How to have the End of Life Conversation
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- Опубліковано 7 сер 2024
- In this weeks video we talk about having the End of Life Conversation with your family, friends, and loved ones. It's a difficult conversation and it's okay to not know what to say! I hope you enjoy these suggestions for how to have that end of life conversation.
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For 6 years, I was caregiver for my wife (of 52 years.) The hardest thing I've ever done was to tell her that there was nothing more the doctors could do. That she didn't have long to live. We both cried. She passed on 3 days later. That's 5 years ago, and it still brings tears to my eyes.
I’d be surprised if it didn’t bring tears to your eyes. It’s a very special intimate conversation in your life. It brings back a sadness but it was said with love. It is what it is and you understand it. Best wishes.
Thank you for sharing your story ❤
She had your love 💕.. 🐝 bee happy for that..
My father died very young.
When. I was a child he was a horrid alcoholic & was very violent to us. He always said he never remembered doing anything to us. I was so young- I had no idea what a blackout was.
He went to treatment, got clean & stayed clean.
Fast forward to Thanksgiving 1999. He told us he had liver/pancreatic cancer- stage 4& from his drinking.
In Jan of 2000, he decided he did not want to die in a hospital. I was an EMT in the Air Force so his Drs allowed me to give his palliative care.
About 2 weeks before he died, he came up to me & said he remembered everything he did to me & he was sorry.
I didn’t say anything at first.
After about 15 seconds I said I knew he didn’t remember & I thanked him for trying to make me feel better. It was ok that he didnt remember. I told him that I am who I am because of how I grew up & I told him I love him & 100% forgive him.
We just sat together & watched a movie. I put my head on his shoulder like I did as a child. A handful of days later I helped my Mom through his death. I helped her through the death rattle & I gave him a last dose of meds & pronounced him dead. There is more to the story, but I closed his eyes & my mother & I gave his soul to God. It was actually very beautiful!
I struggled with his death for years after but I finally found my peace in knowing I gave him peace.
I miss him so much! ❤❤❤
Thank you so much for sharing, I’m so glad you’re here
Yes, all of us are GOD’s creations and we really need to go and give our lives and souls of those whom we pray to CHRIST every day for HIS perfect redemption for them.
Bless you sister
…Whom we pray for
Amazing!
When my mom was in hospice; she had a moment of visioning and lucidity. She had dementia. When she was speaking I wrote everything she said and asked questions. I found the notes I took very comforting after she passed.
I'm a Hospice Liaison for Compassus Hospice here in Milwaukee and this afternoon I had a Kitchen Table conversation with a family and patient, in their home for an hour, explaining hospice, answering thier questions but MOSTLY...just listening! In the end they said, "Thank You! No one ever listened to us before and explained Hospice to us in such simple, relateable terms" As I told my kids as they grew up, "You learn more by listening than by talking" Good Advice Always! I am proud of the work we do.
Jeff!!! This is amazing!!! Thank you!!!
@@hospicenursejulie No, Thank You! I have learned so much from you and I consistently promote your Channel, your compassionate guidance, to my peers and to people I meet in both my professional and personal life. You are making a difference Julie!
I was my mother's caregiver for 4 months until she died from lung cancer. She was in complete denial about the fact that she was dying until the day she died. She would get very upset if you so much as alluded to it. That was the way she chose to deal with it so I honored that. BOY was that difficult!!! 😢
Sssooooo difficult BUT YES- it’s all you can do 🥹🥹🥹❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
Same with my mom. The lady couldn't go more than a few days my entire life without talking to me and she died without saying goodbye. I'm having trouble dealing with this.😔
I'm in that exact situation right now. My husband is stage 4 pancreatic cancer and he refuses to accept that outcome. It's hard because he has declined so much but refuses to get on Hospice. I'm doing the best I can but sure wish I had a Hospice team to help me for my husband's sake.
@@missanthropy5808 ((HUGS))
@@missanthropy5808 I'm so sorry. This may sound hokey but maybe write her a letter. It may help you find some sense of closure, at least on your end. ♥️🙏
I was a nurse for a young teenager only 14 years old who was dying, and stayed home with her parents in her last days. I took care of her medicationpump for painrelief. She did not want to talk a lot about about what was happening to her, i just listened and try to let her know i was there for her. It was also important to give attention to her parants because it is such a painfull process for them too, they were more open and I listend to what they were going through. On last day i came, she was so tired and weak, but still she opened her eyes with a lot of effort and said in a soft voice and a dim sile, thank you. I was so moved, to want to use all her strenght to thank me just for being there.
The day before my open-heart surgery (in 2020 - remember.... Pandemic) my wife was allowed to visit me. My aunt from Holland called me too. It was tough for all of us, but we started, and we laughed about the silly things we had experienced, the vacations, the first time we met. I have always been an open book to my family, and then we decided to visit the chapel in the hospital. We spoke to the minister, we said prayers, and I just did not want it to end. The morning of the surgery, a social worker from the chapel came by. I was at peace when I walked in the operation room, knowing full well this could be the end. According to the surgeon, it was "not the average" surgery, but I was thankful I survived. After my NDE in 1989 and two other major surgeries, this was the one that I am most grateful for. We talk about life and death in our family in a much more open way. My mother-in-law is slowly slipping into dementia, but we visit her as much as we can, even when she is not recognizing us all the time. I asked her: What do you want us to do the day you are no longer with us. She was shocked, she did not know what to answer, and my wife kicked my shin. But she was with us and at least coherent. She told me that she had never thought of it. I took a piece of paper and wrote on the top: This is what I want the family to do when I die. She has a will, we purchased a place in a memorial wall, but that is not what we should be doing. Three weeks ago, she handed my wife the paper, and she had written many things on it. My brothers-in-law also had seen her write on it and thought it was a great idea. So we have our marching orders. Not everyone has the chance to prepare the way, and as you said there are often many regrets. I never had a chance to say goodbye to both my parents, that is not gonna happen again.
I think having a NDE gives a person a bit of an advantage. It makes us not afraid of death, and we shouldn't be. I had mine at 7 and grew up knowing it was normal and I wasn't afraid.
I have learned from a Swedish friend that this is very common in Sweden. The document even has its own name; "Vita Arket" that translates to "the White Sheet of Paper". Here You can decide everything from flowers to burial place and method. It takes a lot of pressure off the family and disagreements are avoided.
@@lineprestkvrn9014
Most funeral homes in the U.S. will provide you with a free pre-plan funeral directive booklet upon request.
Hospitals and clinics will provide health care directives no charge as well.
I strongly suggest everyone have each one.
I told my best friend of 25 years that I wasn’t ready for her to die.(She was 13 years older than me)
She had a lot of health problems.
She put her hand on her hip & calmly said “Well, just when do you think you’ll be ready?”
I burst out laughing & she just went on with her business.
I worked ten years in palliative care. From my experience... sit quietly at the bedside and listen. Dont tell the person how to feel. Support their decisions, whether you agree with them or not. This is their life, their illness,, their pain level, their nausea...not yours. Dont tell them how everyone else has gone through this. Their experience is different. A true supportive person can help immensely in unforeseen ways. Be truthful but not hurtful. Know that your simple presence is often enough.
My 41 year old quadriplegic son just signed his DNR. I needed to hear this video 😞
I’m so sorry. I’ll pray for him and for you. You can both find peace in Jesus Christ. Trust me.
Prayers and strength!
Thank you for your post @cynthiapeterson2740.
I’m so sorry, I am recovering from quadriplegia and it’s an ugly ugly thing.
I hope you find peace in his decision ❤ all my love to you and him.
❤❤❤
Your videos are so helpful. My 87 year old Dad went to hospice last night. His decline has been very fast over the past couple of months. I’m his only child and all of this is so hard for him and for me. Thank you for posting all of these great topics. ❤
Thank you for being here- you’re making a difference- thank you
Yes my 80yr old uncle has also been put in hospice his kids are clueless & I want to help so bad but they not letting me. And I knew my uncle 12yrs before they did. Breaks my heart. Stay strong for your Pops. He’s prolly scared like my uncle 😢my heart goes out to you & your Pops’s peace
Hi Julie, I have watched you for quite a while now & am comforted by your insights & willingness to “go there” for us. I have been a caregiver for my mother for 7 years, my mother-in-law for 5 years before their passing, & my oldest & dearest best friend’s hospice caregiver for 6 weeks up until 2 days before her passing when I could no longer physically take care of her. Hers was by far the hardest, especially when she told me she didn’t want to die. All I could do was hold her while she cried, listen, tell her I loved her, & that I would see her again. Taking care of her was the hardest thing I have ever had to do, but I’m so very thankful & blessed that God gave us that time together & that I could be there for her. Thank you for all you do. You are a blessing to so many. ❤
Thank you for all the help you’ve given to your loved ones- thank you for being here and THERE!!! 🩵🩵🩵🩵🩵
My Sister called me and told me she was in Hospice. She asked for her forgiveness.. I asked to fly and see her.. she said No maybe in 2 months.. she died a week later.. she thanked me.. I miss her so much
I respected her wishes.. and she thanked me..
I recently beat cancer for the 2nd time. Right after was discovered to have pulmonary embolism that almost killed me. My mother died of cancer at the age of 42. So this conversation has been in my head. Every time I try to let my children know my end of life wishes, DNR, they get upset and won’t listen. I’m 52 with grown children btw. I just don’t want to be kept alive on machines. I know I’m better now but I think it’s important to discuss this topic before the next illness hits. Thank you for your videos
Those are YOUR decisions and your family should respect and honor them. Keeping you alive when you don't want to be is selfish of them. I hope you can eventually get them to listen.
My best friend of 20 yrs has been putting all her energy in fighting stage 3 ovarian cancer and after they did her surgery, they found out it had spread even further. So now I'm about to have the conversation with her since she found out it's terminal. I am terrified. My heart is so broken. But I want to focus on her and not my feelings.😢
I’ve been talking about end of life stuff with my kids since their late teens, early twenties. Death is part of life.
True..but is the glass half empty or half full? Focus on Living!
@@michaelpfister2779 What are you talking about? Learning about death does not preclude living life.
When it comes to hospice, have you found in your experience that patients have less time then the doctors tell the family? Doctor told us my dad had 6 months. The first visit by the hospice nurse and she told us she thought it would be more like 6 weeks. We were shocked. She was right, it was just about 6 weeks.
I signed my dnr at 70. There are reasonable options for different circumstances so it's not a death warrant. It just makes sense. Thanks for all your great info, Julie. 😊
I signed my dnr at 5 8 due to intractable pain. I'd have done it sooner if I'd thought of it because yes, it just makes sense.
I lost my mother two days ago to a catastrophic brain bleed. Her wishes were for care and comfort at the end. I’m so glad that I found your channel and had been watching the videos. It made it so much easier to witness what her body was designed to do at the end. Thank you for helping me understand and witness a truly peaceful death.
Such excellent points regarding being the listener; it’s one of the hardest things to do, but so very necessary.
Telling the truth, and being frank in any conversation is always best. Being vulnerable, uncertain or unsure, with another person, stregthens your bond. It shows love. You can be completely at a loss, and that is fine. No-one knows everything. But it shows you are open, there, and present, in a big way. Emotions need to come out, things have to be said.
I live my life this way. It makes things so much easier. The pressure is taken off you, from yourself, or whatever expectations you think others have for you. People appreciate you telling the truth. You'll be known as a respectable person, one that can be counted on to be a straight talker, one that cares enough to listen. To give serious and respectful thought to someone's words. That is no small thing.
I recommend everyone to try it. Once you let go of your hesitation or fear that you will do or say the "wrong" thing, things are blissfully more simple. There's no time wasted beating around the bush. Things get resolved, faster. Ive seen it time snd time again... people who are "difficult" or "hard to get along with", get on well with me. This is mostly because I am attentive, to when it is the time to speak, and when it is not. With terminal people, they do not cease being people. Don't mollycoddle them, or treat them like a fragile vase. Just be normal, open, and respectful. Treat them as you would like to be treated, it is very simple once you get used to it.
Terror takes out a lot out our ability to interact especially to those who represent death. Hearing this story showed how listening allowed the fear to pass. Xo
My companion for the past 6 years just went into hospice a few weeks ago after battling stage 4 cancer...he's been very open and honest about his fears and feelings...and unfortunately i have been through this before, when my late husband died in 2012...so what you said about listening and being honest is so very important. If youre not, you will regret not having been. ❤
I have been fortunate enough through my career as a RN that my patients already knew through information from the dr or felt it themselves. So my job was to either go through the drs message or talk it through by listening a lot and being honest to my ability with my replies. While in my personal life both my grandmothers were both in the active death fase when I came to their bedside, neither were medically deemed so by staff. I just knew the moment I walked in, and stayed with them while alerting family of the upcoming death. Noone came, and I cried for them afterwards as they missed out on something very important. But not everyone can handle it. A patients son reacted the same way, and felt he had taken part in something wonderful that his mother and sister missed out on. He felt it made a huge difference in his grief process and thanked me profusely.
👏🏻👏🏻🩵🩵🩵🩵🩵
The last few weeks of my 90 year old Dad’s life he stated he was already dead. He said The Virgin Mary had taken over his body. He said everything was on her timeline. He kept saying that he didn’t know the timeline but everything would be ok because The Virgin Mary was taking all of his pain. He said he was already dead over & over. He was in a nursing home for 6 weeks total when he passed. He had no disease. Julie, have you ever seen a patient that talks like this? The nurses called him the “Jesus Man”. We brought in a priest for last rites 2 days before his passing. He was so peaceful. 🙏🏼 I am comforted knowing this.
That's a very interesting situation. Thanks for sharing...
Wow- I kind of love this. No, I haven’t heard this before- but I like that he was okay with all of it. That’s what matters to me. I could see how this may have been hard for you though. Thank you for sharing
I absolutely believe you that he no longer felt pain due and kept his Spirit at a leave with God where he didn’t hurt. It was probably Jesus that took the pain, but in his understanding of hearing from God and seeing what he saw (scripture says prophets see and understand only in part) your dad may have gave Jesus the voice of Mary. I think it’s in revelation that it’s made clear that it truly was finished on the cross and Jesus took it all. Few get to that level of understanding that “key.” I’ve heard God speak to me, but in trying to give what was spoken to my spirit a physical voice it’s not uncommon to give that voice your voice or the voice that represents holiness to you. God absolutely speaks and does miracles. Signs and wonders should not be uncommon if you simply do as Jesus asks in scripture. I am not trying to discredit anything, I absolutely believe that your father had a VERY supernatural experience that was 100% real, just trying to process it based on the miracles I have seen and the scripture as we are to test things to. God is so good. Too many miss out. Jesus said, “my sheep hear his voice”
@@hospicenursejulie Thank you. I’m still trying to understand the deeper meaning of it all. Dad passed January 28, 2023. He was loved and he is missed.
@@SRose-vp6ew Thank you for your kind words.
You have done so many important videos, but I feel like this might be the most important video you have done. Thank you.
Having courage around these conversations
Thank you!!!
I'm a social worker in long term care and my experience with this is that the dying patients WANT to talk honestly about this. They want it to be practical and honest so they can make arrangements that help ease their minds.
First off, this many comments after a 3 hour post speaks volumes.
As a retired paramedic and current deputy coroner, it’s my experience that terminally ill patients want to talk. Unfortunately their family are several steps behind on the grievance process and redirect the tough conversations with their dying family member.
I teach EMT and paramedic students to step out of their own comfort zone and talk to your patient. Let them drive the direction of the conversation.
Julie,you are the best person ever! I know you don"t wanna hear it.Doesn"t make it a tad less true.On behalf of everyone who watches this channel.We love you & are super greatefulful for you.
Thank you thank you thank you
I second that to the Nth degree 😚
You are a shining light. Your message is honest and helpful, sane and much needed. Thank you, Julie.
My mother is in an advanced age, >90. She lives on her own, with daily care from a home help service. She is well, and is well informed, articulate, and engaged! You have taught me what to look for, and i have taught my children, with your videos. We all look for her signs, as a result. Thank you.
This conversation was so hard for me with my FIL. I took fulltime care of him for the last 5 years of his life but he refused to talk about anything end of life or even when it would be time to go to a nursing home (he never went.) Finally we had a life insurance rep come out to the house and it sparked the convo. He died an hour after coming home from hospice so the end wasn't stretched out but at least we could talk enough to know what he wanted once he passed. Bless everyone that's going through this. He passed in October ❤
I had an end of life conversation with my 2 sisters. I felt it was a respect to our love
I've gotten some good insights from your videos. Thanks. I would like to see a Part 2 to this video from the point of view of the person who is dying or approaching that milestone. As a 73 year old widower with some medical issues currently under control, I've been thinking about my own passing and would be interested in your experiences dealing with such.
I had the supreme privilege of being with my mom in her final hours. She couldn’t talk. Her breathing was labored, effortful. I have been a body based psychotherapist so I was able to listen to my mother just by breathing along with her for a long time. Eventually I started to talk to my mom about what a hard worker she had always been and that maybe now she could ease up, just try easing up. If it didn’t feel right she could go back to using her strength and determination. My mom’s breathing eased up. In the next hour she let go of breathing entirely. Thanks for your beautiful wise discussion of talking about the end of life.
I love how knowledgeable you are in this topic. You are truly an amazing Hospice Nurse. I pray at my end of life that I have a Hospice Nurse as kind and knowledgeable as you are.
Hey! Im a hospice nurse, thank you for all your tips and tricks! I have learned so much from you. Here I am a nurse 20 years in the operating room, now in hospice. I've been doing this for 4 years but I know there is still so much to learn and so many things are changing. I learned about bladder spasms and how that contributes to leaking.. all kinds of things!! Thank you Julie!!!
Such a powerful message. Thank you!
I do counseling in this area of grief and death. This episode, and your channel are a wonderful contribution. Thank you
My Mama was the best caregiver to her family members when they got old and in the nursing home and one of my Aunts was in an assisted living facility and my Mama was basically like a daughter to her, ran all her errands and took her to all her doctors appointments. You would be hard pressed to find a better person to help you during your last years of life. However, when the tables were turned and SHE was the one that needed care she was in the biggest case of denial that I have ever seen. She wouldn't talk to me about any end of life instructions, wouldn't follow her doctors instructions, wouldn't take her medicine right, kept on going to work even though she had months of sick & vacation days built up. She was dying of liver failure due to a bile duct blockage. She had been told by several doctors the seriousness of her condition and she was just wanting to carry on as usual. To this day I don't understand how she could be such a wonderful caregiver but such a terrible one to try to care for.
Wow so perplexing!
I send your way love, blessing and healing to you and your son…😔💕🌹💐
I wasn't expecting that story to make me cry but it did. Thank you for giving people in their final days comfort and empathy. As important as your medical skills are I think what makes the biggest impact is how you humanize death and dying.
My dad was in the hospital twice from Feb until his death in mid April. When he was in ICU the first time, he was in pretty bad shape, but was able to talk. I started trying to have some hard conversations with him, but he was having none of it and kept turning up the news on the TV. A few days later, he was much improved and was moved to a regular room. I started by asking him where some important papers and other items were located, "just in case you are unable to come home for awhile or need to go to rehab." This seemed to open the floodgates. Once he started talking about the little things, then he moved on to the HARD STUFF, he talked and talked. He spoke freely to my sisters, grandchildren and me, but my mother just could not handle having those talks, so a lot of things went unsaid between them, sadly.
My son has a terminal medical condition. Once he turned 12, I told him the truth. And he cried all day. He’s 22 now and his lungs are failing. It’s still difficult to come to terms with his condition. Unfortunately there is no cure for his condition
💔Sending love. I'm so sorry. 💯💔💖💓
@@cybervidDD1023 thank you
This must be so hard for both of you....
It encouraged my dying loved ones that God says we can know we have eternal life. I respectfully suggest you and your son read the Gospel of John.
Reflective listening is the most important gift we can give to another person, in any circumstance. Not problem solving, not anticipatory responses, not platitudes. Just really listening and letting that person know that they were heard.
Thank you for your videos, im barely a resident assistant..( new to it) cpr breaks ribs, dnro and etc. Alot of my assisted living residents knew me already from maitence, housekeeping, janitorial, waitress lol. Same work place. Your explanation of end of life what to expect helped ALOT..( they dont tell you those things, or that its normal, , it made me feel a lot more knowledgeable, and prepared, ive been with 3 very close residents as they were passing..by request..( they were " asking " for me ..saying wheres lisa..( im the one who took care of them or we were close.) The family on one , asked a co worker to call me, they asked if i wanted to say my good bye that their loved one keeps asking for me. She was adgitated, restless, i held her hand, stroked her head, and whisper in her ear, as i did any other night when putting her to bed. , She squeezed my hand , let out a big sigh, and was peaceful. Her daughter said no, if you wish, you can hold her hand untill her rest is eternal. I felt honered , im very earthy and spiritual, im glad we walked together on her journey together. I thought id be really scared, or heart broken, but, insted, i was peaceful, knowing she was. I gave the family her feather from her bible, ( one from my African grey, ) and said this is the last one, shes gathered enough feathers for her wings. ( I used to tell her my grandma used to tell me, every time you do a good thing, you earn a feather twards your wings. ( She said mine would be ostrich, parrot and peacock wings lmfao) and when i gave her the red feather, she said ill keep that one for last to stick in my wings . They had it incorporated into her urn. I made the family pendants with some of her ashes, and bits of red feathers.
Your EQ is incredibly high. You are in the exact right position.
I have a pair of daughters with whom I am very close and I'm also into my 4th year of IPF. After diagnosis I sat my girls down and discussed this disease with them and over the years I've continued to let them know how things are going. I keep it simple. We've discussed the terms of my will and their inheritance and I've let them know that I have accepted this turn in life and that worrying about things has never been a marker of my personality. I'm fine now and will be at the end and my only 'wish' if I had one is that they learn to not worry about anything, the Universe doesn't appreciate it. Have a little faith and exercise it. I hope that our discussions will ease them into their transition of life without me.
My father passed away early yesterday morning. He looked asleep!
You are a beautiful person, Julie ❤️
This is such wise advice. Not just for a death conversation, but for most interactions. Thank you!
So. Much.This! (Slow clap)👏🏻.👏🏻👏🏻.
PENNNYYYYY!!! My girl!!!!!
My mother died 33 years 3 months and 20 days ago . She had oatcell carcinoma of the lungs that had manifested 364 days before her death. Fortunately, I guess you could say, we had had long conversations prior to her becoming symptomatic. I knew exactly what she had wanted. I got a lot of flack from her sisters who wanted "everything " done at first, but I followed my mother's wishes.I have no regrets, but still miss her every day.
I have had similar discussions with my two daughters. They know that if they resuscitate me that I will come back to haunt them and it won't be pretty. I have my Advanced Directives, Medical Power of Attorney, and other papers on file at our local hospital and with the hospital that I worked for in San Antonio. I also have an out of hospital DNR that I will get signed by my PCP on my next scheduled visit. I also have made prepaid/pre-planned funeral arrangements with a funeral home and my church.
Julie, you are correct that our society is afraid of death when it's a natural process and part of life. We need more people like you to help educate us. I particularly have found Caitlin Dougherty's ASK A MORTICIAN UA-cam channel particularly helpful, too.
Thanks Julie. Needed this today. Have different attitude about conversation I will be having tomorrow with my father in law. He has been on hospice now for 4 months.
I cared for dad for 5 years after mom passed. He was easy to care for. A pleasant man. We had the conversation and agreed that when the time came we would take car of whatever needed to be done. I was his daughter and also a nurse. We where comfortable w what had to be done when he came by me on Hospice. It was a wonderful experience and dad passed quietly and peacefully. 😊❤
I have found that people need to know the actual physical process that will happen while dying. When a person has said to me that they are frightened of dying I ask them what they believe will happen. I've had a variety of answers to that rangeing from going to heaven to there is nothing but a big black hole. Usually I have answered with what I believe and tell the story of what happened to me as an 8 year old child. I awoke and found an elderly man sat on my bed dressed in a working man's jacket with a wicker basket placed on the floor between his feet. He smiled at me but didn't speak so I thought if he's not going to talk I'm going back to sleep. I asked my mum about him the next morning and she said that sounds like your great grandad. I had never seen a photo of him and he died 2 years before I was born. Two months later I was taken to see my great grandmother. She asked me what I had seen and then gave me a large tin of photos to look at and said see if I could find the man I saw on my bed. A few photos down I saw him, and she told me without a doubt that I had been visited by my great grandad. The basket apparently had been made for him to a specific size to accommodate wood he would bring home from the Dock yard where he worked I had never seen a photo of him before that day so I know there has to be life after death. I always say to people that I'm not worried whether I am believed or not but maybe think logically about the story and make your own mind up. This has helped a lot of people because they have told me so. And yes honesty is the best policy.
Thank you for spreading your love and sharing your light 🩷
My 93 year old mother and I had our last conversation over the telephone.
She wanted me to come to her at the Nursing Home.
It was Easter Sunday.
My siblings had been there with her all day.
I couldn't make myself go.
She had been such a needy person my whole life. Her cup was always half full.
I felt that if she touched me....her last grasp of neediness would totally drain me emotionally and mentally.
Caregiving is so hard.
This is a very important channel. Thank you.
I think we should give ourselves permission to cry.
Yes!
I am going to after listening to what you have said. My Dad passed 3 years ago and my mum has wanted to go since. She is 88 and is getting to the bitter/why am I still here stage. She has a very loving family around her. Think it is time to have a deep conversation with her .Ty Julie x
When my Father was in hospice I had no problem telling him that he was the greatest Father to me! I took him back to everything we did and loved everything and would never have changed anything. My Father left this world knowing how much he meant to me and no one should ever hold back any feelings during the short time they have left. No regret on what I did.
This is really great advice. I went through both my parents passing at home with me and it was the hardest thing but I’m glad I could be there, tho I wish I’d try to communicate more to them.
Juli 😊 to wonderful RN❤
My Aunt and i started to have this conversation when she got congestive heart failure. She said every day that she wanted to die. At first i was extemely uncomfortable and i admit i tried to ignore it. Then i thought to myself that this is my Aunts life, not mine. I needed to validate her feelings so we started talking about it. She wasnt afraid to die. She had lost a daughter in an accident so i started to talk about her and my aunts and uncles and my mother who passed before her. I told her that she will see them again . Then i said something that i dont know was appropriate. I asked her that when she passes to give me a sign that she was ok. She passed and a few weeks later i woke up sensing that someone was running their hands through my hair. I felt it was her. I just knew. She was a very private person but i think we got enough out. I will definateky talk to my family about death and dying. I regret like some others that i didn't have that talk with my mom and dad. Big regrets!!!! Thank you Julie
I’m 35 with epilepsy and fibromyalgia. My doctor refuses to put DNR on my notes. My depression has gotten worse since my dad passed away, even worse when my stepdad died. I know if I do try to end it all again. I’d jump in front of a train or something. But I pray that if I ever need CPR, I’d not want to be brought round
Don't mention depression. Then it makes it a mental health issue. Instead, make it a Quality of Life (QOL) issue.
Depression can be treated. Jesus can alleviate sadness
Doctors won't put DNR in your notes unless you're terminally ill.
When it's my time, I will be very relieved. I've had a near-death experience once already and if my death is anything like it was last time, I am very excited for it. 😄
can you tellme what happened please?
I wish I had this when my dad got the news of his aggressive cancer unexpectedly. 8 months later gone. But we had these talks in rapid form. Wish we had more time for planning. Thanks for these videos.
Julie, my husband and I had our last conversation on the phone with a close friend a few days ago before he died on July 5th. We told him how much his friendship meant to us all these years and that we hoped he would give us all some sign that he’s fine. We also told him we loved him and he said the same. We also told him that we hoped he would be surprised at the end and find God. He was an agnostic, and at the end he still wasn’t sure that God existed but that he was open to surprises! He chose to die by taking the powder (right to die act 2016 in CA) and went peacefully. We are eternally glad we had this conversation. I love your channel! You are the best at what you do 😇
I am an X-Ray tech and a breast cancer survivor. One night, I had an ER patient who told me she had breast cancer and was going to die. My response was "I am going to die too". Then, she laughed.
I LOVE that you said "I don't know" and that you said it honestly and sincerely. We can all hope for what happens or have our own ideas about it, but for me, I have no idea either. But like she said, I guess we'll find out. 🤷♀ I'm glad there was a happy ending to that conversation. You're amazing and your videos have helped me through a really difficult time. Watching someone die is horrendous. I wish I had found your videos 22 years ago.
What a beautiful connection...I love to listen...plus you were totally honest???
You are such a blessing!!! Js.
Thank you ❤️❤️
I remember telling my grandfather that it was ok to go. We have things under control. A half hour later he passed.
💗💗💗
I adore you for your explanations and I thank all the commentators, who share their experiences with all of us. I felt never more belonging to the human family as here.
My husband has COPD, he doesn't want at all to speak about getting worse......
Thank you. Wonderful talk.
thank you for all your videos. My sister passed quietly this morning on hospice and at home where she wanted to be.
My uncle George was diagnosed with terminal mesothelioma cancer. It happened very quickly and after the diagnosis he was dead in a few months. The Strange thing was, when I went to visit him, he was completely at peace with the situation, a model of emotional stability, whereas his wife (of over 60 years together - their anniversary was in the local paper) was in pieces. I saw her on a bus a few weeks after he died and she looked right through me as though she was in a world far away. I didn't try to jog her out of her reverie, a cowardly position I later regretted as, a month later she too was dead, I suspect of a broken heart. At sometimes it's difficult to know what to do for the best 😞
Oh wow- yes- we this sometimes. 😞. Thank you for sharing- and no, you did nothing cowardly
Thankyou for Your Honest Advice - My Wife Died A Year Ago -- Hospice was a Wonderful Service -God Bless You
Julie, I really like the hospice content/knowledge you provide. Although I'm a fan of yours, I feel ashamed that I just liked a post from another hospice nurse.
we wernt a hugging family, I hugged my mom in hospice she died 2 days later
Julie, you make me warm and fuzzy ❤❤❤. If Mr. Wonderful disappoints you, I am ready 😉
Get in line!
@@culturematters4157😂
😂😂😂😎
You two 🥰🥰🥰😎
After thirty years of reading about NDE's and the process of dying and going to lectures, etc. I have a very good understanding of the dying process. The story Julie shared with that woman was perfect. I do know that there is a process most people go through when the die. They meet with someone very familiar in the spirit world then their guides then others. Unless they died in a hard and fast way or were drug addicts, etc. Then it's a very different process. I would never go to visit someone dying unless I knew them or if I was recommended.
I can't thank you enough for your wonderful informative channel
What unbelievable timing with this great teaching. I worked most of the day on a script/talking points I plan to use with 1) the patients family/friends and 2) with the patient - all in preparation for my Death Doula work (with a hope to just specialize in DBVs). I had a lot on communications but didn't have a good emphasis on the family "Listening" to the patient and now adding the "wait" or pause before responding 😃 THANKS!
Excellent Julie!
Any advice on how to break the news to younger children on a cancer diagnosis. Tysm nurse Julie ❤❤
Wow this is so needed for me to hear and this is AFTER my mom just passed away. Just 1 week ago. 😢. She was in denial until she lost her ability to process & speak just a day prior hospice. It was crushing to us all around.
It was hard the last two months of my late husband about every other week. He would ask me if he was going to die today, and I would say no, not today, but we really don't know I could go out and be crossing the street and I could get hit and die.
Thank you🙏
I did tell her it was ok to be scared to die and it was ok for her to go. Said it in her ear when she was transitioning. I believe she heard me. ❤🙏🏻
My brother said he was scared. I just said I know you are. I’m going to be here with you.
Thank you Hospice Nurse Julie. This was very, VERY helpful. The information and experiences you share are helping me build my capacity to respond and support in this natural time of life. I find that when I have the tools I need, my whole system relaxes and I can be more fully present. Namaste ❤.
My partner survived 5yrs with stage 5 renal cancer, diabetes and ESRD. His palliative care Dr said he was his longest surviving pt. But about 3 months before his death, when he was starting to deteriorate, palliative care finally came in with a social worker to his monthly appt. They told him, finally that there was nothing more that could be done, that it was time to let go. Omg that was so painful. Because he never cried or complained or voiced self pity. He finally did let it all out, cried & admitted he was scared. I think that was the turning point. After that he was in and out of the hospital constantly. Finally 4 months later he started vomiting blood in the car, i knew that was the end. 911 came, because of covid we couldn't go with him. They had gotten the bleeding under control for a few days but Saturday morning the Dr called and said he was bleeding out, he'd been given many units of blood, had many procedures in the ICU but he wouldn't stop bleeding. I asked the Dr if he had DIC, which from my own medical training was something i knew was incompatible with life. So i asked if we could come say goodbye, be there so they could extubate him. He coded twice as we drove over. But when we got to the ICU, it seemed our presence stabilized him. But we did the right thing, had him extubated. The nurse said he'd die any moment. But he didn't. He actually rallied. He regained consciousness, was moved to the door but all treatments were stopped and hospice came in. When i first came into the room, he was awake and talking. I asked him if he knew what was happening and he, as usual, joked: singing "Na na na na..hey, hey, hey goodbye!". He seemed grumpy about it. I laughed though and said that was terrible to joke about. I was in such denial, i didn't realize that it was normal for a patient to rally before death. I saw it as a sign maybe he should get back on dialysis, maybe buy him more time. But the Dr refused. So i just sat with him, that whole day before he died. He was awake and talking, and we talked about anything but death. He kept picking at his arms and skin, as if he was trying to get out of his failing body. He fidgited, was restless. I finally asked the hospice nurse to increase his meds...knowing though, that once we did that, there would be no more talking. That was one of the hardest choices. I wanted a few more days with him, to talk with him. Take video, the last ones. But it seemed he was suffering. So i told then to up his meds. He died the next day, only my son was in the room. I'll never forgive myself for not being there.
How touching and heartbreaking……and thank you for sharing. 😢
If someone is scared about dying, I would ask if I could pray with them. There is nothing more comforting than the presence of God and His angels. That is my personal opinion.
Family members as well.
Great story, Jules!
Love this story!!
Hi Julie! I just graduated from Practical Nursing and I am going to apply with Hospice in my hometown. I feel you are such a great resource. Ty for the videos they are very informative.
I love all of this info!
I like your videos. When I read the title of : ' End of Life conversations', I was eager to listen. It's a healthy approach to keep it down to Earth I agree. But can you do this with people you where close like Father a Mother, Sister, Brother... What do you exchange over with them ?
I know I sound a bit stupid right here, but I'm approaching this kind of situation very fast with my 'Mother'. In a month she turns 102 and she is frail. She didn't raise us Huggy huggy kind of ... (by we I mean my sister and I) Emotionally we are not so close to our mom. I went in therapy and now I can feel 'my self' in her Presence. In fact I am now taking care of her. My sister tells me to put her in a Nursing home, does not talk to her anymore, called her in the Past 'that old lady who happens to be my biological mother'. So. Question, what do I exchange about with my Mother? ; )) Anyways, thanks for your Videos, I am an eager listener.
12 years ago my husband was battling a very aggressive cancer. He was only 49 years old. I had no intentions of letting him die. I had done everything I could. I am a prayer warrior, but not as much as I would want to be and when he would bring that up about death I would rebuke that in the name of Jesus you will not die you will live and declare the works of the Lord! I didn’t let him talk about death because he didn’t want to feed that. And I regret that so much. He needed me to be that way though because when the hospital talk to him about hospice and they wanted to talk to me and I didn’t understand hospice at that time, and my husband was a doctor. I spent an hour talking to the two women about hospice and I said well who’s going to do you know give them an IV and talked about all the different ways of taking care of him until he gets better and they said no we’re just going to comfortably transition him to death and that upset me.
When I went back to the room to see him I have been crying and I said I didn’t know what hospice was and we’re gonna do palliative care. He cried and said he thought I gave up on him and thanked me for standing strong.
I had to protect him a lot because people wanted to take videos of him before he died and he didn’t want to do that. He didn’t want to plan on his death. I was very protective of him though and didn’t want anyone coming into my house with the spirit of death on their shoulders.
About a month after he passed, I bumped into one of our pastors at the post office. I told him I had had more faith than a mustard seed and he said yeah but he wanted to give up and not fight anymore. I said absolutely not he wanted to live. He said do you notice the last time I came to the house I didn’t come back after that? He said he told me he was tired of fighting and he was going to let himself just die because he didn’t want to battle anymore and he didn’t want to go through any more procedures, he was tired. He said he didn’t tell me because I wouldn’t allow him to think like that. And the pastor said he wasn’t gonna keep going over there to try and fight for his life when he was giving up. We all come from different places. My husband was young he didn’t deserve to die. Nothing anybody deserves to die but he love the Lord so much, he was so smart, he was strong, City Of help said he was the second strongest person they saw battle that particular cancer in 17 years. The other guy was a professional athlete. Anyway more recently I didn’t even think my dad was going to die he had had a fall my mom was the one that was sick and in a facility. On a Saturday we went through all the paperwork and stuff just to make sure everything was in line if anything should happen to anybody we had a great day and we were had a lot planned for Sunday and Monday. When I woke up he was gone and I felt so bad for not being there with him we never even thought that he would be the one passing but there is a hospital error and a doctor error because he had a catheter in that was supposed to be removed after five days to two weeks and they wouldn’t remove it they threatened me if I did. They actually sent him home too soon and then I couldn’t get the people to come for 2 1/2 weeks to help me care for him. But there is a complication with the catheter and a blockage and infection. So no matter how hard we try we still have outcomes that we might not personally want but then we have to process it and try and get through it. I’m still processing and I’m caretaking with my mom she can’t feed her self anymore and it’s pretty tough anyway I love your channel.