It's so easy to become focused on being independent that you forget that there is a next step after growing from being co-dependent to independent, becoming interdependent. Growing together is much better than growing alone.
Disagree. Loneliness is more crushing, in many ways, than anything other people could bestow upon you. Burying your face in the sand and pretending you don't need others is the best way to lose all interests in living. It may be hard to understand, And I get it if you think it sounds absurd, but you really do need people around you, and not just the ones you love. Your ennemies, rivals, and other assholes are just as important as your family or your lover. Friends teach you what you want to know, ennemies teach you what you need to know. If you have no foes, ennemies or just people you hate, then you're doing something wrong.
Really? This is the very first time I have heard anything that even remotely points to insecurity within a relationship as a, dare I say positive quality or disposition. I mean people use the term as a means of put down on a regular basis. I know codependent isn't good and the goal is interdependent but feeling insecure in a relationship has got to be one of the most uncomfortable feelings to feel when you are in a long term relationship like marriage. My husband for example is so independent that he struts around like he doesn't need me for anything, at all, ever. I do a majority of the house stuff because we both discussed my desire to stay home with our kids and we agreed on the benefits which worked out great for our three now adult kids and is a bit more challenging for our 7 yr old especially with the current crazy not my "new norm" and we agreed that being at home was best. But now after 30 years, he brings in a majority of the income, purchases whatever he wants when he wants which leaves me no gift giving options all year and he can certainly get by without me in the area of house work so I often feel like I'm pretty much an unnecessary partner in all areas except the kids and unfortunately I feel like a convenience rather than a desired choice in the only area that seems to differentiate friendship from marriage. Only I feel like our friendship is lacking the friend part most of the time. Anyway if that is correct, about insecurity meaning that you don't take them or your relationship with them for granted then thats cool. Thanks
FranklyMe NoneYa I also identified with feelings of being a disregarded, under/unvalued and, over time, undesired person in my marriage. Raising our daughter and running the household didn’t seem to have much value when compared to paying the bills. When I would try to talk about these frustrations and my growing sense of isolation and unhappiness, the response I received was that I was foolish, overly sensitive, and that any sense of belittling I was making all up in my head. It was then that the roots of anger and resentment seemed to cement inside my heart. Hope was replaced with jadedness in what a fool I was in believing this union to be a mutually agreed upon partnership, rooted in trust and respect. I often didn’t know who to loathe more, myself for being so naive, or my spouse for being so disengenuine. What followed was my head dive into a year of autopilot infidelity. I allowed hardly any thought or question to the selfishness of my actions, the real dangers and health risks of my reckless meetups or the physical and mental affects it would have on my spouse if he found out. And it never even occurred to me the emotional effects it would have on me, even he never found out. Naturally, He did find out, and the year that followed that was filled with soul-shattering guilt, shame and confusion over why I acted with such disregard. My actions absolved him of any responsibility for any faults in our relationship and gave him carte Blanche to treat me as cruelly as he liked. There were some very dark moments in that year that I almost didn’t survive. Now, it’s been a year since my divorce, a divorce that I faced with no legal representation as I didn’t feel I deserved anything even close to fairness or compassion at the time. Now, with the space a year allows, Im able to reflect and gain some understanding. To slowly rebuild love for myself, forgiveness and acceptance towards my ex, and strive to resemble the strong mother I once was for my daughter. Honest reflection is hard and this video in particular brought a lot of clarity for me. I wish we could have seen the mutual “love and longing” hiding behind our defensive posturings, but all I can do is grow from the hindsight. Outside of my sister and 1 close friend I’ve never shared this before. Thanks for giving me the opportunity. I’m not sure if any of my story is helpful to you, but if nothing else maybe it’s a little entertaining, and that’s something I suppose. Take care
@@cristapryor7316 I can't even say just yet how much your story has helped me but know it is a confirmation of something that I want to believe and I actually just said to a very close friend which is that "I know deep inside that he dose love me and I know I love him we just don't manage to communicate with each other well at all". So if you look back and see that you both did have love you just couldn't see it at the time that is my confirmation to stay in the game and remind my partner that its him and I against the world and not him and I against eachother. Thank you.
More people should know about these videos. This is a form of education. These videos are so soothing to watch and listen to, but they're also extremely helpful in helping me understand what being human is. Thank you. I also love that you're giving out this content for free.
Hi, Opening up and making yourself vulnerable is one of the hardest things anyone can do,it's our natural inclination to avoid putting yourself in a weakened position where you could be hurt but it's necessary for really getting to know another person. It can be extremely stressful and frightening but it's the only way to make a real and lasting connection.Good Luck. Thanks.
Michael Pesavento The other key factor is that the other person has to be willing to open themselves up and be vulnerable. And that is a very rare thing.
At this stage, you are ensuring that outcome. However, have you ever noticed certain people that exude love, gentleness, and care for all without judgement? They are rare and precious individuals that I wish I could be strong enough to become. The key is to openly offer charity, which is the highest order of love. Modern life has degraded this term to mean tossing a few coins at a beggar, but this is wrong. Charity is loving freely without the expectation of love in return. This doesn't mean they don't need love, but those people flocking to them like a moth to a flame not only crave the love freely offered, but feel safe enough to love them without fear of consequence. This is one optional path you can take. The other is to recognize that you may try to befriend a hundred people and be painfully rejected by all but one. However, the one will be worth enduring the other 99. We're all afraid, we're all broken, we all have specific needs and should and cannot force others to conform to fulfill. And it's okay. Especially if you walk away wiser, not bitter, wary or more fearful. You ought to be better suited to spotting a good soul amongst the unsavory ones. You cannot change or save any soul from themselves, so don't try. There are no fixer-uppers. Perhaps most importantly, do not worry about finding Mrs. or Mr. Right. Focus all your attentions at BECOMING Mrs. or Mr. Right. When you are at the right place in life- emotionally, psychologically, physiologically, socially- the right person will be drawn to you, as like attracts like. Good luck.
I felt the same way at some point but after seeing how people have been treating each other in the year of 2016 with the senseless killings based on people's beliefs and preferences, I'm starting to feel maybe we should all just ignore each other and seclude ourselves from one another.
People who always criticize, question, accuse or doubt you, are not able to love you. They may have formed a strong emotional attachment, but they're not yet capable of mature love. These types of behaviors reflect profound insecurity, due to being rejected/abused/neglected by parents, and they can quickly morph into emotional abuse towards partners. Even if you care deeply for them, you cannot fulfill their profound need for long term therapeutic support and guidance.
This is not necessarily true. It's just that people who have been abused and, in turn, abuse, are the type of people who require people around them who will not show even the slightest sign of betrayal. 'Once bitten, twice shy' is a common saying for a reason. They are willing to love someone else but if the person they show their love to betrays them in the slightest, they lash out from frustration. It may be immature in that their expectations are too high - agreed, but should they be able to meet such a loyal person, they could possibly be the most loving partner anyone could ever have. It just takes the right kind of person.
Jason G No. Irrational accusations and lashing out are sure signs of emotional instability in an adult. We're not talking about teenagers acting out. A common excuse is "I just need to find someone who won't betray me". Just another way of saying " It's not me, it's them...". Whether you're the "victim" or the "abuser" - its never a healthy relationship.
I can't even put into words how hard this hits for me. It is comforting to know that I'm not the only one who processes emotions and feelings and such in the same way.
I have no problem being a better, more understanding human being. The problem is that other people are not... people like that aren't going to be watching these kinds of videos either. And that's the thing Amor. Women LOVE you when you don't give any fucks about yourself but can accept their vulnerabilities, but show ONE vulnerable moment yourself and they treat you like dirt. Pussy is easy, relationships aren't. Pussy alone just isn't fulfilling or worth it. Aff is right. Ignore women, acquire currency.
Sol wow. you too seem to have some serious problems. id like u to stop generalizing women please, im sure theres sb out there with whom having a relationship is just as easy as a one night stand and love will seem much more worth than some amount of money.
Tempelton Amor would you stop? dont use slurs like that under respectable comments please. furthermore, why is jerking off a bad thing? it has health benefits and definatly doesnt make you any less of a man or woman. also geting laid nither defines your manlihood nor your success in other domains.
@@twilightincosmos Oh I’ve tried. No one makes any effort to connect with anyone anymore, because of how incredibly disconnected we’ve become, thanks to technology…
I watched this video and eventually realised what went wrong with every single human interaction I have ever had.Though I now know how to correct those flaws,I feel like I still can't.But I'm glad I found out this channel.Probably this will get lost into the comments,but I don't care.I'm such a loner that I don't have a actual person to tell my thoughts.So I'm putting them here,to get lost into a sea of words.
I find this comment interesting because yes there is a sea of words but there are millions of people in the world and this video will be on the internet for years and years to come-someones bound to read it:) (like me) So dont doubt speaking your mind-you might help someone you will never meet I also agree with that ive basically messed up every human interaction until now-but im ready to learn to get better
@@rastabincoolie1honestly, i've totally forgotten that i posted this comment. i was in a very dark place 4 years ago, it's impressive what properties time has. it all got better. i'm in a much better place now, both mentally and physically. don't underestimate the power of communication. take your time, take it slow. feel your emotions as they're one with you. everything gets better.
Brene Brown's research clearly discredits the supposition that we MUST be defended. Being vulnerable is the key to the greatest success in all sorts of life.
The reasons for your partner to act in a weird way can be different, and not always indicate a fear of intimacy. It is very important to communicate and tell the other person how we feel, what we want, also understand their reasons. Sometimes people reject us, because somewhere deep down we believe we're not worthy of a loving relationships. These traumas have to be a healed in order to have a loving relationship.
What issue are you avoiding? What's the worse that can happen? I think the worse thing you can do is not live the life have been given.. .which is pretty much what you are doing. Pain, joy, suffering, love... all of these emotions are important to experience because they let you know you're alive. You don't think you can handle it? Maybe you should try it and find out. Death will come around quicker than you think; so you might as well give living a go.
Luke Vanni Nah I was just kidding. But I do like video games. Sometimes I wish I could devote my life to playing games and having fun. It really is something I enjoy. I've got nothing to hide from except maybe responsibilities which we can all agree, can go suck a donkey. Life's OKAY, but I think it's overrated just as romantic love is just an exaggeration of a cool kind of bond feeling. It's all GOOD, but it's not like we have to breathe the air and admire the mountains like we are in a poem. I just want to pwn noobs in COD
You might have been kidding but there are a whole lot of people who live like that. I think everything needs to be in balance. Games and play are about escaping reality. It's good to do that for a while but if you do it all the time I think you start to lose connection with reality and this can affect your ability to engage in reality effectively. Responsibilities are good for you. They help you to grow and find purpose. Life is how you react to what's in front of you. Whether you believe it's 'overrated' or not depends on what your expectations were in the first place and whether it's living up to your expectations. Maybe you need to change your expectations. You could define romantic love as an 'exaggeration of a cool kind of bond feeling'. This removes the connotations that going with 'being in love' etc. and if you want to be rid of those that's your choice. I think you should go volunteer for a youth homeless shelter and feed people or something. Go and do something that takes you out of yourself and out of your game while helping others at the same time. Up to you.
Such a beautiful message. Sometimes we are so consumed by our own inner struggles, that we are unable to see our partners have their own inner struggles to deal with as well.
+Jesusdied 4Uyme Well from the start I don't really believe in it beacuse I just find it impossible to happen like Noahs ark and other things but thats just my opinion.I'm glad that you have been a very respectful person that hasn't insulted me for not believing in god.Like I don't deny the fact that religion has done good things but has also done bad things.But I also don't dismiss the fact that there may be a chance of a superior being.I just need evidence and proof or photos
You just laid out in four minutes concepts that I took months of hard inflection to figure out and just finally nailed down less than a week ago. Good job.
Is it weird that I feel like it's too much of a bother to search for a partner and invest time and energy into a relationship? I don't even feel lonely or anything, but everyone around me seems so desperate for attention and love that sometimes I wonder why I don't feel like that...
It is not weird. It is just you :) Just because someone else is desperate fpr attention, it does not mean that you need. If you are fine living without a relationship then it is perfectly fine. I mean, if it is your destiny then you will find you partner anyway sometime, and it will not matter if you spend your time before that on searching him or her. Just live the way you are feeling comfortable and don't try to live like others feel comfortable, the rest will come with on power :)
Im in my 20s and Ive never been in a relationship. It doesnt bother me until people start asking and getting surprised as though they are insisting that I should feel abnormal and lonely when I really dont. It used to be funny when people used to speculate about my gender but right now that they are more serious in judging, I kind of feel strange and sometimes, pressured to find someone.
I did not find my husband until I was 26. We were married before I turned 27. I had had no serious mutually interested relationship before that. To this day, we are still married. We still love each other, and we're learning to try to communicate on a deeper level. My husband has been the main bread winner of the family, and I have been the stay home Mom. These videos are helping me find words to make a fuller, deeper, more satisfying relationship. :) What you do not see, is how long this has taken for me to find and type the words written here. They may seem like they flow on the paper/screen, but it is difficult to make each word come out at times. :)
If they teach this at school there won't be such a high divorce rate now a day. This Channel is the best thing ever created on UA-cam. Thank you so much for your effort.
this channel saved me from the chaos and willing to go to psychiatrist ! when everything in us is really simple and manageable by just knowledge . I repeated every video multiple times while taking notes. can't thank you enough❤
In relationships I've always been one to know what I'm feeling, and tell my partner about it. I've never had do deal with these sort of problems, at least not for long before communicating about it. It really is a great thing and I would recommend the same level of communication with anyone you're close to, especially your lovers. Talking to them about it is often a symbol of trust, and confiding in your partner, which will strengthen your bond.
After a fight with my bf today I spent some time googling to find out why I could be so controlling in a relationship, I found nothing that really helped me understand. Then, I see this, and things make sense now. Thank you.
these videos are so dense in content, yet are calming. a lot of work must have gone into making informative yet soothing content. I am so grateful to have found them.
Watching your videos have helped me understand and deal with my social awkwardness and fear of intimacy. Speaking in public still gives me a near heart attack but I'm learning to cope thanks to your videos. Keep up the good work
Always pleasant, always thoughtful. These simple videos shed light on the things we so often overlook in ourselves. Thanks for taking the time to share with us all what might have taken years to find alone.
This is a big problem for me, but at the same time, there's a fear that I wouldn't be rejected and that the relationship would blossom even more. That scares me a bit more. I could understand someone hurting me or rejecting being my friend or me as a person, but to actually want to be my friend and want to love me strikes me as odd.
This video brought tears into my eyes. I have struggled getting closer to anyone. Letting people in seems like a nightmare. Since childhood I have always feared of getting too close. This video shows that it's a sign of well being. I'll try to explain rather than defending myself. Recently I have had very hard time getting closer to a certain someone. I lost that person. I discovered that I need to open up much more and get closer. I really appreciate this video. This is one of the things that I really want to work upon. School of Life you guys have shed light on many aspects of emotional intelligence that I can't thank you enough.
Yes!!! Understanding attachment styles is so critical in relationships. Most people will sooner brand their partners as crazy than realize the source of their freaky behaviors - insecurity rooted in toxic past experiences, anxiety, a miscommunication of love, etc etc.
I am so amazed. And you guys are SO RIGHT: it's almost annoying but So So BEAUTIFUL because they stick to the point and then drive it home so ruthlessly
Vulnerability means the ability to be wounded. It is a mistake to think we can be vulnerable and not get hurt. You will get hurt. When you open yourself up to love and tenderness, the chance for pain comes along too. It is unavoidable. So, what is the solution? My thought is: learn to tolerate the pain, learn to manage it. Become aware that it isn't your partner who is hurting you, rather, they do things that trigger old wounds that lie within us. When we say we don't trust someone not to hurt us, what we are really say is: I don't trust myself to be able to cope with my hurt feelings. Once we are able to manage these hurt feelings in a mature fashion, withdrawing from contact if need be for a while, setting appropriate boundaries, etc, then we can see that the pain we feel isn't the end of the world, and in fact, points the way to our healing. As an example close to home: if you fear being abandoned, are anxious over any sign that your partner might not love you, and then your partner does something that triggers that feeling: doesn't response in a timely fashion, flirts with someone at a party, etc, we can attack them, rail against them, express our hurt by blaming them, make them responsible for our pain, and become a victim, powerless and broken (all guaranteed to push them further away). Or, we can step back and take care of ourselves, nurture ourselves, not abandon ourselves. We can remember that our partner may be distant because they are going through something, wrestling with their own demons, or engaging in playful flirtatious behaviour that is normal to mammals and still absolutely love us. Then, this pain we feel becomes a stepping off point for us to practise more self love and to heal this abandonment wound ourselves. When we have calmed down we can tell our partner about our feelings without blame and if necessary ask for a small shift in behaviour. Such requests, given with respect and tenderness and without blame have a chance to land, be heard, and responded to. If the person refuses to honour our requests, we can see we tried in a mature fashion and perhaps set a boundary, stepping back from the relationship for a time and not abandoning ourselves.
I have no words to describe what and how much your videos have helped me through tough times always. I can related to every single line you guys have written in every video of yours. I am Thankful that you guys exists to help people like me who are afraid to ask for it to anyone even from their loved one's and family.
I was raised by very judgemental narcissistic parents and I moved out of my country to get away from them. Now, I don't want people to get too close and know me very well, because I fear being judged and criticized The anxiety is through the roof.
Wow. Sounds very similar to my life. Except I moved down the street instead. I wish you luck in your journey. I just got in a new relationship and boy can't she tell that I'm not an open book. She'll be alright, all good things never happen overnight. I'll get there Just not today🤷🏾♀️
Same. I moved to another town, and am now pretty much no contact. Ive never had sex or a relationship. Im starting to feel though that i could one day, but it will need to be with someone very kind and understanding, and everything will need to go quite slowly. I also am overweighy anr have a lot of body image issues, though, so that's another thing to deal with.
Learning this much about relationships with people have caused me to become a bit more distant than I was before but because of that I think of my life more,consider my choices much more and try to live my life so that least horrible outcome comes out,so thank you school of life for this. Sigh if you only you could teach grammar
If youtube had a "Love!" option, apart from like and dislike, I would press it in almost every one of your videos. Excellent work. Touching and inspiring. Thank you, guys.
Can you please do a video on isolation and loneliness? Feeling one does not connect to most other people, no sense of community, and is lacking in real friends. Your videos help me so much, thank you so much
Kudos to the singularly thoughtful and relevant Alain de Botton: his understanding of the human condition and modern life has helped me enormously. And, what's more, his insights are accessible to everyone, and always so elegantly phrased. Thank you so much.
“If you take a risk, time may prove you wrong. The relationship may not turn out to be what you thought it would. The other may not, after all, be your soulmate. But if you never make a commitment, you will always be alone. Failure to find love is, in one case, a possibility, while in the other - it is certain. A soulmate is not simply someone who is a good match but someone we are committed to and who is committed to us.”
I am looking for a lot of answers caused by a confusing break up and your channel is unbelievably eye opening. There’s always two sides to look at everything but rather than throwing everything out the window I am hoping for a second chance to see what we could have the potential to be with that growth I have been going through. Thank you
Great video guys! Your videos have helped me immensely over the last year to be better at understanding my emotions and determining why I act the way I do. Shout out from Canada!
I'm really interested in the way you write these essays. I like them a lot and often desire to create such a piece of art myself :) keep on doing what you do, many enjoy it a lot!
We're so pleased you like what we're doing. And thanks for this question. We focus on the big problems in an area (like why is it so hard to have an Ok relationship) and work with the assumption that is is a really nice person who has this difficulty.
I'm an anxious person and I have what I think is an avoidant partner. I just watched this video before talking with her about continuing our relationship. Thank you. Wish me luck.
Thank you so much for this video. I'm always afraid to let people get close to me, because I feel that they won't like me anymore. But then I saw this quote online that said "you want to be perfect so that no one leaves you. But be your totally imperfect self and see who shows up." I have a crush on this one guy, and I think he has a crush on me to. I'll just be my flawed self and hope that he still likes me for it.
I've been in relationships where the women consistently weaponized information, feelings , etc. I shared with them against me. I learned in time to keep my mouth shut, and forget about having any kind of meaningful relationship with them. I was not confused by their narcissism, I did not lose my sanity in the process, just that it's wiser to keep one's guard up and maintain safe distances from certain people until they could be put in the rear view mirror. I didn't understand narcissism as well as I do today, but at the same time I knew I wasn't the problem regarding these actions they took. I also learned that they did this before with the previous men in their lives, and no doubt would go on to doing this to the next guy.
It's so easy to become focused on being independent that you forget that there is a next step after growing from being co-dependent to independent, becoming interdependent. Growing together is much better than growing alone.
well that too of course.
That's beautiful 😄
+Tempelton Amor lmao
I agree in some points, Mr. Tempelton.
Disagree.
Loneliness is more crushing, in many ways, than anything other people could bestow upon you.
Burying your face in the sand and pretending you don't need others is the best way to lose all interests in living.
It may be hard to understand, And I get it if you think it sounds absurd, but you really do need people around you, and not just the ones you love.
Your ennemies, rivals, and other assholes are just as important as your family or your lover.
Friends teach you what you want to know, ennemies teach you what you need to know.
If you have no foes, ennemies or just people you hate, then you're doing something wrong.
"Insecurity in love is a sign of well-being; it means we haven't allowed ourselves to take someone else for granted "❤
Really? This is the very first time I have heard anything that even remotely points to insecurity within a relationship as a, dare I say positive quality or disposition. I mean people use the term as a means of put down on a regular basis. I know codependent isn't good and the goal is interdependent but feeling insecure in a relationship has got to be one of the most uncomfortable feelings to feel when you are in a long term relationship like marriage. My husband for example is so independent that he struts around like he doesn't need me for anything, at all, ever. I do a majority of the house stuff because we both discussed my desire to stay home with our kids and we agreed on the benefits which worked out great for our three now adult kids and is a bit more challenging for our 7 yr old especially with the current crazy not my "new norm" and we agreed that being at home was best. But now after 30 years, he brings in a majority of the income, purchases whatever he wants when he wants which leaves me no gift giving options all year and he can certainly get by without me in the area of house work so I often feel like I'm pretty much an unnecessary partner in all areas except the kids and unfortunately I feel like a convenience rather than a desired choice in the only area that seems to differentiate friendship from marriage. Only I feel like our friendship is lacking the friend part most of the time. Anyway if that is correct, about insecurity meaning that you don't take them or your relationship with them for granted then thats cool.
Thanks
FranklyMe NoneYa I also identified with feelings of being a disregarded, under/unvalued and, over time, undesired person in my marriage. Raising our daughter and running the household didn’t seem to have much value when compared to paying the bills. When I would try to talk about these frustrations and my growing sense of isolation and unhappiness, the response I received was that I was foolish, overly sensitive, and that any sense of belittling I was making all up in my head. It was then that the roots of anger and resentment seemed to cement inside my heart. Hope was replaced with jadedness in what a fool I was in believing this union to be a mutually agreed upon partnership, rooted in trust and respect. I often didn’t know who to loathe more, myself for being so naive, or my spouse for being so disengenuine. What followed was my head dive into a year of autopilot infidelity. I allowed hardly any thought or question to the selfishness of my actions, the real dangers and health risks of my reckless meetups or the physical and mental affects it would have on my spouse if he found out. And it never even occurred to me the emotional effects it would have on me, even he never found out. Naturally, He did find out, and the year that followed that was filled with soul-shattering guilt, shame and confusion over why I acted with such disregard. My actions absolved him of any responsibility for any faults in our relationship and gave him carte Blanche to treat me as cruelly as he liked. There were some very dark moments in that year that I almost didn’t survive. Now, it’s been a year since my divorce, a divorce that I faced with no legal representation as I didn’t feel I deserved anything even close to fairness or compassion at the time. Now, with the space a year allows, Im able to reflect and gain some understanding. To slowly rebuild love for myself, forgiveness and acceptance towards my ex, and strive to resemble the strong mother I once was for my daughter. Honest reflection is hard and this video in particular brought a lot of clarity for me. I wish we could have seen the mutual “love and longing” hiding behind our defensive posturings, but all I can do is grow from the hindsight. Outside of my sister and 1 close friend I’ve never shared this before. Thanks for giving me the opportunity. I’m not sure if any of my story is helpful to you, but if nothing else maybe it’s a little entertaining, and that’s something I suppose. Take care
@@cristapryor7316
I can't even say just yet how much your story has helped me but know it is a confirmation of something that I want to believe and I actually just said to a very close friend which is that "I know deep inside that he dose love me and I know I love him we just don't manage to communicate with each other well at all". So if you look back and see that you both did have love you just couldn't see it at the time that is my confirmation to stay in the game and remind my partner that its him and I against the world and not him and I against eachother. Thank you.
FranklyMe NoneYa I’m worried about this happening
@@mominator69 tbf insecurity in love is far better than taking other half for granted.
More people should know about these videos. This is a form of education. These videos are so soothing to watch and listen to, but they're also extremely helpful in helping me understand what being human is. Thank you. I also love that you're giving out this content for free.
I'm glad we share the same perspective!
I know they say 3 is a crowd, but I agree with both of you as well.
Sad when it seems the reinforced education is worse than the free, unattended to, wealth of education on the internet.
Soothing yes that's the term, this video gave me life
I'm so scared to ever enter a relationship and open up that I'm afraid I never will.
I've reached the point in my life that I know I'll never be in a loving relationship. Welcome to the Suck.
Hi, Opening up and making yourself vulnerable is one of the hardest things anyone can do,it's our natural inclination to avoid putting yourself in a weakened position where you could be hurt but it's necessary for really getting to know another person. It can be extremely stressful and frightening but it's the only way to make a real and lasting connection.Good Luck. Thanks.
Michael Pesavento The other key factor is that the other person has to be willing to open themselves up and be vulnerable. And that is a very rare thing.
Michael Pesavento Thanks Michael
At this stage, you are ensuring that outcome. However, have you ever noticed certain people that exude love, gentleness, and care for all without judgement? They are rare and precious individuals that I wish I could be strong enough to become. The key is to openly offer charity, which is the highest order of love. Modern life has degraded this term to mean tossing a few coins at a beggar, but this is wrong. Charity is loving freely without the expectation of love in return. This doesn't mean they don't need love, but those people flocking to them like a moth to a flame not only crave the love freely offered, but feel safe enough to love them without fear of consequence. This is one optional path you can take.
The other is to recognize that you may try to befriend a hundred people and be painfully rejected by all but one. However, the one will be worth enduring the other 99. We're all afraid, we're all broken, we all have specific needs and should and cannot force others to conform to fulfill. And it's okay. Especially if you walk away wiser, not bitter, wary or more fearful. You ought to be better suited to spotting a good soul amongst the unsavory ones. You cannot change or save any soul from themselves, so don't try. There are no fixer-uppers.
Perhaps most importantly, do not worry about finding Mrs. or Mr. Right. Focus all your attentions at BECOMING Mrs. or Mr. Right. When you are at the right place in life- emotionally, psychologically, physiologically, socially- the right person will be drawn to you, as like attracts like.
Good luck.
Not just in relationships, we're also distant from one another in society at large...
because we are all assholes
Cure: punch people's arms.
Hi,And because we have lost our deep connection to each other as humans. Thanks.
I felt the same way at some point but after seeing how people have been treating each other in the year of 2016 with the senseless killings based on people's beliefs and preferences, I'm starting to feel maybe we should all just ignore each other and seclude ourselves from one another.
Disagree
People who always criticize, question, accuse or doubt you, are not able to love you. They may have formed a strong emotional attachment, but they're not yet capable of mature love. These types of behaviors reflect profound insecurity, due to being rejected/abused/neglected by parents, and they can quickly morph into emotional abuse towards partners. Even if you care deeply for them, you cannot fulfill their profound need for long term therapeutic support and guidance.
This is not necessarily true. It's just that people who have been abused and, in turn, abuse, are the type of people who require people around them who will not show even the slightest sign of betrayal. 'Once bitten, twice shy' is a common saying for a reason. They are willing to love someone else but if the person they show their love to betrays them in the slightest, they lash out from frustration. It may be immature in that their expectations are too high - agreed, but should they be able to meet such a loyal person, they could possibly be the most loving partner anyone could ever have. It just takes the right kind of person.
Jason G No. Irrational accusations and lashing out are sure signs of emotional instability in an adult. We're not talking about teenagers acting out. A common excuse is "I just need to find someone who won't betray me". Just another way of saying " It's not me, it's them...". Whether you're the "victim" or the "abuser" - its never a healthy relationship.
so true..
This can be the next School of life clip.. Very good point.
Then you want a perfect tart. Thats good for you.
I can't even put into words how hard this hits for me. It is comforting to know that I'm not the only one who processes emotions and feelings and such in the same way.
you guys help me become a better understanding human being every day. thank you.
+
I have no problem being a better, more understanding human being. The problem is that other people are not...
people like that aren't going to be watching these kinds of videos either. And that's the thing Amor. Women LOVE you when you don't give any fucks about yourself but can accept their vulnerabilities, but show ONE vulnerable moment yourself and they treat you like dirt. Pussy is easy, relationships aren't. Pussy alone just isn't fulfilling or worth it. Aff is right. Ignore women, acquire currency.
*****
what the heck are you even talking about?
Sol
wow. you too seem to have some serious problems. id like u to stop generalizing women please, im sure theres sb out there with whom having a relationship is just as easy as a one night stand and love will seem much more worth than some amount of money.
Tempelton Amor
would you stop? dont use slurs like that under respectable comments please. furthermore, why is jerking off a bad thing? it has health benefits and definatly doesnt make you any less of a man or woman. also geting laid nither defines your manlihood nor your success in other domains.
The most loneliest I’ve ever felt, is whenever I’m in the company of others.
metalrocker627 well, you cannot be in love 24/7. Go get your own life too.
i don't get lonely in public, i just get afraid or nervous. people are scary lol
How strange. Do you resort to UA-cam, video games, comics like I do to fill that void?
that means you didnt connect with those people...maybe they arent for you to hang out then
@@twilightincosmos Oh I’ve tried. No one makes any effort to connect with anyone anymore, because of how incredibly disconnected we’ve become, thanks to technology…
I watched this video and eventually realised what went wrong with every single human interaction I have ever had.Though I now know how to correct those flaws,I feel like I still can't.But I'm glad I found out this channel.Probably this will get lost into the comments,but I don't care.I'm such a loner that I don't have a actual person to tell my thoughts.So I'm putting them here,to get lost into a sea of words.
I find this comment interesting because yes there is a sea of words but there are millions of people in the world and this video will be on the internet for years and years to come-someones bound to read it:) (like me) So dont doubt speaking your mind-you might help someone you will never meet
I also agree with that ive basically messed up every human interaction until now-but im ready to learn to get better
This comment impacted to the point where I feel better that people like you exist and could relate to thank you
I relate to it so much, I do not hav even a single person , feels so weird to think like that
Hope alls better.
@@rastabincoolie1honestly, i've totally forgotten that i posted this comment. i was in a very dark place 4 years ago, it's impressive what properties time has. it all got better. i'm in a much better place now, both mentally and physically.
don't underestimate the power of communication. take your time, take it slow. feel your emotions as they're one with you.
everything gets better.
Brene Brown's research clearly discredits the supposition that we MUST be defended. Being vulnerable is the key to the greatest success in all sorts of life.
The reasons for your partner to act in a weird way can be different, and not always indicate a fear of intimacy. It is very important to communicate and tell the other person how we feel, what we want, also understand their reasons. Sometimes people reject us, because somewhere deep down we believe we're not worthy of a loving relationships. These traumas have to be a healed in order to have a loving relationship.
I like to avoid the whole issue by locking myself in a room and playing games for 16 hours a day
That's unhealthy.
I used to be like that. Was'nt good.
What issue are you avoiding?
What's the worse that can happen?
I think the worse thing you can do is not live the life have been given.. .which is pretty much what you are doing.
Pain, joy, suffering, love... all of these emotions are important to experience because they let you know you're alive.
You don't think you can handle it? Maybe you should try it and find out.
Death will come around quicker than you think; so you might as well give living a go.
Luke Vanni Nah I was just kidding. But I do like video games. Sometimes I wish I could devote my life to playing games and having fun. It really is something I enjoy. I've got nothing to hide from except maybe responsibilities which we can all agree, can go suck a donkey. Life's OKAY, but I think it's overrated just as romantic love is just an exaggeration of a cool kind of bond feeling. It's all GOOD, but it's not like we have to breathe the air and admire the mountains like we are in a poem. I just want to pwn noobs in COD
You might have been kidding but there are a whole lot of people who live like that.
I think everything needs to be in balance. Games and play are about escaping reality. It's good to do that for a while but if you do it all the time I think you start to lose connection with reality and this can affect your ability to engage in reality effectively.
Responsibilities are good for you. They help you to grow and find purpose.
Life is how you react to what's in front of you. Whether you believe it's 'overrated' or not depends on what your expectations were in the first place and whether it's living up to your expectations. Maybe you need to change your expectations.
You could define romantic love as an 'exaggeration of a cool kind of bond feeling'. This removes the connotations that going with 'being in love' etc. and if you want to be rid of those that's your choice.
I think you should go volunteer for a youth homeless shelter and feed people or something. Go and do something that takes you out of yourself and out of your game while helping others at the same time. Up to you.
Such a beautiful message. Sometimes we are so consumed by our own inner struggles, that we are unable to see our partners have their own inner struggles to deal with as well.
School of Life could you consider the topic of feeling empty
I'd very much like that too
Yeah that would be nice
+
+Jesusdied 4Uyme Sorry dude but I don't believe in God
+Jesusdied 4Uyme Well from the start I don't really believe in it beacuse I just find it impossible to happen like Noahs ark and other things but thats just my opinion.I'm glad that you have been a very respectful person that hasn't insulted me for not believing in god.Like I don't deny the fact that religion has done good things but has also done bad things.But I also don't dismiss the fact that there may be a chance of a superior being.I just need evidence and proof or photos
I shared this with my gf. I recommend that to everyone :) it makes you more close.
Great idea. What's her number?
+Axle xD
+Axle See what you did there haha
Axle It's not 31613012101
If you dare to call Don't say your from me XD
+wopwopkross did you seriously share her phone # online to a stranger?
You just laid out in four minutes concepts that I took months of hard inflection to figure out and just finally nailed down less than a week ago. Good job.
Is it weird that I feel like it's too much of a bother to search for a partner and invest time and energy into a relationship? I don't even feel lonely or anything, but everyone around me seems so desperate for attention and love that sometimes I wonder why I don't feel like that...
It is not weird. It is just you :) Just because someone else is desperate fpr attention, it does not mean that you need. If you are fine living without a relationship then it is perfectly fine. I mean, if it is your destiny then you will find you partner anyway sometime, and it will not matter if you spend your time before that on searching him or her. Just live the way you are feeling comfortable and don't try to live like others feel comfortable, the rest will come with on power :)
Im in my 20s and Ive never been in a relationship. It doesnt bother me until people start asking and getting surprised as though they are insisting that I should feel abnormal and lonely when I really dont. It used to be funny when people used to speculate about my gender but right now that they are more serious in judging, I kind of feel strange and sometimes, pressured to find someone.
Its because they want validation for their own beliefs, thoughts, and actions. They are expressing their inner insecurity.
I did not find my husband until I was 26. We were married before I turned 27. I had had no serious mutually interested relationship before that. To this day, we are still married. We still love each other, and we're learning to try to communicate on a deeper level. My husband has been the main bread winner of the family, and I have been the stay home Mom. These videos are helping me find words to make a fuller, deeper, more satisfying relationship. :) What you do not see, is how long this has taken for me to find and type the words written here. They may seem like they flow on the paper/screen, but it is difficult to make each word come out at times. :)
If it is weird, then I'm weird too.
That's probably not very reassuring.
If they teach this at school there won't be such a high divorce rate now a day. This Channel is the best thing ever created on UA-cam. Thank you so much for your effort.
I agree. I feel there should be some sort of relationship classes being taught,
Truly one of the best channels on UA-cam.
this channel saved me from the chaos and willing to go to psychiatrist ! when everything in us is really simple and manageable by just knowledge . I repeated every video multiple times while taking notes. can't thank you enough❤
In relationships I've always been one to know what I'm feeling, and tell my partner about it. I've never had do deal with these sort of problems, at least not for long before communicating about it. It really is a great thing and I would recommend the same level of communication with anyone you're close to, especially your lovers. Talking to them about it is often a symbol of trust, and confiding in your partner, which will strengthen your bond.
I learn so much about myself and others through these videos
After a fight with my bf today I spent some time googling to find out why I could be so controlling in a relationship, I found nothing that really helped me understand. Then, I see this, and things make sense now. Thank you.
Good luck, and have a nice day! :)
Kazuya Mishima Thank you :)
story of my life... destroyed so many possibilities to build up a healthy and stable relationship for me... i wont let anyone get too close.
Please elaborate?
these videos are so dense in content, yet are calming.
a lot of work must have gone into making informative yet soothing content.
I am so grateful to have found them.
Never take your partner for granted. Always put an effort in your relationship
Thank you for your lessons on how to human.
I totally recognize "I'm worried I don't matter to you".
Your insights into the human condition are so thoughtful and inspiring. Thank you for sharing it.
all these videos show one very important thing needed COMMUNICATION
I'm quite guarded, but I let down that guard for the people worth being vulnerable to
Watching your videos have helped me understand and deal with my social awkwardness and fear of intimacy. Speaking in public still gives me a near heart attack but I'm learning to cope thanks to your videos. Keep up the good work
fear is the root of all problems. Now get over it.
Fear is the path to the dark side
fear can be very useful though. without it we would not have survived as a species
Not all problems. Sometimes it's computers.
I fear that you are wrong.
Derp
Always pleasant, always thoughtful. These simple videos shed light on the things we so often overlook in ourselves. Thanks for taking the time to share with us all what might have taken years to find alone.
I feel like I got a free therapy session
This is a big problem for me, but at the same time, there's a fear that I wouldn't be rejected and that the relationship would blossom even more.
That scares me a bit more. I could understand someone hurting me or rejecting being my friend or me as a person, but to actually want to be my friend and want to love me strikes me as odd.
Are you a dismissive avoidant?!
@@NM-vs5lg Most likely, I've gotten a lot better about it, but I still lean towards avoiding people.
@@earth2jio my boyfriend is DA too . I love him so much 💙💙💙
@@NM-vs5lg I'm glad to know he has someone like you with him. ❤
@@NM-vs5lg I'm glad to know he has someone like you with him. ❤
Your tips about love and relationships are awesome! The only thing that's missing is a tip of how to get in one.
i cant even handle watching some of these videos, i just break down and start to shake with anxiety with how spot on they are
Don't you just love that, when you turn on the subtitles, 'vis à vis' is being translated as 'visa fee'?
I wish these videos were longer - these videos are soothing in their own way.
This video brought tears into my eyes. I have struggled getting closer to anyone. Letting people in seems like a nightmare. Since childhood I have always feared of getting too close. This video shows that it's a sign of well being. I'll try to explain rather than defending myself. Recently I have had very hard time getting closer to a certain someone. I lost that person. I discovered that I need to open up much more and get closer. I really appreciate this video. This is one of the things that I really want to work upon. School of Life you guys have shed light on many aspects of emotional intelligence that I can't thank you enough.
I love this channel SO much.
Yes!!! Understanding attachment styles is so critical in relationships. Most people will sooner brand their partners as crazy than realize the source of their freaky behaviors - insecurity rooted in toxic past experiences, anxiety, a miscommunication of love, etc etc.
your channel keeps me sane...
i wish my thoughts were all narrated by your voice, its so soothing its my fav
I am so amazed. And you guys are SO RIGHT: it's almost annoying but So
So BEAUTIFUL because they stick to the point and then drive it home so ruthlessly
Vulnerability means the ability to be wounded. It is a mistake to think we can be vulnerable and not get hurt. You will get hurt. When you open yourself up to love and tenderness, the chance for pain comes along too. It is unavoidable. So, what is the solution? My thought is: learn to tolerate the pain, learn to manage it. Become aware that it isn't your partner who is hurting you, rather, they do things that trigger old wounds that lie within us.
When we say we don't trust someone not to hurt us, what we are really say is: I don't trust myself to be able to cope with my hurt feelings.
Once we are able to manage these hurt feelings in a mature fashion, withdrawing from contact if need be for a while, setting appropriate boundaries, etc, then we can see that the pain we feel isn't the end of the world, and in fact, points the way to our healing.
As an example close to home: if you fear being abandoned, are anxious over any sign that your partner might not love you, and then your partner does something that triggers that feeling: doesn't response in a timely fashion, flirts with someone at a party, etc, we can attack them, rail against them, express our hurt by blaming them, make them responsible for our pain, and become a victim, powerless and broken (all guaranteed to push them further away). Or, we can step back and take care of ourselves, nurture ourselves, not abandon ourselves. We can remember that our partner may be distant because they are going through something, wrestling with their own demons, or engaging in playful flirtatious behaviour that is normal to mammals and still absolutely love us.
Then, this pain we feel becomes a stepping off point for us to practise more self love and to heal this abandonment wound ourselves. When we have calmed down we can tell our partner about our feelings without blame and if necessary ask for a small shift in behaviour. Such requests, given with respect and tenderness and without blame have a chance to land, be heard, and responded to.
If the person refuses to honour our requests, we can see we tried in a mature fashion and perhaps set a boundary, stepping back from the relationship for a time and not abandoning ourselves.
Sound so fluid the way you put it, I wish it were so simple to actually apply.
I have no words to describe what and how much your videos have helped me through tough times always. I can related to every single line you guys have written in every video of yours. I am Thankful that you guys exists to help people like me who are afraid to ask for it to anyone even from their loved one's and family.
So... Communication!
Jezus Santos sometimes easier said than done
@@fiddleandsqueak6504 Regardless if something is easy or not, one should pray for strength and just do it
This video made me feel normal for having anxiety about closeness.
Thank you!
There is truth to this, which can be difficult to admit to ourselves
I cant stop watching School of Life! So Many things to realize. Thanks!
the maker of these vids is apparently the wisest man in the world
I've watched SO many videos looking for this one. Thank you.
Well shit.
I'm probably going to die alone.
Everyone dies alone. Some die alon-er, though.
How do I make it alon-er?
Same lol
Single for 17years now... not looking forward to the next 50+ but that seems to be lined up for me :/
great video:) reminds me to never stop communicating my feelings to others as clear as possible
I was raised by very judgemental narcissistic parents and I moved out of my country to get away from them.
Now, I don't want people to get too close and know me very well, because I fear being judged and criticized
The anxiety is through the roof.
Wow. Sounds very similar to my life. Except I moved down the street instead.
I wish you luck in your journey. I just got in a new relationship and boy can't she tell that I'm not an open book. She'll be alright, all good things never happen overnight. I'll get there
Just not today🤷🏾♀️
Same. I moved to another town, and am now pretty much no contact. Ive never had sex or a relationship. Im starting to feel though that i could one day, but it will need to be with someone very kind and understanding, and everything will need to go quite slowly. I also am overweighy anr have a lot of body image issues, though, so that's another thing to deal with.
No one has ever put into words so clearly something I have felt all my life. Now, at least I know why. Thank you for making this invaluable video.
Your videos are like poetry to me, I have to be fully immersed in it to really understand the meaning of them.
"A behaviour that is not loving is simply a call for love" A Course In Miracles
It’s funny how this can be a problem in a single life, and yet in a relationship, it is still present, if not elevated.
I love this channel. Whenever I feel I have a problem in my life I know I can find the solution here.
Learning this much about relationships with people have caused me to become a bit more distant than I was before but because of that I think of my life more,consider my choices much more and try to live my life so that least horrible outcome comes out,so thank you school of life for this.
Sigh if you only you could teach grammar
If youtube had a "Love!" option, apart from like and dislike, I would press it in almost every one of your videos. Excellent work. Touching and inspiring. Thank you, guys.
It can be scary but with steady care and not rushing in without thinking being close will make being apart easier😎
Can you please do a video on isolation and loneliness? Feeling one does not connect to most other people, no sense of community, and is lacking in real friends. Your videos help me so much, thank you so much
@3:26, behavior as communication. Extremely well put, sir. Thank you.
School of Life constantly droppin' knowledge on our asses
Kudos to the singularly thoughtful and relevant Alain de Botton: his understanding of the human condition and modern life has helped me enormously. And, what's more, his insights are accessible to everyone, and always so elegantly phrased. Thank you so much.
This was immensely eyeopening. Thank you.
if this channel had half the subs as pewdiepie, the world would be a better place
closeness, one thing that makes me anxious. describes perfectly what scares me.
Every once in a while i come back to watch this video and it helps every time, i love you school of life !
This video just answered all my questions.
So true! We are so afraid of being rejected and unwanted.
I hope there are some teachers in middle and high school that show these to their students.
Probably one of if not the best of your short videos
Thank you so much, the School of life for sharing this amazing content for free. Thank you.
These videos and insights are phenomenal. The explanations are so encouraging in their tone and feel reassuring.
That is so deep.
So true.
oh man this was like a mirror to me... thank you
I feel like the world would be a better place if everyone watched these videos.
“If you take a risk, time may prove you wrong. The relationship may not turn out to be what you thought it would. The other may not, after all, be your soulmate. But if you never make a commitment, you will always be alone. Failure to find love is, in one case, a possibility, while in the other - it is certain. A soulmate is not simply someone who is a good match but someone we are committed to and who is committed to us.”
I am looking for a lot of answers caused by a confusing break up and your channel is unbelievably eye opening.
There’s always two sides to look at everything but rather than throwing everything out the window I am hoping for a second chance to see what we could have the potential to be with that growth I have been going through.
Thank you
You've just summed up the entire conflict of Neon Genesis Evangelion.
Congratulations! *clapclap*
What the fuck is that?
+Red Tron (Alitron) anime
Cory in the house is by far the best anime out there, neon genisys ain't schiet
The whole Spice and Wolf series (book) is based on that
+Papa Hiro Cory in the house isn't an anime.
it's a MASTERPIECE
When you have social anxiety disorder (the disorder of missed opportunity), this video hits hard and it hits a lot.
Great video. I recommend The School of Life channel to my coaching clients all the time. Thanks for all the fantastic content!
Damn!! This channel and its videos are awesome. How come they don't have billions subscribers? It's an actual school of life. Real Education.
I LOVE THIS CHANNEL FROM ALL MY HEART
ive watched a lot of his video and he hits the nail every time. subscribed!
These videos are the light.
These vids should be used in classes during middle school...
Great video guys! Your videos have helped me immensely over the last year to be better at understanding my emotions and determining why I act the way I do. Shout out from Canada!
I'm really interested in the way you write these essays. I like them a lot and often desire to create such a piece of art myself :) keep on doing what you do, many enjoy it a lot!
We're so pleased you like what we're doing. And thanks for this question. We focus on the big problems in an area (like why is it so hard to have an Ok relationship) and work with the assumption that is is a really nice person who has this difficulty.
I'm an anxious person and I have what I think is an avoidant partner. I just watched this video before talking with her about continuing our relationship. Thank you. Wish me luck.
Thank you so much for this video. I'm always afraid to let people get close to me, because I feel that they won't like me anymore. But then I saw this quote online that said "you want to be perfect so that no one leaves you. But be your totally imperfect self and see who shows up." I have a crush on this one guy, and I think he has a crush on me to. I'll just be my flawed self and hope that he still likes me for it.
Ah, the attachment-style theory. One of my favorites.
I've been in relationships where the women consistently weaponized information, feelings , etc. I shared with them against me. I learned in time to keep my mouth shut, and forget about having any kind of meaningful relationship with them. I was not confused by their narcissism, I did not lose my sanity in the process, just that it's wiser to keep one's guard up and maintain safe distances from certain people until they could be put in the rear view mirror. I didn't understand narcissism as well as I do today, but at the same time I knew I wasn't the problem regarding these actions they took. I also learned that they did this before with the previous men in their lives, and no doubt would go on to doing this to the next guy.
this channel is truly life-changing. thank you!
space is just a word made up by someone who's afraid to get too
CLOSE
exactly what I sang in my head when I saw the title 😆