My husband & I have tried conventional approaches through 3 different marriages counselors over the course of our 28 year marriage. We were introduced to your work (several weeks after announcing to our family we were mutually separating and planning divorce.) We both have gained so much insight and are now working to repair our marriage in a way that we never have before. Something that seemed so broken has been given new hope and new life thanks to your attachment theory work and your videos. We are indebted to you, Heidi ❤️
(Btw, we strongly identify with being an anxious- avoidant relationship- just can’t thank you enough for making information on attachment styles understandable and for providing practical strategies for doing the healing work)
Yes, congrats to you for hanging in there and trying to find solutions and answers. Hopefully you not only stay together but through a greater understanding of the dynamics taking place between the two of you, your marriage actually becomes better than ever! All the best!
This is the most thoroughly well-balanced, non-blaming, well-structured, masterfully delivered, least triggering, profoundly insightful, exceptionally clear, remarkably nuanced, deeply empathetic, highly accessible, wonderfully inclusive, incredibly empowering, and astonishingly transformative guide to navigating the complexities of anxious-avoidant relationship dynamics I have ever encountered. I now have a true path forward and have never been so hopeful
As an update, no matter how good this video is it doesn't make any difference if your partner just flat out refuses to even entertain the idea of watching the video let alone practicing what she suggests.
Yes, yes, yes!!! All of this! This is the video I chose to show my boyfriend to get us started on this journey together! (I am the avoidant and he is the anxious) and I have been able to map out where to start and where to go moving forward with this video alone! It is so hard to find fair stuff to work with because everyone else seems to believe avoidants are evil and the anxious is an angel wich is not helpful at all lol Thank you so much Heidi ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤
@JaradDeLorenzo This is why I gave my partner an ultimatum. He believes this kind of stuff is bullshit and I told him either we put real work in together or I'm out cause I can't live like this anymore and I w
@@JaradDeLorenzo Oof, very true. That's why I gave my boyfriend an ultimatum. Either we do this work together and take it seriously or I'm out because I can't live like this anymore, its exhausting. It eventually reaches a breaking point where you just can't take it anymore and need to make a decision for yourself. Do I just accept this is the way it is and stay?? Is it worth it to do that?? I originally decided it was worth it and to just accept this is the way we are and that was because he wasn't willing to try any of this when I first presented it a year ago, but no matter how much I love him I just couldn't take it anymore and had to lay the choice out because what's the point if you are just miserable and stressed all the time?? Life is too short.
@@sloanmagnum5009 our natural instincts kicking in and hurting the other person without realising. He loves his personal space and can ignore me for days without realising which drives me crazy. But I’m very affectionate I like giving lots of kisses and cuddles so I think I’m being nice and giving him what he wants…but it makes him want to pull away. It sounds like a recipe for disaster. We’ve had several talks about this. We inevitably decide the best thing first us is to just be friends….but we met up recently for a concert and….we’re definitely not JUST friends!! This keeps happening over and over. We pull away to protect ourselves, miss each other like crazy then come back and it’s amazing, but I’m always left wanting more than he can give.
@@sloanmagnum5009 both want intimacy, one seeks reassurance that the partner won't be abandoned and the other pulls away from being triggered by being overwhelmed with emotions cos it's too much so they shut down and distance n push you away
I saw this literally 5 days too late.😢 I understand the end of my spiraling 25 yr love storey now. We both loved each other soo much but couldn't find the problem. Always blaming each other. I've been blocked from all contact so can't share this with the other to hopefully bring closure for them also could've given a quicker recovery. Because I truly care for and hope they find happiness,peace and not feel at all to blame from a problem neither of us where at fault.Sad😢 Thank you for your advice Truly grateful for this Thank you Thank you
I just wish EVERYONE in this comment section luck with these types of relationships. I hope everyone finds their happiness whether it’s with your partners, or whether you decide to walk away. It sucks loving a person so deeply, and knowing that they cannot express these feelings back to you, whether it are secure or anxious. Every one has something to work on, and I hope that everyone will succeed in their journeys. ❤
Never saw any video like this in all the years going through videos about this dynamics topic. It's so much to the point and real that I just have to thank for it and hope for more to come and be accessible to everyone to be able to progress in their life.
I agree. I think Heidi’s videos require a deep context that can only be acquired by watching other sources, YT channels, reading some authors, etc, but when you are there you notice that her content takes that knowledge and goes way deeper into actual causes and methods of internal self revelation. Outstanding.
4:15 "those who err more anxious on the attachment spectrum learned and internalized from a young age, if I don't make my needs very loudly and consistently known, I will be abandoned." another gem, true to my life and well put.
I have to say that as an anxious attached, I do not recognise this at all in my early years as toddler or whatever. Only from my teens the anxiety disorder started ruining relationships in this way of excessively needing assurance. ✌🏽
The crazy part was when I went off on my own and accomplished amazing things, like performing or becoming a very social kid or exploring my own style of writing or humor, my parents didn’t often notice it or credit it, because I didn’t bring these goals to them and do them the way they would have done them. My dad used to really sort of do a lot of my projects in school, until one day I was up late (he’d stay up late with me), and he didn’t get the weird writing I was trying. He just threw his hands up and stopped helping me after that. He never really acknowledged my success in school after that. For my mom, it was the same thing, if I didn’t do what she thought it meant I didn’t care if she died. I didn’t realize until I dated an avoidant, how much I needed the dialogue to be reassuring and for us to verbalize our emotions, so that I wasn’t afraid to go out on my own and be abandoned for doing so. Really all I wanted was to feel safe acting as free as the avoidant without losing everyone in the process. I guess the thing that’s badass about avoidants, is they often do lose everyone, and they go their own way anyway. I’ve learned to absolutely love my shadow because of this new lens. Thanks Carl Jung, we’ll said Heidi
I just told someone the other day that I came to the realization that I was always holding onto hope subconsciously that prince charming was coming for me and that he would make everything ok. But I realized he isn't a real person, it's me. I am the person I have been waiting for to step up and do the hard things and have confidence, etc. then I found your videos and I am learning so much!! I am the anxious person and my husband is avoidant. I am excited to work on my own emotional regulation and self reliance and see what happens between us! Pretty nervous too ...
YES! Why would you pick someone and change them? And why would you not work on yourself, so you get better at life? Do you see how insane your comment is? Yes, work on yourself. Don't manipulate others to change. If they change with your help, it's their journey with your help. Ouf.
Correct. It's especially beneficial to arrive at that understanding while single. Become your own self-sufficient person who realizes they want connection to (through meaningful friendships and measured dating occurences) and life is pretty good. It's just so hard to get there if your body is sending alarm signals to you constantly. That's why I found physically uncomfortable things to be helpful. It's a great proxy for mental discomfort. If you can get yourself to maintain good technique in a lift, or relax into a deeper stretch, it's basically the exact same mental skill that's being honed.
@@williambrookings722I believe changing yourself in isolation can be actually good. There is no unnecessary outside influence of finding your authentic self. You basically learn about your self, your wants and needs. Not relying on emotional support from someone else or a support circle that influences your wants, needs and self. Good example: Go solo traveling. You don’t have someone with you to make decisions for you, wants or needs. You become a problem solver by learning about your wants and needs which makes it a personal trip.
5 Questions: (Timestamp 21:10) 1 Am I ready for the relationship’s power dynamic to drastically change? 2 How am I going to deal with the insecurity that will arise when I finally start looking at my partner as my true equal? 3 How can I proactively work to stop triggering my own shadow traits in my partner? 4 Am I willing to take a sober look at this relationship and be realistic about the ways that we are and are not compatible? 5 Am I willing to focus at least 5x harder on my own change and growth than on my partner's?
1:55 "it might get you a relationship where you're not triggering each other as actively. that's not the same thing as healing the relational dynamic." another gem, true to my life and well put. I've been desperately trying to avoid triggering my partner in hopes that this would help our relationship to heal.
This is so true. As an anxiously attached partner I remember having experienced thoughts like "I'm gonna be so happy and pleased when they allow themselves to need me" and then proceed to feeling disgust when they actually do, and it has been one of the greatest misteries and sources of confusion and shame for me in those relationships
Yeah, that disgust feeling I felt when my dominant ex acted vulnerable one night has always been a mystery, and I also felt shame for feeling disgust. This video is so difficult for me to watch because it is so spot on. I had anxious attachment from early childhood neglect (last of 6 kids, family dysfunctional). I have been alone for 9 years processing all this information that Heidi just sums up so brilliantly and then brings it to another level. I just discovered this channel 2 weeks ago and it is the best source of healing from attachment issues I have ever encountered.
Do you mind me asking for an example of the disgust you felt? I guess I find myself attracted more stereotypical “feminine” traits in a man such as compassion, sensitivity, and less manly traits. I think I need an example because I’m a bit lost lol. Unless maybe it will awaken some part of me that feels the need to be protected in a “manly” man’s arms where I am the wounded one. Who knows!
Chiming in here, I’m curious how you figure that compassion/ empathy is not protective? I could see how it seems less traditionally masculine because men are often conditioned to be avoidant and emotionally ignorant
I know I'm a different person but I've also had a dominant ex who acted vulnerable in a way that led me to feel disgust. They were feeling triggered because I wanted to leave and get space from them instead of having sex. They voiced their discomfort by crying and their open palms. Grasping for me motioning me to hug them or something and I felt just utter disgust the feeling almost turned to anger but I just told them I had to go. I felt very blank-faced not like my normal self at they reacted To rejection by crying or wretching like as if they were sick from me leaving, they had such big spouts of anxiety It led to them feeling sick/sad and me feeling disgusted.@@MT-zm1yb
Wow, absolutely MIND-BLOWING video on what's really behind the anxious avoidant trap. This also explains sooooo much why I, as an avoidant-leaning fearful avoidant, have always been so terrified of showing any vulnerability to anxious types, despite them claiming they want that. They may think they want that, but until they are more healed, they *don't* actually want that, and will in fact often respond to it in hurtful and/or belittling ways. On the flip side, what you said about the comfortable position of the avoidant just hanging back while everyone comes to them and not actually wanting to lose that role even as they complain about it because then they would have to risk vulnerability and potential rejection is so, so true, and so relatable. I also absolutely loved your metaphor of the drunken couple who finally wake up sober and then have to figure out whether they even like and want to be with the person across the pillow from them or not. Sharing, and bravo.
Carl Jung’s writing on the Shadow was the bridge that helped me understand the unknown parts of me that were missing as avoidant person. It was Running on Empty by Jonice Webb that was the key that unlocked the door to what it means to feel and how the body is used in that process. This video was the last link I needed to help me, an avoidant man, and my anxious wife to heal together. Thank you.
Me too, I think Jung should be mentioned in every video like this. He absolutely changed my life after dating an avoidant while I was very anxious. I find that he is not well known for his tour de force The Red Book, which to me should be considered among the great works. Possibly the greatest. Like if we had a book documenting our first conversations with aliens or something, that included a way for us to contact them ourselves. Only the aliens are archetypes inside of us, meaning that everything outside of us, is ours. I mean, what kind of self help book gives you the medicine like that??
I’ve not commented on many videos of any type. But this video was a “lightbulb” moment for me. You just explained how a lot of guys lean towards avoidant begin to become vulnerable, their female partner whose more anxious now loses attraction because they then see them as “needy”. Wow! 😮 Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! A lot of this makes so much sense, and how I need to work on myself. Edit: I’ve saved this to watch again and it’s just such a good video.
Wow. My avoidant partner left me 3 weeks ago. Sadly, we did not make it; our attachment issues completely crashed this 4 year relationship in a slow and painful way. He already has a crush on another woman and says he does not love me anymore and is not attracted to me because of my emotional neediness. From his perspective, I was the issue in the relationship, and from my perspective, it was his emotional unavailability. Well, I will now focus all my energy to heal during this time alone. I wonder if he'll do the same. Anyway, this really is one of the best if not the best video on the topic, so thank you for making it.
Sounds like you had an avoidant that discarded you and quickly moved on in order NOT not to do the inner work he needs to be a healthy partner. Onto ruining another nice unsuspecting person..😂😂😂
Be happy he is out of your life and the pain of living with this emotionally unavailable is not continuing. He won't change he is using the emotions to hook this other woman but when he has her he will revert to type . Now you know this type of man exists never stay when they become emotionally unavailable value who you are you wouldn't be anxious if he wasn't so unavailable. There are norms what to expect in a relationship if they aren't there leave❤. All the best 🎉
It's like I wrote this myself!But understanding what actually happened (now after the second break-up because of my being "emotionally needy"), has helped me in part of my healing. It's like I would never have been able to even grasp it before of the emotional pain of the break-up.I have an abandonment wound.As painful as it has been, I see it now as some kind of forced emotional education.There's no way I would have susbmitted to it voluntarily.😅It also helps me stay away from my former partner because it's been only too obvious that he will use any technique ie distraction/numbing to avoid inner work - addiction to social media, Netflix binges, sweets bingeing, probably trying dating soon.
Thank you, this was really helpful for me. I am the avoidant in my marriage and everything was okay until my mother passed away. I think that brought a lot of my vulnerability to the surface and I tried so hard to avoid dealing with it and emotionally shut myself away from everyone - including my children. After a few months, I realised that I can’t keep living this way and have been stumbling awkwardly ever since. It’s been 4.5 years and I only feel like now I can work on myself and my triggers, but I also lost my father last year and I think that caused a different level of grief I wasn’t anticipating. Maybe I had been working on myself and now I was faced with vulnerability but didn’t want to run from it, so I had the emotions and didn’t know how to respond to them. Like you said “these are skills you are developing” so here I am developing new skills and the awkward stumbling until they are mastered.
I swear, your videos keep getting better and better. You go in-depth into relationship dynamics and healing from trauma in such an eloquent, detailed but easily digestible way for those that may not have access to the same educational resources, that not many content creators in this space can pull off. Thank you so much for everything you do! Keep it up!
Exactly! I told my mom to not miss a single video of her about anxiety, not judge by her apparent age... it just seems some people age wisely sooner and are really good at putting the inner details into words!
HOLY FRIJOLES!!! REVELATION!!! This is me and my husband. All these years I’ve been wondering why I’m the one who provides all the emotion in the relationship. Phew, I can take a break and need to work on my shadow. So grateful to know this. I look forward to my honey’s eventual awkward emotional proximity seeking behaviors. I’ll be prepared to respond with maturity.
After my fearful avoidant partner and I (anxious) had our first fight she went into full avoidant, told me to live my life more and leave her alone. I said "you're right" and did exactly that, and her shocked reaction was priceless. And as you said, it forced her to do the work, realise her own issues and start therapy.
Excellent. My wife and I discovered we’re in an anxious-avoidant relationship and we’re both committed to heal. We’ve accepted this will be hard for both of us and we will change. We both fear the people we will become. However, we know it’s for the best and this video is a map for us to understand what’s on the road ahead. Thank you.
This is putting to words something I've observed happening in myself while trying to heal my anxious-leaning attachment (I'm disorganized so it's a slightly different flavour, but definitely anxious-leaning). I do sometimes overcorrect into feeling the disgust you mentioned - largely disgust that's sprouted from resentment. I think it's not just "I'm so not okay, how can you rely on me?", but also when seeing my avoidant partner begin to acknowledge and change themselves: "I have spent months, maybe even years, trying to coax you out of your shell so we can inter-regulate - and _now_ that I'm finally learning how to be independent and self-reliant, is when you come to me with vulnerability? Dude!!!" 😂 I love that you pointed out to introspect 5x harder on oneself than on one's partner. Sitting the resentment for the time spent knocking on their door, making peace with the times those knocks weren't answered, forgiving myself and them for how we coped - this seems to be the answer. It'll take some time but per usual, appreciate the ways your video challenges the core of how we behave so we can change for the better!
This comment strikes me as such a raw and honest look into what healing these dynamics actually looks like. I appreciate you for sharing it and am cheering on your progress 🙏💛
I relate hard to your comment. I hope you don’t mind me asking, but do you have any tips on “making peace with the times those knocks weren’t answered”? 5 years of unanswered knocks have left their mark and while I’ve grown a lot during that time and don’t get triggered nearly as often as I used to, I still find myself stuck in (emotional) flashbacks in my less resourced moments. It’s frustrating, I feel I can be proud of my growth and achievements 90% of the time and respond from a present and balanced place. But then my nervous system recognizes something and a flashback hits and the accumulated pain of all those knocks hits me like a truck and I’m right back to reacting from that place of past pain. I know I need to process the pain I suppressed but the things I’ve been trying don’t seem effective. If you have any suggestions to share I’d be forever grateful! Wishing you peace, strength, and healing on your journey!
You just explained my situation 😢 Imagine after all 5 years he couldn't commit but now that I have done the work on myself and my AA I feel more secured and confident that I can live without him ..boom he is like babes I promise you this time everything is OK I can commit to our relationship,I will stop seeing other girls ....I am literally not in mood to play along anymore...not interested in his bullshit of a commitment when I needed it badly u couldn't commit then why now boo??something fishy going on with him🤔
This is one of the best, most helpful videos on the topic of a relationship between these two opposite types. I can 101% relate, and appreciate the advice.
One of the best videos by Heidi. As an anxious I can see that unless I accept that I must be careful about being too rational about a relationship without giving the partner time to adjust.
I feel like I have gone down a rabbit hole. I found you a few months ago and realized immediately that I am avoidant leaning anxious/fearful. I am a grown adult and recently had a altercation with my parents and daughter. I was watching a video yesterday which led me to Rebecca C. Mandeville you tube channel. I have not stopped crying since. After watching many episodes on Family Scapegoat Abuse, I am finally able to see what happened. It is so validating to have a name for it and no longer feel crazy. They used Darvo on me the other day and I literally lost it. Then my dad said to my mom, "You can't talk to her right now, she has gone into a manic episode" (I am not bi-polar). I am still here to work on the relationship with my husband but the can of worms this opened is going to take a long time to sort out, and goes far beyond him and I. Thanks for what you are doing. Even though it is very painful to see the truth, at least I can move forward now. We have kids and we are very committed to them. So we will try our best to get through to the other side, as a couple and family. The dysfunctional family structure is still in play and grown. I am feeling a lot of grief today so I guess that is a good first step.
Thankyou so much. You are a Godsend whether you are a believer or not. You have literally unlocked a Christian couple’s gridlock which was causing a huge amount of distress 🙏🏼
THE REAL TEA!! it is so spiritual! 4 years in and it took shadow work that lead me to channels like this to close cycles in my life. I still have my days but what I used to feel safe in doing- my attachments now feel repelled and dare I say.. repulsive? This could just be a good period im in though so I'll check my comment back in a month 😅
Omg this is EXACTLY what and why my fiance and I have been bumping heads(more then just that) lately. I could not understand how we have both been in classes and therapy and working on ourselves and separate places and the separate counselors we both grown and not better on our own but trying to come together and be together it seems like there's more conflict and intensified stressed than there ever was in the first place
i am so glad i found you. i thought my significant other was just a wall that i couldn’t break down but with all of this information i can see exactly why he would have this wall up. im the anxious attachment obviously and in hindsight i can see i pushed him so far to open up that he just shut down. i’m talking to him this weekend and im hoping he has the grace to hear me out.
Wow. Great video. I went through this shadow healing work with my partner. It took us 10 years with the help of a well seasoned therapist who does this work specifically. We have a bit more to do and have recently decided to stay together after assessing our compatibility. We are both a little sad that it took us so long as we are both in our early 60’s-but better late than never. Thank you for your wonderful and precise explanations- you are so thoughtful and helpful.
This is a very common reason why couples that successfully heal from infidelity end up divorcing. Self-healing changes not only the dynamics of every interpersonal relationship but also oneself’s awareness of past experiences that define such relationships.
@@lucaslouzada44 oh okay. maybe I just misread your comment. But it does makes sense with what Heidi says in the video too…I think if however they did start of as friends with a more secure attachment and then the situation turning romantic triggers both of their insecure attachment styles or if they started off getting to know each other in a more steady way, I think this type of divorce after healing may be less likely to happen as the people would’ve been able to properly asses compatibility first and ACTUALLY like each other/be more compatible. What do you think? you seem knowledgeable about this topic…
@@NatalyG73 There’s a lot of nuance to it. Compatibility is far from a key-and-lock type of thing, and fearful avoidants v. g. normally feel incompatible in their own individuality - i. e. in their relationship with themselves. People try to see it in such a simple way not only because of its romantic appeal, but because it’s easier to pretend there’s no effort involved. Compatiblity between persons is a rather variable range, equilibrium in any relationship is often dynamic and maintaining it demands hard work sometimes - even when it comes to securely attached people entirely positive about what they want. When both people in the couple heal - meaning individually - the restoration of the relationship involves rebuilding it upon an individual awareness concerning an authenticity that requires boundaries. Most times the newly found and self-conscious identities, where both people commit to a stable set of values and parameters, can rebuild upon past experiences together - it may take a lot of work, but it’s nonetheless feasible. Sometimes, though, healing changes the meaning of a couple’s prior life so completely that it seems as if every new design of such relationship hits a personal boundary or lacks that natural reciprocity no matter how much you try to adjust it. In fact, it takes time and patience to figure those nuances out, but personal healing is the most important part of the process in any case.
0:50 "where a lot of anxious/avoidant couples end up is in this place where they're both trying to change the relationship dynamic through convincing their partner to change themselves or their attachment issues." awesome! this rings so true, for me. thank you for putting this into words. I live this tension, for better or for worse. I'm denying this my own 'need' to convince my partner to change her avoidant attachment, but right past the denial, the need remains.
Thank you so much for your videos. Not only do I watch many of them over and over, I also take notes. It's amazing how much I've learned not just about myself but others in these past 6 months I've been following you. Two minutes in, you explained exactly what was suggested to myself and ex when we went to counseling. It made things worse, it just felt like our differences were further magnified. I regularly make my teenage daughters watch your videos because I do not want them to make the same mistakes I made for most of my adult life. Your explanations are so well organized and delivered in a simple, clear way that anyone can understand. I wish these sort of topics were taught in high school. Once again, thank you so much.
I've come to realize that I have never been emotionally attached or available in any of my romantic relationships or friendships. I've always been there for them emotionally but never let them in. It's no wonder that break ups are a breeze. I never realized that I was deliberately seeking partners I never loved due to intimacy issues. Intuitively I knew I didn't have a strong connection with them or love them. Now I know the areas I need to focus on. Thank you for the video, information, and advice. It has been profound. ❤
@@smokingcrab2290 it's a painful lonely existence and it comes from either having been manipulated so badly by a narc, or other trauma from severe mistreatment
@@mariknutson7307 thank you. You are right. I'm still at the back end of one of these and it hurts knowing you were never loved by them but utilised and one sided. It's no excuse but an explanation of my ignorant comment. Thx again
Certain aspects were incredibly insightful. Ex. Clunky display of emotions by avoidant can evoke disgust in the anxiously attached person, the power dynamic and also focus 5X more on self:) Thanks Heidi!
I lean anxious and have been on a healing journey for about two years now. Lately, I have been experiencing confusion around my desire to drag my feet in finalizing my divorce. When I am thinking clearly, I am proud of myself for the success I have had in separating from my husband and learning to take care of and defend myself. So, I didn't understand if there was maybe something I was missing that was causing this gut feeling that I should wait longer. Watching this video today finally drove home what I have been hanging on to - the comfort and safety I found in my avoidant partner that fulfilled my childhood savior complex. It also drove home that what I am/was seeking isn't real, but just a signal to continue the deep work of healing. It really was the missing piece for me. Thank you so much for making this video.
@@srugel44 I got the divorce. What I was seeking from my husband was the love I wasn't giving to myself - and that didn't make a good basis for a healthy relationship.
Thank you so much, Heidi. I don’t know a better way to share a question for you other than in the comments, and you always ask whether we have questions, so…here goes…I have some questions about self-regulation (apologies as I know this is tangential to this video): I had no concept of emotional self-regulation or co-regulation before you introduced them. I am now at the point where I can sometimes recognize unhealthy self-regulation and shift gears, but often I'm stuck with, okay, what do I do instead? Some questions that come up for me are: - What are the signs that you need regulation? What are the signs that say "Hey, stop what you are doing right now and self-regulate or co-regulate" vs. the signs that say "um, no emergency at the moment, but it looks like you need some self-regulation or co-regulation on a more regular basis, like, this weekend"? - How do you know when you are regulated? What are the signs that you are regulated and can say "good job, self!" Or for the anxious among us, so you can say, "It's okay to relax; you don't need to take action right now”? - What are some of the classic useful tools for healthy self-regulation and what does that look like for an insecurely attached person who is trying them out as tools for the first time? Would you share with us a list of possible things, or at least a list of what things tell you that something is working as a good tool for self-regulation? - Would you tell us more about some of the common debatably-effective-but-best-replaced tools for self-regulation? It's especially hard to reach for new tools when you're triggered. So being able to recognize the less healthy tools and look instead to a list of healthier options could be helpful in those moments. I would appreciate help building that awareness. - When we're a little ways into this journey and have a few healthy self-regulation tools in our toolkit, what happens when one or more of them is suddenly unavailable to us? Encouragement for developing new self-regulation tools, a bullet list of tools to try, and a reminder of why it's worth persisting to find new tools for this would be helpful. I wish there was a video from you that I could replay to remind myself of other tools and how to switch gears and and continue self-regulating when the old tool isn't working or isn't available. A sort of menu of possible healthy options could be helpful. - Why do we need to co-regulate, not just self-regulate? What does co-regulation give us that we can't give ourselves? Or does it? What does co-regulation offer us that is better than self-reliance? What are the psychology and biology behind it? - What are the things to look for to identify a person who will be a healthy co-regulator (or co-regulation partner?) Especially when we know nobody is perfect, what are the big clues that someone is or isn't a good person to co-regulate with? - And what about co-regulation with pets or nature or other non-humans? Not sure if that fits into your philosophy, but it might be helpful to hear if it is. I want to be sure you know the world is waiting eagerly for this one! Maybe you've already thought of it or made it. I hope so. If I'm ready for (and, truth be told, hungry) for it, I'm betting I'm one of many. Thank you again for all you do. I know it's a pretty loud chorus saying this already, but I'll add my voice: Your work has changed my life, and my relationship with myself and others. I will always pay it forward, and if you need anything, let us know how we can give back.
These are both very potent and super clearly articulated questions! 🙏 I’m pasting them all into a word doc to see what I can come up with in the way of future videos around these topics. Stay posted 😊
@@heidipriebe1 Amazing and very much appreciated. Even watching today’s video, I was thinking, if I’m going to attempt to integrate my shadow traits, and it’s going to potentially destabilize my closest relationships, I’d best be prepared for stronger self regulation in the wake of that change. Deep gratitude always!
Great questions! In the meantime you may find Deb Dana's work helpful. I have her book Anchored and that's all about regulation in the context of polyvagal theory. Easy and accessible.
I would really be interested in hearing Heidi's response to these questions! For me so far, telling whether I'm disregulated or regulated is difficult, but I always know that I am definitely disregulated when I begin thinking specific thoughts that are a pattern I can recognize (because I've thought them so many times before). If I have any thoughts like, "It's not safe to speak, no one cares what I have to say, there is no room for my voice", I know for sure I am disregulated. At that point, I make the decision not to give into that story and I try to create a new one that has more threads of reality in it. That's as far as I've gotten with identifying my own disregulation and re-regulating but it does work whenever I can catch it and go through the exercise before I respond/act.
I am Lost as how to Self-regulate. I am a anxious and my husband is avoidant. 20 years. I am definitely anxious. Even though I have suffered in Thai sexless marriage I stayed because of all the other great parts of him. But no intimacy killed me. Here I am in a huge problem totally dependent on him and him Being resentful of us entering into an open marriage. His wake up call I met someone last year and all Hell broke lose. He claims Betrayal trauma and o do I. All the years he lied about getting help an appeasing me and never doing anything about it. Obviously I have not loved myself enough. Or respected. I clearly am searching to have someone save me or someone to lean on. Because I didn’t get that support from my mother. How do I regulate now and love myself and take care of myself. Currently a severely depressed and super anxious. I Feel like Ia m On a bad dream or maybe I woke up and I am So angry at my husband but all I do is cry. Please how do regulate? How do I heal? Please help me? Hell
I must say I highly appreciate this video. I’ve watched a few videos on “avoidant & anxious attachment styles”, but none really went into details about how to actually *SOLVE* the issue and the problems that come along with doing so. They just explained the styles and left it at that. I love mirror/shadow work. I love evolving and becoming a better lover because I didn’t learn true love growing up. I did have love in my life, but the love I’ve been learning to incorporate into myself the past 5 years or so, has been challenging but life altering and I’m grateful for the opportunities to see life as it should be viewed. Thank you again for this, Heidi.
I watched one of your videos late at night and suddenly I was crying very intensely, the way I cried when I was a child. It took a few more days and tears but I’m good now. I’ve never been good. It’s like I woke up from the longest nightmare. Everything is so nice and exiting. It’s what I wished things could be like but I thought it was unrealistic, that life just sucked in that way. Even if you tried everything and worked hard on yourself, things are just not supposed to be so enjoyable. And now! Even the job I disliked a week ago is fun, because I don’t need to get something out of every interaction. I now I did a lot of work to get here, but your video about shadow work triggered this massive change and I’m very grateful for it. From the bottom of my heart thank you for the work you do❤ I hope a lot more people get to see it and get to live a better life!
This is one of those videos that came out exactly while I'm going through it, and I have been doing shadow work to heal it, which has helped immensely so I can't agree more with this approach! Plus, the bonus is even if you break up the shadow work will still help you move into the next phase of your life.
I dont' know. I dated a severe avoidant for four years. I was patient and understanding. She could never talk about anything even semi deep. I had never dated an avoidant before. All my last relationships have been from outgoing, confident women so I do not think I gravitate to avoidants. From my take of the relationship, she could not handle emotions communication. I tried to tip toe around her attachment methods and approach at a "safe" method. But it never worked. We tried couples counseling. I found the counselor talking to my partner 90% of the time and trying to help her heal her wounds. Not saying I am perfect but at least I can actively recognize, understand and express my feelings which is like number one in any relationship.
"At least I can do xx" is such an accusatory and unhelpful thing to say about somebody. Clearly your partner had some trauma and needed to work through it, but comparing yourself and implying that recognising feelings is the very least you can do is just a very insensitive way to frame it. I hope if anything, these videos teach you that a lot of people's attachment styles are rooted in trauma and are subconscious. I wanna give credit to this woman for attending therapy and trying. I hope her next partner has more respect for her internal struggle.
@@Lilacleaf49065 I appreciate you sharing your opinion. However, she never once admitted she has unresolved trauma. We attended couples therapy as per my request. She did not want to attend and shared hardly anything during our sessions. The therapist focused the majority of the time on her as she could tell it was her avoidant ways that were detrimental to our relationship. I did have respect for her struggle. I saw it from the very beginning of the relationship and tried everything under the sun to help her. The only way she could open up was after a few alcoholic drinks. But it was short lived.
As an avoidant person I can reply to you that at least we can be independent and deal with our own s$&it by ourselves without blaming someone else and get out from a toxic relationship with the dignity anxious lacks … my point is your comment is not useful at all.
I really needed to hear this. I'm an avoidant with another avoidant in a 7 year situationship rollercoaster. Off and on cycle. I'm currently doing my healing and scared to death to have this conversation with him bc he will see me differently. I love him and I think he loves me all the signs are there but no one tells each other and we use sex for closeness. No kissing or cuddling. I decided I'm going to risk it and tell him how I feel and hope he dont get triggered. If it dont work out I feel strong enough to be ok and deal with that emotional pain.
Finally, a solution! I've always heard, "You need to work on..." but they never give an answer. This video totally clicked with me and helped me understand a lot! I also love how you say the same thing but in four different ways so that I can understand your message when one or the others don't register. Thank you so much!
This has got to be the best video I have ever watched about healing the anxious-attachment dynamic and the individual attachments. Thank you so much for this. It has been a 3 year long journey, but this has been far more insightful than all the work i've done in therapy, and all the videos i've watched over the course of years.
Hey Heidi! Great video. My partner and i have separated and I found out about attachment theory shortly after we broke up and the only thing I could think at the time was how late I found out about this and how it could have potentially saved our relationship. Now that I've been trying to heal myself I realized that the break up, although was very painful, was the best thing I that could have happened. I was completely unaware of how I showed up in relationship (anxious). I truly felt that could do no wrong because in my heart I just wanted to love and be loved. I realized how depleted I was and how i was literally outsourcing all of my needs. I'm dealing with the shame and embarrassment of it all but also accepting that I'm a flawed human who is now taking responsibility and accountability for my attachment.
I'm going through the same thing. Realizing how we were in an anxious/avoidant relationship. If I knew all this before maybe things would have been different but I'm not sure he would have tried to look into himself like I am right now. This video is so important because I also feel that just giving space to an avoidant wouldn't work. It has to be 2 people working on it. I gave space and we just grew apart. 🤦🏻♀️
I've read the book 'Attached' and been given guidance that as an anxiously attached person I should find a securely attached partner. Your approach is something I've never come across as far as what needs to happen to heal an existing dynamic and the very real risks in healing. Thank you!
This has been extremely helpful to me for my relationships .... but I also keep giggling because, with your black top and the black stripe in the background, I kept seeing you sitting there with your arms outstretched wide for a hug,
This is pure gold. I could watch it over and over again, and get more and more from it. I’ve sent it onto some other people I know. From the bottom of my heart, thank you.
Hi Heidi ❤ What you say makes so much sense and it puts responsabilities fairly on every one. I love it. I love that it applies to my relationship to my narcissistic soon to be ex wife. I heard so many videos on how narcissists are absolute evil and the other party is just a naive innocent victim. The truth is she is severely anxiously attached and I am mildly avoidant. So when I started to change as I wanted to discover true intimacy, she became massively triggered. But I was ok with my role of savior and regulator until then. I have to admit that her not being as regulated was attrative to me at first as it highlighted my strengths. I have my share of toxicity in that relationship. Now that I think about it, choosing somebody more dysregulated than me made me feel good, superior and secure. I was hiding my own toxicity in that relationship because I would have excuses for my behaviour. Being with someone healthy would have triggered my shame and I would have run away as any typical avoidant would. I have so much to own in order to grow. Thank you for making me aware and giving me tools to deal with it. ❤
Are you confusing NPD with attachement styles? These are two very different things. An unhealthy attachement style doesn't signify narcissism. As a matter of fact, narcs do not form real attachements to people, they don't even see people as human beings, and are constantly operating a facade. When you see the glee that narcs experience after freely abusing/humiliating you, and how better they feel with your misery, then you'll know why they are called evil. I suggest not calling your ex a narc if you don't know what narcissism looks like.
@@namelessbrat7197 I have experienced pretty much everything a relationship with someone with NPD can offer (sleep deprivation, constant blame, daily gaslighting, switching victim and abuser, heavy manipulation, threats, physical and emotional abuse, double standards, financial dependency even when I was the only one working and so on). So I believe I'm quite qualified to call my ex a narcissist. I don't try to justify the pain they cause. I'm just saying they are Stiller human. To get supplies, a narcissist still needs to connect with people (even if it's in a twisted way) so I agree with Heidi that attachment styles also apply to them. They act sadisticly to feel power and no longer feel their own sense of shame and unworthyness. I got discarded when I started to work on myself and started to yearn for a more secure relationship so I can see how those two relate. If as a narcissist, you feel like you need to constantly manipulate and threaten someone for them to stay with you, you are the furthest away for being secure. Lastly, researches have been made about how NPD is formed and the most relevant factor (apart from personal choices) is the behaviour of their parents : Overcaring about achievements, undercaring about emotional ŵorld. If that's not childhood trauma, I don't know what is.
@@srugel44 Unfortunately, she refused to acknowledge her responsability in our lack of emotional intimacy so we had to part ways and get divorced. I was willing to work things through but she insisted that I was the only one to blame for the failure of our relationship and that she didn't have anything to correct.
@@namelessbrat7197 I thought I had responded but I don't see my answer. I experienced the mistreatment and the glee you are talking about. I went through heavy manipulation, sleep deprivation, financial dependency even when I was the only one working, constant blaming and so on and so forth. I'm by no means excusing narcissistic behavior. What I'm saying is they make evil acts because of wrong choices and not because they are inherently evil. I know my ex wife childhood story and I know for facts she has attachment issues. The differences between me and her is that since being a teen I'm trying to own up to my mistakes and give back the guilt that doesn't belong to me while she internalized the shame and guilt and use bashing others to feel better. So I'm not saying she is a good person, I'm saying she is human and 100% responsible of how she turned out.
Hello Heidi, its so fascinating comparing you to your older videos... you present so differently. You cone across guarded, cynical and rebellious in your earlier videos. You now feel peaceful, intelligent, wise, friendly, open and interested in life. The transition is living proof that you have transformed... which means that if i watch ur videos and do everything u say... maybe I could transform... and maybe in less than 4 years! 🎉🎉🎉
I’m in exact situation right now with my wife. She is anxious attachment and I’m avoidant attachment. I been listening to your videos all day yesterday and today. Your insight is magnificent. Currently my relationship is on the rocks and it’s been very difficult. I feel so emotionally stunted all the time. My emotions are so so deep inside me, if feels like a Abyss and I can’t find my emotions. That’s how stunted I’m. Your work is giving me new insight on how to integrate more of my shadow. I have a lot of work to do, thank you for your insight. It is greatly appreciated.
@@chasingblue8952 yes. I grew up in a Hispanic household. When I cried in front of my father he would say “why are you crying, I will give you a reason to cry.” So I would immediately shut down. Also my parents constantly compare me to my older brother who was not good, he had a rough up bringing. I was constantly being told that I’m going to end up like him. There was a lot of angry arguments between my parents. I’m sure there’s much more to it.
Can I ask you a question? I am anxious, my husband is avoidant. I assumed it was the anxious partners doing the research and the avoidants following along, dragging their heels. But I seem to see a lot of avoidants commenting. Are avoidants equally determined, but just not as open about it? Or are the abounds commenting the anomaly?
@@infolater91 I’m very determine to change my behavior and patterns. I been like this my whole life. Growing up in a Hispanic household made me this way. I remember there would be moments I show vulnerability to my father, he would get upset for something I did (Gets angry very quickly). He would say to me “you want to cry, I will give you a reason to cry.” Also the constant fighting, name calling, telling me I’m going to end up like my dead beat brother. Hearing those words constantly broke me inside. I literally just shoved my emotions so deep I can’t even find them myself. It’s been difficult opening up, I realize if I want to change I’m willing to put in the work. I got myself into therapy and got a book about my attachment style. Your husband has to do it for himself, like i’am. I want to change for “me”, not for my wife, for me. I know it will make me really happy. If I keep my distance with my wife, I know for a fact I would do it to our children, I will not let them go through the same emotional trauma i went through. I want to break the cycle. I’m so tired of letting people down, constantly over and over. I feel a great shame at times. What your husband needs to do is allow himself to feel these emotions. He needs to allow the pain to come through, he’s going to mess up and that’s our biggest trigger. Messing things up and we just shut down. He shouldn’t do that, he needs to be soft with you. When he is soft wit you, you become soft as well. When I broke my wife heart, I wasn’t just breaking her, I was breaking my heart as well. I’m acknowledging my shadow, the good and the bad, I feel the bad seeping through the cracks in my relationship. Your husband knows this too, because I would ask myself after the fact “why did I say/do this?” Your husband has to accept the fact he is going to be wrong, sometimes, and needs to learn how to take the constructive criticism. It’s going to hurt a lot and he should allow himself to feel those feelings because if he doesn’t, he will never understand your feelings. Every one is different I just have the courage to admit I fuck up, I know I did, the road ahead is long, I’m willing to put in the work because I want to be in a happy living secure relationship. Also give him words of encouragement, my wife doesn’t say them to me much anymore and I know the answer to that. I eager to hear her words, her words give me so much strength. One thing he should do is not expect anything like a pat on the back or a at a boy. He should do things that would make him happy. He should listen to you more and he should remember small details about you. That’s where I would start. Everyone is different though. Hopefully he just accepts himself for who he is and put on his big boy pants on and face the music. It’s going to be difficult but he can do it, and if he truly loves you and cares about you. He would do it, even if it scares him to the core. I would suggest therapy too, I’m currently in it at the moment. I crave for That deep human connection. Never felt that. That’s my life goal to feel more and say more about how I truly feel about myself or something my partner said that upset me. Communication is key, because guessing people’s feelings is pure chaos and torture, and that’s what exactly I was doing to my beautiful wife. Almost pushed her away completely, never again. I’m willing to change, but someone people aren’t and you have to prepare yourself for that day to come too. I know I have. Sometimes things just don’t work out in our favor and that’s okay too. Just want her to be happy, even it isn’t with me, because I truly care and love her that much. Sorry for the long rant.
Omg, this is exactly what is happening in my relationship!! I am so grateful for this advice because I've been sensing that there was something like this wrong but I had zero language to explain or understand it! My husband is anxious, I'm avoidant. It's so challenging, but I do think we can heal it! I've been doing shadow work for three years now. Thank you Heidi!
I'm so glad you articulated how people with an anxious style are triggered to experience their shadow when they see their avoidant partner express vulnerability. I've been feeling lost and frustrated at how healing my avoidant style has led to a few connections with people with an anxious style ghosting or leaving the friendship. It also helps hearing how that feeling for them must be similar to my shadow side when I try to be vulnerable. Really amazing video 💖
OH MY LANTA!! This is me and my boyfriend. The Lord has been healing SO much in me already but it is so amazing to know why I get irritated more towards my avoidant man. I was the anxious side. We both are growing, and I truly believe we’ll be whole together.
Oh man, I really really appreciate you explaining this in such simple terms. Thank you for making such an educational and important video for those who need to learn this.
Writing in the comments is almost an immediate source of relief. This woman is really good. No need to explain lol thank you. The second guessing that leaves me immediately in a freeze, change, refreeze mentality I think is a major problem
Hi Heidi I absolutely love what you’re doing. I have been working hard at finding what’s in my shadow and sometimes it feels like my BFF is tired of hearing me analyze myself. Your videos help reassure me that I’m doing the right thing for me. Thank you for providing a community for those of us who are into it. Please keep talking about attachment styles and how they impact relationships and how to heal. Shadow work is particularly of interest as is how to function in relationships while dealing with various attachment wounds. I thought I was AP however I function more FA until I bond with a DA.
I love your videos. They are profoundly insightful, with a great balance of clarifying important concepts but going in to the subtleties, nuances and complexities, which get missed when explanatory concepts/diagnoses are treated as categorically unidimensional.
Heidi, your videos are well done. You speak in a clear way, but also with actual love for people. I've watched so many videos on my healing journey, but often felt coldness and pride exuding from them. You have such a genuine, humble, kind spirit that makes these topics really stick. I've been applying much of this in my relationships with my family, my kids, my man, and more. Thank you, and I love you for who you choose to be. Best always.
I am overcoming my ocd complex ptsd. We have been apart not in contact, i am grateful that i now see there is a divine source and im not in control of my life as i think i am. I can only control my actions, thoughts and feelings. People like you that help and spread awareness is always a blessing to me to overcome my shadow. I am doing my shadow work i consider her to do the same im not around to see oh well i no longer fear the unknown i am grateful for all reading this i am grateful for this comment section i am grateful for you heddie i am grateful for all
Never saw a Therapeut have so much insight like you do, its a different level of awareness and understanding a different position to be in helping those who struggle with anxious attachement, you gave me a beam full of light after living in darkness for one month, you have no clue it literally changed my mental thank you very much❤
3:35 what goes on in the avoidant 4:18 what goes on in the anxious 5:12 a secure relationship = self reliance and vulnerability and proximity seeking are held in balance. 12:24 you (avoidant) had to learn vulnerability and expressing feelings
Thank you so much Heidi. I listen to your podcast regularly and already learned so much. You help us getting better parents, better partners, kids and friends. You are helping me to grow, learn more about myself and love me more each and every day ❤
I just stumbled accross Heidi today and found this video spot on and so articulate. I particularly loved the descriptions of what can happen when healing and true changes begin to occur and what can happen in oneself and the other if they both aren't doing the shadow work and how what initially brought us together. May not be there when individuals grow and change. I've never heard it described in such amazing detail. This is exactly what's causing my breakup. I'm the anxious attached and she's the avoidant. You're not wrong at all!
Your insights hit the nail on the head. Your content is literally saving people and their relationships. My relationship ended before I discovered you but you helped me survive the break up and you are a major catalyst to my growth. I can’t thank you enough! ❤ Keep going, I can’t wait for your channel to reach more and more people!
Me and my partner are 8 and a half years together. We went through so many up and down moments. He is quite an avoidant attachment while I am a more anxious person. At the moment we are going through couple therapy but I can't say I feel the improvement between us. We have lived together for five years. My partner is very ok with himself alone and doesn't have any future plans for us. When I mentioned a bigger commitment such as marriage or children, he became "panic" and willing to run away for himself. He doesn't care what would happen to me or how I would feel. Your videos about the avoidance attachments are very informative and clear. I just don't know how to behave anymore. I know that whatever happens today is the result of the past. He seems to show motivation to work with the therapy but I just can't pause my life to wait for him. I feel so stuck and exhausted.
Love your balanced view on seeing both sides. It feels like it brings both sides of myself into attention at once! I've had a couple MAJOR shifts and experiences practicing this work over the past month. I think I will video journal about them when they happen and name them shadow work so I can remember them, as it often happens that great things happen and then I forget why or what the components were that I held in place to help them happen. I am thankful that I can rewatch your videos as a reminder.
Awesome. My wife and I have read several books but they have been vague with the actual healing of this dynamic. This was direct and easy to follow. Thank you.
I love this video!! (spoilers for Sex Education) I notice that the dynamic between Mr. Groff and his wife Maureen in Sex Education displays this really well! Mr. Groff has to get in touch with his vulnerable and emotional side and Maureen has to gain some independence from him in the time they’re apart. When they come back together, they clearly both have found a balance in their avoidant and anxious attachments with each other. Thank you for this amazing video Heidi!
WOW! This video triggered so many aha moments and provided so much insight, I was teary in delight! Thank you so much for sharing your deep knowledge in such an actionable way.
I wish I knew about attachment theory, attachment healing, and shadow work during the latter part of my 11 year marriage. Putting in this work might have saved it and healed our marriage. Unfortunately, bridges have been burned, and she’s moving on with someone else. You live and learn, I guess. I just wish we learned this sooner. 😔
Don't beat yourself up. Chances are both of you were too burnt out to be in a place to fully sort it out. It takes a lot of time to heal as individuals and in marriages you're constantly being asked of. Not easy to catch a break. Life has a funny way of working things out, maybe you found this video right when you were ready to heal. There's no shame in that. It's clear that you did your best and cared a lot, otherwise it wouldn't still be so close to your heart. I hope you're being kind to yourself. You deserve love and to be happy too.
@@ZabaTheFrog You’re absolutely right, since my attachment wounds affected how I showed up in every other type of relationship in my life. I was always looking for whoever I had an emotional and relational connection with to take care of me in the end and make me feel as though I’m okay. The healing version of my self can be given to anyone now. I don’t have to give off the same energy of anxious attachment or codependency that I previously habitually did. Being more presently attuned and in the moment with anyone has been a mutually enriching experience. Giving that version of myself to anyone in any kind of relationship has been a new and amazing experience.
@@ZabaTheFrog Absolutely! You’re right. And I have been able to show up differently after much attachment wound healing to different kinds of relationships and social and relational situations. It’s great because I’m not forcing anything, and I’m starting to be the real me. I’m still healing certain wounded parts of me that I’ve pushed in my shadow. And what shows up after is a more honest version of myself that I don’t need to be ashamed of anymore.
Thanks Heidi, My heart full of gratitude to you. You opened my eyes with the understanding that “each and every human being needs comfort and support.” That you taught an adult about this basic human need speaks volumes. Time and time again, your many attachment videos, especially the ones on “Avoidant Attachment,” helped me understand after much searching. Likewise, your reference to John Bradshaw’s “Healing The Shame That Binds You” was a godsend. This book unveiled for me the various types of abandonment which leave one in a cloud of shame, protecting oneself from any attachment which could evoke this powerful feeling that so greatly diminishes one’s self-worth. Of course, the rub on the numerous childhood, parental, abandonment circumstances is that early childhood memories naturally disappear leaving behind shame which remains, untethered to its source and therefore a mystery with a hidden solution. “A dark cave with a hidden way out.” Likewise, your insightful counsel to intervene on your own behalf when affected by shame, not yours in the making, began a process of healing. Thank you so much! Paris My door is open
Heidi, your videos are life changing for people struggling with these issues. I found your channel a few weeks ago and I have already made big improvements thanks to the tools that you give us. Have you ever or could you ever talk about “imaginary audience”? I experience it a lot with the object of my limerence, always thinking they’re just around the corner or they’re in the car next to me on the road. If anyone can help I think it’s you! Thank you for everything you help us with!!!❤❤
Jesus C.. I am floored by the amount of good information in this video - the comment about using Attachment Theory to suppress the shadow just floored me...thanks so much, will rewatch this as I get deeper into the shadow work...just pray that I can start the healing process and inspire my partner too. But at the same time I am proud I had just started changing my approach by changing myself without even being aware of deep Shadow work. Thanks again!
Brilliant video, as always! ❤ I'm in a long-term avoidant/avoidant relationship and I started attachment healing work for myself only, not to fix the relationship, but to learn what I didn't learn in my early development, and to unlern what was modeled wrong. It changed me. I can't imagine being in a relationship with an anxious individual and trying to work together with them to heal, but the thought of being more vulnerable with my avoidant and allowing him to do the same with me is beautiful. Any chance you'll do a video on how two avoidant should heal together?
That's the way I feel about my relationship with my father. People say avoidant-avoidant relationship doesn't work, but I don't agree. We support each other and are consistently there for each other without smothering. I'm kind of curious about the dynamics of your relationship (if you feel comfortable about sharing it). I don't want to "fix" him or the relationship. I just want to become a whole person and solve my problems. I'm kind of glad to know that someone has similar experience as me!
both members of an old couple I knew were avoidant, and the relationship "worked fine". i never saw them kissing each other, or hugging, or making funny jokes, and when he died several years ago I didn't see a single tear drop on her face, nor have i heard her saying she misses him whatsoever but... there was no conflict between them. i would never judge them, it is ok to have that kind of relationship if that is what you want. but i don't understand the purpose of that kind of relationships.
@@Bornie1977 What you are describing is an extreme form of avoidance or just two people who didn't care about love but wanted a relationship for practical reasons. A relationship between avoidants doesn't have to look like that, but be sure that others will never see or understand how special that connection is to them. Not everyone cares to parade their great big love all over the place. Keeping it private works just as well for those who don't desire external approval or validation, and don't feel like they have to prove their love to others to feel like it's real.
I want to thank you for your work here. This is the first comment section I've seen on this topic that is not full of bitterness and warnings against this kind of situation, which gives me a lot of hope for finally being able to turn it into growing on each other again
I've been thinking about exactly this! Entering my inner-child work led me into contacting back my ex-partner without knowing it as my attempt to approach her doing the same thing, but then i realized she's unaware of this kind of knowledge and still (now that i'm aware) operating in her attachment-style that sting my inner wound (again) when i had my first conversation with her after going no contact when our relationship went typhoonical-hell. So better safe yourself, first, stick to your healing work. That's the most important thing for us.
Have you thought about creating more playlists on you channel? It might help newcomers like me to find the subjects they want to focus on. An example… intimacy, attachment styles, handling conflicts, shadow work. Thanks for the good work you are doing.
I was an anxious-avoidant, into an ego unravel, yearning for acceptance; approached, and successful, we married years later. Decades pass, the children into adults, she withdrawals, now facing the next step. It’s time for me to be for her, what she was for me. Heidi, please look into Debrowski’s Theory of Positive Disintegration. It’s a wonderful tool for understanding.
My husband & I have tried conventional approaches through 3 different marriages counselors over the course of our 28 year marriage. We were introduced to your work (several weeks after announcing to our family we were mutually separating and planning divorce.) We both have gained so much insight and are now working to repair our marriage in a way that we never have before. Something that seemed so broken has been given new hope and new life thanks to your attachment theory work and your videos. We are indebted to you, Heidi ❤️
(Btw, we strongly identify with being an anxious- avoidant relationship- just can’t thank you enough for making information on attachment styles understandable and for providing practical strategies for doing the healing work)
Love it! I wish the best for you too 🧡 🤜🤛
Yes, congrats to you for hanging in there and trying to find solutions and answers. Hopefully you not only stay together but through a greater understanding of the dynamics taking place between the two of you, your marriage actually becomes better than ever! All the best!
That's incredible. Both of you must be great mature adults. Good luck on your journey.
That's awesome! Have you seen alongside Heidi the resources on PDS w Thais Gibson - really useful courses and live interactive events.
This is the most thoroughly well-balanced, non-blaming, well-structured, masterfully delivered, least triggering, profoundly insightful, exceptionally clear, remarkably nuanced, deeply empathetic, highly accessible, wonderfully inclusive, incredibly empowering, and astonishingly transformative guide to navigating the complexities of anxious-avoidant relationship dynamics I have ever encountered. I now have a true path forward and have never been so hopeful
100% agree! 🙌
As an update, no matter how good this video is it doesn't make any difference if your partner just flat out refuses to even entertain the idea of watching the video let alone practicing what she suggests.
Yes, yes, yes!!! All of this! This is the video I chose to show my boyfriend to get us started on this journey together! (I am the avoidant and he is the anxious) and I have been able to map out where to start and where to go moving forward with this video alone! It is so hard to find fair stuff to work with because everyone else seems to believe avoidants are evil and the anxious is an angel wich is not helpful at all lol Thank you so much Heidi ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤
@JaradDeLorenzo This is why I gave my partner an ultimatum. He believes this kind of stuff is bullshit and I told him either we put real work in together or I'm out cause I can't live like this anymore and I w
@@JaradDeLorenzo Oof, very true. That's why I gave my boyfriend an ultimatum. Either we do this work together and take it seriously or I'm out because I can't live like this anymore, its exhausting. It eventually reaches a breaking point where you just can't take it anymore and need to make a decision for yourself. Do I just accept this is the way it is and stay?? Is it worth it to do that?? I originally decided it was worth it and to just accept this is the way we are and that was because he wasn't willing to try any of this when I first presented it a year ago, but no matter how much I love him I just couldn't take it anymore and had to lay the choice out because what's the point if you are just miserable and stressed all the time?? Life is too short.
PERFECT TIMING.
I’m anxious and he’s avoidant. We both love each other, but we’re constantly accidentally hurting each other
Yall mines well breakup trust from experience it's never works out with an avoidant. Their the least compatible with a anxious person
How did you "accidentally" hurt each other?
@@sloanmagnum5009 our natural instincts kicking in and hurting the other person without realising. He loves his personal space and can ignore me for days without realising which drives me crazy.
But I’m very affectionate I like giving lots of kisses and cuddles so I think I’m being nice and giving him what he wants…but it makes him want to pull away.
It sounds like a recipe for disaster. We’ve had several talks about this. We inevitably decide the best thing first us is to just be friends….but we met up recently for a concert and….we’re definitely not JUST friends!!
This keeps happening over and over. We pull away to protect ourselves, miss each other like crazy then come back and it’s amazing, but I’m always left wanting more than he can give.
@@sloanmagnum5009 both want intimacy, one seeks reassurance that the partner won't be abandoned and the other pulls away from being triggered by being overwhelmed with emotions cos it's too much so they shut down and distance n push you away
I saw this literally 5 days too late.😢 I understand the end of my spiraling 25 yr love storey now. We both loved each other soo much but couldn't find the problem. Always blaming each other.
I've been blocked from all contact so can't share this with the other to hopefully bring closure for them also could've given a quicker recovery. Because I truly care for and hope they find happiness,peace and not feel at all to blame from a problem neither of us where at fault.Sad😢
Thank you for your advice
Truly grateful for this
Thank you
Thank you
There’s a lot of BS therapy on UA-cam, but this is the good shit. Brought me to tears. Thank you.
I just wish EVERYONE in this comment section luck with these types of relationships. I hope everyone finds their happiness whether it’s with your partners, or whether you decide to walk away. It sucks loving a person so deeply, and knowing that they cannot express these feelings back to you, whether it are secure or anxious. Every one has something to work on, and I hope that everyone will succeed in their journeys. ❤
Never saw any video like this in all the years going through videos about this dynamics topic. It's so much to the point and real that I just have to thank for it and hope for more to come and be accessible to everyone to be able to progress in their life.
Damn. Ballin.
Spare some change?
I agree. I think Heidi’s videos require a deep context that can only be acquired by watching other sources, YT channels, reading some authors, etc, but when you are there you notice that her content takes that knowledge and goes way deeper into actual causes and methods of internal self revelation. Outstanding.
@@cameronvadnais4388 😅
Thank you for gifting her, I would love to as well
4:15 "those who err more anxious on the attachment spectrum learned and internalized from a young age, if I don't make my needs very loudly and consistently known, I will be abandoned." another gem, true to my life and well put.
I have to say that as an anxious attached, I do not recognise this at all in my early years as toddler or whatever. Only from my teens the anxiety disorder started ruining relationships in this way of excessively needing assurance.
✌🏽
I don't see it in my early years, but my shadow is SO LOUD about how people ask for help. I wonder if it's before my conscious memory?
The crazy part was when I went off on my own and accomplished amazing things, like performing or becoming a very social kid or exploring my own style of writing or humor, my parents didn’t often notice it or credit it, because I didn’t bring these goals to them and do them the way they would have done them. My dad used to really sort of do a lot of my projects in school, until one day I was up late (he’d stay up late with me), and he didn’t get the weird writing I was trying. He just threw his hands up and stopped helping me after that. He never really acknowledged my success in school after that. For my mom, it was the same thing, if I didn’t do what she thought it meant I didn’t care if she died. I didn’t realize until I dated an avoidant, how much I needed the dialogue to be reassuring and for us to verbalize our emotions, so that I wasn’t afraid to go out on my own and be abandoned for doing so. Really all I wanted was to feel safe acting as free as the avoidant without losing everyone in the process. I guess the thing that’s badass about avoidants, is they often do lose everyone, and they go their own way anyway. I’ve learned to absolutely love my shadow because of this new lens. Thanks Carl Jung, we’ll said Heidi
I just told someone the other day that I came to the realization that I was always holding onto hope subconsciously that prince charming was coming for me and that he would make everything ok. But I realized he isn't a real person, it's me. I am the person I have been waiting for to step up and do the hard things and have confidence, etc. then I found your videos and I am learning so much!! I am the anxious person and my husband is avoidant. I am excited to work on my own emotional regulation and self reliance and see what happens between us! Pretty nervous too ...
Good luck 👍
I hope your husband is doing the same for himself as well.
This is a great point! You nailed it. I have to be my own Prince(ss) Charming
I pray that your marriage becomes better than ever before!
Me too. That's great.
What I basically get from this is "do not wait on others to change, just change yourself".
But beware changing yourself in isolation and triggering more emotional termiol between you and your partner if they aren't ready for your change
YES! Why would you pick someone and change them? And why would you not work on yourself, so you get better at life? Do you see how insane your comment is? Yes, work on yourself. Don't manipulate others to change. If they change with your help, it's their journey with your help. Ouf.
Correct. It's especially beneficial to arrive at that understanding while single. Become your own self-sufficient person who realizes they want connection to (through meaningful friendships and measured dating occurences) and life is pretty good.
It's just so hard to get there if your body is sending alarm signals to you constantly. That's why I found physically uncomfortable things to be helpful. It's a great proxy for mental discomfort. If you can get yourself to maintain good technique in a lift, or relax into a deeper stretch, it's basically the exact same mental skill that's being honed.
More like change yourself together
@@williambrookings722I believe changing yourself in isolation can be actually good. There is no unnecessary outside influence of finding your authentic self. You basically learn about your self, your wants and needs. Not relying on emotional support from someone else or a support circle that influences your wants, needs and self.
Good example: Go solo traveling. You don’t have someone with you to make decisions for you, wants or needs. You become a problem solver by learning about your wants and needs which makes it a personal trip.
5 Questions: (Timestamp 21:10)
1 Am I ready for the relationship’s power dynamic to drastically change?
2 How am I going to deal with the insecurity that will arise when I finally start looking at my partner as my true equal?
3 How can I proactively work to stop triggering my own shadow traits in my partner?
4 Am I willing to take a sober look at this relationship and be realistic about the ways that we are and are not compatible?
5 Am I willing to focus at least 5x harder on my own change and growth than on my partner's?
Timestamp 21:10
@@leamubiu Great idea 👊
Great questions! U rock!
Thanks
Thank you...... I will do all of them.
1:55 "it might get you a relationship where you're not triggering each other as actively. that's not the same thing as healing the relational dynamic." another gem, true to my life and well put. I've been desperately trying to avoid triggering my partner in hopes that this would help our relationship to heal.
This is so true. As an anxiously attached partner I remember having experienced thoughts like "I'm gonna be so happy and pleased when they allow themselves to need me" and then proceed to feeling disgust when they actually do, and it has been one of the greatest misteries and sources of confusion and shame for me in those relationships
damn bruh i get this shit too
Yeah, that disgust feeling I felt when my dominant ex acted vulnerable one night has always been a mystery, and I also felt shame for feeling disgust. This video is so difficult for me to watch because it is so spot on. I had anxious attachment from early childhood neglect (last of 6 kids, family dysfunctional). I have been alone for 9 years processing all this information that Heidi just sums up so brilliantly and then brings it to another level. I just discovered this channel 2 weeks ago and it is the best source of healing from attachment issues I have ever encountered.
Do you mind me asking for an example of the disgust you felt? I guess I find myself attracted more stereotypical “feminine” traits in a man such as compassion, sensitivity, and less manly traits. I think I need an example because I’m a bit lost lol. Unless maybe it will awaken some part of me that feels the need to be protected in a “manly” man’s arms where I am the wounded one. Who knows!
Chiming in here, I’m curious how you figure that compassion/ empathy is not protective? I could see how it seems less traditionally masculine because men are often conditioned to be avoidant and emotionally ignorant
I know I'm a different person but I've also had a dominant ex who acted vulnerable in a way that led me to feel disgust. They were feeling triggered because I wanted to leave and get space from them instead of having sex. They voiced their discomfort by crying and their open palms. Grasping for me motioning me to hug them or something and I felt just utter disgust the feeling almost turned to anger but I just told them I had to go. I felt very blank-faced not like my normal self at they reacted To rejection by crying or wretching like as if they were sick from me leaving, they had such big spouts of anxiety It led to them feeling sick/sad and me feeling disgusted.@@MT-zm1yb
1:35 👌👌👌
3:00 The Shadow
5:15 Secure Relationships
9:00 Blame Game 😮
10:30 Change 🤔
11:35 Over Function Avoidant
13:30 Over Function Anxious
15:55 💯
17:25 Healed Attachments
18:35 Frame & Fantasies
20:35 Dynamics🔥
21:10 Five Questions 😮
24:00 Traits & Triggers
26:15 Embodiment
27:10 Secure Couples
28:55 Mutual Growth
29:50 Deep Focus!
Probably the hardest hitting video yet. Thank you for your work. I owe you so much.
Wow, absolutely MIND-BLOWING video on what's really behind the anxious avoidant trap. This also explains sooooo much why I, as an avoidant-leaning fearful avoidant, have always been so terrified of showing any vulnerability to anxious types, despite them claiming they want that. They may think they want that, but until they are more healed, they *don't* actually want that, and will in fact often respond to it in hurtful and/or belittling ways. On the flip side, what you said about the comfortable position of the avoidant just hanging back while everyone comes to them and not actually wanting to lose that role even as they complain about it because then they would have to risk vulnerability and potential rejection is so, so true, and so relatable. I also absolutely loved your metaphor of the drunken couple who finally wake up sober and then have to figure out whether they even like and want to be with the person across the pillow from them or not. Sharing, and bravo.
Carl Jung’s writing on the Shadow was the bridge that helped me understand the unknown parts of me that were missing as avoidant person. It was Running on Empty by Jonice Webb that was the key that unlocked the door to what it means to feel and how the body is used in that process. This video was the last link I needed to help me, an avoidant man, and my anxious wife to heal together. Thank you.
Me too, I think Jung should be mentioned in every video like this. He absolutely changed my life after dating an avoidant while I was very anxious. I find that he is not well known for his tour de force The Red Book, which to me should be considered among the great works. Possibly the greatest. Like if we had a book documenting our first conversations with aliens or something, that included a way for us to contact them ourselves. Only the aliens are archetypes inside of us, meaning that everything outside of us, is ours. I mean, what kind of self help book gives you the medicine like that??
I’ve not commented on many videos of any type. But this video was a “lightbulb” moment for me. You just explained how a lot of guys lean towards avoidant begin to become vulnerable, their female partner whose more anxious now loses attraction because they then see them as “needy”. Wow! 😮 Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! A lot of this makes so much sense, and how I need to work on myself.
Edit: I’ve saved this to watch again and it’s just such a good video.
Wow. My avoidant partner left me 3 weeks ago. Sadly, we did not make it; our attachment issues completely crashed this 4 year relationship in a slow and painful way. He already has a crush on another woman and says he does not love me anymore and is not attracted to me because of my emotional neediness. From his perspective, I was the issue in the relationship, and from my perspective, it was his emotional unavailability. Well, I will now focus all my energy to heal during this time alone. I wonder if he'll do the same. Anyway, this really is one of the best if not the best video on the topic, so thank you for making it.
Emotionally unavailable is the kiss of death in relationship
Sounds like you had an avoidant that discarded you and quickly moved on in order NOT not to do the inner work he needs to be a healthy partner. Onto ruining another nice unsuspecting person..😂😂😂
Be happy he is out of your life and the pain of living with this emotionally unavailable is not continuing. He won't change he is using the emotions to hook this other woman but when he has her he will revert to type . Now you know this type of man exists never stay when they become emotionally unavailable value who you are you wouldn't be anxious if he wasn't so unavailable. There are norms what to expect in a relationship if they aren't there leave❤. All the best 🎉
Same for me but flip flopped
It's like I wrote this myself!But understanding what actually happened (now after the second break-up because of my being "emotionally needy"), has helped me in part of my healing. It's like I would never have been able to even grasp it before of the emotional pain of the break-up.I have an abandonment wound.As painful as it has been, I see it now as some kind of forced emotional education.There's no way I would have susbmitted to it voluntarily.😅It also helps me stay away from my former partner because it's been only too obvious that he will use any technique ie distraction/numbing to avoid inner work - addiction to social media, Netflix binges, sweets bingeing, probably trying dating soon.
Thank you, this was really helpful for me. I am the avoidant in my marriage and everything was okay until my mother passed away. I think that brought a lot of my vulnerability to the surface and I tried so hard to avoid dealing with it and emotionally shut myself away from everyone - including my children. After a few months, I realised that I can’t keep living this way and have been stumbling awkwardly ever since. It’s been 4.5 years and I only feel like now I can work on myself and my triggers, but I also lost my father last year and I think that caused a different level of grief I wasn’t anticipating. Maybe I had been working on myself and now I was faced with vulnerability but didn’t want to run from it, so I had the emotions and didn’t know how to respond to them. Like you said “these are skills you are developing” so here I am developing new skills and the awkward stumbling until they are mastered.
I swear, your videos keep getting better and better. You go in-depth into relationship dynamics and healing from trauma in such an eloquent, detailed but easily digestible way for those that may not have access to the same educational resources, that not many content creators in this space can pull off. Thank you so much for everything you do! Keep it up!
Completely agree! This young woman is a treasure!
Exactly! I told my mom to not miss a single video of her about anxiety, not judge by her apparent age... it just seems some people age wisely sooner and are really good at putting the inner details into words!
HOLY FRIJOLES!!! REVELATION!!! This is me and my husband. All these years I’ve been wondering why I’m the one who provides all the emotion in the relationship. Phew, I can take a break and need to work on my shadow. So grateful to know this. I look forward to my honey’s eventual awkward emotional proximity seeking behaviors. I’ll be prepared to respond with maturity.
After my fearful avoidant partner and I (anxious) had our first fight she went into full avoidant, told me to live my life more and leave her alone. I said "you're right" and did exactly that, and her shocked reaction was priceless. And as you said, it forced her to do the work, realise her own issues and start therapy.
.....and??
Excellent. My wife and I discovered we’re in an anxious-avoidant relationship and we’re both committed to heal. We’ve accepted this will be hard for both of us and we will change. We both fear the people we will become. However, we know it’s for the best and this video is a map for us to understand what’s on the road ahead. Thank you.
This is putting to words something I've observed happening in myself while trying to heal my anxious-leaning attachment (I'm disorganized so it's a slightly different flavour, but definitely anxious-leaning). I do sometimes overcorrect into feeling the disgust you mentioned - largely disgust that's sprouted from resentment. I think it's not just "I'm so not okay, how can you rely on me?", but also when seeing my avoidant partner begin to acknowledge and change themselves:
"I have spent months, maybe even years, trying to coax you out of your shell so we can inter-regulate - and _now_ that I'm finally learning how to be independent and self-reliant, is when you come to me with vulnerability? Dude!!!" 😂
I love that you pointed out to introspect 5x harder on oneself than on one's partner. Sitting the resentment for the time spent knocking on their door, making peace with the times those knocks weren't answered, forgiving myself and them for how we coped - this seems to be the answer. It'll take some time but per usual, appreciate the ways your video challenges the core of how we behave so we can change for the better!
This comment strikes me as such a raw and honest look into what healing these dynamics actually looks like. I appreciate you for sharing it and am cheering on your progress 🙏💛
I relate hard to your comment. I hope you don’t mind me asking, but do you have any tips on “making peace with the times those knocks weren’t answered”? 5 years of unanswered knocks have left their mark and while I’ve grown a lot during that time and don’t get triggered nearly as often as I used to, I still find myself stuck in (emotional) flashbacks in my less resourced moments. It’s frustrating, I feel I can be proud of my growth and achievements 90% of the time and respond from a present and balanced place. But then my nervous system recognizes something and a flashback hits and the accumulated pain of all those knocks hits me like a truck and I’m right back to reacting from that place of past pain. I know I need to process the pain I suppressed but the things I’ve been trying don’t seem effective. If you have any suggestions to share I’d be forever grateful!
Wishing you peace, strength, and healing on your journey!
I too have the same situation
You just explained my situation 😢
Imagine after all 5 years he couldn't commit but now that I have done the work on myself and my AA I feel more secured and confident that I can live without him ..boom he is like babes I promise you this time everything is OK I can commit to our relationship,I will stop seeing other girls ....I am literally not in mood to play along anymore...not interested in his bullshit of a commitment when I needed it badly u couldn't commit then why now boo??something fishy going on with him🤔
@@baeyanka5264truth. 20
Years of marriage wheee he neglected me emotionally and sexually. I am exhausted. Severely depressed and totally anxious.
This is one of the best, most helpful videos on the topic of a relationship between these two opposite types. I can 101% relate, and appreciate the advice.
One of the best videos by Heidi. As an anxious I can see that unless I accept that I must be careful about being too rational about a relationship without giving the partner time to adjust.
I feel like I have gone down a rabbit hole. I found you a few months ago and realized immediately that I am avoidant leaning anxious/fearful. I am a grown adult and recently had a altercation with my parents and daughter. I was watching a video yesterday which led me to Rebecca C. Mandeville you tube channel. I have not stopped crying since. After watching many episodes on Family Scapegoat Abuse, I am finally able to see what happened. It is so validating to have a name for it and no longer feel crazy. They used Darvo on me the other day and I literally lost it. Then my dad said to my mom, "You can't talk to her right now, she has gone into a manic episode" (I am not bi-polar). I am still here to work on the relationship with my husband but the can of worms this opened is going to take a long time to sort out, and goes far beyond him and I. Thanks for what you are doing. Even though it is very painful to see the truth, at least I can move forward now. We have kids and we are very committed to them. So we will try our best to get through to the other side, as a couple and family. The dysfunctional family structure is still in play and grown. I am feeling a lot of grief today so I guess that is a good first step.
Thankyou so much. You are a Godsend whether you are a believer or not. You have literally unlocked a Christian couple’s gridlock which was causing a huge amount of distress 🙏🏼
THE REAL TEA!! it is so spiritual! 4 years in and it took shadow work that lead me to channels like this to close cycles in my life. I still have my days but what I used to feel safe in doing- my attachments now feel repelled and dare I say.. repulsive? This could just be a good period im in though so I'll check my comment back in a month 😅
Hello anxious sister! I need to know are you still on the up and up😂😂
@@janatomlin1296 I am 🥹 thank you for asking! And you?
Omg this is EXACTLY what and why my fiance and I have been bumping heads(more then just that) lately. I could not understand how we have both been in classes and therapy and working on ourselves and separate places and the separate counselors we both grown and not better on our own but trying to come together and be together it seems like there's more conflict and intensified stressed than there ever was in the first place
i am so glad i found you. i thought my significant other was just a wall that i couldn’t break down but with all of this information i can see exactly why he would have this wall up. im the anxious attachment obviously and in hindsight i can see i pushed him so far to open up that he just shut down. i’m talking to him this weekend and im hoping he has the grace to hear me out.
Wow. Great video. I went through this shadow healing work with my partner. It took us 10 years with the help of a well seasoned therapist who does this work specifically. We have a bit more to do and have recently decided to stay together after assessing our compatibility. We are both a little sad that it took us so long as we are both in our early 60’s-but better late than never. Thank you for your wonderful and precise explanations- you are so thoughtful and helpful.
This is a very common reason why couples that successfully heal from infidelity end up divorcing. Self-healing changes not only the dynamics of every interpersonal relationship but also oneself’s awareness of past experiences that define such relationships.
This is truly key. Healing makes you see the mutual hurt symptomatic of deep incompatibility
Yes, the reasons they were attracted in the first place are no longer there.😊
@@NatalyG73 Of course there is. I was mentioning couples that actually healed, but didn’t end up together. However, the majority does…
@@lucaslouzada44 oh okay. maybe I just misread your comment. But it does makes sense with what Heidi says in the video too…I think if however they did start of as friends with a more secure attachment and then the situation turning romantic triggers both of their insecure attachment styles or if they started off getting to know each other in a more steady way, I think this type of divorce after healing may be less likely to happen as the people would’ve been able to properly asses compatibility first and ACTUALLY like each other/be more compatible. What do you think? you seem knowledgeable about this topic…
@@NatalyG73 There’s a lot of nuance to it. Compatibility is far from a key-and-lock type of thing, and fearful avoidants v. g. normally feel incompatible in their own individuality - i. e. in their relationship with themselves. People try to see it in such a simple way not only because of its romantic appeal, but because it’s easier to pretend there’s no effort involved. Compatiblity between persons is a rather variable range, equilibrium in any relationship is often dynamic and maintaining it demands hard work sometimes - even when it comes to securely attached people entirely positive about what they want. When both people in the couple heal - meaning individually - the restoration of the relationship involves rebuilding it upon an individual awareness concerning an authenticity that requires boundaries. Most times the newly found and self-conscious identities, where both people commit to a stable set of values and parameters, can rebuild upon past experiences together - it may take a lot of work, but it’s nonetheless feasible. Sometimes, though, healing changes the meaning of a couple’s prior life so completely that it seems as if every new design of such relationship hits a personal boundary or lacks that natural reciprocity no matter how much you try to adjust it. In fact, it takes time and patience to figure those nuances out, but personal healing is the most important part of the process in any case.
So Just change yourself and become the best version of yourself whether you are in a relationship with them or not
Easier said than done
0:50 "where a lot of anxious/avoidant couples end up is in this place where they're both trying to change the relationship dynamic through convincing their partner to change themselves or their attachment issues." awesome! this rings so true, for me. thank you for putting this into words. I live this tension, for better or for worse. I'm denying this my own 'need' to convince my partner to change her avoidant attachment, but right past the denial, the need remains.
Shit that bit about some anxious/avoidants not being compatible at a deep level is a shocker. Heidi you are totally amazing.
Thank you so much for your videos. Not only do I watch many of them over and over, I also take notes. It's amazing how much I've learned not just about myself but others in these past 6 months I've been following you. Two minutes in, you explained exactly what was suggested to myself and ex when we went to counseling. It made things worse, it just felt like our differences were further magnified.
I regularly make my teenage daughters watch your videos because I do not want them to make the same mistakes I made for most of my adult life. Your explanations are so well organized and delivered in a simple, clear way that anyone can understand. I wish these sort of topics were taught in high school.
Once again, thank you so much.
Exactly. Although I’ve been reading a lot and watching several videos about attachment styles, her videos somehow are the best imo.
I echoe all this appreciation for Heidi’s work. Back to watching more!
OUR marriage counselor coun't figure it out in 4 years, what you just said in 30minutes. I have some new hope to work with.
I've come to realize that I have never been emotionally attached or available in any of my romantic relationships or friendships. I've always been there for them emotionally but never let them in. It's no wonder that break ups are a breeze.
I never realized that I was deliberately seeking partners I never loved due to intimacy issues. Intuitively I knew I didn't have a strong connection with them or love them.
Now I know the areas I need to focus on. Thank you for the video, information, and advice. It has been profound. ❤
Wow sounds like such a waste of a life. Never being attached to anyone on a deep level. Fear of pain prevents real love from even occurring.
Wow that really frightens me that there was never any love but just being used because of availability
@@desertdog8006 She is vulnerable in her words, and let us work on not shaming her because she wasn't aware of her issues until just now.
@@smokingcrab2290 it's a painful lonely existence and it comes from either having been manipulated so badly by a narc, or other trauma from severe mistreatment
@@mariknutson7307 thank you. You are right. I'm still at the back end of one of these and it hurts knowing you were never loved by them but utilised and one sided. It's no excuse but an explanation of my ignorant comment. Thx again
Certain aspects were incredibly insightful. Ex. Clunky display of emotions by avoidant can evoke disgust in the anxiously attached person, the power dynamic and also focus 5X more on self:) Thanks Heidi!
Heidi, you’re like the all-knowing sister I never fuckin’ had - we love you & you’re so awesome.
I lean anxious and have been on a healing journey for about two years now. Lately, I have been experiencing confusion around my desire to drag my feet in finalizing my divorce. When I am thinking clearly, I am proud of myself for the success I have had in separating from my husband and learning to take care of and defend myself. So, I didn't understand if there was maybe something I was missing that was causing this gut feeling that I should wait longer. Watching this video today finally drove home what I have been hanging on to - the comfort and safety I found in my avoidant partner that fulfilled my childhood savior complex. It also drove home that what I am/was seeking isn't real, but just a signal to continue the deep work of healing. It really was the missing piece for me. Thank you so much for making this video.
So did you get the divorce or work things through?
@@srugel44 I got the divorce. What I was seeking from my husband was the love I wasn't giving to myself - and that didn't make a good basis for a healthy relationship.
@@user-ll7bm3bu1k wow you are brave!!!
Thank you so much, Heidi. I don’t know a better way to share a question for you other than in the comments, and you always ask whether we have questions, so…here goes…I have some questions about self-regulation (apologies as I know this is tangential to this video):
I had no concept of emotional self-regulation or co-regulation before you introduced them. I am now at the point where I can sometimes recognize unhealthy self-regulation and shift gears, but often I'm stuck with, okay, what do I do instead?
Some questions that come up for me are:
- What are the signs that you need regulation? What are the signs that say "Hey, stop what you are doing right now and self-regulate or co-regulate" vs. the signs that say "um, no emergency at the moment, but it looks like you need some self-regulation or co-regulation on a more regular basis, like, this weekend"?
- How do you know when you are regulated? What are the signs that you are regulated and can say "good job, self!" Or for the anxious among us, so you can say, "It's okay to relax; you don't need to take action right now”?
- What are some of the classic useful tools for healthy self-regulation and what does that look like for an insecurely attached person who is trying them out as tools for the first time? Would you share with us a list of possible things, or at least a list of what things tell you that something is working as a good tool for self-regulation?
- Would you tell us more about some of the common debatably-effective-but-best-replaced tools for self-regulation? It's especially hard to reach for new tools when you're triggered. So being able to recognize the less healthy tools and look instead to a list of healthier options could be helpful in those moments. I would appreciate help building that awareness.
- When we're a little ways into this journey and have a few healthy self-regulation tools in our toolkit, what happens when one or more of them is suddenly unavailable to us? Encouragement for developing new self-regulation tools, a bullet list of tools to try, and a reminder of why it's worth persisting to find new tools for this would be helpful. I wish there was a video from you that I could replay to remind myself of other tools and how to switch gears and and continue self-regulating when the old tool isn't working or isn't available. A sort of menu of possible healthy options could be helpful.
- Why do we need to co-regulate, not just self-regulate? What does co-regulation give us that we can't give ourselves? Or does it? What does co-regulation offer us that is better than self-reliance? What are the psychology and biology behind it?
- What are the things to look for to identify a person who will be a healthy co-regulator (or co-regulation partner?) Especially when we know nobody is perfect, what are the big clues that someone is or isn't a good person to co-regulate with?
- And what about co-regulation with pets or nature or other non-humans? Not sure if that fits into your philosophy, but it might be helpful to hear if it is.
I want to be sure you know the world is waiting eagerly for this one! Maybe you've already thought of it or made it. I hope so. If I'm ready for (and, truth be told, hungry) for it, I'm betting I'm one of many.
Thank you again for all you do. I know it's a pretty loud chorus saying this already, but I'll add my voice: Your work has changed my life, and my relationship with myself and others. I will always pay it forward, and if you need anything, let us know how we can give back.
These are both very potent and super clearly articulated questions! 🙏 I’m pasting them all into a word doc to see what I can come up with in the way of future videos around these topics. Stay posted 😊
@@heidipriebe1 Amazing and very much appreciated. Even watching today’s video, I was thinking, if I’m going to attempt to integrate my shadow traits, and it’s going to potentially destabilize my closest relationships, I’d best be prepared for stronger self regulation in the wake of that change.
Deep gratitude always!
Great questions! In the meantime you may find Deb Dana's work helpful. I have her book Anchored and that's all about regulation in the context of polyvagal theory. Easy and accessible.
I would really be interested in hearing Heidi's response to these questions! For me so far, telling whether I'm disregulated or regulated is difficult, but I always know that I am definitely disregulated when I begin thinking specific thoughts that are a pattern I can recognize (because I've thought them so many times before). If I have any thoughts like, "It's not safe to speak, no one cares what I have to say, there is no room for my voice", I know for sure I am disregulated. At that point, I make the decision not to give into that story and I try to create a new one that has more threads of reality in it. That's as far as I've gotten with identifying my own disregulation and re-regulating but it does work whenever I can catch it and go through the exercise before I respond/act.
I am
Lost as how to
Self-regulate. I am a anxious and my husband is avoidant. 20 years. I am definitely anxious. Even though I have suffered in Thai sexless marriage I stayed because of all the other great parts of him. But no intimacy killed me. Here I am in a huge problem totally dependent on him and him
Being resentful of us entering into an open marriage. His wake up call
I met someone last year and all
Hell broke lose. He claims
Betrayal trauma and o do I. All the years he lied about getting help an appeasing me and never doing anything about it. Obviously I have not loved myself enough. Or respected. I clearly am searching to have someone save me or someone to lean on. Because I didn’t get that support from my mother. How do
I regulate now and love myself and take care of myself. Currently a severely depressed and super anxious. I
Feel like Ia m
On a bad dream or maybe I woke up and I am
So angry at my husband but all
I do is cry. Please how do regulate? How do I heal? Please help me?
Hell
I must say I highly appreciate this video. I’ve watched a few videos on “avoidant & anxious attachment styles”, but none really went into details about how to actually *SOLVE* the issue and the problems that come along with doing so. They just explained the styles and left it at that.
I love mirror/shadow work. I love evolving and becoming a better lover because I didn’t learn true love growing up. I did have love in my life, but the love I’ve been learning to incorporate into myself the past 5 years or so, has been challenging but life altering and I’m grateful for the opportunities to see life as it should be viewed. Thank you again for this, Heidi.
I watched one of your videos late at night and suddenly I was crying very intensely, the way I cried when I was a child. It took a few more days and tears but I’m good now. I’ve never been good. It’s like I woke up from the longest nightmare. Everything is so nice and exiting. It’s what I wished things could be like but I thought it was unrealistic, that life just sucked in that way. Even if you tried everything and worked hard on yourself, things are just not supposed to be so enjoyable. And now! Even the job I disliked a week ago is fun, because I don’t need to get something out of every interaction. I now I did a lot of work to get here, but your video about shadow work triggered this massive change and I’m very grateful for it. From the bottom of my heart thank you for the work you do❤ I hope a lot more people get to see it and get to live a better life!
This is, no exaggeration, life-changing. It's also a huge sack of bricks to the "ego" but makes so much sense.
This is one of those videos that came out exactly while I'm going through it, and I have been doing shadow work to heal it, which has helped immensely so I can't agree more with this approach! Plus, the bonus is even if you break up the shadow work will still help you move into the next phase of your life.
I haven’t even watched yet but know it’s going to be priceless
I dont' know. I dated a severe avoidant for four years. I was patient and understanding. She could never talk about anything even semi deep. I had never dated an avoidant before. All my last relationships have been from outgoing, confident women so I do not think I gravitate to avoidants. From my take of the relationship, she could not handle emotions communication. I tried to tip toe around her attachment methods and approach at a "safe" method. But it never worked. We tried couples counseling. I found the counselor talking to my partner 90% of the time and trying to help her heal her wounds. Not saying I am perfect but at least I can actively recognize, understand and express my feelings which is like number one in any relationship.
@cassandragrayes6149 I wish you the best of luck. Unfortunately, for most avoidants, their behavior is hard wired since childhood.
4 years
Wow
I thought avoidants would leave way before that
"At least I can do xx" is such an accusatory and unhelpful thing to say about somebody. Clearly your partner had some trauma and needed to work through it, but comparing yourself and implying that recognising feelings is the very least you can do is just a very insensitive way to frame it. I hope if anything, these videos teach you that a lot of people's attachment styles are rooted in trauma and are subconscious. I wanna give credit to this woman for attending therapy and trying. I hope her next partner has more respect for her internal struggle.
@@Lilacleaf49065 I appreciate you sharing your opinion. However, she never once admitted she has unresolved trauma. We attended couples therapy as per my request. She did not want to attend and shared hardly anything during our sessions. The therapist focused the majority of the time on her as she could tell it was her avoidant ways that were detrimental to our relationship. I did have respect for her struggle. I saw it from the very beginning of the relationship and tried everything under the sun to help her. The only way she could open up was after a few alcoholic drinks. But it was short lived.
As an avoidant person I can reply to you that at least we can be independent and deal with our own s$&it by ourselves without blaming someone else and get out from a toxic relationship with the dignity anxious lacks … my point is your comment is not useful at all.
I really needed to hear this. I'm an avoidant with another avoidant in a 7 year situationship rollercoaster. Off and on cycle. I'm currently doing my healing and scared to death to have this conversation with him bc he will see me differently. I love him and I think he loves me all the signs are there but no one tells each other and we use sex for closeness. No kissing or cuddling. I decided I'm going to risk it and tell him how I feel and hope he dont get triggered. If it dont work out I feel strong enough to be ok and deal with that emotional pain.
He will see you more deeply and you will find out nothing to scared. And he will love you even cuz he will understand❤❤❤
the only way out is the only way in
Finally, a solution! I've always heard, "You need to work on..." but they never give an answer. This video totally clicked with me and helped me understand a lot! I also love how you say the same thing but in four different ways so that I can understand your message when one or the others don't register. Thank you so much!
This has got to be the best video I have ever watched about healing the anxious-attachment dynamic and the individual attachments. Thank you so much for this. It has been a 3 year long journey, but this has been far more insightful than all the work i've done in therapy, and all the videos i've watched over the course of years.
Hey Heidi! Great video. My partner and i have separated and I found out about attachment theory shortly after we broke up and the only thing I could think at the time was how late I found out about this and how it could have potentially saved our relationship. Now that I've been trying to heal myself I realized that the break up, although was very painful, was the best thing I that could have happened. I was completely unaware of how I showed up in relationship (anxious). I truly felt that could do no wrong because in my heart I just wanted to love and be loved. I realized how depleted I was and how i was literally outsourcing all of my needs. I'm dealing with the shame and embarrassment of it all but also accepting that I'm a flawed human who is now taking responsibility and accountability for my attachment.
I'm going through the same thing. Realizing how we were in an anxious/avoidant relationship. If I knew all this before maybe things would have been different but I'm not sure he would have tried to look into himself like I am right now. This video is so important because I also feel that just giving space to an avoidant wouldn't work. It has to be 2 people working on it. I gave space and we just grew apart. 🤦🏻♀️
I've read the book 'Attached' and been given guidance that as an anxiously attached person I should find a securely attached partner. Your approach is something I've never come across as far as what needs to happen to heal an existing dynamic and the very real risks in healing. Thank you!
This has been extremely helpful to me for my relationships .... but I also keep giggling because, with your black top and the black stripe in the background, I kept seeing you sitting there with your arms outstretched wide for a hug,
Had to come back to your comment midway to tell you that i can't unsee that now 😂
This is pure gold. I could watch it over and over again, and get more and more from it. I’ve sent it onto some other people I know. From the bottom of my heart, thank you.
Hi Heidi ❤ What you say makes so much sense and it puts responsabilities fairly on every one. I love it. I love that it applies to my relationship to my narcissistic soon to be ex wife. I heard so many videos on how narcissists are absolute evil and the other party is just a naive innocent victim. The truth is she is severely anxiously attached and I am mildly avoidant. So when I started to change as I wanted to discover true intimacy, she became massively triggered. But I was ok with my role of savior and regulator until then. I have to admit that her not being as regulated was attrative to me at first as it highlighted my strengths. I have my share of toxicity in that relationship. Now that I think about it, choosing somebody more dysregulated than me made me feel good, superior and secure. I was hiding my own toxicity in that relationship because I would have excuses for my behaviour. Being with someone healthy would have triggered my shame and I would have run away as any typical avoidant would. I have so much to own in order to grow. Thank you for making me aware and giving me tools to deal with it. ❤
Are you confusing NPD with attachement styles? These are two very different things.
An unhealthy attachement style doesn't signify narcissism. As a matter of fact, narcs do not form real attachements to people, they don't even see people as human beings, and are constantly operating a facade.
When you see the glee that narcs experience after freely abusing/humiliating you, and how better they feel with your misery, then you'll know why they are called evil.
I suggest not calling your ex a narc if you don't know what narcissism looks like.
@@namelessbrat7197 I have experienced pretty much everything a relationship with someone with NPD can offer (sleep deprivation, constant blame, daily gaslighting, switching victim and abuser, heavy manipulation, threats, physical and emotional abuse, double standards, financial dependency even when I was the only one working and so on). So I believe I'm quite qualified to call my ex a narcissist. I don't try to justify the pain they cause. I'm just saying they are Stiller human.
To get supplies, a narcissist still needs to connect with people (even if it's in a twisted way) so I agree with Heidi that attachment styles also apply to them. They act sadisticly to feel power and no longer feel their own sense of shame and unworthyness.
I got discarded when I started to work on myself and started to yearn for a more secure relationship so I can see how those two relate.
If as a narcissist, you feel like you need to constantly manipulate and threaten someone for them to stay with you, you are the furthest away for being secure.
Lastly, researches have been made about how NPD is formed and the most relevant factor (apart from personal choices) is the behaviour of their parents : Overcaring about achievements, undercaring about emotional ŵorld. If that's not childhood trauma, I don't know what is.
So did you get divorced or did you work things through?
@@srugel44 Unfortunately, she refused to acknowledge her responsability in our lack of emotional intimacy so we had to part ways and get divorced. I was willing to work things through but she insisted that I was the only one to blame for the failure of our relationship and that she didn't have anything to correct.
@@namelessbrat7197 I thought I had responded but I don't see my answer. I experienced the mistreatment and the glee you are talking about. I went through heavy manipulation, sleep deprivation, financial dependency even when I was the only one working, constant blaming and so on and so forth. I'm by no means excusing narcissistic behavior. What I'm saying is they make evil acts because of wrong choices and not because they are inherently evil. I know my ex wife childhood story and I know for facts she has attachment issues. The differences between me and her is that since being a teen I'm trying to own up to my mistakes and give back the guilt that doesn't belong to me while she internalized the shame and guilt and use bashing others to feel better. So I'm not saying she is a good person, I'm saying she is human and 100% responsible of how she turned out.
Hello Heidi, its so fascinating comparing you to your older videos... you present so differently. You cone across guarded, cynical and rebellious in your earlier videos. You now feel peaceful, intelligent, wise, friendly, open and interested in life. The transition is living proof that you have transformed... which means that if i watch ur videos and do everything u say... maybe I could transform... and maybe in less than 4 years! 🎉🎉🎉
I’m in exact situation right now with my wife. She is anxious attachment and I’m avoidant attachment. I been listening to your videos all day yesterday and today. Your insight is magnificent. Currently my relationship is on the rocks and it’s been very difficult. I feel so emotionally stunted all the time. My emotions are so so deep inside me, if feels like a Abyss and I can’t find my emotions. That’s how stunted I’m. Your work is giving me new insight on how to integrate more of my shadow. I have a lot of work to do, thank you for your insight. It is greatly appreciated.
Is it because showing emotion will be used as a weapon later?
@@chasingblue8952 yes. I grew up in a Hispanic household. When I cried in front of my father he would say “why are you crying, I will give you a reason to cry.” So I would immediately shut down. Also my parents constantly compare me to my older brother who was not good, he had a rough up bringing. I was constantly being told that I’m going to end up like him. There was a lot of angry arguments between my parents. I’m sure there’s much more to it.
Can I ask you a question? I am anxious, my husband is avoidant. I assumed it was the anxious partners doing the research and the avoidants following along, dragging their heels. But I seem to see a lot of avoidants commenting. Are avoidants equally determined, but just not as open about it? Or are the abounds commenting the anomaly?
@@infolater91 I’m very determine to change my behavior and patterns. I been like this my whole life. Growing up in a Hispanic household made me this way. I remember there would be moments I show vulnerability to my father, he would get upset for something I did (Gets angry very quickly). He would say to me “you want to cry, I will give you a reason to cry.” Also the constant fighting, name calling, telling me I’m going to end up like my dead beat brother. Hearing those words constantly broke me inside. I literally just shoved my emotions so deep I can’t even find them myself. It’s been difficult opening up, I realize if I want to change I’m willing to put in the work. I got myself into therapy and got a book about my attachment style. Your husband has to do it for himself, like i’am. I want to change for “me”, not for my wife, for me. I know it will make me really happy. If I keep my distance with my wife, I know for a fact I would do it to our children, I will not let them go through the same emotional trauma i went through. I want to break the cycle. I’m so tired of letting people down, constantly over and over. I feel a great shame at times. What your husband needs to do is allow himself to feel these emotions. He needs to allow the pain to come through, he’s going to mess up and that’s our biggest trigger. Messing things up and we just shut down. He shouldn’t do that, he needs to be soft with you. When he is soft wit you, you become soft as well. When I broke my wife heart, I wasn’t just breaking her, I was breaking my heart as well. I’m acknowledging my shadow, the good and the bad, I feel the bad seeping through the cracks in my relationship. Your husband knows this too, because I would ask myself after the fact “why did I say/do this?” Your husband has to accept the fact he is going to be wrong, sometimes, and needs to learn how to take the constructive criticism. It’s going to hurt a lot and he should allow himself to feel those feelings because if he doesn’t, he will never understand your feelings. Every one is different I just have the courage to admit I fuck up, I know I did, the road ahead is long, I’m willing to put in the work because I want to be in a happy living secure relationship. Also give him words of encouragement, my wife doesn’t say them to me much anymore and I know the answer to that. I eager to hear her words, her words give me so much strength. One thing he should do is not expect anything like a pat on the back or a at a boy. He should do things that would make him happy. He should listen to you more and he should remember small details about you. That’s where I would start. Everyone is different though. Hopefully he just accepts himself for who he is and put on his big boy pants on and face the music. It’s going to be difficult but he can do it, and if he truly loves you and cares about you. He would do it, even if it scares him to the core. I would suggest therapy too, I’m currently in it at the moment. I crave for
That deep human connection. Never felt that. That’s my life goal to feel more and say more about how I truly feel about myself or something my partner said that upset me. Communication is key, because guessing people’s feelings is pure chaos and torture, and that’s what exactly I was doing to my beautiful wife. Almost pushed her away completely, never again. I’m willing to change, but someone people aren’t and you have to prepare yourself for that day to come too. I know I have. Sometimes things just don’t work out in our favor and that’s okay too. Just want her to be happy, even it isn’t with me, because I truly care and love her that much. Sorry for the long rant.
@@chasingblue8952 yes my previous relationships were like this, but not this one.
Omg, this is exactly what is happening in my relationship!! I am so grateful for this advice because I've been sensing that there was something like this wrong but I had zero language to explain or understand it! My husband is anxious, I'm avoidant. It's so challenging, but I do think we can heal it! I've been doing shadow work for three years now. Thank you Heidi!
I'm so glad you articulated how people with an anxious style are triggered to experience their shadow when they see their avoidant partner express vulnerability. I've been feeling lost and frustrated at how healing my avoidant style has led to a few connections with people with an anxious style ghosting or leaving the friendship. It also helps hearing how that feeling for them must be similar to my shadow side when I try to be vulnerable. Really amazing video 💖
OH MY LANTA!! This is me and my boyfriend. The Lord has been healing SO much in me already but it is so amazing to know why I get irritated more towards my avoidant man. I was the anxious side. We both are growing, and I truly believe we’ll be whole together.
How did you started healing?
Praise the Lord!!!
WOW WOW WOW. Expert level advise. You rock! Thanks!
Oh man, I really really appreciate you explaining this in such simple terms. Thank you for making such an educational and important video for those who need to learn this.
This woman is a genius. And she means business. She doesn’t mince words. Thank you for the though love Heidi.
This was OUTSTANDING, Heidi. You've outdone yourself if that's even possible. Truly great work.
I have been called out in the BEST way possible. Thank you
This is one of the best, no BS videos I’ve seen and has really made me look at myself.
Look forward to my next therapy session
Writing in the comments is almost an immediate source of relief. This woman is really good. No need to explain lol thank you.
The second guessing that leaves me immediately in a freeze, change, refreeze mentality I think is a major problem
You are changing lives Heidi. ❤
Hi Heidi I absolutely love what you’re doing. I have been working hard at finding what’s in my shadow and sometimes it feels like my BFF is tired of hearing me analyze myself. Your videos help reassure me that I’m doing the right thing for me. Thank you for providing a community for those of us who are into it. Please keep talking about attachment styles and how they impact relationships and how to heal. Shadow work is particularly of interest as is how to function in relationships while dealing with various attachment wounds. I thought I was AP however I function more FA until I bond with a DA.
I love your videos. They are profoundly insightful, with a great balance of clarifying important concepts but going in to the subtleties, nuances and complexities, which get missed when explanatory concepts/diagnoses are treated as categorically unidimensional.
Heidi, your videos are well done. You speak in a clear way, but also with actual love for people. I've watched so many videos on my healing journey, but often felt coldness and pride exuding from them. You have such a genuine, humble, kind spirit that makes these topics really stick. I've been applying much of this in my relationships with my family, my kids, my man, and more. Thank you, and I love you for who you choose to be. Best always.
I am overcoming my ocd complex ptsd. We have been apart not in contact, i am grateful that i now see there is a divine source and im not in control of my life as i think i am. I can only control my actions, thoughts and feelings. People like you that help and spread awareness is always a blessing to me to overcome my shadow. I am doing my shadow work i consider her to do the same im not around to see oh well i no longer fear the unknown i am grateful for all reading this i am grateful for this comment section i am grateful for you heddie i am grateful for all
Never saw a Therapeut have so much insight like you do, its a different level of awareness and understanding a different position to be in helping those who struggle with anxious attachement, you gave me a beam full of light after living in darkness for one month, you have no clue it literally changed my mental thank you very much❤
Ahh making the exact videos I need to hear. Excellent.
3:35 what goes on in the avoidant
4:18 what goes on in the anxious
5:12 a secure relationship = self reliance and vulnerability and proximity seeking are held in balance.
12:24 you (avoidant) had to learn vulnerability and expressing feelings
Thank you so much Heidi. I listen to your podcast regularly and already learned so much. You help us getting better parents, better partners, kids and friends. You are helping me to grow, learn more about myself and love me more each and every day ❤
I just stumbled accross Heidi today and found this video spot on and so articulate. I particularly loved the descriptions of what can happen when healing and true changes begin to occur and what can happen in oneself and the other if they both aren't doing the shadow work and how what initially brought us together. May not be there when individuals grow and change. I've never heard it described in such amazing detail. This is exactly what's causing my breakup. I'm the anxious attached and she's the avoidant. You're not wrong at all!
Your insights hit the nail on the head. Your content is literally saving people and their relationships. My relationship ended before I discovered you but you helped me survive the break up and you are a major catalyst to my growth. I can’t thank you enough! ❤ Keep going, I can’t wait for your channel to reach more and more people!
Me and my partner are 8 and a half years together. We went through so many up and down moments. He is quite an avoidant attachment while I am a more anxious person.
At the moment we are going through couple therapy but I can't say I feel the improvement between us. We have lived together for five years.
My partner is very ok with himself alone and doesn't have any future plans for us. When I mentioned a bigger commitment such as marriage or children, he became "panic" and willing to run away for himself. He doesn't care what would happen to me or how I would feel.
Your videos about the avoidance attachments are very informative and clear. I just don't know how to behave anymore. I know that whatever happens today is the result of the past. He seems to show motivation to work with the therapy but I just can't pause my life to wait for him. I feel so stuck and exhausted.
Love your balanced view on seeing both sides. It feels like it brings both sides of myself into attention at once!
I've had a couple MAJOR shifts and experiences practicing this work over the past month. I think I will video journal about them when they happen and name them shadow work so I can remember them, as it often happens that great things happen and then I forget why or what the components were that I held in place to help them happen. I am thankful that I can rewatch your videos as a reminder.
Awesome. My wife and I have read several books but they have been vague with the actual healing of this dynamic. This was direct and easy to follow. Thank you.
I love this video!! (spoilers for Sex Education) I notice that the dynamic between Mr. Groff and his wife Maureen in Sex Education displays this really well! Mr. Groff has to get in touch with his vulnerable and emotional side and Maureen has to gain some independence from him in the time they’re apart. When they come back together, they clearly both have found a balance in their avoidant and anxious attachments with each other. Thank you for this amazing video Heidi!
I shared this on my channel - masterful - this is what people think “twin Flames” are - when it’s really just shadow work
You are a genius! If you write any books, I will buy them all!
WOW! This video triggered so many aha moments and provided so much insight, I was teary in delight! Thank you so much for sharing your deep knowledge in such an actionable way.
I wish I knew about attachment theory, attachment healing, and shadow work during the latter part of my 11 year marriage. Putting in this work might have saved it and healed our marriage.
Unfortunately, bridges have been burned, and she’s moving on with someone else.
You live and learn, I guess. I just wish we learned this sooner. 😔
Don't beat yourself up. Chances are both of you were too burnt out to be in a place to fully sort it out. It takes a lot of time to heal as individuals and in marriages you're constantly being asked of. Not easy to catch a break.
Life has a funny way of working things out, maybe you found this video right when you were ready to heal.
There's no shame in that.
It's clear that you did your best and cared a lot, otherwise it wouldn't still be so close to your heart. I hope you're being kind to yourself. You deserve love and to be happy too.
Can you reframe this perspective to who can you give your new knowledgeable self to? Does it have to be romantic? Can it be someone else?
@@janetholmes Thank you for your kind words of encouragement. I will.
@@ZabaTheFrog You’re absolutely right, since my attachment wounds affected how I showed up in every other type of relationship in my life. I was always looking for whoever I had an emotional and relational connection with to take care of me in the end and make me feel as though I’m okay.
The healing version of my self can be given to anyone now. I don’t have to give off the same energy of anxious attachment or codependency that I previously habitually did. Being more presently attuned and in the moment with anyone has been a mutually enriching experience. Giving that version of myself to anyone in any kind of relationship has been a new and amazing experience.
@@ZabaTheFrog Absolutely! You’re right. And I have been able to show up differently after much attachment wound healing to different kinds of relationships and social and relational situations.
It’s great because I’m not forcing anything, and I’m starting to be the real me.
I’m still healing certain wounded parts of me that I’ve pushed in my shadow. And what shows up after is a more honest version of myself that I don’t need to be ashamed of anymore.
I have a Masters in relationship counseling.
You did an amazing job here! Complicated topic, you parsed it out very well!
Thank you
The thing is Heidi, avoidant partner do not need their partner to regulate themselves. Partners are not their solitude.
Thanks Heidi,
My heart full of gratitude to you.
You opened my eyes with the understanding that “each and every human being needs comfort and support.” That you taught an adult about this basic human need speaks volumes.
Time and time again, your many attachment videos, especially the ones on “Avoidant Attachment,” helped me understand after much searching.
Likewise, your reference to
John Bradshaw’s “Healing The Shame That Binds You” was a godsend. This book unveiled for me the various types of abandonment which leave one in a cloud of shame, protecting oneself from any attachment which could evoke this powerful feeling that so greatly diminishes one’s self-worth. Of course, the rub on the numerous childhood, parental, abandonment circumstances is that early childhood memories naturally disappear leaving behind shame which remains, untethered to its source and therefore a mystery with a hidden solution. “A dark cave with a hidden way out.”
Likewise, your insightful counsel to intervene on your own behalf when affected by shame, not yours in the making, began a process of healing.
Thank you so much!
Paris
My door is open
Heidi, your videos are life changing for people struggling with these issues. I found your channel a few weeks ago and I have already made big improvements thanks to the tools that you give us. Have you ever or could you ever talk about “imaginary audience”? I experience it a lot with the object of my limerence, always thinking they’re just around the corner or they’re in the car next to me on the road. If anyone can help I think it’s you! Thank you for everything you help us with!!!❤❤
Jesus C.. I am floored by the amount of good information in this video - the comment about using Attachment Theory to suppress the shadow just floored me...thanks so much, will rewatch this as I get deeper into the shadow work...just pray that I can start the healing process and inspire my partner too. But at the same time I am proud I had just started changing my approach by changing myself without even being aware of deep Shadow work. Thanks again!
Brilliant video, as always! ❤ I'm in a long-term avoidant/avoidant relationship and I started attachment healing work for myself only, not to fix the relationship, but to learn what I didn't learn in my early development, and to unlern what was modeled wrong. It changed me. I can't imagine being in a relationship with an anxious individual and trying to work together with them to heal, but the thought of being more vulnerable with my avoidant and allowing him to do the same with me is beautiful. Any chance you'll do a video on how two avoidant should heal together?
That's the way I feel about my relationship with my father. People say avoidant-avoidant relationship doesn't work, but I don't agree. We support each other and are consistently there for each other without smothering. I'm kind of curious about the dynamics of your relationship (if you feel comfortable about sharing it). I don't want to "fix" him or the relationship. I just want to become a whole person and solve my problems. I'm kind of glad to know that someone has similar experience as me!
both members of an old couple I knew were avoidant, and the relationship "worked fine". i never saw them kissing each other, or hugging, or making funny jokes, and when he died several years ago I didn't see a single tear drop on her face, nor have i heard her saying she misses him whatsoever but... there was no conflict between them. i would never judge them, it is ok to have that kind of relationship if that is what you want. but i don't understand the purpose of that kind of relationships.
@@Bornie1977 What you are describing is an extreme form of avoidance or just two people who didn't care about love but wanted a relationship for practical reasons. A relationship between avoidants doesn't have to look like that, but be sure that others will never see or understand how special that connection is to them.
Not everyone cares to parade their great big love all over the place. Keeping it private works just as well for those who don't desire external approval or validation, and don't feel like they have to prove their love to others to feel like it's real.
I want to thank you for your work here. This is the first comment section I've seen on this topic that is not full of bitterness and warnings against this kind of situation, which gives me a lot of hope for finally being able to turn it into growing on each other again
I've been thinking about exactly this! Entering my inner-child work led me into contacting back my ex-partner without knowing it as my attempt to approach her doing the same thing, but then i realized she's unaware of this kind of knowledge and still (now that i'm aware) operating in her attachment-style that sting my inner wound (again) when i had my first conversation with her after going no contact when our relationship went typhoonical-hell.
So better safe yourself, first, stick to your healing work.
That's the most important thing for us.
Brilliant video! One of the best I have come across on anxious/avoidant dynamic and contrasting it with secure dynamic.
Have you thought about creating more playlists on you channel? It might help newcomers like me to find the subjects they want to focus on. An example… intimacy, attachment styles, handling conflicts, shadow work. Thanks for the good work you are doing.
Commenting to just give something back. This is so valuable. Thank you.
I was an anxious-avoidant, into an ego unravel, yearning for acceptance; approached, and successful, we married years later. Decades pass, the children into adults, she withdrawals, now facing the next step. It’s time for me to be for her, what she was for me.
Heidi, please look into Debrowski’s Theory of Positive Disintegration. It’s a wonderful tool for understanding.