet it became a problem after five years ? Bizarre
@@thepuffin-ss9lnA lot of it is that now to be on a certain political side is ever more obviously to be signed up ideologically to an extreme cult, and so if you are on the outside of a toxic cult, by definition the programming in the cult is that everyone on the outside is to be distanced from. And of course they’re right - everyone sane really is a threat to the cult.
And to add, when ideas like men can give birth are being pushed, it should be very obvious you are dealing with a very extreme cult!
My ex, who was an FA, dumped me for the same reason. The crazy thing is he lied about his political affiliation at first, and then after a conversation about beliefs, he said he couldn't see a future with me unless I changed my views. He said we could keep dating and not get married since our views differed. I think he framed it that way so I would break things off because he knew I wasn't going to remain in a situation that wasn't going anywhere.
Most painful thing ever. That was two months ago, and I haven't heard from him since.
My FA ex and I were together four years in a mostly good relationship/situationship. After expressing deep feelings, he did the slow fade before monkey branching to another. The new situation was aided by her family, and my ex wanted to" see where it goes ". He wanted to be friends with me. No way. I just let him go. N C forever for me. Knowing him, he has not processed his feelings, nor talked to anyone. He probably is going on with life as usual, or trying to. I have no idea what he is doing. He's probably trying to suppress any guilt. He does casually text from time to time. Kind of sad since we were part of each other's lives, and had shared experiences.
Lol had a perfect thing going for a few months that started out as casual with no expectations. After a few months, I told her I wanted to date her with intention, that I wanted her to consider a future with me, and that I was falling for her. I haven’t spoken with her in 3 weeks at this point
Thais, are you saying that DAs only regret breakups if they’ve been with someone long term?
Thanks your stuff is so helpful ❤
Thanks ❤ much appreciated
She is just great !!
My fearful avoidant girlfriend broke up with me 4 weeks ago, she said she needs the space to work on her mental health. I love her with every fiber of my being. She said ive done NOTHING wrong to cause the breakup, but i cant help feel like its my fault. To be discarded when i did everything to love her makes me feel worthless.
We work together in different departments but still see each other daily. So there cant be no contact, and i see her laugh with frinds and she seems like none of it mattered. This is brutal. Im anxious preoccupied btw. I need help
We were together 9.5months, never fought and rarely disagreed. I gave her everything she ever wanted, but was still rejected.
Move on brother just work on yourself no matter how hard it is. They do have feelings but to scared to face the reality of help. She may comeback but we can only hope no contact could still work if you prioritize getting things done walk pass don’t say anything at all if you see her daily
Stop taking her seriously...u will lose yourself ..
If she wants space, give her all the space she can handle. Work on yourself, hit the gym, learn a new hobby, become a better you. If she comes back around, and she probably will, she'll see a different person. If she doesn't, you're set up to find someone better for you
It hurts, and that’s okay. But you have to develop a growth mindset, and realise that there are so many more options out there for you. The world is a playground waiting to be explored. Don’t resent her laughing with her friends when you feel sad. Accept it and move on. As soon as you let go, things will start getting better. There is a great audio book I can recommend to help you let go. Take care of yourself! No relationship is forever! Even the strong ones! x
Hi Thais. You are simply Amazing. Will you make a video of why a secure attachment can change to Anxious pre-o ocuppied
thank you
Do you have any insights on high functioning autistic avoidant behavior. It seems very similar I’m just not sure if there’s another level to that
If I may, I have Asperger syndrome and also am a DA. The two go very much hand in hand because one is highly logical, also highly empathic but protective of oneself because non-autistic people generally do not meet us on our particular wavelength at all.
Thank you so much for replying. My son is as well so I’m very familiar with how much pain is behind it for them. Life has not been easy for him. I know that better than anyone. I just started dating a man who is very much the same. I’m guessing he is undiagnosed, we haven’t had the conversation. I just seen so many similarities. I believe in kindness and understand that he has needs that most people don’t understand and I have been patient. Unfortunately I think he will keep pushing me away anytime he starts to have feelings for me.
I do remember mildly regretting one breakup, now I think about it. But as time goes on I recognise it was for the best.
That was my second long term relationship. The first was a nightmare and he was a criminal. The second was a sweet man, another DA- possible FA. He had been born addicted to heroin, both parents in addiction, both parents now dead. Him and I both met in recovery. We did alright together and I care for him still from a distance but his gaming addiction and financial irresponsibility turned out to be dealbreakers. Still have massive respect for the guy who by all means beat the odds but staying indoors all day and night gaming has made his mental and emotional state hard to be near. I did try to be friends but his spirals are too much for me personally. He also has a bad habit of introducing one to dangerous street people types that he's trying to rescue and rehabilitate... race supremacists, sex offenders, he takes everyone under his wing and ends up getting trampled every time.
Maybe I was flaw finding? But your girl here just wants to be safe and sane and she really has no interest whatsoever in gaming.
Nahhhh this has nothing to do with being a DA and more having to do with you having healthy boundaries that you weren’t willing to sacrifice
@@Darkempress45do you think that a person cannot be simultaneously DA and have good boundaries worth enforcing? I’m genuinely curious, because I’m a DA and I’ve dumped people due to breached boundaries but dumpees will feel like victims no matter what in my experience.
I’m not sure about DA’s but FA’s will run if your over vulnerable. I’ve seen this a few times
What about if he is the one who choose to break up? How long they come to realize their emotion needs?
My boyfriend of a year broke up with me over a bad month away where i doubted the relationship. He dumped me when we got back over a msg and refused to talk to me over the phone. I believe he is a DA
Im very anxious and i reached out constantly.
I really wanted to fix it with him as i think i pushed him away by doubting us.
Its been 4 months and he hasnt reached out once except the odd reply.
Im finding it really hard to accept its over
I was in a 4.5 years relationsship with a DA. it took him a solid year to call me his girlfriend, because he did not wanted to „label things“. we had good years, but it was exhausting. I did not realise, he was a DA until the break up. I was the one who walked away. I felt stuck and we never took the next step. it been 6 weeks and we are in no concact. he once told me he does not know, how love feels like. so sad. but use to say „you have my hole heart“ „my heart belongs to you“ and he never felt these emotions before..
What a sad story! Just shoot me!
We are currently living together, how does this work? He ended things while I was away via text. I came back and we are being just friends until I have to move out in 6 months
Do you think DA'S are more likely to have addiction issues, maladaptive coping mechanisms?
I'd say yes to both. But all insecure attachment styles have maladaptive ways of relating, communicating, lack/non-existent or strong boundaries and use coping mechanisms that stems from their past traumas. Yes it was for survival initially, but (for those of whom it stems from childhood) it's inner child responses/ reactions. Hence why it's often mentioned that we need to re-parent ourselves.
Yes. Mine drinks and is also an overachiever. She needs to feel worthy and that she's "good enough".
Imagine ending an otherwise decent relationship with someone cause they were 5 minutes late 😅
Yeah that wasn’t the real reason 🤣 at most it was the straw that broke the camels back. But really it was probably just an excuse
What if they have told you they love you and want to be with you, but then suddenly came up with some unjustified flaws and backed out of serious plans. Twice. This relationship started 13 years ago, but back then I didn’t know about dismissive avoidant so I assumed he wasn’t into me. We reconnected recently and feelings came back for both of us, but we live apart. He keeps ghosting and backing out of plans to get together even though he knows I love him and he loves me. I know he has past issues that have caused his avoidant behavior that he has to deal with, but he just is too stubborn to let me help him. I know he trusted me because he said so, but he took a communication we had wrong. He thought I was laughing at him. I said I was trying not to laugh at how stubborn he was being and that was it. Now we have minimal contact so I stopped telling him how much I love him because he acts like he just wants me to move on and be happy though he won’t actually say that.
That's what they do. Like they say, they want to be with you. But then treat you as if they don't. It's exhausting & so confusing!!! You never know what's on their mind or what they really want. It's the most frustrating thing!! Very poor communicators.
What do you mean what if?
@@nevadanites I mean does he regret backing out or not? I have never broken a promise with this person nor judged or demanded anything. I know he is dealing with past wounds. I don’t say “I love you” unless I mean it, so I foolishly believed this person meant it when saying it to me. But obviously I don’t mean as much to him as he does to me, so it seems there is no regret for him about these things. I believe he does regret it because a person without avoidant attachment would. But I just don’t know how a dismissive avoidant really feels. I can only speculate.
@@Chrissy856 I’m not exhausted or confused. I get that he is dealing with this. If he does have regret then I feel really bad for him being paralyzed to be able to speak about it. I’m asking because I want to know if there is anything I can/should do to help him. When I told him I knew he needed space, he said he didn’t need space. He felt like I was ridiculing him when I wasn’t. When he backed off, I backed off because I don’t want to push anything if he would rather just be friends and keep our relationship at a safe distance. I just want to help him whether he wants to be with me or not. But if he has no regrets then he probably doesn’t want any help. He says he’s happy he met me and that I have inspired him, so I know there is no bad blood between us, but I don’t know whether that means he wants me to walk out of his life and just be happy without him or what. DAs seem like they would rather just feel empty than risk being blissfully happy. I have to respect that if that is what he truly wants. I may be making it worse by not walking away.
does timeframe of the relationship play a role in the chances of them coming back?? because i think emotional depth plays a bigger role than the timeframe? its just been 4 months seeing each other before she ghosted me. but on the other hand, i had a relationship breakup after 3 years and didnt feel the same pain at all.
They are vampires that desire the sun. Good luck, they just not worth the work.
Do these ppl. usually seek out therapy? Esp. when they fault-find over silly things?
When you're frozen inwardly rigid with panic and find it immeasurably difficult or even impossible to discuss what is of importance to you, traditional talk therapy is fairly useless unfortunately. What's worked for me and may work for many other DAs is self help, self exploration and also bodywork to unlock all that fear and trauma and anxiety. Through these means I myself have managed to feel better to the point I have closer and more intimate friendships and a better relationship with my family.
To anyone wishing to blame avoidant men, first consider this piece of wisdom: "give me the child until his seventh year, and I will give you the man". Whose is the blame?
The parents? That’s already a known factor
His parents🤷♀️ but if he is an adult and has no clue about attachment styles and is not aware of his behaviour and triggers then actually we can blame him a little for not wanting to address his issues to create healthy relationships. Avoidants don't reflect, apologise or take accountability for discards without reasons. This nearly destroyed me emotionally. I would recommend watching Coach Ryan 😉 he explains very well dynamics with avoidants and he is spot on.
Same could be said for any insecure attachment styles. It tends to stem from childhood traumas most of the time. But that's no excuse for their behaviours now. You called out secure people for not tolerating some of the avoidants behaviours but enabling doesn't help anyone, and that includes the avoidants too.
@@RubyLine Matthew 7: 3 “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?" Secure people wouldn't be activated enough to read the comments on this video, let alone write one.
I don't think there's any blame anywhere. It's generational, right? You could go passing it on right back to caveman times. Humans are imperfect so let's just do the best we can as individuals I really don't want to pathologise my parents because their own were pretty bad too.
Orrrrr, they find someone else two weeks later. Ugh.
I wouldn't mind it tbh. They're just rebounding and turning off their emotions/feelings. It can take them months to face the emotions linked to a break up. Plus, unless they want to heal and take actions towards it, they're bound to repeat the exact same pattern with anyone else. Yes they could be slight changes because the new partners reacts differently or triggers them less. But at the end it'll still keep on happening, even to that new partner. I'm glad to be off the merry-go-round now, and I had been on it for like 3 years. It's absolutely not sustainable if you want a healthy secure relationship in the long run.
You need to start specifying in your titles whether the content is for DISMISSIVE or FEARFUL avoidant styles, or in the intro state that this video applies to both. Otherwise it becomes obvious you are just click baiting, which I hate.
It doesn't matter, avoidants generally act the same
You need to be less rude in your requests. This is free content and she doesn’t owe you a thing. This behavior is probably why you’re here. Be kind.
You should understand it applies to both DA and FA styles.
i broke no contact after 2 months with an dismissive avoidant, to send a long final textmessage, to stand in for my feelings and values, and to finally go no contact forever, because this "waiting" for them to come back with no contact, is even more self destructive. Its their game, and i dont want to be part of it. Communication is the way to handle things like a mature and emotional grown up person
i broke no contact after 2 months with an dismissive avoidant, to send a long final textmessage, to stand in for my feelings and values, and to finally go no contact forever, because this "waiting" for them to come back with no contact, is even more self destructive. Its their game, and i dont want to be part of it. Communication is the way to handle things like a mature and emotional grown up person