I'm so glad that other people had the same issue. I regret wasting my time on people who weren't worth my time (I think everyone who is aged 25 and above can relate to this) but I remember how when I first entered uni, there were so many gay guys that were desperate for a boyfriend! They would come on to me without knowing me at all and I'd tell them that we should start as friends. Then almost all of them would become bitchy. It really did hurt my feeling back then seeing that I had zero gay experience before uni. Wish I could go back in time and tell myself that they are just assholes and aren't worth anyone's time. You do meet people who are super desperate for dates regardless of age.
I have always found it striking that during my decades on this Earth as a gay man, my best and healthiest friendships have been with straight men. They simply, for me, lack the drama, diva-ness and uber vanity that is admittedly omnipresent in the gay community. Too bad if that's not politically correct, but it's the truth. Maybe it's just me that doesn't connect with other gay men, maybe I'm just not "fabulous" enough. But the warmest and least judgemental friendships I've cultivated have always been with het men that just want to have a beer, chat and embrace in the camaraderie. I have my boyfriend who is on a whole different and special level - and the straight, married men that openly embrace me and accept me as family. Yeah, it's nice living in the Age of Obama. Peace guys.
Well said, sir. I don't connect with gay men either, mostly because I'm not diva-worshipping, drag queen-loving, effeminate hairless gym bunny that is the predominate image put forth by the "mainstream" gay community.
I personally have connected with straight men as friends better than gay men. Both while in a relationship and while single. My best friends are straight men. Video games, chillin, and sometimes talking about their girl troubles and life is all good. No worry that they're just hanging out with me to sleep with me so that drama gets taken out. I'm not a beer drinking, sport watching, kind of guy but we have more in common than I have found with actual gay men. I like my fair share of gay stuff that they will never have a shared interest in but that is ok cause that part of me doesn't define my personality.
Hydrolactic I too have always connected more with Straight men/women and currently don't have any Gay Male friends. I would however love to have some Gay/Bi Male Friends but it seems to go sour once they realize I don't have sex with my friends! I also find that some gay guys can be very "clicky" in terms of who they allow into their inner circle. I guess I just have to put my self out there more and be upfront with what I want out of a friendship. I don't like to stereotype/label all gay guys as I know there are other good guys/gals who are looking for quality friendships! :)
viml7 Hydrolactic Marc Dylan It's interesting this topic has gained some traction because I currently find myself in a difficult situation. A new person started working at my department a few weeks ago and he is gay, although he tells some people he is married to a woman (bullshit). He finds out that I am openly gay and starts to get too close to me. Without any discussion of my life and knowing for a fact I am a gay man (what if it was just a joke, or stupid gossip?) he begins to throw explicit gay talk at me. Stuff like, Well now us queens can get married anywhere, after the SCOTUS decision. Or admiring a guy's shoes and asking me why I don't like them (I don't) since us gays are into that,. It goes on badly. I never answered him, felt very uncomfortable and would give him an icy look that would stop all global warming. Had to be PC at work. Finally 2 days a ago I couldn't take it anymore after one of his assumptions and had a very harsh, brutally honest but respectful and diplomatic talk with him. In a gist: I am not your friend, I just met you, you have no right to assume anything, you do not get all personal and buddy buddy with a co-worker you don't actually know, and stay away from me. This idiot thought since I am gay he could just cozy up to me and that we were somehow BFFs on day one. To say his behavior was off putting is being generous. Hey, maybe through time, gradually, we could have been good acquaintances, but when someone starts a relationship like that right from the get go, it is a total deal breaker and you are outside of my circle for good. The terms and conditions - or lack thereof - of a friendship are set by ME. In a wrap, do not think that since another man is gay, assuming you know that for a fact and he has personally told you about it, that he will automatically be your best bud and you can just open up to him about anything and cozy up to him like you've shared a camaraderie for years. It takes time, guys. And you know who I vented to about all this and got support from? The 5 or so straight guys in my department I am good friends with -and have known for many years.
I never could make gay friends because they always wanted sex first. The sex killed any chance of making friends. They thought I didn't like them because I didn't want to have sex right away.
I'm a white, english, gay guy, tall, solid and not bad looking in my late 20s and I can hit it off straight away with straight guys no problem , but It just doesn't happen with other gay guys, its always been that way, I find most (not all) of the gay guys i've met to be very annoying and not particularly likeable whereas the straights seem more dare I say it "Normal" and down to earth. Am I the problem ???
99% of my male friends are straight as well. My partner and I are both in our early 50's and it's the same problem for us as it is with other men out there. I agree with Marc, we don't hang out at bars or clubs and I seriously despise all those drag queens parading around. I thinks its nearly impossible to find a group of gay men to just hang out with and have great platonic relationships with.
I have the same situation like yours. It is pretty hard to find close gay friends. On my side the gay guys I meet are very judgemental about my gay life style. They cannot accept the fact that I do not hook up randomly or that I do not party or that I am not into dating apps. For them I am traditional, old fashion guy, and they just hate it. I have been bullied because of this a lot of times. This has pushed me to get close friendships with straight guys. They accept the way I am.
I'm an older guy, early 60s. Its hard for me to get out as I don't drive. Bars aren't my scene, but I don't mind them. I don't feel I can bring anyone home as people around where I live seem too judgemental. I can deal with people's comments, but I wouldn't subject anyone else to them. I'd like to meet more people, but the motivation is gone.
This video really wasn't much help but at least you tried. I think it's very hard to meet gay friends, especially after you reach the age of 40. Most gay men seem to just want sex and don't care much for platonic friendship. Even the internet seems to be a waste of time. This is one area where gay people seem to have a lot of problems, well, at least the gay people I know.
I have a hard time because I'm either too fat or just not "relevant" but along the way I met a few good ones who taught me a lot about myself. It all depends because if a friendship forms I need make sure it is a honest, fun, but respectful friendships.
Be open and accessible; no hidden agenda, no ulterior motive. Keep it real. I've met gay friends through straight friends... because we all share common interests.... Being a decent person goes a long way towards meeting like-minded others.
I would say try a site called "meetup.com" ... I have a similar problem but I do go out to bars / clubs. For me it's like... the guys that want to keep talking to me after we meet at the bar usually just want to have sex with me, the guys that don't, we just stop talking or I basically only see them when i go out.
Haveing Aspergers high functioning autism livening in a small town there are no gay bars no nothing got no gay friends I hate being gay every guy that I have had a damn crush on is straight and won't return my feelings depressing
I guess I understand it because if I reversed it I probably would feel the same if I met someone I liked and I was attracted to. I have met guys I liked and we didn't have sex the 1st time and it was successful, but its rare. Men are different species. men tend to tell me what I want to hear especially on line based on profiling me. men assume i'm a very rough guy sexually based on my looks, but its not the case. How I am sexually is based on my partner and his needs also.
Curious to note, in a recent online article, Queerty had an item on this very topic. url www.queerty.com/find-it-hard-to-make-gay-friends-youre-not-alone-20150703
I'm so glad that other people had the same issue. I regret wasting my time on people who weren't worth my time (I think everyone who is aged 25 and above can relate to this) but I remember how when I first entered uni, there were so many gay guys that were desperate for a boyfriend! They would come on to me without knowing me at all and I'd tell them that we should start as friends. Then almost all of them would become bitchy. It really did hurt my feeling back then seeing that I had zero gay experience before uni. Wish I could go back in time and tell myself that they are just assholes and aren't worth anyone's time. You do meet people who are super desperate for dates regardless of age.
If you are A GOOD PERSON, always surround yourself with other good people
Whether it is straight or gay.
I have always found it striking that during my decades on this Earth as a gay man, my best and healthiest friendships have been with straight men. They simply, for me, lack the drama, diva-ness and uber vanity that is admittedly omnipresent in the gay community. Too bad if that's not politically correct, but it's the truth. Maybe it's just me that doesn't connect with other gay men, maybe I'm just not "fabulous" enough. But the warmest and least judgemental friendships I've cultivated have always been with het men that just want to have a beer, chat and embrace in the camaraderie. I have my boyfriend who is on a whole different and special level - and the straight, married men that openly embrace me and accept me as family.
Yeah, it's nice living in the Age of Obama.
Peace guys.
Well said, sir. I don't connect with gay men either, mostly because I'm not diva-worshipping, drag queen-loving, effeminate hairless gym bunny that is the predominate image put forth by the "mainstream" gay community.
beeflover2001 Thanks.
I personally have connected with straight men as friends better than gay men. Both while in a relationship and while single. My best friends are straight men. Video games, chillin, and sometimes talking about their girl troubles and life is all good. No worry that they're just hanging out with me to sleep with me so that drama gets taken out. I'm not a beer drinking, sport watching, kind of guy but we have more in common than I have found with actual gay men. I like my fair share of gay stuff that they will never have a shared interest in but that is ok cause that part of me doesn't define my personality.
Hydrolactic I too have always connected more with Straight men/women and currently don't have any Gay Male friends. I would however love to have some Gay/Bi Male Friends but it seems to go sour once they realize I don't have sex with my friends! I also find that some gay guys can be very "clicky" in terms of who they allow into their inner circle. I guess I just have to put my self out there more and be upfront with what I want out of a friendship. I don't like to stereotype/label all gay guys as I know there are other good guys/gals who are looking for quality friendships! :)
viml7 Hydrolactic Marc Dylan It's interesting this topic has gained some traction because I currently find myself in a difficult situation. A new person started working at my department a few weeks ago and he is gay, although he tells some people he is married to a woman (bullshit). He finds out that I am openly gay and starts to get too close to me. Without any discussion of my life and knowing for a fact I am a gay man (what if it was just a joke, or stupid gossip?) he begins to throw explicit gay talk at me. Stuff like, Well now us queens can get married anywhere, after the SCOTUS decision. Or admiring a guy's shoes and asking me why I don't like them (I don't) since us gays are into that,. It goes on badly. I never answered him, felt very uncomfortable and would give him an icy look that would stop all global warming. Had to be PC at work. Finally 2 days a ago I couldn't take it anymore after one of his assumptions and had a very harsh, brutally honest but respectful and diplomatic talk with him. In a gist: I am not your friend, I just met you, you have no right to assume anything, you do not get all personal and buddy buddy with a co-worker you don't actually know, and stay away from me. This idiot thought since I am gay he could just cozy up to me and that we were somehow BFFs on day one. To say his behavior was off putting is being generous. Hey, maybe through time, gradually, we could have been good acquaintances, but when someone starts a relationship like that right from the get go, it is a total deal breaker and you are outside of my circle for good. The terms and conditions - or lack thereof - of a friendship are set by ME. In a wrap, do not think that since another man is gay, assuming you know that for a fact and he has personally told you about it, that he will automatically be your best bud and you can just open up to him about anything and cozy up to him like you've shared a camaraderie for years. It takes time, guys.
And you know who I vented to about all this and got support from? The 5 or so straight guys in my department I am good friends with -and have known for many years.
I never could make gay friends because they always wanted sex first. The sex killed any chance of making friends. They thought I didn't like them because I didn't want to have sex right away.
I'm a white, english, gay guy, tall, solid and not bad looking in my late 20s and I can hit it off straight away with straight guys no problem , but It just doesn't happen with other gay guys, its always been that way, I find most (not all) of the gay guys i've met to be very annoying and not particularly likeable whereas the straights seem more dare I say it "Normal" and down to earth. Am I the problem ???
99% of my male friends are straight as well. My partner and I are both in our early 50's and it's the same problem for us as it is with other men out there. I agree with Marc, we don't hang out at bars or clubs and I seriously despise all those drag queens parading around. I thinks its nearly impossible to find a group of gay men to just hang out with and have great platonic relationships with.
I have the same situation like yours. It is pretty hard to find close gay friends. On my side the gay guys I meet are very judgemental about my gay life style. They cannot accept the fact that I do not hook up randomly or that I do not party or that I am not into dating apps. For them I am traditional, old fashion guy, and they just hate it. I have been bullied because of this a lot of times. This has pushed me to get close friendships with straight guys. They accept the way I am.
As always, Mark, a very well thought-out, articulate response.
You're so respectable on this topic and from an interesting perspective. From a young gay Aussie male, happily in a LTR.
I'm an older guy, early 60s. Its hard for me to get out as I don't drive. Bars aren't my scene, but I don't mind them. I don't feel I can bring anyone home as people around where I live seem too judgemental. I can deal with people's comments, but I wouldn't subject anyone else to them. I'd like to meet more people, but the motivation is gone.
I totally can related with today's topic, great advice Marc!
This video really wasn't much help but at least you tried. I think it's very hard to meet gay friends, especially after you reach the age of 40. Most gay men seem to just want sex and don't care much for platonic friendship. Even the internet seems to be a waste of time. This is one area where gay people seem to have a lot of problems, well, at least the gay people I know.
+Torontopia True.
I love the way you talk and very articulative...
I have a hard time because I'm either too fat or just not "relevant" but along the way I met a few good ones who taught me a lot about myself. It all depends because if a friendship forms I need make sure it is a honest, fun, but respectful friendships.
Always love your advice. Thanks Marc :)
Be open and accessible; no hidden agenda, no ulterior motive. Keep it real. I've met gay friends through straight friends... because we all share common interests.... Being a decent person goes a long way towards meeting like-minded others.
I've had very few good friendships with other gay men. My friendships are generally with women and straight men.
I am part of a gay mens chorus which i would say is about 95% couples. If there's one in this guys city, that would be a great place.
Perhaps make some straight friends instead. I mean, you have equal chance of making a bad one or good one. It's always a issue.
I would say try a site called "meetup.com" ... I have a similar problem but I do go out to bars / clubs. For me it's like... the guys that want to keep talking to me after we meet at the bar usually just want to have sex with me, the guys that don't, we just stop talking or I basically only see them when i go out.
really good advises! thanks!
Haveing Aspergers high functioning autism livening in a small town there are no gay bars no nothing got no gay friends I hate being gay every guy that I have had a damn crush on is straight and won't return my feelings depressing
All my friends are hook ups in bath house
I guess I understand it because if I reversed it I probably would feel the same if I met someone I liked and I was attracted to. I have met guys I liked and we didn't have sex the 1st time and it was successful, but its rare. Men are different species. men tend to tell me what I want to hear especially on line based on profiling me. men assume i'm a very rough guy sexually based on my looks, but its not the case. How I am sexually is based on my partner and his needs also.
Hola, You can create a meet up group :-)
Hey nothing wrong with a hot 3 way
I have trouble finding gay friends also I guess I am not very attractive to other gays...
GREAT ADVICES
Curious to note, in a recent online article, Queerty had an item on this very topic.
url
www.queerty.com/find-it-hard-to-make-gay-friends-youre-not-alone-20150703
Hey Marc u r so cute... I like u..
Wooo go Canada
Youre so handsome in love ❤👅💦
U want to be my friend
First bitches :D