Going grey rock helped me until I could leave permanently. It IS so draining and painful. Crazy making and can't trust a single word uttered when confronted. I learned the hard way. Remember your good memories about yourself and the good people that have been in your life. It helps me to heal.
I will always remember you saying: "It doesn't matter whether they are a narcissist or not. Are they abusive? Is it a consistent pattern? Have you asked them to stop and they have failed to stop? Yes yes yes? Well then, you may leave." I appreciate this no bs approach so much. No more pretending I can help a broken other adult. I need to heal myself, and not someone else. I will NOT fall into this trap again because I refuse to deal with abuse. Period.
This is for Sue :) My husband and I were smear campaigned. We ignored it. We never elaborated on anything unless directly asked by someone. We also had to manage a "flying monkey". I insisted that I did not wish to triangulate him and chatted about something else instead. A true friend won't be influenced by someone's story of you. Be strong and grounded in yourself - the good people will stick around.
I feel so sorry for little naive me who started watching you in 2014 in the hope of me managing my ex and of him changing. Was another 5 years before I escaped and no he didn't change. In fact, he did. He got worse. Ty Richard 🙏
The fight and fawn is so true. The absolute refusal to face reality. People don't like me because I'm constantly confronting them with reality and I almost have an inability to lie. Part of my mild autism. I never realized I'm suppose to lie. Or I say inappropriate things lol inappropriate meaning the uncomfortable truth.
31:27 / 34:28 This segment brings me to tears. Ex "nice" covert NPD would tell me that we could talk to anyone about what bothers me and they'd all disagree with me. That triggered my shame. I'm in complete agreement: "You don't agree on these limitations, I'm done." If only I would have ended things after the first few times of these disagreements. Instead, I stayed over 5 years trying to convince Ex and made an ass out of myself. (Your standards about social media contact, etc. is so refreshing. I feel the exactly the same.)
I self-medicated through alot of my almost 20years, sweetheart, wasn't "present" for many moments with our children when they were younger, but 4&1/2 years clean, he's in court being charged by the crown, and I refuse to backtrack!! Ur not an ass for loving someone!! Some lessons r just more painful. U r amazing!!
@@tanyafriesen1549 Thank you for your kind words and for sharing. I made an ass out of myself, not for loving this person, but for trying to get them to love me in the way I need, and for reacting to the triggers. I've been my family-of-origin's scapegoat my whole life. And before this last relationship, I had was married to an NPD for 15 years with a family--but this was a sibling type of relationship where I expected nothing more than basic human respect, but couldn't even get that. My last relationship was with someone who I love so much, but can never have because this person is unattainable and unreachable--but did many nice things for me. Letting this person go within myself just might be harder for me than my accepting my NPD mom didn't love me. Yes, many painful lessons. But they have all brought me to today where I finally am accepting myself--which is, in good part, accepting my needs. (As I pointed to in the original comment.) You seem really resilient. Your kids are seeing you find your way out of messes--what an important example that is!
Extremely challenging situation is finding yourself in a relationship that’s covertly narcissistically abusive and the abuser knows enough to apologize and make token gestures of change and come across as wanting to be “self aware,” be a “loving person,” and maybe they stop humiliating and screaming at you when no one else is around, they seem to genuinely care about not being hurtful, but they continue to devalue you in subtle and cruel ways and still justify those behaviors for whatever reasons- they can present as someone who is “changing” but the abuse just transmutes to another form that is somehow more nebulous and slippery to define as abusive, at least in their eyes. It is an insane making dynamic and I admittedly struggled and still struggle to fully let go of hope change is possible. Even though being on the receiving end makes me feel rotten. I know I’m not being “too sensitive.” Those changes that have happened leave me clinging to that sliver of malignant hope
Richard Grannon, thank you for your extremely wonderful sense of humor. It's healing. I have to admit that this is the most painful video that I've ever watched. And, the one that I will be thinking about for the longest. I aways say I want the truth and I know there's no such thing as that. I want the truth from the source as they see it. No one will dare even begin to tell me how they feel. This video opened up a chance for me to see my responsibility and my contribution to the pain my children suffer now. I was the, you're the best! person. Who knew that could cause harm? The narcissist was covertly saying the opposite. You're garbage. This video answers a question of why the first time I walked into a conference I felt this duality of being unworthy garbage and yet somehow special in a room full of people. Thank you. I used to think you were narcissistic. 😊 You are a narcissist's dream. I feel like I just ran 10 miles and my stomach hurts. But, I finally heard the truth. 💙
It's a behavioral habitual repertoire. They change immediately when the tactics fail in a given environment. The behaviors will never go away. They'll come right back online as soon as the environment rewards them. But they can exhibit pro- social behaviors when it pays off
I know a woman who was adopted @ 18 months old. She was raised with a brother and sister who were not adopted. Her parents were very loving. They were especially over accommodating with her, and I do believe that they did mean the best. They wanted so badly for her to feel loved and apart of the family that they pretty much praised her for every little thing-basically for existing. She was often told that she must’ve been extra special to God, and He must’ve loved her more, bc she was adopted into such a wonderful family, when her fate could’ve been much worse. They went above and beyond to the point that I believe it turned her into a narcissist. She’s either one or the other; a covert narcissist or a psychopath. Can’t quite figure out which one-but she’s abusive to everyone around her.
@@redrum4100 she’s 72. I’ve known her for over 20 years. I didn’t want to say how she’s connected to me bc I want to be careful not to expose her in order to protect her reputation bc her image and reputation mean more to her than anything. I went no contact with her-but the potential of her keeping tabs is of concern. I need to protect my family. Last time we wanted to do an intervention with her it backfired horribly on my family and I. She can be relentlessly vicious and cruel.
It’s hard to let go when you still have hope. The question is about your hope of reparation for yourself instead of the hope of the other person to change. Somewhere in the matrix, we have been convinced that if the other person change their behavior towards us it would prove that we are worthy of love. You can see how intermitent reinforcement can do great arm if that keeps you hook in forever wishing for them to change. Richard, you said something to the effect that we must fuze the good and the bad version of that person to he abble to move foward, it takes time, you must grieve the relationship and the fantasy of the best version of that relationship you hoped you could have before you can stop hoping for them to change. It is so painfull to think that you have a defect (something you must have learn in your childwood) and that it has no importance anymore if only you could be love by that person, truly just like you are. Then, we can only imagine, how we can become obsessed by the NEED for them to change, to change our sad story, to legitimate our existence. Can they change? Is it important? Can you recognize why you wish they could change? Can you see how your symptoms look like one of an addict? It takes time, it’s normal and please people do not pathologize yourself thinking that you have a prolonged grief syndrom because when you go through the process, you have to grieve the family you didn’t have, the neglect, everything. If you don’t do the work, there is a pretty high risk that you will meet someone else one day to continue the grief that you had left unresolve. It’s the hardest thing to do. There’s hope for you to be in a better place one day, but there’s so little chance that it would be with that person. They did so much damage already, they would prefer a fresh start, a blank paper and be better at keeping their mask on. If they stay with you, it might be that they’re too coward to take the risk of loosing you before they get new suply. They know how to keep you hooked but they don’t know how to love, being vulnerable is not part of the plan, for now. Can they change, yes, if they put the effort, but is it the real question?
Richard is absolutely right about the Kabbalah, I started something very similar in my 30’s, without the necessary preparation, I was a fool. I was in a happy place with a good future ahead of me, got involved with a system similar to Kabbalah, it turned my world upside down, didn’t realise it until just lately when after my relationship with the mother of my children ended and dated two narcissists in a row, didn’t know anything about narcissism . Came across his channel which has been super helpful, looked into the way a narcissist thinks and realised the mistake I made with my life, I had developed a narcissistic outlook, it is the reason why Jewish Rabbis made sure you were of the right mindset to practice it, as the perfect candidate would know how not to walk around in the mindset all day long and be able to revert back to being of normal mindset in everyday life, you had to be able to go from one to the other, it isn’t for everyone. Luckily for me , I wasn’t totally lost in the world of illusion, building my relationships I burned through delusion. So please anyone out there, there is a time for family, a time for friendship, a time for work and a time for spirituality, peace and love to all ✌️
There a 90% probability that Narcassist will not change ! All they inevitably care about is maintaining their suppy ! They always have two unknowing suckers on the line ! .y ex wife has one now. Probably laying down close to $3000 a month to maintain her ! Yes, There are angels who watch Narcassist's backs ! Until they are completely drained and near broken financially !! Run folks !! Run !!!! The Narcassist will always have their radar on looking for the next victim. Believe it !! Richard, Your videos are straight forward and great !! Thanks for your info !!
I came out of my very undermining childhood ‘pathologically open’ (best way I can describe it) it got me into a lot of awful situations. You helped me understand this Richard in an old video, and I’ve made good progress since thanks to you!
Love ❤️ love 💕 absolutely love 💗 you Richard. You make me laugh and smile 😊 your super funny. Your the greatest. Thank you for your videos. I always look forward to them. I really don’t need to anymore because Iam healed but I just can’t stop watching you. Your extremely special and unique. God bless you always and forever.
I believe children are narcassists. An adult narcasist's identity has never grown up. Very scared of failure, judgement and envious. Just like a child. My belief is that they can learn and change but it must come from within. They simply do not have the ability to give another person any credit. Therefore, any self growth is done the hard way.
I'm archiving this to listen later, but YES, a narcissists can change: They can get worse! (Lol) I believe people on the path to narcissism or only some traits can change, but not after crossing certain thresholds, as you've described in the past. Looking forward to hearing all your input on this question! Also, yes narcissists can change... because they're friggin' chameleons! hahaha
It can happen, rare yes. But i know personally at the end of their life , there can be admission and remorse. Rare, but it did happen. The power of Jesus or God, idk but did happen, my mother was full of remorse @TheCrossPearls
My narcissistic brother shouted at me today in the Church (on Christ's resurrection) and left the temple. He fasted for 48 days. And he did not receive communion.
Narcissists can change according to willingness. Narcissism is a personality that means it's innate or natural. It is the shadow self of every person but some are natural and the other is not natural because they are not evil. In my journey of abuse and healing, i realized the truth that we are all split in nature. It's the creation of God. It's only that how we use it, for discernment or for destruction. We are not equal people we have levels and layers of skills and talents including character between good and evil. Narcissists can change but as a matter of fact, it's an awareness that is based on free will of choice until it will become a repetition a seed that grows within the being because of unrestrained existence from its creation.
Thank you, this was a really good one Richard🙃...........I got out of my Narcissistic Family's orbit as a teenager, and have strived to manage the fallout through therapy for 3 decades. One of 6 sisters, we all suffered varying degrees of severe trauma...and we all have been left with a type of irreversible brain damage, which most definitely effects the way we view the world and others.
There is nothing we can do when they deny anything is wrong with them even after their fits of Rage and physical abuse, cheating, lies. Yet, they deny it all including denying the physical assault. Very dangerous. Very delusional.
Right on Richard!!! I'm the same way about chatting it up with other men etc on fb or Instagram when I'm in a relationship...it's called flirting and when I'm with someone that person is the only one I flirt with period. If my grandparents would have had to stay married through these social media tines I don't know if they would have made it!
Thanks for the advice on how to handle the smear campaign. Trying not to stress it too much although I was so isolated I don't have many people who have known me that long to ground in. But keeping the calm and peace I've learned to live in. Many thanks to you, Richard, my avatar friend in the fight.
Interesting question can a narcissist change? Whether they can or not, does it matter. Whether it’s a narcissistic relationship or a relationship if you’re expecting someone to have to change or need to change perhaps it’s not a relationship one should be in. in theory we grow individually and as a couple. every day we’re changing as humans. If seeking institutionalized ideas and philosophies and measures to fix somebody or a relationship, perhaps it’s not a relationship.
Micheal Jackson and Russell Brand, I speak as a fan ( what does that word mean ? ) of both , they are both extremely interesting , entertaining individuals. Micheal channelled his pain into music and became an icon , and Russell , ( a self aware narcissist , I feel ) has managed to find balance and peace. Boundaries are key. Agree with you on the social media thing , I don't have social media , although that could change. People have no attention span these days and are continuously looking for the next fish, so that alone opens us all up to narcissism. Keep up the good work Richard. Thanks for sharing so much of yourself. Glassed ? ! jealousy, most likely , f'in humans ! Me personally, a few too many dragons have infiltrated and trespassed. Keep well all.
Yes, alledgedly some can become decent at least in behaviour. But considering the pain I endured growing up with at least 1 (other I can't really place but it's not pretty), they have my sympathies. They really do. But from a safe distance. Since most people aren't abusive I rather spend time with anyone but those who are. Helping a person with an abusers past better themselves isn't something I can manage. I don't have the strenght or personality required to do so.
My ex would listen and take to heart EVERYONES opinion and discussion even fights. But good grief if I said the slightest thing he would loose his shit completely. Why is that? Why listen and take other peoples opinions to heart, to try change his behaviour cos Bob said this or that. But when I do it he thinks Im attacking him and all hell breaks loose
I don't have the awnser. I simply lack the expertise and don't know your situation. But what you seem to describe is someone wearing a mask with others, while being completely different with you. That is a trait many narcissists have. They have a carefully cultivated image to the outside world. I know someone well who is like that. That person even asks advice to those who have seen the mask off, to better make sure their outside image holds up to everyone else. Going as far as to slip into their outside persona saying things like 'I don't want to come off too harsh or critisize anyone, that's just not me.' Doing exactly that in brutal fashion to us of course. There seems to be a real disconnect between who they are and who they pretend to be. This may or may not help you. But perhaps it gives you an angle to find some awnsers.
In my experience... a big, fat "no". During marriage counselling I witnessed deflection. During other legal proceedings with several observers, I witnessed complete denial/lying. But from their perspective, they probably actually believed that they're not flawed or have issues. Save your soul and avoid.
Hi! I remeber reading an article from one of clincal psychologist in our country (Slovenia), it said that when a narcissist is in a position when a major life field is collapsing like the loss of bussinses, status or an important relationship he is in a state considering somethnig to change. But that doesn t directly indicate a cabability of change.
If they have the passion to be a good person, they cannot see them as evil person in the long run. With the repented heart, they will come to the Lord and he will forgive them. He will purify them. When I cried out to the Lord complaining about the evil narcissit was doing to me, he showed me the evil that was in my heart. Judge not and you will not be judged. Forgive and you will be forgiven.
Richard, in this vein of discussing childhood, and how you often speak of yin and yang, what would that look like in raising a child? Or maybe you could frame it in how to raise a ‘human’ with healthy yin/yang concepts in their life.
My sister changed in her pregnancy and is very empathic after giving birth. It puzzled me. I never saw a narc changing. Its now 1,5 years thatshe is empathic towards me.
I’ve seen that too. Pregnancy/ birth can change skin tone, hair colour, curly to straight and vice versa - are we seeing epigenetics at play that influence narcissistic traits? Mayhap. It’s beyond my reckoning.
@@RICHARDGRANNON thank you for your response. She had given birth naturally with pain meds, but no injection in the spine and no c-section. Maybe it matters? Or maybe it depends of the type of narc. She was not an covert narc, nor was she meligniant. She was the egoistic one, who had zero empathie for others when she wants things her way. Entiteled, spoiled, school bully. She said she feels like an "old man" inside. The change is a mistery to me. Its like changing from a little dumb grand narc to a victim, whos marriage is constantly in trubble. I am buffled!
@@mint_soup9743 absolutely! Yes, she treats us all soo nice and caring. But i am sometimes thinking "Wait a minute- will she change back and be super egoistic again? Am i save with building that relationsship back again?" Its like we snaped to besties.
@@RICHARDGRANNON I did not know about changes in genetics and psyche after giving birth. So i am very glad i got this answer from you it helped me. Is there any observation about this changes beeing constant, or do they snap back after some time?
My psychopath spouse has been found to be dating a LMFT (licensed marriage & family therapist)...She is coaching HIM on how crazy 'I' am... 🤡 I couldn't have made this up if I tried
Someone brought up Peter Pan; I often say that Peter Pan and the lost boys live at the bottom of a Budweiser can and they never want to grow up and the rules don't apply to them 😊(ex may have biased me a tad)
I believe there is always hope that modalities can one day present and offer change. Because everything is energy. And emotions & thought patterns are an energy. They are stuck in a negative rhythm and low vibrational energetic state. How can we raise the levels of consciousness? Worth exploring.
Yes, anyone can change. The question is what does it take to truly change someone? The answer is the grace and mercy of the Lord Jesus Christ. Only a truly repentant heart, baptized with the Holy Spirit, can be born again and clothed in the righteousness of Christ Jesus. Truly I tell you, if you harbor any resentment, bitterness, or an unforgiving spirit towards the narcissist in your life, you are in no better position than they are before the Lord. For if He would forgive you of all the wickedness that toils in your heart, how much more should you forgive another who's heart is afflicted with greater wickedness than yours? "Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice." - Ephesians 4:31 "I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you. And I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh." - Ezekiel 36:26
Hello Richard, thanks again for another livestream. You have great humor and I enjoy listening to you the things you share with us. I have a request though and that is to turn off comment restrictions in UA-cam studio. Many times YT deletes comments because of their narrow minded AI generated algoritm.
@@RICHARDGRANNON from personal experience I can tell that it is not restricted to swearing alone. The YT-filter has become narrower over time. I myself have turned off restrictions on my vids so I can decide for myself which one are acceptable and take action seeing it from a human perspective instead of artificial intelligence.
I have learned a fast way tp see of you even have a chance to have a healthy relation of any kimd with anybody all is to observe how the other person reacts when you switch your focus of admiration. Just by being prpud of your self and making you the focus more then ypu usally do only brings out a very ugly side in a person that needs to fake intrest in someone or something. We all have bad days but when we care about something it makes us feel good to think about that. If it doesnt there probably is something in that we dont wont to accept. But you cant fake it 😍 The rulles seems to go both ways 😎❤
Spoiling is a PERNICIOUS form of abuse that i think is closely intertwined with emotional incest. My father is a sadist who exhibits all npd observable behaviors. When i got diagnosed w stage 4 cancer he suddenly did a 180 and showed up acting out the part of the parent he never was. I didn't trust it. I kept him at arm's length. People around me were so ready to believe he had changed. I knew better. The mask slipped. I was right. It was all an act. Somewhere in his fevered imagination he had planned to use me to take care of him in his old age. Now that's not a resource he can count on. He panicked.
@35:20 Why?? Why aren't people understanding this? I am not doing such a thing, I am just not like that, ergo, it is hurtful for me to see and/or realize that my narcissistic partner has no problem liking other girls photos on social media. Coming from a conservative culture and having a narcissist boyfriend or partner just won't pan out. Knowing they will never cease to like other girls pictures is just downright distasteful and disturbing. Morally corrupt. 😢 sad but true.
“You would only bother to watch this if you’ve been through a narcissistically abusive relationship” FWIW, I watch because I have close family isolated in those types of relationships. Still trying to find a way to support them.
Hi, I've never reached out to anyone before, but I came across one of your UA-cam shorts and thought screw it, nothing to lose so here it goes. I'm a 30 year old woman, been in a relationship for 13 years and only now trying to get out of it as it has been a toxic one for all the years. My partner is an abusive narcissist but doesn't know it and is trying to fix himself but its not working. My only question is how do I leave and leave on amicable terms? Thank you, your advice is most appreciated.🙏
You don’t worry about being on amicable terms. I left a 20 year marriage with 4 kids and hoped for amicable but realized that I was trying to control the situation by being “nice”. You take care of yourself and let others have their temper tantrums.
@ericamoore8706 Thank you Erica, that was the boos I needed, it's been a toxic environment and I think I've just mentally burnt out. Need to escape from it or I fear what may happen if I don't. Thank you for the encouraging advice, I appreciate it so much!🙏😊
The problem is when you have told them 5+ ties to not eat the vanilla ice cream, but when you finally decide to leave the ice cream shop, then they want to come back and offer you any ice cream, candy, and treat you have ever wanted to keep you eat up their BS.. they seem to be changing but the same insecurities come out of them like the reverse accusations of the victim entertaining other flavors and getting upset that you don't want them and may even consider other flavors besides theirs.. how do we know when to just say FXXK IT??
In response to Annie Brunet,"what do they do if you get them arrested?" My ex has been playing the long game; police decided to charge him with assault and strangulation when the officer showed up to do a health check last July 29th and she could tell looking at my neck that he was left-handed. He got a lawyer finally a month and a half ago, (our 3 daughters were all home at the time so mcfd sees me as the only fit parent) he'd been paying the rent even though his restraining order prohibits him from being within 100 meters of the property until part way through April. Landlord said no to putting me on the lease and paying the money owing and I have yet to find another place to rent for me and the kids and 2 cats and it seems like he might be getting the landlord to evict me so he can get back in "his house". 🙃🤔 Doesn't care about the kids, even, just that he gets what he wants and is sure he deserves.
I should go to Britain 🇬🇧 the men are hotter than American.😉😘😉🔥🔥🔥. My dad and his mom was British. I would love ❤️ nothing more than go on a tour learn my history. I really should. Your the greatest Richard. Love ❤️ love 💕 love ❤️ your name your mother did well.
I’m reading your book! Phenomenal info. It’s a brave write and a fantastic read. Thank you!
"don't let yourself be befuddled by people's bullshit" -Richard Grannon
So true . More you try to talk more you are sucked into a dark soulless vortex . It’s actually mentally painful and draining .
Going grey rock helped me until I could leave permanently. It IS so draining and painful. Crazy making and can't trust a single word uttered when confronted. I learned the hard way. Remember your good memories about yourself and the good people that have been in your life. It helps me to heal.
What you are saying reminds me of those recorded conversations between amber heard and Johnny Depp.
A Big No, there cannot. Just avoid them completely.
I will always remember you saying: "It doesn't matter whether they are a narcissist or not. Are they abusive? Is it a consistent pattern? Have you asked them to stop and they have failed to stop? Yes yes yes? Well then, you may leave." I appreciate this no bs approach so much. No more pretending I can help a broken other adult. I need to heal myself, and not someone else. I will NOT fall into this trap again because I refuse to deal with abuse. Period.
Set simple boundaries, only 1 or 2 and see what happens. Will tell u all u need
This is for Sue :) My husband and I were smear campaigned. We ignored it. We never elaborated on anything unless directly asked by someone. We also had to manage a "flying monkey". I insisted that I did not wish to triangulate him and chatted about something else instead. A true friend won't be influenced by someone's story of you. Be strong and grounded in yourself - the good people will stick around.
I feel so sorry for little naive me who started watching you in 2014 in the hope of me managing my ex and of him changing. Was another 5 years before I escaped and no he didn't change. In fact, he did. He got worse. Ty Richard 🙏
They don't change imho, but rather evolve if they have too. Sometime they evolve into something worse.
Why would they want to change? They make everyone bend to their wills. It's nice to see you chuckle, Richard. You're making progress. You've helped !
The fight and fawn is so true. The absolute refusal to face reality. People don't like me because I'm constantly confronting them with reality and I almost have an inability to lie. Part of my mild autism. I never realized I'm suppose to lie. Or I say inappropriate things lol inappropriate meaning the uncomfortable truth.
31:27 / 34:28 This segment brings me to tears. Ex "nice" covert NPD would tell me that we could talk to anyone about what bothers me and they'd all disagree with me. That triggered my shame. I'm in complete agreement: "You don't agree on these limitations, I'm done." If only I would have ended things after the first few times of these disagreements. Instead, I stayed over 5 years trying to convince Ex and made an ass out of myself.
(Your standards about social media contact, etc. is so refreshing. I feel the exactly the same.)
I self-medicated through alot of my almost 20years, sweetheart, wasn't "present" for many moments with our children when they were younger, but 4&1/2 years clean, he's in court being charged by the crown, and I refuse to backtrack!! Ur not an ass for loving someone!! Some lessons r just more painful. U r amazing!!
@@tanyafriesen1549 Thank you for your kind words and for sharing. I made an ass out of myself, not for loving this person, but for trying to get them to love me in the way I need, and for reacting to the triggers.
I've been my family-of-origin's scapegoat my whole life. And before this last relationship, I had was married to an NPD for 15 years with a family--but this was a sibling type of relationship where I expected nothing more than basic human respect, but couldn't even get that. My last relationship was with someone who I love so much, but can never have because this person is unattainable and unreachable--but did many nice things for me. Letting this person go within myself just might be harder for me than my accepting my NPD mom didn't love me.
Yes, many painful lessons. But they have all brought me to today where I finally am accepting myself--which is, in good part, accepting my needs. (As I pointed to in the original comment.) You seem really resilient. Your kids are seeing you find your way out of messes--what an important example that is!
Extremely challenging situation is finding yourself in a relationship that’s covertly narcissistically abusive and the abuser knows enough to apologize and make token gestures of change and come across as wanting to be “self aware,” be a “loving person,” and maybe they stop humiliating and screaming at you when no one else is around, they seem to genuinely care about not being hurtful, but they continue to devalue you in subtle and cruel ways and still justify those behaviors for whatever reasons- they can present as someone who is “changing” but the abuse just transmutes to another form that is somehow more nebulous and slippery to define as abusive, at least in their eyes. It is an insane making dynamic and I admittedly struggled and still struggle to fully let go of hope change is possible. Even though being on the receiving end makes me feel rotten. I know I’m not being “too sensitive.” Those changes that have happened leave me clinging to that sliver of malignant hope
Richard Grannon, thank you for your extremely wonderful sense of humor. It's healing. I have to admit that this is the most painful video that I've ever watched. And, the one that I will be thinking about for the longest. I aways say I want the truth and I know there's no such thing as that. I want the truth from the source as they see it. No one will dare even begin to tell me how they feel. This video opened up a chance for me to see my responsibility and my contribution to the pain my children suffer now. I was the, you're the best! person. Who knew that could cause harm? The narcissist was covertly saying the opposite. You're garbage. This video answers a question of why the first time I walked into a conference I felt this duality of being unworthy garbage and yet somehow special in a room full of people. Thank you. I used to think you were narcissistic. 😊
You are a narcissist's dream.
I feel like I just ran 10 miles and my stomach hurts. But, I finally heard the truth. 💙
You did great during that shit storm. Made me proud honestly.💓 Nice to see you still going strong! 💪🏼
Seeing a video from Richard makes me happy!
It's a behavioral habitual repertoire. They change immediately when the tactics fail in a given environment. The behaviors will never go away. They'll come right back online as soon as the environment rewards them. But they can exhibit pro- social behaviors when it pays off
They're experts at it. Except with those they choose to abuse. Then the lines get confusingly blurry at times. Even for them it seems.
I haven’t seen it happen and I refuse to wait around until the mythological “change” comes.
From what I've learned it seems any 'change' is actually for the worse!
thank you for beautiful Shakespearean evening!! I love the dramatic part!! 😂
If his channel fails, he could fall back on the theater for sure.
I know a woman who was adopted @ 18 months old. She was raised with a brother and sister who were not adopted. Her parents were very loving. They were especially over accommodating with her, and I do believe that they did mean the best. They wanted so badly for her to feel loved and apart of the family that they pretty much praised her for every little thing-basically for existing. She was often told that she must’ve been extra special to God, and He must’ve loved her more, bc she was adopted into such a wonderful family, when her fate could’ve been much worse. They went above and beyond to the point that I believe it turned her into a narcissist.
She’s either one or the other; a covert narcissist or a psychopath. Can’t quite figure out which one-but she’s abusive to everyone around her.
How old is she?
@@redrum4100 she’s 72. I’ve known her for over 20 years. I didn’t want to say how she’s connected to me bc I want to be careful not to expose her in order to protect her reputation bc her image and reputation mean more to her than anything. I went no contact with her-but the potential of her keeping tabs is of concern. I need to protect my family. Last time we wanted to do an intervention with her it backfired horribly on my family and I. She can be relentlessly vicious and cruel.
It’s hard to let go when you still have hope. The question is about your hope of reparation for yourself instead of the hope of the other person to change. Somewhere in the matrix, we have been convinced that if the other person change their behavior towards us it would prove that we are worthy of love. You can see how intermitent reinforcement can do great arm if that keeps you hook in forever wishing for them to change. Richard, you said something to the effect that we must fuze the good and the bad version of that person to he abble to move foward, it takes time, you must grieve the relationship and the fantasy of the best version of that relationship you hoped you could have before you can stop hoping for them to change. It is so painfull to think that you have a defect (something you must have learn in your childwood) and that it has no importance anymore if only you could be love by that person, truly just like you are. Then, we can only imagine, how we can become obsessed by the NEED for them to change, to change our sad story, to legitimate our existence. Can they change? Is it important? Can you recognize why you wish they could change? Can you see how your symptoms look like one of an addict? It takes time, it’s normal and please people do not pathologize yourself thinking that you have a prolonged grief syndrom because when you go through the process, you have to grieve the family you didn’t have, the neglect, everything. If you don’t do the work, there is a pretty high risk that you will meet someone else one day to continue the grief that you had left unresolve. It’s the hardest thing to do. There’s hope for you to be in a better place one day, but there’s so little chance that it would be with that person. They did so much damage already, they would prefer a fresh start, a blank paper and be better at keeping their mask on. If they stay with you, it might be that they’re too coward to take the risk of loosing you before they get new suply. They know how to keep you hooked but they don’t know how to love, being vulnerable is not part of the plan, for now. Can they change, yes, if they put the effort, but is it the real question?
Richard is absolutely right about the Kabbalah, I started something very similar in my 30’s, without the necessary preparation, I was a fool.
I was in a happy place with a good future ahead of me, got involved with a system similar to Kabbalah, it turned my world upside down, didn’t realise it until just lately when after my relationship with the mother of my children ended and dated two narcissists in a row, didn’t know anything about narcissism .
Came across his channel which has been super helpful, looked into the way a narcissist thinks and realised the mistake I made with my life, I had developed a narcissistic outlook, it is the reason why Jewish Rabbis made sure you were of the right mindset to practice it, as the perfect candidate would know how not to walk around in the mindset all day long and be able to revert back to being of normal mindset in everyday life, you had to be able to go from one to the other, it isn’t for everyone.
Luckily for me , I wasn’t totally lost in the world of illusion, building my relationships I burned through delusion.
So please anyone out there, there is a time for family, a time for friendship, a time for work and a time for spirituality, peace and love to all ✌️
There a 90% probability that Narcassist will not change ! All they inevitably care about is maintaining their suppy ! They always have two unknowing suckers on the line ! .y ex wife has one now. Probably laying down close to $3000 a month to maintain her ! Yes, There are angels who watch Narcassist's backs ! Until they are completely drained and near broken financially !! Run folks !! Run !!!! The Narcassist will always have their radar on looking for the next victim. Believe it !!
Richard, Your videos are straight forward and great !! Thanks for your info !!
Loved the smear campaign topic response. Nailed it!
Not easy for sure 😢
Richard is correct about the smear campaign. The quieter and less reactive you are the better. They want you to lash out.
Finally when hearing about Jung's Kabbalah sessions I get what happened to Jordan Peterson. (Starting around 1:09:55)
PERFECT! Thanks for pointing that out!! Spot on!
I came out of my very undermining childhood ‘pathologically open’ (best way I can describe it) it got me into a lot of awful situations. You helped me understand this Richard in an old video, and I’ve made good progress since thanks to you!
Love ❤️ love 💕 absolutely love 💗 you Richard. You make me laugh and smile 😊 your super funny. Your the greatest. Thank you for your videos. I always look forward to them. I really don’t need to anymore because Iam healed but I just can’t stop watching you. Your extremely special and unique. God bless you always and forever.
I believe children are narcassists. An adult narcasist's identity has never grown up. Very scared of failure, judgement and envious. Just like a child. My belief is that they can learn and change but it must come from within. They simply do not have the ability to give another person any credit. Therefore, any self growth is done the hard way.
love this subject. this was a very interesting talk. also Richard you're my fav space squid tentacle monster🐙🦑
Id a narc that hid herself from me for 2years living with her, the minute we got married she changed. They can change alright
He TRIED to give me Truth.
. . .the mawnstuh.
😂🤣🤣😂 🤨 🥺
For 24 minutes, I was concentrated on myself... "Do I have hope?" Then, the role-play brought enlightenment. My goodness, THANK YOU
I'm archiving this to listen later, but YES, a narcissists can change: They can get worse! (Lol)
I believe people on the path to narcissism or only some traits can change, but not after crossing certain thresholds, as you've described in the past. Looking forward to hearing all your input on this question! Also, yes narcissists can change... because they're friggin' chameleons! hahaha
Why has this Man not got a million hits ( hope I don’t seem narcissistic in saying so 😂
Brilliant information
Thank you
We live inside a system run by Narcissist's - so no wonder so many people suffer from it.
Not on their own. They can have a genuine "come to Jesus" born again experience. That is the ONLY way a person with NPD can change.
And it’s very unlikely sadly.
It can happen, rare yes. But i know personally at the end of their life , there can be admission and remorse. Rare, but it did happen. The power of Jesus or God, idk but did happen, my mother was full of remorse @TheCrossPearls
@TheCrossPearls I did during a NDE in 2018.
Cheers.
Christi
@@chrissemenko628Christi, thus is incredible. Would love to hear more.
My narcissistic brother shouted at me today in the Church (on Christ's resurrection) and left the temple. He fasted for 48 days. And he did not receive communion.
Narcissists can change according to willingness. Narcissism is a personality that means it's innate or natural. It is the shadow self of every person but some are natural and the other is not natural because they are not evil. In my journey of abuse and healing, i realized the truth that we are all split in nature. It's the creation of God. It's only that how we use it, for discernment or for destruction. We are not equal people we have levels and layers of skills and talents including character between good and evil. Narcissists can change but as a matter of fact, it's an awareness that is based on free will of choice until it will become a repetition a seed that grows within the being because of unrestrained existence from its creation.
Thank you, this was a really good one Richard🙃...........I got out of my Narcissistic Family's orbit as a teenager, and have strived to manage the fallout through therapy for 3 decades. One of 6 sisters, we all suffered varying degrees of severe trauma...and we all have been left with a type of irreversible brain damage, which most definitely effects the way we view the world and others.
Thank you for sharing your knowledge. I had a great laugh too.
There is nothing we can do when they deny anything is wrong with them even after their fits of Rage and physical abuse, cheating, lies. Yet, they deny it all including denying the physical assault. Very dangerous. Very delusional.
No, they think everything is OK with them and blame others for bringing up problems that don't exist in their mind
You’re just the coolest in this conversation
He always is.😊
Right on Richard!!! I'm the same way about chatting it up with other men etc on fb or Instagram when I'm in a relationship...it's called flirting and when I'm with someone that person is the only one I flirt with period. If my grandparents would have had to stay married through these social media tines I don't know if they would have made it!
If there is one sentence my ex said that summed up her behaviour that rings in my head it is “shut up I’m talking about me”
Thanks for the advice on how to handle the smear campaign. Trying not to stress it too much although I was so isolated I don't have many people who have known me that long to ground in. But keeping the calm and peace I've learned to live in. Many thanks to you, Richard, my avatar friend in the fight.
I’ll save you a lot of time. The answer is NO. People with NPD are damaged. These people will ruin your life. RUN.
Interesting question can a narcissist change? Whether they can or not, does it matter. Whether it’s a narcissistic relationship or a relationship if you’re expecting someone to have to change or need to change perhaps it’s not a relationship one should be in. in theory we grow individually and as a couple. every day we’re changing as humans. If seeking institutionalized ideas and philosophies and measures to fix somebody or a relationship, perhaps it’s not a relationship.
Micheal Jackson and Russell Brand, I speak as a fan ( what does that word mean ? ) of both , they are both extremely interesting , entertaining individuals. Micheal channelled his pain into music and became an icon , and Russell , ( a self aware narcissist , I feel ) has managed to find balance and peace. Boundaries are key. Agree with you on the social media thing , I don't have social media , although that could change. People have no attention span these days and are continuously looking for the next fish, so that alone opens us all up to narcissism. Keep up the good work Richard. Thanks for sharing so much of yourself. Glassed ? ! jealousy, most likely , f'in humans ! Me personally, a few too many dragons have infiltrated and trespassed. Keep well all.
Thank you, Richard
Love Barry ❤
5 steps
And your advice generally
Yes, alledgedly some can become decent at least in behaviour.
But considering the pain I endured growing up with at least 1 (other I can't really place but it's not pretty), they have my sympathies. They really do. But from a safe distance.
Since most people aren't abusive I rather spend time with anyone but those who are. Helping a person with an abusers past better themselves isn't something I can manage. I don't have the strenght or personality required to do so.
My ex would listen and take to heart EVERYONES opinion and discussion even fights. But good grief if I said the slightest thing he would loose his shit completely. Why is that? Why listen and take other peoples opinions to heart, to try change his behaviour cos Bob said this or that. But when I do it he thinks Im attacking him and all hell breaks loose
I don't have the awnser. I simply lack the expertise and don't know your situation.
But what you seem to describe is someone wearing a mask with others, while being completely different with you.
That is a trait many narcissists have. They have a carefully cultivated image to the outside world.
I know someone well who is like that. That person even asks advice to those who have seen the mask off, to better make sure their outside image holds up to everyone else.
Going as far as to slip into their outside persona saying things like 'I don't want to come off too harsh or critisize anyone, that's just not me.'
Doing exactly that in brutal fashion to us of course.
There seems to be a real disconnect between who they are and who they pretend to be.
This may or may not help you. But perhaps it gives you an angle to find some awnsers.
I think to triangulate and devalue you
In my experience... a big, fat "no". During marriage counselling I witnessed deflection. During other legal proceedings with several observers, I witnessed complete denial/lying. But from their perspective, they probably actually believed that they're not flawed or have issues. Save your soul and avoid.
great talk :)
Hi! I remeber reading an article from one of clincal psychologist in our country (Slovenia), it said that when a narcissist is in a position when a major life field is collapsing like the loss of bussinses, status or an important relationship he is in a state considering somethnig to change. But that doesn t directly indicate a cabability of change.
If they have the passion to be a good person, they cannot see them as evil person in the long run. With the repented heart, they will come to the Lord and he will forgive them. He will purify them. When I cried out to the Lord complaining about the evil narcissit was doing to me, he showed me the evil that was in my heart. Judge not and you will not be judged. Forgive and you will be forgiven.
Richard, in this vein of discussing childhood, and how you often speak of yin and yang, what would that look like in raising a child? Or maybe you could frame it in how to raise a ‘human’ with healthy yin/yang concepts in their life.
My sister changed in her pregnancy and is very empathic after giving birth. It puzzled me. I never saw a narc changing. Its now 1,5 years thatshe is empathic towards me.
That's fascinating. I hope she continues to treat you well
I’ve seen that too. Pregnancy/ birth can change skin tone, hair colour, curly to straight and vice versa - are we seeing epigenetics at play that influence narcissistic traits? Mayhap. It’s beyond my reckoning.
@@RICHARDGRANNON thank you for your response. She had given birth naturally with pain meds, but no injection in the spine and no c-section. Maybe it matters? Or maybe it depends of the type of narc. She was not an covert narc, nor was she meligniant. She was the egoistic one, who had zero empathie for others when she wants things her way. Entiteled, spoiled, school bully. She said she feels like an "old man" inside. The change is a mistery to me. Its like changing from a little dumb grand narc to a victim, whos marriage is constantly in trubble. I am buffled!
@@mint_soup9743 absolutely! Yes, she treats us all soo nice and caring. But i am sometimes thinking "Wait a minute- will she change back and be super egoistic again? Am i save with building that relationsship back again?" Its like we snaped to besties.
@@RICHARDGRANNON I did not know about changes in genetics and psyche after giving birth. So i am very glad i got this answer from you it helped me. Is there any observation about this changes beeing constant, or do they snap back after some time?
25:35
A narcissist has an unreasonably high opinion of himself and it's a disorder if that causes problems.
HERSELF
@@lupaswolfshead9971THEYSELF!
@@lupaswolfshead9971XERSELF
@@lupaswolfshead9971THERIONSELF (this is real 😂😂)
@@RICHARDGRANNON lmfao
Spot on Richard!
My psychopath spouse has been found to be dating a LMFT (licensed marriage & family therapist)...She is coaching HIM on how crazy 'I' am... 🤡 I couldn't have made this up if I tried
No.
Someone brought up Peter Pan; I often say that Peter Pan and the lost boys live at the bottom of a Budweiser can and they never want to grow up and the rules don't apply to them 😊(ex may have biased me a tad)
I believe there is always hope that modalities can one day present and offer change. Because everything is energy. And emotions & thought patterns are an energy. They are stuck in a negative rhythm and low vibrational energetic state. How can we raise the levels of consciousness? Worth exploring.
Good luck.
Narcissists are emotionally immature. If you are emotionally immature you are not necessarily a Narcissist.
personal experience .NO.
My mother was a narcissist when i was 6 years my father divorced her and he took me away from my mother and he cared for me.
Yes, anyone can change. The question is what does it take to truly change someone? The answer is the grace and mercy of the Lord Jesus Christ. Only a truly repentant heart, baptized with the Holy Spirit, can be born again and clothed in the righteousness of Christ Jesus. Truly I tell you, if you harbor any resentment, bitterness, or an unforgiving spirit towards the narcissist in your life, you are in no better position than they are before the Lord. For if He would forgive you of all the wickedness that toils in your heart, how much more should you forgive another who's heart is afflicted with greater wickedness than yours?
"Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice." - Ephesians 4:31
"I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you. And I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh." - Ezekiel 36:26
With help yes, anyone can learn cognitive empathy and use imagination, but I don’t meet many who want to
Hello Richard, thanks again for another livestream. You have great humor and I enjoy listening to you the things you share with us.
I have a request though and that is to turn off comment restrictions in UA-cam studio. Many times YT deletes comments because of their narrow minded AI generated algoritm.
I think the restrictions are just for swearing - the problem is sometimes people jump on and start trolling the chat
@@RICHARDGRANNON from personal experience I can tell that it is not restricted to swearing alone. The YT-filter has become narrower over time. I myself have turned off restrictions on my vids so I can decide for myself which one are acceptable and take action seeing it from a human perspective instead of artificial intelligence.
@@RICHARDGRANNON half of my comments I post here are being deleted and I'm not swearing or anything like that. Why?
I have learned a fast way tp see of you even have a chance to have a healthy relation of any kimd with anybody all is to observe how the other person reacts when you switch your focus of admiration. Just by being prpud of your self and making you the focus more then ypu usally do only brings out a very ugly side in a person that needs to fake intrest in someone or something. We all have bad days but when we care about something it makes us feel good to think about that. If it doesnt there probably is something in that we dont wont to accept. But you cant fake it 😍 The rulles seems to go both ways 😎❤
Come to Me all you who labor and are heavy laden and I will give you rest.
Matthew 11:28
Jesus is the answer.
Exactly God forbid you see their phone 😂 thats never going to happen
Spoiling is a PERNICIOUS form of abuse that i think is closely intertwined with emotional incest.
My father is a sadist who exhibits all npd observable behaviors.
When i got diagnosed w stage 4 cancer he suddenly did a 180 and showed up acting out the part of the parent he never was. I didn't trust it. I kept him at arm's length. People around me were so ready to believe he had changed. I knew better. The mask slipped. I was right. It was all an act. Somewhere in his fevered imagination he had planned to use me to take care of him in his old age. Now that's not a resource he can count on. He panicked.
After the war trauma NPD would switch to mortfied, depressed quiet version.
Daim, RiGrannon going hard tonight
Simple answer is no.
I have 5 of them in my life, all close family - I go grey rock and as little contact as I can get away with, some of their behaviour is NUTS.
….
their Tactics
yeah.
@35:20 Why?? Why aren't people understanding this?
I am not doing such a thing, I am just not like that, ergo, it is hurtful for me to see and/or realize that my narcissistic partner has no problem liking other girls photos on social media.
Coming from a conservative culture and having a narcissist boyfriend or partner just won't pan out. Knowing they will never cease to like other girls pictures is just downright distasteful and disturbing. Morally corrupt. 😢 sad but true.
Your way better off without them omg
Hell NO
“You would only bother to watch this if you’ve been through a narcissistically abusive relationship”
FWIW, I watch because I have close family isolated in those types of relationships. Still trying to find a way to support them.
NO, and NOOOOO!!!!
Hi, I've never reached out to anyone before, but I came across one of your UA-cam shorts and thought screw it, nothing to lose so here it goes.
I'm a 30 year old woman, been in a relationship for 13 years and only now trying to get out of it as it has been a toxic one for all the years. My partner is an abusive narcissist but doesn't know it and is trying to fix himself but its not working. My only question is how do I leave and leave on amicable terms?
Thank you, your advice is most appreciated.🙏
You don’t worry about being on amicable terms. I left a 20 year marriage with 4 kids and hoped for amicable but realized that I was trying to control the situation by being “nice”. You take care of yourself and let others have their temper tantrums.
@ericamoore8706
Thank you Erica, that was the boos I needed, it's been a toxic environment and I think I've just mentally burnt out. Need to escape from it or I fear what may happen if I don't.
Thank you for the encouraging advice, I appreciate it so much!🙏😊
The problem is when you have told them 5+ ties to not eat the vanilla ice cream, but when you finally decide to leave the ice cream shop, then they want to come back and offer you any ice cream, candy, and treat you have ever wanted to keep you eat up their BS.. they seem to be changing but the same insecurities come out of them like the reverse accusations of the victim entertaining other flavors and getting upset that you don't want them and may even consider other flavors besides theirs.. how do we know when to just say FXXK IT??
In response to Annie Brunet,"what do they do if you get them arrested?" My ex has been playing the long game; police decided to charge him with assault and strangulation when the officer showed up to do a health check last July 29th and she could tell looking at my neck that he was left-handed. He got a lawyer finally a month and a half ago, (our 3 daughters were all home at the time so mcfd sees me as the only fit parent) he'd been paying the rent even though his restraining order prohibits him from being within 100 meters of the property until part way through April. Landlord said no to putting me on the lease and paying the money owing and I have yet to find another place to rent for me and the kids and 2 cats and it seems like he might be getting the landlord to evict me so he can get back in "his house". 🙃🤔 Doesn't care about the kids, even, just that he gets what he wants and is sure he deserves.
Not "changed" Reborn is the word. And yes, it's possible, the new person will be nothing like the NPD persona
Not change, transform, to be reborn. Yes its possible but it takes 10 years of intense therapy or more and pain for decades for the patient
Never 😅😂🙂
You’d be great at Amateur Dramatics
NO - there you go :)
Could you change your own personality
My takeaway from this discussion: there was simply too much poo.
hi, how dose a Sociopath recovery so they can love?
I should go to Britain 🇬🇧 the men are hotter than American.😉😘😉🔥🔥🔥. My dad and his mom was British. I would love ❤️ nothing more than go on a tour learn my history. I really should. Your the greatest Richard. Love ❤️ love 💕 love ❤️ your name your mother did well.
Im not sure if he has NPD or if this is just learnt behaviour.
Cognitive dissonance is too hard to heal from.
Kognitive dissonanz. Thats the expression for all the insane they cause.
Vaniller ice cream 😛