Study shows why people stay friends with their ex
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- Опубліковано 29 лип 2024
- In this video, I discuss the reasons why people stay friends with an ex.
Time Stamps:
0:00 Intro
0:48 Predictors of staying friends with ex
6:08 4 reasons why exes stay friends
11:00 Should you stay friends with your ex?
12:20 Signs your partner isn’t over their ex
Griffith, R. E. B. E. C. C. A. L., Gillath, O. M. R. I., Zhao, X. I. A. N., & Martinez, R. I. C. H. A. R. D. (2017). Staying friends with ex-romantic partners: predictors, reasons, and outcomes. Personal Relationships, 24(3), 550-584. doi.org/10.1111/pere.12197
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The thoughts expressed in this video are my own personal opinion and do not reflect the opinion of any institution I am involved with.
The contents of this video are for educational and entertainment purposes only. They are not meant to substitute seeking professional therapy.
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you can remain friendly.. but you don't have to be friends
Absolutely
Thank you so much!
Thank you!
ありがと
This is just your opinion based on your own experience. I can tell you that you can be friend with your ex, and it's OK if you still have feelings, just be stronger and don't let that ruin the beautiful friendship, because a person who's been intimate wight you knows you better than everyone else. You can still find a new person to fall in love and be friend with your ex. With strong will and self awareness we can prevent jealousy to explode, and btw feelings like jealousy are egotistical, they show you want to possess the person which is not true love. True love means freedom.
Sometimes people stay friends because they were friends in the first place and tried to be a couple but realised they weren't romantically compatible!
yea that’s what happened :,)
Yeah that happen to me
Yep
That’s what happened to me😭
Good point.
My take? You can’t “stay” friends with an ex if you were never friends to begin with. Some couples really were friends before they started dating, so it’s possible that they can revert back to a friendship after a breakup and some time to cool down, but more than half of you had no genuine friendship with your partner before you started dating them. It is utter foolishness to think that you will be friends with them after a traumatic breakup when you were never even friends in the first place. It’s hard enough to build a good friendship when you’re starting from nothing; there’s no way you can build it from a foundation of disappointment or betrayal!
Unironically one of the best comments I've seen on UA-cam
@@BotBruh448 agreed
This is an EXCELLENT point. I have a good friend that I'm still close to after we dated for over a year and then broke up, but we had been friends for more than two years before that, so it was more a matter of just slipping back to what we had before. It did take me a minute to properly get over my feelings (and I think that if she were ever to suggest a relationship again, I'd likely seriously consider it), but I ultimately really respect her for being willing to communicate the way she did, and it's reinforced the fact that we do really care about each other as people and friends. In some ways it's made our friendship stronger, because I can trust her to mean what she says and not just go along with things for my sake (something we've both had trouble with in the past, and one of many reasons we have such a strong mutual understanding).
👏👏👏
Thank you!
I was just thinking about this today! I didn't stay friends with my ex. He has reached out many times over the years. He is married with children. I believe he's reaching out, not because he misses me or cares, but because he's curious or lonely. Regardless, it makes me feel uncomfortable. I never reply.
We tried staying friends for a while, but I never saw him that way. It felt like a downgrade. I can't be friends with someone I have been intimate with, just like I can't be intimate with my friends. It's a clear line that can't be crossed.
I didn't stay friends with my ex because I love myself more than him, and my feelings are more important than his.
Love this!
Damn Marie B, well said. 👏👏👏👏👏
Exactly.
@@Dreamingwithin By "intimate," I mean sexual relations.
@Marie B My sentiments exactly, yet people don’t understand this logic and tell me that I’m mean and in reference to my male friends people say well “just give it a try” but he is my friend and there are lines you just don’t cross!
My predicament, because I love the person and want him to be happy but I can accept that we aren't romantically compatible. I miss him I dont miss the relationship
I am in a similar situation with my ex (he is in a relationship while I am working out things with myself before getting into another one) and I accept that we weren't really compatible to begin with, but we appreciate each other's insight and company :)) We have found a safe space in each other but I wouldn't want to get back with him and him with me as well :))
@@poddeeznuts ok see, I was starting to wonder if it was a bad thing but I originally saw it as "i appreciate you as a human/soul enough to not want to discard you like trash just because of my pride/ego."
@@jessicafernandez777 Exactly! There are times when losing contact with an ex is the best decision, especially if one wasn’t treated well and there wasn’t a friendship built during your time together. But if that isn’t the case, any relationship can be kept and maintained if the intentions are coming from love :)) there really isn’t a right or wrong way but whatever feels right with you and the other person :))
Relationship which takes on a different form as in friendship* is what i meant of course :))
The delusion in this thread is unreal 😂
As someone who's still good friends with one of his exes to this day, I can assure you it's because it was a healthy relationship that just wasn't meant to be.
Same!
If they were truly, you should still be able to be good friends. It's the toxic ones you need to axe
Love the way you phrased this
Sounds like rubbish
If you stayed friends what does your new partner think of that? My boyfriend wanted to hang out with his ex and I wasn't willing to do that, why would I it's weird! Just a friendly chat is ok but not hanging out with them.
I can't do it personally. It either hurts deeply or no point at all
Before knowing the reasons, you gotta separate them into groups: the one who dumped, the one who got dumped, mutual breakup, and external causes breakup.
Each group will have different reasons to stay friends with their ex. It's impossible to generalize all of them with the same mindset.
Breakups are never mutual.
@@henderickmitchell6941 I've had mutual breakups. Usually a friend you dated and both preferred the friendship.
Exactly. It definitely matters who broke up with whom and what they mean by staying friends if you want.
@@henderickmitchell6941
Yes, they can be
@@henderickmitchell6941 sometimes they can be
Staying friends with my ex was one of my biggest mistakes in navigating our breakup, it just brought me pain and got me taken advantage of. Know your worth everyone
I feel this can’t be understated.
I can't ever be friends with my exes,because I can never truly heal if they are still in my life.
Heal what tho? What if the relationship wasnt toxic? What is there to heal?
Maybe pain , disappointment or even healing from anger . Doesn’t always need to be toxic to heal from a failed relationship.
@@markdonkor5409 u delusional asf bro if the relationship was healthy why would it end?
@@rashaadbrown175 it's clear you don't know much. Some romantic relationships don't last because the people in the relationship aren't compatible with each other. Not all relationships are toxic and not all have to end in bad terms.
Mine failed bc of a lack of communication and having some different values at that point in time, too much was assumed, leading to misunderstandings and hurt. Easily avoidable and fixable, but she never wanted to work things out or try again, having misconceptions about me she won't let go of. All I can do is live my life, if she sees otherwise somehow, great, but I doubt it. The old saying, "you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink" is perfect here. I've tried.
Be aware that some of them could be narcissists as they need to have their harem garage of supply. Be aware of people who stay in touch with all of their exes and somehow never let go of them even when they are in a new relationship
The girl I may date soon had 3 exs and she's said that her past was bad but yet is close to one, two or all of her exs for idk what reason!
Is this a red flag to u? And why?
What shud I do abt it?
@@Vnp99 it sounds like she is about to make you a rebound. Since she had a bad relationship but can’t let go of him at the same time, goes to show that she might still be emotionally invested in her previous relationship. I would say have a talk with her. She isn’t a narcissist, she seems like she isn’t fully over her ex yet and that is the redflag
@@Ellejas now that you've said this, it makes sense and I think you're absolutely right. Thank you :)
Honestly, I had two and my first ex is one of my best friends, and the other one is still a very close friend. I wouldn't call myself a narcissist at all haha. Personally, I don't get into a relationship if the person is not a friend of mine or close first, and when the relationship is over is still value them as friends and want to get along well as friends.
@@marina816 absolutely, is not a general rule. This is why i suggested people to be careful out there. Is good to double check people’s motives all the time. Is a cold world
Great video Ana! Just a personal observation on Avoidant attachment types: they often want to stay friends with their exes because of guilt. It’s their peace offering for not showing up for you during the relationship.
Well I have an avoidance attachment style, my ex is anxious attachment. They wanted to remain friends and I didn't. All or nothing, not further rejection
This is me 100 goddamn percent I feel so guilty
OMG YESSSSSS!!!
@@fweshy274 agreeable avoidance attachment
I have avoidant attachment style and i have never wanted to stay friends with any of my exes
It’s not impossible to have a platonic relationship with an ex but I think it is rare especially if it was a long term serious relationship. I wouldnt be ok if my bf was close with an ex and vice versa with my bf. I just see it as, that person was in your past so leave em there. There’s really no point in holding onto em
C i don't think they have just be part of your past or be left there. If they are a good person then why toss them away. Idk it's different for everyone. If it is a mutually healthy friendship it can be a blessing.
@@llararulens8895 If they are a good person, it actually creates even more heartbreak. You are holding onto an enigma, never healthy
@@afifatanjeem2464 Some people are better off as friends and are capable of having a platonic friendship after break up - especially after long term. You get to know a person and find common interests. If they are a good person and you want to remain friends, then fine. Two good people won't increase heartbreak because they know they don't work romantically.
They could have kids and just want to do their best to coparent while exploring their new separate lives.
Yes and it interferes with the current relationship because it always makes you wonder if they’re having bad intentions with this person constantly. Or if the other party is trying to sway them to be romantically involved with them.
Main problem I see with staying friends with an ex is that it’s a stagnant connection. There can’t be any forward progress and you’re clinging to a past connection.
Maybe if were friends before relationship and have overlapping social circles would stay friends with an ex.
But if met with express intention of romance (esp through a dating app) is very hard to stay friends after relationship ends
My narcissist ex stayed friends with his ex's for supply and wanted to remain friends with me after he ghosted for several years. I refused and he bullied me for getting rid of all the toxicity out of my life, as if me being healthy and free of toxicity was an attack on him, when in fact, I was protecting myself so that I could heal from all of the abuse.
Yikes, I have a feeling my ex is gonna try doing the same thing. Good on you. Keep him out!
I was just going to say this!!! There are a ton of videos on narcissistic abuse and they stay friends with their ex. So sorry but i'd say because of that don't stay friends.
That's good u took toxic people out of ur life
I dated someone who was close friends with his ex and it was a terrible experience. I tried to be understanding and I kept giving him chances against my better judgement. It was a big mistake and I would never date someone with that arrangement again. When I would raise concerns about some of the things his ex was doing like baking him desserts and making him dinner he would call me "jealous" and "insecure." What makes someone jealous of an ex exactly? Are you saying your CURRENT bf/gf is jealous of what a strong relationship you have with your ex? Your relationship with your ex is supposed to be finished in order for you to even be in a new relationship to begin with. The whole concept of being close friends with your ex while you're dating someone else just boggles my mind but people will do it. I eventually had to accept the fact that their relationship, regardless of how they labeled it a "friendship," was the primary relationship. Whereas I was the secondary relationship. So I walked away. He let me leave too, which further indicated how attached he was to his ex. You have to know your boundaries early or you'll get taken for a ride and hurt like me 😔
It’s a no from me. 🥲 Someone is always holding on to hope. I wish them the best, maybe we could have a short cordial conversation if we bumped into each other(and I didn’t run the other way 🏃🏻♀️💨) but definitely not a ‘friendship’ scenario.
I have never stayed friends with my exes. Once it's over, it's over and my feelings for them die within a few weeks. Honestly, once the relationship dies, why carry around the corpse? Bury it and move on.
I totally agree. Go through the death of the relationship. Heal and move on!
Right? It’s ok to be civil around your ex if you run into them and y’all resolved the end of the relationship, but to be friends? Respect the dead, grieve, and move on
Yeah but don't you care about them? We have limited time on Earth and I can't imagine just spending it separately from someone who is like family, who's company I enjoy and who I really care about (I care about if he's well and if he's happy). I can't imagine how people don't stay best friends after a break up, I would still want to share everything with my ex and talk every day.
@@nonono777 When I said my feelings for them die, I wasn't joking. After the breakup, my now ex doesn't mean anything more than some random person I encounter on the street. When I give my heart to someone and she accepts it as her own, that's an emotional point of no return. It becomes an all or nothing deal. If we break up, then the "all" is over and the only thing left is the "nothing", which is exactly what there is between my ex and I. It might seem cold, but survival takes top priority and survival isn't always nice.
They just want the benefits without the commitment. You are being demoted/devalued while they source “someone better”
I agree. Underrated comment
That's not true
In general maybe, but I’m not convinced it’s always the case
Yup, totally agree
most cases but probably not always, sometimes it's just honest loss of attraction/love, but everything else like emotional connection might still be there, however I think it's mostly a sad and depressing premise for those who got dumped, are still in love and accept the measly friends offer, while it's hard to come by any good stats on this, pretty much everything I've heard about this is that the chances of getting back with someone via friends route is next to done, but then again getting back in any other way is a very small chance anyway so it almost does not matter
Wow, I just saw the title and wouldn’t have expected that based on all the stories I hear from people I know about their exes!!
I don’t understand how some people stay in contact with an ex and switch to being their friend right away. How do you get over someone if you’re still talking all the time? I went through my first breakup very recently and we decided not to have any kind of contact for a while before considering a friendship.
Social currency, supply of dopamine, and mostly to see people as a means to an end.
@@kenseisato1989 by means to an end do you mean they want to keep them around as an option or get back with them eventually?
Because you're not necessarily talking all the time. For me, being friends with my (dickhead) ex simply means making music together; that was the best thing about our relationship anyway. If he continues the passive aggressive misgendering crap, though, I won't even be able to do that with him. To be honest, I was over the relationship before we split up -- not that I didn't realise how awful it was afterwards and cried a lot.
Like, there's no objective reason not to be friends just because you stopped fucking. A good reason not to be friends would be in the case of abuse (clearly, though, I am foolhardy and trying to love everyone, or something of the sort...)
@@BooksAndShitButNotLiterally I feel like it’s very hard to get over the romantic and emotional connection at least right after the breakup, especially if it wasn’t abusive. Friendship isn’t the same and I’d need time to grieve the loss. Didn’t do anything sexual anyways cause he’s waiting for marriage.
@@madelinevlogs5898 Everything is different for everybody. I did feel extremely sad after the breakup, because I had to realise that I'd clung to the relationship almost in a state of delusion, ignoring quite how bad the bad parts were. I had to realise that the first time I had made myself truly vulnerable in a relationship, it had been a mistake. Now that's a hit to the ol' pride! But I always knew there was that theme in our relationship -- he didn't believe in love, so he was going to remove my (nascent) belief. And I thought maybe he would feel my love if I loved him enough. No, it doesn't really work like that. Not at all.
I certainly couldn't immediately be pally with him. But I've been on good terms with all of my exes, bar one. It turns out there was an abusive element in all of those relationships, however, so maybe I was fooling myself. It's just.. how to put it. It's hard to truly condemn anyone. Part of me is paranoid; the other half counteracts it by being incredibly naiive.
To each their own, but I could never remain friends with an ex. I could be friendly , but not friends. Remaining friends makes me feel like I'm the backup plan or break glass in case of emergency guy.
I can see how you might periodically stay in touch, but I don’t see how a true nurturing friendship could continue because you need to move on and focus on other people. You can’t really move on to someone else if you keep falling back on the ex for a connection.
I'm a gay male and I definitely see a lot of us do stay friends more often. It was interesting to hear you point it out.
Any theories as to why that is?
@@bec.des3 networking? Support?
I’m bisexual and dated a girl for 3 months, it ended because I wasn’t in such a great head space. .
I recently got close to the LGBTQ community and realized a lot of them stay friends, maybe it’s the unity of it? Think
It may also have to do with the contained community aspect. In many towns GLTB don't have as many social options as do the larger community and and the frequency of chance encounters is higher. Just my guess.
I don’t communicate with any ex at all.
I don’t like when my current partner is friends with their ex unless they were already friends before we met. Even then I don’t like it.
not to dig into it but there may be some trust issues or jealousy. If you are confident in your relationship you should be fine with him still keeping in touch as long as it is not non stop talking and over the top. Many times people realise they don't have a romantic future together but this doesn't mean they can't genuinely be friends. If this is how you do, it doesn't mean this is how your partner should do it too.
@@marina816 you’re absolutely right. I have a dear guy friend and he has a gf now and I would be devastated if we couldn’t be friends bc of it. I’ve never had the pleasure of meeting her either. He wouldn’t not allow it but I don’t get invited to things she’s going to attend. But I think she knows we hang out. That’s fine. Also I feel like if I made a move on him he wouldn’t decline. That’s just a shitty assumption, and I won’t test it.
The truth is, I am very possessive. I have also had many men who are attached make advances towards me. So of course that doesn’t make me trust men as a whole.
but what he saying its not nessary to have an ex as a friend or still contacting them if the relationship was over but ur right if thier only friends u can put trust in bf gf whoever they are to u still being friends with ex its a reason to still contact them if there kids involve depends on age but nothing more just to help them with the kids yeah it depends on thier situation with kids is why they still might contact eacother only for the kids nothing more they current partner should trust bf or gd if no cheating involve
I agree but all u have to do is have trust in ur partner u cant control what ur significant other does but all u can do is communicate/express ur feelings and if it doesnt work then it doesn't work out if it does then ur relationship works out
@@riricarter8050 it sounds like things are not fully platonic but are romantic as well (even if its not sexual it could be romantic)
I like the way you emphasize that you are under no obligation to stay friends with someone after a breakup - or even to accept that you're going to be friends as a pretense. I vividly remember the first time I got the 'friends' talk. I was a senior in high school, and I asked a girl to the prom. She initially said yes, and then a week later - you guessed it - someone else asked her and she ditched me. And of course she bookended the whole thing with a promise that we were going to be wonderful friends for life, and that was pretty much the last time she ever talked to me. Okay, so she was probably about 17, and hardly the first or the last teenage girl to ditch a prom date, and hardly the first or the last to use the 'friends' talk as a way to make herself feel better under the pretense that it was really supposed to make the guy she just casually torpedoed feel better. I can cut her some slack. Further, years later I came to understand that you really can't control whether you're interested in dating someone - I have in fact had girls who expressed feelings for me I didn't have for them. Thing is, though, I never, ever use the 'friends' talk. It's just a lame cop-out, and no one ever says it for any other reason than to make themselves feel better. If you're breaking up with someone, or even just telling someone you don't feel 'that way' about them - do both yourself and the person you're giving the news to a favor and don't ever hit them up with the 'friends' talk. And if someone ever tries to use it on you - just smile and walk away. Believe me, you're not walking away from much.
I don't keep exes as friends and I won't date someone that keeps exes as friends. But I've also never dated a woman that I was friends with and I don't think I would enter into a romantic relationship with a friend.
Edit: I've tried having exes as friends and being with others that kept their exes as friends and it's not what I want in my life. It's easier for me to walk away from a relationship than to fight and be accused of being "controlling".
Omg I can't believe I've found people who think the same way I do! I said that a person being friends with their ex is a red flag on reddit and people came after me calling me insecure and controlling🙄 There was a ton of pickmes trying to justify their partner's close friendship with their ex and how because they allow them to be best friends with their ex they're not insecure and jealous like I am. Do these people even hear themselves? I hope they keep that same energy when their partner cheats on them with their ex they're FrIeNdS with. To be honest being friends with exes sounds messy af and I don't want any parts of it. I have boundaries and I'm not afraid of sticking to them nor will I be shamed out of doing so.
What's insecure to me is staying friends with an ex and secretly hoping that they'll come back to you and suppressing those feelings. I don't want to be second in my own relationship. If a guy is FrIeNdS with his ex, I'm out. It's better to start with a clean slate.
Thanks for everyone commenting on here
You don't have to understand it. Seems to me that most people in the comment section are being judgemental af. Not everyones situations is the same. I'm friends with one ex. We were better as friends. So after realizing that a romantic relationship wasnt for us. We decided to be friends. It took us time to get back to our friendship. But now he's one of my closest friends. Am I supposed to break a friendship with him just because we dated?
@@DeePeeZee And if that works for you, so be it. You chastise others for being judgemental and then pass judgement. The only person I am in control of is myself. Handle your business how you want and I'll handle mine the way I want.
@@doug4974 and that's on period doug.
Got into a relationship with my best friend.
We lasted almost 3 years and recently broke up but we’re still living together.
It’s very sad, and there’s only so much we can do to comfort each other. It doesn’t help that we were pretty dependent on one another for the most part. I don’t want to get back together, and I don’t regret what happened, but I do find myself asking why Is It that we need to go through all of this grief in order to grow?
I miss my friend.
I lived with my ex for two months after breaking up and it was pure torture...
Hopefully you find what you need from the situation
I can never stay friends with an ex simply because that's not how it works also I think it's probably wrong to his future partners as well as mine... Though I can definitely strike a civil conversation if I ever meet em in gathering.
My girl said she's friends with her first love and she said she does not have any feelings for him anymore but they contact almost all the time and I broke up with her
I am obsessed with attachment styles!! It's amazing how much they're able to predict patterns to the extent of even small details.
I'm just starting to look into them because if they are accurate, then it makes sense to be really clues up on them. Your comment has inspired me some more.
@@wanderertatiana2498 if you're interested would definitely recommend reading Love Sense by Sue Johnson. Super easy read and fascinating 👌
Loving the Morticia Addams vibes you are serving in this video Ana!
No shade to people who do, but I could never stay friends with an ex. I guess this could be because I’m most likely an avoidant attachment style, but I always thought it was due to being highly emotional. I’ve had a couple breakups that were very mature and I don’t harbor any negative feelings towards these former partners, but I haven’t talked to either of these people in years and I could never maintain a friendship with them. It would bring up too many emotions and feel like I’m trying to go back to the past
I think it just depends what happened in the relationship, which person broke up first, and if u were close with any of ur exs
Or maybe you're just being mature and accepting that the relationship is over?
@@amuhinamori7082 well she cheated on me, I didnt find out until she left
I resonated with literally every single point you made, well said. Another thing that’s hard for me is abandonment issues, perpetual feelings of loneliness, chronic emptiness, etc. Also just some friends you have for so long it’s hard to let them go even if they are toxic
My ex is my best friend. We grew apart after a few years in the relationship sense, we wanted different things from life! But we still had a lot in common, and had built an unshakeable friendship over the time of our relationship. I'm amazed looking through the comments at how black and white some people see things. Why would you be with a partner you don't trust? What is it that you're insecure about exactly? It's entirely possible for 2 adults who had been involved romantically in the past to be JUST friends. Not everybody lives their life based on past experiences/emotions. Things are always changing and we all grow in different ways throughout the course of our life.
This is one the most emotionally mature comments here. I've seen many people maintain healthy and beneficial relationships with exes. Breakups aren't always catastrophic, sometimes the reason was two people started to feel more like friends than romantic partners anyway. A lot of people in the comments aren't seeing past their own experiences and insecurities. "It didn't work out for me, that makes means it won't work out for anyone."
@@GodIsMyEverythingNow everybody is different! It's okay.
I'm amazed at how naive you are. You must be young.
Those of us who are calm, secure, stoic can tolerate partners having contact with ex partners and have friendships with exs. I'm in my mid thirties and I aint got time to tilt at windmills@@SKBottom
I'm still friends with a few girls I dated. Only the ones that didn't do me wrong. And we ended it on good terms. The ones that were toxic, (cheating narcissistic etc) didn't bother keeping them in my life. Tried to but knew it wasn't going to work with them being so toxic. But of course when I am dating again I don't tend to talk to my exes at all. Unless they message me, they are respectful if I'm in a relationship or dating and so do I if their in a relationship. Wish everyone you came across knew what respect is.
Thank you. I needed this. Respectfulnesses and being a good person helps my own well being.
For me it's simple. Sexuality is detachable. Sometimes you find an amazing emotional bond with a partner, and when you break up, all you are saying is "I no longer want to have babies and grow old with you", that could be caused by a number of reason not related to your chemistry, emotional compatibility, etc. If you find a solid relationship with somebody you no longer want to team up with, as long as your both able to emotionally handle it, why ghost each other? makes no sense.
obviously that is not the problem...
Nope lol
I agree. But I think it could be holding you back from moving forward in life, and it's very hard for jealousy not to appear sometimes. It invites mixed feelings of jealousy, possessiveness, attachment, attraction, etc... and all this confusion is not healthy, sometimes hard to rationalise it.
3:33 as a bisexual person when I break up with other people it had more to do with the fact we were friends BEFORE we dated. That’s how a lot of queer / same sex relationships start. You become friends first realize that you don’t just have platonic feelings for one another and then date. It’s not the same for all queer people but with the majority I’ve dated and met that’s how it goes. So that’s why it’s important to keep the friendship after the breakup. Hope this helps!
yes omg fellow queer person watching this video much later after it came out you are making me feel SEEN a lot of this made me so sad for cishet people tbh
so, this is it? it's all about loving people then dumping them into the garbage just because it didn't work out? i think we cut loose the ones who makes us real bad, the partners that actually are not worthy of keeping around, but most of our partners are people that in some point deserve our trust, we choose them for some reason, now, if you only have terrible partners to remember and all you wanna do is pretend they never existed well, thay may say more about you and the way you choose poeple in you life, and if you can't manage things like romantic feelings and jealousy that's a different story, that's up to you and the development of your ego. mature and well developed persons should come easy with frindship, even more if it is with a person that you had such an intimacy and trust.
Your Morticia Addams vibe in this one is kinda on point. Kudos and thank you!
I actually stayed friends with my last partner, but we decided not to have contact anymore. She was the perfect match at that time, but at one point our staying together as a couple would just hinder each of us in our development and our goals, due to us being at completely different stages of our lifes. We could not just go back and play best friend after being so close and intimate with each other. And even though that I wish for her to find someone who's even way better than me, I guess I could not bear witnessing her with someone else while being her friend. So we each went our own paths, but still hold each other and our friendship dear into our hearts. I know if I ever need anything I could contact her and she would be there for me, as I am there for her.
Staying friends with an ex is usually a bad sign for your current partner. Either you haven't moved on or you weren't that much invested in your previous relationship, which means you likely won't be invested in this one either. There are probably some exceptions, but as a general rule it's bad.
I attempted to make amends with my ex and be friends with him- with absolutely no malicious intentions- but he started being sketchy about it and was essentially cheating on his then-girlfriend with me. Then he gaslit me online saying I was coming onto him when he was the one suggesting we do stuff behind his girlfriend's back. Lol. Never doing that again.
@@vanyakalinka8305 she was thinking of how she could have him as a fwb
@@kenseisato1989 lol i was seventeen and a virgin. he went and got another girl pregnant eventually while he was still with his girlfriend.
@@maikanazareno7682 sheesh😐🙆🏽♂️
Maybe you and your ex were both wrong
You're so well spoken!
He’s not even my ex. We just can’t be a couple.
Anyway we have no contact now. I still strived to stay friends and we were good friends in the beginning. Also I didn’t really mind him falling for someone else. Yet after a while I started to understand why it’s better to be strangers, Like how he avoided me after realizing we weren’t meant for each other.
If You love a person , for some reasons you separate, the attachments will linger. When one feel lonely, people are likely to seek some memories back. People can hardly strike a balance.
Like you have sweet dreams, but the sweetness for now will leave you ponder why just staying sober seems to be so tough.
There’s nothing wrong with the recollections. In reality, we aren’t allowed to ask for more, which is unacceptable sometimes. We just can’t put rewind.
Staying away from loved people we can’t be with is painful; nevertheless, in the grand scheme of things, it’s healthier.
I am friends with (most) of my exes because they are cool people. A lot of people seem to believe they have to hate their exes.
No, most healthy people do not believe that you need to hate your exes. Many healthy people may even feel many positive emotions for an ex-partner, for example, admiration or tenderness for the good things that they shared as a couple. But they are also mature enough to understand that having these emotions - which are perfectly normal - does not mean that it is wise or necessary to hang on to that same ex-lover once the relationship is over. They know that hanging onto the past may well keep them from fully moving forward into the future. they also realize that maintaining a bond with an ex-lover is unfair on and disrespectful to any future partner that they may have, not to mention their ex-lover's new partner, and is very likely to cause problems in a new relationship. So, yes, no matter how 'cool' that person is, they bite the bullet and move on...
@@suzy1750 your first sentence says "no, most HEALTHY people do not believe you have to hate your exes" and I never mentioned healthiness at all which completely changes the meaning of the sentence. I had to check to see if you were actually responding to me because it seems so unrelated. I hope you see what I mean.
@@CDLatin No, I don't see what you mean - my response was on point. I'm not sure what you are confused about to be honest. But if you still think the response is 'unrelated' let me put it this way - people who are emotionally healthy do not believe that you need to hate an ex - hating people in general is not healthy unless they are truly awful people. Emotionally healthy people simply understand that remaining involved with ex-lovers will often prevent them from moving on quickly and definitely be unfair on future partners as well as detrimental to future relationships. I hope that makes it more clear? Either way, it doesn't matter, I really can't make it any more clear. :) Be well.
again. I never mentioned anything about people being healthy.
Just because you cut them off or just keep it cordial. Doesn't mean you hate them. The chapter is closed move on! Yall just cowardly lol!
I agree that communicating with ur partner about their boundaries or crossing the line in the relationship is important but I personally experienced that staying friends with ex can hurt ur relationship when an ex tries to ruin the relationship with the new person u moved on too that's where it crosses the line for the ex not the lover
I tried to be friends with my last ex because I was able to switch my feelings for him off and compartmentalism a friendship. He was an anxious attachment style and I could see how much pain it caused to even offer a friendship because to him, that meant I was no longer interested romantically. Looking back now I understand where I didn’t at the time.
Very thorough! Really enjoyed the broad scope of this discussion.
I appreciate your analysis of the reasons one might remain friends with their ex. Very well developed thesis and very consistent
I was just thinking about this topic and you made a video on it! Amazing! Thanks for all the useful information! ☺
This video is really helpful!! Especially the last part on us watching this video is 💯
Thank you! ❤️
my ex contacted me 2 days ago wanted to be friends. he tried being friends before but i wasn't ok with it and i don't think he'll ever get that i will never be ok w it because he's a selfish, man-child. i can't hold on to people that make me feel bad. that just slows down the spiritual path i've chosen for myself. lame.
Summed it up for me.
I rate this channel a 10/10
if my bf is friends with his ex he gotta go i’m not gonna tell him who he can and can’t be friends with but i’m not gonna deal with that , there’s no man i’d trust enough with another woman especially not a woman you used to be involved with and for some reason can’t let go
Forget the study. Everybody knows what the game is. If they’re keeping their ex (backup plan) around, do not hang around. If they bring one back in to their life, do not hang around. However you figure it out, always draw the line. Not only is it far easier to have sex with someone you have previously, there is emotional attachment from one, the other or both. They will lie to you, they will lie to themselves that it’s nothing. Ask yourself how they see you when they’re willing to knowingly put themselves in that situation when they’re with you.
Rule 1: Don't try to be friends with your ex. Your future partner is always, always going to question the nature of your relationship. And they should. Cut and run. You left him/ her for a reason, and it's dishonest to hold that person close for the bump in self-esteem, or for a "friend." Cut and run. Your future partner isn't lacking self-esteem for questioning your relationship with your ex, he/ she is smart.
Preach!
Finally, a smart person with a high emotional quotient
I think that's bollocks. Relationships are not only valuable because of their status, and ofc the partner is insecure if they think that being friends with an ex is a problem. If the partner thinks that being friends with an ex is a reason to suspect cheating or their partner might go back, maybe the relationship wasn't supposed to be from the start. I think it's a good sign if a person is friends with their ex as it might show that they value friendship, which for me is the most important part of any relationship.
@@michan8093 or the more obvious point, if you feel that strongly about remaining connected to your ex, then you should probably try to make that relationship work again if it’s possible? Once there’s been a romantic connection, you can’t ever just “go back” to however it was before that happened. But if you want to rekindle a relationship, just be honest about it
@@hannahberlinpetry450 Hmm. I just believe that's an oversimplification of human relationships. Ppl form and experience relationships differently.
If you start a relationship from a friendship etc. there is already an established connection that you add intimacy, responsibilities and boundaries to. If a part of it breaks down or doesn't work out it doesn't mean other parts of the relationship are not still intact or even stronger.
I just think of it like becoming roomates with your friends. Maybe you'll realize that you are not fitted to live together but still stay friends after living together, maybe you start hating each other or maybe you like living together alright but situationally it doesn't work out.
Obviously part ways if the friendship impacts you negatively!
I think we just have different ways of viewing relationships in general, probably due to being in different cultural environments. This is just what I wanted to point out, that not staying friends is not a good rule for everyone.
Never date someone who is friends with their ex
It's usually a red flag when someone is friends with their ex, it means there's still a connection and feelings between them and there is a possibility of them getting together even if it's just a one-night stand.
Or they might talk about you when problems arise. Not good.
They probably already have if that's what it's about
the topics you talk about are super helpful
I'm friends with an ex I consider my first real connection.
We are genuinely friends now, however we needed to take a 2+ years break from speaking to each other to develop into different people who can be friends. It helped that the relationship wasn't toxic when it happened, and that we were friends to begin with.
Damn, that long? I broke up 2 months ago and already want to be friends, however I cant. We decided to take some distance because its too recent (and Im still in love). But I love her as a person so I would definitely be her friend in the future, but 2 years seems like a lot :((
So pumped for this vid
I like this straight to the point
This is one of my fave channels.
Relationships are just short term experiences these days anyways. Lifelong relationships are history.
carlos looks like one cool dude I hope he finds love one day whether thats from working things up with his ex or finding new love. ps amazing vids full of insightfull knowledge thank you ! keep up the good work and so on
I love the drawings, they’re so cute
This video, this topic, these comments took me for an emotional roller coaster ride. I didn’t expect that tonight. 🙃 Very engaging.👍
this is irrelevant but one of my best friends came to me for advice recently and after our talk, she said i was so knowledgable and asked how i managed to be so calm, i told her its bc ur videos are rubbing off on me XD i told her to watch ur videos they help me understand myself and the world a lot better
I want to stay friends with my ex so that I can take her places we always wanted to go, to see her laugh and smile, to hear more of her jokes and original observations. I am in love with her and have so much room in my life for her. Our relationship felt unstable because I expressed doubts and couldn't forgive myself, nor could she forgive me. Right up until the week before we broke up we had such passion and fun together. I was so happy.
I don't see any problem with being friends with an ex, but I think it's only possible if enough time has passed after the breakup
I think it's fine if a couple years have passed. But being friends right after breaking up will definitely end badly because feelings take a while to fade away
My bf and I just broke up 2 days ago and it's funny how Anna just dropped this video now lol. I don't know what will happen as we still try to see what is best for us. Personally, I would like to stay friends who occasionally talk as he was a valuable person to me. But I understand we had different relationship and future desires, and I hope he will find someone who shares his and I find someone who shares mine.
I seriously hope he declined
Thank you for this video! I recently stopped seeing this guy I really liked because he was best friends with his ex and they hung out often. I couldn't wrap my brain around why anyone would want to be close friends with their ex until I saw this video although my personal take is you can be cordial with an ex, but you don't have to be friends.
This was very insightful thank you
Seems like I'm in the minority on this one but I've stayed friends with both of my exes (1.5 years in high school, 4.5 years in uni + domestic together). The second breakup was definitely the most painful, and we had the unusual situation of living together for 3 months post-breakup, but we now have a really strong friendship. I'm in a new relationship and my new partner is also friends with his ex. Seems to be more common with LGBT people, as was pointed out in the study.
I could not stay friends with exes. Imagine them flashing their new guy before me, and that I have to act as if nothing ever happened between me and the ex. That's narcissistic triangulation and I don't want anything to do with that.
before watching this video. my take on people who feel like they need to still be friends with an ex are either just not sexually connected to that person anymore but enjoy their company or have attachment issues and don't want to deal with the void of losing the presence of that person.
There’s a quote that says :
“If two past lovers can remain friends either they never was really in love or they still are”
or “someone is still in love or wants a second chance”
Personally if you’re mature and secure, enough time has past and it ended amicably it’s possible especially if you have a business together or kids. You shouldn’t be constantly hanging out especially if you have a partner. Gay partners work well on keeping friendship not so well on heterosexual.
Other wise I wouldn’t recommend as it can keep you from fully moving on and problems in future relationships which is not worth. Or it’s for narcissistic reasons or your possibly insecure.
Exactly. If it stops you from moving on, then you need to distance yourself. Until you don‘t pine after them anymore.
But if You broke up amicably? Already we’re friends before, and can just go back to how things where before any kind of romantic stuff happened.
"Gay partners work well on keeping friendships not so well with hetero"... that's an example of socially ingrained expectations of monogamy and heteronormativity. There's no science that says hetero relationships are more emotionally involved or more "complicated" by nature.
If someone was genuinely good company, honest, and kind to you, why waste something that was good and where you came across some good luck? You're not doing it because you're scared to be alone, and you're stringing them along. Sometimes you do it because you genuinely made a friend, and you like their company. Not because you're in love with their company, or still want to be intimate with it.
My ex was long distance, and the idea of permanently removing each other from our lives didn't seem appealing. But staying together romantically was problematic.
I love my ex very much for who he is, but even when we were dating, deep down, I knew we weren't meant to be. He has qualities I know I don't want in a romantic partner. So I'm not worried, and my future bf shouldn't be worried. I really rather have somebody else.
I'm still stoked over having a new good friend, though. Not bummed out over a "downgrade." It doesn't seem like a downgrade to me. Friendships seem just as, (if not more so rewarding) than romantic relationships to me.
This should be useful for my future relationships.
This has been a very informative video. Thank you for your feedback.
Being friendly, and staying friends are totally different things. People who stays "friends" with their ex often have low self esteem. They need someone to fall back on if the new thing doesnt work out.
Always variables and situations. My ex was a childhood friend I have known since I was 14 and our families have known each other as far back as I can remember . Got together in our 20s and we were together 6 years as a couple. When we split we don’t really meet up anymore but we text and communicate. We have both moved on amicably but we update each other on what the other has been up to. Just being cordial and supportive as friends because we are both busy with our careers.
I missed the thought of feeling loved by someone, even though I’m not sure if I had that at all.
I've tried contacting my exes before regarding just basic stuff like school research. Even then I could feel some tension. Sometimes the memories and feelings come back and you just feel conflicted being around them. That's why I won't feel comfortable if my partner is friends with her ex or past crush even.
I've been able to make friendship work . I also ended up deciding to ghost my last ex because I made too many serious mistakes. Initially, I was the person she left for her ex and it was really messed up how it ended up happening. There was like a year long phase where things were complicated before we went our separate ways and both sort of squashed the beef we had over how we both felt wronged. Over years, we eventually started talking a little and I even got her to help me figure out how it is that I apparently push people away (I do). But we both made the mistake of exploring our old feelings and sharing them, and boundaries got blurred. I eventually found out that I always made her current partner insecure, and I was still a source of conflict for them and she basically regretted her whole decision but it was too late to reverse it. I thought it over and , it seemed like I couldn't really have a healthy reason for continuing what I was doing so I decided I just had to stop.
Nothing more disrespectful to your current partner than being friends with your ex. Disgusting. Instant dealbreaker
Sounds like u r the problem
Unrelated to the topic: Holy guacamole you look fire today! (as always) I love your makeup and outfit. Your channel is really nice and have provided me with a lot of healthy perspectives. Thank you Anna! Have a nice day
Weak-minded individuals for those who would remain friends with an ex. There is no actually benefit reason to remain friends, at the end work on yourself and be happy with yourself. Only you can control your own life being not anyone else, don’t let the conscious of remaining with an ex is actually doing anything good because at the end it won’t serve you any purpose.
I like my exes. They're good people. That's why I'm still friends with them. I'm the godfather of the child of one of my exes.
i'm in this situation, as someone who wants to stay friends with her ex.
First of all, we dated for a span of two months and it never became anything more than a situationship. And that happened 2 years ago. She reached out to me to talk about the stuff that happened (cause she dumped me for someone else) and after a deep talk (in person), we both realised that we used each other as rebounds and that we both just had mistaken a strong, platonic connection as a romantic connection. it's like coming back to a best friend that you havent seen in years, without the urge to be intimate or romantic. And being around her (we're only around each other in group settings) made me realise that i really value her as a great friend who i can talk to about anything and who i can just have fun with, like all my other friends.
We're also both in relationships now (A little over a year now for me) and I couldnt be happier with the person that i'm with rn. So, I'm conflicted about what I should do because my partner has a bit of an issue with me seeing my "ex", even though I made an effort to get them to meet her and to talk to her to initiate clear, honest conversations. (with me around ofc) So, what should I do?
I also wanna add that I carry deep friendship trauma with me (from bullying and friends betraying me ALWAYS up to age 18), so losing friends who i even feel the smallest connection to hurts me deeply, especially when it wasn't my decision. at this point i'm no contact with my ex, for my partner's sake. but now i feel uncomfortable with this situation and it feels like i've lost control over my personal life when it comes to who i can be friends with and i just dont react well to that at all. (I would react the same way if my partner told me to stop being friends with any of my friends. It has almost happened before)
I have never clicked so fast
For reaaaal though I stopped what I was doing
I wonder how different the results of this study would be if the pandemic was factored in.
Ex: -The current dating atmosphere in the midst of lockdowns and closures.
-The increase in loneliness during isolation periods (especially for extroverted people).
-Virtual hangouts and the inability to meet people in real life given varying safety regulations.
Something to consider.
Although we are in a pandemic, there will still be people who go for hookups. Personally, I think that irresponsible behaviour will still be around sadly
Allot of people broke up in the pandemic including me
Just move on it’s best for both of you long term
amazing insight
I'm friends with one of my exs. Have been for a very long time. It was difficult in the beginning, but as time went by and we mellowed out, things became much easier. Casually hanging out with each other and each other's friends. This is something I feel that is quite unusual, but it works.
We were very good friends before the relationship, both introverts, agreeable characters, broke up on good terms due to practical differences turning our romantic relationship toxic. I’m not sure if we’ll stay friends long term, e.g. when he finds another partner and that person being possibly jealous and also because I’m moving out of the country.
verdict: don't
Thanks, so helpful
Ana...you are absolutely on point about this !
Hi ana, thanks a lot for sharing this knowledge of yours with us, recently ive been struggling with making my partner go to therapy since he has anger issues, hope you see this in a near future and help the people that is in my exact same place, how to make your partner go to therapy
I'm friends with most of my exes. They're someone i have spent a part of my life with and who i know deeply. I don't see them everyday of course, we talk from time to time, occasionally hang out... They were important in my life and i care about them. Once the relationship ends and the feelings have settled and ended, i am incapable of feeling anything romantic for them, and they have went on with their lives and are in the same situation. In most of my break ups we had a mutual understanding that there just wasn't anything left to do, and that's the truth. But they're still valuable people who haven't done me wrong, things just turned out like that and it's natural. I don't have to cross them out of my life just because we used to be a couple, i hope nothing but good things for them and i'm glad when I hear they are doing well.
Inviting someone is easy but doesn't mean going to that wedding is easy emotionally. It's just something that happens because people don't get married straight out of high school anymore. It's healthy and mature to let go of an ex and nobody should pressure you otherwise.
I looove your drawings!! ^^