Same here, 10 years. But I played along from a safe distance to see what happens. She wanted to meet up 2 times, then cancelled each time so I said I'm not interested in wasting any more time. Since respecting boundaries was never her strong point she decided that long voice mails would possibly do the job. Long voice mails full of gibberish. She wanted to get support for a research project about... and then she just added an array of words, completely cryptic nonsense, without context. Cat power plants, morphogenetic field, cold iron balls floating in space, neutron detectors and other fantastic words, just put one after the other. And by the way that neutron detector was of course being supplied by an american scientist. She even said "I think you know what I mean. I just need someone like you who can easily play with numbers." That reinvitation to her shared fantasy was quite scary to say the least but I played gullible and responded with a voice mail "I don't get any of this, what do you want from me? Are you okay?" She didn't even listen to that voicemail for a week so I just deleted the whole dialog to not have to read her name again. 2 minutes later I got a message about how she just now wanted to listen to that voicemail but it somehow disappeared. Well, my response was that I just deleted that message immediately to let her know... see you in 10 years, darling
So in reality they are saying to be Christian you must subject yourself to be disempowered, humiliated, physically and mentally abused, treated with contempt and bigotry. Somehow I don’t think Jesus would have seen this as something he would’ve wanted people to do to each other. Most Christians I’ve come across who use the ‘Christian’ word in such context is to purposely use it to abuse, accuse and inflict pain and trauma like some sadistic rapist/ pedophile/ domestic violence abuser. Like the terrorists using a religion (usually either Christianity or Islam), to inflict trauma on a group of people or nation. The only difference is that individual narcissists do it on a ‘lower scale’. Keep on your path of individuality. 🤘🏽
Perfectly explained. They create the story as they go along, and when the play needs to shift to a different ending , they know how to project so that they leave looking blameless, the victim, so that they can continue on serving their ego through others, whilst avoiding themselves, and responsibility at all costs.
Narcissism is being taught in the west as the new norm. I was tortured by psychopath narcissist. Your videos help so much with my own objects therapy. I could give a crap about the narcissist I’m free from that, but I do need to get some of the deep stains they left on my perception of self gone. Thank you for all the free therapy lessons.
Thank You very much Professor Vaknin. After decades of mental and emotional and sometimes physical abuse from my angry mother and entitled sibling, I am relieved to know how to respond. No contact is the only answer. My husband was physically and emotionally abusive as well. Their hoovers failed. I feel stronger. Thank You. I watch your videos everyday. You are truly inspiring and your videos strengthen us all.
Thank you professor. I expect the narcissist isn't watching videos to help him/ herself get through painful soul destroying break ups and picking up the pieces of their lives. They just go on living the best life with 100s / 1000s left in the wake. While we do all the work .
I wouldn't say being your own worst enemy is "living the best life". Narcessists have horrorble lives. Have you ever seen a narcessistic person just sit back, relax and let the world go by? They would rather stab themselves in the eye than find any kind of peace, quite literally.
From my experience first hand- being low contact with the 3 vile narcissists I was subjected to growing up- it’s been over 30 years and they have become more decrepit in thought word and deed as they have aged. Their ‘true ugly’ is showing in their faces now. I only had relief for my mother literally having to die to get out of that septic tank 2 years back. She was gone 10 weeks after diagnosis. I don’t envy any of them. They are far too toxic to be around. I would feel more comfortable and alive in the dead zone of Chernobyl than being around them. And it’s only since I’ve done reflection that they are far more toxic, far less inhibited to spit their venom and do cruel perverse actions. What ugly sick lives they have and I am grateful I finally let go and have no contact. I hope their own kids realize this and go low contact. Sucks to be them.
After I realized how he really was, coupled with the fact this was not a serious relationship, I thought it was best for me to not get further entangled. I was making excuses when he called wanting to get together. Even though he was very nasty, I felt bad making up lies. So at one point I simply said I don’t think I can be intimate with you again, I like to be treated in a different way. I was not mad at him or anything, I just saw that who he really is, is not who he was when he first approached. Instead of appreciating my honesty, he instead came back with an insult about my body. I could have said some very mean things back, but I sort of ignored the comment instead. He approached a really nice person, and although not my type, I was willing to see what he was all about. He started tearing me down right away, and the whole thing was very perplexing. Eighteen months later, I still miss talking to him, but some things are better left in the past. Just like you said, once you shut them down they make it like they are ending it, not you. I ended it, but he needed to get that last insult in to make me feel like I was not even good enough.
Wow. Of the hundreds of comments I've read, none have explained what is very similar to mine. This is the most similar situation that I'm in. I just know he will be part of me forever.
I don't understand why going no contact is so hard for people.. It guves ypu multiple things. If you feel the need for Revenge it gives you that. If you feel the need for validation it gives you that. If you simply want peace and to move on it gives you that... So many things can be accomplished by simply ignoring them 🤷♂️
I think it's difficult because of the trauma bonding, it feels like an addiction, and to break the shared fantasy is painful and difficult too. Plus, we remain hopeful that the person is not a narcissist and things will change somehow, until we realise that we're wasting our time thinking that way. Our brains refuse to accept we've been abused too. No contact is freedom but until you accept that reality it takes some time, acceptance, help and knowledge to understand all cycles. At least this is my experience.
Agreed. I knew who he was 3 months in and never had an issue ignoring him. I ignored him to the point he doubted his own existence! I also wasn’t trauma bonded and only stayed to protect my daughter, therefore, knowing who he was so early on I was fortunate enough to not be addicted to him. The only thing I was addicted to was getting rid of him!
You are an individual who is unable to see outside of your perspective, like most people, you think your behavior and abilities are the standard. They are not. People deserve grace and not microaggressive comparisons.
Because they haven't come to terms to the reality of who they're dealing with. Cognitive dissonance and trauma bonding. You have to accept reality. Until, one will stay in a psychotic cycle of the narcissist. Doing the same thing but getting worst results and degradation each round.
Left my ex narc BF 7 yrs ago. Absolutely no contact was my mantra. Blocked him on social media. After 7 yrs up pops a Facebook instant message from him. When I saw that face in the circle I immediately swiped it away WITHOUT reading the message; and went to my settings. Somehow he managed to read my Facebook page where I had posted about my new grandson. I re blocked him. The next day I got 3 hang up calls in a row from him. Now THATS the true narc reacting to my rejection!!
Thanks for explaining Sam. I can listen and listen. I'm 5 months no contact today. I cut everything off. He 'said' he had 28yrs of sobriety when he 'wandered' into my favorite AA mtg. So many of my friends knew him, he sponsored men, etc so I trusted him. When I went NC some of these trusted people became his spies (flying monkeys) so I made the super hard choice to leave a favorite mtg. I've learned from your videos that I had a part in this. He already nearly took my soul I wasn't going to lose my sobriety also. Thank you again!
My Ex didn't even try to hoover!! 😂 He knows I know and the game is over!! Once in a week he can call his little one, but doesn't do so if it doesn't fit in his plan. I don't care what he's talking to others. Ppl that know me know the facts and support me. That's all we need 🙏🏼❤️ Thanks to Mr. Vaknin and to my resilience the process of healing didn't take long! I'm not afraid anymore, but still careful! And still document every little thing... In case...
That, sir, was the most accurate, articulate explanation of what goes on in the mind of the Narcissist. If people understood that, they would know what they are up against and cut the BS about how they could change, misguided sympathy or empathy, etc... I have watched your videos for years and as a child of a paternal Narcissist, I have been healed a great deal through your insight. Bravo Sam, I believe your "quickie" was the best nugget of wisdom yet. ;) Thank you.
I'm very appreciative of your work, professor. Even after the final discard, it takes a long time to recover. I seem to have idealized him as well, and remember what I liked about him rather than the reality. Am I still stuck in the shared fantasy? Will it always be that way? I want him out of my head, finally.
I understand completely....the key is reminding yourself of the bad aspects, I like yourself, know that I will always love johnnie: he is handsome, brilliant and all that good stuff,HOWEVER I also realize that he could push me to kill him, because I know myself well enough to know that I will not take his s^^t....we had a brief relationship, just a few years...I gave up myself for him during those couple years....If he tries to return, I will let him know in no uncertain terms, that HE IS ENDANGERING his own life because I will kill him DEAD! I think he will get the message because I realize he is nothing but a COWARD,period!!!
Thankyou for your videos! I thought my boss was a liar with dementia... turns out its narscissim! After 7 years of micromanagement and being punished for thinking, I'm finally able to leave and reclaim my autonomy and freedom.
There are some disordered people who have the behavior of of NPD or BPD, but they do not hoover after a rage or do it years later. This would imply that the relationship was more transactional than emotional. They simply don't need you or you were replaced and that there never was any real attachment. I read somewhere that the permanent, abrupt ending with no hoover is more the likely the behavior a psychopath, as opposed to a narcissist or borderline. Businesses that fire non-performing employees seldom call them back. Could it be that many human relationships are this cold and empty.
This is so interesting!! Sounds more like my husband (soon to be ex) as he is such a serious person that I don’t doubt what he is saying when he discards, even if the information they recall is wrong - but while he has all the other typical covert narc behaviours until the mask fell off right at the end.
Dear Prof. Vaknin , thank you very much for the detailed treatment of my question yesterday in your video . As always excellent , understandable and to the point . I am curious how long my devalued introject in the narcissist will remain devalued . The re-idealisations have so far taken place at noticeably shorter intervals . The dynamic is remarkable. Thank you also at this point for the video about the hidden messages in narcissist contact attempts . It is pure entertainment to see how he modifies his strategy more and more in order to restore his grandiosity. What did you call it in one of your many videos ? Laughable, almost comedic. I will be armed with popcorn to watch the further spectacle with pleasure .
This upload helped me more today ( I've watched it twice) . I can't thank you enough Prof. The video on self love should be implemented in all senior graduates final exams. Imo.
While I have walked away and have had no contact for almost 3 months, and I understand the value of no contact to my own mental and emotional health, I am struck by the immense amount of energy a narcissist uses to run his software and library. To die, with all of that in one's head/memory sounds cold. Of course, I won't be available to the narcissist that was in my life; but this adds a new layer of understanding for me. You've explained it so clearly and almost visually. Thank you.
Exactly. I was so happy, I thought ok, I broke up with him, I didn't let him distruct me, I didn't let him take our kids, I have another partner, he has another partner, I can live my life finally. And since that he started activly manipulating to prove that I'm a stupid irresponsible person and he pitties me and tries to control my life for my sake. And yes, it feels like he'll never let me be. I was always quite resistant to his manipulations to make me misbehave and it was unexplainable for me why he would put so much of afford, why not to spend this energy on something useful for him. So I'm still fighting this pig in the muddy puddle(
Thank you for your learned insight. Your words ring true and have helped me move on with the conviction that I have made the right decision. Everything is exactly as you say, in my extensive experience with a diagnosed narcissist. I have never experienced such abuse in my life until now, and my reasoning compass is completely demagnetized. I am adrift without any sense of what is acceptable or reasonable in a relationship. I still think of my narcissist partner every 2-3 seconds, despite weeks of separation and clear recollections of the extraordinary physical and emotional abuse, extortion, and infidelity. I know now that I must say "no" to my impulses to resume with her, especially whenever she arrives where I am and hoovers me. Thank you for your help in my process of extrication and standing my ground. Please continue your important work here.
When I refuse his love bombing, he gets so cruel. Telling me how all women were and are better. Calling me the most horrific names. He does rewrite the history, suddenly I am the cheater when he was the actual cheater.
Yes he forced me to ne jealous by making me extrem jealous in 4-5 situation. I could let that do with me, so I have to say something… and yes what hapernd, he turned it round on me and told me I destroyed the relationship by beeing so jealous out of the blue!!!! And that he couldn’t go out with me cause I mad it to negativ by my jealousy😂 just one example: he asked a women who tools pictures in a concert of the performer if she wants his cellfon number so she could send him her pictures. I made pictures too. He did not even look at them. The women laughs and said: is that your kind of flirting and getting numbers of the ladies! She didn’t give him her number! As I asked him way He did this and told him that this was hurting me… he said that was just a joke… and he told me late in car: why are you so jelous… to go out with you is such a stress! I can’t deal with this, that’s not fun!!! 😂😮 no words!! B
This is exactly how my ex narc thought. Wow. You are 100% correct. I never understood her but she said those very things “I thought you were perfect in the beginning. You took that away from me.” I didn’t get her or who she was describing my response was often without knowing that I was now being devalued. “Who is this you guy you keep mentioning. I’m starting to get jealous with how much you listen to him.” Welp I guess she can never say i didn’t have a sense of humor. She can devalue me on all other ways but not that lol. Also the training. Dishes had to be washed a certain way her bathroom had to be cleaned a certain way. I was thinking I was helping but was actually being molded to her image of me I often told her I’m washing the dishes out of love cuz I know you don’t like washing them. If you want it a certain way do it that way when you wash them and accept my kind act. Thx professor I am clear on what was happening now. Poor thing is in torment in her head. I’m staying in no contact. I’ve watched her devalue everyone in her life from parents siblings to friends. Just wow. I know for sure how she is talking about me and how it is all my fault because I witness her do it to literally everyone.
Was just hovered, and I rejected it. Now I’m feeling ultra low from all the bullying when I told the person I’m vulnerable these days with SI…my family left town and I swear he wants me to have an attempt.
So if I get this straight as long as the narcissist is not mortified there will always be a chance of him trying to hoover if the failed hoovering only caused an injury instead of mortification
Can the re-idealization and making a target an enemy upon rejection cycle back around and around after time ? Or once the target is an enemy do they stay an enemy?
I exposed the covert narc after she discarded me, even her sis empathised with me as I had evidence. It would be a narc scar if not mortification. I hope no chance of hoover?
I just got out, never could place him or knew sure what he had besides Asperger ( he had nothing or didn’t know, his mother gave some information but never enough) so many if not all things were to be seen and put in the lists of NPD. I’ve seen and felt it all(I’ve even let him do the OCEAN test) very weird scores he had. I’m a very strong person and personality (it’s very hard work to get mentally out) so different than other relationships. I’ve seen punishment and everything else, they use the same punishment every time, always 2 days of not talking after I said something or not talking and when a friend group came together he acted like nothing was wrong and was even more happy……
I was hovered today and in my mind since I didn’t respond if in fact that would drive him crazy enough to come bro my house , job ect . Has anyone experienced this when you ignore the Hoover move ?
Can music be a strong factor in creating the trauma bond? I literally am right back in the tortured feelings when I hear songs he played So they play stuff on purpose?
That makes sense…during love bombing…he bragged about my love making desires but during the devaluation stage, he used it to shame me…numerous other examples but that’s the main one we always dealt with…
Thank you professor for your answer. I hope that in one of the next episodes you will explain what the reaction of a person with borderline personality disorder is.
Yet again No discomfort no consequences for the narcissist (if I wouldn’t know the true price for these tormented people, I almost wish I could have that type of indifference)
Thank you so much Professor Vaknin. Would you explain this process in the context of a narcissistic parent? Much of this resonates with my experience (being coerced, blackmailed, steered etc to conform to an unrealistic expectation and penalised when I have not) but my experience is with a narcissistic parent. How does said parent experience the adult child who now refuses to engage with them? Is there a re-idealization component?
But my Ex narcissistic partner after i lefr him tried 3 times in 3 mounths to hoover me back after I refused him. Lovebombing was big. Is he real narcisstic? At the end I desided to devaluate myself in front of him showing myself not nice and honest by asking from him something which is unapropriate and ruin the picture because of he had chosen me. Can this be usefull? I order to cold him self for me forever? I can not go no contract, becacuse we have some mutual business.
How do you as the survior of narcissist discard get through the cognitive dissonance of the person he was while in the relationship and how he rapidly changed to a cold mean person? I’m still so confused and question whether he was a narcissist or not… he was so kind and loving until 6 months in when he abruptly left me and said he couldn’t be with anyone. He acted as if we had nothing and it was very serious. Why would he allow me to get so close to his family if he was just using me? Sorry so so many questions.
Question: After they re-devalue you following rejection, will they leave you alone and not seek revenge? Or will they at some point dust off your picture again and try again?
@@samvaknin Mine came back 3 days after I left her, at which point I told her I'm "still processing" the events around the final argument. She replied "It's good if you finish processing - I want to give you time to think". That was 2 weeks ago and silence since then. I'm hoping that she'll just fade away into a new supply, and I can dodge a revenge by appearing to still be available to her..... 🤔
what does the narcissist do when you reject their reidealized internal object? calls the police over a text sent from a year ago. terroristic threats. had the word “die” in it.
Professor Vaknin, is this also valid to a psychopath? She tried to hoover me, one month after, but I feel, it was just to be another man arrested in her web, so she can use me like a tool.
Will he hoover me if he said you sold me twice for a cat ( we were long distance and he wanted me to come back to his country and I told him that I can‘t come until my mother takes the cat - he said he got sold cheap for an animal- yes the story of our breakup is sooo crazy and unrealistic but really this is why he discarded me after forcing me to come back and me delaying it ) ? Was this a narcissistic injury or mortification ?
i do i know if I'm a narcissist? i keep getting the impression that i am and do not want to be, if i am. i do feel like i have tendencies, but enough to willingly and intentionally being the cause for, or deliberately hurting others. when i watch these videos though, i do feel so much similarity tho. extra edit (ADHD addition): thanks for doing these videos, i hope they help many people.
Refused thr hoover went no cintaxt except when i had to take legal action. He remarried i am again no contact but have to take him back to court. So contact will have to resume but only through court. I dont talk to him or send any messages through third parties. However i do check his social media.
Conclusion : the narcissist likes you when you have nothing to do with them 😅
One of the best video on the subject
They become so obsessed when we ignore i didn’t know or realize that ..not realizing we running for our lives 😅
😂🤣 BASICALLY…
(Well, likes you most Or hates you most, I think he said.)
Next time my narcissist brother returns with a hoover I'll say, "You could not live with your failures, so where did that lead you? Back to me."
@@davedoe4932 this is good
10 years no contact and then I got a hoover over social media. I laughed my head off at the insanity and stayed no contact. Thanks for your videos.
Bet it still sent a cold chill up your spine.
Same here, 10 years. But I played along from a safe distance to see what happens. She wanted to meet up 2 times, then cancelled each time so I said I'm not interested in wasting any more time. Since respecting boundaries was never her strong point she decided that long voice mails would possibly do the job. Long voice mails full of gibberish. She wanted to get support for a research project about... and then she just added an array of words, completely cryptic nonsense, without context. Cat power plants, morphogenetic field, cold iron balls floating in space, neutron detectors and other fantastic words, just put one after the other. And by the way that neutron detector was of course being supplied by an american scientist. She even said "I think you know what I mean. I just need someone like you who can easily play with numbers." That reinvitation to her shared fantasy was quite scary to say the least but I played gullible and responded with a voice mail "I don't get any of this, what do you want from me? Are you okay?"
She didn't even listen to that voicemail for a week so I just deleted the whole dialog to not have to read her name again. 2 minutes later I got a message about how she just now wanted to listen to that voicemail but it somehow disappeared. Well, my response was that I just deleted that message immediately to let her know... see you in 10 years, darling
@@OriginalStepherd you dodged that bullet . Stay safe 😀
👏👏👏👏
Taking back all of my individuality this year after being called "bad", "unchristian", "weird", ... for having a strong personality 🤦🏻♀️
So in reality they are saying to be Christian you must subject yourself to be disempowered, humiliated, physically and mentally abused, treated with contempt and bigotry. Somehow I don’t think Jesus would have seen this as something he would’ve wanted people to do to each other. Most Christians I’ve come across who use the ‘Christian’ word in such context is to purposely use it to abuse, accuse and inflict pain and trauma like some sadistic rapist/ pedophile/ domestic violence abuser. Like the terrorists using a religion (usually either Christianity or Islam), to inflict trauma on a group of people or nation. The only difference is that individual narcissists do it on a ‘lower scale’. Keep on your path of individuality. 🤘🏽
...take it!!!
Same
So will I , despite fear I will
Any hoover attempt would be an insult, and would be ignored.
No contact forever!
They're coming back to see if you're stupid
Perfectly explained. They create the story as they go along, and when the play needs to shift to a different ending , they know how to project so that they leave looking blameless, the victim, so that they can continue on serving their ego through others, whilst avoiding themselves, and responsibility at all costs.
Narcissism is being taught in the west as the new norm. I was tortured by psychopath narcissist. Your videos help so much with my own objects therapy. I could give a crap about the narcissist I’m free from that, but I do need to get some of the deep stains they left on my perception of self gone. Thank you for all the free therapy lessons.
"I know you like it long." This was already an excellent start
😂
😂
It got MY attention.
@@cleodivine83
Next time my narcissist brother returns with a hoover I'll say, "You could not live with your failures, so where did that lead you? Back to me."
Thanos never misses... Neither will you...
You should have millions of followers because this information is gold!
It is precisely because this information is gold that I am being silenced by UA-cam and social media.
Thank You very much Professor Vaknin. After decades of mental and emotional and sometimes physical abuse from my angry mother and entitled sibling, I am relieved to know how to respond. No contact is the only answer. My husband was physically and emotionally abusive as well. Their hoovers failed. I feel stronger. Thank You. I watch your videos everyday. You are truly inspiring and your videos strengthen us all.
Thank you professor.
I expect the narcissist isn't watching videos to help him/ herself get through painful soul destroying break ups and picking up the pieces of their lives. They just go on living the best life with 100s / 1000s left in the wake. While we do all the work .
Only the aware narcissist would do that, which is a minority. All the rest think they are perfect and they don’t have to self improve. Rest assured
I wouldn't say being your own worst enemy is "living the best life". Narcessists have horrorble lives. Have you ever seen a narcessistic person just sit back, relax and let the world go by? They would rather stab themselves in the eye than find any kind of peace, quite literally.
From my experience first hand- being low contact with the 3 vile narcissists I was subjected to growing up- it’s been over 30 years and they have become more decrepit in thought word and deed as they have aged. Their ‘true ugly’ is showing in their faces now. I only had relief for my mother literally having to die to get out of that septic tank 2 years back. She was gone 10 weeks after diagnosis. I don’t envy any of them. They are far too toxic to be around. I would feel more comfortable and alive in the dead zone of Chernobyl than being around them. And it’s only since I’ve done reflection that they are far more toxic, far less inhibited to spit their venom and do cruel perverse actions. What ugly sick lives they have and I am grateful I finally let go and have no contact. I hope their own kids realize this and go low contact. Sucks to be them.
In the end they will face God, and what a day that will be. They are only "Pending"
After I realized how he really was, coupled with the fact this was not a serious relationship, I thought it was best for me to not get further entangled. I was making excuses when he called wanting to get together. Even though he was very nasty, I felt bad making up lies. So at one point I simply said I don’t think I can be intimate with you again, I like to be treated in a different way. I was not mad at him or anything, I just saw that who he really is, is not who he was when he first approached. Instead of appreciating my honesty, he instead came back with an insult about my body. I could have said some very mean things back, but I sort of ignored the comment instead. He approached a really nice person, and although not my type, I was willing to see what he was all about. He started tearing me down right away, and the whole thing was very perplexing. Eighteen months later, I still miss talking to him, but some things are better left in the past. Just like you said, once you shut them down they make it like they are ending it, not you. I ended it, but he needed to get that last insult in to make me feel like I was not even good enough.
Wow. Of the hundreds of comments I've read, none have explained what is very similar to mine. This is the most similar situation that I'm in. I just know he will be part of me forever.
I don't understand why going no contact is so hard for people.. It guves ypu multiple things. If you feel the need for Revenge it gives you that. If you feel the need for validation it gives you that. If you simply want peace and to move on it gives you that... So many things can be accomplished by simply ignoring them 🤷♂️
I think it's difficult because of the trauma bonding, it feels like an addiction, and to break the shared fantasy is painful and difficult too.
Plus, we remain hopeful that the person is not a narcissist and things will change somehow, until we realise that we're wasting our time thinking that way. Our brains refuse to accept we've been abused too. No contact is freedom but until you accept that reality it takes some time, acceptance, help and knowledge to understand all cycles.
At least this is my experience.
Agreed. I knew who he was 3 months in and never had an issue ignoring him. I ignored him to the point he doubted his own existence! I also wasn’t trauma bonded and only stayed to protect my daughter, therefore, knowing who he was so early on I was fortunate enough to not be addicted to him. The only thing I was addicted to was getting rid of him!
You are an individual who is unable to see outside of your perspective, like most people, you think your behavior and abilities are the standard. They are not. People deserve grace and not microaggressive comparisons.
@@eboyd2478 All facts! You said a mouthful 💅
Because they haven't come to terms to the reality of who they're dealing with. Cognitive dissonance and trauma bonding. You have to accept reality. Until, one will stay in a psychotic cycle of the narcissist. Doing the same thing but getting worst results and degradation each round.
I got a card for Valentines from him quoting "always on my mind".
It makes sense now!
I got a Mother's Day card from my cat in the mail.. from demon.
Left my ex narc BF 7 yrs ago. Absolutely no contact was my mantra. Blocked him on social media. After 7 yrs up pops a Facebook instant message from him. When I saw that face in the circle I immediately swiped it away WITHOUT reading the message; and went to my settings. Somehow he managed to read my Facebook page where I had posted about my new grandson. I re blocked him. The next day I got 3 hang up calls in a row from him. Now THATS the true narc reacting to my rejection!!
If you blocked him how did he contact you and then call you?
He can cognitive dissonance all he wants, he's blocked and he's staying blocked end of!
Thank you Sam, truly a brilliant mind. The languages you speak are those that do not exist with words.
Thank you for helping us all to understand what is going on. So helpful x
When I didn't take the Hoover he had a narcissist injury, and got worser on drugs and I heard he is out on the streets on drugs.
His fault and not yours.
Thanks for explaining Sam. I can listen and listen. I'm 5 months no contact today. I cut everything off. He 'said' he had 28yrs of sobriety when he 'wandered' into my favorite AA mtg. So many of my friends knew him, he sponsored men, etc so I trusted him. When I went NC some of these trusted people became his spies (flying monkeys) so I made the super hard choice to leave a favorite mtg. I've learned from your videos that I had a part in this. He already nearly took my soul I wasn't going to lose my sobriety also. Thank you again!
My Ex didn't even try to hoover!! 😂
He knows I know and the game is over!! Once in a week he can call his little one, but doesn't do so if it doesn't fit in his plan. I don't care what he's talking to others. Ppl that know me know the facts and support me. That's all we need 🙏🏼❤️
Thanks to Mr. Vaknin and to my resilience the process of healing didn't take long!
I'm not afraid anymore, but still careful! And still document every little thing... In case...
Love the way you Explained This 💯 Keep Shining your Light God Bless You
That, sir, was the most accurate, articulate explanation of what goes on in the mind of the Narcissist. If people understood that, they would know what they are up against and cut the BS about how they could change, misguided sympathy or empathy, etc... I have watched your videos for years and as a child of a paternal Narcissist, I have been healed a great deal through your insight. Bravo Sam, I believe your "quickie" was the best nugget of wisdom yet. ;) Thank you.
Nobody changes
The only thing I heard was he doesn't want me. I am happy with that outcome 🎉
I friggin love your sense of humor 😂😂😂 you kill me with that opening line
I really,really believe that this world would be soooooo poor without your work and dedication.Thank you,thank you ,thank you.
I'm very appreciative of your work, professor. Even after the final discard, it takes a long time to recover. I seem to have idealized him as well, and remember what I liked about him rather than the reality. Am I still stuck in the shared fantasy? Will it always be that way? I want him out of my head, finally.
I understand completely....the key is reminding yourself of the bad aspects, I like yourself, know that I will always love johnnie: he is handsome, brilliant and all that good stuff,HOWEVER I also realize that he could push me to kill him, because I know myself well enough to know that I will not take his s^^t....we had a brief relationship, just a few years...I gave up myself for him during those couple years....If he tries to return, I will let him know in no uncertain terms, that HE IS ENDANGERING his own life because I will kill him DEAD! I think he will get the message because I realize he is nothing but a COWARD,period!!!
Same here. This is so shocking on the body. It's part of the trauma.
Same.
Thankyou for your videos!
I thought my boss was a liar with dementia... turns out its narscissim!
After 7 years of micromanagement and being punished for thinking, I'm finally able to leave and reclaim my autonomy and freedom.
There are some disordered people who have the behavior of of NPD or BPD, but they do not hoover after a rage or do it years later. This would imply that the relationship was more transactional than emotional. They simply don't need you or you were replaced and that there never was any real attachment. I read somewhere that the permanent, abrupt ending with no hoover is more the likely the behavior a psychopath, as opposed to a narcissist or borderline. Businesses that fire non-performing employees seldom call them back. Could it be that many human relationships are this cold and empty.
This is so interesting!! Sounds more like my husband (soon to be ex) as he is such a serious person that I don’t doubt what he is saying when he discards, even if the information they recall is wrong - but while he has all the other typical covert narc behaviours until the mask fell off right at the end.
Somehow this view you present is extremely dangerous.
Love your teaching
I am going for an MA in Counseling.. you can bet I will be quoting from this mans research.
Dear Prof. Vaknin ,
thank you very much for the detailed treatment of my question yesterday in your video .
As always excellent , understandable and to the point .
I am curious how long my devalued introject in the narcissist will remain devalued . The re-idealisations have so far taken place at noticeably shorter intervals . The dynamic is remarkable.
Thank you also at this point for the video about the hidden messages in narcissist contact attempts .
It is pure entertainment to see how he modifies his strategy more and more in order to restore his grandiosity.
What did you call it in one of your many videos ? Laughable, almost comedic.
I will be armed with popcorn to watch the further spectacle with pleasure .
This upload helped me more today ( I've watched it twice) . I can't thank you enough Prof. The video on self love should be implemented in all senior graduates final exams. Imo.
While I have walked away and have had no contact for almost 3 months, and I understand the value of no contact to my own mental and emotional health, I am struck by the immense amount of energy a narcissist uses to run his software and library. To die, with all of that in one's head/memory sounds cold. Of course, I won't be available to the narcissist that was in my life; but this adds a new layer of understanding for me. You've explained it so clearly and almost visually. Thank you.
Professor Vaknin, thank you.
Photoshop Retouching - this is THE description. I learned it as a graphic designer. But it is the narcis weapon.
Awesome teachings. Thank you
Exactly. I was so happy, I thought ok, I broke up with him, I didn't let him distruct me, I didn't let him take our kids, I have another partner, he has another partner, I can live my life finally. And since that he started activly manipulating to prove that I'm a stupid irresponsible person and he pitties me and tries to control my life for my sake. And yes, it feels like he'll never let me be. I was always quite resistant to his manipulations to make me misbehave and it was unexplainable for me why he would put so much of afford, why not to spend this energy on something useful for him. So I'm still fighting this pig in the muddy puddle(
Don’t let it get to you. He’s a pathetic little boy on the inside.
Thank you for your learned insight. Your words ring true and have helped me move on with the conviction that I have made the right decision. Everything is exactly as you say, in my extensive experience with a diagnosed narcissist. I have never experienced such abuse in my life until now, and my reasoning compass is completely demagnetized. I am adrift without any sense of what is acceptable or reasonable in a relationship. I still think of my narcissist partner every 2-3 seconds, despite weeks of separation and clear recollections of the extraordinary physical and emotional abuse, extortion, and infidelity. I know now that I must say "no" to my impulses to resume with her, especially whenever she arrives where I am and hoovers me. Thank you for your help in my process of extrication and standing my ground. Please continue your important work here.
When I refuse his love bombing, he gets so cruel. Telling me how all women were and are better. Calling me the most horrific names. He does rewrite the history, suddenly I am the cheater when he was the actual cheater.
Thank you Prof. You are brilliant.
Thank you for explaining this beautifully elegant algorithm. My no contact stays.
Yes he forced me to ne jealous by making me extrem jealous in 4-5 situation. I could let that do with me, so I have to say something… and yes what hapernd, he turned it round on me and told me I destroyed the relationship by beeing so jealous out of the blue!!!!
And that he couldn’t go out with me cause I mad it to negativ by my jealousy😂 just one example: he asked a women who tools pictures in a concert of the performer if she wants his cellfon number so she could send him her pictures. I made pictures too. He did not even look at them. The women laughs and said: is that your kind of flirting and getting numbers of the ladies! She didn’t give him her number!
As I asked him way He did this and told him that this was hurting me… he said that was just a joke… and he told me late in car: why are you so jelous… to go out with you is such a stress! I can’t deal with this, that’s not fun!!! 😂😮 no words!! B
Learn grammar before commenting next time
Great clarification post! The more you teach me Professor Vaknin the more shocked I am that I got out alive. Thank you! 💚
I know right? Surviving a narcissist is truly a superpower!
@@A.M.6795 You said it perfectly, it is a superpower! I love your term Superpower. 🙏
This is exactly how my ex narc thought. Wow. You are 100% correct. I never understood her but she said those very things “I thought you were perfect in the beginning. You took that away from me.” I didn’t get her or who she was describing my response was often without knowing that I was now being devalued. “Who is this you guy you keep mentioning. I’m starting to get jealous with how much you listen to him.”
Welp I guess she can never say i didn’t have a sense of humor. She can devalue me on all other ways but not that lol. Also the training. Dishes had to be washed a certain way her bathroom had to be cleaned a certain way. I was thinking I was helping but was actually being molded to her image of me
I often told her I’m washing the dishes out of love cuz I know you don’t like washing them. If you want it a certain way do it that way when you wash them and accept my kind act.
Thx professor I am clear on what was happening now. Poor thing is in torment in her head. I’m staying in no contact. I’ve watched her devalue everyone in her life from parents siblings to friends. Just wow. I know for sure how she is talking about me and how it is all my fault because I witness her do it to literally everyone.
This man deserves millions of views
That sounds completely hopeless. And my experiences tell me: you are right...
Marvellous explanation. Thank you.
Was just hovered, and I rejected it. Now I’m feeling ultra low from all the bullying when I told the person I’m vulnerable these days with SI…my family left town and I swear he wants me to have an attempt.
Fantastic info, thanks.
Thanks Dr. Vaknin, you are beyond measure. ❤
Very simply and beautifully explained
this was a great video n explained so well , thank you
Wow what a sad life to live
Dankeschön Prof. Sam 🌻
I love your YT name 😂 Brilliant 👏
@fiona 😂 thank you 🌹
Banana 🍌😂
Thank you, thank you, thank you💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐
So if I get this straight as long as the narcissist is not mortified there will always be a chance of him trying to hoover if the failed hoovering only caused an injury instead of mortification
Yes.
Thank you
PROF. SAM!!
THANK YOU!! MOST INFORMITIVE!! EYES WIDE OPEN !!!
Can the re-idealization and making a target an enemy upon rejection cycle back around and around after time ? Or once the target is an enemy do they stay an enemy?
Absolutely mind blowing, spot on👏.
I exposed the covert narc after she discarded me, even her sis empathised with me as I had evidence. It would be a narc scar if not mortification. I hope no chance of hoover?
I just got out, never could place him or knew sure what he had besides Asperger ( he had nothing or didn’t know, his mother gave some information but never enough) so many if not all things were to be seen and put in the lists of NPD. I’ve seen and felt it all(I’ve even let him do the OCEAN test) very weird scores he had. I’m a very strong person and personality (it’s very hard work to get mentally out) so different than other relationships. I’ve seen punishment and everything else, they use the same punishment every time, always 2 days of not talking after I said something or not talking and when a friend group came together he acted like nothing was wrong and was even more happy……
This appeared on my algorithm... So UA-cam knows?!
I was hovered today and in my mind since I didn’t respond if in fact that would drive him crazy enough to come bro my house , job ect . Has anyone experienced this when you ignore the Hoover move ?
Do you want them to?
yes this has been driving me crzy too. I don't want gifts delivered or the crzy narc fighting outside my house. I want her to leave me alone.
Once you hear this explanation the pattern snaps into place. It’s such a predictable pattern. Thanks.
they can't lose so will deceve themselves to believe they won and you lost out.
Can music be a strong factor in creating the trauma bond? I literally am right back in the tortured feelings when I hear songs he played
So they play stuff on purpose?
Music plays a role in entraining.
Yes it does.
That's why when u go no contact with a narc, they send u music playlists or old pictures etc
Hey professor. Thanks for your videos. It is a pleasant journey
Oh Yes , i like it long 😂
Well explained
Perfect and clear explanation!🔥🔥🔥🔥
Stunning...
Just exhausting behavior from a narc.
Lol, loved your intro
Very insightful video
If a narcissist re devalues you after a failed hoover what would be a reason they sometimes continue to stalk ?
To hoover again.
That makes sense…during love bombing…he bragged about my love making desires but during the devaluation stage, he used it to shame me…numerous other examples but that’s the main one we always dealt with…
Dear professor Vaknin, does this also apply to people with borderline personality disorder? Do they react the same way?
No.
Thank you professor for your answer. I hope that in one of the next episodes you will explain what the reaction of a person with borderline personality disorder is.
Yet again
No discomfort no consequences for the narcissist
(if I wouldn’t know the true price for these tormented people, I almost wish I could have that type of indifference)
Thank you so much Professor Vaknin. Would you explain this process in the context of a narcissistic parent? Much of this resonates with my experience (being coerced, blackmailed, steered etc to conform to an unrealistic expectation and penalised when I have not) but my experience is with a narcissistic parent. How does said parent experience the adult child who now refuses to engage with them? Is there a re-idealization component?
Same.
Thank you
They rewrite the rules to ensure they’re always the winner? 🤔 I may have NPD then😮
Wow 🙏🏾 Thank you. So glad I’m out of that marriage to a vulnerable narcissist, maybe some npd? She has her 10 cats in her parents basement in Montana
But my Ex narcissistic partner after i lefr him tried 3 times in 3 mounths to hoover me back after I refused him. Lovebombing was big. Is he real narcisstic? At the end I desided to devaluate myself in front of him showing myself not nice and honest by asking from him something which is unapropriate and ruin the picture because of he had chosen me. Can this be usefull? I order to cold him self for me forever? I can not go no contract, becacuse we have some mutual business.
Micro can work as long as the delivery is efficient 😂
Thank you so much Dear Professor ❤.
Do sociopaths and psychopaths also Hoover? Or do they just go away?
They definitely hoover!
Does this process work same in the borderline's psyche?
Only if s/he is also a narcissist or covert borderline.
@@samvaknin Thank you professor. Would you think about doing this on BL perspective?
Will a narcissist Hoover you if they know you have figured them out?
6:30 he keeps chasing me with his fakes
How do you as the survior of narcissist discard get through the cognitive dissonance of the person he was while in the relationship and how he rapidly changed to a cold mean person? I’m still so confused and question whether he was a narcissist or not… he was so kind and loving until 6 months in when he abruptly left me and said he couldn’t be with anyone. He acted as if we had nothing and it was very serious. Why would he allow me to get so close to his family if he was just using me? Sorry so so many questions.
Watch the NA Healing playlist.
Cohersive is right 👌
Question: After they re-devalue you following rejection, will they leave you alone and not seek revenge? Or will they at some point dust off your picture again and try again?
Watch the videos in the shared fantasy playlist and search the channel for “hoover”.
@@samvaknin Mine came back 3 days after I left her, at which point I told her I'm "still processing" the events around the final argument. She replied "It's good if you finish processing - I want to give you time to think". That was 2 weeks ago and silence since then. I'm hoping that she'll just fade away into a new supply, and I can dodge a revenge by appearing to still be available to her..... 🤔
thank you @@samvaknin
what does the narcissist do when you reject their reidealized internal object?
calls the police over a text sent from a year ago. terroristic threats. had the word “die” in it.
Professor Vaknin, is this also valid to a psychopath? She tried to hoover me, one month after, but I feel, it was just to be another man arrested in her web, so she can use me like a tool.
I decided to go no contact, completely and forever. I'm so much bigger than her and her flying monkeys.
No.
If the Hoover didn’t work will
He Hoover again or is it finally over?
Will he hoover me if he said you sold me twice for a cat ( we were long distance and he wanted me to come back to his country and I told him that I can‘t come until my mother takes the cat - he said he got sold cheap for an animal- yes the story of our breakup is sooo crazy and unrealistic but really this is why he discarded me after forcing me to come back and me delaying it ) ? Was this a narcissistic injury or mortification ?
i do i know if I'm a narcissist?
i keep getting the impression that i am and do not want to be, if i am.
i do feel like i have tendencies, but enough to willingly and intentionally being the cause for, or deliberately hurting others.
when i watch these videos though, i do feel so much similarity tho.
extra edit (ADHD addition): thanks for doing these videos, i hope they help many people.
Refused thr hoover went no cintaxt except when i had to take legal action. He remarried i am again no contact but have to take him back to court. So contact will have to resume but only through court. I dont talk to him or send any messages through third parties. However i do check his social media.
I love ur videos
To the "T"!