self-righteous narcs are the biggest hypocrites of them all. his fav phrase to make himself sound so virtuous is "the thing i hate the most in the world is a liar" while he lies about everything. EXCEPT he believes his own fantasy/false reality so in his mind, he neverrrr lied !!!!!!!!!
This is all so true. When coming out of a relationship with a cheating alcoholic, the next guy who doesn't drink or smoke and who has a religious background and saves money seems like a really great option ... And so one might justify the really big red flags.
One form of extreme narcissism to another. I have made the mistake myself too many times of ignoring the Red Flags and trying to make things work harmoniously.
Yeah that’s what happened to me someone who didn’t drink has a good job and he had a side business he TJ weddings made good money at it . I thought I was getting a really nice guy but it was all fake he a narcissist and one of the worst people I ever met.
Yep this was me. I thought he was a great guy compared to my alcoholic ex, but turns out, not so much. They can be really tricky and tell you what you want to hear. Good to be aware and trust our intuition.
His love bombing is a LACK of his normal rigidity. He is more aloof and flexible. He puts more effort into appearing relaxed and less combative. He acts like a nice person and I always know that he is either trying to make up for a bad outrage or trying to get laid.
This is so true!! Constantly judging others, constantly thinking everyone is stupid and make wrong decisions, meanwhile thinking they themselves can do no wrong.
When you grow up in a family that is ALWAYS full of CHAOS and you can’t depend on anything or anyone EVER you will attach yourself to the very kind of narcissist that you are describing, Dr. Ramani.
Sure needed her yrs back but I'm sitting pretty, works for me! I've rejected so many guys and truly am attracted to the ones I need to track down preferring to choose, it's worked out but I find those attracted to me somehow insincere, interesting!
I've had a few self-righteous narcissists in my life, and one thing that is common to all of them is how rapidly they will flip into discard mode once you've apparently done something that violates one of their standards. It's like flipping a switch. And often, you don't even know what it was that you did as they just slam the door without explanation! And even if you do get an explanation, it is usually so over-the-top, off-kilter or bizarre that you are left just sitting there, not knowing how to even respond.
I experienced this with an ex-friend when I tried to stand up for myself with how they tended to try and smother my emotions and WOW seeing that completely different side was so shocking. Plus then all the accusations and belittling thrown at me were so inaccurate and bizarre I just felt confused and disoriented for weeks. Been doing a lot better since I got them out of my life.
This happened to me with my ex. I thought he was a mature responsible respectful successful adult who followed through with things, and he did, in the beginning, then he did not and he turned out to be someone really awful who really hurt betrayed and traumatized me. It was super hard for me to accept for a while that he was not who I thought he was. He was very good at pretending to be what I wanted him to be. Hard lesson to learn. Aware of it all now so protecting myself. 💗
OMG! Did we date the same guy????😅 the narcissist I was with for 8 months was the same way. I never experienced anyone like this , I'm 60. My only regret I stayed 8 months with this demon It's going on 3 months since I left him alone, no contact, blocked his number & social media. Getting stronger 💪🏾. Thanking God for it🙏🏾.
As someone who grew up with a self righteous narcissist life may seem like it’s full of order but deep inside it is rather painful, rigid, critical and full of gloom. The morality they preach is from a god complex they have and being their child in that prison like environment is hellish which is full of fear for the world and people which is how you are groomed. They may be good providers or love bomb you with gifts and such but be prepared to hear about how expensive it was for them at some point because they value money more than you as a person and those receipts will be saved to show you how much they spent on you as if you too are an object in their lives. Not only are others judged because they are not up to standard with the “rules of God” according to them which really have nothing to do with God but you as their child will be judged for the way you eat, sleep, talk, walk, dress, live, exist and any friends you choose since they may see any friends you have as never being good enough for you because friends are deemed as childish and a threat to the family cult. My self righteous parent would call people “peasants” and “ungodly” because they actually liked having innocent fun or had an objective mindset/ empathy and did not believe in extremism. Self righteous narcissists can be very extreme in beliefs not just restrictive. I would be punished for enjoying time with friends as a child and enjoying anything children may love to do being told to “grow up” and have morals for “winners” not “losers”so having fun was followed by punishment. People are often fooled and confused by their responsibility, loyalty, providing, maturity and morality which are all good traits that are warped in abuse with them and their abuse is another type of torture where you are always a child in their eyes no matter how old where you can never do anything right or someone who is doomed in need of their correction by them as gods of the planet because they are always above everyone and anyone. You will develop low self esteem, anxiety, depression, CPTSD, perfectionism issues, insomnia, self doubt, fear of life and people in general and always question yourself because you end up thinking that you are indeed the demon who can never be up to par with their insane standards they deem as moral which is nothing but a trap in their self righteous narcissism bubble.
I feel your pain. I was married to the person you're describing. I certainly hope that you are living a life that brings you contentment, validation and happiness. You deserve it.
I see you ❤️ much of this description is familiar to me too. Well said. I wish you much peace as you work through this journey of sorting it out and healing from this overbearing type of person. They steal a lot from us over time in our innocent attempts to bond with them. Seeing it is the key to it all and the beginning of getting past it. Once you see the patterns, it’s uphill. There’s light and hope at the end of the tunnel :) ✌️
My dad was like that… growing up with him was so painful and everyone around would say “your dad is a doctor, he is such a great provider, etc” and it means nothing because he was so cruel to me that I still have pain almost 30 years later
Ok everything you said is just now it is . My mother will offered to help me with the cost of some thing for my daughter and as soon as she pays for it then she’s like something of hers is broken and it must be my fault because she gave me money to buy my daughter a clarinet every single time she does this and now she doesn’t have the money for something she needs . I supposed to feel bad I guess. Last time she did this I told her I payed for it too and if she didn’t want to do it why did she offer to begin with so she could make me feel crappy.
Yup. This describes my ex. I'd just come out of a sort of chaotic relationship where I never really knew where I stood and I questioned the morals of my partner, and here was this fellow being very clear, very mature, prepared to commit, with his act together, already a homeowner, with a good job, so responsible with his health, so self-assured, that he made me feel comfortable and safe. I noticed his judgement and criticism, and even mentioned it, but he just said "yeah, I've heard that before." When he began to be controlling or invalidating, I was still at the point where I tried to justify it and see from his point of view. The dynamic emerged between us where he was the authority on everything, and I was wrong and inadequate unless I enthusiastically agreed with him and did everything his way. I lost so many parts of myself. I walked on eggshells. He had me completely under his control. Eventually, however, he pushed me too far, and I woke up. It still took another year for me to begin to see how toxic the relationship was, but then I left. I am so glad I did, and yet I am still healing.
I have a narcissistic mother who primarily focuses on my look and achievement and have been through narcissistic relationships. Looking at Dr.Ramani every day is part of my self-reparenting process. Thank you Dr.Ramani
My mom is a self righteous narcissist also! She’s constantly judging everyone around her and looking down her nose at them, even people she considers her close friends. Makes me scared to bring home anyone to meet her.
The self-righteousness, morality and rigidity can also be grounded in a fundamentalist interpretation and application of religion -- hard lines and lack of nuance. This all seems to stem from an underlying insecurity and refuge in the hardlines of fundamentalist application and judging of and looking down on others as "less pure" than the righteous narcissist and thus less worthy.
I don’t ever use the comments section, but this hit so deep that I have to acknowledge my regards. Thank you Dr. Ramani. You provide all my life’s clarity. I’m listening
Don’t forget the gifts with strings attached. Oh and if you turn down any gifts from them, you’re hurting their feelings (or “blocking their blessings”) which may lead to punishment like them stonewalling you when you actually need something 😖 I can’t-
As a female narcissist ages, have you notice her withdrawing from the world more and more because she cannot accept people seeing her as an old woman? This started with my mother when she was about 60 or 65. We were eating in a restaurant and she noticed that the server always looked at me when she spoke and she totally ignored my mother, who became sullen and quiet and pouty and visibly jealous and angry! She even said to me, " did you see how she ignored me and only spoke to you? She acted as if you were the more authority and that I was a nobody!" Lol!! I thought it was funny bit my mother was hurt and brooded over it ....it was a thing. This has happened a few times. She quit working at age 66 even though she was totally healthy and had no wrinkles except the worry elevens in between the eyebrows which had been there all her adult life. She withdrew totally from living.....now at 79 I cant think of anything that she has done for fun just to enjoy life since she retired
Once I realized what he was, I left. However, even when you try to discuss and resolve issues in the relationship. They will go on a rant that is so bizarre ,cruel, wtf, huh..and you realize not only are they mistaken...the effort it would take to try and unravel their twisted mental bullsh*t is shocking and exhausting. You'd have to start off with crayons and glitter..If you find yourself explaining basic human emotion that even a 5 yr old would understand...leave. It only gets worse.
I'm so proud of myself for removing a toxic person from my life after only five months. I'm still feeling the effects after nine months, but I've made an extraordinary amount of progress in releasing the patterns that brought me to the situationship in the first place.
This was 100% my most recent relationship. I thought he seemed secure in the beginning and generous and sweet but then he just had contempt and self-righteousness and was dismissiveness towards me. Disappointing and unpleasant to say the least
I was in a 16 abusive relationship and then I connected with a self righteous narc that preached about how women should be cherished and protected. It felt so good but the second I didn’t agree with something he said or do what he wanted I was “disrespectful” and he said he’d been through too much in life to accept anything less then extraordinary and I was discarded. But he continues to try and hoover. He also tries to tell me constantly that I don’t understand what he’s “trying to do with me…” to “teach me” … he always says he and I will never be together but when I say I know because I don’t want to be with him he’ll say I shouldn’t say that and that he knows we’re meant. It’s so confusing
My experience with being love bombed by this Narc type was unsolicited gifts. They were expensive or rare gifts meant to evoke a grateful (indebted) response. So basically, they tried to buy me.
I have a sibling who does that. Fell for it up until a few years ago... now I donate the stuff to charity. Their gifts have strings attached to ensnare people into being their puppets.
I experienced that too, the ex narc bought me a car, took me shopping, gave me money, lots of, bought my kids stuff, he was throwing money at me without me asking
She confided in me how men had treated her poorly and she had trust issues. I'm 54 and realize that sex is only a small part of a relationship. So I wanted her trust me before we got physical. She was rigid and not very experienced in the bedroom. As I taught her things she was receptive and loosened up, and had the time of her life! Or so it seemed. But, inside of six months the devaluing was daily. And then she started gray rocking in the bedroom. At this time, I was getting sicker and sicker and could plainly see, she had no empathy at all. I said,* The doctor said it's bad, possibly cancer." She said, " Well I've been thinking and I've been praying, and I would like us to be friends. I don't want you to go through this alone, I want to be here to support you, as a friend." Only then I found out that she had herpes (not her fault) and that her three grown children had three different dads. (They all lied to her and left her high and dry). She actually had me trying to measure up. I was so blind but now I see.
(read till the end) self righteous narcissistic's are good at being self/socially aware, doesnt forget about that allergy their friend has so they don't accidentally trigger it, knows how to plan a party, doesn't forget appointments and stuff like that, but suddenly forgets their self awareness when they rage (usually behind doors at people close to them/family)
I just got discarded by a friend! Fortunately I’ve been watching these videos for a while so I know what’s going on. It hurts, but it’s great to have the tools to know how to cope, learn and move on!
I just remembered my dark time, walking on egg shells everyday, invited to the hell playing with the devils inside them. I fell into the hole, thinking it was real. It wore me out, wasted my time and energy in a way I can't even describe today.
Knowledge is power, understanding is wisdom. This is an educational video, that is saving lives. It teaches the red flags and patterns to spot in a person suffering from a personality disorder that is toxic and dysfunctional. They teach you the language of a person that is trying to groom you to take advantage of you, verbally, emotionally, and morally.
ding ding ding ding ding!!!!! self-righteous narcissists!!!!! that's my sister! that's my ex!! it is so validating and satisfying to see a label applied to these toxic, destructive people. i was just thinking this morning how *scandalized* my sister is by my lifestyle, my choices, my very existence...and even if i were to clone myself into a younger copy of her exact self, she'd still find something to hate--just because it's me. even that was a satisfying thought: since there's no way to please these folks, don't waste your time and energy trying--JUST PLEASE YOURSELF! :)
This is my mother. 100,000 piece puzzle pieced together in 13 mins. So on point and well-said that I have no other words. I’m so tuned in, and Dr. Ramani- you’ve helped me more than you’ll ever know. I’m here, and I’m grateful! Thank you. I’m listening!
I was with a self righteous narcissist right after my first husband died. It felt safe and structured during a chaotic time at first. Then, I could never measure up. I shouldn’t drink coffee, I should be early to go to bed, early to rise (except after we were up all night fighting). He was respected enough in the community that I felt no one would believe me when I had to go to court for a restraining order.
The narcissists stated " I won't date anyone who smokes, drinks, gamble or has small kid's " I replied but you do all those things and have a young child . She replied " exactly right we can't both do it". 🙄 I took that to mean that if she's gonna be irresponsible with her life and money someone has to be there to fix it once it all falls apart.
i always felt like something was wrong with my dad because he hurts me all the time by being judgmental and putting me down, but at the same time he would send me money, check on me, ask me if i need anything and tell me that he loves me so much… so i thought he was just a tough dad and i was just a bad daughter. but this video really describes how he acts with me so im relieved to finally understand why i felt so bad around him
Many of these narcissists are judgmental to the point that I don't understand how anyone can live with them. I've fought hard just to hold on to my identity. Reminds me why teenage kids stray away from their self righteous parents. "Don't do as I do, Do as I say!"
It is heartbreaking how narcissistic people seem so robotic and they’re all the same. You once again hit it out of the park with the self righteous narcissistic people.
This describes my first marriage when I was young. I was looking for someone who had their finances in order and I was very admirable towards him. But to my dismay, soon found out that he was financially secure but also very miserly, to the point where he did not want me to spend money on Christmas gifts, and control the money to the point where we could have paid off debts and chose to hoard the money instead. Never wanted to go on vacations, etc. Looking back on it, he is completely the self-righteous narcissist! Another example would be going to church. He would criticize me for not going to church on Sunday and when I would go with him, he would sit there and read the bulletin instead of listening to the mass. He was there for just appearances only! Thank you for posting this! Answers a lot of questions for me in looking back on that relationship.
You took the words right out of my mouth. When we started dating, it was a relief to hear him say he was wary of debt. Now, it is a relief just to hear what I have been experiencing over the years in a summary like this. I'm not crazy; it's not just a quirk. His behavior is miserly to the point of being hurtful and destructive, but if I feel hurt, according to him, that's just my problem because I am not looking at things the right way. But last summer, while I was out of the country, he had a moment where he spiraled out of control and all his insecurities washed ashore like an oil spill. I'll tell you, that was the first time I ever heard the term love bombing. He effed up in a BIG way and realized he'd suddenly enraged me while I was home visiting my parents half a world away. His love bombing then looked like multiple messages a day telling me how in love he was like when we first met and "Do you remember...?" messages...crap like that, which was a 180 degree turnaround from his appallingly disrespectful behavior from the day before. I told him to stop or that I would block him, and he just cried that it would make our separation worse for him. Even after 9 years of marriage, this was the first time I'd ever seen anything like this. It was scary and confusing. I didn't know how to interpret it all until a bestie said, "OMG, he's love bombing you!" Thank you for putting out content like this so that people like me don't feel crazy and have a way to comprehend their situation. Because without really being able to understand what's happening, it's hard to know how to move forward.
Thank you very much! So true ! I have several (insecure) family members who fit this well. They always claim to be concerned about many many things! Yet once you get past the chatter you recognize that the words and deeds do not match! It is always humorous to me for someone who has a lot of answers to (questions no one asked) they appear deeply unhappy! I will pass on the hollow shell experience !
This is so spot on😭 I'm now living this exact experience. Every day, I start with the thoughts that I'm responsible for my past choices and now I must pick myself up and find a way to heal, grow and fix all the concequences of those choices myself without giving a second of my time to the person who judges me for my mistakes which I made because I chose others over me, then I was emotionally abused and confused, I also gradually willigly gave my personal power away and didn't notice this until recently. I want to heal, believe in myself and my path and be happy and generate joy to help and inspire others. I can't find words strong and kind enough to express my gratitude to and for this channel❤ Thank you, Dr. Ramani
U just described my mother...hypersaver. Wont spend a dime. Even if she does help you then you wish to god she hadnt because she remi ds you of it decades later anytime you ever have a disagreement. She even keeps up with pennies. I mean in the past she would literally say that she had eaten one of my bananas so she owed me a banana! All that after I told her to just eat my food. But then I have been remi dad by her for twenty years that she spent $80 on some fry pan that I no longer have and she feels cheated that I didnt give it back to her!!! She literally obsesses over money lost. Yet she has plenty of money. Lives like shes broke.....expecting another depression to occur at all times. Wont associate with anyone who remotely differs in religion or who does anything not in her values. Doesnt associate with anyone having sex outside of marriage .....yet when she did this it apparently was allowed? Shes different. Its like they project that they are better than other people because they really have so much fear. They live in constant fear of something.
My Mum’s behaviour toward me after my Dad died made me like this for a few years. But she was in her early 40’s and my Dad died suddenly and she had a brother who was a huge financial strain on the family due to having a mental disability. He was born pre 1940 so there was no help then, you just got thrown into life with everyone else and had to get on with it. My Mum is rigid, structured, ordered Capricorn, half the time and amped this up to try and rigidly control every penny I spent that I earned because she was afraid I’d end up like her brother. She let my sister do what she liked. She also hated swearing, bad grammar and had no understanding or tolerance for anyone who didn’t share her values and didn’t live by a strict routine. It’s very difficult to see yourself when you compromise who you are so that you please and get on with a parent. This is especially true when you are living under a cloud of grief. So I developed a strong fear of never having enough money, became miserly because of it and always feel not enough due in part to her sharp and critical tongue. This was love bombing, because the more I conformed and reflected her back to herself the easier life was and the nicer she was. Until I rebelled because it was like existing in a straight jacket! Anyway, you look lovely today Doctor Ramani. Dark haired people don’t go grey they turn silver and your hair looks gorgeous makes you look very magical. Sending you Love and a Big Hug and hope you are feeling as vibrant and radiant as you look. Xxxjools
This my whole family. They’re rigid. My mothers mother, her sister(and her husband). They always looked down their noses at everyone who was not like them.
I love what Maya Anjou said, " When you know better, you do better." The rigidity is astounding. I have been thinking about the quadrangle of cognition. Cognitive Dissonance and Cognitive Resonance are on one axis, Cognitive Rigidity, and Cognitive Flexibility are on another. There may be more angles. I have wondered over and over again why people choose misery over paradise. This is not to say to diminish the challenges of Les Miserable, but to look at all of us who are living in the lap of luxury, and still, ennui prevails, purposelessness. When we stare deeply into the abyss, the abyss stares into us. So True. But, nothing is itself without everything else, also being itself. It makes me wonder about the butterfly effect. My mother, end stage dementia, said long ago, she wanted to do it all in THIS life time. .... and yet her brood are a narcissistic breed, the trauma is overwhelming, the rigidity is 'written in stone', the cruelty is running barely under the inadequate radar of elder abuse.... Still she persists. My mother. In this stage of her life, she is the vortex around which the rest of us appear and disappear. She is so slow, and so grateful and so resigned to follow the flow. It is up to us to make it happen..... with a couple of siblings who are black holes for kind energy, and selfish to the end of the earth... ugggghhhhhh....... My mother is making us face this situation, even to the extent she may have also co-created it. We need some big solutions..... or else I hope the youngsters find an as yet undetermined path... I listed to a great pod cast by Lisa Miller a few days ago.... about spirituality, neuroscience, red doors and yellow doors.... Hope is still alive.
Yeah, me too.... under various stresses, over time, these patterns have come out in me in the past. My mother was like this. Still sorting and healing.
This is exactly the video I needed right now. I'm in a bit of a trauma bond with my roommate/business partner and this is exactly the kind of person she is. It wasn't super assistant at first, but I've been watching a lot of your videos lately and staying to pull away, and she's been coming at me full force between love bombing and devaluing. I think your channel may be my chance for hope of something after this 🧡
Thank you, Dr. Ramani. You described my dad. He has all those qualities, he loves to brag and shame/criticize everyone. He always blamed me for all unlucky things that happened to me. And when I was emotional about it, he would call me crazy and always told me to toughen up. I was a professional athlete and after practice all summer for 10+ hours a day, I came to the tournament and a day of a tournament I cut myself really bad with a knife and twisted my ankle when running at a wet surface. I was devastated and called him crying. He yelled at me and said that it’s all my fault and I did it on purpose. When I told him about it he said it never happened. He is also a master of gaslighting. He makes sure to say “it’s so ridiculous and it’s never happened, but even if it happened it’s not a big deal, if it’s a big deal, time have passed you should be over it” and he would say it about same event…. He would shame divorced people all the time (more like divorces woman), if husband cheated on a woman, it’s her fault for working to much and not spending time with him, if husband is aggressive, it’s woman’s fault of selecting such guy or another one “she likes it”. Writing it makes me embarrassed of how he is! And he is a doctor so he would make sure to put it in your face that he makes money, he pays bills and owns property… Last straw was when he blamed me when my husband left me. I was devastated and instead of support I got lots of humiliation from my dad. No contact with him.
Exactly the same dad. Mine told me “it takes two,” “you’re a failure,” “now I have to tell my parents there’s going to be a DIVORCE in the family”! He was angry and disgusted by me… I had a gun pulled on me and was in an abusive marriage. He knew this when he said that to me. He had no problem blaming and shaming me.
This resonates for me as this depicts my grandfather. The amount of destruction that he put his kids (my parent), and his partner (my grandma) through has continued to wreak havoc through generations. Thank you for this work to help us heal.
My last wife was diagnosed bi-polar. I now know her narcisism. My current wife is even more narcissistic. I am a narcissist magnet. My business partner is a narcisisist also. I was raised by my mom only, with 5 siblings. Chaos and disorder. Thanks Dr Ramani. You have helped me out of a very dark place. I started going to CR and now have a place where I can talk about it. I don't otherwise have any friends.
I dont have any real friends right now either. Its a weird thing growing up with a single narc mother . I was taught by example that no one is good enough to be her friend...even me....especially me.
I wish my self-righteous, "morally superior" ex had been fiscally conservative. Instead, he had to prove to everyone else how generous he was by giving money (and time) we did not have to the church or charities, always in a public manner. He was super moral (aka judgey) , reliable and helpful to everyone except me.
My mother is a self righteous narcissist and the definition fits her TO A T. And there was zero “love bombing”. She was so stingy with love and affection it was galling. Throughout my entire childhood and adult life, any time I said I love you, I was met with silence and if I was lucky some eye contact. I would offer up the chance every time I saw her by ending any time spent with an i love you and a hug. And every single time I was rejected. I reached the point that going no contact a year ago was the only choice.
Love you Dr. Ramani! Im in a 15 year relationship with a covert narcissist. Ive been in therapy for over 2 years and am finally at the point of not taking his attacks/arguments personal anymore. Thank GOD! Go to therapy people! It works! Through this, along with recording our arguments, I now accept that it is not me who is the toxic one, it is him, and he even admits to his narcissism now, and even wants help! I feel very freed now. Im just waiting for him to get out of my house. Lol (he is buying a house thank god) we may go to couple's therapy (after he moves out) we cant live under the same roof until then because he makes it impossible to live in peace.
God I do hope he's genuine about seeking help. Narcissism is hard to heal but self-awareness can go a mile. Good luck with everything. I wish you the best!
Sounds like manipulation, stand clear, you'll be wasting more time, let another narc have him, why sacrifice yourself for him, mine lives to regret his narcism and I'm tough as nails, if you don't need him for financial reasons... I'm born in '61 and he was Plan B, as a narc whose quite content to stay with me and see our kids/help more (they're in their 20's and do very well but still we're there for them) I've benefits staying having lived my best yrs prior, staying with him allowed me to elude my total toxic narc family, perish the thought I ever needed them, push comes to shove he's there for me but I've got to spell it all out for him, he's my favorite dumb animal!
@@joseenoel8093 sounds exhausting. Where do you get the stamina? Good for him if he regrets his narcissism, I guess. Is he a transformed person as a dumb animal? aka a 'unicorn' in Ramani language? Maybe you have it as good as it gets. How hard is it to be 'tough as nails'...... ? I have heard a friend describe her good natured handyman engineering husband as 'like and old pot. He doesn't expect much. I keep him clean and he is useful.' Even that seems to be a step in the right directions to unicorn-ville. Good on you!
Please be careful of his claims of wanting help, going to couple's therapy and buying a house, especially has he is still living in your house. To me that sounds like he may be trying to manipulate you. If people really want help and want to change, they will go seeking it themselves. They will not be waiting for someone else to have it arrange for them. I have seen different Therapists over the years, some through our main national health service, others by going to free or donation services and also a few privately paying for it myself. Is he making the effort to find therapy himself? Or is he just trying to gaslight you? Please look after yourself in all this. You owe this man nothing.
My ex narcissist and I were having a disagreement about the BLATANT lack of consideration when it came to my feelings in our relationship and she screamed…IT AIN’T ABOUT YOU!!!! I was shocked that she would basically admit that my views, emotions, and opinion didn’t matter as long as I catered to her demonic and self righteous narcissist agenda.
Oh I've heard that alot, you're making me also see that it's something I'd never say, isn't that interesting, it would just never dawn on me, but I've fought back with "Oh ya, my life is about me", he'd also pressured his happiness onto me, pretty tall order I said. They endlessly need us to get away from themselves, lots of pressure I think and we're no good to them dead so blow!
"It's not all about you" is a phrase I heard from someone I now think is a narc. Of course it isn't, because they think it's all about them. It seems to be a red flag phrase.
OMG! 😱 😳 😱 You described my NEX to a tee! Got out of that relation💩 PDQ. 🙄😬🙄 Saw him many years later & he was much WORSE!!! He criticized someone about weight gain & I looked at him wondering what fun house mirror which he saw himself. Bald, rotten teeth, pot belly, toddler posture, cheap suit & shoes with the soles detached. He drank wine 🍷 like he was on a yacht hobnobbing with the rich & famous then smoked a cigar like he was in a mahogany board room. A forensic psychologist in the prison system… he was superior to all.
At the end of the day there's a traumatizing set of behavioral patterns matching every wound of ours that we don't assume responsibly for healing by seeking psychotherapy... It looks tempting to seek comfort in anybody else but the specialist that will support us with self-compassion and self-healing...
Thank you Dr. Ramani. Now I won't feel guilty anymore whenever I perceive someone as being too nice at first when they are strangers or I barely know them anyway instead of being down on myself for not showing interest in them the same as towards others who have less favorable sounding backgrounds. Like the other day when the driver sent while I was walking towards his vehicle asked me if I wanted to sit next to him in the front seat or in the back of the vehicle behind the plastic barrier which left me only feeling anxious for the whole trip. My anxious feeling needs me to be paying attention to it as valuable information instead of me falling for the idea that is only something which needs to be medicated. If I pay attention to an anxious feeling and learn whatever I need to from it then I can let it go sooner while not making any mountain out of a molehill and then get on with my day.
My Father is a Self-Righteous Narcassist. It was hell growing up with him and my Mother closed off to see what I see and everyone else not seeing it either, she's very Codependent. My mom and dad grew up in the same religion so I can see why she fell for him. 🙄
Yep- totally rigid and self righteous - judgmental of anyone who doesn’t act right, think right. Found me as a born again Christian gal who was trying to live conservatively. 100 % on target
Please do a video on Recovery Tip: Don't fight narcissist with fire as Hell is their playground. As sometimes people on receiving end of narc abuse also get angry .
Agreed. One of the biggest mistakes I made was saying how I felt about something a narc said to me, I did this in a bad mood to begin with, and the person just exploded. I still think of how abusive they were to me years later. The best thing is to just discard them they way they discard others.
In my personal experience with a partner who very much behaved like a self-righteous narcissist, beneath the surface they hardly followed the strict rules they imposed on others. For example, cheating was something they decried as horrible and claimed, self-righteously, if they ever developed feelings for someone else, they would of course first get out of their current relationship. I found that so reassuring. Did they end cheating on me more than once? Of course. However, they perhaps believed because it was emotional cheating, that somehow didn't make them hypocritical. They're so sly and it nearly destroyed me. Untangling their deceptions was one of the hardest things I've had to go through. It also didn't stop them from discarding me swiftly and coldly.
Seeing the different ways narcissism can manifest in different people is very helpful. I had an interesting experience that I think revealed the self righteous tendencies in my narc husband many years ago. I was hosting an all-day, journal writing retreat. My entire goal was to provide a safe space for people to write and sit with their feelings without any judgment from me at all. My husband attended the retreat (something at the time I didn't see as strange or controlling). At the end, after a particularly emotional moment, one of the attendees shared that she was a trans woman struggling to manage her transition without hurting her wife and daughter. I was so proud that everyone in the group was supportive and gentle with her. And no one made any judgments (this was over a decade ago when trans people did not have the visibility they have now). Shortly afterward, my husband outed himself as my spouse and two people in the group visibly gasped. I think it was because he let judgments come into every one one of his comments. A room of strangers saw a misfit that I was unaware of.
This happened to me when I was young lonely and single. I met a beautiful woman that convinced me I was the best thing since sliced bread. I took it hook, line, and sinker and was blind and deaf to the warnings
Ho. Lee. Sheot! You just described my estranged mother to a tee! She totally displays ALL those traits with one slight difference. Her form of love bombing is to buy something for you, not too expensive mind you, and give it to you as a peace offering with the expectation that it resets and fixes everything. Took me a while to learn that it was the act of accepting the gift that she saw as the reset. If I took it no concerns/complaints of mine mattered afterward. I was just being an asshole at that point. If I didn't accept the gift she would send it to me by someone else. If it didn't come back she interpreted that as everything was fixed and hunky-dory again. It wasn't until I refused delivery, much to the dismay of her flying monkey delivery person, did she start getting a different message. Of course, she interprets that action as being ungrateful and disrespectful towards her.
Hi Wayne, I can relate to your experience with the magic "reset." My self-righteous narc would never bother to get a gift for me or anyone else. Her "gift" to anyone would consist of a phony friendly phone call that would erase any BS she has ever pulled. Just some friendly "chit-chat" to let the peasant know that she is available to be worshipped. No issues will be broached. One example of the utter disregard for boundaries: My narc was a member of a Teens and Twenties church group, (naturally). One week everyone starts getting Thank-You correspondence from Save The Children for sponsoring a child for so-much-a month. It was the whole package. She actually signed up EVERYONE in the group, about 25 people, to a financial commitment, but NOT HERSELF! She never said a word until she announced it as her handiwork and that anyone who would have a problem supporting orphans was evil. Of course no one followed through and nothing was accomplished but her own ego stroking. What a piece of work.
My parents were self-righteous narcs, and they often used "charity" as a way to love bomb. This did two things, it made them feel more superior and also gave them a right to guilt trip and hold their unsolicited "charity" over people's heads. " You can't say anything bad about me because I was nice to you, or helped you, even after you told me no a million times."
My ex-girlfriend who was a self-righteousness narrassist and her love bombing was so pathetic. It still makes me shiver. It all stems from the lack of emotion.
I'm so happy you're making more video's about the selfrighteous narcissist. This opened my eyes. My father tried to control everything. We never got a key of the house, he even told us how many toiletpaper we should use (three sheets for number one and five for number two)... He never talked positive about other people, there was always something wrong with everybody. Nothing wrong with him of course... He was so strict with everything. I'm an adult now and it still effects my everyday life. My fear of making mistakes is so big that I'm not able to get a job. There was always so much wrong with me that I still believe that I'm a bad person and that there's no place for me in this world. I'm working on it with the help of my psychologist. Dr Ramami, thank you for all your effort to make this content! 🙏
@Mary Carroll It helps me to read that I'm not the only one. On the other hand, I feel sorry for you that you went through something like this. I knew something wasn't right. My father told me it was my fault 'It's your behavior that makes me do this,' he said when he was angry at me.' My mother protected him saying: 'He had a stressful day.' 'He is busy.' 'He doesn't mean it.' 'Maybe you did something wrong too.' You know, the classic reactions. And when you hear that year in year out, as a child without any references, you are starting to think: maybe I'm really a horrible and stupid child. But I wasn't rebellious. I only had a strong opinion and a mind of my own.
He tells every one that I am his "baby doll". He puts on quite the show, about what a great husband he is. He makes everyone think that he loves me over the moon. And when we do get to go somewhere, it is so he can share how good he is, like a trip out of town for our 40th wedding anniversary. He is completly differant at home and in private. No empathy. No respect. But I must respest him above all. And treat him as though he is my hero.
I just don't know how to even begin to Thank you for all the revelations you are doing. Am getting to just understand what I ve been through since childhood. Brought up by a single narcissistic mother, followed a harrowing marital experience, followed by (Seemingly), supported by my covert, Big-Giver, narcissistic elder sister.. Elder to me by 11years..All this has been my Normal.Since I just started following you, it's getting really overwhelming, revealing, freeing, I hawl like a child every single time, but there's a inner peace, that I can't describe. I always overcompensated throughout my life, didn't feel worthy ever, have had eating disorders for 30years, carried guilt of a broken marriage.. Just educating myself on everything n listening to all you say, is so liberating for me that I can't even begin to express. I wish I could Meet you and Thank you on person. Lots n lots of Love n blessings your way. Keep shining the way you do. You can't imagine the light you are spreading in this world. Stay blessed n Safe.
That looks like my parents' story together. My non-narcissistic parent really came from a chaotic family, that was very poor and had an agressive alcoholic father. And my narcissistic parent is self-righteous and very religious, just like my narcissistic grandparent was.
This is why it's sooo important to go slow listen , observe everything. Watch how they compete with u making sure u know how above u they are , instead of encouraging u . Watch how they treat wait staff as If they are entitled and everyone is there to serve them . These types are even bigger bullies in an under mining way . They make sure you know you don't measure up to all they have achieved in life but again in an under mining way , to were you begin to think something is off here but u r unsure to the full extent as to whats off . These types are becoming more common because high achievement , material things and money mean so much to a narcissist that operate from a high level of narcissism. My experience / life lesson was a gift that empowered me instead of breaking me , that brought me into my self worth having now healthy boundaries . It increased my discernment instead of staying niave to manipulation which is abuse . I was a victim I allowed that to serve its purpose at the time , but I did not stay stuck there , I allowed it all to change me were I needed to change which was my thinking. Pain is growth and pain don't always have to be a bad thing if the outcome is a good one . So many times these experiences are life lessons that can ultimately be a gift.
There was SO much self-righteousness in the narcissists in my family-of-origin. AND in the people they then added to the family structure by marriage. My brother's wife is one of the coldest people I've ever met; she's robotic, except when she's being self-righteous. She was my son's Sunday school teacher for a while (not by my choice, and I didn't know she was in that role), and when he was three she shook him while telling him that his father abandoning us was HIS fault because "God doesn't love bad children". It was...insane, and I didn't find out about it for over a year. And she tried to force me to attend mediation with them--with someone they'd pay for, who believed that superficial gloss of "good Christian". I didn't know at the time how to describe what was going on, but I knew going into mediation would have set me up for gaslighting and social bullying (probably also from the mediator, whose license would have been via Christian organizations and therefore not necessarily science-based OR inclusive). Like, mediation is a great idea--when it's happening with someone who is truly neutral and it's happening with people who have relatively-equal power in the situation. But I had just moved over 1000 miles on my family's promises to help me as I dealt with the situation my late husband was creating, and no one was actually fulfilling the problems they had put IN WRITING. She did all these "I'm acting in good faith" bids that weren't, too. Like "We can't help you if we don't know how you need help", I'd send a comprehensive list of "hey, here are some practical things other people can do that would help me", and she'd then reply that I "wanted too much", that I was lazy, that SHE could sure use that kind of help too. Like, I'm sorry. I couldn't afford TOILET PAPER because I literally had less than $10/month left over after all the bills were paid, but somehow I'm asking too much to list "buy an extra pack of toilet paper for me when you're already at Costco"? Meanwhile, I was a horrible person for moving her daughter's water glass out of reach after that three-year old daughter had already knocked her ice water all over me once. How dare I correct HER child (by silently but physically preventing another accident that had already soaked me)??? There was so much. So much. When my late husband died, she didn't even acknowledge it at all. Yet she sent a condolence card to my cousins (who even I'd only met once) when our aunt (who she'd never even met) died. And she made sure I knew she'd done so. Her narcissistic abuse was actually MINOR, in comparison to everything else I'd experienced from the rest of my family of origin. But it compounded the damages they caused, because here was an "outsider", someone not raised in the family, who echoed the family's total rejection and condemnation of me. So experiencing that while actually in real distress and in real need for help because my late husband left us in a dire situation...I'm still very very angry about it.
Oh ALSO. My self-righteously narcissistic father: telling me I owed him money when I was twelve and got my first job delivering newspaper, keeping a fucking LEDGER for all of the "expenses" each of his children incurred as children, insisting I OWE him money EVEN NOW (after taking the money I gave him to pay for my credit card while I lived in China for a year and not paying them--which resulted in them suing me as soon as I got back to the States), and having a checking account with a $300,000 while refusing to help me with medical expenses during a cancer scare while my step-mother kept insisting they were "too poor" to help because they needed to buy private health insurance now that they were retiring (but they paid the down payments for HER daughter to buy each of her houses).
Miserly and cheap is their middle name. If it doesn't help THEIR bottom line, they are not interested. Rarely do they want to go on vacation because they do not want to spend money. They lack the generosity cog.
This is once again THE INFO I needed today! I've been struggling with this upstanding thing, the doing the good/right thing at many times but and it's a big but, it's not what I want or need. They stick to the same things always because that's what they believe is the right thing. What comes clear is that it's their right thing and things that look good to others. Underneath it is robotic, if they believed shellfish was something that should be eaten every Wednesday even if you are highly allergic and would end up in hospital they will still feed you shellfish on Wednesday because to them it's the right thing. There is no negotiations, there is no real empathy or understanding, there is no real caring no real love they don't see you or hear ýou. You either do as they say and want or you are the enemy. It's conditional strict, punitive vindictive entitled cold and no true empathy unless it's for themselves. They suck you in with guilt, manipulate your emotions, cry at times and tell you what's right what's wrong and how much you're hurting them all the while you're lieing in the gutter. They'll tell you you're wrong at every given opportunity. They appear assured but underneath theyre little children and their weapon of choice is passive aggression and the main manipulator is guilt. This also explains why grey rock has worked with others in my life but not others as they want superficial conversations where you say yes and no at the appropriate times. I think grey rock has to be adjusted depending on the type you're dealing with. The common denominator for all toxic people is lack of emotional empathy, coldness, lack of interest in you as a person and that deep gutt feeling where you feel uncomfortable around them like you can't relax and be yourself. Huge red flag ✌
First of, Dr. Ramani’s so beautiful inside and out 😍!!! Also this is soooo accurate! When my ex and I met we were both 24. I was already living on my own since I was 17 and still trying to further my education, he was just starting his career after graduating from his university. I moved around a lot growing up and he had lived in the same house and went to school with the same kids from kindergarten-high school. My parents were never married, 1 of them battling a mental illness in & out of mental hospitals and 1 of them even more emotionally unstable with a personality disorder. Initially I was definitely attracted to how “together” he had his life with his supportive parents. After a couple years he bought his first house and the rest is everything mentioned in the video.
Wow!! My Ex Boyfriend was definitely a Self Righteousness Narcissist. He had all these Godly Morals. Said that he did all this to have "Eternal life!" But yet he was FREAK of the Week!
Doctor Ramani, I can't tell you how grateful I am to you. I came across this video, and it clicked. I just ended my short relationship with a dude, and this is exactly what happened, and this is exactly his personality. He is at the end of the day super fucked up and he's everything you're talking about. It's crazy how textbook people are
My brother in laws are self righteous narcissists - they look at me as inferior to them and look down on me with contempt in a snotty arrogant manner - they act like they own ultimate “truth” and have life all figured out (but I don’t ) ….whatevs 🙄
Dr. Ramani, you are doing a great service for so many of us! I have lived with narcissistic abuse for decades and knew my marriage was missing key elements yet couldn’t pinpoint or explain it. Then I found your videos! I’ve got answers and clarity! What a gift to me. I deserve and have the resiliency for pure joy and freedom from this toxic narc crap. Moving forward. Thank you so much❤️❤️
I think I had one of these but not every aspect of the self-righteous Narc, but a lot of it. The entitlement, the throwing the money in my face. He got meaner with time, but to lovebomb me he offers lavish nights out at restaurants to entice me. I'm glad I have listened to this while feeling drawn back in.
@@tammyrules2000 it is hard and if she is like my sister she will try to. Ale contact eventually. Mine tried with presents to the kids, flying monkeys, etc. just stay strong you know what’s right for you hold to your beliefs
I let the gifts go to the kids and I had my mother call my sister with the girls to thank her because I was not gonna get on the phone with her because that was what she wanted. I would think very carefully with how you respond to anything or you’ll get sucked right back in
self-righteous narcs are the biggest hypocrites of them all. his fav phrase to make himself sound so virtuous is "the thing i hate the most in the world is a liar" while he lies about everything. EXCEPT he believes his own fantasy/false reality so in his mind, he neverrrr lied !!!!!!!!!
This is all so true. When coming out of a relationship with a cheating alcoholic, the next guy who doesn't drink or smoke and who has a religious background and saves money seems like a really great option ... And so one might justify the really big red flags.
So true i can relate to this
@@berries8691 me too!!
One form of extreme narcissism to another. I have made the mistake myself too many times of ignoring the Red Flags and trying to make things work harmoniously.
Yeah that’s what happened to me someone who didn’t drink has a good job and he had a side business he TJ weddings made good money at it . I thought I was getting a really nice guy but it was all fake he a narcissist and one of the worst people I ever met.
Yep this was me. I thought he was a great guy compared to my alcoholic ex, but turns out, not so much. They can be really tricky and tell you what you want to hear. Good to be aware and trust our intuition.
His love bombing is a LACK of his normal rigidity. He is more aloof and flexible. He puts more effort into appearing relaxed and less combative. He acts like a nice person and I always know that he is either trying to make up for a bad outrage or trying to get laid.
This is so true!! Constantly judging others, constantly thinking everyone is stupid and make wrong decisions, meanwhile thinking they themselves can do no wrong.
When you grow up in a family that is ALWAYS full of CHAOS and you can’t depend on anything or anyone EVER you will attach yourself to the very kind of narcissist that you are describing, Dr. Ramani.
Sure needed her yrs back but I'm sitting pretty, works for me! I've rejected so many guys and truly am attracted to the ones I need to track down preferring to choose, it's worked out but I find those attracted to me somehow insincere, interesting!
@Soul Maid Healing I am with you. Love children but was afraid to have any based on what I would put into them. Old traits from family
So true.
Sometimes it’s homes that deny emotional nurturing to children that breed adults with low self esteem, the perfect match for the narcissist.
yes. And when you're coming out of chaos, that they are the most difficult narcissists to figure out
I've had a few self-righteous narcissists in my life, and one thing that is common to all of them is how rapidly they will flip into discard mode once you've apparently done something that violates one of their standards. It's like flipping a switch. And often, you don't even know what it was that you did as they just slam the door without explanation! And even if you do get an explanation, it is usually so over-the-top, off-kilter or bizarre that you are left just sitting there, not knowing how to even respond.
I experienced this with an ex-friend when I tried to stand up for myself with how they tended to try and smother my emotions and WOW seeing that completely different side was so shocking. Plus then all the accusations and belittling thrown at me were so inaccurate and bizarre I just felt confused and disoriented for weeks. Been doing a lot better since I got them out of my life.
@@learningenglishthroughtran8540 very very true in my experience ✌
This hits me deep. Well said.
When they have a need to shame someone they won't discard you. They'll keep the pattern going.
This is so on point 👏🏾
This happened to me with my ex. I thought he was a mature responsible respectful successful adult who followed through with things, and he did, in the beginning, then he did not and he turned out to be someone really awful who really hurt betrayed and traumatized me. It was super hard for me to accept for a while that he was not who I thought he was. He was very good at pretending to be what I wanted him to be. Hard lesson to learn. Aware of it all now so protecting myself. 💗
Yep they think it gives them the right to abuse you because they payed for thinks which is ridiculous
OMG! Did we date the same guy????😅 the narcissist I was with for 8 months was the same way. I never experienced anyone like this , I'm 60. My only regret I stayed 8 months with this demon It's going on 3 months since I left him alone, no contact, blocked his number & social media. Getting stronger 💪🏾. Thanking God for it🙏🏾.
Topic suggestion:
How siblings cope differently w/a narcissist parent and as a result draws them apart as adults.
As someone who grew up with a self righteous narcissist life may seem like it’s full of order but deep inside it is rather painful, rigid, critical and full of gloom. The morality they preach is from a god complex they have and being their child in that prison like environment is hellish which is full of fear for the world and people which is how you are groomed. They may be good providers or love bomb you with gifts and such but be prepared to hear about how expensive it was for them at some point because they value money more than you as a person and those receipts will be saved to show you how much they spent on you as if you too are an object in their lives.
Not only are others judged because they are not up to standard with the “rules of God” according to them which really have nothing to do with God but you as their child will be judged for the way you eat, sleep, talk, walk, dress, live, exist and any friends you choose since they may see any friends you have as never being good enough for you because friends are deemed as childish and a threat to the family cult.
My self righteous parent would call people “peasants” and “ungodly” because they actually liked having innocent fun or had an objective mindset/ empathy and did not believe in extremism. Self righteous narcissists can be very extreme in beliefs not just restrictive.
I would be punished for enjoying time with friends as a child and enjoying anything children may love to do being told to “grow up” and have morals for “winners” not “losers”so having fun was followed by punishment.
People are often fooled and confused by their responsibility, loyalty, providing, maturity and morality which are all good traits that are warped in abuse with them and their abuse is another type of torture where you are always a child in their eyes no matter how old where you can never do anything right or someone who is doomed in need of their correction by them as gods of the planet because they are always above everyone and anyone.
You will develop low self esteem, anxiety, depression, CPTSD, perfectionism issues, insomnia, self doubt, fear of life and people in general and always question yourself because you end up thinking that you are indeed the demon who can never be up to par with their insane standards they deem as moral which is nothing but a trap in their self righteous narcissism bubble.
I feel your pain. I was married to the person you're describing. I certainly hope that you are living a life that brings you contentment, validation and happiness. You deserve it.
Wow, you have nailed this...... more clarity heaped on a wealth of clarity. thank you for all that!
I see you ❤️ much of this description is familiar to me too. Well said. I wish you much peace as you work through this journey of sorting it out and healing from this overbearing type of person. They steal a lot from us over time in our innocent attempts to bond with them. Seeing it is the key to it all and the beginning of getting past it. Once you see the patterns, it’s uphill. There’s light and hope at the end of the tunnel :) ✌️
My dad was like that… growing up with him was so painful and everyone around would say “your dad is a doctor, he is such a great provider, etc” and it means nothing because he was so cruel to me that I still have pain almost 30 years later
Ok everything you said is just now it is . My mother will offered to help me with the cost of some thing for my daughter and as soon as she pays for it then she’s like something of hers is broken and it must be my fault because she gave me money to buy my daughter a clarinet every single time she does this and now she doesn’t have the money for something she needs . I supposed to feel bad I guess. Last time she did this I told her I payed for it too and if she didn’t want to do it why did she offer to begin with so she could make me feel crappy.
Yup. This describes my ex. I'd just come out of a sort of chaotic relationship where I never really knew where I stood and I questioned the morals of my partner, and here was this fellow being very clear, very mature, prepared to commit, with his act together, already a homeowner, with a good job, so responsible with his health, so self-assured, that he made me feel comfortable and safe. I noticed his judgement and criticism, and even mentioned it, but he just said "yeah, I've heard that before." When he began to be controlling or invalidating, I was still at the point where I tried to justify it and see from his point of view. The dynamic emerged between us where he was the authority on everything, and I was wrong and inadequate unless I enthusiastically agreed with him and did everything his way. I lost so many parts of myself. I walked on eggshells. He had me completely under his control. Eventually, however, he pushed me too far, and I woke up. It still took another year for me to begin to see how toxic the relationship was, but then I left. I am so glad I did, and yet I am still healing.
... yet there is ALWAYS money for their particular vice.
I have a narcissistic mother who primarily focuses on my look and achievement and have been through narcissistic relationships. Looking at Dr.Ramani every day is part of my self-reparenting process. Thank you Dr.Ramani
Same here 🤗
My mom is a self righteous narcissist also! She’s constantly judging everyone around her and looking down her nose at them, even people she considers her close friends. Makes me scared to bring home anyone to meet her.
The self-righteousness, morality and rigidity can also be grounded in a fundamentalist interpretation and application of religion -- hard lines and lack of nuance. This all seems to stem from an underlying insecurity and refuge in the hardlines of fundamentalist application and judging of and looking down on others as "less pure" than the righteous narcissist and thus less worthy.
I don’t ever use the comments section, but this hit so deep that I have to acknowledge my regards. Thank you Dr. Ramani. You provide all my life’s clarity. I’m listening
Don’t forget the gifts with strings attached. Oh and if you turn down any gifts from them, you’re hurting their feelings (or “blocking their blessings”) which may lead to punishment like them stonewalling you when you actually need something 😖 I can’t-
Getting love bombed once you're on to them feels weird and gross, and God help you if you don't respond the way they want you to.
As a female narcissist ages, have you notice her withdrawing from the world more and more because she cannot accept people seeing her as an old woman? This started with my mother when she was about 60 or 65. We were eating in a restaurant and she noticed that the server always looked at me when she spoke and she totally ignored my mother, who became sullen and quiet and pouty and visibly jealous and angry! She even said to me, " did you see how she ignored me and only spoke to you? She acted as if you were the more authority and that I was a nobody!" Lol!! I thought it was funny bit my mother was hurt and brooded over it ....it was a thing. This has happened a few times. She quit working at age 66 even though she was totally healthy and had no wrinkles except the worry elevens in between the eyebrows which had been there all her adult life. She withdrew totally from living.....now at 79 I cant think of anything that she has done for fun just to enjoy life since she retired
Dont shame the family and get divorced.
Your eye-rolling at that moment was priceless.
Once I realized what he was, I left. However, even when you try to discuss and resolve issues in the relationship. They will go on a rant that is so bizarre ,cruel, wtf, huh..and you realize not only are they mistaken...the effort it would take to try and unravel their twisted mental bullsh*t is shocking and exhausting. You'd have to start off with crayons and glitter..If you find yourself explaining basic human emotion that even a 5 yr old would understand...leave. It only gets worse.
I'm so proud of myself for removing a toxic person from my life after only five months. I'm still feeling the effects after nine months, but I've made an extraordinary amount of progress in releasing the patterns that brought me to the situationship in the first place.
Hell yes good for you!!!! 🙌🏻
This was 100% my most recent relationship. I thought he seemed secure in the beginning and generous and sweet but then he just had contempt and self-righteousness and was dismissiveness towards me. Disappointing and unpleasant to say the least
I was in a 16 abusive relationship and then I connected with a self righteous narc that preached about how women should be cherished and protected. It felt so good but the second I didn’t agree with something he said or do what he wanted I was “disrespectful” and he said he’d been through too much in life to accept anything less then extraordinary and I was discarded. But he continues to try and hoover. He also tries to tell me constantly that I don’t understand what he’s “trying to do with me…” to “teach me” … he always says he and I will never be together but when I say I know because I don’t want to be with him he’ll say I shouldn’t say that and that he knows we’re meant. It’s so confusing
My experience with being love bombed by this Narc type was unsolicited gifts. They were expensive or rare gifts meant to evoke a grateful (indebted) response. So basically, they tried to buy me.
I have a sibling who does that. Fell for it up until a few years ago... now I donate the stuff to charity. Their gifts have strings attached to ensnare people into being their puppets.
I experienced that too, the ex narc bought me a car, took me shopping, gave me money, lots of, bought my kids stuff, he was throwing money at me without me asking
She confided in me how men had treated her poorly and she had trust issues. I'm 54 and realize that sex is only a small part of a relationship. So I wanted her trust me before we got physical. She was rigid and not very experienced in the bedroom. As I taught her things she was receptive and loosened up, and had the time of her life! Or so it seemed. But, inside of six months the devaluing was daily. And then she started gray rocking in the bedroom. At this time, I was getting sicker and sicker and could plainly see, she had no empathy at all. I said,* The doctor said it's bad, possibly cancer." She said, " Well I've been thinking and I've been praying, and I would like us to be friends. I don't want you to go through this alone, I want to be here to support you, as a friend." Only then I found out that she had herpes (not her fault) and that her three grown children had three different dads. (They all lied to her and left her high and dry). She actually had me trying to measure up. I was so blind but now I see.
Now I finally understand what has been going on in my life. Thanks Dr Ramani. You're a lifesaver ❤
(read till the end) self righteous narcissistic's are good at being self/socially aware, doesnt forget about that allergy their friend has so they don't accidentally trigger it, knows how to plan a party, doesn't forget appointments and stuff like that, but suddenly forgets their self awareness when they rage (usually behind doors at people close to them/family)
I just got discarded by a friend! Fortunately I’ve been watching these videos for a while so I know what’s going on. It hurts, but it’s great to have the tools to know how to cope, learn and move on!
I just remembered my dark time, walking on egg shells everyday, invited to the hell playing with the devils inside them.
I fell into the hole, thinking it was real. It wore me out, wasted my time and energy in a way I can't even describe today.
Knowledge is power, understanding is wisdom. This is an educational video, that is saving lives. It teaches the red flags and patterns to spot in a person suffering from a personality disorder that is toxic and dysfunctional. They teach you the language of a person that is trying to groom you to take advantage of you, verbally, emotionally, and morally.
ding ding ding ding ding!!!!! self-righteous narcissists!!!!! that's my sister! that's my ex!! it is so validating and satisfying to see a label applied to these toxic, destructive people. i was just thinking this morning how *scandalized* my sister is by my lifestyle, my choices, my very existence...and even if i were to clone myself into a younger copy of her exact self, she'd still find something to hate--just because it's me. even that was a satisfying thought: since there's no way to please these folks, don't waste your time and energy trying--JUST PLEASE YOURSELF! :)
This is my mother. 100,000 piece puzzle pieced together in 13 mins. So on point and well-said that I have no other words. I’m so tuned in, and Dr. Ramani- you’ve helped me more than you’ll ever know. I’m here, and I’m grateful! Thank you. I’m listening!
I was with a self righteous narcissist right after my first husband died. It felt safe and structured during a chaotic time at first. Then, I could never measure up. I shouldn’t drink coffee, I should be early to go to bed, early to rise (except after we were up all night fighting). He was respected enough in the community that I felt no one would believe me when I had to go to court for a restraining order.
Thank you Dr Ramani for bringing this topic to the forefront. I hope you've removed the narcissist from your life and 2022 brings much happiness
See how kind you are, putting her happiness at the forefront, awesome!
The narcissists stated " I won't date anyone who smokes, drinks, gamble or has small kid's " I replied but you do all those things and have a young child . She replied " exactly right we can't both do it". 🙄 I took that to mean that if she's gonna be irresponsible with her life and money someone has to be there to fix it once it all falls apart.
Oh my goodness, that/they is crazy 😜 self centered thinking for sure
i always felt like something was wrong with my dad because he hurts me all the time by being judgmental and putting me down, but at the same time he would send me money, check on me, ask me if i need anything and tell me that he loves me so much… so i thought he was just a tough dad and i was just a bad daughter. but this video really describes how he acts with me so im relieved to finally understand why i felt so bad around him
They are as amoral as any other narcissist I have had the misfortune of having encountered.
I think it's really important to distinguish carefully between moralising and morality. The former operates in opposition to the latter.
Thank you Dr. Ramani for helping me to examine my motives for helping, giving and loving others as I learn to love myself after NPD abuse
Well stated @Annette Lawson-Landry! Thanx Doc
Amen to that!
They're so in love with themselves, blind to all other!
I think doing things for others without an outcome in mind is good. I remind myself that no one owes me anything
Could you please talk more about this subject! Because I suffer with someone who is like this. I am losing myself.....
Ultra assured is an instant red-flag. be it borne through egotism or narcissism, it inevitably causes upset among the closer-knit relationships.
Many of these narcissists are judgmental to the point that I don't
understand how anyone can live with them. I've fought hard just
to hold on to my identity. Reminds me why teenage kids stray away
from their self righteous parents. "Don't do as I do, Do as I say!"
It is heartbreaking how narcissistic people seem so robotic and they’re all the same. You once again hit it out of the park with the self righteous narcissistic people.
This describes my first marriage when I was young. I was looking for someone who had their finances in order and I was very admirable towards him. But to my dismay, soon found out that he was financially secure but also very miserly, to the point where he did not want me to spend money on Christmas gifts, and control the money to the point where we could have paid off debts and chose to hoard the money instead. Never wanted to go on vacations, etc. Looking back on it, he is completely the self-righteous narcissist! Another example would be going to church. He would criticize me for not going to church on Sunday and when I would go with him, he would sit there and read the bulletin instead of listening to the mass. He was there for just appearances only! Thank you for posting this! Answers a lot of questions for me in looking back on that relationship.
You took the words right out of my mouth. When we started dating, it was a relief to hear him say he was wary of debt. Now, it is a relief just to hear what I have been experiencing over the years in a summary like this. I'm not crazy; it's not just a quirk. His behavior is miserly to the point of being hurtful and destructive, but if I feel hurt, according to him, that's just my problem because I am not looking at things the right way. But last summer, while I was out of the country, he had a moment where he spiraled out of control and all his insecurities washed ashore like an oil spill. I'll tell you, that was the first time I ever heard the term love bombing. He effed up in a BIG way and realized he'd suddenly enraged me while I was home visiting my parents half a world away. His love bombing then looked like multiple messages a day telling me how in love he was like when we first met and "Do you remember...?" messages...crap like that, which was a 180 degree turnaround from his appallingly disrespectful behavior from the day before. I told him to stop or that I would block him, and he just cried that it would make our separation worse for him. Even after 9 years of marriage, this was the first time I'd ever seen anything like this. It was scary and confusing. I didn't know how to interpret it all until a bestie said, "OMG, he's love bombing you!" Thank you for putting out content like this so that people like me don't feel crazy and have a way to comprehend their situation. Because without really being able to understand what's happening, it's hard to know how to move forward.
Thank you very much! So true ! I have several (insecure) family members who fit this well. They always claim to be concerned about many many things! Yet once you get past the chatter you recognize that the words and deeds do not match! It is always humorous to me for someone who has a lot of answers to (questions no one asked) they appear deeply unhappy! I will pass on the hollow shell experience !
This is so spot on😭 I'm now living this exact experience. Every day, I start with the thoughts that I'm responsible for my past choices and now I must pick myself up and find a way to heal, grow and fix all the concequences of those choices myself without giving a second of my time to the person who judges me for my mistakes which I made because I chose others over me, then I was emotionally abused and confused, I also gradually willigly gave my personal power away and didn't notice this until recently. I want to heal, believe in myself and my path and be happy and generate joy to help and inspire others. I can't find words strong and kind enough to express my gratitude to and for this channel❤ Thank you, Dr. Ramani
U just described my mother...hypersaver. Wont spend a dime. Even if she does help you then you wish to god she hadnt because she remi ds you of it decades later anytime you ever have a disagreement. She even keeps up with pennies. I mean in the past she would literally say that she had eaten one of my bananas so she owed me a banana! All that after I told her to just eat my food. But then I have been remi dad by her for twenty years that she spent $80 on some fry pan that I no longer have and she feels cheated that I didnt give it back to her!!! She literally obsesses over money lost. Yet she has plenty of money. Lives like shes broke.....expecting another depression to occur at all times. Wont associate with anyone who remotely differs in religion or who does anything not in her values. Doesnt associate with anyone having sex outside of marriage .....yet when she did this it apparently was allowed? Shes different. Its like they project that they are better than other people because they really have so much fear. They live in constant fear of something.
Sometimes I think I’ve had a relationship with all kinds of narcissists inside the same person… OMG
My Mum’s behaviour toward me after my Dad died made me like this for a few years. But she was in her early 40’s and my Dad died suddenly and she had a brother who was a huge financial strain on the family due to having a mental disability. He was born pre 1940 so there was no help then, you just got thrown into life with everyone else and had to get on with it. My Mum is rigid, structured, ordered Capricorn, half the time and amped this up to try and rigidly control every penny I spent that I earned because she was afraid I’d end up like her brother. She let my sister do what she liked. She also hated swearing, bad grammar and had no understanding or tolerance for anyone who didn’t share her values and didn’t live by a strict routine. It’s very difficult to see yourself when you compromise who you are so that you please and get on with a parent. This is especially true when you are living under a cloud of grief. So I developed a strong fear of never having enough money, became miserly because of it and always feel not enough due in part to her sharp and critical tongue. This was love bombing, because the more I conformed and reflected her back to herself the easier life was and the nicer she was. Until I rebelled because it was like existing in a straight jacket! Anyway, you look lovely today Doctor Ramani. Dark haired people don’t go grey they turn silver and your hair looks gorgeous makes you look very magical. Sending you Love and a Big Hug and hope you are feeling as vibrant and radiant as you look. Xxxjools
This my whole family. They’re rigid. My mothers mother, her sister(and her husband). They always looked down their noses at everyone who was not like them.
I love what Maya Anjou said, " When you know better, you do better." The rigidity is astounding. I have been thinking about the quadrangle of cognition. Cognitive Dissonance and Cognitive Resonance are on one axis, Cognitive Rigidity, and Cognitive Flexibility are on another. There may be more angles. I have wondered over and over again why people choose misery over paradise. This is not to say to diminish the challenges of Les Miserable, but to look at all of us who are living in the lap of luxury, and still, ennui prevails, purposelessness.
When we stare deeply into the abyss, the abyss stares into us. So True.
But, nothing is itself without everything else, also being itself.
It makes me wonder about the butterfly effect.
My mother, end stage dementia, said long ago, she wanted to do it all in THIS life time. .... and yet her brood are a narcissistic breed, the trauma is overwhelming, the rigidity is 'written in stone', the cruelty is running barely under the inadequate radar of elder abuse.... Still she persists. My mother.
In this stage of her life, she is the vortex around which the rest of us appear and disappear. She is so slow, and so grateful and so resigned to follow the flow. It is up to us to make it happen..... with a couple of siblings who are black holes for kind energy, and selfish to the end of the earth... ugggghhhhhh.......
My mother is making us face this situation, even to the extent she may have also co-created it.
We need some big solutions..... or else I hope the youngsters find an as yet undetermined path... I listed to a great pod cast by Lisa Miller a few days ago.... about spirituality, neuroscience, red doors and yellow doors....
Hope is still alive.
My mom and, especially, my dad. No one is ever “good enough” or as smart as them. It’s revolting
Btw Dr Ramani, I used DEEP and resisted the temptation to look at a particular narc's social media. Just want to share that little victory...
Aaaargh.....I am waking up to my shady ways! Hoping to learn, grow and change. Thank you Dr Ramani.
Yeah, me too.... under various stresses, over time, these patterns have come out in me in the past. My mother was like this. Still sorting and healing.
Ramani killing it extra lately.
This is exactly the video I needed right now. I'm in a bit of a trauma bond with my roommate/business partner and this is exactly the kind of person she is. It wasn't super assistant at first, but I've been watching a lot of your videos lately and staying to pull away, and she's been coming at me full force between love bombing and devaluing. I think your channel may be my chance for hope of something after this 🧡
Hold onto your new boundaries, it’s hard at first but it does get easier. Hang on your worth it.
Thank you, Dr. Ramani.
You described my dad. He has all those qualities, he loves to brag and shame/criticize everyone. He always blamed me for all unlucky things that happened to me. And when I was emotional about it, he would call me crazy and always told me to toughen up.
I was a professional athlete and after practice all summer for 10+ hours a day, I came to the tournament and a day of a tournament I cut myself really bad with a knife and twisted my ankle when running at a wet surface. I was devastated and called him crying. He yelled at me and said that it’s all my fault and I did it on purpose.
When I told him about it he said it never happened. He is also a master of gaslighting. He makes sure to say “it’s so ridiculous and it’s never happened, but even if it happened it’s not a big deal, if it’s a big deal, time have passed you should be over it” and he would say it about same event….
He would shame divorced people all the time (more like divorces woman), if husband cheated on a woman, it’s her fault for working to much and not spending time with him, if husband is aggressive, it’s woman’s fault of selecting such guy or another one “she likes it”.
Writing it makes me embarrassed of how he is! And he is a doctor so he would make sure to put it in your face that he makes money, he pays bills and owns property…
Last straw was when he blamed me when my husband left me. I was devastated and instead of support I got lots of humiliation from my dad. No contact with him.
My mom, just ugly ugly
Exactly the same dad. Mine told me “it takes two,” “you’re a failure,” “now I have to tell my parents there’s going to be a DIVORCE in the family”! He was angry and disgusted by me… I had a gun pulled on me and was in an abusive marriage. He knew this when he said that to me. He had no problem blaming and shaming me.
Thank you Dr Ramani. You gave me awareness.
This resonates for me as this depicts my grandfather. The amount of destruction that he put his kids (my parent), and his partner (my grandma) through has continued to wreak havoc through generations. Thank you for this work to help us heal.
My last wife was diagnosed bi-polar. I now know her narcisism. My current wife is even more narcissistic. I am a narcissist magnet. My business partner is a narcisisist also. I was raised by my mom only, with 5 siblings. Chaos and disorder. Thanks Dr Ramani. You have helped me out of a very dark place. I started going to CR and now have a place where I can talk about it. I don't otherwise have any friends.
I dont have any real friends right now either. Its a weird thing growing up with a single narc mother . I was taught by example that no one is good enough to be her friend...even me....especially me.
CR is great! Keep coming back. It works if you work it and you're worth it!
I hadn’t understood and identified this type of narcissist before. This is very very helpful.
I wish my self-righteous, "morally superior" ex had been fiscally conservative. Instead, he had to prove to everyone else how generous he was by giving money (and time) we did not have to the church or charities, always in a public manner. He was super moral (aka judgey) , reliable and helpful to everyone except me.
My mother is a self righteous narcissist and the definition fits her TO A T. And there was zero “love bombing”. She was so stingy with love and affection it was galling. Throughout my entire childhood and adult life, any time I said I love you, I was met with silence and if I was lucky some eye contact. I would offer up the chance every time I saw her by ending any time spent with an i love you and a hug. And every single time I was rejected. I reached the point that going no contact a year ago was the only choice.
Love you Dr. Ramani! Im in a 15 year relationship with a covert narcissist. Ive been in therapy for over 2 years and am finally at the point of not taking his attacks/arguments personal anymore. Thank GOD! Go to therapy people! It works! Through this, along with recording our arguments, I now accept that it is not me who is the toxic one, it is him, and he even admits to his narcissism now, and even wants help! I feel very freed now. Im just waiting for him to get out of my house. Lol (he is buying a house thank god) we may go to couple's therapy (after he moves out) we cant live under the same roof until then because he makes it impossible to live in peace.
God I do hope he's genuine about seeking help. Narcissism is hard to heal but self-awareness can go a mile. Good luck with everything. I wish you the best!
Sounds like manipulation, stand clear, you'll be wasting more time, let another narc have him, why sacrifice yourself for him, mine lives to regret his narcism and I'm tough as nails, if you don't need him for financial reasons... I'm born in '61 and he was Plan B, as a narc whose quite content to stay with me and see our kids/help more (they're in their 20's and do very well but still we're there for them) I've benefits staying having lived my best yrs prior, staying with him allowed me to elude my total toxic narc family, perish the thought I ever needed them, push comes to shove he's there for me but I've got to spell it all out for him, he's my favorite dumb animal!
@@joseenoel8093 sounds exhausting. Where do you get the stamina? Good for him if he regrets his narcissism, I guess. Is he a transformed person as a dumb animal? aka a 'unicorn' in Ramani language? Maybe you have it as good as it gets. How hard is it to be 'tough as nails'...... ? I have heard a friend describe her good natured handyman engineering husband as 'like and old pot. He doesn't expect much. I keep him clean and he is useful.' Even that seems to be a step in the right directions to unicorn-ville. Good on you!
Please be careful of his claims of wanting help, going to couple's therapy and buying a house, especially has he is still living in your house. To me that sounds like he may be trying to manipulate you. If people really want help and want to change, they will go seeking it themselves. They will not be waiting for someone else to have it arrange for them.
I have seen different Therapists over the years, some through our main national health service, others by going to free or donation services and also a few privately paying for it myself. Is he making the effort to find therapy himself? Or is he just trying to gaslight you?
Please look after yourself in all this. You owe this man nothing.
Yeah he’ll never let you live in peace even
Thank you so much. Dr Ramini for showering us with all your insights about Narccasism and about other mental health topics
My ex narcissist and I were having a disagreement about the BLATANT lack of consideration when it came to my feelings in our relationship and she screamed…IT AIN’T ABOUT YOU!!!! I was shocked that she would basically admit that my views, emotions, and opinion didn’t matter as long as I catered to her demonic and self righteous narcissist agenda.
Oh I've heard that alot, you're making me also see that it's something I'd never say, isn't that interesting, it would just never dawn on me, but I've fought back with "Oh ya, my life is about me", he'd also pressured his happiness onto me, pretty tall order I said. They endlessly need us to get away from themselves, lots of pressure I think and we're no good to them dead so blow!
"It's not all about you" is a phrase I heard from someone I now think is a narc. Of course it isn't, because they think it's all about them. It seems to be a red flag phrase.
This video made 100% sense as it is exact;y the situation I am in…Crazy
Haven't watched the video yet, but I had to share this. This beautiful red colour looks amazing on you, Dr Ramani!
OMG! 😱 😳 😱 You described my NEX to a tee! Got out of that relation💩 PDQ. 🙄😬🙄 Saw him many years later & he was much WORSE!!! He criticized someone about weight gain & I looked at him wondering what fun house mirror which he saw himself. Bald, rotten teeth, pot belly, toddler posture, cheap suit & shoes with the soles detached. He drank wine 🍷 like he was on a yacht hobnobbing with the rich & famous then smoked a cigar like he was in a mahogany board room. A forensic psychologist in the prison system… he was superior to all.
At the end of the day there's a traumatizing set of behavioral patterns matching every wound of ours that we don't assume responsibly for healing by seeking psychotherapy... It looks tempting to seek comfort in anybody else but the specialist that will support us with self-compassion and self-healing...
Thank you Dr. Ramani. Now I won't feel guilty anymore whenever I perceive someone as being too nice at first when they are strangers or I barely know them anyway instead of being down on myself for not showing interest in them the same as towards others who have less favorable sounding backgrounds. Like the other day when the driver sent while I was walking towards his vehicle asked me if I wanted to sit next to him in the front seat or in the back of the vehicle behind the plastic barrier which left me only feeling anxious for the whole trip. My anxious feeling needs me to be paying attention to it as valuable information instead of me falling for the idea that is only something which needs to be medicated. If I pay attention to an anxious feeling and learn whatever I need to from it then I can let it go sooner while not making any mountain out of a molehill and then get on with my day.
My Father is a Self-Righteous Narcassist. It was hell growing up with him and my Mother closed off to see what I see and everyone else not seeing it either, she's very Codependent. My mom and dad grew up in the same religion so I can see why she fell for him. 🙄
Yep- totally rigid and self righteous - judgmental of anyone who doesn’t act right, think right. Found me as a born again Christian gal who was trying to live conservatively. 100 % on target
Is it possible that one parent is neglectfull narcissist and the other one is other one is self-righteous narcissist?
It is ALWAYS so refreshing to see your face in my feed, an understanding friend and source of comfort. God bless you Dr Ramani ❤️
Please do a video on
Recovery Tip: Don't fight narcissist with fire as Hell is their playground.
As sometimes people on receiving end of narc abuse also get angry .
That is a beautiful proverb!
So true indeed
Agree. Also another similar thing I heard is: They will beat you with experience and want you to go crazy trying.
Agreed. One of the biggest mistakes I made was saying how I felt about something a narc said to me, I did this in a bad mood to begin with, and the person just exploded. I still think of how abusive they were to me years later. The best thing is to just discard them they way they discard others.
In my personal experience with a partner who very much behaved like a self-righteous narcissist, beneath the surface they hardly followed the strict rules they imposed on others. For example, cheating was something they decried as horrible and claimed, self-righteously, if they ever developed feelings for someone else, they would of course first get out of their current relationship. I found that so reassuring. Did they end cheating on me more than once? Of course. However, they perhaps believed because it was emotional cheating, that somehow didn't make them hypocritical. They're so sly and it nearly destroyed me. Untangling their deceptions was one of the hardest things I've had to go through. It also didn't stop them from discarding me swiftly and coldly.
Seeing the different ways narcissism can manifest in different people is very helpful. I had an interesting experience that I think revealed the self righteous tendencies in my narc husband many years ago.
I was hosting an all-day, journal writing retreat. My entire goal was to provide a safe space for people to write and sit with their feelings without any judgment from me at all.
My husband attended the retreat (something at the time I didn't see as strange or controlling). At the end, after a particularly emotional moment, one of the attendees shared that she was a trans woman struggling to manage her transition without hurting her wife and daughter. I was so proud that everyone in the group was supportive and gentle with her. And no one made any judgments (this was over a decade ago when trans people did not have the visibility they have now).
Shortly afterward, my husband outed himself as my spouse and two people in the group visibly gasped. I think it was because he let judgments come into every one one of his comments. A room of strangers saw a misfit that I was unaware of.
This happened to me when I was young lonely and single. I met a beautiful woman that convinced me I was the best thing since sliced bread. I took it hook, line, and sinker and was blind and deaf to the warnings
Ho. Lee. Sheot! You just described my estranged mother to a tee! She totally displays ALL those traits with one slight difference. Her form of love bombing is to buy something for you, not too expensive mind you, and give it to you as a peace offering with the expectation that it resets and fixes everything.
Took me a while to learn that it was the act of accepting the gift that she saw as the reset. If I took it no concerns/complaints of mine mattered afterward. I was just being an asshole at that point. If I didn't accept the gift she would send it to me by someone else. If it didn't come back she interpreted that as everything was fixed and hunky-dory again. It wasn't until I refused delivery, much to the dismay of her flying monkey delivery person, did she start getting a different message. Of course, she interprets that action as being ungrateful and disrespectful towards her.
Hi Wayne, I can relate to your experience with the magic "reset." My self-righteous narc would never bother to get a gift for me or anyone else. Her "gift" to anyone
would consist of a phony friendly phone call that would erase any BS she has ever pulled. Just some friendly "chit-chat" to let the peasant know that she is available
to be worshipped. No issues will be broached.
One example of the utter disregard for boundaries: My narc was a member of a Teens and Twenties church group, (naturally). One week everyone starts getting
Thank-You correspondence from Save The Children for sponsoring a child for so-much-a month. It was the whole package.
She actually signed up EVERYONE in the group, about 25 people, to a financial commitment, but NOT HERSELF! She never said a word until she announced it as her handiwork and that anyone who would have a problem supporting orphans was evil. Of course no one followed through and nothing was accomplished but her own ego stroking. What a piece of work.
My parents were self-righteous narcs, and they often used "charity" as a way to love bomb. This did two things, it made them feel more superior and also gave them a right to guilt trip and hold their unsolicited "charity" over people's heads. " You can't say anything bad about me because I was nice to you, or helped you, even after you told me no a million times."
My ex-girlfriend who was a self-righteousness narrassist and her love bombing was so pathetic. It still makes me shiver. It all stems from the lack of emotion.
I'm so happy you're making more video's about the selfrighteous narcissist. This opened my eyes. My father tried to control everything. We never got a key of the house, he even told us how many toiletpaper we should use (three sheets for number one and five for number two)... He never talked positive about other people, there was always something wrong with everybody. Nothing wrong with him of course... He was so strict with everything. I'm an adult now and it still effects my everyday life. My fear of making mistakes is so big that I'm not able to get a job. There was always so much wrong with me that I still believe that I'm a bad person and that there's no place for me in this world. I'm working on it with the help of my psychologist.
Dr Ramami, thank you for all your effort to make this content! 🙏
This reminds of my father. 😔
Really?
I feel sorry for you 😥 we're not alone..
@Mary Carroll It helps me to read that I'm not the only one. On the other hand, I feel sorry for you that you went through something like this.
I knew something wasn't right. My father told me it was my fault 'It's your behavior that makes me do this,' he said when he was angry at me.' My mother protected him saying: 'He had a stressful day.' 'He is busy.' 'He doesn't mean it.' 'Maybe you did something wrong too.' You know, the classic reactions. And when you hear that year in year out, as a child without any references, you are starting to think: maybe I'm really a horrible and stupid child. But I wasn't rebellious. I only had a strong opinion and a mind of my own.
He tells every one that I am his "baby doll". He puts on quite the show, about what a great husband he is. He makes everyone think that he loves me over the moon. And when we do get to go somewhere, it is so he can share how good he is, like a trip out of town for our 40th wedding anniversary. He is completly differant at home and in private. No empathy. No respect. But I must respest him above all. And treat him as though he is my hero.
I just don't know how to even begin to Thank you for all the revelations you are doing. Am getting to just understand what I ve been through since childhood. Brought up by a single narcissistic mother, followed a harrowing marital experience, followed by (Seemingly), supported by my covert, Big-Giver, narcissistic elder sister.. Elder to me by 11years..All this has been my Normal.Since I just started following you, it's getting really overwhelming, revealing, freeing, I hawl like a child every single time, but there's a inner peace, that I can't describe. I always overcompensated throughout my life, didn't feel worthy ever, have had eating disorders for 30years, carried guilt of a broken marriage.. Just educating myself on everything n listening to all you say, is so liberating for me that I can't even begin to express. I wish I could Meet you and Thank you on person. Lots n lots of Love n blessings your way. Keep shining the way you do. You can't imagine the light you are spreading in this world. Stay blessed n Safe.
Thank you for your work, it is truly eye opening. You are absolutely brilliant.
That looks like my parents' story together. My non-narcissistic parent really came from a chaotic family, that was very poor and had an agressive alcoholic father. And my narcissistic parent is self-righteous and very religious, just like my narcissistic grandparent was.
This is why it's sooo important to go slow listen , observe everything. Watch how they compete with u making sure u know how above u they are , instead of encouraging u . Watch how they treat wait staff as If they are entitled and everyone is there to serve them . These types are even bigger bullies in an under mining way . They make sure you know you don't measure up to all they have achieved in life but again in an under mining way , to were you begin to think something is off here but u r unsure to the full extent as to whats off . These types are becoming more common because high achievement , material things and money mean so much to a narcissist that operate from a high level of narcissism. My experience / life lesson was a gift that empowered me instead of breaking me , that brought me into my self worth having now healthy boundaries . It increased my discernment instead of staying niave to manipulation which is abuse . I was a victim I allowed that to serve its purpose at the time , but I did not stay stuck there , I allowed it all to change me were I needed to change which was my thinking. Pain is growth and pain don't always have to be a bad thing if the outcome is a good one . So many times these experiences are life lessons that can ultimately be a gift.
Wow, you just explained my parents' 41 year marriage. I never understood it.
There was SO much self-righteousness in the narcissists in my family-of-origin. AND in the people they then added to the family structure by marriage. My brother's wife is one of the coldest people I've ever met; she's robotic, except when she's being self-righteous. She was my son's Sunday school teacher for a while (not by my choice, and I didn't know she was in that role), and when he was three she shook him while telling him that his father abandoning us was HIS fault because "God doesn't love bad children". It was...insane, and I didn't find out about it for over a year.
And she tried to force me to attend mediation with them--with someone they'd pay for, who believed that superficial gloss of "good Christian". I didn't know at the time how to describe what was going on, but I knew going into mediation would have set me up for gaslighting and social bullying (probably also from the mediator, whose license would have been via Christian organizations and therefore not necessarily science-based OR inclusive). Like, mediation is a great idea--when it's happening with someone who is truly neutral and it's happening with people who have relatively-equal power in the situation. But I had just moved over 1000 miles on my family's promises to help me as I dealt with the situation my late husband was creating, and no one was actually fulfilling the problems they had put IN WRITING.
She did all these "I'm acting in good faith" bids that weren't, too. Like "We can't help you if we don't know how you need help", I'd send a comprehensive list of "hey, here are some practical things other people can do that would help me", and she'd then reply that I "wanted too much", that I was lazy, that SHE could sure use that kind of help too. Like, I'm sorry. I couldn't afford TOILET PAPER because I literally had less than $10/month left over after all the bills were paid, but somehow I'm asking too much to list "buy an extra pack of toilet paper for me when you're already at Costco"?
Meanwhile, I was a horrible person for moving her daughter's water glass out of reach after that three-year old daughter had already knocked her ice water all over me once. How dare I correct HER child (by silently but physically preventing another accident that had already soaked me)???
There was so much. So much. When my late husband died, she didn't even acknowledge it at all. Yet she sent a condolence card to my cousins (who even I'd only met once) when our aunt (who she'd never even met) died. And she made sure I knew she'd done so.
Her narcissistic abuse was actually MINOR, in comparison to everything else I'd experienced from the rest of my family of origin. But it compounded the damages they caused, because here was an "outsider", someone not raised in the family, who echoed the family's total rejection and condemnation of me. So experiencing that while actually in real distress and in real need for help because my late husband left us in a dire situation...I'm still very very angry about it.
Oh ALSO. My self-righteously narcissistic father: telling me I owed him money when I was twelve and got my first job delivering newspaper, keeping a fucking LEDGER for all of the "expenses" each of his children incurred as children, insisting I OWE him money EVEN NOW (after taking the money I gave him to pay for my credit card while I lived in China for a year and not paying them--which resulted in them suing me as soon as I got back to the States), and having a checking account with a $300,000 while refusing to help me with medical expenses during a cancer scare while my step-mother kept insisting they were "too poor" to help because they needed to buy private health insurance now that they were retiring (but they paid the down payments for HER daughter to buy each of her houses).
Miserly and cheap is their middle name. If it doesn't help THEIR bottom line, they are not interested. Rarely do they want to go on vacation because they do not want to spend money. They lack the generosity cog.
THANK YOU FOR THIS VIDEO! Going through a fallout with one of these self righteous oversized children now.
I experienced Spiritual abuse from my X Covert Passive Aggressive Narcissist
Me too. Learning about narcissism helped me break free him & a high-controlled religion. Hope you are happy & at peace ❤
This is once again THE INFO I needed today! I've been struggling with this upstanding thing, the doing the good/right thing at many times but and it's a big but, it's not what I want or need. They stick to the same things always because that's what they believe is the right thing. What comes clear is that it's their right thing and things that look good to others. Underneath it is robotic, if they believed shellfish was something that should be eaten every Wednesday even if you are highly allergic and would end up in hospital they will still feed you shellfish on Wednesday because to them it's the right thing. There is no negotiations, there is no real empathy or understanding, there is no real caring no real love they don't see you or hear ýou. You either do as they say and want or you are the enemy. It's conditional strict, punitive vindictive entitled cold and no true empathy unless it's for themselves. They suck you in with guilt, manipulate your emotions, cry at times and tell you what's right what's wrong and how much you're hurting them all the while you're lieing in the gutter. They'll tell you you're wrong at every given opportunity. They appear assured but underneath theyre little children and their weapon of choice is passive aggression and the main manipulator is guilt. This also explains why grey rock has worked with others in my life but not others as they want superficial conversations where you say yes and no at the appropriate times. I think grey rock has to be adjusted depending on the type you're dealing with. The common denominator for all toxic people is lack of emotional empathy, coldness, lack of interest in you as a person and that deep gutt feeling where you feel uncomfortable around them like you can't relax and be yourself. Huge red flag ✌
First of, Dr. Ramani’s so beautiful inside and out 😍!!! Also this is soooo accurate! When my ex and I met we were both 24. I was already living on my own since I was 17 and still trying to further my education, he was just starting his career after graduating from his university. I moved around a lot growing up and he had lived in the same house and went to school with the same kids from kindergarten-high school. My parents were never married, 1 of them battling a mental illness in & out of mental hospitals and 1 of them even more emotionally unstable with a personality disorder. Initially I was definitely attracted to how “together” he had his life with his supportive parents. After a couple years he bought his first house and the rest is everything mentioned in the video.
Wow!! My Ex Boyfriend was definitely a Self Righteousness Narcissist.
He had all these Godly Morals. Said that he did all this to have "Eternal life!"
But yet he was FREAK of the Week!
Doctor Ramani, I can't tell you how grateful I am to you. I came across this video, and it clicked. I just ended my short relationship with a dude, and this is exactly what happened, and this is exactly his personality. He is at the end of the day super fucked up and he's everything you're talking about. It's crazy how textbook people are
My brother in laws are self righteous narcissists - they look at me as inferior to them and look down on me with contempt in a snotty arrogant manner - they act like they own ultimate “truth” and have life all figured out (but I don’t ) ….whatevs 🙄
Dr. Ramani, you are doing a great service for so many of us! I have lived with narcissistic abuse for decades and knew my marriage was missing key elements yet couldn’t pinpoint or explain it. Then I found your videos! I’ve got answers and clarity! What a gift to me. I deserve and have the resiliency for pure joy and freedom from this toxic narc crap. Moving forward. Thank you so much❤️❤️
I think I had one of these but not every aspect of the self-righteous Narc, but a lot of it. The entitlement, the throwing the money in my face. He got meaner with time, but to lovebomb me he offers lavish nights out at restaurants to entice me. I'm glad I have listened to this while feeling drawn back in.
My narcissistic sister is trying to get back in my life after four months of no contact I’m not going there. I am staying strong
What kind of narcissist is she, I've been no contact for six months and I'm not sure what or how to deal her if she tries to reach out to me
@@tammyrules2000 it is hard and if she is like my sister she will try to. Ale contact eventually. Mine tried with presents to the kids, flying monkeys, etc. just stay strong you know what’s right for you hold to your beliefs
I let the gifts go to the kids and I had my mother call my sister with the girls to thank her because I was not gonna get on the phone with her because that was what she wanted. I would think very carefully with how you respond to anything or you’ll get sucked right back in
Absolutely GENIUS!! Dear god everything I experienced with a self righteous narc !!! Amazing thank u 🙏 😘 ❤