How Your Spouse Really Feels After Cheating On You | Todd Creager
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- Опубліковано 5 вер 2024
- In this video, relationship coach and expert Todd Creager focuses on how a non-sociopathic cheater feels before and after cheating on you.
Here's what Todd covers in this video:
1. Why he focuses on partners who are non-sociopathic cheaters.
2. Why people cheat on their spouses/partners.
3. What they are experiencing pre and post-discovery of their infidelity.
Listen in and find out what they are really thinking and feeling...plus Todd will share stories from working with thousands of couples helping them survive and thrive after infidelity with a 90% success rate.
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Todd Creager, LCSW, LMFT
Todd is a sex expert and therapist in Huntington Beach. He provides relationship counseling to couples throughout Orange County including Irvine, Newport Beach, Corona del Mar, Laguna Beach, Seal Beach, and Long Beach. (714) 848-2288.
You can find more tips and resources from Todd Creager at: toddcreager.com
Check out Todd's Let's Talk About Love Sex and Infidelity Podcast at podcasts.apple...
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✅ 10 Steps to Healing From Infidelity: toddcreager.ka...
People cheat because they want to, it's purposeful. It's not an accident. They have no self control, self respect, or morals.
I couldn't agree with you more. Cheating is a choice. Just break up with a person rather than cheat on them.
@@meathead5670 agree. Once the person cheat it means the love is not there anymore.
Way more complicated than that. But hey, if that’s what helps you… then enjoy being bitter and angry.
@unonumero717 justify cheating if that what it takes for you. So should we all just cheat on each other when we dislike something our partner does (because each partner has something they wish were different or better, but thats the point of commitment, saying I'm devoted regardless. Otherwise please depart). Does that make it easier for you to rationalize and Normalize. Does that make you feel wonderful and free? Pleass feel that way and don't be upset or angry should you be betrayed via cheating then. Otherwise with choosing to cheat, why complicate things for yourself? Sounds bitter to me.
That's a very reductive way of looking at a very complex decision one makes. Don't mistake what I'm saying as an excuse for the behaviors of someone who cheats, but as a sex therapist and myself, I have counseled people who cheated, and people who were cheated on. The complexities don't diminish the pain caused and received, but reducing the ACT to something perceived as simple, doesn't help either.
I don't think the average cheater has pain that caused them to cheat. I think your average cheater is just selfish and will take anything they can get. They don't need a reason to cheat, just an opportunity.
Your absolutely right! My husband cheated and said there was nothing wrong in our marriage, he loved being married to me, he said he had the opportunity, and was selfish, so he did it, he also had a friend who kept cheating on his wife and not getting caught
@@lorrainem1870 right! The whole marriage could be going great and they're at work exploring opportunities for no good reason. They know full well what they are risking and the petty reason why, which is why they don't want to talk about it because it makes them look worse.
That outside influence of hanging with a bunch of cheaters has a huge effect. My wife had a friend who's husband cheated on her, next thing I know they out at bars attention seeking. Turns out she wasn't even with her friend at all, just lying the whole time to be with some dude. Damn shame... I was willing to go the distance and die faithfully with her. Now, I don't know...
Is she remorseful, and willing to fight for your marriage? Is she a good person overall, like a good mom to your kids if you have any? is she willing to get help? Has she distanced herself with her friend? My husband is all of the above, and he’s fighting for our marriage to the end, also his buddy he hung out with, is no longer in the picture, and if he does even reach out to him once, my husband knows I’m gone!
Amen it's all about choices good or bad.
So true. Imagine cheating on anyone because they’re mad, they need validation, ect. We would all cheat then. Some of us know self control and value a relationship.
Cheaters are thieves of another person’s time. Liars. Just LEAVE - they do NOT truly change.
100%
Truth! They steal time! Take that time back
Some don't change; I have witnessed thousands that DO change.
@@ToddCreagerl appreciate that but l honestly can't comprehend, other than having kids, how a person could even consider staying with a cheater. It's almost comical to me that they do. Good you can help couples navigate this however. You must be a miracle worker.
@@peemartick4655 I totally get you! For some couples, I guess it is not so simple. Thanks for the compliment.
Its simple: cheats want both. The love and support of a relationship and the excitement and validation of spontaneity with someone different.
There is truth in what you say but I disagree that it is simple. I understand the sentiment though.
Before Discovery the wife is having the time of her life and having the best sex of her life. After discovery she's angry at you because you have ruined her good time. They simply feel no more than this
Not what I have seen at all with thousands of people over decades of doing what I do- helping couples and individuals heal after infidelity. There are a whole variety of feelings.
This is true psychopathic cheating is a whole other level, people that make mistakes are different and maybe able to work it out, if it’s a psychopath, run far and disappear
Thanks for this comment, Liz.
“The spouse that was betrayed is 100% not responsible.” One minute later: “could the betrayed spouse have created an environment where blah blah blah”. So, uh, maybe 95% then? Jesus. Lets blame and claim not to blame.
Spot on!! Women can’t accept the truth!
Agree. They were his choices. Total blame. He might of had childhood issues , abuse and neglect, but in the end, his choice and his addiction.
I don't buy into his needs not being met later in the relationship . He was lazy, immature and has parents that are dysfunctional and cheaters themselves.
Dm ☝🏼☝🏼 for fast help…
@@eileenpillmeier3270 taking responsibility for maybe making him feel this way in his marriage?
He said he felt single when leaving for work. Give me a break!! he did it twice and one affair lasted 11 years. I won't go back even though he is a affair program.
That is totally understandable!
A non-sociopathic cheater? Hahahahahaaaaaa. Stop…dude stop, you’re killing me….hahaaaa
I do think this helps to understand why they cheated. And it definitely highlights some of the things that both the betrayed and the cheater need to do to grow from the infidelity. It was definitely helpful that you stated that the cheater is ultimately responsible for the cheating, despite whatever issues existed in the relationship. As a betrayed partner who was married 7 months ago and recently got full disclosure about 6 years of unfaithfulness, it can trigger a lot of self-blame and shame to hear the reasons why the cheater did what they did. A therapist told me that with relationships we can unintentionally show different perceptions to our partners that makes cheating a viable solution. Doesn't mean these perception's are accurate or real, and it does not justify the cheating, but these perceptions need to be addressed by both partners to improve the relationship. This video definitely highlights some of the perceptions that we can accidentally display to our partners which can lead to cheating. And the video helps to understand the inner turmoil, guilt, and self-hatred that they experience; as well as the issues that helped the cheating partner make the decision to cheat. It was also nice to hear about their love for their partner and desire to maintain the relationship despite their infidelity and knowing that it was not something to spite their partner. This provides some reassurance about the importance of the relationship and their love for the betrayed partner.
I personally didn’t care why it happened. Upon discovering I kept it to myself, I forgave her and disappeared from her life with no contact. I was bummed but she was still at work. I just packed essentials, paid the remaining 11 months of our apt lease and moved the next state over to start fresh. She even reported me missing. She eventually caught up to me after a year and a half. She was angry, crying saying how could I leave a 4 year relationship without closure. I provided her the evidence of her cheating and she was shocked asking why I didn’t confront her or talk it out. I explained that confronting a cheater upset is only an ego stroke for the cheater. I told her that me leaving would possibly relieve the burden of her sneaking around and being dishonest. That said, she didn’t owe me an explanation for cheating and it was none of my business. I told her that I received my closure the moment I discovered she was cheating. She tried to accuse me of being a coward for running. I let her know that I walked, a coward would have stuck around and confronted her with this whiny, why me attitude. I simply moved on remembering the good times we shared. She wanted to reconcile by I told her that it’s pathetic to try to seek a relationship with someone you cheated on. Her dad complimented me on handling it that way.
@@standground7956Bravo! 👋👋👋👋
I don't care anymore about why he cheated. He abandoned his whole family. Karma is setting in. And I actually am sorry he is going through pain. But know he is sad but will not get therapy. And I would not even think about going back just because he says sorry.
indeed nancy, he is not worth your time at all. Hope you are doing ok ! ❤
Cheaters have no remorse for what they did. They weighed the options before cheating and decided to do so. The only thing they regret is getting caught. He has his cake and eat it too. Sounds like a splendid life to me! Lol
I’m sorry, I get what he is saying and he is saying from a Clinicians POV, but from a betrayed spouses perspective (at least mine) this just sounds like childish excuses to excuse bad behavior and selfishness.
Great stance, Todd. So many want to exclusively focus on the pain of the betrayed spouse - and in the immediate, rightfully so. However, when we're not willing to ever look at the person who hurt us with a goal to understand and not condemn, all we'll ever see is A) A hateful, horrible, sociopathic person, or B) A personal failure that could have been avoided if WE, the betrayed, were better, smarter, richer, fitter.ect
We either hate them, or hate ourselves, or both.
When we seek to understand, we can see them as unwell people and see their actions as those we'd associate with the addicted or mentally ill, where the fault and responsibility is still theirs, but it allows for a measure of empathy and reprieve from self hatred for ourselves for not being good enough.
Great take on the subject. After the initial gut punch, it does make you pause and see what’s going on with your partner.
Excellent point. I'm just over a month after finding out and just digging into the root and there was definitely an addiction...porn... social media attention. I grew up with an addict and they go through a cycle and they start the slippery slope of this isn't that bad, then this .... where they no longer register or recognize their line of: At least I would never....
A neglectful and volatile mother, aggressive father and untreated ADHD and then add to it before our relationship he didn't realize that he was involved with a narcissist. Trauma with no healing leads to unhealthy coping mechanisms and low impulse control. He's started therapy and I'm in between anger, grief, and knowledge seeking to manage...who knows how it'll go.
I guess, but Imma put it this way, if a arsonist came by and burned your house down, you're not necessarily concerned about the pathology behind why they did it.
Or if a child predator preyed upon your kid, you're not going to really care what went wrong in their lives.
I get that life is a gamble, but if you put in reasonable precautions, then it kind of does you no good to blame yourself for the selfish or psychopathic actions of others.
Some people are just as*holes😂
@Mental_Alchemist 💯 ✔️ cuz a whole lot of us have some child hood pain, adult traumas and just trying to get through life. But we all know betrayal in love crushes, and while we may not be flawless , we at least try to spare a spouse or partner of the well-known pain of cheating on them.
I dont care how a cheater feels after cheating on their spouse.
I married the man I love and loves me. Unfortunately, I was raped and got pregnant from the assault.
My husband as a result, is now cheating on me because he gets triggered because baby is not his.
It tears me apart knowing that he gets up, gets dressed, and "goes out with his friends", which I know is another woman.
He doesn't know that I know he's with another woman.
Help. I don't know how to approach this situation. The rape has totally turned my life upside down and sad to say I feel more pain from my husband's behavior than the rape.
Please someone shed some light on how to even approach this
Please leave and raise your baby and get some good therapy and pour in your health in all areas of your life.
@laquamartin4602 thank you for your response to my post! I appreciate it so much! Much blessings to you!
The reason your husband's behavior is so painful is because it is such an intimate betrayal. I am very, very sad you went through a rape which is traumatic enough as it is, then to have your husband be unfaithful which just adds to your trauma. Frankly I'm surprised you can even get out of bed, let alone function.
I'll answer your question the way I would answer anyone dealing with an unfaithful spouse; Trust your gut and don't ignore it. Don't confront without evidence (because the chances are you'll be lied to). Once you discover infidelity, work to accept that the marriage is over and don't try to get it back to what it was because you never can. Don't make any decisions about divorce or reconciling yet, wait until your emotions stabilize (which can take a while, for me it was about 6 months before I felt some stability return).
As you go forward, do everything you can to separate your healing from your husband's behavior. Pursue your own healing however you can. Try to separate the marriage from your healing as well because your healing is absolutely critical, and more important than your marriage. Try to adopt the mindset that your healing is your job, and saving the marriage is his job.
Above all though, please know these are my suggestions working through my wife's adultery as well as my work in several support groups and my men's group, and that you need to feel empowered to do what you want and I promise you that anybody who knows the pain isn't going to criticize you. We've all been there.
I'll pray for you.
Are you religious? In your situation I'd have definitely had an abortion. If this happened to my wife I'd expect that, then a ton of therapy.
I'd go after the guy personally as well.
If my wife decided to have the child of a rapist or any other man, I'd never cheat on her, but simply divorce her and get on with my life. Her choice to raise another man's child, my choice to not.
I'm sure there are so many details I'm not hearing, but from my point of view, the fact your husband even sticks around is amazing. I don't think he will forever.
BTW, I just found out my darling wife had been cheating on me for over two years, though virtually (videos, love letters, live virtual sex, constant communication, even with me present), so I feel the pain. I'm letting it process for 4 months before I decide on my plan of action.
Just thought I'd mention my suicide-level pain in case you thought me heartless.
I'm so sorry this is a terrible situation for everyone involved. I can understand everyone's point of view here. But I have a question that might seem offensive. Why did you decide to keep the rapist's baby? His behavior is very harmful and toxic but at the same time I can understand his pain too. Obviously, you were the one who was raped and you're the one suffering the most here. But I feel like a terrible situation was made worse with the decision to keep the baby.
Who cares. The cheater made a choice. Often repeated choices.
He's describing "avoidant attachment"
what if the cheater still dont respect her husband? still the same..
IMPORTANT: THIS DOES NOT APPLY TO NARCISSISTS/JEZEBELS! Read that again
Wife has been cheating the majority of our marriage. Found out about #1 and she chose to work on the marriage when in all reality she continued the affair for several months until I caught her a couple times and then started #2 a year ago. I have given her out after out but she continues to “choose” the marriage. She said she is willing to do counseling this time which is an improvement but isn’t sure she wants to put in the effort to rekindle romance which she now believes she never had for me despite dating me for 8 years and being married for 9. I honestly don’t know what to think about her decisions. When I aksed her she said “I guess I just want my cake and to eat it too”. How would you unpack that statement and the probability of her ever honestly choosing to stay faithful in the future?
I took her back to save her life. I was not as traumatized by her cheating as that I had no choice, but to stay. I felt so trapped and devastated that I didn't eat or stop shaking for a month (on the bright side I lost 35 lbs). She insisted it was weird and she somehow the victim, not a normal affair. Now many years later after drilling down to the undeniable truth, it was a very typical affair. Now that I finally have a plausible story, my mind can rest. That's good, the bad part is knowing she was more in control of this affair relationship than her lover boy, and could have ended before it ended in crisis. I don't see her the way I use too..
Wow Frank. I do understand that. I’m glad your mind can rest now.
@@ToddCreager The hardest part was I had no choice in the matter. The affair ended with a date rape. She didn't see him again before telling me. I wanted to end our relationship, but knew she would go back to this very dangerous character. I still loved her enough to not want to see that happen.
Wow, this is really good insight.
Bull#(T I've Talked Pleaded and Begged....... So No More!!!!!!! There is Someone out there that can Fill My Needs!!!!!
I guess my husband falls under the sociopathic cheater then.
Good to at least know what he is.
I think a great number of cheaters are quite honestly
I've been interested in listening to you and wanted to ask you a few questions about long time marriage and cheating
Men, do not hesitate for one moment to put a restraining order against your female partner if you feel your safety and health is in jeopardy. Placing a permanent restraining order on my female partner was absolutely the wisest protective move of my adult lifetime. My only regret is not doing it years earlier. Men, be safe!
👏👏👏
Honestly it's all about your choices good or bad whether you had trouble in your life or not you know how you want to be treated and how you should treat others there is no excuse to emotionally abuse properly abused or tries to downplay a cheaters actions why do they get to feel like they have an excuse to cheat it would be easier to come to your spouse and address the issues you have internally and also externally but most men or women are cowards and would rather see validation outside their marriage they only begin to change or pretend to change when they get caught and that's the key thing they got caught they were living in a fantasy world and also having a secure world at the same time within the marriage so they were just fine with how everything was going until their significant other thought I was going on we have to have more compassion for the betrayed spouse they have to do the healing work in themselves in order to have fruitful and meaningful relationships.
This 👍 very well said.
🙏🏾Thank you
Who are you to say what someone else is feeling?
I wish my mistress would do this work with her husband!
SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO don't fucking care how they feel.
This is all wrong not all the cheaters fault sometimes the other spouses fault .Go to church ,work on your marriage everyday ,appreciate each other and show it .Just.because your married doesn't give permission to flirt ,neglect the others feelings ,keep them hostage at home .
It's a hard decision of just going or staying in the relationship. If you have the urge/temptation to cheat, be brave enough to own it. Cheating is a selfish decision, you can't have it both ways.