I've always gotten comfort from this Dante quote : "“The hottest places in Hell are reserved for those who, in times of moral crisis, maintain their neutrality." :)
I would like to oppose this a bit. Sometimes it is pretty hard and confusing to figure out how things really are for third party as not always everything is black and white. And you certainly do not want to take sides immediately in an ongoing conflict where you do not have enough information - you could actually cause more harm than good. What was mentioned in the video, to not rely just on one side´s information and talk with all interested parties with honesty, is best approach and even then it is better to tread lightly.
It’s amazing how the enabler will complain about the narcissist and how they treat them but if you and the narcissist have an issue. Then the enabler is triangulated and then targets you and listens to the narcissist’s warped view of the world.
Narc enablers will easily/ happily throw others under the bus to continue getting the “gifts” they get from the narc. All they care about is themselves.
Yep, sister put our mother through hell taking sides with our cheating and abusive father so that he would pay college tuition/housing/money flowing to her.
Sometimes enablers are protecting themselves from the narcissist's bullying and are willing to throw you on the line instead. They do what the narcissist wants because they are actually afraid (or cowards)
I know a self-righteous enabler that's this way. I can kinda understand why she does it; she wants to be able to see her grandkid and for her physically disabled daughter that lives with her to be able to see her niece (the mom tried calling the daughter out on her bullshit and the narc banned her from seeing her granddaughter for almost a month) but it's still frustrating because the disabled daughter wants to tell her so bad to stop enabling and go low contact like she did, cause she knows it might alleviate some of her physical ailments that are being exacerbated by the stress of the narc. It's hell living with an enabler.
Yes. It doesn't even have to be about money or perks. Simply not wanting the blow back from a confrontation is enough to keep some enablers in their roles. However, they could legitimately express their fears and say, "You know, I just can't handle a difficult conversation with XYZ right now, but I totally agree that he/she is a nightmare." Instead, they go the gaslighting route, which is what makes them reprehensible. They go from being self-protecting, which most people can understand, to participating in the narc's web of scapegoating and lies.
I've always been an outsider,in my family. It was lonely, isolating, painful and confusing. At 58.. I wear the "outsider" badge with pride. I'm the truth teller and I'm nothing like them!.. , I'm free! 🌻
Me too! I married into this crazy family. My MIL is the narcissist and the entire extended family are all enablers! I’m the only one that stands my ground and stands up to it, but believe me I’ve paid dearly. An authentic life is the only way for me to live and I can not remain silent or agreeable and still be true to myself…. So I don’t really even look at it as a choice…. All I know is that I can sleep knowing I stay true to myself always.
This type of enabler has the mentality of “well you’re not gonna pay my bills or hook me up with connections, like the narcissist is, so ill just turn a blind eye”
They are weak minded, pretentious, superficial creatures with absolutely no depth of character. There is nothing under their useless, gormless lexis (words and vocabulary) of any value. It is all empty just like the narcissist.
It's good to see other people recognize that remaining neutral is _not_ inherently mature and fair. I'm pretty young, and the number of people over the age of 25 who think this is somehow the best option under nearly any circumstances is astounding. I like to call it "pseudo-maturity", because boy the frequency with which I observe it requires I put a name to it. It's not level-headed to invalidate somebody's experience when they're just trying to talk, and telling them they "might be at fault too" since "nobody's perfect" when they're already upset. Yeah, nobody is perfect- which is exactly why you can't say somebody's at fault for not living up to the unrealistic and conceptually unprovable standard of perfection. Would you claim a murder victim was at fault too, just because he'd taken a paperclip from the murderer without asking? No, that's not how fault works, and I'm really tired of this form of socially acceptable and even socially encouraged invalidation
Sounds like you’re talking about Gen X, their favorite thing to say is they’re not perfect, just so they don’t have to admit their wrongdoing to someone, but want to hold everyone else accountable, and believe they’re so mature.
@@thesimoneshow2608 it's true that I seem to see it a lot in people in that age range- I'm not really sure _how_ that happened but I do wonder how people go through life with so little ability in critical thinking
I've noticed the same thing and it's always infuriated me that people act like it should pass unnoticed that they are kind and tolerant of somebody who is evil to you. Like there's nothing wrong with that. I cleaned house.
@@kdavis4910 ah the old classic, false virtues where "humility" equals low self-esteem and "kindness" becomes avoiding confrontation when it's uncomfortable or inconvenient
So grateful for this content. I lived the life that she explains being the "scapegoat". It is so liberating to know it is not me! It never was me! I'm not crazy! 🎉 I'm even more free!
Absolutely true....without enablers there won't be any narcissists. Dr.Ramini you explain them so well! Pollyanna and self serving traits can be seen together sometimes.
"Yep. Enablers are abusers too. They're watching someone hold your head underwater and saying 'My life would be so much easier if you could stop complaining and just drown'..."- Reddit 'Raised By Narcissists' comment
This hit home HARD. My mom almost killed me in a narc rage (I have the scar on my head to prove it) HOWEVER she is the person in the family who has the money, who helps the people, who does THE things…. I’ve lived surrounded by family members who gaslighted me about my own abuse, because they were benefiting materially (real estate). A bleeding, needy autistic 9 year old child is WAY TOO inconvenient, when you’re an immigrant set on making money in the new country. I never looked at the self serving aspect of it…. But EVERYONE benefits from my mother’s kindness and business acumen (a golden cage I am trying to break free from) I honestly ache when I think about how awful it must have been for me (I “forgot “ about the abuse….until I shaved my head) being surrounded by adults who had something to gain if they didn’t speak up for me.
I am sorry of what have happened to you, and YES you should break away from that toxicity. You are not alone. My ex wife did the same thing, she was always a narc, one day I have realized and dic=vorced her, we had 2 kids, she became brainwashed them agaisnt me, I was the best DAD in the world , I did my best . They are 2 amazing kids, boy is 21 and daughter 15, now they are all narcs. My ex is in Real Estate makes good money , she has THE POWER and the kids chose her side for their materialistic desires and support all the stuff she says and she decides.... I am done. One quote : " If you think they don't care about you , believe them "
I am sorry you had to experience it all😧my narc mother isn't exactly rich, but she gifts decent money on weddings, helps with things like connections and payments for medical care. But it is kind of satisfying to know for sure that after her death the enablers will mourn mostly her monetary help, but not her "loving and caring" personality 😉
2:40 "The self-serving ENABLERS can be very damaging! They are the ones who feel most like CULT MEMBERS or are willing to do the bidding of the cult." Agreed!
I find that my main challenge has switched from the narcissist to the enablers. I have gone no contact with the narcissist, but the enablers still continue the abuse on their behalf. What a shock this has been! Now it looks like I have to go no contact with the enablers as well.
Dr Ramani is doing a great community service by posting these videos. They are well made, educational, and helpful to so many people who are struggling in these toxic relationships at home and at work. Thank you Dr Ramani!
Yes she's a god-send and a natural, she makes sense out of situations which have had us baffled for years and for which we felt no one was suffering through but us!
This describes my last work place. I felt as if I was going crazy because I was ridiculed for setting boundaries and pointing out a huge issue that was happening in the work place. I got completely thrown under the bus, then told it was not that bad and I've been questioning my sanity ever since. Thank you so much for this video, this helps validate me so I know I'm not crazy.
I still have to deal with this behavior and i don’t know how to handle this. It creeps me out! These are the family members that will never stick up for you. They say things like: 'oh, I just don’t wan‘t to deal with that so you’re on your own.' While you are being bullied by narcissists.
I have a family member who is exactly like this and is getting financial benefits from my narc mom. The saddest bit is that my narc mom will always tell me bad things about her own enabler. It's sad. Thank you Dr. Ramani.
My sister is the enabler of my wacko other sister. I had asked her for help many times, but was ignored. I walked out on her too and now she is left with the narcopath wacko. Drinks for everybody!
I have Two siblings. One is the narc and one is the enabler. Im significantly younger than them. I never stood a chance. Took me almost 50 years to figure out what the heck was happening to me my whole life. I thought I was going crazy. Not anymore. I see them for what they are now. Knowledge is power. Thank you Dr. Ramani!
It is my birthday today Dr Ramani ... i turn 55 and i want to tell you that your talks have helped me a lot and they continue to do so ... thank you so much ... love and respect to you
Dr. Ramani, it sounds like you may be suffering from a cold, allergies, sinuses or something... I just want to say that I hope you feel better soon and I thank you so, so much for the content you continue to put out for our community.
"Taking sides" falls apart when the "victim" is the narcissist attempting to sell a story. We like to think we can see through it, but it's far more difficult than it seems. Narcissists are more practiced at playing the role than the actual victims ever are, and far more determined.
@@runfaster8833 totally, as well as use "guerilla tactics". My Sister Dearest has been sucking up to Mommy Dearest since our father, who had been Sister Dearest's only employer and source of income for at least a decade, passed, while at the same time attempting a smear campaign behind her back. Face to face, she goes with Mommy Dearest's every whim. Behind her back, she constantly switches between justifying Mommy Dearest's crap and going on about Mommy Dearest being "not so young anymore", constantly forgetting things, and overall going senile. It was actually amusing to watch for a while.
@@runfaster8833 I think they can. It is another tool in their kit. In my experience they tend to almost form a club when it suits them given that using people transactionally is one of their signature behaviours
The first question one should ask oneself about the enabler who's trying to minimize or gaslight for the narcissist is, "What's in it for them?"" or who benefits?" cui bono? What is their relationship with the toxic person? When money, power, influence, and or identification is involved, the answer is a no-brainer.It's important to memorize that checklist. Afterward, ignore the enabler and carry on. They don't have your back.
I can't accept only one situation of self serving enablers, when the law is broken and when human rights are taken away and everyone is playing fool pretending nothing happened. I faced such a situation, and this is where my faith in justice seriously shattered. I will never understand how can human lives and freedoms be exchanged for money of a common ego. And why others do not understand each of them is the next, including the narcissist.
Self-serving enablers don't want their boats rocked....and YES, they gaslight others who 'overreact.' Thank you for the Elie Wiesel quote. You are just brilliant. You have helped reinforce the rightness of my putting distance between me and my former significant other and his wholly college age, narcissistic son. It is shocking to see these enabling traits in someone who is otherwise so well put together and harder to come to terms with the truth that once you see this, you can't unsee it.
I’ve got you beat…I’m 72….94 narc mother, 97 narc father… He knows she’s volatile…but he rather have it directed at anyone but him…and then he defends her…a WWII veteran who fancies himself a hero….is actually a bully in my eyes…his daughter….all so sad….i gave myself a birthday gift for my last birthday and I have minimal co tact…and haven’t seen them in 7 weeks and seriously don’t care anymore
My father used my love for him to extract repeated assistance and presence with my abusive mother. Nothing like using your kids as a deflection to get relief. Took me years to recognize it and step away from that dynamic.
Some dynamic, as a child in *that* house 🏠 I would sonetimes pout 😡, just a pout on my face, I was made aware I was pouting by dad who pointed out to mom and they allied against me, wonder what my face looked like then.
@@joseenoel8093 😲 Same exact thing!! My dad did it to me in Public too!! He’d say, “Wipe a smile on that pouty face!” And I’d have to stand there & do it. Wow, did you bring back memories. Let them pout now…☮️
Diana, what an awful version of "better you than me." Such a betrayal of your love and trust! So glad you have removed yourself from that horribly unhealthy dynamic.
You are literally saving our lives out here. Thank you. Not sure which is worse, self-serving enablers are also so painful and will gaslight and victim blame as well.
This sounds like all of Jeffrey Epstein's staff, honestly. Looking past all the poor victims because they were paid really well and Jeffrey was "so charismatic".
@@raymeester7883 the world knows all that but he and his sick 'business partner' chose young girls who were desperate for money. They didn't like the job but many stayed on regardle$$.
@@helenflouch It was more than than choosing young girls desperate for money. This goes beyond what almost everybody knows. He was a billionaire trader without trades. No one is even asking questions.
Wow. You just perfectly described my parents. My father is a vengeful malignant narcissist who ridiculed and mocked me and my children our entire life. Picking on our faults and insecurities for his own giggle and narcissistic feed. Seemingly enjoying our stubbles in life for his own boost of self esteem. My mother is a self serving enabler who covers for him because she his trophy wife. He love bombs and spoils her so she stays devoted. She’s beautiful and loves his money and fancy high class vacations. I was the scape goat for years until I said no more and went no contact. My mother claims she never saw the abuse but I know for certain she chose to put blinders on. I’m 50 years old now and my own adult children now see the toxicity, manipulations and guilt trips controlling all of us so they’ve decided to go no contact with both of them as well. I’m my parents turned my entire family against me. I’m considered the unforgiving trouble maker that turned their grandchildren against them. 🤦🏻♀️ honestly I really don’t care what they say about me. I have my husband, children and friends who are proud of me for finally putting my needs and self love first. Thank you for all of your videos. They’ve helped me and my adult children tremendously. You validate and explain things so well. Couldn’t get through this healing journey without you. Much love. ❤ Melissa G from Massachusetts.
I am currently suffering deeply caused by these people who sp called are my friends and family members. Making me feel I am the sensitive one and trouble maker. At first, they come to me calling the narcissist out but soon after they turn back on me by building stronger relationship with the narcissist. But this video just brought me out of self accusing (I am the bad one).
All over the world, leaders of many nations are engaging in this dynamic. Prioritizing power and control above decency, respect and civility results in suffering.
My former supervisor threw me under the narcissistic bus to save herself from the manipulation of the narcissists we worked with. She otherwise seemed like an empathetic, understanding person, who also buckles under anxiety. This video describes her behavior well.
When you get that moment of, oh my instincts were correct all along. Sometimes you want to be wrong because the truth is so hurtful. You have to face it eventually though or the narcs will hurt you forever. Thank you so much for all your videos.
Because of their willingness to turn a blind eye, they don't even care to know how far the abuse actually went or ongoing. They are just wishing that it goes away and others become collateral damages for the "system".
It seems that some spouses do ignore their narcissist spouses infidelities to hold onto their status and lifestyle. Some enablers can even turn a blind eye when children are being abused. A lot of child abuse has perpetuated in society because people refuse to rock the boat and miss out on the gravy train. I have been a whistleblower/truthteller in more than one cultish environment in my time and it did cost me everything the world has to 'offer'. I am happy though as I have God and I have my freedom and can look myself in the mirror in the morning. Have nothing to lose and nothing to hide anymore. Priceless.
This is exactly what my mother did. Despite all the infidelity and everything attached, she stayed until the situation became unbearable. Even then, she had ME fill out all the documentation as provided by legal aid (she supposedly couldn’t afford an attorney but she could afford plastic surgery at the time) and she lives under the delusion that he’ll come back even now that they’ve been divorced for 40 years now. I literally banned her from the hospital I was in at the time (stroke) for “recounting” all these “fun” stories with said cheater. BTW- the times weren’t all that fun at all.
@@blue.5058I am really sorry to hear this. Enablers can almost seem as toxic if not worse at times. I have had to deal with toxic enablement a few minutes ago. My Mum has a really toxic Narcissistic brother who lives next door. She won't hear a bad word against him but will literally run upstairs and hide whenever he comes round and leave me to deal with it. So he is a great brother but she doesn't ever want to see him or spend time with him and we are the problem when we say anything. Enabling (blind eye) can be so infuriating and exasperating as it is a constant throwing of people under the bus or using them as a human shield so they don't have to deal with the narcissist. They know how bad they are but they don't want to deal with it and will sacrifice people who are kind to them so they can get what they want.
An entire family of in-laws and a couple dozen mutual friends all new about his affairs and not a single one told me. How disheartening to know I meant so little to so many.
I just saw an anti bullying campaign ad about 2 teenage bullies bullying an old lady at a bus stop. It had a really enabling message, I'm so glad for this video, thank you.
That’s my sister. She would throw me under the bus in order to get her way, sometimes it was just to force me to do things for her, sometimes it was to enhance her golden child status.
Im 40 yrs old and still trying to emotionally deal with the damage and reality of my mother being a narcissistic and my father enabled her.He NEVER til this day stood up for me. His only daughter youngest child .NEVER til this day he sees my mother is always right and my feelings mean nothing.In fact my mother has turned my entire family against me other then my two daughters.I have not spoken to my brothers in close to 7 yrs.My aunts and everyone else hate me.It is all due to my mother.
I’ve got you beat…I’m 72….94 narc mother, 97 narc father… He knows she’s volatile…but he rather have it directed at anyone but him…and then he defends her…a WWII veteran who fancies himself a hero….is actually a bully in my eyes…his daughter….all so sad….i gave myself a birthday gift for my last birthday and I have minimal co tact…and haven’t seen them in 7 weeks and seriously don’t care anymore
My mom is the sweetest most caring person in the world but when it came to my father “that’s just the way he is and you gotta accept it and forgive him”
I hope your child wises up! Never close the door on your child, he or she needs you more than ever! Turning them away will only prove them right, be kind and say what you just I, time is on your side, even the child is smart they'll realize something's not right!
It has been my experience that the enablers first have to literally fall on their faces to stop their unfortunate goings-on. Nothing else will stop them, because they see the narc as the fat golden goose.
Definitely recognize this type of enabler. The best thing you can do is lump them together with the narcissist/abusive person and cut them off. They are as bad as the abusers themselves. In many ways, they think exactly like the narcissist’s, and the result will be the same: you thrown under the bus, all for their benefit. The only thing they care about is how well they can cover that up and paint you as the one being “difficult “ and/or the “trouble-maker”. Delightedly, they will ignore other people’s suffering as long as it doesn’t impact their continuing to receive their benefits.
Excellently articulated! So powerful when u give clarity to our experiences 🙏🏾 The worst is being thrown under the bus by ur own people, however that applies. It withers the soul at a very deep level ☮️
I can so relate to this in my own family and some work situations over the years. It is so hurtful to be accused of being the one with the problem when you're the one trying to recognise what is actually going on. Both my Mum and my sister have spent years excusing the appallingly selfish, controlling behaviour of partners with the old chestnut of "he had such a hard time as a child ..."etc It is refreshing to hear you calling this out ... I never accepted their excuses anyway but it helps others to understand what is going on if they are not already doing so. People wasting years of their lives playing a role in sham or toxic relationships because they mistakenly believe that walking away will be worse! 🙏🙌
Yes something is not right! They mustn't be on board for trying to better themselves, grow spiritually, happy to be on board being part of a dysfunctional situation, how can it be? The narcs discredit us before we blow a gasket and their cover, it's survival of the meanest and stupidest... Them!
I am thankful that people like you exists Dr. Ramani. Otherwise at 40 yrs of age, I would have never discovered my father was a self serving enabler. Actually that discovery is more heartbreaking that finding out that my mother is a narcissist. Long back, I used to work at a homerun school. The teacher there was consistently emotionally abusive to one of the kids. I couldn't take it and reported it to the child's parent. The parents interfered, questioned the teacher and pulled their child out of the school. The teacher felt betrayed by me but in my heart and soul I knew what I did was right. When I shared this story with my seemingly empathetic and caring dad, he told that I should have never reported it to the parent, as the teacher was treating me nice and paying me well and that I was being disloyal to the teacher. He had so much empathy for the teacher and not the child. I was shocked and surprised by his response. Looking back, that was how my entire childhood was. Though he never abused me, he allowed all the abuse to occur, coming from the narcissistic mother. Whenever I tell him about the bad treatment that I was receiving, he would say to just forget it and to not take it seriously. My mother emotionally abused him too, consistently, yet he never left her all these 41 years! He says whatever she says, he just let it not affect him. How can someone live like that? Wow! What a life have I lived!
You just described my brother-in-law. I have dealt with him for 37 years and have watched my sister and her children be abused by him, and me too. I just can't do it anymore. I can't look the other way when it's so damn obvious just to keep the peace. When my Mom was alive he kept himself in check to a certain degree, but since she's been gone he has become a rift between my sister and I, and the rest of the family. Everyone just says, you know Steve, that's just the way he is. Nope, it's not acceptable to me anymore. My Dad was just the same. I'm not going for round 2 it's just too painful. It sucks because they destroy what could be good relationships.
I got to see Elie Weisel speak. Here's the quote and thereafter “We must take sides. Neutrality helps the oppressor, never the victim. Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented. Sometimes we must interfere. When human lives are endangered, when human dignity is in jeopardy, national borders and sensitivities become irrelevant. Wherever men and women are persecuted because of their race, religion, or political views, that place must - at that moment - become the center of the universe.”
Yeah, I've seen this "dance" before. It is FASCINATING to see what folks will overlook/support in the interest of their own pursuits (usually financially driven). :(. I totally agree with Dr. R! I would suggest you DISTANCE yourself from this shit whenever and wherever you can! It comes down to: What. Do. You. Stand. For! 'Nuff said! :)
There are many self-serving enablers in the government here. In the domestic sphere, my siblings are also self-serving enablers of parental narcissistic abuse.
Dr. Ramani, you’re a life saver 💜 I would LOVE if you could do a video on narcissists restructuring family systems to benefit themselves. My aunt used to hate when my grandparents spent time with me and my brother. When she had kids she convinced my grandparents to move away from us, close to her, and she spent over 20 years making up lies about us and putting us down to brainwash my grandparents against us. She also never allowed us to visit my grandparents without her being there too so she could control the environment. As a result, we never had the chance to bond with them. My cousin became the golden child, and I was the truth teller turned scapegoat. Would love to know if this has happened to others too.
So sad, everyone can see through them too, but no-one has the guts to speak out, the one that does, is scapegoated and made an example of…so you get shut down for telling the truth ! They control the narrative, they control the entire family. ❤️
Absolutely it happens frequently. They typically isolate certain people from others, as a form of control. Spouses from their family of origin or others who may be a source of support. They are excellent manipulators.
Are you feeling better, Dr. Ramani? 🙏 You pretty much just called out my family. Even for those who witness the mistreatment, they resort to stonewalling or gaslighting to keep me quiet. They’re hellbent on preserving the family image and satisfying their own needs. It’s sickening really.
This video explains really well how unfortunately some enablers are. The malignant narcissist knows very well how to get these enablers in order to fullfil his/her objectives. Thanks a lot Dr. Ramani for your amazing videos. Lots of love from Spain 🙋🏻♀️🙏,
Gosh, Dr. Ramini, the toxic boss and their enabler situation is so on point! The enabler ended up invalidating me and my experience the whole time so I wouldn't report him to HR. Thanks for validating my experience!
I have a family member that is this type and it has been so painful to accept, but I have to or I get thrown under the bus again and again. Power of Awareness to All of us! Thank you for this video.
Its not always monetary gain ,in my extended family they do it for maintaining their support network with the narcissistic , they they have to enable my mothers behaviour , excuse it ,blame others ,invalidate me ,dad and brother. All to maintain thier narrative that the family of origin were good and strong. What surprises me is how all of my relatives have suffered from mental heath issues ..but everyone refuses t look at their roots ,constantly blaming the out side world for their own anxiety , lack of trust overly empathic and highly aware defensive behaviour.
One of my daughters was my mother's golden child. They developed a mother-daughter relationship and I was the scapegoat. The GC was happy to receive bigger gifts and overseas trips which her sisters had none of, and grew up to be a bit of a gold-digger in marrying. Those values were trained in.
This was the nieces of my MIL, who enjoyed the free cruises, and eventually got fed up when she started treating them like servants. In the end, my MIL has got her cumuppence, as she can no longer go on cruises.
Wow! I am so grateful that we have finally named this behavior that has been going on for centuries. We see it every day, and now we can observe without absorbing. Thank you, Thank you, Thank you for everything you are doing for this community!
I LOVED the Elie Wiesel quote! I think neutrality is something you will always get when you try to speak to people who are close to the narcissist about the abuse. So if you are from an abusive family it make sense NOT to turn to relatives who are unaware of what goes on behind closed doors. I have watched countless videos warning people not to do this. Yet I DID do it. I have confided in two of my cousins because I had nobody else to turn to. They both believe me! So that in and of itself is validating BUT they continue to remain neutral and enabling probably because there is a family tie to the narcs. I've been told "oh that's just how your brother is. he means well. he's always been like that!" I was told this after I had cried uncontrollably for hours on end after he ridiculed and criticized me and triggered me to the extreme. I couldn't stop crying or shaking. When I told my cousin about it that is how she responded :( So I felt unheard and invalidated. It was so confusing to me. Plus she still keeps in touch with my extremely narc mother and I totally understand why. She's not being abused by mom plus mom is her aunt. So why wouldn't she continue to connect with her? I wouldn't want her to steer clear of her but I think it also puts her and my other cousin in a very difficult position. But yeah, these people who are close to the narc will find a way to enable them. It's just so difficult and lonely to not have anyone with whom to confide. I'm sick of enablers in the family. When I leave this abusive house I will need to go no contact with everyone involved.
My kids love the goodies their mother provides!! Love this video. They’ll tell me how horrible she is and the shocking things she says but they pull right up to her table for the beach house and swimming pool! This same woman drove my son to his grave but the enablers still go back!! The main enabler calls himself a “ pleaser.”
Thank you so much Dr. Ramani. After three very long years, I think I can finally put my heart to rest. I had a self-serving enabler pathologize me & absolutely go right along with wreaking utter destruction on my life - and it WAS as bad as what the originating lunatic did, maybe worse, at least for me. And it was EXACTLY like a cult! "Holy" Leader and all. Utterly despicable.
My mother. Lord help. My narc husband pays her cell phone bill. "Maybe it's just a mid life crisis, Heather" After getting arrested for dv? My mom says, " Well I suppose THIS means no more cell phone, huh?" Thanks mom. Appreciate it.🤦♀️
I feel you. I’m starting to wrap my head around the fact that my mom never took responsibility for her own life, never was brave enough to stand on her own two feet and make a livelihood to support herself. So now, at nearly 60, it is even more unlikely that she will decide to do that. I will have to accept that she will continue being with and enable the narc father, so I will take the appropriate steps to protect myself if I’m not interested in being part of this dynamic. Like dr Ramani said in another video, one of the ways to becoming resistant to narcs is to dump the enablers. That’s gonna be a tough call, cos I love my mom. But I’m starting to see things much clearer - my love for my mom has kept me around my dad for way too long, at the expense of my health and happiness.
Thanks for this Dr Ramani. It came at a good time. I'm going through a rough time with my family right now. I've cut myself of from the narcissist over 15 years ago but the rest of my family doesn't respond to my texting attempts to catch up even though we text each other. I was the truth teller and became the scapegoat. I don't understand the family cult. I don't even talk about the narcissist to them. I am deeply sad that I can't see the others.
Same is going on with me , hang in there and take good care of yourself. I’ve been noticing I’m more and more sure of my truth, and that keeps me calm as I contemplate my future:)
There are usually a couple of things going on in the situation you describe....I'm in a similar situation, plus am a retired psychologist. The loss of the family unit....identity has been hard on me. We still did the family stuff with all the lifelong issues until my father died. As of his funeral, it became apparent to me that I died too. I am the family scapegoat. Mom the narc plays innocent, and feeds out misinformation....oh I went to sisters house for dinner, didn't know it was Christmas dinner and everyone would be there.....or I would have told u. So many painful events have unfolded. Neices and nephews I helped raise having babies that I don't even know the name of, only hear from mutual acquaintances. There was no fight, no blow-up just death of Controlling dad..... so I have pieced it together....I have 2 very narcisstic sisters who enable my elderly mom and with her permission restrict her,and I have a sister who is a flying monkey that literally comes in from out of province by plane, won't see me, fussed over mother narc, and admires the 2 narc sisters and their kids. I just don't exist. So on medical forms, legal forms I put "no next of kin". I expect no information from or on them, I know they smear me to extended family, so I conduct my life as if I'm alone. Doing this helps take away the pain of expectations and disappointments. But I haven't conqured the loneliness.
”Thrown under the narcissistic bus” 😅… love it. This is so enlightening! I also think that some enablers get something out of the narcissist on the psychological/emotional level, such as someone else is aggressive and uses up a lot of air so that the wall flower enabler, the one who actually feels better when someone else is a handful, like it kickstarts them, gets them moving, feeling more alive. When I tell those kind of enablers HELLO did u think that behaviour is ok? they may say naahh and be kind of blank in the face. They are passive and irresponsible, looking peaceful and humble 😣… Just like some of us may be more afraid and cowardly, but actually feel stressef out and hurt by the narcs behaviour…
What a total mind f*#%. Through the course of my healing and awakening I have come to realize that this is my mother… exactly! She was horribly abusive and stayed with my narcissistic dad. She’s just as sick as he is. It’s a whole new layer I’m unraveling in this process. Thank you so much for this information. This is truly life changing
All those 'reality' TV shows, especially the celebrity ones demonstrate this dynamic and pitch it as glamorous. Also Dr Ramani, if one recognises and speaks out they're labelled as 'TALL poppies' and the narc and the system, monkeys and enablers forever make you pay. In an unstable world where you have little options to change your job, relationship, residence ... the toxicity of the fall out of the call out is damaging, painful and de-stablizing. For me, the comments from other watchers are invaluable. It's like the pendulum has found the very limits of its arc and is on its inward journey to a still center within. ❣️
You have to understand your dealing with someone that has the emotional intellect of a child, if they don't get their way they will explode,implode, and deflate. It's a Hell of a show to watch when your not on the receiving end of it. You should have every right to laugh at someone else if you tell them not to do something and they do it anyway.
It is so true. Tylerl. It is really hard for average person to see thru the truth of who is right and wrong. With a manipulator like narc , a lot of ppl stand on the side of narc and believing the victim. Which may cause safety issue to the victim. Hope we spread this knowledge to the world to help world see the truth and not ignorant.
I have a brother who fully admits that he has let my sister treat me horribly because "if it isn't you, it will be me". We are in our 50's and 60's so it has gone on for many years. but he and I share some of the same treatment from her. I actually have more respect for him since he owns his behavior.
i wish you were my therapist, I'm sure so many people feel the same, your amazing & i want to thank you for taking the time from your life & making these video's which have helped millions of people your an angel
My Dad. He is my mother's INSTITUTIONALISED FOOT SOLDIER. He threw me under the bus for an easy life last year. My mother hurt me and I told her that she'd hurt me and he marched over to my house to tell me off for hurting mum. They are both a weak half person on their own and they team up and think they have some great marriage (they shame me for not being married and I'm middle aged now) but mum prevents my dad from ever feeling strong on his own and dad prevents mum from ever stepping out of her denial and defensiveness. Their marriage is toxic for ME, but they're the ones who are stuck beign half people.
I've always gotten comfort from this Dante quote : "“The hottest places in Hell are reserved for those who, in times of moral crisis, maintain their neutrality." :)
Fantastic quote. It's so wrong and the neutral act as if they have done nothing wrong.
…This. 👏
Those people are known by the name of 'opportunists'
Wow. So poignant. Thank you
I would like to oppose this a bit. Sometimes it is pretty hard and confusing to figure out how things really are for third party as not always everything is black and white. And you certainly do not want to take sides immediately in an ongoing conflict where you do not have enough information - you could actually cause more harm than good. What was mentioned in the video, to not rely just on one side´s information and talk with all interested parties with honesty, is best approach and even then it is better to tread lightly.
Sometimes these people are worse than the narcissist. The best thing is to leave the group, disengage, just stop playing the game. Thank you Dr Ramani
So true. I got rid of myself from such unhealthy groups.
@Lib S This is my opinion too ‼️
We enablers are the ones who can potentially change and make a difference 💪🏼😊
Yukio Saito well done ✅
ysmithriley yeah :)
It’s amazing how the enabler will complain about the narcissist and how they treat them but if you and the narcissist have an issue. Then the enabler is triangulated and then targets you and listens to the narcissist’s warped view of the world.
I’m going through this now. Enabler mother narc sibling
Narc enablers will easily/ happily throw others under the bus to continue getting the “gifts” they get from the narc. All they care about is themselves.
Yes!!!
Yep, sister put our mother through hell taking sides with our cheating and abusive father so that he would pay college tuition/housing/money flowing to her.
This is so true.!! Actually, it's weird that many of us have experience this kind of abuse... It's actually scary
This is validating ❤
Right beacause everyone enabling a narccicist is the same.
REAL NUANCED VEIW.
Sometimes enablers are protecting themselves from the narcissist's bullying and are willing to throw you on the line instead. They do what the narcissist wants because they are actually afraid (or cowards)
No excuse. Have a backbone.
I know a self-righteous enabler that's this way. I can kinda understand why she does it; she wants to be able to see her grandkid and for her physically disabled daughter that lives with her to be able to see her niece (the mom tried calling the daughter out on her bullshit and the narc banned her from seeing her granddaughter for almost a month) but it's still frustrating because the disabled daughter wants to tell her so bad to stop enabling and go low contact like she did, cause she knows it might alleviate some of her physical ailments that are being exacerbated by the stress of the narc. It's hell living with an enabler.
Yes. It doesn't even have to be about money or perks. Simply not wanting the blow back from a confrontation is enough to keep some enablers in their roles. However, they could legitimately express their fears and say, "You know, I just can't handle a difficult conversation with XYZ right now, but I totally agree that he/she is a nightmare." Instead, they go the gaslighting route, which is what makes them reprehensible. They go from being self-protecting, which most people can understand, to participating in the narc's web of scapegoating and lies.
when this is your father and
The ones thrown under bus
are *his children* .
@@falsehoodbasher7240 ditto
And now I understand how narc politicians stay in office. They hand out just enough goodies.
I made a joke, here it is; What does it mean to accept a bribe? It means you have a future!
👏👏👏💜💜💜🗽👍
Well said
@@joseenoel8093 😅👌🏼good1
I made a pun joke on your joke "futures"( waiting to cash-in)😆😹
Politics are different, it's telling people what they want to hear so they support you
I've always been an outsider,in my family. It was lonely, isolating, painful and confusing. At 58.. I wear the "outsider" badge with pride. I'm the truth teller and I'm nothing like them!.. , I'm free! 🌻
I am enjoying being the outsider and truth-teller, too.
I am the truth teller too so I have been ostracized.
Me too! I married into this crazy family. My MIL is the narcissist and the entire extended family are all enablers! I’m the only one that stands my ground and stands up to it, but believe me I’ve paid dearly. An authentic life is the only way for me to live and I can not remain silent or agreeable and still be true to myself…. So I don’t really even look at it as a choice…. All I know is that I can sleep knowing I stay true to myself always.
@@julieingle78
Exactly, same here.
Amen!
"There is no neutrality in abuse and enabling." Thank you
My mother was the narcissist and my dad was the enabler. Not sure which one did me more damage tbh. 💔
What I find repulsive is that the man will be the enabler to a narcissist wife because he doesn't want his nights to be G rated.
All to the same dumpster
Same here
💔
Same! I thought my dad was a victim like us…. now that I am 49 and my mom is dead, my dad’s true evil is showing up in spades.
This type of enabler has the mentality of “well you’re not gonna pay my bills or hook me up with connections, like the narcissist is, so ill just turn a blind eye”
Selfishness at it's highest. I would rather lose my job than be a crazy narcs pawn.
@@Joe-to8og 👏👏👏👍
They are weak minded, pretentious, superficial creatures with absolutely no depth of character. There is nothing under their useless, gormless lexis (words and vocabulary) of any value. It is all empty just like the narcissist.
I do lose a job because I refused to be the pawn.
yup pretty much
Enablers don't want justice, they just want quiet.
I hate enablers. Without them there’s no Narcissist.
“Low self esteem is a terrible thing to waste” ~Every narcissist ever
Rahm Emanuel said that? lol
😂 that’s a great quote
Thx! Goldilocks!!!!! I needed that!!!!!
My God. What a phenomenal quote. Thank you
😳
It's good to see other people recognize that remaining neutral is _not_ inherently mature and fair. I'm pretty young, and the number of people over the age of 25 who think this is somehow the best option under nearly any circumstances is astounding. I like to call it "pseudo-maturity", because boy the frequency with which I observe it requires I put a name to it. It's not level-headed to invalidate somebody's experience when they're just trying to talk, and telling them they "might be at fault too" since "nobody's perfect" when they're already upset. Yeah, nobody is perfect- which is exactly why you can't say somebody's at fault for not living up to the unrealistic and conceptually unprovable standard of perfection. Would you claim a murder victim was at fault too, just because he'd taken a paperclip from the murderer without asking? No, that's not how fault works, and I'm really tired of this form of socially acceptable and even socially encouraged invalidation
You should be - and good for you! I truly hope the young generation finds a way to create a better world for yourselves ✌️
Sounds like you’re talking about Gen X, their favorite thing to say is they’re not perfect, just so they don’t have to admit their wrongdoing to someone, but want to hold everyone else accountable, and believe they’re so mature.
@@thesimoneshow2608 it's true that I seem to see it a lot in people in that age range- I'm not really sure _how_ that happened but I do wonder how people go through life with so little ability in critical thinking
I've noticed the same thing and it's always infuriated me that people act like it should pass unnoticed that they are kind and tolerant of somebody who is evil to you. Like there's nothing wrong with that. I cleaned house.
@@kdavis4910 ah the old classic, false virtues
where "humility" equals low self-esteem and "kindness" becomes avoiding confrontation when it's uncomfortable or inconvenient
It is heart breaking when you are surrounded by such people.
So grateful for this content. I lived the life that she explains being the "scapegoat". It is so liberating to know it is not me! It never was me! I'm not crazy! 🎉 I'm even more free!
Absolutely true....without enablers there won't be any narcissists.
Dr.Ramini you explain them so well!
Pollyanna and self serving traits can be seen together sometimes.
Enablers are worst than the narcissists because they support the abuse!
@@realhealing7802 Yep and then you have two problems when it's bad enough to have only one.
It gaslights you even more and you start accepting that it's all your fault.
"Yep. Enablers are abusers too. They're watching someone hold your head underwater and saying 'My life would be so much easier if you could stop complaining and just drown'..."- Reddit 'Raised By Narcissists' comment
💯
Wow! That’s exactly it.
Yup. Been there.
This hit home HARD. My mom almost killed me in a narc rage (I have the scar on my head to prove it) HOWEVER she is the person in the family who has the money, who helps the people, who does THE things…. I’ve lived surrounded by family members who gaslighted me about my own abuse, because they were benefiting materially (real estate). A bleeding, needy autistic 9 year old child is WAY TOO inconvenient, when you’re an immigrant set on making money in the new country. I never looked at the self serving aspect of it…. But EVERYONE benefits from my mother’s kindness and business acumen (a golden cage I am trying to break free from) I honestly ache when I think about how awful it must have been for me (I “forgot “ about the abuse….until I shaved my head) being surrounded by adults who had something to gain if they didn’t speak up for me.
I am sorry of what have happened to you, and YES you should break away from that toxicity. You are not alone. My ex wife did the same thing, she was always a narc, one day I have realized and dic=vorced her, we had 2 kids, she became brainwashed them agaisnt me, I was the best DAD in the world , I did my best . They are 2 amazing kids, boy is 21 and daughter 15, now they are all narcs. My ex is in Real Estate makes good money , she has THE POWER and the kids chose her side for their materialistic desires and support all the stuff she says and she decides....
I am done.
One quote :
" If you think they don't care about you , believe them "
I am sorry you had to experience it all😧my narc mother isn't exactly rich, but she gifts decent money on weddings, helps with things like connections and payments for medical care. But it is kind of satisfying to know for sure that after her death the enablers will mourn mostly her monetary help, but not her "loving and caring" personality 😉
I am crying for you. Please leave the narcissist ASAP if you haven't already.
2:40 "The self-serving ENABLERS can be very damaging! They are the ones who feel most like CULT MEMBERS or are willing to do the bidding of the cult." Agreed!
I find that my main challenge has switched from the narcissist to the enablers. I have gone no contact with the narcissist, but the enablers still continue the abuse on their behalf.
What a shock this has been! Now it looks like I have to go no contact with the enablers as well.
Dr Ramani is doing a great community service by posting these videos. They are well made, educational, and helpful to so many people who are struggling in these toxic relationships at home and at work. Thank you Dr Ramani!
Yes she's a god-send and a natural, she makes sense out of situations which have had us baffled for years and for which we felt no one was suffering through but us!
This describes my last work place. I felt as if I was going crazy because I was ridiculed for setting boundaries and pointing out a huge issue that was happening in the work place. I got completely thrown under the bus, then told it was not that bad and I've been questioning my sanity ever since. Thank you so much for this video, this helps validate me so I know I'm not crazy.
Leave them
Get another job
I still have to deal with this behavior and i don’t know how to handle this. It creeps me out!
These are the family members that will never stick up for you. They say things like: 'oh, I just don’t wan‘t to deal with that so you’re on your own.' While you are being bullied by narcissists.
I have a family member who is exactly like this and is getting financial benefits from my narc mom. The saddest bit is that my narc mom will always tell me bad things about her own enabler. It's sad. Thank you Dr. Ramani.
Oh yeah, this is they funniest part of all this comedy.
My sister is the enabler of my wacko other sister. I had asked her for help many times, but was ignored. I walked out on her too and now she is left with the narcopath wacko. Drinks for everybody!
It's called the gravy train.
I have Two siblings. One is the narc and one is the enabler. Im significantly younger than them. I never stood a chance. Took me almost 50 years to figure out what the heck was happening to me my whole life. I thought I was going crazy. Not anymore. I see them for what they are now. Knowledge is power. Thank you Dr. Ramani!
It is my birthday today Dr Ramani ... i turn 55 and i want to tell you that your talks have helped me a lot and they continue to do so ... thank you so much ... love and respect to you
Happy birthday beautiful person :)
Happy Birthday!💖
@Bad Art Tangent thank you
@@springBloomsinAwe thank you
@@liudmilaaleagaaguilera8876 thank you
I was told by my enabling sister to "ASSUME THE BEST" in people.
You are an asset to the oppressed. Thank you for all your efforts to help educate and inform.
Dr. Ramani, it sounds like you may be suffering from a cold, allergies, sinuses or something... I just want to say that I hope you feel better soon and I thank you so, so much for the content you continue to put out for our community.
This is such a nice comment
Get well soon, Dr. Ramani.💞
Scapegoats know this all to well👀
"Taking sides" falls apart when the "victim" is the narcissist attempting to sell a story. We like to think we can see through it, but it's far more difficult than it seems. Narcissists are more practiced at playing the role than the actual victims ever are, and far more determined.
Ain’t that the truth. Have you also met the vulnerable, covert religious female martyr, victim and saint - behind closed doors hitler - whatever
Yep. And then the real victim gets demonised and prosecuted. Been there, done that, have a scarred mental self as a result.
I was just wondering if the narcissist can also be the enabler simultaneously….mine seemed to switch between the 2 roles constantly
@@runfaster8833 totally, as well as use "guerilla tactics". My Sister Dearest has been sucking up to Mommy Dearest since our father, who had been Sister Dearest's only employer and source of income for at least a decade, passed, while at the same time attempting a smear campaign behind her back. Face to face, she goes with Mommy Dearest's every whim. Behind her back, she constantly switches between justifying Mommy Dearest's crap and going on about Mommy Dearest being "not so young anymore", constantly forgetting things, and overall going senile. It was actually amusing to watch for a while.
@@runfaster8833 I think they can. It is another tool in their kit. In my experience they tend to almost form a club when it suits them given that using people transactionally is one of their signature behaviours
We use to just call these people opportunists
The first question one should ask oneself about the enabler who's trying to minimize or gaslight for the narcissist is, "What's in it for them?"" or who benefits?" cui bono? What is their relationship with the toxic person? When money, power, influence, and or identification is involved, the answer is a no-brainer.It's important to memorize that checklist. Afterward, ignore the enabler and carry on. They don't have your back.
@wolfgangk1 WELL SAID SURPRISE ‼️
my narcs enabler just wants a quiet life...
I can't accept only one situation of self serving enablers, when the law is broken and when human rights are taken away and everyone is playing fool pretending nothing happened.
I faced such a situation, and this is where my faith in justice seriously shattered.
I will never understand how can human lives and freedoms be exchanged for money of a common ego.
And why others do not understand each of them is the next, including the narcissist.
Self-serving enablers don't want their boats rocked....and YES, they gaslight others who 'overreact.' Thank you for the Elie Wiesel quote. You are just brilliant. You have helped reinforce the rightness of my putting distance between me and my former significant other and his wholly college age, narcissistic son. It is shocking to see these enabling traits in someone who is otherwise so well put together and harder to come to terms with the truth that once you see this, you can't unsee it.
I’ve got you beat…I’m 72….94 narc mother, 97 narc father…
He knows she’s volatile…but he rather have it directed at anyone but him…and then he defends her…a WWII veteran who fancies himself a hero….is actually a bully in my eyes…his daughter….all so sad….i gave myself a birthday gift for my last birthday and I have minimal co tact…and haven’t seen them in 7 weeks and seriously don’t care anymore
I don’t think they have empathy Dr. Ramani…they are just a different kind of wicked than the narcissist.
Some are apaths. They dont have empathy and they arent abusive either.
My father used my love for him to extract repeated assistance and presence with my abusive mother. Nothing like using your kids as a deflection to get relief. Took me years to recognize it and step away from that dynamic.
Some dynamic, as a child in *that* house 🏠 I would sonetimes pout 😡, just a pout on my face, I was made aware I was pouting by dad who pointed out to mom and they allied against me, wonder what my face looked like then.
@@joseenoel8093 😲
Same exact thing!! My dad did it to me in Public too!! He’d say, “Wipe a smile on that pouty face!”
And I’d have to stand there & do it.
Wow, did you bring back memories.
Let them pout now…☮️
Who was the poet, you mention
Same here.
Diana, what an awful version of "better you than me." Such a betrayal of your love and trust! So glad you have removed yourself from that horribly unhealthy dynamic.
“Don’t burn your bridges” is the motto of these enablers
You are literally saving our lives out here. Thank you. Not sure which is worse, self-serving enablers are also so painful and will gaslight and victim blame as well.
Yes, enablers will try and deny any and all misdeeds of the abuser and attack the victim it's all becausetheir own selfishness.
This sounds like all of Jeffrey Epstein's staff, honestly. Looking past all the poor victims because they were paid really well and Jeffrey was "so charismatic".
I disagree with Epstein example.
Epstein was at least a sociopath. He was into a whole lot more.
@@raymeester7883 the world knows all that but he and his sick 'business partner' chose young girls who were desperate for money. They didn't like the job but many stayed on regardle$$.
@@helenflouch
It was more than than choosing young girls desperate for money.
This goes beyond what almost everybody knows.
He was a billionaire trader without trades. No one is even asking questions.
@@helenflouch they were children. They were kidnapped and on a private island. Stayed for money??? Do planes grow out of their butts???????
@@therealJamieJoy I think she meant the staff stayed on (they're the enablers), not the children... at least that's how I interpreted it
Wow. You just perfectly described my parents. My father is a vengeful malignant narcissist who ridiculed and mocked me and my children our entire life. Picking on our faults and insecurities for his own giggle and narcissistic feed. Seemingly enjoying our stubbles in life for his own boost of self esteem. My mother is a self serving enabler who covers for him because she his trophy wife. He love bombs and spoils her so she stays devoted. She’s beautiful and loves his money and fancy high class vacations. I was the scape goat for years until I said no more and went no contact. My mother claims she never saw the abuse but I know for certain she chose to put blinders on. I’m 50 years old now and my own adult children now see the toxicity, manipulations and guilt trips controlling all of us so they’ve decided to go no contact with both of them as well. I’m my parents turned my entire family against me. I’m considered the unforgiving trouble maker that turned their grandchildren against them. 🤦🏻♀️ honestly I really don’t care what they say about me. I have my husband, children and friends who are proud of me for finally putting my needs and self love first. Thank you for all of your videos. They’ve helped me and my adult children tremendously. You validate and explain things so well. Couldn’t get through this healing journey without you. Much love. ❤ Melissa G from Massachusetts.
I am currently suffering deeply caused by these people who sp called are my friends and family members. Making me feel I am the sensitive one and trouble maker. At first, they come to me calling the narcissist out but soon after they turn back on me by building stronger relationship with the narcissist. But this video just brought me out of self accusing (I am the bad one).
All over the world, leaders of many nations are engaging in this dynamic. Prioritizing power and control above decency, respect and civility results in suffering.
Amen!
Dr. Ramani,
I am convinced that you know almost everyone I know! 😂
My former supervisor threw me under the narcissistic bus to save herself from the manipulation of the narcissists we worked with. She otherwise seemed like an empathetic, understanding person, who also buckles under anxiety. This video describes her behavior well.
it's so painful. happened to me too. I'm sorry 🫂
When you get that moment of, oh my instincts were correct all along. Sometimes you want to be wrong because the truth is so hurtful. You have to face it eventually though or the narcs will hurt you forever. Thank you so much for all your videos.
@Mary Carroll Thank you
Because of their willingness to turn a blind eye, they don't even care to know how far the abuse actually went or ongoing. They are just wishing that it goes away and others become collateral damages for the "system".
Indeed the cult is a system that calls for total blindness. They will even ignore child abuse just to keep the gravy train rolling.
It seems that some spouses do ignore their narcissist spouses infidelities to hold onto their status and lifestyle. Some enablers can even turn a blind eye when children are being abused. A lot of child abuse has perpetuated in society because people refuse to rock the boat and miss out on the gravy train. I have been a whistleblower/truthteller in more than one cultish environment in my time and it did cost me everything the world has to 'offer'. I am happy though as I have God and I have my freedom and can look myself in the mirror in the morning. Have nothing to lose and nothing to hide anymore. Priceless.
This is exactly what my mother did. Despite all the infidelity and everything attached, she stayed until the situation became unbearable. Even then, she had ME fill out all the documentation as provided by legal aid (she supposedly couldn’t afford an attorney but she could afford plastic surgery at the time) and she lives under the delusion that he’ll come back even now that they’ve been divorced for 40 years now.
I literally banned her from the hospital I was in at the time (stroke) for “recounting” all these “fun” stories with said cheater. BTW- the times weren’t all that fun at all.
@@blue.5058I am really sorry to hear this. Enablers can almost seem as toxic if not worse at times.
I have had to deal with toxic enablement a few minutes ago. My Mum has a really toxic Narcissistic brother who lives next door. She won't hear a bad word against him but will literally run upstairs and hide whenever he comes round and leave me to deal with it. So he is a great brother but she doesn't ever want to see him or spend time with him and we are the problem when we say anything. Enabling (blind eye) can be so infuriating and exasperating as it is a constant throwing of people under the bus or using them as a human shield so they don't have to deal with the narcissist. They know how bad they are but they don't want to deal with it and will sacrifice people who are kind to them so they can get what they want.
An entire family of in-laws and a couple dozen mutual friends all new about his affairs and not a single one told me. How disheartening to know I meant so little to so many.
None of those people have any integrity whatsoever. I’m sorry you had to go through that.
I just saw an anti bullying campaign ad about 2 teenage bullies bullying an old lady at a bus stop. It had a really enabling message, I'm so glad for this video, thank you.
That’s my sister. She would throw me under the bus in order to get her way, sometimes it was just to force me to do things for her, sometimes it was to enhance her golden child status.
Im 40 yrs old and still trying to emotionally deal with the damage and reality of my mother being a narcissistic and my father enabled her.He NEVER til this day stood up for me. His only daughter youngest child .NEVER til this day he sees my mother is always right and my feelings mean nothing.In fact my mother has turned my entire family against me other then my two daughters.I have not spoken to my brothers in close to 7 yrs.My aunts and everyone else hate me.It is all due to my mother.
I’ve got you beat…I’m 72….94 narc mother, 97 narc father…
He knows she’s volatile…but he rather have it directed at anyone but him…and then he defends her…a WWII veteran who fancies himself a hero….is actually a bully in my eyes…his daughter….all so sad….i gave myself a birthday gift for my last birthday and I have minimal co tact…and haven’t seen them in 7 weeks and seriously don’t care anymore
My mom is the sweetest most caring person in the world but when it came to my father “that’s just the way he is and you gotta accept it and forgive him”
Thank you for this. Even more painful when an enabler is your own, & only child.🥺💔And EVERYONE around me.🖤
I’m so sorry for you, Traci.
You are here & you are not alone anymore.🤗✊🏻
I hope your child wises up! Never close the door on your child, he or she needs you more than ever! Turning them away will only prove them right, be kind and say what you just I, time is on your side, even the child is smart they'll realize something's not right!
It has been my experience that the enablers first have to literally fall on their faces to stop their unfortunate goings-on. Nothing else will stop them, because they see the narc as the fat golden goose.
I relate. So so painful!
@@suzyhomeacre Thank you Sister💗 Heaven Bless you!!!❤️🌺🤗🌹🙏🏼🕊️🌻
Definitely recognize this type of enabler. The best thing you can do is lump them together with the narcissist/abusive person and cut them off. They are as bad as the abusers themselves. In many ways, they think exactly like the narcissist’s, and the result will be the same: you thrown under the bus, all for their benefit. The only thing they care about is how well they can cover that up and paint you as the one being “difficult “ and/or the “trouble-maker”. Delightedly, they will ignore other people’s suffering as long as it doesn’t impact their continuing to receive their benefits.
Excellently articulated! So powerful when u give clarity to our experiences 🙏🏾 The worst is being thrown under the bus by ur own people, however that applies. It withers the soul at a very deep level ☮️
“It withers the soul at a very deep level” - truth!
I can so relate to this in my own family and some work situations over the years. It is so hurtful to be accused of being the one with the problem when you're the one trying to recognise what is actually going on.
Both my Mum and my sister have spent years excusing the appallingly selfish, controlling behaviour of partners with the old chestnut of "he had such a hard time as a child ..."etc
It is refreshing to hear you calling this out ... I never accepted their excuses anyway but it helps others to understand what is going on if they are not already doing so.
People wasting years of their lives playing a role in sham or toxic relationships because they mistakenly believe that walking away will be worse! 🙏🙌
Yes something is not right! They mustn't be on board for trying to better themselves, grow spiritually, happy to be on board being part of a dysfunctional situation, how can it be? The narcs discredit us before we blow a gasket and their cover, it's survival of the meanest and stupidest... Them!
Hyping seems to be another tactic of the self server. They hype and praise the Narc to hide them behind a shiny glorious facade.
As a believer in gray power, I am loving seeing you rock yours!
I am thankful that people like you exists Dr. Ramani. Otherwise at 40 yrs of age, I would have never discovered my father was a self serving enabler. Actually that discovery is more heartbreaking that finding out that my mother is a narcissist.
Long back, I used to work at a homerun school. The teacher there was consistently emotionally abusive to one of the kids. I couldn't take it and reported it to the child's parent. The parents interfered, questioned the teacher and pulled their child out of the school. The teacher felt betrayed by me but in my heart and soul I knew what I did was right. When I shared this story with my seemingly empathetic and caring dad, he told that I should have never reported it to the parent, as the teacher was treating me nice and paying me well and that I was being disloyal to the teacher. He had so much empathy for the teacher and not the child. I was shocked and surprised by his response.
Looking back, that was how my entire childhood was. Though he never abused me, he allowed all the abuse to occur, coming from the narcissistic mother. Whenever I tell him about the bad treatment that I was receiving, he would say to just forget it and to not take it seriously. My mother emotionally abused him too, consistently, yet he never left her all these 41 years! He says whatever she says, he just let it not affect him. How can someone live like that? Wow! What a life have I lived!
Bless you for calling out that teacher’s abusive behavior ❤
My nex is surrounded by enables especially his family this is all so true 😓
If enablers are not willing to further educate themselves--- I sincerely pity them and anyone else that they care about. 🙏 #karmaisreal
Dear doctor, you've just described 75% of our state and federal politicians and local officials!
I thought that materialism had a direct effect on Narcissism! Now I am convinced the materialism of enablers encourages the narcissism of narcissists.
You just described my brother-in-law. I have dealt with him for 37 years and have watched my sister and her children be abused by him, and me too. I just can't do it anymore. I can't look the other way when it's so damn obvious just to keep the peace. When my Mom was alive he kept himself in check to a certain degree, but since she's been gone he has become a rift between my sister and I, and the rest of the family. Everyone just says, you know Steve, that's just the way he is. Nope, it's not acceptable to me anymore. My Dad was just the same. I'm not going for round 2 it's just too painful. It sucks because they destroy what could be good relationships.
I got to see Elie Weisel speak. Here's the quote and thereafter “We must take sides. Neutrality helps the oppressor, never the victim. Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented. Sometimes we must interfere. When human lives are endangered, when human dignity is in jeopardy, national borders and sensitivities become irrelevant. Wherever men and women are persecuted because of their race, religion, or political views, that place must - at that moment - become the center of the universe.”
In my experience, this runs rampant among enablers of communal narcissists.
Yeah, I've seen this "dance" before. It is FASCINATING to see what folks will overlook/support in the interest of their own pursuits (usually financially driven). :(. I totally agree with Dr. R! I would suggest you DISTANCE yourself from this shit whenever and wherever you can! It comes down to: What. Do. You. Stand. For! 'Nuff said! :)
There are many self-serving enablers in the government here.
In the domestic sphere, my siblings are also self-serving enablers of parental narcissistic abuse.
Elie Wiesel's profound words are a call to action that I am taking as a personal challenge.
Dr. Ramani, you’re a life saver 💜 I would LOVE if you could do a video on narcissists restructuring family systems to benefit themselves. My aunt used to hate when my grandparents spent time with me and my brother. When she had kids she convinced my grandparents to move away from us, close to her, and she spent over 20 years making up lies about us and putting us down to brainwash my grandparents against us. She also never allowed us to visit my grandparents without her being there too so she could control the environment. As a result, we never had the chance to bond with them. My cousin became the golden child, and I was the truth teller turned scapegoat. Would love to know if this has happened to others too.
:( sending hugs
So sad, everyone can see through them too, but no-one has the guts to speak out, the one that does, is scapegoated and made an example of…so you get shut down for telling the truth ! They control the narrative, they control the entire family. ❤️
Absolutely it happens frequently. They typically isolate certain people from others, as a form of control. Spouses from their family of origin or others who may be a source of support. They are excellent manipulators.
Yes it's happening to me as we speak it's hard to watch and hurtful they believe the lies 💔 😔
I stay away from the whole lot of them. As a child I had a favorite aunt, when I met her decades later she was downright cruel to me, unbelivable!
Are you feeling better, Dr. Ramani? 🙏 You pretty much just called out my family. Even for those who witness the mistreatment, they resort to stonewalling or gaslighting to keep me quiet. They’re hellbent on preserving the family image and satisfying their own needs. It’s sickening really.
This video explains really well how unfortunately some enablers are. The malignant narcissist knows very well how to get these enablers in order to fullfil his/her objectives.
Thanks a lot Dr. Ramani for your amazing videos.
Lots of love from Spain 🙋🏻♀️🙏,
I shudder thinking of the damage these "DEMANDING" and "HIGH-STANDARDS bosses cause in their employees' lives. 😢
Gosh, Dr. Ramini, the toxic boss and their enabler situation is so on point! The enabler ended up invalidating me and my experience the whole time so I wouldn't report him to HR. Thanks for validating my experience!
This reminds me a lot my father, his family, and people around him.
It's always as if you are the one that's crazy.
me too
I have a family member that is this type and it has been so painful to accept, but I have to or I get thrown under the bus again and again. Power of Awareness to All of us! Thank you for this video.
Its not always monetary gain ,in my extended family they do it for maintaining their support network with the narcissistic , they they have to enable my mothers behaviour , excuse it ,blame others ,invalidate me ,dad and brother. All to maintain thier narrative that the family of origin were good and strong.
What surprises me is how all of my relatives have suffered from mental heath issues ..but everyone refuses t look at their roots ,constantly blaming the out side world for their own anxiety , lack of trust overly empathic and highly aware defensive behaviour.
One of my daughters was my mother's golden child. They developed a mother-daughter relationship and I was the scapegoat. The GC was happy to receive bigger gifts and overseas trips which her sisters had none of, and grew up to be a bit of a gold-digger in marrying. Those values were trained in.
This was the nieces of my MIL, who enjoyed the free cruises, and eventually got fed up when she started treating them like servants. In the end, my MIL has got her cumuppence, as she can no longer go on cruises.
Elie Wiesel was so right!
Thanks for pointing out this pattern.
What is your meaning? Thanks
Wow! I am so grateful that we have finally named this behavior that has been going on for centuries. We see it every day, and now we can observe without absorbing. Thank you, Thank you, Thank you for everything you are doing for this community!
I LOVED the Elie Wiesel quote! I think neutrality is something you will always get when you try to speak to people who are close to the narcissist about the abuse. So if you are from an abusive family it make sense NOT to turn to relatives who are unaware of what goes on behind closed doors. I have watched countless videos warning people not to do this. Yet I DID do it. I have confided in two of my cousins because I had nobody else to turn to. They both believe me! So that in and of itself is validating BUT they continue to remain neutral and enabling probably because there is a family tie to the narcs. I've been told "oh that's just how your brother is. he means well. he's always been like that!" I was told this after I had cried uncontrollably for hours on end after he ridiculed and criticized me and triggered me to the extreme. I couldn't stop crying or shaking. When I told my cousin about it that is how she responded :( So I felt unheard and invalidated. It was so confusing to me. Plus she still keeps in touch with my extremely narc mother and I totally understand why. She's not being abused by mom plus mom is her aunt. So why wouldn't she continue to connect with her? I wouldn't want her to steer clear of her but I think it also puts her and my other cousin in a very difficult position. But yeah, these people who are close to the narc will find a way to enable them. It's just so difficult and lonely to not have anyone with whom to confide. I'm sick of enablers in the family. When I leave this abusive house I will need to go no contact with everyone involved.
Yep, that's what they do. They keep that gravy train going
Thank you
My kids love the goodies their mother provides!! Love this video. They’ll tell me how horrible she is and the shocking things she says but they pull right up to her table for the beach house and swimming pool! This same woman drove my son to his grave but the enablers still go back!! The main enabler calls himself a “ pleaser.”
Thank you so much Dr. Ramani. After three very long years, I think I can finally put my heart to rest. I had a self-serving enabler pathologize me & absolutely go right along with wreaking utter destruction on my life - and it WAS as bad as what the originating lunatic did, maybe worse, at least for me.
And it was EXACTLY like a cult! "Holy" Leader and all. Utterly despicable.
My mother. Lord help. My narc husband pays her cell phone bill. "Maybe it's just a mid life crisis, Heather"
After getting arrested for dv? My mom says, " Well I suppose THIS means no more cell phone, huh?"
Thanks mom. Appreciate it.🤦♀️
cell phone service is SUPER CHEAP. Is her own daughter worth more than 25 bucks a month? She can get a tracfone!!! SERIOUSLY!!
She has that too Jamie
I had to look that up. DV is domestic violence. Jesus Christ.
I feel you. I’m starting to wrap my head around the fact that my mom never took responsibility for her own life, never was brave enough to stand on her own two feet and make a livelihood to support herself. So now, at nearly 60, it is even more unlikely that she will decide to do that. I will have to accept that she will continue being with and enable the narc father, so I will take the appropriate steps to protect myself if I’m not interested in being part of this dynamic. Like dr Ramani said in another video, one of the ways to becoming resistant to narcs is to dump the enablers. That’s gonna be a tough call, cos I love my mom. But I’m starting to see things much clearer - my love for my mom has kept me around my dad for way too long, at the expense of my health and happiness.
Thanks for this Dr Ramani. It came at a good time. I'm going through a rough time with my family right now. I've cut myself of from the narcissist over 15 years ago but the rest of my family doesn't respond to my texting attempts to catch up even though we text each other. I was the truth teller and became the scapegoat. I don't understand the family cult. I don't even talk about the narcissist to them. I am deeply sad that I can't see the others.
Same is going on with me , hang in there and take good care of yourself. I’ve been noticing I’m more and more sure of my truth, and that keeps me calm as I contemplate my future:)
There are usually a couple of things going on in the situation you describe....I'm in a similar situation, plus am a retired psychologist. The loss of the family unit....identity has been hard on me. We still did the family stuff with all the lifelong issues until my father died. As of his funeral, it became apparent to me that I died too. I am the family scapegoat. Mom the narc plays innocent, and feeds out misinformation....oh I went to sisters house for dinner, didn't know it was Christmas dinner and everyone would be there.....or I would have told u. So many painful events have unfolded. Neices and nephews I helped raise having babies that I don't even know the name of, only hear from mutual acquaintances. There was no fight, no blow-up just death of Controlling dad..... so I have pieced it together....I have 2 very narcisstic sisters who enable my elderly mom and with her permission restrict her,and I have a sister who is a flying monkey that literally comes in from out of province by plane, won't see me, fussed over mother narc, and admires the 2 narc sisters and their kids. I just don't exist. So on medical forms, legal forms I put "no next of kin". I expect no information from or on them, I know they smear me to extended family, so I conduct my life as if I'm alone. Doing this helps take away the pain of expectations and disappointments. But I haven't conqured the loneliness.
”Thrown under the narcissistic bus” 😅… love it.
This is so enlightening!
I also think that some enablers get something out of the narcissist on the psychological/emotional level, such as someone else is aggressive and uses up a lot of air so that the wall flower enabler, the one who actually feels better when someone else is a handful, like it kickstarts them, gets them moving, feeling more alive. When I tell those kind of enablers HELLO did u think that behaviour is ok? they may say naahh and be kind of blank in the face. They are passive and irresponsible, looking peaceful and humble 😣… Just like some of us may be more afraid and cowardly, but actually feel stressef out and hurt by the narcs behaviour…
What a total mind f*#%. Through the course of my healing and awakening I have come to realize that this is my mother… exactly! She was horribly abusive and stayed with my narcissistic dad. She’s just as sick as he is. It’s a whole new layer I’m unraveling in this process. Thank you so much for this information. This is truly life changing
All those 'reality' TV shows, especially the celebrity ones demonstrate this dynamic and pitch it as glamorous.
Also Dr Ramani, if one recognises and speaks out they're labelled as 'TALL poppies' and the narc and the system, monkeys and enablers forever make you pay. In an unstable world where you have little options to change your job, relationship, residence ... the toxicity of the fall out of the call out is damaging, painful and de-stablizing. For me, the comments from other watchers are invaluable. It's like the pendulum has found the very limits of its arc and is on its inward journey to a still center within. ❣️
You have to understand your dealing with someone that has the emotional intellect of a child, if they don't get their way they will explode,implode, and deflate. It's a Hell of a show to watch when your not on the receiving end of it. You should have every right to laugh at someone else if you tell them not to do something and they do it anyway.
It is so true. Tylerl. It is really hard for average person to see thru the truth of who is right and wrong. With a manipulator like narc , a lot of ppl stand on the side of narc and believing the victim. Which may cause safety issue to the victim. Hope we spread this knowledge to the world to help world see the truth and not ignorant.
Becomes so so clear once it's pointed out to you. Thank you so much!
I have a brother who fully admits that he has let my sister treat me horribly because "if it isn't you, it will be me". We are in our 50's and 60's so it has gone on for many years. but he and I share some of the same treatment from her. I actually have more respect for him since he owns his behavior.
i wish you were my therapist, I'm sure so many people feel the same, your amazing & i want to thank you for taking the time from your life & making these video's which have helped millions of people your an angel
My Dad. He is my mother's INSTITUTIONALISED FOOT SOLDIER. He threw me under the bus for an easy life last year. My mother hurt me and I told her that she'd hurt me and he marched over to my house to tell me off for hurting mum. They are both a weak half person on their own and they team up and think they have some great marriage (they shame me for not being married and I'm middle aged now) but mum prevents my dad from ever feeling strong on his own and dad prevents mum from ever stepping out of her denial and defensiveness. Their marriage is toxic for ME, but they're the ones who are stuck beign half people.