John Mulaney Stand-Up Monologue - SNL

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  • Опубліковано 16 лис 2024

КОМЕНТАРІ • 2,6 тис.

  • @jasonsnow7718
    @jasonsnow7718 5 років тому +16955

    "the four of them stare" Good to know petunia was included in the mix

  • @DavidWeidlich
    @DavidWeidlich 5 років тому +5638

    Seven and a half minutes of non-stop hilarity. No props needed. No dancing cast members to bail him out. Just Mulaney. The cold open and monologue made the best start to an SNL episode ever.

    • @tony2520
      @tony2520 5 років тому +64

      David Weidlich he has 3 specials on Netflix. Have fun

    • @rosemarywilliams9969
      @rosemarywilliams9969 5 років тому +5

      YES👏

    • @lmbb20
      @lmbb20 5 років тому +5

      I laughed so hard

    • @bmtphoenix
      @bmtphoenix 5 років тому +2

      @@tony2520 answers that question! lol

    • @James-fz4hy
      @James-fz4hy 5 років тому +2

      Talent

  • @MsBlushing24
    @MsBlushing24 5 років тому +10767

    I once saw him on 14th and 7th and screamed, "I LOVE YOU" with the straightest face. He almost spilled his coffee but then he smiled I think we're cool.

    • @MsBlushing24
      @MsBlushing24 5 років тому +235

      Thank you for that completely irrelevant comment LOL "@Mentally Awakened " cool you're so funny hahahahahah I'm so impressed with your wit

    • @spiddyman0079
      @spiddyman0079 5 років тому +252

      Mentally Awakened brake it up you two

    • @blushhhhmusic
      @blushhhhmusic 5 років тому +70

      As a “woke” god of intelligence I can tell you that Spidyman is correct

    • @spiddyman0079
      @spiddyman0079 5 років тому +13

      Lordsorax , haha

    • @christinewennerberg804
      @christinewennerberg804 5 років тому +241

      Disregarding the rest of this comment section, I think that particular story is hilarious. Maybe one day he'll make a joke out of it.

  • @ceddy123
    @ceddy123 5 років тому +8508

    What really makes John mulaney stand out is the 1950s voice and his ability to make the mundane funny. He literally made a bit about 3 people and a dog looking at each other hilarious. Side note...if you like mulaney you'll LOVE Gary gulman. He's a very underrated comic.

    • @deninevh
      @deninevh 5 років тому +41

      You're right, and I do like GG as well. Robert Mac is another comedian who deadpans and is very funny.

    • @pftborracha123
      @pftborracha123 5 років тому +27

      You're totally right! thank you for the recommendation of Gary Gulman, I've been watching some of his stand up and it's amazing!!

    • @pmpdaddyt1218
      @pmpdaddyt1218 5 років тому +16

      Came back to thank you for GG

    • @anistynfreeman1500
      @anistynfreeman1500 5 років тому +23

      * not sponsored by gary gulman *

    • @yessum15
      @yessum15 5 років тому +9

      Also came back to thank you for GG. Not great, but solid.

  • @grantmitchell6738
    @grantmitchell6738 5 років тому +19471

    I love how John Mulaney just likes to drop the fact that he used to do cocaine so freely

    • @bobbixvv
      @bobbixvv 5 років тому +1618

      more than that i love the reaction of the crowd not knowing if they should laugh at that or not

    • @mannahatta_mannahatta
      @mannahatta_mannahatta 5 років тому +1962

      “I will pepper in the fact that I used to do cocaine”

    • @blakewestbrook8237
      @blakewestbrook8237 5 років тому +996

      Ana “As that is a given.”

    • @tormorelikebore
      @tormorelikebore 5 років тому +458

      If you own something nobody can say anything about it

    • @hauntedmushroom
      @hauntedmushroom 5 років тому +126

      It's more common than you think lol

  • @joeblow3335
    @joeblow3335 5 років тому +2893

    It's rare that you see the SNL band reacting to and clearly enjoying the monologue so much. Not easily impressed, I'm sure, and Mulaney completely draws them in. Bravo, John.

    • @samaraisnt
      @samaraisnt 4 роки тому +96

      I forgot that they literally know him and knew him for years until I read this comment, I thought the same.

    • @valeriepark9444
      @valeriepark9444 3 роки тому +36

      I think it helps to have a New Yorker making jokes about the Most New York Things - the audience not only relates, but they gain satisfaction in knowing that the rest of the country has no idea what he's referring to.

  • @Caroline-sl4ng
    @Caroline-sl4ng 5 років тому +6919

    Cause I was 👉🏻 not 👉🏻 an 👉🏻 athletic 👉🏻 child

    • @christinewennerberg804
      @christinewennerberg804 5 років тому +19

      Me.

    • @wittyblonde6728
      @wittyblonde6728 5 років тому +27

      Caroline I read it as it was said in the video lol

    • @isabelayala3470
      @isabelayala3470 5 років тому +3

      Witty Blonde same lmao

    • @benkoeberle9510
      @benkoeberle9510 5 років тому +14

      When he mentioned "Turner Classic Movies" and "not being an athletic child," I thought he wrote that line with me in mind. ROFL!

    • @sleepytabledog
      @sleepytabledog 4 роки тому

      Witty Blonde How and why did that work, though?

  • @emilyj.8494
    @emilyj.8494 5 років тому +10749

    john mulaney: my wife is jewish and i love her
    me: you've told us 70 times. please tell me more.

    • @MeghanaAnjali
      @MeghanaAnjali 4 роки тому +384

      JM: My wife is a bitch and I like her so much.

    • @victoriaberlanga4600
      @victoriaberlanga4600 4 роки тому +116

      LOL. I’ve only seen like 5 videos and in every single one he says she’s Jewish... I love him. And her. I just discovered who he was, thanks to Pete.

    • @ArtemisScribe
      @ArtemisScribe 4 роки тому +119

      he just really likes saying "My wife"

    • @lesbianryuko
      @lesbianryuko 4 роки тому +83

      us: you've told us this story many times
      john: and you'll hear it again!

    • @clarissarojas7959
      @clarissarojas7959 4 роки тому +48

      ArtemisScribe “‘my wife’ just has some _kickass_ to it”

  • @aliciad8553
    @aliciad8553 5 років тому +8444

    Love that Petunia, John’s French Bulldog, got an applause break.
    Edit: Thanks for all the likes guys.

    • @ashleyayala535
      @ashleyayala535 5 років тому +43

      Alicia D and cheering, mind you lol

    • @ceilingeye
      @ceilingeye 5 років тому +32

      She’s probably more popular than John himself tbh.

    • @val8869
      @val8869 5 років тому +32

      for some reason my brain told me to read “French SPEAKING bulldog” and I was too easily ready to just accept that as the comment

    • @rosericorico4980
      @rosericorico4980 4 роки тому +2

      @@val8869 lmaoo

    • @marissamiller1933
      @marissamiller1933 4 роки тому +6

      It's the one fact I reliably know about him. When I try to remind people who he is (obviously this doesn't happen much anymore) I'd be like: 'He's little, funny, wears well tailored suits...oh! He has a French Bulldog named Petunia. You know who I'm talking about.'

  • @fotogeek96
    @fotogeek96 5 років тому +8151

    YAS refreshing to see an asian woman with feminine hips representing at SNL!

    • @molliek1079
      @molliek1079 5 років тому +88

      fotogeek96 we must bow to him

    • @isabelthepistachio4819
      @isabelthepistachio4819 4 роки тому +123

      Don’t forget about how high waisted they are

    • @agiar2000
      @agiar2000 4 роки тому +165

      @@isabelthepistachio4819
      NO! That's what he's sensitive about! ;)

    • @fuckhandsmcmike
      @fuckhandsmcmike 4 роки тому +55

      He's a proud Asian-American woman with feminine hips

    • @Anticlim-act-ick
      @Anticlim-act-ick 4 роки тому +39

      don't that's the THING HE IS SENSITIVE ABOUT

  • @argonnas2
    @argonnas2 5 років тому +1696

    looking at the band members faces in the background and its nice to see them enjoying it just as much as the audience

  • @jesicam6581
    @jesicam6581 5 років тому +3237

    I've never been to New York but the way mulaney tells stories makes me feel like Ive lived there my whole life.

    • @viclor2876
      @viclor2876 5 років тому +3

      @K C even my Hispanic families are turning "white" lmfao

    • @SKC193
      @SKC193 5 років тому +3

      Jess The Mess It’s looks & sounds just like in the movies & tv. Fun place to visit now & then but you couldn’t pay me to live there! My husband’s sister lives on Long Island & I was surprised how beautiful it is. But don’t want to live there either.

    • @katieluckett5673
      @katieluckett5673 5 років тому +5

      He would probably really love that complement.

    • @JoseChavez-ct1db
      @JoseChavez-ct1db 5 років тому +7

      I do feel jealous of the people that live in New York that get his references right away. I have to go research the new siren he's talking about.

    • @kalexis6484
      @kalexis6484 5 років тому +1

      Love living here and at times hate it

  • @neghiethervil5606
    @neghiethervil5606 5 років тому +933

    I love how he steam rolls through the applause. Like yes, I wrote these jokes, I know they're great. Save your praise for someone that needs it.

    • @arx754
      @arx754 5 років тому +78

      It was probably because of the time limit he had to do his monologue; he wanted to get it all in. In a comedy club, or whatever, he would have the time to pause to allow the applause.

    • @robingarrett3171
      @robingarrett3171 5 років тому +24

      Me too! I almost stopped watching Colbert because his pause for applause after introducing him self was soooooo annoying. But he recently knocked it off, rolls into the show faster and I am at peace. Lol

  • @TedKutina716
    @TedKutina716 4 роки тому +3100

    John Mulaney Talks Like Every Word In The Sentence Was Capitalized

  • @ffflustered9qr
    @ffflustered9qr 5 років тому +4070

    An amazing comic and truly funny man, and not a single cruel or needlessly dickish joke in sight. Offense isn't inherently funny, and Mulaney embodies that while looking and talking like a talk show presenter from the 1950s.

    • @coma13794
      @coma13794 5 років тому +82

      That is actually an outstanding summary.

    • @BuyBitcoinOnline
      @BuyBitcoinOnline 4 роки тому +31

      You do realize that this is the same guy who wrote the Hader's Stefon character where every joke was about some freaky midget's fetish, right?

    • @johnny--guitar
      @johnny--guitar 4 роки тому +33

      @@BuyBitcoinOnline I actually think that's a pretty good example of him realizing that some of his old bits didn't age very well no matter how funny they were (see how the last joke of the last Stefon bit was the fact that he managed to make "human squatty potty" technically PC)

    • @shoomert
      @shoomert 4 роки тому +1

      This sounds like it’s targeting some other comedian? lol

    • @jackgeist3803
      @jackgeist3803 4 роки тому +3

      Can we get him a game show?

  • @bmaze944
    @bmaze944 5 років тому +5609

    I love how Mulaney always gives the cross streets when he tells jokes about New York

    • @lizvlx
      @lizvlx 5 років тому +105

      agree! makes it so much better, makes you picture the location :)

    • @viclor2876
      @viclor2876 5 років тому +14

      @K C rofll

    • @davidmsirois
      @davidmsirois 5 років тому +6

      I love how you turned John into an adverb.

    • @cameotic
      @cameotic 5 років тому +13

      It's kinda what "Californians" did about the West Coast freeways

    • @Crazelord91
      @Crazelord91 5 років тому +24

      It's how you know he lives there. I've been here for abour a decade and I instinctively give the cross street whenever I'm telling people a location

  • @Lily-sp9xc
    @Lily-sp9xc 5 років тому +2302

    john mulaney: this is the nyc intersection where this interaction happened
    me, having never been to nyc: ..... i’TS A GRID SYSTEM

    • @taakotuesdays
      @taakotuesdays 5 років тому +168

      Skyler Thompson where are you 24th and 5th where you wanna go 35th and 6th ELEVEN UP AND ONE OVER YA SIMPLE BITCH

    • @okradiowise
      @okradiowise 5 років тому +4

      Eleven up and one over ya simple bitch

    • @kambriaclark3775
      @kambriaclark3775 5 років тому +1

      @oscar75722 It's not, it's one of his jokes in his show

    • @fearlessfred9509
      @fearlessfred9509 4 роки тому

      Awsome replies

  • @matthewbight5720
    @matthewbight5720 5 років тому +1886

    "Why are you shouting? What, are you in the next room?"
    I feel like that did NOT get the reaction it deserves hahahah

  • @laurenm354
    @laurenm354 5 років тому +15443

    no one:
    john mulaney: my wife is jewish

    • @chocolatecharley99
      @chocolatecharley99 5 років тому +350

      no one:
      John Mulaney: i have a wife
      😂😂😂

    • @laurenm354
      @laurenm354 5 років тому +202

      bossfan49 in every stand up he does he always says something about his wife being Jewish or just mentions his wife. It happens in all his specials
      It’s kind of a running joke for fans that keep up with him

    • @vaesch4283
      @vaesch4283 5 років тому +33

      @@bossfan49 It's just meme format

    • @laurenm354
      @laurenm354 5 років тому +40

      @@bossfan49 oh its a meme where you type no one or nobody then a colon (:) with nothing typed after it as a way of saying no one said anything/asked but John mulaney is still gonna say it.

    • @lanie7569
      @lanie7569 5 років тому +54

      bossfan49 oh my god

  • @ryanboyce5271
    @ryanboyce5271 4 роки тому +1504

    “DoN’t LoOk Us Up” My European History text book: *Heavy breathing*

  • @nathanlayman
    @nathanlayman 5 років тому +14105

    John Mulaney looks like a gay bond villain who promised himself he wouldn't fall in love with 007

    • @spiddyman0079
      @spiddyman0079 5 років тому +47

      Ok

    • @cwp2175
      @cwp2175 5 років тому +425

      I mean... I can't say you're wrong

    • @MissAmesha
      @MissAmesha 5 років тому +36

      So true...

    • @erickim6533
      @erickim6533 5 років тому +73

      John Mulaney is living proof that being gay is a CHOICE. lol

    • @Carmela_Falco
      @Carmela_Falco 5 років тому +3

      Nice!

  • @danniatan1436
    @danniatan1436 5 років тому +2003

    Only John Mulaney could be talking about old-timey ambulance sirens, and a gay cat in hospice holding a rabbi’s hand, and be talking about the same thing.

    • @MissAmesha
      @MissAmesha 5 років тому +27

      Right?? Such creativity.

    • @chaosapiant
      @chaosapiant 5 років тому +8

      It almost seemed like he was making a comparison about the two things. I'm a big fan of this tactic. And also sandwiches.

    • @mraymondvillamor9891
      @mraymondvillamor9891 5 років тому +5

      And making it LOL funny without being at all offensive to anyone [or thing].

    • @nr6916
      @nr6916 3 роки тому

      You know I hope archeologists in the future read this comment out of context and it sums up our entire gen! It’s too funny

  • @KateBelangerPhotography
    @KateBelangerPhotography 5 років тому +4178

    John Mulaney: exists
    Women in audience: whoo, whoop, woooo, woopedy-woop-whoooop

    • @sheridan7475
      @sheridan7475 5 років тому +186

      he’s a good mix of gentleman and mischief

    • @pureafricanqueen
      @pureafricanqueen 5 років тому +109

      He's really beautiful in person. I understand that excitement

    • @darboboyle693
      @darboboyle693 5 років тому +17

      is it the ears?

    • @ashwhite3810
      @ashwhite3810 5 років тому +67

      Well...imma guy and imma all whoop whoop woopy whoop woop

    • @johnlachman5121
      @johnlachman5121 5 років тому +47

      Nobody:
      John Mulaney: "My wife is Jewish"

  • @_b_e_a_n_s_
    @_b_e_a_n_s_ 5 років тому +1611

    “Sounds like an old gay cat was dying” BRO IM DYING

    • @farosh-end
      @farosh-end 5 років тому +82

      Are you an old gay cat per chance?

    • @isabell2274
      @isabell2274 4 роки тому +7

      Farare damnit i wanted to say that :,(

    • @ShineOnBenevolentSun
      @ShineOnBenevolentSun 4 роки тому +25

      But not a sad death, like he'd had a full life and was holding hands with a rabbi ROFL

    • @a.a9021
      @a.a9021 4 роки тому +11

      @@farosh-end Don't you mean _purr_ chance?

    • @jadiahavala4656
      @jadiahavala4656 3 роки тому

      lmfaooooooooooooo

  • @stephmaszera3610
    @stephmaszera3610 5 років тому +882

    i could listen to john mulaney make siren sounds all day long

    • @jacklynyeh4893
      @jacklynyeh4893 3 роки тому +2

      One time I had a music teacher have me do this

    • @arivenes_
      @arivenes_ 3 роки тому +2

      i could listen to john mulaney all day long period

  • @kaylachau175
    @kaylachau175 5 років тому +3590

    proud of this asian American woman!!

  •  5 років тому +525

    "Don't Google us!"
    *crying laughing*

    • @ellcally508
      @ellcally508 5 років тому +9

      He needs to do more stand up on religion.

  • @not_jt
    @not_jt 5 років тому +1252

    But the funniest part is that Petunia stared at Woody Allen

    • @onlyrick
      @onlyrick 5 років тому +21

      But not in a rude way. The guy just looks fascinating when viewed through a dog's eyes.

    • @tejaswoman
      @tejaswoman 5 років тому +50

      Yes! Someone else caught that he said "the four of them." 🤣

    • @MCAndyT
      @MCAndyT 5 років тому +1

      +

    • @DemiSemme
      @DemiSemme 5 років тому +50

      Petunia knows the day Woody Allen will die.

    • @SupremeKayJay
      @SupremeKayJay 5 років тому +1

      That joke is underated

  • @DieGo-pu1cx
    @DieGo-pu1cx 5 років тому +918

    I was having breakfast and spit out my food laughing when he said "none of this is right".
    That tall child is going places!

  • @combatchuck777
    @combatchuck777 5 років тому +501

    I love how he sounds like he's been doing standup since 1956

  • @janettemyette4872
    @janettemyette4872 5 років тому +746

    "You know that strange look of shame and unhappiness I have in my eyes at all times, especially after sex, and it was all forced on me at birth? What if you VOLUNTARILY signed up for it??" LOL

  • @TomGZ
    @TomGZ 5 років тому +1451

    He'd be awesome in the new season of Marvelous Mrs. Maisel. He has the stand-up chops and even has that 50's look.

  • @luuketaylor
    @luuketaylor 5 років тому +1401

    *Been itching for more Mulaney content; today is a dream come true!*

    • @cjdfv
      @cjdfv 5 років тому +4

      That itch is actually crabs.

    • @sarvin4471
      @sarvin4471 5 років тому +1

      Luke Taylor RIGHT THERE WITH YA BUDDY sorry I yelled, I was just so excited cause same

  • @bohocowboy
    @bohocowboy 5 років тому +2535

    Within ten years he WILL be the host of the tonight show. You heard it here first!

    • @jmorgan3882
      @jmorgan3882 5 років тому +104

      He's definitely gonna be a talk show host. Move over Jimmy Fallon!

    • @luxusmode111
      @luxusmode111 5 років тому +24

      Everyone's been saying that for years now.

    • @tatehildyard5332
      @tatehildyard5332 5 років тому +30

      Honestly, I think it’ll be Davidson. I don’t really like Davidson myself, but NBC knows he’s one of the more popular personalities on SNL right now, and it doesn’t look like he’ll end up making a stable transition to feature films.

    • @LivingInTheKaliYogurt
      @LivingInTheKaliYogurt 5 років тому +4

      pray

    • @pdfbanana
      @pdfbanana 5 років тому +86

      God I hope not. What a waste of a good comedian that would be to put him on late night

  • @kylestubbs8867
    @kylestubbs8867 5 років тому +351

    _”The next stop is Christopher Street.”_
    *”STAND CLEAR OF THE CLOSING DOORS!!!”*

  • @houstonm7635
    @houstonm7635 5 років тому +3158

    best monologue this show has seen in a while

    • @TwistedReality13
      @TwistedReality13 5 років тому +66

      John Mulaney is as they say a national treasure .. I used to hate that but.. he legit deserves it

    • @ImOnMyOwnTime1
      @ImOnMyOwnTime1 5 років тому +19

      check out his last monologue. literally 1a 1b.

    • @michaelfonseca4369
      @michaelfonseca4369 5 років тому +4

      1100% agree!!!

    • @lsd-rickb-1728
      @lsd-rickb-1728 5 років тому +6

      Donald glover better

    • @EclipseHighroller
      @EclipseHighroller 5 років тому +7

      yeah boy oh, how sad, you are offended because you will never be as successful as he is. Man, is that you Trump?

  • @AngelofMusic04
    @AngelofMusic04 5 років тому +762

    "Killing a waiter in the state of New York is a class A felony. I'll get you some bread."

  • @ellaabunny2606
    @ellaabunny2606 5 років тому +296

    His delivery is soooooooooo FUCKING good I love this guy so much

  • @anahernandezcardona9165
    @anahernandezcardona9165 5 років тому +108

    John deserves all the love and success he’s been having.

  • @clashingswordsproductions
    @clashingswordsproductions 5 років тому +787

    "I used to do cocaine. I would smell it up into my nose and i'd get a high from it"
    -John Mulaney

    • @molliek1079
      @molliek1079 5 років тому

      Clashing Swords Productions-CSP should have been my yearbook quote :( ahahaha

    • @clashingswordsproductions
      @clashingswordsproductions 5 років тому

      @@molliek1079 pffff yooo i need to change my senior quote

    • @js6874
      @js6874 5 років тому

      Me every weekend 🙈😂

  • @julia-xb6uv
    @julia-xb6uv 5 років тому +426

    “oh by the way, killing a waiter in the state of new york is a Class A Felony. i’ll get u some bread :)”

  • @w8w8whatnow95
    @w8w8whatnow95 5 років тому +256

    Great monologue...I cannot remember the last one that's been this good. Maybe April 2018?

    • @kbrock9146
      @kbrock9146 5 років тому +3

      Ohohohohohohohohoho!!!! I see what you did there, fine person! Nicely done.

  • @TonyHightower
    @TonyHightower 5 років тому +704

    John Mulaney can write a goddamned joke.

  • @3AvrilLavigne3
    @3AvrilLavigne3 5 років тому +556

    6:01 ah yes, the wild John Mulaney in his natural habitat, demonstrating his mating call

  • @calebdesjardins616
    @calebdesjardins616 4 роки тому +85

    Mulvaney has such an old timey classic Hollywood feel to him and it’s so refreshing and then he throws in unexpected humor it’s like he plays to his type and against type simultaneously. Genius

  • @jamesryder8305
    @jamesryder8305 5 років тому +2820

    In tears, love ya John. Gay cat dying broooooo

    • @ProNorden
      @ProNorden 5 років тому +5

      There are some great Conservative implications in the details of a #JohnMullaney piece.✌️

    • @bluemystic7501
      @bluemystic7501 5 років тому +5

      Tears, seriously?

    • @MissAmesha
      @MissAmesha 5 років тому +5

      Right??? Only John would make that association 😂😂😂👏👌

    • @jamesryder8305
      @jamesryder8305 5 років тому +12

      @@bluemystic7501 Yeah. I started laughing and couldn't stop. Which produced tears. It's not hard to follow.

    • @bluemystic7501
      @bluemystic7501 5 років тому +1

      @@jamesryder8305 What's hard to comprehend is how you found it THAT funny.

  • @Hephzie101
    @Hephzie101 5 років тому +942

    I usually don’t rewatch monologues, but this monologue is fucking good. He is so funny 😂

  • @dogsforever5707
    @dogsforever5707 5 років тому +338

    "You know that strange look of shame and unhappiness I have in my eyes at all times especially after sex and it was all pushed into me at birth"
    Idk why but I love that line so much, especially as a practicing Catholic since birth.

    • @addikay7097
      @addikay7097 4 роки тому +11

      Am Catholic, can relate

    • @leob4403
      @leob4403 Рік тому

      ​@@addikay7097only americans make such a big deal about being catholic, europeans dont give a shit lol

  • @johnmoscone3841
    @johnmoscone3841 5 років тому +331

    If I saw John Mulaney in Alfred Hitchcock's "Rope", I would not think that anything was out of place.

    • @klina7645
      @klina7645 5 років тому +6

      Yeah, he has that 1940's look and speaking voice.

    • @Janairick
      @Janairick 3 роки тому +6

      John Mulaney as the siren in "Rope"

  • @concrete7215
    @concrete7215 4 роки тому +107

    Nobody:
    John: **siren noises**
    Everyone: you have entered the comedy zone.

  • @emmajinthetardis
    @emmajinthetardis 5 років тому +7952

    No one:
    John Mulaney: My wife is Jewish

    • @JuanPabloSelvaje
      @JuanPabloSelvaje 5 років тому +112

      It's relevant to the story, though, because the whole point of it is culture clash.

    • @kateeast508
      @kateeast508 5 років тому +389

      no one:
      john mulaney: i used to do COCAINE

    • @Alientoy
      @Alientoy 5 років тому +269

      No one:
      You: I don’t really understand the mechanics of stand-up comedy

    • @thebeatlesrule234
      @thebeatlesrule234 5 років тому +169

      No one:
      John Mulaney: I have a dog named petunia

    • @samira7164
      @samira7164 5 років тому +136

      No one:
      John Mulaney: I have a lovely french bulldog named Petunia

  • @brenyatta
    @brenyatta 5 років тому +711

    “We are now approaching...”
    *looks around, nervously*
    “...Christopher Street”
    “MY GOD! WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE!!!”

    • @tejaswoman
      @tejaswoman 5 років тому +8

      Only if it's a secondary location.

  • @somethingclever4563
    @somethingclever4563 5 років тому +313

    "Thou shalt not Google us!"
    Billboard outside Vatican city

  • @terrenceharris-hughes4436
    @terrenceharris-hughes4436 5 років тому +335

    You telling me this guy gets on stage and talks for almost 10 minutes.
    Yeah Ice it's a monologue. Hosts do them on the show. You're going to have to get used to that.

    • @BiggusNickus
      @BiggusNickus 4 роки тому +43

      Oh, so you mean like when someone walks up on stage and makes people laugh? Or like, when someone impersonates a siren for a full minute?

    • @terrenceharris-hughes4436
      @terrenceharris-hughes4436 4 роки тому +26

      @@BiggusNickus or like when a musician goes on stage ans and plays an instrument. Or like when a dancer dances

    • @thebombspayloadisexposed
      @thebombspayloadisexposed 4 роки тому +21

      @@terrenceharris-hughes4436 Or like, when someone plays with cards on a stage? Or like, when, someone eats too much chocolate cake and barfs it up on the stage?

    • @terrenceharris-hughes4436
      @terrenceharris-hughes4436 4 роки тому +14

      @@thebombspayloadisexposed or like when a magician goes on stage and pulls a rabbit out of his hat. Or when someone goes up on stage and sings

    • @HPayne62
      @HPayne62 4 роки тому +13

      @@terrenceharris-hughes4436 Or like when someone goes up on a stage and tap dances. Or like when someone goes on a stage and draws a bunch of pictures real fast.

  • @shelbymchester
    @shelbymchester 5 років тому +165

    The funniest part of this was that Petunia got such applause.

  • @brucelau2023
    @brucelau2023 5 років тому +84

    really love hearing this guy's voice in Spider-verse tho, very talented stand up comedian , really one of the best monologues i've heard on SNL in a while

  • @elijahmiller7700
    @elijahmiller7700 5 років тому +379

    I wish he just did this monologue for the whole episode

    • @eighteen-naked-cowboys
      @eighteen-naked-cowboys 5 років тому +15

      an hour of mulaney stand up > snl since 2000

    • @JHulse29
      @JHulse29 5 років тому +7

      You can see it! It's called kid gorgeous and it's on netflix

    • @SwissAdelina
      @SwissAdelina 5 років тому +7

      Also New In Town. And The Comeback Kid. All on Netflix and all total gems.

  • @jahmil7987
    @jahmil7987 5 років тому +2346

    Funny but his voice sounds like what people in the 50's thought stand up comedians should sounds like

    • @tmattoneill
      @tmattoneill 5 років тому +133

      pretty sure that's his schtick...

    • @grillme6272
      @grillme6272 5 років тому +55

      I always used to see him in pictures with subtitles walking like a cryptid and he just didn’t seem to stop moving. Then after assuming what his voice was I finally heard his voice yesterday and was surprised as fuc.

    • @enolagardens
      @enolagardens 5 років тому +9

      Jahmil that’s the best part...

    • @rosemarywilliams9969
      @rosemarywilliams9969 5 років тому +12

      He's perfection.

    • @jackiekreutzer166
      @jackiekreutzer166 5 років тому +7

      I think he sounds like Fozzy Bear.

  • @lanie7569
    @lanie7569 5 років тому +1644

    no one:
    John Mulaney: MY WIFE IS JEWISH
    I HAVE A JEWISH WIFE AND SHE IS JEWISH

    • @berwynsigns4115
      @berwynsigns4115 5 років тому +11

      no one said nothing therefore someone said something

    • @lanie7569
      @lanie7569 5 років тому +12

      BerwynSigns ok smartass calm down there

    • @carolinamurtha3102
      @carolinamurtha3102 5 років тому +6

      Well, two people asked: his parents. I grew up in a catholic family and while a lot of my cousins have married all kind of different people, my aunts are totally guilty of asking if they really like someone’s significant other ... even if they cousin is 16 and it’s there first relationship 🙄.

    • @juliafrances454
      @juliafrances454 4 роки тому +4

      and she’s a female person

    • @benavaes
      @benavaes 4 роки тому

      BerwynSigns therefore everyone said something**** how you gonna correct and get it wrong

  • @Boxerkyd1995
    @Boxerkyd1995 5 років тому +88

    was sad to see the siren bit cut from his special because everyone was dying laughing at it live but I’m glad it gets to live here now.

  • @thangnguyen02
    @thangnguyen02 5 років тому +249

    2:45 "Don't Google us!" ... I die

    • @VailsMom
      @VailsMom 5 років тому +2

      thangnguyen02 And that one-second look immediately after that somehow communicates, “And I now realize that you indeed will do so, but I did warn you. So don’t blame me.”

  • @the8ctagon
    @the8ctagon 5 років тому +98

    This is the first SNL host monologue that I was able to watch all the way through to the end without weeping from embarrassment.

    • @lgfl
      @lgfl 5 років тому +6

      What about Dave Chapelle's monologue after Trump was elected? That was brilliant. I think what makes the monologue of torture is when non comedians have to open the show.

    • @the8ctagon
      @the8ctagon 5 років тому +2

      @@lgfl I haven't seen that one. Thank you - I'll look it up.

    • @lgfl
      @lgfl 5 років тому

      @@the8ctagon cool let me know what you think. Peace

  • @ThatsABitPersonal
    @ThatsABitPersonal 5 років тому +90

    Only John Mulaney can make comedy gold over the sounds of different police sirens

  • @dennissweeney11
    @dennissweeney11 5 років тому +60

    I love how the musicians in the back are smiling so much

  • @rachelbrand
    @rachelbrand 3 роки тому +44

    well this surely hits a lot different now

  • @ajwelsh3191
    @ajwelsh3191 5 років тому +237

    John “tiger mom” Mulaney still waiting to rent Addams Family Values.

  • @tejaswoman
    @tejaswoman 5 років тому +979

    Me, at start of video: "Please, please, please let this one be as good as the previous one. Please also don't recycle any Kid Gorgeous material, because we've all seen it since then, precisely because of the previous monologue being so fantastic."
    Me, at end of video: "Thank you, cool guy, for fulfilling my every request."
    #TrueStory
    *Bonus* : He even had new material about Petunia! 🐶

    • @lletnahc08
      @lletnahc08 5 років тому +5

      this was from his Kid Gorgeous tour, it just wasn't in the Netflix special.

    • @climbinguphill
      @climbinguphill 5 років тому +1

      @@lletnahc08 He didn't do any of this material when I saw him on the tour.

    • @chriscollum5658
      @chriscollum5658 5 років тому +5

      this is probably the beginnings of new material that will turn into his next tour/special cycle eventually. would make sense if he test drove it on the end of the last tour/hosting snl this time

    • @mar-wr4io
      @mar-wr4io 5 років тому +3

      Do you realize he used to write for SNL and he would write monologues for celebrities

    • @tejaswoman
      @tejaswoman 5 років тому +2

      @@mar-wr4io - Yes, and apparently he was co-writer on one of my single favorite monologues ever, Justin Timberlake's song about how he wasn't going to sing.

  • @alexispleizier-evans9376
    @alexispleizier-evans9376 3 роки тому +497

    john “i used to do cocaine”
    john “im happily married”
    this makes me so sad :/

  • @nickolasrojas845
    @nickolasrojas845 5 років тому +167

    He could’ve been Timon from the lion king

  • @sophieimm6321
    @sophieimm6321 4 роки тому +52

    I feel like he secretly just gets annoyed when people clap for him in the middle of a joke or like after and that just makes him better.

  • @treefiddytwoo
    @treefiddytwoo 5 років тому +195

    yo he came out swinging, wasn’t expecting that!! had me in stitches 🤣👌

  • @tobimakkura
    @tobimakkura 5 років тому +446

    They seriously just need to let comedians do the monologue their way. This was actually decent

    • @monkeythief5
      @monkeythief5 5 років тому +3

      Tobi Makkura They have though. But I believe there were a few times some comedians were a bit too controversial for the show, and the show got some heat for it.

    • @Tracymmo
      @Tracymmo 5 років тому +9

      They do with stand up comedians. Many other people struggle with the monologue format though.

  • @ashleycharrette5243
    @ashleycharrette5243 5 років тому +533

    John Mulaney is so weird I love him

    • @okkcomputer
      @okkcomputer 5 років тому

      whats weird about him? everything to you fucking millenials is weird and random, go fuck yourself

    • @okkcomputer
      @okkcomputer 5 років тому

      @Ashlyn Haley nope

    • @minxxaii7369
      @minxxaii7369 4 роки тому +11

      Damn y'all flipped the fuck out over this comment

    • @tianna6933
      @tianna6933 4 роки тому +2

      @@minxxaii7369 fr lmao

    • @kelxy4105
      @kelxy4105 4 роки тому +5

      He’s weirdly attractive for a tall child

  • @Balin93
    @Balin93 3 роки тому +6

    This set is SO tight. Every expression and gesture is deliberate, no words are wasted. Brilliant.

  • @katiexyz3263
    @katiexyz3263 5 років тому +96

    I love it when the band cracks up. Great monologue Mister Mulaney

  • @cameronengel5443
    @cameronengel5443 5 років тому +176

    I loved this so much! John Mulaney owns the stage! I guess it takes a great writer to know what really works!

  • @vicjoseromero
    @vicjoseromero 5 років тому +91

    Born and raised in NYC. That description is completely accurate. I'm so glad that he brought up the psychology of the subway announcements. I hope he'll someday mention how the male voice reminds us that sexual harassment is illegal. Yikes!

    • @MOaxol
      @MOaxol 5 років тому +6

      Victor Romero they have to...remind yall that sexual harassment is illegal?

    • @tejaswoman
      @tejaswoman 5 років тому

      The Dallas rail announcement voice has the names of the routes spliced in or something, because she always sounds like she forgot for a moment which one we're on:
      "This is the... [overly long pause] Green Line."

  • @JaimeNix_
    @JaimeNix_ 5 років тому +306

    Damn, I’d love to see his standup. Such good delivery!

    • @mac4951
      @mac4951 5 років тому +51

      His Netflix specials are soooo good!!!

    • @haidenphillips410
      @haidenphillips410 5 років тому +8

      It's even better in person, he's amazing

    • @DMO-DMO-DMO
      @DMO-DMO-DMO 5 років тому +9

      @@haidenphillips410 yeah and he's even better in bed!

    • @brownkemosabe
      @brownkemosabe 5 років тому +6

      @@DMO-DMO-DMO hahaha is this the wife?

    • @rowanfaris200
      @rowanfaris200 5 років тому +10

      Jaime Berg the comeback kid on Netflix is a must see

  • @indiag89
    @indiag89 5 років тому +148

    The old timey siren sounds he did sound exactly like our tornado sirens in Oklahoma.

  • @ColeHolio2294
    @ColeHolio2294 5 років тому +17

    Jesus, he killed it man, I was in tears almost the whole time. One of the best opening monologues in years and years!

  • @angelcanez4426
    @angelcanez4426 5 років тому +43

    He's slowly becoming my favorite host he's killed it both times he's done it.

  • @harlequin5664
    @harlequin5664 5 років тому +831

    is that Pete Davidson's friend?

    • @katebattista7400
      @katebattista7400 5 років тому +190

      I think it's his lawyer.

    • @tejaswoman
      @tejaswoman 5 років тому +72

      @@katebattista7400 - That, or the coach with the controversial rookie.

    • @MissAmesha
      @MissAmesha 5 років тому +64

      It's that tall child.

    • @obiwankenobi1552
      @obiwankenobi1552 5 років тому +83

      It’s our favorite Asian-American woman.

    • @brenyatta
      @brenyatta 5 років тому +28

      It’s the lawyer, and conceptual piss artist, Shy

  • @cristianleo1247
    @cristianleo1247 5 років тому +1427

    Don’t get me wrong, the monologue was hilarious, but I couldn’t get past his feminine hips.

    • @bossfan49
      @bossfan49 5 років тому +78

      resting just below his high waist.

    • @Alien0426
      @Alien0426 5 років тому +210

      Come on, that’s the thing he’s most sensitive about!

    • @OKatsby
      @OKatsby 5 років тому +131

      Well, he is a a proud, Asian-American woman.

    • @tejaswoman
      @tejaswoman 5 років тому +27

      This phenomenon kind of reminds me about what he says to the non-Catholics "sorry, didn't mean to exclude you, even though we love to exclude you"... We Mulaney fans are kind of the same way. We like to call out to each other in the comments, knowing full well we're going to confuse the hell out of everybody who hasn't seen the show in question and not caring because it's just so much fun to signal each other with our code.
      Which reminds me: do you think he still doesn't tell that little monster when they applaud her?

    • @2thatonegirl16
      @2thatonegirl16 5 років тому +14

      No!! He's sensitive about that!!

  • @ginabell694
    @ginabell694 5 років тому +96

    "I was watching TCM, cuz I was not an athletic child."
    Same

  • @ZanraiKid
    @ZanraiKid 5 років тому +101

    “He’s in cat hospice.”
    What is it about that line that’s so melodic?

  • @romansousa5301
    @romansousa5301 5 років тому +61

    First time in years that
    I actually laughed out loud during a SNL monologue. Funny stuff!!!

  • @stephanietaylor6069
    @stephanietaylor6069 5 років тому +145

    I just
    John Mulaney is a national treasure

  • @PurpleSnappingTurtle
    @PurpleSnappingTurtle 5 років тому +615

    i am a Petunia stan first, human second.
    she will always be the alpha, no matter how many times John pretends to eat dinner at 4:30 in the afternoon.

    • @michellehopelamb5353
      @michellehopelamb5353 5 років тому +11

      HeyItsReagan why do I feel like he’s still doing this in the hopes the power dynamic will change?

    • @kz1000ps
      @kz1000ps 5 років тому +12

      I got to meet Petunia a couple weeks ago!! She's so much cuter than I thought she'd be lol

    • @veraryzhik
      @veraryzhik 5 років тому +4

      mmmm dinner!

    • @tejaswoman
      @tejaswoman 5 років тому +1

      @@kz1000ps - so would that make her better or worse as Jesus in front of the turkey?

    • @playgroundchooser
      @playgroundchooser 5 років тому +1

      Is this a secret spy code??

  • @juliannemclaughlin6352
    @juliannemclaughlin6352 5 років тому +104

    I started crying at “STAND CLEAR OF THE CLOSING DOORS PLEASE” L M F A O

  • @galactic7458
    @galactic7458 3 роки тому +42

    “Doing cocaine will not make your ex girlfriend get back together with you.”
    O u c h

  • @ajwelsh3191
    @ajwelsh3191 5 років тому +470

    Look at that man with those feminine hips.

    • @rachelgrubbs
      @rachelgrubbs 5 років тому +55

      Nooo, that’s what he’s sensitive about!

    • @chrissiek8706
      @chrissiek8706 5 років тому +20

      Proud Asian American woman he is!

    • @LeAlejx
      @LeAlejx 5 років тому +12

      @@chrissiek8706 a real tiger mom

    • @twaticunthearyou1
      @twaticunthearyou1 5 років тому +1

      got that high waist

  • @roseJ96
    @roseJ96 5 років тому +41

    That joke with Woody Allen and Soon-Yi Previn. Amazing.

  • @VivaLaVittoria
    @VivaLaVittoria 5 років тому +21

    omg when he was imitating the DJ cop car sirens I was dying. It is so true. I adore John Mulaney, he's the perfect combo of 50's throwback and boyish charm.

  • @katyk829
    @katyk829 3 роки тому +243

    Oof the cocaine joke hits differently now

    • @laycebug3260
      @laycebug3260 3 роки тому +1

      right

    • @robertanderson1690
      @robertanderson1690 3 роки тому +72

      It makes it a bit sadder to think about, sure, but this is a problem John has always had and there was always the possibility of relapse, especially in the situation the world just found itself in, don't let that make you stop laughing at jokes, because he would never have told them if he didn't want you to laugh at them regardless of the situation.

    • @rx500android
      @rx500android 3 роки тому +1

      Ikr

    • @Soda_Joy
      @Soda_Joy 3 роки тому +1

      :(((

    • @ItsShahrzadG
      @ItsShahrzadG 3 роки тому

      what happened?

  • @rebelliouslyartistic
    @rebelliouslyartistic 5 років тому +55

    2:44 that subtle nod after he says, “Don’t google is!” kinda throws me off guard, because it’s meant to be comedically ominous but the delivery makes it better.

  • @stalinov91
    @stalinov91 5 років тому +388

    Finally, not an actor with SNL cast members having to walk in and disrupt throughout the monologue to make it "funny".

    • @systemBuilder
      @systemBuilder 5 років тому +38

      He was once an snl writer. He knows just how the game is played!

    • @dajosee
      @dajosee 5 років тому +12

      Since he was an SNL Writer for years, they must have faith in him

    • @StanfordChiou
      @StanfordChiou 5 років тому +23

      Not only was he a longtime SNL writer, he's also a very experienced stand-up. He probably does funny monologues most nights of the year.

  • @Heirllionaire
    @Heirllionaire 5 років тому +49

    He was good. He just won himself a John Mulaney fan...plus he was Spider Ham so it was pretty good momentum.

  • @JimmyJam154
    @JimmyJam154 5 років тому +194

    Man, stand up comedians are great at monologues

  • @IsyMaxine
    @IsyMaxine 5 років тому +61

    I love how he included the dog i "the 4 of them stared" in his story xD

  • @deadmemes3122
    @deadmemes3122 5 років тому +116

    That clarinet player in the background looks so entertained by John Mulaney's comedy
    Edit: (it's probably not a clarinet, I'm an idiot and it's 3 am)

    • @Publiclighthouse
      @Publiclighthouse 5 років тому +4

      He always looks like he is having a good time. Watch him during Dave Chappell’s monologue. Thats entertaining as well.