Codependents Mistake Breadcrumbs For a Piece of Bread
Вставка
- Опубліковано 16 тра 2024
- In this video, Ross Rosenberg, M.Ed., LCPC, CADC, uses bread as a metaphor for love, respect, care, and trust (LRCT), to explain why codependents or Self-Love Deficients (SLDs) are raised in such a way to accept “breadcrumbs” of LRCT and not feel deserving or worthy of a full “piece of bread.”
After a childhood in which the SLD develops attachment trauma, they develop romantic relationships, often with pathological narcissists, who continue to deprive them of LRCT and further strengthen their gaslit beliefs that they are not deserving of having the LRCT reciprocated. As a result, the SLD reassures themselves they are “full” despite only receiving “breadcrumbs,” but the reality is, they are “starving.”
ABOUT ROSS ROSENBERG
Ross Rosenberg, M.Ed., LCPC, CADC is a psychotherapist, educator, expert witness, and celebrated author. He is also a global thought leader and clinical expert in codependency, trauma, pathological narcissism, narcissistic abuse, and addictions.
Ross's pioneering codependency contributions are responsible for the sweeping theoretical and practical updates and developing a treatment program that permanently resolves it.
Ross has been featured on national TV and radio and is a regular radio and podcast guest. In addition, he has traveled the world, giving his one-of-a-kind keynote presentations and educational workshops.
His global impact is best illustrated by his UA-cam channel with 23 million views and 255,000 subscribers and the sale of 155,000 Human Magnet Syndrome books published in 12 languages.
In 2013, Ross created The Self-Love Recovery Institute, a hub for his personal development, workshops, professional training, retreats, other programs, and services. Learn more at www.SelfLoveRecovery.com.
Facebook.com/TheCodependencyCure)
Instagram (@rossrosenberg_slri)
Twitter (@RossRosenberg1)
and now…TikTok! (@RossRosenberg1)
#love #respect #care #codependency #narcissism #narcissist #narcissisticabuse #covertnarcissist #covertnarcissism #rossrosenberg #therapy #codependent #selflovedeficitdisorder #selflovedeficient #SLDD #trauma #gaslight #gaslighting #abuse #toxicrelationship #relationships - Розваги
It just occurred to me that the more we settle for crumbs the more we think that that is a full loaf. And then when something or someone healthy comes along it’s easy to feel engulfed.
You get used to not getting your needs met
You stop asking and just go along to get along
You tolerate
You learn to do without
Deprivation
Deprived
Withheld
Starving in Silence
I just have realised im a co dependant and i was starved of love, affection, from my ex narcissistic husband. I was neglected as he was giving his affection to his mother, sisters , brother frriends. Our children suffered too they got breadcrumbs from their father too.
We were future faked constantly and the goal posts changed consistently too.
Grew up with magical thinking that has affected much of my adulthood in so many areas. The last relationship with not only a narcissist but a sociopath really opened my eyes to get help for attachment trauma. Highly abusive situation for 6 months, but I cried out to the Lord and he delivered me from the situation. The ex wasn’t only a narc, a sociopath (which I didn’t know what that was at the time) but he was also a conman. As God as my helper healing and recovery is near ❤
Nice to hear you put God in your story. I did also. First Mr. Ross book, YT videos, therapy and now deliverance, Bible and praying to Jesus. Let me say my life is an abundance. Mentally, spirituality, financially and …
Narcissistic abuse treated right makes your life A Life!🤸♀️
How??
Wow similar stories, never knew or even heard the word narc and then I found out God was real!
I feel shame when I receive bread instead of bread crumbs-- I don't feel like I deserve it and I feel guilty for taking it.
Seek therapy. Really.
I read Melody Beattie’s book on Codependency in the 80s and it made me sweat. I recognized myself to be an extreme people pleaser even before then. My first marriage crashed and I felt relieved but I was love bombed into my next marriage and she was far worse. I believe she was part psychopath and part BPD. She tortured me and nearly crushed me. I’m married to a bipolar woman who crashed about ten years ago but is now on meds. Both my sons (first marriage) have had horrible relationships.
At this point in my life, I am experiencing flashbacks and dreams about my early childhood and my parents and how they raised my brother and I. My brother is a stone-cold narcissist. He sometimes borders on psychopathic. He’s charming and always lived off the many women in his life.
I wish I could afford a therapist that understands this
Keep reading up and watching good stuff like this video. Make time for yourself, while getting rid of distractions and give meditation a go. Positive affirmations before bed and upon waking Amanda K is pretty accurate when she says “the best ones are free”. I have had quite a few narcs’ in my own road to recovery, who work in the mental health industry. However, there are quite a few diamonds-in-the-rough, too. On the flip side; sometimes you have to pay for quality and Ross has some really good stuff on YT. He is as authentic as they come, so here would be a good starting point.
Do the initial work by yourself and then seek out a therapist. You will intuitively know what you are dealing with after a hour. Their cognitive empathy is painful to watch and devoid of any true feeling. It is so, so so so so! tough dealing with this stuff, and I know what you are going through.
All the best.
Wow! I do believe that's why I bite my nails at 70 years old. Thanks for the heads up! 😁❤️🙏
And instead of wanting and seeking more food, they choose the safety of being hungry versus the danger of asking for more food. 10:31
You hit the nail on the head with this quote. Wow.
I'm rewatching this. I'm in tears.
This is so accurate.
I had a dream last night about a child with a mother. The mother wasn't feeding the child a proper diet. The child acted like an infant. The child couldn't feed themselves because they didn't know how, nor had the energy. The food that the mother gave the child was also nutrient deficient. The child believed that he/she couldn't find food on its own. They were too weak.
This video hits on a different level.
Your my hero Ross, no joking aside you nailed it in this presentation
…. Thank you….. I started the recovery journey 7 years ago because of your expertise you have kindly passed on. Happy to say I have not dated a narcissist in 7 years but focused on loving myself. 3 marriages and 2 narc boyfriends nearly destroyed me. Who ever is reading this, you do not need to accept crumbs from a potential mate, sister, friend, parent, boss, anyone, you are enough just the way you are today ❤️❤️❤️
In 2020 I came back into the family fold, my mom is a narcissist, father also. I really thought that they changed after a period of no contact from them. That they changed because they were afraid of losing me again. That was my brain on self-love deficit. Now I see them for who they truly are. Not only that they didn't change but they became worse with age. It's NC all over again because, as you said, Ross, you can't expect these narcissists to give you the whole bread when all they ever gave you is bread crumbs.
They never change. When you return after a period of no contact they see this as capitulation and revel in their victory.
For me, this has been the perfect metaphor to describe Codependency! I've recently gotten out of a diet. The less I ate, the less I felt I needed to eat. Sometimes I would feel fatigued and I'd try to come up with any explanation to understand this other than accepting that I was underfed.
It reached a point where what were my usual portions a month or two ago felt like they were literally stretching my stomach, and these portions just felt too large to consume!
I feel like I've always known I've suffered from Codependency, even before I had the definition for it. I've once told an intelligent, romantic partner I had "Don't overfeed me with love, it'll overwhelm me" and it did! Two months after uttering those words I broke up with my partner whose presence eventually felt soo suffocating it was unbearable. His response to our break up: Allow yourself to be loved.
After that I got involved with a borderline whose breadcrumbs felt intoxicating! I would defend this person to my friends, and even with myself. Its clear now how delusional I was. I kept sensing that there was something about the way I was being treated that felt so deeply familiar and nostalgic. This is what I was taught love was!
I go through everything you mentioned; the physical manifestation of the trauma that is trapped in my body; I feel it in my hips on most nights, and sometimes on my back and neck. It's inexplicable, but it's getting better. After coming across your content and getting your book, I sent a very clear message to the Borderline to stay as far away from me as possible, and it worked! I did reverse hoover myself twice when the loneliness became unbearable, but I can say I'm truly healing from that now and moving forward.
I am embarking on this never before experienced journey of self love and discovery with the help of my therapist, and it's beautiful. My energy levels have sky rocketed! My posture is different. I'm no longer a target for emotional vampires, and my narcissist sensor is as sharp as ever. The stories I tell myself have changed, I'm working on my cPTSD!
I am mostly working on this alone, but to catch this at the age of 21 and be working through it has been an extremely challenging and rewarding journey so far. I reach out to friends on a daily basis and I understand that I am deserving of love, compassion, and the right to protect my peace!
You're my hero Ross. Everytime I take steps backwards, I revisit your channel and book to remind myself where I'm supposed to be headed. I refuse to live a life that will be overtaken by narcs. Living two decades tolerating one has been two decades long enough!
All the best to you. I hope you stay strong and focussed, and can be compassionate to yourself if you stray now and agaim. Thank you for sharing.
I❤🎉
Wow, what a epic journey so far and your 21, I feel you will have a shoot successful life snd healthy love will find you because you love yourself now. All the best. 💗
I experienced limerence with my narc family system. I truly believed my narc mother, brother cared about me - almost 50 yrs later I see the situation for what it is/was. My enabler father died 5 yrs ago. My narc mother was abusive towards him until the end. I walked away from my "family" 4 yrs ago. I live with C-PTSD.
Hi doctor. I've been following you since 2014. Thank you for all your videos.
Oliver Twist is a great example of your message
Thx 4 sharing
Thank you Ross. This is so eye-opening. I'm glad I found your videos. ❤
😕 Hitting the nail on the head. Thank you Dr. Rosenberg.
After a decade of giving and more giving my narc bought me an expensive gift. The “gift”came after another silent treatment episode. No different than a physically abusive partner sending flowers after abuse. Today I’m grateful to not fall for or desire that kind of dysfunction relationship ❤❤❤
Best analogy for codependent expectations. Thank you 🙏🏾💕
Ross, you have the most amazing way of describing this experience - and, yet, I have relived it day after day, week after week, and month after month. God bless us all 🙏✝️💝
Its all too true. Just very devastating. Im 58yrs, and 3 failed marriages later, I realise now why. My Childhood trauma is a very serious condition and not easy to fix. I am however being aware/mindful of so many human behaviours and, Im seeing things about myself and others that Ive been warned about. Alot of repressed emotions are coming up and Im dealing with them. Anger being one of them. I will know Im healed when nothing of the past triggers me nor hurts me. I will know Im healed when I can see a proper wholesome human being and not psychos, narcissists and misogynists everywhere.
Its the weirdest thing that all my life I was that little hamster running on the treadmill doing the best that I believed AND suddenly bam!!!.. I have realised what I have been doing isnt wrong BUT I have been doing it with the WRONG person. I really never knew a person could be wrong. Always believed if you do good, right to a person they are bound to be good right back.
Nope, the narc is NEVER like you, doesn't interpret life like you.
What a lie I have believed. If you do ANYTHING for a narc, they WILL instead turn on you without fail and you WILL suffer immensely for all the good effort you put into the relationship.
We are the products of our environments but the moment you know how to change your environment, you dont need to repeat the terrible toxic patterns any longer.
Thanks Ross for all your knowledge you impart to your audience. Thanks for helping me feel better about myself too.
Thank you Ross, for saving showing me the direction that save me from BPD wife to some extent.
ROSS, AGAIN THANK YOU SO VERY VERY MUCH AGAIN, YOU ARE SO WONDERFUL !!!!!!!!!!
New here..
Dad was borderline.
One sister borderline personality disorder.
Narcissistic brother younger and only bro. And another sister lots young than me. Im oldest. We grew up in a cult. Our parents joined when I was 4. I still remember our last Christmas. No more or any other holidays or birthdays. Like we were no longer important enough to celebrate the day we were born. I hated that religion so much I couldn’t wait to leave home. Left at 17 & got married.
Hahaha that failed, my parents converted him. He was drafted into War and went to prison instead, conscience objector. I ran!!!!! Again! I was determined to make it on my own then met a man just done with his time overseas fighting that stupid war. We’ve been together 55 yrs since we met. Married 53 last Nov. He’s the best! Ups and downs but we sacrificed and worked hard for each other to be our best.
Now my siblings and family is a whole chapter in my book of life that’s been very difficult. My man has helped me get through. Our son has PhD in psychology. Our daughter a teacher.
Our daughter married a narcissistic abusive person. It was so hard for her to get rid of him.
I have always wondered why these things happen. My hubby and I had suspicions he was not who he said he was. After first they had our first grandchild things started really getting bad. Then another babe. He couldn’t hold a job. His temperament. My daughter asked if I could care for children as she could see he was not liking to but was obsessive. We loved taking care of them and are ver close to them all these years. Oldest grandson is now 20 and granddaughter graduated yesterday. We are so proud of them.
When they were younger teens they told their Mom that were done with their father and wanted him gone. Grandson had to get between and protect Mom. It took her 6 month to get him out after divorce final. 4 yrs ago. Now our son, 52, is divorced. We are sad to see our kids marriages were so not good.
Life is so full of questions. I wish I had studied psychology but became a hairstylist and owned my own salon. It took lots psychology to run a salon full of women and 1 barber! Lololo!
We adored him, picked on him, teased! We had a great time with funny people of all kinds. I loved my clients and they are still close friends to this day. They helped me understand all kinds of folks. I think I had some natural instincts to guide people to get helps along the way. I had people thank me for insights to what abuse was as I lived it as a kid. I must have been tough because I wouldn’t allow a second try at it! I screamed and ran every time and told on them. It saved me from more torment but then it severed my trust in certain people.
Trust is earned..
Trust is gutt feeling and trust it! It has saved me so many times. I totally believe in gutt feelings! God blessed me with it!
I’m a strong believer along time but not the way I was raised.
I loved my Bible as a kid . But I wanted to discover it in freedom. No one telling me this is the way no that’s the way! I research and researched. It led me to Gods Word with no religion denomination just several that just taught Scripture simply. God’s Grace is simply for me. Free to believe!
Now we live in a society that discriminates everything and thinks what’s best for them is the way it has to be. You can no longer hold to what one believes is true for you. I now have to accept what they says is what goes…… another cult mentality controlling the masses. I just hope we are not lost to this messed up thinking, everyone’s becoming a narcissist it seems. Who we are, is trying to be erased off the map.
Just my thoughts here….
Hey Ross.. You always hit the nail, right on the head, smashing it out of the park.. Yes, it's baseball season. Like it says, "When the pain of remaining the same is greater than that of change, one changes." What part of the Tango are you viewing..?
Thank you so much for this video.
I get it now. I did not have LRCT as a kid as my childhood was also difficult. I have mistaken breadcrumbs for a piece of bread the whole time before my awakening I had from being scapegoated. I need to start practicing self-love now to fully recover from being a SLDD myself. Thank you, Mr. Rosenberg, for enlightening me with this information!
This explains so much for me, wow. TY ❤
Excellent analogy!
Aka giving to get is delusional ~Over giving is under receiving
Dr. Ross, today you made me cry.
Thank you, Ross. This is excellent
Very good one Ross.
Wow great analogy’s ! So resonating! Ty
I thought the world was magical. I’m 60 now and I think “why bother?”
There are some good ones out there. Smile and be seen!
Brilliant Ross
Children are pure innocent selfless unconditional love ❤
How true
Definitely 🤗
I had a short intense relationship with someone and I tried to set boundaries and that didn't go well and I feel attached. I am an anxious person by nature so I believe I am a codependent. 😔
Brilliant ❤Thanks Ross.
Im leaning into Isiah 61. Beauty for Ashes. Binding up the core shame for a double portion. For God came to bind up the broken hearted & heal their wounds.
Its definitely taken me to a far closer walk with God.
Its been an addiction to love from man
Instead of from God.
I believe its demonic spirit in them now that rages whenever i put myself 1st to heal.
These breadcrumbing tactics can amplify as its been a covert narcissist I met online ; all the horrors amplify. The devalue & discard even more punishing together with gaslighting; by removing all our chats & his photos.
Its as Unreal a "thing" not even a relationship; just like my unseen attachmrmt trauma God is healing.
Ross. Ive been going through step by step untangling myself from Sociopathic older sibling who has all the Power in narc family. I grey rock with mom but she is toxic, a lier and an informant for him. She allows him to control me to keep me in place to be old age carer while he has the easy life.. I left the country My brother has children and parents are afraid of saying anything to him could risk ever seeing their grandkids again.. This guy is obsessed with Power. In the 5 years i was around his kids, i saw him kiss his daughter once and it looked soooo weird!!!
Has never done anything in his life, graduate highschool, start a business.. he lost weight by getting an operation.. and THIS is the Power holder. You wouldnt believe how much i have achieved while him always trying to side swipe me while covertly making me think like he cares. These people are parasites .. nothing less
Video PLEASE. How to begin early preperation for siblings in financial precedings as they will try to steal from us. He did my moms Power of attorney etc.. all while ive never known anything about it. Pathological addiction to control.. its sickening how pathetic and insecure they are beyond a level very few can imagine.
Now that im aware of this it does show on people faces that have this behavior. Its just sad. I have a lot of compassion for. Them now.
I ,,2nd that wow made me cry
this is true i would be emaciated at the end
spiritually and physically
Please someone read this. I have gone through all of the 9 stages of what happens when you leave a cluster B personality but all the way up to the final stand now, being replaced.. I am TERRIFIED of being replaced. Giving up 8 whole years. All our memories. I have even been suicidal myself but I was kicked and punched before retaliating myself and for a few more weeks my BPD partner acted like the total victim as if I had always been this way and was waiting for a reason and it just stunned me. I was accused of things for weeks I had nothing to do with and I would lose sleep, literally, because I was recorded sleeping. I already have so few friends.. This has been my best friend and worst enemy, perfectly loving me and perfectly judging and criticizing me. I am terrified unlike my BPD partner that I will ever find love again at 36. What is wrong with me? Why am I being so obsessive? Am I the narcissist? I was called this SO much and my brain would just shut down and I would be so confused and I critically analyzed myself and looked up all the signs and God, some of them I fit so I would freak out inside. I wasn't perfect in our relationship but.. when I left.. I had peace again for a whole month and now.. Just why does it now feel like I have thrown my life away?
First, I’m sorry you went through this ordeal, but you will no doubt learn so much about yourself and other people. The highs and lows of being in a toxic relationship is addictive. There is no other way to put it. You are addicted to toxicity and the only way to break free is to remember who you are or want to be, remember who the other person REALLY is and not dwell on the “good times”, and most of all decide what kind of relationship you want. This is YOUR life. You get to decide who is worthy to be in it. But you have to first rebuild your self love and become a person you like and respect. It can take years to get over someone you feel bonded with, but it’s usually because you are fixated on the early days when you were love bombed and put on a pedestal. You want so badly to go back there. You have to accept what is real vs what was manipulation. What helped me was making a list of all the ways the toxic person hurt me and asking myself “why do I want to be with someone who treats me this way? Why do I think I deserve to be with someone like this?” It could be your background, your family, etc. Accept the toxic person for who they are. Accept yourself as someone who needs to work on your own self love. Accept that you cannot fix anyone else. You can’t love them into treating you better. You can’t love them into wellness. You can only decide love yourself, reparent yourself and fine tune your idea of what love looks like.
@@PaperMario64 First off, I love your username. Paper Mario is such a fun game, haha. I love the original, TTYD and even Origami King. That being said, thank you greatly for your input. I have been so stuck on hearing back from this person. She has BPD and a drug addiction and is currently in rehab. Before I left, it was the worst it has ever been and I have had many times where I felt like I need to leave and so I would but never totally because I just wanted her to change. Sometimes she would show a lot of effort in her own BPD recovery and it would give me hope. Nothing was consistent, unfortunately. I think I was somewhere between trying to have boundaries and totally caving in to her wants or needs. If I expressed needs or wants, I was guilted for it later or there was always a price to pay or some kind of balance for the gesture.. I rarely got something for nothing. The thing is now though.. I have finally left and I am absolutely obsessed with hearing from her and I fear I won't. We have a son together. I want to remind her of all we have fought for. I was shaking when I realized I had missed calls from her at the rehab but it comes as a restricted number and is blocked automatically so I frantically undid the reject unknown numbers setting and reached out and left two messages to call me and I have run so many scenarios through my head.
Commondog, watch all Ross’s videos there are so many helpful ones, seeing a therapist if you can ask your dr for a referral and building yourself up learning to love yourself will help you see you are worth it and do not need to be in a relationship atm to be happy. Your young and you will love again when you learn to love yourself. All the best, you can do this.
@@commondog3956 study up on grieving. Your grieving what you think you need and you totally don’t, it’s very very difficult to unpick from this toxic relationship and it sounds like your obsession is something going on with you that you haven’t faced. Take your power back and build yourself up and realise you can be alone and stop this insanity. I have been where you are and it’s awful and difficult. One day at a time and speak to people you trust and let her go atm and work on herself atm as you are not helping her or yourself. You can do this!
Wow, I just wanted to say I feel so much like you, and left an abusive relationship several weeks ago, and felt peace at first, but now I wonder if I made a mistake by leaving, but I didn't! It is the trauma bond I think but it is really hard. I am afraid of being replaced, and my ex-bf even would get on dating sites in front of me, and I would ask him to please not do that, and feel so scared of a girl taking my place. I tried desperately to please him, but he always moved the goalposts and it was impossible. I was turning into a shell of a person. I was isolated and lost the few friends I had. This experience has changed me and I don't like it. I would even thank him for being nice when he was nice to me sometimes! LOL. I am just still in shock sort of that narcs exist-it is a really hard lesson to learn.
Hang in there and please know that you are not alone. You are a beautiful soul and will find peace.
I woke up at my 52.
Wow, just wow 🍞
Ross, I love you analogy... however I would like to tweek your nutrition idea..... We eat to get nutrients... different types of nutrients.... (amino acids = protein, vitamins, minerals, essential fatty acids, etc.).... People who regularly consume quality good that contains necessary nutrients end up eating less and feel satisfied more easily...... People who consume low quality food with very little nutrient content and lots of non-nutrients (eg. saturated fat, high fructose corn sirup, white flour, etc.).... they end up having bigger food urges, over eating, etc. That is one modern theory of how people become obese - its not the only method that leads to obesity.... there are others.... Consuming poor quality food leads to overeating, malnutrition and poor health..... Constantnly having the need to consume more food.....
Quality not quantity.
The opposite to Narcissism.
I thought co-dependency was more a term for those that get in a trauma bond where they caretake someone w/ drug or alcohol addiction. I was 10 yrs w/ a narcissist, and if we're using it this way, I did the active codependent for years, then finally turfed him 5 months ago. I'd be in the cerebral co-dependent phase now,, trying to figure it out. I'm not looking to stay stuck here though, because I went through this phase before I met him and thought I'd learned to recognize the disorder. I'd gotten out of a few month dating thing w/ one months before and thought I was homefree w/ learning and avoiding these types. Not quite yet.
Codependency is a behavioral pattern(s) that we must deal with before seeking new relationships. If we don’t, we will repeat same behavior that got us in this mess in the first place.
@@DrPhilGoode We definitely have to self examine and figure out what part we are playing in being attracted to really dysfunctional people. I still think co-dependency is a caretaker position, usually associated w/ addictions and I don't think that's my issue. Mine may be having a narcissistic parent and being drawn to pwNPD might be a coming home type of maladaption. I didn't see the signs early on in our 10 years, more in the last 2.
@@saintejeannedarc9460 You ever read Rosenbergs…The Human Magnet Syndrome? One of my favorite reads ever. That may help you on your journey.
I don't believe in codependent dependent crap. I just think I needed a husband or a man to be good to me and provide and protect that does not make a woman codependent whatsoever. We've got a drop these labels and subtitles. They're not real let's face it. we just wanted them to show up so we had to accept what they gave us and hope for the best.
I'm gluten intolerant 😉 No crumbs for me 😎😘
4:10 Yeah. Please don’t use medical analogies to try to describe a particular psychological phenomenon. Your stomach doesn’t shrink when you go on a diet. It doesn’t work that way at all.