When the TOXIC parent refuses to realize THEY are the problem
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- Опубліковано 29 вер 2024
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can't help but notice all the home videos she has of the "good times" she shows of her daughter are all from when she's basically a baby.
That’s usually when narcissistic parents like their kids the most. At that age, you’re like a cute doll who can’t speak its own mind or walk off and do its own thing, let alone stand up to their bs, walk away when they double down on it, or assert your will and right to forge your own path regardless of what would be convenient to them. That’s why they don’t even mind pouring time and energy into you as much as later: at an age where even you don’t fully realize you’re your own person, and you’re certainly not able to articulate any differences, they aren’t forced to notice you’re not just a cute extension of them. Making you at once completely non-threatening and part of the only thing truly worth investing in: them.
@@EIizabethGrace my grandparents do the same thing to me. For example, when I was a kid I promised to read the Bible and pray every day, and my grandpa STILL brings that up because I'm not really that religious as an adult and I'm not a "good Christian girl" because of all that I do (I don't even do anything bad!).
Narcissistic parents are generally very good baby parents. Babies haven't developed agency yet; once they do the relationship changes. Looking back at old photos I can clearly see when that change happened.
"My baby was perfect, until it started thinking for itself..."
She doesn't necessarily say that, but it feels like the gist of what's going on in her head.
@@gaiapurpure yeah that's the vibe I got 100%
the fact that the dad was like "she didn't apologize and tell us she had a mental disorder" is WILD. idk what these two think adhd or autism is but, as you said, neither of those cause someone to cut off their parents, and not only attributing their child's choice to cut them off to those diagnoses but expecting their kid to APOLOGIZE for how her brain works is - just insanity.
And when the mom said “we thought she was normal” gee guys… maybe THIS is why she doesn’t feel comfortable talking to you about her personal diagnoses?? Because you’ve expressed in the past that people with different neurotypes are “not normal”??
Especially when they created said brain.
Well said -- from an autistic woman
P.S. when I told my dad I was autistic, he told me my mental health meds caused it. 😐 Been NC with both my parents for over a year now.
That comment said so much. It says that he believes her video is talking directly to them. It says he believes she has done things throughout her life to victimize them. And it says he believes her stating her neurodivergence is a direct excuse to them for “what she did to them”. There’s so much packed into that one little sentence it’s insane. They truly believe they are victims of their child!
I bet they have used this diagnosis as an all encompassing scapegoat.
Daughter isn’t doing what normal daughters do? Well she has autism.
Daughter doesn’t care about us and how she’s hurting us? Must be that autism.
She keeps saying our parenting her hurt her.. well we didn’t know she was a bloody Autism kid! She seemed pretty normal to us. We just raised her normal. Now we’re the bad guys because we raised her normal!
Daughter cut us off? Well those autism kids are known to throw fits.
I say this as a woman who was diagnosed with ADHD and Autism almost 2 years ago at the age of 34. My mother has been wracked with guilt about missed signs and mis-information, and the general lack of resources around in the 90s. (I (and my family) have done our best to ease her guilt and remind her that she was a very switched on, dedicated mother, who would have done something had she realised. Not a single teacher or doctor ever suggested I be tested).
She has devoured so many books, podcasts, Ted talks, UA-cam videos on the topic in the past 2 years. She could write a dissertation.
Doesn’t sound like Hayley’s parents have done even a cursory google search for a clear and current definition of ADHD or Autism.
Thank you so much @BOZE vs. the WORLD. For making this video and seeing this pattern of behavior in the first place. I think most of us grow up in a lonely world. We know something is wrong, but no one acknowledges it. We get called crazy, entitled, spoiled, ungrateful, evil, lazy, etc. It drives you crazy, and attempts to destroy the best parts of us.
It's deadly. My Uncle was ruined, and driven to un-aliving himself, by a sadistic father with these types of traits. (With firsthand experience, I can say that, YES, it is possible to drive a person to un-alive. Sometimes there is someone to blame. It was almost me too.)
This is being discussed so much more. Hopefully the tide is turning, and we'll get to a point where fewer children will have to suffer this dysfunctional insanity. They may destroy the human species first, so we'll see.
I’m still in contact with my mom due to the fact that I have a younger sibling still living with her, but the second they move out I’m going no contact. The younger sibling is also planning on it, and my older sibling already has. Which means 3/4 of her children want nothing to do with her, and I guarantee she will make us all out to be the evil ones.
And you in turn will continue to speak the truth and the truth is that your egg donor is the evil one here and not you.
Still, start planning anyway just in case she does one of two things -- she will either sabotage your younger sibling's efforts to get out or she will do worse and pull a Muammar Gaddafi or possibly pull a Yaser Abdel Said.
When my mother threatened to have my son baptized despite his father and I being Atheists, I laughed it off. "You're gonna have a priest sprinkle water on him, mumble a bunch of ooga-booga nonsense that he won't understand and that means nothing to anyone of intelligence for the sole reason that YOU want it to happen. You do realize that's how priests get fired, right?" and she let it drop. Then she decided that he needed to be circumcised and she told me that her doctor could do it in his office. THAT was what instantly lost her ALL alone time with her only grandchild. 7 years later my son overheard a typical phone call between my mother and I that ended with me crying hysterically, as usual. He'd been hiding under my bed and heard the entire conversation on the speakerphone. He'd been wanting to surprise me. I was more surprised when he rolled out from under the bed and went right for the phone and hung it up before hugging me. A few minutes later my hubby got home from work. He took one look and said "Your mom called, huh?" Our son spoke up and said "Yeah. I hung up on her. We don't put up with bullies and Gram is a bully!" She died in 2017 and we hadn't seen her for the decade before her death. None of us cried.
❤❤❤❤ you raised him perfectly.
i love this i love your son i love you 💕
Your son sounds like a total gem. Well done on raising such a kind hearted, beautiful souled person.
"I can't make her love me... I can't make her do anything, and I just have to cope" Most people just try to be someone other people can love and stuff, and not have to cope with being unable to puppet other people.
It’s one thing to get on camera and talk about your child’s estrangement. It’s another thing to plot out, record “cinematic” angles, pick out music, edit, rewatch your edit and say “yes, this should be online”
I have my mom blocked on my phone, social media, and emails go straight to a hidden folder. But she still sends me physical mail because i can't block that. 🤬 Usually with long letters included. 🤬 This sounds so much like my mom.
The whole "all we ever did is love you" theme is so familiar. I just want to shake them and yell "the people who love you and who you love are the ones most capable of hurting you!"
11:11 it’s the fact that she tries to make this so aesthetic. She’s even wearing a Lululemon sweater or knock off. Leave that goddamn child alone! You’re not a good mom that’s the reason why they cut you off except it.
Notice how all of her statements are about how her daughter's absence affects HER? She didn't call on MY birthday, she didn't call on MOTHER'S day. She didn't care that her birthday was also special to ME.
There's no I miss her in my life. I miss her personality, her laughter, anything actually about her. It's about how her daughter can serve her needs. She's disgusting.
"I thought i was a good parent, and then when I threw support behind a literal fascist, she wanted nothing to do with me." - this lady, basically
Oh my mother used to wish me “happy birthday today it’s been *x amount of years since I birthed you” so I got fed up and now every Mother’s Day I say “happy Mother’s Day it’s been *x amount of years* since I made you a mother” ….
Let’s just say she stopped saying dumb shit 😂
😂 nice
My mother is so like this. I stopped dealing with her five years ago. This past march I received a birthday card with money. Yes I took the money. Sent a thank you note and she thought it is open invite to come back into my life. Nope. Her birthday, Mother’s Day went by and I didn’t send anything. Received a call from my sister and sister told me that my mother is blaming her for the downfall of her life. I told my sister that is the biggest reason why I stopped all communication. I’m not the one who chose people to throw in my child’s life who ruined their life. Let alone what my mother herself did to me and my siblings. Until my mother can acknowledge and really learn from it HELL will be frozen over.
"This may sound stupid but I buy myself a present on Haley's birthday"
You're right, that did sound stupid
I'm not in contact with my sister for about 1.5 years now (long story, but let's just say it involves her behavior towards me). When her birthday passed this year, I just wanted the day to be over and not have to think about it because it's painful in too many places. Someone buying themselves a present for the birthday of someone they're estranged from really doesn't scream "I'm sad" like she thinks it does.
Pretty much!
- because i want it to be about ME
I paused the video right before she said that, turned to my husband and joked, "She buys herself one LOL." I CANT BELIEVE SHE ACTUALLY SAID THAT
My exact words
“Ted’s sister got involved” - in other words, this woman involved other people to use Triangulation (an abuse tactic) against her child in order to regain access.
ted’s sister was a flying monkey 😂
@@laurag502yupppp 🎯
also known as "flying monkeys"." this lady is a full blown narcissist
100%
"We sent our flying monkeys, and even that wasn't enough to get that heartless creature back into our clutches!"
Omg. She binge watched the cosplay videos, looking for ANY MENTION OF HERSELF?? How can you be so oblivious to your own narcissism?!!! No way.
She even reads self-help books like a narcissist. Skipping around out of order and refusing to read any sections that challenge her even a little bit.
My mother is the QUEEN of self help books, reads every single one! Learns NOTHING! Complete narcissist, never changes, zero self awareness, allergic to accountability, etc I could go on and ON. She makes EVERYTHING about herself
It was so comedically un self-aware of her to admit that she only reads the parts that aren’t making her take accountability
@@Meangirl22this is so weird yet validating, I thought my n mom was the only one 😭 she's a therapist and last I heard she wanted to do life coaching, and it was nonstop self help books, videos, quotes, etc. with her
My mother went through every picture taken at my wedding to count the number she was in verses the number my mother in law was in. Narcissism is like hyper focus, but only for yourself. Get a hobby!
She wanted the book to explain why her daughter rejected *her* and how *she* could fix it.
When it wasn't a guaranteed fix and needed her to apologize, then she rejected the whole book 😂
Notice how when she presented the "I thought I was a good mother" she showed herself with the baby and not with anyone old enough to have to reason with, socialize with, positively discipline, and emotionally and verbally care for. I betchu 100% she was one of those 'I want a baby' Moms that didn't consider that said baby was gonna be a whole person separate from her
This is such a great point!
OOOOOF THIS. Very intelligent take.
I point this out to people that are sorta new to learning about narcissists. Narcissists LOVE babies. They lose use for us when we develop independent thought. Right around later childhood/preteen stage. That’s when I remember mine becoming pretty hateful and hyper critical.
That's my mom. Kept having and wanting to have more babies. Supposedly dreamed her whole life about having babies. Then, when we started developing personalities, we became her worker bees, and her external validation from others that she had/has "such polite & well-behaved children."
@@Zaddy-Lu yup that’s another thing. I became my narcissistic elder’s dishes btch. (There was more to this than dishes, and there was screaming, the R slur being thrown around a lot, and she made sure the water when the dishes was being done was so hot that my hands were red for almost an hour after I’d be done doing them and if I tried to add cold to it she’d come by to check the temp and change it back)
It wasn’t until she tried to push that sht onto my kids that it clicked- that the behavior she was displaying towards us is abusive and kids don’t deserve that.
Up to that point I guess, I had just internalized that I was actually just bad enough to deserve it. Sad.
But the momma bear in me woke me up, and I yanked us all away from the entire situation once I realized- and thank goodness it was as soon as she started it with my oldest, so that she didn’t have time to do the damage she did with me.
It’s scary how much it becomes your “normal” when it’s all you’ve ever known.
But just the fact that I personally wouldn’t ever treat my kids that way was enough for me to be like…
WAIT. Nope absolutely not. We’re all gone. No contact. Bye.
Best decision I ever made. So peaceful ever since and our quality of life improves each year.
Not telling her about grandpa was also a punishment. "I would have told you sooner but you were having your estrangement fit"
100%
She was definitely punishing her. She said something like, “my dad was dead, and Hayley didn’t care.” Yeah, lady. No shit, because you didn’t tell her. You texted her and emailed her all this unwanted stuff, but you didn’t text her for this emergency, which she told you was OK. Like, did she not attend her other grandparent’s zoom memorial? Or call your husband when he was in the hospital?! 🤦♀️
my dad kept my grandma dying from me for 3 years till i asked if she would be at thanksgiving dinner because i “was in a bad place”
@@bunsieaj I'm so sorry she kept that from you. I hope you've had some time and distance to heal.
My mom made this exact move. I didn’t get to say goodbye to my grandma. :(
She never once entertained the idea of changing her behavior in order to reconcile with her daughter. Not once.
The book started to suggest it and she never read it again 😂
@@nicholelasater4881 maybe she should reconsider!
True
She wouldn't have needed to be estranged in the first place if she was capable of self reflection.
@@alanj5438 (nodding)
The way she talks about her daughter’s “EXOTIC” cosplays where she’s clearly trying to project that she thinks her daughter’s hobbies are weird. I think she was highkey offended that her TikTok account wasn’t about her.
Being a fury IS weird
@@mlwsmpMaybe it is in your opinion; but that doesn’t make it weird for everyone else.
It’s a hobby, it’s a job (making the suits and even being mascots for big companies), and it’s something people do for fun or enjoyment.
Just because you might not like painting doesn’t make it necessary to say that all painters are weird.
Every fandom and group has a bad side to it. It’s that side that’s the loudest and gets the most attention.
What do you think animal mascots are? They’re commercial furries.
@@mlwsmpit harms absolutely no one
What’s her TikTok ?
@@mlwsmpsure it’s quite a shock to see someone be really into something unusual and socially stigmatized but, as a parent, if something matters to your child, if it brings them joy and it’s harmless, you should at least attempt to understand it or keep an open mind. More often than not, even if you don’t get the appeal, children just want parents to try to understand them, to validate them by showing interest in things that matter to them, by showing them they care to know what you like, and encouraging them to explore. Shutting down her hobbies, ridiculing them is a form of minimization, it’s saying “I don’t like what you’re doing and I don’t care why you like it” it could even read as “I’m embarrassed of you”. You can tell even in the way she made this unnecessary jab at her daughter’s interests as if she couldn’t help herself, that this woman was very critical of her daughter and unsupportive and didn’t think that behavior was going to lead to consequences until it did.
Publicly exposing the kid’s identity without consent and then sharing her medical diagnoses is bonkers behavior.
I’m expecting the kid to file a restraining order.
And they often do this on purpose ... to discredit or provoke the child. Or, as Boze said, to punish them for not taking the abuse any longer.
I can be a tactic to anger the child enough for the child to lash out and break the stonewall.
She also kind of doxxed her. “Today is her 29th birthday,” so if you do the math you’ll have her date of birth.
My mom used to love to tell everyone about what was going on with me. I was a very troubled kid so even to this day it was just so embarassing.
She found out her kid’s medical diagnosis on her kid’s social media. The woman didn’t expose anything that wasn’t already public knowledge.
SHE LITERALLY SKIMMED THE ESTRANGEMENT BOOK, THEN DECIDED NOT TO READ BC IT TALKED ABOUT TAKING RESPONSIBILITY
That actually got me laughing OUT LOUD home alone. I almost said to my phone “THATS THE CHAPTER YOU SHOULD READ MORE THAN ANY OTHER! U LOON!”
😂
if she'd actually read it, she'd have to confront her own narcissism, and she is not interested in that at all. She'd have to go back to that "angry" letter and make a genuine effort to understand it. She is clearly much happier being sad. Also, the dad is clearly even worse than the mom. His only lines in the whole thing are "she doesn't care how we feel." Obviously the parents only ever cared about how they felt, and she's called them on it.
@@marywang9318 that’s why the obviously not narcissistic POS mom had to send her “sad letter” 😢… what a lunatic.
Imagine your ADULT child types out step by step why they are cutting ties and you read that and come away with “wow, what an angry letter. What a tantrum.” 🙄
No reasoning with that. Ofc that girl cut her parents off. 100% agree with you.
But it requires far too much contrition 😂😂
23:51 *"I can't make her do anything"* that right there is the root of her problem. She has lost control over her daughter and can not stand it!!
Also - when they express disbelief over being called 'transactional' with their affection! Then repeatedly talk about the 'time, money, and energy' they spent on her. Like she owes them a relationship for it! They never talk about why they miss her, or what she's like as a person; just that they're owed a relationship and she's slighted them by cutting contact.
She lost her supply! That’s why she’s been falling apart publicly, because she’s trying to get supply from literally everyone else. I think her daughter had the right idea in just completely erasing her from her mind. Not responding, not talking about her, not reacting to her, cutting off all ways to be in contact with her. You know Diane was CRAZY and felt completely powerless for years before trying to get her supply from UA-cam. And the absolute funniest part is how the comments on her videos are basically all people who are very openly NOT buying her bullshit. 😂😂😂😂
And Haley should just remain no contact because Diane and Ted are all about themselves.
This woman somehow found a way to make every point of the story about herself while simultaneously throwing shade at her daughter the entire time. What a delusional narcissist. Glad Haley had the strength to get out.
If Hayley is in a good enough place, I hope she can see this video of Boze roasting tf out of her narc mom like this. Show her that there plenty of people who see her sh!tty mom for what she is.
She's just like my dad, always making things about themselves to get attention
@@romantic_hippie lol, same here. I still have a little twinge of bitterness about the time my uncle made a beautiful speech about my joining the Peace Corps and leaving for Africa in a few months. At the end of said speech, my dad just HAD to yell out "Couldn't have said it better myself!". Sounds small, but it was just the right amount of his usual "make sh!t that isn't about me about ME" extravaganza. 🙄
@@khaleesireyna731 wow, that is irritating of your dad lmao.
@@clutterbot7279 lol, I appreciate that. It's one of those things that really shouldn't be that big compared to all the things he did, but it just is annoying to remember.
Its all good. I'm a dramatic b!tch who used my joining the Peace Corps to leave for another continent and yeet myself into going NC with him (not kidding, that week I: turned 24 years old on Sunday, finished packing and saying my goodbyes/cut him off on Monday, left CA for DC on Tuesday, went to orientation in DC on Wednesday, TRIED to leave with my cohort on Thursday, finally left the country for real on Friday, spent my first time ever abroad roaming around Brussels on Saturday and FINALLY made it to Africa on Sunday). ALL OF THAT in one week.
And like the dramatic ho who takes her exit in the most extra way possible, I haven't spoken to him since (that was over 6 years ago, now. I regret nothing).
My favourite part is when her book spoke about accountability she decided to never pick it up again😂
I mean! 🤣
It's not just accountability... contrition, means to be remorseful. It's deeper. And she's a narc, so she's not deep, she's shallow. Boom.
🤣🤣🤣
The child said the number was for emergencies only - but this lady kept messaging over and over and over and over. She has zero respect for her child as their own person.
She's 100% the kind of person to come to her kid's job and get them fired by making a scene.
I laid out the clearest of boundaries around no contact except for updates on my grammas health, and she sent me pictures of her dog and passed along “so and so says hi”. Had to block her (my mom)
I tried that with my father once, and he messaged me at 4 a.m the next morning with a link to a news story about a baby being born with a foot in it's brain. I freaked out at him again for waking me up, and he tried to play innocent "But it's an emergency for that baby!". 1 decade of no contact whatsoever, and counting.
that number is for emergency only and yet the mother doesn't call when there IS an emergency, but only when she waits a reply boosting her ego ("her Bday is special to meeeeeee")
It's precisely why the only time she called is when dad had COVID and was on his deathbed/hospitalized. She literally wants no contact unless it's time to say her goodbyes… and her mom simply CANNOT wrap her mind around Boundaries.
I went no contact with my dad for two years, and he came back taking full accountability. Complete behavioral shift, 100% unquestioned support, he's my best friend, now. I'm very lucky
i’m glad to hear that you have a better relationship with your dad now. it is good to hear that some parents are able to reflect and change their behavior. this woman is incapable of reflecting on her own behavior and what she did wrong. she will probably stay like this for the rest of her life and never realize how she hurt her daughter :/
Very lucky- good to hear
You are! Most never have a clue
I love that for you so much
My dad came back, but at the same time he messaged, offering accountability, my siblings let me know he'd just had a massive fight with all of them. I refused contact immediately because I know exactly where that was going, just another attempt to reclaim the scapegoat.
I'm glad yours is better 😌
Haley decided at 26/27 years old to cut off contact with her family. She was a full grown adult with a full formed brain when she made her choices, they have no one to blame but themselves.
unfortunately most never do 🤕😬💛
I’m so grateful that all these channels are starting to bring this toxic family subject matter to the forefront. No one has any idea how painful it is to sabotage with your entire family. It is always done as a last result. It’s either you and your mental health or literally the death of your sanity and health. I feel so bad for the daughter of this woman. I hope she has a good support team and clearly she does because most of the world can now see the reason that she did what she did on full display. I think this mother should be charged with child abuse. I can’t wait for the day when this kind of behavior becomes a crime.
My mom always did this to belittle me too, I didn't really mean what I said or really like what I liked or this was because of someone new in my life it wasn't really how I felt etc. Constantly belittling me and my feelings
"teds sister got involved and she unfriended her which was surprising because they were politically aligned" - wow almost as if politics had little to do with your daughter's decision and that's just a strawman you chalked her feelings up to because you can't accept that you actually were just a bad mom
This👆
This is exactly what I was thinking at that part! Also when she was like "it was surprising because I'm not very political."
I was wondering why boze didn't go into that more. It was very weird of her to say
This!!
Yes! This!
This lady is actually the worst. Her daughter wrote out exactly what the problems were and all she could manage was a "messaged received" when it absolutely wasn't.
"Message received and duly discarded."
I think she received a message that came from her own head.
She even blurred the words together so that the daughter's actual complaints were unintelligible. She doesn't want anyone to know any other perspective than her own
Her daughter setting a boundary means she’s lost forever. Because it’s Hailey’s decision whether or not to allow contact, she’s just gone.
Do you know where I can find the daughters response?
My mom plays the victim like this. If she made a video like this I would expose everything. Parents like this make me sick, they destroy and brutalize us then cast us as the villain in our own torment.
Omg! As a daughter who was diagnosed at 30 with ADHD/autism this infuriates me. My mom would call me the “r” word to people, and told people I was mentally slow.
holy shit man that's horrible i hope you're out of there
@@ilove.davegrohl_ I am thankfully. She was arrested (for identity theft not child abuse, the police didn’t care about us) when I was 23 so me and my younger siblings escaped. She had 8 of us. She’s out of prison now and most of us are NC with her, she’s never met her grandkids and doesn’t know where most of us live. She does play the victim with her friends though. Thankfully all us kids and our dad are slowly healing. I appreciate the concern.
@@atduheplease be safe and don't give into your mom's nonsense. You deserve a peaceful life.
Yep ugh mine did the same. anything to deflect responsibility. I'm sorry, you're not alone
Okay. Good thing its not about you
“[Grandfather] was an odd little duck and often in his own world”
What are the odds he was also neurodivergent and the mom still doesn’t understand and downplays his symptoms just like she does with her daughter’s AuDHD?
That seemed to me like she had a bad relationship with her father too and instead of breaking the cycle became really toxic herself.
Very likely since autism has a strong genetic component.
Or maybe she's the odd duck.
The odds are definitely near 100%.
Before she even mentioned the daughter's new diagnoses, I called it right away that the grandfather was autistic
Mom: I didn’t tell her about my dad dying.
Also
Mom: and she didn’t even care!
She also didnt tell her because "they weren't close" but the daughter always remembered his birthday?
I caught that, too
I watched a psychologist react to this video some time ago and she remarked about something that really stood out to me. This woman very deliberately did not read out loud her daughter's letter, the letter where she explains why she's no longer talking to them and reduced it to "90% politics" so we have to take her word for it (and I don't). Really interesting.
Love to watch that, do you remember what video it was?
Live Abuse Free did a reaction video or maybe even two videos!
Found it I’m going to check it out
live abuse free is SUCH a good channel! Her narc breakdowns are so well thought out, nuanced and compassionate...but still holds ppl accountable.
I've been no contact with my dad since 2011 at age 19 and wrote him a "reasons why" letter too, and yet he claims I don't wanna talk to him because he didn't wanna give me a sweet 16 party 🙄. Maybe if he READ the letter he'd understand why I left. I was very angry and straight forward in the note, but he continued to tell everyone that I'm mad because I was a spoiled brat 🙄
In reality, he was sexually, mentally, and verbally abusing me, and favored his wife over me and my brother, so I was always the punching bag in the house. I was called crazy if I stood up for myself.
When I was 11, my mom put me in therapy. After three sessions, he said the vast majority of my problems were caused by my parents. When I told my parents, they immediately pulled me out...
Something similar happened to me around 13. My therapist brought my mom in one session and scolded her for the way she treated me. Mom didn’t like that and wouldn’t admit it
I hope you were able to continue therapy away from your DNA donors later on.
I have actually heard therapists say that they wont do therapy for kids because the kids is almost always a scapegoat for larger family issues, and I have seen this in my own life with kids I know who were sent to therapy.
Classic
Yep. Lots of studies showing that kids are only as mentally well as their parents. Especially the mom. It’s true in my childhood and for my kids as well. Our family dynamic significantly improved as soon as I took accountability, got the help I truly needed and made significant changes in how I show up. Can’t undo the damage made, but I am hopeful because of the work that’s been put in and the support I’ve given my kids I’m their own healing that maybe the “generational curse” won’t be passed on. At least they’ll know that parents screw up, but they don’t get a pass on cleaning up their mess because they’re the parents.
i absolutely lost my MIND when she started using the autism against her. i was also diagnosed with high functioning autism very late into my life, and this diagnosis has been used against me again and again by my family. "that's your autism speaking." that's how they say "your feelings aren't valid because you're autistic. you're in the wrong and something is wrong with you." it's deeply hurtful. it can make you wish you were never diagnosed at all.
Anything you divulge to a narcissist can and will be used against you in the court of their delusion.
"I'M not the problem, your autism is"
I'm so sorry you went through that. Blaming the part of yourself that you literally cannot change over _their_ behavior that they _can_ change is absolutely vile
Diagnosed with autism 2yrs ago at 55 after being misdiagnosed with bipolar disorder. My family STILL hasn't accepted that im not mentally ill. At least me personally, the autism diagnosis explained my WHOLE life. I cried when i found out. The relief of knowing WHY i was the way i was. 🥲♥️
I was diagnosed early (and I am very lucky in this way) and I got shit growing up like "oh she gave herself an eyebrow cut because she has autism and doesn't think before she does something" with an ugly picture I asked not to be taken posted on Facebook. I would tell her "I didn't ask to be born with autism" and she clapped back with "I didn't ask to have a child with autism" needless to say it's been over 4 years no contact. Probably for the best they found out later so they couldn't weaponize your autism against you as a child.
Diagnosed with Temporal Lobe Epilepsy in my late 30s, mentioned it was herditary, with 5 minutes (literally 5 minutes!) my narcissistic mother made it all about her. I went no contact 18 years ago. Best thing I ever did for my mental health.
Always listen for the Missing Reasons. She acts confused about why she’s estranged, blaming politics. But halfway thru she reveals her child sent an “angry letter”? So what was in this letter? What were her child’s reasons? She doesn’t say so cuz then she’d have to be accountable.
Accountable? Never. That word can't even be applied to her. But she would have to explain it and she knows that would make her look bad. These people are so pathetic.
Nah, she does not say them because they are not good reasons to her. It's not malice, it is just stupidity.
Parents like this talk about their children going no contact like they’ve been inducted into some kind of cult. Brainwashed into not caring about them anymore. As long as their kid is doing what they want, it doesn’t matter how miserable or dysfunctional they are, but when the child decides they’re the problem, that’s when something is desperately wrong.
My life’s been going so much better without my no contact parent, but they don’t care. They think some mysterious change happened where I just decided to stop talking to them, that change happened because I went into therapy and got help. I started setting boundaries with them they refused to respect, so I enforced those boundaries by ending communication. It took years to get to the point of no contact, but if you ask them it came out of the blue.
Yup
Great detail you caught there!
Did anyone else clock when she said the whole "i cant make her" thing. Thats what is driving this woman crazy. That she can no longer make her daughter do what she wants.
Yup. That’s probably the only way she knows how to interact with her. And, judging from how she decided the daughter was “lost” to her when her only “attempt” at reconciling - making her, through guilt, harassment, and thinly-veiled public shaming - fell flat, it’s probably the only way she’s _interested_ in interacting with her.
Yes!!
Exaaaaactly
I caught that too. Gave me the heebees
Yes. That was the point where she officially „confessed“ that she could not manipulate her another time.
I love how the muddled children's script gets presented as "blah blah blah" because that's how she hears it
Also that the child's script was read by an actual child when it was a grown adult telling her these things.
as soon as the mom and dad said that shit about autism I knew why the daughter thought they were irredeemable
My moment of no return was when my mother help bragging about how Trump won and that she was hoping it meant the ⬛ "vandals" would be....um...Game Over'd. I said "ok so jail doesn't exist, or what?" She looked me in the eye and said "no, that won't send a strong enough message to these people".
@@WobblesandBeanthats actually terrifying
Yep
@@WobblesandBeanyo wtf she wants people dead she shouldn’t have access to anything sharp
yeahhh i get the feeling that the parents invalidated their daughter at every point she tried to mention any of her struggles and the parents pretended their daughter was perfectly happy and were shocked when she cut them out 🗿
It’s shocking how many parents will be super emotionally neglectful and then be like “well we didn’t hit you :D”
This lady pisses me off too because she literally has the tool - the book - to help her understand, but she just “skimmed” it, decided she didn’t like a later chapter, and now seems to be proud of the fact that she’s just never read the book???
She also has her daughter's detailed email that is completely ignored while Diane wails about not knowing why this is all happening. Her narcissism is too powerful, it prevents her from truly wanting to learn the painful truth.
@@aphreyst4551 in my personal experience, parents like these will never admit that they are wrong when confronted by their child or even by family members, but SOMETIMES they can be reached by a third party or outside perspective that they do respect. For example: my family spent most of my life insisting I was either normal or gifted, no matter how often family friends or I tried to talk about how “well it seems like the situation your child is in is similar to the experiences of people who have autism/ADHD” the answer was always “OH NO WE HAD THEM CHECKED IT FINE”. But when I finally had an official diagnosis, my mother at least finally was able to understand that I would always need a different kind of accommodation. My grandmother is still in denial la-la land and has been since I was first diagnosed with my depression (her literal words were “I want to talk to the Counselor who dared to diagnose my baby with *depression*” said in the most derisive tone ever. This woman was a hospital Social Worker at this point. So obviously not every parent can be reached by an outside perspective, but sometimes it can help.
Basically all this to say she probably will never see her daughter’s letter as a guide to how to repair their relationship, but the book had a slightly better chance of at least getting her to think of things from a different perspective, rather than being in her own little echo chamber of “yes you are totally right” where her daughter’s letter will always be this emotional trigger for her rather than seeing the document for what it is.
Pa!
A self own of epic proportions.
‘I read the book on estrangement but it made me almost self reflect so I couldn’t continue’ lord have mercy
😂 🤮
She was surprised it said its likely the parents fault and just pushed any advice to the side... read the room Karen
Folks like this have no recognition of hypocrisy what so ever
She really thinks evidencing contrition is worse than never seeing their daughter again. Oh yeah you love her so much...
Right?! What’s going on in this victim mentality’s head?! Messy honey, wayyy messy!
I'm estranged from my mother. Last I heard, she was in a state nursing home. Of course I'm the 'cruel' child who's turned her back on my loving mother who sacrificed so much for me.
This is the woman who let me be beaten bloody for the first half of my childhood and never ONCE acknowledged the impact it had on me. She boo hooed for 45 years about how traumatic that marriage was for HER, but when I brought up that I couldn't wear dresses without tights or shorts because of the neck to heel bruises and welts she acted like I hadn't even said anything and continued talking about herself. (deleting the worst crap) There was the time when I was in high school and she 'became overwhelmed,' literally ran away from home without even telling me, and I ended up homeless on the street.
For years, I thought it was me - something bad in our dynamic - but it finally dawned on me that this woman had cried and been taken in by every friend and family member she ever had. She'd abuse their hospitality, be kicked out, bawl, then be taken in by the next one. In the rare times she managed to get some stability, she'd decide that she was 'meant for bigger things,' get a wild hair up her ass, nuke her life, divorce whoever she's married to, fall flat on her ass, cry victim again, and be taken in by someone else. She's burned through a lifetime of connections and now NOBODY wants a damn thing to do with her. Toward the end, I felt like I was playing some sick version of musical chairs and I was the one who was going to get left standing at the end. She violated every SINGLE boundary I ever set. The woman has NEVER taken responsibility for anything. On the rare occasion when she couldn't deny that SHE actually did something wrong, it wasn't her poor judgement. Oh, no. She only did something wrong because she was misled. She was lied to or tricked. I tried to talk sense into her for decades. I begged her to pause and see reason a thousand times. I begged her to calm her tits and THINK before doing anything rash and she was never dissuaded.
She doesn't know the meaning of the word 'gratitude.' For her, gratitude is synonymous with 'beneath,' 'slave,' 'trash,' or 'dog.' Not kidding. For her, simple gratitude is groveling. The merest suggestion that maybe she owes a thank you to the person who gave her everything sends her seething.
And still I feel guilty because I'm not a monster. I know she's now elderly and severely disabled and I don't want to abandon anyone in that state. But I'm no spring chicken, I'm also disabled, I have a terminal disease, and I'm freaking tired. I want to spend the time I have left with the people who love me and I want to share as much goodness as I can. And I want as much time as I can get, but the stress of her will rob me of that, too. If I allow it, my mother will literally be the death of me. And she won't even feel bad for ME when I die. It'll be another reason for her to throw a pity party for herself.
I hit a wall and had to choose, her or me. For the first time in my life, I chose me. It was the most difficult decision of my life, but I just can't handle her sucking the life out of me anymore. I'm so damn tired.
I don't believe in cutting people out of my life for small things. I'm far from perfect and I'm grateful for any grace that anyone offers me. So I give grace in return. But when there's a long term, repeated pattern of behavior and I'm finally sure that they don't really care about me at all, it's time to go. I have good things I want to do and I can't do them if all my time is wasted catering to people who wouldn't visit me in the hospital if I fell off a cliff.
I'm sorry you went through all that, and so proud of you for doing what you had to do
I felt your post. Sounds like your mom has Borderline Personality Disorder.
After everything, now you're being forced to live with this.
You made the right choice. You can forgive her if you feel it'll make your burden lighter but forgiveness doesn't mean she gets to get back into your life. Know that people who "judge" you know only her side of the story so their opinion isn't based upon the truth and therefore can be discarded. I worked in care homes and hospice - we know the "sweet old ladies" weren't always the same way if there's absolutely no-one that comes to visit and we never judge.
It sounds like BPD to me, very difficult to deal with, spontaneous manic episodes, adverse to treatment. You take care of yourself cuz as we know nobody else is going to and don't feel guilty.
Love when toxic parents finally get hit with the reality that they arent always the victim.
Unfortunately she still lives in an alternate reality from ours.
@@SharkFishFacetrue, but we can't help that. All that we can do is say "yeah, but the rest of us live in THIS reality. And in THIS reality, you aren't the victim".
As annoying and terrible as it is, it's good to see that even thousands upon thousands of voices saying "yo you fucked up" will not change these peoples commitment to victimhood. It makes it slightly easier to let go and let then destroy themselves lol
💯
I haven’t spoken to my dad in like a year and he lives with me. lol I would feel bad then , recently he just was being a jerk to me for no reason and saying I’m making everything worse .
now I remember why I don’t talk to him
"I was grieving for dad, but also Hayley, who didn't seem to care". What, she didn't seem to care that your dad died when you never actually told her that he had died?... by your own admission? How weird of her. 🙄
Just another form of narcissistic abuse
Narcissist logic at its finest
This parent finding out her child has ADHD and autism and then saying ''high functioning'', ''seemed like a normal kid to us'' is the most neurotypical person thing to ever say.
It's like when people tell me that I "don't LOOK autistic! You're so normal!" Like, ok???? It's almost always the same people that infantalise people with ADHD/Autism and/or openly mock neurodivergent people
for real 🤦🏻♀️
SHE SAID THAT WITH THE COMBO TOO 😭 Like girl I guarantee you’re child was not just a “normal kid” with both autism and ADHD, you just didn’t want to admit that you’re child wasn’t neurotypical and ignored all their symptoms
Also the fact that this woman referred to her father as an “odd duck who lived in his own world”. Grandpa was likely autistic like Haley is.
Also the fact that this woman said her father was an “odd duck who lived in his own world”. Grandpa was likely autistic like Haley is.
Every single thing she said was about HER. Not a thing about missing Hayley, wondering if she’s okay, worrying about her, wondering how she’s feeling about things, wanting to be there to help her, not a single Hayley focussed thing.
This is what I can't get over. If my daughter were out there in the world on her own, my primary concern would be her wellbeing, but there's no mention or concern about it at all, just all woe is me 😞
I've read some of this women's community posts. And she attracts the same type of parents as her. If you read through the comments you realize why none of their children want anything to do with them. And you're right, it's a hard read. Completely clueless and they are all victims.
now i wanna go read. don't worry, i won't interact... i just want to laugh at them lol
@@mightymeatymech Lots of religious talk too.
They're hard headed covert bullies. I was raised by one.
@@BsTheLadynred sounds exactly like my father!! these people LOVE religion. it's a shame that they give it a bad name.
They're narcissists. Dealt w it w my dad and I've been estranged from him (by choice) my entire adult life. It's sometimes hard to make people understand that a parent can be so terrible for you mental health/ life that there is nothing you can do but purge them from your life. And they ALWAYS do everything but take responsibility for their actions. Truly they put their pride and ego over you. Noone choses their parents and unfortunately, there are a lot of terrible people who become parents.
I read this blog written by a person studying Estranged Parent communities and one of the big things you see over and over again in those communities is the parents crying "I don't even know what I did wrong, why won't they just tell me??". It always turns out that their kid HAS listed the reasons why a million times, but the abusive parent glosses over everything and dismisses their reasoning with "Oh well they just blamed me for everything and acted like I was the worst parent ever, it was ridiculous" before launching right back into "what did I even do??"
Exactly. Narcissistic parents NEVER LISTEN
@@Meangirl22 they listen, they just don't care. It's something I've had to teach my mother when it comes to her own mother. It's not that these parents have an inability to listen, that they're somehow differently abled and therefore need excuses/explanations (although that never justifies mistreating people), they simply just don't care because everything is about them.
Yeah i Made a list for my mom... But she doesnt undertand still
This is why I didn't even bother leaving a message. I knew it would be a complete waste of time. Just another chance to dismiss and invalidate, then gaslight by acting like nothing happened, like always. It's been nearly a year now and I shit you not, I too keep receiving these sketchy "self-help/developement" -shit in the mail.
Do you have a link to the blog?
the parents repeating 'she doesn't care' as if they haven't completely disregarded her feelings is probably one of the many reasons she went no contact.
That made me so angry!
It made me angry too, you can see their true colors in the video, they had to edit the video and then get comment on the video, yet they still decide to put their blinders up and just ignore how horrible they are and probably were to their daughter. This whole video the mom made is one big “boohoo poor me I’m so very saaadd and every year on my birthday she never wishes me a happy birthday or Mother’s Day and I still can’t take the hint and refuse to take the hint”. It was also wild when she talked about reading the estranged parents book and she said she couldn’t stomach it and couldn’t finish reading, it just shows how much she doesn’t want to hear that she and her husband are most likely (I’m pretty sure they are) responsible for her going no contact. Basically she just wants everyone to tell her how right she is and pat her on the back while saying it’s all the daughters fault.
They showed no concern for her wellbeing whatsoever in that video then they're all 'sHe dOeSn'T CaRe aBoUt uS!' 😵💫
She smirks the whole time. She made an entire mini-documentary on herself, and she couldn’t keep from smirking, even when she was trying to pull a woebegone expression of martyrdom. She cannot force a frown onto her face, she is THAT happy to be in this position of self righteous victimhood.
My god, the absolute SMIRK of a narcissist.
Someone needs to train Police and Judges that no this smirk does not mean “calm, relaxed, couldn’t possibly be a perpetrator or the aggressor”… it means “calm, relaxed, believes they are above reproach, ecstatic that they are getting away with it and that their victim is receiving extra punishment, not even taking the situation seriously because they’re up in their delulu heads about something else - and most frighteningly - this smirk indicates that the narcissist is feeling emboldened, and you bet they’re going to escalate a whole lot more next time.
Although I’ve seen TheSmirk™️ on the faces of law enforcement from piggy to wiggy, so maybe I won’t hold my breath.
" I buy myself a present on my daughter's birthday! " Maybe the most narcissistic sentence ever spoken! ??? Unbelievable 😂
I had to rewind I thought I misheard 😂
Anyone catch when the mom said, “we thought she was normal.” As if people on spectrum or with adhd are a whole other species. Infuriating.
@@smashedmelon3156 26:33
@@smashedmelon315626:30
@@smashedmelon315626:30
@@smashedmelon315626:50
🤦♀️
She wasnt ghosted. She was asked to go away. Haley didn't disappear one day, she broke off the relationship and this woman cant accept that. So gross
Exaggerating makes the daughter look guilty and the mom more innocent, that's her whole point. Toxic people do this to paint themselves in the most flattering light. They live in a reality they created themselves where they're flawless and everyone else is ungrateful
@@megb7758 *the goal of exaggerating
Didn't work out that way.
She also sent a letter explaining her issues with their relationship. So ghosting is even more inaccurate because there was warning, explanation, AND a request to be left alone
I felt like you until I saw the daughters' videos. The daughter has got serious mental issues. If this were 1975, she'd be in a sanitarium. Search for pinkcuttlebug and you'll see what I mean.
@@l.r.4006I bet Hayley had tried to talk to her parents about these issues countless times before the email.
She chose an email because her parents would have derailed and deflected the conversation every time. An email cannot be interrupted. It can also be forwarded to others to prove Hayley’s side of the story.
She really got to the taking accountability part of the book and said NAH that’s too much for me, I’ll buy ME a gift for HER birthday 😂 what a LUNATIC!
You can tell the estranged mom loves the attention she gets from playing the victim. she had a huge grin on her face 90% of the video. she’s talking about how upsetting and heart breaking the situation is and is speaking with a wobbly cry-sounding voice but is smiling the whole time. she really enjoys this drama
Not just smiling, but _smirking._
She was smirking a lot when Ted went off about how the daughter doesn't care and it makes me wonder if she stoked him a bit and was happy to catch that on video as though knowing she can use that footage to hurt her daughter.
Those poor parents in the “Estranged Parents” Facebook group that just joined bc their kid became a Scientologist or some shit and have to deal with 90% narcissists.
For real dude
Oooof. Good call.
:( fr
Very true and very sad they have to be apart of a toxic community that doesn’t know how to support their situation
The name of this 'estranged parents' group is wrong to begin with. If I remember correctly, that term was originally used for parents who were smeared by the other parent during/after divorce. The children will avoid the 'evil' parent until they understand more.
"I can't make her do anything." *stares at you* YES. THAT IS THE FUCKING POINT.
i haven't been this glad a complete stranger escaped her abuser in a very long time. DAMN! poor hailey.
I’m a 55 year old mother, estranged from my own mother, and this woman and her public, drawn-out. victim whimpering is so disgusting! Ugh… such a narcissist.
Fellow victim of narcissistic boomer parents. You have my empathy.
I think in general the younger boomer moms really have some sort of arrested development. Like there must of been something in those daytime soaps that screwed with their heads.
Same here. I'm exactly your same age and went NC with my narcissistic birth-giver 2 years ago. She has pulled out all the stops, and I don't expect it to end anytime soon. She actually called the police on me a few months ago to report that I had stolen photographs from her photo albums when she "had me over for my birthday", which hasn't happened in years and years. And of course, I never stole photos out of her albums. Absolutely unhinged. Literally used the police to try to get me to call her.
@@elevencrowsI hope the cops didn't give you a hard time
@@lockhak33 they were REALLY nice to me. Very validating. In fact, last I heard, they were going to get a social worker from the Council on Aging involved to offer her mental health services! 😂😂😂
I'm 100000% ready for the daughter's response video! The daughter's voice needs to be louder than the abusive mother
Me too!! Is it already online??👀
Me too.
@@noatak6852 it is! By the channel LIVE ABUSE FREE “My daughter stopped talking to me: my reaction”
@@cloudysunsets That's a British woman and definitely not her daughter.
@@amandaskywalker7331 Yea was just coming to say i take it back :p i dont know if it was report worthy tho, to whoever reported my comment
“We poured so much love, resources, time and energy”
Ma’am, that’s the bare minimum
The number of narcissistic parents who want a cookie/gold star/their asses kissed for doing THE BARE MINIMUM is astounding.
That’s like your job …
@@bluejava9397 they get SO mad when you point that out to them, too. 🤣🤣
They try make their kids feel guilty because they fed them, clothed them and sent them to school. That is the minimum requirement. Children in children's homes get that. You don't get a parenting medal for that.
@@khaleesireyna731 I feed you is the worst thing to hear like you were contemplating otherwise?
I’ve seen this video, and it’s gross. I was diagnosed with autism at 54. 54. My family would punish me, isolate me, and abuse me. Parents and siblings. Yet, I knew my own child was autistic at six, even though I was oblivious that I was too. Belittling a child and forcing them to comply, as a non autistic, is abuse.
I almost vomited “we never saw anything like that”, god, blech. I feel so sick.
So you should teach them that they can do whatever they want without consequence?
@jvillain9946 did I say that? No. No I did not.
But if you are a parent who doesn't even see their child struggling, you should have never been a parent
I need boze calling out bad parents. My own dad that im no contact with reached out to me today trying to manipulate and guilt me into coming back to the family. I need someone calling out manipulative and abusive behavior
Edit. Fuck this hit hard. My dad and sister are doinf the same thing, continually texting me, trying to use their life events to guilt me into coming back, acting like they have no idea why i left and that im just being mean. These people really have no ability to self reflect
unsolicited advice, only because your situation reminds me of my life a lot.
this is really difficult to do, so i'm not saying do it TODAY, or even this year, but.. i also had family who would bring up my father constantly, even after i asked them not to. they would ask me how he's doing as if i hadn't said we were estranged, they'd half listen when i said WHY we were estranged, they'd give excuses and the cycle repeated.
my life is still a mess but it's been significantly quieter since i just cut out anyone and everyone who pulled that crap.. it hurts and i feel guilty and mean, but i know i did the right thing if they werent gonna listen to me. the final straw was when i saw all of them wishing him a happy fathers day as if i didn't exist. (there's a LOT more though, trust me.)
anyways, that's just my situation. your life is your life, i just wanted to point out that if your sister isn't gonna respect your boundaries and the relationship isn't overall positive, it might be time to tell her to take a hike.
I feel you. I had my father that I'm NC with (six years NC and on the other side of the country from him. It's great!) try to guilt me back in by spinning me a sob story about my grandfather (who I have literally only met 5 times in my entire, 3-decades existence).
When you get those messages, if you feel up to it, keep it short and sweet. Just give them a generic "I'm sorry you're going through that" and then drag them back to the exact reason yall are NC by saying something along the lines of "while I empathize with you in going through a difficult time, that changes nothing between us and does not change the fact that you treated me like sh!t for years. Do not contact me". Then block 'em. They can't use that email to play victim since it both shows you as empathetic and also highlights their abusive behavior toward you and they can't keep pulling that crap because you've blocked them. Keep strong and enjoy the life you have without them.
I was scared of this happening and this video and this comment helped me finally block the last contact of my parents. Thank you for helping me be brave boze and random potato commenter hehe
This is helping he hold the line also 💪🏻
My grandmother tried to use old baby toys as a way to reinitiate contact. Literally asking me if I want baby toys. I do not have children or plan to anytime soon.
I gave a very curt response and she saw that as permission. Messaged the next day trying to be my friend.
I told her straight up "my response to you was not forgiveness. You still need to sincerely apologize for the harm you have done before I even consider taking down the boundary youre trying to sneak over right now." And then I laid out how she hurt me one more time.
She couldve strung me along and pretended to be truly trying to change, but I knew she couldnt. That would be admitting that our family isnt absolutely perfect. So she told me that once I am done having my tantrum, she will accept me back.
Told her that if she really must contact me, she could do so through my stepdad. That if she really gave a shit, she would put in that effort. And then I blocked her and my grandfather, who got a message saying "no hard feelings, I just know grammy uses your account to block evade."
Best thing I have ever done. My life finally has peace.
Surprisingly (not) she has not tried to use that form of communication once.
"I buy myself a present for Haleys birthday" dude that is EVIL
Right??😆😆😆
😂And as a side note...why was she hiding in the curtains, but she's also outside? I'm confused & just feel sorry for Haley
Unhinged. Like bitch, taking accountability and an apology is free.
@@emiliazola3708it’s a hammock lmao
idk why i thought she was gonna say she donates it or does something alone that reminds her of her daughter lol i almost choked when she said she buys herself a gift
Bruh, the "I saved you from choking when you were a baby" part is so messed up, as if she's saying she could have just let her die. It makes me feel like she's thinking back on it like "I wish I just let you choke if I knew you were going to treat me like this" Like, even if I saw a random baby, unrelated to me, choking, I'd still try to save them because I'm not a psycho. They wouldn't owe me anything after and I'd go on about my normal life.
My mom said something similar because I told her she used to hit me and my siblings when we were kids and that it wasn't a good thing. She told me "I didn't beat you. If I beat you, you'd know because you'd be in a hospital!" I also heard from my sister that my mom was talking shit saying "Oh, I WISH I beat you guys harder!" because she was angry that I was telling people she used to hit us. When I'm trying to reason or talk to her, she also tries to guilt me by saying how she did good things for us, but I told her it doesn't cancel out the bad or make it okay. Then she sits there confused about why I don't talk to her anymore.
You could put it On a neon sign with flashing bulbs and it’s still wouldn’t be understood by the EP.
They're seariously like "I did the bare minimum that was legally required of me idk why you aren't more grateful."
Also you're supposed to give a baby tiny pieces of food so they don't choke. It is literally her fault that she choked on food as a baby and her responsibility to "save" her baby
This is weird. I was aparently difficult home birth in the sence of no one thought I was coming and then I did in early morning. I have gotten told multiple times how I was purple and my umbilical cord was chocking me. Father stoped me chocking when he caught me. My dad is pice of shit. I love my mum but she victimized herself without realising but anytime I bring facts bout dad and how stuff he done is fucked up and dont deserve she was just like "yeah well hes your father and hes the one that caught you when I gave birth to you you k ow"
Anyway it weird caz I never thought much until I saw this comment from outside perspective. Like letting baby choke is not something to hold over their heads in arguments emosinwise. Plus it basic needs.
I always dismissed my feeling over it thou caz it wasnt the topical "I clothed you and fed you. You have never starved" that pops up commonly with other storys and it was as if
Me chocking ect as baby (should suposidly tie more emotionally ) specific scenario so I count shake it with how I can with other things like "clothes properly"
Ppl on other stories say that it just basic necessities of parenting
Would that mean that my short hight isnt my fault? I'm fm barley 5'2 and was told I was fussy eater as toddler and they tried to feed me but I was just too difficult and they told me their be consequence but I didnt listen so it's my own fault?
"I saved you from choking when you were a baby... From the food I gave you or small object I carelessly left in your reach. But I saved you from my negligence dammit!"
I have neurodivergence and was not diagnosed until my mis 30's. It explains a lot about me and why I struggle with social interaction and executive functioning. Luckily when I presented this to my mom, who never pushed me into "being normal". She said she wish she knew sooner so she could have gotten me more support for me as a kid. I am very high functioning and intelligent so I found my own way Luckily. She told me nobody ever brought that up to her and was ignorant of those conditions. Which I 100% believe. She couldn't know what she didn't know. Girls are often undiagnosed, especially when I was younger. Also she has some of the same traits and thought it was "normal". She probably has some neuro-spicy stuff too.😅
I didn't know about high-functioning autism until our oldest son was diagnosed as a young teen (early 2000s). Even then it was very new info in the medical field and often unknown to many General Practitioners. In helping our son I gradually realized my own mental issues and dealt with them, and even in retrospect how it manifested in our parents. Thank god there is so much more knowledge and resources now. There is no excuse now not to find solutions. This estranged mother who refused to even read one book or really listen and process what Haley had to say is to blame for her own situation.
Edit: spelling errror.
So it was actually good for you. If they would have treated you different and coddled your "autism", then you would have based your entire identity around being autistic and never learned the lessons you needed to function appropriately and effectively in society.
The fact that she decided to start the video by saying “is because of politics and our decision to support that guy” is laughable, YOU KNOW is not because of that, there has to be something deeper but she chose to use that argument because it made her daughter look like a snowflake or something.
I would bet they wouldn't shut up about "that guy" but when the daughter arguments back they "aren't political
100% , if it was raised at all it would have been just the straw that broke the camel's back for her daughter lmao
My dad has completely different political views from me and I would never even consider going no contact with him because he has always been loving and supportive of me and we don't let political differences cause hostility in his house. Like...he is pretty solidly a conservative and my little brother is trans and there will never be any doubt in the family at all that he loves my brother. He loves all of us. Kids don't go no contact "because of politics". They go no contact because of a pattern of abusive toxic behavior and sometimes politics get used by the parent as a vessel to push the toxic behavior.
@@IceFireofVoid I am curious, is your dad happy to call your sibling your brother, or does he have difficulty with it? I have a family member like your dad, but hers is more to do with being taught that being LGBT is bad through her religion. She is accepting of my cousin and I, but she has the learned response to be "disgusted" which we've talked about previously, so I'm curious if he has a somewhat similar response?
@lf2597 It's complicated because my brother is kind of still in the closet. His friends at school know and the siblings know directly because we were told. My parents kind of know because it's obvious, but he hasn't officially come out to them yet so they still use she/her pronouns for him because they don't want to assume. But my dad respects the pronouns of my brother's out trans friends so we know he would accept my brother too. He's just not ready yet to come out.
I hate that my amazing mom died a year ago at only 67 but then all these horrible parents just keep on living and bringing misery to others. Life sucks man.
@Spooky_Platypus My dad died two years ago and my literal thoughts were that the wrong parent died.
I am so sorry for both of your losses.
My mom passed away just over a year ago. She was a very toxic parent.
The feelings that came in mourning her passing were complicated to process.
My abusive mother died last year. I was only 26. It doesn't help. The fact it still hurts is complicated on its own
@@NicgrossI lost my dad in 2018 When he was only 75. I went NC with my toxic bio mom 2 years ago. I had the same thought that you did when he passed. Thank goodness he married an amazing woman when I was 8 years old, because she's my real mom in every sense of the word, and I don't know what kind of a parent I would be if my birth giver was my only reference for motherhood.
"I can't make her do anything, so I'm just trying to cope" like wtf does she even hear herself???? She's freaking out because she can't control her daughter anymore
Yes, but how dare she say they don’t love her unconditionally.
This!! I couldn't believe Boze skimmed over that part. Like she was spelling it out that what she wanted from her daughter was control
Tough noogies for Diane and Ted!
Haley and her sibling are out of Diane's and Ted's clutches and they are never going back!
“I’ve been thinking a lot about forgiveness” proceeds to forgive her daughter for her “wrongdoing” and herself (even clarifies that she forgives herself more than her daughter) for “blaming herself.” Like girl, that’s not forgiveness, it’s self-pity. It’s self loathing and purporting that her daughter is at fault and must be the reason she feels the way she does. Like what the hell, she read a book about forgiveness and came away with another way to feel sorry for herself.
My daughter passed away from a genetic disorder at 9 months. I buy Christmas presents for kids in PICU for her, because she was in PICU around Christmas.
I don’t buy myself a present for her birthday…
That sounds like a lovely thing to do.
That is a beautiful idea
What a beautiful way to honour your daughter’s memory ❤️
I'm so sorry for your loss, no parent should ever have to experience the loss of their child. You are such a kind soul for buying the presents you do for those children. I hope you're doing okay
That is so kind and warm. 😊❤❤
I was devastated when my daughter went no contact with me years ago. I was also proud of her and respected her wishes. I sat with my guilt and pain. I reflected on the reasons she gave. I waited.
My daughter and I have a relationship again.
No one is a perfect parent, especially coming from generations of abuse. Healing is more important than perfection.
im glad that you were able to, for lack of a better phrasing, respect your daughter and her wishes, reflect and change. im glad you have a relationship with her again as well, and were able to share your perspective here
It takes a big heart to reflect and acknowledge things.
Girl... so so so so proud of you for being accountable. This means FAR more than you know. I believe in you!!!
As a daughter who went non contact with my mom, this is what I want. Not perfection, but healing and understanding.
I'm so proud of you for putting the work in for the relationship with your daughter. I'm sure she appreciates it, too.
“I get myself a present for my daughters birthday”
Not even terrorists could torture me to confess that out loud 😭☠️
100% you could not waterboard that out of me
love the part where she described her autistic daughter as sounding like a robot when she called to check on her sick dad!
parents like this are absolutely unhinged. When I ran away from my parents house 6 days after I graduated high school, I told my parents I wanted space. They showed up uninvited to my apartment several times and would scream at my door saying things to embarrass me so my neighbors could hear until I let them in. When I had enough I told them I don't to hear from them unless someone died or they wanted to go to family therapy. My mother proceeded to send me texts weekly of old pictures from when I was under 10 saying things like "look at how cute and happy you were. I miss that little girl so much" to bait me into talking to her. I had to threaten a restraining order if she didn't back off and that the only thing I want to hear from her is a therapist appointment or a funeral date.
Get that restraining order, then block everything. With people like that honestly it’s not worth knowing what the other family members are doing. And if you truly care that much talk to the other family members just block and restrain the parents.
Another commenter pointed out that the estranged mother in the video only showed movies from when Haley was a small child or baby. Basically, when she was 100% under her mother's control / was dependent on her for everything / hadn't come into her own personality and thoughts. Your mom "missing" the under 10 year old version of you is likely similar.
Ugh. After I went no contact, my mother forbade my little sisters whom I protected from her my whole life to contact me oversaw all their communication and told them if I was going to cut her off I was cutting them off too, resulting in them sending me secret messages BEGGING me to talk to her. I refused to use them as a pawn - that was the hardest part of going no contact for 18 yr old me. She sent my grandma, with whom I was staying, "You are enabling her rebellion" "We hope she repents from her sins" "We will always be here to welcome her back" "Her actions have consequences for her sisters, which is unfortunate". Sent me a whole lot of pictures of my sisters. Sent a text asking me to house sit for them for two weeks?!?! My dad sent me a whole lot of "Iove you, miss you" in the month leading up to my 19th birthday. I ignored them, but they still got to me, alas, and I eventually agreed to meet him the day after he asked if he could meet me. Ohhhh, such a disaster. A six hour disaster. I walked away crying, telling him, "I love you, I'm not trying to hurt you, but I have to go, please don't contact me, goodbye" while he yelled after me, "I love you, I'll never let you go, you're my only reason for living, I'll always love you, oh, it's so easy for you to just walk away." I'm so annoyed I was manipulated enough to feel bad about that for months. It was so much harder to walk away in person. I love Dad. I know he can't love me. So I blocked him, and I blocked Mum. And, when my grandma (not the one I stayed with, the other one) tried to set me up with them, after huge enabling and blaming for ages, I blocked her too. I can still contact my sisters - limited, but I can. My goal in life at this point is to break the cycle for them, and love them so they do too.
Terrible terrible people, you don’t deserve that kind of treatment and you know you don’t. That took a lot of nerve and strength to push people like that away and continue to do so, but please try to file for a restraining order as a bit of peace of mind so you don’t have to deal with it later. Sometimes these kinds of people will magically forget what they did wrong and try to creep back into your life.
Please be very cautious with considering the family therapy. US family therapy has a VERY parent based bias history
Very telling that we never get the full letter from the daughter, because it would be so damning.
Also, her satisfied and smug grin is just disgusting. She’s enjoying wallowing in her false victimhood.
I kinda hope the daughter someday responds to this woman’s bs… publicly. Puts the letter out there. But then again that’s what she wants is a response from her… uggg these people are just icky.
Estranged parents: “I decided not to contact them this year.”
Estranging children: “FINALLY.”
Right! Don't threaten me with a good time!!
Another thing that stands out to me that's so manipulative and abusive to both the grown up child and the audience is how she shows pictures and videos from when the child was younger and with her family members in her pity video. First, it sharing a part in her younger life that the child did not consent for the world to see. And second, the mother is using those memories to vindicate her claim as a "good mother" and present her reality online. It's disgusting and wrong. Not only does it violate the child's privacy but it also harms her reputation to the public, when this should be a PRIVATE matter. Honestly this is so infuriating to me.
why does she assume its all about politics "i assumed it was because my husband isnt the same political alignment", "i was suprised because theyre both the same political alignment" it has nothing to do with politics and everything to do with you and your actions😭😭
Exactly !! 😂 that bothered me immensely
Yeah, she literally includes multiple examples of evidence that it's obviously not about politics...yet, she applies no further introspection, no consideration about why her daughter's behavior doesn't make sense if her motive is political. 🙄
No kidding. My parents and I have very different political views. Very different. I'm not estranged from them. My fiancé's brother's, however, are very low contact/heading towards estranged and they have very similar political views.
I thought it wasn't assumed? She mentioned it the start that her daughter said "as long as you support _him_ " which I inferred meant Trump.
@@that.ll_do_pig the mom literally says the exact things i wrote in quotes it is very much an assumption and its very easy to tell, as someone who came from emotionally abusive parents whos soon cutting contact, that both the mom and dad are emotionally abusive it has nothing to do with political alignments
I went no contact with my mom for a year. She gave me distance. When I eventually reached out to her over text, she started in with the “why did you block me on facebook are you ashamed of me as your mother??” And I responded, “I blocked you because I wanted to be open with my politics without you being offended. Why do you always assume it’s something to do with me hating you?” And she immediately replied, “you’re right, I’m sorry.” That’s when I knew something had changed and she was willing to do the work to be back in my life. We have a fantastic relationship now and I have a lot more understanding of what she was going through when I was a kid. She was 17 when she married my abusive father, and in an evangelical cult. I’m really proud of her and how much she’s grown since my dad died. It’s really sad and honestly pathetic that people like this are passing up the opportunity to do some actual growth and have a more mature relationship with their child because they can’t shut up long enough to actually listen.
It makes me happy to know that you two have a good relationship now. Wish you the best.
Must be really nice. My mom went to therapy for a year and appeared to improve and then she regressed immediately and thinks she doesn't need it. You're almost 70. Ain't no way ONE YEAR did what it needed to do. And it didn't. She's still abusive and I hate her.
Her face was scary. You could see the anger and contempt shine through at so many moments. And this was her trying to look good for a self pity video. She couldn't keep her mask on enough for them to have footage to edit it out. These were her best takes and her malice and egotism still shone through.
Dude seriously!! It’s so obvious to any of us! She creeps me tf out. Within minutes it was so evident how insanely selfish and self involved she is
She couldn't stop smirking!
Yeah she got them cluster b lizard eyes.
She managed to get through a dramatic heart wrenching video while still having a smile playing around her lips. The only time she managed to show real emotion was the almost crying at the end.
Its flat out creepy
Smiling through gritted teeth. She’s doing the old mid-century new-ager dance of “forgiveness for yourself” and “not stuck in anger” but that one right there is burning tf up with rage and it shows.
You know what pisses me off so much? How when the daughter called her dying dad her mom said it was a “miracle”, when no the f it isn’t, she did what a normal person would do and her mom couldn’t take it because she was villainizing her in her head
Was estranged from my mom and no contact for 3 years. Decided to reach out and try to create some sort of relationship with her and she reminded me that “btw I owe you nothing”
Estranged again. I guess I’ll see her on her death bed.
It’s hard when you’re going through something and your first feeling is “I want my mom” and then you realize that they aren’t really a parent.
She also spiritually bypasses me by telling me that my abuse from my step dad didn’t happen. Aliens implanted false memories in my brain. Sad.
@@tovixbonjoviholy shit that’s such an unhinged thing to say.
When your heart wants a mother, it doesn’t want her. It wants the mother you deserved to have but never got
@@emilybarclay8831 yes exactly
Thankfully I have my own 8 year old daughter and I get to reparent myself while parenting her with unconditional love and she is the happiest kid I know.
I appreciate my mom for teaching me how NOT to treat my child
🫂
@@tovixbonjovi having an example of what NOT to do can be as useful as an example of what to do!
The girl realized she grew up in abusive family and decided enough is enough and it’s better to not talk to them anymore. Meanwhile the abusive mom: „I decided to forgive myself“, WTF?!
"I was grieving for my dad but she didn't seem to care; also I didn't tell her he died bc she didn't know him well, but that's not important" 🙄
17:18 the mom that is a trump supporter is calling out someone elses intolerance?
This lol
Im estranged to my mother and I’ve never been happier she’s a narcissist horrible person who let unspeakable things happen to me and blamed me for it and she still doesn’t understand why I don’t call or see her. I hope parents see how hurtful some of the things they do can effect their child
YES!! I'm so proud of you!! stay strong :]
Same. Me and my dog are our own little family. We've got this. 🤜🏿
i hope you are doing better
Same when it comes to my dad. Dude can dish out the nastiest sh!t imaginable behind closed doors, but GOD FORBID he get even 1/100th of that given back to him (I consider that 1/100th to just be the truth of things, sans the insults).
Is your dog your pfp@@peachesandpoets
This lady is like “I birthed you, that means I own you you can’t leave me you are mine YOU ARE MY CHILD” there is so much anger behind those bullshit smiles and fucking bogus “I’m gonna cry”
And her daughter is an only child. I imagine growing up was a whirlwind of misery😢
@@katrina3560I heard she has a sister who was instructed to convey between them.
My mom commented on my instagram post where i celebrated my 2 years of being clean and sober, telling me she is proud of me. My first thought was „f you!“- I know it was my choice but she is not gonna act like she was there and supported me, when the first thing she said when I told her I‘m going to go to therapy and get clean: „oh so I‘m a bad mom now“ and my dad telling me: „it’s not my fault you got abused by men, you chose that life“ ( I was a teenager)- having no contact with my parents is painful but the best thing I have ever done for me… thanks boze for watching this with us and explaining things i couldn’t have understood without.
Happy sobriety baby!!!!! I’m so proud of you!!! Keep up that power love! I’m 5 months away from my ninth year sober, it gets better every single year!!!!💙💙💙💙💙
This reminds me of when my sister got in trouble because she didn't want to thank our mom at her graduation because she actively f***** with her education and job whenever she was in a pissy mood, discouraged her, told her to quit , nd was extremely jealous of her counselor who actually helped her graduate.
OMG toxic parents are the worst!!!! My mom would rather tell me 'happy giving birth day' than tell my daughter 'happy birthday' because she wants me to tell her that on my birthday because it's all about her. Because OF COURSE IT IS. Insanity honestly
They struggle to let anyone else be in the limelight, that’s merely her projecting because she feels unimportant. Happy belated birthdays Ɛ>
Wow, we must be sisters because we definitely have the same mom.
🤢 I hate this so much
Whats crazy is despite all her heeing and hawing about how abandoned she feels and how shes a good mom, she never once tried to reflect about what she could've possibly done to make her daughter feel that way. She didn't mention Hayley's feelings **once.**
Exactly! No accountability just finger pointing and playing victim.
This is the abusive narcissist. Not a damn thing makes them wrong.
the craziest part is that acknowledging the no contact request and leaving it only for family emergencies for MORE THAN A YEAR bc a year isnt such a short time for estrangement especially if the parent is still trying to make contact through that year, wouldve probably been better. the daughter wouldve at least had the comfort of knowing that her mother FINALLY acknowledged her feelings, and within years they couldve had some sort of contact. now, this estrangement will likely last over a decade or the rest of their lives
"Forgiveness... but for mostly myself" - Excuse me while I RETCH!!!! 😂😂😂😂
My parents moved from NH to FL when I was 17 and I wasn't invited. I'm now 33 and finally confronted my mom about how I feel she abandoned me and her response was "but look how strong you are now" her response haunts me.
God what an awful response, hope you have good people around you now..
This! My mom used to 'cry' in front of friends and family because 'she'd raised us all to be so independant'.....implying that was why we hardly ever visited, or called her for help with life's problems.
Ughhhhhh that makes my stomach TURN ! Screw her
I know this so well. Instead of having a conversation about their shortcomings as a parent, it gets twisted into "No, this was tough love; I did this _for_ you." It's because they can't admit any wrong doing. I am very sorry this happened to you.
She didn't do that to make you stronger...I'm damn sure that her motives had more to do with her than you. There so many are better ways to gain emotional and personal strength...it likely would have actually been easier to develop that strength with support. There's a whole list of basic needs that have to be met...she denied you the most basic support. That's messed up and wrong
Expecting her child to get over it with time, tells me she’s been put on timeouts before but still (obviously) refused to accept boundaries.
Yeah, mom hasn't accepted that the passage of time actually does not heal all if that time isn't used for reflection and improvement.
@@lexicon--526 If anything, the passage of time only gives Haley and her sibling the confirmation that going no contact with Diane and Ted was the right decision for them to make.
My kids are 29, 27 & 25/25 now.. about 5-6 yrs ago we were all having dinner together and somehow it came up about how I was while they were growing up.. I learned that day that I was toxic at times.. a lot of times. I always thought it was their less than part time dad but my heart was literally broken finding out that I hurt my kids. We sat at that table for probably 3-4 hours and I let them unload all of their hurt on me.. they deserved to let it out. We all cried. Ever since that day, I’ve been working on myself to help them heal. We all have an amazing relationship and I couldn’t imagine not listening to my kids and validating their feelings and changing my behaviors…
That's absolutely amazing, i teared up reading. Its such a beautiful form of love y'all share ❤
I wish u and ur family all the best!! It's hard but something that has to be done to strengthen yalls relationships and I'm so proud of you all
This is the response many of us hope for but do not get, usually it is denial/anger and attempts to gaslight. Good for you, I bet you guys do have a genuinely wonderful relationship
This is so beautiful it made me cry.
I can imagine your accountability and validation went a long way for them to have the ability to also hold space for having compassion and understanding. 🩷
I think your response was rare and admirable. My female biological parent would rather suffer estrangement than ever accept any responsibility. She was truly sick.
@31:00 you are so right. My adult children have had issues with me and sometimes they put me on 'pause' and I give them their space. I never ask why (because I know) nor do I defend myself. I told my sister I feel like I have been 'deleted'. I learned from my father that if you leave them alone they might come back but if you keep pestering them they won't. I think this woman just wants sympathy.
This mother sounds exactly like Chris Watts's mother. Same, "it's all about me" mentality (mother is clueless about her own character). Why does this mother not say she misses her daughter? Why does she not speak about the cute or cool things she appreciated about her daughter? Sounds like daughter was expected to love the mother regardless of how mother treated her, daughter was just a possession created to solely to serve the mother's ego. What a NARCISSIST!
100%
I never thought of that but you're so right. Both off the charts narcissists. When Chris Watts mom talked about how she never liked ShanAnn because she said Chris had hair like a skater boy. 😳 Girl, your son killed this woman, and his own children!! And you want to vent about how she didn't like his hair. I can't...
My jaw literally dropped at "So, happy birthday Haley!"
The fucking audacity of this woman, to not only act like she was entirely in the right, but to try and demean and belittle her daughter, by name, in this self victimizing video.
Absolutely disgusting. If i had any doubts that Haley did the right thing, they were swept away with those four little words.
I hope Haley has a wonderful life far, far away from this woman and her husband.
exactly, SO passive-aggressive. obviously gets a sadistic thrill out of taunting her daughter. no wonder the poor girl won't have anything to do with the crazy bitch.
This woman is exactly my mom. I told my mom exactly what she did, and her response was, "I did my best, and im not perfect." Good for this womans daughter for disconecting.