My husband is dying at home. He doesn't want anybody here but me and his dogs. Wants no medical intervention. No one understands. I say - we r doing this the old fashioned way. He was just done. Said no more doctor visits, no ambulances - no hospitals - no one here but you and the dogs. Let me do this my way. So this video was extremely comforting to me. Thank you. I have been working with a hospice nurse long distance. She helps me a lot.
Hey Nurse Julie, my family's of Irish extraction. When my Grandmother died from Esophageal Cancer in 1979; a fairly rare cancer back then. She was a smoker; she told of Irish folklore that when a person dies, birds will come and peck at the window as a way to direct the spirt that freedom is this way. When my Grandmother died; this was as hospice was coming into being in my community in California. We experienced six birds pecking at the windows; mainly her bedroom, but also in the living room. The tradition also continued because when my mother passed from Alzheimer's Disease in 2010. We looked up the Irish folklore; in Ireland today, it's quite common for the family of the deceased to bath, shave, and clothe the deceased and then they display the body on the dining table and decorate the table with flowers and lighted candles and the mourners can come in and pay their respects while the family are secluded in the living area. The mourning period in Ireland is three days; the family eat what's referred as the mourner's breakfast: Boiled Potatoes, Boiled Carrots, Boiled Onions and Boiled Cabbage. Tradition also dictates that on the third day at 10:00 a.m. the pall-bearers arrive with the casket. They load the deceased into the casket and carry the body to the local church followed by the mourning family, then the community. They celebrate mass and then they bury the body; in Ireland the mourning stops once the body is buried. We have some variation on the Irish Tradition for funerals; we however don't eat the mourner's breakfast for three days. In my mother's case, she experienced visions long before her death. My mother was first diagnosed as having Alzheimer's Disease in June 2008; after she drove Southbound in the Northbound Highway 101. The next day is when I took her to the neurologist; he was scarily accurate. He predicted that she would die on or near Easter 2010. She died the day before Easter; April 3rd, 2010. She died of from a small stroke followed immediately by an arrhythmia which killed her. But, at the exact moment she died, her spirit visited me, and said goodbye, like she did when I was a child growing up. It's still a memory that I refuse to share with others even among my extended family!
I will soon be 78 years old. When my Grandfather died, I was only about 3. I remember vividly, my Grandfather lying in his casket in the front parlor of their older farmstyle house back in MN. There was a big family gathering of friends and family to view my Grandfather's body...with lots to eat and drink and stories to tell. Being so young, I didn't quite understand it all, but I'll NEVER FORGET what my Father did during this gathering. I was just a little tike, unable to see Grandpa in his casket. So with tears in his eyes, my Dad lifted me up so I could say goodbye to Grandpa. But what he did next, was a little unnerving. He put my little warm hand on top of Grandpa's cold, stiff hand, hoping that I might get an idea of what it means when someone dies. It's an event in my life that I will never forget, and I remember it vividly every time someone I am close to, passes away....and there have been many such times during my 78 years on this earth. 😥
I'm Irish & live in Dublin. Due to circumstances beyond our control my father died in the emergency department of a hospital. It was awful. Once his body was released to us we took him home and waked him in the house for 3 days. Friends, family and neighbours came & helped us celebrate his life. I stayed up with him the night before his funeral. I talked to him, hugged and kissed him & traced every line on his face so I wouldn't forget an inch of him. Early the next morning I felt his spirit leave the house before his body did. Those 3 days having him home still brings me comfort over a decade later. I see more families here returning to the traditional Irish wake which I think is just beautiful.
As an anthropology student, I studied the funeral rites of the Marshallese people in the Western Pacific. They believed that the spirit of the person left the body on the third day, after which they could perform the funeral.
Thank you. We did have him embalmed as was recommended. I'm sure you could probably opt not to have the procedure done, but we just went the advice of our funeral director who really did a fantastic job of taking care of Dad and us at the time. The procedure was minimally invasive on his body & having him embalmed meant that he just looked like himself (although a little paler than usual) for the time we had him home.
I’m Albanian and every village had a group of women who would come to your home when someone died and sing lamentations (called kaba or miroloi). The whole village would walk with the family and carry the casket to the grave, while the women continue to sing lamentations. The orthodox priest will come and we have a special liturgy for the dead. It’s very beautiful. Everyone is crying, embracing, singing, and we spend hours visiting with the family. The women will cook extra food and share it with them for however long they need it. If she is now a widow, the men will help her with the heavy work her husband did, train her sons if she has any. This happens much less in the villages now. Many are almost empty. The whole country has maybe 2 million people now, mostly in the cities. Everyone has left for other shores because of economics. I’m sad because one day there will be no one left to remember the dead and honor the dying. It’s not a sacred thing to younger people. For people my age, we see it as naturally as pregnancy, which has rhythms and cycles until birth. Dying is the same in reverse. We’ve learned to see it as it’s slowly happening, prepare for it, and count it as a blessing that we can be with them through it.
My mom was adamant that we open the window near her bed when she passed. This was to ease the comming and going of her spirit and spirit guides. It was beautiful as it was raining that day and shortly after passing the sky cleared and a bunch of birds kept stopping by outside the window.
I’m also an RN. We always open the window(s) to let the soul free. My late-husband told me that it was an old Irish tradition, but he was Irish, real Irish, so he kinda said everything cool was an ‘old-Irish tradition.’ Lol
I hate how our culture makes grieving seem bad, like crying is bad. My FIL passed away on Tuesday and my MIL is concerned that she won’t get through the day of the funeral without tears. Tears are healthy!
@@beckykay9178 I DO NOT THINK OF CRYING AS BAD BUT I KNOW MANY PEOPLE FEEL VERY UNCOMFORTABLE BECAUSE THEY DON'T QUITE KNOW WHAT TO DO. I USUALLY JUST HUG THE PERSON AND GENTLY ROCK THEM. IT SEEMS TO SOOTHE AND IT AVOIDS SAYING THE WRONG THING.🙏💕
I was a kid when my mother told me this story. She herself was a kid, around 1925, in Belgium. One of the local farmers was dying, so everyone in the community came around to say goodbye to him. He was able to speak with everyone, even the kids. When he passed, everyone came to the funeral. Even as a kid myself, I thought that was a wonderful thing for the family and friends and acquaintances to say goodbye face to face, person to person.
We have a family cemetery far back in the woods of East Texas. We open the casket one last time at the graveside and we as a family, sing an old country hymn like "Precious Memories" or "Go Rest High on that Mountain" before closing the casket for the final time.
@@janetking2035 I think you misunderstand. No one is digging anyone up. The casket is opened at the gravesite for a few minutes for people who have gathered there. It is then closed for a committal ceremony and buried.
@@woodyww Ok. I see what you're talking about now. (duh Janet) I should have read your comment a little better.🤦 Thanks for setting me straight on that. ♥️🤍💙 Janet
When my father died in 2021 he was creamated. Our family purchased a "memorial tree" to be planted in our local park. All my life we have had picnics and Dad walked our dogs daily thru this park. There is a small memorial plaque near the base of the tree. I love visiting the park. Now I can visit the park and remember my Dad.
My daughter died from cancer at a hospice facility. Immediately after she died, she began to let go excretions from her mouth that had been slowly trickling out before her death. I had spent weeks trying to keep her face clean from excretions and the large volume at her death was somehow SO disturbing to me. I could only focus on how to clean up the mess instead of that she had finally passed. The hospice staff said not to worry, they would get her cleaned up. It's been almost 5 years now and I still regret not cleaning her body myself. I saw that her fingernails had not been cleaned up. I see now why some cultures have family clean and prepare the body. It would have been comforting to me to see her clean.
I’m so sorry for your loss. I watched my parents lose my brother to cancer and it truly broke them. Even after 40+ years, they still never truly recovered and now my mom is in the last days of her life in hospice care. It’s comforting to me that she will soon be with him again but don’t get caught up on how your daughter’s “shell” looked. She was far from it. Her soul was no longer suffering and despite not knowing you or her personally, I bet if she could tell you, she would tell you the same thing. That was just a small moment in time in eternity. She’s not upset but i bet she would be upset to know that you’re bothered about it❤
My family members had standard American-style deaths, memorials and burials. When my husband was dying, I threw his Bon Voyage party three weeks before he passed, so that everyone could say goodbye and also share stories among themselves, learning more about my husband BEFORE he died. It was very enjoyable, bittersweet, and healing for all, and several attendees said they wanted to do the same when their time came. I hope I am so lucky, too.
Addendum: My husband died peacefully at a beautiful, welcoming, 6-bed hospice facility. I was with him every day and slept on a single-bed-size pull-out sofa in his room. At his death, I called my best friend, who came and sat with me, reminiscing about him, in his room, for five hours before we had the funeral home come pick him up. He was cremated at a small mortuary in his favorite rural town and his ashes were scattered in the mountains by a dozen friends during a weekend at a lodge, where we held his memorial service.
I love this. It's so much better than the funeral and wake when everyone is sad and saying things about the person, and the person can't hear how they felt about them.
I lived in Ireland for many years and experienced loved ones dying and others as well. In smaller villages and towns, the bereaved walk behind the hearse to the graveyard. The hearse will often drive past the departed one’s home and stop one last time for a minute, then carry on. As the entourage goes slowly down the street, pedestrians will stop and pray and shopkeepers will turn out their lights as a mark of respect and remembrance. It was a very somber experience followed by a joyful wake. I’ll never forget it.
I'm 47 and when I was younger -1990's, I took care of my grandma till she went to the hospital and passed away. Only a few days in hospital because of an aortic anurysm. (Spelling sorry) same with my uncle and mom. I feel so blessed to have been there holding her hand as she breathed her last. I also called her time of death. When my nephew Brandon was born with a birth defect, very physically severe. He lived 12 days. We were all up there for him. When things were settled, we all got to hold him, cuddle and sing to him. Let me tell you that was so HARD!!! When my husband passed away, I found him in bed. He looked so peaceful and he was listening to his favorite music when he passed. I miss him and my grandma the most, as we were closest. I love that in Jewish tradition when a loved one passes, the family and community from the Temple or synagogue come and clean the deceased from head to toe and then wrapped in a shroud before burial. I wish the family and community would be more involved. Rather than EW that disgusting. No, that is the shell of your loved one. It seems as if mourning is not a thing to do. And definitely don't be emotional. Really??? Now I will say that I would be uncomfortable knowing that so and so is either laying in their bed or out in the living room. Not for me. I love the thought of Celebration of Life services. I believe it's good to gather, eat, share great memories and laugh and cry. I also agree when losing your loved ones grief doesn't stop all of a sudden because the services are over. I believe that we should come alongside those people and continue to be there with a call, cry,coffee, sitting quietly or holding their hands. Emotions are tossed away and it feels like the person who died is also. Because it's icky. Well your loved one isn't icky nor seemed to be thrown out.❤
I think death should be just another moment in the life of a community or family. It’s an event that happens in all places and peoples. It’s something we share. And everyone should support each other through it.
Great video and I agree! Somethings that our ancestors did surround death should be brought back. When my little nephew died (8 months in utero) I drove 2 days to get to the hospital with my brother and sister in law. My parents didn't even bother to make a 7 hour drive until 2 days later and when they did arrive, my dad told my brother and sister in law that they can just "have another kid." The extended family only sent sympathy cards and one of our uncles asked me on the phone if the baby was "human." I was sick to my stomach. In the end, my brother and sister in law were so traumatized by how the whole situation, that they didn't want any family at the burial. I couldn't blame them. I wish my family wasn't so cold and actually had some heart felt and honoring traditions. 😢 It's been 13 years and I can still feel the pain and disgust. Yes! Let's bring back these honoring traditions! (or most of them)!
My grandfather was decapitated in the coal mines. Even then my family was responsible for cleaning and dressing him. There were no funeral homes in dirt poor Appalachia. The whole town of Centralia came together to help. Now that town is known for the underground coal mine fire that has burned for decades.
Wow. That is moving on so many levels. My "people" were Alabama mill workers. They tended to die a slower work related death. Labor Day always seemed more like Memorial Day to me. Particularly since they were the back bone of progress, but also they generally were so poor the war efforts looked more like opportunity.
Coal miners had a terrible existence, so much so that they started a war against their employers, that owned and controlled most of their lives. They were truly slaves of the era. It’s how and why labor unions started. I watched a few of Peter Santenello’s videos where he goes into Appalachian mountains and interviews those who’s families still work in the coal mines. Many had stories to tell. They are good, hardworking people despite the bad reputation they are given
We took my parents into our home 5 years ago. My dad passed in our home at 95 & my mom is still living with us. I feel it’s the right thing for us but at times it feels lonely. It’s not a community effort as it once was. I would love to get back to that, especially after seeing first hand just how hard it is to be old.
I like the idea of bringing mourning back into the home. My earliest memory is of being in the parlor with my grandmother’s remains surrounded by pictures and mementoes. I would have been 3 years old, and remember being comfortable in the space. I far prefer that to the uncomfortable atmosphere of a funeral home.
I'm Irish, second generation on both sides, and we still do a wake, though not the raucous version once found in rural County Connaught. The funeral home, at my grandpa's wake, was a bit startled to see the grandsons assemble to sing "The Parting Glass", followed by "The Night That Paddy Murphy Died." They were prepared for the priest to lead the Rosary and the Chaplet of Divine Mercy, not so prepared for the two cousins with pipes and bodhran and the other cousins to start dancing in the next room. To their eternal surprise, the Requiem Mass the next day was as solemn and beautiful as such a service ought to be, with the same rowdy cousins this time singing the Miserere Mei Deus, a Cappella, perfectly. Personally I love the fact that our funeral traditions are not sanitized and wiped clear of reference to the fact that the person has actually died. We have a funeral, not a "celebration of life". Yes we do give thanks for the life that the person has lived, but we don't sugarcoat the mourning aspects either, and we do include children from a very young age.
I agree that a funeral mass should be solemn. I loved the old requiem high mass with the melancholy music. It made you cry and mourn. Not a fan of these rambling celebrations of life where people endlessly saunter up to say a few words. That’s for after the funeral, at the house. But that’s just me. Remembering someone should be positive, even joyful assuming the decreased wasn’t a horrible person. Saying goodbye should be sad.
What great historical info. The part about the deceased holding the pose for obvious reasons and looking clearer than the living in a photo due to the shutter speed was very interesting. I do not like pictures of the deceased. I was shocked when my mother-in-law whipped out a photo of her mother in the casket. I guess it was customary among their family, which is Polish, to photograph the deceased even in the 60’s. I politely looked and probably made a comment that granny looked sweet. But it creeped me out.
This so fascinating. When my dad died, my husband and I washed him, dressed him then I actually laid next to him and just held him .He was so fragile towards the end that I could hardly touch him. By laying next to him on top of the covers, I was able to hold him in my arms. Maybe that sounds creepy but I knew that was the last time I could really hug my dad whom was my best friend.💙💙💙
@1968TLS. That wasn't creepy at all. It was a loving gesture. When my Father was in his last hours in the hospital, the nurses pushed another bed right next to Daddy and my Mother was able to snuggle and sleep in his arms. What a wonder memory I have. I only hope I'm able to do the same with my Darling Husband because he is in the last stage of Alzheimer's and 2 other diseases. 😢
Mom with lung cancer at home till last week, Dad till last 10 days stayed at home with us kids looking after them. My brother died this year, no funeral but a family get together sharing memories. I hate funerals, don't want one. My 9 year old Son's funeral with the smell haunted me for years. Funerals are horrible to me. The best is if you get to spend time with them while the person is dying, doing this provided peace to me. Insist on seeing your love one, prior to what they do at the funeral home. I would now want to be cremated. For my Brother we all got jewelry with his ashes and little urns.
We just had my mom’s funeral the director said the lily’s flowers smell terrible and make that smell. They are a beautiful flower but they shed and they stink it’s not the body..
This is exactly how my small community is in Louisiana. Im blessed to have such amazing family and community here. Im 35 and have terminal cancer and every Sunday people come by before and after church to bring food and clean up the house. They know that I lost my parents and grandparents so I dont have much family. Sometimes I feel bad because I dont have the energy to welcome them but I know they understand. The best thing is that they are there for my 16 yr old son. In my family we leave a window cracked for 3 days after they pass. Im having a home funeral then will be cremated. Half of my ashes will be sent off to be a diamond. Im not sure what he plans to do with it tho. Set it in ring or necklace? We havent decided that. I feel blessed to have this time to plan everything for my passing. I think people should give more planning to what they want at the end of life.
After my vet euthanized my dog, I asked her if she would crack the window. It is a Swedish tradition to allow the spirit to go free. Immediately felt the air move coming from under the closed door. It was awesome!
I am part of a community group that educates families how to care for their dead at home, with or without a funeral director. I have been to many “home funerals” and they are beautiful, and the family gets extra time to grieve at their own pace. And they do take pictures! Some do open their homes to the community. It is a very healing way to say goodbye, but does need education and community support.
@@paulinehancock9818 I would, too. I didn't even realize that this was still possible ... I figured there must be laws dictating that everything be handled by a funeral home.
Here in the South (SC), we still come together: sit with the family, cook/bring food, care for their pets, or anything else we can think might be needed. We also hang a boutique or wreath of white roses typically to let the community know to be respectful...
My grandmother told me her best friend broke her neck riding a horse when they were both 14. It would have been around 1924. She said the girl was “laid out on the kitchen table” and the parents had my grandmother come over to fix the young girl’s hair like only a best girlfriend can. I remember being shocked at that story but she said that’s how it was always done.
Your grandmother sounds wonderful. It must have been traumatic for her, but a last gift for her friend. Too many times, someone who is being 'laid out' doesn't look like themselves- the way their hair and makeup is done doesn't reflect the way they usually looked when alive. That being said, I am not a fan of seeing anyone's dead body.
We had a neighbor who lost his father. The grandson told us they put him in the freezer until they got ready to prepare his body for a home funeral. I think it was in part old ways and the cost of using a funeral home. I remember the young man saying we are going to my grandparents house to lay out my grandfather. I think he handled himself well and I admire him and his family for taking care of their own loved one.❤
The women in our family always cooked for the family who lost a loved one. I was too young, but that is still always the first thing I think of when someone dies! And I really DO think that helps any family then or now!
I well remember visiting with families in their homes as their loved ones lay in state there. I grew up in a small rural community in Tennessee that had no funeral home, and it was an accepted custom into the early 1950s. I feel it was meaningful!
Sadly, at some point, death not only became very clinical, it turned into something 'unnatural' and extremely uncomfortable - as if it stopped being a natural part of life.
I was brought up in the 1950-60's in the south, and the church and community would come and sit with the family. They also brought food. They would stay and clean after the meal. The funeral home would bring a black wreath and place on the outside by the door. The family wasn't left alone until the funeral and sometimes afterward. After the service and the family and friends would head to the cemetery. I remember people pulling their car over, and many would stand beside their car. Men removed their hats. Of course, this was small towns usually.😢
I worked for an attorney who had moved to Georgia from New York. He was pulled over by Georgia State Patrol for not pulling to the side of the road in respect for a funeral procession. Of course he took legal action over it. Couldn't see any reason for a three minute delay on his golf day.
@MarilinMontana, we still turn our lights on and stop, right where we are, and wait until the funeral procession has completely passed. We still hang a wreath on the door, but it is now, generally, white carnations with dark green foliage. We still cook for the grieving family. Usually, the obit will state whether the family will receive visitors, the hours, the place, etc. I love our Southern traditions ( well, most of them).
@cindyingram4072 , I can tell you that he most probably didn't make many friends where that happened! I can't fathom not turning my headlights on and stopping when a funeral procession is coming. It is just something you do. If you are late arriving somewhere, you simply state that you had to stop for a funeral procession. You can always tell when someone from another region is present. They'll blow their horns, scream at people to move, and try to get around people. We've found a lovely way of stopping that, in the area where I live. We turn our headlights on and simply stop in the middle of the road until the procession has completely passed. It's something that just comes naturally to us. It's about respect for the deceased and for their loved ones, and it means a lot to everybody.
While these photos can be jarring to us today, I respect anyone’s grieving process. Photography was too expensive for many during this time. The expense was incurred in death to cherish a family’s last moments together in the physical world. Mourning jewelry and other Momento Mori traditions of the time are something I think should be more readily available today! Thank you for normalizing this topic and allowing us to come together as a community on this platform!!
I'm 63 and vaguely remember a in home casket/funeral up to the family plot and burial happened. I remember this was like a 7 day event. I don't know if they were embalmed but I guess they would have to for a 7 day event in the heat with just ceiling fans going. It was a celebration, everyone brought food and it was spread out in the kitchen to feed everyone. Us kids played in the yard while the adults sat on the porch talking, laughing remembering. I was very little, only 3 or 4 and it was a happy memory. Not the dread you feel going into the funeral home with that smell in them.
I really liked the tradition of draping black over the doorway. I can't tell you how many times I find out that a neighbor or one of their loved ones has passed and I had no clue for months because I don't read the Obits daily
My mom wanted to have things she loved in the casket so we put a trashy Novel and a box of Chocolats and four roses. My mom would refer to the four daughters as her "Four Roses." She passed quietly in a hospice unit with me holding her hand. She had stayed in her home with caregivers up to the last two weeks when she went into a coma. The day of the Mass and funeral, I came home with a terrible headache and went straight to bed. I woke up smelling her favorite perfume EMERAUDE. My headache was gone and I knew she was at peace. She died in Jan. of 2001. I still remember that whole day of her passing. 💔🙏💕
I like the black draping to show that a family is in mourning. I totally believe in prayer and I believe that if people knew a random family lost a loved one they would be apt to pray for that family. In my family we take pictures of our loved ones in the casket, not to display but just to have. My mother had a baby by c-section who only lived for two days. Had we not had pictures of my sister in the casket, my mom would never have gotten to see her. Plus, since she was born before me, I’d have never been able to see her…and she was a beautiful perfect baby. ❤
Hospice has done a great job of enabling people to stay at home at the end of life. Years ago my husbands’ uncle passed away at home and was also waked at home. His home was an old house whose large foyer was used for that purpose. That was the only time we ever experienced an at home wake. I wouldn’t want the picture taking practice to come back, but glad that at home end of life is becoming more normalized now. I have been watching you channel for a while now and am thankful that I found it. You have helped me resolve some issues. Thank you so much for your candor and honesty.
Thank you for this really thoughtful film. We lost my 82-year old father on 21st May in Edinburgh, Scotland. We were really glad that, though 'on hospice,' he was able to die in his own bedroom and in his own home, and that we were all with him. It was very easy, peaceful, and natural: no struggle, no agony. He was a native of the Outer Hebrides and we managed to observe many traditional island customs: after the funeral, for instance (public, and for everyone) his coffin was carried in procession through the streets of Stornoway, every man present having a turn at bearing it on a bier. And he was finally buried in a seaside cemetery in the village where he had been born: the eight closest male relatives got to lower his coffin into the grave, and no one left the cemetery until it had been filled in (all the men present, including me as his eldest son, taking their turn at lifting a shovel.) My only regrets are that, given unusual delay and the very warm weather - most folk who die on the Isle of Lewis are buried within four days; his funeral was held up by eight - I had to make the difficult decision to have his body embalmed; and that foolish relatives prevented the remains reposing in the family home on Lewis. My father's body was left in the care of funeral directors and spent the eve of the funeral in Stornoway Free Church. I'll be wearing mourning, whenever I have to dress formally - a black tie; a sober suit - till just after the anniversary of his death next year. www.hebrides-news.com/funeral-of-professor-donald-macleod-31523.html#:~:text=Mourners%20gathered%20at%20his%20funeral,and%20on%20to%20Scotland%20Street.
I was at a funeral of a young Mexican man who passed away. The whole family was taking pictures with the body in the casket at the funeral home. As the only American who spoke Spanish in the group, I tried to explain to the others that this family was from the countryside in Mexico where they still stick to some of the older traditions. I think that having the dead body in the home makes death feel a little more normalized, as it should be. Fascinating stuff, Julie! Thank you!
@@nataliehuntfox8772 I am so terribly sorry for your loss. To lose a child is an unspeakable pain. But you were one of the chief mourners. So, I think you had the right to do whatever you needed to. My friend's baby was stillborn. She took pictures that hang in her home. After suffering the loss of a child, no one has to right to tell that parent how to grieve.
I agree with you 💯. I even dressed my son and combed his hair. Which was also something people tried to talk me out of but was my child and I needed to do that for him.
@@nataliehuntfox8772 I really admire you for caring for your son's body yourself. You had cared for him all that time. Why would you stop at the moment he passed?
We need to normalize grief. I have noted that society seems to expect grief to be experienced at home, alone, quietly, within a set number of days [3], and then be OVER. Get back to school, or work, and get back to normal, at all costs! This is not possible, nor should it be asked or expected of people. Grief is an inconsiderate bastard who will tap you on the shoulder at the worst and oddest of times. Acknowledge your feelings, and do not apologize.
Victorian death culture is so beautiful. I was first introduced to it in college when walking around a small town and my friends and I found a little curiosity shop. It was full of death photos, hair jewelry, antique coffins, and all sorts of bizarre and macabre items. The guy who worked there taught us all about everything and was so passionate. It was fascinating.
Hey Julie I love your podcasts. We plant a tree or a rose or a favorite bush for the dead person and sprinkle some of their ashes around the plant. When it flowers, when the leaves turn gold, or when the new buds come out, we feel the love. I also used to buy bouquets for my mother. Now that she has passed, every time I walk past a floral display I pick one out for her in my mind.
As a former healthcare worker I’m all for dying at home. 👍🏻😊❤️ As long as we have help like you (Hospice) in some cases it’s doable. Unfortunately a lot of people fall through the cracks because even though they may be dying, it they don’t fit into the “ box” of medical conditions allowed they are pretty much left on their own. Families are no longer living close to each-other, and community where everyone looks out for eachother has gone wayside too. I for one am living my life and not doing the standard “:you need to be tested for everything route” I have no problem saying no to my MD and I try to take the best care of myself and my husband. When our time comes I pray that we go quickly and at home👍🏻
I agree with communities coming together to support those who are grieving. I think it's even more important now when we are not always close to our families.
I’ve been watching your channel for a while because as a person who grew up overseas with foreign born parents, I view death differently than most.We’ve lost family members before - hospice was there, too. We all have an expiry date. Our mom is 93 this month and we are at a decision point for hospice. Although not all my family is agreeable to starting hospice right now, I think it will be soon. I say all this because we live in a time with nuclear families and tho many have extended relationships the “after” stuff is lacking. I would love to bring back the black banners to let neighbors know a person has passed. To acknowledge the passing of a community member. But, HOA rules may not allow them. Well, I know they don’t since the covenants specify what’s allowed. Sigh. We need to have a more general discussion about death and how to deal with it. Here in USA, we think death is not us, at least that’s what I see in my interactions with others. I wish for a celebration, not a funeral.
As a former oncology RN, I took FML, and my late husband died of cancer at home with family surrounding him and in no pain. My late mother died at home of cancer, being taken care of by my sisters in no pain . They took pictures back then, according to my grandparents who were born on the 1880s as pictures were very expensive. So weddings and memorial services were when pictures were taken.
I know a lot of people really freak out by the "death" pictures from the 1800's. There's something we have to understand. It wasn't everyone who could afford to have pictures made back then as photography was relatively new and expensive. Families simply didn't have snapshots on end tables, hanging on walls, etc. So they didn't have pictures to remember their deceased family members. They splurged at the time of death and had a family picture made with their deceased relative so they would then have one picture they could look at and remember their loved ones. As a mother and grandmother, I can not fathom burying my child or a grandchild and not have any pictures to look at when I wanted to do so. Times change, and so do our customs.
@friesp - That was my thought also. Anytime anything new comes about, it's more expensive. Remember when computers were brand new? The took up whole rooms with special temperature control to keep them from overheating and were only used for businesses as they were exorbitantly expensive. The home computer had yet to be invented, and once they were available, few people could afford one. Now we can get one that fits in our pockets and is also a phone! My grandmother, the 4th of 14 children grew up dirt poor in South Dakota and was always careful with her money, but would send clothes. furniture and other things back home to her family once she moved to the big city and was gainfully employed. I remember her youngest sibling, a girl, was only a few years older than my grandmother's daughter (my mother). Grandma had gone and purchased two baby dolls as Christmas gifts and was going to send one of them to her youngest sister, but wanted to keep the best one for her daughter, my mother. A friend of Grandma's mentioned that while my mom would have other dolls in her lifetime, her sister would probably only have one. With this in mind, she sent to nicer doll to her sister.
Beautiful video, thank you. My Mum died when I was 25, and my Dad died 22 months later. My sister, 24 at the time, is a palliative dementia nurse, and cared for them both in our childhood home, and when they died she washed and dressed them. I stayed at home and cared for her, and I have always admired and greatly respected how she was able to nurse both our dying parents for the three consecutive months they both lived after their diagnosis's. They wanted to be at home, surrounded by us, and it was wonderful they could have this. We also had a beautiful palliative nurse, a friend to my parents, visit every day. Having watched my parent's die, and experienced the utter pain of their loss, I have strangely not been afraid of death since. I have told my kids that when I die I want to be buried wearing cotton, in a hessian sack in the bush and have eucalyptus tree planted over my body. They can cut my waist-length hair and make belts out of it! :)
I love Victorian funeral photos. There are a lot where you can't tell who is the deceased and who are the living. I also love Victorian mourning jewelry. I find none of this disturbing at all. In the Jewish religion, we still have the tradition of covering all the mirrors in the house for 7 days after somebody passes away. Also, washing of the hands when coming back from the cemetery before you enter the family's home. There is always a pitcher and basin outside of the loved one's door to pour water over the hands. There are still so many interesting traditions from different religion's, etc. around the World and I'm fascinated by it all. Great video!!!
I love the idea of the black curtains or black arm band. Sadly as it is, we have lost the sense of community, we have became very insular. For example, most times you wouldn't know of a death in the community until it came up on Facebook. Grieving is now done alone, behind closed doors, this is sad and unhealthy for those left behind. On a personal note, when a patient of mine passes, and family have left. I open their window, and talk to them while preparing for morgue or funeral home. Love your vids. Xxx
An odd tradition at deaths in my family was to hear, the oration my uncle (technically dad's cousin) gave on the spanking my dad got instead of him. Long story short, 3 people here, my dad Melvin, his cousin Ralph and his father Albert. Dad was spending the day at Ralph's and as boys do they were running around causing havoc. Which is normal except this was a funeral home. And Uncle Al demanded a certain decorum at all times. Well they had managed to get downstairs where most of the business was conducted and their loud antics increased. Finally Uncle Al had had enough and clomped his way down the stairs to rain holy terror into the demons. When he reached the bottom of the stairs an imp was just passing by at full trot Al reached out and assailed the impudent fool with a sound thrashing calling out "Ralphie how many times have I told you NEVER be rambunctious down here?" (with his words punctuated with his hands upon the evil doer's butt.) This was met with intense wailing and the words "Uncle Al I'm MELVIN!!" Ralph grew up and took over the family business and many of my father's relations utilized him. So it became common place to regale the clan with this family lore at family visitations. To add further creepiness to the tale it has become known as "the casket room story" Mel and Ralph have passed on. But I'll always cherish the retellings of this tale.
My mother in-love’s death was the first and only death I experienced in a home. She was weak and wasn’t doing well and was taken to the hospital where she was diagnosed with stomach cancer. She didn’t want any treatment because they told her it might prolong her life 6mths. She told the doctor God gave her a good life and she wanted to go home to be with her family. For two weeks my husband, two small girls, and I stayed at my in-laws house so my husband could be with his parents and 3 siblings all taking turns to help care for mom. We never kept our kids from the whole process. We were explained by hospice each sign and step of the death process. It was hard and sad, but it was the most beautiful death I experienced. She was surrounded by her children and grandchildren up until her passing. We all laughed, cried, sang, and prayed with her. I wasn’t in the room when she took her last breath. I had walked out to tend to the kitchen and my children. My husband and his siblings and father were in there. We had just all been saying our good byes after singing . One of our church pastors had also come out to be with everyone. It wasn’t until my father in-love knelt beside the bed, placed her hand on his head, land say his goodbye and told her it was alright to go that afterwards she took her last breath. My husband, who was very close mom and who, was the youngest, whom she chose to go against doctors advice and abort him, putting her own life at risk, was at her head and heard her take her last breath. Her skin was cream color and she looked so radiant and at peace. It was late at night probably in the early am, and the younger grand babies were asleep. The person who picks up the dead from the mortuary came out around 2ish am and prepared to roll her away and into the Hearst. He didn’t drape or cover her and allowed us to do a good bye procession out to the Hearst as he placed her into the back. He didn’t cover her still(zip her body bag up with her and the sheets inside) until he left around the corner when he stopped and got out and did it as he was further away from us. My little girls didn’t see grandma leave. The next day they woke up and walked their little selves down the long hallway into grandma and grand room grumbling and sad that grandma was gone, but when they reached her side of the bed and saw her body gone and the bed made, they gleamed with joy and said in a loud excited questioning voices,”Grandma went to heaven with Jesus?!” They were 2 and 3 years old and grasped the concept of Jesus’ death and resurrection and our own resurrection in death and to be with Him. They were no longer upset. We didn’t let them go to the viewing or the celebration of life and burial because I wanted them to keep the understanding they had without the confusion of the body still present without the spirit and know the truth about the spirit and soul. Plus I didn’t want them to see her that way but remember her alive and the peaceful look when she passed.Grandma’s gravesite was Know as Grandma’s garden and when they got a little older we let them know what happens when a someone dies and that the body dies but the spirit and soul doesn’t. They had very great understanding. At the viewing, an Aunt took pictures of my mother in-love in her casket with her makeup and everything and also of all of us next to her. I kept the copy and shoes it to the kids as they got older. I personally would have rather not had a viewing because I wanted to remember her last when she first passed and the beauty she had. She didn’t looks the same after her hair and makeup was done when she was lying there on the casket. It’s different to see someone in the home than after being refrigerated and prepare in that way.thats just my preference. I think it stemmed back when I went to my first funeral at 4 or 5, and I followed my mom up to the open casket and kissed the forehead of my great grand step father because my mom and all the family were doing it. He was very cold to the touch and hard and he didn’t look right. Also, my grandmother didn’t look right from When she first passed in the hospital to when we seen her in a wooden box at the crematory. I’m so glad my children’s first experience of death was twhen my Mother-in love passed. We did record memories of her during that 2 week time on hospice as well.
My father fought so hard to live. He and my mother were sweethearts. They were married 66 years. As a kid I recall them dancing in the kitchen now and then…, they had goofy smiles on their faces. Dad would hum or sing as they danced. They also went on dates together once a month or so… we were never invited. Their relationship wasn’t always a bed of roses but they worked hard to keep their affection and respect for one another fresh and sparkling. My father died ten years ago. Of course mother misses him. He came for her once, but just before they touched, mother said he turned around as if someone called to him and he vanished. Though she feels his presence, he has not reappeared. The other day, out of the blue, she told me that when he comes again, she intends to go with him. We drove in silence until we got home.
My dad passed away last year. Suddenly, we followed family tradition, and my friend, our local vicker, contacted the funeral company, and we had dad home in his coffin for 5 days all curtains drawn in respect and friends and family came to pay their respect, the community really pulled together around us and all the locals came to the funeral for support and respect
Wow!!! Bringing up the black wreath jogged my memory!! I think the funeral home did that to my granny's front door when my mommy died in 1969!! I had buried THAT memory!!! Thanks Nurse Julie ❤
Julie I just love your videos! Thank you so much for all you share with us. I remember in college I was so thankful 30 years ago for a class on Dimensions of death and dying. And as you could imagine, there were not a lot of people! I have a question for you. Does music play a role for you in your patients’ home? I know when my grandma was passing away, she was already unconscious this point, that when I turned on her favorite Perry Como tape, the whole entire energy in the room changed dramatically!! Wow! It was like we had opened the windows. It was a beautiful experience. I’d love to hear you thoughts on having soft music playing for those who are actively dying. Thank you!😊
My mother was a classical pianist. For the months she was bedridden before her death, the radio was on the classical station every day. I could see her eyes move back and forth as she listened and took in the details of the music she had loved. It was playing when she died softly in the background.
My uncle died in 1948 and I recall as a very young boy that he was "laid out" in a casket right in the living room. People came and went for 2 days and after that he was buried. According to my mother this was essentially how it was done prior to the 1950's. It was the last "funeral" to be held inside the home for our family. Even my grandparents had a viewing in the funeral home. One of the strangest things I witnessed was my grandmother on the other side of the family take multiple pictures of my grandfather in his casket. Then, when the pictures were developed, she sent copies to multiple family members. I recall my mom kind of recoiling when she opened up the letter containing the picture. She said to my father and then to me, do you want this? We both said NO. She chucked it.
I’m from Oklahoma and we are still largely Native American and still have home funerals in our small communities. I still remember when I was little my grandfather laying in the living room for days and the whole family being there and when I say whole family I mean like 50-60 people camped out on blankets in the house on the porch in the yard. I was like 4 years old and remember this so vividly. I’m 61 now. We ate our food setting right on the floor in front of him and laughed and played just like He was still there. I don’t remember anyone being sad. Then we went to the church and walked behind him to the cemetery. It’s not done as often but there are still some done still in our rural areas with the last elders left.
I can remember as a child the open coffin of my grandmother in the house I didn't like that also all the curtains in the house were drawn closed I found that so depressing shutting god's daylight out the curtains would be closed for a week,I'm so glad no one follows those practices now it's so outdated.
I’m old enough to remember people being waked in their homes. Most older houses have wake rooms specifically for this purpose. When I was a kid one of my childhood friends was hit by a car n passed. She had an identical twin. It was extremely hard on her. I can’t imagine being that age n seeing your identical twin deceased. We were all friends. I remember going to the house to pay my respects alone. I was about 7 or 8. It was more personal than a funeral home. That tradition was on it’s way out then. It wasn’t common but definitely not unheard of.
A question. When the "wake room" wasn't used for a wake, was it used for something else? Was it just a small room for a laying out? Was the corpse left alone in the room?
@@alexstokowsky6360 , I’ve seen pictures of back when they were used instead of a funeral home and they were set up as a sitting room. When I moved into an apartment there was one in the front of the place off the living room. It’s an odd size n shape for a small bedroom. I asked the landlord about it out of curiosity n he told me what it was. I wasn’t sure if I believed him so I researched it. I was surprised n realized I had seen these rooms before in other homes. It’s just that nobody uses them for waking people anymore. The childhood friend who passed wasn’t in one of those rooms because their house was newer n there was no waking room. There’s always someone there with the deceased one. Her Mother didn’t leave her until the funeral. Her twin stayed as well. The family understood how hard it was for her. I’m sure there were other family members that stayed with her while they ate, showered, etc, so she wasn’t left alone. It was customary that they aren’t left alone during that time.
My mom was in the e d of life time. She hadn't spoke to anyone at all. She had all the end of life stages. She woke up,sat JP and said Don't worry Leland, I'm coming. Momentelater, she passed. We were with us and going to heaven with her baby brother who she rIsed! I believe she saw him and he was with her!
My whole life I have witnessed extended family and friends coming to basically say goodbye to the person, and being there for the immediate family in any way that they could possibly need. they were never alone. ❤️
In our family and community, the church the person is associated with will send flowers or a throw to the funeral home. They will go to the visitation/funeral and then provide a meal at the church if the family would like to have one. If they don't do a meal, then we usually take food to the house for them to have for those days between the death and the funeral. We also try to send food home with them after the post-funeral meal so that they don't have to cook for a few days. I wish we still had a tradition of a black band around the sleeve. I think it was a subtle sign that allowed even strangers to realize that the person might need a little more grace and help without the bereaved person having to explain it over and over.
You are Awesome. What a great education you are giving society.Thank you.They say Irish and Newfoundland wakes was where real celebrations of life happened..I heard many stories.
Thank you for all of the wonderful information. I work in internal medicine and watching your videos has help me speak with families and help them understand what hospice is.
I like the flowers at the door put out in my area. Not crazy about roadside memorials. The day before my sister went into the ER with sepsis during chemo, a 17 year old boy hydroplaned at the end of my driveway and was killed. I knew sonething was was wrong when I reached out to my sister with this shocking and sad event and she didn't respond. Eight days later, she died. I dont mean disrespect to the boy's family who put a roadside memorial there at the end of the drive across the street, but that was in 2013 and every day I leave my home I'm reminded of the sequence of events which might sound self centered, but the family of the boy has focused on their other children hopefully, but the day is brought back to me daily. No offense. I didn't put up a memorial at the hospital where she died.
Great video, I’m familiar with the entire community coming to pay their respects to the deceased for one last time, and have seen that happen in my own family. One thing about hospice as an inpatient v home care, there are people who live alone who really need inpatient hospice care. Another reason for inpatient care is that it can ease the stress on both the carer and the patient to be able to have a break away for a few hours, or where there are young children in the family who also need a lot of attention etc. I have heard people say they feel more ‘safe’ in the hospice setting where sudden distressing symptoms can be dealt with quickly.
We were at our local hospice house for 5 days. I live in a very small house, so it was wonderful for so many to come visit. Mom got great care. 5 days is all Medicare pays for, so she was home for the last 4 days. She got home, smiled and reached towards her beloved cat, Cali Jo and fell asleep. She didn't seem to be aware of much after that. I feel she knew she was home and she was content. Cali Jo never left her side except to eat and use the litter box until I had to remove her for the funeral directors .
My grandma passed away last November 28 and I like the way you explained in the simplest way especially for us who doesn't have any background with medical terms. Im still grieving that it came to a point that after her funeral Im crying everyday 😢 I missed my grandma and she passed away due to stage 4 breast cancer at the age of 100 years old.
This was totally fascinating. I liked the black curtain or wreath idea for identifying a family mourning the loss. The family pics with the dead one was a little over the top for me. The hair jewelry or pics I have seen before in museums. Too creepy for me.
Back in that time, photography was very expensive. So I'm guessing that it was probably saved for weddings and funerals. Imagine not being able to have any sort of picture of your loved one. I think it's totally reasonable for them to have done so.
Please send good wishes as my dear husband and I navigate his now month 14 with Glioblastoma and his decline. Im disagreeing with their belief that I cannot manage at home but when I see your video I feel re invigorated to care for my beloved at home. We have so many privileges and I can love and care for him. May not be perfect but Im a nurse and can do this. Hugs.
Only stumbled this video 10 months later, but i came across your channel in march as my now dearly departed grandad was in home hospice care that month before he died on the 30th of march 💔 but i kept his thumb print at back of my phone showing so i can see him everyday and rejoice the memories i had with him for the 30 years of my life till he departed and hes now with his wife now aka my grandmother 👵 😢❤ but going to your showed pictures when i first saw that pic of that young girl i was creeped out but now underdtanding the traditions back them its so cute 😢
People have turned to cremation as traditional funerals with burial have become so much more expensive. I remember in the 1950s seeing funeral processions on the way to the cemetery with many cars following. Nowadays I never see the processions and the motorcycle escorts with Police officers to guide them nonstop to the cemeteries. When I was growing up I attended many funerals and burials, but nowadays absolutely none. It seems to me most of the younger generation has never seen a deceased relative or friend. With the rise in cremations without memorial services it has changed the attitudes and customs that use to show respect to family that is in mourning.
I'd like to see natural burial permitted in every state and allow families to bathe and dress the deceased if they wish. Being legally required to farm the whole event out to funeral homes,.and requiring embalming and grave liners which people can't afford....that stinks.
As long the embalming process is required at the National level I don’t believe it can be forced on you. Embalming before the cremation makes absolutely no sense. The funeral homes are out to get people to pay extra anyway they can.
Not every cemetery requires embalming or a cement vault. My husband nor I wanted either one. He passed a few weeks ago and our wishes were met. We had to look around at several cemeteries until we found the right one for us.
Before my mom died, our hospice nurse told us we could wait as long as wanted to call in the death. She said too many call it in immediately and then later wished they could have had more time with their loved one. I’m so thankful she told us that!
I nursed my husband for weeks while he was dying. It was 24 hours a day 7 says a week and was totally exhausting physically and emotionally. Caring for a loved one without help is horrific. Dying at home isnt always the best option for the carer. The carer can only do so much alone.
I live in very rural upper peninsula of Michigan. The cemetery near my home is very interesting. The Graves are very reflective of the area. What really caught my eye is that quite a few Graves have benches and chairs for sitting at the grave site as well pictures etc.
My grandmother told the story about the death of a sister. This was in the early 1900’s in the Canadian Prairie the baby girl died and it was winter, everything was frozen so they could not bury her nor could they have a minister preside …. they wrapped 8:15 her and put the baby in a dry well until Spring when they could bury her and have the minister come by. At the time they brought her up from the well all the kids (siblings) wanted to see the baby and they unwrapped her and she was perfectly in tact…her body had been frozen. It was a sweet gesture for kids and parents to know death wasn’t gruesome just something that just is part of how life goes.
Thank you for sharing these facts/views points of yesterday and paying it forward. The black ribbon stands out. What a gentle way expressing death has enter the home . Thus, the door was / is open to support the grieving family during this dark moment. No spoken words need to be spoken at this difficult moment. Someone commented on opening the window to release the spirit of one's soul is comforting 🕊. Death is apart of the circle of life . May love continue flowing in the lives of the living ❤
It still happends in Papua New Guinea; when my mum's sister was dying, her family and extended family came together to take care of her. My other aunties would feed and bathe my mum's sister and people all over the village would come and give food, help out with the house duties, and just generally be around to help and comfort my aunty and her family in her final moments. After my aunty passed, the extended family and people in the vilage still hung around to help for a while and until my aunty's family are okay enough to carry on. Because PNG is still a developing nation, the notion of family and village culture is still strong within the people's minds and hearts, plus there is a strong belief in the afterlife and consideration for all those that have passed on before us.
These photos are called Momento Mori, (latin for 'Remember that you (will) die, I think). Pretty common practice back in the 19th century but it isn't done as a formal practice any longer. They always strike me as so terribly sad but they took photos of everyone from dogs and cats to all members of the family. It was a strange tribute but it was all they had to remember what their loved ones looked like. The kid sitting in the chair looks like Jake Harper in Two and a Half Men.
I'm writing a story about twin's being seperated at birth. (One of the twins is in hospital, the other twin only finds out recently.) Twin in hospital is slowly dying. When she does die, the living twin cuddles her dead twin. Even taking a "selfie" with her dead twin. Learning it happened in the past is amazing for me.
When my dad died I went to taco bell. I was hungry. When done I drove around numb in circles then went home. My mom I kissed her eyes closed. Told her to come back in spirit when it's my time. I admit I lost it losingy mom.
Hi Julie I think it is great ,when the community is alerted about a grieving. Please repeat the info regarding the class you took regarding connecting with your higher self. Thank you. Hanna in OC CA.
My brother died at age 40 and devastated our family. My dad took a picture and never told my mom. One day years later she went through the thumb drive from the camera. Well…the last picture was of my brother in the casket, my mom almost fell out her chair. My dad remembers funerals in homes and was brought up strict Catholic and they took pictures. Anyways, my mom and brother are finally together. I miss them so much.
My husband is dying at home. He doesn't want anybody here but me and his dogs. Wants no medical intervention. No one understands. I say - we r doing this the old fashioned way. He was just done. Said no more doctor visits, no ambulances - no hospitals - no one here but you and the dogs. Let me do this my way. So this video was extremely comforting to me. Thank you. I have been working with a hospice nurse long distance. She helps me a lot.
i told my wife when the end is close I want no visitors except my 2 dogs
Hey Nurse Julie, my family's of Irish extraction. When my Grandmother died from Esophageal Cancer in 1979; a fairly rare cancer back then. She was a smoker; she told of Irish folklore that when a person dies, birds will come and peck at the window as a way to direct the spirt that freedom is this way. When my Grandmother died; this was as hospice was coming into being in my community in California. We experienced six birds pecking at the windows; mainly her bedroom, but also in the living room. The tradition also continued because when my mother passed from Alzheimer's Disease in 2010. We looked up the Irish folklore; in Ireland today, it's quite common for the family of the deceased to bath, shave, and clothe the deceased and then they display the body on the dining table and decorate the table with flowers and lighted candles and the mourners can come in and pay their respects while the family are secluded in the living area. The mourning period in Ireland is three days; the family eat what's referred as the mourner's breakfast: Boiled Potatoes, Boiled Carrots, Boiled Onions and Boiled Cabbage. Tradition also dictates that on the third day at 10:00 a.m. the pall-bearers arrive with the casket. They load the deceased into the casket and carry the body to the local church followed by the mourning family, then the community. They celebrate mass and then they bury the body; in Ireland the mourning stops once the body is buried. We have some variation on the Irish Tradition for funerals; we however don't eat the mourner's breakfast for three days. In my mother's case, she experienced visions long before her death. My mother was first diagnosed as having Alzheimer's Disease in June 2008; after she drove Southbound in the Northbound Highway 101. The next day is when I took her to the neurologist; he was scarily accurate. He predicted that she would die on or near Easter 2010. She died the day before Easter; April 3rd, 2010. She died of from a small stroke followed immediately by an arrhythmia which killed her. But, at the exact moment she died, her spirit visited me, and said goodbye, like she did when I was a child growing up. It's still a memory that I refuse to share with others even among my extended family!
I will soon be 78 years old. When my Grandfather died, I was only about 3. I remember vividly, my Grandfather lying in his casket in the front parlor of their older farmstyle house back in MN. There was a big family gathering of friends and family to view my Grandfather's body...with lots to eat and drink and stories to tell.
Being so young, I didn't quite understand it all, but I'll NEVER FORGET what my Father did during this gathering. I was just a little tike, unable to see Grandpa in his casket. So with tears in his eyes, my Dad lifted me up so I could say goodbye to Grandpa. But what he did next, was a little unnerving. He put my little warm hand on top of Grandpa's cold, stiff hand, hoping that I might get an idea of what it means when someone dies.
It's an event in my life that I will never forget, and I remember it vividly every time someone I am close to, passes away....and there have been many such times during my 78 years on this earth. 😥
I'm Irish & live in Dublin. Due to circumstances beyond our control my father died in the emergency department of a hospital. It was awful. Once his body was released to us we took him home and waked him in the house for 3 days. Friends, family and neighbours came & helped us celebrate his life. I stayed up with him the night before his funeral. I talked to him, hugged and kissed him & traced every line on his face so I wouldn't forget an inch of him. Early the next morning I felt his spirit leave the house before his body did. Those 3 days having him home still brings me comfort over a decade later. I see more families here returning to the traditional Irish wake which I think is just beautiful.
As an anthropology student, I studied the funeral rites of the Marshallese people in the Western Pacific. They believed that the spirit of the person left the body on the third day, after which they could perform the funeral.
@melissamiller2696 Thanks for that, Melissa, that's really interesting.
Did you have to have him embalmed?
Thank you for sharing so much.
I think what your family did is beautiful.
I am sorry for thé loss of your father.
Thank you. We did have him embalmed as was recommended. I'm sure you could probably opt not to have the procedure done, but we just went the advice of our funeral director who really did a fantastic job of taking care of Dad and us at the time. The procedure was minimally invasive on his body & having him embalmed meant that he just looked like himself (although a little paler than usual) for the time we had him home.
@@JaimeMesChiensis
We need to bring back everyone helping each other
Yes!!!
I’m Albanian and every village had a group of women who would come to your home when someone died and sing lamentations (called kaba or miroloi). The whole village would walk with the family and carry the casket to the grave, while the women continue to sing lamentations. The orthodox priest will come and we have a special liturgy for the dead. It’s very beautiful.
Everyone is crying, embracing, singing, and we spend hours visiting with the family. The women will cook extra food and share it with them for however long they need it. If she is now a widow, the men will help her with the heavy work her husband did, train her sons if she has any. This happens much less in the villages now. Many are almost empty. The whole country has maybe 2 million people now, mostly in the cities. Everyone has left for other shores because of economics. I’m sad because one day there will be no one left to remember the dead and honor the dying. It’s not a sacred thing to younger people. For people my age, we see it as naturally as pregnancy, which has rhythms and cycles until birth. Dying is the same in reverse. We’ve learned to see it as it’s slowly happening, prepare for it, and count it as a blessing that we can be with them through it.
I am a Catholic...This is a Wonderful OrthodoxTradition....Wish it was this way for Everyone...So Supportive...!!!
My mom was adamant that we open the window near her bed when she passed. This was to ease the comming and going of her spirit and spirit guides. It was beautiful as it was raining that day and shortly after passing the sky cleared and a bunch of birds kept stopping by outside the window.
Nurses did this when I worked administration on the wards when patients passed away. 🪟 🕊
❤
I believe that is a Scandinavian tradition
I open a window even when my pets pass.
I’m also an RN.
We always open the window(s) to let the soul free.
My late-husband told me that it was an old Irish tradition, but he was Irish, real Irish, so he kinda said everything cool was an ‘old-Irish tradition.’ Lol
I love the black cloth to show you are grieving. When my mom died, I wanted the world to know this was a difficult time. I wish this was still done.
And if you don't have a black cloth, as Julie said, even black ribbon.
I hate how our culture makes grieving seem bad, like crying is bad. My FIL passed away on Tuesday and my MIL is concerned that she won’t get through the day of the funeral without tears. Tears are healthy!
@@beckykay9178 I DO NOT THINK OF CRYING AS BAD BUT I KNOW MANY PEOPLE FEEL VERY UNCOMFORTABLE BECAUSE THEY DON'T
QUITE KNOW WHAT TO DO. I USUALLY JUST HUG THE PERSON AND GENTLY ROCK THEM. IT SEEMS TO SOOTHE AND IT AVOIDS SAYING THE WRONG THING.🙏💕
I was a kid when my mother told me this story. She herself was a kid, around 1925, in Belgium. One of the local farmers was dying, so everyone in the community came around to say goodbye to him. He was able to speak with everyone, even the kids. When he passed, everyone came to the funeral. Even as a kid myself, I thought that was a wonderful thing for the family and friends and acquaintances to say goodbye face to face, person to person.
We have a family cemetery far back in the woods of East Texas. We open the casket one last time at the graveside and we as a family, sing an old country hymn like "Precious Memories" or "Go Rest High on that Mountain" before closing the casket for the final time.
Wow!! I don't think I'd want anyone digging up my grave. Once it's closed, keep it closed & let me sleep, thank you. ✌️😇
@@janetking2035 I think you misunderstand. No one is digging anyone up. The casket is opened at the gravesite for a few minutes for people who have gathered there. It is then closed for a committal ceremony and buried.
@@woodyww Ok. I see what you're talking about now. (duh Janet) I should have read your comment a little better.🤦 Thanks for setting me straight on that.
♥️🤍💙
Janet
When my father died in 2021 he was creamated. Our family purchased a "memorial tree" to be planted in our local park. All my life we have had picnics and Dad walked our dogs daily thru this park. There is a small memorial plaque near the base of the tree. I love visiting the park. Now I can visit the park and remember my Dad.
My daughter died from cancer at a hospice facility. Immediately after she died, she began to let go excretions from her mouth that had been slowly trickling out before her death. I had spent weeks trying to keep her face clean from excretions and the large volume at her death was somehow SO disturbing to me. I could only focus on how to clean up the mess instead of that she had finally passed. The hospice staff said not to worry, they would get her cleaned up. It's been almost 5 years now and I still regret not cleaning her body myself. I saw that her fingernails had not been cleaned up. I see now why some cultures have family clean and prepare the body. It would have been comforting to me to see her clean.
I’m so sorry for your loss. I watched my parents lose my brother to cancer and it truly broke them. Even after 40+ years, they still never truly recovered and now my mom is in the last days of her life in hospice care. It’s comforting to me that she will soon be with him again but don’t get caught up on how your daughter’s “shell” looked. She was far from it. Her soul was no longer suffering and despite not knowing you or her personally, I bet if she could tell you, she would tell you the same thing. That was just a small moment in time in eternity. She’s not upset but i bet she would be upset to know that you’re bothered about it❤
My family members had standard American-style deaths, memorials and burials. When my husband was dying, I threw his Bon Voyage party three weeks before he passed, so that everyone could say goodbye and also share stories among themselves, learning more about my husband BEFORE he died. It was very enjoyable, bittersweet, and healing for all, and several attendees said they wanted to do the same when their time came. I hope I am so lucky, too.
Addendum: My husband died peacefully at a beautiful, welcoming, 6-bed hospice facility. I was with him every day and slept on a single-bed-size pull-out sofa in his room. At his death, I called my best friend, who came and sat with me, reminiscing about him, in his room, for five hours before we had the funeral home come pick him up. He was cremated at a small mortuary in his favorite rural town and his ashes were scattered in the mountains by a dozen friends during a weekend at a lodge, where we held his memorial service.
Sounds like the most beautiful and loving way to say goodbye to your husband. I am sorry you lost him, but am happy at how you treated his dying days.
I love this. It's so much better than the funeral and wake when everyone is sad and saying things about the person, and the person can't hear how they felt about them.
Thank you for these videos.
Wow!
I lived in Ireland for many years and experienced loved ones dying and others as well. In smaller villages and towns, the bereaved walk behind the hearse to the graveyard. The hearse will often drive past the departed one’s home and stop one last time for a minute, then carry on. As the entourage goes slowly down the street, pedestrians will stop and pray and shopkeepers will turn out their lights as a mark of respect and remembrance. It was a very somber experience followed by a joyful wake. I’ll never forget it.
I'm 47 and when I was younger -1990's, I took care of my grandma till she went to the hospital and passed away. Only a few days in hospital because of an aortic anurysm. (Spelling sorry) same with my uncle and mom. I feel so blessed to have been there holding her hand as she breathed her last. I also called her time of death. When my nephew Brandon was born with a birth defect, very physically severe. He lived 12 days. We were all up there for him. When things were settled, we all got to hold him, cuddle and sing to him. Let me tell you that was so HARD!!! When my husband passed away, I found him in bed. He looked so peaceful and he was listening to his favorite music when he passed. I miss him and my grandma the most, as we were closest. I love that in Jewish tradition when a loved one passes, the family and community from the Temple or synagogue come and clean the deceased from head to toe and then wrapped in a shroud before burial.
I wish the family and community would be more involved. Rather than EW that disgusting. No, that is the shell of your loved one. It seems as if mourning is not a thing to do. And definitely don't be emotional. Really??? Now I will say that I would be uncomfortable knowing that so and so is either laying in their bed or out in the living room. Not for me. I love the thought of Celebration of Life services. I believe it's good to gather, eat, share great memories and laugh and cry. I also agree when losing your loved ones grief doesn't stop all of a sudden because the services are over. I believe that we should come alongside those people and continue to be there with a call, cry,coffee, sitting quietly or holding their hands. Emotions are tossed away and it feels like the person who died is also. Because it's icky. Well your loved one isn't icky nor seemed to be thrown out.❤
I think death should be just another moment in the life of a community or family. It’s an event that happens in all places and peoples. It’s something we share. And everyone should support each other through it.
Preach!!
@@hospicenursejulie and supporting them to Jesus. That's what should happen. To bad a lot of people will not do that. It's a shame really!
Great video and I agree! Somethings that our ancestors did surround death should be brought back. When my little nephew died (8 months in utero) I drove 2 days to get to the hospital with my brother and sister in law. My parents didn't even bother to make a 7 hour drive until 2 days later and when they did arrive, my dad told my brother and sister in law that they can just "have another kid." The extended family only sent sympathy cards and one of our uncles asked me on the phone if the baby was "human." I was sick to my stomach. In the end, my brother and sister in law were so traumatized by how the whole situation, that they didn't want any family at the burial. I couldn't blame them. I wish my family wasn't so cold and actually had some heart felt and honoring traditions. 😢 It's been 13 years and I can still feel the pain and disgust. Yes! Let's bring back these honoring traditions! (or most of them)!
My grandfather was decapitated in the coal mines. Even then my family was responsible for cleaning and dressing him. There were no funeral homes in dirt poor Appalachia. The whole town of Centralia came together to help. Now that town is known for the underground coal mine fire that has burned for decades.
Wow. That is moving on so many levels. My "people" were Alabama mill workers. They tended to die a slower work related death. Labor Day always seemed more like Memorial Day to me. Particularly since they were the back bone of progress, but also they generally were so poor the war efforts looked more like opportunity.
🙏🏼 😢
Such solemn memories you shared with us. Thank you.
🙏🙏🙏
Coal miners had a terrible existence, so much so that they started a war against their employers, that owned and controlled most of their lives. They were truly slaves of the era. It’s how and why labor unions started. I watched a few of Peter Santenello’s videos where he goes into Appalachian mountains and interviews those who’s families still work in the coal mines. Many had stories to tell. They are good, hardworking people despite the bad reputation they are given
Bless your Grandfather and family. Had something similar with mine, very different time. 🙏
We took my parents into our home 5 years ago. My dad passed in our home at 95 & my mom is still living with us. I feel it’s the right thing for us but at times it feels lonely. It’s not a community effort as it once was. I would love to get back to that, especially after seeing first hand just how hard it is to be old.
I like the idea of bringing mourning back into the home. My earliest memory is of being in the parlor with my grandmother’s remains surrounded by pictures and mementoes. I would have been 3 years old, and remember being comfortable in the space. I far prefer that to the uncomfortable atmosphere of a funeral home.
I'm Irish, second generation on both sides, and we still do a wake, though not the raucous version once found in rural County Connaught. The funeral home, at my grandpa's wake, was a bit startled to see the grandsons assemble to sing "The Parting Glass", followed by "The Night That Paddy Murphy Died." They were prepared for the priest to lead the Rosary and the Chaplet of Divine Mercy, not so prepared for the two cousins with pipes and bodhran and the other cousins to start dancing in the next room. To their eternal surprise, the Requiem Mass the next day was as solemn and beautiful as such a service ought to be, with the same rowdy cousins this time singing the Miserere Mei Deus, a Cappella, perfectly.
Personally I love the fact that our funeral traditions are not sanitized and wiped clear of reference to the fact that the person has actually died. We have a funeral, not a "celebration of life". Yes we do give thanks for the life that the person has lived, but we don't sugarcoat the mourning aspects either, and we do include children from a very young age.
Amen, thank you for sharing this is a beautiful way to say goodbye or see you later!
Connaught Is a Pro vince? Mayo is a County. God Bless
Perfection!
I agree that a funeral mass should be solemn. I loved the old requiem high mass with the melancholy music. It made you cry and mourn. Not a fan of these rambling celebrations of life where people endlessly saunter up to say a few words. That’s for after the funeral, at the house. But that’s just me. Remembering someone should be positive, even joyful assuming the decreased wasn’t a horrible person. Saying goodbye should be sad.
What great historical info. The part about the deceased holding the pose for obvious reasons and looking clearer than the living in a photo due to the shutter speed was very interesting. I do not like pictures of the deceased. I was shocked when my mother-in-law whipped out a photo of her mother in the casket. I guess it was customary among their family, which is Polish, to photograph the deceased even in the 60’s. I politely looked and probably made a comment that granny looked sweet. But it creeped me out.
This so fascinating. When my dad died, my husband and I washed him, dressed him then I actually laid next to him and just held him .He was so fragile towards the end that I could hardly touch him. By laying next to him on top of the covers, I was able to hold him in my arms. Maybe that sounds creepy but I knew that was the last time I could really hug my dad whom was my best friend.💙💙💙
Oh I wanted to add that he was able to see all his family and call his friends who live afar and say goodbye. It was heartwarming 💕
I think it was lovely that you were able to do that without worrying that you would hurt him.
@1968TLS. That wasn't creepy at all. It was a loving gesture.
When my Father was in his last hours in the hospital, the nurses pushed another bed right next to Daddy and my Mother was able to snuggle and sleep in his arms. What a wonder memory I have.
I only hope I'm able to do the same with my Darling Husband because he is in the last stage of Alzheimer's and 2 other diseases. 😢
Not creepy! My grandson was stillborn. I sat and rocked him and hugged him and kissed him and talked to him. I will see him again!
Mom with lung cancer at home till last week, Dad till last 10 days stayed at home with us kids looking after them. My brother died this year, no funeral but a family get together sharing memories. I hate funerals, don't want one. My 9 year old Son's funeral with the smell haunted me for years. Funerals are horrible to me. The best is if you get to spend time with them while the person is dying, doing this provided peace to me. Insist on seeing your love one, prior to what they do at the funeral home. I would now want to be cremated. For my Brother we all got jewelry with his ashes and little urns.
God comfort thee in Jesus name
So sorry for your losses. Just know they are feeling free
We just had my mom’s funeral the director said the lily’s flowers smell terrible and make that smell. They are a beautiful flower but they shed and they stink it’s not the body..
@@DonnaMaldona Thank you for sharing that.
This is exactly how my small community is in Louisiana. Im blessed to have such amazing family and community here. Im 35 and have terminal cancer and every Sunday people come by before and after church to bring food and clean up the house. They know that I lost my parents and grandparents so I dont have much family. Sometimes I feel bad because I dont have the energy to welcome them but I know they understand. The best thing is that they are there for my 16 yr old son.
In my family we leave a window cracked for 3 days after they pass. Im having a home funeral then will be cremated. Half of my ashes will be sent off to be a diamond. Im not sure what he plans to do with it tho. Set it in ring or necklace? We havent decided that.
I feel blessed to have this time to plan everything for my passing. I think people should give more planning to what they want at the end of life.
After my vet euthanized my dog, I asked her if she would crack the window. It is a Swedish tradition to allow the spirit to go free. Immediately felt the air move coming from under the closed door. It was awesome!
My mum passed at home this past March. I asked my sister to go open the back door for my mums spirit to go free,
I am part of a community group that educates families how to care for their dead at home, with or without a funeral director. I have been to many “home funerals” and they are beautiful, and the family gets extra time to grieve at their own pace. And they do take pictures! Some do open their homes to the community. It is a very healing way to say goodbye, but does need education and community support.
I would love to learn more about this way of honoring the dead and dying.
@@paulinehancock9818 home funeral alliance is a great resource to check out
@@paulinehancock9818 I would, too. I didn't even realize that this was still possible ... I figured there must be laws dictating that everything be handled by a funeral home.
LOVE THIS 🙏
Here in the South (SC), we still come together: sit with the family, cook/bring food, care for their pets, or anything else we can think might be needed. We also hang a boutique or wreath of white roses typically to let the community know to be respectful...
My grandmother told me her best friend broke her neck riding a horse when they were both 14. It would have been around 1924. She said the girl was “laid out on the kitchen table” and the parents had my grandmother come over to fix the young girl’s hair like only a best girlfriend can. I remember being shocked at that story but she said that’s how it was always done.
Your grandmother sounds wonderful. It must have been traumatic for her, but a last gift for her friend. Too many times, someone who is being 'laid out' doesn't look like themselves- the way their hair and makeup is done doesn't reflect the way they usually looked when alive.
That being said, I am not a fan of seeing anyone's dead body.
I wonder if that kindness helped her with her grief over her friend, and others. 🙏
We had a neighbor who lost his father. The grandson told us they put him in the freezer until they got ready to prepare his body for a home funeral. I think it was in part old ways and the cost of using a funeral home. I remember the young man saying we are going to my grandparents house to lay out my grandfather. I think he handled himself well and I admire him and his family for taking care of their own loved one.❤
The women in our family always cooked for the family who lost a loved one. I was too young, but that is still always the first thing I think of when someone dies! And I really DO think that helps any family then or now!
Yes we still do that, but sometimes we cheat and purchase ' home cooked food' as most women work now
D
Id so love to see you and Ask A Mortician do a collab!
I well remember visiting with families in their homes as their loved ones lay in state there. I grew up in a small rural community in Tennessee that had no funeral home, and it was an accepted custom into the early 1950s. I feel it was meaningful!
Sadly, at some point, death not only became very clinical, it turned into something 'unnatural' and extremely uncomfortable - as if it stopped being a natural part of life.
It became money making business 😞
I was brought up in the 1950-60's in the south, and the church and community would come and sit with the family. They also brought food. They would stay and clean after the meal. The funeral home would bring a black wreath and place on the outside by the door. The family wasn't left alone until the funeral and sometimes afterward. After the service and the family and friends would head to the cemetery. I remember people pulling their car over, and many would stand beside their car. Men removed their hats.
Of course, this was small towns usually.😢
I worked for an attorney who had moved to Georgia from New York. He was pulled over by Georgia State Patrol for not pulling to the side of the road in respect for a funeral procession. Of course he took legal action over it. Couldn't see any reason for a three minute delay on his golf day.
@MarilinMontana, we still turn our lights on and stop, right where we are, and wait until the funeral procession has completely passed. We still hang a wreath on the door, but it is now, generally, white carnations with dark green foliage. We still cook for the grieving family. Usually, the obit will state whether the family will receive visitors, the hours, the place, etc. I love our Southern traditions ( well, most of them).
@cindyingram4072 , I can tell you that he most probably didn't make many friends where that happened! I can't fathom not turning my headlights on and stopping when a funeral procession is coming. It is just something you do. If you are late arriving somewhere, you simply state that you had to stop for a funeral procession. You can always tell when someone from another region is present. They'll blow their horns, scream at people to move, and try to get around people. We've found a lovely way of stopping that, in the area where I live. We turn our headlights on and simply stop in the middle of the road until the procession has completely passed. It's something that just comes naturally to us. It's about respect for the deceased and for their loved ones, and it means a lot to everybody.
It doesn't matter on the size of town. Its called respect. Something people don't seem to have.
@@suzannerodriguez8600 AAAWW I LOVE IT!!!!
While these photos can be jarring to us today, I respect anyone’s grieving process. Photography was too expensive for many during this time. The expense was incurred in death to cherish a family’s last moments together in the physical world. Mourning jewelry and other Momento Mori traditions of the time are something I think should be more readily available today! Thank you for normalizing this topic and allowing us to come together as a community on this platform!!
I'm 63 and vaguely remember a in home casket/funeral up to the family plot and burial happened. I remember this was like a 7 day event. I don't know if they were embalmed but I guess they would have to for a 7 day event in the heat with just ceiling fans going. It was a celebration, everyone brought food and it was spread out in the kitchen to feed everyone. Us kids played in the yard while the adults sat on the porch talking, laughing remembering. I was very little, only 3 or 4 and it was a happy memory. Not the dread you feel going into the funeral home with that smell in them.
I really liked the tradition of draping black over the doorway. I can't tell you how many times I find out that a neighbor or one of their loved ones has passed and I had no clue for months because I don't read the Obits daily
My mom wanted to have things she loved in the casket so we put a trashy
Novel and a box of
Chocolats and four roses. My mom would refer to the four daughters as her
"Four Roses."
She passed quietly in a hospice unit with me holding her hand. She had stayed in her home with caregivers up to the last two weeks when she went into a coma.
The day of the Mass and funeral, I came home with a terrible headache
and went straight
to bed. I woke up
smelling her favorite perfume
EMERAUDE. My headache was gone and I knew she was at peace.
She died in Jan. of 2001. I still remember that whole day of her
passing.
💔🙏💕
I like the black draping to show that a family is in mourning. I totally believe in prayer and I believe that if people knew a random family lost a loved one they would be apt to pray for that family.
In my family we take pictures of our loved ones in the casket, not to display but just to have.
My mother had a baby by c-section who only lived for two days. Had we not had pictures of my sister in the casket, my mom would never have gotten to see her. Plus, since she was born before me, I’d have never been able to see her…and she was a beautiful perfect baby. ❤
Hospice has done a great job of enabling people to stay at home at the end of life. Years ago my husbands’ uncle passed away at home and was also waked at home. His home was an old house whose large foyer was used for that purpose. That was the only time we ever experienced an at home wake.
I wouldn’t want the picture taking practice to come back, but glad that at home end of life is becoming more normalized now.
I have been watching you channel for a while now and am thankful that I found it. You have helped me resolve some issues. Thank you so much for your candor and honesty.
Thank you for this really thoughtful film. We lost my 82-year old father on 21st May in Edinburgh, Scotland. We were really glad that, though 'on hospice,' he was able to die in his own bedroom and in his own home, and that we were all with him. It was very easy, peaceful, and natural: no struggle, no agony. He was a native of the Outer Hebrides and we managed to observe many traditional island customs: after the funeral, for instance (public, and for everyone) his coffin was carried in procession through the streets of Stornoway, every man present having a turn at bearing it on a bier. And he was finally buried in a seaside cemetery in the village where he had been born: the eight closest male relatives got to lower his coffin into the grave, and no one left the cemetery until it had been filled in (all the men present, including me as his eldest son, taking their turn at lifting a shovel.) My only regrets are that, given unusual delay and the very warm weather - most folk who die on the Isle of Lewis are buried within four days; his funeral was held up by eight - I had to make the difficult decision to have his body embalmed; and that foolish relatives prevented the remains reposing in the family home on Lewis. My father's body was left in the care of funeral directors and spent the eve of the funeral in Stornoway Free Church. I'll be wearing mourning, whenever I have to dress formally - a black tie; a sober suit - till just after the anniversary of his death next year. www.hebrides-news.com/funeral-of-professor-donald-macleod-31523.html#:~:text=Mourners%20gathered%20at%20his%20funeral,and%20on%20to%20Scotland%20Street.
Thank you for sharing
Thanks, Hospice Nurse Julie - how kind. It was a difficult time. @@pamelacarnes9652
I remember seeing black wreaths on doors in the '50s in the South. It was also to show others to be respectful of the family's grief.
Yes….i was going to mention the black ribbon hanger on the door. Sounds very similar to your black wreath.
@@janiewerner 👍
I was at a funeral of a young Mexican man who passed away. The whole family was taking pictures with the body in the casket at the funeral home. As the only American who spoke Spanish in the group, I tried to explain to the others that this family was from the countryside in Mexico where they still stick to some of the older traditions. I think that having the dead body in the home makes death feel a little more normalized, as it should be. Fascinating stuff, Julie! Thank you!
I took a picture of my son in his casket. I don’t openly share the photo because people find it weird or creepy. But I’m not sorry I did.
@@nataliehuntfox8772 I am so terribly sorry for your loss. To lose a child is an unspeakable pain. But you were one of the chief mourners. So, I think you had the right to do whatever you needed to. My friend's baby was stillborn. She took pictures that hang in her home. After suffering the loss of a child, no one has to right to tell that parent how to grieve.
I agree with you 💯. I even dressed my son and combed his hair. Which was also something people tried to talk me out of but was my child and I needed to do that for him.
@@nataliehuntfox8772 I really admire you for caring for your son's body yourself. You had cared for him all that time. Why would you stop at the moment he passed?
Yes! You get it!
We need to normalize grief. I have noted that society seems to expect grief to be experienced at home, alone, quietly, within a set number of days [3], and then be OVER. Get back to school, or work, and get back to normal, at all costs! This is not possible, nor should it be asked or expected of people. Grief is an inconsiderate bastard who will tap you on the shoulder at the worst and oddest of times. Acknowledge your feelings, and do not apologize.
Thank you Julie! I could not agree with you more-we are deeply Loved!!
Victorian death culture is so beautiful. I was first introduced to it in college when walking around a small town and my friends and I found a little curiosity shop. It was full of death photos, hair jewelry, antique coffins, and all sorts of bizarre and macabre items. The guy who worked there taught us all about everything and was so passionate. It was fascinating.
Hey Julie I love your podcasts. We plant a tree or a rose or a favorite bush for the dead person and sprinkle some of their ashes around the plant. When it flowers, when the leaves turn gold, or when the new buds come out, we feel the love. I also used to buy bouquets for my mother. Now that she has passed, every time I walk past a floral display I pick one out for her in my mind.
Love this! ❤
As a former healthcare worker I’m all for dying at home. 👍🏻😊❤️ As long as we have help like you (Hospice) in some cases it’s doable. Unfortunately a lot of people fall through the cracks because even though they may be dying, it they don’t fit into the “ box” of medical conditions allowed they are pretty much left on their own. Families are no longer living close to each-other, and community
where everyone looks out for eachother has gone wayside too. I for one am living my life and not doing the standard “:you need to be tested for everything route” I have no problem saying no to my MD and I try to take the best care of myself and my husband. When our time comes I pray that we go quickly and at home👍🏻
I agree with communities coming together to support those who are grieving. I think it's even more important now when we are not always close to our families.
I’ve been watching your channel for a while because as a person who grew up overseas with foreign born parents, I view death differently than most.We’ve lost family members before - hospice was there, too. We all have an expiry date. Our mom is 93 this month and we are at a decision point for hospice. Although not all my family is agreeable to starting hospice right now, I think it will be soon. I say all this because we live in a time with nuclear families and tho many have extended relationships the “after” stuff is lacking. I would love to bring back the black banners to let neighbors know a person has passed. To acknowledge the passing of a community member. But, HOA rules may not allow them. Well, I know they don’t since the covenants specify what’s allowed. Sigh. We need to have a more general discussion about death and how to deal with it. Here in USA, we think death is not us, at least that’s what I see in my interactions with others. I wish for a celebration, not a funeral.
As a former oncology RN, I took FML, and my late husband died of cancer at home with family surrounding him and in no pain. My late mother died at home of cancer, being taken care of by my sisters in no pain . They took pictures back then, according to my grandparents who were born on the 1880s as pictures were very expensive. So weddings and memorial services were when pictures were taken.
I know a lot of people really freak out by the "death" pictures from the 1800's. There's something we have to understand. It wasn't everyone who could afford to have pictures made back then as photography was relatively new and expensive. Families simply didn't have snapshots on end tables, hanging on walls, etc. So they didn't have pictures to remember their deceased family members. They splurged at the time of death and had a family picture made with their deceased relative so they would then have one picture they could look at and remember their loved ones. As a mother and grandmother, I can not fathom burying my child or a grandchild and not have any pictures to look at when I wanted to do so. Times change, and so do our customs.
@friesp - That was my thought also.
Anytime anything new comes about, it's more expensive. Remember when computers were brand new? The took up whole rooms with special temperature control to keep them from overheating and were only used for businesses as they were exorbitantly expensive. The home computer had yet to be invented, and once they were available, few people could afford one. Now we can get one that fits in our pockets and is also a phone!
My grandmother, the 4th of 14 children grew up dirt poor in South Dakota and was always careful with her money, but would send clothes. furniture and other things back home to her family once she moved to the big city and was gainfully employed. I remember her youngest sibling, a girl, was only a few years older than my grandmother's daughter (my mother). Grandma had gone and purchased two baby dolls as Christmas gifts and was going to send one of them to her youngest sister, but wanted to keep the best one for her daughter, my mother. A friend of Grandma's mentioned that while my mom would have other dolls in her lifetime, her sister would probably only have one. With this in mind, she sent to nicer doll to her sister.
Beautiful video, thank you.
My Mum died when I was 25, and my Dad died 22 months later. My sister, 24 at the time, is a palliative dementia nurse, and cared for them both in our childhood home, and when they died she washed and dressed them. I stayed at home and cared for her, and I have always admired and greatly respected how she was able to nurse both our dying parents for the three consecutive months they both lived after their diagnosis's. They wanted to be at home, surrounded by us, and it was wonderful they could have this.
We also had a beautiful palliative nurse, a friend to my parents, visit every day.
Having watched my parent's die, and experienced the utter pain of their loss, I have strangely not been afraid of death since.
I have told my kids that when I die I want to be buried wearing cotton, in a hessian sack in the bush and have eucalyptus tree planted over my body. They can cut my waist-length hair and make belts out of it! :)
I love Victorian funeral photos. There are a lot where you can't tell who is the deceased and who are the living. I also love Victorian mourning jewelry. I find none of this disturbing at all. In the Jewish religion, we still have the tradition of covering all the mirrors in the house for 7 days after somebody passes away. Also, washing of the hands when coming back from the cemetery before you enter the family's home. There is always a pitcher and basin outside of the loved one's door to pour water over the hands. There are still so many interesting traditions from different religion's, etc. around the World and I'm fascinated by it all. Great video!!!
I love the idea of the black curtains or black arm band. Sadly as it is, we have lost the sense of community, we have became very insular. For example, most times you wouldn't know of a death in the community until it came up on Facebook. Grieving is now done alone, behind closed doors, this is sad and unhealthy for those left behind. On a personal note, when a patient of mine passes, and family have left. I open their window, and talk to them while preparing for morgue or funeral home. Love your vids. Xxx
An odd tradition at deaths in my family was to hear, the oration my uncle (technically dad's cousin) gave on the spanking my dad got instead of him. Long story short, 3 people here, my dad Melvin, his cousin Ralph and his father Albert. Dad was spending the day at Ralph's and as boys do they were running around causing havoc. Which is normal except this was a funeral home. And Uncle Al demanded a certain decorum at all times. Well they had managed to get downstairs where most of the business was conducted and their loud antics increased. Finally Uncle Al had had enough and clomped his way down the stairs to rain holy terror into the demons. When he reached the bottom of the stairs an imp was just passing by at full trot Al reached out and assailed the impudent fool with a sound thrashing calling out "Ralphie how many times have I told you NEVER be rambunctious down here?" (with his words punctuated with his hands upon the evil doer's butt.) This was met with intense wailing and the words "Uncle Al I'm MELVIN!!" Ralph grew up and took over the family business and many of my father's relations utilized him. So it became common place to regale the clan with this family lore at family visitations. To add further creepiness to the tale it has become known as "the casket room story" Mel and Ralph have passed on. But I'll always cherish the retellings of this tale.
Love the story and your writing of it. 😂
For me, I don’t like seeing my loved ones laid out. I also don’t want my kids looking at me laying there dead. I want to be cremated.
That's a good point. Things are different now a days and I can see why they did it in the past... there was no one to whisk the body away.
My mother in-love’s death was the first and only death I experienced in a home. She was weak and wasn’t doing well and was taken to the hospital where she was diagnosed with stomach cancer. She didn’t want any treatment because they told her it might prolong her life 6mths. She told the doctor God gave her a good life and she wanted to go home to be with her family. For two weeks my husband, two small girls, and I stayed at my in-laws house so my husband could be with his parents and 3 siblings all taking turns to help care for mom. We never kept our kids from the whole process. We were explained by hospice each sign and step of the death process. It was hard and sad, but it was the most beautiful death I experienced. She was surrounded by her children and grandchildren up until her passing. We all laughed, cried, sang, and prayed with her. I wasn’t in the room when she took her last breath. I had walked out to tend to the kitchen and my children. My husband and his siblings and father were in there. We had just all been saying our good byes after singing . One of our church pastors had also come out to be with everyone. It wasn’t until my father in-love knelt beside the bed, placed her hand on his head, land say his goodbye and told her it was alright to go that afterwards she took her last breath. My husband, who was very close mom and who, was the youngest, whom she chose to go against doctors advice and abort him, putting her own life at risk, was at her head and heard her take her last breath. Her skin was cream color and she looked so radiant and at peace. It was late at night probably in the early am, and the younger grand babies were asleep. The person who picks up the dead from the mortuary came out around 2ish am and prepared to roll her away and into the Hearst. He didn’t drape or cover her and allowed us to do a good bye procession out to the Hearst as he placed her into the back. He didn’t cover her still(zip her body bag up with her and the sheets inside) until he left around the corner when he stopped and got out and did it as he was further away from us. My little girls didn’t see grandma leave. The next day they woke up and walked their little selves down the long hallway into grandma and grand room grumbling and sad that grandma was gone, but when they reached her side of the bed and saw her body gone and the bed made, they gleamed with joy and said in a loud excited questioning voices,”Grandma went to heaven with Jesus?!”
They were 2 and 3 years old and grasped the concept of Jesus’ death and resurrection and our own resurrection in death and to be with Him. They were no longer upset. We didn’t let them go to the viewing or the celebration of life and burial because I wanted them to keep the understanding they had without the confusion of the body still present without the spirit and know the truth about the spirit and soul. Plus I didn’t want them to see her that way but remember her alive and the peaceful look when she passed.Grandma’s gravesite was Know as Grandma’s garden and when they got a little older we let them know what happens when a someone dies and that the body dies but the spirit and soul doesn’t. They had very great understanding. At the viewing, an Aunt took pictures of my mother in-love in her casket with her makeup and everything and also of all of us next to her. I kept the copy and shoes it to the kids as they got older. I personally would have rather not had a viewing because I wanted to remember her last when she first passed and the beauty she had. She didn’t looks the same after her hair and makeup was done when she was lying there on the casket. It’s different to see someone in the home than after being refrigerated and prepare in that way.thats just my preference. I think it stemmed back when I went to my first funeral at 4 or 5, and I followed my mom up to the open casket and kissed the forehead of my great grand step father because my mom and all the family were doing it. He was very cold to the touch and hard and he didn’t look right. Also, my grandmother didn’t look right from
When she first passed in the hospital to when we seen her in a wooden box at the crematory. I’m so glad my children’s first experience of death was twhen my Mother-in love passed.
We did record memories of her during that 2 week time on hospice as well.
My father fought so hard to live. He and my mother were sweethearts. They were married 66 years. As a kid I recall them dancing in the kitchen now and then…, they had goofy smiles on their faces. Dad would hum or sing as they danced. They also went on dates together once a month or so… we were never invited. Their relationship wasn’t always a bed of roses but they worked hard to keep their affection and respect for one another fresh and sparkling. My father died ten years ago. Of course mother misses him. He came for her once, but just before they touched, mother said he turned around as if someone called to him and he vanished. Though she feels his presence, he has not reappeared. The other day, out of the blue, she told me that when he comes again, she intends to go with him. We drove in silence until we got home.
My dad passed away last year. Suddenly, we followed family tradition, and my friend, our local vicker, contacted the funeral company, and we had dad home in his coffin for 5 days all curtains drawn in respect and friends and family came to pay their respect, the community really pulled together around us and all the locals came to the funeral for support and respect
Also, I have a cutting of my dads hair in a little bag to remember him by
Wow!!! Bringing up the black wreath jogged my memory!! I think the funeral home did that to my granny's front door when my mommy died in 1969!! I had buried THAT memory!!!
Thanks Nurse Julie ❤
Julie I just love your videos! Thank you so much for all you share with us. I remember in college I was so thankful 30 years ago for a class on Dimensions of death and dying. And as you could imagine, there were not a lot of people! I have a question for you. Does music play a role for you in your patients’ home? I know when my grandma was passing away, she was already unconscious this point, that when I turned on her favorite Perry Como tape, the whole entire energy in the room changed dramatically!! Wow! It was like we had opened the windows. It was a beautiful experience. I’d love to hear you thoughts on having soft music playing for those who are actively dying. Thank you!😊
My mother was a classical pianist. For the months she was bedridden before her death, the radio was on the classical station every day. I could see her eyes move back and forth as she listened and took in the details of the music she had loved. It was playing when she died softly in the background.
My uncle died in 1948 and I recall as a very young boy that he was "laid out" in a casket right in the living room. People came and went for 2 days and after that he was buried.
According to my mother this was essentially how it was done prior to the 1950's. It was the last "funeral" to be held inside the home for our family. Even my grandparents had a viewing in the funeral home.
One of the strangest things I witnessed was my grandmother on the other side of the family take multiple pictures of my grandfather in his casket. Then, when the pictures were developed, she sent copies to multiple family members. I recall my mom kind of recoiling when she opened up the letter containing the picture. She said to my father and then to me, do you want this? We both said NO. She chucked it.
I’m from Oklahoma and we are still largely Native American and still have home funerals in our small communities. I still remember when I was little my grandfather laying in the living room for days and the whole family being there and when I say whole family I mean like 50-60 people camped out on blankets in the house on the porch in the yard. I was like 4 years old and remember this so vividly. I’m 61 now. We ate our food setting right on the floor in front of him and laughed and played just like He was still there. I don’t remember anyone being sad. Then we went to the church and walked behind him to the cemetery. It’s not done as often but there are still some done still in our rural areas with the last elders left.
I can remember as a child the open coffin of my grandmother in the house I didn't like that also all the curtains in the house were drawn closed I found that so depressing shutting god's daylight out the curtains would be closed for a week,I'm so glad no one follows those practices now it's so outdated.
I’m old enough to remember people being waked in their homes. Most older houses have wake rooms specifically for this purpose. When I was a kid one of my childhood friends was hit by a car n passed. She had an identical twin. It was extremely hard on her. I can’t imagine being that age n seeing your identical twin deceased. We were all friends. I remember going to the house to pay my respects alone. I was about 7 or 8. It was more personal than a funeral home. That tradition was on it’s way out then. It wasn’t common but definitely not unheard of.
A question. When the "wake room" wasn't used for a wake, was it used for something else? Was it just a small room for a laying out? Was the corpse left alone in the room?
@@alexstokowsky6360 , I’ve seen pictures of back when they were used instead of a funeral home and they were set up as a sitting room.
When I moved into an apartment there was one in the front of the place off the living room. It’s an odd size n shape for a small bedroom. I asked the landlord about it out of curiosity n he told me what it was. I wasn’t sure if I believed him so I researched it. I was surprised n realized I had seen these rooms before in other homes. It’s just that nobody uses them for waking people anymore. The childhood friend who passed wasn’t in one of those rooms because their house was newer n there was no waking room.
There’s always someone there with the deceased one. Her Mother didn’t leave her until the funeral. Her twin stayed as well. The family understood how hard it was for her. I’m sure there were other family members that stayed with her while they ate, showered, etc, so she wasn’t left alone. It was customary that they aren’t left alone during that time.
My mom was in the e d of life time. She hadn't spoke to anyone at all. She had all the end of life stages. She woke up,sat JP and said Don't worry Leland, I'm coming. Momentelater, she passed. We were with us and going to heaven with her baby brother who she rIsed! I believe she saw him and he was with her!
My whole life I have witnessed extended family and friends coming to basically say goodbye to the person, and being there for the immediate family in any way that they could possibly need. they were never alone. ❤️
In our family and community, the church the person is associated with will send flowers or a throw to the funeral home. They will go to the visitation/funeral and then provide a meal at the church if the family would like to have one. If they don't do a meal, then we usually take food to the house for them to have for those days between the death and the funeral. We also try to send food home with them after the post-funeral meal so that they don't have to cook for a few days. I wish we still had a tradition of a black band around the sleeve. I think it was a subtle sign that allowed even strangers to realize that the person might need a little more grace and help without the bereaved person having to explain it over and over.
You are Awesome. What a great education you are giving society.Thank you.They say Irish and Newfoundland wakes was where real celebrations of life happened..I heard many stories.
Thank you for all of the wonderful information. I work in internal medicine and watching your videos has help me speak with families and help them understand what hospice is.
What a great topic. I think it's important for us to normalize death and dying. Thank you for bringing awareness to something we will all experience!
I like the flowers at the door put out in my area. Not crazy about roadside memorials. The day before my sister went into the ER with sepsis during chemo, a 17 year old boy hydroplaned at the end of my driveway and was killed. I knew sonething was was wrong when I reached out to my sister with this shocking and sad event and she didn't respond. Eight days later, she died. I dont mean disrespect to the boy's family who put a roadside memorial there at the end of the drive across the street, but that was in 2013 and every day I leave my home I'm reminded of the sequence of events which might sound self centered, but the family of the boy has focused on their other children hopefully, but the day is brought back to me daily. No offense. I didn't put up a memorial at the hospital where she died.
I watched my dad pass at t Home ,i didnt see mom pass but i was in the house, God bless you!
Back in the day photography was expensive so they took that photograph not only as a memorial but as a family picture.
Great video, I’m familiar with the entire community coming to pay their respects to the deceased for one last time, and have seen that happen in my own family. One thing about hospice as an inpatient v home care, there are people who live alone who really need inpatient hospice care.
Another reason for inpatient care is that it can ease the stress on both the carer and the patient to be able to have a break away for a few hours, or where there are young children in the family who also need a lot of attention etc.
I have heard people say they feel more ‘safe’ in the hospice setting where sudden distressing symptoms can be dealt with quickly.
We were at our local hospice house for 5 days. I live in a very small house, so it was wonderful for so many to come visit. Mom got great care. 5 days is all Medicare pays for, so she was home for the last 4 days. She got home, smiled and reached towards her beloved cat, Cali Jo and fell asleep. She didn't seem to be aware of much after that. I feel she knew she was home and she was content. Cali Jo never left her side except to eat and use the litter box until I had to remove her for the funeral directors .
I think we have the attitude that we outsource death to hospitals etc. we distanced ourselves to ignore it.
My grandma passed away last November 28 and I like the way you explained in the simplest way especially for us who doesn't have any background with medical terms. Im still grieving that it came to a point that after her funeral Im crying everyday 😢 I missed my grandma and she passed away due to stage 4 breast cancer at the age of 100 years old.
This was totally fascinating. I liked the black curtain or wreath idea for identifying a family mourning the loss. The family pics with the dead one was a little over the top for me. The hair jewelry or pics I have seen before in museums. Too creepy for me.
Back in that time, photography was very expensive. So I'm guessing that it was probably saved for weddings and funerals. Imagine not being able to have any sort of picture of your loved one. I think it's totally reasonable for them to have done so.
Please send good wishes as my dear husband and I navigate his now month 14 with Glioblastoma and his decline. Im disagreeing with their belief that I cannot manage at home but when I see your video I feel re invigorated to care for my beloved at home. We have so many privileges and I can love and care for him. May not be perfect but Im a nurse and can do this. Hugs.
Only stumbled this video 10 months later, but i came across your channel in march as my now dearly departed grandad was in home hospice care that month before he died on the 30th of march 💔 but i kept his thumb print at back of my phone showing so i can see him everyday and rejoice the memories i had with him for the 30 years of my life till he departed and hes now with his wife now aka my grandmother 👵 😢❤ but going to your showed pictures when i first saw that pic of that young girl i was creeped out but now underdtanding the traditions back them its so cute 😢
People have turned to cremation as traditional funerals with burial have become so much more expensive. I remember in the 1950s seeing funeral processions on the way to the cemetery with many cars following. Nowadays I never see the processions and the motorcycle escorts with Police officers to guide them nonstop to the cemeteries. When I was growing up I attended many funerals and burials, but nowadays absolutely none. It seems to me most of the younger generation has never seen a deceased relative or friend. With the rise in cremations without memorial services it has changed the attitudes and customs that use to show respect to family that is in mourning.
I'd like to see natural burial permitted in every state and allow families to bathe and dress the deceased if they wish. Being legally required to farm the whole event out to funeral homes,.and requiring embalming and grave liners which people can't afford....that stinks.
As long the embalming process is required at the National level I don’t believe it can be forced on you. Embalming before the cremation makes absolutely no sense. The funeral homes are out to get people to pay extra anyway they can.
I think there's something missed cathartically if the body is whisked away so it's almost denied.
Not every cemetery requires embalming or a cement vault. My husband nor I wanted either one. He passed a few weeks ago and our wishes were met. We had to look around at several cemeteries until we found the right one for us.
Before my mom died, our hospice nurse told us we could wait as long as wanted to call in the death. She said too many call it in immediately and then later wished they could have had more time with their loved one. I’m so thankful she told us that!
Taking care of your loved ones in your home for the most part is allowed. Home funerals are becoming more common again.
I nursed my husband for weeks while he was dying. It was 24 hours a day 7 says a week and was totally exhausting physically and emotionally.
Caring for a loved one without help is horrific. Dying at home isnt always the best option for the carer. The carer can only do so much alone.
I live in very rural upper peninsula of Michigan. The cemetery near my home is very interesting. The Graves are very reflective of the area. What really caught my eye is that quite a few Graves have benches and chairs for sitting at the grave site as well pictures etc.
My grandmother told the story about the death of a sister. This was in the early 1900’s in the Canadian Prairie the baby girl died and it was winter, everything was frozen so they could not bury her nor could they have a minister preside …. they wrapped 8:15 her and put the baby in a dry well until Spring when they could bury her and have the minister come by. At the time they brought her up from the well all the kids (siblings) wanted to see the baby and they unwrapped her and she was perfectly in tact…her body had been frozen. It was a sweet gesture for kids and parents to know death wasn’t gruesome just something that just is part of how life goes.
Thank you for sharing these facts/views points of yesterday and paying it forward. The black ribbon stands out. What a gentle way expressing death has enter the home . Thus, the door was / is open to support the grieving family during this dark moment. No spoken words need to be spoken at this difficult moment.
Someone commented on opening the window to release the spirit of one's soul is comforting 🕊.
Death is apart of the circle of life . May love continue flowing in the lives of the living ❤
It still happends in Papua New Guinea; when my mum's sister was dying, her family and extended family came together to take care of her. My other aunties would feed and bathe my mum's sister and people all over the village would come and give food, help out with the house duties, and just generally be around to help and comfort my aunty and her family in her final moments. After my aunty passed, the extended family and people in the vilage still hung around to help for a while and until my aunty's family are okay enough to carry on. Because PNG is still a developing nation, the notion of family and village culture is still strong within the people's minds and hearts, plus there is a strong belief in the afterlife and consideration for all those that have passed on before us.
These photos are called Momento Mori, (latin for 'Remember that you (will) die, I think). Pretty common practice back in the 19th century but it isn't done as a formal practice any longer. They always strike me as so terribly sad but they took photos of everyone from dogs and cats to all members of the family. It was a strange tribute but it was all they had to remember what their loved ones looked like. The kid sitting in the chair looks like Jake Harper in Two and a Half Men.
In my home town they still hang a huge purple wreath/ bow type of thing on the door to express a death of some one that lived there.
Very fascinating. I wish those old traditions still existed. They dealt with death in a much healthier way than we do now.
I love the mourning wreath. What a beautiful idea!
I'm writing a story about twin's being seperated at birth. (One of the twins is in hospital, the other twin only finds out recently.) Twin in hospital is slowly dying. When she does die, the living twin cuddles her dead twin. Even taking a "selfie" with her dead twin. Learning it happened in the past is amazing for me.
Good history lesson for us Julie. Thank you!
My family doesn’t talk about death. Some sort it taboo. Thanks for your sharing, I am learning so much 💕
When my dad died I went to taco bell. I was hungry. When done I drove around numb in circles then went home. My mom I kissed her eyes closed. Told her to come back in spirit when it's my time. I admit I lost it losingy mom.
Very sweet. Thank you Julie!
Hi Julie
I think it is great ,when the community is alerted about a grieving.
Please repeat the info regarding the class you took regarding connecting with your higher self.
Thank you.
Hanna in OC CA.
You know, it´s so easy to like you Julie! Thanks for posting these videos. I don´t miss them.
My brother died at age 40 and devastated our family. My dad took a picture and never told my mom. One day years later she went through the thumb drive from the camera. Well…the last picture was of my brother in the casket, my mom almost fell out her chair. My dad remembers funerals in homes and was brought up strict Catholic and they took pictures. Anyways, my mom and brother are finally together. I miss them so much.
I have a picture of my grandmother as a child with her brother and their dead sister in a stroller.
I took a picture of both my parents in their caskets. I'm not even sure why, but I look at them from time to time.