A couple of weeks ago, a sweet older lady i work with asked me if I'd start a side job on the weekends with her. I said yes instantly simply because she's such a likeable lady and "yes" just fell out of my face like a reflex. I could have used the money, sure, I'm trying to save for a car. But with the hours I'm already pulling and my health issues, i dreaded it instantly. So much that i called her that same night and was 100% honest. I told her i have a habit of saying yes to things but it would be too much for me and i hope she finds someone suitable. She was so understanding, even related to being a pushover and we had a great heart to heart on that. It was such a relief. This is something I'll continue to work on. Love your videos!
The awful INFJ "pushover" syndrome--don't want to let them down! I am grateful for the rich inner life. Saying No usually ends up such that one becomes isolated.
It's worked so well for me that I don't even have an emergency contact anymore. I could die and no one would notice until maybe the neighbors smelled something, and by then my cat would have eaten off my face.
Recovering Soul me too, I've started to realize that I've boxed myself into isolation as a result of my history of declining invitations and also never reaching out to anyone (since I hate rejection and don't want to bother people). I'm now stumped when asked for emergency contact info. I also have a cat that I would trust over my dead body.
Sue Crumley I hate reaching out to anyone. So used to them not being there when I need someone, or me feeling like I am a burden to others. There was a time when I would give endlessly and without expecting anything in return. But no one does that for me
Recovering Soul you’re so right, I’ve been let down so many times it becomes harder to reach out as people often disappoint and I never want to burden others either, often feel so misplaced in this world. I relate to so many on this forum- it is comforting 😊
I'm a people pleaser by nature but I've finally learned to say no. When I first made that change, some people in my life revolted! They were totally confounded! I guess I spoiled them so badly that they couldn't believe that I would deny them anything or ask for some time to myself to recharge. DOES NOT COMPUTE. File No. exe not found. It was a difficult transition because I already felt bad and was being called selfish on top of it! They adjusted after a while though, and I don't feel so guilty now. I have needs too, and if I don't take care of them I eventually end up resenting the things I agree to do for people. I got the shakes and then cried after the first time I stood up for myself lol. #thuglyfe
Brittany S I totally relate! When I said no to certain people in my life I too had the dreaded S word thrown in my face. But what they wanted me to do made no sence. And they also were only looking at it from one side and would not listen when I said I've done the research here. If your in doubt, there are numbers you can call. People you can talk to. They refused, seeking to cling to thier one diamentional ways and use it as an excuse to call me selfish. I agree it hurts. But good for you for doing it! Revolts pass. You have one life and can't be expected to bow to every desire of someone else. In the end hopefully these types of people will learn to actually respect what I like to call "a caring backbone". I also come out 55-60% feeler and 40-45% thinker too (depending on the test) though and apparently only 30% of the world is what they call "balance brained". I can have crazy deep feelings that can overtake me at times, but other times I can be quite logical. Feel I have a foot in two worlds at times which can be both great and overwhelming simultaneously.
That sounds awful.🖤😔The S word stings man. Some people just don't get it, and are quick to judge, maybe because the thing they are asking is something they would do for us? A lack of understanding is no excuse, however, for slapping that label on someone's back. Benefit of the doubt, right? ☺️Thanks for the encouragement. I do think that it is good to make sacrifices sometimes. I don't want to be lazy and self centred. I love seeing others happy, and helping them, but not to the point that I'm hurting myself. There is such a thing as healthy level of "selfishness" that preserves self-respect. Self-love basically. That ties in with what you said, a "caring backbone". I believe that to be truly kind and loving (which is different from being "nice"/polite), people must be kind enough to themselves first. Balance is the objective. Wow I relate so hard to what you said about logic and emotion!😱😵 It's like they both well developed, which is great, but they are at war with each other sometimes?
Brittany S Yuppers. It's all about the balance between going out of your way enough for people but not to the point of being a doormat and/or losing your identity. Even as an inverted feeler I've had to learn my boundaries in the past. When I was younger I'd care too much for some and get plowed over. Not due to bowing so much but going so much out of my way to try to rescue them from a bad situation. But alot of the time, mystery sadly does love company. These days I realize I can't save people. people pleasing was never my issue too much, but rather going too far out on a limb to try to save them was. Yes, the older I get, the more my logic and emotion seem to balance out. Sometimes my feelings do still win out, but more often than not due to my faith I can usually talk myself off the ledge so to speak. But yes it does hurt, do doubt. In this particular case, I'd really like to think they would not give in. It would result in thier life being much worse so I'd like to think if they were ever in my shoes as parents they'd never resort to this particular thing they expected of me but who knows. I just knew my son only had me to protect him. It was not about them, it was about my boy and his safety. They didn't get that.
Well I commend you for being a person of integrity and not giving into that unreasonable person. You infps have a certain strength that blows me away sometimes. My stepdad is an infp and he is very much a man of rock-freakin-solid uncompromising integrity.
I've always struggled with this, but I've found a loophole! Maybe this will work for other people as well. For this strategy I use my little sister, mostly because she's always copied whatever I've done, and I think, would I want her to follow my example on this? If she copied what I did and not what I said, would I be okay with that? I've gotten to a more senior position at my job now, and i think, if I would tell newer employees who look up to me not to say yes to this, I should practice what I preach and also not say yes. Basically, I give so many other people advice on how to take care of themselves, I need to practice what I preach or I'll be a hypocrite. Disclaimer: It's still hard, it still sucks, and I generally need someone to validate me on it after lol. But hey, it's better then burn out!
Your videos are actually what helped me say "No" to my friends. When I tell them my social battery is drained, they're like "say no more." Living my best INFP life :)
Can completely relate and it is something I have been working on for some time. It is when I had a complete burnout/ break down that I realized I had to change. Setting boundaries is NOT selfish. I have always lived with guilt, like you. But try to look at it from the other side, if you stretch yourself too thin, then you won't be good for anyone or anything. You saying no might lead the person asking to find another person for the activity- someone who is keen and ready and waiting for the opportunity. You saying yes could actually be selfish. Also, we INFJs need to remember we are worthy of self-care. It is ok to say no. It is good to focus on projects that are important to us. We are more useful to others in the future if we focus on ourselves a bit now.
No matter whether I say yes or no, just like you I still feel like I've made the wrong decision and I feel so guilty. I feel that I say 'no' too often though, especially when it comes to hanging out with people. I always say no because I feel inadequate and like I'm not good looking enough or interesting enough and everyone will see my flaws and judge me, so I never hang out with anyone. I want to say 'yes' more often but it's hard. In order to push myself more, I've started signing up to volunteer for events this year. It's kind of exciting but a lot more daunting. One event I arrived at and left super early because I started feeling so anxious that I felt physically sick and I just wanted to go home. When I'm not alone, curled up in a ball in my room, I feel constantly judged and guilty and like everyone hates me so I should just stay inside.
I took a class in college for introverts, called Women Who Whisper. WWW and this was before the internet, cuz, ya know, I'm ancient. The first class was really awkward because the teacher was late. Put a bunch of introverts in a room and no one says a word. Could hear a pin drop. We all sat carefully avoiding eye contact and staring at our feet. We had an assignment for a week or two that every time we would normally say YES to something we should say NO instead, and vice versa. So, do the opposite of what we normally did. Just little baby steps to push us out of our comfort zones. It still took me a really long time to open up to anyone. I think the fact that people are asking you to go out means that they want to spend time with you. If it is a group thing and you would feel more comfortable one on one, maybe you could suggest that instead? But I don't think someone would ask if they DIDN'T like you.
Guilt is the worst. It is the same feeling like I was a kid and skipped a class. The best way to avoid this (hello anticipatory anxiety) is to make sure they will not ask you to do something - pretending all the time to be busy, lazy, not capable, deaf, in coma, dead ;)
Is it still "I" in a sentence like "I was talking ABOUT my friends and ..." I or me? I'm not a native speaker but I would like to be correct, so please help :)
justinael Need FJ to weigh in, but if we remove the Friends word you are left with "...talking about me" or "...talking about I". Neither sounds quite right to me. Perhaps it is "...talking about myself"?? So the complete thing would be "I was talking ABOUT my friends and myself" unless the sentence continues with something like "...decided to get a sandwich", in which case it would be just the "I" I think. English is a really difficult language.
it's funny to I that everyone understands how to use the pronouns I/me when used alone, but then get all confused when "and/or" is added to the sentence.
5:05 Totally! I have to remind myself constantly that it's not a big deal to say no to requests for favors or companionship from peripheral people because the asker probably has other people in their life who can do that for them. I find myself agreeing against my will to social engagements because I'm afraid if I keep turning someone down, the person will eventually stop asking (and think I'm a bad person?) and then I've lost that relationship permanently/now it's awkward. My "rate of friendship" is so much slower than other people's, it's difficult to make connections and maintain relationships. I am slow to call someone a friend and, once the friendship is established, require rather infrequent interaction. I could lock myself in my home for three months and be happy seeing no one. When the other person wants to meet up weekly, it creates an anxiety-inducing imbalance. I always fear the other person getting the impression that I don't like them or don't want to spend time with them (fair assumption when I turn down or drag out making plans), when really I just have such a low need for social interaction. So I say yes to give the relationship a little boost before it dies (and sometimes I have a great time and other times I wonder why the eff I'm making myself miserable to save this friendship). I have changed my tactics slightly as I've gotten older: once a fledgling friendship gains a little momentum, I usually just explain to New Friend that I require a lot of alone time and please don't take it personally if I turn down plans. In my reality, friends, gigs, etc don't compete with each other for my time, they compete with my beloved alone time, and that's okay. I try to think of it like: 1. people and projects well matched to me will understand that, and 2. it's okay to let go of people who have a different "friendship frequency" than I have (the sooner the better, honestly). I guess my "advice" from one ridiculously neurotic-agreeable person to another would be: Tell yourself that living your life according to your own interests, pace, and principles will attract people and projects who are best suited to you. Say it, believe it, practice it, amd watch it work. Saying "no" to something you don't want to do creates space in your life for more of what you do want (even if you don't know what that is yet).
Everything used to be a huge chore for me as I was agoraphobic so I understand that whole not knowing what you actually want to do, but yes, getting out even to go shopping used to be terrible. I was terrified of all the bad things that could happen. But I started saying yes to these little things, shopping, going to a family member's house, out to eat, etc., which then opened the door for me to do more fun things like concerts, comedy shows, going to Chicago and not fearing freakouts or things. So, if someone invites me somewhere nowadays I just say yes because now it's about experiencing life again, which for so long I couldn't. I went to Second City, which was something I never thought I'd be able to do. I can ride trains now, which used to be an impossible feat in my head, being trapped on a train for hours. I do it a lot now :) However, I still have a problem saying yes to people I've never met before wanting to meet up IRL. It's not that I wouldn't feel safe with them, but more so scared of the awkwardness of the situation. So, I guess that's more so social anxiety and fear of rejection again. I gotta start meeting people, though. I gotta do it.
Also, don't feel bad for saying no. Your own feeling of not wanting to do something is a legitimate reason to not do it. I can see you have a giant heart, man, and that's rare nowadays really. That's a special thing, just how much you care about not hurting people's feelings, etc.
OMG i so relate to this! I have agoraphobia too and it's really difficult to leave the house. That is the key! Pushing onwards even when it feels strange. At least i know i'm not alone! Good for you for taking that step and transforming that fear into something positive!
I'm sorry you're going through that. It really, really is horrible. And it's like the longer you go without doing anything, the fears just multiply exponentially and you start fearing things you never did before, silly things to most "normal" people, but super scary things to people like us. I have to admit I also have the help of an SSRI, but you still have to push yourself into doing it step by step. I don't know if any of you have seen the movie "What About Bob?" but baby steps to the elevator... baby steps down the hallway... baby steps to the sidewalk... haha! I am Bob Wiley to a T. :) But yeah, I've said no for so long, it's time to start saying yes!
My manager called me a pushover yesterday. It pissed me off, but she wasn’t wrong. I alwaaaaays say yes to everyone and everything. And I resonate with needing a better excuse than “I don’t want to,” although I’ve gotten a little better about it. Lame as it is, starting to say no to close friends every now and again has really seemed to help. I’m all for jumping in headfirst, but when it comes to getting over my need to please people..I needed to start slow and feel more empowered, because I feel sooo guilty afterwards.
I joined a sorority at college as a way to “come out of my shell,” but all it really taught me was how to say no, often and clearly. 😂 I felt like a jerk at first, but I had to prioritize for my own sake - I couldn’t say yes to drinking in a musty frat basement on a Tuesday night if I had to be up the next morning to tutor kids, regardless of how many people I pissed off. I tried doing both, and it wound up with me nearly puking in a middle school bathroom, so...yeah. Now that I’m a teacher, I say no all the time (hence the Miss No nickname I mentioned in a previous comment). It’s easier to say it to a bunch of kids than it is to my colleagues and friends, though. Even now, I’m guilty of making up excuses and using the fact that I have pets at home as a way to leave situations early. So, basically, my advice is: 1) become a miserable sorority girl, 2) become a teacher and practice saying no a trillion times a day, 3) if those steps fail, get pets and start making shit up. 😉
Holly N haha same here on points 2 and 3! Only thing is I said no to the sorority because I didn’t want to conform. Lol. Maybe I should have joined, I would have learned to say no a lot sooner. Lol.
Me P Lol I feel you! I was in what I can only affectionately describe as the weird girl sorority on campus, so I didn’t have to conform too much, but I still hated being told where and when I had to socialize. 😂 It was hard to say no at first, but it definitely saved me a lot of time and trouble.
I'd love to have those no cards, and just keep them in my bag for whenever someone asks me if I'd like to do something. That awkward pause when I'm genuinely thinking about it and they're standing there expecting an answer is just so pressuring and agonising.
Saying yes is indeed a problem! My problem is that if I am put in an unexpected situation, I panic and give a quick answer; which most of the time is not what I would normally answer if I would have known previously!
This is spot on.....! thank you for that. I wanted to add the situation where...you finally say "No".......and then you start feeling really bad. its like an endless interior battle, really exhausting.
Hey FJ, proud of you for saying no! That's a hard thing to do but it sounds like you are prioritizing something bigger. Nice job! I have resolved this year that I would (with a few important exceptions) work only within my working hours this year - no more committees, no more leadership, no clubs. Taking an extended leave from work put everything into focus. I quit the band that was frustrating me, I started putting more time into developing my own musicianship. Another band invited me to play with them, I went to one rehearsal and I said afterwards, "That was a fun time, but this isn't the right band for me." You don't ever have to justify not wanting to do something. Sometimes you just outgrow a situation. It's important to periodically list your priorities lest you become stagnant. (ha, I used the word "lest")
Ambivalence is the road to suffering., I used to be addicted to saying yes to peoples’ requests, it was crazy. I couldn’t say no, & I never could consider my own needs, interests, desires, it was like there was only one right way to go.. but little by little my resentment & unhappiness built up, and finally I saw there was no benefit to saying yes all the time. As a matter of fact, the people were corrupted by me placating them every time ~ I was making the world worse, not better. As time went by, parts of me got so sick of my self abandonment ~ it would self sabotage me, so that I had to say “ no, sorry, I can’t help you with such & such”. Nowadays, I hold off making any decisions until it’s almost time to really decide, and then I decide. In this way, I do not have any tension or anxiety. 🤫 Also, I am enjoying building up self trust. ~ Just recently, a long time associate tried to wrangle me into doing a favor for her, involving, breaking an agreement I have with my work associates. As usual, she waited till the last minute to pop up in my office & pretended it was a social visit, then on her way out, she asked, “ ok so Sunday you’ll open the space for us, right ? 😉 I am super flexible from being so available for people who call on me for last minutes “ , help “, I could have done it on my head .. so I said “yeah “ .. Then on the morning of said, favor, she was supposed to msg me, but didn’t. And guess what ? I wasn’t feeling like going in., I was having too much fun just hanging out in my place. So I said, “ well, that’s that . “~ I did contact supervisors earlier in the day, to see if u could get her clearance. They said, no. Which is good to know, eh ? If I went on ahead, without getting the back story , it wouldn’t look so good for me, & do you think these guys would stand up for me ? It doesn’t even matter, I’m standing up for myself. It’s Sunday, my day off, I can sit in bed all day if I like. I don’t even need a reason or an “ excuse “ for not helping this lady, who by the way, never did any favors for me .. ( 20 years ) Well, I didn’t go in. Guess what? She got my niece to call me & bug me “ about what’s wrong, am I ok ?! “ so I get into static with her, because my niece never calls me, why call me now ? It was so strange. So I had to straighten out this girl as well. I told her, she was being so disrespectful to me, to call & ask why I wasn’t there, as if she was my site supervisor. ( she doesn’t even work for the company ) ~ I was patient to take time to explain to her, because I raised her when she was very little.. but she’s a big girl now, & has ideas of her own. She was calling me out, because it is a cultural taboo to say no to an elder or a person of significance ~ in their culture. What everybody forgot is that I’m not from their clan .. I regret even taking the time to msg to my niece, because it felt like “ here I go, making excuses .. & only children make excuses “. I can just say, “no” . ~ Later that night, the lady mentioned about how she was put on the spot, because I didn’t show up ( to “ help her” , gain unauthorized access to the bldg, ) I said, “ why didn’t u use your key ?” And she says, she didn’t have one. ~ Meanwhile she lied for over s year that she had the key to the bldg. .. ~ I see how saying yes, got me entangled with some shadey people.. I see how I need to keep scaling back doing any favors. I’m addicted to scoring points, to let people like me. ~ Right now, I’m working on self approval. Period 👋🏽🤭
I use to say yes a lot to things I enjoyed doing e.g. being involved in community organizations/volunteering. I would be involved for a couple years and then either felt burned out or not interested. I could never understand why others would be involved in a particular thing for years and I would think something was wrong with me because I would lose interest. My "Ah Ha" moment was when I found out I was an INFJ. INFJ's love to learn, that was me, I love to learn new things, in lots of different area in life. Now, I'm not so hard on myself when I lose interest in something and I can anticipate that whatever it is I'm doing will only be for a short time and then I'm on to the next adventure. And, that's OK. Frank, I love your channel because I can relate to a lot of what you talk about. Thank you so much!!!
Ok, so after listening to this, I really get what you mean. When you care about people, and you tend to be super responsible and understanding of others, it does push one into a mode called ‘saving the day’. It is a syndrome I also have. So, I completely understand and see your point. I definitely tend to take everything upon me so I can solve stuff, yet when I might need a bit of help, I often realize that people don’t reciprocate. I know it is not done on purpose. But rare are those people who genuinely care for others and care to help those in need. And that realization hurts. A lot.
All about healthy boundaries. And trusting your instincts. It's much easier for me when I offer a short reason with my no. Not a long monologue of reasons, which makes people feel weird and believe you less. I've always gotten a decent response and understanding at those times. That way I don't feel guilty and they feel satisfied with my no.
INFJ here and this has been a huge challenge for me all my life. But I have gotten much better at it and there where two phrases that opened my eyes and helped me say NO when I really needed to: 1) When you say YES to someone/something, it means that you at the same time say NO to someone/something else, often yourself and those people or things that are important to you. So if someone ask me something now, I always consider what I say NO to if I say YES to them. 2) If you say YES all the time your YES will loose its value. People will expect you to always say YES, and be disappointed/irritated if you say NO, because they take your YES for granted. And I want people to be happy/grateful when I say YES and really value it, and know that I don't always give my YES away. These mindsets helped to put it all in perspective, and it is much easier to say NO to stuff that I really don't want to do and say YES to my self and what I really care about! :) PS: I love your videos - all of them! :)
Give yourself permission to say no. That side gig you said no to, they'll find someone else, the world will keep turning. Now that you've gone out of your comfort zone and taken the first step and said no, the next time it'll be a little easier, maybe still uncomfortable but you'll be making small changes with big intentions. Changing your mindset will surely bring your tangible desires within reach. Just say no! Turn it into a positive for you, rather than FOMO flip it so it's JOMO the Joy of Missing Out 😉
@@Reveris I hope that FJ keeps JOMO in mind or any other pearls he finds in the comments. I know that since I've been watching his vlogs and I've pushed myself out of my comfort zone that "voice" in my head sometimes sounds like FJ 😂
Thank you for this video and the previous one. So many little gems and relatable moments and insights. Most of my life I've feared, in particular, saying no to men. This has gotten me into emotional and physical trouble, pain, confusion... etc. It doesn't help when I heard a male friend explain how if a woman isn't frequently available for his requests early in dating (even if she seems to like him, in my opinion, and just normal life stuff sometimes gets in the way) he will stop pursuing her because she "doesn't seem interested". It's a lot of pressure to think if you say no once that someone will 'reject you', or that their ego is so fragile that they can't handle it. But I'm learning that those guys aren't the right guy for me, and even if it's taken a long long time, I'm grateful to learn that. I think you learn a lot about someone when you say no, more than you do if you say yes when you really want to say no. That's why I love the quote you shared at the end, too. Oh and I also have been forcing myself to say "yes" as my head was screaming no and challenge that confusing feeling of "is this instinct or anxiety?!"... I also have OCD so it can get REALLY tricky (ie: "if I say yes to doing this when I don't feel like doing it, am I doing a compulsion? so then i should do the opposite? Or, is it a sign that I SHOULD do it because it's freaking me out and so therefore I'm NOT doing a compulsion? And what if I'm wrong and I do it and my life is ruined because I picked the wrong thing?"... ) In a way, the OCD exposure is the same process - you face your fear, you go through with it (whatever it is) based on your values and just feel the anxiety as you do it. Sometimes I feel god awful and my heart doesn't stop pounding for hours. But when I look at the objective data of the day or event, etc, it has, so far, ended up being more than fine and, dare I say it, even successful or highly positive compared to what I had feared. I still need to recover for like 5 days afterwards, but, hey, onwards and upwards, friends in anxiety!
I did rebirthing breathwork sessions and found out I actually have deeper boundaries than I was aware of. You need to get to know who you really are, not who you've become in order to keep other people happy with you. Things may appear to fall apart for a time when you start adhering to your true self, but that's an illusion. Keep sticking to who you are, and things fall together.
I'm an INFJ and also way too agreeable. Most of the people in my social circle are extroverts they use every minute of their free time to organize some events or gatherings. All this social interaction started to drain me after a while and I started to say no more often but then my "no" wasn't taken seriously. Different people from the friend group would call me and try to convince me to come and sometimes I would say "yes" just for them to stop asking for a valid reason for me not coming. In both cases i would feel extremely guilty and selfish and as if I was drawing intentionally the attention towards me. I feel like I need to have a valid excuse available at all times in case I don't want to hang out. Even as I am writing a paper for my bachelors degree (which is not fun) I am still happy that I get to use this as an excuse to not hang out and that's a bit crazy.
YES! I immediately say yes to participate and also, I regret it instantly, because deep down I don't want to do anything for anyone if there is a chance I will fail and disappoint. Also I don't have much energy left to spare. So I'd rather not waste it on things that cause me nothing but stress. Which is everything. But I say yes when the person asking me is 1. enthusiastic (I copy that), 2. sad (I want to make them feel better) 3. dominant (because I always feel inferior) 4. scared (because I want to comfort them) etc. I would like to order some of those cards now please.
I used to say “no” to a lot of stuff that I wanted to do because of anxieties about whatever event, person, place it was to go see. And then say “yes” to things like staying after hours at work, taking on other people’s work in group projects because they’re behind... I never want people to think I’m unreliable or letting them down. I’m working on saying “yes” to fun stuff more and “no” when I can see others are taking advantage of me. But like you FJ, the crushing guilt is always there. Thanks for your video.
Haha you’re amazing frank. I say yes too much too but I’m learning to say “let me think about it.” So I can have a chance to say no instead of instantly saying yes to everything
FOMO is real man!!... I really enjoyed this rant Frank... I really related to this sadly! I need to learn to say no more often, thanks for the encouragement👍
Hey Frank, Connecting this to your previous vid, I had a social anxiety of people leaving me if I don't please them or if they see me for who I truly am. I became agreeable to the degree others stopped asking for my opinion, which I always have one but don't usually share. By that time, I started developing an internal rage monster because the idea that these people are taking advantage of me took over my mind. The injustice of it all! lol. It made me more frustrated and depressed than before. I said to myself "that won't do". There has to be some type of boundary, not just externally but internally also. I listen to all the parts within giving their take on the issue (too long to explain here but I tried to locate the origin of each voice and why it was voicing that). In the end, it's not easy to make a decision with all that, but considering all the options, one usually stands out in a particular situation at hand, and see what the result is (as you said). The other parts with time align to agree to do what's best in the situation and for the person. Look up self "fragmentation". Best regards! Zee
This infp is proud of you for saying "no" and taking care of your inner health. You deserve it, and everyone should be doing it as often as they can/need. It's not realistic, but it's what I believe lol. When I say "no" to things, I usually offer an explanation, which I feel does two things: it let's the person know exactly where I stand, and maybe creates some insight or vulnerability that I get to show them like "hey, I said 'no', but I value our relationship, so I'm telling you why and trusting you to understand." It puts the relationship ball in their court in a way and keeps things muy authentico. idk hope that makes sense. I might also say things like "I'm sorry I can't come, or work on this thing, but let's figure out another time or another way." My biggest fear is that they think I don't want/value/care about them, so I try and say things that reaffirm that I do. Sometimes you just have to be honest with them, though, and say "no, never again." That other person who is doing this thing with you wants you to be as passionate about it as they are sometimes. Imagine if they found out how you really felt. Would they want you to participate, then? If they are worth having in your life, of course they would think "no, don't do this if you're not into it." If they think, "well, this guy sucks, screw his needs", then yeah they can go try and ruin someone else's life lol. Sorry for the long comment
I'm exactly the same but in the past few years I've been saying 'no' a lot more often, and been happier for it. I am still struck with the guilt, that just comes with the package, but I've long since realized that the times where I say 'yes', enduring whatever it is I have to go to (social event, family event etc) is always 100 times worse than the guilt I'd have suffered by saying 'no'. Every time. When I was a kid and I'd be dragged to this, that and the other, whenever we'd get home my mum would say 'see, you're glad you went now aren't you', and I'd just agree and shuffle off to my room. But no.... it's not that I was glad I went, I realized I was glad it was OVER. Huge difference. And like you said, realizing that you are not as important to other people as you seem to assume you are is something that helps with saying 'no'. I used to worry and imagine everyone going 'oh no, is she okay?', 'what a bummer she can't be here', 'wish she was here', 'just not the same without her, is it!' etc when in reality they're probably just getting on with their day and not paying you a single thought! lol
No drama, no chaos, anything trying to keep the peace... It's ok.. You will learn to say no... I know because of the fact I now can say no... though I won't tell you how long it took... Your are already so many years ahead of most people knowing this about yourself...kuddos!
Saying No is a way of showing love to yourself, being aware of who you are and what you really want to do in a specific moment. The most important thing in the world has to be you. Yoga has helped me to understand how important is taking care of yourself. Maybe it could work on you, too! I apologize for my bad English. Greetings from Spain!
This is what I heard some months ago from self-help teachers: When you say Yes to everyone because you think you can't say No, it's not that you don't say No. You are saying No to yourself, No to an evening reading a great book, No to a relaxing weekend with your family, No to an enjoyable lunch at the table. Do you love yourself? Say Yes to the one you love.
-I’ve started trying to respect my feelings of not wanting to do things as a reason enough -I try to think of saying “no” as an opportunity to build trust with people. Other wise the obligations are going to eventually degrade trust
I was in a similar situation recently. I said no, even though the thing was an opportunity to challenge myself, grow and to get out my comfort zone. I need that so much right now. But I chose to give myself a break, acknowledge how far I’ve come and not put myself down about it.
Well, Mr James, looks like you have nearly four hundred comments left on this already - and i haven't read all of them.... but as an infj i have to agree with what you say here.... Being far far far too agreeable like you, i automatically go along with expectations. This is a problem now because i have gradually (over many years of private thinking and not letting on to others!) changed my inner convictions about a few core issues involving our small close-knit church. Because of this new sense of my own values, i am trying to find a way of extracting myself from the heavy commitments i've allowed myself to take on, and the expectations of all those closest to me including my husband and parents and sister, and so far i don't know how to say no to them because they really will feel let down!!! and they certainly won't agree with me or even like me any more. If it was someone else i would say, "be strong and be true to yourself." Heh heh heh.... (hollow laughter). infjs find this super hard to do, no matter how angry and passionate they feel inside about things. If someone disagrees, what then? (keep shutting up and nodding??)
I can relate 100%! I agreed to do something for the last 9 years because it's a family thing even though my brain said NO! NO! NO! This year the rest of the family decided it was time to end the tradition...finally.
This goes straight to the Achilles heel! I have practiced for a decade now and gotten, and I'm being generous, maybe 10% better at saying NO. Because I suck so badly at "refusing to help people in need" (Actually, I think most 'helpless' people are just lazy or incompetent af😑, not that I'm that important) I've just removed people who constantly want things from me from my life. Literally I self isolate in order to avoid being asked to do stuff, or for things, because I am so bad at saying NO. Weird thing is, I'm actually way less stressed out now that I have become a minimalist regarding attachments to people. I'm still too nice but I can now avoid entanglement with people who enjoy taking advantage of nice people, if that makes sense. I can now say NO to entire relationships with people, many of whom are just takers, instead of having to say no to constant requests and not feel bad about it. That probably wouldn't work for you because you enjoy people but for me it's been a good way to cope.
I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder... and one thing they teach you about anxiety according to cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) is that avoidance is the refuge of anxiety. Now, if you don’t want to take a job because you’re too busy with other projects, that’s one thing. Avoiding friends and family or other social stuff because you just don’t “want” to? That sounds like anxiety to me. Sometimes? Sure why not. I enjoy a good night at home. All the time? That’s something to be worried about.
I hear what you're saying, and I have anxiety as much as the next guy (and really have to work on my avoidance of certain things like you said!), but for me, it's like someone asking me to eat cardboard with them. I don't want to because I don't want to. I wish that was a good enough reason for them, but it's not for a certain kind of person. So I say yes, because I'm a people pleaser and a pushover. For me, it's not always anxiety (though sometimes it is), and often times it's because I have no interest. Hah, I dunno, actually sometimes I have more anxiety telling someone "no" than the consequences of saying "yes" and that's why I say "yes"! It's a lose lose xD
I totally agree. I can be too agreeable and I end up saying yes to a bunch of things that I don’t really want to do. For example, I was volunteering with a nonprofit organization that was doing something that I felt I should strongly support. The thing is, they would asked me for a lot of my time and I just feel like it would drain me out a lot. So I ended up having to say no, I can’t help you guys anymore. And I did that because I just felt like I should be dedicating more time to me since at that time I barely had time for myself, I was too involved in too many things. And for the first couple weeks I I felt horrible but after those two weeks I realize how important it is to be able to say no to things that you don’t want to do and start dedicating some time to you or to the things you like
I have a hard time saying no for sure and it's because I have a hard time drawing boundaries. I notice I have this pattern of being excited just because the other person is excited and I say yes to their offer because, truly, at the time, their excitement is so influential on me that I believe that my yes is a true yes. But a few hours or days will go by and I'll say to myself, "why did you say yes? Ugh now either you gotta go through with it or find a way to back out". I'm becoming cognizant enough to know that other people have influence on me and it takes me about a day of letting it marinate in my mind, and being by myself (and not in another's influence) to know full well that my yes is a true yes. So lately, I try to say transparently, "That sounds cool. I'm not 100-100-100% sure though. I'm working on my boundaries and sometimes I say yes too quickly. Would it be okay to let me think about it?" Usually they're like no problem, yea think about it!
I love the enneagram because it pin points what is motivating you. I’m a type 9. I have major fear of conflict. I say yes to avoid conflict. Other types might say yes because they have a certain image to up hold. All 9 types have a central fear that motivates their actions
I'm very similar but I've been able to get a "back bone" through being gently honest. Saying things like, "that makes me uncomfortable" or "I'm going to think on that and get back to you" are always hard to say but I will no longer compromise a part of myself to please (or get someone's approval) someone else. Getting sick with chronic illnesses will snap that people pleasing stuff right out of you. Although my diseases are going into remission, it's not a way I would choose to learn how to say no. Anyone who doesn't value your worth is not worth your time.
I have to be well rested and centered before I say yes. Sometimes it feels like a missed opportunity to get out of my head. To answer your question. I'm protecting people from myself when I say no.
At this time i happen to be re-reading the book Goddesses In Every Woman by Jean Shinoda Bolen. In it there is the story of Aphrodite giving Psyche 4 tasks/tests she must complete. The 4th and final task is Learning To Say No. What i tell people i work with is to look for the "yes" behind their "no"- by saying "no" to this what are you saying "yes" to? When it comes to issues of "guilt" etc regarding feeling selfish for saying no to other people consider how you saying "yes" to something you really don't want to do is a lie, a selfish act based on concern of preserving a false image, that robs them of the opportunity of filing that spot in their life/ work with someone who actually does WANT to be there, and will ultimately serve them better because of that. When trying to make a decision when you are unsure of how you are really feeling about it yourself, i like the advice, "If it ain't a hell yes, than it's a hell no!"- this one proves most true when it comes to making romantic relating decisions.
Conversely, because INFJs have a difficult time declining requests, they usually make requests of people with outs built into the question...would you like to do...you don't have to...it's your choice etc. I'll be direct and assertive FJ. There's your next topic! Why am I not direct, assertive or even demanding (cringe) when making a request of friends, family and strangers.
Unfortunately, I can totally relate to that. I'm always afraid I'll disappoint people if I say "No"; and sometimes when I say "Yes" I just end up feeling bad and regretting accepting it at all. It's complicated...
I am happy to he back in the US and to catch up on your videos FJ. :) I have said no a lot lately. I said no to going to see a bunch of tribute bands with a friend two weeks after we had gone to summerfest. I was not interested in a trip for more live music at the time. I said no to paying for my sister's excursion trip in Mexico (so we did not go on the excursion trip. I had a budget and I did not exceed it. It's not my fault that money burns a hole in my sister's pocket, which resulted in her not having enough to do everything she wanted to do.). I said no to the Labor Day weekend trip to Jekyll Island with my sis and bro-in-law because last time I went with them I wound up paying for just about everything because they didn't have money and they didn't even tell me until we were on the road and at the gas station with an empty tank. I see that my sister and her husband spring their brokeness on me at the last minute so it has turned me off to trips with them. I hate being tricked. I feel good about getting better at saying no and I am psychologically prepared for whatever fallout transpires from doing things in a way that feels right. Going vegetarian helped, because I have become accustomed to saying no (to meat) several times a week over the last 7 months.
I was always saying yes that when I say no, people get offended. They think I'm mad or having an attitude. Even if I say it in the nicest way possible. I've just recently started putting myself first and it's really hard for people to accept. When I was always the one to step up, for who ever was needing me for what ever. This past year and a half has really shown me who my true friends are. Who really has my back when I need someone. You really know when the coin is flipped and you need to be on the receiving end.
I paused at 4:40 because I thought you were in my head... meaning “oh my gosh I’m 50 and have had those same thoughts for as long as I can remember”. I take on guilt so easily. And shouldn’t. I’m on a huge self medicating etoh kick which I clearly know is bad but I look at what I have been saying yes to- unpressured by anyone other than myself. I can’t trust my inner voice it seems. Also recently started reading Brene’ Brown wanting to self help and identifying and reclaiming an inner self love which is very necessary in life. Yes I can remember that time I had peace . When I overthink I note my self talk tells me its me, I should go along with _______ ( fill in that blank) and it all guilt, it’s ok that I don’t want to do whatever including relationships just because the person is great, just not working out. It’s a huge mind battle I strive to overcome. But, lol, am I self sabotaging -- it goes on and on. Ugh.
As an INFJ i can totally relate to this one! I have kissed guys on first dates when I really didn’t want to! 💋 I remember thinking to myself on many occasions this is horrible and when is it going to be over! 😣 Sometimes the guy has pounced on me and to a certain extent I don’t have much control over that but other times the guy has been very polite and asked me at the end of the date “do you mind if I kiss you?” and I’ll just say “ok” and go along with it even when every bone in my body is saying NO!!! 😫 It’s almost like in that moment it’s easier to just say yes rather than say no... but afterwards I always regret it and feel annoyed at myself for my lack of assertiveness and lack of boundaries... I think part of me is is worried about hurting their feelings by rejecting/offending the person and also scared of how they will react to me saying no... another thing is when I’m put on the spot like that I struggle to find the vocabulary to say no in a polite way (I get stuck in my head trying to find the right words and also gauge how they will react to those words) and I feel VERY AWKWARD 😬😬😬 so it just feels easier to say yes... maybe I need to practice saying no in front of the mirror at home or some “just say no” role play sessions!? 😆
Hi Frank and Everyone! I find it easier to say "no" if I force myself to think about the details of a situation. I just watched Frank's vlog, INFJs can't see the trees for the forest. I think it relates to how we decide to do something or not, and how we communicate that to others. If I think of the big picture, or the overall experience, as Frank describes INFJs as doing, I feel overwhelmed by the thing I don't want to do, and wimpy and guilty for not having a clear reason to say "no." If I think about the individual details of the circumstance, I can usually find a reasonable reason to say "no." For example, if I am invited to a bar, saying "no" because I am not "in the mood," is not usually accepted. However, if I say "no," specifically, because I can't tolerate being grabbed by drunks, or seeing bar fights, my reluctance makes more sense. The devil is in the details. If we "zoom in" enough, we can find that particular problem(s) that might allow us to say "no" with clarity and conviction. Thank you, Frank, for helping me to realize this!
That's just so me. It gets exhausting doing things we don't want to...I wouldn't want people doing what they don't wanna...why do I end up doing just that?🤔😣
I used to get really overwhelmed coz as soon as I cared about people I would spend WAY too much time speaking into them and not enough time refilling myself. I heard this message that revolutionized my life 2 years ago & the teacher said it’s scientifically proven that it’s hard to pour from a bottle that’s less than 15% full or more than 85% full. So we need to always have people that were pouring into and people that were receiving and learning from. It should also mean out life isn’t more than 85% full or we’re not spending more than 85% of our time alone. Honestly & practically that looks like having 1 night a week to yourself so you can realign yourself and relax. I realized I was on the brink of burnout because I’d added too many things to my life... all from a good heart, but some were more draining that edifying.
Huh?! Another I've never seen. I am much, much better at saying no now, than I ever was, but it's still killer guilt saying no to my mom.🙄 Go figure. I love that interesting song at the end. 😎 Great topic!✌️
Nope!, yeah I've had this feeling I've been saying yes a lot to the crap that I can't deal with. Thanks to my recent discovery of my personality (Infj), and watching your videos has helped me understand why I do these weird things. Yes, I am trying to improve and experiment with these uncomfortable decisions I take.
You know, usually I'm thinking "I can't say no because I need to be a good friend, I am loyal" or "I can't say it right now, because it wouldn't be nice of me to make this comment now", ...), but yesterday, someone important to me told me "but you have to be loyal to YOU in the first place!" . And I had never even thought about it..... but it felt so right. The problem is that when you say yes, and another yes, another yes and so on, your whole life is a huge piece of "yes" that should have been "no". That's how I feel about lots of things in my life right now, and I think it's even hard to know where to begin to actually follow our hearts like we should have in the first place. But we'll do it! :) THe more we'll think about it, the more we'll find ways to do it.
Relatable. I don’t want to do anything ever either. I feel massively guilty when I say “no,” but I still do it all the time. I am kind of extreme about not over extending myself. I fiercely protect my alone time. My family thinks I’m ridiculous. I could probably be more flexible.
I agree to do things because I figured that the thing could fill my thirst for adventure. Right now I'm dog sitting an energetic 10 month old Labrador. I've never met a dog that could fit my personality more.
I am currently trying to say no to others! I got myself in a bit of a bind that is causing me so much stress! Trying to establish boundaries in my life so I say yes to the right things!
A thought that helped me to say no to social events: No one likes to be surrounded by an unmotivated person who actually doesn't want to be there. You are going to be more fun if you have energy and motivation to socialize! So really, skipping some events to stay at home might actually be a favor to your friends and they are going to like you more when they experience the better side of you, once youre back :)
yes, Yes...YES!!! Physically I feel anticipatory pain related to anxiety. My doctor explained, it’s a rush of blood through the arteries and veins, the heavy pressure on the walls causes a feeling of pain that can come and go quickly. With over active thyroid issues, this happens dozens if not hundreds of times a day. These feelings can be exhausting filling the day with tons of extra stress.
Im a yes girl. Being a year snd a half out of a severely narcissistic abusive marriage/relationship Im finding myself all over again. Im 40 and my parents are supporting me because I lost my job and my car broke down and Im a single mother of 2 young teenage daughters 😵 but I relate to you in every way. Its crazy tho. Its hard to talk to ppl bc they don’t understand. I isolate myself. I have Anxiety Disorder, C-PTSD, Rheumatoid Arthritis, from it all. You really help me a lot. Thank you
Hahahah.. yes.. i have the same common problem with you in the old days to say no. And the same the first time I learned to say no, i have so much guilt inside my head. But the good things is it’s just inside my head and my life is just continue just as it is, and even much better, because i can say no to something that I don’t really want it or wamt to do it. And i think most of INFJ person hard to say no in the beginning, and we should learn how to do it. Otherwise we will waste so much time and not focusing on something that we really want. Anyway thanks for sharing all of your video Frank, it’s really help me a lot to know myself better. Hope you always have a great day..
I have conditioned myself to respond with: "I really don't think I CAN" when what I really mean is "I really don't think I SHOULD or WILL WANT TO." I feel extra guilty saying this only when I am not being productive with my own time. Also, as a female, I feel like it's socially discouraged to say "no" flat out. And as an INTP I complicate my no's with "no, but..." and then I offer 10 different alternatives or solutions that might solve their problem - which I'm sure comes off as arrogant and/or over accommodating. I can't help it though :( It makes me die a little inside when I see people trying to problem solve from a grossly limited amount of angles. But also, maybe they're not problem-solving and were just trying to include me to be nice... in which case it probably was rude of me to say no without thanking them profusely... but then again they may not care at all and I was just a random pick on a list of many people so thanking them profusely would be awkward... or... In short, your video was relatable and helpful.
I can relate to that, sometimes I listen to people's problems all the time, I love to help people, it makes me feel good, but sometimes it gets to head and mess up stuff and I start to somehow resent the person. I'm trying to work on saying no because it's important for your own sake. and as always, great video Frank, wish you the best forever and always
Yeah the guilt is soooo hard to deal with, but at a certain point you have to prioritize which things seem worth it in life and worth your time. Someone pointed out to me that at the end of the day, if I am being agreeable to someone even though I know for sure don’t particularly want to do something, then I’m actually doing a number of disservices to that person - I’m essentially wasting their time by taking part in something with them that I’m not excited about (and they want me to be on board), and I’m also treating them kind of like a child because I’m not giving them the respect of allowing them to handle their own emotions and thought processes. We have to let other people be adults and take care of themselves, because life is always going to hand them things that disappoint them; so saying no to them is actually the more loving thing to do; kind of like tough love. You can even be empathetic to them while you say no, and even have a conversation about. My automatic response is to feel guilty and feel responsible for others’ feelings, so it is a hard lesson for me to accept, but when I really think about it this tough love approach really does seem to make the most sense as a way for people to function together. It really is best if we are honest with ourselves and then able to give that honesty to others. And at the end of the day, we are only in our own heads, not theirs, so we really can only do what feels right for us and let them manage themselves. This is the lesson I’ve been learning especially in the last month.
i try to operate against the "why not" priniciple. i can easily say no if i *know* i don't want to, but too often i'm ambivalent and i'll just say, sure, why not. this has gotten me into a lot of trouble. i have found i need to have a reason to do something (and yes, to have fun is a good enough reason.) good for you, sticking up for what you know you want (or don't want.) you are just as important as the people you said no to. what you want is just as important as what they want.
Don't just say 'No', say 'No thanks' with a smile. Doing the right thing doesn't mean that you do everything that you're told. Part of doing the right thing means, doing the right thing _for yourself._ Standing up for oneself _is the right thing to do._ It's up to each individual to decide at any given moment, whether to do the right thing by others or by yourself. It's about balance, or about balancing the over-all good. One important lesson when dealing with a toxic person or narcissist, is that when they ask you to do something you don't want to do, or something which gives them psychological power over you, you should always say 'No thank you' with a smile. A lot of "INFJs" and "HSPs" and all these other terms we use for people like us, will have had or will have in the future, some experience with a toxic person. Get prepared. Learn about it.
For me it depends on the situation and the person or people it involves. I do definitely relate to the thought that if I say no it is going to like permanently cast a negative view over myself in others eyes. Or that later I am going to regret not doing it. I also relate to the experience thing. For some reason I have this thing where I am always looking to "experience" something. I was sick one time and had to ride in an ambulance. You would have thought it would have bothered to some degree, but all I could think about was the "once in a lifetime experience" that I was "privileged" enough to get.
Interesting the big 5 personality test has “agreeableness” as a trait. And yet combine that with anticipatory anxiety. Saying yes, then getting super anxious and bailing out, then feeling guilty about it. I actually started typing this before I just heard you say you are high agreeableness and have anticipatory anxiety. Hah! Man I’m interested in hearing this. Just discovered you and I’m very grateful.
This happens so much to me at work. I work for a very small business with only a few employees, and I usually don’t mind doing extra things for the company I work for, but last week I finally said no to something, only to get guilted into doing it anyways and then told I didn’t have a choice in the matter.. 😑 I wish I could stand up for myself.
I have a really hard time saying no to people who ask if they can have something mostly. Lately at least I've been sticking up for myself to mental abuse and manipulation because it's not rude to stick up for yourself! They have no right to condemn you. Then they're used to you being easy so when you say no they act like you're overreacting and scared like you're out of control suddenly, but no! Fight for the truth. And yeah as far as commitments I'm tired of breaking them so I don't volunteer myself readily but should more now that I'm sober and more responsible. God will bring opportunities at the right times when your ready. Close a door and open a window...
I say no now, but it took yeeeears of feeling like I had no choice but to say yes, and sometimes absolutely dreading doing what I had agreed to, and many crap outcomes to learn to say no. It does feel pretty bad at first for all the reasons you mentioned, but you get used to it and the self care of saying yes to yourself and no to others when you need to definitely helps that a lot. I still feel a tinge of guilt sometimes, but the benefit of learning no is so much more.
Haha this video is fantastic!! I am an aspiring writer and I love when you correct your grammar. It's so easy to be grammatically incorrect when you are just casually talking and I find myself doing this all the time! I am much too agreeable and it pains me to admit it sometimes! If it is someone I care about I will do everything in my power to please them; especially if they are reciprocating! If they are not I will eventually reach a point where I stop. Unfortunately, the desire to please is still there so I never SAY I'm not going to, I just "disappear". It's a lovely trick, I'm sure it's just delightful to experience. I actually wouldn't be surprised to find out it's just as painful, if not more so than just telling the truth... But unless I'm really upset the chances of me saying it to them are slim... because I don't want to hurt their feelings. Sometimes I feel like INFJs are a walking contradiction.
I can't remember anything major when I said yes but I shouldn't have, but I know a few times when I said no. The last one: on the first full day of our holiday, I told my family that I don't want to go to the beach that morning. We were after a stressful 20-hour bus ride, and I felt like I'm not far from getting driven nuts by my family. They weren't completely understanding, but let me do it. So I stayed in the hotel room, playing Sims 3 and watching that day's FJ video. It was much needed and all for my family's well being. If I didn't get that time off, my entire week there could have gotten ruined. Maybe it's trusting my intuition too much, but in my experience making these decisions to say no prove themselves later to be the better ones, although the feeling of guilt about them is real. Sometimes I make unexpected decisions about my life, because I get strong feelings about which the better way would be, and usually it took years for them to pay off, despite of seeming to be totally wrong at first. An other example: when I was picking which high school I want to go to, I was determined to go to a language-oriented class in one of the best high schools in the city. It was about having an extra year just for studying languages only. I visited an other high school which didn't have a language oriented class, but it was in a network which allowed the school to take part in international projects. So I opted for the second school, and got into a science-oriented class. At first it was a huge disappointment, because we got a horrible German teacher, after I won so many competitions in German while in primary. On a long term though, I took part in a lot of extracurriculars the next year, got a lot of help from the other teachers - and they were all cursing our teacher for what she was doing with our group - could take part in international competitions, and even got a summer scholarship abroad, which were the best few weeks of my life. I could never have done anything like this in the other school.
I feel like we've got to have a good reason to be motivated to do someting. But it's good in a certain way, because when we actually do, that motivation may be what people needed in that moment. I doesn't matter what they'll think when we are not present, but that when we are present we can be very useful (if we learn how to respect our personality). We have a lot of difficulties and problems, but I think that this practical motivation is the best quality of us.
I relate to everything you say in your videos so much, it's both scary and reassuring. Scary because you're basically the same person as me, it seems, but reassuring because it's nice to know I'm not alone!
A couple of weeks ago, a sweet older lady i work with asked me if I'd start a side job on the weekends with her. I said yes instantly simply because she's such a likeable lady and "yes" just fell out of my face like a reflex. I could have used the money, sure, I'm trying to save for a car. But with the hours I'm already pulling and my health issues, i dreaded it instantly. So much that i called her that same night and was 100% honest. I told her i have a habit of saying yes to things but it would be too much for me and i hope she finds someone suitable. She was so understanding, even related to being a pushover and we had a great heart to heart on that. It was such a relief. This is something I'll continue to work on. Love your videos!
"Dude, you're way too over accommodating. You really shouldn't be such a pushover."
"Yeah, you're right."
LOL
The awful INFJ "pushover" syndrome--don't want to let them down! I am grateful for the rich inner life. Saying No usually ends up such that one becomes isolated.
It's worked so well for me that I don't even have an emergency contact anymore. I could die and no one would notice until maybe the neighbors smelled something, and by then my cat would have eaten off my face.
Recovering Soul me too, I've started to realize that I've boxed myself into isolation as a result of my history of declining invitations and also never reaching out to anyone (since I hate rejection and don't want to bother people). I'm now stumped when asked for emergency contact info. I also have a cat that I would trust over my dead body.
Sue Crumley I hate reaching out to anyone. So used to them not being there when I need someone, or me feeling like I am a burden to others. There was a time when I would give endlessly and without expecting anything in return. But no one does that for me
Recovering Soul you’re so right, I’ve been let down so many times it becomes harder to reach out as people often disappoint and I never want to burden others either, often feel so misplaced in this world.
I relate to so many on this forum- it is comforting 😊
We can say sometimes not
to be respected by others
I'm a people pleaser by nature but I've finally learned to say no. When I first made that change, some people in my life revolted!
They were totally confounded! I guess I spoiled them so badly that they couldn't believe that I would deny them anything or ask for some time to myself to recharge.
DOES NOT COMPUTE. File No. exe not found.
It was a difficult transition because I already felt bad and was being called selfish on top of it! They adjusted after a while though, and I don't feel so guilty now. I have needs too, and if I don't take care of them I eventually end up resenting the things I agree to do for people.
I got the shakes and then cried after the first time I stood up for myself lol.
#thuglyfe
Brittany S I totally relate! When I said no to certain people in my life I too had the dreaded S word thrown in my face. But what they wanted me to do made no sence. And they also were only looking at it from one side and would not listen when I said I've done the research here. If your in doubt, there are numbers you can call. People you can talk to. They refused, seeking to cling to thier one diamentional ways and use it as an excuse to call me selfish.
I agree it hurts. But good for you for doing it!
Revolts pass. You have one life and can't be expected to bow to every desire of someone else.
In the end hopefully these types of people will learn to actually respect what I like to call "a caring backbone". I also come out 55-60% feeler and 40-45% thinker too (depending on the test) though and apparently only 30% of the world is what they call "balance brained".
I can have crazy deep feelings that can overtake me at times, but other times I can be quite logical. Feel I have a foot in two worlds at times which can be both great and overwhelming simultaneously.
That sounds awful.🖤😔The S word stings man. Some people just don't get it, and are quick to judge, maybe because the thing they are asking is something they would do for us? A lack of understanding is no excuse, however, for slapping that label on someone's back. Benefit of the doubt, right?
☺️Thanks for the encouragement. I do think that it is good to make sacrifices sometimes. I don't want to be lazy and self centred. I love seeing others happy, and helping them, but not to the point that I'm hurting myself. There is such a thing as healthy level of "selfishness" that preserves self-respect. Self-love basically. That ties in with what you said, a "caring backbone". I believe that to be truly kind and loving (which is different from being "nice"/polite), people must be kind enough to themselves first. Balance is the objective.
Wow I relate so hard to what you said about logic and emotion!😱😵 It's like they both well developed, which is great, but they are at war with each other sometimes?
Brittany S Yuppers. It's all about the balance between going out of your way enough for people but not to the point of being a doormat and/or losing your identity.
Even as an inverted feeler I've had to learn my boundaries in the past. When I was younger I'd care too much for some and get plowed over. Not due to bowing so much but going so much out of my way to try to rescue them from a bad situation. But alot of the time, mystery sadly does love company.
These days I realize I can't save people. people pleasing was never my issue too much, but rather going too far out on a limb to try to save them was.
Yes, the older I get, the more my logic and emotion seem to balance out. Sometimes my feelings do still win out, but more often than not due to my faith I can usually talk myself off the ledge so to speak.
But yes it does hurt, do doubt. In this particular case, I'd really like to think they would not give in. It would result in thier life being much worse so I'd like to think if they were ever in my shoes as parents they'd never resort to this particular thing they expected of me but who knows. I just knew my son only had me to protect him. It was not about them, it was about my boy and his safety. They didn't get that.
Well I commend you for being a person of integrity and not giving into that unreasonable person. You infps have a certain strength that blows me away sometimes. My stepdad is an infp and he is very much a man of rock-freakin-solid uncompromising integrity.
Brittany S Thanks Brittany. I appreciate that. ❤☺
I've always struggled with this, but I've found a loophole! Maybe this will work for other people as well. For this strategy I use my little sister, mostly because she's always copied whatever I've done, and I think, would I want her to follow my example on this? If she copied what I did and not what I said, would I be okay with that? I've gotten to a more senior position at my job now, and i think, if I would tell newer employees who look up to me not to say yes to this, I should practice what I preach and also not say yes. Basically, I give so many other people advice on how to take care of themselves, I need to practice what I preach or I'll be a hypocrite. Disclaimer: It's still hard, it still sucks, and I generally need someone to validate me on it after lol. But hey, it's better then burn out!
Your videos are actually what helped me say "No" to my friends. When I tell them my social battery is drained, they're like "say no more." Living my best INFP life :)
Can completely relate and it is something I have been working on for some time. It is when I had a complete burnout/ break down that I realized I had to change. Setting boundaries is NOT selfish. I have always lived with guilt, like you. But try to look at it from the other side, if you stretch yourself too thin, then you won't be good for anyone or anything. You saying no might lead the person asking to find another person for the activity- someone who is keen and ready and waiting for the opportunity. You saying yes could actually be selfish. Also, we INFJs need to remember we are worthy of self-care. It is ok to say no. It is good to focus on projects that are important to us. We are more useful to others in the future if we focus on ourselves a bit now.
Definitely! You cannot pur from an empty cup. Let's rake care of ourselves more... Even though it's realy hard
Omg everything you said resonates with my heart and soul.Thank you so much you have no idea how much you helped
DasRaetsel oh wow, so glad it helped! Best of luck!
No matter whether I say yes or no, just like you I still feel like I've made the wrong decision and I feel so guilty. I feel that I say 'no' too often though, especially when it comes to hanging out with people. I always say no because I feel inadequate and like I'm not good looking enough or interesting enough and everyone will see my flaws and judge me, so I never hang out with anyone. I want to say 'yes' more often but it's hard. In order to push myself more, I've started signing up to volunteer for events this year. It's kind of exciting but a lot more daunting. One event I arrived at and left super early because I started feeling so anxious that I felt physically sick and I just wanted to go home. When I'm not alone, curled up in a ball in my room, I feel constantly judged and guilty and like everyone hates me so I should just stay inside.
I took a class in college for introverts, called Women Who Whisper. WWW and this was before the internet, cuz, ya know, I'm ancient. The first class was really awkward because the teacher was late. Put a bunch of introverts in a room and no one says a word. Could hear a pin drop. We all sat carefully avoiding eye contact and staring at our feet.
We had an assignment for a week or two that every time we would normally say YES to something we should say NO instead, and vice versa. So, do the opposite of what we normally did. Just little baby steps to push us out of our comfort zones. It still took me a really long time to open up to anyone.
I think the fact that people are asking you to go out means that they want to spend time with you. If it is a group thing and you would feel more comfortable one on one, maybe you could suggest that instead? But I don't think someone would ask if they DIDN'T like you.
You are Me and I am You.
"A walk-on with one line" lol, That's actually a good thought when I am stressing myself out needlessly.
I have a shirt that says; first of all no. Second no.
Sarah Elizabeth Hahahaha me too! I’m wearing it here ua-cam.com/video/N-u3V8CVdfM/v-deo.html
Best shirt ever!
M3RRY Love!!!!
My brother has a No button. That where you click Noo!
I need that shirt lol
Guilt is the worst. It is the same feeling like I was a kid and skipped a class. The best way to avoid this (hello anticipatory anxiety) is to make sure they will not ask you to do something - pretending all the time to be busy, lazy, not capable, deaf, in coma, dead ;)
When you said "a friend and I", I was like "YAAAS for proper grammar." So many big youtubers make that grammatical error and it irks me a bit.
I's is the big rage on tv. I's? What's that? Agreed, proper grammar is a turn On.
Is it still "I" in a sentence like "I was talking ABOUT my friends and ..." I or me? I'm not a native speaker but I would like to be correct, so please help :)
justinael Need FJ to weigh in, but if we remove the Friends word you are left with "...talking about me" or "...talking about I". Neither sounds quite right to me. Perhaps it is "...talking about myself"?? So the complete thing would be "I was talking ABOUT my friends and myself" unless the sentence continues with something like "...decided to get a sandwich", in which case it would be just the "I"
I think. English is a really difficult language.
it's funny to I that everyone understands how to use the pronouns I/me when used alone, but then get all confused when "and/or" is added to the sentence.
So I understand "I" is used when we have just a group of people doing something, but it behaves like a normal pronoun otherwise?
5:05 Totally! I have to remind myself constantly that it's not a big deal to say no to requests for favors or companionship from peripheral people because the asker probably has other people in their life who can do that for them.
I find myself agreeing against my will to social engagements because I'm afraid if I keep turning someone down, the person will eventually stop asking (and think I'm a bad person?) and then I've lost that relationship permanently/now it's awkward. My "rate of friendship" is so much slower than other people's, it's difficult to make connections and maintain relationships. I am slow to call someone a friend and, once the friendship is established, require rather infrequent interaction. I could lock myself in my home for three months and be happy seeing no one. When the other person wants to meet up weekly, it creates an anxiety-inducing imbalance. I always fear the other person getting the impression that I don't like them or don't want to spend time with them (fair assumption when I turn down or drag out making plans), when really I just have such a low need for social interaction. So I say yes to give the relationship a little boost before it dies (and sometimes I have a great time and other times I wonder why the eff I'm making myself miserable to save this friendship).
I have changed my tactics slightly as I've gotten older: once a fledgling friendship gains a little momentum, I usually just explain to New Friend that I require a lot of alone time and please don't take it personally if I turn down plans.
In my reality, friends, gigs, etc don't compete with each other for my time, they compete with my beloved alone time, and that's okay. I try to think of it like: 1. people and projects well matched to me will understand that, and 2. it's okay to let go of people who have a different "friendship frequency" than I have (the sooner the better, honestly).
I guess my "advice" from one ridiculously neurotic-agreeable person to another would be: Tell yourself that living your life according to your own interests, pace, and principles will attract people and projects who are best suited to you. Say it, believe it, practice it, amd watch it work. Saying "no" to something you don't want to do creates space in your life for more of what you do want (even if you don't know what that is yet).
Everything used to be a huge chore for me as I was agoraphobic so I understand that whole not knowing what you actually want to do, but yes, getting out even to go shopping used to be terrible. I was terrified of all the bad things that could happen. But I started saying yes to these little things, shopping, going to a family member's house, out to eat, etc., which then opened the door for me to do more fun things like concerts, comedy shows, going to Chicago and not fearing freakouts or things. So, if someone invites me somewhere nowadays I just say yes because now it's about experiencing life again, which for so long I couldn't. I went to Second City, which was something I never thought I'd be able to do. I can ride trains now, which used to be an impossible feat in my head, being trapped on a train for hours. I do it a lot now :)
However, I still have a problem saying yes to people I've never met before wanting to meet up IRL. It's not that I wouldn't feel safe with them, but more so scared of the awkwardness of the situation. So, I guess that's more so social anxiety and fear of rejection again. I gotta start meeting people, though. I gotta do it.
Also, don't feel bad for saying no. Your own feeling of not wanting to do something is a legitimate reason to not do it. I can see you have a giant heart, man, and that's rare nowadays really. That's a special thing, just how much you care about not hurting people's feelings, etc.
OMG i so relate to this! I have agoraphobia too and it's really difficult to leave the house. That is the key! Pushing onwards even when it feels strange. At least i know i'm not alone! Good for you for taking that step and transforming that fear into something positive!
I'm sorry you're going through that. It really, really is horrible. And it's like the longer you go without doing anything, the fears just multiply exponentially and you start fearing things you never did before, silly things to most "normal" people, but super scary things to people like us. I have to admit I also have the help of an SSRI, but you still have to push yourself into doing it step by step. I don't know if any of you have seen the movie "What About Bob?" but baby steps to the elevator... baby steps down the hallway... baby steps to the sidewalk... haha! I am Bob Wiley to a T. :) But yeah, I've said no for so long, it's time to start saying yes!
lol What About Bob, such a good movie.
My manager called me a pushover yesterday. It pissed me off, but she wasn’t wrong. I alwaaaaays say yes to everyone and everything. And I resonate with needing a better excuse than “I don’t want to,” although I’ve gotten a little better about it. Lame as it is, starting to say no to close friends every now and again has really seemed to help. I’m all for jumping in headfirst, but when it comes to getting over my need to please people..I needed to start slow and feel more empowered, because I feel sooo guilty afterwards.
K S just say no and stick with it. No excuses. Read the book, when I say no, I feel guilty by Manuel j Smith. That should help
I joined a sorority at college as a way to “come out of my shell,” but all it really taught me was how to say no, often and clearly. 😂 I felt like a jerk at first, but I had to prioritize for my own sake - I couldn’t say yes to drinking in a musty frat basement on a Tuesday night if I had to be up the next morning to tutor kids, regardless of how many people I pissed off. I tried doing both, and it wound up with me nearly puking in a middle school bathroom, so...yeah.
Now that I’m a teacher, I say no all the time (hence the Miss No nickname I mentioned in a previous comment). It’s easier to say it to a bunch of kids than it is to my colleagues and friends, though. Even now, I’m guilty of making up excuses and using the fact that I have pets at home as a way to leave situations early. So, basically, my advice is: 1) become a miserable sorority girl, 2) become a teacher and practice saying no a trillion times a day, 3) if those steps fail, get pets and start making shit up. 😉
Holly N haha same here on points 2 and 3! Only thing is I said no to the sorority because I didn’t want to conform. Lol. Maybe I should have joined, I would have learned to say no a lot sooner. Lol.
Me P Lol I feel you! I was in what I can only affectionately describe as the weird girl sorority on campus, so I didn’t have to conform too much, but I still hated being told where and when I had to socialize. 😂 It was hard to say no at first, but it definitely saved me a lot of time and trouble.
💗
I'd love to have those no cards, and just keep them in my bag for whenever someone asks me if I'd like to do something. That awkward pause when I'm genuinely thinking about it and they're standing there expecting an answer is just so pressuring and agonising.
Saying yes is indeed a problem! My problem is that if I am put in an unexpected situation, I panic and give a quick answer; which most of the time is not what I would normally answer if I would have known previously!
I LOVE those NO CARDS, I'm still laughing 😂
This is spot on.....! thank you for that. I wanted to add the situation where...you finally say "No".......and then you start feeling really bad. its like an endless interior battle, really exhausting.
Hey FJ, proud of you for saying no! That's a hard thing to do but it sounds like you are prioritizing something bigger. Nice job!
I have resolved this year that I would (with a few important exceptions) work only within my working hours this year - no more committees, no more leadership, no clubs. Taking an extended leave from work put everything into focus. I quit the band that was frustrating me, I started putting more time into developing my own musicianship. Another band invited me to play with them, I went to one rehearsal and I said afterwards, "That was a fun time, but this isn't the right band for me."
You don't ever have to justify not wanting to do something. Sometimes you just outgrow a situation. It's important to periodically list your priorities lest you become stagnant. (ha, I used the word "lest")
Ambivalence is the road to suffering., I used to be addicted to saying yes to peoples’ requests, it was crazy. I couldn’t say no, & I never could consider my own needs, interests, desires, it was like there was only one right way to go.. but little by little my resentment & unhappiness built up, and finally I saw there was no benefit to saying yes all the time. As a matter of fact, the people were corrupted by me placating them every time ~ I was making the world worse, not better. As time went by, parts of me got so sick of my self abandonment ~ it would self sabotage me, so that I had to say “ no, sorry, I can’t help you with such & such”. Nowadays, I hold off making any decisions until it’s almost time to really decide, and then I decide. In this way, I do not have any tension or anxiety. 🤫 Also, I am enjoying building up self trust. ~ Just recently, a long time associate tried to wrangle me into doing a favor for her, involving, breaking an agreement I have with my work associates. As usual, she waited till the last minute to pop up in my office & pretended it was a social visit, then on her way out, she asked, “ ok so Sunday you’ll open the space for us, right ? 😉 I am super flexible from being so available for people who call on me for last minutes “ , help “, I could have done it on my head .. so I said “yeah “ .. Then on the morning of said, favor, she was supposed to msg me, but didn’t. And guess what ? I wasn’t feeling like going in., I was having too much fun just hanging out in my place. So I said, “ well, that’s that . “~ I did contact supervisors earlier in the day, to see if u could get her clearance. They said, no. Which is good to know, eh ? If I went on ahead, without getting the back story , it wouldn’t look so good for me, & do you think these guys would stand up for me ? It doesn’t even matter, I’m standing up for myself. It’s Sunday, my day off, I can sit in bed all day if I like. I don’t even need a reason or an “ excuse “ for not helping this lady, who by the way, never did any favors for me .. ( 20 years ) Well, I didn’t go in. Guess what? She got my niece to call me & bug me “ about what’s wrong, am I ok ?! “ so I get into static with her, because my niece never calls me, why call me now ?
It was so strange. So I had to straighten out this girl as well. I told her, she was being so disrespectful to me, to call & ask why I wasn’t there, as if she was my site supervisor. ( she doesn’t even work for the company ) ~ I was patient to take time to explain to her, because I raised her when she was very little.. but she’s a big girl now, & has ideas of her own. She was calling me out, because it is a cultural taboo to say no to an elder or a person of significance ~ in their culture. What everybody forgot is that I’m not from their clan .. I regret even taking the time to msg to my niece, because it felt like “ here I go, making excuses .. & only children make excuses “. I can just say, “no” . ~ Later that night, the lady mentioned about how she was put on the spot, because I didn’t show up ( to “ help her” , gain unauthorized access to the bldg, ) I said, “ why didn’t u use your key ?” And she says, she didn’t have one. ~ Meanwhile she lied for over s year that she had the key to the bldg. .. ~ I see how saying yes, got me entangled with some shadey people.. I see how I need to keep scaling back doing any favors. I’m addicted to scoring points, to let people like me. ~ Right now, I’m working on self approval. Period 👋🏽🤭
I use to say yes a lot to things I enjoyed doing e.g. being involved in community organizations/volunteering. I would be involved for a couple years and then either felt burned out or not interested. I could never understand why others would be involved in a particular thing for years and I would think something was wrong with me because I would lose interest. My "Ah Ha" moment was when I found out I was an INFJ. INFJ's love to learn, that was me, I love to learn new things, in lots of different area in life. Now, I'm not so hard on myself when I lose interest in something and I can anticipate that whatever it is I'm doing will only be for a short time and then I'm on to the next adventure. And, that's OK.
Frank, I love your channel because I can relate to a lot of what you talk about. Thank you so much!!!
Ok, so after listening to this, I really get what you mean. When you care about people, and you tend to be super responsible and understanding of others, it does push one into a mode called ‘saving the day’. It is a syndrome I also have. So, I completely understand and see your point. I definitely tend to take everything upon me so I can solve stuff, yet when I might need a bit of help, I often realize that people don’t reciprocate. I know it is not done on purpose. But rare are those people who genuinely care for others and care to help those in need. And that realization hurts. A lot.
All about healthy boundaries. And trusting your instincts. It's much easier for me when I offer a short reason with my no. Not a long monologue of reasons, which makes people feel weird and believe you less. I've always gotten a decent response and understanding at those times. That way I don't feel guilty and they feel satisfied with my no.
INFJ here and this has been a huge challenge for me all my life. But I have gotten much better at it and there where two phrases that opened my eyes and helped me say NO when I really needed to:
1) When you say YES to someone/something, it means that you at the same time say NO to someone/something else, often yourself and those people or things that are important to you. So if someone ask me something now, I always consider what I say NO to if I say YES to them.
2) If you say YES all the time your YES will loose its value. People will expect you to always say YES, and be disappointed/irritated if you say NO, because they take your YES for granted. And I want people to be happy/grateful when I say YES and really value it, and know that I don't always give my YES away.
These mindsets helped to put it all in perspective, and it is much easier to say NO to stuff that I really don't want to do and say YES to my self and what I really care about! :)
PS: I love your videos - all of them! :)
Give yourself permission to say no. That side gig you said no to, they'll find someone else, the world will keep turning. Now that you've gone out of your comfort zone and taken the first step and said no, the next time it'll be a little easier, maybe still uncomfortable but you'll be making small changes with big intentions. Changing your mindset will surely bring your tangible desires within reach. Just say no! Turn it into a positive for you, rather than FOMO flip it so it's JOMO the Joy of Missing Out 😉
@@Reveris I hope that FJ keeps JOMO in mind or any other pearls he finds in the comments. I know that since I've been watching his vlogs and I've pushed myself out of my comfort zone that "voice" in my head sometimes sounds like FJ 😂
Yesss JOMO! I love it so much! I'm going to miss out on something joyfully today. I'm excited. 😄
@@StephanieDouglassMusic that's the attitude I like 🙂
Thank you for this video and the previous one. So many little gems and relatable moments and insights. Most of my life I've feared, in particular, saying no to men. This has gotten me into emotional and physical trouble, pain, confusion... etc. It doesn't help when I heard a male friend explain how if a woman isn't frequently available for his requests early in dating (even if she seems to like him, in my opinion, and just normal life stuff sometimes gets in the way) he will stop pursuing her because she "doesn't seem interested". It's a lot of pressure to think if you say no once that someone will 'reject you', or that their ego is so fragile that they can't handle it. But I'm learning that those guys aren't the right guy for me, and even if it's taken a long long time, I'm grateful to learn that. I think you learn a lot about someone when you say no, more than you do if you say yes when you really want to say no. That's why I love the quote you shared at the end, too.
Oh and I also have been forcing myself to say "yes" as my head was screaming no and challenge that confusing feeling of "is this instinct or anxiety?!"... I also have OCD so it can get REALLY tricky (ie: "if I say yes to doing this when I don't feel like doing it, am I doing a compulsion? so then i should do the opposite? Or, is it a sign that I SHOULD do it because it's freaking me out and so therefore I'm NOT doing a compulsion? And what if I'm wrong and I do it and my life is ruined because I picked the wrong thing?"... ) In a way, the OCD exposure is the same process - you face your fear, you go through with it (whatever it is) based on your values and just feel the anxiety as you do it. Sometimes I feel god awful and my heart doesn't stop pounding for hours. But when I look at the objective data of the day or event, etc, it has, so far, ended up being more than fine and, dare I say it, even successful or highly positive compared to what I had feared. I still need to recover for like 5 days afterwards, but, hey, onwards and upwards, friends in anxiety!
I did rebirthing breathwork sessions and found out I actually have deeper boundaries than I was aware of. You need to get to know who you really are, not who you've become in order to keep other people happy with you. Things may appear to fall apart for a time when you start adhering to your true self, but that's an illusion. Keep sticking to who you are, and things fall together.
I'm an INFJ and also way too agreeable. Most of the people in my social circle are extroverts they use every minute of their free time to organize some events or gatherings. All this social interaction started to drain me after a while and I started to say no more often but then my "no" wasn't taken seriously. Different people from the friend group would call me and try to convince me to come and sometimes I would say "yes" just for them to stop asking for a valid reason for me not coming. In both cases i would feel extremely guilty and selfish and as if I was drawing intentionally the attention towards me. I feel like I need to have a valid excuse available at all times in case I don't want to hang out. Even as I am writing a paper for my bachelors degree (which is not fun) I am still happy that I get to use this as an excuse to not hang out and that's a bit crazy.
YES!
I immediately say yes to participate and also, I regret it instantly, because deep down I don't want to do anything for anyone if there is a chance I will fail and disappoint. Also I don't have much energy left to spare. So I'd rather not waste it on things that cause me nothing but stress. Which is everything.
But I say yes when the person asking me is 1. enthusiastic (I copy that), 2. sad (I want to make them feel better) 3. dominant (because I always feel inferior) 4. scared (because I want to comfort them) etc.
I would like to order some of those cards now please.
I used to say “no” to a lot of stuff that I wanted to do because of anxieties about whatever event, person, place it was to go see. And then say “yes” to things like staying after hours at work, taking on other people’s work in group projects because they’re behind... I never want people to think I’m unreliable or letting them down. I’m working on saying “yes” to fun stuff more and “no” when I can see others are taking advantage of me. But like you FJ, the crushing guilt is always there. Thanks for your video.
Haha you’re amazing frank. I say yes too much too but I’m learning to say “let me think about it.” So I can have a chance to say no instead of instantly saying yes to everything
FOMO is real man!!... I really enjoyed this rant Frank... I really related to this sadly! I need to learn to say no more often, thanks for the encouragement👍
Hey Frank,
Connecting this to your previous vid, I had a social anxiety of people leaving me if I don't please them or if they see me for who I truly am. I became agreeable to the degree others stopped asking for my opinion, which I always have one but don't usually share. By that time, I started developing an internal rage monster because the idea that these people are taking advantage of me took over my mind. The injustice of it all! lol. It made me more frustrated and depressed than before. I said to myself "that won't do". There has to be some type of boundary, not just externally but internally also. I listen to all the parts within giving their take on the issue (too long to explain here but I tried to locate the origin of each voice and why it was voicing that). In the end, it's not easy to make a decision with all that, but considering all the options, one usually stands out in a particular situation at hand, and see what the result is (as you said). The other parts with time align to agree to do what's best in the situation and for the person. Look up self "fragmentation".
Best regards!
Zee
Omg Frank! When u cut for ur commercial break, an actual ad came on lol! 🤣🤣
This infp is proud of you for saying "no" and taking care of your inner health. You deserve it, and everyone should be doing it as often as they can/need. It's not realistic, but it's what I believe lol. When I say "no" to things, I usually offer an explanation, which I feel does two things: it let's the person know exactly where I stand, and maybe creates some insight or vulnerability that I get to show them like "hey, I said 'no', but I value our relationship, so I'm telling you why and trusting you to understand." It puts the relationship ball in their court in a way and keeps things muy authentico. idk hope that makes sense. I might also say things like "I'm sorry I can't come, or work on this thing, but let's figure out another time or another way." My biggest fear is that they think I don't want/value/care about them, so I try and say things that reaffirm that I do. Sometimes you just have to be honest with them, though, and say "no, never again." That other person who is doing this thing with you wants you to be as passionate about it as they are sometimes. Imagine if they found out how you really felt. Would they want you to participate, then? If they are worth having in your life, of course they would think "no, don't do this if you're not into it." If they think, "well, this guy sucks, screw his needs", then yeah they can go try and ruin someone else's life lol. Sorry for the long comment
I'm exactly the same but in the past few years I've been saying 'no' a lot more often, and been happier for it. I am still struck with the guilt, that just comes with the package, but I've long since realized that the times where I say 'yes', enduring whatever it is I have to go to (social event, family event etc) is always 100 times worse than the guilt I'd have suffered by saying 'no'. Every time. When I was a kid and I'd be dragged to this, that and the other, whenever we'd get home my mum would say 'see, you're glad you went now aren't you', and I'd just agree and shuffle off to my room. But no.... it's not that I was glad I went, I realized I was glad it was OVER. Huge difference. And like you said, realizing that you are not as important to other people as you seem to assume you are is something that helps with saying 'no'. I used to worry and imagine everyone going 'oh no, is she okay?', 'what a bummer she can't be here', 'wish she was here', 'just not the same without her, is it!' etc when in reality they're probably just getting on with their day and not paying you a single thought! lol
Thank you so much for this! I completely, totally agree with this!
I thought I was the only one. Thank you for putting it into words.
No drama, no chaos, anything trying to keep the peace... It's ok.. You will learn to say no... I know because of the fact I now can say no... though I won't tell you how long it took... Your are already so many years ahead of most people knowing this about yourself...kuddos!
Totally.
Thanks for the tip - am def gonna print some NO cards and keep them in my top pocket
Saying No is a way of showing love to yourself, being aware of who you are and what you really want to do in a specific moment. The most important thing in the world has to be you. Yoga has helped me to understand how important is taking care of yourself. Maybe it could work on you, too! I apologize for my bad English. Greetings from Spain!
This is what I heard some months ago from self-help teachers:
When you say Yes to everyone because you think you can't say No, it's not that you don't say No. You are saying No to yourself, No to an evening reading a great book, No to a relaxing weekend with your family, No to an enjoyable lunch at the table. Do you love yourself? Say Yes to the one you love.
I really really like the song at the end of this one.
I rewatched the end to hear it again actually.
-I’ve started trying to respect my feelings of not wanting to do things as a reason enough
-I try to think of saying “no” as an opportunity to build trust with people. Other wise the obligations are going to eventually degrade trust
That hit the nail on the head.
I was in a similar situation recently. I said no, even though the thing was an opportunity to challenge myself, grow and to get out my comfort zone. I need that so much right now. But I chose to give myself a break, acknowledge how far I’ve come and not put myself down about it.
Well, Mr James, looks like you have nearly four hundred comments left on this already - and i haven't read all of them.... but as an infj i have to agree with what you say here.... Being far far far too agreeable like you, i automatically go along with expectations. This is a problem now because i have gradually (over many years of private thinking and not letting on to others!) changed my inner convictions about a few core issues involving our small close-knit church. Because of this new sense of my own values, i am trying to find a way of extracting myself from the heavy commitments i've allowed myself to take on, and the expectations of all those closest to me including my husband and parents and sister, and so far i don't know how to say no to them because they really will feel let down!!! and they certainly won't agree with me or even like me any more. If it was someone else i would say, "be strong and be true to yourself." Heh heh heh.... (hollow laughter). infjs find this super hard to do, no matter how angry and passionate they feel inside about things. If someone disagrees, what then? (keep shutting up and nodding??)
When I'm in yes or no situation I feel like I'm two different people and I don't like either one of them.
The same things run thru my head about excuses to say no to ...
I can relate 100%! I agreed to do something for the last 9 years because it's a family thing even though my brain said NO! NO! NO! This year the rest of the family decided it was time to end the tradition...finally.
Fear of man is a snare.
ruined my existence
This goes straight to the Achilles heel! I have practiced for a decade now and gotten, and I'm being generous, maybe 10% better at saying NO. Because I suck so badly at "refusing to help people in need" (Actually, I think most 'helpless' people are just lazy or incompetent af😑, not that I'm that important) I've just removed people who constantly want things from me from my life. Literally I self isolate in order to avoid being asked to do stuff, or for things, because I am so bad at saying NO. Weird thing is, I'm actually way less stressed out now that I have become a minimalist regarding attachments to people. I'm still too nice but I can now avoid entanglement with people who enjoy taking advantage of nice people, if that makes sense. I can now say NO to entire relationships with people, many of whom are just takers, instead of having to say no to constant requests and not feel bad about it. That probably wouldn't work for you because you enjoy people but for me it's been a good way to cope.
I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder... and one thing they teach you about anxiety according to cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) is that avoidance is the refuge of anxiety. Now, if you don’t want to take a job because you’re too busy with other projects, that’s one thing. Avoiding friends and family or other social stuff because you just don’t “want” to? That sounds like anxiety to me. Sometimes? Sure why not. I enjoy a good night at home. All the time? That’s something to be worried about.
I hear what you're saying, and I have anxiety as much as the next guy (and really have to work on my avoidance of certain things like you said!), but for me, it's like someone asking me to eat cardboard with them. I don't want to because I don't want to. I wish that was a good enough reason for them, but it's not for a certain kind of person. So I say yes, because I'm a people pleaser and a pushover. For me, it's not always anxiety (though sometimes it is), and often times it's because I have no interest. Hah, I dunno, actually sometimes I have more anxiety telling someone "no" than the consequences of saying "yes" and that's why I say "yes"! It's a lose lose xD
I totally agree. I can be too agreeable and I end up saying yes to a bunch of things that I don’t really want to do. For example, I was volunteering with a nonprofit organization that was doing something that I felt I should strongly support. The thing is, they would asked me for a lot of my time and I just feel like it would drain me out a lot. So I ended up having to say no, I can’t help you guys anymore. And I did that because I just felt like I should be dedicating more time to me since at that time I barely had time for myself, I was too involved in too many things. And for the first couple weeks I I felt horrible but after those two weeks I realize how important it is to be able to say no to things that you don’t want to do and start dedicating some time to you or to the things you like
I have a hard time saying no for sure and it's because I have a hard time drawing boundaries. I notice I have this pattern of being excited just because the other person is excited and I say yes to their offer because, truly, at the time, their excitement is so influential on me that I believe that my yes is a true yes. But a few hours or days will go by and I'll say to myself, "why did you say yes? Ugh now either you gotta go through with it or find a way to back out". I'm becoming cognizant enough to know that other people have influence on me and it takes me about a day of letting it marinate in my mind, and being by myself (and not in another's influence) to know full well that my yes is a true yes. So lately, I try to say transparently, "That sounds cool. I'm not 100-100-100% sure though. I'm working on my boundaries and sometimes I say yes too quickly. Would it be okay to let me think about it?" Usually they're like no problem, yea think about it!
I love the enneagram because it pin points what is motivating you. I’m a type 9. I have major fear of conflict. I say yes to avoid conflict. Other types might say yes because they have a certain image to up hold. All 9 types have a central fear that motivates their actions
I'm very similar but I've been able to get a "back bone" through being gently honest. Saying things like, "that makes me uncomfortable" or "I'm going to think on that and get back to you" are always hard to say but I will no longer compromise a part of myself to please (or get someone's approval) someone else. Getting sick with chronic illnesses will snap that people pleasing stuff right out of you. Although my diseases are going into remission, it's not a way I would choose to learn how to say no. Anyone who doesn't value your worth is not worth your time.
I have to be well rested and centered before I say yes. Sometimes it feels like a missed opportunity to get out of my head. To answer your question. I'm protecting people from myself when I say no.
At this time i happen to be re-reading the book Goddesses In Every Woman by Jean Shinoda Bolen. In it there is the story of Aphrodite giving Psyche 4 tasks/tests she must complete. The 4th and final task is Learning To Say No. What i tell people i work with is to look for the "yes" behind their "no"- by saying "no" to this what are you saying "yes" to? When it comes to issues of "guilt" etc regarding feeling selfish for saying no to other people consider how you saying "yes" to something you really don't want to do is a lie, a selfish act based on concern of preserving a false image, that robs them of the opportunity of filing that spot in their life/ work with someone who actually does WANT to be there, and will ultimately serve them better because of that. When trying to make a decision when you are unsure of how you are really feeling about it yourself, i like the advice, "If it ain't a hell yes, than it's a hell no!"- this one proves most true when it comes to making romantic relating decisions.
Conversely, because INFJs have a difficult time declining requests, they usually make requests of people with outs built into the question...would you like to do...you don't have to...it's your choice etc.
I'll be direct and assertive FJ. There's your next topic! Why am I not direct, assertive or even demanding (cringe) when making a request of friends, family and strangers.
Seri Abutaha so true.
Seri Abutaha , truth!
Unfortunately, I can totally relate to that. I'm always afraid I'll disappoint people if I say "No"; and sometimes when I say "Yes" I just end up feeling bad and regretting accepting it at all. It's complicated...
I am happy to he back in the US and to catch up on your videos FJ. :)
I have said no a lot lately. I said no to going to see a bunch of tribute bands with a friend two weeks after we had gone to summerfest. I was not interested in a trip for more live music at the time. I said no to paying for my sister's excursion trip in Mexico (so we did not go on the excursion trip. I had a budget and I did not exceed it. It's not my fault that money burns a hole in my sister's pocket, which resulted in her not having enough to do everything she wanted to do.).
I said no to the Labor Day weekend trip to Jekyll Island with my sis and bro-in-law because last time I went with them I wound up paying for just about everything because they didn't have money and they didn't even tell me until we were on the road and at the gas station with an empty tank. I see that my sister and her husband spring their brokeness on me at the last minute so it has turned me off to trips with them. I hate being tricked.
I feel good about getting better at saying no and I am psychologically prepared for whatever fallout transpires from doing things in a way that feels right. Going vegetarian helped, because I have become accustomed to saying no (to meat) several times a week over the last 7 months.
I was always saying yes that when I say no, people get offended. They think I'm mad or having an attitude. Even if I say it in the nicest way possible. I've just recently started putting myself first and it's really hard for people to accept. When I was always the one to step up, for who ever was needing me for what ever. This past year and a half has really shown me who my true friends are. Who really has my back when I need someone. You really know when the coin is flipped and you need to be on the receiving end.
I paused at 4:40 because I thought you were in my head... meaning “oh my gosh I’m 50 and have had those same thoughts for as long as I can remember”. I take on guilt so easily. And shouldn’t. I’m on a huge self medicating etoh kick which I clearly know is bad but I look at what I have been saying yes to- unpressured by anyone other than myself. I can’t trust my inner voice it seems. Also recently started reading Brene’ Brown wanting to self help and identifying and reclaiming an inner self love which is very necessary in life. Yes I can remember that time I had peace . When I overthink I note my self talk tells me its me, I should go along with _______ ( fill in that blank) and it all guilt, it’s ok that I don’t want to do whatever including relationships just because the person is great, just not working out. It’s a huge mind battle I strive to overcome. But, lol, am I self sabotaging -- it goes on and on. Ugh.
As an INFJ i can totally relate to this one! I have kissed guys on first dates when I really didn’t want to! 💋 I remember thinking to myself on many occasions this is horrible and when is it going to be over! 😣 Sometimes the guy has pounced on me and to a certain extent I don’t have much control over that but other times the guy has been very polite and asked me at the end of the date “do you mind if I kiss you?” and I’ll just say “ok” and go along with it even when every bone in my body is saying NO!!! 😫 It’s almost like in that moment it’s easier to just say yes rather than say no... but afterwards I always regret it and feel annoyed at myself for my lack of assertiveness and lack of boundaries... I think part of me is is worried about hurting their feelings by rejecting/offending the person and also scared of how they will react to me saying no... another thing is when I’m put on the spot like that I struggle to find the vocabulary to say no in a polite way (I get stuck in my head trying to find the right words and also gauge how they will react to those words) and I feel VERY AWKWARD 😬😬😬 so it just feels easier to say yes... maybe I need to practice saying no in front of the mirror at home or some “just say no” role play sessions!? 😆
I constantly struggle with this...for all the same reasons.
yes it definitely is a constant struggle. people keep asking you to do stuff!
My backbone is hella strong,I seem to be carrying the world. You, me and WENZES!
Hi Frank and Everyone! I find it easier to say "no" if I force myself to think about the details of a situation. I just watched Frank's vlog, INFJs can't see the trees for the forest. I think it relates to how we decide to do something or not, and how we communicate that to others. If I think of the big picture, or the overall experience, as Frank describes INFJs as doing, I feel overwhelmed by the thing I don't want to do, and wimpy and guilty for not having a clear reason to say "no." If I think about the individual details of the circumstance, I can usually find a reasonable reason to say "no." For example, if I am invited to a bar, saying "no" because I am not "in the mood," is not usually accepted. However, if I say "no," specifically, because I can't tolerate being grabbed by drunks, or seeing bar fights, my reluctance makes more sense. The devil is in the details. If we "zoom in" enough, we can find that particular problem(s) that might allow us to say "no" with clarity and conviction. Thank you, Frank, for helping me to realize this!
Okay, this may have been the most important video for me to watch. Thank you for another necessary reality check!
That's just so me. It gets exhausting doing things we don't want to...I wouldn't want people doing what they don't wanna...why do I end up doing just that?🤔😣
I used to get really overwhelmed coz as soon as I cared about people I would spend WAY too much time speaking into them and not enough time refilling myself. I heard this message that revolutionized my life 2 years ago & the teacher said it’s scientifically proven that it’s hard to pour from a bottle that’s less than 15% full or more than 85% full. So we need to always have people that were pouring into and people that were receiving and learning from. It should also mean out life isn’t more than 85% full or we’re not spending more than 85% of our time alone. Honestly & practically that looks like having 1 night a week to yourself so you can realign yourself and relax. I realized I was on the brink of burnout because I’d added too many things to my life... all from a good heart, but some were more draining that edifying.
Huh?! Another I've never seen. I am much, much better at saying no now, than I ever was, but it's still killer guilt saying no to my mom.🙄 Go figure. I love that interesting song at the end. 😎 Great topic!✌️
Nope!, yeah I've had this feeling I've been saying yes a lot to the crap that I can't deal with. Thanks to my recent discovery of my personality (Infj), and watching your videos has helped me understand why I do these weird things. Yes, I am trying to improve and experiment with these uncomfortable decisions I take.
You know, usually I'm thinking "I can't say no because I need to be a good friend, I am loyal" or "I can't say it right now, because it wouldn't be nice of me to make this comment now", ...), but yesterday, someone important to me told me "but you have to be loyal to YOU in the first place!" . And I had never even thought about it..... but it felt so right.
The problem is that when you say yes, and another yes, another yes and so on, your whole life is a huge piece of "yes" that should have been "no". That's how I feel about lots of things in my life right now, and I think it's even hard to know where to begin to actually follow our hearts like we should have in the first place.
But we'll do it! :) THe more we'll think about it, the more we'll find ways to do it.
Relatable. I don’t want to do anything ever either. I feel massively guilty when I say “no,” but I still do it all the time. I am kind of extreme about not over extending myself. I fiercely protect my alone time. My family thinks I’m ridiculous. I could probably be more flexible.
I love your honesty! You say what I haven’t most of my life! Thank you for encouraging me to be more courageously honest!!! ☺️☺️☺️
I agree to do things because I figured that the thing could fill my thirst for adventure. Right now I'm dog sitting an energetic 10 month old Labrador. I've never met a dog that could fit my personality more.
I am currently trying to say no to others! I got myself in a bit of a bind that is causing me so much stress! Trying to establish boundaries in my life so I say yes to the right things!
A thought that helped me to say no to social events:
No one likes to be surrounded by an unmotivated person who actually doesn't want to be there. You are going to be more fun if you have energy and motivation to socialize!
So really, skipping some events to stay at home might actually be a favor to your friends and they are going to like you more when they experience the better side of you, once youre back :)
yes, Yes...YES!!! Physically I feel anticipatory pain related to anxiety. My doctor explained, it’s a rush of blood through the arteries and veins, the heavy pressure on the walls causes a feeling of pain that can come and go quickly. With over active thyroid issues, this happens dozens if not hundreds of times a day. These feelings can be exhausting filling the day with tons of extra stress.
Im a yes girl. Being a year snd a half out of a severely narcissistic abusive marriage/relationship Im finding myself all over again. Im 40 and my parents are supporting me because I lost my job and my car broke down and Im a single mother of 2 young teenage daughters 😵 but I relate to you in every way. Its crazy tho. Its hard to talk to ppl bc they don’t understand. I isolate myself. I have Anxiety Disorder, C-PTSD, Rheumatoid Arthritis, from it all. You really help me a lot. Thank you
Hahahah.. yes.. i have the same common problem with you in the old days to say no. And the same the first time I learned to say no, i have so much guilt inside my head. But the good things is it’s just inside my head and my life is just continue just as it is, and even much better, because i can say no to something that I don’t really want it or wamt to do it. And i think most of INFJ person hard to say no in the beginning, and we should learn how to do it. Otherwise we will waste so much time and not focusing on something that we really want. Anyway thanks for sharing all of your video Frank, it’s really help me a lot to know myself better. Hope you always have a great day..
I’m afraid to say no. And I’m too nice. Overly nice about it.
I have conditioned myself to respond with: "I really don't think I CAN" when what I really mean is "I really don't think I SHOULD or WILL WANT TO." I feel extra guilty saying this only when I am not being productive with my own time.
Also, as a female, I feel like it's socially discouraged to say "no" flat out. And as an INTP I complicate my no's with "no, but..." and then I offer 10 different alternatives or solutions that might solve their problem - which I'm sure comes off as arrogant and/or over accommodating. I can't help it though :( It makes me die a little inside when I see people trying to problem solve from a grossly limited amount of angles. But also, maybe they're not problem-solving and were just trying to include me to be nice... in which case it probably was rude of me to say no without thanking them profusely... but then again they may not care at all and I was just a random pick on a list of many people so thanking them profusely would be awkward... or...
In short, your video was relatable and helpful.
I can relate to that, sometimes I listen to people's problems all the time, I love to help people, it makes me feel good, but sometimes it gets to head and mess up stuff and I start to somehow resent the person.
I'm trying to work on saying no because it's important for your own sake.
and as always, great video Frank, wish you the best forever and always
Yeah the guilt is soooo hard to deal with, but at a certain point you have to prioritize which things seem worth it in life and worth your time. Someone pointed out to me that at the end of the day, if I am being agreeable to someone even though I know for sure don’t particularly want to do something, then I’m actually doing a number of disservices to that person - I’m essentially wasting their time by taking part in something with them that I’m not excited about (and they want me to be on board), and I’m also treating them kind of like a child because I’m not giving them the respect of allowing them to handle their own emotions and thought processes. We have to let other people be adults and take care of themselves, because life is always going to hand them things that disappoint them; so saying no to them is actually the more loving thing to do; kind of like tough love. You can even be empathetic to them while you say no, and even have a conversation about. My automatic response is to feel guilty and feel responsible for others’ feelings, so it is a hard lesson for me to accept, but when I really think about it this tough love approach really does seem to make the most sense as a way for people to function together. It really is best if we are honest with ourselves and then able to give that honesty to others. And at the end of the day, we are only in our own heads, not theirs, so we really can only do what feels right for us and let them manage themselves. This is the lesson I’ve been learning especially in the last month.
i try to operate against the "why not" priniciple. i can easily say no if i *know* i don't want to, but too often i'm ambivalent and i'll just say, sure, why not. this has gotten me into a lot of trouble. i have found i need to have a reason to do something (and yes, to have fun is a good enough reason.) good for you, sticking up for what you know you want (or don't want.) you are just as important as the people you said no to. what you want is just as important as what they want.
Don't just say 'No', say 'No thanks' with a smile. Doing the right thing doesn't mean that you do everything that you're told. Part of doing the right thing means, doing the right thing _for yourself._ Standing up for oneself _is the right thing to do._ It's up to each individual to decide at any given moment, whether to do the right thing by others or by yourself. It's about balance, or about balancing the over-all good.
One important lesson when dealing with a toxic person or narcissist, is that when they ask you to do something you don't want to do, or something which gives them psychological power over you, you should always say 'No thank you' with a smile. A lot of "INFJs" and "HSPs" and all these other terms we use for people like us, will have had or will have in the future, some experience with a toxic person. Get prepared. Learn about it.
For me it depends on the situation and the person or people it involves. I do definitely relate to the thought that if I say no it is going to like permanently cast a negative view over myself in others eyes. Or that later I am going to regret not doing it. I also relate to the experience thing. For some reason I have this thing where I am always looking to "experience" something. I was sick one time and had to ride in an ambulance. You would have thought it would have bothered to some degree, but all I could think about was the "once in a lifetime experience" that I was "privileged" enough to get.
Interesting the big 5 personality test has “agreeableness” as a trait. And yet combine that with anticipatory anxiety. Saying yes, then getting super anxious and bailing out, then feeling guilty about it. I actually started typing this before I just heard you say you are high agreeableness and have anticipatory anxiety. Hah! Man I’m interested in hearing this. Just discovered you and I’m very grateful.
This happens so much to me at work.
I work for a very small business with only a few employees, and I usually don’t mind doing extra things for the company I work for, but last week I finally said no to something, only to get guilted into doing it anyways and then told I didn’t have a choice in the matter.. 😑
I wish I could stand up for myself.
I have a really hard time saying no to people who ask if they can have something mostly. Lately at least I've been sticking up for myself to mental abuse and manipulation because it's not rude to stick up for yourself! They have no right to condemn you. Then they're used to you being easy so when you say no they act like you're overreacting and scared like you're out of control suddenly, but no! Fight for the truth. And yeah as far as commitments I'm tired of breaking them so I don't volunteer myself readily but should more now that I'm sober and more responsible. God will bring opportunities at the right times when your ready. Close a door and open a window...
I say no now, but it took yeeeears of feeling like I had no choice but to say yes, and sometimes absolutely dreading doing what I had agreed to, and many crap outcomes to learn to say no. It does feel pretty bad at first for all the reasons you mentioned, but you get used to it and the self care of saying yes to yourself and no to others when you need to definitely helps that a lot. I still feel a tinge of guilt sometimes, but the benefit of learning no is so much more.
Us infj's like to do things at our own time. We only like to do things that seem important in our perception.
Haha this video is fantastic!! I am an aspiring writer and I love when you correct your grammar. It's so easy to be grammatically incorrect when you are just casually talking and I find myself doing this all the time!
I am much too agreeable and it pains me to admit it sometimes! If it is someone I care about I will do everything in my power to please them; especially if they are reciprocating! If they are not I will eventually reach a point where I stop. Unfortunately, the desire to please is still there so I never SAY I'm not going to, I just "disappear". It's a lovely trick, I'm sure it's just delightful to experience.
I actually wouldn't be surprised to find out it's just as painful, if not more so than just telling the truth... But unless I'm really upset the chances of me saying it to them are slim... because I don't want to hurt their feelings. Sometimes I feel like INFJs are a walking contradiction.
I can't remember anything major when I said yes but I shouldn't have, but I know a few times when I said no. The last one: on the first full day of our holiday, I told my family that I don't want to go to the beach that morning. We were after a stressful 20-hour bus ride, and I felt like I'm not far from getting driven nuts by my family. They weren't completely understanding, but let me do it. So I stayed in the hotel room, playing Sims 3 and watching that day's FJ video. It was much needed and all for my family's well being. If I didn't get that time off, my entire week there could have gotten ruined.
Maybe it's trusting my intuition too much, but in my experience making these decisions to say no prove themselves later to be the better ones, although the feeling of guilt about them is real. Sometimes I make unexpected decisions about my life, because I get strong feelings about which the better way would be, and usually it took years for them to pay off, despite of seeming to be totally wrong at first. An other example: when I was picking which high school I want to go to, I was determined to go to a language-oriented class in one of the best high schools in the city. It was about having an extra year just for studying languages only. I visited an other high school which didn't have a language oriented class, but it was in a network which allowed the school to take part in international projects. So I opted for the second school, and got into a science-oriented class. At first it was a huge disappointment, because we got a horrible German teacher, after I won so many competitions in German while in primary. On a long term though, I took part in a lot of extracurriculars the next year, got a lot of help from the other teachers - and they were all cursing our teacher for what she was doing with our group - could take part in international competitions, and even got a summer scholarship abroad, which were the best few weeks of my life. I could never have done anything like this in the other school.
Mental preservation is important.
@@chloeh.6235
Yep, one of the most important things, and knowing when you need it.
I feel like we've got to have a good reason to be motivated to do someting. But it's good in a certain way, because when we actually do, that motivation may be what people needed in that moment. I doesn't matter what they'll think when we are not present, but that when we are present we can be very useful (if we learn how to respect our personality). We have a lot of difficulties and problems, but I think that this practical motivation is the best quality of us.
I relate to everything you say in your videos so much, it's both scary and reassuring. Scary because you're basically the same person as me, it seems, but reassuring because it's nice to know I'm not alone!