Why We Don't Really Want to be Nice
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- Опубліковано 29 лис 2016
- Being ‘nice’ sounds a bit eerie and strange. It shouldn’t really.
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“Setting out to try to become a nicer person sounds like a deeply colourless and dispiriting ambition. In theory, we love niceness of course, but in practice, there appears to be something embarrassingly anodyne, meek, tedious and even sexless about the concept. A nice person sounds like something we would try to be only once every other more arduous and more rewarding alternative had failed...”
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we shouldn't mistake kindness for weakness.
It's ingrained in us. Even in my culture.
I think it depends on the motivation of the person being kind. If I do something nice for someone only to make them think that I'm a good person I would judge that as a weakness. I don't think my self-esteem should be based on other people.
On the other hand, if I do something nice for another person because I see that they need my help and I genuinely want to make their life easier I would judge that as a mark of empathy. And empathy is a sign of great moral strength.
The trouble is it's sometimes hard to tell these two apart. I think for the majority of people it's a little of both.
Hermin Lionel right, I was going to say it is a little of both. This may be why we sometimes are afraid to be ourselves. We don't want to appear as a pleaser, but also don't want to be taken advantage of for being real. I want to make their life better to see them happy, especially if they are and have been generous towards me, and at the same time we all want to be liked, fit in, and be admired too. We have a need to validate one another's realities. People that act as if they don't need this validation and reciprocity are usually true sociopaths or in denial.
ADU Aquascaping Very true. You make a lot of good points.
I wasn't trying to say that validation is a bad thing. Just that if that is the ONLY reason you are doing something, then you might have to re-evaluate your motivation. But then again, it's not usually that black and white.
We shouldn't mistake weakness for kindness
I used to be overly nice but when you're overly nice people will often step on you or use you. It's important to be nice but you should also be able to stand up for your self and to be able to be selfish when it's appropriate. I think everything virtue needs balance.
I'm not overly nice, but in the work place I tend to just do things others don't want to do. Because drama isn't worth it, and I'm not too lazy to do the grunt work. But coworkers tend to assume that along with my social awkwardness that I am weak in the sense of letting people walk over me. I'm "weak" in that I don't know how to socialize, but if I am being walked on or people just being outright rude to me I'm going to say something.
It's funny when this has happened in the past. Because then instead of people thinking you're weak and insecure, too shy to talk to them, you start to get the impression that they think you are arrogant and "too good" to talk or socialize with them.
I agree with that statement wholey. I like how you use the word balance, because, like you, I have struggled with trying to be nice to everyone and I also have been used because of it. Being nice also seems to mean equally that we are tender and sensitive creatures. However, there are people out there that will use our sensitivity to their advantage and will use it to make their lives feel better without regards to how we feel about it. I hear a lot about being more assertive, about saying No to people, but I still struggle with it even at 22 years old. I also am sad that our culture tries to teach us that being nice is boring or stupid. It's been ingrained into us that we can't be nice and have what we want which isn't true.
AS so true! and balance is a virtue in itself ...cheers
use that as a weapon
Agreed
There’s a difference between being nice and having healthy personal boundaries.
And I always get anxious that I cross those boundaries
This right here ☝️
And codependency... Been in denial and it's unfortunate how that's affected my life!
You can only be truly nice when you can set healthy boundaries.
Facts
"Be arrogant with arrogant people; this is the only language they respect, as they confound kindness with weakness" - Paulo Coelho
So be true to arrogant people and be fake to the nice ones. Good going😂
romanticism really did number on our society..
Yeah. It was the product of an overly conservative society, so in retaliation it went the complete opposite direction.
+Βουλγαροκτόνος1014 all these movements create their anti counterpart. i guess thats nature.
So did Classicism, to be fair. All philosophies have their strengths and weaknesses.
the only thing is... classicists are the minority these days... And as SOL rightly pointed, we need to look back to see if there is anything we should learn from classicism... (We actually are in a middle of a cultural movement, if you want to be epic...)
Yeah.
Because people take advantage of that sometimes.
So learn when to be nice and when to be fair and dont regress back to infancy .
Yep. Be nice, don't be a pushover.
+WaffleAbuser I'm a pushover and nothing good has happened so far.
WaffleAbuser Dont be nice.
Learn what is appropriate in each situation.
Be polite until you have a good understanding of who you are dealing.
No need for drama or confrontation either. Dont hang around toxic people. They are not worth anyones time.
johno doh
"Learn what is appropriate in each situation."
That's exactly what I meant.
WaffleAbuser Dont blame me,you said be nice :P
"Being nice for a prize isn't being nice at all"
-Mat Meese
Love the old Studio C crew
niceness is fake-ness. nice is something you HAVE to be. "be nice to your sister", "be nice to the opposition".
KINDNESS is what you are. kindness is intuitive and genuine.
don't be nice.
Meanwhile your profile pic 😂
dunnow about you but my KINDNESS is a privilege you have to earn. whereas my nice-ness is simply a right.
Elliot Hulse words...
Naaa it's only fake-ness if you are naturally a shitty person with bad intentions, judgements, and bitter will toward others. And MOST people are that so it APPEARS fake in a world dominated by attitude. Shitty people envy genuinely nice people for obvious reasons. 😜
It almost the Samething tho lol.
being nice is one of those things that is hard and easy at the same time.
Being nice is easier than being yourself.
Hououin Kyouma Not genuinely
Hououin Kyouma what do you mean?
Well I'm naturally nice. still all I'm saying is it doesn't mean it's easy.
I'm hard and easy ;)
I don't mind being nice. As long as you're truthful as well. And being truthful doesn't mean being rude either.
Yes, it does
How so?
David Hutchinson it's all very subjective but surely tough love is.
Being honesty and being nice to those that deserve it is admirable.
That said narssasism,hubis & apoty are on the rise..most likely because of increased use of "social media" etc etc..needless to say the result isn't good.
Be kind, not nice.
Personally, I like being nice. I like seeing other people do well and be happy. I've helped people whose names I don't know. I've helped people for whom, no one knows I've helped. It means very little to me what vapid, empty meathbags think of me when I'm nice. I do it, because if I don't... I'll go fucking mad... Because the world at it's heart... is just a machine that grinds humans up for progress and I would like to think... that magic still exists.. and that's what kindness is... It's the input a system cannot parse... and that idea alone, for me, makes being kind worth it... It can't be properly predicted and measured and is often sneered away as self interest... when it's much purer than that... For me, kindness is anarchy.. If EVERYONE were kind... no one would recognize the world we live in... and that's the best part... Being kind, for me, is a revolutionary act.. In world of cynical competition driven by ambition, kindness is a subversive act.. and it's beautiful... and selflessness literally breaks the system..
Well said, lets break the system. :-)
I LOVE you and your comment, and i think the same.
But i have 2 faces ( sadly ). When im kind with people ( i LOVE It ) they destroys me. When im bad, they respect me, girls pay attention, etc.. i hate this but is real
ShinEmperor wow
@@Jesus-ve4io that's because you give a wrong meaning to the word bad, other people expect you to respect yourself and put limit when they are too stupid to put them themselves that forces respect and bring love to you but that's not bad that's all good that's being nice to yourself ;)
The most "gangsta" thing one can do is love someone.
As Dalton would say, "Be nice, until it's time to not be nice."
"Road House!"
- Peter Griffin.
ROADHOUSE!!
I know this may be a meaningless distinction, but I tend to think of 'niceness' as a formality - or a performance toward others, whereas kindness has more to do with intention.
For example, it's usually easy to be nice to a family member we dislike, or a friend of a friend we've just met - we act nicely toward them mostly to avoid confrontation or discomfort.
When we're kind to someone, it tends to be less about how the other person may react to us, and more to do with caring about their wellbeing.
These are just my thoughts, but in this sense, I hope I can become a kinder person.
Josh Wi love that
That's pretty profound
Exactly and Jesus was kind not nice,he wouldn’t of ended up nailed on a cross if he was a nice guy
Very true
Josh Wi I definitely agree! I’ve always thought the same thing
I can't overstate how much I appreciate the ideas you refine and put into videos
Same thought here :)
"Nice" - the MOST unflattering compliment you'll ever receive
Haha so true
I’ll take it ☺️
Still better than being called an a..h..e, I guess
Or it doesn't matter anyway what people thing about you
"Virtues in excess, turn into flaws" Moderation!
Im starting to think that the School of life writers are really into BDSM
Practices we call BDSM are in fact entirely mainstream.
Global/statistical or on a personal level?
The School of Life soooo... You're not denying that? I mean, I'm certainly not judging. No kink shaming here!
I will visit School of live place in London. Maybe there im able to find a woman that understand the paradoxes of life and relations XD
nothin' wrong with kinky!
I think that people that are always nice are not necessarily liked because they may appear to others as dishonest. They might be seen as cold and fake, even if they actually are simply considerate of others. I think that this suspicion about nice people stems from the fact that we rarely meet genuinely nice people.
no its cuz people love narcissistic assholes, they find them interesting and nice people boring
@@corsicanlulu interesting
Or maybe that we aren't so genuine ourselves.......
Mozart distracted me, I have to watch it again!
Exactly
What the bloody fuck is a back ground music doing in an informative video ?
I think the question should be whether or no the background music was too loud in this video...
Then chopin!
I know right! I wanted to analyze both and I ended up only analyzing the music
That just made it better tho
Usually when I try doing something nice it ends up in a really awkward moment, so I simply try not to socialize and...
damn that's actually depressing.
legend has it, if you're early, the school of life will reply
They will!
The School of Life but, but what about all that shit about the nice man!?
Can you make a video on Erich Fromm yet? You said yes to me like a year ago.
Yоu'll evеn disсovеr whу men don't listеn AND a simplеteеchnique yоu cаn use ТОDAY thаt will hаvе him neаrlyhаnging оn your еvеrу wоrd => twitter.com/daedde27a0f187927/status/804693412402241537 Why Weеe Don t Rеаlly Wаnt to bе Niсe
Human beings are multifaceted. It's possible to be nice and assertive at the same time. I'm very kind to people, but I don't behave in a way that would betray my values for the sake of being "nice".
Also, in the context of dating, the idea that nice guys finish last is a myth - any person who is attracted to an ass is likely not worth the trouble. All social animals have adapted to have a strong sense of fairness; e.g.the strategy of Tit for Tat. There is a healthy balance between being nice and assertive. To go too far in either direction is a mistake that will lead to people taking advantage of you, or resenting you.
I like you already :)
Micah Buzan, not worth the trouble but likely hot
@Micah Buzan
Nicely stated. No pun intended.
+David Craig And her being hot is THAT important to you? Well, go ahead then.
Kind of makes you rethink how nice the "nice guys" really are, huh.
Being nice has never been mutually exclusive from being creative, interesting, entertaining or successful. The thing that truly boosts imagination, charisma and magnetism is a profound, confident sense of personal identity. If one has this, people are often crazily attracted to them on multiple levels. The ones who are unique and truly themselves tend to be emulated by those who are still searching to learn who they are.
*I AM CONVINCED THAT THE SCHOOL OF LIFE STAFF ARE OBSESSED WITH BONDAGE AND SUBMISSION*
Why? 😂
Very often as internal references in their videos...
HAHAHAHAHA
"The things we admire in men, kindness and generosity, openness, honesty, understanding and feeling are the concomitants of failure in our system. And those traits we detest, sharpness, greed, acquisitiveness, meanness, egotism and self-interest are the traits of success. And while men admire the quality of the first they love the produce of the second." - John Steinbeck
Louis Davies Beautiful!
yup!
Louis Davies but the produce of the latter is not exactly genuine and permanent, so wise people should choose the former.
eL whYwhY permanent as in not always stuck but you have a sense of completeness anytime after you think of it.
It was relevant once now sustaining balance is more important than waging wars and conquering led us to degradation of Earth and culture.
Being nice is pretty easy for me ( because that's all I really do ) , but when I think about it , It kinda sucks being nice , mainly because people can take advantage of it , or you'll probably end up becoming a "Boring" person to others . The video is great by the way :D
same
:D thx ppl
You need to find a way to meet more people - there's nice people out there that would love to hang with you, don't waste your time battling other people's demons.
You're not boring
Martin Baez nice is not boring, it is exciting and exotic specifically because it is so uncommon. find better people to hang out with who will appreciate how well you treat others rather than demean you for it. I wish I could meet a truly nice person.
Being Nice and being sacrificial is the best virtue, success is subjective too, when one finds something much bigger than mere money and power then the fear of being nice is gone and also then being nice is actually being true yourselves. This whole concept of being nice is very liberating and beautiful.
It's my third month in Nepal. People here, all of them, are REALLY, SINCERELY, ALWAYS warm, kind and nice. Come and see
Nice is useless until everyone is not nice to you.
wang ray That is a very unlikely scenario that does not make sense. Why would everyone else wanna be mean to someone who's nice? I understand there are always a couple bad apples but everyone?
Or they just take advantage of you, because you're part of the background.
You read his comment wrong dude just read it again.
What he's saying is that the people who claim "Nice doesn't get ahead" are usually more reliant on people being nice to them than they realize.
wang ray very true. I lost all my friends and started kissing up to everyone I met. Then once I got nice friends I was lucky to realize how much of a dick I was being. So I'm being nice to my friends by not hanging out with them. Oh geez wtf is life.
wonderful! well done! SOL really, you put together some excellent content that explains a lot of social behavior. Love how you put things together so eloquently.
Thanks!
The School of Life Hello, I just wanted to ask one question, how does modern-day feminism add to this demonization of nice people? For eg., a generally nice person may after being nice for a long time, develop feeling for someone and if they get rejected and search for a reason for their rejection, they find none except the intrinsic niceness. But feminists call that passive-aggressive, manipulative and misogynistic, something I don't quite understand? On the other hand, a person can use niceness as means to woo someone, because that's probably one of the basic necessities of human interaction (or was in the past). I would love it if you consider this question, because I'm so very confused that I fail to understand how I should change who I am to become someone not ostracized so many times.
Feminism doesn't add to the demonization of nice people, so the question does not beg for consideration. Only an alien pretending to be human thinks reason for the rejection is their intrinsic niceness. It's because people feel differently. No one calls it manipulative and passive-aggressive unless you started being nice with the intent to get involved in a relationship. This is different from wooing/dating because in those case both parties are aware of the fact that there is a possibility for a romantic relationship. But if you're just nice because you expect the person to fall in love with you, then it's manipulative and deplorable since the object of your desire confides in you like they wouldn't with people they date, but they are under the impression that you just want to be friends. So by hiding your intentions you are abusing the trust of your friend.
Other Pill
who is the you who'll change you?
Stefan B. Thank you for referring to the 'dating scene'. The thing is, this dating culture is a very new acquisition from the West in my country, India. Here, it has always been a specific way, in which the tone of relationship is set initially through friendship (knowing each other), then the passive hinting of romantic relationships and so on. That's where the problem is. Even the women could feel it, but western media have confused our minds. In modern India, if one outright claims to have a relationship, he will be rejected, ridiculed and even called a pervert (since they don't know them well), but on the other hand, there's the delicate balance where you should drop the romantic hint at a specific period of friendship so that you don't forever become a friend. Over all this, because of Western feminism coming in, the women here have started blaming it on manipulation and other things, when actually it's just the way we are taught, and the dating scene being it's difficult to understand. Personally, I don't understand what's going on.
I think Christianity has more to do with being good than being nice.
Jesus wasn't nice to the temple merchants, and the apostles didn't mince words when things needed to be said.
The truth is that sometimes you also have to show your tough side, even if you are a nice person. I'm a very nice guy, but sometimes I show people who's boss when I have to.
Exactly, this video is theologically incorrect
Shut up, your religion is a scam
Please dont miss the point of the video. I guess everybody knows the basic plot of the bible. The point isnt that jesus was super nice all the time it's that he got screwed at the end.
@@MrJ691 ooohh an edgy atheist
Recently discovered this channel, every video I watch it's like they're reading my mind. Feels good to know there are a load of others with similar beliefs built on similar foundations, quite cathartic.
Take into consideration, just because you are nice it doesn't mean you are not boring, broke or unsexy.
Niceness is a virtue indeed, but not the only one. Try to up your game too.
wow this was very interesting and true,my favorite part was that"we can be nice and successful"
thumbs up school of life (:
Ibrahim Ali so so hopefull... ahhh hahaha :)
Adalberto Rojas what??
no really i tried to say that with just 10 % sarcasm but yeah the rest 99% i meant with the intention manifesting that i had the same feeling as you.
Adalberto Rojas okay
Adalberto Rojas hopeful**
THE CONCLUSION IS BRILLIANT, watch till the end
I hated how bland and well-mannered and orderly my life has been up until now, but watching these videos make me realize that this may have been a blessing.
A helpful perspective to our modern obsession with assholes. Personally I prefer courtesy to nicety. Courtesy allows me to choose when to express nicety, or when not to.
As someone who describes themselves as a nice person I would like to say thank you for making this video. When I was younger I always feared having to give up being nice to be successful in life but this video gives a great explanation why.
Thank you Trey.
I think another way of seeing it is that people could potentially feel uncomfortable displaying kindness or niceness because of *fear of intimacy and of people's expectations.* A fear of intimacy isn't all that uncommon, which I think really stems from a fear of rejection. Now, if you have a fragile sense of self, an "I will let people down" attitude doesn't seem to be all that uncommon, so I think insecure people might avoid being nice and instead take on a roll of arrogance in order to not feel like they're "fooling" anyone. In a way they're trying to let people down instantly instead of dragging it out and turning it into a long, painful process. That way they also get rid of any pressure they might feel as a result of people's expectations of them.
"If I'm kind people are going to expect that of me in the future. Wow, they're gonna be so let down when they realise that I'm an asshole".
That kinda thing.
If you are nice to your own values, wants and needs first - it’s easier to project niceness upon others, be empathetic, and here more about them on a deeper basis than what you hear and see on the surface.
Being nice is sometimes helpful to being successful.
Being nice often means being inauthentic. People spend the day wearing the mask of the charming individual, and at the end of the day it is nice to take it off and really let our authentic selves out. That is for people who are afraid to be authentic in public. For people who are not afraid to be genuine, they become the main characters in the world around them, whereas people who stay in line blend into the scenery. If a person wants to live a life free of drama, be nice. For a person who wants to gain insight into who they really are, be authentic.
Qaedtg H - School of Life have a video on that false politeness/niceness too.
We need to be civil to function in daily interactions.
Thanks again SOL!! My own niceness in life has often ended up as a barrier making it hard for me to grow truly close and intimate with others - a "safe distance". This message helps me understand how to preserve the positive qualities of niceness while not being ashamed or too meek. Really, I appreciate your support SOL!
I was once told I would too nice. Imagine that.
I just love it at how witty the School of Life responds.
We do our best !
keep it up, theres a lot of years of painful self honesty to get to these ideas
I notice a lot that people who want to stand out are almost never actually nice to fellow humans. That's strange to me, why do I have to be rude to be original?
I don't care tbh if you stand out because you’re a complete asshole then it’s meaningless
I'm introverted and nice to people, so that means I keep to myself and am alone a lot, but when I do interact, I try to be nice.
It's hard to be nice when you feel bad.
But when you do things to feel good then that takes away from time to be nice.
There has to be some times where you're not nice.
Being nice is an essential thing for living in a society with other people. It's essential in order to appear sympathetic, and connect with people. It can also sometimes feel rewarding to the person being nice. However, niceness is a tool, not an end in and of itself. If you do people too many favors without receiving enough in return, you wear yourself out for nothing, because people will rarely appreciate and reward you for all your hard work. Niceness should not be your main goal in life, but it should be part of your life.
Agreed.
And what should the main goal be? If only yourself can answer such, then there honestly isn't one and we just tell ourselves what is best for us to survive when we don't even know why we have to.
Honestly this has been one of the most mind-blowing videos I have ever seen. It has really made me re-assess the way I even look at life. I feel like my vision of the world has been skewed by the negative associations I make to niceness.
One question for this whole video and idea.
"What IS success?"
Thank you, I needed this. This is so true. I get verbally abused because I am so nice. I get laughed at because I am so nice. It sucks because I don't know how to not keep a positive or happy energy, usually those who get upset at me because I am happy are the ones who are normally miserable, but I just feel like I am the type of person who wants to make everyone happy even if they aren't because I know I'm not happy but I still keep a positive attitude. It sucks sometimes I wish I was the kind of person who can hold a grudge, just so I wouldn't be so nice and forgiving. I don't know, maybe I'm just being kind and nice to the wrong people. I just pray 🙏 that I can protect my energy from all negativity and those who don't want to be kind because honestly I don't want to change my kindness because of anyone. There are people who deserve my kindness. I just wish the people who didn't could just leave my life.
I'm confused about myself now. I have always tried my best to be nice and now I feel like I should try to balance it out.
WishingPole My advice is to be honest but respectful and compassionate. Sometimes a lack of honesty is more nice than direct truthful approaches - and actually kind if you are sparing someone’s feelings and have good reasonable intent. “Nice” seems to me how we are trying to be perceived as opposed to caring about the consequences of our actions. Malicious is not the opposite of nice, right?
Being Nice is not a big deal tho just take it easy😃
you should definitively be nice to you and others when they deserve it ;)
The questions is... If niceness is so important why those 'ideologies' try to kill it?
Facetiousness.
I think the point is that they knock niceness down a peg so that when the other things are essential (romance, self-interest, etc) they deflate the argument that you have to be nice instead. But the idea any of these traits can replace niceness entirely is dumb.
Is it important ? What makes you think that ?
Obedience is important and that has nothing to do with niceness.
I don't think anyone actually tries to kill niceness on purpose - maybe if most people would be nice they'd stick together more and that would bring an end to civilization as we know it, but that's a bit far fetched..
However people's fears and insecurities do tend to kill niceness; if you look around, you'll see that most people that have a safe strong position in life tend to be nice (I'm talking here about people that already achieved a lot of what they wanted to achieve in life - of course some of them are still a-holes but that's maybe because they either still have many skeletons in the closet or they're just born to be bad).
danel elendil what i think doesn't matter, t the video suggests that
I feel that the main problem is confusion not the state of being amicable. "Niceness" not only has various meanings depending on the context, but breathes an air of mediocrity. It may have meant something concrete at one point in history, but no longer does. Perhaps we should not confuse niceness with charity, manners, and other attractive virtues.
Those of us (me included) who allow other to take advantage, only do so because we gain something. Either we seek respect or love, we enjoy being miserable (counter-intuitive, I know) or imagine that we will be owed something in the near or distant future. Obviously this is not the case, especially if you have taken advantage of a nice person before.
It's OK to be nice, but not so nice that people begin to take advantage of you. You need to have strong personal boundaries and assert yourself. Fulfilling your needs is important as well. Overly nice people lack boundaries and allow others to use them. Asserting yourself is very important, because when you're too nice for your own good, it leads to resentment. Don't be so nice that people start to take advantage of your niceness and use your good nature against you.
The only time it pays to be nice is when you know for a fact that the person you're being nice too is a decent human being will return the kindness you show them. On the other hand, it took me being used and abused many times to figure out that if you go around being nice to everyone, eventually you'll be nice to a person who will take your kindness for weakness and fuck you over. This betrayal can come in the form of thievery, unfaithfulness, verbal abuse, physical abuse...you name it, they do it to you. Being nice as a default to everyone is foolish.
diegobrown19
Very true! However, being nice to people is different than trusting people. For example, I'm friendly with others and I do the right thing if it absolutely a-must in order to save them...but I'm very closed off personally and very few people actually know the real me, the few people I actually trust
diegobrown19 this is kind of the Christianity portrait of nice and generous. you should be nice to everyone, especially with people who don't give back the favor because the lasts will be the firsts. but if you don't believe in a paradise award on heaven then it looks stupid because there is no advantage in being nice. what makes the difference is the reason why you want to be nice because generosity means that there is no looking for advantages
Thanongrit Suriyarungka I think good people are the minority. I also think that even the most kind and loving people you come across have some kind of negativity brewing in them just waiting to be let out on the right person. I don't think anyone is free of evil or sin. I just learned to never expect good from anyone anymore this way I wont be disappointed when they disappoint me. On the opposite end of my negative spectrum since I never expect good from anyone I'm always pleasantly surprised when I come across a person I feel is genuinely good, kind, generous, etc... Also I'm of the agnostic variety so heaven to me is not something I believe in. I believe that we do need advantages in life and that we must take them sometimes. Like a starving child who steals an apple, I wouldn't consider him bad because he stole I would just see it as him trying to survive.
Have you guys ever considered doing a video on the downsides of success or perhaps more importantly why its okay not to want to be "Successful". Like I am one of those folks who just wants to cover bills and then is fine living a life full of love and lust and joy.
Ah yes, we made such a film. It's called IN PRAISE OF THE QUIET LIFE.
Oh yeah I remember that one now. Man I have watched so many of your videos I am starting to forget some.
One day, you'll be like XKCD, always having a relevant video for any topic.
I guess what Poly meant exactly were successful in the sense of societal perception of success, especially in a capitalistic society like USA and much of the Europe people only define success with the material wealth and social status in society--instead of personal happiness and fulfillment.
@potallegta: Yes this is the definition I was going for. Like I have an ex who wanted a job for money and wanted more and more money and it brought us to ruination. Its just nice to be reminded that Success is not all that matters.
I find it hard to be nice at times... yet at the same time it's all I can ever do. I hate hurting people's feelings, yet I'm honest enough to get me in trouble.
It comes at the cost of assertiveness though. I struggle with assertiveness more than anything.. because I'm too nice. Then I decided to be assertive and became an asshole. Then I got depressed and lost everyone.. and now I'm neither. Metaphorically and perhaps literally in some ways I just smile and nod not knowing what to say. I go about life, just living day by day.
I'm very lonely.. yet being around people is just.. so draining. People wanna hang with me yet it makes me feel more lonely most of the time. I guess nice guys really do finish last...
You just need to smash up your ego my friend. I know this was years ago but I hope you snapped out of it.
@@barniestormer6698 Sadly I feel it's more relevant than ever after re reading it. Kinda shocked actually. I'm just not sure how it's an ego thing because don't you have to have sorta high self esteem in order to have an ego? Cause I largely don't like myself.
@@Junokaii If you know what an ego actually is we all have them. Its not just another word for cocky, smart etc. Ego is your filter that decides quickly how to react to incoming information. When you reset it you allow new and maybe happier reactions. Self loathing is fine if healthy and in balance, invest in yourself, because there is always a way to change what you dont like. You are not stuck with it im saying.
@@barniestormer6698 Thank for this nice reply. And you're right. I haven't always been able to just accept when good things happen to me or to react better and in general think better. It's been a long hard journey my 20s have been and I'm praying to whatever higher power there might be that things will get better. Jumping on good opportunities and not letting the bad things in my life be bigger than they probably are.
@@Junokaii we get wiser with age. Keep smiling and as Bruce Lee would say be like water.
I didnt watch the video but I wanna say that being nice is important! Always be kind, while being assertive. Be considerate compassionate and non judgmental. It feels better than being mean. Treat others the way you want to be treated.
I think this is my favourite channel!
This is all an opinion though, right? It truly depends on your philosophy of life and what you think is best for you and the world. Because, your actions also depend on what kind of moral theorist you are. If you are a consequentialist (believing that only the ends/consequences matter when assessing morality), and you believe that fully expressing yourself most of the time leads to the greatest good for you and for everyone around you, as opposed to placing extensive effort into suppressing yourself (assuming you are not naturally a very nice person), then maybe that would be your own personal philosophy of life. I'm only saying this because I've seen people around me adopt this point of view, and they, in my opinion, still have the right intentions. The question lies in which is the best means to adequately demonstrate those intentions.
Thanks for this hugely interesting contribution.
+
Viktoriya Kovalchuk just an addition to your points. 'Only' minding consequences is in itself quite a broad philosophy as basically everything has consequences and thinking about all consequences is an impossible task that if possible, would make people become almost unidentifiable inactive grey blobs in their attempts to try to not offend or harm anyone. In that sense such a philosophy makes a valid point. All the more because people cannot avoid being selective in their perception of consequences. Nevertheless in doing so, and making certain assumptions about the world, we tend to miss a lot of the negative consequences that we did not intend. In that sense, not holding back does not have to be harmful, but doesn't have to be good either. It depends on whether or not people trust each other's good intentions and can handle it. Basically, the merits of not holding ourselves back depend also on whether or not others may respond with understanding, a sort of 'kindness' even if you may appear harmful. The point is, in the end all niceness or not holding back depends not just on what you do, but on everyone involved! Hence 'personal' philosophies aren't so personal or unambiguous as we might think. If we want a culture of not holding back, we almost inevitably also need a certain culture of niceness and understanding.
This assumes that being nice to people involves suppressing one's feelings though?
@@TheJaminross More importantly, it's also because we deem our feelings to be our authenticity. Which can be debatable at best.
I really appreciate this format, with movie scenes. Well done and thank you !
This was Nice ☺️ I’m 46 now- started my first business at 21 with the idea of being nice/ holistic lol I’m an Artist/ creator- it has been a worry that to be successful you couldn’t be- and I saw that in action. Many times I pondered - I figured well then I’ll be who I am and enjoy the success I have and not worry over the success of others☺️🙏 thank you for this video , it supported my internal ponderings .
I'm nice but sometimes I really regret it.
I don't know if I should like the video or dislike it.
then be nice and like it lol
We love that answer.
The School of Life why
LOL!!!!
"Just say NO", can be used in many of life's circumstances lest the malignant narcissists/sociopaths/psychopaths walk all over you! Anyone recovering from co-dependency knows that i.e. red flags, boundaries! Also, "Do unto others as they would do unto you"...the Golden Rule and "What goes around comes around"...the Universal law of attraction! "Mind your manners"! There are many time honored sayings that work and still ring true! Thanks for more great wisdom through the ages at Life University where we often times have to learn lessons the hard way, but well worth it!
this channel makes me feel very calm, relaxed, and sane....thanks
Also, I absolutely love the music you guys used in the background-- literally, every song.
Glad to hear that.
Is it just me or does this video not really go anywhere? It kinda starts on topic and then wanders off into the hills.
We're sorry about that. The piece has rigorous architecture. It looks at three causes of suspicion of niceness and rebuts them systematically. But it's our failure if you failed to see that. Apologies.
Don't be too apologetic that's a loser thing
*pun*
Don't be so nice about it, SOL, it's not very attractive. And the video is perfectly clear.
this video is absolutely beautiful and clear. it's your problem that you are looking for exact answers when this video's goal is to put ideas into perspective.
We're programmed by culture and media to think of 'being nice' in negative ways, but it's not how we really are.....did you watch the video??
I watched this 4 times, and then came back to see your Cynicism video. I think these two relate, we don't wanna be nice so we become cynical about belief, romance, ambitions and etoricism. I am 23 and have found out that the real struggle is, at least for us young adults, to balance our cynicism while being optimistic about those 4 currents. Thanks SOL!
Thank you. I really needed to be reminded of this.
Be nice only to those who deserve
Anton Arnaudov everyone deserves niceness, on some level.
New Age Retro Hippie nope
SuperNoone89 has the right idea
SuperNoone89 A lack of personal boundaries? Can you elaborate on that? Just curious, is all.
Anton Arnaudov that doesn't work in a workplace. believe me
0:53 oh look its me
Olcay
holy shit did Jesus Christ stood you up on a date or left you for best friend? lol
Olcay
holy shit did Jesus Christ stood you up on a date or left you for best friend? lol
Yeah, I said I'd tell you this if I got the chance. You should have stuck with carpentry.
People can never be indifferent when someone mentions Christ. A very powerful figure whether they like it or not.
azucenah villarroel
The exact same can be said of Hitler. What's your point?
Anger gets you everywhere.
Niceness, like all those "christmas card" qualities some harp on about, comes second to what's really important: self-acceptance or affirmation, the solid bedrock on which that kind of thing can genuinely be built. Without it, "niceness" is merely a smokescreen put up just to keep face with one's peers.
the long-awaited answer to friendzone
What if we all just started being nice, I don't want to live in a world where being nice is wrong so if you share my thoughts stay nice even if people say you shouldn't
Good morning and in case i don't see ya good afternoon good evening and goodnight everyone💙
Great like always! My humble opinion... I would add a 5th element to the list. The constant perception that all nice actions have hidden agendas.
Well said, I truly think niceness and self insight are inextricably intertwined.
Because like you said on the other video, nice people are secretly sexual deviants.
Fringes true very fuckin true lol
You just describe me lol.
I was hoping that you people would disagree. I guess, you are all nice people
Fringes president bitch of s korea
which video/?
I love these videos with cultural references and the ones with creative animation, both are so cool!!
It never ceases to surprise me how this guy brings in S&M to EVERYTHING.
Being nice because you think it is what's expected of you by society, or because you want people to like you, that's fake. But being kind and considerate to others because you have genuine feelings of kinship for your fellow human beings, that's real. You can't fake being a caring person.
I would really like to watch a video on the subject of ''Caring about what Others Think about You''
Is this video directed only at boys being nice/exiting towards girls? I'm a boy and I find it incredibly attractive when girls are nice to me.
EirikXL It so is
love you @theschooloflife for these amazing,easy to understand concepts ,beautifully compiled clips ,animations everthing about u guys are great!!thank you
That insert of Gordon-Levitt in "10 Things..." was too on point :D
You had some really good clips for this video. Nice work
Can you turn down the music a little for the next video? It distracts alot
I knew I recognized that voice from somewhere! Glad to see you are still making content, Mr. Botton.
Being nice and kind is a decision that requires strength and solid personality which shouldn't be mistaken by weakness or compared with success
These are gross simplifications, that ignore the subjective nature of the standards it's presenting. What constitutes success depends on what your goals are. What constitutes excitement depends on what interests you. What constitutes wealth depends on what you intend to use your resources for.
wow....that's one way to miss the point...
Kazuya Mishima yes, because insulting someone for disagreeing with you by grossly misrepresenting their beliefs, for example saying that they've failed because they don't share your priorities, is an excellent way to promote the virtues of kindness.
notoriouswhitemoth
Calm down a bit that's not what they were talking about...
Kazuya Mishima 1. I am quite calm, thank you. 2. "Christianity... suggested that there might be a fundamental opposition between being nice and being successful" is false. Rather, Christianity teaches that not every notion of success is necessarily a worthwhile pursuit. It doesn't teach that kindness will lead to failure, it teaches that if your idea of success requires being unkind, you might be better off reconsidering what constitutes success.
notoriouswhitemoth
We associate success generally with large bundles of money which due to the nature of competative capitalism requires you to think and act selfishly with every monetary decision you make. That sounds pretty un-christian to me. And as far as I can tell it's influencing our psyche in that direction aswell.
That said putting others needs before yours might seem like offering yourself for others exploitive nature thus setting them above you on the pecking order from that point of view. It's not that far fetched how these things might relate to one another in some peoples minds.
Awesome video topic, you guys rock! Here's what works for me. Be nice to nice people. If you have to deal with people that are not nice, be nice to them anyways. They probably need it more than you. And here's the "but" ... Never take shit from anyone! Being nice is not a weakness, actually takes inner strength to not punch idiots in the throat lol... Being a bully, looking down on others being a user and not a giver is a weakness of character. ~ Just a little happy thought for my day hahaha Have a hump'n day!!! PEACE OUT
I didn't expect such a profound lesson from this. I'm glad I clicked.
People are nice for a variety of reasons. Some want to just use you, some just want to make things easier for both parties, some are just naturally nice. Being nice (not a push over) would do everyone some good. Niceness is most certainly a social mechanism as a means of processing our existence in a much more convenient method for both parties as well as feeding the belief that said nice person is "doing good", but some just genuinely want to make others lives easier. Some are so nice they're absolutely submissive and are in fact not nice for the virtue but as a cover for their meekness. It really is interesting the more I think about it. Thanks for the video
I like be 👍🏾 nice. However, I don’t like the repercussion of being taken advantage of.
Could you please include all the background music in the description?
Xi Senki just google classical you'll find it eventually especially in top 10 lists lol
Xi Senki I know the first two mozart Turkish March and Chopin nocturne opus 9 no 2
Also Schubert "Serenade"
Mozart - Turkish March
Saint-Seans - Aquarium
(Don't know the one during part 3)
Chopin - Nocturne
Schubert - Serenade
Mozart Turkish March
1. Mozart. Rondo alla Turca - mvt. III of Piano sonata in A K331
2. Saint-Saëns. L'aquarium from Le carnaval des animaux
3. Chopin. Nocturne op.9 n°2
4. Wagner. Verwandlungsmusik from Das Rheingold
5. Schubert. Ständchen lied from Schwanengesang D957 arranged for cello and string orchestra
@TheSchoolofLife the way your videos span and align is just awesome...
However wrote the dialogue is some kind of genius. The way he pick and choose his words are Wonderful. Like eating chocolate for you're ears.