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Important Tip For Setting Boundaries In A Relationship - Dr Julie
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- Опубліковано 25 чер 2022
- Subscribe to me @Dr Julie for more videos on mental health and psychology. #mentalhealth #relationships #shorts
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WHO AM I:
I'm a clinical psychologist. I am here to share insights from therapy and psychology research so that you can make use of it in your daily life to understand how your mind works and optimise your own mental health. I cover all things from confidence and motivation to mood and anxiety. I look forward to chatting with you in the comments.
I'm Dr. Julie thanks for being here. Subscribe for more videos on mental health and psychology.
For more see my international bestselling book - Why has nobody told me this before?
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Your advice is so straight forward and easy to understand! I love your channel because it helps me live a healthier life both mentally and physically. Thank you❤
@@cquinn185❤❤ if you have to change yourself to be perfect and they are liers it's not good, it's toxic, but it's worse under the church facade..it's just evil....
You are right!
What is no sex marriage...
When it be healthy?
It can be good to cross communication and conversational boundaries. Some people make their boundaries too much. If someone is on a mental health break but you know the perfect way to make them happy, then cross their communication boundary. It will only be longer if you let them recover on their own. You have a choice to make them happy faster. They could be uncomfortable at first, but at the end, they’ll be extremely happy and they could thank you. And there would be a longer period of happiness in their life. If someone feels sad, do what would be fast to make them happy.
"If you have to betray yourself in order to be liked by someone else it's not a healthy relationship"
Is definitely worth repeating
La regola aurea. 👌🏻
--- TRUE, RIGHT, AND CORRECT, BECAUSE SHE DIVORCED ME . . . because I saw through the phoniness of Madonna-worship and self-abasement, just for some poontang.
I learned this the hard way a while ago. Lost a friendship because a good friend refused to respect the boundary I set, after being scared to do so for years. Should've done this years earlier.
Same here, in fact, my friend used to call me sensitive and immature for 'overreacting' when he would disrespect my boundaries. Glad i left
That wasn't a good true friend.
A quick qs to u, as i am going through this all now but typically i think be might different from u as a friendship of years i was replaced by girl as friend like i would totally understand if it was a relationship of two romantic love birds but he made her friend which i totally don't like it, and when leave he stops me like cries to not but i find it toxic for both of us like i can't say that leave her as then and their ill be a bad person so i just comfort him that I'll always be here but it will never be the same as before, so plz correct me if i am wrong that leaving for a peace pf mind at age of 18 is going to be fruitful.
🥺❤️
I relate, the damage was done early so I've been a people pleaser for some time till I realize what I've been doing.
in one sentece: My rights do not end where your feelings begin.
It’s very provocative
I literally have a shirt with this phrase my dad got it at some point it was way too small but a couple too sizes big on me to the point it makes a nice sleep shirt. Although that shirt it's made in a political context, ig I never thought about the fact that the statement rings true otherwise
@@SeraEMSlol now I want a T-shirt with that quote
Sentence*
@@behindmyblueeyes99 yea cuz lefties dont like when kids have boundaries
Omg. Am i the only one who scared with her putting off the fire like that 😂 is her finger okay? Nevermind
i tried that once and burned my finger... i dunno how she did that rip
You need to wet your finger, so that the Leidenfrost effect takes place.
Still, with no water, it’s not so bad
Lol look at her hand when she puts the match out. She puts something on her fingers, likely water or ice.
Sure gets the point across. The wick is long, the wax cold, the sound; either water on her fingers, or effects.
No?
UA-cam suddenly plays a videos from this channel when I'm scrolling down shorts casually and it gives me right peace of advice at rights unexpectedly. It happens everytime and I feel it's something magical.
Jung called it "sincronicity". Sweet dreams (it's midnight). 🤗
Really needed to hear this, thank you.. I've never been able to maintain boundaries because I've been made to feel I'm being selfish, rigid and firm,,, so I'd always apologize and demolish them myself,,, until recently,,, i decided I can not put up with this toxicity anymore!
Me too
Me too.
I wish I had someone like you in my life to tell me that 😭❤ I really learned this the hard way.. Not to betray my own self & the right people will find me ❤
I think this is the best thing I've ever heard from a therapist/psychologist, thank you, Dr Julie. I actually learnt this lesson in person recently too. I'm not going to abandon myself anymore, I love and respect myself too much now.
Thanks to those people who taught us to be the way we're. We will never forget 🤮
Betrayal of yourself in order not to betray another, is betrayal nonetheless. It is the highest betrayal. ~NDW
A friend of mine told me whatever you think she's doing to you is a mirror of what you're doing to yourself. Indeed, I was abandoning myself too by not setting boundaries.
“Use your power for Good“
I am seeing so many young people today using their need for boundaries and understanding from other people for difficult conditions to become the one that everyone must walk around so carefully so as not to disturbed them. It’s becomes a form of bullying in itself while complaining that they are being bullied.
Brilliant wise words ❤
I agree, my husband said he has learned to set boundaries with his therapist so he will no longer be guilted into helping me get food and other things. I am 7months pregnant, with a chronic pelvic pain that has me on bed rest and diabetes. To learn that my husband is giving up on helping me because his therapist said so is heartbreaking.
@@neneventura3571 is there a regulatory body that governs therapists,?? She sounds polarized. She needs to hear your side too. I'm sorry you're going through this. I understand, but in a different way.
~ I wish you every good thing. take care of yourself okay ❤️❤️❤️
@@neneventura3571aww. I’m sorry if it’s inappropriate to ask or propose considering this
(since it’s a question, it can be yes as well as no, so I just go for it 🙃)
Could it be that your companion is giving a modified version of what is really told or discussed during his therapy ?
It would very much surprise me that a professional, IF given a transparent and honest version of reality (of your / the situation your life both / home / as a couple)
- important to start with that, bc if it’s represented differently than the facts, it’s quite probable that it’s also happening / applied / done on both sides … (if so, it’s often is done with everyone in their life) -
that they would advise them to not help you with daily chores / chores
- that are part of a common life that are shared / managed by both (by all adult people living together) -
in general firstly,
and even less given the current situation … the context you both are living (you having to lay down for the sake of your and your future child’s health ?)
Nothing comparable and not at all referring to this as something that could be the case here (as I know nothing about the situation ofc) but I bumped into content abt NPD narcissists informing abt this as being a way / tactic used by some of them to manipulate. I don’t know why I’m mentioning the content that made me write this comment, if it can help understand things more, as a behaviour that can be used by anyone ofc, not only limited by NPD’s. Everyone, at least 1x in their life, manipulates :) Let’s say it’s there only to serve as extra info that can be useful as input when informing
> abt the subject (general knowledge abt humanity/psychology/philosophy), > and - if needed for you to have more clarity on the situation (which is your right, to have peace of mind on the matter) - abt what is actually going on. Have another version than just a single 1, that of your companion only, of the different settings adresses by your companion ?
It’s quite delicate to just go with what is being said to you if it leaves you with injustice or lack of comprehension / wondering for settings where the only info you have at your disposition, is the one coming from your companion (discussions where you aren’t present and aren’t in relationship with the people that do / are present in the setting that is being addressed here)
If you don’t feel good abt it it’s your right to need clarity on this and thus informing on what leads to the situation you’re currently experiencing. And not keeping you wondering abt the facts, abt what’s actually leading to you finding yourself with a companion refusing to collaborate or help their partner when living in distress / health reason temporarily « handicaped » / « disabled » impossible to take care of yourself alone as a pregnant mother to be…
Hope it can be useful for a better outcome for each of you, and you in the first place. Even if before, the road to getting there, can be a little bit « uncomfortable »
you’d feel less confused if you had more clarity
which currently if I’m not mistaking, lacking comprehension for you (injustice, or
@@bunnyboonot4u I join with this reflection ✨
I didn’t see this comment before writing the one I just posted. I would’ve made a less long one 😅
I felt like … « someone needs to say something » ⚖️
Getting to comprehension or justice depending on what’s actually going on
You always, always ALWAYS come first. Thats what I do with my current relationship and will do with the others. If its the right person they will respect all of your boundaries and will be understanding of them. And please, do that too 💗
There is a balance. A healthy, mature relationship has a little give AND take. It requires acceptance on both parts, and sacrifice on both parts. But you should never sacrifice to the detriment of yourself and your health (mental, emotional, physical, spiritual, etc.).
It takes self-growth and maturity as well as relational growth and maturity to be able to find this balance 🥰
@Fuhi....so true. And if it's the wrong ppl in your life, they won't abide your boundaries & they'll tell lies about you too. (Ex: family needed housing, said I told em no (to other family members, which caused them to shun me as well), which wasn't true. I shared my desire to help as well as boundaries (house rules) & lined up work for em. Apparently, they couldn't abide "give & take" or responsibility). Lol. As a sidenote, apparently I've had nothing but wrong ppl in my life. I may b alone right now but life is getting better. Praise the Lord Most High! 😊
not really. if you comes first then many things become baised . it requires balance otherwise the partner ego will get hurt,they will consider unas dominating person . u will internationally hurt their feelings.
I have a hard time setting boundaries, especially as a codependent person. Thank you for this
Amen to that! I set boundaries,finally a number of years ago and now my life is so much calmer ,less stressed and the ones who didn't like it fell away so I wasn't that important to them in the first place as it was all about them....hence the reason I set the boundaries in the first place
*WE’RE ALL BECOMING SINGLE WITH THIS ONE* 🗣️🗣️🗣️🗣️🔥🔥🔥🔥
Thank you for helping me when setting boundaries the right way
Exactly! Love the tip!
We can get caught up in them who do not have a set of health boundaries. They may not be in self love, self awareness to write ✍️ down a value about yourself you want to have healthy boundaries. Educate yourself with a list of the healthy & unhealthy boundaries see if you are in any of those behaviors. Self check. Verbal communication to your new friends about your boundaries. Naturally it feels uncomfortable for people who did not know that it is a way of life to set boundaries for yourself with yourself & others . If you don’t drink 🚱 and they say come on let’s have one . Try setting a boundary to you that you know you make poor choices & behavior when I drink. An example for those who do not realize how important it is to have a set of healthy boundaries to keep you safe, & protected inside. Learn what your values & beliefs are. Spend time with yourself. Invest in your psychological wellbeing. It’s a Superpower 🦸♀️ ❤🎉 Let them GO. More friends come. Try not to have unhealthy attachments to other people. Healthy attachments is education too. Good stuff 😊
Depends on the severity of the boundary.
There’s levels to this.
My understanding boundaries are lines in the sand, not the color of the draperies. 😂👍
That symbolism of putting off your own flame - GOLD!
Always denied to change who you are or will be miserable the rest of your life after 17 years of trying to keep my family I’m free and so happy cause I don’t have to hear screams and complains no more only the sweet music from the nature and the lovely words that’s my self 💫💫💫
She is So right!! I have been there and got into a lot of trouble and suffering, also I learned a lot about how important is to set boundaries so you get to know who loves you and respect you for who you trully are and not for whoo they want you to be. Don't be affraid of setting boundaries as it will scare away undesirable people and will atract the desirable ones, the ones more align with you. Remember you are your hero, play by your rules or rather God's rules and you will have NO MORE regrets 😀😍❤
I'm so glad I found your channel. You have no idea how much these help me, especially in my current situation... Thank you so much ❤️
hi, i wonder if your situation changed for the better?
Everyone: talking gabout the video
Me: did she just put out the candle with her fingers?
For real! I want to know how people do that
ikr- I just went Ahh-*it like I felt the pain
It's a quick light out so it only hurt for a second since I put my finger in hot oil for a second
She had something (water/ moisture) on her fingers (as it made a pretty loud "phsft" as she snuffed it). That's my guess anyway.
@@singingwindrider9881 and it creates a barrier of steam which makes it not painful
Hi Dr. Julie, thank you for the video. Atleast I feel relieve now. I have been in unhealthy relationship. My previous friend always ask help from me and one day I told her I can't because I am busy then she compare me with other people. I feel guilty since that day.
Sometimes I really miss my college friends because they are more independent & respect boundary even nobody teach us about it. Together we go to class & programme but separate when eat & shopping because each of us have different financial conditions. One of us struggling and try to save money as much as she can. She never ask for help & she don't want to (we don't buy food for her because she used to avoid us). We do ask her how she survived and she told us she only eat packet instant noodles and only buy proper meal if she has extra budget and she only buy necessity. One of us rich so she always eat outside campus, has car and shop things like Sephora, The Body Shop etc..The rest of us just buy affordable food inside campus and eat at our own room. Shopping only at the end of the month. We all do hangout together at mall and eat sushi one time. We order according to what we can afford and pay separately. For the external activity, I am the most active and I never force them to follow me and they never disturb my schedule. Some of us prefer go back to parents home during weekend. That's why I miss them. We lost contact after the graduation because all of us came from different state/ town plus they have their own life now (family). I only talk to them if they start it first or I encounter them.
Betrayal, that pain that eats you from the inside out, can either break you, or forge you into something greater 👾
Is your hand okay?
I thought the same exact thing lol 😂
She is fine, she put her fingers in water (you can see at one point she put her hand somewhere but didn't show it, after that she rubbed the water on her fingers). By putting that water when she put her fingers in the candle it created a barrier if steam which let her put out the fire with no pain whatsoever.
Loads of love Julie❤ I remember one of ur video changed my life completely 3 years ago. Encouraged me to take a decision for myself and I am now studying Integrative Counselling. I am grateful!
Thank you. Wish you all the best ❤️
@@DrJuliethere’s something I disagree with you in this short. If someone does not like a boundary, they should definitely explain why the boundary setter doesn’t set that boundary. That whey, the boundary setter doesn’t get that uncomfortable when someone is close to them, it can count as helping.don’t change your boundaries to be liked, change it if there are invalid reasons for it. As I would do this whether or not I know someone.
You're exactly right! My narcissistic wife of 25 years hates when I set a boundary, or calls her out when she crosses a boundary, but then the kids and I live in hell for quite some time afterwards! It's very sad and discouraging!
I am having problem establishing boundaries with everyone around me. I take setting boundary as cutting the connection, I do not talk the same way I used to talk to them, and I end up thinking “why don’t I just cut off the relationship” idk what to do with such thoughts lol help
I am not sure if we have the same problem. But somehow I can't even tell people around me what the boundaries are, but I know them myself. So when they cross them it also changes how I communicate with them. I don't know how to communicate the boundaries because I feel like it's gonna change the entire relationship, so instead most of the time it's just me beating myself up over something I never made clear in the first place :/
Yeah i always get so annoyed cuz ”Im just being comfortable with them” but i know its not right so pls help
@@sethmudau2933 I relate 😫 It seems to take being on both ends of the spectrum and some self awareness to learn this curve. It is a process and we have to be gentle and patient with ourselves. We can and eventually learn how to communicate it if we try
Perhaps my example will help you. I have a strong desire to help ppl. However, you must protect yourself. If helping someone else hurts you, you need to not do it. Setting clear boundaries help. The problem: family needs housing, agree to take em in, however, house rule is no horror movies or secular music played in the house. I need this for my peace. I am extremely spiritually sensitive. I also had arranged jobs (later found out they really didn't want to work). They thought it unreasonable & told other family members I flat refused them. I made the boundary clear, they were the ones with the problem. Not me. Having clear boundaries saves your health & peace of mind.
"I heard about your problem & I'd really like to help. I do have one house rule though due to my health (belief, work schedule, etc). I can't have any horror movies (or ______) played (brought) in my house. I can also get you a job. How does that sound"?
When your boundary is phrased openly in a non threatening manner, they are free to accept or reject. They will b the one to cut connection if it's so distasteful to them. But you're doing the right thing & the choice is theirs.
I am proud of myself for setting boundaries in my relationship. Because I am tired of pleasing others than myself.
Thank you Dr Julie. A very important lesson learnt especially when dealing with silent treatment in a relationship
Thank you for validating my feeling that this is ok to be me not settle
Thank you so much Dr Julie for the amazing content you giving here for free. It helps tremendously in understanding the feelings and emotions we sometimes get overwhelmed with not knowing exactly where they come from. With your tips one is able in those moments to breathe and take steps that are beneficial their mental health.
She’s right. They’re not really a true friend, if they don’t respect your boundaries
OMG. It's been quite hard to set thee boundaries lately. So grateful to see your video around. Thank you. ❤️
thank you for this. recently did it because they keep crossing my boundaries then gaslight me for doing so. I'm glad I got to stand up for myself
You have such a beautiful way to teach us. Thankyou for all you do
Thank you @DrJulie, I need that!☮️
Thank you as this is solid guidance
This video came to me at the right time. And thank you for reminding me that I am most definitely right in putting myself and mental health first. No one else will prioritise me or my sanity the way that I will for me.
I seen many many men fall for that and never worked out for them absolutely right on Julie😊
This hit like a lightning, thank you Julie, I should be more conscious with my relationships
Boundaries are so important. Good message.
I love the candle lighting part. Brilliant. You are giving a tip that illuminates the mind.
Spot on as usual and eloquently explained 😊👌
Thank you for this! Your videos always help/teach me something
Clear cut to the point thank you appreciate it
Very true, the other person also has the right to leave you for setting your boundaries and falling out of love with you.
As much as I didnt want to hear that, I needed to so thank you!
That was great to hear it today. Thank you🙏
Puts out the candle like a badass 👏
I wish I had heard this 5 years ago...
Learned it the hard way.
❤Loving Yourself ❤
We are not taught to love ourselves when we have had early childhood experiences that made us stop thinking of our self being 🥰 Most Important is YOU, not in a selfish way. Learn to practice your self love and watch you will not be looking for love from others. You are Love. ❤️ Love is your mind & body aligned by your own self awareness. Pay attention to your behaviors, responses to your own self. You can begin to live in the present moment because you are the present 💝. Lots of good books to open the mindset of one’s being.
Thank you. We need more tips like this please...
Thank you saying this.
:15 minutes ago, I had that exact same conversation with a family member.
This is confirmation 🙌🏼
Better words were never spoken ... thank you. So much !.
Oh thank you! I have set boundaries with my soon to be ex narc husband and my first born son! They have absolutely no idea what it does to me every day! Thank goodness my youngest boy loves his ma! ♥️
I love your presentation and use of props to get your point across.
I really really needed this succinct insight into boundaries today. Thank you for crystalizing it so clearly. I feel a sense of relief.
I actually took your advice. My mom has almost no respect for boundaries. Today i was firm and she absolutely did not like it, said i was treating her badly. Which i understand but i had to do it.
You are very kind. Thank you!
thank you. this is happening to me right now
It’s not wrong to dislike a boundary, but it is wrong to intentionally overstep it
Thanks for the reminder ❤
💯 percent accurate and true
And thank you as you have been helping me and countless others that can not get in to talk to our therapist or don't have access to one or on waiting lists to talk or see one...keep being you and helping the masses out here all over the world ..and keep this boundary of online tips going ..your defiantly and Angel 😇 as in some places I know you go up alot just to post these ..so once again Thanks for us all unto you..
Bruh she so strong like I'm over here worrying if her hand is okay after putting out a candle with her fingers
I hope I can find a psychologist like you for my panic attacks, anxiety, depression, ptsd
Working on this now 🙏 thank you so much for sharing 💕
thank you so much for this reminder! I had to end a relationship because I had to set a boundary and the other person had a negative and emotionally abusive reaction to it. I am glad I noticed it early on, and decided rather than break myself to fit a mold it was better to be my authentic self.
I like that term "if you have to betray yourself..." That speaks to a new look at my life.
Thank you Dr Julie!!!!!
I think setting and respecting boundaries are the only thing I do well. I find it very easy to cut people off when they don't respect my boundaries, now depending on what they disrespect I won't cut them off then and there. But if they do it enough times I will
Dayum that's a quality I aspire to be all the time, props to you, keep going ❤️💪🏻
@@bwingbwinggwiyomi I think the trick to doing it is really thinking about how they treat you and your boundaries, if they don't even hesitate to go past your's and just in general seem like they just want you for selfish reasons then it makes it easier to cut them off
Perfect time for this advise 😊🙏🏻🌷thank you so much ❤
Very well explained!
Best advice today ♥️ we really need to hear it
So many people in my life need to hear this
I know someone who set a “boundary “ with her relative to not talk on the phone with her, but still act like all is well. The relative has told me that all that was needed was a conversation about not wanting difficult topics discussed on calls, and he would have complied. It’s been ten years with only a few short calls. Instead of boundary setting, a discussion could have been had in person.
Your statement about the other person having the right not to like it is key too. I'm tired of hearing from some of my girlfirends complain about their men. If the other person isn't ok, its up to you to address that, by moving on. But don't stay, then blame them for pushing your boundaries in the first place. That's equally as bad.
I'm learning to set boundaries a lot more and it's helping my mood a lot and I can also slowly see others respecting me a little more too. I'm trying to stick to it to see a real bennifit
You’re really an amazing lady ur style is 🔥
Thank you for all your videos
So true boundaries and principles are some of the key functions to every day life those engaged with the ones setting those boundaries should be the ones fully supporting and respecting them.
I've been following you from quite sometime now and With everyone of your videos i become more in awe of your clarity of Mental health.. More power to you.. 👏
This sort of belief system is what has kept many people alone. No one is so great and wonderful that they can set rules for others to go by in order to keep them around. Humans are faulty and we learn to love others regardless of their faults. I know a few people who have live by these set of " my boundaries, "my rules" and ended up alone in their old age. With not even long term friendships.
Such great advice!
I never thought about it as betraying myself.
Thank you for the reminder...🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰😍😍😍😍😍
Absolutely correct Dr Julie 👍♥️
I appreciate such advice.
I would not sell myself less what I know I deserve. ❣️
It depends a lot how the boundaries are voiced, your tone of voice , & do they respect your boundaries?! Balance needed
Ok, yeah, I needed to hear that one!
Thank you.
This one is kind of bad, I have a better one. It can be good to cross communication and conversational boundaries. Some people make their boundaries too much. If someone is on a mental health break but you know the perfect way to make them happy, then cross their communication boundary. It will only be longer if you let them recover on their own. You have a choice to make them happy faster. They could be uncomfortable at first, but at the end, they’ll be extremely happy and they could thank you. And there would be a longer period of happiness in their life. If someone feels sad, do what would be fast to make them happy.
@@Cyanbrady2021 You'd be taking away their agency, and their victory, in the process.
Thank you for the tip 🙏
I needed to hear this so much. I blamed myself for setting a boundary which pissed off my bf. But just what you said makes so much sense. Theres no point stretching myself to be liked by him. Thank you again. Have saved this reel for future reference.
Yeah same
Thank you!
I have set boundaries. I will always stand for my integrity. I will not people please and let myself down. ❤❤❤❤ I am in school for physcology. Also, he didnt like that i set boundaries, at first. He learned quickly women like us are rare, and now he is growing by watching me set boundaries. Im not here to please any human, im here to please my creator. Period. Never compromise your integrity. Love yourself.
If you boundaries are reasonable, you have a right to explain them
I find this comfortable at such situations I have right now
Thank You Thank You so much, God bless you♥️🌹
Wow, love this!
Ty lady .