Wow poor Ava! She has no idea how this toxicity has affected her all these years. I agree she should be honest with her husband about how hurt she has been. What a loser. What some women will settle for is just amazing. I get that he may be a good husband n father in other ways but that's not enough. Maybe she's been too afraid to say it bc she financially needs him. I don't know a darn thing about the Ethiopian culture n I'm not at all against respecting elders in general but honestly we should be respectful to all people including ourselves. She is far too compassionate and forgiving. Almost like she has Stockholm syndrome. It's not healthy bc it's coming from an unhealthy place. I'd love for her to do John's journaling ideas n I'm surprised he didn't recommend counseling. She's from another culture n adopted this situation with the husband n mother in law has no doubt taken a toll on her that she doesn't fully realize yet. She needs friends. Usually John asks about this
Ava, my mother said that same line to me “I am your mother” and I replied “you damn right you are so act like it, I will respect when you me respect. And I was 45 & I finally stood up to this lifetime bully who felt entitled to my respect because she was my mother.
The more Ava spoke the more I was getting so annoyed and disgusted by her mother in law and her husband. If I were Ava I will keep my kids far far away from her in law she is so evil she might do something or watch the kids gets in danger or unsafe situations without protecting them for payback. The husband needs to grow some balls and stop being mamas boy and a kid. It’s so childish of him to tell his wife to stand up for herself. It shows he has no respect for both his wife, mother and children!! Good luck Ava.
The guy who is baffled by his wife not wanting to be with him, the biggest clue was her saying he doesn't listen. She very well may have laid it out but maybe he just wasn't getting those to be the reason or she's given up trying to have conversations if talking to a wall. I'm glad you insisted on doing counseling because that definitely would come up. I don't know that she necessarily wants to "find herself" I think she perhaps wants to find someone who will accept and listen to her especially these days connection is hard to find after worldly events and advancement in technology/social media. It's hard to say without actually hearing her side as well. Those are my favorite calls so John can really hear both perspectives. I definitely am not putting this husband down I go through this with my guy but we both been through a childhood where we were alone a lot and had to sort of entertain ourselves through our own mind, tv or create characters in our mind as friends. I can catch him or myself get so absorbed in what we are doing that sometimes I'm like oh you were talking what were you saying. Usually when I'm on my computer or doing a craft that I enjoy it is my default to tune out things around me. I think those are important conversations of how does your mind work when perhaps you drift off from conversation, how does it feel when that happens to your partner (not feeling heard is my situation), and really trying to understand someone's past in order to see what parts are showing up in the now in a negative way in order to flip it around for the good.
As for Ava's situation, this is very common in traditional, patriarchal cultures. A woman's primary identity in the world and control of her family is through her sons. (thus the reason that birth of a daughter is a disappointment) And her son's wife is one of the few areas in her life that she gets to be higher in status than someone else, so all her frustration and anger at her place in life is dumped on the only target over which she has power. The son usually thinks that all this doesn't concern him because he's not the one suffering her ire.
Wow that's very interesting and you explained it quite well. Am I mistaken or did she mention they were Hispanic? Is that a majority of the a Hispanic culture? I never knew anyone that well to be that close where they would share that. That's terrible all around but not all of the women n mother in laws lash out like that so there's got to be more to this particular woman. It sounds like she's frequently awful to her but it really resonated with me when she said the mother in law got especially vicious when the other family members were present. Mother in law was definitely using this daughter in law as a scapegoat. My mother used to do this but not nearly to this extent n not to excuse it but mainly after our relationship was going through some rocky times when I was about 35. I didn't recognize it right away but years later I was able to see the pattern n I'm not sure she even realized she was doing it. I had similar rocky relationship with my father but to his credit he never did this and his attitude towards me never seemed to be based on whether my sister n her family were visiting or my brother and his were.. Not to even suggest that his overall treatment of me was fair it kind just that it wasn't so dependent on them. My sister was the very successful golden child who also married a wealth n successful man 15 yrs older n had my parents first 2 grandkids and they lived in the UK ( the rest of the family in either NY or New England at times) so they didn't see them much and never argued, disagreed or ever had a cross word. Not to say they should have but never? Ever? If anything ever bothered my Mother she would never have said it as she was traditionally a stuffer if feelings or as she would say years later, that "she let's things go". But someone like that is never going to have a cross word with their golden child who's only here for 2 weeks a year. And that may be fine. She n my Dad definitely had their share of yelling n arguing with my brother throughout his decades long drug use but during the years I was having a rocky relationship with them bed been clean for a few years n they were of course happy about that n never wanting to rock that boat and possibly trigger a relapse. At this point he had a steady relationship with a woman who would soon be his wife n mother of his son n if course my parents only grandchild nearby. My parents were married still n would continue until my father's death in 2019 but I don't think either of them, especially her would say it was a good or healthy n fulfilling marriage. But they seemed to learn to coexist n not fight often n even do routine things together like travel or go out to dinner etc. So the only person my mother could project all her anger n frustration on was me. No husband to stick up for me. No grandkids she might risk not being able to see when I finally had to put up boundaries. I was also someone she likely thought could take it n would fight back in my own way n I usually did so a pattern can develop.
My financée walked away from engagement saying he doesn’t love me anymore. He is 63, i am heart broken for myself. 😢 I guess some people will never grow up no matter how old they get.
So sorry for you … please take care of and protect your heart during this time. Maybe seek out some professional therapy… they will help you connect the dots and heal. 💕
Family is a choice. You don't have to have anything to do with anyone who you don't want to. Period. Trouble is, a lot of people put up with ongoing and unresolved disrespect from extended family members, precisely because 'it's family'. They also choose to interact with one another with such anti-social behavior, that in any other social context/setting, would have some very immediate consequences. As for the first caller,. I agree with Dr. John -the 'falling out of love' is a mask for something that's happening much deeper. Mixed signals, or one foot in, one foot out, could also mean "No".
She’s going through something and doesn’t know how to discuss it. They NEED therapy. I still love my ex fiancé very deeply but he wouldn’t go to counselling with me which I desperately needed after going through significant trauma. I regret walking away every day
Callers 2 and 3’s experiences were painfully relatable … as well as eye opening. 🥺 Thank you for helping them, for it helped me immensely as well. I get so much out of every ‘episode.’ ✨✊🧡✨
My ex used this line on me. I found out he began talking to the gal he is with. He never told me we were done I found out by looking at the phone records. Im heartbroken and feel betrayed. We have been together for 10 years.
She’s cheating or found someone new. Or maybe she’s realized she’s not in love and doesn’t want him. Regardless, Brian deserves someone who chooses him joyfully. Leave her alone.
@@emptysoul5057he mentioned her brother died at the start of the call and then they never went back to it. Sounds like grief possibly ptsd to me. Counselling will help massively
Much of what you told Ava has happened to me with my husband's daughter. She was 19 when we were dating and 21 when we got married. She lived with him when we first got together and she was so mad she moved back in with her mother. She never treated me or my daughter, who was 17 when we got married and lived with us her senior year of high school and first year in college, and then she moved out to the area her college was in. His daughter never treated any of my family members nicely. We moved about 6 hours away when my husband retired and we would have family Thanksgiving at our home every year with a lot of my family because they lived near us and some came from a distance because it was family. She was so disrespectful of my older aunts and actually laughed in their faces. My husband never said a thing. There were so many instances over the years I could not name them all, the only arguments we ever had involved this daughter. One year though at fathers day none of his kids even called or sent him a card. He was very sad, he had three kids. I sent them all a note how disappointed I was that they made him so sad. The other two kids called him and apologized but the nasty one did not, she in fact did not speak to him for a year. We had such a wonderful year of peace and tranquility. When he was in the hospital dying she came and he made a comment that someone needed to take care of her. His other daughter and I just looked at him, he had Dementia from a head injury. The nasty daughter said how sweet because he still wanted to take care of her. His other daughter and I read it as he was saying it because she was so unliked and had no one. We had a memorial service for him and she came 3 hours late when everyone was leaving. The day after the death she had her brother call the sister who lived with us and helped take care of her dad and wanted to know what I was going to give them and wanted a copy of the trust. Each of his children got a sum of money on his death and she wanted to know when she was going to get hers. I sent them an email telling them the attorney's information and that they needed to call the attorney. They actually made hateful calls to the attorney about the money. They received their money about 60 days after the death and I have never heard one word from the two since then. People will be so cruel if you let them.
So it's not just the one daughter, it's two kids who cut ties with the family? I don't know. I think there's a lot more to the story that your husband told you about how he raised his kids (who were young adults by the time you met them). No one is perfect. Parents always make mistakes. But I think you have rose colored glasses on regarding your own behavior and his. Also you "never" argued with your husband? Sounds healthy. How often did you write letters to those girls telling them how much you enjoyed getting to know them? My guess is, the only time you reached out was with holiday or birthday cards plus that ONE time where you criticized their lack of action on a father's day. Sounds like you're fun to be around. It wasn't just the one "horrible" scapegoat daughter who didn't call. All three of his kids didn't call. That right there doesn't clue you in that something's up? They didn't even call the day after when they realized they forgot. They waited till like a week later once your letters arrived in the mail and they felt your shaming. Yeah, sounds really loving. And you're surprised...
@@NeuroSeasoned yeah there's always more to a story. I have a hard time thinking anyone would actually take the time to lie to people they don't know when they're not out on the spot n don't actually have to say anything. So I almost always give these posts a lot of credibility provided there are no obvious red flags n this one is no exception. But like you said she may be seeing things more skewed than they actually are. Not to say that this daughter or his other kids were somehow blameless or wonderful but like you I think there was more to the story bn I think too many people are far too quick to jump into dating and remarriage instead of focusing on their kids. Often the kids are still very much impacted by the years of stress n tension in the home with their biological parents prior to the separation and divorce and that's if the parents are totally dysfunctional. It's interesting that the one daughter was living with the father at that time as that's not the norm. Was their toxic relationship with the Mom? Not saying the young girl is blameless but again she was a child at that point and going through something hard let alone regular teen stuff at school etc. Why did these 2 have to rush into a marriage (; unless of course they had both beed divorced for a number of years but I rarely see this since the dating sites became a thing. It's all about competing with their ex to see who can look like they moved on first. Lol.
I personally think she's just done with the marriage. This sounds exactly like something I told an ex. It's very possible, that there's someone she has her eye on and has already checked out of the marriage and is working on becoming involved with someone else if she isn't already.
Lynn it's never easy but it sounds like you have the intelligence, awareness, and willingness to navigate the challenges of healing/navigating BPD. Good luck. 💚
The first caller is doing what I’ve done over and over again. It sounds like relationship OCD where she’s doubting everything, if it’s not perfect it’s not good and you have to run, etc.
I noticed that - did he not hear that?? Sounds like she’s grieving and maybe he’s not being supportive since he never mentioned it again which is rather odd!
My first question for the wife who "fell out of love" is have to do with hormones... Did you get pregnant / have a miscarriage (Even if it was one that was two early for you to even have known you were pregnant yet), start/stop/change birth control? Cuz, she sounds like me when I'm depressed but I don't necessarily let myself act out all of the impulses... And perineal depression doesn't get as much press as postpartum depression but it's just as real.
I said something similar to my husband around 8 months into marriage and it was because I found out he’d been keeping seriously big secrets from me all the time Id known him that had a big impact on the marriage.
Ava (last caller) your husband is a coward. I"m sorry. You sound like a loving compassionate person. But your husband has not defended you (which is HORRIBLE) and it sounds like you are the only defense for your children. Let me tell you: DO NOT LET HIS MOTHER AROUND YOUR KIDS! She will take it out on your children! Sadly, I know from personal experience. My ex MIL took it out on my daughter when she visited my ex-husband's family with him. My daughter was young and didn't have the ability to put into words what she was experiencing; it was only after the damage was done that I found out what was going on. DO NOT DO NOT DO NOT LET THAT WOMAN NEAR your kids!!!!! I don't care if that means you are blacklisted by your husband's family or if it causes problems between you and your husband. YOU are worth more than that and YOUR KIDS are worth more than that. If your husband won't stand up for them, you are the parent who must protect them. You can do it, Ava. Be a Mama Bear for your kids.
First caller: that situation comes up frequently on peanut, and I think it's fairly common for young people getting married. Some have used it as an excuse to leave, and others have used it to dig into things and make the relationship better. That's what I've heard from the mom on peanut. And for myself, I've also had those kind of thoughts. But I always go back to my word that I've chosen to describe myself: loyalty. Which told me to keep looking at the different angles of marriage and what's going on. So I can keep fighting for the future that I want.
Sorry, but his wife has no business being in a relationship with anyone right now. Yeah, relationships take work, but they’re supposed to be way more rewarding than the work you put into them. If your partner tells you they’re not in love with you seven months in, there’s nothing to work for.
@@greenAbbot we don't know the particulars though. And I agree with Dr John, making her put it on the line. If she wants to try to work on it or not, Because it will force clarity. I don't like to judge without knowing, but I have heard this exact situation many times. Peanut is an app for mom's, and it's a place where alot of relationship venting happens. So she really needs a solo therapist, to get into it. It might be that she married under false pretenses, or she might have an identity crisis.
@@sackettfamily4685 we don't know the particulars though but apparently she hasn't loved him for a year but she married him 7 months ago. Seems like false pretenses. I don't know how he could ever trust her feelings again. I'd imagine that it could be a horrible way for the husband to feel if they choose to stay together. Hopefully, things will workout for the best even if they don't stay together. I think most men would just be done with it...
@@samh5218 it's a social media app for mom's....which is very odd sounding I know! But it halfway looks like a dating site with profiles and swiping. Only for mom friends (trying to get friends with other moms), and the other half operates like a thread of questions. Which is it's primary use....
If the first caller just gave her space she would probably develop feelings again. Women need to wonder about you in order to fall in love. Give her some time to miss you.
Ava , I’m so sorry you are in that situation. Not sure what race he is, but this as a Mexican I tell you this is not the “normal” for our culture. It sounds like she’s a narcissist and she obviously still has power over him.
In the 1st situation I could totally see that the woman might be feeling like the husband is possibly abusive. I had the same feelings when I was with my ex fiance I didn't know at the time exactly what I was feeling but I knew something wasn't right. Does that mean that there's possibly exactly what Mr. John was saying that maybe she met somebody maybe she's already cheating I can't say that that's not the case. But in my case I had those same if you want to call them excuses when I wanted to actually end the relationship with my ex fiance. But as time went on with the space that I needed and the outside perspective once I finally gotten out of this situation I finally started to understand why I felt like things were not right and it was because there was a lot of gas lighting, there was a lot of emotional abuse, there was a little bit of Sexual abuse. There was also a lot of Isolation and it took me about 6 months to realize what was going on. So it's not always cheating or the mindset to cheat, there could be more going on that maybeBe causing her to feel things that she doesn't necessarily have a name for yet.
49:52 This guy needs some serious therapy. He literally let his wife be abused. He knew his mom was going to hurt her. And he will not take accountability. How freaking hard is it to just get in between two people?? He doesn't have to hurt his mom. He doesn't even have to speak to his mom. He doesn't even have to speak to his wife during those times.. He just puts himself between them and stops what's happening. He definitely needs the help of a therapist to realize what he's done is so wrong. Clearly the mother-in-law needs therapy as well!!! Living so angry like that is no way to live
For the first caller,he sounds shell shocked n i can understand why. He deserves better though. I was curious how old they were n how long they dated prior to marriage. I think John was very accurate in laying out the likely possibilities n i think the last one was definitely true. I see her as a childish, selfish coward. Tell the darn guy... your husband what the problem is. You're not going to hurt him smy more than you already have n by dragging it out and then subtly or not so subtly trying to provoke him in some way to try to make it his fault will make him second guess every relationship he is in. Even one that seems good n with someone he has kids with. So this woman being selfish n inconsiderate effecte him n other people down the line n if she's not a full sociopath it will lead ger further down a path if no integrity n likely shame and thet too will affect her future relationships. We are all entertwined in ways we dont see. Ge deserves far better. Anyone who cant tell you what the reason is doesn't have a good reason n that's a them problem.
Is it just me , but i notice over the years the nice guys end up with the witchy , vindictive women an the nice women end up with the jerk an cheaters .the first caller his new wife has a new guy an already moved on an doesn't know how to tell him i am guessing
It could be, but you have a point about your first impression. Mostly, because nice people are often people pleaser and attract these bad people like magnets. But in the end, everyone is in charge to stand up for themselves. It's about boundaries and keep them. Sometimes you have to learn it the hard way 😢 About the woman in the first call, without her side it's impossible to say what is going on. Maybe she was only in love of being married. Or it's caused of hormone imbalances. It's difficult to know... or the guy isn't that great as he represents himself...
Maybe… he sounds pretty non-confrontational… it’s difficult to tell, so I’m glad John is suggesting he get a yes or no answer as to if she is in with some counseling. It is concerning that it’s so soon and wreaks of her eye being caught by someone else. The man deserves to have a woman that can commit.
I hear you but I believe once your married you should work out your problems as a married adult couple , stay on the couch, don't go running to mom and dad to work it out..
@@Brewed802 It would be nice to get both sides of the story.. but I think it takes more strength to stay and work it out as opposed to running away from the problem..
Have the therapy it is so so important. I pushed my partner away but also my partner didn’t support me with having couples counselling after I’d been through severe trauma. I felt so unsupported and unsafe during this time and I really needed help connecting with him that was all. But he wouldn’t and now here I am feeling massively abandoned. I can’t believe the man I was going to marry just watch me go through all that and didn’t even hold me and tell me that everything was going to be ok. Instead he acted like a stranger and expected me to do all the therapy on my own. I don’t think I’ll ever get into another romantic relationship again up to then I’d trusted him with my life. Never again
@Kera Jaay read the fine print on the box. One paragraph on my wife's said, "if you are about to get married, stop taking this for 6 months prior to the wedding" because things like smells, tastes, and preferences change.
This is common birth control makes women prefer what they would prefer pregnant. So pregnant women prefer low testosterone and people who are slightly related to her maternal family. Off birth control women prefer stone cold Steve Austin levels of bravado. I wouldn't take hormonal birth control I didn't wanna fall in love with chemicals and then fall out in an instant once I came off the pills. Birth control is no joke
That first one the wife clearly didn't hear caprichosa and dodge chanclas growing up because if she had she'd have not been wishy-washy as an adult either that or he quit dating her after marriage my guy did that he was sweet as sugar while we were dating but as soon as our very first night together he was just complaining and whining and wanted to go out drinking but I said boy what's up why the sudden change and it turns out men are mean when they are scared and feel inadequate so that ironed out but idk that lady sounds lame I blame her on the first one
I’m sorry but this guy Dr is so wrong. I was married and within a few months I started noticing my partner being unreceptive. I would communicate how much we don’t connect, we don’t talk, he doesn’t take an interest anymore or ask questions and then he’d watch tv, fall asleep and expect sex but there was NO CONNECTION! She feels it inside that this is dying or a dead end and wanting to leave. If he doesn’t get her he doesn’t get her and that should be sufficient enough. With my ex husband his touch would make my skin crawl. Relationship was all about sex and companionship but he would fall asleep if I wanted to discuss our future together. No thanks. She needs space to feel herself out without him bc she wants to make sure it really is them or if it’s just her. If it’s just her she can work on herself. If she finds out it’s them then she can identify what it is.
Its sad but in most states in the USA the state leans to the women in marriage in divorce. So what does the women have to lose ? taking half of what he owns and dips to someone better its a crazy world out there
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Its shameful that a mother in ław would treat her daughter in ław this way. The son needs to stand up for his wife.
It’s great to respect your mom. The wife comes before the mother. Husbands need a backbone. Simple.
Fat wives need to slim down. Mother FTW!
Fatties need to slim down. Mother-in-law FTW.
Wow poor Ava! She has no idea how this toxicity has affected her all these years. I agree she should be honest with her husband about how hurt she has been. What a loser. What some women will settle for is just amazing. I get that he may be a good husband n father in other ways but that's not enough. Maybe she's been too afraid to say it bc she financially needs him. I don't know a darn thing about the Ethiopian culture n I'm not at all against respecting elders in general but honestly we should be respectful to all people including ourselves. She is far too compassionate and forgiving. Almost like she has Stockholm syndrome. It's not healthy bc it's coming from an unhealthy place. I'd love for her to do John's journaling ideas n I'm surprised he didn't recommend counseling. She's from another culture n adopted this situation with the husband n mother in law has no doubt taken a toll on her that she doesn't fully realize yet. She needs friends. Usually John asks about this
Ava, my mother said that same line to me “I am your mother” and I replied “you damn right you are so act like it, I will respect when you me respect. And I was 45 & I finally stood up to this lifetime bully who felt entitled to my respect because she was my mother.
Good for you👏🏼
The more Ava spoke the more I was getting so annoyed and disgusted by her mother in law and her husband. If I were Ava I will keep my kids far far away from her in law she is so evil she might do something or watch the kids gets in danger or unsafe situations without protecting them for payback. The husband needs to grow some balls and stop being mamas boy and a kid. It’s so childish of him to tell his wife to stand up for herself. It shows he has no respect for both his wife, mother and children!! Good luck Ava.
The guy who is baffled by his wife not wanting to be with him, the biggest clue was her saying he doesn't listen. She very well may have laid it out but maybe he just wasn't getting those to be the reason or she's given up trying to have conversations if talking to a wall. I'm glad you insisted on doing counseling because that definitely would come up. I don't know that she necessarily wants to "find herself" I think she perhaps wants to find someone who will accept and listen to her especially these days connection is hard to find after worldly events and advancement in technology/social media. It's hard to say without actually hearing her side as well. Those are my favorite calls so John can really hear both perspectives. I definitely am not putting this husband down I go through this with my guy but we both been through a childhood where we were alone a lot and had to sort of entertain ourselves through our own mind, tv or create characters in our mind as friends. I can catch him or myself get so absorbed in what we are doing that sometimes I'm like oh you were talking what were you saying. Usually when I'm on my computer or doing a craft that I enjoy it is my default to tune out things around me. I think those are important conversations of how does your mind work when perhaps you drift off from conversation, how does it feel when that happens to your partner (not feeling heard is my situation), and really trying to understand someone's past in order to see what parts are showing up in the now in a negative way in order to flip it around for the good.
Ava, I married the last boy in a family similar to yours. Your husband needs to defend you. If he does his mother is powerless.
As for Ava's situation, this is very common in traditional, patriarchal cultures. A woman's primary identity in the world and control of her family is through her sons. (thus the reason that birth of a daughter is a disappointment) And her son's wife is one of the few areas in her life that she gets to be higher in status than someone else, so all her frustration and anger at her place in life is dumped on the only target over which she has power. The son usually thinks that all this doesn't concern him because he's not the one suffering her ire.
Prime example of this is the show Animal Kingdom.
Wow that's very interesting and you explained it quite well. Am I mistaken or did she mention they were Hispanic? Is that a majority of the a Hispanic culture? I never knew anyone that well to be that close where they would share that. That's terrible all around but not all of the women n mother in laws lash out like that so there's got to be more to this particular woman. It sounds like she's frequently awful to her but it really resonated with me when she said the mother in law got especially vicious when the other family members were present. Mother in law was definitely using this daughter in law as a scapegoat. My mother used to do this but not nearly to this extent n not to excuse it but mainly after our relationship was going through some rocky times when I was about 35. I didn't recognize it right away but years later I was able to see the pattern n I'm not sure she even realized she was doing it. I had similar rocky relationship with my father but to his credit he never did this and his attitude towards me never seemed to be based on whether my sister n her family were visiting or my brother and his were.. Not to even suggest that his overall treatment of me was fair it kind just that it wasn't so dependent on them. My sister was the very successful golden child who also married a wealth n successful man 15 yrs older n had my parents first 2 grandkids and they lived in the UK ( the rest of the family in either NY or New England at times) so they didn't see them much and never argued, disagreed or ever had a cross word. Not to say they should have but never? Ever? If anything ever bothered my Mother she would never have said it as she was traditionally a stuffer if feelings or as she would say years later, that "she let's things go". But someone like that is never going to have a cross word with their golden child who's only here for 2 weeks a year. And that may be fine. She n my Dad definitely had their share of yelling n arguing with my brother throughout his decades long drug use but during the years I was having a rocky relationship with them bed been clean for a few years n they were of course happy about that n never wanting to rock that boat and possibly trigger a relapse. At this point he had a steady relationship with a woman who would soon be his wife n mother of his son n if course my parents only grandchild nearby. My parents were married still n would continue until my father's death in 2019 but I don't think either of them, especially her would say it was a good or healthy n fulfilling marriage. But they seemed to learn to coexist n not fight often n even do routine things together like travel or go out to dinner etc. So the only person my mother could project all her anger n frustration on was me. No husband to stick up for me. No grandkids she might risk not being able to see when I finally had to put up boundaries. I was also someone she likely thought could take it n would fight back in my own way n I usually did so a pattern can develop.
My financée walked away from engagement saying he doesn’t love me anymore. He is 63, i am heart broken for myself. 😢 I guess some people will never grow up no matter how old they get.
So sorry for you … please take care of and protect your heart during this time. Maybe seek out some professional therapy… they will help you connect the dots and heal. 💕
I'm sorry you are going through this. You have to learn to care for yourself again as a single person.
Family is a choice. You don't have to have anything to do with anyone who you don't want to. Period. Trouble is, a lot of people put up with ongoing and unresolved disrespect from extended family members, precisely because 'it's family'. They also choose to interact with one another with such anti-social behavior, that in any other social context/setting, would have some very immediate consequences. As for the first caller,. I agree with Dr. John -the 'falling out of love' is a mask for something that's happening much deeper. Mixed signals, or one foot in, one foot out, could also mean "No".
She’s going through something and doesn’t know how to discuss it. They NEED therapy. I still love my ex fiancé very deeply but he wouldn’t go to counselling with me which I desperately needed after going through significant trauma. I regret walking away every day
Not gonna lie… John missed an opportunity when Ava offered to put her husband on the phone.
Sounds like the show was running out of time. But it would have been great for Dr. Delony to confront him!
He never lets a 2nd caller
Callers 2 and 3’s experiences were painfully relatable … as well as eye opening. 🥺
Thank you for helping them, for it helped me immensely as well.
I get so much out of every ‘episode.’ ✨✊🧡✨
I love you, I'm just not in love with you= I cheated, I want to cheat.
😮
💯
Yup
💯
My ex used this line on me. I found out he began talking to the gal he is with. He never told me we were done I found out by looking at the phone records. Im heartbroken and feel betrayed. We have been together for 10 years.
She’s cheating or found someone new. Or maybe she’s realized she’s not in love and doesn’t want him. Regardless, Brian deserves someone who chooses him joyfully. Leave her alone.
Right he should run while he's just in the beginning
@@emptysoul5057he mentioned her brother died at the start of the call and then they never went back to it. Sounds like grief possibly ptsd to me. Counselling will help massively
Much of what you told Ava has happened to me with my husband's daughter. She was 19 when we were dating and 21 when we got married. She lived with him when we first got together and she was so mad she moved back in with her mother. She never treated me or my daughter, who was 17 when we got married and lived with us her senior year of high school and first year in college, and then she moved out to the area her college was in. His daughter never treated any of my family members nicely. We moved about 6 hours away when my husband retired and we would have family Thanksgiving at our home every year with a lot of my family because they lived near us and some came from a distance because it was family. She was so disrespectful of my older aunts and actually laughed in their faces. My husband never said a thing. There were so many instances over the years I could not name them all, the only arguments we ever had involved this daughter. One year though at fathers day none of his kids even called or sent him a card. He was very sad, he had three kids. I sent them all a note how disappointed I was that they made him so sad. The other two kids called him and apologized but the nasty one did not, she in fact did not speak to him for a year. We had such a wonderful year of peace and tranquility. When he was in the hospital dying she came and he made a comment that someone needed to take care of her. His other daughter and I just looked at him, he had Dementia from a head injury. The nasty daughter said how sweet because he still wanted to take care of her. His other daughter and I read it as he was saying it because she was so unliked and had no one. We had a memorial service for him and she came 3 hours late when everyone was leaving. The day after the death she had her brother call the sister who lived with us and helped take care of her dad and wanted to know what I was going to give them and wanted a copy of the trust. Each of his children got a sum of money on his death and she wanted to know when she was going to get hers. I sent them an email telling them the attorney's information and that they needed to call the attorney. They actually made hateful calls to the attorney about the money. They received their money about 60 days after the death and I have never heard one word from the two since then. People will be so cruel if you let them.
So it's not just the one daughter, it's two kids who cut ties with the family? I don't know. I think there's a lot more to the story that your husband told you about how he raised his kids (who were young adults by the time you met them). No one is perfect. Parents always make mistakes. But I think you have rose colored glasses on regarding your own behavior and his. Also you "never" argued with your husband? Sounds healthy.
How often did you write letters to those girls telling them how much you enjoyed getting to know them? My guess is, the only time you reached out was with holiday or birthday cards plus that ONE time where you criticized their lack of action on a father's day. Sounds like you're fun to be around.
It wasn't just the one "horrible" scapegoat daughter who didn't call. All three of his kids didn't call. That right there doesn't clue you in that something's up? They didn't even call the day after when they realized they forgot. They waited till like a week later once your letters arrived in the mail and they felt your shaming. Yeah, sounds really loving. And you're surprised...
@@NeuroSeasoned yeah there's always more to a story. I have a hard time thinking anyone would actually take the time to lie to people they don't know when they're not out on the spot n don't actually have to say anything. So I almost always give these posts a lot of credibility provided there are no obvious red flags n this one is no exception. But like you said she may be seeing things more skewed than they actually are. Not to say that this daughter or his other kids were somehow blameless or wonderful but like you I think there was more to the story bn I think too many people are far too quick to jump into dating and remarriage instead of focusing on their kids. Often the kids are still very much impacted by the years of stress n tension in the home with their biological parents prior to the separation and divorce and that's if the parents are totally dysfunctional. It's interesting that the one daughter was living with the father at that time as that's not the norm. Was their toxic relationship with the Mom? Not saying the young girl is blameless but again she was a child at that point and going through something hard let alone regular teen stuff at school etc. Why did these 2 have to rush into a marriage (; unless of course they had both beed divorced for a number of years but I rarely see this since the dating sites became a thing. It's all about competing with their ex to see who can look like they moved on first. Lol.
Dr. John, you are saving my life and marriage. I wish I had found your show yrs ago. Thanks for all you do. It's appreciated. ❤❤
Shout-out HSV, my homie!! Glad you called. Hope things are feeling better. ❤
It was excruciating to listen to Ava.
I personally think she's just done with the marriage. This sounds exactly like something I told an ex. It's very possible, that there's someone she has her eye on and has already checked out of the marriage and is working on becoming involved with someone else if she isn't already.
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR YOUR ADVICE REGARDING TOXIC IN-LAWS (last call)!
Thanks John, I finally I found someone that’s more awkward than me lol. Now I don’t feel so alone! Love you and your podcast John!
Really? He’s about 2% as awkward as me.
Lynn it's never easy but it sounds like you have the intelligence, awareness, and willingness to navigate the challenges of healing/navigating BPD. Good luck. 💚
The first caller is doing what I’ve done over and over again. It sounds like relationship OCD where she’s doubting everything, if it’s not perfect it’s not good and you have to run, etc.
That could be … I’ve been married just a year, but with my husband for 11 … he has OCD he seems to have the same thoughts you mentioned…
Interesting.
He stated her brother passed away if they were close that could have changed her perspective on life
I noticed that - did he not hear that?? Sounds like she’s grieving and maybe he’s not being supportive since he never mentioned it again which is rather odd!
2nd caller- BPD….. I relate to this so much. 9 years of experiencing the ups and downs of me loving my BPD wife. ❤❤❤
Never again bro
sweet 💖
My first question for the wife who "fell out of love" is have to do with hormones... Did you get pregnant / have a miscarriage (Even if it was one that was two early for you to even have known you were pregnant yet), start/stop/change birth control?
Cuz, she sounds like me when I'm depressed but I don't necessarily let myself act out all of the impulses... And perineal depression doesn't get as much press as postpartum depression but it's just as real.
I said something similar to my husband around 8 months into marriage and it was because I found out he’d been keeping seriously big secrets from me all the time Id known him that had a big impact on the marriage.
Ava (last caller) your husband is a coward. I"m sorry. You sound like a loving compassionate person. But your husband has not defended you (which is HORRIBLE) and it sounds like you are the only defense for your children. Let me tell you: DO NOT LET HIS MOTHER AROUND YOUR KIDS! She will take it out on your children! Sadly, I know from personal experience. My ex MIL took it out on my daughter when she visited my ex-husband's family with him. My daughter was young and didn't have the ability to put into words what she was experiencing; it was only after the damage was done that I found out what was going on. DO NOT DO NOT DO NOT LET THAT WOMAN NEAR your kids!!!!! I don't care if that means you are blacklisted by your husband's family or if it causes problems between you and your husband. YOU are worth more than that and YOUR KIDS are worth more than that. If your husband won't stand up for them, you are the parent who must protect them. You can do it, Ava. Be a Mama Bear for your kids.
👏🏻
Yes something is sabotaging my relationships I have severe cptsd and have no idea how to heal
First caller: that situation comes up frequently on peanut, and I think it's fairly common for young people getting married. Some have used it as an excuse to leave, and others have used it to dig into things and make the relationship better. That's what I've heard from the mom on peanut.
And for myself, I've also had those kind of thoughts. But I always go back to my word that I've chosen to describe myself: loyalty.
Which told me to keep looking at the different angles of marriage and what's going on. So I can keep fighting for the future that I want.
Sorry, but his wife has no business being in a relationship with anyone right now. Yeah, relationships take work, but they’re supposed to be way more rewarding than the work you put into them. If your partner tells you they’re not in love with you seven months in, there’s nothing to work for.
@@greenAbbot we don't know the particulars though. And I agree with Dr John, making her put it on the line. If she wants to try to work on it or not, Because it will force clarity. I don't like to judge without knowing, but I have heard this exact situation many times. Peanut is an app for mom's, and it's a place where alot of relationship venting happens. So she really needs a solo therapist, to get into it. It might be that she married under false pretenses, or she might have an identity crisis.
@@sackettfamily4685 we don't know the particulars though but apparently she hasn't loved him for a year but she married him 7 months ago. Seems like false pretenses. I don't know how he could ever trust her feelings again. I'd imagine that it could be a horrible way for the husband to feel if they choose to stay together. Hopefully, things will workout for the best even if they don't stay together.
I think most men would just be done with it...
What is peanut? A website or something?
@@samh5218 it's a social media app for mom's....which is very odd sounding I know! But it halfway looks like a dating site with profiles and swiping. Only for mom friends (trying to get friends with other moms), and the other half operates like a thread of questions. Which is it's primary use....
Another great show Dr Delony! Thank you
If the first caller just gave her space she would probably develop feelings again. Women need to wonder about you in order to fall in love. Give her some time to miss you.
How about the other way around?
He did do that. He separated himself from her.
She needs space all right. Space to bang her new man and not be disturbed.
They need therapy ❤
Ava , I’m so sorry you are in that situation. Not sure what race he is, but this as a Mexican I tell you this is not the “normal” for our culture.
It sounds like she’s a narcissist and she obviously still has power over him.
Exactly, I married into a Mexican American family and my MIL is a sweetheart and would never be like this woman
How do you stay with a man who doesn’t defend you? I don’t understand that…🤦♀️🤷♀️
Dr deloney I think you're wonderful
In the 1st situation I could totally see that the woman might be feeling like the husband is possibly abusive. I had the same feelings when I was with my ex fiance I didn't know at the time exactly what I was feeling but I knew something wasn't right. Does that mean that there's possibly exactly what Mr. John was saying that maybe she met somebody maybe she's already cheating I can't say that that's not the case. But in my case I had those same if you want to call them excuses when I wanted to actually end the relationship with my ex fiance. But as time went on with the space that I needed and the outside perspective once I finally gotten out of this situation I finally started to understand why I felt like things were not right and it was because there was a lot of gas lighting, there was a lot of emotional abuse, there was a little bit of Sexual abuse. There was also a lot of Isolation and it took me about 6 months to realize what was going on. So it's not always cheating or the mindset to cheat, there could be more going on that maybeBe causing her to feel things that she doesn't necessarily have a name for yet.
49:52 This guy needs some serious therapy. He literally let his wife be abused. He knew his mom was going to hurt her. And he will not take accountability.
How freaking hard is it to just get in between two people?? He doesn't have to hurt his mom. He doesn't even have to speak to his mom. He doesn't even have to speak to his wife during those times.. He just puts himself between them and stops what's happening.
He definitely needs the help of a therapist to realize what he's done is so wrong.
Clearly the mother-in-law needs therapy as well!!! Living so angry like that is no way to live
Bold of you to assume I have relationships.
Dr. John, “I call this thumbnail Blue Steel” Delony
Last caller making so many excuses for him
For the first caller,he sounds shell shocked n i can understand why. He deserves better though. I was curious how old they were n how long they dated prior to marriage. I think John was very accurate in laying out the likely possibilities n i think the last one was definitely true. I see her as a childish, selfish coward. Tell the darn guy... your husband what the problem is. You're not going to hurt him smy more than you already have n by dragging it out and then subtly or not so subtly trying to provoke him in some way to try to make it his fault will make him second guess every relationship he is in. Even one that seems good n with someone he has kids with. So this woman being selfish n inconsiderate effecte him n other people down the line n if she's not a full sociopath it will lead ger further down a path if no integrity n likely shame and thet too will affect her future relationships. We are all entertwined in ways we dont see. Ge deserves far better. Anyone who cant tell you what the reason is doesn't have a good reason n that's a them problem.
49:00 well, that's bull. Don't get me wrong, i undesrtand that she wants that. But it cannot be "all" she wants, she will want more.
Is it just me , but i notice over the years the nice guys end up with the witchy , vindictive women an the nice women end up with the jerk an cheaters .the first caller his new wife has a new guy an already moved on an doesn't know how to tell him i am guessing
It could be, but you have a point about your first impression. Mostly, because nice people are often people pleaser and attract these bad people like magnets. But in the end, everyone is in charge to stand up for themselves. It's about boundaries and keep them. Sometimes you have to learn it the hard way 😢 About the woman in the first call, without her side it's impossible to say what is going on. Maybe she was only in love of being married. Or it's caused of hormone imbalances. It's difficult to know... or the guy isn't that great as he represents himself...
@@ireefree2024 great point
If you treat them like a celebrity, they will treat you like a fan.
He’s got the look 🎵😄
Sing it Doctor John! 😂
Maybe you shouldn't have left and actually fought for her love..by leaving she probably thought you didn't care..🤔
Maybe… he sounds pretty non-confrontational… it’s difficult to tell, so I’m glad John is suggesting he get a yes or no answer as to if she is in with some counseling. It is concerning that it’s so soon and wreaks of her eye being caught by someone else.
The man deserves to have a woman that can commit.
I hear you but I believe once your married you should work out your problems as a married adult couple , stay on the couch, don't go running to mom and dad to work it out..
He needs to not be a doormat. Period. If he has a spine it’s much more attractive.
@@Brewed802 It would be nice to get both sides of the story.. but I think it takes more strength to stay and work it out as opposed to running away from the problem..
Have the therapy it is so so important. I pushed my partner away but also my partner didn’t support me with having couples counselling after I’d been through severe trauma. I felt so unsupported and unsafe during this time and I really needed help connecting with him that was all. But he wouldn’t and now here I am feeling massively abandoned. I can’t believe the man I was going to marry just watch me go through all that and didn’t even hold me and tell me that everything was going to be ok. Instead he acted like a stranger and expected me to do all the therapy on my own. I don’t think I’ll ever get into another romantic relationship again up to then I’d trusted him with my life. Never again
Waaaaaaay too long. Just keep going and gong. Next!
They wrote bipolar even though she said she has borderline :/ i think thats the first time ive seen them caption it wrong
My wife did the same thing. She got off birth control, it stopped in a couple weeks.
Omg I ever made that connection but it definitely could be a reason why my moods are so up and down😮
@Kera Jaay read the fine print on the box. One paragraph on my wife's said, "if you are about to get married, stop taking this for 6 months prior to the wedding" because things like smells, tastes, and preferences change.
@@gregwilliams9 I’ve heard about these things and this is so crazy!! Wow. Definitely will keep that in mind if I get married !
This is common birth control makes women prefer what they would prefer pregnant. So pregnant women prefer low testosterone and people who are slightly related to her maternal family. Off birth control women prefer stone cold Steve Austin levels of bravado. I wouldn't take hormonal birth control I didn't wanna fall in love with chemicals and then fall out in an instant once I came off the pills. Birth control is no joke
This is a really interesting comment section, thanks everyone
Caller number 1, his wife is cheating and she’s going to vilify him to justify her actions.
You need to find out if she is cheating.
That first one the wife clearly didn't hear caprichosa and dodge chanclas growing up because if she had she'd have not been wishy-washy as an adult either that or he quit dating her after marriage my guy did that he was sweet as sugar while we were dating but as soon as our very first night together he was just complaining and whining and wanted to go out drinking but I said boy what's up why the sudden change and it turns out men are mean when they are scared and feel inadequate so that ironed out but idk that lady sounds lame I blame her on the first one
They may have been married for seven months, but maybe she is bored of being married.
"He's in the other room. I can go get him"
Deloney was shook 🫣
True as
How do you know if it's really over though?
I’m sorry but this guy Dr is so wrong. I was married and within a few months I started noticing my partner being unreceptive. I would communicate how much we don’t connect, we don’t talk, he doesn’t take an interest anymore or ask questions and then he’d watch tv, fall asleep and expect sex but there was NO CONNECTION! She feels it inside that this is dying or a dead end and wanting to leave. If he doesn’t get her he doesn’t get her and that should be sufficient enough. With my ex husband his touch would make my skin crawl. Relationship was all about sex and companionship but he would fall asleep if I wanted to discuss our future together. No thanks. She needs space to feel herself out without him bc she wants to make sure it really is them or if it’s just her. If it’s just her she can work on herself. If she finds out it’s them then she can identify what it is.
There is another man in the picture. Mark my words
Its sad but in most states in the USA the state leans to the women in marriage in divorce. So what does the women have to lose ? taking half of what he owns and dips to someone better its a crazy world out there
His marriage is over. Just end it.
Like like like. That word is over used
She must have thought marriage would fix all of her problems.
Only God can fix her problems... she hasn't found meaning in life
First caller….. run and watch the fresh and fit podcast!!!!! She wanted a wedding, not to be a wife
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