I tend to smack my thighs really freaking hard several times during a meltdown. I smack the walls, floor or any hard surface nearby too. I also pick my skin but that's nearly all of the time.
There is a book called Butterfly in the Water that you might like to read. It is about five people with autism lost in the wilderness after a plane crash. They are with this weird pilot and two teachers. They have to try and rescue themselves. It is an action adventure story with fate, destiny, humour, romance and tragedy. They become heroes in a way and I like that.
i relate TOO much. to be honest I've never felt like my selfharm is meant to harm me- it is helping me instead. I don't do it out of hate, I do it to sooth myself, when there is nothing else that helps. I slap my face, hit my body, but also cut myself or vomit. and all of that to release the pressure.
What you are describing is a stim during your meltdown state, and your brain only knows at that specific moment to exert this new found energy through physical means. It is good that your therapists are telling you to keep an eye on it, self awareness is important since most times an aspie can be stuck in a thought loop (perseveration) and just tunnel vision. You hit on key points, which is pressure and getting physical. Have you thought about trying to hug someone or something really tight, and just hold onto it for dear life, or maybe punch a soft chair/sofa, bed sheets, etc...? You're more than welcome to message me directly at anytime if you need an aspie to talk to.
I totally understand this. I had a meltdown yesterday and in addition to increased skin picking I scratched the hell out of my arm. The meltdowns have been getting worse lately with increased stressors.
I hit my face/head with my hand as hard as I can. It happens about once a month, because when I'm around certain people I will have a shutdown instead. My therapist doesn't seem to be able to help me either. But I hate that there is sometimes no other way to feel better and I hate the effect shutting down has on my mood, when I am not "allowed" to hit myself. It is such a struggle and I've also started biting my fingers really hard with my teeth to avoid the hitting from happening in public places. I hope we can all come together on here and at least make each other feel less alone in this, even if there seems to be no solution. Lots of love to you all! x
I broke my hand slamming my fist on a hardwood floor during a meltdown. at age 24! everyone was so surprised because I seem "put together" from the outside. I will say that the "need" for the pain is reinforced by hurting yourself. I have felt better by thinking of the urge as a separate entity from me, and talking to it. once my partner talked to "it" and asked it not to hurt me and I was SHOCKED to find that helped. another thing that has sometimes worked is sprinting down the street until I'm exhausted. but I still sometimes hurt myself, and have for most of my life. I don't have a solution, but I might suggest minimizing the potential damage you might be doing-- for example I scratch my skin, which heals quickly even if it bleeds, and doesn't scar. but slamming into a wall might hurt your joints :( good luck out there.
I have just discovered your channel after literally searching for anything on self-injurious meltdowns and I'm so grateful for this video to know other people share my experience. Thank you.
One thing I found to get the energy out is grabbing a big towel and hit and whip a bathtub, a corner of a wall or something hard that I know won’t broke... it’s very relieving, gets the energy out, doesn’t make too much sound or damage (god knows how many doors or walls I used to break during my meltdowns...!!! Hahahaha)... it prevents me from hurting myself also... so usually, when I see myself bitting my own body, I try and run and grab a towel and do this... it really helps me get that stormy energy out while reducing the damages in the house or on my own body... thanks again for your very interesting content 💖 love from France (if you remember, we had that talk about our late diagnosis on Instagram about a month or two ago, got my diagnosis this year, at 32 years old. By the way, I’m gonna answer to your last message, it’s just that the burnout I’m having isn’t helping me with texting back 😅)
This is exactly what I was going to say - having struggled with meltdowns and shutdowns all my life but being undiagnosed (now self-diagnosed) so not understanding why, the towel solution is the best I’ve come up with too. It hurts no-one, breaks nothing, yet feels intensely powerful in the moment, really gets all the bad feelings out.
The best thing is to make it productive like a punching bag or workout. But I feel you I workout hard and still want to smash my face in a wall when I’m in meltdown mode.
I can relate to you so much on just about everything. During my meltdowns I have to destroy the object that made me angry or have to hurt myself to feel relief. Ive took so many game controllers and smashed them into the ground and then kept hitting the ground with my knuckles, I don't want to hurt myself either.
I totally relate. I bang my arms against a hard surface or slap the floor, bite, and squeeze. What I’ve been trying to stop is punching and slapping my head and face. Mostly the hitting my head/face is from shame of having a meltdown. I think what you’re saying about the intake and outlet is true- i need the sensory input of pain or pressure and pillows or pads don’t provide that sensory feedback. I feel bad about the self hatred part because i don’t want to treat myself worse than i would treat others so i’ve been trying to focus on the pressure of arms hitting floors, biting my chewigem products, squeezing myself and gripping things like towels. also reminding myself that meltdowns are normal because i’m fucking autistic and i can’t handle my emotions sometimes and being patient with myself for that. i also tell my therapist if i hurt myself so i hold myself accountable for treating myself poorly. I’m super embarrassed of my meltdowns and can quickly spiral into self hatred and wanting to hit or punch my face as like a punishment but the more i’ve been focusing on treating myself well and being patient with myself during a meltdown and allowing myself the space to have them the more i can focus on my own safety. When i was a kid i would destroy my stuff and did that well into my 20s. But after destroying some stuff i really liked i started focusing on pressure and squeezing to kind of contain that outburst and i haven’t destroyed something in about 10 years. since i made progress on that i have hope i will continue to make progress in the self harm area. Longest reply ever, hope you made it through :)
Of course I did! I loved reading it and I'm so glad you took the time out to comment. It's always so nice to hear other people's experiences-especially when they're so relatable
I struggle with this too. I used to cut my thighs but thankfully I managed to stop doing that. But now hitting myself with my hand to my head has replaced that. Its better than cuttig but still not a healthy thing in my opinion. As soon as my boyfriend sees me doing that he rushes over and holds me so thight I cant hurt myself anymore. And that helps me a lot. So i think pressure stuff is a really good thing to help your self harming.
yeah! I struggle with this too! Even just reading these first 3 comments is a huge relief. I have been diagnosed with just about every mental illness associated with autism. As I've been doing research, learning about other peoples experience, it all makes so much sense!! A couple of months ago I got over my fear and finally asked my psychiatrist for a referral to the autism & developmental disability department with that hospital. So just a few days ago I had an appointment, if you could even call it that. Due to current situations, I cannot go to the appointment- it was just over video call. And this guy, who I was hopeful about, seems to have the "boy autism" view or looks for all the stereotypical things. does that make sense? Well, any ways, within 40 minutes on a phone call of him asking all the basic questions he concluded that my sensory issues are "just a symptom of my anxiety and needed no further evaluation. I've been processing if it's even worth advocating for myself. people who say they care about me most say I just want another label. anyways, thank you for reading. I find your videos helpful and comforting. xoxo Claire
I throw shit. seems to help with the "release" but afterwards, I see that I was in a completely wrong frame of mind, an unrealistic and non-"me" frame of mind. I think you should analyze your thought process afterwards - after the episode I mean. It helps; there's a certain acceptance of these "manic" episodes that comes with that. You realize it's still not "OK," but that you have to do it. And by realizing you "have to" do it it sort of lessens the urge. Not completely, but it helps you rationalize, which is, I think, the whole point.
@@Tqueenboss1 yeah sometimes its hard to control what you pick up. sometimes i knock my hands so hard together i feel like i could break my own hand. sometimes it still hurts the next day but i know im not gonna stop doing it lol.
Yeah I used to do that when i was younger. I was shamed for it a lot so now I feel like I have to stop myself but yeah the idea of creating a sensory feeling that is stronger than whatever else youre feeling i think is a totally normal response to a sensory meltdown. Its so brave of you to have the meltdowns you feel like you need to have
I’ve had it from a little kid and still now at 31. Beat myself up, pull my hair out, hit my head to hard object. I can’t help it. lots of depression and suicidal thoughts. Died at 19 and was revived by ambulance from suicide. I loose control during meltdowns.
I some times slap my face or hit my counter top with my hands I also had the whorst melt downs when I was so young like when I was I say around 5-7 I would always hit my head on the floor or the walls everybody thought I was just being a bratty little kid until my parents took me to a doctor and I was finally confirmed to be autistic
Hi! (Warning, I'm a mercury in Gemini so this is sooo fucking long.) So, I'm not on the spectrum, but I do work with children with autism as a therapist, and I'm also very familiar with my own sensory needs from anxiety and ADHD. I want to be very, very clear that what I’m saying doesn’t come from a first-hand perspective as a person with autism, though I have a lot of experience talking to and working with autism, I don't at all know what it's like to exist in an autistic body or with an autistic brain. *However* I relate so much with the inner restlessness, that crying and screaming doesn’t always cut it for relief. And I find it so cool that you have so much language for your sensory needs and wants, and also gahhh isn’t it so frustrating to have all that language and introspection and be so *smart* and still not have *the solution* to feeling better??? (At least, that’s how I feel so often.) All that being said, I come from a philosophy of consent culture and individual sovereignty: meaning, if you say this is the best way to get through your meltdowns, oh my gosh I believe you, and it’s so cool that you have this strategy to meet your needs (and if someday, you feel like “wow that sucked that I did that to myself and now i’m aware of the root of it and aware of this other behavior I can choose instead that feels equally as relieving to me!” AMAZING. And if that moment never comes, I think that’s ok too.) When you were mentioning bruises, and the idea of if it’s morally “okay” to do it, if it ends up harming you, I’m reminded of bdsm/kink philosophy….. I don’t know much at all about it, but it seems like something maybe worth looking into, if it sparks your interest? I just notice an interesting overlap within the questin of “is it ok to harm someone/myself if I have their/my own consent, and it gives pleasure, or at least relief??” One thing that's also helped me get some peace around my own anxiety coping mechanisms, is to realize that we're probably always going to do things that "harm" us in some respect (i.e. eating foods that are not 100% puuuure and nourishing, or drinking alcohol, etc.) and we're taught to have a very black and white view about *never* doing harm and minimizing all self-harm as much as possible, but that's actually just maybe not true to human experience in this current world, at all. It’s such a big fucking philosophical question with a ton of avenues of possible exploration, and not to be super cheesy or to diminish the intensity of your experience at all, but I just think all your self awareness around this is so stinking cool, and I’m cheering on your process, even if that “process” is just saying “ok this is my way of coping and that’s ok and sometimes maybe i’ll still feel weird/guilt about it and THAT is ok too.” ♥️♥️♥️
Wow, this comment was super insightful and understanding. Thank you so much for typing all this out, a really nice perspective and it makes me feel a lot better!!
@@runawaygerm seems like you understand my issues because I have borderline personality disorder bipolar to PTSD generalized anxiety disorder major depressive disorder and dissociative identity disorder and I’m getting tested this July for autism because I am currently self diagnosing with that I’ve been in the hospital numerous times for self harm and suicidal attempts mostly it’s all self harm but everybody wanted me in the hospital just to keep me safe when while being in there has always been worse for me because of the noise the lights that are fluorescent and everything but I did enjoy the routine of each day and I did hate the crowd of people to her iPhone table that was the furthest away from everybody in the common area to sit out to sit out every day or I would just stay in my room in my bed doing nothing but I always had a sitter around me all the time because last time I was in the hospital and that was almost a year ago for three weeks I was hitting my head on the wall I was doing a lot more scratching all the way to at least two layers of skin and I had actually made myself bleed not proud of any of it but I did what I had to when I was so overloaded with everything at once to try and stop the pain and then sometimes I did things just to actually feel anything at all plus I was in restraints in the emergency room because I completely lost it and I was trying to hurt myself again and then when I was up in the psychiatric ward they had to restrain me and literally give me an injection to get me to sleep and relax which still did not help so that’s my life of what I’ve had to go through so far when I was a kid I was just to myself I could go everything but the message should be way too long
I try my hardest not to do it in front of people. I don't want them to freak out too much. I keep everything bottled as much as I can and try to calmly try to find a place to be alone. or I discretely use my nails
I never was comfortable of the idea to cutting as well even when I thought about it. might because I was very picky about what type of pain I needed. So I would scratch, dig my bitten finger nails into my skil untill they leave a mini impression, smacking myself, letting myself get beat up, attacking the pillow, etc. Hell I got so used to pain from falling off bikes. a lot of the times I was in high school and jr high when most of that pain would occur. Sometimes I still beat up my bed or something soft to like I guess cope with emotions but most times nowadays I substitute the pain with music.
i dont have any direct harm things that i can think of. my mom always says im stubborn and stuck in my ways and she admires it while also being overly frustrated with it. but one thing that came to mind was, (i play alot of video games) when i play a game and i dont like something about it, or think a part is just simply unfun i dont do it. for instance if a game has some character with special abilities, but those abilities dont feel good or take something else away i just wont use them. or if one part of a game teleports you to something to make it easier, i go all the way back and do it again because "i didnt ask to skip things so dont make me".
I hit my hand against my head. By society eyes it's never ok to self harm of course so for me I have some social concerns about feeling like doing it in front of others and that would cause me a lot of stress if I ever did self harm in front of others. My main concern would be by letting yourself self harm this way might cause a incident where you take the self harm too far and seriously hurt yourself. When I do it there's almost a sense of losing control so although it's not hurting us right now there could be a time where we take it too far. Since we gravitate towards self harming this way I think the pent up energy could be channeled in very healthy ways. For example maybe like some boxing or something along these lines might be really helpful, to learn maybe safer ways to still feel that pain that gives a sense of relief but in a way that's more safe and less impulsive if that makes sense. Also I love your videos thank you so much for your content.
Currently awaiting my autism screening which seems to be making me super anxious and making my meltdowns more frequent and more harmful. When I'm having a meltdown it makes me want to chew things and I often end up chewing my hand to the point where it is bleeding. I'm not sure about what my meltdowns were like as a child as I've not spoken to my mum about this yet and I also have a terrible memory but remember having a lot of meltdowns as a child - sorry for the ramble
It helps me settle down. And I've had my meltdown moments, VERY very similar to yours. Don't feel ashamed, just do the best you can for yourself. It's important to remember that self harm like screaming at the top of your lungs can tear your vocal chords, head injuries can lead to extreme medical situations, slapping your hand wrong could break it. It is serious, and I wish I could say I have it all figured out.. I don't. I still thrash, yell, and cry alot... I just do my personal best to control myself so as not to harm myself terribly, harm my relationships, or harm my things.. I think the older you get, the ever so slightly easier it can get, if you can somehow be lucky enough to stumble across your own personal solutions to destress.... Meltdowns are for me a stress response (sensory and emotional), so I do as quickly as I can what I know I need in that moment (go in my room in the complete darkness, lay in bed- in the fetal position- orrrr maybe run to a bathroom stall to try to gather myself before announcing: I need to leave immediately). I love your channel, you're an awesome person, I wish you the best. You aren't alone.
This have made me really look at myself because I can relate in ways and I believe I’m on the spectrum of autism and maybe Tourette syndrome as well bc I make this beeping noise at times and like kind of in a vibrating jerking way my head making strange faces. Someone mention do I have that but I just like played it off and I ignore it bc I felt like I was slow and I’m far from that and I didn’t want nobody looking at me in a negative way. I’m actually very intelligent I just sometimes don’t get certain phrases or etc that some ppl say. I also was really quiet when I was in elementary school and hardly talk until I got like mid high school. Now I can talk ppl head off if given the chance lol. But I still don’t like being around large crowds a lot bc I get nervous and sometimes feel I look awkward to others which I have been told on several occasions “why I look like this” “why I’m looking sad” which I be perfectly fine. “Why I’m not talking to others” that question there I be wanting to say “bc I don’t dang want to”. But I can be at a gathering with a lot of ppl sitting completely by myself and be completely fine. It’s like most ppl don’t get that and they think that’s weird which to me is unfair that me or other ppl that can relate to me get judge based on society! Thanks for this video. I don’t know for sure if I have APD OR ASD but I do believe I’m on the spectrum.
I repeatedly hit my head during meltdowns or even shutdowns. Sometimes when I get too drunk I beat myself up real bad. Since I was young I always needed to hurt myself when something was unpleasant. Such as, an unpleasant sound. I would need to do anything, scratch myself, dig my nails into myself, or the classic Rubber Band just to feel better. I’m pretty sure my jaw problems are from clenching my jaw as tight as I possibly could to avoid hurting myself, but it was never enough...
I've actually been looking for information of autism and VERBAL self abuse, but so far I haven't had much luck. What this looks like in me is palilalia and verbal stimming, but while most people describe these behaviors as pleasurable and comforting/self-soothing, mine are more often abusive ( exp. "no one likes you," "no one loves you," "kill yourself"). I wonder if this can be considered another type of autism related self harm/meltdown? It happens mostly when I'm alone (or sometimes with my partner, though to a lesser extent and quieter usually), and when my mind is drifting and happens on negative or embarrassing memories or thoughts. I do get neutral and happy palilalia and verbal stimming too sometimes, but more often when I'm happy my stims are more physical like skipping, running, or jumping around. I do find *those* pleasurable, but I wish there was more advice on how to stop my negative stims. Most advice on stimming is to embrace it, but my stims make me sad and I'm embarrassed someone will overhear me and think I'm verbally abusing someone else or otherwise, that I'm crazy. :( I do have a history of physical self-harm too, but that's been very rare since I've been an adult.
I'm 38 I've attempted suicide 16x after a meltdown I started cutting myself then took it to a higher level to destroy myself. I love myself but people & family upset me to point I feel to end it.
Self injurious stims arent something I’ve really struggled with personally. My stims are pretty harmless. My sister picks her skin a lot though. Her cuticles are starting to scar. I think the best way to go about those types of stims is to be okay with the ones that don’t cause Permanente harm
I used to head but doors but now I punch walls and run into walls as it releases impulse and refills through the pain. I play football at the weekend which releases all the emotional confusion that I have endured through the week. I only tend to cut myself when I have self hatred. I just do it until I stop because no body knows I do it.
Today at school some students were doing state testing which means that the schedule for the next few days were gonna be different (classes would be at different times and not the times they would usually be at and I do NOT do well with changes especially with time) and barely by 2nd period my body was already freaking out about my schedule being different and I went to the bathroom and had a meltdown and I noticed I was slightly banging my head against the stall door and it surprised me cause I was mindlessly doing it, but it helped a little. It’s hours later and I’m still recovering from the meltdown and I still feel so drained.
Well one thing I have done is I’ve actually because of my self harm and ended up in a psychiatric ward of the hospital for multiple days and weeks unfortunately while in there it still makes things worse because of my sensory input problems called a sensory processing disorder which my therapist thinks I may have now and usually I will dig my nails into my skin until I actually break through layers of the skin and I have actually put my head into the wall when I was in the hospital and I have been trying to find ways of dealing with my own issues but I really haven’t found very many if any at all I even have been put in the hospital for suicidal thoughts and ideation‘s and suicidal attempts and I know I am self diagnosing with autism and I have at least gone almost a year without ending up in the hospital and now the nurse at the clinic that I go to even knows that me being in the hospital is probably the worst thing that could ever happen but I have to watch what I say and how I feel in front of my therapist and psychiatrist because there were usually end up putting me in the hospital and I’m getting professionally tested for autism in July and I have so many emotional issues that go on constantly and I’ve had meltdowns I’ve had at least one shut down and I’ve even gone for a moment of not being able to speak and having all emotions and everything hitting me all at once and then now recently within the last day or so I’ve been at the point where I could not feel anything and I was trying to figure out what to do to get myself to feel something and I finally got out of it but it took me a day so that’s my own problems and issues and I also have been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder bipolar to PTSD generalized anxiety disorder major depressive disorder and dissociative identity disorder so I don’t know how to help you on that one question why is because of all this that I deal with all the time and it drives me totally insane sometimes to where I just don’t wanna feel like it this anymore and I just wanted to all go away and stop
I found your concerne interesting, for myself I know i am dealing ( or avoid to deal) with some mental issues...I guess severe depression, dissociation etc, I didnt get a proper diagnose, I am just now of school and work because I cant...manage living. And I do self harm for a while now, its more of the ''classic'' cutting session it the blood that interest me i guess, so is it bad or good?...if i didnt to it I couldnt calm my self in an other way, So i guess for us its the only way... I often qestion myself but I dont know what I can do.if its not that I think about putting myself in danger, mostly with sexuality so it's better?
Hey, Ive heard from a few peole that jumping in a cold shower during a meltdown if you can is supposed to reset the nervous system and calm you down. And i guess really cold water can be painful so could be a way to get the pain input without the selfharm? Sorry youre therapists haven't been helpful. Don't be ashamed, it's very normal for autistic people, if you can avoid hurting yourself obviously that's better but we need some way to release all that internal energy. Perhaps a punching bag that is hard enough to create some pain but not as hard as a wall could be good?
I tend to smack my thighs really freaking hard several times during a meltdown. I smack the walls, floor or any hard surface nearby too. I also pick my skin but that's nearly all of the time.
HatfulOfH0LL0W same!!! I punch my thighs like crazy, and my head... and then I’m covered with bruises and shame... :-(
Needing both sensory input and output during a meltdown is something I've never specifically considered but I super relate to that
There is a book called Butterfly in the Water that you might like to read. It is about five people with autism lost in the wilderness after a plane crash. They are with this weird pilot and two teachers. They have to try and rescue themselves. It is an action adventure story with fate, destiny, humour, romance and tragedy. They become heroes in a way and I like that.
i relate TOO much. to be honest I've never felt like my selfharm is meant to harm me- it is helping me instead. I don't do it out of hate, I do it to sooth myself, when there is nothing else that helps. I slap my face, hit my body, but also cut myself or vomit. and all of that to release the pressure.
What you are describing is a stim during your meltdown state, and your brain only knows at that specific moment to exert this new found energy through physical means. It is good that your therapists are telling you to keep an eye on it, self awareness is important since most times an aspie can be stuck in a thought loop (perseveration) and just tunnel vision. You hit on key points, which is pressure and getting physical. Have you thought about trying to hug someone or something really tight, and just hold onto it for dear life, or maybe punch a soft chair/sofa, bed sheets, etc...?
You're more than welcome to message me directly at anytime if you need an aspie to talk to.
I totally understand this. I had a meltdown yesterday and in addition to increased skin picking I scratched the hell out of my arm. The meltdowns have been getting worse lately with increased stressors.
I hit my face/head with my hand as hard as I can. It happens about once a month, because when I'm around certain people I will have a shutdown instead. My therapist doesn't seem to be able to help me either. But I hate that there is sometimes no other way to feel better and I hate the effect shutting down has on my mood, when I am not "allowed" to hit myself. It is such a struggle and I've also started biting my fingers really hard with my teeth to avoid the hitting from happening in public places. I hope we can all come together on here and at least make each other feel less alone in this, even if there seems to be no solution. Lots of love to you all! x
Lots of love right back! Seems like we are going through extremely similar things and it's nice to hear your story
I broke my hand slamming my fist on a hardwood floor during a meltdown. at age 24! everyone was so surprised because I seem "put together" from the outside. I will say that the "need" for the pain is reinforced by hurting yourself. I have felt better by thinking of the urge as a separate entity from me, and talking to it. once my partner talked to "it" and asked it not to hurt me and I was SHOCKED to find that helped. another thing that has sometimes worked is sprinting down the street until I'm exhausted. but I still sometimes hurt myself, and have for most of my life. I don't have a solution, but I might suggest minimizing the potential damage you might be doing-- for example I scratch my skin, which heals quickly even if it bleeds, and doesn't scar. but slamming into a wall might hurt your joints :( good luck out there.
I have just discovered your channel after literally searching for anything on self-injurious meltdowns and I'm so grateful for this video to know other people share my experience. Thank you.
One thing I found to get the energy out is grabbing a big towel and hit and whip a bathtub, a corner of a wall or something hard that I know won’t broke... it’s very relieving, gets the energy out, doesn’t make too much sound or damage (god knows how many doors or walls I used to break during my meltdowns...!!! Hahahaha)... it prevents me from hurting myself also... so usually, when I see myself bitting my own body, I try and run and grab a towel and do this... it really helps me get that stormy energy out while reducing the damages in the house or on my own body... thanks again for your very interesting content 💖 love from France (if you remember, we had that talk about our late diagnosis on Instagram about a month or two ago, got my diagnosis this year, at 32 years old. By the way, I’m gonna answer to your last message, it’s just that the burnout I’m having isn’t helping me with texting back 😅)
This is exactly what I was going to say - having struggled with meltdowns and shutdowns all my life but being undiagnosed (now self-diagnosed) so not understanding why, the towel solution is the best I’ve come up with too. It hurts no-one, breaks nothing, yet feels intensely powerful in the moment, really gets all the bad feelings out.
thank you for sharing this
Had a meltdown yesterday, usually I'll make fists and knock my hands together really hard. My hands still hurt today.
The best thing is to make it productive like a punching bag or workout. But I feel you I workout hard and still want to smash my face in a wall when I’m in meltdown mode.
I can relate to you so much on just about everything. During my meltdowns I have to destroy the object that made me angry or have to hurt myself to feel relief. Ive took so many game controllers and smashed them into the ground and then kept hitting the ground with my knuckles, I don't want to hurt myself either.
I totally relate. I bang my arms against a hard surface or slap the floor, bite, and squeeze. What I’ve been trying to stop is punching and slapping my head and face. Mostly the hitting my head/face is from shame of having a meltdown.
I think what you’re saying about the intake and outlet is true- i need the sensory input of pain or pressure and pillows or pads don’t provide that sensory feedback. I feel bad about the self hatred part because i don’t want to treat myself worse than i would treat others so i’ve been trying to focus on the pressure of arms hitting floors, biting my chewigem products, squeezing myself and gripping things like towels. also reminding myself that meltdowns are normal because i’m fucking autistic and i can’t handle my emotions sometimes and being patient with myself for that.
i also tell my therapist if i hurt myself so i hold myself accountable for treating myself poorly. I’m super embarrassed of my meltdowns and can quickly spiral into self hatred and wanting to hit or punch my face as like a punishment but the more i’ve been focusing on treating myself well and being patient with myself during a meltdown and allowing myself the space to have them the more i can focus on my own safety.
When i was a kid i would destroy my stuff and did that well into my 20s. But after destroying some stuff i really liked i started focusing on pressure and squeezing to kind of contain that outburst and i haven’t destroyed something in about 10 years. since i made progress on that i have hope i will continue to make progress in the self harm area.
Longest reply ever, hope you made it through :)
Of course I did! I loved reading it and I'm so glad you took the time out to comment. It's always so nice to hear other people's experiences-especially when they're so relatable
I struggle with this too. I used to cut my thighs but thankfully I managed to stop doing that. But now hitting myself with my hand to my head has replaced that. Its better than cuttig but still not a healthy thing in my opinion.
As soon as my boyfriend sees me doing that he rushes over and holds me so thight I cant hurt myself anymore. And that helps me a lot. So i think pressure stuff is a really good thing to help your self harming.
yeah! I struggle with this too! Even just reading these first 3 comments is a huge relief. I have been diagnosed with just about every mental illness associated with autism. As I've been doing research, learning about other peoples experience, it all makes so much sense!! A couple of months ago I got over my fear and finally asked my psychiatrist for a referral to the autism & developmental disability department with that hospital. So just a few days ago I had an appointment, if you could even call it that. Due to current situations, I cannot go to the appointment- it was just over video call. And this guy, who I was hopeful about, seems to have the "boy autism" view or looks for all the stereotypical things. does that make sense? Well, any ways, within 40 minutes on a phone call of him asking all the basic questions he concluded that my sensory issues are "just a symptom of my anxiety and needed no further evaluation. I've been processing if it's even worth advocating for myself. people who say they care about me most say I just want another label. anyways, thank you for reading. I find your videos helpful and comforting. xoxo Claire
I throw shit. seems to help with the "release" but afterwards, I see that I was in a completely wrong frame of mind, an unrealistic and non-"me" frame of mind. I think you should analyze your thought process afterwards - after the episode I mean. It helps; there's a certain acceptance of these "manic" episodes that comes with that. You realize it's still not "OK," but that you have to do it. And by realizing you "have to" do it it sort of lessens the urge. Not completely, but it helps you rationalize, which is, I think, the whole point.
I throw things too, try to find things that are okay to throw, like a pillow, or a tissue box.
@@tajjie_taj I throw things too sometimes. Unfortunately, I'm more of a "hit everything including myself" meltdowner
@@Tqueenboss1 yeah sometimes its hard to control what you pick up. sometimes i knock my hands so hard together i feel like i could break my own hand. sometimes it still hurts the next day but i know im not gonna stop doing it lol.
Yeah I used to do that when i was younger. I was shamed for it a lot so now I feel like I have to stop myself but yeah the idea of creating a sensory feeling that is stronger than whatever else youre feeling i think is a totally normal response to a sensory meltdown. Its so brave of you to have the meltdowns you feel like you need to have
I’ve had it from a little kid and still now at 31. Beat myself up, pull my hair out, hit my head to hard object. I can’t help it. lots of depression and suicidal thoughts. Died at 19 and was revived by ambulance from suicide. I loose control during meltdowns.
I some times slap my face or hit my counter top with my hands
I also had the whorst melt downs when I was so young like when I was I say around 5-7 I would always hit my head on the floor or the walls everybody thought I was just being a bratty little kid until my parents took me to a doctor and I was finally confirmed to be autistic
Hi! (Warning, I'm a mercury in Gemini so this is sooo fucking long.)
So, I'm not on the spectrum, but I do work with children with autism as a therapist, and I'm also very familiar with my own sensory needs from anxiety and ADHD. I want to be very, very clear that what I’m saying doesn’t come from a first-hand perspective as a person with autism, though I have a lot of experience talking to and working with autism, I don't at all know what it's like to exist in an autistic body or with an autistic brain.
*However* I relate so much with the inner restlessness, that crying and screaming doesn’t always cut it for relief. And I find it so cool that you have so much language for your sensory needs and wants, and also gahhh isn’t it so frustrating to have all that language and introspection and be so *smart* and still not have *the solution* to feeling better??? (At least, that’s how I feel so often.)
All that being said, I come from a philosophy of consent culture and individual sovereignty: meaning, if you say this is the best way to get through your meltdowns, oh my gosh I believe you, and it’s so cool that you have this strategy to meet your needs (and if someday, you feel like “wow that sucked that I did that to myself and now i’m aware of the root of it and aware of this other behavior I can choose instead that feels equally as relieving to me!” AMAZING. And if that moment never comes, I think that’s ok too.)
When you were mentioning bruises, and the idea of if it’s morally “okay” to do it, if it ends up harming you, I’m reminded of bdsm/kink philosophy….. I don’t know much at all about it, but it seems like something maybe worth looking into, if it sparks your interest? I just notice an interesting overlap within the questin of “is it ok to harm someone/myself if I have their/my own consent, and it gives pleasure, or at least relief??”
One thing that's also helped me get some peace around my own anxiety coping mechanisms, is to realize that we're probably always going to do things that "harm" us in some respect (i.e. eating foods that are not 100% puuuure and nourishing, or drinking alcohol, etc.) and we're taught to have a very black and white view about *never* doing harm and minimizing all self-harm as much as possible, but that's actually just maybe not true to human experience in this current world, at all.
It’s such a big fucking philosophical question with a ton of avenues of possible exploration, and not to be super cheesy or to diminish the intensity of your experience at all, but I just think all your self awareness around this is so stinking cool, and I’m cheering on your process, even if that “process” is just saying “ok this is my way of coping and that’s ok and sometimes maybe i’ll still feel weird/guilt about it and THAT is ok too.” ♥️♥️♥️
Wow, this comment was super insightful and understanding. Thank you so much for typing all this out, a really nice perspective and it makes me feel a lot better!!
@@runawaygerm seems like you understand my issues because I have borderline personality disorder bipolar to PTSD generalized anxiety disorder major depressive disorder and dissociative identity disorder and I’m getting tested this July for autism because I am currently self diagnosing with that I’ve been in the hospital numerous times for self harm and suicidal attempts mostly it’s all self harm but everybody wanted me in the hospital just to keep me safe when while being in there has always been worse for me because of the noise the lights that are fluorescent and everything but I did enjoy the routine of each day and I did hate the crowd of people to her iPhone table that was the furthest away from everybody in the common area to sit out to sit out every day or I would just stay in my room in my bed doing nothing but I always had a sitter around me all the time because last time I was in the hospital and that was almost a year ago for three weeks I was hitting my head on the wall I was doing a lot more scratching all the way to at least two layers of skin and I had actually made myself bleed not proud of any of it but I did what I had to when I was so overloaded with everything at once to try and stop the pain and then sometimes I did things just to actually feel anything at all plus I was in restraints in the emergency room because I completely lost it and I was trying to hurt myself again and then when I was up in the psychiatric ward they had to restrain me and literally give me an injection to get me to sleep and relax which still did not help so that’s my life of what I’ve had to go through so far when I was a kid I was just to myself I could go everything but the message should be way too long
I try my hardest not to do it in front of people. I don't want them to freak out too much. I keep everything bottled as much as I can and try to calmly try to find a place to be alone. or I discretely use my nails
I never was comfortable of the idea to cutting as well even when I thought about it. might because I was very picky about what type of pain I needed. So I would scratch, dig my bitten finger nails into my skil untill they leave a mini impression, smacking myself, letting myself get beat up, attacking the pillow, etc. Hell I got so used to pain from falling off bikes. a lot of the times I was in high school and jr high when most of that pain would occur. Sometimes I still beat up my bed or something soft to like I guess cope with emotions but most times nowadays I substitute the pain with music.
i dont have any direct harm things that i can think of. my mom always says im stubborn and stuck in my ways and she admires it while also being overly frustrated with it. but one thing that came to mind was, (i play alot of video games) when i play a game and i dont like something about it, or think a part is just simply unfun i dont do it. for instance if a game has some character with special abilities, but those abilities dont feel good or take something else away i just wont use them. or if one part of a game teleports you to something to make it easier, i go all the way back and do it again because "i didnt ask to skip things so dont make me".
I hit my hand against my head. By society eyes it's never ok to self harm of course so for me I have some social concerns about feeling like doing it in front of others and that would cause me a lot of stress if I ever did self harm in front of others. My main concern would be by letting yourself self harm this way might cause a incident where you take the self harm too far and seriously hurt yourself. When I do it there's almost a sense of losing control so although it's not hurting us right now there could be a time where we take it too far. Since we gravitate towards self harming this way I think the pent up energy could be channeled in very healthy ways. For example maybe like some boxing or something along these lines might be really helpful, to learn maybe safer ways to still feel that pain that gives a sense of relief but in a way that's more safe and less impulsive if that makes sense. Also I love your videos thank you so much for your content.
i have more of a emotional meltdown just all this negative stuff coming at me all at once
you explained this really well thank you
I selfharm in meltdowns and in other situations
I punch and slap my thighs and hit my head.
I also cut but I think that’s something different
Currently awaiting my autism screening which seems to be making me super anxious and making my meltdowns more frequent and more harmful. When I'm having a meltdown it makes me want to chew things and I often end up chewing my hand to the point where it is bleeding. I'm not sure about what my meltdowns were like as a child as I've not spoken to my mum about this yet and I also have a terrible memory but remember having a lot of meltdowns as a child - sorry for the ramble
A weighted blanket has helped me alot alot alot
I have one for sleeping and I LOVE it for that but it's not nearly as strong for me, personally, for the kind of pressure I need
It helps me settle down. And I've had my meltdown moments, VERY very similar to yours. Don't feel ashamed, just do the best you can for yourself. It's important to remember that self harm like screaming at the top of your lungs can tear your vocal chords, head injuries can lead to extreme medical situations, slapping your hand wrong could break it. It is serious, and I wish I could say I have it all figured out.. I don't. I still thrash, yell, and cry alot... I just do my personal best to control myself so as not to harm myself terribly, harm my relationships, or harm my things.. I think the older you get, the ever so slightly easier it can get, if you can somehow be lucky enough to stumble across your own personal solutions to destress.... Meltdowns are for me a stress response (sensory and emotional), so I do as quickly as I can what I know I need in that moment (go in my room in the complete darkness, lay in bed- in the fetal position- orrrr maybe run to a bathroom stall to try to gather myself before announcing: I need to leave immediately). I love your channel, you're an awesome person, I wish you the best. You aren't alone.
Ahhh I see. Yes, I'm considering getting multiple! 😂
Could you recommend a good value for money option for a weighted blanket? :)
This have made me really look at myself because I can relate in ways and I believe I’m on the spectrum of autism and maybe Tourette syndrome as well bc I make this beeping noise at times and like kind of in a vibrating jerking way my head making strange faces. Someone mention do I have that but I just like played it off and I ignore it bc I felt like I was slow and I’m far from that and I didn’t want nobody looking at me in a negative way. I’m actually very intelligent I just sometimes don’t get certain phrases or etc that some ppl say. I also was really quiet when I was in elementary school and hardly talk until I got like mid high school. Now I can talk ppl head off if given the chance lol. But I still don’t like being around large crowds a lot bc I get nervous and sometimes feel I look awkward to others which I have been told on several occasions “why I look like this” “why I’m looking sad” which I be perfectly fine. “Why I’m not talking to others” that question there I be wanting to say “bc I don’t dang want to”. But I can be at a gathering with a lot of ppl sitting completely by myself and be completely fine. It’s like most ppl don’t get that and they think that’s weird which to me is unfair that me or other ppl that can relate to me get judge based on society! Thanks for this video. I don’t know for sure if I have APD OR ASD but I do believe I’m on the spectrum.
I repeatedly hit my head during meltdowns or even shutdowns. Sometimes when I get too drunk I beat myself up real bad. Since I was young I always needed to hurt myself when something was unpleasant. Such as, an unpleasant sound. I would need to do anything, scratch myself, dig my nails into myself, or the classic Rubber Band just to feel better. I’m pretty sure my jaw problems are from clenching my jaw as tight as I possibly could to avoid hurting myself, but it was never enough...
yeah I bite myself during tantrums and once I cut and punched myself
I've actually been looking for information of autism and VERBAL self abuse, but so far I haven't had much luck.
What this looks like in me is palilalia and verbal stimming, but while most people describe these behaviors as pleasurable and comforting/self-soothing, mine are more often abusive ( exp. "no one likes you," "no one loves you," "kill yourself"). I wonder if this can be considered another type of autism related self harm/meltdown? It happens mostly when I'm alone (or sometimes with my partner, though to a lesser extent and quieter usually), and when my mind is drifting and happens on negative or embarrassing memories or thoughts.
I do get neutral and happy palilalia and verbal stimming too sometimes, but more often when I'm happy my stims are more physical like skipping, running, or jumping around. I do find *those* pleasurable, but I wish there was more advice on how to stop my negative stims. Most advice on stimming is to embrace it, but my stims make me sad and I'm embarrassed someone will overhear me and think I'm verbally abusing someone else or otherwise, that I'm crazy. :(
I do have a history of physical self-harm too, but that's been very rare since I've been an adult.
I'm 38 I've attempted suicide 16x after a meltdown I started cutting myself then took it to a higher level to destroy myself. I love myself but people & family upset me to point I feel to end it.
Self injurious stims arent something I’ve really struggled with personally. My stims are pretty harmless. My sister picks her skin a lot though. Her cuticles are starting to scar. I think the best way to go about those types of stims is to be okay with the ones that don’t cause Permanente harm
I used to head but doors but now I punch walls and run into walls as it releases impulse and refills through the pain.
I play football at the weekend which releases all the emotional confusion that I have endured through the week.
I only tend to cut myself when I have self hatred.
I just do it until I stop because no body knows I do it.
I end up digging my nails into my palms. I have started wearing fingerless gloves frequently so that I don't actually break the skin.
Today at school some students were doing state testing which means that the schedule for the next few days were gonna be different (classes would be at different times and not the times they would usually be at and I do NOT do well with changes especially with time) and barely by 2nd period my body was already freaking out about my schedule being different and I went to the bathroom and had a meltdown and I noticed I was slightly banging my head against the stall door and it surprised me cause I was mindlessly doing it, but it helped a little. It’s hours later and I’m still recovering from the meltdown and I still feel so drained.
Well one thing I have done is I’ve actually because of my self harm and ended up in a psychiatric ward of the hospital for multiple days and weeks unfortunately while in there it still makes things worse because of my sensory input problems called a sensory processing disorder which my therapist thinks I may have now and usually I will dig my nails into my skin until I actually break through layers of the skin and I have actually put my head into the wall when I was in the hospital and I have been trying to find ways of dealing with my own issues but I really haven’t found very many if any at all I even have been put in the hospital for suicidal thoughts and ideation‘s and suicidal attempts and I know I am self diagnosing with autism and I have at least gone almost a year without ending up in the hospital and now the nurse at the clinic that I go to even knows that me being in the hospital is probably the worst thing that could ever happen but I have to watch what I say and how I feel in front of my therapist and psychiatrist because there were usually end up putting me in the hospital and I’m getting professionally tested for autism in July and I have so many emotional issues that go on constantly and I’ve had meltdowns I’ve had at least one shut down and I’ve even gone for a moment of not being able to speak and having all emotions and everything hitting me all at once and then now recently within the last day or so I’ve been at the point where I could not feel anything and I was trying to figure out what to do to get myself to feel something and I finally got out of it but it took me a day so that’s my own problems and issues and I also have been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder bipolar to PTSD generalized anxiety disorder major depressive disorder and dissociative identity disorder so I don’t know how to help you on that one question why is because of all this that I deal with all the time and it drives me totally insane sometimes to where I just don’t wanna feel like it this anymore and I just wanted to all go away and stop
usually only intaking pain helps me release when I can't
I found your concerne interesting, for myself I know i am dealing ( or avoid to deal) with some mental issues...I guess severe depression, dissociation etc, I didnt get a proper diagnose, I am just now of school and work because I cant...manage living. And I do self harm for a while now, its more of the ''classic'' cutting session it the blood that interest me i guess, so is it bad or good?...if i didnt to it I couldnt calm my self in an other way, So i guess for us its the only way... I often qestion myself but I dont know what I can do.if its not that I think about putting myself in danger, mostly with sexuality so it's better?
Hey, Ive heard from a few peole that jumping in a cold shower during a meltdown if you can is supposed to reset the nervous system and calm you down. And i guess really cold water can be painful so could be a way to get the pain input without the selfharm?
Sorry youre therapists haven't been helpful. Don't be ashamed, it's very normal for autistic people, if you can avoid hurting yourself obviously that's better but we need some way to release all that internal energy. Perhaps a punching bag that is hard enough to create some pain but not as hard as a wall could be good?
I have autism, OCD, anxiety and depression
When I get really angry and cry I bite my knuckles, I can't tell if those are meltdowns or not. :/
Apparently, meltdowns can be triggered by anxiety, anger, frustration, overload, stress, or fear. This would explain why when I get angry I meltdown
I scratch myself or hit myself with any objects that are at hand. I want to stop. What are the alternatives.
Girl I wish I knew!!
As a Parent I want to know the why and what you get from it and how can I help.
Me too, looking for how to help my son 😭
I heard bruises can lead to dangerous and deadly blood clots 🤷♀️ that's the only concern I have but what are the odds?
I have a video request have you ever been called the R word and what do you think of it
dont. do. that.
If it were that simple, they would have stopped. You clearly don't know anything about autism.
@@faroshscale ew not to encourage or get involved in your close minded behavior. Take care
@@faroshscale and abuse *
Great advice!!!!