Why No Contact Works on Dismissive Avoidants
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- Опубліковано 5 вер 2024
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I went no contact after low effort and bread crumbing. I was prepared to walk away forever, I’ve never felt like this about anyone so it was difficult to do. He messaged me after 3 weeks and we slowly got back into a relationship. It’s the best thing I did now he knows I’m not messing. If you don’t treat me right I’ll leave. Now he makes loads of effort and there’s lots of communication. Things are the best they’ve ever been.
Are they still going good?
Wow. U did something right!
Still going well. I’ve learnt not to take his behaviour personally. He seems genuinely hopeless with time keeping and planning and I thought it was excuses. I’ve accepted his flaws and we’re doing great atm.
glad to hear a success story, unfortunately I think mine left me for someone else and i’ve heard that dismissive avoidants often put a lot of effort into rebounds to make them last. to avoid the feelings of the previous relationship and instantly replace everything shared to make it easier.
basically getting over you while you’re still in the relationship and not telling you what’s going on.
she’s 26 and this might be the one that lasts forever
she was my best friend and partner for 5 years and even through long distance we were ok, we did so great spending time together, but my anxious tendencies pushed her away towards the end.
@@h7pubgoften time rebound don’t always work out as this is cycle for Dismissive avoidant . They need to work on themselves first
In my experience, no contact only works sometimes. You need to realize why do you want someone who doesn’t want you. Plenty of other people out there
What's the point to be with someone when you see him once in a two months and there is no contact in between?
Exactly, my ex only saw me once a month until she broke up by blocking me.
I though I was the only one with this issue
@@Lolipop8686 Everyone dating a DA has this huge problem.
@@ZhengSW but what’s the point of that? I mean what is their “rational” behind this? I am learning about AT and I don’t understand this about Daa’s. My ex Da said he wanted a relationship and we were official, but he didn’t want to see each other regularly. How can you have a relationship when you don’t see each other a decent amount of time? Is completely non sense 😫
@@Lolipop8686 They can very easily suppress and shut away all their feelings for you once they are tired of conflict. They have this uncanny ability because they had to cope with it due to emotional unavailability with their parents. They do this to protect themselves.
Very true I validate this so much.💚 I am half dismissive avoidant, and half healthy. I healed a lot over 20 years of growth and reflection. I tell people I need space for a few days. It can feel like smothering rather than love to lean in too much. However I am in a very healthy relationship... with an anxious. He gives me space and I give him connection and positive touch. I feel safe to be me, I am given autonomy, a treasure for an avoidant and he is safe being him, needs and all. We even live together,... but I joke saying I love him around half the time. 12 hours a day,.. then I need to tune into me. he learned to stop freaking out when I softly take space. We are loyal and transparent and self accountable for ur moods. We can both get grumpy... But with me I pull away, he wants to cling. Neither partner, nor attachment style is wrong. it is how we learned to cope.
Thanks this is helpful. How did you and partner get to that point. I'm the anxious one and wife is avoidemt. There's a struggle and don't know how to balance it. How do we get to that neutral space.
@@Steve-jm6yv I just saw this . First learn about her attachment style and then yours. There are a few videos I sent to my partner so he could understand... what avoidants need. And I could understand that anxious... does not mean needy. Both of us needed to speak the others language. I started studying this for the past three years.... I like Heidi for avoidant teaching. ua-cam.com/video/-iagiLIDrOo/v-deo.html
Na na, dear people jus run from DA
When I got back with my avoidant ex I remember I never said anything about the relationship. After a few weeks of no contact, I asked her if I could sleep in her house (she wasn`t living there at the time), she was in another country for more than a year due to covid, I asked her so I wouldn't have to pay for a hotel and also it was an excuse to break no contact. By coincidence she was coming back lol. I cleaned the whole house cause it was a mess (1 year with nobody there). We met and I never mentioned anything about the breakup or relationship, we talked about other stuffs, and we got back together. My advice to you, find a strategy that you don`t have to confront your ex with anything, or they`ll just shutdown.
See how long you can keep up with never having your concerns heard.
@@sairaphilip437 We talk about our concerns normally. The more secure you are, the more secure they become
@@sairaphilip437 the key is how you communicate. If you come from an emotional place they will shut down and won't be able to understand you and pull back. If you take the time to process your own emotions then you can talk from a place of calm where you can positively suggest that you'd be really grateful if they can do x, y, z to help you out and get whatever needs met and be prepared to negotiate with them, then they will be much more receptive. it depends on the person evidently but if they do genuinely care about you they will want to make you happy and if you can come from a more intellectual point of view and be open to negotiating with them what works for them to help you they will genuinely want to. If they don't then you need to find someone else who does.
@@liliaaaaaaaa The self sabotaging was just too engrained. I had to eventually bail because this was too much mental gymnastics on my part for very little return. I realise the best chance for a DA to fix themselves is if their partner leaves. Might one day create that paradigm shifting moment for them. Or not. I understand there's a spectrum here but most will need therapy to be secure (just like the presenter in the video who's a former DA himself).
Adapting your own communication style is just a surface level solution for a deep rooted problem in my view. It will buy you some extra time with a DA but it is not enough to heal. Their demons tend to pop up anytime and it can be brutal when it does. There's way too many UA-cam comments where DAs quit relationships all of a sudden or even ghost when their partner thought that the relationship was stable. DA = fear of intimacy.
Apparently they will excel in casual and short term relationships. Not for me.
@@sairaphilip437 Agree
The fact that you shared your previous attachment style brings a fresh element to your videos. Your personal perspective is much appreciated. Thank you.
Dumped by DA Crew unite! It's always good when new DA Videos show up because I watched all the other ones on UA-cam xD
So everyone is goin to ignore the fact avoidants isn’t a normal human being? “You should not talk to them, not look at them, not love them, and if you do, do it far away”.
I've learned him how to miss me. And we're groing stronger everytime. He's getting more attached now after one year of strubbling and of course good times. But the love and connection feels so deep❤ He always comes back. I was so anxious in the beginning, but not anymore.
Go no contact, stay no contact.
I did no contact, it didn't seem to phase her but it nearly killed me. So now I'm stuck in friends zone and getting breadcrumbs.
Same here
@@realmsofthespiritarts8557 my head says I need to break it off or be strong enough to sustain no contact, but I'm just not that strong.
Work on becoming secure. Its the only way! The more I work on my own attachment, trauma, and the more I focus on myself and my own happiness without him, the less attractive he is.
Update? Did she ever come back?
@SoundsSilver hi mate, yes, I had to work hard for several months to regain her attraction to me. Unfortunately she still goes hot and cold and I feel I'm convenient when she has nothing else and I'm second to anything that interests her more. We argue a lot because I get very little affection, validation, emotions and I never know where I'm at. When I address these, she pulls away even more. We are once again at the break up stage. I know she values me as a friend and will miss me but I feel that's all I'll ever be. If you can move on from your DA, then do so. Unfortunately I've been stuck in a trauma bond and she has turned me into a weak, desperate man. The pain from this may last many years regardless.
Hos silence sealed his fate. He will never have another chance. He abandoned me. Ghosted me. Suddenly after 12 years
Alexis is the best I've seen on relationships. Literally!
Are DAs afraid to tell people about themselves or find out about the other person? For six months a person would come forward, seem interested, go backward like they were scared of me, come forward, go backward, etc. Over and over again. It was so frustrating and annoying I finally stopped bothering. Trying to figure out what kind of mental illness this person had. I was certain he was a narcissist. Perhaps there are other options.
The option is to LEAVE. Avoidants are hard to be with for sure
@@Karmaman777 hell yeah. Just split with mine after 6 months of 😢. It gets worse over time.
Mine was 8 months, and I feel like killing myself now @@therocknrollcook
I went no contact so many times within a year. He dumped me last feb and he kept his garage things here. Now he claims he’s got space to take his things to. So yes coming in 2 weeks to get it. I held out hope but I just can’t do this anymore.
My ex came back to me a few days ago I got help from a Relationship Restorer Dr Oigbochie who was able to mend back my broken relationship and make my ex to come back and beg for a second chance. He can bring your ex back, and he also do Alot of work also like Attracting SP, Removing Third parties, financial problem and court case, etc
@@happyjohnny8272 ok lol
I went no contact. He just ignored me, forgot about us even having a relationship and had another relationship of 3 years, so yeah....
Well, dreadful as it is, the truth is if this signifies he doesn’t care about you or you certainly can’t depend on him, then of course you’re better off without him. And there’s no magic formula to turn him into the partner you desire.
I'm DA and I may go through no contact to the point I forget the bad and remember the good, but I don't reach out because I know I'll regret the reconnection.
Have you ever gone no contact with your parents? Is it easy for you to do it?
@@kakashifight6907 only as a teenager really. I feel a lot of compassion for them mostly. And they are now elderly and every moment with them is precious when time is running short.
@@Nicana68 that’s good that you cherish the time with them. My son is 19. We were so close (at least I thought we were). He would not enter home without coming over to me, giving me a kiss on my forehead and a hug. I love the boy more than the world itself.
How he went from 18 years of age falling asleep on my lap at times and being a highly intelligent, polite and respectful young man to turning into someone avoiding me once I sent him to college is beyond my comprehension.
He always enjoyed some level of secrecy, lots of time in his room, out with friends, which he exchanged every few months 🤣.
He chose the college, the city, the major and I only supported him and helped and paid. Now at 19 I have not heard his voice for the past three months. He avoided my calls, texts, and request to send me a note once a week just to know that he is fine.
He does the same with his brother and sister, two and four year older.
The boy is truly intelligent. Advanced physics was a walk in the park for him. Now he is in the mechanical engineering program in a top university.
How is all of this feasible. How can a person forget his father and siblings and mother when there was but love and support?
Do I have hope of seeing him again or should I count him as a lost case?
What if the DA is dumped and not the dumper? Nobody talks about this
This is less common as usually the DA cuts out quickly based on their fears, doubts and self-sabotage of the relationship. If they are dumped, it reinforces their negative beliefs that relationships never work and they can only rely on themselves. They most likely will never come back if you dump them. Even if they break up with you, it’s rare for them to return.
@@sshuteandrew I've been with a DA for the last year and a half. I broke off from him many times then we got back together. It actually helped to give us both space to calm down. So it depends on the situation. We had a break for a few months over the winter then recently saw each other and things were much better. Then we broke off again after valentine's day because I sent a love poem and he didn't reciprocate and I got upset. He tolerates me taking a break from him, but he blames me for being the moody one, so that's why I'm here trying to learn as much about DAs as possible so that I can learn to be more objective rather than take things so personally. I've found myself really getting into the anxiety trap so it's important to learn how to heal yourself and be more secure in yourself in relationship terms anyhow whether or not you're with a DA or anyone else. I know when I was last with my DA person he was telling me he wanted to adapt to me and to protect me and was buying me dinner and coffee etc dating style like in the beginning so the break did help. We also both got some land together so we will probably see each other again eventually. I am going to talk to someone who used to work with him who knows him really well who also has a plot next to ours to ask him to help us as a mediator first though. I think everything depends on context. Learning how DAs work is really important so that you can navigate what is going on without taking it personally though. They do care, just they have to work on themselves so they can become more secure and relax more in the relationship before they will express themselves more, so if you can support them in that process that's the best you can do.
Same boat I would love to hear more about this. I walked away because I barely saw him and if I did it was for a couple of hours.
@@Lolipop8686 it’s such a sad situation isn’t it. I’m sorry you had to go through it too. I felt he didn’t care or wasn’t bothered and I had no choice to leave. I was done but it’s been two weeks and I’m really missing him and wondering if I made a mistake. It’s his birthday in a month so I might reach out then see if it sparks up a conversation. I think if he ignores me or is cold it’ll be confirmation that he never really cared and I don’t mean much to him. As hurtful as it may be at least I’ll know walking away was the right thing and I’ll have that closure. Did you suggest meeting up when you reached out?
@@hawtain4399 Thank you ! I completely understand how you feel and I am sorry you're gong through that. It is indeed a super sad situation. The first weeks are the worst. To be honest I go back and forth between the mentality of "he didn't even care" vs. "it's his defence mechanism". I think we will never know unless they come back and explain themselves. Is a lot of confusion and I am afraid it will remain for a long time in our heads. Is normal that you feel guilty, mostly if you knew they were DA. Tbh I still feel guilty after 3 months post BU. But at the end of the day if someone is telling you (with words or actions) they don't even want to see you (that much).. I think you cannot force it. Maybe what can help you is to think how would you feel about having to wait days or weeks to see him, or asking him for crumbs of attention of his time.. Is a horrible feeling. It is confusing because when they give it to you they're like the best person but it's temporary and no healthy relationship can be built this way.
I didn't suggest to meet up, but was clear that I wanted to talk things through and I was questioning the breakup. Maybe you can reach out then but protect yourself and keep in mind he can be completely cold and deactivated by then.
I like that you touched base on the violent break up if they're broken up with (surprised); however, I didn't see this because I used texting to discuss highly emotional topics to avoid confrontations with the DA (thus, how I ended it). But then your video goes back to "Oh sh#t, that's not what I want" and you don't go down the avenue of the other person who ended things - when the DA didn't have a choice in the matter. My question is: What's the difference in actions later on down the line, between being the dumper and being dumped? Most videos cover the DA initiating the end, when that's not always the case.
That`s a great question, I didn`t know the answer so I asked ChatGPT:
"A Dismissive Avoidant attachment style individual may feel a range of emotions when they get dumped, including indifference, anger, or frustration. They may try to distance themselves emotionally from the situation and appear unaffected to others. However, underneath this exterior, they may still experience feelings of abandonment and insecurity. The Dismissive Avoidant's tendency to suppress their emotions and avoid intimacy can make it harder for them to process the breakup and move on. It's important for them to be honest with themselves about their feelings and seek support if needed." (ChatGTP)
I would also like to know this because I recently dumped my DA of 3+ years and feel bad about it
@@guilhermenunes3044 this seems like an accurate description of what my DA is doing after I dumped her. As far as I can tell from her social media and mutual friends. I feel terrible about the idea that I may have triggered abandonment wounds for her
My ex came back to me a few days ago I got help from a Relationship Restorer Dr Oigbochie who was able to mend back my broken relationship and make my ex to come back and beg for a second chance. He can bring your ex back, and he also do Alot of work also like Attracting SP, Removing Third parties, financial problem and court case, etc
It does not
Hi Alexsis ive been with my avoident partner on and off for 7 years each time after her space she gets closer this time ive meet her family including her young daughter made plans to live together had breaks away together discuused her abusive past we went away for two lovely days then i got a text saying its not you its more about me its best we break up and keep your chin up ! at this point i was showering her with affection guess she got overwhelmed and disappeared gone no contact and will not contact her until she realises her unhealthy ways
What it is is selfish. They should Either heal the trauma but they r reluctant to. It’s a self serving one sided situationship. That’s y they r riddled in divorces and many short term relationships. They’d destroy yr attachment system even if your secure. Huge ego that can create mental issues for the other. All that is needed is communication. No one can read minds. They want freedom n independence…let them be by themselves. Simply selfish just about there needs. Take take take. It’s all about controlling the relationship. Then the other one feels suffocated by there control. Pathological.
I said this to him. He'd call me controlling because I'd ask for basic needs to be met 🙄 but he could never see that he was the one controlling everything! From when and how long we spent together to what we watched on TV. In fact I feel silly writing that because of course he knew, he just didn't care because it was his way or the highway.
These people suck.
I think its different for everyone' but what i do know is regardless if you are with a DA its going to be alot of work so i hope u ready and i hope u love them that much.
It didn’t work on me, I can assure you that 😂
You are an avoidant?
@@amazing5165 yeah
At this point I don’t give a damn anymore. I’m sick of this people. They should put their 💩 together and go to therapy to instead of going around hurting people.
Your content is interesting and very well presented. I am curious to know, are you still strongly independent?
Love the outro music
How do you go through this with someone you love? How do you present to someone that the are an avoidant?
I'm a DA, and the only thing no contact would do to me - is make me burn the bridges and move tf on lol Haven't watched the vid, but the title says it all.
Cant even watch the video, who would want to date an avoidant ....
You sound like an emotionally stunted child. Not surprised since you proclaimed to be a DA.
Yeah, but it's better than getting your space interrupted right?
Slay Queen! You're so great girl, more power to you.
Cause clearly you're a broken person breaking other people. Try working on yourself before ruining other peoples lives with your have ass attempt of a relationship.
No one needs that. Everyone deserves to be happy in a relationship.
If you're out here collecting heartbreak, then you're just an asshole.
Hey alexis thanks for the video and I am finally understand what happened to me for the last 2 weeks. He breaked up with me and called it a pause and the next day he wants some time and space. I try to reach him like 2 times and the final one I told him how I am confused and care about him. I told him whenever he is ready and clear his mind he can text me and I will be waiting. Is it bad to mention that I will be waiting. I want him so bad and we had soo good at the beginning. Its been like 3 months and I thought I finally found the guy of my life :( please I need help and guidance
Let’s see…
is it the same with fearful avoidant? I think my ex is an avoidant but he doesnt really fit into dismissive or fearful...
As an FA, if they didn't block you from messaging them, then they're open to connecting with you again in the future. Usually asking an FA what's up and whether or not there's an issue will get you the truth. It might hurt, and we may ignore a few messages every now and then if you're sending spam texts like good morning, how are you, goodnight, what's up, or general late night only texts. We see the text but instead of fighting, we ignore it. Eventually, we'll bite on an interesting text. Keep in mind that we revolve around multiple people if we're not in a situationship where we want someone in particular. FAs have a lot of back burners who spam shallow messages to get our attention - so unless you're in our view of wanting, we're not really playing games or interested - that's not to say we're not being nice and feel the need to respond to people because we hate to be rude (those who are ignored, we assume, can figure out why there's no response). Don't get an FA and DA mixed up - these two react differently to many different triggers.
@@lmart16 I asked my ex about 2.5 months after the breakup about a restaurant address. He answered fast and polite. I tried to have a conversation with him about his (and our) hobby, he answered with a lie and left my next question on read. But still stalked my whatsapp stories daily.
Fearful is both
I’m DA and I can tell you if anyone went no contact with me with no explanation, I’d forget them and move on. It’s immature and rude to not communicate at all. Unless you’re got to have the space to heal yourself, grown adults should be able to remain civil after a breakup, not play come get me games.
Just by reading your comment I can easily see why someone would go no contact with you, but not to try and get you back.
You just explained what DA’s to others
DAs literally need space or else they shut down and no contact others. this comment makes no sense
Says the DA 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😂😂😂
Wish people would read this if they think they care about you.
And how they flip things around.
The truth will set them free and stay away of the heartless ones.
I've been in contact once a week for two months.
He only answered a couple of times.
Do I have a chance to get my avoidant ex back?
Do you really want someone that treats you like that back? It sounds like they are not interested. My advice would be to go no contact (stop doing the once a week thing) until they try to communicate to you something substantial. Look at it like they will never change, because you cannot make them change, then determine if you are willing to accept their behavior.
You never had him. He never cared.
Move on!
Have some self respect!
As a DA I can say that no contact doesn’t work on everyone. I just move on and forget about you.
Off to the next victim. 😂😂
All videos on DA is about romantic relationships. What about a DA going no contact with his family at a young age?
Putting abuse, neglect and trauma cases aside, if someone can go no contact with his father without showing any remorse or regret and still give a flake about going no contact with someone he met a few months ago.
Save what can be saved and is worth saving, and as a father with a broken heart I tell you a DA can neither be saved nor is worth saving for a romantic relationship.
I think my birthday triggers him why?
No it doesn't.....