His halting, unpolished presentation style is perfect for his content. He seems to recommend taking off your mask and being vulnerable so that you can find someone who is patient and grounded enough to learn who you really are. One might say he should have been more prepared, that he should have practiced more, especially since English is his second language. But his flawed talk is such a perfect metaphor for his healthy message! And let's face it: even the most confident and professional among us tend to be less so privately, varying by a wide range of degrees, like anyone else. We all wear masks to some extent. The truth is, few of us are as willing to be as vulnerable in front of a crowd of strangers as this gentleman. In a sense, he's practicing what he preaches.
"If you show them your real self, they will show you their real self. If you open your heart, they will open their heart." Yes, until you meet Mr. Covert Narcissist.
People do show you their real selves when you are your true self. I know Iv learned that many times when someone has “changed” they had truly always just was that way. But my perception of that person was not the truth. It was only what I wanted them to be not who they truly where.
I think he said the one most important thing anyone can ever say on this matter: reveal your true imperfect unexpected self and the one that loves you still, loves you, rest are just greedy for the skin and shine.
Gus Grizzel Agreed. People these days are shallow. And they don't even see it as they are blinded by the media. It is hard to find genuine people but if they come by then we should appreciate them. I like being true to myself and find it hard to be fake or pretend. I have few genuine people in my life and those few are enough:) So try working on yourself and be genuine then you will find the deep thinkers you are looking for :)
You would think that Ted Talks would attract empathetic, educated and loving people , passionate about life and its mysteries and science and a plethora of other subjects. I am therefore surprised to see so many negative comments. How many of you can say you've never felt afraid or embarrassed about giving a talk in front of so many people? Please, be nice , take away the man points and forget to judge unless you have constructive criticisms to make.
I want you damn people to realize how brave this guy is to toughen it out and stay strong in front of many people who came there to be inspired... He probably already made himself feel down and embarrassed so leave him alone! We as outsiders shouldn't judge him, and hell i never would have the guts to present my ideas to the world- i would feel so nervous and a wreck- i would die. Kudos to this guy, he made me think about love and about myself, so thats what matters most. It what the presentation leaves you in the end, what you contemplate with yourself as you leave this vid/presentation.
I love that he chose to give a presentation even with stage fright. That takes a lot of courage and that takes a lot of love for others. Many others would have probably not even considered the idea of giving a talk because of fear
This is probably one of the very few time we actually see the TRUTH. This is who we truly are people..imperfect. I give this man a lot of credit for showing his vulnerability which is EXACTLY what he’s talking about.
Maybe they were deleted, or maybe it's because you use 'sort by popular' in comments, so you see most of good ones, if you try 'sort by date' you might see bad ones too
Omideargosh!!!! why so much hate??? Isn't this his 2nd presentation, and he is trying his best to share his knowledge with us folks and it seems like English isn't even his first language. His message makes a lot of sense to me, we have to be our TRUE selves, be sincere and honest with our relationships and love. Most of the time we fall in love with some people and then later find out they aren't the ones we first fell in love with because they were being fake just to be in love with us. I really enjoyed this message.
+Deanna Radiant probably because he says what every other so-called "love guru" says. And it's complete bullshit. If guys don't "change" women don't want them. If they change this clown comes along and tells them they are not "themselves" - no shit sherlock
+cr4yv3n And if women aren't strikingly beautiful, men don't want them. Most guys are not looking for a relationship. They want sex. Hence the looks matter. I don't believe men fall in love, period. Men get turned on, have lust for a woman. That's it.
+Gus Grizzel You are so way off. That may be your experience but it is not true for us all. I was happily married for 13 wonderful years. We where as perfect a match as you could possibly find. As far as looks, I have seen very many people that are physically attractive at first sight. But, then they open their mouths and they are the most unattractive person in the world.
Real authentic delivery---time and experience can help but courage is probably the biggest part of speaking in front of groups. This man has that courage. :) Bravo.
To me, the last thing he said made the whole talk worth while. "Show your true face, and they will show you theirs" "You open up your heart, and they will open up theirs". As a person learning to deconstruct his own masks and express himself more authentically and with integrity, it makes sense that true love is about two people connecting with their vulnerable selves, and to not just act a certain way to rope a person into a relationship where both stick around out of obligation rather than a desire or love for each other. To be vulnerable and authentic, heart to heart, soul to soul, rather than image to image, or surface to surface. Generally what attracts a person to you, keeps a person attracted to you- so if you're playing a front, you either have to continue pretending (where you'll most likely be miserable for being so disconnected from yourself), or you will have to break it off, because it will take too much energy for both of you to sustain! Now as to HOW to learn how to do that...that would be an entirely different subject, that becomes related to one's personal journey.
Oh come on, I won't be totally free and open with him from the very start. He has to earn my trust. I have to find out whether I feel comfortable enough to completely be myself with him in the first place, and thankfully this is how I will protect myself from getting hurt by a nearly stranger who knew much too much before it turned out that's not it.
+Feras Khagani I went through something like that and have to say that if I'm completely honest deconstructing is the most intense and painful process under the Sun, and it can be maddening However, necessary as it is rewarding! I wish you luck, patience and a lot of love (to surround you and to keep pouring into you and from you- because it so ...so very much helps to have it) to rebuild, to reshape, to become a more spiritually confident fearlessly loving you! Good Luck to you (All) too reading my comment. May you find your twin flame... ! Mariola.
The person that makes you feel the most comfortable & genuine. You have the freedom to explore life and yourself and you know they will still be at your side. Your partner has to be your best friend.
I got impressed by this man ,his authentic speech deliverd all what he asked for, to be yourself to have enough courage to show your flaws and confess your faults as if this is the last time to talk about yourself, so you need to be wholeheartedly honest about who you are ..the biggest life challenge ever foe all of us to be ourselves .
I was still unclear about how to find the right parnter. But I appreciate him offering us something deeper than just sex, money and power. He was very nervious and thats ok, he'll get better!
Correct me if I'm wrong but to me it was that in order for a guy to touch her (I assume sexually), he has to touch her heart, win her emotionally and have her fall for him. But it's the opposite for the other gender. A woman has to touch him physically before he will fall for her. If this is the correct interpretation, I don't really like that quote.
Although it was a rather clumsy presentation, he had some really good things to say. Love his last point about not putting on a show and just keeping it real from the start. And to add to that, I think we should be able to enjoy our own company first before we can be genuinely happy with others. I have to be there for myself and be in my own skin before I can make a good long term partner. Once we are there, relationships aren't so difficult.
It's incredible how hostile & negative so many of the comments on this video are considering how sweet & simple his message actually is. I think there's far more going on than meets the eye to all of this negative feedback. I think it's most likely fueled by lots of people with very poor relationship skills who failed to extract anything of value from his sweet simple message. What I took from it is that a woman should be affectionate to a man in order for him to open up his heart but not necessarily sexual & that a man should try to do likewise before trying to touch her sexually. This doesn't mean absolutely any man & woman are compatible just that by not rushing into sex you can get to know someone & build a solid foundation for life on. Maybe it will last, maybe it won't, either way it will be much sturdier than hormonal attraction.
Gabriel Raiano No one is saying he isn't a sweet/nice person but this is a TED talk and it was structured badly, presented extremely poorly and gave very little insight and was not up to standard.
+Gabriel Raiano I think people want "do this, this, and this, and everything will work" - the magic formula and are disappointed when that doesnt happen. I love his sincerity actually, as well as the content of his speech. People are quick to be very, very mean.
Probably some truth to what you say. I also think some people are just really frustrated because they feel like they really can use some good advice and are disappointed to simply hear the same stuff they have heard over and over again. It is jst frustration most likely rather than true anger or unfair judgments. They just need to realize that even if they got zero help from it there are gonna be other people who feel they learned something new. Actually, i have seen comments like that here. And for us who learned nothing new we are free to seek out more and more advice til we find what we need.
Hello! yes, yes, no yes...Indeed such a sweet talk..a very sweet man, with a lovely message....HOWEVER..NOT sure if people noticed- that it was a TEDx talk....as a rule the TED talks are FAR more meticulously curated; the speakers given extensive training and practice. The TEDxers....Nowhere near. Just a tip- as I know peoples time is SO precious, that the time they devote- they want the best. A helpful tip; as I found myself thinking the same- then I read an interview with the dude who runs TED- and he explained the process etc; behind the choices, why the TED talks are all at 17-18 mins...(another giveaway- the Xrs tend to be shorter too) PS- this fact- re the TEDxrs in NO way takes anything away from them; anyone who does a TED talk- X or not- is amazing...fabulous; my note is a mere mention, that the Xrs do NOT have the prep and support of the big main TED group, team- so we need to perhaps have a more generous ...um...how to say...oh- you get it... :-)
I think he made great points and everytime someone is new it's not 100% smooth. We all have to start somewhere and we all improve with experience. I'm sure by how he rocks! For those frustrated by him, I guess I'd say all you had to do was click stop?...
HI TONY, I THOUGHT YOU WERE SO REAL and so Vulnerable and I thought that your ability to be a Masculine example of open hearted and no mask was so authentic, which in my book, deserves a heartfelt standing ovation. I am an a LMFT for over 23 years, I am tuff to be impressed. and the Heart with the words in in that sums everything up, at its core and , when it is all, said and done, .... Befor you can touch a woman... you MUST ( or are most often, required to touch her heart..... and before you can really touch a man's heart, they need their body touched.... most usually first.... I watched it twice
Simply loved his presentation. He being so authentic and real in this fake world. He personifies his message very clearly. Be Vulnerable and be honest. The other authentic half will simply arrive in your life. Kudos to Tony Verheij!!!!!
Everybody talks about Meeting your "ideal mate" That's the easy part, as most of that is choice and commitment, not happenstance. Its what happens in mid-life that defines how strong your bond is. My observations are these: Whatever you started with that drew you together will likely not sustain you when biology intervenes around your 50's, its not because your bodies are no longer attractive, you've grown tired of each other, there is nothing more to discover about each other or as a person you've changed so much, its because the hormonal glue that binds you begins to dissolve and most people aren't aware of it. I'm of the opinion that there are several elements that "glue" you together (the names and numbers aren't critical, just the concept). 1. Physical, 2. Emotional, 3.Social (religion, shy/outgoing etc) and 4. Intellectual (politics, attitude towards learning and personal growth, liberal vs. conservative etc). If you have a match on just one of those, its probably not going to last very long. I think you can have a pretty good marriage if you have even just two of those if you both try, at least until biology shuts off the affection... If you have all 3 or 4, you can probably go the distance. But, as mentioned, often in the 50's men stop reaching the heart, and women stop reaching the body, so there had better be some strong "glue" with what's left or unhappiness is bound to ensue. I think all the couple's therapies, religion, counseling etc. is misguided unless they address the root biological changes that dim the hormonal ties as we age and what to do when that's gone. The simple fact is, in the main, menopause kills off the desire in women long before men slow down (for perfectly reasonable biological reasons), and the disparity causes conflict due to unmet needs and an ongoing cycle of withdrawal by both men and women as women don't feel cherished, and men stop even wanting to "reach the heart" due to their unmet needs.
@spinnetti I think your idea of meeting on 4 criteria hits the nail on the head. But you may not start out with more than one, but as you live with someone you may start meeting on others. I find when you love someone you try to become interested in what they like or understand their beliefs. Where both (can't be just one) do this genuinely then a couple may grow together instead of apart. This is not to say my comment is a formula it's an observation of one factor that may lead to a good relationship that lasts. You still need to like (not just love), show respect to and have good communication with the other person and I am sure there are other factors.
To be honest, this is the most interesting presentation i've seen. It was so wrong but it seemed to flow so well, that got me thinking that he maybe wanted it to be like this, ending with "if you open your true self, people will love you" and he opened himself and his stage fright and now our emotions have intensified towards him! Brilliant ! Takes regular presentations to a different level.
A perfect example of what to do when you have stage fright, he didn't use filler words too much (ie. um), he just paused and thought about what he was going to say. I don't know about everyone else but even though he "choked" he still got his message across and it wasn't even awkward.
This is a very sweet, short yet for me, ground-breaking. True love is based on love and acceptance of who you are which will only happen if you show your true self. Moreover, true love is based on loving the person because you love them as who they are without subconsciously thinking that you will manipulate them to change in the future,
Thank you Mr. Verheij. I suffer from stage frights but you taught me something other than what you're delivering. You've taught me that being myself is the only confidence that i need. Plus, you nailed it! :)
What I took from this presentation: Even if you are afraid and nervous, you can do it if you just go with it and trust on support from others. And: be honest to find true love.
Although there are different technics, for me works to imagine either I am talking to only one person or that the audience are all of them my relatives and always in the presentations I have a bubble gum in the mouth.
I salute ur courage .I do also have stage fright...it aint easy to stand in front of people and share what u want to share....thank u for sharin ur wisdom about this talk...
No, his formula would be just to not hide anything, to be open and honest and someone else would be open and honest so that you dont fall in love with a false image of someome. And I think he was right when he said: " Before you can touch a woman you need to touch her heart. Before you can touch a man's heart you need to touch him." Now which goes first is the problem.
i get the part about touching women... but i don't get the part about touching men? does that imply to sex? do i need to have sex with a man befor he can love or is enough if i just hold his hand... but then again... if i'm touching him he's touching me to... and he ain't alowed to do that before he touches my heart... so i think it's a looooong proces before anyone gets to touch anything
I LIKED IT! I noticed he was very nervous, and understandably, but I adore his accent and think he has some value to offer if you pay attention and look beyond his nervousness. Hopefully he will have done more speeches by now and is more comfortable on the stage in front of cameras... :) Props, Tony... for your courage to get out there! (Your accent is ADORABLE!!!)
Het beste advies dat ik ooit kreeg was om niet een tekst in te studeren. Vertel je verhaal zoals je dat ook aan je vrienden zou vertellen dat werkt fantastisch.
I don't care about the quality of the presentation but rather what he was trying to say - beauty goes with years but what always remains is the character and values of the person which is something to fall in love with before falling for the looks.
i completely agree... that's why i think it's impossible (if you want this kind of meaningful relationship) to fall in love on the first sight... since on the first sight you only see the physical appearance
People generally get attracted by the looks naturally and then judge the character. If the character matches the looks then voila you have the perfect match but you won't (really) find out the character after being with that person for years and seeing how they are in various situations. Falling in love with the character of someone and realising they are not "your usual type" looks wise could be just as strong I think.
Tony, you did a great job! I wish I could know more of what you had skipped so I could learn more about how to find the topic!It takes courage to stand up on stage and talk.
This was only the guys' second presentation and not in his native language. It had to be difficult for him. Want some good advice about love & life? get into your own life, Find your own passions, then, live them. Think positive, be happy in your own life. The rest will happen as it's supposed to.
He has a point, but it's very simplistic. It's true that a woman's heart must be touched, it's true that a man must be touched - however that's easier said than done. You can't just see a woman that you greatly desire, then try hard to touch her heart , most times you might scare her to death, you have to be her type lots of times. and any woman who really likes a man can touch him , does NOT mean she will keep him because of it. His talk is more a general way to keep a relationship after it has already been around a while
Finally, 1 got one point from presentation, for man be considerate and good to woman so she feels it in her mind and for woman more physical closeness. Bit more complicated to do but worth a try
My goodness. He has just applied some kind of technique on me, and many of us. I've never watched twice on the sequence any of the talks I have loved the most. Many times I have thought I loved a talk, but 5 minutes later it was not worth to share or comment anymore (yes, ok, it is my fault, I am volatile). But by getting confused with his seconds of silent being at Ted's channel... it made me wonder what's was going on. English is not my first language neither so I was being tolerant, since maybe it was my fault not be getting everything. Then I got to read some comments and I saw the variate of opinion, and then I was watching it again.... and... it was really another talk by the second time I watched... it was all there, all clear, and better, all unforgettably unforgettable! I really believe it was planned, in a great way. He used a lot of visual sources which spoke for themselves. He did exactly what he wanted: to show vulnerability and prove us how much we love the made and not the original, the prepared and not the real sometimes.... but that we should be ready to see love and life in the different areas with a more comprehensive eyes and less judgmental criticism. Even because there is no such talk which would teach you "how to find the 'right' person".' It was brilliant!
i have doubts that it was a real guy's plan, but i want to believe(c). i really admire your way of looking on the world, this is so rare, rich and beautiful! please keep it!
One thing is for sure when it comes to whom I would be willing to try marriage with again. He is not going to be someone who likes to look for arguments while often taking offense by misconstruing what I way to him so he can demonstrate how much smarter and stronger he is than me.
This approach seems totally fantastic and a lifesaver on first glance, it seems to math up to all the advice people have given me, but my own experiences tell me that this is not how the world works at all.
it is so basic and we are all born with it ♥ but somewhere down the road we lose it...time to find it again and let it into our hearts and souls..honesty sincerity and love .but at first learn to embrace these things towards ourselves.
Thank you Tony for sharing wonderful insight! Your message is so simple and no-brainer but we do get along with our daily lives not aware of that powerful message. Thank you for reminding me and presenting me in a clear and concise manner. I really appreciate it!
De inhoud lijkt een open deur maar hoeveel mensen durven zich inderdaad werkelijk te laten zien aan hun toekomstige partner? Een goed verhaal Tony met daarin de gouden formule voor het vinden van de juiste partner. Mijn liefde en ik hebben een uitgesproken "contract" waarin we hebben afgesproken: open, eerlijk en oprecht en juist dat maakt het echt en waardevol..... Ik weet niet of er een trouwerij komt maar hier voor jou wel de bevestiging dat je formule ook al voor ons werkte :-) Hartelijke groet, Greta
This reflex very much of myself especially my personality and my presentation that I recall. And I'll tell you now that the thing is I, or we, may not do very well to memorise the whole thing and perform on that basis, but I do much better in expressing myself though, indeed, I'm nervous as much whether if I'd be able to communicate or not. Anyway I agreed on this short and remarkable speech. I now sending my love. God bless.
His "presentation" has proved the point: Love not only blinds at first sight, but in course of 10 happy years it makes a man over-confident fool who believes in his worthiness as a speaker.
i applouded him for taking the chance and go publicly speaking even though he's aware that he can't do it... it takes real fuckin courage to do that so we should support that kind of action... otherwise everything he said was completely uneducated, dumb and pointless... but at least he's got balls!! and self-confidence!!!!
Thank you so much for even getting on that stage and sharing what you've shared! It was very informative and inspiring. I very much welcome you to finish that speech again any day as it was good stuff and also you were a delight! :)
In my view it absolutely imperative that the two are firm friends if anything is going to come of their relations. I had an engagement where We were not friends and at the end I walked away from it feeling like I never really knew him and yet my current partner was my best friend and after 7 years (today) we are still best friends but everything else is there too. We are the best kind of team there is.
In my opinion,finding the right partner is the easy part,being the right partner is a daily battle with a few disadvantages but an awful lot of benefits as the years add up.
He was really nervous- I understand that. And I kinda feel bad for him, all the comments... could be a bit more constructive guys. Mr Tony Verheij- I would like to hear you do the same presentation. Just a little less nervous :)
i get he did not give the ultimate speech but why act so quickly on criticizing than taking some good out of it. No one cares what is better, you critics dont know crap either. He sent out a very good message i think. Just gotta listen closer and really give it some deep thought.
Much respect for going out from the comfort zone and challenge yourself with speaking up to the auditorium even being afraid of that! That is courages and amazing. Thank you! :)
He was sincere and genuine I don’t think American men know how to be like this.. it could be a European thing... I opened my heart to someone I fell in love with too quickly I couldn’t contain my emotions and it scared me because I have never been like that But he ran away afraid of his emotions so I guess on the end it wasn’t meant to be. Being a Sagittarius I am emotional but at my age I’ve learned to tamper it but not in this situation which ended in heart break 💜😔
So basically: 1) physical (neanderthal) attractiveness dies out over time. 2) we need to have mental attractiveness to the person 3) a man needs to teach a woman's heart before he can touch her and a woman needs to touch a man before she can touch his heart. Well this seems stupid, but it's actually quite accurate. I mean, you don't need to sleep with him at day one (DON'T), but I've found that the girls that got me in love with them had been flirting with me beforehand. They'd look into my eyes and eventually start touching my arms, or bumping into me on purpose. What he says is true. I just failed to touch their heart. I'll try it.
I like this presentation but I wish Ted Talks had more time, I wanted to hear more from him and I understand the point is short and simple but they could’ve given him a few more minutes so he didn’t feel rushed
He has a gd sense of humour xD. .i hope ppl would stop criticising him ! am sure its not easy to do ur second presentation this big with short amount of time. .he had somthing usefull to say and he tried ..so try to appreciate his effort and be understanding
His halting, unpolished presentation style is perfect for his content. He seems to recommend taking off your mask and being vulnerable so that you can find someone who is patient and grounded enough to learn who you really are. One might say he should have been more prepared, that he should have practiced more, especially since English is his second language. But his flawed talk is such a perfect metaphor for his healthy message! And let's face it: even the most confident and professional among us tend to be less so privately, varying by a wide range of degrees, like anyone else. We all wear masks to some extent. The truth is, few of us are as willing to be as vulnerable in front of a crowd of strangers as this gentleman. In a sense, he's practicing what he preaches.
He is an example of being hinself, being vulnerable, and just saying what's on his mind
Exactly!
Wow. Amazingly beautiful observation
Love your sharing!
eslgurucalif on) Kim koi
Wow, how people are supporting this person in comments section.
This proves we still have good people around us.
Much appreciated!
because this is not twitter or Tik Tok
agreed Ahmed
"If you show them your real self, they will show you their real self. If you open your heart, they will open their heart." Yes, until you meet Mr. Covert Narcissist.
lol
100% true
Or Mrs. Suddenly Unhappy For No Legitimate Reason.
People do show you their real selves when you are your true self. I know Iv learned that many times when someone has “changed” they had truly always just was that way. But my perception of that person was not the truth. It was only what I wanted them to be not who they truly where.
Tbf, Mr. Covert Narcissist needs love too.
I think he said the one most important thing anyone can ever say on this matter: reveal your true imperfect unexpected self and the one that loves you still, loves you, rest are just greedy for the skin and shine.
+Mainak Bag amen
+Mainak Bag People dont want the real you. They will reject you. They want the media version of you.
+Gus Grizzel Well those people are not worth keeping. We should simply move on. There are people who are not shallow or blinded by the media.:)
***** Very hard to meet people and very hard to meet deep thinkers.
Gus Grizzel Agreed. People these days are shallow. And they don't even see it as they are blinded by the media. It is hard to find genuine people but if they come by then we should appreciate them. I like being true to myself and find it hard to be fake or pretend. I have few genuine people in my life and those few are enough:) So try working on yourself and be genuine then you will find the deep thinkers you are looking for :)
You would think that Ted Talks would attract empathetic, educated and loving people , passionate about life and its mysteries and science and a plethora of other subjects. I am therefore surprised to see so many negative comments. How many of you can say you've never felt afraid or embarrassed about giving a talk in front of so many people? Please, be nice , take away the man points and forget to judge unless you have constructive criticisms to make.
+Marie Bai thank you! I agree!
+Marie Bai
It's like a war.
Who will win?
The devils of UA-cam (i.e. pseudo-4chan) or the angels coming for the TED talks?
Ready? Fight!
I didn't see that many negative comments considering the delivery and content.
U r very smart and I love ur words!
+Lizeyka Toan and i love you i fall in love at the first sight of your profile picture.
I want you damn people to realize how brave this guy is to toughen it out and stay strong in front of many people who came there to be inspired... He probably already made himself feel down and embarrassed so leave him alone! We as outsiders shouldn't judge him, and hell i never would have the guts to present my ideas to the world- i would feel so nervous and a wreck- i would die. Kudos to this guy, he made me think about love and about myself, so thats what matters most. It what the presentation leaves you in the end, what you contemplate with yourself as you leave this vid/presentation.
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I love that he chose to give a presentation even with stage fright. That takes a lot of courage and that takes a lot of love for others. Many others would have probably not even considered the idea of giving a talk because of fear
This is probably one of the very few time we actually see the TRUTH. This is who we truly are people..imperfect. I give this man a lot of credit for showing his vulnerability which is EXACTLY what he’s talking about.
I literally see no mean comments, just comments talking about mean comments. It's become spam at this point lmao
Lool Kinda makes you wonder if there ever was any mean comments......
Pretty sure its aimed at the 4.8k dislikes compared to 11k likes
Same, but since comments can be deleted ...
Maybe they were deleted, or maybe it's because you use 'sort by popular' in comments, so you see most of good ones, if you try 'sort by date' you might see bad ones too
i really liked him!! He was funny, vulnerable, and genuine
Why don’t ya marry him, sheesh.
Same, he sounds soooo kind.
I love how authentic he is, the pauses, the emphasis of words. Thank you Sir.
I love you crestal jean ❤️❤️❤️
Omideargosh!!!! why so much hate??? Isn't this his 2nd presentation, and he is trying his best to share his knowledge with us folks and it seems like English isn't even his first language. His message makes a lot of sense to me, we have to be our TRUE selves, be sincere and honest with our relationships and love. Most of the time we fall in love with some people and then later find out they aren't the ones we first fell in love with because they were being fake just to be in love with us. I really enjoyed this message.
Deanna Radiant One size doesn't fit all you know. A relationship isn't for everyone.
+Deanna Radiant probably because he says what every other so-called "love guru" says.
And it's complete bullshit.
If guys don't "change" women don't want them.
If they change this clown comes along and tells them they are not "themselves" - no shit sherlock
+cr4yv3n And if women aren't strikingly beautiful, men don't want them. Most guys are not looking for a relationship. They want sex. Hence the looks matter. I don't believe men fall in love, period. Men get turned on, have lust for a woman. That's it.
+Gus Grizzel You are so way off. That may be your experience but it is not true for us all. I was happily married for 13 wonderful years. We where as perfect a match as you could possibly find. As far as looks, I have seen very many people that are physically attractive at first sight. But, then they open their mouths and they are the most unattractive person in the world.
robert moore So what happened to the marriage if it was so wonderful? I ca'n say "You're wrong" back. It's your opinion, not fact.
Real authentic delivery---time and experience can help but courage is probably the biggest part of speaking in front of groups. This man has that courage. :) Bravo.
Hello Elyse..
This authenticity was manufactured to make the content to stand out
To me, the last thing he said made the whole talk worth while. "Show your true face, and they will show you theirs" "You open up your heart, and they will open up theirs".
As a person learning to deconstruct his own masks and express himself more authentically and with integrity, it makes sense that true love is about two people connecting with their vulnerable selves, and to not just act a certain way to rope a person into a relationship where both stick around out of obligation rather than a desire or love for each other. To be vulnerable and authentic, heart to heart, soul to soul, rather than image to image, or surface to surface. Generally what attracts a person to you, keeps a person attracted to you- so if you're playing a front, you either have to continue pretending (where you'll most likely be miserable for being so disconnected from yourself), or you will have to break it off, because it will take too much energy for both of you to sustain!
Now as to HOW to learn how to do that...that would be an entirely different subject, that becomes related to one's personal journey.
I couldn't agree more👍
+Asier naiz Interesting...
*STANDING OVATION* so we'll said!
Oh come on, I won't be totally free and open with him from the very start. He has to earn my trust. I have to find out whether I feel comfortable enough to completely be myself with him in the first place, and thankfully this is how I will protect myself from getting hurt by a nearly stranger who knew much too much before it turned out that's not it.
+Feras Khagani I went through something like that and have to say that if I'm completely honest deconstructing is the most intense and painful process under the Sun, and it can be maddening However, necessary as it is rewarding! I wish you luck, patience and a lot of love (to surround you and to keep pouring into you and from you- because it so ...so very much helps to have it) to rebuild, to reshape, to become a more spiritually confident fearlessly loving you! Good Luck to you (All) too reading my comment. May you find your twin flame... ! Mariola.
The person that makes you feel the most comfortable & genuine. You have the freedom to explore life and yourself and you know they will still be at your side. Your partner has to be your best friend.
i like this guy and his sense of humor.. sorry guys but i liked it..
+prateek Bhardwaj
Apology accepted!
No need to be sorry, I liked him too :)
the sincerity of his words was heartwarming. I loved it
I got impressed by this man ,his authentic speech deliverd all what he asked for, to be yourself to have enough courage to show your flaws and confess your faults as if this is the last time to talk about yourself, so you need to be wholeheartedly honest about who you are ..the biggest life challenge ever foe all of us to be ourselves .
its really hard to speak in front of people especially is English isn't your first language props
I was still unclear about how to find the right parnter. But I appreciate him offering us something deeper than just sex, money and power. He was very nervious and thats ok, he'll get better!
Negative voters judge the presentation. Positive voters judge the message.
+Piotr Kaczmarski ...And the message was strongly stereotyped, corny and simplistic.
+Fernweh Yeah, well, you know, that's just, like, your opinion, man...
Let me tell you something, pendejo... You have a nice day, sir!
+Fernweh ;)
Moral of the story: always be yourself and your partner fall in love with that true self
His bit, that a man must touch her heart before he touches her and that a woman must touch him before she touches his heart - I liked that.
Yes. It's very true indeed.
What does he mean by that reference?
I wanna know too
this is the only new thing I learned from this whole presentation
Correct me if I'm wrong but to me it was that in order for a guy to touch her (I assume sexually), he has to touch her heart, win her emotionally and have her fall for him. But it's the opposite for the other gender. A woman has to touch him physically before he will fall for her. If this is the correct interpretation, I don't really like that quote.
It's so good to see that the man is sincere and he still has good sense of humour while being so nervous :)
Although it was a rather clumsy presentation, he had some really good things to say. Love his last point about not putting on a show and just keeping it real from the start. And to add to that, I think we should be able to enjoy our own company first before we can be genuinely happy with others. I have to be there for myself and be in my own skin before I can make a good long term partner. Once we are there, relationships aren't so difficult.
It's incredible how hostile & negative so many of the comments on this video are considering how sweet & simple his message actually is.
I think there's far more going on than meets the eye to all of this negative feedback. I think it's most likely fueled by lots of people with very poor relationship skills who failed to extract anything of value from his sweet simple message.
What I took from it is that a woman should be affectionate to a man in order for him to open up his heart but not necessarily sexual & that a man should try to do likewise before trying to touch her sexually. This doesn't mean absolutely any man & woman are compatible just that by not rushing into sex you can get to know someone & build a solid foundation for life on. Maybe it will last, maybe it won't, either way it will be much sturdier than hormonal attraction.
Gabriel Raiano No one is saying he isn't a sweet/nice person but this is a TED talk and it was structured badly, presented extremely poorly and gave very little insight and was not up to standard.
+Gabriel Raiano I think people want "do this, this, and this, and everything will work" - the magic formula and are disappointed when that doesnt happen. I love his sincerity actually, as well as the content of his speech. People are quick to be very, very mean.
Probably some truth to what you say. I also think some people are just really frustrated because they feel like they really can use some good advice and are disappointed to simply hear the same stuff they have heard over and over again. It is jst frustration most likely rather than true anger or unfair judgments. They just need to realize that even if they got zero help from it there are gonna be other people who feel they learned something new. Actually, i have seen comments like that here. And for us who learned nothing new we are free to seek out more and more advice til we find what we need.
Hello! yes, yes, no yes...Indeed such a sweet talk..a very sweet man, with a lovely message....HOWEVER..NOT sure if people noticed- that it was a TEDx talk....as a rule the TED talks are FAR more meticulously curated; the speakers given extensive training and practice. The TEDxers....Nowhere near.
Just a tip- as I know peoples time is SO precious, that the time they devote- they want the best. A helpful tip; as I found myself thinking the same- then I read an interview with the dude who runs TED- and he explained the process etc; behind the choices, why the TED talks are all at 17-18 mins...(another giveaway- the Xrs tend to be shorter too)
PS- this fact- re the TEDxrs in NO way takes anything away from them; anyone who does a TED talk- X or not- is amazing...fabulous; my note is a mere mention, that the Xrs do NOT have the prep and support of the big main TED group, team- so we need to perhaps have a more generous ...um...how to say...oh- you get it... :-)
Wow, you contextualized his speech very well and pinpointed some very insightful message there. Really appreciate your comment, thank you!!
I think he made great points and everytime someone is new it's not 100% smooth. We all have to start somewhere and we all improve with experience. I'm sure by how he rocks! For those frustrated by him, I guess I'd say all you had to do was click stop?...
HI TONY, I THOUGHT YOU WERE SO REAL and so Vulnerable and I thought that your ability to be a Masculine example of open hearted and no mask was so authentic, which in my book, deserves a heartfelt standing ovation. I am an a LMFT for over 23 years, I am tuff to be impressed. and the Heart with the words in in that sums everything up, at its core and , when it is all, said and done, ....
Befor you can touch a woman... you MUST ( or are most often, required to touch her heart..... and before you can really touch a man's heart, they need their body touched.... most usually first....
I watched it twice
Simply loved his presentation. He being so authentic and real in this fake world. He personifies his message very clearly. Be Vulnerable and be honest. The other authentic half will simply arrive in your life. Kudos to Tony Verheij!!!!!
Everybody talks about Meeting your "ideal mate" That's the easy part, as most of that is choice and commitment, not happenstance. Its what happens in mid-life that defines how strong your bond is. My observations are these: Whatever you started with that drew you together will likely not sustain you when biology intervenes around your 50's, its not because your bodies are no longer attractive, you've grown tired of each other, there is nothing more to discover about each other or as a person you've changed so much, its because the hormonal glue that binds you begins to dissolve and most people aren't aware of it. I'm of the opinion that there are several elements that "glue" you together (the names and numbers aren't critical, just the concept). 1. Physical, 2. Emotional, 3.Social (religion, shy/outgoing etc) and 4. Intellectual (politics, attitude towards learning and personal growth, liberal vs. conservative etc). If you have a match on just one of those, its probably not going to last very long. I think you can have a pretty good marriage if you have even just two of those if you both try, at least until biology shuts off the affection... If you have all 3 or 4, you can probably go the distance. But, as mentioned, often in the 50's men stop reaching the heart, and women stop reaching the body, so there had better be some strong "glue" with what's left or unhappiness is bound to ensue. I think all the couple's therapies, religion, counseling etc. is misguided unless they address the root biological changes that dim the hormonal ties as we age and what to do when that's gone. The simple fact is, in the main, menopause kills off the desire in women long before men slow down (for perfectly reasonable biological reasons), and the disparity causes conflict due to unmet needs and an ongoing cycle of withdrawal by both men and women as women don't feel cherished, and men stop even wanting to "reach the heart" due to their unmet needs.
Very insightful..
spinnetti I think you should give a TEDx talk:)
@spinnetti I think your idea of meeting on 4 criteria hits the nail on the head. But you may not start out with more than one, but as you live with someone you may start meeting on others. I find when you love someone you try to become interested in what they like or understand their beliefs. Where both (can't be just one) do this genuinely then a couple may grow together instead of apart.
This is not to say my comment is a formula it's an observation of one factor that may lead to a good relationship that lasts. You still need to like (not just love), show respect to and have good communication with the other person and I am sure there are other factors.
To be honest, this is the most interesting presentation i've seen. It was so wrong but it seemed to flow so well, that got me thinking that he maybe wanted it to be like this, ending with "if you open your true self, people will love you" and he opened himself and his stage fright and now our emotions have intensified towards him! Brilliant ! Takes regular presentations to a different level.
Watching today, i need to hear this. Very natural and sincere.
Well done Tony, that must've been a daunting task to condense your talk into 4 minutes in front of a full audience but you did really well.
A perfect example of what to do when you have stage fright, he didn't use filler words too much (ie. um), he just paused and thought about what he was going to say. I don't know about everyone else but even though he "choked" he still got his message across and it wasn't even awkward.
This is a very sweet, short yet for me, ground-breaking. True love is based on love and acceptance of who you are which will only happen if you show your true self.
Moreover, true love is based on loving the person because you love them as who they are without subconsciously thinking that you will manipulate them to change in the future,
He is simple and spontaneous and honest , I felt his words and I have received his message
Thank you Mr. Verheij. I suffer from stage frights but you taught me something other than what you're delivering. You've taught me that being myself is the only confidence that i need. Plus, you nailed it! :)
I admire this guy for sharing his thoughts despite he might not be very comfortable with it. Great topic. Great talk 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
What a sweet, brave, authentic and genuine soul. His wife is very lucky
lovely TEDx Talk, Tony is a real person with real fears, I respect his courage to attempt to speak publicly even if he is nervous.
What I took from this presentation: Even if you are afraid and nervous, you can do it if you just go with it and trust on support from others. And: be honest to find true love.
I wish I was brave enough to talk in public :)
it's a skill you have to practice like anything else. public speaking is the most common phobia but it can be overcome.
Although there are different technics, for me works to imagine either I am talking to only one person or that the audience are all of them my relatives and always in the presentations I have a bubble gum in the mouth.
It depends on how badly you want to say something.
I salute ur courage .I do also have stage fright...it aint easy to stand in front of people and share what u want to share....thank u for sharin ur wisdom about this talk...
I think he tried his best so thank you for the presentation!
No, his formula would be just to not hide anything, to be open and honest and someone else would be open and honest so that you dont fall in love with a false image of someome. And I think he was right when he said:
" Before you can touch a woman you need to touch her heart.
Before you can touch a man's heart you need to touch him."
Now which goes first is the problem.
i get the part about touching women... but i don't get the part about touching men? does that imply to sex? do i need to have sex with a man befor he can love or is enough if i just hold his hand... but then again... if i'm touching him he's touching me to... and he ain't alowed to do that before he touches my heart... so i think it's a looooong proces before anyone gets to touch anything
I know a lot of people are hating on this presentation, and rightfully so... this is why I shy away from TEDx Talks and stick to the TED main stage.
I give him a lot of credit for going out of his comfort zone by public speaking. Good job!
I LIKED IT! I noticed he was very nervous, and understandably, but I adore his accent and think he has some value to offer if you pay attention and look beyond his nervousness. Hopefully he will have done more speeches by now and is more comfortable on the stage in front of cameras... :) Props, Tony... for your courage to get out there! (Your accent is ADORABLE!!!)
Het beste advies dat ik ooit kreeg was om niet een tekst in te studeren. Vertel je verhaal zoals je dat ook aan je vrienden zou vertellen dat werkt fantastisch.
I don't care about the quality of the presentation but rather what he was trying to say - beauty goes with years but what always remains is the character and values of the person which is something to fall in love with before falling for the looks.
i completely agree... that's why i think it's impossible (if you want this kind of meaningful relationship) to fall in love on the first sight... since on the first sight you only see the physical appearance
People generally get attracted by the looks naturally and then judge the character. If the character matches the looks then voila you have the perfect match but you won't (really) find out the character after being with that person for years and seeing how they are in various situations.
Falling in love with the character of someone and realising they are not "your usual type" looks wise could be just as strong I think.
Tony, you did a great job! I wish I could know more of what you had skipped so I could learn more about how to find the topic!It takes courage to stand up on stage and talk.
This was only the guys' second presentation and not in his native language. It had to be difficult for him. Want some good advice about love & life? get into your own life, Find your own passions, then, live them. Think positive, be happy in your own life. The rest will happen as it's supposed to.
Indeed :)
Wow, Brenda! You single?
Why soo many dislikes? This is better than most of the other 30 or 40 TEDx talks I've seen..
"You don't need multiple possibilities, you just need the RIGHT one"!
He has a point, but it's very simplistic.
It's true that a woman's heart must be touched, it's true that a man must be touched - however that's easier said than done.
You can't just see a woman that you greatly desire, then try hard to touch her heart , most times you might scare her to death, you have to be her type lots of times.
and any woman who really likes a man can touch him , does NOT mean she will keep him because of it. His talk is more a general way to keep a relationship after it has already been around a while
I love it, presentation skills will get better with practice but the message was well received. Thank you Tony Verheil
Finally, 1 got one point from presentation, for man be considerate and good to woman so she feels it in her mind and for woman more physical closeness. Bit more complicated to do but worth a try
My goodness. He has just applied some kind of technique on me, and many of us. I've never watched twice on the sequence any of the talks I have loved the most. Many times I have thought I loved a talk, but 5 minutes later it was not worth to share or comment anymore (yes, ok, it is my fault, I am volatile). But by getting confused with his seconds of silent being at Ted's channel... it made me wonder what's was going on. English is not my first language neither so I was being tolerant, since maybe it was my fault not be getting everything. Then I got to read some comments and I saw the variate of opinion, and then I was watching it again.... and... it was really another talk by the second time I watched... it was all there, all clear, and better, all unforgettably unforgettable!
I really believe it was planned, in a great way. He used a lot of visual sources which spoke for themselves. He did exactly what he wanted: to show vulnerability and prove us how much we love the made and not the original, the prepared and not the real sometimes.... but that we should be ready to see love and life in the different areas with a more comprehensive eyes and less judgmental criticism. Even because there is no such talk which would teach you "how to find the 'right' person".' It was brilliant!
i have doubts that it was a real guy's plan, but i want to believe(c). i really admire your way of looking on the world, this is so rare, rich and beautiful! please keep it!
Маша Куликова thanks a lot for your comment!
Excellent speech! He did very well for his second speech ever.
awww. his nervousness is so adorable. beautiful message though
I so admire this guy! You did well and you were so brave to get up there to say all the wise things you said! ❤️
This was so cute I loved this presentation
You're pretty cute yourself, I might add
chocolatemilk haha thanks :)
Anele Malinga you're welcome 😉
Wishing Tony Verheij well and hope he comes back and does the presentation again.
One thing is for sure when it comes to whom I would be willing to try marriage with again. He is not going to be someone who likes to look for arguments while often taking offense by misconstruing what I way to him so he can demonstrate how much smarter and stronger he is than me.
many people just aren't relationship material. WE have to accept this and do the best we can.
This approach seems totally fantastic and a lifesaver on first glance, it seems to math up to all the advice people have given me, but my own experiences tell me that this is not how the world works at all.
Love from Kerala, INDIA 🇮🇳♥️
ഹലോ👋
the only pint i love most from this video is be true to yourself & your partner that will open up both of your hearts.
it is so basic and we are all born with it ♥ but somewhere down the road we lose it...time to find it again and let it into our hearts and souls..honesty sincerity and love .but at first learn to embrace these things towards ourselves.
Thank you Tony for sharing wonderful insight! Your message is so simple and no-brainer but we do get along with our daily lives not aware of that powerful message. Thank you for reminding me and presenting me in a clear and concise manner. I really appreciate it!
"Before you can touch a mans heart, you need to touch him" What the actual fuck? Is this guy serious?
Hahahaha i laughed at this ...i know right!!
De inhoud lijkt een open deur maar hoeveel mensen durven zich inderdaad werkelijk te laten zien aan hun toekomstige partner? Een goed verhaal Tony met daarin de gouden formule voor het vinden van de juiste partner. Mijn liefde en ik hebben een uitgesproken "contract" waarin we hebben afgesproken: open, eerlijk en oprecht en juist dat maakt het echt en waardevol..... Ik weet niet of er een trouwerij komt maar hier voor jou wel de bevestiging dat je formule ook al voor ons werkte :-) Hartelijke groet, Greta
“Show your true face they will show you their true face” 👍👏👏👏
its so cool that he delivers a presentation in a langugae that is not even his native language in front of such a crowd! :)
This reflex very much of myself especially my personality and my presentation that I recall. And I'll tell you now that the thing is I, or we, may not do very well to memorise the whole thing and perform on that basis, but I do much better in expressing myself though, indeed, I'm nervous as much whether if I'd be able to communicate or not. Anyway I agreed on this short and remarkable speech. I now sending my love. God bless.
Wow. So simple and yet so deep and meaningful. 😍
It cant be easy standing up there .... keep at it buddy
Tony I loved your presentation, I wish you had more time so I would learn more. Thank you, keep the good work!!
Verheij is a Dutch name. He is our Dutch Pride....! Tony's performance is very good! Hugs from Holland!
For a guy who only dis that for his second time fair play brave. courageous. A lot of mistakes but he did it in the end👏👏👏
In case anyone didn’t catch his body language. The reason for his bizarre presentation is because he wasn’t wearing a mask. Congrats Tony!
His "presentation" has proved the point:
Love not only blinds at first sight, but in course of 10 happy years it makes a man over-confident fool who believes in his worthiness as a speaker.
i applouded him for taking the chance and go publicly speaking even though he's aware that he can't do it... it takes real fuckin courage to do that so we should support that kind of action... otherwise everything he said was completely uneducated, dumb and pointless... but at least he's got balls!! and self-confidence!!!!
I am greeting you in this courage that you have to stand in front of million audiences and do your presentation , keep going I trust you .
He believes in love at first sight. That's refreshing.
Thank you so much for even getting on that stage and sharing what you've shared!
It was very informative and inspiring. I very much welcome you to finish that speech again any day as it was good stuff and also you were a delight! :)
In my view it absolutely imperative that the two are firm friends if anything is going to come of their relations. I had an engagement where We were not friends and at the end I walked away from it feeling like I never really knew him and yet my current partner was my best friend and after 7 years (today) we are still best friends but everything else is there too. We are the best kind of team there is.
In my opinion,finding the right partner is the easy part,being the right partner is a daily battle with a few disadvantages but an awful lot of benefits as the years add up.
Am looking forward for the man of my dream, who is loving, caring and focus.
He was really nervous- I understand that. And I kinda feel bad for him, all the comments... could be a bit more constructive guys.
Mr Tony Verheij- I would like to hear you do the same presentation. Just a little less nervous :)
Geez, I know right? People act as if they have never been nervous before.
he seems totally broken hearted
i get he did not give the ultimate speech but why act so quickly on criticizing than taking some good out of it. No one cares what is better, you critics dont know crap either. He sent out a very good message i think. Just gotta listen closer and really give it some deep thought.
+Genielou “genie” Brogan so that theyd feel better about themselves
Bless his heart! It will get easier for him.
Hello Choppers..
Much respect for going out from the comfort zone and challenge yourself with speaking up to the auditorium even being afraid of that! That is courages and amazing. Thank you! :)
He was sincere and genuine I don’t think American men know how to be like this.. it could be a European thing... I opened my heart to someone I fell in love with too quickly I couldn’t contain my emotions and it scared me because I have never been like that But he ran away afraid of his emotions so I guess on the end it wasn’t meant to be. Being a Sagittarius I am emotional but at my age I’ve learned to tamper it but not in this situation which ended in heart break 💜😔
Hello Lana..
It is inspiring, and I lern a little that will make a big change in my life, thank you! For your first time, that was great!
I liked it, I wish he talked more. I hope he does a part two lol
🙌🏾💯
So basically:
1) physical (neanderthal) attractiveness dies out over time.
2) we need to have mental attractiveness to the person
3) a man needs to teach a woman's heart before he can touch her and a woman needs to touch a man before she can touch his heart.
Well this seems stupid, but it's actually quite accurate. I mean, you don't need to sleep with him at day one (DON'T), but I've found that the girls that got me in love with them had been flirting with me beforehand. They'd look into my eyes and eventually start touching my arms, or bumping into me on purpose. What he says is true. I just failed to touch their heart. I'll try it.
I love this guy! So authentic.
I like this presentation but I wish Ted Talks had more time, I wanted to hear more from him and I understand the point is short and simple but they could’ve given him a few more minutes so he didn’t feel rushed
He has a gd sense of humour xD. .i hope ppl would stop criticising him ! am sure its not easy to do ur second presentation this big with short amount of time. .he had somthing usefull to say and he tried ..so try to appreciate his effort and be understanding
your very brave.. important msg definately!! Look for someone who loves your flaws & vice versa...true love only grows stronger & stronger ♡