Yeah, I can relate to this. It’s even worse when the message or phone caller expects/assumes you will want to participate or be involved in whatever the message or phone is about.
Put in my high school yearbook that, "I wanted to be happy." Instead, I became a spendaholic, and maxed out credit. 20 years later...I haven't been able to fix that. I'm facing poverty again, after losing another job..ADHD struck. Too much focus...."A watched pot never boils." Yes, I focus too much on a product, then I want to learn more about it, then I want another model or something similar. 😮
I was too Burnt myself out over and over again until I made the choice of no more mr/Ms nice guy/gal. What I'm exhausted to do is hold myself back from spilling the beans on everyone when someone asks me about my life or how I'm doing.....I am tired of lying or holding back the true feelings how much I hate my miserable living I may as well start do that now because I want to scare ppl off since that's what I've done when my mask slipped lol I want to be left alone & be at bloody peace & stop pretending that everything is FINE because it's NOT!!! hahaha!! No one likes a sourpus So I'll start complaining and ge negative and just be myself in other words lol That'll stop the energy vampires & moocher leeches for good
I gave up on being happy, but I'm also bored quite often. And I'm bored of being bored. Zero motivation. Better job? For what? Better money? To buy things I don't even need or want? Tests and people consider that I don't have a depression, because I don't want to die (I just don't mind to), and I don't think that I'm an ugly loser or something. I am just unhappy and not interested in living in general. Love your videos. They show another picture of reality. Some things just cannot be cured.
I’ve accepted this about myself, but it’s disappointing to friends and family when we’re out doing something that should be fun and I can’t fake joy. It puts a strain on my relationships.
I always feel like I have to explain to people and justify why I can't go out and be cheerful with them anymore, which is painful and frustrating. I can see myself slowly just not even trying more and more often and reverting back to a more isolationist way of life.
I stopped going out with people who dont see me and dont want to hear me when i say i dont want to go out anymore. Sure, i ended up alone, but being with those people was worse than being alone - constant pressure and anxiety on the top of loneliness, its not worth it.
After doing a lot of research, and then ketamine, TMS, and psilocybin, I thought I would and should be joyful and happy all the time. But I wasn't--which began to worry me. And then one day my doc said, "it's ok to be sad or depressed from time to time. That's normal." I felt relieved and got in my truck after the appointment and just cried, feeling relieved.
I feel I may never be "happy" again after enduring so much betrayal and pain throughout life but I am trying to work towards being content and having peace within
Fellow Eeyore here…am 15 years ahead of you, also studied Psychology to figure out what was wrong with me. Introversion and being highly sensitive weren’t so recognized back then. This is a wonderful video and the hole in the buckets analogy is helpful. Thank you.
This fully explains how I've felt all my life. No one in my family ever understood they still think one day I will be cured and that I'm not doing enough to help myself
Same! People think I'm just not grateful enough or not focusing my mind on the good or on love...like it I just did it HARDER, I could force it to work. Ummm, no. I had to do what no one in my family has done so far: go inside and get to know all the rejected parts of myself I'd had to stuff down in order to survive emotionally.
@@doomsdaycrochet4873There probably is some truth to the "not being grateful enough" & "not focusing your mind on good or Love". I think 99.9% of people aren't as grateful or able to feel love as we can be. But i know personally you can't FORCE it, or try Harder. It doesn't work. Like i know mentally know we're richer than 2/3rds of the whole world if you have a bed, a refridgerator, and a roof over your head. But i can't fully appreciate it. Unless, i could spend years living in 3rd world country. Really we should be happy af everyday we can see, hear, have working hands and feet, are not on physical pain, etc, but it's hard to appreciate fully without having been deaf, blind, crippled etc.
Love your show, Dr. I can certainly relate to this episode. I am 70 and happiness has avoided me my entire life. Whereas my brother who just passed away at 71, was always smiling and happy. I get so tired of people saying: "Smile! It can't be that bad." I want to smack them. I am not a "smiley" person. I can accept that happiness will never be mine, but other people do not want to be around a "sad" person. I wonder how much childhood effects a person in their adult life? My mother was a miserable person and quite abusive to me verbally, mentally and emotionally and I feel that impacted my outlook on life and my happiness. I was taught that I was not worthy of happiness where my brother was treated the opposite. At 70 I see little chance of anything changing. I also adored my brother and his recent passing has left me feeling that happiness is totally out of the question now. And, he was the last member of my family. My entire family is gone and I am left alone. Divorced, no children, no one. But it makes me feel a little better to think that happiness is over rated and I am not alone in that respect. I will look at my unhappiness in a different way now. Thank you.
Smile anyway....look at that as therapy. Actually..look up(what chemical changes happen in our brain when we smile.) I'm only sharing this as an experience. I wish much happiness for you.
Yes, your mother’s treatment of you in childhood can absolutely have an immense impact upon you as an adult; those early years are known as your “formative years” for just this reason. It might help you to learn more about these kinds of family dynamics and the effects they can have (such as the roles of the golden child, the scapegoat child, the invisible child, and so on), although you May wish to do so with a therapist if things are too intense. The book “Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents” could also offer you some insights and empathy, although in your case there’s less you would need to worry about in terms of navigating those relationships in the present day. But these resources could potentially help you process what you went through in your youth and offer you some additional self compassion for the survival techniques you adopted to get through it, forming the person you are today. From there, you can decide if things are comfortable as they are or if you want to pursue any type of shift. My condolences to you for the loss of your brother. It sounds like he was a positive influence in your life, and if that is the case I’m glad that you were able to share that with him. Wishing you the very best.
The sad part about me is that I used to be a naturally optimistic, happy person. I've always been anxious, but I was bold, optimistic, ready to take a leap of faith even if the outcome was bad. It was difficult to discourage me. Then I experienced a traumatic experience and all of that good stuff about me was gone. Happiness and being optimistic costs me a lot of hard work that leaves me exhausted. I am scared of hoping and having faith in good results. I self-sabotage to a point I don't have any goals anymore. That's why I HATE the saying ''what didn't kill you makes you stronger'' because what didn't kill me physically killed me psychologically. My natural state of happiness is just a mask now.
@Monicalia, I feel much the same. Have had some very bad let downs and I don't understand what I'm supposed to be happy about now. My optimism balloon has deflated and I'm dragging myself around only because I must be in this world. Not really depressed but not finding anything exciting or desirable. Just existing, alone, even though there are people around. A strange state. Maybe I can just find contentment some day.
I feel the same way. I had a few traumatic experiences over the course of 3 years. From the outside, many people would consider them no big deal, but they were to me. Now it's hard not to ruminate about them. It's as if those traumatic experiences are always in the background, casting a pall over new experiences I have (experiences that that otherwise would be more joyful and positive).
@Monicalia, that is your essence and even if now it seems to be gone you can bring it back. I recommend somatic therapy for trauma, that might really help. I hope it does.
@Monicalia, same exact thing for me. I've always been anxious, but was optimistic, happy, bold, etc. now i'm in the same boat. & I think the same thing about "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger". Just left me broken because i haven't been able to overcome it for years.
This explains why some people are more prone to addiction ... substances give the impression that they have filled the holes in the buckets, and you feel full of emotion. It is all a lie, and they are damaging the buckets behind the scenes
I had a counselor tell me, "Maybe you are just going to have to accept that this is your new normal." At the time, it completely ticked me off. Years later, it actually started to make some sense. I still don't know that I agree 100% with her but I think the general idea has been useful. I'm 63 and have been working on anxiety and depression most of my adult life. At some point, I might just need to accept that it is what it is.
Same. I need social security & Medicare to survive & Trump will take it away, as he has promised, and I will die. I am waiting for my last elderly dog to pass, and then I'm out
@@twistoffate4791I never remember him saying that and I am also on SSDI and Medicare. Why would he do that to people who are disadvantaged? We are human beings. I will have to look that up. Biden and Harris were ruining the country. It seems like there is no win for people who are disadvantaged. It shouldn't have to be that way. Parents and siblings who try to kill a person and that person survives... we should not be driven into the ground when we are trying to make a life. We are all made in thr image of G-d!
My problem was I was programmed to make sure everyone else was okay & I was back of the queue. I didn't even realise I was putting myself last but I have been taught to. I am the family scapegoat - expected to be here for everyone. I realised I can't do it! I was always ALWAYS wrecked. I was an empath and I was absorbing energy everywhere I went. This made me really heavy, unhappy and tired but I would still be expected to be there for everyone. Admitting defeat is the best thing that I have ever done. Nobody is my responsibility but me❤
I understand what you are saying completely!! That is exactly the way my life was!! Nobody understood on the day I finally blew up and told them I was out!! It was to much for me and now I have a quite peaceful existence!! ❤
Acceptance or letting go is the key. When you try to be happy, you won't be. When you chase for love, you won't find it. When you attach to life, you won't live it. Paradoxically life starts, when you are ok with dying. Things fall into your lap when you stop archieving them.
Autistic and ADHD with feelings which always seem to be pumped through an Amp turned up to 11. Always been cheerful outwardly but highly anxious, while being deeply melancholy internally. And this was validating
wow, this really resonated with me. for a long time i’ve struggled with feeling like happiness doesn’t come naturally when it “should” - like when i graduated college, or when friends and family reach milestones, or i accomplish a new skill or project. instead i just feel sort of hollow and fake, and nervous about how i can best mask that to look happy to others. i do think that in the last few years, being on medication and living alone has enabled me to focus more on doing what makes me happy, even if i don’t always feel that type of explosive joy. while i think i am happier now than i was a few years ago, i may never be a naturally consistently happy person, and that’s kind of freeing. i hate the expectation from society to recover linearly from mental illness, when it really comes and goes through the phases of my life in so many different ways. the more i tune into my own feelings and mind, the more i notice how unnatural society’s expectations of a normal life are.
I totally relate. I was never happy as a kid. The only emotions I knew were anxiety, and fear, really. I was extremely introverted. Nothing I did ever really made me happy. Then at 16 I discovered alcohol. I definitely relate to the "hedonistic" life you referred to. That was me. By my late teens early 20s, I didn't give two shits about the future. I was just chasing that immediate "happy" feeling. Alcohol was the only thing that made me happy. Im 16 months sober now, and being able to find that happiness has been extremely difficult. But with therapy, meds (I'm on Wellbutrin and Buspirone) , and working a CBT program, things seem to be headed in a positive direction. It's ok to not be ok, is right. Thank you for your videos, I get a lot of positivity out of them.
Agree 100%! I have also learned that my buckets can't always be filled by other people. For instance one of my biggest buckets that stayed full the longest was being a mother of young kids, spending those years with then & being a 'good' mum. Now my kids are late teenage or early twenties that bucket is not being filled much obviously as they are out living their own life as growing men - but that stark reality for me of that bucket being empty has knocked me on my a** a bit. So I guess I need to learn how to fill my own buckets up and find some new ones.
They call it “ empty nest “and for a lot of us mums it’s a painful void. Gradually I found ways to enjoy my life. I have to say, though, those years when my kids were still at home were the best years of my life. I’m 75 now.
I think this is a major problem with the baby boomer moms and all the moms that grew up believing that being a mom was the way to lead a fulfilling life. The older I got and the greater independence I took the more controlling- mentally, emotionally, verbally abusive she became - which led to 4 years of estrangement and the breaking down of our relationship. I’ve ended up with 20 years of inability to control my own adult life. I am now 40, can’t hold down a job, not interested in relationships, relationships with the wrong people. Now, I am broke, alone and my ability to meet a nice person, fall in love and start a family have been dashed. To say that I am resentful is an understatement. I am going to a 3 month treatment centre to try and change my life around.
@@jadeybabes33 what my mom so badly craved from me and my sister to “fill her void” has been stolen from me. What she cherished for 20 years and then abused I will never have. She has passed down childhood trauma - that she refuses to acknowledge and changed the fate of my life forever. I feel like I have been kidnapped and sterilized. I’m only just recognizing this for the first time as I write this. It makes me feel sick to my stomach.
Thanks doc scott. I and my wife cant understand why my happiness and joy is so very few and far between. Life has made me a pessimist, experience has taught me distrust, but hope keeps me going...thanks again
It doesn’t help that we’re bombarded with people’s “happiness” highlight reels on social media. You start to believe everyone is experiencing happiness but you.
I’m 65 and am finally learning who I truly am. Since stumbling upon your site I now understand myself a little more but more importantly I have started to accept myself as I am
Your videos helped me more then professional psychotherapy from a psychiatrist. So if reading this gives you any joy just know that you are probably helping more people with your videos than most mental health professionals help in there whole carrier. Every time when i view a video from you i end up understanding and learning something that you didn't even say directly in the video, just know that your videos help in ways that you aren't even aware it is happening.
@DrScott, it's absolutely true. Your videos make me realize that I'm not the only disgruntled, weird, non conformist non optimist not jumping for fake joy, flat feeling person. That's more joyful, raw and true than anything and I've got you to thank. Your words and clear explanations are much appreciated.
I've just discovered your channel with this video. I almost didn't watch this video because I was scared to hear what you had to say. Everything you described about yourself resonated so strongly with me! I recently started to come to terms with the idea that I might be a naturally unhappy person as I have been my whole life and often I have ideas of unsubscribing to life because of it, but focusing on other aspects of my life does bring me a sense of fulfilment for longer than any amount of joy. Thank you, this was so affirming and helpful.
Thank you Dr. Scott. Happiness seems to be an elusive emotion for me and this video made me feel like I'm not a failure for my inability to achieve it.
This bucket analogy really resonates ... could you do a video on helping people ID their buckets? i was shown an "emotion wheel" which i really couldn't relate to, but buckets like "helping people", "completed maintenance jobs" buckets make SO much sense to me! Also how to ID what you feel when buckets are full - when certain of my buckets are full, i feel something like contentment, but i wouldn't call it happiness or joy.
Thank you for this. I think an acquaintance/friend tried to explain this to me 20+ years ago, and it didn't click. The "joy bucket with a big hole" metaphor works a lot better in my brain than the "low baseline mood" explanations I've heard before. Less blamey. My PhD psychologist mom once angrily screamed at me for not being happy at Christmas, home from a devastating semester at college. That was weird. Then I realized she needed me to play along to make her happy. We are all so damaged, we humans.
I’ve always had the attitude that I am responsible for my own happiness, that I can’t rely on other people to make me happy. That and the fact that life is full of ups and downs and happiness comes and goes. My problem now is that my beautiful wife of 30 yrs passed forward and I am in deep grief. It’s hard to find any lasting joy in anything. I do have some moments of joy, mostly playing my guitar or listening to music but what is helping me is meditating. I’ve been watching a guy named Todd Perlemuter. I’d encourage anyone on here to try it. It’s rooted in Buddhism but it’s not just sitting there chanting “ Ohhhhhmmmm” it’s also walking meditation, listening, doing simple chores while staying in the present moment with intention and mindfulness. I also watch a lot of Scott’s videos and he is really great !
I am so sorry for your loss. I’ve been married to my beautiful wife for 34 years, I can’t imagine the pain and grief you are going through. I will be praying for you. I play a larrivee acoustic and a Gibson Les Paul studio pro through a Marshall DSL amp, that thing rocks!!!! God bless you brother
@@tw2102 Thanks so much for your kind words. I've got a CJ Martin and a Taylor. I also have an American made Stratocaster but haven't plugged it in for a few years because I was the sole caregiver for my wife for 3 yrs. I played the acoustic for her just about everyday though- she was a great singer !
@@mygreenenvy I am my boyfriend's sole caregiver too. He has metastatic cancer and he doesn't have much longer left. It's killing me. It's a special kind of hell that goes on and on.
I feel that if I actually have a good time and enjoy myself I feel so much worse when the event ends. It has made me realise how empty and miserable my life really is.
Great advice thankyou. After stopping 20years of self medicating I get and accept that I mostly won’t be a happy person. The trouble is, other people don’t get it.
Thank you Scott, I've been battling complex ptsd for 8 years now, a daily battle with emotional pain and dark thoughts and little in the way of happiness, its a comfort listening to you.
I'm stuck in a major depression. But it's something I realized that the harder you look for happiness it becomes elusive. Got a pretty big hole in my bucket
Oh my, I can so relate to your description of not being joyful for long periods of time and joy being so fleeting of an emotion. I didn't give into hedonism, but I did just give into the idea of joy not being a large part of my life. I have had people side eye me for not living up to their idea of expressing open pleasure for things. It took a long time for me to know that (as you finally figured out) that this is ' just me.' It's not a defect or flaw, it's my neurodivergent brain being itself. Thanks for the cosign! 🙂
Thank you for your honesty and openness. It sounds like you found what brings you joy: meeting goals (gym) and helping others. I don't believe our brains were created to "feel" happy all the time, and that is where gratitude comes in. Gratitude can become our baseline.
This is such an honest video! I'm pretty sure that more people than we would imagine can relate to that. And wow, it's as if you've just taken away a burden over my shoulder. This obsession for happiness might be just another lie of this modern world. Even our physiology is created for survival, not for happiness. Thank you for being so authentic.
I’m definitely similar to you in this area of my life. As personal things haven’t worked out very well for me (I’m 69), I understand more now WHY I feel this way. I don’t try enough to work on closing the hole in my happiness bucket. Stress, anxiety and depression take over most of the time. My mental health is at an all time low, so happiness is there in short-lived little things. I used to be an extrovert and have gradually become an introvert. I’m content most of the time, and find you and commenters as comrades in this life. Thanks to everyone and especially to you, Dr Scott. 👍
So true and I didn't know what to call this...love your description!😊 I felt same that joy didn't last and felt like I was selfish and flawed. So I found activities I knew I did well and knew I felt good after I did them. For me: it's art and playing my hand drums. Afterwards I felt light and no worries filled my mind...it was like my mind had a mini vacation. So I do these activities more and more, especially when I start to feel the wave of depression coming and before I get too engulfed and too tired to take any action.
Thank you for this. It's incredibly helpful just to know I'm not alone in feeling/ being this way. I know I need to work on accepting this about myself. It's hard because I want to be happy, and part of me still believes that if I just had most of the adversity removed and the circumstances line up the way I want them to in my life, that I'd be able to reverse my mental state and be happy at least most of the time. I've had a similar "leaky bucket" conversation with my husband, but it's always had the connotation that it's a character flaw and something I have control over and need to fix, and it's so frustrating that I don't seem to be able to do that, no matter how much I want to. I feel like I'm always missing some key piece or ingredient to make it happen.
OMG I’m a 75 yr old woman who identifies with EVERY aspect of this video. I too became a mental health therapist when I started figuring all this stuff out about myself. I love your insights! Thank you!
Dr Scott you are the only man that ever made since to talk about mental health so good at getting to the point across wish i could talk face to face God bless you for everything ❤🌹👍
Your insight and wisdom speaks to me. I would lament that I could not remain happy in the good life that I have. I have told my children that an exclamation point in a text message is the most excited they will ever see me. I have learned to be content rather than joyful and happy. Content and contemplative are my two buckets that hold the most content. Thank you so much for all the work and honesty you put into your videos. I have your book and am reading it now. I was afraid my highlighter would run out of ink in the first 20 pages! 😊
Life has a way of dealing some serious blows to peoples lives which obviously affects our mental health. For some of us, we carry some deep scars on our hearts. Happiness is great, not opposed to it, but I'd rather simply be REAL. Real about the realities of human existence. That has kept me alive through some very dark moments in life.
I am so, so grateful for these videos. I can't even explain to you how much I need them right now. God bless you and your family for saving me when I most needed it.
I'm so sorry. The greatest thing this YT channel has made me realize is that I am the way who I am and must always remind myself that and accept it. I'm to hard on myself when in reality I won't change
The mistake we make as humans is to look to the outside to find permanent happy feelings. Most or all philosophies will point out that contentment can only be found within yourself for example the practice of gratitude, love & beauty & experiencing the present moment & with awareness of your thoughts & thought processes. Without practicing these things we’re hoping for superficial things to make us happy.
Omg man, 8:10 or so is me too! It explains so much. Well it doesn't explain it per se, but it makes it easier to accept you know. Definitely accepting that has helped. And hearing Scott say this too makes accepting it easier still. Find some joy sometimes, otherwise just live life as best as possible.
I remember having my first existential crisis around age 7-8. Almost half a century now and I’ve been fighting depression for as long as I can remember. I really needed to see this. Thank you for sharing!
TY! I really needed this. I’m positive but, not a joyful person. I, as you, find more in giving than receiving , and this fulfills me. Your experience gives me permission to allow my true self to be who I am, and not what I think I should be. Freeing.🥰
I have been watching more and more of your videos lately because they seem to be the only thing that makes me feel less sad and futile. I really need to get to that point of complete acceptance without any judgement or feeling less than because I am so incredibly tired of crying and feeling so sad and alone. I also feel like I used up so much energy trying to fight it and find “the key to happiness “ that I’m drained, on all levels. I was having a really rough day and thankfully the algorithm is working for me today by recommending this video. Still a rough day, but I’ve taken a few deep breaths which I’ve realized I haven’t done an awhile so thank you for this. I’m going to try putting my efforts into wearing these “new clothes “ for awhile and see if it helps. Alleviate all the self hate for not being able to crack the code. 😢😊🙃
It is so interesting that some people belong to the exact the same category and experience the life exact same way. I was struggling to figure out what was wrong with me, why joy is lacking in me even though i am having a decent life. Now i get it. Thank you for another great video. As you mentioned, help and achievement buckets have smaller hole in me also. Rediscovering myself and learning new skills makes me feel good.
I get what you are saying, Dr. Scott. The thing is, after 35 years of not feeling joy and doing everything I can to try to feel satisfaction in other ways, I can no longer accept this.
I just found you a few weeks ago and I just want to say thanks. Every video seems like the most important lesson I've heard in a long time and Ive been making progress in ways I wouldnt have dreamed of a year ago. But dont get disheartened reading this is you dont feel like youre progressing. Ive been in recovery for almost 2 years now so Ive had a lot of progress before finding this channel and it HAS been hard work. I can say that all of these little things are both the easiest suggestions to implement and also the most beneficial in the long term. Keep at it, folks!
You just broke my brain in a good way. The amount of demonization I’ve received because my depression brain works differently. Ppl who loved me have left so the amount of shame piled high stopped me from living my life for 7 years. I refuse to hate my way of existing in a tremendously difficult world anymore. I know I process emotions differently than others so I’m not going to be just anyone’s cup of tea. If I’m too ‘toxic’ for being real then move along. I don’t feel toxic when I’m not being quietly judged and expected to change all the time. There is freedom in understanding and accepting.
knowing you read these comments... I just want to say you're my favourite therapist ever. I just love your transparency, how relatable you are. That being said, I'd love that you talk about how now everyone is saying everything happens or is due to the state of the nervous system, cause this turned to be pretty true for me
You are the first person that talks about an idea I have about human beings; we have a core base of who each one of us is and most emotions, if not all, are temporary bursts of fuel in our system. No one can remain happy for an extended period of time in the same way no one can remain angry or scared unless faced with extraordinary circumstances that ignite the physical reaction to those feelings. But each one of us has an emotional base that remains constant. Some people tend to be funny, others skeptical, others serious etc and that base is tied to specific emotions.
I know you'll never see this but you really are a life saver (no pressure lol). You have such a gift for reaching people and with your own personal history you know what's actually going on in our heads. Thank you thank you thank you!
Scott yr most insightful presentation to date 'being happy' is not quite the same as 'experiencing happiness' 'being' implies a steady state... days months years, whatever... and I think there's quite a profound difference between 'not happy'... and 'unhappy' unhappy is a very loaded term, at least in the culture I inhabit (english speaking westerner) I am often 'not happy' eg concentrating on a work problem, checking my bank account, mowing the lawn, brushing my teeth etc etc etc but at the same time, I am not 'unhappy' as such I am simply 'not happy', I am just somewhere else english speaking westerners generally seem to be inclined to expect to 'be happy' quite a lot of the time Which I find perplexing.... and increasingly so since the 1950s as technology, communications, life expectancy, leisure time, personal affluence, lifespan etc continued to increase at exponential rates in the contemporary parlance, 'being happy' simply is not sustainable and is the exception rather than the rule
Dude, I'm so glad I found your channel. You and a handful of other youtubers have really helped me find a better quality of life, and I can't thank you enough.
You speak in such a relatable way. Can’t thank you enough for your channel. I forward your videos to my adult children because they seem to struggle with many of these things. SO SO glad to hear that we or ok not being like all the faces we see on social media, advertising, etc. because that’s the lie we get fed constantly.
My bucket that I struggle with is anxiety. It seems like I have never been able to manage my anxiety, and I have had lots of people shame me for it. I've beaten myself up over it too, causing even more anxiety. I am never going to not be anxious and that is OK!!!
This video just came up on my feed and I’m only a couple of minutes in, but for some reason, I just feel such relief hearing that it’s OK to not be OK or to never be OK. Or whatever myself or others once considered “ok”. Someone finally said it and gets me! I have not been OK for almost 7 years now since my partner of 26 years and the father of my children passed away. As if that weren’t enough, I lost my home, many other loved ones have passed, debilitating car accident, lost my job, I could go on. Sort of like a domino effect. Anyway, thanks for your message. I say this and I haven’t even watched the full video yet so off I go.
Thank you. I definitely relate to this video and it’s wonderful to hear that this condition doesn’t have to mean my life is flawed/lacking/low key ruined. ❤
I thought I used to be ok, then I lost my Dad, who was my anchor. Then I lost my sister and have since felt a void, and I am fearful. Thanks Dr. Scott, much love to all here ❤💛
Man....a billion thanks :) You're maybe just the only psychologist saying this. It's a vicious cycle maintained by doctors, in my experience. All the time I've received same "poisonous advice" from psychiatrists and psychologists: if you keep taking your medication or go to therapy sessions you'll be like you were before - happy again. And all of this time I taught it's something that I'm doing wrong, because I've have never been the same, like I was before. Slowly I realized this by myself, and with the help of your book. Thanks :)
Thank you so much. I thought I was alone. Many other people experience joy consistently, and I always thought that something was wrong with me. I don't feel so lonely anymore.
I relate so 💪 to this, but I was born with fire 🔥 and optimism in the most abusive and adverse of upbringings. But, by early adolescence my fight and natural disposition toward optimism was stolen and i don’t know whether to grieve properly for my “natural disposition”, and what was taken or to accept defeat that this life has killed the dreams I dreamed. 😢
First, thank you so much for your podcasts! I finally found someone I can identify with and who can speak about so many things I relate to. This one especially, that I can feel validated and comfortable with my true self and that it’s ok to not be happy all the time, and life can still be good that way.
I dont chase happiness I just want calm and peace and routine. I fear and hate messages, emails and phone calls.
Same
Yeah, I can relate to this. It’s even worse when the message or phone caller expects/assumes you will want to participate or be involved in whatever the message or phone is about.
Put in my high school yearbook that, "I wanted to be happy." Instead, I became a spendaholic, and maxed out credit. 20 years later...I haven't been able to fix that. I'm facing poverty again, after losing another job..ADHD struck.
Too much focus...."A watched pot never boils." Yes, I focus too much on a product, then I want to learn more about it, then I want another model or something similar. 😮
I could have written this myself!
That's why my ringer is always off on my phone, if I'm expecting a phone call maybe once a year I'll just put it where I can see it light up
This is sooo helpful….I’m EXHAUSTED from a lifetime of people pleasing and trying to be the person I “should” be instead of accepting who I am
I was too
Burnt myself out over and over again until I made the choice of no more mr/Ms nice guy/gal.
What I'm exhausted to do is hold myself back from spilling the beans on everyone when someone asks me about my life or how I'm doing.....I am tired of lying or holding back the true feelings how much I hate my miserable living
I may as well start do that now because I want to scare ppl off since that's what I've done when my mask slipped lol
I want to be left alone & be at bloody peace & stop pretending that everything is FINE because it's NOT!!! hahaha!!
No one likes a sourpus
So I'll start complaining and ge negative and just be myself in other words lol
That'll stop the energy vampires & moocher leeches for good
I am so happy I have found your channel to help me feel less like a lonely freak.
You're not
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I feel I have permission to exist in my real existence.
me, too!!
This is me and I never heard anyone describe this so perfectly.
My baseline is well below the average persons. And I think it's important to accept this.
I gave up on being happy, but I'm also bored quite often. And I'm bored of being bored. Zero motivation. Better job? For what? Better money? To buy things I don't even need or want? Tests and people consider that I don't have a depression, because I don't want to die (I just don't mind to), and I don't think that I'm an ugly loser or something. I am just unhappy and not interested in living in general. Love your videos. They show another picture of reality. Some things just cannot be cured.
You can have depression without being suicidal
You can have depression without being suicidal
This is literally me as well 🫶🏾
As the kids today say ..... All fax, no printer.
Look at his videos about Anhedonia.
I am 71. I long ago stopped trying to be joyful. And I am way happier with life since I did so.
I’ve accepted this about myself, but it’s disappointing to friends and family when we’re out doing something that should be fun and I can’t fake joy. It puts a strain on my relationships.
I tend to avoid interacting for that reason . It feels like too much pressure .
It makes me sad because I use to be able to make myself feel better .
I SO relate to this as well as @HypsyGypsy1467's comment
@@HypsyGyspy1467 YESSSSSSSSS!
I always feel like I have to explain to people and justify why I can't go out and be cheerful with them anymore, which is painful and frustrating. I can see myself slowly just not even trying more and more often and reverting back to a more isolationist way of life.
I stopped going out with people who dont see me and dont want to hear me when i say i dont want to go out anymore. Sure, i ended up alone, but being with those people was worse than being alone - constant pressure and anxiety on the top of loneliness, its not worth it.
After doing a lot of research, and then ketamine, TMS, and psilocybin, I thought I would and should be joyful and happy all the time. But I wasn't--which began to worry me. And then one day my doc said, "it's ok to be sad or depressed from time to time. That's normal." I felt relieved and got in my truck after the appointment and just cried, feeling relieved.
I feel I may never be "happy" again after enduring so much betrayal and pain throughout life but I am trying to work towards being content and having peace within
I know what you mean. I’m in the same place.
@MelodyDeese7 God help us all
The day will come when all the betrayal won't bother you at all
Exactly. Contentment and peace are my salvation.
@@Sadune85 I hope so.. I feel so empty and a little pessimistic of humans
Fellow Eeyore here…am 15 years ahead of you, also studied Psychology to figure out what was wrong with me. Introversion and being highly sensitive weren’t so recognized back then. This is a wonderful video and the hole in the buckets analogy is helpful. Thank you.
This fully explains how I've felt all my life. No one in my family ever understood they still think one day I will be cured and that I'm not doing enough to help myself
Same! People think I'm just not grateful enough or not focusing my mind on the good or on love...like it I just did it HARDER, I could force it to work. Ummm, no. I had to do what no one in my family has done so far: go inside and get to know all the rejected parts of myself I'd had to stuff down in order to survive emotionally.
@@doomsdaycrochet4873There probably is some truth to the "not being grateful enough" & "not focusing your mind on good or Love". I think 99.9% of people aren't as grateful or able to feel love as we can be. But i know personally you can't FORCE it, or try Harder. It doesn't work.
Like i know mentally know we're richer than 2/3rds of the whole world if you have a bed, a refridgerator, and a roof over your head. But i can't fully appreciate it. Unless, i could spend years living in 3rd world country.
Really we should be happy af everyday we can see, hear, have working hands and feet, are not on physical pain, etc, but it's hard to appreciate fully without having been deaf, blind, crippled etc.
Love your show, Dr. I can certainly relate to this episode. I am 70 and happiness has avoided me my entire life. Whereas my brother who just passed away at 71, was always smiling and happy. I get so tired of people saying: "Smile! It can't be that bad." I want to smack them. I am not a "smiley" person. I can accept that happiness will never be mine, but other people do not want to be around a "sad" person. I wonder how much childhood effects a person in their adult life? My mother was a miserable person and quite abusive to me verbally, mentally and emotionally and I feel that impacted my outlook on life and my happiness. I was taught that I was not worthy of happiness where my brother was treated the opposite. At 70 I see little chance of anything changing. I also adored my brother and his recent passing has left me feeling that happiness is totally out of the question now. And, he was the last member of my family. My entire family is gone and I am left alone. Divorced, no children, no one. But it makes me feel a little better to think that happiness is over rated and I am not alone in that respect. I will look at my unhappiness in a different way now. Thank you.
Smile anyway....look at that as therapy. Actually..look up(what chemical changes happen in our brain when we smile.) I'm only sharing this as an experience. I wish much happiness for you.
The worst is people always asking you what's wrong, are you ok, so sick of explaining myself and misery
🙂❤️
I've realised that you can have inner peace even if you don't feel happiness. Feels liberating.
Yes, your mother’s treatment of you in childhood can absolutely have an immense impact upon you as an adult; those early years are known as your “formative years” for just this reason. It might help you to learn more about these kinds of family dynamics and the effects they can have (such as the roles of the golden child, the scapegoat child, the invisible child, and so on), although you May wish to do so with a therapist if things are too intense. The book “Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents” could also offer you some insights and empathy, although in your case there’s less you would need to worry about in terms of navigating those relationships in the present day. But these resources could potentially help you process what you went through in your youth and offer you some additional self compassion for the survival techniques you adopted to get through it, forming the person you are today. From there, you can decide if things are comfortable as they are or if you want to pursue any type of shift. My condolences to you for the loss of your brother. It sounds like he was a positive influence in your life, and if that is the case I’m glad that you were able to share that with him. Wishing you the very best.
The sad part about me is that I used to be a naturally optimistic, happy person. I've always been anxious, but I was bold, optimistic, ready to take a leap of faith even if the outcome was bad. It was difficult to discourage me. Then I experienced a traumatic experience and all of that good stuff about me was gone. Happiness and being optimistic costs me a lot of hard work that leaves me exhausted. I am scared of hoping and having faith in good results. I self-sabotage to a point I don't have any goals anymore. That's why I HATE the saying ''what didn't kill you makes you stronger'' because what didn't kill me physically killed me psychologically. My natural state of happiness is just a mask now.
Hi so sorry what you’re going through this. I can relate, I never liked that expression either.
@Monicalia, I feel much the same. Have had some very bad let downs and I don't understand what I'm supposed to be happy about now. My optimism balloon has deflated and I'm dragging myself around only because I must be in this world. Not really depressed but not finding anything exciting or desirable. Just existing, alone, even though there are people around. A strange state. Maybe I can just find contentment some day.
I feel the same way. I had a few traumatic experiences over the course of 3 years. From the outside, many people would consider them no big deal, but they were to me. Now it's hard not to ruminate about them. It's as if those traumatic experiences are always in the background, casting a pall over new experiences I have (experiences that that otherwise would be more joyful and positive).
@Monicalia, that is your essence and even if now it seems to be gone you can bring it back. I recommend somatic therapy for trauma, that might really help. I hope it does.
@Monicalia, same exact thing for me. I've always been anxious, but was optimistic, happy, bold, etc. now i'm in the same boat.
& I think the same thing about "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger". Just left me broken because i haven't been able to overcome it for years.
Ive waited 64 years to have this explained to me! Now it all makes sense ❤
This explains why some people are more prone to addiction ... substances give the impression that they have filled the holes in the buckets, and you feel full of emotion. It is all a lie, and they are damaging the buckets behind the scenes
I had a counselor tell me, "Maybe you are just going to have to accept that this is your new normal." At the time, it completely ticked me off. Years later, it actually started to make some sense. I still don't know that I agree 100% with her but I think the general idea has been useful. I'm 63 and have been working on anxiety and depression most of my adult life. At some point, I might just need to accept that it is what it is.
❤
I've accepted it. Other people can't seem to.
They are in Lala land..they feel the need to 'appear happy' at all times! It's exhausting being around them..
Needed to hear this. I feel less broken.
I'm never going to be ok.
Me neither. But I'll fake it for my Oscar..🙏🏻
Same. I need social security & Medicare to survive & Trump will take it away, as he has promised, and I will die. I am waiting for my last elderly dog to pass, and then I'm out
And that's ok
DITTO THAT MY BROTHA
@@twistoffate4791I never remember him saying that and I am also on SSDI and Medicare. Why would he do that to people who are disadvantaged? We are human beings. I will have to look that up. Biden and Harris were ruining the country. It seems like there is no win for people who are disadvantaged. It shouldn't have to be that way. Parents and siblings who try to kill a person and that person survives... we should not be driven into the ground when we are trying to make a life. We are all made in thr image of G-d!
My problem was I was programmed to make sure everyone else was okay & I was back of the queue.
I didn't even realise I was putting myself last but I have been taught to. I am the family scapegoat - expected to be here for everyone. I realised I can't do it! I was always ALWAYS wrecked. I was an empath and I was absorbing energy everywhere I went. This made me really heavy, unhappy and tired but I would still be expected to be there for everyone. Admitting defeat is the best thing that I have ever done. Nobody is my responsibility but me❤
I understand what you are saying completely!! That is exactly the way my life was!! Nobody understood on the day I finally blew up and told them I was out!! It was to much for me and now I have a quite peaceful existence!! ❤
Acceptance or letting go is the key. When you try to be happy, you won't be. When you chase for love, you won't find it. When you attach to life, you won't live it. Paradoxically life starts, when you are ok with dying. Things fall into your lap when you stop archieving them.
Ok, see--THIS is what I struggle to get across to people, but hearing it from someone else finally cements a way to explain it. Thank you!
Autistic and ADHD with feelings which always seem to be pumped through an Amp turned up to 11. Always been cheerful outwardly but highly anxious, while being deeply melancholy internally. And this was validating
wow, this really resonated with me. for a long time i’ve struggled with feeling like happiness doesn’t come naturally when it “should” - like when i graduated college, or when friends and family reach milestones, or i accomplish a new skill or project. instead i just feel sort of hollow and fake, and nervous about how i can best mask that to look happy to others. i do think that in the last few years, being on medication and living alone has enabled me to focus more on doing what makes me happy, even if i don’t always feel that type of explosive joy. while i think i am happier now than i was a few years ago, i may never be a naturally consistently happy person, and that’s kind of freeing. i hate the expectation from society to recover linearly from mental illness, when it really comes and goes through the phases of my life in so many different ways. the more i tune into my own feelings and mind, the more i notice how unnatural society’s expectations of a normal life are.
I totally relate. I was never happy as a kid. The only emotions I knew were anxiety, and fear, really. I was extremely introverted. Nothing I did ever really made me happy. Then at 16 I discovered alcohol. I definitely relate to the "hedonistic" life you referred to. That was me. By my late teens early 20s, I didn't give two shits about the future. I was just chasing that immediate "happy" feeling. Alcohol was the only thing that made me happy. Im 16 months sober now, and being able to find that happiness has been extremely difficult. But with therapy, meds (I'm on Wellbutrin and Buspirone) , and working a CBT program, things seem to be headed in a positive direction. It's ok to not be ok, is right. Thank you for your videos, I get a lot of positivity out of them.
I’m never gonna be ok either. I’m not ok, I wasn’t born ok, and I’m gonna die not being ok
I always feel guilty or unworthy when things go good. Like I’m afraid to in-brace happiness of success, in case it doesn’t pan out.
"Flat" perfectly describes me.
Agree 100%! I have also learned that my buckets can't always be filled by other people. For instance one of my biggest buckets that stayed full the longest was being a mother of young kids, spending those years with then & being a 'good' mum. Now my kids are late teenage or early twenties that bucket is not being filled much obviously as they are out living their own life as growing men - but that stark reality for me of that bucket being empty has knocked me on my a** a bit. So I guess I need to learn how to fill my own buckets up and find some new ones.
Empty nest syndrome is real 😊
They call it “ empty nest “and for a lot of us mums it’s a painful void. Gradually I found ways to enjoy my life. I have to say, though, those years when my kids were still at home were the best years of my life. I’m 75 now.
I think this is a major problem with the baby boomer moms and all the moms that grew up believing that being a mom was the way to lead a fulfilling life. The older I got and the greater independence I took the more controlling- mentally, emotionally, verbally abusive she became - which led to 4 years of estrangement and the breaking down of our relationship. I’ve ended up with 20 years of inability to control my own adult life. I am now 40, can’t hold down a job, not interested in relationships, relationships with the wrong people. Now, I am broke, alone and my ability to meet a nice person, fall in love and start a family have been dashed. To say that I am resentful is an understatement. I am going to a 3 month treatment centre to try and change my life around.
@@laurelosborne8984 That sounds absolutely awful and I'm sorry you've had that experience. Wishing you all the best with getting better.
@@jadeybabes33 what my mom so badly craved from me and my sister to “fill her void” has been stolen from me. What she cherished for 20 years and then abused I will never have. She has passed down childhood trauma - that she refuses to acknowledge and changed the fate of my life forever. I feel like I have been kidnapped and sterilized. I’m only just recognizing this for the first time as I write this. It makes me feel sick to my stomach.
Thanks doc scott. I and my wife cant understand why my happiness and joy is so very few and far between. Life has made me a pessimist, experience has taught me distrust, but hope keeps me going...thanks again
It doesn’t help that we’re bombarded with people’s “happiness” highlight reels on social media. You start to believe everyone is experiencing happiness but you.
Or people at work that seem to have happy relationships
Yes. Our culture prizes happy, confident, sanguine, outgoing people
I’m 65 and am finally learning who I truly am. Since stumbling upon your site I now understand myself a little more but more importantly I have started to accept myself as I am
Your videos helped me more then professional psychotherapy from a psychiatrist. So if reading this gives you any joy just know that you are probably helping more people with your videos than most mental health professionals help in there whole carrier.
Every time when i view a video from you i end up understanding and learning something that you didn't even say directly in the video, just know that your videos help in ways that you aren't even aware it is happening.
That’s absolutely crazy to even think about…thanks so much!!
@DrScott, it's absolutely true. Your videos make me realize that I'm not the only disgruntled, weird, non conformist non optimist not jumping for fake joy, flat feeling person. That's more joyful, raw and true than anything and I've got you to thank. Your words and clear explanations are much appreciated.
Damn. Hearing someone else admit to this is a relief and gives me some hope
I've just discovered your channel with this video. I almost didn't watch this video because I was scared to hear what you had to say. Everything you described about yourself resonated so strongly with me! I recently started to come to terms with the idea that I might be a naturally unhappy person as I have been my whole life and often I have ideas of unsubscribing to life because of it, but focusing on other aspects of my life does bring me a sense of fulfilment for longer than any amount of joy. Thank you, this was so affirming and helpful.
Thank you Dr. Scott. Happiness seems to be an elusive emotion for me and this video made me feel like I'm not a failure for my inability to achieve it.
This bucket analogy really resonates ... could you do a video on helping people ID their buckets? i was shown an "emotion wheel" which i really couldn't relate to, but buckets like "helping people", "completed maintenance jobs" buckets make SO much sense to me! Also how to ID what you feel when buckets are full - when certain of my buckets are full, i feel something like contentment, but i wouldn't call it happiness or joy.
Thank you for this. I think an acquaintance/friend tried to explain this to me 20+ years ago, and it didn't click. The "joy bucket with a big hole" metaphor works a lot better in my brain than the "low baseline mood" explanations I've heard before. Less blamey.
My PhD psychologist mom once angrily screamed at me for not being happy at Christmas, home from a devastating semester at college. That was weird. Then I realized she needed me to play along to make her happy. We are all so damaged, we humans.
I’ve always had the attitude that I am responsible for my own happiness, that I can’t rely on other people to make me happy. That and the fact that life is full of ups and downs and happiness comes and goes. My problem now is that my beautiful wife of 30 yrs passed forward and I am in deep grief. It’s hard to find any lasting joy in anything. I do have some moments of joy, mostly playing my guitar or listening to music but what is helping me is meditating. I’ve been watching a guy named Todd Perlemuter. I’d encourage anyone on here to try it. It’s rooted in Buddhism but it’s not just sitting there chanting “ Ohhhhhmmmm” it’s also walking meditation, listening, doing simple chores while staying in the present moment with intention and mindfulness. I also watch a lot of Scott’s videos and he is really great !
I'm so sorry for your loss. And I like your suggestions.
I am so sorry for your loss. I’ve been married to my beautiful wife for 34 years, I can’t imagine the pain and grief you are going through. I will be praying for you.
I play a larrivee acoustic and a Gibson Les Paul studio pro through a Marshall DSL amp, that thing rocks!!!!
God bless you brother
@@bakerinthehouse5346 Thanks so much for your condolences
@@tw2102 Thanks so much for your kind words. I've got a CJ Martin and a Taylor. I also have an American made Stratocaster but haven't plugged it in for a few years because I was the sole caregiver for my wife for 3 yrs. I played the acoustic for her just about everyday though- she was a great singer !
@@mygreenenvy I am my boyfriend's sole caregiver too.
He has metastatic cancer and he doesn't have much longer left. It's killing me.
It's a special kind of hell that goes on and on.
Happiness is overrated. Why not just be content, it can be easier to achieve, more long lasting then happiness which is just a short moment
I like this outlook 👌🏻. Feels more achievable, satisfying and achievable.
I feel that if I actually have a good time and enjoy myself I feel so much worse when the event ends. It has made me realise how empty and miserable my life really is.
Great advice thankyou. After stopping 20years of self medicating I get and accept that I mostly won’t be a happy person. The trouble is, other people don’t get it.
Thank you Scott, I've been battling complex ptsd for 8 years now, a daily battle with emotional pain and dark thoughts and little in the way of happiness, its a comfort listening to you.
I'm stuck in a major depression. But it's something I realized that the harder you look for happiness it becomes elusive. Got a pretty big hole in my bucket
Oh my, I can so relate to your description of not being joyful for long periods of time and joy being so fleeting of an emotion. I didn't give into hedonism, but I did just give into the idea of joy not being a large part of my life. I have had people side eye me for not living up to their idea of expressing open pleasure for things. It took a long time for me to know that (as you finally figured out) that this is ' just me.' It's not a defect or flaw, it's my neurodivergent brain being itself. Thanks for the cosign! 🙂
never heard anything like this before. but it makes a lot of sense
You’re my online therapist. I’m so thankful for you in my life.
Thank you for your honesty and openness. It sounds like you found what brings you joy: meeting goals (gym) and helping others. I don't believe our brains were created to "feel" happy all the time, and that is where gratitude comes in. Gratitude can become our baseline.
I wish someone had said this to me 70+ years ago.
This is such an honest video! I'm pretty sure that more people than we would imagine can relate to that. And wow, it's as if you've just taken away a burden over my shoulder. This obsession for happiness might be just another lie of this modern world. Even our physiology is created for survival, not for happiness. Thank you for being so authentic.
I’m definitely similar to you in this area of my life. As personal things haven’t worked out very well for me (I’m 69), I understand more now WHY I feel this way. I don’t try enough to work on closing the hole in my happiness bucket. Stress, anxiety and depression take over most of the time. My mental health is at an all time low, so happiness is there in short-lived little things. I used to be an extrovert and have gradually become an introvert. I’m content most of the time, and find you and commenters as comrades in this life.
Thanks to everyone and especially to you, Dr Scott. 👍
So true and I didn't know what to call this...love your description!😊 I felt same that joy didn't last and felt like I was selfish and flawed. So I found activities I knew I did well and knew I felt good after I did them. For me: it's art and playing my hand drums. Afterwards I felt light and no worries filled my mind...it was like my mind had a mini vacation. So I do these activities more and more, especially when I start to feel the wave of depression coming and before I get too engulfed and too tired to take any action.
Thank you for this. It's incredibly helpful just to know I'm not alone in feeling/ being this way. I know I need to work on accepting this about myself. It's hard because I want to be happy, and part of me still believes that if I just had most of the adversity removed and the circumstances line up the way I want them to in my life, that I'd be able to reverse my mental state and be happy at least most of the time.
I've had a similar "leaky bucket" conversation with my husband, but it's always had the connotation that it's a character flaw and something I have control over and need to fix, and it's so frustrating that I don't seem to be able to do that, no matter how much I want to. I feel like I'm always missing some key piece or ingredient to make it happen.
Have your husband watch this video. How unkind of him to make you feel flawed and inadequate.
Thank you so much! I always feel like you are talking directly to me!!
OMG I’m a 75 yr old woman who identifies with EVERY aspect of this video. I too became a mental health therapist when I started figuring all this stuff out about myself. I love your insights! Thank you!
Dr Scott you are the only man that ever made since to talk about mental health so good at getting to the point across wish i could talk face to face God bless you for everything ❤🌹👍
Your insight and wisdom speaks to me. I would lament that I could not remain happy in the good life that I have. I have told my children that an exclamation point in a text message is the most excited they will ever see me. I have learned to be content rather than joyful and happy. Content and contemplative are my two buckets that hold the most content. Thank you so much for all the work and honesty you put into your videos. I have your book and am reading it now. I was afraid my highlighter would run out of ink in the first 20 pages! 😊
Life has a way of dealing some serious blows to peoples lives which obviously affects our mental health. For some of us, we carry some deep scars on our hearts. Happiness is great, not opposed to it, but I'd rather simply be REAL. Real about the realities of human existence. That has kept me alive through some very dark moments in life.
I love your videos Doc. They are so helpful to me and I try to enlighten everyone with them.
I am so, so grateful for these videos. I can't even explain to you how much I need them right now. God bless you and your family for saving me when I most needed it.
You are a legend sir.
I am the same, I did some very questionable things just to feel joy. It's so hard being like this. It reassures me that I am not the only one
I have been cynical my whole life. Then I lost my 14 year old son. Imagine me now 😢
Oh no 😢
I'm so sorry. The greatest thing this YT channel has made me realize is that I am the way who I am and must always remind myself that and accept it. I'm to hard on myself when in reality I won't change
🙏🏼
❤
The mistake we make as humans is to look to the outside to find permanent happy feelings. Most or all philosophies will point out that contentment can only be found within yourself for example the practice of gratitude, love & beauty & experiencing the present moment & with awareness of your thoughts & thought processes.
Without practicing these things we’re hoping for superficial things to make us happy.
Omg man, 8:10 or so is me too! It explains so much. Well it doesn't explain it per se, but it makes it easier to accept you know.
Definitely accepting that has helped. And hearing Scott say this too makes accepting it easier still.
Find some joy sometimes, otherwise just live life as best as possible.
Hey ! Acceptance without judgement…..that is part of Buddhism ! I did watch it to the end Scott ! Thanks
I remember having my first existential crisis around age 7-8. Almost half a century now and I’ve been fighting depression for as long as I can remember. I really needed to see this. Thank you for sharing!
TY! I really needed this. I’m positive but, not a joyful person. I, as you, find more in giving than receiving , and this fulfills me. Your experience gives me permission to allow my true self to be who I am, and not what I think I should be. Freeing.🥰
I love this! There are different kinds of "ok"
I have been watching more and more of your videos lately because they seem to be the only thing that makes me feel less sad and futile. I really need to get to that point of complete acceptance without any judgement or feeling less than because I am so incredibly tired of crying and feeling so sad and alone. I also feel like I used up so much energy trying to fight it and find “the key to happiness “ that I’m drained, on all levels.
I was having a really rough day and thankfully the algorithm is working for me today by recommending this video. Still a rough day, but I’ve taken a few deep breaths which I’ve realized I haven’t done an awhile so thank you for this. I’m going to try putting my efforts into wearing these “new clothes “ for awhile and see if it helps. Alleviate all the self hate for not being able to crack the code. 😢😊🙃
It is so interesting that some people belong to the exact the same category and experience the life exact same way. I was struggling to figure out what was wrong with me, why joy is lacking in me even though i am having a decent life. Now i get it. Thank you for another great video. As you mentioned, help and achievement buckets have smaller hole in me also. Rediscovering myself and learning new skills makes me feel good.
I get what you are saying, Dr. Scott. The thing is, after 35 years of not feeling joy and doing everything I can to try to feel satisfaction in other ways, I can no longer accept this.
I just found you a few weeks ago and I just want to say thanks. Every video seems like the most important lesson I've heard in a long time and Ive been making progress in ways I wouldnt have dreamed of a year ago. But dont get disheartened reading this is you dont feel like youre progressing. Ive been in recovery for almost 2 years now so Ive had a lot of progress before finding this channel and it HAS been hard work. I can say that all of these little things are both the easiest suggestions to implement and also the most beneficial in the long term. Keep at it, folks!
aah finally somebody had the guts to say these. thank you Scott 🙏
You just broke my brain in a good way. The amount of demonization I’ve received because my depression brain works differently. Ppl who loved me have left so the amount of shame piled high stopped me from living my life for 7 years.
I refuse to hate my way of existing in a tremendously difficult world anymore. I know I process emotions differently than others so I’m not going to be just anyone’s cup of tea.
If I’m too ‘toxic’ for being real then move along. I don’t feel toxic when I’m not being quietly judged and expected to change all the time. There is freedom in understanding and accepting.
knowing you read these comments... I just want to say you're my favourite therapist ever. I just love your transparency, how relatable you are. That being said, I'd love that you talk about how now everyone is saying everything happens or is due to the state of the nervous system, cause this turned to be pretty true for me
You are the first person that talks about an idea I have about human beings; we have a core base of who each one of us is and most emotions, if not all, are temporary bursts of fuel in our system. No one can remain happy for an extended period of time in the same way no one can remain angry or scared unless faced with extraordinary circumstances that ignite the physical reaction to those feelings. But each one of us has an emotional base that remains constant. Some people tend to be funny, others skeptical, others serious etc and that base is tied to specific emotions.
I'm so happy to be considered normal.
I know you'll never see this but you really are a life saver (no pressure lol). You have such a gift for reaching people and with your own personal history you know what's actually going on in our heads. Thank you thank you thank you!
Thank you for making sense of these challenging aspects of existence. You really do help.
this made for a happy moment
Scott
yr most insightful presentation to date
'being happy' is not quite the same as 'experiencing happiness'
'being' implies a steady state...
days months years, whatever...
and I think there's quite a profound difference between 'not happy'...
and 'unhappy'
unhappy is a very loaded term, at least in the culture I inhabit (english speaking westerner)
I am often 'not happy'
eg concentrating on a work problem, checking my bank account, mowing the lawn, brushing my teeth etc etc etc
but at the same time, I am not 'unhappy' as such
I am simply 'not happy', I am just somewhere else
english speaking westerners generally seem to be inclined to expect to 'be happy' quite a lot of the time
Which I find perplexing....
and increasingly so since the 1950s
as technology, communications, life expectancy, leisure time, personal affluence, lifespan
etc continued to increase at exponential rates
in the contemporary parlance, 'being happy' simply is not sustainable
and is the exception rather than the rule
Dude, I'm so glad I found your channel. You and a handful of other youtubers have really helped me find a better quality of life, and I can't thank you enough.
Feelings fluctuate and evil tries to play on them.
You speak in such a relatable way. Can’t thank you enough for your channel. I forward your videos to my adult children because they seem to struggle with many of these things. SO SO glad to hear that we or ok not being like all the faces we see on social media, advertising, etc. because that’s the lie we get fed constantly.
Your videos have been such a gift to me. This one the biggest gift of all.
Again very helpful. I experience guilt for not feeling happier. Time to accept my usual state of mind and let go of the guilt.
Good video. I used to feel ok, I think, when was younger. Lately I feel like I’m losing it entirely.
You're awesome. I recommend you to everyone ❤
"Everything is going to be OK in the End.And if its Not OK,it's not the END."😢
My bucket that I struggle with is anxiety. It seems like I have never been able to manage my anxiety, and I have had lots of people shame me for it. I've beaten myself up over it too, causing even more anxiety. I am never going to not be anxious and that is OK!!!
This video just came up on my feed and I’m only a couple of minutes in, but for some reason, I just feel such relief hearing that it’s OK to not be OK or to never be OK. Or whatever myself or others once considered “ok”. Someone finally said it and gets me! I have not been OK for almost 7 years now since my partner of 26 years and the father of my children passed away. As if that weren’t enough, I lost my home, many other loved ones have passed, debilitating car accident, lost my job, I could go on. Sort of like a domino effect. Anyway, thanks for your message. I say this and I haven’t even watched the full video yet so off I go.
Thank you. I definitely relate to this video and it’s wonderful to hear that this condition doesn’t have to mean my life is flawed/lacking/low key ruined. ❤
I thought I used to be ok, then I lost my Dad, who was my anchor. Then I lost my sister and have since felt a void, and I am fearful. Thanks Dr. Scott, much love to all here ❤💛
Man....a billion thanks :)
You're maybe just the only psychologist saying this. It's a vicious cycle maintained by doctors, in my experience.
All the time I've received same "poisonous advice" from psychiatrists and psychologists: if you keep taking your medication or go to therapy sessions
you'll be like you were before - happy again.
And all of this time I taught it's something that I'm doing wrong, because I've have never been the same, like I was before.
Slowly I realized this by myself, and with the help of your book. Thanks :)
Thank you so much. I thought I was alone. Many other people experience joy consistently, and I always thought that something was wrong with me. I don't feel so lonely anymore.
I relate so 💪 to this, but I was born with fire 🔥 and optimism in the most abusive and adverse of upbringings. But, by early adolescence my fight and natural disposition toward optimism was stolen and i don’t know whether to grieve properly for my “natural disposition”, and what was taken or to accept defeat that this life has killed the dreams I dreamed. 😢
First, thank you so much for your podcasts! I finally found someone I can identify with and who can speak about so many things I relate to. This one especially, that I can feel validated and comfortable with my true self and that it’s ok to not be happy all the time, and life can still be good that way.