Why couldn’t I have a normal childhood?.. [a traumacore/vent playlist]
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- Опубліковано 18 січ 2023
- I do not own any of these audios!! If I remember who they belong too I’ll @ them in the comments! Enjoy 💕 feel free to vent in the comments too lovelies
![[Traumacore comfort playlist] Agere-friendly music](/img/n.gif)
"the first to betray was a god, my creator, my mother"
"The sad thing about betrayal is that it never comes from your enemy"
"They didnt even say sorry"
Real
Ah, I see the Genshin refrence there. I see you are a person of culture aswell. But fr, are you okay? Do you need some virtual hugs or cookies? Here, have some, friend: 🍪🍪
My mom. She lied to me. Shes a *sick* person.
@@jellybeanwolf24what she do
Sorry
Gotta “Love” being introduced to the internet at a young age🫠
Yeah...
praying for those who’ve been affected by the actions of others. i hope you will find/have found a person who will treat you as you deserve to be. ♡
♡thank you so much♡
Still searching but I won't give up!
this is pretty late put thank you so much.. it actually means a lot stranger
Thank you :)
Thank you
i don't have any childhood trauma, i'm just here to comfort myself from all those tiring days, and i hope everyone here is ok, please stay safe!
Same
i’m only now realising how much wasn’t okay
this reminds me of when i was a kid, being forced to grow up and not even being able to cry. explains why i cry alot now-
When you go through some things I think you have a right to act like a child whenever you want
same
*wipes your tears* there there
i feel you, please take care 🤍
This playlist reminds me a lot of when I was happy and when I had the innocence of a little child... just before my own mother ruined everything
Same
im so sorry man.. i dont wanna vent to you i just wanna say you deserve better
This is so relatable
Same man, hope you’re ok now
So fucking real.
Run rabbit run made me burst out crying because I imagined a comfort character of mine singing it to me
aw :(
Vent… TW
When I was little I was never really able to cry to express my feelings without being yelled at. I use to get spanked for crying and stuff. I started holding in my feelings and bottling them up. I have done that ever since a young age. When I got older something bad happened to me. My moms side of the family got into a bad argument. My aunt has Bpd and mental illness runs in the family. I was in the room when it happened. My aunt started calling me names and stuff like “crybaby” and “a big baby” my older cousin took me outside, but we could still hear it from outside. I just bottled all my tears in. The police got in involved and it was terrifying. My aunt since then has yelled at us a few times ever since then. My older cousin has also tried to take pictures of me naked before. (Not the one that took me outside during the argument) ever since then I have had flashbacks and stuff.. I have been in a mental hospital 4 times recently and have been diagnosed with autism, adhd, depression, and anxiety. I have also been struggling with sh. I am trying my best to get better!
Trying your best is all you can do i know its hard but you can do it I promise and im so proud of you for waking up in the morning even if you do nothing else just waking up and getting out of bed is amazing keep going you can do it
accidentally pressed this thinking it was a documentary, now it will be forever in my playlist
Uh, how?
I was brought to life
To be consumed by others
Many thoughts in my head
Do not go well with my life
I was normal, I was fine.
A perfect little kid
Until grief struck my life
When I was just 5
My father grieved
My mother was cold
I couldn't feel emotions
Should I be feeling this way?
Consumed by grief and work
Father went to work for money
Said it was for my future
So I'd have good view of life
Now here I am
Cuts on my wrists
Tears left amidst the floor
The blood doesn't flow down my hands
Yet left a mark
Forever for me to remember
I'm 13 in a fucked up society
And this is the dream I'm living in.
I hope you can find comfort in these times of pain and dread. There can still be good people in this world even if it’s a random stranger on the internet (I’m 13 myself) and I hope you can find the peace you rightfully deserve ❤
I saw other people sharing their stories so I am going to share my story
When I was growing up my dad was never around, and my mum was always asleep and my older brother who is 4 years older than me always took care of me. My mum would never drive me to kindergarten and the only time I got attention from mum was when I did things wrong, so I would hurt other kids in kindergarten so my mum would talk to me. We almost never ate cooked dinner, and some days I'd just eat so little that I'd fall asleep starving.
My older brother had a friend who would touch me, and he once said he wanted to do something new with me and something fun, back then I used to have a crush on him, he took me to my bedroom and that day I was raped.
One day my dad came and took us from mum, I don't remember much then, but he had a girlfriend back then who worked in the kindergarten, and in kindergarten then, the only times I'd feel better if I was with my old best friend. I was also taken to a small house by the kindergarten where I would talk to teachers about how I felt because I was much different from the other kids.
I started trusting people when I was in 1st grade again, I made good friends, I had a friend who was really nice to me. But I always got bullied by her friend so I stopped being friends with her. I was bullied through 1st grade til 3rd grade. I started being angry again, I always felt so angry, but I never took it out on someone.
When I was in 4th grade I was told what was wrong with my mum and dad. My mum was a drug addict and my dad was a drug addict too, and I lived with my grandparents.
I've went through hard times, when I was 9 years old I figured out I was trans.
Now I'm 14 years old, I'm still going through hard times, I still have to live with things that had happened to me, I'm on medication. Its true what everyone says, it'll all get better soon. Even though you would feel bad for years, for me it was since I was 4 years old til I was 13, and still now, there's still someone out there for you.
You're not alone, its okay to ask for help.
@@slayhorse614 I just saw your message.. I hope you're okay, I hope that you have/can talk to someone about it. Its never your fault that someone abused you like that
I’m so sorry that you had to go through this especially at such a young age, I really do hope you can continue to grow and heal over time. And it makes me a little happier to know you are getting the help you deserve, I hope your future is a lot better.
I am so sorry all of that happened to you. I hope where you ended up now is what you need and deserve.
how tf did you know you were trans at 9!?
@@katelynn20028 often a lot of children can start finding there own identity at the age of 4 years old. Such as what they like, what they don’t, and how they express themselves. So for someone to know that they are trans at the age of nine wouldn’t be so far fetched. But I can do some more research on it if you’d like
A little vent from me.
All my childhood is summed up in one word: Violence. That was the only thing going on between my parents, it's terrifying for a kid who
just couldn't do anything but cry and beg them to stop. Even getting to see my mother with her face covered in blood from my father's blows, I was about 9/10 years old at the time. Not only that, I suffered from bullying at school and a family member sexually abused me several times when I was 4 years old. Innocently I told my mother, from that moment I never saw him again.
Returning to the subject of my parents, they separated when I was 11 years old. I am currently 16 and everything was better for me.
Im so sorry what you had to go throught :( You're so strong, Im proud of you and im glad that you're still here
stop trauma dumping
@@c4rrot.cake13don’t tell them what to do
@@thejbo777 i wasnt talking to u :)
@@c4rrot.cake13 idgaf
Timestamps!!
Sorry, there was a few I didn't know... :(
0:00 ,, Rises The Moon (Piano)
1:31 ,, ???
3:24 ,, Baby Hotline
8:59 ,, Treehouse
12:15 ,, ???
13:22 ,, Run Rabbit Run
16:48 ,, Not Allowed
Hello! To all of you trauma survivors (I am also a trauma survivor..(???)), it's going to be okay, I promise. You're doing great. You're amazing and important people and you are loved and if you need to vent/rant, I'm always open to listen.. I am honestly terrible at comforting but I will try my best to listen and be here for you!! :,)
Also, please, keep in mind traumacore is NOT an aesthetic, it's a coping mechanism.
Also, great playlist! Def needs more views!!
I love you all!! ❤️
Hey!! I believe the 2nd one is "It's all in your head" by dandelion hands!
i think 12:15 is once upon a dream
I need to know the song at 12:15 or I will literally cry omg
@@Thinktivity once upon a dream piano version
12:15 Once Upon a Dream (Music Box version)
A little vent, trauma, i guess??
When i was starting off middle school, and since i had unsupvised internet, things were kinda rough for me down the line. I developed an eating disorder, and would starve myself for days on end. My mom took me to a professinal to get me in an outpaitent program, but i ended up in residental. I was fine with it, as I was prepared for what was going to happen. I met a lot of great people there, and i did my suplements, but then I just stopped eating. I was so close to get a tube, but I didn't want one, so i started doing supplements again, and started doing food. I gained more weight, I felt gulitly, but I felt better having food inside of me.I spent 3 months in residental, and went to PHP (outpaitent) for a month, then left. Now I am at home, and much happier than what i was before. I'm so greatful for the help that I got.
I’m so happy to hear you were able to get the proper help you deserve! I hope you have a happy and healthy future that you deserve!
That's amazing! I'm super proud of you for getting better, even if we've never met. I haven't had to go through much traumatized stuff, so I don't fully understand the experience, but I do know that it can be hard to get through. I'm glad that you found a way to push through it all, and I'm proud of you
as someone who just got out of PHP recently too, I AM SO PROUD OF YOU FOR ACCEPTING THE HELP AND KNOWING WHAT WAS BEST FOR YOU! it's so difficult to know your limits but you kept fighting. you are so unbelievably strong. keep pushing because you've done it before :>
Vent
When I was 5 or 7 I my dad would always drink and abuse my mom and brother and I when they weren’t around he would touch me and beat me afterwards and I still remember going to school feeling disgusted and I would feel like it was my fault this went on for years until my parents divorced and my dad changed I’m glade he changed but I still can’t forgive him for what he did even though he tried to make it up to me and my brother but I just can’t I’m still scared of him and I haven’t told my mom or brother until my mom found my razor in my room I still didn’t tell her what happened or why I had a razor in my room and I always blame my cat for the cuts on my arms and legs I’m 16 now but I have nightmares of my past of what my dad did sometimes I don’t even sleep because of the nightmares I have every night and I figured out I had ptsd my boyfriend is trying to help me with my ptsd but sometimes I’m still feel like it was my fault for letting my dad touch me I know I was young and didn’t know what to do sometimes I still wish I could’ve done something to stop it before it continued
Just to let anyone know who has been SA it never your fault and im sorry you had to go through it this world is curl and you are strong enough to continue I’m proud of you for being strong enough to keep going remember it never your fault
Im so sorry that this has happened to you, you truely didn't deserve any of that treatment, and quite frankly, no one does
I hope you're doing ok now ❤
No child under any circumstance deserves to go through that,I’m so sorry that happened and I hope you find better coping mechanisms.I love you.
A small vent! I saw others sharing so I decided to follow along.
When I was younger my parents often left for work, leaving me and my siblings to stay over at my cousin’s. There, I was touched inappropriately by a close family friend. This happened for several months. I was around 9 years old and I didn’t understand much about this kind of sensual touch, I knew what it was due to my unsupervised internet access (like I previously mentioned, my parents were quite negligent when it came to the more obscene parts of my childhood) and I knew I was supposed to tell someone, but I never did.
As my mental health grew to corrode, I started to starve myself. I can’t hug myself without being disgusted so I sleep with multiple blankets at a time. The internet definitely helped, but it also made it worse. It exposed me to things I wasn’t ready to see as a child. When I became 12 I thought I’d gotten better, but it turned out I just hyper-sexualized myself. I started to do that, to sexualize my body and cover it up with lies. I felt like I was somehow evil.
As of currently, I have not reached the legal age of consent, but I am much older. I’ve reflected on my childhood days with regret but also with endearment. Not everything was bad in my eyes. Yes, I’ve come to acknowledge that I’m traumatized. I have trouble confiding with others, I can’t form relationships with simplicity anymore and I still get sick at the thought of freely consuming food.
This playlist feels safe and this comment section is beautiful. I feel very pretty here. I also feel ugly, and I don’t hate it. It’s better than masking myself with a (tw) slutty image.
I’m feeling very happy because of this playlist. I’m going to get better and I think I’m going to try to make friends. I love you all and whatever you’re going through, I know that you’ll pull through. Bye
I hope you’re finding comfort in these times of pain
i think its safe enough to vent here. i hope.
(mentions of SH, SA, psychical abuse and r8pe)
long ago when i was seven i was first and finally introduced to my mother's boyfriend's children , and back then i was a complete extrovert, happy to interact
i will not specify names, but one of those children (17M) began to gr00m me online, and even forced me to watch sexual acts that i shouldnt have seen. he then *tried* to do those sexual acts with me, and sadly succeeded in doing so. i had ran up to my room (when he finished) and cried in pain, due to how hard they did it. the next day i wanted to tell my parents but i was too afraid to. timeskip to when i am ten, i still didnt tell anyone. I ended up turning anxious around males specifically (i was scared it would happen again) and even avoided the males at a point. My parents thought i was crazy, and started throwing insults and rude comments at me if i dont get my act up together, like they'd say "Why are you acting so weird?" or "Do you wanna spend the rest of your time in a mental hospital?" or even "Are you even human??" .
MY parents pulls it off as a joke, and i hated it.
timeskip (again) to when i am twelve.
I finally told my parents about it, and they tried to help me by talking about it.
I told them repeatedly i didnt wanna talk about it, to the point where they'd beat me to tears and then bring me to the therapist, which; everytime i would stay silent and sniffling. my grades dropped and i started eating less. i wanted to hurt myself there but i was afraid of blades, so i would instead bite and tear my skin off in pained anger. I wouldnt even take care of myself, like hygiene. (taking showers, brushing my teeth or just hygiene in general)
And you know what my parents did instead of finding the right help?
They abused me, hitting, scratching, burning, punching , and kicking at me whenever i acted "weird" (that was their term for my mental actions)
I would wet my pillows and blankets with tears everytime i flashback to what happened to me.
my anxiety worsened and they would ask why i dont wanna talk to people (which was stupid)
now im fifteen, and i am still receiving the same abuse.
except, it just seems to get worser.
i keep getting bodyshamed by my parents for being skinny, and once they wanted to see my handwriting
i wrote how i normally do (which is readable and neat) but they said:
"You could have done better."
I am tired of being told that I could do better when i am already good enough
And because of these terrible parents, i have anxiety, depression, PTSD, and a eating disorder.
Even my own sibling contributes to my trauma.
(I am now fifteen, and trying to get the help i need)
(thank you for reading, you.)
I am so sorry you went through this, I'm around the same age as you and it hurts to think this had happened to you.
I'm glad you're getting the help you need ❤
Best of wishes to you.
I’m so so sorry 😞 that almost makes me cry. Please I’m sending virtual hugs and love. Please take care 🫶
womp womp cry a river bucko
Oh my god, I'm so sorry. None of that, NONE of that should've happened to you.. Stay safe, and remember that you are loved.
I'm so sorry, absolutely sickens me anyone would do such a thing and how your parents could be so dismissive I hope you heal and life a good life you deserve it ❤
Thank you world, it’s now time for me to sleep. And never wake up.
Please don't... I'm not sure if you already did but if you didn't then I'm here... If your still there, I just want to let you know that your smile is very beautiful and never forget it. Always smile and continue to shine like gold ❤
What your experiencing is not how it has to end I promise, you can still live a good, happy fun life you deserve it, whatever you went through I'm so sorry I hope your still hear and I hope you heal ❤
Story time, a little less heavy than the ones here
My dad used to hit me a lot as a kid. I don’t remember all of it but he made me bleed for crying in a prek. He told me I was too old to be crying that much at 4 years old. My mom told me that she’d choose to have my brother as her child but she wouldn’t choose me. My dad was only interested in my brother because he’s a boy. I developed an unhealthy obsession with imitating my brother which pissed them off even more. My dad didn’t talk to me much unless it was to discipline me. My mom told me to tell her whenever it happened, but obviously that didn’t do anything. My parents fought a lot. I lost hope when my dad screamed at my mom to shut up and she actually complied. I know she got hit a lot too but tried to hide it. My anxiety was so bad that I used to scratch my arms until they bled. My parents found out and I lied and said I did it for attention. My dad got pissed that I was clearly depressed and he quickly found out that you can’t beat depression and suicidal tendencies out of a child, so he began to change and be nicer. Last time he hit me was 8th grade. I’m in 12th now. Shit still sucks here but it’s not that bad. My parents relationship is shit, but better than before.
I hope you can find comfort in these times of pain. You need it. I’m sorry for what happened and I hope you find someone who supports you in your times of dread. I hope you’re having a nice day today
This is awful I hope you can heal and leave those 'parents' as soon as possible!
just gonna leave my baggage here if anyone minds. edit: additional details and re-wording.
I wouldn't, per say, say my trauma is as major as most others, and I wellfully admit that my environment growing up was _usually_ safe, and I had unregulated, unrestricted access to the internet. Good or for worse. Everything I saw through that screen impacted me.
Porn, to the gorey abuse of animals on UA-cam _(such as "Kitten Inside Of A Blender" or "Dog gets leg cut off" and "Watching axolotls regenerate!!")_
As well as like, the hatefulness and bigotry in things like comment sections and reply threads. I was "mature for my age", and I can only wonder what I would be like without the the internet's double-edged sword. Many things I enjoy i wouldn't have found without internet, but I always wonder if it was worth what I saw to find them. You decide; and remember, stay safe out there.
I can relate to that as well.
Yeah, my trauma is kind of like that too I hope you’ll get better soon. To any parent here if you are for the love of the spaghetti monster don’t give your kid the internet
i can def relate omg
I remember seeing awful things on the internet when I was younger. I was forced by my brother or dad to watch it. What you see when your younger can really effect you for the rest of your life
I can relate actually, although I wasn't affected by my loved ones, I had a perfect life, the only thing that fucked me up was the things on the internet, plus I am a very curious and nosy person, I know well that the things I see are under my control mostly yet I choose to watch even though I know its gonna scare me, it does take a while to heal from what you've seen, depending on what you have seen in the first place.
I'm 17. It still hurts..
My brother would make me watch him abuse and hurt animals. I can’t get that out of my head. I was only 12 . I’m 20 now but I still cry about it every night because I loved animals. I can’t even own a dog or a cat because of the horrible memories of what he did
Just remember, I'm proud of you for sharing your feelings some people have been forced to bottle up or have the feeling everyone hates them. That could eventually turn into self hate, remind the people you hold dear to you that you're always there if they need to talk and that it's a safe place. 💖💓
*I'm proud of you* ;)
My mom wanted me to be skinny and tried to put me on a diet twice, and then called me a pig and a hippopotamus because I walked loudly. I love this playlist, it's kind of calm, but at the same time unsettling🐢
So much about unsupervised internet access, including me too. parents, please, for the love of god, watch your kids so they don’t turn out scared and angry at the world.
I guess I’m gonna leave a vent here, I don’t really have anyone else to tell rn.
I remember my earliest memories with my mom and her second boyfriend, I thought we were doing fine and were happy. However, turns out her boyfriend at the time was doing a lot of heavy drugs. We left the first time he hit my mom. I wasn’t told this until years down the line.
We moved in with my grandma, but we were very poor, and we lived in a mild hoarders house. With rat poop all over the place. And cat and dog fluids.
I was excluded from all the other kids, I guess they just didn’t want to talk to me. Causing me to have a lot of social issues.
I remember being a very curious child, however my mom didn’t have the patience to deal with the questions, and would just shut me down. Telling me to stop asking about things. It really hurt me, because I was just curious, it caused me to stop asking about anything. I had a really hard time asking people for help, even at school, if I needed help I would just sit there panicking.
My biological father wasn’t in my life, still isn’t (but now it’s by choice)
I used to watch all the kids play with their parents at the teacher parent conference, and my mom was to busy to attend, I would often cry because I felt so alone, I felt that they didn’t really care to show even though that might not be the case it still hurt. So the teachers used to pair me with other kids and their parents but that was really awkward to me.
When I was around 5-9 years old, I started wondering where my dad was, and one time I even asked my mom, and she just started going off about how much off a piece of shit he was how he cheated on my mom, how he was a man whore and an alcoholic. As she was telling me this I was bawling my eyes out, and she kept a going.
My mom ended up getting with her now husband and I just had a weird feeling about him. Things were alright for a bit, we moved out of my grandmas place, and into another old broken down house (it was an abandoned military house, that my mom’s husband “fixed” up.) wasn’t to bad though.
After awhile things started to slowly change though, he would often make jokes on behalf of other people. And it bothered my mom. And they used to joke fight, but what jokes turned into jabs at each other. And then they started arguing.
I developed a chronic diseases at the age of 11ish. My whole right side of my jaw and collarbone would flair up, and I had a really hard time eating and doing simple tasks. It was so bad, everyday of my life after that was filled with nothing but pain and misery, it got to the point to where I hated waking up because I knew that when I got up I was going to be In pain again. My “stepdad” started to make little jokes about my Illness. And then my mom would start arguing with him. After that, after every argument they had I always found ways to blame myself for it. I felt like I destroyed my family.
My bio dad tried to enter my life, but we would always need up fighting whenever we hung out. He used to blame me for stuff, like how when he tried to spoil me to keep me with him, he told me that I was just a spoiled brat, but I hated how much money he was spending on me. I felt like such a burden wherever I went. I started having breakdowns In school, to the point where one of my teachers had enough of me and brought me to the councilors office in I think 4th or 5th grade.
After a while my mom stopped saying anything to her husband because he never changed.
So I started sticking up for everyone, telling him things that bugged us. And we would start arguing, and he would always find some sort of excuse, and if that didn’t work he would blame others.
One time all of my family had a huge argument, and he said something that hurt me a lot, he said that he didn’t believe I didn’t have a “bad life,” I guess because I wasn’t physically abused. I felt so angry, because he was there when I had chronic flare ups, I used to cry so loud begging my mom to help me, to take the pain away, every day the pain went from 1 to 100 as soon as I got up. I cried for my mom to take the pain away, and sometimes she wouldn’t come for a little under an hour, I used to think it was because she didn’t care, but now I know it was because she had to build up her strength to deal with the situation.
So when he said that I didn’t have a “bad childhood” I honestly was about to get violent with him, I didn’t though, I did start yelling at him.
It proved to me how he didn’t truly care to pay any attention to us, how he was so focused on himself he forgot about everyone else’s problems. It hurt so much. But I don’t care about him my brain just blocks him out now. We don’t talk all that much unless I need to tell him something. Even then I hate talking to him.
@@Alexia_334 I hope your doing ok
@@Pluviophile_diaphanous thank you, I am. I started going to therapy awhile ago and even got medicated. Since then the battle has been significantly reduced. I hope you are doing okay as well! Have a great day
@@Alexia_334 np! I hope you have an amazing life aswell!
@@Pluviophile_diaphanous you as well lovely stranger
I grew up getting beat by my mom, grandpa, and aunt all because I never became what they wanted me to. I would cry myself to sleep often and just want to leave home. My dad was the only one who made living there bearable since he taught me how to do stuff that I liked. I love my dad and I hope I can make him proud.
When I was little I was so... Happy, and bubbly, and sweet.... That little girl died so long ago... I miss her... She could light up the room with just a smile... I want her back... So bad... I wanna be her... I miss her I miss her I miss her!! I want my old self back so badly... I didn't do anything wrong... Please...
To those with a complicated living situation, facing verbal/physical/mental abuse. This is my story…
2 parent M&F household
3 siblings: 26M, 23M, 21F, me 19F
I remember the first time I was physically harmed was when I was 4 years old. It was for not sweeping the floor, maybe lying about where, whatever answer I gave was unsatisfactory to the point a 4 yr old child deserved to be thrown across the floor into the wall. Events like these continued to proceed throughout my life there. (I lived with reminders of these events like blood splatter, dents, scars.) Progressively getting worse until I called the suicide hotline in 7th grade. Which led to me living in a foster home for around 2 weeks, it only ended bc of a phone call from my mom, to tell me to lie to the social worker and say I did it myself-not to tell me they love me. Some of the worse events were watching my siblings and mother experience violence sitting next to me, getting knocked out of their seat, crawling on the floor begging him to stop. A lot of our bonding time was attributed to my fathers wrath, meaning we cleaned up our destroyed belongings, furniture, etc, as well as cleaned up eachothers bloody noses, scrapes, bruises, all which were common. My two brothers and mother have gotten arm and leg bones broken. Like I said after I “called the police on them” (called SuicideHotline) the violence became less frequent. I remember 16-18 it was stern discussions for the most part, other than hearing my mothers screams every weekend. The most shocking event was when my sister was staying home from college and said things to my father that offended him. He beat her to the point where she couldn’t stand, she kept falling in and out of consciousness. I was tasked with getting her ice and whatnot when she definitely needed a hospital. Then halfway through my senior year I noticed how aggressive and unreasonably mad he got at something about his bathroom. I was scared. I didn’t want what happens to my sister to happen to me. I packed my belongings while he was out. My mom caught me as I was leaving. I spent the remainder of my hs senior year at a run down home. Completely different than my you get beat if you don’t clean home. Shock. But that didn’t matter to me because I was able to sleep without fear of my life for the first time. I believe I can figure things out. I believe I will accomplish what my past self never even dreamt of. You can do it. You can survive. You are strong. Believe it.
trauma not only comes from being abused or hurt, but it can come from anywhere. i lived in a poverty home where it was just my 3 siblings, my mom, and me. are only sense of income came from my father. my mother and father had a separation. i lived in a lot of different trailers, some bad, some bug infested. my childhood was short. at 6 i knew the way me and family lived was not good. unlike most children, i was extremely behaved, quiet, and listened. i mentally matured at age 6. in 2018 my parents got back together and we moved to a small house in a actual neighborhood instead of a dangerous trailer park. income was still low. we were still poor. now in 2023 i can call my family a slightly average middle class family, even though our house is extremely small for a family of 7. we make good money now, but it was tough. still getting free lunch at school. for a long time, and still now, i have always felt and been alone. never relating to other children. maturity sucks. i want to be young, innocent, and playful again. childhood was sweet while it lasted. poverty ruined me. i'm grateful for everything now. i feel like an adult. to be a child again is all i wish.
SENSITIVE TOPICS ⚠️
I personally think I was handed a phone to young. Not only that but I lived in Mexico before coming to US and the security and privacy there was not safe at all :c !! 7-11 year old me interacted with a lot of p3d0s.. I remember them promising a sweet comforting life if I agreed to meet them and I was happy to hear that.. but they started to sexualize me and I didint know what to do, I was so confuesed :( I wish I could have exposed that..
TW:VENT (english isn’t my first language and there might be some spelling mistakes)
So, since everyone is sharing their stories and this feels like a safe place, I’ll vent too. I lived a pretty happy childhood, even though I struggled with ocd (I’ve never been diagnosed but I’m pretty sure I’ve always had it) ,was made fun of in elementary school and had non friends. These things didn’t bother me much anyway. When I turned 11 I started to hang out with some kids in the neighborhood and we became good friends, especially with this one girl, who ended up in middle school with me. Life was good, I was the happiest I’ve ever been, I was in my gacha and FNAF phase, i got good grades in school, i used to hang out every afternoon. Then the pandemic started and in my country there were Almost three months of lockdown. It didn’t bother me, I liked staying at home anyway. But when we could go out again, in the summer, everything changed for the worse. That girl, which was at the time my best friend, started hanging out without me and when I confronted her she turned the whole friend group against me. I started to hang out with a girl who just moved there and we became good friends, but because of what happened before I started to fall in a deep depression. It was already september and school started, but it wasn’t like before; most of the teachers I had the year before left and the new ones were really bad. My grades started to drop and for me, a “little miss perfect”, that was very hard to handle. In the meantime I started to realize I was bisexual and I was in love with a girl from elementary school, one of the few who didn’t bully me. But I had cut off contacts with everyone from elementary school and I was feeling so guilty about that and thought she hated me. We then started online school and I completely lost contact with reality. Then it was the night before Christmas Eve, I remember it vividly, and my mother said that lgbtq+ people should just burn in hell. I was shocked and disgusted, I knew my father was kinda homophobic, but I didn’t expect that from her. That was the darkest time of my life, I remember waking up so tired, just wanting to die or sleep forever, going to school, not talking to anyone or just arguing. Then I went home, did an enormous amount of homework, like ‘till even midnight, then my parents yelled at me for some reason, and when they were asleep I just put my headphones on and cried for hours, praying to die. I got 4 or 5 hours of sleep at night and I was always so tired; I begged my parents to take me to a therapist but for some reason they never wanted to. Some months after I became friends again with the girl who used to be my best friend, but it wasn’t the same. I started to hang out with her and my other friend, since our previous friend group fell apart, but they hated eachother and everything was always so messy between the three of us. My ex best friend had changed, she treated me like shit, used to “hit” me as a joke and always blamed me for preferring my other friend instead of her. Then summer came and our previous friend group started getting back together, my friend joined it. The summer was pretty well, but me and that girl were still always fighting and my mental health wasn’t the best. In semptber my only real friend moved far away and that was a hard loss.After school started my depression slowly started to fade away and my grades got better. I also became friend with two other girls from my class, but due to school stress and all the problems with that girl I developed severe anxiety. I had panic attacks day and night and my parents finally realized I needed help and offerendo to take me to a therapist, but for some reason I didn’t want to go anymore. It went away on its own after a week-ish or something. The school year was just boring and nothing much happened. Summer 2022 was actually pretty good, things between me and that girl started to get better because I started to rebell her “abuse” and she started to respect me more. I also fell in love with a girl from our friend group and was surprised to find out that she felt the same. In september I started Highschool and I don’t really have a lot of friends in my class and some people still make fun of me, but I’m friend with a girl and she’s helped me going through the whole school year. Now it’s summer and everything is pretty good, I have some friends and a year long relationship. My mental Health isn’t very fine, because my ocd is getting worse, I still get depressive days and I hate myself sometimes, as I have a low self-confindence. But I know everything will get better, I have my highs and lows, and a lot of hope. If you’re still reading I hope you have a good day and a wonderful life❤❤
hello, english is not my first language either but i will try my best to write something decent. I hope and you can get out of some things that keep happening to you, think that you are not alone even if a thousand people are against you at least there will be one who will be supporting you
I'm so sorry that you went through that, but I'm glad to know that you have hope in the future! Even thought the future is scary, I believe that you'll get through it! I hope that your mental health problems will recover!^^
I don't often comment on youtube videos, but I kind of feel obligated to share my story and it seems like this is a safe place ❤
When I was around 3 years old (my brother around 1/less than a year old), my biological mother and at the time step father started doing meth and possibly other drugs
I don't remember a lot of what happened, but I heard and read stories of what happened in the years that I lived with them, including but not limited to: physcial abuse, neglect, and overall loneliness
I ended up being tossed to my "step fathers" side of the family (specifically his father and the fathers wife) where i was manipulated, put down, and overall mentally abused constantly by the wife (I often just refer to her as my mom as thats what she is legally, but I do not view her as such)
I was also put into homeschool where I suffered a lot socially (I probably have autisim, but the very little socialization didn't help) so I ended up trying to make friends online and along the way I was hevuly groomed
I didn't know any better as it felt like possitive attention, I just wanted people who I could talk to...
I now suffer from hypersexuality and Borderline personality disorder (not dignosed, but the moment I have heard about it, it heavily resonated with me and I check off every criteria from the DSM-5)
I also figured out I'm pansexual from a very early age (also nonbinary and demisexual) but I live in a very conservative household, basically all of my adopted family are bible thumpers and trump supporters so I felt unsafe coming out and always felt like if I did, I would of been kicked out
For a majority of this, I would sh as I felt like it was my only escape and that I derserved it
My last 2 years of highschool I went to a public school and succeeded far beyond what people expected, kind of myself as well
Im currently attending University and made the deans list, I got scholarships, and Im overall so much happier after living on campus and I finally feel free
I talk to my mother a lot more and actually have a relationship with her now (she's both a friend and my family) as she's doing much and has been sober for around 2 years I beleive
I have also gotten tattoos over a lot of my scars and Im finally seeing myself in a more positive light and actually taking the time to love myself
While I know I can never change what happened, I can at least make my own future and fight for my place in this world
I still have days where everything hurts, but it's still so much better than before
I feel at peace and I'm sure I'll get better as the years go on
I know I'll still have moments, but Ill be ok now
im honestly impressed on the fact that managed to get through it,keep it up bud:)
I’m so happy to hear that you are doing overall better today! Way to go! I wish you a happy future
@@condurpatricia I've left a lot of things out as I'm still learning my own life, but I'm using my negative experiences of how I can be better
Thank you
@@Alexia_334 Sometimes I have moments (I'm probably schizophrenic as well :[ ) but I'm doing the best I can!!
Thank you
@Tiffany_996 there are some days where I don't do so well, but it's still a lot better than before
Thank you
Thank you so much for this playlist.... I'm only two songs in but I already love that you put in good unpopular songs, it really calms me a down a lot..... You definitely deserve more likes!♡
Agreed!❤
(Tw: SA)
My story starts out a little something like this.
This happened at such a young age, i dont even remember how old i was (i think maybe 6 or 7). I was playing at my best friends house, and his older brother was with us. My friend had to step out to go do something. His brother ripped the controller i was using to play video games out of my hand and said "you'll get this later."
Then he proceeded to ask me some strange questions. The one i only remember was
"Do you know this difference between a boy and a girl?"
I said yes, because i was a petty child. He asked me again, "what is it?" To which, i had no answers. Because in reality, i didnt. I was only a child. Then he asked me to pull my pants down. Obviously i said no, because i has always been taught to say no to that question. Then he tried again, and again, he got no luck. Then he forcefully shoved me into his closet and asked me to hold his phone flashlight. He then showed me his...yk. i was horrified. I escaped the closet but when i did, he pinned me to the ground and started kissing me while rubbing my thighs.
I eventually escaped and told my mom, but she didnt believe me that well. She told him to apologize to me. And thats it.
I still know him, i was hanging out with my friend the other day, and his brother was there. I was horrified to be around him, even though that happened years ago, but luckily nothing happened.
Next, I was hit by a car when i was 11. Right at the start of my middle school years. I gained a dissacoiative disorder, so i dont really remember much of middle school because of it.
This ties in to my 6th grade year, not too long after the accident, i got caught up in some pretty bad online stuff. I think you can guess what it was given the fact i was now 12 at this time. One of the things that still haunts me, i was forced to act out a "love scene" if yk what i mean with my online best friend or we both would be doxxed.
Thankfully, we never did get our adresses leaked..but it was definitely a horrifying couple days of my life.
One thing i will never forget, is my parents yelling at me for what i had done. Like it was my fault i was manipulated. I was 12 and truamatized. I was not right in the head. They yelled at me for 2-3 hours straight telling me everything was my fault and death threatening me.
Every day since then, they have acted like that never happened. I remember staying up until 2am hoping they wouldnt yell at me again. Id almost pass out and throw up in class because of the lack of sleep. From what i remember, i never did, but i did come close a few times.
Thank you for reading. You do not have to like, comment or anything. Just reading this means the world to me. If youve gone through anything similar, my heart goes out to you and we will make it through this together 💪
You are amazing, and i love you no matter what. Your truama does not define you
I like I'm faking having trauma because it was mostly emotional not physical abuse.
*feel like, sorry
Emotional abuse/ neglect is real, your feeling are real and they’re valid, im sorry you feel like they aren’t but they are trust me. I hope you can come to terms that they are valid and your worth healing them.
You do not need to be physically abused to have trauma. They’re are many things that can happen that isn’t physical abuse but can still be very traumatic. I really hope that with time you can heal your inner wounds because you deserve to.
Trauma can happen in different forms, physical, or emotional.
Same.. :/
this calms me down.
I was just a little kid when i had this accident that took my life away my hands and throw it with the trash.
I was 4 when half my body paralyzed for almost 30 minutes, my dad took me to the hospital.
I still remember the time, the day of the week, the hour, the moment, the food i was eating, the color of the old car.
That 'accident' lighted up two diseases now i have to deall with for the rest of my life.
I'm 14, it has been almost 10 years, since i was 4 but almost 5, in two months, October 20th, to be more specific, then, it would be ten years.
When i was in the hospital, my 'family' (from my dad) was living behind my house.
My father basically gave them everything, food, clothes, he paid for every single thing they needed.
But when i was in the hospital, none of them came to see me, not even my grandmother, not even my cousins, not even my aunt.
After some time, the mother of my dad said to the police she was under violence and domestic abuses by his own son.
Fortunately, my dad was proven innocent. And my 'grandmother', her daughter (my aunt) and my cousins left that house.
After two days, the house they lived mysteriously caught fire in the middle of the morning.
Thanks to a random guy passing by, we didn't died, and guess what.
I could remember the fire looking through the window of my room, when I was fucking 6.
After that, we never seen them again, never talk to them or even try to contact something related to them.
i feel like my “trauma” isnt valid because its not as bad as the usually traumas are or the same kind but music like this really helps me😅
Every ones trauma and situations are valid. It doesn’t matter if it’s a big deal or not if it’s hurting you or hurt you it’s something and it’s valid. Take care, babe and I hope you’re doing well.
whether your oxygen tank is punctured or you're forced under the current or you don't make it to the surface in time, you drown
there is no honest suffering that is invalid
I saw some people sharing their traumas so...Idk if it's a trauma or not, no I guess, but somehow my friends I had before think I'm indeed traumatized
My parents always were the strict one, but could easily change their mood in couple of days or against don't talk to me in few weeks, they could laugh at my mistakes, tell me If I was ugly in their eyes or beat me as if I was a dog.( important thing to mention, they're not drug addicts or alcoholics, they never did that while being drunk) I never suffered from it, no. I could understand why they did so, I was the spoiled anxious kid who could easily yell at other kids if they annoyed me or did something I didn't like. When I was six my smaller brother was born. They never yelled at him or hit him, so I became envious, and till I am. Relations between me and my brother are strained. He is allowed to yell at me, beat me, my parents made him understand that since he was 3. He was never punished for being hard on me, while I got hits every time I raised my voice on him. Now I'm 14, arguements with my parents and their comments abour my appearence or behavior played their role, I grew up as a shy melancholic girl who is scared of society's judgement, tried multiple times to starve herself to anotexia and kill herself with aspirin overdose. I know my parents love me, but just the fact me being a spoiled little girl in my childhood made me too sensitive to any kind of anger headed against me. I don't think it's a real trauma, I don't suffer at all, anyone here has trauma much harder.
Trauma is different for everyone. Some people are prone to things that society doesn’t normally view as “traumatic” but whether something really is trauma or not depends on you and nobody else. Just because it might not seem “as bad as others experiences” to you doesn’t make what you went through any less important. Trauma is subjective to how you react to things. So please don’t devalue what you went through, it’s just as important as others experiences. And always remember that there’s always light at the end of the tunnel. Do your best to keep going
ugh... Vent.
*Warnings!!*
Hitting. Name calling. Abuse?
And if you don't like these words then don't look at it please!
This is about me and my brother and other stuff...
So my brother. (The middle child). Always made fun of me, He called me racist names. He kept on fighting me. And he kept on making me cry. He always told me to grow up and stop being a crybaby. I always hated it. But I had to deal with it. He always made me feel like a person that looks ugly and lazy all the time. I hated him. He made me cry in front of my parents. At least they kinda helped me. He also told me to not tell anybody that he bullied me and made me cry. He would always grab my hand and said "DON'T TELL THEM ARE ELSE I WILL HIT HARDER!!" I was always scared of him. But when he goes visits he's friends, I always tell my parents what happened, but I always tell them to not do anything to him.
And when I defend myself he always gets mad at me. My older brother just watches. Some of the time when we get out of control he would help us to split apart. But I wanted to hurt him. But he was more stronger than me. I am mostly alone. And he makes fun of me because of that too. I always cried when he told me that I have no life, and that I should go kms.... And he always laughed. He even says that this is all a joke, And that I am a big crybaby. Nobody but my mom could help me. She is the best mom. She is never mean to me at all. My brother is the worse. I had to go through this like almost everyday. But he went go visit his dad. Which is good. I wish him the worse. And then I started to think of life.. I was scared. Scared to die.. I told my older brother and he said that I was overthinking. I was not happy. So I went go tell my mom. She supported me! She was the only person who helped me. She helped me when I needed it. I am really grateful to be born by a loving and caring mother. And when I finished talking to her that I was scared to die, I asked her. "Am I over reacting?" She said "Yes but just a little, look I know that you are scared to die. But look, I am here for you!!" I was kinda happy and scared. At least the middle child is visiting his dad. I am living a kinda happy life. I am also very sleep deprived. I wake up very tired cus I stay up late.
Welp thats all I have :D
Thanks for reading!!
your brother is horrible. I'm so sorry ml you don't deserve that at all , I'm glad you have a supportive mother. stay by her
@@littlbodybigtears thx!
Well, everyone here is sharing their stories, so here’s mine:
When I was little, I was bullied from kindergarten all the way through to 6th. In kindergarten, there was a girl who called me a “loser”. And from 1-3rd grade, I had another friend who basically brainwashed me into dumping my other friends just so I could be cool. I later realized that was a mistake when I got to 5th grade, when I met my best friend (we got back together in 7th grade). The girl who tricked me convinced me that she was “stalking her”. I felt like I was being the rope of tug-of-war between the two of them...my mother told me she was a bad influence, then we broke it off. In 6th grade, a guy made me cry because he threw my gym clothes in the garbage just to prank me...the bullying stopped in 7th grade due to COVID, when we did online school. In 8th grade, nothing happened. 9th grade was the most hellish year of my life. It was the year I cried the most...there was a girl who was jealous because I had a guy friend that she liked, so she called me a b**ch, and she just smiled while I was crying, and all my classmates were watching. When she transferred classes, I thought it would stop, but it didn’t...people treated me like a little girl when I tried to stand up for myself, they would just call me the main character and tease me rudely. I felt like a puppet...home life wasn’t much better because my parents were discussing a divorce...and they still are...
If you read this far, I thank you for reading everything I had to say ❤
dude i genuinely hope that you're okay or doing better right now that's horrible
@@vent.acc.lmao1 TY I’m actually feeling a lot better
ok that's great to hear@@QuitCurrently
I'm very sorry to hear that you had to go through all of that, I hope that your situation gets better!:")
My trauma is the size of a peanut, but the build up of little things still hurts. I’m just so tired of everything :(
I was betrayed by my emotions, learning i cant even cry at my sisters funeral, or when she was dying of cancer.
Vent from me .. :,>
I have horrible trust issues from Trauma in the past. So, I've never really wanted to be in a relationship because I was scared of trusting them. But then, I found someone, and he helped me with my trust issues. Later, we became a couple. And I really trusted him with all my heart. We went everywhere together, we always held hands, things that couples would usually do. But I heard from my friend that he was supposedly cheating. Of course, I didn't believe that. Until I saw him with another girl. It hurt my heart because I really trusted him. He didn't even try to make conversation. He just glared at me and walked away. All because of him...I have awful trust issues. It sucks that I found someone I actually trusted, and he just turned around and went to another girl.
It's 3'o clock for me Rn and I can't sleep so I'll just right my story as something to do I guess...
I don't remember that much of my childhood, all I do remember is constantly being told that everything I do was wrong and that I shouldn't have even been born, they even threatened to kill me at many points in my life. one day 7 year old me was at school and I was on break, me and my friend were playing tag. There was this really high wall that the kids would balance across, people said if you walk from one end to the other, you would get one wish granted by some weird ass cosmic energy thing. Anyways, I was balancing across the wall and I fell and broke my arm pretty badly. Fast forward a few weeks and I'm getting my cast removed for the first time and the doctor notices a handprint across my leg, he questions me and I tell him about literally everything my mum and dad used to do to me. I told him about how they constantly belittled me and abused me for no reason, using belts and slippers and whatever they could get their hands on. About a week letter a car with 3 people non of us had ever met pulls into our drive and says they are taking me away...I was moved from home to home, I had developed C-PTSD,Borderline personality disorder, and OSDD due to the trauma I had endured. For the first few years I couldn't stay in any of the houses I was place in for longer than a few months due to my dangerous behaviours. I would set fires in my rooms, threaten to kill people, run away, one of the kids in one of my earliest care homes introduced me to drugs when I was 10, and since then I have been smoking weed on and off, I still smoke it now, alongside ungodly amounts of alcohol,but that's not very important to my story. When I was 14 I had one of the worst traumatic experience in my life, I was out in a large ikea bag and thrown around the house like I was nothing but a toy, I'm almost 18 now, and it's not long until I finally move out of the care system, but even after all these years, I still get vivid flashbacks that immediately send me into crisis mode, causing me to lash out in anger at my cares,destroy the house and basically be a danger to myself and the staff.due to my severe mental issues I have done countless activities that have got me arrested several times. Yet Despite all this, and all the shit I have been through, I have had one friend that has been with me through everything since I was 4, me and her are moving in together when I get out of care so we can keep each other safe. I apologise for any spelling or grammar mistakes but I thought I would tell my story and get some things of my mind.
Thank you for reading. I hope you have a brilliant day.
I am so sorry. May god and Jesus be by your soul. Prayers for you and peace be upon your soul. May god let you heal your heart❤
Vent
When I was 6 I had to move around a lot, and it made me not able to have any sense of home, and I always wanted to run away. I was never able to make myself run away since I didn’t have the guts to.
I’ve gone to 7 different schools now, and I’m not even in Highschool yet.
Moving around a lot however, gave me the perk of a crap ton of people that I was temporarily friends with.
That many kinds of people gave me the insight to meet other people, wich made it easier to make friends.
It was kinda a bad thing though, bc the more people I met, the more I learned to not trust people. In fact, there was one person (I will not name bc of doxing reasons) that litiraly told me I had to have more trust issues.
Then, recently I met someone who was the prime example of why I needed to have more trust issues.
This person was a stalker, and still coments on my yt vids to this day. I delete all of them and report the Chanel. I will not tell to many details, but the general way it went was a one sided confession that didn’t go as planed for them. I said no, and they didn’t take no for an answer, going as far as to use other people in a group chat I was in to get my moms number and contact her, telling her to make me text him. I still want him gone.
Going back again, my dad.
He was never a good dad, but I wasn’t allowed to blame him since he was ”in the military and just can’t help it.”
I always felt somewhat uncomfortable when he would tuck me in at night, because he would pat the blankets on *uncomfortable* parts. I hated it so much. I know that’s not realy SA, but it kinda felt like it. It was horrible.
I never wanted to be near my parents when they would fight, because it was verry loud. So, I would go to my brothers room to watch him play gmod or something. It was one of the only comforting things I had at the time.
I don’t know if this is TMI lmao :/
If you’re seeing this comment while going through a dark time. Just know that you are amazing and beautiful and I am so proud of everything you keep doing ever to keep living and I hope you can find someone who can help you❤.
This hits in a different way, nostalgia+sadness. I don't even know how to describe this feeling, like.. When you're dreaming you often feel this. It almost feels like being a memory, but then again, we have all been living a dream, nothing is real. Nothing.
all those stories in the comments makes me cry so much, i don't really want to detail my story but i would just resume it in physical abuse. All about this songs just remind the fact that I'm still a little kid waiting to someone to pull my hair or slap my face.
No matter how much time has passed away, you have the right to expose that person and deserves to be punished
I'm sick of existing because every time I think of my own mother I feel disgusted and I just wanna give up. She is still affecting me after she has been dead for only 2 years
Every child deserves parents, but not every parent deserves a child.
this is a vent sorry for bad English:
when I was 5 or 6 I lived in my grandparents house one night it’ll change the way I will ever look at my grandpa he asked me to go to his side of the bed where he sleeps when I got there he grabs my arm and started to take my outfit off and he touched my body then he put private part inside of me it hurt so much that I was crying and begging him to stop when he stopped he put me down and I run to my bed crying myself to bed (this is part 1) (part 2: when I was staying at my grandparents house I was pretending to be asleep my grandpa grabbed my hand and made me touch his private part when he went away I left and pretended that nothing happened this was when I was 8 years old) I was so young that I still remember it I didn’t know how to tell people about it :(
I'm so sorry that happened to you. I hope you're okay now..! ❤️ no one deserves that. :(
I’m so very sorry that you experienced such a awful thing especially at such a young age, nobody deserves to go through such a horrible thing. I really hope you are able to properly heal from this, you deserve to be happy and healthy.
Mom died, grandma died, best friend left me, boyfriend left me while my dad was in hospital, no siblings, no other friends, i feel so alone sometimes.
To everyone who is hurting, I hope that things will get better for you - I know that it's tough but I believe that you'll get through it, stay strong! I'm so proud of you for waking up everyday, breathing, and being alive!
Throwing in a vent too, seems like a safe space.
It's random stuff and sh.
There are reasons why I draw monsters, play Omori, become scared around loud noises and yelling, collect Pokémon cards and stuff from my youth, have a very strong password on my IPad (current device), write fanfic, have 4-5 voices to talk with when I'm alone, stay inside all day even when it's nice, and listen to music so obscure it's probably just me listening to a mixing of vocaloid and Danganronpa at 4AM, and wish the Proxies would spirit me away from my house.
Unfortunately, it was my mother to thank.
I only cut myself once. I haven't since.
I read many people's comments here and I was very upset. Yes, I've been through a few traumas too, but I can't even compare to you. I just wanted to say that we can be friends. I want to make you feel good. Maybe you have a bad family, friends or even social circle, but I will try to be as good a friend as possible. Love to everyone. 😣💖
The lps image made me cry im not sure why it just did.
Wow. My child hood is coming back in a flash of an eye
I was always alone at home when I was little. My mum and dad were working. When I was 7 or 8 years old, I saw a cat from the window and wanted to play with it. I remember an old man came to me while I was petting the cat. First he played with me for a while, we petted the cat and played hide and seek together. Then he asked me what I was doing alone at this hour. I fell for his innocence and chatted with him for a long time. He invited me to his house. When I went in, he opened a cartoon for me, and while I was watching the cartoon with my teddy bear in my hand, I noticed that the man was looking at me strangely. I got a little scared, and then it happened. For 3 years I was subjected to his looks and disgusting touches.
I'm 15 now. My life is worse than it's ever been. I have attempted suicide many times. I have no academic success. I have a bad relationship with my friends and family and I feel more disgusting every day. I hate my body so much that I can't explain it. If I had not gone out that day, none of this would have happened. It's all my fault and this guilt will haunt me until my death. I ruined my own childhood with my own hands.
You didn't ruin it at all you fell for his sick tricks like any child would, do not blame yourself for your unsuccessfullness or bad relationships do those people know what you've been through? I'm so sorry to hear about your suicide attempts, please don't feel disgusted in yourself your trying your best clearly and that is what counts, wish you the best ❤
Please don't do this to yourself. You're going to ruin your future because of that disgusting man? I think you are much stronger than that. I'm sure you'll get through this. I'm proud of you. Please don't make yourself suffer. I love you, take care of yourself 💗
I am 15 but I am very glad you got this case off your chest, it would have been worse if you don't. But don't worry, I promise it wasn't your fault. we sometimes fall for people with innocence too. And its okay, I have trust issues anyways.
If nobody minds,heres a brief description of my trauma
Whenever I write long descriptions of my trauma, I always get angry and embarrassed at myself and delete it.
But i feel like I really need someone to tell this to, so I'll keep it short as I can before I change my mind.
When I was around 11 I was experiencing a lot of mental turmoil and ainxiety around the idea of sex. To the extent of (I know this sounds stupid and i feel embarrased just typing this out) being unable to stop thinking about disembodied hands/phallicies assulting me and me not being able to do anything about it. I'd constantly cross my legs and be unable to feel remotely comfortable unless I had my blankets between my legs.
One day I couldn't take it anymore and I panickedly told my mom while we were driving somewhere that I couldnt stop feeling like I had been sexually assualted and I didn't know why and I've been showing symptoms of people who had been assulted. (I've always had a lot of trouble remembering my childhood and that was part of the reason that I was scared)
She was quiet for a moment, and then admitted that when I was 2-3 her boyfriend's daughter who was around 11 assaulted me.
She said that she left for a while and came back to the sound of me screaming. She said it sounded different,like I was in a lot of pain.
She said that I told her what she did to me, and when she confronted her boyfriend, he said that I was lying and that his daughter woold never do that. She broke up with him later and it was found that his daughter had been watching porn at her grandma's.
After learning this,I felt disgusting.
Having been raised very Catholic by my Grandma, virginity was considered this beautiful precious thing that somewhat defined your worth.
So,I felt worthless.
And I didn't (and still don't) even feel like I was allowed to hate the girl because it wasn't like she was an evil adult, she was just some kid.
I just needed to get over it and stop acting like I was "special" or actually traumatized because others have actually been raped. People I know. My story seemed like a joke, an insult to be compared it to theirs.
It was just a chamber of hate and disgust and feeling like I didn't deserve to feel the way I did.
My father was a psychopath.
He was a severe bipolar who never took his meds. Also likely had scizoprenia.
He'd abuse my mom in basically every way.
I never knew the extremity of it until I was older.
One day when I was four, she took me away to live with another guy.
He was a bit of a jerk,but not too horrible.
He was condescending to me and would make me do chores despite literally being 4.
There was a kid who lived with him,not sure if he was a nephew or what.
I remember once I was hiding under a table with a blanket because I didn't want to deal with anyone and just wanted to hide.
The boy (who I believe was 11-12) found me and I told him not to tell anyone where I was.
He said he wouldn't,but I'd have to give him a kiss on the cheek. I was confused, but I agreed.
I did,and he told me to do it again. I did, but then he turned his head at the last second and made me kiss him on the mouth. I tore away and wiped my mouth with disgust, and then he started to act disgusted as well and called me a "nasty girl".
That is one of the few memories i have of my early childhood,but it stuck with me, and it still makes me uncomfortable.
Anyways,she married the guy, and left him not too long after, because as I said,he was a jerk.
When I was around 6, she started dating this guy who had two children. The boy was 4.
The boy would say he wanted to go to another room with me to "have sex" I had no idea what this meant, so I agreed. He told me that we were supposed to take our clothes off so that he could "put it in"
I was grossed out and scared,so I left.
He said these kinds of things a lot, and it now deeply concerns me to think why on earth a 4 YEAR OLD would be saying these things,but anyways-
She left him eventually because he was also a jerk.
Eventually when I was about 7 she started dating another guy.
He was actually nice to me. He worked on a boat.
He liked to collect rocks and copper and play with fire,so I liked him a lot.
She dated him on and off for around 7 years.
It eventually ended because he was displaying a lot of concerning behavior.
She said he was obsessed with the idea that she was cheating on him, and would stank her and want to go through her phone a lot. He lived with his mother, who he had an over attachment to and she didnt want him to leave the house.
He also went down an alt-right conspiracy theory rabbithole within the last few years he was still with us, and would never stop talking about it and getting angry and arguing with me.
I just remember that one late night they were arguing loudly,and he came into the living room where I was standing, and he walked up to me and said "you know I would never hurt you... Can I give you a hug?" I said yes and he gave me a tense hug. I remember just looking straight ahead with a dead face,unable to feel anything, I was always so emotionally exhausted.
I never saw him again after that. It's been almost 2 years now.
Sometimes I think about how after how I had to actually leave my bio father because of his abuse, the only other person I really saw as a father figure left .
There is a lot more, but thats all I can really bring myself to say for now.
Sorry for the essay.
Please don't ever feel like your story is a joke at all, absolutely horrible the boyfriend would defend their child so sorry to hear about that and your mad dad, I hope you can heal from that and live a good happy, fun life cos you deserve it!
Thank you so much, that feels extremely comforting to hear that what i went through is actually something. I hope you have an amazing day/week/year/life@@gerrardjones28
A weird little vent
I know it could be far-fetched but I think my mental health is getting worse. I constantly feel tired, I get frequent headaches from loud noises, I cry for no reason, I get suicidal thoughts often, I isolate myself from others and so much more. I don't know why this is happening, it's hurting me, it's bringing me pain. Please. Can I just sleep in my bed with my cat peacefully again?
I feel oddly the same way these days, you're not alone
Please try and find some sort of help, do the things that makes you happy or find something that truly does anything and do that
I’m so sorry for all the people that went through childhood trauma I hope you all finally have peace❤
This looks so good! Can’t wait to listen to!
Not only the pictures I relate but the flashbacks I been sad about. I felt so happy before a few people that I broke up with ruined my whole life.
May have triggers:
I didn’t go through @buse from authority figures per say, but I was severely bullied. In elementary school I was physically bullied as in being hit and pushed by others in addition to name calling, I was called “baby” and “ret@rd” because of the way I talked and how I supposedly acted (a child) on top of that, I was refused to get any toys from second grade on and in third grade ALL my beloved toys were taken away from me because I was told to “grow up” by my parental figures. Till this day this hurts for some reason. In third grade, I also became very weird as in extremely shy and awkward for some reason and couldn’t call people by their names, I don’t know why. For whatever reason my parental figures didn’t want me to be a kid and told me to act “my age” for whatever reason, maybe they were embarrassed of me and thought I was a “baby” or “mentally challenged” like how kids/teachers accused me of. Mind you I excelled at math and struggled at reading. But nothing to raise alarm. Then in middle school, I was severely ostracized and laughed at because I watched cartoons and still wanted to play with toys. In HS I had one true friend that eventually left me for cooler people.
In college and beginning 20s I was still laughed at and treated like a freak. Right now it’s still very hard to make friends, and I still at times feel like a freak. I rarely dated and so far had one toxic ex that yelled at me for no reason, accusing me of autism, being distracted, or simply talking to other guys. Some people are nice though, but it takes awhile to overcome this trauma and become a better version of myself.
I'm 18 years old, and I'm just realizing I was psychologically tortured almost all my life. My brother used to manipulate me into doing or giving him what he wanted. He took his own life when he realized what he was doing to the people he loved.
When I was seven, I traveled more than 800 miles to visit my biological father. For two weeks, I stayed with him. For two weeks, he molested me. He forced me to take a shower with him, he forced me to do oral sex on him, and he forced me to watch porn, all in preparation for the time he would actually rape me. I was so young, I didn't know what happened. Now, I'm absolutely disgusted with him. He tried to tell me happy birthday on Facebook when I turned 18. I blocked him.
When I was 11, I reunited with an old friend. She had turned even more evil than my brother was. She forced me to harass and bully my own brother, threatening the friendship over it. I have autism, so she was my first and only real friend. Or so I thought. I told her my deepest secret about my father. She thought it was hilarious. Despite my trauma, she forced me to watch porn and draw sexual comics about my brother and his friend. Eventually, she broke off the relationship because she was bored of me. It was my mom that told me she was just using me for entertainment. When my brother asked her why she stopped being friends with me, she said she found a better friend. Who smoked. "Cigarettes?" My brother asked. "No, something else..."
Starting when I was nine, the world was changing so much that I developed suicidal thoughts. I scrawled onto the desk for someone to give me a knife to stab myself out of this cruel world. When I was 12, I was punished for not working when I was having a severe allergic reaction. I got so spiraled out of control that I sat in my room and conjured up ways to try and kill myself. I tried putting tape over my mouth and nose, but our tape was crappy. I told my moms what I had done, and I was sent to a psychiatric hospital. I was the youngest in the child unit. Everyone else was a teenager. I was lonely as the moon. I hated everything about that place. I cried and walked in circles and cried and talked to the crayons and cried some more. I was so happy to leave on the third day. But the suicidal thoughts didn't stop there. As I grew into a teenager, my life only got more stressful. My tears could have filled a pool. Three weeks ago, my mom told me that if I really was suicidal, I would call 911. I called them, and I was admitted into the same hospital. I was scared, but my roommate welcomed me, as well as the rest of the adults there. I was again the youngest, amongst mostly elderly people, but I made many friends during my five days. When I left, everyone expressed their joy of having me to lighten their day. I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder.
I was a sensitive child. Being whipped with a belt and being yelled at, while they are normal punishments, for some reason, it scarred me. Fear ran through my bones constantly as a child. I didn't want to be yelled at. I don't want to be yelled at. It makes my chest tighten. It makes my body sieze up. I become paralyzed in fear. Even if I'm not the one being yelled at, it makes me overwhelmed enough to cry. Autism makes me a sensitive child and a sensitive person.
When I was two months away from turning 16, my younger brother took his life. He wasn't stressed like me, he was saving us from himself. His mind turned to manipulation in order to get what he wanted. His sociopathic mind didn't allow him to realize how much he was hurting us. He really did love us, and we still shared good memories with him, but when he wanted something, he was a different person. I know he saved us. Things are a lot more peaceful at home. He was educated to not be like my father or his father (who was physically abusive to our mom). He would have made a great husband... If not for the mind he was given. I miss him. Even if I'm a year and a half older than him, he was the one who protected me from the bullies on the bus. They shoved me into the wall of the bus. They shot slinkies into my eye. And my brother was there to protect me. They never bothered him.
My elementary school years were lonely and riddled with bullies and words floating behind my back. By the end of middle school, I found out that I was aroace. And in 9th grade, I discovered Nonbinary. Finally, I found why I hated my body. Since I was young, I wanted a female bottom and male top half of my body. But nope, as a girl, my chest developed. Starting when I was 9, I hunched my back to hide my chest. Now that I'm grown up, my back hunches normally, and standing up straight makes me lightheaded and I almost pass out.
I often doubt my childhood trauma because I was never beaten up or physically abused in any way.
Maybe it's worse than even I could imagine.
Vent just cuz i need to get it out of my head. *Tw COCSA*
Him:"Wanna play a game?"
4 year old me: "Yes!"
Him: "Good, go listen to mom and dad tonight."
Wanna play a game. It is a sentence I will never forget. I was 4 years old when my older brother came up to me and asked if I wanted to play a game. Of course, I said yes because I looked up to him, and he didn't seem to like me. Little did I know that would be the worst mistake of my life. That's when the sexual abuse started. He showed me through games on what to do. So I thought it was ok because I was 4. God, looking back at it, I hate myself, and I only blame myself for what happened to me.
I hope you can realize that wasn’t YOUR fault, the only person to blame was the twisted person that abused you, they should’ve never did those things to you in the first place! I really do hope you can heal from your trauma, because that’s the least you deserve, the most you deserve is to finally be at peace with yourself.
i remember always feeling insecure about myself and wasn’t that happy with how i looked because of my parents toxic traits to tell me not to eat that and how everyone hates big people…
When I was little I couldn't play with my cousins because they were guys. I would just watch them play with my brother. Now they bearly don't even know me.
Thank you my dear older sister for the trauma 🫶🫶🫶🫶🫶🫶
little vent.
back when i was 8 or 9 my brother and mother always fought, not physical fights but just arguing rlly bad, i remember staying outside for hours crying and waiting till the fight for that day would be over. this happened a lot so i was growing used to it. im so glad they dont fight anymore.
When I was little my older sisters and brother drank and ran off hitting vapes and weed I was asleep during the time only to find one of my brothers friends by my door
TW: A possibly sensitive topic? Talking abt trauma ect
I know I do have some sort of trauma but I can't even figure out what it is. I think it was just the internet. I had unrestricted access to it so I was basically raised by it. It affected me a lot. I can't really get rid of it now. Once its stuck in your head its too hard to get out. I knew and still do know too much for my age and look into the very thing that ruined me for comfort. I want to go back to when I was younger and warn them and maybe then I'd finally have a life which isn't constantly in paranoia again. The internet and then with the expectations of others is just too much.
I completely understand where your coming from. I hope you can have a better life and continue to shine like gold through trouble. If you ever make it through and I know you will then I want you to know that I'm always going to be rooting onwards for you from possibly the other side of the earth ❤
12:15 My Disney childhood memories are here 😭
My mommy was never married so I would rarely visited my dad he mentally abused me couas once I visited him when I was 4 or 5 Him and my grandma were fighting so loud I ran under the table my dad picked it up I looked at his eyes then I ran to the bathroom I locked the door my dad was banging on the door I cried my heart out and I heard my mommy was here to pick me up I won’t home i was still crying and now he made it worse couas we won’t to movie we got a ride and I was so uncomfortable we won’t to see d and d but we saw a rated R movie I was saying no that my mommy would get me in big trouble he was pulling my arm to the movie room i used all my wait so he wint to a worker and asked them is this movie that bad for kids to watch and she said oh no it only has a little bit of blood she lied fast forward he forgot his phone so we wint to the bus stop he starts punching the sight then he says f4 you to a police car he gets in a fight so then I dash to the movies then I ask to go to the bathroom covering my eyes and nose I break down in tears in the bathroom in a little bit I go back my dad in the bus
At nine, my dad took me into my room and closed the door while my sister was in school. He asked me if I wanted to play a new game. I don't like firetrucks anymore.
When you remember trauma, it hits like a brick, i remembered some horrible things, it hurts, i think i need help
Do you guys feel like that as soon as you grow up, and become an adult, the adult you will be for the rest of your life, you feelings wont be valid? I feel that when i step out of the 'golden years', which will happen very quickly, my feelings, emotions, saddness, everything i feel, no one will listen to anymore? My feelings are only valid when i am a child, a teen... because teen angst is romanitisized. Well, no one listens to my thoughts anyway lol, so i guess it dousnt matter. just a little thought. And, i dont know if i have trauma, im all used to it. Everytime my dad screams at me, it usally my fault anyway lol, like when i forget to close doors, or turn lights off. I feel so frustrated in myself because those are simple tasks that i always forget. I swear there is somthing wrong with me. My parents also removed the lock from my bedroom, and everytime my dad enters the room, he slams the door open. I, obviously flinch, but he says that flinching is a sign im hiding from them. They hate the idea of me having privacy. I swear there is somthing wrong with me.
This will probably reach out to no one, but if you actually read all of this for some strange reason...hi :) hope u have a well day.
and its kinda sad that mostly all i heard and saw as a child and a young kid was yelling and fighting from my damn parents.
and i remember always going to my brothers room at those times because that was the only person a felt safe with during those situations, and everyday i was paranoid that something else was gonna happen between my parents, being careful as hell not to mess up once or ill just get fucking yelled at or probably hit. i think i had a few behavioral problems back then but i never got any help for that and then i didnt know how to control my anger, which would then lead to me getting yelled at or hit like i said before. then i got taken away from my parents because of something id rather not discuss, and i just got really lonely. now today i have fucking attachment issues and im usually always lonely even if i have already been talking with someone or spending time with someone. most things i hate about my childhood but at least there are some good things. also im sorry if what im saying sounds a little jumbled or doesnt make sense, im just kind of paying attention to what im trying to say instead how i say it right now.
since other ppl are doing it, i'll share my story too
tw // verbal abuse, grooming, depersonalization, suicide, eating disorder, neglect, physical abuse, animal abuse
one of my earliest memories is my sister crying for being scolded about its homework (it uses it/its pronouns). i still remember its face as it cried. my mom worked basically 24/7, doing graveyard shifts, while my biological father (who will be referred to as "the shithead" for the rest of this vent) stayed home and raised me, i guess? i don't remember him actually doing anything to raise me. my sister could only come over sometimes because of a custody agreement with my mom's ex, so often it was just me and the shithead in the house alone. i was homeschooled in kindergarten, on a computer with other kids. up to this point i had never met any kids my age, so i didn't have any friends or anybody to talk to that wasn't family. another one of my oldest memories is watching the classic scooby doo on a tv, in my room, alone, just sitting in a mostly-bare room, for who knows how long. after kindergarten, we moved to the country. the shithead's idea, of course! in the country, we were an hour from the closest store, and it was repeatedly stated that calling the cops would be pointless because they wouldn't get there in time (i don't remember the context). the rest of grade school, i grew up in a former one-room schoolhouse; we said the pledge of allegiance, only had two or three teachers, and everybody in the school knew everybody else. there was a distinct turning point where the shithead whom i had loved so much had fucked it up for himself... we were eating tortilla chips in the kitchen and he tossed a chip at me, which hit me in the chest. stupid kid me thought it would be funny to cry (i think?) and started crying. he grabbed my favorite dish, fucking threw it at the ground, and screamed at me to stop crying. i was so shocked by it that i stopped crying immediately, since he'd never done anything like that before. i silently walked to my room, quietly closed the door, and cried myself to sleep in my bed. i used to slam my door a lot when i was upset, so instead of telling me not to do that, he took my bedroom door away. i remember being super upset about it. one time, i refused to eat his curry or fried rice or whatever cuz it was gross and made me wanny puke. he told me that i wouldn't be allowed to eat until i finished it. it took four days of hunger pains before i cracked and took the plate out to the back porch when nobody was watching, and scooped it off the ledge, into the tall grass. i lied and said i ate it. my mom later said that they saw it and they weren't mad, just upset i lied about it. later, when i was 12, i was an avid user of the social media app, amino, which has a bunch of servers, kinda like forums but with a different interface. amino is notorious for being filled with younger people, usually pre-teens and teens. as you might expect, this attracted the freaky fucks to it. one such freaky fuck tried to groom me. he said i'd make a good partner or whatever after i told him my age. he kept asking creepy questions, which i luckily knew were creepy, so i stonewalled him, dodging them all. it was only after he was banned from the platform that i realized he was grooming me. at around 12-13, my parents split, my mom and sister (who now both live here full-time) moved to my current house, while the shithead moved into an rv in an rv park, and then to a different rv spot. both of the spots were used by drug dealers. both places, a drug user knocked on the door. one of them gave me a candy bar. did i eat it? yeah. i checked to make sure the wrapper still had air in it, so i knew it wasn't like, laced with anything or something. or did i throw it away? i don't even remember. it was at the second rv place that the shithead started getting bolder, or stupider somehow, or something. he watched conservative propagandists in front of me (knowing i was queer), badmouthed my mom behind their back (they/them for mom), that kinda thing. one time, he tried to force me to take vitamin d pills because i didn't go outside often and he insisted i was depressed and had to take them. i didn't. he gave me the same face after he screamed at me when i was a kid. another time, he led me to believe he'd run over a human, describing something being messy and all up in his wheel. i asked if it was an animal, he said it wasn't. after a minute, he revealed it was a bucket. he smiled and laughed. i stayed silent. at 16, i came out as trans, like a week or two before my birthday. i messaged the shithead the day before i was supposed to go over to his house (and get a reward for having perfect attendance). the morning after i went to sleeo that night, i woke up to a wall of messages, basically saying that if i was going to start hrt, he didn't want to be in my life anymore. i showed my mom the texts, screenshotted them, and stayed home from school (i'm still salty about not getting my attendance reward :/). a few months later, he sent me an email saying that if i needed him, he was there. right. and in the same breath- er, keystroke? he compared being on hrt to being a drug addict. for a year or two i was watching his twitter account, seeing what unbelievable bullshit he would spout next. recently, he replied to another person talking about his experiences... being abused. by my mom. yeah, fuckin right, as if you didn't fight to keeo them trapped in the relationship with you, as if you purposefully didn't fix the car so they couldn't go anywhere, as if you were such a major dickhead that they made you sleep in a cot in a whole other room and stayed at their friend's house a lot of the time. yeah. sure, buddy. i replied to him on an alt account. i disproved all of the things he said. he deleted his comment, privated his account, and changed his profile picture. i'm pretty sure he also added a link to the book, faust, to his bio. i'm convinced it's a message to me. he knows i'm smart enough to get symbolism in a snap. i wouldn't be surprised. ever since, it feels like things are getting lighter.
second part in replies
and now, for some things that i didn't realize or learn about until recently. for example, it didn't occur to me until recently that he was very neglectful. i was practically raised by the internet, absolutely no restrictions, saw blood n guts n porn n shit at a young age, that whole deal. it really hit me when i watched a video i took of myself trying to play with him when i was like 8 or so, and he was just sitting there on his tablet, doing whatever the fuck while i tried to play a game with him. it showed on the video that it was really upsetting for him to basically ignore me, but i literally laughed it off when he started paying attention again and cracked jokes. another thing, as puberty took hold, i withdrew from the dysphoria caused by it all; i stopped wearing shorts, always wore long sleeves over my tees, barely talked... damn. also, i used to have a cat named midnight who i loved to death. my earliest happy memory is of him sitting on my face to wake me up. that's the only memory i have of him. one day, he disappeared. when my sister and i were talking one time, the convo shifted towards shit the shithead had done, and it told me about how he tortured animals back then. how he tied a string around a kitten's neck and forced my sister to watch it die, then put it in the trash. nobody knows what happened to midnight. if i ever find out the shithead killed midnight, i'm gonna give him the kitten treatment. anywayyyyyy another thing is that the shithead likes painting minifigures, and to do that, he'd keep the room lights off and use a bendy light instead; bright, warm light, all that. in another conversation about him, i was told that he'd physically and verbally abused my mom, and that he'd screamed at them to pull the trigger as he held a gun to his head. recently (last summer) i developed an eating disorder, right around the time the shithead starved me. i'd go without eating for days because i wanted to punish myself. it used to be harder to cry, but thanks to my loving partner, it's gotten easier. everything's gotten easier. since i met my love, since the shithead fucked off like the little bitch he is, since i got out of that country house far from town. oh, did i forget to mention that the shithead also left another family in another state. abandoned. with a child. he's polyamorous, so he has multiple girlfriends. i'm convinced he's not actually poly and just a fucking bastard who can't stand commitment. i can barely remember anything from my childhood. i can't remember most of the things that happened from the day i was born to 13 years old, and the few things i *do* remember, i don't remember *when* they happened. i completely forgot about the time i went with a friend to the aquarium as a kid, and i didn't believe my mom when they told me until they showed me proof. i still have memory issues now, barely remembering what happened yesterday, the day before, a week ago, or even what i had for breakfast. i've been locked into a permanent state of dissociation since the country years. i learned what suicide was in grade school. i'd throw fits in grade school when i was embarrassed, and i'd run out of the room and cry, too scared of people laughing at me to go back to class. this only got worse when a kid in my class startled me and i yelped. the whole class laughed. my teacher. my friends. everybody. i hid under my desk and cried. i've also been depressed since i was a kid. my emotions were so numb, i compared myself to a robot, which everybody thought was a joke. since i was young, i've barely had dreams, and the ones i did have were almost always nightmares. i remember most of those nightmares. the first time i hurt myself was around a year ago, when i was really depressed, and i punched myself in the leg. my mom and i have a lot of "confrontations" about stuff where they basically tell me about how whatever i did is wrong and then they compare me to the shithead. one time, they said that when they looked at me, they saw a person they loved, but that the way i act is just like him. after they finished saying that, i got a flash of an image in my head; i've always been able to imagine myself and the room around me in third person - so after they said that, it only made sense that the thing that flashed into my head was an image of the shithead sitting where i was, in the exact same way. when my mom is upset, it scares me, because almost all of the times i've come close to ending it all came right after one of our "confrontations", so i've learned all the vocal and physical cues that signal to me that they're about to start another one so i can hopefully try to avoid it, if i can. another thing i just remembered was that when i was younger, i was super into fnaf. like, aside from minecraft, it was the only thing i liked watching. my mom n the shithead thought that my nightmares were caused by it, so they banned me from fnaf for a year. i didn't listen of course, but ever since i've been wary about sharing my interests, scared of judgement. loud noises and bright lights give me a feeling of deep unease because of what the shithead's done. since i was a kid, i've had a hard time describing my emotions. before, i just... didn't. but now, i use scenes to describe them; like, for example, sometimes i feel like a sepia picnic on a park table on a hill in a clearing in the woods on a sunny summer day. then, there's this one time a few months ago, where my mom and i had a really bad confrontation. the only thing i remember from it is when they said i wasn't eating enough and tried to force me to eat a popsicle. i was already holding back a breakdown. i told them they were scaring me, starting to breathe faster and faster, crying without tears, suffocated by a fear beyond comprehension. also i failed math my last year of middle school cuz i developed maladaptive daydreaming disorder and couldn't get out of my head for long enough to work.
so, where am i now? i'm a 17 year old trans girl, turning 18 this year, who didn't get a chance at childhood. i dissociate often, and my emotions, body, personality, and mind feel so separate that i consider them as more of roommates than coworkers. i can't hurt plushies or objects because they're inherently innocent and undeserving of harm; after all, what could they have done wrong? and yet, at the same time, i find myself wrathful beyond what i'm comfortable with. it takes serious effort not to give myself a life sentence trying to hurt abusers.
it's 3:24 in the morning as of writing. i forgot to eat my dinner because i fell asleep again. it has meat in it so i have to compost it. i'm on my bed, headphones plugged in and listening to this playlist on loop as i have been for the past two and a half hours, wrapped in the blanket my love gave me for christmas, hugging the plush of my cat my love and their aunt made for me when we thought he was gonna die with no chance for operation, with my fitted bedsheet sprawled out just enough for me to lay on it without having to put in the effort to drape it over my comfort slab. i'm still depressed, but my love makes it all so much better. still, sometimes death calls to check in and make sure i don't wanna get early access. friday, april 19, 2024. 3:28 am. now 3:29 am.
i love you all. thanks for reading if you got this far. i wish i were the only one who was forced to suffer.
3:30. thank you.
thank you.
Lil vent because why not
Growing up i immigrated to houston when i was 3 from russia and my parents divorced shortly afterwards, i lived half of my life so far in an apartment that had a bad drug and gang problem and an active gang war had started inside the apartment. When i was 7 i would witness a driveby shooting which would cause my mom to not let me leave the complex i lived in anymore unless i was getting driven to church where there was an attempt to force me into getting baptized, i was getting driven to school, or we were going to the grocery store. My friends would come to my complex to play games with me, we would play tag in the complex, running down the concrete gapped stairs that i would fall down eventually causing me to sustain a heavy doseage of brain damage, one day while coming to my complex to play 3DS with me, my friend got caught up in the crossfire of a nearby skirmish between two of the gangs and he was hiding behind a tree, a gang member would think he was part of the gang he was against because of the clothes he was wearing which caused my friend to get shot and killed while i was watching from the balcony of my apartment. Eventually i would move away and lived in the first american home i would ever live in for 4 years before moving in with my dad where id live for another year, that year i got involved in multiple relationships that didnt end well and were highly toxic where in one of them, i was used for bed, abused mentally and physically, along with cheated on heavily. My dad got laid off and wouldnt be able to find a job fast enough to sustain me living with him for another year so he filed for bankruptcy and i now live with my mom again for my junior year in HS. This time im going to another different school in the same district. I now work a morally and legally questionable job where im constantly questioning why i do what i do because all i do is sustain more traumas which over the years has caused me to develop a slight drinking problem that ive been working hard on quitting. Nobody believes me which i dont blame, the shit i go through is the type of shit to come out of a story book and i wouldnt believe it either if i wasnt me.
Have a good day, and remember this one quote from me, dont be a shit person to someone, you never know whats going on in their life and in their mind.
The fact that I have the same bunny stuffy as the last one..
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Thank you for making this
all i ever knew as a kid is that i can't tell anyone about my problems beacuse i will be ignored or laughed at when i do and maybe my parents didint abuse mi phisicly but still i feel like they never acually cared for me like when i was happy it was fine but as soon as i had an problem and came up to them to help me i got rejected or laughted at and as soon as i made a miatake i was told that im usless or stupid or basiclly any other slur and i felt negelected i still do the worst thing about all this is that i do love my parents but it feels like they don't love me back... im sorry if i made many writing mistakes english is not my first language also reading the comments here broke me even more im so sorry for everyone here and i wish you all the best ❤
Don't even ask about my childhood and todlerhood.......
My story that nobody asked for(not the full story i dont remeber it fully)
i was born into what seems like a loving family but inside it was what i used to call a house of horros..but in comparission to others its not that bad...(i think) i remeber up to ages 6 my life was kinda normal i occasionly got yelled at and hit but i was fine..then my mother turned against me she knew i would do anything for her love and took advatage of it..i had urestricted internet access from age 10 so i was exposed to porn,gore and stuff like that and it kind of fucked me up a little i became hypersexual and watched and listend to porn willingly (i feel so discusting cause of this) and played otome games mostly 18+ ones...i remeber playing a game in 2016-2019 called dragon city at this time it still had a public chat(its gone now) i used to roleplay alot on there but it means i got messaged by older men and one guilt tripped me into dating him and i was 8 and he knew that and he was probaly 16 or so...
To this day im not sure if my s3xual assulalt story is valid but alot of people say it is...i remeber also watching my brother get SA'ed and then my parents punished me for not stopping it but i was way to young to understand what they where doing to him and i feel so fucking guilty
i remember my mother getting so angry and shaking chairs until they almost broke and trying to throw knifes at me and i remember being so fucking scared of my mother whilst holding a mothers day card because apparently my writing was "horrid and bad" when i tried my best as a 7 year old child...i rember my mum throwing me to the ground and smashing my head against the wall and floors and my vision getting worse and her breaking my glasses and not replacing them
i remember my family relatives always making me uncomfy forcing me to sit on there laps and hug them when i didnt want to. and one time when i was a child and i bent over to pick up one of my toys they commented and touched me there in a way (i wont say exactly what) and laughed about it and i dont know how to feel and my uncle kept making adult jokes to me and when i understood he didnt say anything and continued..
i remember more than half my family being addicts and alcoholics
i remember being used and manipulated.
i remember trying to dr0wn myself in the bathtub ages 9-10
i remember cutting age 11/12
i remember feeling guilty for not caring about other people anymore
i remember everything
and yet
i still dont remember all my childhood and have repressed memories
theres so much more shit but this is giving me to many flashbacks i cant anymore
i'm just gonna put a general trigger warning here for venting and some gory imagery
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you know, sometimes i feel like i don't deserve to be sad about how my life has turned out. i mean, i was raised by good parents, i had lots of friends growing up, i liked going out and doing stuff, and even if my autism has made a lot of my formative years a mishmash of confusion and overstimulation, i feel like i was genuinely happy.
despite all that, though, i wouldn't say that i feel "okay". the idea of the dark scares me. the idea of mold and diseases scares me. the idea of bugs in my food or my skin being removed like peel-off latex scares me. the idea of going out to meet friends scares me. the idea of talking to certain people about how i feel scares me. the idea of my dreams never coming true no matter how much i try scares me.
what happened? why do i feel like i'm throwing my own pity party? why do i feel like my blood is heavier every single day? why do i feel like making a mistake will turn me into an unlovable monster? why do i feel like something has tried and succeeded in making sure i live in perpetual and utter terror? did i do something wrong?
I hope everyone is having a nice day today
Vent here TW:SENSTIVE TOPICS
I edited it to fix some spelling mistaks
Elementary:
My childhood per say was diffrent from others I wasnt liked at all by kids i had no friends until 2nd grade but she used me for food and people stood up for her when I refused to give her anymore food then later on in 3rd grade I made alot of friends but we unfriened in 5th grade cause I felt like I was being babyed when I broke my finger but I made 2 new friends in the same day never did I think that same year I was gonna be SA by the one who wanted to be friends with me he didn't touch me for that long but it still affected me, he smiled after he did it I suprresed that memory until 8th grade but during the years between before I finally rembered it I was at a really low point like. The only reason I never told anyone about the SA is becaue whenever I told somone on anybody like my brother for saying really bad words and he turned out really bad cause my parents never did anything and all I got it that I shouldn't taddle all the time so you know what they say snitches get sticthes
Middle school:
In 7th grade I got sent to the counselor for accidently saying just kill me when a teacher talked to me asking what she could do to help me get friends or show my emotions my mom had to pick me up but before we even got to the car she yelled at me and had a mental break down when we got home she had a talk with me saying im not depressed and that I shouldn't lie about it and said she was depressed and actually knew how it felt. In early 8th grade I started SH and ALMOST tried to kill myself but before I opened the pills the only person I thought about was my cousin (has alot to say about my parents) I did get a bit better when i had friends I could be myself around but I'm starting to get low again
Info about my parents:
They are homophobic and im a transmasc and pansexual currently dating somone whos non-binary which I can't tell my parents about because I know that they'll be even more upset after they found out im trans. My dad dose touch me uncomfortably and kisses/breaths on my neck, he sends me inappropriate memes even ones with complete nudity. My mom isnt so bad but she tried to guilt trip me to do things my crying infrount of me. Also they get madam me whenever I'm having a mental breakdown even though I haven't had one in months after I suppressed my feelings music helps calm me down but my dad took my headphones and said that I can't listen to music forever because my brother dosen't but my brother plays games all day while yelling and cussing and when he's not he's listening to music he never puts his plates away or cups so I have to do it for him cause my mom just leaves it there cause if he wants to use it again and if it's in the dishwasher he gets annoyed at her, he even calls her bad mom alot he dosent do much for mother's day and here I am spending a hour on her card with him writing the same thing each year "I love you mom" with her praising him while my cards geting a simple answer. HE EVEN YELLED AT ME SAYING "I hope your future husband abuses you with my mom saying don't say that and did noting else if I'm mean to him I have to be kind and apologize to him and all he gets is a "don't do that it's not kind"
Some random info:
I had unrestricted internet access as pornigraphic material and gore like some stuff even scared me for years as I was only 5 my parents didnt even stop m when they found out the stuff I saw but when my brother was young but they let him play GTA he found the str¡p club in the game he even donwload 🟧◼️ AND THEY STOPPED HIM HE WAS A YOUNG TEEN. But Im allowed to get scared and see stuff I didn't know I was supposed to see. I feel like he's favorited more than me they worry about him more than me but if im on my electronics for to long they stop me but my brother gets a free pass he yells really loud our neighbors can hear him they've told him they'll change his headphons a bunch of times so he can hear how loud he is but they haven't.
You’re not alone. I hope you and your partner have each other’s back even in these times of dread. You and your partner deserve the best and I wish you well
I hate that I was sexually assaulted by someone younger than me.. I can’t tell if it was my fault or hers. I hate being hypersexual so much. I just want help so fucking badly
sharing my story, for those who are triggered by these subjects, please do not read: comments on weight, physical, emotional, and spiritual abuse, toxic relationships, minor sexual commentary, and mental illnesses
growing up I had only my mom and my half brother, my grandparents were around and got divorced when I was a kid due to my grandpa being an alcoholic and only recently has moved away. He lived with us as he recovered despite leaving my grandma. I ended up getting choked by him frequently until he moved away and when I told my mom about it she blamed me for letting it happen despite it starting around age 7 and went on for about ten years. She often criticizes me for being (I am still a virgin) 'sexual', gender identity, sexual identity, and forces me to admit to things I don't believe are true, going as far as to make me call myself a slut at age twelve. She often gets mad at me for being quiet but hates everything I like. She doesn't like me asking questions and makes me do my own research if I ever want to ask her questions even if I know she knows the answer. I am an independent person but I just want her to talk to me other than just yelling at me for "my" good. My family always fight but all of them are all great people to everyone else, every time I try to tell people what they do to me they yell at me for not talking to them about it, and others can't believe what I say. I have been through a lot, and I am very tired. I just want someone good to be around me to care about me. I hang around problematic kids because they feel like they're the only ones who understand, and all the good kids don't feel mature enough to me, but then I will get upset that I cannot be nearly as happy as them. I get scolded for not being happy and that I should feel so lucky for what I have. Though I feel like a disappointment. My brother expressed to our mom the same things I do and he gets offered help in a heart beat but when I ask I just get brushed off. My mom is an awarded person in her field, my grandparents are successful people albeit unhappy, my brother and uncle are some of the most impressive people i've ever met within their fields, but I "just want attention". My grades were not nearly as good as theirs, I am just tired that I constantly have to compete for love in my own life.
My mother has even told me how her and the family resent me, that police should take me away for some of my past actions that I didn't do. That it is hard to love me. She goes through my things, and insults me for things I like, like horror games or old t.v. shows (usually spanning from 1980-2010), calling me by my dead name because I "want attention" and only ever compliments me when she yells at me, never saying it unless I am crying. Saying my father really wanted me aborted when I said I had wished I had a dad like my brother or friends do. There is so much more that I now just can't wait to leave because of. I want to leave and never look back, explore, be myself, fall in love. Change my name, never be around her again, dress the way I want, and grow out my body hair. Cut my hair short and be a real me.
Your family sounds the exact same as mine, sincerely I am so sorry for what you went through sugar cube.
when i cry when its their fault, and when the emotions get me overwhelmed, they say, "dont make me the victim" or "stop crying." but when its not their fault, they say, "its okay to cry." "emotions are normal" "youre a human being its ok to cry". i dont get the difference. just because its your fault it means i cant cry?... why cant you accept that youve made me cry?...
the reason why i age regress (i never had a normal childhood. but i had two horrible fathers, with an alchoholic mother, and a traumatizing school expeirence)
He was my brother.
My dad's step son,
When my dad found out what happened- he was furious. He sent us up to our room and we heard my dad yelling and throwing stuff in my brothers room.
I felt bad for my brother.
And I hated my dad for hurting him.
Now, I love my dad. And I wish I showed my dad how much I now appreciate what he did when he found out what my brother did to me.
eight years I had to stay in the same house as my brother.
He moved out. He misses me.
I wish he understood what he took from me.
Traumacore makes me feel better than I do when I am at my best
ok ppl are sharing their story so ill share a tiny bit of mine
i was always emotionally and verbally abused but i didnt know that. i still am though. i dont want to get into anything else though, thats always been a problem for me; venting and opening up to people
at the start I literally cried because of the picture because me and my sister would play with her LPS dolls and well she was kinda annoyed with my cringy role plays but she was so funny and it just hit like a bus of nostalgia cus she put them in the basement and won’t play with them anymore because she’s 18 now and me and her was 14-12 years old but lps are my childhood toy
Here's a little vent from myself. You don't have to read if you don't want to. Please proceed with caution as this vent contains stuff about s3xual harassment and sui1c1d3
Growing up, my household was completely normal. I had a wonderful family whom I loved very much. I was always quite the happy child at home, that is until the issues started. School was a major issue from me. I wasn't the smartest, and I was one of the weird kids, so I got targeted by people a lot. I could handle it until death threats and physical violence came into the mix in second grade. I was beaten up quite a lot during my elementary years. None of the teachers would help, no one helped me. My parents tried everything they could but it continued. Even with lectures from the school nothing had changed. It was like that until the end of Elementary. Going into middle school, I thought things would be better. They weren't better, they were worse. I had started getting harassed by fellow classmates and peers online, they would constantly pick at my insecurities, they'd laugh and pick at me for being a trans kid. It got to where my mental health was so bad I had almost taken my own life, twice in grade six, once in 8th grade. It wasn't until 8th grade that things got absolute shit. I tried taking my life during school by overdosing. I told one of the guidance counsellors, and my parents had to take me to the hospital. Thing's didn't get any better from there, and that was only in November, only three months into school. All of my classmates had constantly targeted me, no one liked me. I grew snappy and didn't think before responding to them. I had responded with threats of violence against them. Around March, they had started throwing food at me and spreading rumors about me and another classmate doing nasty stuff together. He was an okay kid, didn't really say stuff about me in my face, so I was on okay-ish terms with him. That s3xual harassment turned into my classmates and other kids saying some nasty stuff of what they'd do to me right in front of me. They always cornered me and threatened to do all that horrible nasty stuff. I remember my father threatening to call the police because of these kids at school. I just wish he did. The harassment was horrible, and not only that, someone who I thought was my friend had bullied me for protecting one of our mutual friends because they were getting bullied too so she wasn't any help. Sometimes I just wish I could start school all over. I wish shit could've changed. I however now am in therapy for this stuff. I wanted to give up so many times, but I still made it through.
If any of you are having a hard time like I did. Please reach out to someone trusted and get the help you need. You all are wonderful and have an amazing impact on the world. You'll make it through this, I promise
16:48 the best tbh