1. Self esteem is based on what you do for others. 2. Don’t know what you need or want. 3. Lose yourself in relationships. 4. Can’t say no or set boundaries, can’t share feelings. 5. You attract people who are difficult to be with in a relationship. 6. Have a hard time letting go of abusive or dysfunctional people. 7. Expecting perfection from partners and not stating expectations.
My codependent friend/neighbor smothered me with overgiving/overfunctioning. I don't like feeling indebted. It feels transactional. When i asked her what i could do for her, she always said, "you just have to be my friend." UGH! She did not respect my boundaries. It's exhausting! I ended the friendship when i realized that trying to change her (don't come over every day) us codependent of ME!
Every time I hear this about myself it makes me emotional. This describes every relationship I’ve ever been in Which is why I stopped trying altogether now after 20 yrs I’m trying to date and I still draw the same personalities, the reaction to ceasing the connection is much quicker almost immediate but the pain of the loss of connection is still so deep. How do I strengthen myself from the disconnect?
I hear you, I’d suggest checking out Alanon or CODA, 12 step programs that help you heal these patterns. I know it can be disheartening but you can recover and learn how to trust and love yourself and in turn learn to pick healthier people. I have some free and paid resources on my website if you want to dive deeper ( and like writing ). I created a comprehensive workbook that might help too. Hang in there! You can recover!
I am sorry. Please look into healing your inner child and past wounds. There has been a lot of trauma. You would need to learn to love and believe you are worthy of everything you want. It would also help to cure the desperation and the people pleasing, feeling like you need to bend over backwards to keep pleasing the early caregiver or parent who never gave you the love that you deserved just for being a human.
I have become satisfied with my own company; after numerous confrontations with relatives of various personality behaviors, the boundaries I have set have brought them closer to one another and now IAM excluded from family gatherings. This is hurtful but I’m over it. My peace is more valuable, still working on healing. TY for replying
I’m confused on where I am in this . I’ve been told I’m codependent but I’m open with my feelings . I express myself a lot and tell people when I’m upset . But on the other hand I do a lot for others but mostly my loved ones and people close to me . I do have issues with boundaries . I do attracted toxic people but the whole time I’m fighting to keep my boundaries and I have no issues with cutting thing off but does take me a while to get there sometimes . I’ve been told I’m a very strong person and set my ground and hold onto them . I do set high standards for myself but I’m good with admitting I made a mistake or my down falls . I do try to help other all the time , I may over extend myself . I don’t mind being alone and at times rather be single. Anyhow I can connect with some areas of your list but not fulling . So would o still be codependent or something else . I’ve also looked into empathic . I’m not sure but do know I do need better boundaries with other and that’s where I go wrong . Trying to save everyone
Hey Christine, yeah it sounds like you may have some of the traits but not all of them. That's GREAT! I have a boundaries training that you might find helpful that I did with another therapist. counselingrecovery.lpages.co/boundariesmf
@@MichelleFarrismft thank you , I checked out the site and I really feel I do not connect with the listed traits . Thinking back into my past I had more issues with pushing people out of my life and being very disconnected. Even thought I will bend over backwards for the people I love and help others I feel need help that’s as far as I go . When it came to giving my heart that’s where I had issues . That’s been most of my issues up until now . So I really think I need to refocus and look further back into my past to fix where I’m at now in my life and I don’t think codependent is the right direction, but I could again be wrong . But just learning better boundaries , yes can be a positive , but don’t think this is going to fix what I needing to work on . Thank you again this really opened my eyes further into my self instead just letting others put a label on what I’m going through .
This sounds a lot like me, and I was in a marriage with a narcissist who was very mentally abusive. Your videos have been really helpful. I was wanting to ask about what a codependent person looks like who also has adhd? Which characteristics could be masks or look like the other?
You're not alone Sarah! The good news is that there are lots of resources I have in the description of this post on healing codependency. Plus I have lots more videos on this topic :)
Great question! Codependency recovery is about learning how to trust yourself and create mutually satisfying relationships which takes learning certain skills depending on where you need help. I’m actually finishing an online course on this now. Some want to try recovering in their own but many attend Al-Anon or Coda ( both 12 step programs ). Depends what you’re searching for 😄 hope that helps!
@@MichelleFarrismft it does thank you I've watched a few of your other videos for a bit of guidance in the right direction and they definitely helped. 😊
This was me years ago. I couldn't say "no." I've gotten out of my shell with lots of therapy. I was friends with the wrong people who were unfortunate than I was.
I hear you - there are many resources now on codependency - I have a free guide counselingrecovery.lpages.co/codependent-worksheets/ plus a new course coming out. You might want to consider Al-non or Coda ( 12 step programs ).
Nope, whatever traits speak to you is where you can focus your recovery. That's why codependency can be so confusing - it can look different on each person.
First - realizing that you may be codependent takes a lot of courage so congratulations. I’d suggest checking out Al-Anon for support and I have free and paid resources in the description of this video. The good news is that there is a lot you can do - start with focusing on the signs and symptoms that stand out to you right now. IDs always easier to work on where you are motivated. Hope that helps.
@MichelleFarrismft Thanks. Long story short, depression, anxiety attacks, substance abuse, loss of self, and almost lost my job. Still a long way ahead after 4 months.
you don't need to have all 7 signs, right? also, let me get this straight - the codependent is the one who seeks empathy for self worth, right? they're not the one GIVING empathy, they're the one wanting it.
No, you don't have to have all 7 - that's why some people don't think codependency relates to them - it can be in varying degrees. The codependent person seeks approval but they typically are the ones who GIVE the most empathy. Does that make sense? Great question by the way!
That's an interesting question - I don't know the numbers but it's pretty common when you come from a dysfunctional family. And there is definitely a continuum where you can have some symptoms or several. Hope that helps.
@@MichelleFarrismft Not all codependent people are necessarily empaths ، This is what makes the percentage of codependent people high 70% or more than that ، and What makes it worse is that those narcissists who Their percentage is 10% or less than that prey on the majority and destroy them , I pray to God that this broken world will rise up and realize its value away from the clutches of these narcissists 😍
Oh I feel you but it's great that you realize it because then some things will likely make more sense to you.Here's a video on recovery :)Codependency Recovery for Beginners ua-cam.com/video/FWqD2orDd5k/v-deo.html
Thank you for making this. I have been in recovery for codependency for 2 years and when someone asks me what that is I now want to send the video to them so they can understand. I don’t think the average person understands how much we suffer or why we do the things we do.
The potential to Pygmalion. Yikes! You mean we gotta deal with who they are today instead of who they might someday become? 😳 whoa - you mean I might be in it for the power trip? Uh oh.
1. Self esteem is based on what you do for others.
2. Don’t know what you need or want.
3. Lose yourself in relationships.
4. Can’t say no or set boundaries, can’t share feelings.
5. You attract people who are difficult to be with in a relationship.
6. Have a hard time letting go of abusive or dysfunctional people.
7. Expecting perfection from partners and not stating expectations.
Thanks for this - and for watching!
You’re so insightful and wonderful. Thank you for all you’re doing
Thank you Autie for watching. Codependency recovery takes a lot of courage so good for you for being willing to learn!
My codependent friend/neighbor smothered me with overgiving/overfunctioning. I don't like feeling indebted. It feels transactional. When i asked her what i could do for her, she always said, "you just have to be my friend." UGH! She did not respect my boundaries. It's exhausting! I ended the friendship when i realized that trying to change her (don't come over every day) us codependent of ME!
Yeah setting boundaries with someone who struggles with codependency IS tough. Sounds like you took care of yourself though :)
How was what she was doing bad?
@@Sarah-qx4vz Unwanted and intrusive. It was transactional for my friendship.
Every time I hear this about myself it makes me emotional. This describes every relationship I’ve ever been in Which is why I stopped trying altogether now after 20 yrs I’m trying to date and I still draw the same personalities, the reaction to ceasing the connection is much quicker almost immediate but the pain of the loss of connection is still so deep. How do I strengthen myself from the disconnect?
I hear you, I’d suggest checking out Alanon or CODA, 12 step programs that help you heal these patterns. I know it can be disheartening but you can recover and learn how to trust and love yourself and in turn learn to pick healthier people. I have some free and paid resources on my website if you want to dive deeper ( and like writing ). I created a comprehensive workbook that might help too. Hang in there! You can recover!
I am sorry. Please look into healing your inner child and past wounds. There has been a lot of trauma. You would need to learn to love and believe you are worthy of everything you want. It would also help to cure the desperation and the people pleasing, feeling like you need to bend over backwards to keep pleasing the early caregiver or parent who never gave you the love that you deserved just for being a human.
I have become satisfied with my own company; after numerous confrontations with relatives of various personality behaviors, the boundaries I have set have brought them closer to one another and now IAM excluded from family gatherings. This is hurtful but I’m over it. My peace is more valuable, still working on healing. TY for replying
@noteworthysista3135 absolutely!
Thanks so much in helping me understand myself better.
Karen
Thank you for taking the time! I have lots more on this topic - ua-cam.com/video/dfn_kATqNMw/v-deo.htmlfeature=shared
I got hit by this video like a ton of bricks falling from a skyscraper straight to my chest. Thank you so much.
Yeah, I can relate - sounds like you are really open to healing! Good for you! I have lots more on codependency :)
I’m confused on where I am in this . I’ve been told I’m codependent but I’m open with my feelings . I express myself a lot and tell people when I’m upset . But on the other hand I do a lot for others but mostly my loved ones and people close to me . I do have issues with boundaries . I do attracted toxic people but the whole time I’m fighting to keep my boundaries and I have no issues with cutting thing off but does take me a while to get there sometimes . I’ve been told I’m a very strong person and set my ground and hold onto them . I do set high standards for myself but I’m good with admitting I made a mistake or my down falls . I do try to help other all the time , I may over extend myself . I don’t mind being alone and at times rather be single.
Anyhow I can connect with some areas of your list but not fulling . So would o still be codependent or something else . I’ve also looked into empathic . I’m not sure but do know I do need better boundaries with other and that’s where I go wrong . Trying to save everyone
Hey Christine, yeah it sounds like you may have some of the traits but not all of them. That's GREAT! I have a boundaries training that you might find helpful that I did with another therapist. counselingrecovery.lpages.co/boundariesmf
@@MichelleFarrismft thank you , I checked out the site and I really feel I do not connect with the listed traits . Thinking back into my past I had more issues with pushing people out of my life and being very disconnected. Even thought I will bend over backwards for the people I love and help others I feel need help that’s as far as I go . When it came to giving my heart that’s where I had issues . That’s been most of my issues up until now . So I really think I need to refocus and look further back into my past to fix where I’m at now in my life and I don’t think codependent is the right direction, but I could again be wrong . But just learning better boundaries , yes can be a positive , but don’t think this is going to fix what I needing to work on . Thank you again this really opened my eyes further into my self instead just letting others put a label on what I’m going through .
Sorry i just read your comment and i can relate to your statement. I always look at the good of people but for family its different
This sounds a lot like me, and I was in a marriage with a narcissist who was very mentally abusive. Your videos have been really helpful. I was wanting to ask about what a codependent person looks like who also has adhd? Which characteristics could be masks or look like the other?
Thanks for watching.It's hard to say because each person is unique in how they present.
One thing I would say is codependent ripple tend to have a hard time sitting still and some of that could be anxiety and overlap into ADD.
Yeah. I’m codependent. Damnit.
You're not alone Sarah! The good news is that there are lots of resources I have in the description of this post on healing codependency. Plus I have lots more videos on this topic :)
I always had suspicions that i could be slightly codependent but after watching this im realizing im highly codependent. How do i fix this?
Great question! Codependency recovery is about learning how to trust yourself and create mutually satisfying relationships which takes learning certain skills depending on where you need help. I’m actually finishing an online course on this now. Some want to try recovering in their own but many attend Al-Anon or Coda ( both 12 step programs ). Depends what you’re searching for 😄 hope that helps!
@@MichelleFarrismft it does thank you I've watched a few of your other videos for a bit of guidance in the right direction and they definitely helped. 😊
@@samivienneau4696 Al-Anon is a wonderful way to get support around these issues.
@@MichelleFarrismft what exactly is al anon I know the anon part means anonymous but what's the first part stand for?
@@samivienneau4696 great question - it’s taken from Alcoholics Anonymous. The exact meaning I’m not clear on.
i can relate some of it but not all of them i thought or suspected that i might be codepenent
Yeah that’s okay, identifying what isn’t working helps you know what to work on. Thanks for watching!
@@MichelleFarrismft thank you
@@nikiyoussef55 you are very welcome! 🙏 have a playlist on codependency too. Feel free to check it out.
@@MichelleFarrismft ok
I can avoid dealing with my own stuff if I’m too busy managing theirs.
Dho!
YES! That's is the problem isn't it?
This was me years ago. I couldn't say "no." I've gotten out of my shell with lots of therapy. I was friends with the wrong people who were unfortunate than I was.
That's great - yeah therapy is a great tool for healing these patterns because they run deep. Thanks for watching!
I’m so co dependent and I’m tired 😢
I hear you - there are many resources now on codependency - I have a free guide counselingrecovery.lpages.co/codependent-worksheets/ plus a new course coming out. You might want to consider Al-non or Coda ( 12 step programs ).
Thank you
You are SO welcome!!
Do you have to have all 7?
Nope, whatever traits speak to you is where you can focus your recovery. That's why codependency can be so confusing - it can look different on each person.
Thank you. I enjoy your videos.
@@loriobrien5997 that's so nice to hear - I'll be posting another one on the positive traits codependency today so watch for it!
Wow oh wow
Yeah this is a big ah ha when you start to see it.
Uhm…. So I think I’m codependent, and I’m afraid my best friend is too. How do we get out of this crazy news?
First - realizing that you may be codependent takes a lot of courage so congratulations. I’d suggest checking out Al-Anon for support and I have free and paid resources in the description of this video. The good news is that there is a lot you can do - start with focusing on the signs and symptoms that stand out to you right now. IDs always easier to work on where you are motivated. Hope that helps.
Brilliant
Thanks Judy! I’m so glad you found it helpful.
This is so me. And I dated a borderline for 15 years.
I feel for you....
@MichelleFarrismft Thanks. Long story short, depression, anxiety attacks, substance abuse, loss of self, and almost lost my job. Still a long way ahead after 4 months.
Hang in there - I hope you have plenty of support! @@EnFyr
Omg I have them all
You’re not alone. The fact that you can identify them is shows a lot of awareness! Keep at it - baby steps count too!
you don't need to have all 7 signs, right?
also, let me get this straight - the codependent is the one who seeks empathy for self worth, right? they're not the one GIVING empathy, they're the one wanting it.
No, you don't have to have all 7 - that's why some people don't think codependency relates to them - it can be in varying degrees. The codependent person seeks approval but they typically are the ones who GIVE the most empathy. Does that make sense? Great question by the way!
@@MichelleFarrismft some don't really give empathy, but enjoy pleasing them or enjoy having approval, that's all.
@@fortun8diamond yes that’s true.
This is me.
You’re in the right place! I do lots of videos on this topic!
What percent of people are codependent ?
That's an interesting question - I don't know the numbers but it's pretty common when you come from a dysfunctional family. And there is definitely a continuum where you can have some symptoms or several. Hope that helps.
@@MichelleFarrismft
They are often empaths who have turned into codependents and The percentage of empathetic people is small .
@@MichelleFarrismft
Not all codependent people are necessarily empaths ، This is what makes the percentage of codependent people high 70% or more than that ، and What makes it worse is that those narcissists who Their percentage is 10% or less than that prey on the majority and destroy them , I pray to God that this broken world will rise up and realize its value away from the clutches of these narcissists 😍
All we can do is focus on healing ourselves and recognize where we Do have choice.
@@Rys12.3-4_5
Crap 😢😢 I am totally codependent
Oh I feel you but it's great that you realize it because then some things will likely make more sense to you.Here's a video on recovery :)Codependency Recovery for Beginners ua-cam.com/video/FWqD2orDd5k/v-deo.html
Thank you for making this. I have been in recovery for codependency for 2 years and when someone asks me what that is I now want to send the video to them so they can understand. I don’t think the average person understands how much we suffer or why we do the things we do.
@@MsKnaz100 I agree, my goal is to explain it in simple terms so you can really understand how it applies to you - thanks Kim! I'm so glad it helped!
Yelp😢
Thanks Alicia!!
The potential to Pygmalion. Yikes! You mean we gotta deal with who they are today instead of who they might someday become? 😳 whoa - you mean I might be in it for the power trip? Uh oh.
But everybody loves a good transformation story.
Maybe the transformation I should make is in myself?!? Aaahhh uuuhmm… oh. Ok. 👌 ✅
You got it! That's the only person you have control over!@@brightpage1020