After 14 years being drug around this horrific mountain with him I found his tinder account. The Lord finally released me, and I am elated. I did everything I could, but he is going to go the rest of his journey without me. I'm so grateful to be done. Once trust is gone - it's gone.
Own your faults and mistakes unfaithful spouses! If you do, grace and mercy will have a chance to flow your way. If not, it will just be pain, misery, and chaos and death. Consider their personal emotional cost as they consider reconciliation and pay them back with total ownership and repentance or suffer the consequences.
How do we get them to stop trying to heal us. Mine doesn't do his work, work through his past, follow through on things he needs to do daily. He is always looking at and asking for stuff to heal me. I am healed enough to move on. He doesn't understand he is losing me because he is not healing himself.
if they are resistant to getting expert, outside help, there's only so much you can do. there comes a time you have to ask yourself if it's worth it to keep going with them. sometimes, it's necessary to utilize an ultimatum to get them to do serious, outside work. these two articles may help: www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founders/how-to-get-your-mate-to-cooperate-after-infidelity www.affairrecovery.com/survivors/samuel/they-get-say-no-life-going-change
Ive done all i could, I keep on praying for my spouse. She ends up blaming me for her for losing her career and all the bad things that has happened due to consequences of her action. I keep on praying for her healing, humility and God’s grace.
I am so sorry for what you are living through. My wife had an affair over 4 decades ago and also didn't want to discuss with me what and why it happened. But she finally went to couples counseling, and while it wasn't helpful for either of us, she finally was willing to invest the time in Affair Recovery's Boot Camp. She was transformed by this and we have had a significant breakthrough and will soon be attending EMS weekend I will pray for a change in her attitude, because her affair wasn't your fault.
That means she is not safe for you emotionally and if she can not admit she did any wrong you have to protect yourself and heart and physical health. It is not your fault that she cheated it was and will never your fault. Their is no reason to ever cheat.
I was told the same thing from my husband. "If you hadn't been such an ice queen". It STILL messes with me as well. Unfortunately, when you are treated like a sex doll, you turn off that part of want for him. He was diagnosed with Bipolar 2 w hypersexuality and Borderline. Spend 30 days in rehab for drugs and alcohol. After therapy, he said "I was just angry at myself and lashing out at you". I don't think they can even fathom the damage another sick person can do to another human being. Hugs.
Thank you. If only my narc husband would have this epiphany. It's what I've been praying, hoping, and waiting for. But, he won't. He won't even bother to watch these videos. Instead, he's a cruel, heartless, and callous demon who refuses to accept any responsibility or follow through on anything he's promised me he would do. In the meantime, I'm stuck because I'm tethered and unable to escape this hell, despite all my countless efforts to get out. Lord, please do something! If it's not Your Will, or your son is unrepairable because of his own selfish choices, then please give me a way out. Today. Please!! I've been crying out to you for over 11 years. I can't stand the pain a n y m o r e. Please don't forsake me Lord! If this is going to be my life, I don't want to live.
Kat Im so sorry. I can relate to your pain and can only imagine 11 years . I've prayed the same things and wrestle with the same thoughts the last 4 years. My therapist told me that because of the trauma we've experienced, we are now processing everything in life through the hurt version of ourselves leaving us unable to live. Buts thats not Kat or Nick. Im not a dead, negative angry depressed person. Thats not who God says we are. I have 2 little children and am always alone with them. The enemy is trying to destroy us all and rob us of life. "what can man do to me?" " When I am afraid, I will trust in you." This valley/cross is meant to change us for the good, making us more like Christ...even though all around looks and feels like hell. It helps me when I reflect on what Jesus did for us: He was perfect, yet rejected and torn to shreds by his own. Yet, he still chose to allow himself to be annihilated and die... so that I might live. If we only believed that His grace is real and enough and that the greatest blessing on earth is that we are saved. Its greater than our temporary life on this evil planet.
I have struggled since I was a teen with porn addiction. For some reason my wife has stayed with me for 30 years. This last disclosure/blowup made a change in me. I hope I am repairable. I believe I am repairable. I am done hurting her.
Get help from an accountability coach or group, get back to God if you have have fallen away, find a counselor. Own responsibility and find a way to fix yourself. God bless and it's hard, I know. Lookup porn addiction counseling - it exists, but I didn't know, or maybe didn't want to know!
Thankyou Sam😥💛 Aaaargh Sam....the 'ol " Progress not perfection" statement has been SO used as an excuse to lax off.......frustrating statement for a betrayed. With consistency should be used in that statement to drive that statement....will full force.
thank you. however, it sounds like the quote itself is not the problem or the issue but the heart behind him using the quote to excuse his laziness and apathy.
I just wanna say I appreciate your videos. Speaking as the unfaithful these have been very helpful for giving me some guidance. My and my Betrayed are in the early recovery stage after 10 years married and im pleading that if I put in the work and show that I can be a better man that she will bless me with another 50 years of being my wife.
Im a Sex Addict, Finally got a Sponsor and working on Step 1 ...*clap* NO! You are so correct Sam on what Little I have accomplished, its only a small step in consisity(ms). I need to keep showing progress each day, no matter what. That is what shows after a time, is Steady progress. Getting help, (Meetings, Medical help, AR site, working the steps and etc) and after a time, it will show.
Im wrestling with expoosing an affair. Ive confronted the unfaithful and ive been met with all the "tactics " all the "minimalism " everything. Yes i could have been more graceful. Her words. She is getting counseling with her husband on pre affaur issus. Thinking that her current affair is irrelevant. Shes thinking that counseling will fix her husband and then shes gonna tell him "this is how close you came to losing me." I said, youre in love with this person. Close you say? Youve already cheated. Its not "close." You get physically ill when you cant be with him. And to my fault, yes ive mocked and belittled her ap. I just hate that guy. I just wanna fifure out if i should tell her husband? Im thinking of leaving a simple note. Your wife is NOT friends with so and so.
What do I do if my D-day anniversary is also the same as my actual wedding anniversary??? I am about to "celebrate" 22 years of marriage but it's also the first anniversary of me finding out he was unfaithful to me. We went away on this great 4 day "recommitment" getaway last year for our anniversary and I thought everything was great until my world came crashing down through the discovery that he had been unfaithful. Now my wedding anniversary will forever be tied to me finding out he cheated and I'm about to lose my mind because I don't know how to handle it!!!!! HELP!!!!!
It will be incredibly difficult I can't imagine what that must feel like. If you and your partner are still working on reconciliation, be open and honest. Talk about it openly. Also, therapy is always a good option to help you navigate those treacherous waters. Be sure you find a good therapist though because they're also human and can give not so helpful advice. Find someone who deals specifically with infidelity.
What if the betrayed is the narc? Puts out insults and leaves and abandons me at home? I’ve been In a place to get help and do the work, claimed my sin against him each time it comes with when he is triggered or upset or in a mood, owning my faults, working on unearthing my personal trauma in therapy which contributed to me to make the mistake in the first place I learned. Having Lack of self confidence and worth contributed as well and working to heal those things along the journey as well… now I feeling often disrespect, invalidation, a lot of gas lighting, belittled and I take it I take it I understand why because I did what I did contributed to his trauma cause him hurt, but I don’t hear how do I hang in for the healing when this is happening? I feel smaller and smaller and unheard in the marriage in every area. I came from place in past of feeling like I had no voice because of verbal abuse and some physical but sucked it up because of military duty and staying committed to my partner then… Doesn’t Forgiveness work take two? Although our roles in the process are different we each have a part in the forgiveness I was taught…. My prayer has been for God help me to see myself the way He does. Can the betrayed be unsafe too? I love the Lord and I’ve repented as well and I show up daily for whatever is to come and face it. But just feel like I’m losing along the and ptsd, depressed mood and anxiety knocking on my door get me too. 😔 I know what I did. What happens when you’re holding it all together and the family physically and financially working on yourself coming here to get tools, praying having the tough conversations but you don’t feel you have support and your starting to buckled under the pressure from of all the things?
Danni hang in there, yes both spouses can be unsafe. It's more justified from a worldly point of view for the betrayed to be angry and belt it out at us in revenge, but even in a Christian marriage, we have to just buckle down and take it for a little while as they let it all out and process it. As we own it, and they see it, hopefully they will let it go and start the healing process and give us forgiveness, which will be an incremental process. Any excuses or blame shifting/blocking we do will just prolong the process. All we can do is learn to leave the shame, guilt, and anxiety to God, and ask Him to forgive us. Then, we have to release it to Him and stop dwelling on it. Even if our spouses did things that demotivated us and we buried ourselves in addiction(like me) or affairs, it's still our fault ultimately. The quicker we own it, the quicker they can begin to give us forgiveness/reconciliation. Give him unconditional respect, let God fill you up with love to spare for his acting out, and let God work. If I had given my wife unconditional love for her faults, I could have let God work on her/us, and I would have had enough love to cover us both. Then, we wouldn't be separated because of the resentment I held against her which finally drove her away. We have to own our betrayal, then later on deal with the rest of the marriage issues.
hi there. yes, the betrayed can be unsafe as well. it's vital you both are able to get the help you need from a safe place with safe people. it sounds like your betrayed is having a trauma response and doesn't know how to deal with it or how it's affecting both themselves and you. i'm so sorry. i would make sure you get the help you need for you and your own healing my friend. it's vital you take steps to heal yourself so you can do your best to not be constantly retraumatized by your betrayed's actions. would they get help with you at all from us?
Is there a false sense of achievement in individual counseling? My WW is quite celebratory about the progress she's made, but I'm sceptical because this progress has yet to be stress tested and confirmed. In my mind, she's dug away at some of the surface level and feels relief, but there's some deeper things she hasn't explored properly yet and I feel it's too soon to be celebrating
it's tough to say. there can be yes...but also, sometimes people are really proud of themselves for the work they are doing and the healing they've experienced. are you both doing any work together?
@@samshealingpodcast We are, we're in marriage counseling and she's in individual counseling. When we discuss things, shell often say that I USED to think or believe this way, but I don't anymore. It's been about a year in therapy - is that too quickly to permanently change these lifelong faulty belief systems or is she undermining how tough change is?
My husband cheated on me started 4 almost 5 months ago. His home and told me his not going to reach out to her anymore. His in a bad mood and doesn’t want help. He was a strong Christian till this happened now he fall away from God and Jesus. He doesn’t want to talk to anyone about this situation. What does it mean? Is he a narcissist or it just too early. Right now he doesn’t want to save our marriage.
My cousin labeled my ex-husband as narcissistic when I discovered his affair that I think went on for years . He said he would make no apologies because he was the aggrieved partner , because I had taken him for granted . I felt awful , like I was too dense to notice . He refused counseling, etc . He filled a bogus PFA .
After 14 years being drug around this horrific mountain with him I found his tinder account. The Lord finally released me, and I am elated. I did everything I could, but he is going to go the rest of his journey without me. I'm so grateful to be done. Once trust is gone - it's gone.
WE PRAY...AMEN🙏🏼
Good for you!
Own your faults and mistakes unfaithful spouses! If you do, grace and mercy will have a chance to flow your way. If not, it will just be pain, misery, and chaos and death. Consider their personal emotional cost as they consider reconciliation and pay them back with total ownership and repentance or suffer the consequences.
How do we get them to stop trying to heal us. Mine doesn't do his work, work through his past, follow through on things he needs to do daily. He is always looking at and asking for stuff to heal me. I am healed enough to move on. He doesn't understand he is losing me because he is not healing himself.
if they are resistant to getting expert, outside help, there's only so much you can do. there comes a time you have to ask yourself if it's worth it to keep going with them. sometimes, it's necessary to utilize an ultimatum to get them to do serious, outside work. these two articles may help: www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founders/how-to-get-your-mate-to-cooperate-after-infidelity www.affairrecovery.com/survivors/samuel/they-get-say-no-life-going-change
Ive done all i could, I keep on praying for my spouse.
She ends up blaming me for her for losing her career and all the bad things that has happened due to consequences of her action.
I keep on praying for her healing, humility and God’s grace.
She won't change. She acts as if she's done no wrong. She actually told me its my fault for her cheating. That still messes with my mind
So sorry. That is what hurts the most. No remorse whatsoever
I am so sorry for what you are living through. My wife had an affair over 4 decades ago and also didn't want to discuss with me what and why it happened. But she finally went to couples counseling, and while it wasn't helpful for either of us, she finally was willing to invest the time in Affair Recovery's Boot Camp. She was transformed by this and we have had a significant breakthrough and will soon be attending EMS weekend
I will pray for a change in her attitude, because her affair wasn't your fault.
Yep
That means she is not safe for you emotionally and if she can not admit she did any wrong you have to protect yourself and heart and physical health. It is not your fault that she cheated it was and will never your fault. Their is no reason to ever cheat.
I was told the same thing from my husband. "If you hadn't been such an ice queen". It STILL messes with me as well. Unfortunately, when you are treated like a sex doll, you turn off that part of want for him. He was diagnosed with Bipolar 2 w hypersexuality and Borderline. Spend 30 days in rehab for drugs and alcohol. After therapy, he said "I was just angry at myself and lashing out at you". I don't think they can even fathom the damage another sick person can do to another human being. Hugs.
Thank you. If only my narc husband would have this epiphany. It's what I've been praying, hoping, and waiting for. But, he won't. He won't even bother to watch these videos. Instead, he's a cruel, heartless, and callous demon who refuses to accept any responsibility or follow through on anything he's promised me he would do. In the meantime, I'm stuck because I'm tethered and unable to escape this hell, despite all my countless efforts to get out. Lord, please do something! If it's not Your Will, or your son is unrepairable because of his own selfish choices, then please give me a way out. Today. Please!! I've been crying out to you for over 11 years. I can't stand the pain a n y m o r e. Please don't forsake me Lord! If this is going to be my life, I don't want to live.
Kat Im so sorry. I can relate to your pain and can only imagine 11 years . I've prayed the same things and wrestle with the same thoughts the last 4 years. My therapist told me that because of the trauma we've experienced, we are now processing everything in life through the hurt version of ourselves leaving us unable to live. Buts thats not Kat or Nick. Im not a dead, negative angry depressed person. Thats not who God says we are. I have 2 little children and am always alone with them. The enemy is trying to destroy us all and rob us of life. "what can man do to me?" " When I am afraid, I will trust in you." This valley/cross is meant to change us for the good, making us more like Christ...even though all around looks and feels like hell. It helps me when I reflect on what Jesus did for us: He was perfect, yet rejected and torn to shreds by his own. Yet, he still chose to allow himself to be annihilated and die... so that I might live. If we only believed that His grace is real and enough and that the greatest blessing on earth is that we are saved. Its greater than our temporary life on this evil planet.
I have struggled since I was a teen with porn addiction. For some reason my wife has stayed with me for 30 years. This last disclosure/blowup made a change in me. I hope I am repairable. I believe I am repairable. I am done hurting her.
❤
Get help from an accountability coach or group, get back to God if you have have fallen away, find a counselor. Own responsibility and find a way to fix yourself. God bless and it's hard, I know. Lookup porn addiction counseling - it exists, but I didn't know, or maybe didn't want to know!
if you WANT to heal and will do WHATEVER IT TAKES you can absolutely heal my friend.
I wish you the best!! May God give you strength to fight this addiction.
Thankyou Sam😥💛 Aaaargh Sam....the 'ol " Progress not perfection" statement has been SO used as an excuse to lax off.......frustrating statement for a betrayed. With consistency should be used in that statement to drive that statement....will full force.
thank you. however, it sounds like the quote itself is not the problem or the issue but the heart behind him using the quote to excuse his laziness and apathy.
💔been waiting 5+ years , Now I know what her problem is, I gotta go
😥
I'm so sorry to hear that 💔
I waited 47 years, miracles can happen
I just wanna say I appreciate your videos. Speaking as the unfaithful these have been very helpful for giving me some guidance. My and my Betrayed are in the early recovery stage after 10 years married and im pleading that if I put in the work and show that I can be a better man that she will bless me with another 50 years of being my wife.
Im a Sex Addict, Finally got a Sponsor and working on Step 1 ...*clap* NO! You are so correct Sam on what Little I have accomplished, its only a small step in consisity(ms). I need to keep showing progress each day, no matter what. That is what shows after a time, is Steady progress. Getting help, (Meetings, Medical help, AR site, working the steps and etc) and after a time, it will show.
you are correct my friend. proud of you.
10:10 “Yayyyy.” 😆😆 thanks. I needed that.
This is so spot on.
thanks so much
Im wrestling with expoosing an affair. Ive confronted the unfaithful and ive been met with all the "tactics " all the "minimalism " everything. Yes i could have been more graceful. Her words. She is getting counseling with her husband on pre affaur issus. Thinking that her current affair is irrelevant. Shes thinking that counseling will fix her husband and then shes gonna tell him "this is how close you came to losing me." I said, youre in love with this person. Close you say? Youve already cheated. Its not "close." You get physically ill when you cant be with him. And to my fault, yes ive mocked and belittled her ap. I just hate that guy. I just wanna fifure out if i should tell her husband? Im thinking of leaving a simple note. Your wife is NOT friends with so and so.
What do I do if my D-day anniversary is also the same as my actual wedding anniversary??? I am about to "celebrate" 22 years of marriage but it's also the first anniversary of me finding out he was unfaithful to me. We went away on this great 4 day "recommitment" getaway last year for our anniversary and I thought everything was great until my world came crashing down through the discovery that he had been unfaithful. Now my wedding anniversary will forever be tied to me finding out he cheated and I'm about to lose my mind because I don't know how to handle it!!!!! HELP!!!!!
Read Enough Is Enough by Dr. David Clarke.
It will be incredibly difficult I can't imagine what that must feel like. If you and your partner are still working on reconciliation, be open and honest. Talk about it openly. Also, therapy is always a good option to help you navigate those treacherous waters. Be sure you find a good therapist though because they're also human and can give not so helpful advice. Find someone who deals specifically with infidelity.
Wow I'm in the exact same boat. I am worried about our next anniversary. It's also during the holidays and around one of children's birthday...
What if the betrayed is the narc? Puts out insults and leaves and abandons me at home? I’ve been In a place to get help and do the work, claimed my sin against him each time it comes with when he is triggered or upset or in a mood, owning my faults, working on unearthing my personal trauma in therapy which contributed to me to make the mistake in the first place I learned. Having Lack of self confidence and worth contributed as well and working to heal those things along the journey as well… now I feeling often disrespect, invalidation, a lot of gas lighting, belittled and I take it I take it I understand why because I did what I did contributed to his trauma cause him hurt, but I don’t hear how do I hang in for the healing when this is happening? I feel smaller and smaller and unheard in the marriage in every area. I came from place in past of feeling like I had no voice because of verbal abuse and some physical but sucked it up because of military duty and staying committed to my partner then…
Doesn’t Forgiveness work take two? Although our roles in the process are different we each have a part in the forgiveness I was taught…. My prayer has been for God help me to see myself the way He does.
Can the betrayed be unsafe too?
I love the Lord and I’ve repented as well and I show up daily for whatever is to come and face it. But just feel like I’m losing along the and ptsd, depressed mood and anxiety knocking on my door get me too. 😔 I know what I did. What happens when you’re holding it all together and the family physically and financially working on yourself coming here to get tools, praying having the tough conversations but you don’t feel you have support and your starting to buckled under the pressure from of all the things?
Danni hang in there, yes both spouses can be unsafe. It's more justified from a worldly point of view for the betrayed to be angry and belt it out at us in revenge, but even in a Christian marriage, we have to just buckle down and take it for a little while as they let it all out and process it. As we own it, and they see it, hopefully they will let it go and start the healing process and give us forgiveness, which will be an incremental process.
Any excuses or blame shifting/blocking we do will just prolong the process. All we can do is learn to leave the shame, guilt, and anxiety to God, and ask Him to forgive us. Then, we have to release it to Him and stop dwelling on it. Even if our spouses did things that demotivated us and we buried ourselves in addiction(like me) or affairs, it's still our fault ultimately. The quicker we own it, the quicker they can begin to give us forgiveness/reconciliation.
Give him unconditional respect, let God fill you up with love to spare for his acting out, and let God work. If I had given my wife unconditional love for her faults, I could have let God work on her/us, and I would have had enough love to cover us both. Then, we wouldn't be separated because of the resentment I held against her which finally drove her away. We have to own our betrayal, then later on deal with the rest of the marriage issues.
hi there. yes, the betrayed can be unsafe as well. it's vital you both are able to get the help you need from a safe place with safe people. it sounds like your betrayed is having a trauma response and doesn't know how to deal with it or how it's affecting both themselves and you. i'm so sorry. i would make sure you get the help you need for you and your own healing my friend. it's vital you take steps to heal yourself so you can do your best to not be constantly retraumatized by your betrayed's actions. would they get help with you at all from us?
Hello. I did something terrible years ago and I regret it everyday. Please help me...
Is there a false sense of achievement in individual counseling? My WW is quite celebratory about the progress she's made, but I'm sceptical because this progress has yet to be stress tested and confirmed. In my mind, she's dug away at some of the surface level and feels relief, but there's some deeper things she hasn't explored properly yet and I feel it's too soon to be celebrating
it's tough to say. there can be yes...but also, sometimes people are really proud of themselves for the work they are doing and the healing they've experienced. are you both doing any work together?
@@samshealingpodcast We are, we're in marriage counseling and she's in individual counseling. When we discuss things, shell often say that I USED to think or believe this way, but I don't anymore. It's been about a year in therapy - is that too quickly to permanently change these lifelong faulty belief systems or is she undermining how tough change is?
direction sounds completely like influence
take and receive direction isn't much different than taking or receiving influence. as long as it's from expert sources.
Bigger, angrier, scarier, louder, disconnected-Obviously, no want or need to *repair or heal.
My husband cheated on me started 4 almost 5 months ago. His home and told me his not going to reach out to her anymore. His in a bad mood and doesn’t want help. He was a strong Christian till this happened now he fall away from God and Jesus. He doesn’t want to talk to anyone about this situation. What does it mean? Is he a narcissist or it just too early. Right now he doesn’t want to save our marriage.
Love you Rick 😭⚡️♥️⚡️🙏🏼
How can I get one on one conversation with you?
you can email the site at info@hope-now.com and ask them to send it to me.
My cousin labeled my ex-husband as narcissistic when I discovered his affair that I think went on for years . He said he would make no apologies because he was the aggrieved partner , because I had taken him for granted . I felt awful , like I was too dense to notice . He refused counseling, etc . He filled a bogus PFA .
i'm so sorry.
It was for me.
💜💜💜💜💜