Thank you for your videos and your calming energy. I've been in a very panicky place about it. Things about my life are starting to make sense and putting certain pieces together. Especially how to this day I cover my butt when I sleep and I used to sleep with tons of layers tight around my body. I'm very hypervigilant to the slightest noise and dont like being alone with a man and just a lot of anxiety if there is only one exit. I have barely any memories of my childhood (same for my sisters) and i'm scared of them coming back. We were all withdrawn and didnt have many friends/not social and all had issues speaking and learning. Lots of depression. I feel like im in that in between stage you mentioned. My neighbor and fathers friend were both pedophiles. I'm scared to find out who it was especially since I am living with my parents currently with no money yet to move due to getting laid off so I feel stuck and trapped which is def one of my triggers. I've always been very flighty and don't keep jobs or stay living in the same place for decades etc. I was also into dark sexuality and submission, and with my first bf in college losing my 'virginity' (according to not having memory of other sexual encounters) and he said I had no hymen. I pray it isn't my father as I am living with him currently. Thank you for sharing 💙
Thanks for sharing. I understand your fear. I was terrified that the perpetrator was someone I loved! But the truth unshackles you to move forward towards wholeness. Fear keeps you paralyzed and stagnant. The Courage to Heal book and workbook helped me. Start journalling. Start with a topic, like, “What do I fear most?” Visualize yourself being whole and happy. Talk about yourself like that: Every day, I am a day closer to being whole and emotionally healthy.} Here is a scripture for you: God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind. 2 Timothy 1:7 Lastly, please invite God to be with you and to lead you in this journey. He will amaze you!
Thank you so much again Catherine. Interesting you mention about the mom. I too am now wondering how my mom didn't know anything. I woke up to my dad in my bed a few times as a kid. This had been in my head for years but I never expanded on this in my mind. Sunday, another piece of that memory came out of the blue. It was a crazy feeling. My mother and I are not speaking lately, I've gone no contact with her again has nothing to do with this situation, she and I have not related well over the years, very disfunctional family. I wouldn't share this anyway. What I'm dealing with now is I think my 33 yr old daughter may be upset with me. Her and I have always had a close relationship. On Sunday when this all went down, I went to her place as I really needed to tell someone what was going on, I was freaking out. She is somewhat aware of the dysfunctions of my childhood. She was surprized and her husband too was there and they seem to be supportive and ok. She looked bothered and said she was still processing this. I feel now I may have put her in a bad place. We agreed this would not leave the four walls. I have called my daughter a couple times and she is not getting back to me. This tells me she doesn't want to. I wish now I had not gone over but was in such a state didn't really think about the impact this may have on her. I will just leave her be and hope she calls soon. I did say if she wanted to talk to me, or needed to, I"m up to it of course. This is so hard. A big part of me wants or wanted her to know as my daughter watched me through my life suffer with many issues due to my childhood. I would always be apologizing for everything.. always with mom guilt even though I was a good mom... anyway, thank you for your video and yes, I do put this in the hands of Dear Lord Jesus Christ. I pray for my fathers forgiveness as I have forgiven him too but don't want to ever see him in this life again. It's still fresh for me. He now has dementia and parkinsons so there is no way I would confront him... God Bless!!
I’m so sorry - I thought I replied. maybe I didn’t do the final click. it is A lonely road that those who know you don’t want to sharing it. I am so grateful for my heavenly father who loves me and understands everything about me. My pets are also a great consolation to me
I feel the exact same way! Like wow..I don't like being in a closed room with men even if its my brotbers..I feel on guard im in fight or flight mode. Like I feel castrophoic or something. Could be now because of what my mom said about my cousin closing the door and playing with me and my sister. My mom and dad caught him undressing my sister. They didn't do much about it or even tell my older cousin why he did such thing..they brushed it under the rug. I went to therapy with my mom for an eating disorder and the therapist asked me if I ever was sexually abused and before I could answer my mom answers for me and says no she hasn't..like she was trying to hide the truth from me. Gosh I love my mom and dad but I can't trust them its so hard
it could be. only you can answer that. it’s definitely a journey. my older sister told me about the time my uncle locked me into the upper room of my grandfathers shed. There were mice running around in there. I didn’t remember, but gradually I did.
Hi I dont know if this is the wrong place to comment this but I have just started have signs of triggers and my therapist suspects that based off of the content that it is likely sexual abuse. It has taken a very large toll on me and its hard to know why my heart feels broken when I cant remember what happened. I'm afraid of knowing and scared of not knowing. I guess I was wondering if I could get advice as I am quickly finding out that just trying to know the truth feels like a solo tightrope walk. Sorry to bother anyone.
Hi Liv. I’m not a professional on this topic, but a family practice doctor and a victim. I’ve been where you are! It’s a terrifying lonely place; you’re suddenly taken off the highway and put on a road, alone, where you don’t know where you are going, but you know you’ve never been there before. You are so scared that it might take you to a place that you don’t want to go. I remember, crying in my soul, please don’t let it be my grandpa!” As far as a broken heart, yes, it’s fractured. All of your triggers are; however, leading you towards healing! Keep reminding yourself of that! Feeling lost, bewildered, crying- all are “normal” on the path of healing. Find an outlet: I wrote poetry, dug in the ground and planted flowers, knitted yarn to something beautiful. Don’t rush things. Memories are stored in different places of the brain. Smell is stored closest to our emotional headquarters. One of the first memories that I had was the smell of my grandfathers garage. I recoiled in horror! As much as you want to know, you don’t want to know! On an emotional level, my 5 year old child was struggling. I wanted to embrace her, help her through this. Sometimes, I would hug myself and cry, telling her: It’s ok. I’m here! You’re not alone! Please stay in touch. I will be praying for God’s love to surround you.
@@catherinekirby1457 thank you so much for your response I hope you have a wonderful day and thank you much for your videos they are very helpful. I'm not going on the exact same journey as anyone but any travelers experiences and advice are welcome. Bless you 🙏 stay safe :)
Laying awake for months....
I thought I was the only one who went through this.....nightmare
Thanks for sharing
Thank you for your words🙏🏽♥️
You are so welcome
Thank you for your videos and your calming energy. I've been in a very panicky place about it. Things about my life are starting to make sense and putting certain pieces together. Especially how to this day I cover my butt when I sleep and I used to sleep with tons of layers tight around my body. I'm very hypervigilant to the slightest noise and dont like being alone with a man and just a lot of anxiety if there is only one exit. I have barely any memories of my childhood (same for my sisters) and i'm scared of them coming back. We were all withdrawn and didnt have many friends/not social and all had issues speaking and learning. Lots of depression. I feel like im in that in between stage you mentioned. My neighbor and fathers friend were both pedophiles. I'm scared to find out who it was especially since I am living with my parents currently with no money yet to move due to getting laid off so I feel stuck and trapped which is def one of my triggers. I've always been very flighty and don't keep jobs or stay living in the same place for decades etc. I was also into dark sexuality and submission, and with my first bf in college losing my 'virginity' (according to not having memory of other sexual encounters) and he said I had no hymen. I pray it isn't my father as I am living with him currently. Thank you for sharing 💙
Thanks for sharing. I understand your fear. I was terrified that the perpetrator was someone I loved! But the truth unshackles you to move forward towards wholeness. Fear keeps you paralyzed and stagnant. The Courage to Heal book and workbook helped me. Start journalling. Start with a topic, like, “What do I fear most?” Visualize yourself being whole and happy. Talk about yourself like that: Every day, I am a day closer to being whole and emotionally healthy.} Here is a scripture for you: God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind. 2 Timothy 1:7
Lastly, please invite God to be with you and to lead you in this journey. He will amaze you!
Thank you so much again Catherine. Interesting you mention about the mom. I too am now wondering how my mom didn't know anything. I woke up to my dad in my bed a few times as a kid. This had been in my head for years but I never expanded on this in my mind. Sunday, another piece of that memory came out of the blue. It was a crazy feeling. My mother and I are not speaking lately, I've gone no contact with her again has nothing to do with this situation, she and I have not related well over the years, very disfunctional family. I wouldn't share this anyway. What I'm dealing with now is I think my 33 yr old daughter may be upset with me. Her and I have always had a close relationship. On Sunday when this all went down, I went to her place as I really needed to tell someone what was going on, I was freaking out. She is somewhat aware of the dysfunctions of my childhood. She was surprized and her husband too was there and they seem to be supportive and ok. She looked bothered and said she was still processing this. I feel now I may have put her in a bad place. We agreed this would not leave the four walls. I have called my daughter a couple times and she is not getting back to me. This tells me she doesn't want to. I wish now I had not gone over but was in such a state didn't really think about the impact this may have on her. I will just leave her be and hope she calls soon. I did say if she wanted to talk to me, or needed to, I"m up to it of course. This is so hard. A big part of me wants or wanted her to know as my daughter watched me through my life suffer with many issues due to my childhood. I would always be apologizing for everything.. always with mom guilt even though I was a good mom... anyway, thank you for your video and yes, I do put this in the hands of Dear Lord Jesus Christ. I pray for my fathers forgiveness as I have forgiven him too but don't want to ever see him in this life again. It's still fresh for me. He now has dementia and parkinsons so there is no way I would confront him... God Bless!!
I’m so sorry - I thought I replied. maybe I didn’t do the final click. it is A lonely road that those who know you don’t want to sharing it. I am so grateful for my heavenly father who loves me and understands everything about me. My pets are also a great consolation to me
How are you doing, Gordana- my private email is creativeeweyarns@gmail.com
I feel the exact same way! Like wow..I don't like being in a closed room with men even if its my brotbers..I feel on guard im in fight or flight mode. Like I feel castrophoic or something. Could be now because of what my mom said about my cousin closing the door and playing with me and my sister. My mom and dad caught him undressing my sister. They didn't do much about it or even tell my older cousin why he did such thing..they brushed it under the rug. I went to therapy with my mom for an eating disorder and the therapist asked me if I ever was sexually abused and before I could answer my mom answers for me and says no she hasn't..like she was trying to hide the truth from me. Gosh I love my mom and dad but I can't trust them its so hard
it could be. only you can answer that. it’s definitely a journey. my older sister told me about the time my uncle locked me into the upper room of my grandfathers shed. There were mice running around in there. I didn’t remember, but gradually I did.
Hi I dont know if this is the wrong place to comment this but I have just started have signs of triggers and my therapist suspects that based off of the content that it is likely sexual abuse. It has taken a very large toll on me and its hard to know why my heart feels broken when I cant remember what happened. I'm afraid of knowing and scared of not knowing. I guess I was wondering if I could get advice as I am quickly finding out that just trying to know the truth feels like a solo tightrope walk. Sorry to bother anyone.
Hi Liv. I’m not a professional on this topic, but a family practice doctor and a victim. I’ve been where you are! It’s a terrifying lonely place; you’re suddenly taken off the highway and put on a road, alone, where you don’t know where you are going, but you know you’ve never been there before. You are so scared that it might take you to a place that you don’t want to go. I remember, crying in my soul, please don’t let it be my grandpa!”
As far as a broken heart, yes, it’s fractured. All of your triggers are; however, leading you towards healing! Keep reminding yourself of that! Feeling lost, bewildered, crying- all are “normal” on the path of healing. Find an outlet: I wrote poetry, dug in the ground and planted flowers, knitted yarn to something beautiful.
Don’t rush things. Memories are stored in different places of the brain. Smell is stored closest to our emotional headquarters. One of the first memories that I had was the smell of my grandfathers garage. I recoiled in horror! As much as you want to know, you don’t want to know! On an emotional level, my 5 year old child was struggling. I wanted to embrace her, help her through this. Sometimes, I would hug myself and cry, telling her: It’s ok. I’m here! You’re not alone!
Please stay in touch. I will be praying for God’s love to surround you.
@@catherinekirby1457 thank you so much for your response I hope you have a wonderful day and thank you much for your videos they are very helpful. I'm not going on the exact same journey as anyone but any travelers experiences and advice are welcome. Bless you 🙏 stay safe :)
@@livhill9361 , one thing is the sake, though. God will go with you. He will be your strength if you let him.