Stop Fixing, Start Listening: The Power of Holding Space
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- Опубліковано 6 чер 2024
- Sometimes the best way to support someone (or yourself) is to simply listen without judgment. This is called "holding space."
In this video, I'll break down what holding space means, how to practice it, and why it's so powerful. You'll learn:
• The difference between holding space and trying to fix problems
• How to hold space for your own difficult emotions
• Tips for holding space for the people you care about
I'll also share my new program, Mindful Moments Weekly, which offers guided audio tools to cultivate self-compassion and resilience.
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References
Mamede, André et al. “Mindfulness as a Protective Factor Against Depression, Anxiety and Psychological Distress During the COVID-19 Pandemic: Emotion Regulation and Insomnia Symptoms as Mediators.” Frontiers in psychology vol. 13 820959. 1 Apr. 2022, doi:10.3389/fpsyg.2022.820959
Janssen, Math et al. “Effects of Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction on employees' mental health: A systematic review.” PloS one vol. 13,1 e0191332. 24 Jan. 2018, doi:10.1371/journal.pone.0191332
Want to know more about mental health and self-improvement? On this channel I discuss topics such as bipolar disorder, major depression, anxiety disorders, attention deficit disorder (ADHD), relationships and personal development/self-improvement. I upload weekly. If you don’t want to miss a video, click here to subscribe. goo.gl/DFfT33
Disclaimer: All of the information on this channel is for educational purposes and not intended to be specific/personal medical advice from me to you. Watching the videos or getting answers to comments/question, does not establish a doctor-patient relationship. If you have your own doctor, perhaps these videos can help prepare you for your discussion with your doctor.
I’m bipolar and at 57 I’ve learned to accept my issues as they are. Yup I had a crappy past but those days are over and I just accept it. I also have learned to love myself and accept the good things I’ve done in my life. I’m ok right now.
Tracy you’re making me a better man. Thank you for giving such powerful knowledge to us for free
Awesome that makes feel so good knowing it helps you. 😊❤️
I have had panic attacks weekly, I was on medication and did therapy to get better. But the most important part was when I started feeling the fear, accept it, sit with it and tell myself that it's okay. Obviously since I've had it for years it took time to heal, but it is incredible how much my anxiety decreased over the years. It's nearly gone completely, and I bet it will be in half a year or so.
That's wonderful to hear, kudos to all of the hard work that you did!
Kudos
That's great!
It's okay to feel sad right now
And, it's OK to feel Any feeling now.
Currently in my second quarter of my clinical mental health counseling masters and this has been the biggest take away. Counselors are not fixers.
You simply mentioning the self compassion got me emotional, it's so hard for me to accept that I'm "allowed" to feel a certain way and feel guilty when I try. Thank you for your videos, I will keep trying.
Love this video. Perfectly explains how to hold space. Basically just being present, be accepting of the situation. Like you said, you don't need to fix it or say much of anything. This is something neither one of my parents can do, to this day... And I'm sure this is fairly normal with older generations.
This is why people need therapists. Normal people don't understand this. Normal people have problems of their own as well. People also need to have these internal coping mechanisms instead of always needing external sources to try to balance from because there isn't always some one to "hold space" for you. Sometimes you have to go at life alone.
I'm a bit confused and wanting to better understand your comment . Are you in favour of therapy , or are you saying people are relying too much on external coping mechanisms (therapy) and need to improve more internal ones. And who are you referring to by 'normal' people?
Hope this doesn't come off as an attack. Just curious :)
I am also curious about what you mean by the term “normal”.
I read the comment as people need therapy and in addition to therapy, people need effective coping skills to hold space for themselves. That is my take on the comment.
@@Critical.Thinker I just interpreted it as people who are not therapists in your life, like friends and family, and it's true not everyone has those or they are not always available. Even if your friend or loved one was a therapist, it would be unethical for them to be your therapist.
Part of this is also talking about how to hold space for yourself but often a friend, partner, ECT will want to express these troubles to you.
It's very important for those who want to maintain relationships, especially romantic and parental.
Thank you Dr. Marks
You’re welcome!
@DrTraceyMarks I am in love with your brain!!!!
A new kind of therapy..."UA-cam Therapy"
Your hard work generously and skilfully shared here has been a gift to me. Thank you, Dr Marks.
Thank you. I needed this
This the content i needed most
Good Evening
Nice sharing and education about mental health. I don't know before.
Psychology education is very helpful
Dr. Marks, thank you so much!! Your videos, book, and workbooks have really helped me.
There are times that we can hold space for others, and then it is essential that we learn how to hold space for ourselves. Everyone is going through their own personal struggles and challenges. Sometimes even though we might mean well, we can't always be there for the people that we love in the ways that they might need us. There's a place for therapists to help us, there's a place to be a venting safe space at times, and then also people must develop their own ways to handle life situations in a healthy way when others are not available.
Very helpful. Thank you!
Thank you Dr. Marks.
Yes yesDr Trecy Mark i strongly agree with you thanks again and God bless you more.
Gold!❤
Excellent thank you
4:39 I love the videos. I just can't remember them at an anxiety or panic attack. It's like no matter what I say to myself, I can't stop these attacks. My therapist recommended your videos, which have been an eye-opener. You talk about a subject like you know me. Thank you.
If you keep practicing it will eventually help you when you are having anxiety and hopefully later even during a panic attack.
Thank you 🙏🏾
Great video. I like how you do the camera zooms and graphics on the screen. Might want to think about Adding a second fill light to your studio setup with a larger soft box for fewer and softer shadows. Adding another soft box to your setup would also allow you to move the lights off to the side of the camera more which would give more shape and dimension to your face.
Thank You for this vid Dr Marks.
Thanks❣️
Great video. I just spoke to this on my channel not too long ago.
Thanks for the video. Love the channel 🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉❤
Thanks a bunch! ❤️
I have started taking medicinal cbd oil from an exceptional provider in Holland. It is incredible how helpful it has been to me, much better than any medication i have taken in the past. This, in combination with introspection, internal work and physical exercise makes me feel so balanced 😊
Thanx! love from Uruguay!
Thank You...your videos are helpful and your voice is kind. 👍🎦👍🎦👍🎦👍
Thanks!
You’re so welcome and thank You! 🙏🏽❤️
Great informative and Helpful videos, Thank You!! 👍😊😎❤️🇨🇦
Thanks
You’re amazing
You are a rockstar!
Thx u 🙏 frm Aotearoa 🌿
Hi! i really appreciate ur free education and help :) i was wondering if u could do an episode on "hypersensitivity", i would much appreciate it :)
Thank you so much, Dr. Marks. I was needing to hear just that this week!
On a side note, though, the rotating transitions are somewhat uncomfortable.
Whenever im present with myself that also trouble, seeing the actuality of the present as if im in planet earth with an avoidant personality not yet disorder
Just came out of a meeting. That is exactly what we do (ACA).
What would you suggest for some one who has just started therapy. Seems self affirming butt useful tools to navigate life
Reminds me of sitting zazen, but with affirmations. I shall have to try. Whether it works for me or not, I'm gradually accepting my schizoid nature, so maybe this will help in that
Got a notice on this one.
Same 🤲🏿🤲🏿🤲🏿🖤🖤🖤
Hi Dr. Marks - I've been on the receiving end of someone holding space for me in ways ranging from offering unsolicited fixes to someone being completely silent. Both were ineffective and left me feeling unsupported.
I find that when I'm the one holding space, I try to balance
validation and accountability without crossing the line to fix, and that's also what I hope for when I'm on the receiving end.
Question: While utilizing the steps you outlined when holding space for others, is there also room for the type of dialogue I've been using, or is the accountability (non-judgmental) better suited for later when the person is less escalated?
Thank you for your platform. Your information is very helpful.
I know this is unrelated to this video, but I'm struggling for a therapy type that you mentioned in an ADHD video. I can't seem to find it and I don't recognize it in a Google search. It's similar to CBT and I believe it uses some aspects of CBT. I think it also starts with a "C" Also thank you so much for your content. I'm 58 years old and was recently diagnosed with ADHD. Your videos have given me so many aha moments that I've lost count. Everything is starting to make sense of why my life has been more or less a constant train wreck from childhood to adult.
Therapy forms... dbt comes to my mind, dialective behavioral..
also, hi from a fellow adhd person🐿️🧶
next things.. maybe neurofeedback.. eye movement desensitization.. no that was for trauma.. similar to hypnosis.. also sozio but that's statistically more for shizophrenie and stroke patients.. eyes.. eye movements.. no that's more of a diagnostic tool, and better at this was the eeg alpha:theta ratio...
nah. i've no idea. unfortunately :c
but hey, maybe in a month my brain finds the breadcrums to the bakery, metaphorically speaking.
cbt though looks promising enough though, at least from my perspektive. checks in "funness", "engagement" and "bite-sized". And in general cbt treats the status quo of a client more than their past, so it kinda resonates with the now-ness kind of adhd perspective, talked about by many.
zoomie is also such a funny word btw it sounds so sweet. i'm 29 and diagnosed for a couple years, but i just recently found that term for adhd patterns.
and sorry for all my words, i'm probably a bit more reflecting back the adhd thing than i normally am. i'm usually calm, with less words though. but a missing word, well, that speaks to me on a spiritual level. after half-knowledge i invented the quarter-knowledge for example.. a knowledge fragment so lost and tiny that only an emotional footprint is left, no words, and no structures to even begin explaining a part, nothing but an anonymous yet colourless shape. Could also be temporary, like, despite having a blackout, still knowing the shape of the forgotten, or remembering the book page but without the relevant graphics..
Well... Same conclusion here but i arrived here from a different perspective. When my friend had her problems (quite frankly minor, overblown and somewhat self inflicted) i was empathetic because i knew that she was in need of some help.
When i had my problems (easily 3x more serious and not self inflicted at all) she said that i should deal with it because im a man and to stop complaining.
After several instances of this kind of behaviour i eventually stopped caring about emotional support at all.
Why would i bother when people offer only expectations but no reciprocity?
Is there any advice for people like me who deal with a person who has an insecure attachment style and is very easily offended? How do I respond in these moments?
Hi! I tried to download the self-compassion companion but the access was denied or “limited by the owner”, anyone got the same?
I don't understand my emotions and it's really weird it's like I don't have them I'm not trying to act cool but I really don't understand how I feel or how others feel sometimes most of the time I look at how others treat other and copy them Also don't seem to care about other I always lie but I can't stop I lie all the time I tried to stop but I did it over and over I'm not really happy but when it's something risky or something that has a huge risk factor I enjoy every bit of it, I really am trying to be a better person but I don't understand why I want to be a better person I find humor in other people's pain which is sick but I still do it I sometimes enjoy emotional hurting others but I'm trying to stop doing that, sometimes when someone tells me about how there mothers and fathers die most people would feel sad or depressed about it but I honestly don't care its scary I tried saying what most people say like are you oh ok or how are you doing after such a painful experience when they cry I laugh when there happy I'm angry I don't get why I'm like this
I would like a video how to do this for a friend? At first I was watching it from that angle... I can listen, but at what point to engage, how....?
Let them talk without interrupting too much.
❤
Thanks for the video dr Marks i would be interested in a video about sex such as fantasies and reality, low sex drive, transference, taboo fantasies, how trauma affects sexuality, whether you can change your fantasies or orientation, whether porn is good or bad, etc.
🙏🙌
This is more complex for men and often can not be dealt with in a therapeutic environment. It has to be dealt with through life experiences. Mental health affects men and women totally differently, especially with the causes. A lot of men will experience a mental illness sometime in their life, often times caused by trama of sometime. For example I personally had surgery gone wrong and almost died from general anesthesia and now walk with a permanent limp. This caused PTSD and general distrust of everyone in the medical field. My autistic logical brain butts heads with it at times or compliments it sometimes. For example if I have a surgery coming which did happen I would study for weeks about the surgery and my options, watch videos of it, read medical journals. The only problem is I could do it for a whole week without sleep. I scared the surgeon and anesthesiologist with my knowledge of the operation and I recommended I have the surgery awake with nothing but regional anesthesia. Nothing else because I almost died from anaphylaxic shock from general anesthesia and every single drug on the list can cause that except drugs used for regional anesthesia. Surgery went perfectly no complications thanks to a better qualified surgeon and anesthesiologist. I was worried if they gave me versed I would be throwing medical personnel around because of the fact that versed can cause a strong fight response in people with PTSD. Ketamine which is commonly used for sedation is more 50/50. It is used a treatment for PTSD now but it can also cause a dangerous fight response that is uncontrollable much like versed. The 50/50 part is because Ketamine has good trips and bad trips. Jeez I typed alot of words.
What if the emotions are not valid? The could be lying, exaggerating, misunderstanding what happened, have a poor sense of proportion, etc.
Taking inspiration from you I have also started spiritual youtube channel in English. Thank you so much for your inspiration 😊😊
Notice without judgment...i wish
my former mother needed this message over a decade ago. now i''m going to die instead. yay.
"It's Not About The Nail"
My biggest stress of all over all of your stress that I have over everything it's not having enough money to pay the bills and having enough money left over to go do something everything costs too much everything costs something my god when you remember when the last time people gave stuff away free like books or mental health I know people need to be paid for the work but come on some of us live under the guidelines of the federal income I get $1,000 a month to live on Amazon add UA-cam hasn't come through yet that leaves me with 151.00 or so and that's going to go towards gas that doesn't include my car payment or the car insurance
I always want solutions more than support, I guess I'm weird
I feel the same way as you and talk therapy doesn’t seem to help me for this reason. I clicked this video though because I need to learn to be a better listener since I prefer solutions but others seem to want to vent. When I vent and don’t hear a solution it makes me feel worse!
@goldengirl8355 Yep, same, I've noticed others are different and I'm not good at listening and supporting
@@markmuller7962 the old adage of treat others the way you want to be treated doesn’t seem to work in our case! Haha
@@goldengirl8355 Oh ye exactly 😆
:)
Holding space is the worst term for this. Physically, holding space already exists, so to use it metaphorically it would have to match. And it doesn’t.
I truly dislike the robot voices.
I've never been with a older woman.. although I am now a little older myself. But have I ever been with a smarter woman
Idk if it's just me, but I find the animated characters a bit disturbing xD They seem a bit out of place for such a video
I agree. This video had a dozen different characters. Her videos didn’t used to have so much animation and graphics. It used to mostly just be her talking for about 10 mins with maybe one or two graphics and that was it. It felt like a psychology professor giving simple explanations of psychological and psychiatric topics. It’s especially distracting because the characters featured are of totally different art styles, some are 3D, some are 2D, and they all look like they’re by different artists. Maybe she’s making her videos this way to make them more accessible or fun to watch for the general public. But her videos weren’t always so “commercial.” I miss her old format.
@JohnSmith-wi4xo Thanks for the feedback. I'll pass this on to my editor. As for the commercial aspect, are you considering the motion graphics commercial or are you referring to me talking about my products?
I'm completely fine with it!
@@AliseVersluis Thanks, I appreciate that.
We want a video about panic attack disorder, treatment, and agoraphobia 😢😢
The random cut to a 3D model of a man with an AI voice was really unnerving. I had to stop watching the video.
It's not therapy but it is. I saw a therapist, he was a relatively handsome man. Would you sleep with your therapist? I'm trying but I can't help but feel that I've got a stomach full of ipecap. It's a joke; what could be more valuable to your recovery than simply nothing? Anyone can have this. Sort of like a dandelion somehow pushing up an entire asphalt road, how is a sexual relationship possibly therapeutic. SEX! Look at these pictures, why are these people enjoying each other doing nothing. Some woman is talking about her boyfriend, and somehow that man just does it for her, but how is completely ambiguous. What is it about though, if you're a doctor you're working with people.. woman and their 700 eggs, men and their 4000 children. Is their a goal worthy of pursuit in these relationships.. I don't know how evolution gives you bona fide ideas, but maybe it just does.. and if you can feel settled while working at these goals.. or actually not really working at them, you might just feel that somehow you're seeing things you're doing in a new light.
Those were normal people and they were in an exclusive club. The doctor wants you to feel that kind of attachment for the same reasons, but now there is pathology involved. Who is willing to care for you then? When I was working in MRI, I scanned a lovely young woman with a colostomy bag half full. There's also something to be said with having standards for yourself, but there is also the presence of undefeatable problems.
But now, we're getting down to Dr. Pills. wait wait wait, what's Dr. Pills going to do about this. I'm not quite sure, but the psychiatrist is going to be interested for a lot of reasons in how this person is chasing that metal rabbit. It would be interesting, the Dr. gave you a pill that mimics having a supportive partner, now what is it that you did? I mean it's Dr. Pills, maybe for this person, that was even what was best, please don't have another person involved. Now what is that pill. To me, that pill is probably modafinil.
Dr.Marks, I hold my BS in Diagnostic Medicine and you are far off the mark on this one.
Thanks!
You’re welcome and thank YOU! 🙏🏽❤️
Thanks
You’re welcome and thank you! 🙏🏽
❤