I had them all. I succeeded in a toxic society. I sacrificed myself to serve others (people pleaser). Now that I'm retired I'm trying to resuscitate my authentic self. I'm reconnecting with my inner child who I abandoned and neglected. Don't settle. We got this.
I am highly NOT Narcissistic. But am happy that I've reached the point of eroded empathy. Most people are only about themselves and fail to consider the needs of others so now I speak up to protect myself.
I thought I lost all my empathy after the narc but it turned out I just have boundaries now. Every sob story isn't my problem and I am not the doormat anymore. My boundaries have shocked more than the narc but also other people who just were taking advantage of me. 😊
Keeping it real with Doctor Ramani! She always addresses these sticky issues. So grateful she has the courage to do it. My gosh I wish I could have coffee with her (tea for her)!❤
If you have a fear of being like them: it's just an intrusive thought (although I know that these thoughts can cause a lot of anxiety and self-doubt..). Truly evil people fear of being caught, not of being evil.
I thought I was narcissist because I thought every time people got upset or any kind of reaction to what I did/said was about me. I made all reactions about me. They did X because I did Y. I've learned a lot with you (Dr. Ramani) and my therapist.
I've not lost empathy, but I have lost more patience and have zero tolerance for evil thieves, abusers, criminality in general, zero vileness.. None, zero.
I am an autistic person and one myth about autism is that we do not have empathy, but I have too much sometimes it is hard for me to go outside. I believe this is why I gave my ex chance after chance even if his anger was controlling our relationship. I still don't know if he is a narc, but he has many of the traits.
I finally figured out how to fight against narcissism without compromising my values of honesty, integrity, fairness, empathy, joy, compassion, caring, loving, being there for loved ones, decency, good faith, trusting, high standards for myself and others, productivity, discipline, courage, etc… The way to fight against them is to first use discernment to identify them, then I will have zero patience, give them zero chances, and have zero tolerance for them, in other words - be an adult. Give up on them permanently and without anything they could ever do to repair the relationship. We have to make narcissism NOT work for them! Thx! 👍❤
I allowed myself to become the victim & held on to it. I needed validation from others to recognize the severe mental & physical abuse I was experiencing. It did take alot of abuse for me to wake up & decide I deserved more in life. Today, after 28 years of freedom, I am grateful & proud of the awesome woman I am. I still make mistakes. Im human & flawed. I recognise my fragile weaknesses and habits. Now, I am not afraid to address them, try to change and forgive myself. I love my freedom to be me.
I keep score....might be the same as holding a grudge, it helps me with establishing patterns which is very useful when making decisions for my own self preservation.
Wow, this is Brilliant. "The great fear is: What if it IS me? What if I've complained about them, but it actually is me? And then this takes us to that complicated conversation about this so-called idea of "healthy narcissism", and you KNOW I do not love that term. I understand why people use it or say it, but there is really no version of low empathy, selfishness, entitlement, excessive need for praise, grandiosity, envy, arrogance, and taking advantage of other people that is ever going to be healthy. I think there's healthy ego. There's certainly healthy assertiveness. There are healthy boundaries; but that stuff is not narcissistic." I'm having trouble wrapping my head around the idea that these truths need to be stated. We've all experienced how, once in a blue moon, a narcissistic person will do something empathetic, or helpful, or insightful; but we KNOW that person has not changed. But if WE, once in a blue moon, do something narcissistic, we automatically question ourselves. It's about the number, frequency, and not owning of these traits that determines narcissism. "It is complicated and messy."
I must confess I’m so envious at how easy it is for the narc to self promote, where as I fail miserably at this! As an artist I really need to learn this, but finding it very difficult, even writing this was painful…geez & freez!
In the 1960s, before they had names for my disorders, my mother would say that I was vain, because I needed everything a certain way. For years, I carried this with me, thinking there was something wrong with me… But the reason why I needed everything a certain way was because I am on the spectrum with OCD. Many people are in denial about their psychiatric diagnoses, but I considered mine a gift. Without the criteria, I was going to end up just a crazy lady who needed everything a certain way.
Omg! Yes, lost empathy. I'm so angry, exhausted, more than 8 years solely responsible for narc mother. Life on hold. But I want to move forward. Everything Dr Ramani said here is so true.
The, since narcissistic people lack self-awareness, would they even recognize or question their own narcissism? I might be wrong, but if you have the ability to reflect on your own behavior and how it impacts others and actually care, then chances are high that you are not a narcissist.
After long listening to my parents, especially my mother, verbally shredding nearby people's physical traits (weight, hair, etc.), and growing to hate their smug judgemental-ness, I STILL silently critique people's appearances (Could she trowel on the makeup any thicker? Oh my god, does he really think that comb-over helps him?). Then I remember my parents did this loudly enough for ME to hear. The message was, you're not lovable unless you look right. My appearance remains very important to me, and for health issues, that can be good. But I know people have stories. Some women keep their weight up to avoid re-experiencing sexual predation from men; my dearest living friend has done this. So I've got the seeds, all right. I'm just keeping them to myself 'til I might get rid of them.
I get it! Today I saw the chocolate pillsbury dough boy standing at the bus stop. Yep I do that too. I also do it to myself and tell myself be nice!! 🐝 nice!!!
It is an anathema to growth. It's harmful destruction versus personal growth and attack on freedom. I want people to be themselves and find it disturbing they can't.
Thank you for posting this. Its so helpful. I have a know it all attitude, turns out im autisitic with comminication issues. I am a super empath, i just define love more realistically that NTs. I was with narcissists who loved this because it made them smarter, but they used this condescending trait i accidentally held onto ... Against me. Lesson learned... The hard way! I am also a bigtime dreamer and manifest like nothing for the ones i love... This is now something i keep to myself.
I was just thinking this the other day. Thank you for explaining this very complicated subject. I was with a narcissistic wife for 17 years and still trying to divorce her smh. But thank you
"Narcissistic strands", I like that. Whenever I see a homeless person, drug addict or alcoholic I always think "But for the grace of God go I. After listening to this I realize it was the narcissistic strands in me that made the difference.
Loved this so much! Exactly what I NEEDED to hear at this very moment. As if God is trying to reassure me that I am in the right direction by escalating all my concerns and refusing to be gaslighted by narcissistic people around me that never seems to have an idea about self-reflection. I pray that someday, they will finally realize how harmful they can be for others. 🙏
Maybe a point worth making is it's hard to say when you were on the receiving end of 'transference/projection' .. things then get muddled. However, sometimes being too locked into my own stuff and not being open enough to others. It happens from time to time.
It's possible narcissistic family will want to see me tomorrow but maybe not. I like them and it's complicated. It'll only be if someone reaches out. Should probably clean my home in case they'll need to come in to use the washroom or something lol. I may clean some and also hide some of the mess lol. Probably just move the clothes that I need to hang and put away to my bedroom and close the door. One time he noticed one of my couch cushions was backwards because the zipper was showing lol. Another time, he said the bathroom garbage needed emptying lol. Whatever was in that bathroom garbage was likely what was put in there because I cleaned before he came over lol. I think he's married to the self righteous so I guess he notices these things maybe because of how things have to be at his house. Very likely I'll just clean it to good enough lol. He's likely going to find something but at least it won't shock him like it probably would right now lol
You covered these, but here's the ones that resonate with me most: My empathy for them, and for the public in general, is slowly waining over time. As well as hateful thoughts of telling them off or giving them a punch in the face. I am unable to walk and can barely lift a gallon jug of water, so, I could never actually physically do it....it's still the thoughts alone, and how G_d sees them, that concerns me. I actually feel this long term situation may prevent me from entering heaven.
I think my people pleasing is itself sometimes narcissistic, because I wind up neglecting one person to make sure everyone else is happy, meaning no one winds up being really happy. And this leads to my feeling guilt because I think it’s all my responsibility to make everyone happy, and the whole damn cycle starts again. One of the best people I’ve ever known actually told me to stop giving a damn about everyone, and painful though it was to hear, he was right.
I think that a lot of empaths have trouble balancing standing up for themselves versus doing harm to others, even if it is narcissistic people who are out to harm them. And so they hold back, rather than become evil to deal with evil and erase it from their list of problems, even though, at the time, they could have totally defeated this jerk. But if you do take up the sword, then you reflect and say: "Did that person just convert me to being a monster, just like they are?" "Am I now a narcissist?" As humans, good people can snap when their pain threshold has been exceeded time after time. My three main thoughts on this are: 1. "Self-reflection is a good thing." Through self-reflection, we can choose whether and how we can transform ourselves, and correct our behavior. 2. Underlying values, if not manifested, can still be transformative and lead us to change if we think about it and deal with how we do not like what we just did. 3. Asking this question, honestly, is a great thing. Life mistakes are great teachers for changing us to be better and wiser the next time.
I was brought up Christian, 30 years ago I let it go. But I still think about archangels. They fight evil. They are not evil but they know their enemies.
As I was raised by a narcissistic person ad had a narcissistic older sibling, I have always thought I could have caught the 'narcissistic fleas' in some way because of the bad examples set for me. My worst one is probably the need for external validation. I believe this is largely caused by how my mother did things that made us emotionally dependent on her and her approval.
Humans are social creatures and I'd argue that all of us need some external validation from time to time. For narcissists though external validation is like oxygen and they will completely disregard the needs of others to fulfill theirs. You seem to have insight so I don't think you're that kind of person (even though we're strangers on the internet but I'd give you the benefit of the doubt 😉 )
@lt827 I know the struggle.. If people are projecting stuff onto you long enough, you may start to believe it yourself. I actually have OCD and one of my 'themes' for a while was a fear that I actually might be narcissistic which was terrifying for me since having a meanigful, close, lasting & healthy relationship is one of my dreams and I even asked my therapist at one point to do the test for pesonality disorders with me (she did and told me that I'm not narcissistic although I scored high in BPD traits and had some dependent/HPD features as well). But narcissists don't see their maladaptive patterns as a problem because, in the majority of cases, they have very little or no insight at all and engage in projection and blame-shifting instead + they often see empathy in other people as a sign of "weakness" and look at those people with contempt
@lt827 And if your family of origin is toxic, some of the 'narcissistic fleas' may have been simply a survival strategy for you...Self-awareness is a virtue but self-compassion is equally as important imo
To be honest my inner support system that makes me rely on myself and acknowledge myself can be too vulnerable at times which means I sometimes need too much acknowledgement from others. It is especially so while applying for jobs and getting many rejections. Sometimes the rejections make me wonder if I am as good at my work as I write in my applications and resume. I don't like being depending on orhers recognition, I'd rather all the time rest in myself and get the acknowledgement from myself because this way I feel like being like "them"
I sometimes talk about myself too much but it’s because I so isolated I don’t have anyone to talk to but my daughter. I have been neglected for 40 years. I upsets me when people look at me funny I hate that I do things that I pick up from my narcissistic husband. So I isolate myself even more because I don’t wanna offend anybody. I have less empathy because I’m exhausted I’m tired all the time I can barely me a parent. I save all my energy for my daughter that my first job . It’s when they hurt you on purpose and they’re enjoyment of their people pain lying and tell your wife that she a crazy b!tch for 15 years because he did something or said something hurtful than can even admit it and they blame you for what they did to you I can admit when I do something wrong or I mess up I feel I’m human I make mistakes. That’s what lets me know I not the narcissist. I was raised by one so I probably have traits of it .
Dr. Ramani, your insights are always so helpful and empowering. Your approach to understanding narcissistic behaviors and offering practical advice is truly transformative. As someone trying to navigate challenging dynamics, your content has given me clarity and strength. I’m a volunteer with the California GOP, and with a new chair elected, I’m excited about the direction we’re heading. I’m also working on an initiative to bring IBM back into high-tech manufacturing, alongside developing solar-powered products like solar laptops, USB-C & barrel battery solar GPUs, and other sustainable technologies. Millian Patterson could be the next California governor, and I’m hopeful that these innovations will align with the state’s future leadership. Thank you for all you do to raise awareness and support healing!
people pleasing, learned not to do that, and I used feel hurt if I got no validation. I feel like nobody likes me, and they believe the person who has a problem with almost everything I do. I guess I have felt like I want to be verbally abusive to some people. I don't, it would be bad for me. I think avoidance, I am shut down and so intimacy is hard for me. Im not sure if that is passive aggression, I have been accused of that, but I really feel there is little in it for me.
Most of us can probably identify with the concern of losing empathy after years of being in a narcissistic relationship. The fatigue and confusion that emerges around the time you realize you are suffering can absolutely trigger the fear that you may be a narcissist. I have wondered if it is inevitable/inescapable if you are brought up in a narcissistic home
I’ve been accused of holding a grudge or being forgiving after finally standing up for myself and staying strong in my boundaries after years of narcotic abuse. I can’t take it anymore and am prioritizing my well being despite the enablers trying to shame me. How do we distinguish between holding a grudge or just finally keeping our boundaries?
I feel like I do try to set some things up for myself, maybe to the point others might be sacrificing (possibly unknowingly) for that to happen. I try to be up front about such things with people I can trust, but with people that don't seem to care about me or I feel will abuse information, I will withhold information. I feel like not only going through regular life dealing with others' narcissistic moments, but with a malignant narcissistic situationship, has made me have to learn the game and have to dip my toe into narcissistic tactics. I handled the encroachment of that situationship in a narcissistic way, because I saw that the narcissist in question was trying to smear me and play mind games with me. So, I did a thinly veiled tit-for-tat. Then, the situationship turned into a war of nerves, and I feel like I've had to really choose to withhold info or tell little lies to get to a place where I could feel relatively safe again. After years of dealing with that war, I might still withhold info if I get the slightest hint that someone might use info against me or to leverage me. And most of the world feels like that to me now.
I will manipulate and have gaslighted. And no I’m not a narcissist! I have a empath as a friend.. we get to laughing when asked are you trying to manipulate me!
If not forgiving is holding a grudge. Then there is lots of us. I can forgive someone when i truly see someone making amends, showing remorse and retribution. Changing to make the situation better so the pattern is not repeated but with a narcissist this never occurs. They ignore and take no access for the hurt they have inflicted.
Forgiving is about whether or not we are still hung up on it, whether or not we allow it to tax from our daily willpower and energy. Forgiving is NOT forgetting; it doesn't mean we don't change the way we interact with the other person, it doesn't mean we continue speaking with them. Forgiving a person ONLY means you don't expect them to make it right; to forgive, we decide that the other person doesn't owe us anything, because they're not capable of providing it anyway. We don't want to waste our time and energy barking up the wrong trees. We won't forget and pretend it didn't happen, that is blatant denial. To pretend it never happened and "go back to normal," is the "forgiveness" of codependency, where we are shamed into "not rocking the boat," and setting aside our needs and our reality for another's comfort. No, that's not forgiving. That's abuse.
Looking back, I think I ruined my marriage bc I am my mother’s child. And with further reflection, I’m certain my husband and I came from narcissistic-ran households and parents. We were both damaged, but I realized that I mirrored my mother’s patterns of being rigid. I hope I’m different enough and that I was only mirroring the example I grew up with 😔💔
I will often overshare my problems with anyone who will listen in order to feel some sort of validation that a) I'm not crazy or b) I'm doing the right thing.
When I feel stressed out I can be controlling. This is one of my coping strategies from childhood that was very effective back then. I try to practice non interference now, but once in awhile the control comes up. I want to fix everything so I can be comfortable.
Totally what I needed to hear right now as I work on healing and resetting myself after narcissistic abuse. Taking myself back! 💪🏼 Thank you Dr Ramani ❤
I know as an Autistic woman I so need validation for my Autistic needs. If people don’t validate the diagnosis then complain that I have a particular trait of it is so painful. They want me to change that issue.
The person that i loved never existed it was all a mask. I still feel love for the person i thought he was, but i hate the real person. I have my watched my children cry and wonder why he lied and broke our family. He goes on with life while i try very hard to help mend their hearts and mend my own at night alone in bed. I can never forgive what he did to our children and me. It was absolutely inhumane.
I get we all have some narcisissitic traits. I don't know what my narcisissitic trait is. Purhaps it's low tolerance for stupid people & judging them as such.
Thank goodness! I find myself sometimes seeking too much validation. Yet, I empathise (sometimes too deeply) with beings (people&animals). I am also too critical sometimes _overly perfectionistic. I was afraid that I might be one of those monsters...
I have narcissistic traits and ticks. I’ve always known that I wasn’t at the lowest end of the spectrum. But, I know there are major narcissistic traits I don’t have. I don’t use deception and manipulation, to use people. I, sometimes, have more respect for their lives, than they do, for their own. I feel I have a lot of empathy, but more for animals, than for people. People just look like they’re doing their darnedest, to ensure you have that stretch between disrespecting them and acting as if you actually do. Sometimes, it feels I have just an appropriate amount of indifference to people, that it’s simply healthy, in a narcissistic world, that I have to plow through each day. Sometimes, narcissism is like trading cards. Like which traits in the DSM a person’s has, that they might want to trade for another. It’s also a matter of opinion. I know someone who’d feel I’d score a 10 out of the criteria. But, that’s based upon the fact that they’ve given up on their life, have decided to put up with their narcissistic family and, other than work, they might live rather monastically. Me wanting anything out of life, because I am working for it, then, becomes a tall order and something only an narcissistic person would do. People size you up and decide what you should advocate for, for yourself, and what you deserve. It also may have nothing to do, with the self-respect you have or the work you’ve put in. I’m OK, if that type of person might think of me, as a narcissist. Because they would only be content, if I were receiving crumbs. So, what do I feel is my worst narcissistic trait, although not technically listed in the DSM? Vilification of others. I saw this in my mother, as she aged also. Now, I will say that, often, I’ve found that people fulfill what I think of them. Still, I feel I get ahead of the game. I’m a strong INTJ so, we pickup on patterns. I am often right, when I see where things are heading and, often, people don’t like that about me, because they don’t want to hear bad news. This causes me to feel as if I’m right. I do try to refrain and leave things open to other, better possibilities. But, I am not good at this at all.😆
I am curious about this too. I don't want them to walk around saying I was an awesome mom, but if the opportunity arises, I wouldn't mind them saying I was a good mom. 😅🤷♀️
I think appreciation requires relationship… you should desire a good relationship with your adult children. How do you regard them? How do they regard you? How would you describe your relationship? When you spend time together, what types of things do you do and talk about? If that dimension of the relationship doesn’t even exist with your adult children, I doubt appreciation is in the picture.
Yes , this is a very narcissistic trait because a healthy parent would be focused on making their adult children feel good about themselves and their unique abilities. You have to give honest and natural positive energy to others and then it will just honestly and naturally flow back to you❤
I think being appreciated for your efforts is a normal part of maintaining healthy relationships, but when your desire for recognition becomes excessive and is needed to build your sense of self-importance, tied in with self validation, then narcissistic warning bells should probably start ringing...
No matter what you do or say it can’t be twisted to be good or bad by the other persons interpretation or perception. There’s a difference between human reactions to things or feelings and true npd. When you look for a red car all you see are red cars.🤔
THANK YOU Dr. This message CERTAINLY helpes me understand ME more and determine whether I am a true narc or was I having Narc experiences. I will say, it is definitely a conscious choice, whether or not to go down the dark ugly path of a True narc as opposed to being in the higher vibrational spirit at least thats what resonates for me. ❤
I suppose I tend to view myself as better than most in many ways, so ego. But in no way whatsoever do I feel entitled and I still remain very insecure about too many things.
If you judge someone for only working 40 hours a week- you may not be a narcissist (you probably are)- but there’s definitely something wrong with you. That’s something you need to change. That screams grandiosity, lack of empathy, self righteousness… so many things.
I had them all. I succeeded in a toxic society. I sacrificed myself to serve others (people pleaser). Now that I'm retired I'm trying to resuscitate my authentic self. I'm reconnecting with my inner child who I abandoned and neglected. Don't settle. We got this.
well done for confronting it
Inspiring! Love the word/idea of resuscitating. Yes! Our authentic selves can be revived/resuscitated!
I am highly NOT Narcissistic. But am happy that I've reached the point of eroded empathy. Most people are only about themselves and fail to consider the needs of others so now I speak up to protect myself.
I thought I lost all my empathy after the narc but it turned out I just have boundaries now. Every sob story isn't my problem and I am not the doormat anymore. My boundaries have shocked more than the narc but also other people who just were taking advantage of me. 😊
Love this, I feel the same way! 👍💪
Yes, boundaries. As Dr. R said yesterday we are not their savior, therapist etc.
Keeping it real with Doctor Ramani! She always addresses these sticky issues. So grateful she has the courage to do it. My gosh I wish I could have coffee with her (tea for her)!❤
I definitely struggled with overanalyzing myself, I have a huge fear of being anything like my past abusers.
If you have a fear of being like them: it's just an intrusive thought (although I know that these thoughts can cause a lot of anxiety and self-doubt..). Truly evil people fear of being caught, not of being evil.
@alltheliliesbloomed Thank you, I really appreciate what you wrote!
I thought I was narcissist because I thought every time people got upset or any kind of reaction to what I did/said was about me. I made all reactions about me. They did X because I did Y. I've learned a lot with you (Dr. Ramani) and my therapist.
I've not lost empathy, but I have lost more patience and have zero tolerance for evil thieves, abusers, criminality in general, zero vileness.. None, zero.
Same
@@kat-75 me too but there’s so many D- many of them!!🥲
I am an autistic person and one myth about autism is that we do not have empathy, but I have too much sometimes it is hard for me to go outside. I believe this is why I gave my ex chance after chance even if his anger was controlling our relationship. I still don't know if he is a narc, but he has many of the traits.
I finally figured out how to fight against narcissism without compromising my values of honesty, integrity, fairness, empathy, joy, compassion, caring, loving, being there for loved ones, decency, good faith, trusting, high standards for myself and others, productivity, discipline, courage, etc…
The way to fight against them is to first use discernment to identify them, then I will have zero patience, give them zero chances, and have zero tolerance for them, in other words - be an adult. Give up on them permanently and without anything they could ever do to repair the relationship.
We have to make narcissism NOT work for them!
Thx! 👍❤
❤❤❤❤❤❤❤
I allowed myself to become the victim & held on to it. I needed validation from others to recognize the severe mental & physical abuse I was experiencing. It did take alot of abuse for me to wake up & decide I deserved more in life. Today, after 28 years of freedom, I am grateful & proud of the awesome woman I am. I still make mistakes. Im human & flawed. I recognise my fragile weaknesses and habits. Now, I am not afraid to address them, try to change and forgive myself. I love my freedom to be me.
❤🎉❤🎉❤🎉
I'm sooo grateful for you Dr Ramani, you have helped me to keep being empathetic & realize I am sane 🤍🤍🤍
Exactly. Your eyes are tired but you are not blind.
I keep score....might be the same as holding a grudge, it helps me with establishing patterns which is very useful when making decisions for my own self preservation.
Wow, this is Brilliant. "The great fear is: What if it IS me? What if I've complained about them, but it actually is me? And then this takes us to that complicated conversation about this so-called idea of "healthy narcissism", and you KNOW I do not love that term. I understand why people use it or say it, but there is really no version of low empathy, selfishness, entitlement, excessive need for praise, grandiosity, envy, arrogance, and taking advantage of other people that is ever going to be healthy. I think there's healthy ego. There's certainly healthy assertiveness. There are healthy boundaries; but that stuff is not narcissistic." I'm having trouble wrapping my head around the idea that these truths need to be stated. We've all experienced how, once in a blue moon, a narcissistic person will do something empathetic, or helpful, or insightful; but we KNOW that person has not changed. But if WE, once in a blue moon, do something narcissistic, we automatically question ourselves. It's about the number, frequency, and not owning of these traits that determines narcissism. "It is complicated and messy."
If you self reflect then you are not narcissistic. They do not do this.
I must confess I’m so envious at how easy it is for the narc to self promote, where as I fail miserably at this! As an artist I really need to learn this, but finding it very difficult, even writing this was painful…geez & freez!
Confidence in yourself is a fake it till you make it issue & that’s OK
I’m glad you shared ty
After all the trauma and abuse... yea i hold a grudge too. Proudly!
Me too 💥 💥 💥
They’ll claim that enacting your boundaries is just you holding a grudge. It’s not, it’s wisdom
Well if they want to call it a grudge. I’d call it self preservation 😢
In the 1960s, before they had names for my disorders, my mother would say that I was vain, because I needed everything a certain way.
For years, I carried this with me, thinking there was something wrong with me… But the reason why I needed everything a certain way was because I am on the spectrum with OCD.
Many people are in denial about their psychiatric diagnoses, but I considered mine a gift. Without the criteria, I was going to end up just a crazy lady who needed everything a certain way.
This is a great explanation of the gray areas in the survivor’s thinking.
Omg! Yes, lost empathy. I'm so angry, exhausted, more than 8 years solely responsible for narc mother. Life on hold. But I want to move forward. Everything Dr Ramani said here is so true.
So true. My empathy is doled out to the right people now. I no longer give it away.
The, since narcissistic people lack self-awareness, would they even recognize or question their own narcissism?
I might be wrong, but if you have the ability to reflect on your own behavior and how it impacts others and actually care, then chances are high that you are not a narcissist.
After long listening to my parents, especially my mother, verbally shredding nearby people's physical traits (weight, hair, etc.), and growing to hate their smug judgemental-ness, I STILL silently critique people's appearances (Could she trowel on the makeup any thicker? Oh my god, does he really think that comb-over helps him?). Then I remember my parents did this loudly enough for ME to hear. The message was, you're not lovable unless you look right. My appearance remains very important to me, and for health issues, that can be good. But I know people have stories. Some women keep their weight up to avoid re-experiencing sexual predation from men; my dearest living friend has done this. So I've got the seeds, all right. I'm just keeping them to myself 'til I might get rid of them.
I get it! Today I saw the chocolate pillsbury dough boy standing at the bus stop. Yep I do that too. I also do it to myself and tell myself be nice!! 🐝 nice!!!
It is an anathema to growth. It's harmful destruction versus personal growth and attack on freedom.
I want people to be themselves and find it disturbing they can't.
When I'm going through a difficult time, I often forget that others around me also have issues to deal with.
Thank you for posting this. Its so helpful.
I have a know it all attitude, turns out im autisitic with comminication issues. I am a super empath, i just define love more realistically that NTs. I was with narcissists who loved this because it made them smarter, but they used this condescending trait i accidentally held onto ... Against me.
Lesson learned... The hard way!
I am also a bigtime dreamer and manifest like nothing for the ones i love... This is now something i keep to myself.
I was just thinking this the other day. Thank you for explaining this very complicated subject. I was with a narcissistic wife for 17 years and still trying to divorce her smh. But thank you
This is valuable 💯
Thank you for this
"Narcissistic strands", I like that. Whenever I see a homeless person, drug addict or alcoholic I always think "But for the grace of God go I. After listening to this I realize it was the narcissistic strands in me that made the difference.
Interesting?
Loved this so much! Exactly what I NEEDED to hear at this very moment. As if God is trying to reassure me that I am in the right direction by escalating all my concerns and refusing to be gaslighted by narcissistic people around me that never seems to have an idea about self-reflection. I pray that someday, they will finally realize how harmful they can be for others. 🙏
I put myself first sometimes.
We all need to ..thats healthy
Maybe a point worth making is it's hard to say when you were on the receiving end of 'transference/projection' .. things then get muddled. However, sometimes being too locked into my own stuff and not being open enough to others. It happens from time to time.
It’s hard to ask for HELP!!
It's my birthday tomorrow. It springs up on me. 10 days after the death anniversary date that is a ptsd trigger.
It's possible narcissistic family will want to see me tomorrow but maybe not. I like them and it's complicated. It'll only be if someone reaches out. Should probably clean my home in case they'll need to come in to use the washroom or something lol. I may clean some and also hide some of the mess lol. Probably just move the clothes that I need to hang and put away to my bedroom and close the door. One time he noticed one of my couch cushions was backwards because the zipper was showing lol. Another time, he said the bathroom garbage needed emptying lol. Whatever was in that bathroom garbage was likely what was put in there because I cleaned before he came over lol. I think he's married to the self righteous so I guess he notices these things maybe because of how things have to be at his house. Very likely I'll just clean it to good enough lol. He's likely going to find something but at least it won't shock him like it probably would right now lol
You covered these, but here's the ones that resonate with me most: My empathy for them, and for the public in general, is slowly waining over time. As well as hateful thoughts of telling them off or giving them a punch in the face. I am unable to walk and can barely lift a gallon jug of water, so, I could never actually physically do it....it's still the thoughts alone, and how G_d sees them, that concerns me. I actually feel this long term situation may prevent me from entering heaven.
One thing about living with a narcissist is that it's a mirror of what I don't want to immulate
Thank you for this chat. I needed to hear you today. Like #1.
I think my people pleasing is itself sometimes narcissistic, because I wind up neglecting one person to make sure everyone else is happy, meaning no one winds up being really happy. And this leads to my feeling guilt because I think it’s all my responsibility to make everyone happy, and the whole damn cycle starts again. One of the best people I’ve ever known actually told me to stop giving a damn about everyone, and painful though it was to hear, he was right.
Yup
I think that a lot of empaths have trouble balancing standing up for themselves versus doing harm to others, even if it is narcissistic people who are out to harm them. And so they hold back, rather than become evil to deal with evil and erase it from their list of problems, even though, at the time, they could have totally defeated this jerk. But if you do take up the sword, then you reflect and say: "Did that person just convert me to being a monster, just like they are?" "Am I now a narcissist?" As humans, good people can snap when their pain threshold has been exceeded time after time. My three main thoughts on this are: 1. "Self-reflection is a good thing." Through self-reflection, we can choose whether and how we can transform ourselves, and correct our behavior. 2. Underlying values, if not manifested, can still be transformative and lead us to change if we think about it and deal with how we do not like what we just did. 3. Asking this question, honestly, is a great thing. Life mistakes are great teachers for changing us to be better and wiser the next time.
I was brought up Christian, 30 years ago I let it go. But I still think about archangels. They fight evil. They are not evil but they know their enemies.
As I was raised by a narcissistic person ad had a narcissistic older sibling, I have always thought I could have caught the 'narcissistic fleas' in some way because of the bad examples set for me. My worst one is probably the need for external validation. I believe this is largely caused by how my mother did things that made us emotionally dependent on her and her approval.
Humans are social creatures and I'd argue that all of us need some external validation from time to time. For narcissists though external validation is like oxygen and they will completely disregard the needs of others to fulfill theirs. You seem to have insight so I don't think you're that kind of person (even though we're strangers on the internet but I'd give you the benefit of the doubt 😉 )
@ thanks. I don’t think I am narcissistic but it is very hard for me to believe I am good enough if no one else says so.
@lt827 I know the struggle.. If people are projecting stuff onto you long enough, you may start to believe it yourself. I actually have OCD and one of my 'themes' for a while was a fear that I actually might be narcissistic which was terrifying for me since having a meanigful, close, lasting & healthy relationship is one of my dreams and I even asked my therapist at one point to do the test for pesonality disorders with me (she did and told me that I'm not narcissistic although I scored high in BPD traits and had some dependent/HPD features as well). But narcissists don't see their maladaptive patterns as a problem because, in the majority of cases, they have very little or no insight at all and engage in projection and blame-shifting instead + they often see empathy in other people as a sign of "weakness" and look at those people with contempt
@lt827 And if your family of origin is toxic, some of the 'narcissistic fleas' may have been simply a survival strategy for you...Self-awareness is a virtue but self-compassion is equally as important imo
To be honest my inner support system that makes me rely on myself and acknowledge myself can be too vulnerable at times which means I sometimes need too much acknowledgement from others. It is especially so while applying for jobs and getting many rejections. Sometimes the rejections make me wonder if I am as good at my work as I write in my applications and resume. I don't like being depending on orhers recognition, I'd rather all the time rest in myself and get the acknowledgement from myself because this way I feel like being like "them"
I sometimes talk about myself too much but it’s because I so isolated I don’t have anyone to talk to but my daughter. I have been neglected for 40 years. I upsets me when people look at me funny I hate that I do things that I pick up from my narcissistic husband. So I isolate myself even more because I don’t wanna offend anybody. I have less empathy because I’m exhausted I’m tired all the time I can barely me a parent. I save all my energy for my daughter that my first job . It’s when they hurt you on purpose and they’re enjoyment of their people pain lying and tell your wife that she a crazy b!tch for 15 years because he did something or said something hurtful than can even admit it and they blame you for what they did to you I can admit when I do something wrong or I mess up I feel I’m human I make mistakes. That’s what lets me know I not the narcissist. I was raised by one so I probably have traits of it .
Dr. Ramani, your insights are always so helpful and empowering. Your approach to understanding narcissistic behaviors and offering practical advice is truly transformative. As someone trying to navigate challenging dynamics, your content has given me clarity and strength.
I’m a volunteer with the California GOP, and with a new chair elected, I’m excited about the direction we’re heading. I’m also working on an initiative to bring IBM back into high-tech manufacturing, alongside developing solar-powered products like solar laptops, USB-C & barrel battery solar GPUs, and other sustainable technologies. Millian Patterson could be the next California governor, and I’m hopeful that these innovations will align with the state’s future leadership. Thank you for all you do to raise awareness and support healing!
people pleasing, learned not to do that, and I used feel hurt if I got no validation. I feel like nobody likes me, and they believe the person who has a problem with almost everything I do. I guess I have felt like I want to be verbally abusive to some people. I don't, it would be bad for me. I think avoidance, I am shut down and so intimacy is hard for me. Im not sure if that is passive aggression, I have been accused of that, but I really feel there is little in it for me.
Most of us can probably identify with the concern of losing empathy after years of being in a narcissistic relationship. The fatigue and confusion that emerges around the time you realize you are suffering can absolutely trigger the fear that you may be a narcissist. I have wondered if it is inevitable/inescapable if you are brought up in a narcissistic home
My mother really went down that road but she was always a vulnerable narcissist probably & just got worse
I’ve been accused of holding a grudge or being forgiving after finally standing up for myself and staying strong in my boundaries after years of narcotic abuse. I can’t take it anymore and am prioritizing my well being despite the enablers trying to shame me. How do we distinguish between holding a grudge or just finally keeping our boundaries?
I feel like I do try to set some things up for myself, maybe to the point others might be sacrificing (possibly unknowingly) for that to happen. I try to be up front about such things with people I can trust, but with people that don't seem to care about me or I feel will abuse information, I will withhold information. I feel like not only going through regular life dealing with others' narcissistic moments, but with a malignant narcissistic situationship, has made me have to learn the game and have to dip my toe into narcissistic tactics. I handled the encroachment of that situationship in a narcissistic way, because I saw that the narcissist in question was trying to smear me and play mind games with me. So, I did a thinly veiled tit-for-tat. Then, the situationship turned into a war of nerves, and I feel like I've had to really choose to withhold info or tell little lies to get to a place where I could feel relatively safe again.
After years of dealing with that war, I might still withhold info if I get the slightest hint that someone might use info against me or to leverage me. And most of the world feels like that to me now.
I will manipulate and have gaslighted. And no I’m not a narcissist!
I have a empath as a friend.. we get to laughing when asked are you trying to manipulate me!
Lack of empathy
Love your videos, and enjoy you do not contaminate them with music 👍
It's difficult for them to teach me... little empathy
If not forgiving is holding a grudge. Then there is lots of us. I can forgive someone when i truly see someone making amends, showing remorse and retribution. Changing to make the situation better so the pattern is not repeated but with a narcissist this never occurs. They ignore and take no access for the hurt they have inflicted.
Forgiving is about whether or not we are still hung up on it, whether or not we allow it to tax from our daily willpower and energy. Forgiving is NOT forgetting; it doesn't mean we don't change the way we interact with the other person, it doesn't mean we continue speaking with them.
Forgiving a person ONLY means you don't expect them to make it right; to forgive, we decide that the other person doesn't owe us anything, because they're not capable of providing it anyway. We don't want to waste our time and energy barking up the wrong trees. We won't forget and pretend it didn't happen, that is blatant denial. To pretend it never happened and "go back to normal," is the "forgiveness" of codependency, where we are shamed into "not rocking the boat," and setting aside our needs and our reality for another's comfort. No, that's not forgiving. That's abuse.
I'm thinking about my grudges.
Looking back, I think I ruined my marriage bc I am my mother’s child. And with further reflection, I’m certain my husband and I came from narcissistic-ran households and parents. We were both damaged, but I realized that I mirrored my mother’s patterns of being rigid. I hope I’m different enough and that I was only mirroring the example I grew up with 😔💔
I will often overshare my problems with anyone who will listen in order to feel some sort of validation that a) I'm not crazy or b) I'm doing the right thing.
When I feel stressed out I can be controlling. This is one of my coping strategies from childhood that was very effective back then. I try to practice non interference now, but once in awhile the control comes up. I want to fix everything so I can be comfortable.
Totally what I needed to hear right now as I work on healing and resetting myself after narcissistic abuse. Taking myself back! 💪🏼 Thank you Dr Ramani ❤
I know as an Autistic woman I so need validation for my Autistic needs. If people don’t validate the diagnosis then complain that I have a particular trait of it is so painful. They want me to change that issue.
The person that i loved never existed it was all a mask. I still feel love for the person i thought he was, but i hate the real person. I have my watched my children cry and wonder why he lied and broke our family. He goes on with life while i try very hard to help mend their hearts and mend my own at night alone in bed. I can never forgive what he did to our children and me. It was absolutely inhumane.
I get we all have some narcisissitic traits. I don't know what my narcisissitic trait is. Purhaps it's low tolerance for stupid people & judging them as such.
Thank goodness! I find myself sometimes seeking too much validation. Yet, I empathise (sometimes too deeply) with beings (people&animals). I am also too critical sometimes _overly perfectionistic. I was afraid that I might be one of those monsters...
Richard Granon speaks about this two day …
I have narcissistic traits and ticks. I’ve always known that I wasn’t at the lowest end of the spectrum. But, I know there are major narcissistic traits I don’t have. I don’t use deception and manipulation, to use people. I, sometimes, have more respect for their lives, than they do, for their own. I feel I have a lot of empathy, but more for animals, than for people. People just look like they’re doing their darnedest, to ensure you have that stretch between disrespecting them and acting as if you actually do. Sometimes, it feels I have just an appropriate amount of indifference to people, that it’s simply healthy, in a narcissistic world, that I have to plow through each day.
Sometimes, narcissism is like trading cards. Like which traits in the DSM a person’s has, that they might want to trade for another. It’s also a matter of opinion. I know someone who’d feel I’d score a 10 out of the criteria. But, that’s based upon the fact that they’ve given up on their life, have decided to put up with their narcissistic family and, other than work, they might live rather monastically. Me wanting anything out of life, because I am working for it, then, becomes a tall order and something only an narcissistic person would do. People size you up and decide what you should advocate for, for yourself, and what you deserve. It also may have nothing to do, with the self-respect you have or the work you’ve put in. I’m OK, if that type of person might think of me, as a narcissist. Because they would only be content, if I were receiving crumbs.
So, what do I feel is my worst narcissistic trait, although not technically listed in the DSM? Vilification of others. I saw this in my mother, as she aged also. Now, I will say that, often, I’ve found that people fulfill what I think of them. Still, I feel I get ahead of the game. I’m a strong INTJ so, we pickup on patterns. I am often right, when I see where things are heading and, often, people don’t like that about me, because they don’t want to hear bad news. This causes me to feel as if I’m right. I do try to refrain and leave things open to other, better possibilities. But, I am not good at this at all.😆
Is the desire to be appreciated by your adult children a narcissistic trait?
I am curious about this too. I don't want them to walk around saying I was an awesome mom, but if the opportunity arises, I wouldn't mind them saying I was a good mom.
😅🤷♀️
I think appreciation requires relationship… you should desire a good relationship with your adult children. How do you regard them? How do they regard you? How would you describe your relationship? When you spend time together, what types of things do you do and talk about? If that dimension of the relationship doesn’t even exist with your adult children, I doubt appreciation is in the picture.
Yes , this is a very narcissistic trait because a healthy parent would be focused on making their adult children feel good about themselves and their unique abilities.
You have to give honest and natural positive energy to others and then it will just honestly and naturally flow back to you❤
I think being appreciated for your efforts is a normal part of maintaining healthy relationships, but when your desire for recognition becomes excessive and is needed to build your sense of self-importance, tied in with self validation, then narcissistic warning bells should probably start ringing...
@ Exactly!
No matter what you do or say it can’t be twisted to be good or bad by the other persons interpretation or perception.
There’s a difference between human reactions to things or feelings and true npd.
When you look for a red car all you see are red cars.🤔
THANK YOU Dr. This message CERTAINLY helpes me understand ME more and determine whether I am a true narc or was I having Narc experiences. I will say, it is definitely a conscious choice, whether or not to go down the dark ugly path of a True narc as opposed to being in the higher vibrational spirit at least thats what resonates for me. ❤
I suppose I tend to view myself as better than most in many ways, so ego.
But in no way whatsoever do I feel entitled and I still remain very insecure about too many things.
There’s a narcissistic narcissism “expert” who says being in a relationship with a narcissist turns you into a narcissist, too. Agree?
I trust her but I'm still upset.... Idk what to do
If you judge someone for only working 40 hours a week- you may not be a narcissist (you probably are)- but there’s definitely something wrong with you. That’s something you need to change. That screams grandiosity, lack of empathy, self righteousness… so many things.
Im extremely sensitive and defensive
❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤
My Lord will get vengeance for me
I'm reactive
I hate when ppl say healthy narcissism... There is no such thing. It's like saying healthy psychopathy, healthy abuse, healthy bulimia and anorexia...
I like attention. I am empathetic
Thank you for this Vulnerable Honesty, Dr. Ramani. Your Messege in 2025 is Essential❤💯🕊
Dr Ramani there is a video on the net "IS DOCTOR RAMANI SECRETLY A NARCISSIST "
👍🙂
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Should someone be fluffing DT?
People plz 🤦♀️
Christine Albright
THANK YOU 💖!...
"+"!..."💖"!...
36th, 1 February 2025
Haha sin is non-negotiable, you either have it or you don't. No we don't.
When a woman touches her hair .... She's projecting..... Your thoughts of her as you see her
Let her be her even if she's projecting. Everyone is different and that's a good thing