What Causes A Narcissist To Abruptly Flip Out?
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- Опубліковано 2 чер 2024
- You can have stretches of time when narcissists are on decent behavior, but suddenly, BOOM, they flip out. What's that all about? Dr. Les Carter describes all sorts of triggers that can cause them to unload in you. Your task is to know what drives them so you won't get pulled into the predictable non-productive anger.
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Dr. Les Carter is a best selling author and therapist who has semi-retired to Waco, Tx. In the past 40+ years he has conducted more than 65,000 counseling sessions and many workshops and seminars. He specializes in anger management and narcissistic personality disorder.
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The hardest part is when you realize that the hope you had of this person changing and actually loving you back and respecting you, will never happen. It is purely a one sided love or transactional. Watch out for all the red flags of a narcissistic and run before it’s too late!
Yes, run. It never works out. They love our pain.
Oh my goodness yes! Our granddaughter who we have permanent, uncontested custody of from her toxic mom, often has moments where a big life event happening & her deep hope is THIS is the moment her mom will suddenly change! She hopes that her mom will finally be prompted to realize her mistake(s), decide to love and want her back and the whole household will have changed. That’s one of the hardest things we have to guide her through in our process of helping her regain her self worth & KNOW she is a wonderful girl who has so much to offer the world and she will never be rejected or abandoned by us.
Sadly, you just nailed the problem. For 35 years I thought if I loved him enough he would appreciate and love me back. You cannot love a narcissist into rational behavior. Now it's too late for me to change my situation.
its horrible when its a one way street. get out.
🤗
Thank you. I've just learned a very harsh reality. No matter how much you thought they were or want them to be, the narcissist will NEVER be your safe person. 😪
True! The sad thing is, for a very long time (years) into our relationship, I believed he was my “safe” person-the type who could assure your survival on a remote island. He was smart and so kind to me. But then the cracks started appearing in his veneer, and a few years after marriage, I fled my home in fear. I don’t think I’ll ever wrap my head around that whole experience, regardless of the many hours of narc “education” I’ve received from people like Dr. Carter. I don’t think I’ll ever totally trust someone again.
I Never feel safe around that person.
@@AdairCty Please don’t blame everyone for this ONE person’s betrayal. Yes, there are others who may betray you as well too, but thank God, not everyone is a narcissist. There are trustworthy people as well in this world. It just takes time to separate the wheat from the shaft so to speak. Wishing you better luck next time.
@@TJ77790 There is no “blame” being placed on “everyone”. I’ve learned the hard way that it is healthy, self protective and a necessary boundary to not give unilateral/unverified “trust”. One must always keep eyes and ears open and verify/investigate. Length of time knowing someone (I knew my ex narc for many years before marriage) is no guarantee that one really knows another person. A certain level of trust must be earned, not given freely-but even then, in these times we live in with so much duplicity, we must be vigilant in realizing that some people may be other than what they seem. They could be smiling at you one minute and, metaphorically speaking, have a knife in your back the next. The wise will keep that in mind.
Exactly! I will never trust my husband to make decisions for me if i should become very ill(sad isnt it?)
Saying "NO"
NOT giving them compliments when they are fishing for them.
Expose their nonsense.
Ignoring them.
Tell the truth about their lies (especially if you have proof).
Talk about something you did that they can't do.
Be your authentic self.
LOL ,Ignoring them😁💯✌🏿👍
MW: Yes. What is amazing to me is how mine wants to stay when I am doing all that you mentioned. He seems to think all this is normal.🤪
@@choosepeacetoday I'm at a slightly different place. mine says he wants me to stay yet everything he does when he thinks nobody is looking says he wants me gone (but all my stuff stays, of course.) It's like he has no clue how documentation and public-level records keeping works. 😆
Yes, yes, and yes!!
This is the most accurate list I’ve seen! I’d only add:
Disagreeing with any of their opinions (which they consider to be “facts” or “the truth”)
It could even be something as small as saying “blue is my favorite color” when orange is their favorite… that’s enough for them to fly into a rage & accuse you of lying because in their mind, orange is the best color & anything else is a personal attack and/or denial of “truth”🙄 Truly exhausting people.
My best guess would be: critisism of any kind or simply saying no. The narcissist has to be superior and in control. Another mistake is 'to be happy'. The narcissist can't stand that and will do their worst to take away all your joy.
Your Joy is their pain and your pain is their joy.
This is so accurate. I remember coming home in a good mood once - I had heard one of my favorite songs on the radio on my drive home, and walked in the door singing it aloud (something I *used* to do regularly!) and it instantly triggered interrogation/rage mode… “What are YOU so happy about”?! - followed by accusations of meeting/flirting with men at the grocery store… HOURS of this, all because I was singing 😳 truly baffling before learning about NPD!
A narcissistic partner is another reason why you (one) can never have nice things. They will be overcome with envy and, one way or another, deprive you of them. The phone, stolen and sent to her relative; the long-owned, expensive camera, dropped from a 12th floor window (survived); the cappuccino maker, smashed, dismembered, and every connection severed. You may be wondering... no, this is probably not 'just any' narc.
Your exactly right
I said " No "...December 29th, 2020. Calmly, quietly ..but " no." I ended up in the hospital --- head trauma & raped. Uncontrollable vaginally bleeding .. pressed charges,..he DENIED it ever happened, to the Police!! ... so they wouldn't press charges.
I looked him in the eye and said " You can deny it all you want; but 4 hours in the ER is documented; ..and we BOTH know what happened...
I left Dec.25th, 2021.
Free at last,.. So Free!!
One benefit of the explosion of information on narcissists I hope will be that people will wake up sooner to this dysfunction, quell their endless hope and optimism, and get OUT sooner. Tolerance and forebearance are not virtues in dealing with a narcissist. How much time do you want to waste? Because no one knows how much time is left in living; life is short.
Agreed.
Yes!💯 Get away from them and never look back.
So valuable. I spent 50 years of marriage trying to keep the peace. I had no idea this was a permanent disorder. Thank you.
Elke Love,You deserve better
I am also approaching the same marriage land mark and spent a lot of that time doing the same thing. Even though I still work and have hobbies(which he dosen't) it's getting harder to take without being angry I've wasted 3/4of my life on someone who has never put me first above his own emotional needs.
@@arleneclawson1407 I so feel for you. I left once before but stupidly went back to try again. The peace in my life now is unbelievable. I worked until age 75, supporting him for years, but I’m no longer responsible for his needs and wants now. But he is able to drag the divorce process out… Good luck, do try and leave, won’t you?
They're like Jekyll and Hyde, one minute they're nice to you and then they start getting mad for no reason
When you show them that they have no control over you and you are done being manipulated
Where I stand today🙌🏾🙌🏾🙌🏾with God's help!!
After living with one for almost 30 years and trying to analyze the reasons and whys behind his verbal abuse, I will say it sometimes comes down to they just want someone to abuse. Simple as that.
They are evil!
BINGO!!
They are Definitely EVIL!!!
@@lisafiveash3089 yes! Parasitic !
To put you down makes the narcissist feel higher. Pathetic, joyless persons are all narcissists.
when you set boundaries and call them out on their bs ...they react like a 5yr old and throw a tantrum !!
They use people as their own emotional punching bags!!!
YES! I made the mistake of accepting a proposal from my narc that we should share an apartment---he professed to not like living alone, and my living situation was about to evaporate so I said yes. I realized within a few weeks that he didn't want a housemate---he wanted someone he could reliably beat up several times a week. I'm simply not willing to shout that loud or escalate arguments to that level of vituperation, so he ALWAYS WON. What a pathetic sack of guts.
When you have an opinion that differs from theirs.
they need to be your god.
@Mary Carroll in many it is a generalized human condition that we outgrow through age and introspection. It begins as not feeling good enough, so we embark on a journey of creating the illusion that we are better than everyone. Dr Eric Berne in Games People Play lays it out, and more practically Harris in I'm OK You're OK turns it into a useful communication system called Transactional Analysis.
I was engaged to a malignant narc in the 80's when Harris's book drew my attention and averted a disaster about to happen.
Yes!!!
And theirs will ALWAYS differ from yours.
Yes, and more specifically, when. your opinion - or even question - poses a challenge to their own self-image/agenda/narrative. Just had this happen with a covert narcissist. They made a mountain out of thin air
One "NO" ended a 20 year friendship. The hyper reaction is very real.
Yeah. "no" is the most powerful magick word there is. It makes narc masks vanish instantly!
I'm sorry that happened to you, but happy that you're free of it.
@@NoMoreHeroesAnymore1334 I understand what you mean, and the hurt is real, and hard to heal from, but I've gained so much from the experience, I thank you for your empathy and kindness, I unfortunately had to go through this. I had to learn that I could not just give myself away to just any fool I met, that I had more value than that, it's given me so much perspective, so all-in-all that learning has brought me here today, and I'm okay with that.
The hardest part is trying to feel sorry for the fool that threw me away, and kicked me out of his darkness into the light of higher being.
It's ending a 12-year friendship for me. My heart goes out to you and I hope (selfishly) that you've found a way to come to terms with it.
@@silvercakes I am, but I still think about the stress that will bubble up if I bump into him because we are neighbors, and how I will handle it.
He doesn't make eye contact, but there's always that one choice exchange that will always go sideways, and it hasn't happened yet. I'm trying to avoid that possibility.
Don't even make a small critique on another's verbal reaction towards you. Even after a simple remark stating what you should do with your time while getting well with a medical layup.
If they sound authoritative, just ignore. Say ok, Yah yah... 😉 other people seem to think what suits them, will suit you too. 🥴
They flip out to intimidate you and be in control.
We can also ask: What Causes a Toddler to Flip Out? Anything and everything! These people are grown up toddlers who have never matured. Don’t let them have power over you. Imagine them in the bib and high chair throwing their pacifier across the room in a fit.
Good summary. Dr. C
Nice description 👍
Great image! 😂 I'd still take the toddler's tantrums every day over the narcs, lol. At least the toddlers have a reason to be that way- they haven't learned yet how to control self, and have pure, redeeming, sweet moments that I've yet to find in a narc. 🤦♀
Adult tantrums are very dangerous. People get killed from them quite often.
@@Yumicpcake absolutely.
My naricisstic mother not only ruined each and every holiday, she flipped out on my wedding, threw a major tantrum and destroyed the whole day. They can't stand it, when it's not about them and they can't see you happy.
Another thing is just when you think things are going well, you feel like you're on the same page, making a connection, having an understanding, and making sense, etc, and then out of no where, Bam! They're back to their loud and obnoxious behaviors, and every good thing that happened before goes out the window.
There's no such thing as being on the same page if they are invisible and their bags full of tricks
Exposed nonsense,
no peace exhausting
YES.... that's exactly what happens ...every time
Yep. Every. Single. Time! It would really shake me and dysregulate ME. I would just be so incredibly rattled and wonder WTF just happened.
I literally have counted sentences before the explosion. EVERY " conversation" ends in a fight. He loves to debate over anything...news, autos,, dogs,, whether it's snowing or not. Debate over anything, sometimes he will change sides mid debate & start on the other side! I usually just laugh, I have pointed it out.. Which made him more angry. No normal conversations ever. He says it's me but, I don't have this problem with anyone else.
@@cathyschwartz7026 OMG... SAMMMEE, THE DEBATING ISH IS SO EXHAUSTING. I TOLD HIM ONCE, WHY ASK ME QUESTIONS WHEN ONCE YOUVE ANSWERED YOU RAGE BECAUSE I DONT SHARE THE SAME OPINION... I TOLD HIM I THINK HE PROVOKES ME INTENTIONALLY.. HE WAS SUPER SILENT
I find it so relaxing to see Gus napping on the couch as Dr. Carter shares his infinite wisdom with us. 😊
Bless, love Gus😍
Lol .. I love that .. little Gus .. I go to the nearby dog park just to watch the dogs play and run. It’s the peace I find to escape the den of toxicity that is my current living arrangement . More permanent plan in progress
And also it's so lovely that he's being introduced by his name n_n
This ex-friend told me I was awful after I freely stated my political opinion in a professional and calm manner. She flipped out when I was uncomfortable with her request and said no. Caught her lies. She's happy whenever I have problems. Wouldn't come to visit me while I was recovering from a surgery because it was too far for her to drive. Due to anxiety, I had to leave. Took a long while to detox and come home to my real self.
Love to see Gus, makes me smile.
Me too. When I'm screwed up I look for Dr. Carter..hoping to first see Sweet Gus.
If they don’t feel they have upper hand they will escalate the insults, keep raising their voice, shaking their head, acting disgusted and you can see they are thinking what other crazy comments they can make about you and even verbally attacking family or friends. I was so disappointed to finally realize he was not my safe person he claimed to be, he would state his love but his actions did not support the declarations, threw me under the bus many times, never had my back. It was such an exhausting marriage so glad to be free of him. Thx Dr C.
Exactly! Their actions do not match their words.
Your one of the strong ones ! I am barely getting away after 3 decades of narc abuse. She has gotten worse since the kids are grown. For some stupid reason I believed we would get along better. Nope it’s worse . A narc mixed with any situation in which they can not totally control still equals a bad experience for the narcs victim. The only time she appeared to be happy is when we were on vacation or When I was spending money on her. Even the happiness was short lived !
@@utubeelvi thanks John, mine was 19 years, as you said thought it would get better after kids left nest as they frustrated him so much but did get worse, he was often upset about his job and co-workers, complained every day for years, finally had enough one day when he kicked dog, switch flipped i was done, been a great year of growing, healing, etc, best wishes to you.
@@elaineb9951 it’s incredible how they take your love and squeeze every bit of it out of your being. Then they feel as if they are Mohammed Ali standing over you when you are down. Guess what Narcissist we let you sucker punch us . Not any more. No more knock outs for the chicken shit narcissist!
Elaine B.....sounds like you and I were married to essentially the same type of guy. I'll never forgive my ex for not defending me to his nutjob family, especially when I needed unity the most.
I think they’re also addicted to the adrenaline rush they get off raging on people. Making the victim feel helpless during their fits, probably gives them like a power boost too their inflated egos and I say egos, because narcissists seem to have many different personalities in one person. It can be very scary to deal with an unhinged person like this.
It certainly baffled me, not knowing anything about narcissistc behaviours. At first it was just dismissive comments, then it morphed into ignoring emails and not picking up the phone when I rang. When she finally threw me out of her house in a screaming rage, I knew something was badly wrong. I went home and started researching personality disorders. That's when I found narcissism and your videos. A whole truckload of pennies dropped and everything became understandable. Why aren't we taught this at school? It would save so much heartache in later life.
I know you're gaining insights, Bev, and I deeply respect that. Dr. C
Living with a Narcissist is truly hell, suffering, no joy, the sky stays grey and the sun can never shine. You are their prisoner.
R U N !!!
The ultimate healing occurs when one loses one's fear, and is able to keep a clear head in the face of their irrationality, standing up for oneself without losing one's temper where it is required, and not bothering to reply when none is needed.
Actually, ultimate healing can really only come once you sever all ties. Then and only then, can you become the person you want to be: that alone will take the rest of your life if the narcissist was a direct family member, especially a parent.
It's very hard to develop new positive tapes in your mind to erase over all the constant overt and covert negativity the narc had with you.
The moment one has obtained a realistic perspective on them, a new positive tape begins and a healthy path starts. Trust in that path. Initially it is difficult but it gets easier with time.
Some narcs realise that you are afraid and they like that, so they harangue you over and over again.
I’ve had to deal with several physical flip out’s from narcissist’s.The look on their face is completely demonic and there is no doubt that I am in the presence of pure evil. It’s a horrible experience and to this day when someone stands or touches my shoulder from behind, I jump about a 6 inches off the ground. The PTSD it has caused me will be with me for decades if not my lifetime.
Agree. The trauma of the abuse lingers. It does lessen fore after 2.5 years no contact. Keep strong!
@Justice it is completely demonic. I am still recovering. 🙏 for your healing.
@@thrivingnow7395 it’s been a lifetime and it’s still not going anywhere soon. I’m happy for you though.
@@windysmith7367 Thank you, prayers for you a well. 🙏🏼
Some narcissists are damaged to the extreme and suffer from multiple personality disorder. I knew three of them[ I was really good supply in those days]. Some of their alters have blackness behind their eyes.
I went in for trauma therapy. ten sessions. feel pretty good now.
You can’t tell a narcissist ANYTHING without them getting insulted. Tell them the sky is blue…and if they actually listened to the full sentence..or didn’t start humming while you’re talking to show what you say isn’t important…they will argue about the sky.
Adjustments, criticism, difference of opinions,traffic, not being overly admired, being your true self, mishaps,etc all make narcs rage out
I find it very interesting to watch someone who has caused so much grief and pain to others.... once you detach they IMPLODE. Payback isn't fun
"What causes a narcissist to flip out?" Man, it doesn't take much! All they need to flip out is to feel threatened, and that happens on the regular. I grew up "walking on eggshells..." If I was/am "other" in any way, shape, or form...the narcissists flip out. So one learned to lay low and be as invisible as possible.
I have seen them search for a reason to rage because they are bored. So very sick!!!!!
That was my sister, 5 years older than me. It was like that my whole life. Lay low and be quiet.
Whether a possessive Territorial Co worker or insecure Husband -YIKES!
Stop talking about my life 😆
Try to be invisible but they still seek out any flaws you have only to put them in the spot light to embarrass you.
No matter how hard you try with the narcissist and how kind you are, she will always ultimately treat you badly.
The flip out is nothing short of the ways a 3yr old child reacts when they don't get their way. I thinks it's hilarious to watch a grown man act like this!!! I never laughed so hard until I witnessed this behavior. Of course, over time it has become an embarrassing moment when my husband flips out publicly. And to see outsider reaction helps to support more understanding to my situation. The saddest part is that he has absolutely no self control over his emotional outbursts.
You are accurate!
read in other channel on comments, someone suggest saying to a gaslighter/rager *"wow! i must be a horrible person; if i were you, i would NEVER talk to me again"* that works when they already *do not* give us the SILENT TREATMENT 🤣😆😂
I kinda used that to leave. He had called me abusive. So I was like, you shouldn't have me in your life if that's what you believe I am. He backtracked. Said he wouldn't want to be with me if I was really abusive. I didn't backtrack. I said that i Thought he meant what he said. So yes, we need to split up permanently.
Going through all of this. It hurts so bad to be on the receiving end of this. Bless all of you whose heart is broken because of people like this.
The pain, the heart rending PAIN they bring is unbearable. We have to accept the fact that they don't care and it's all your fault. They DON'T CARE!!!!
Hi Hazel! That was my granny’s name! 😆 it does hurt after a live together relationship of almost 12 years. I just moved back into my own apartment. Bc I do not want my boyfriend freaking out on me over silly stuff? I’m not going to make this seem worse.. he might have been stressed over his own stuff also so it spilled onto me. I just want to have my own 2 feet on the ground over this.
Just about anything.
Yoooo... */w\SLAYER/w\*
You described my ex boyfriend completely. He became angry with me for not responding when he was attempting to explain the Bible to me. He was visiting me. I was dog tired after holding vigils at the hospital. My sister was dying from metastatic breast cancer. I had been visiting both she and my mom everyday. My mom was in the nursing home recouping from multiple strokes and my sister was dying. My mom didn't know and my sister asked me not to tell her. I was so tired and hadn't been sleeping. He came over to let me get some sleep. The Lord told me to get him out of my house before he started an argument. I got a call and excused myself to answer. When I came back, he was watching a pastor on TV. I sat on the love seat and closed my eyes. He began explaining what the pastor was saying. He asked if I understood. I have been a Christian since I was 9 and had studied the Word for years. When I didn't respond to his regurgitations of what he thought the pastor's sermon meant, he then started ranting and raving and then said, "That's why you are by yourself. No one can tell you anything. You have the "American Dream, you have the house, the cars, the "good job" but you don't have a man!" I'm like where did this come from? I walked away from him then. I had excused his outbursts before and walked on egg shells to keep the peace but at my most vulnerable, he lashed out unprovoked and called me a "stupid b word". I was done. He tried to call and apologize but I had had it. He reached out after 17 years during the onset of the pandemic. His mom called first to feel me out and he called the next day. He made small talk then asked if we could go out as friends now that restaurants were opening. I told him, "No and to go on with his life and tell his mom not to call me for him." I blocked their numbers and then changed my number. His mom and sister were his "flying monkeys".
I am sorry that you did not have support when you needed it most and had to deal with your narcissistic attention seeking narcissistic boyfriend at the same time, but you should be proud of your strength and resolve to effectively deal with it and not let it happen again.
@@toshiespeaks2609 thank you so very much. That was the final straw for me. My sister's death nearly killed me and almost made me lose faith so his desperate need for attention was more than I could tolerate.
Good move! He sounded like a real loser. Sounds like he was jealous of you. You did the right thing. Men can really make your life hell. I just broke up with one and its so nice and peaceful now :)))
I am a certified family life educator who just discovered this gem of a channel. Your conversations on narcissistic disorder could not be more precise and is the best discovery I have made thus far into the new year.! Thank you so much!
When I was doing the bidding for the narcissist in my life (mother) I was called “my dependable and responsible child”. When I finally started saying No, I was all of the sudden an a$$hole and “just like your father”. The narcissists moods can change with the snap of your fingers.
Good for you for saying no!
😥
“This person will never be my safe person.” Wow. I wish I’d had it explained to my like that earlier.
It’s SO wrapped up in “dominance” that one can NEVER be anything more than groveling, subservient and miserable. Everything is perceived as a competition or one up. If you feel or do good that’s a dominance alert trigger and Not Okay. Rage 😤 can be used to try and bring you down into their comfort zone-below their level.
I asked him not to do something in my car, and he started questioning why. When I said it annoys me, boom! Finger pointing, attacks my character, tells me about myself, etc. Should have left his @$$ on the side of the road.
What causes an abrupt flip out? Anything, nothing, a sports loss, a sock on the floor, kid not wearing his hat, heat on too high, phone ringing, and on and on
Narcissistic rage is offense not defense.
They're not defending. They are fighting.
Once you get that it's game changer.
Before even listening I already can answer. They have plans. They want to stage a fight so they can go have their fun. In the meanwhile they want you to think it's all about something that you did wrong.
exactly!!!
you know what at 'save trump' your last sentence resonates. no wonder mine would make generalized statements but *never* backed up with *facts.*
supposedly smeared my name (if you will) to our surrounding neighbors, according to my spouse who said "oh they know *ALL ABOUT YOU"*
after moving into a new town and neighborhood, i would have to guess that my spouse warned them (neighbors) about me for *whatever!* reason. but told me [like you say] to make me think it is about something that i did wrong.
Mine would do it all the time,stage a fight to walk out and go to the bar!!!!or wherever!!
@@lifewithapurpose237 He was installing paranoia in you so you DONT get friendly with the neighbours. It isolates you. And gives him people to freely claim you're "crazy" and "paranoid" to. They are constantly creating narcissistic supply by claiming they are victimised by you, your mental health etc to people who become their protective flying monkeys if you ever get fed up with their silent covert degradations, slights or baiting. Don't be afraid to live in your own truth. Develop relationships with your neighbours on your own terms, don't ever take a lying, gaslighting narcs word for anything. The closer you circle toward their alternative supplies the more intense the gaslighting and degradation, silent treatment and abrupt harsh discarding will become. Whether that supply is someone they cheat on you with, or someone that validates and encourages them in their evil behaviours towards you. They protect their supplies.
Right on, Save! Took me 7 years to figure this one out. Ugh!
Spot-on, Dr C. Their sudden "flip-outs" explode from rage that is always so close to the surface. They have a constant seek-and-destroy mentality, responding with venom to the most innocuous conversation in a quest to regain control, especially once they know you are onto them. Thank you for your analysis which helps us understand why this occurs.
That is a great analogy that they are on a constant seek and destroy mission. So true.
It's absolute unhinged, irrational, violent rage.
I would like to point out that sometimes when narcissists "flip out" it's a calculated, *Shock & Awe*, terrorism style tactic to keep their victims under heel. (I know part of the time in the less aware narcs- it's simply the tension from emotional dysregulation building up, & being discharged at the favored/most convenient soft target around.)
Beautifully stated. You enlightened me just a little bit more.
Yes. I think they call that the narcissistic cycle of abuse. It goes on and on. I have decided he can play that game without me.
After awhile with my now ex-inlaws I noticed how my MIL kept her bf under control with her fits of temper, outbursts, obsessive need to be right and appear as the strong person in charge in any setting. He didn't care bec he was terrified of being alone yet again. You can only imagine how we as outsiders perceived this---with some of our choice (but of course very privately stated) comments about this weird, lopsided relationship.
Boy, did you hit home after you quoted that after a said fact, a person (me), found out what my husband at that time really felt about supporting me for a mere six weeks, so I could finish school. I finished that schooling, got a good job and got a divorce. During that six weeks, behind my back, I found out later, how he really felt, so mad, he wanted to shoot me. During that six weeks, he treated me like I was dirt, common practice. That was the last six weeks of our marriage. I have repeatedly, mention this since I have followed you for more than 3 years now. where were you when I needed you, when I was married. But, in your more recent videos, you are covering the lingering effects of these people that have damage-good and decent people that don't quit know how to adjust. Thank you Dr. Carter, you are a welcome person that the public needs.
@@conniebarrick8265 ....I've realized that what we truly need and/or want finds us when we're finally ready to receive it, but that it also requires us to meet it halfway.
First comes the assignment of blame, from the narcissist, then come the proclamations, then come the ultimatums -- THEN, it's over !
I hate it when people abruptly flip out.
My dad is a total malignant narcissist. He flips out over the stupidest things. I remember him nearly flipping a table over at me when I was a kid because I held a fork the wrong way. They truly are unpredictable
There's a flip-out incident I will never forget. It was the defining moment when I realized something was really pathological and broken in the relationship that needed my self analysis and insight. I was talking to this person, things were going well, no problems. We had a discussion, and I made a statement about something that was relatively matter of fact. The anger, contempt and flip was so out of proportion to what was said I was speechless. He brought up something from 25 years before as a hidden resentment that had never been resolved, a grudge, an injury as if it has just happened the day before! I was so shocked, I argued, defended and corrected. I was lied to, I knew it, he believed his own lie and went from there. I was devastated. What came out of that incident was the best thing ever over the next few months. Self-reflection, insight, help and information. All came together in the sharpest understanding of the relationship, my participation in it, what I could do to improve, recover and heal. It was terrible as an incident, but it was the bat over my head I needed to realize that this person was beyond my helping him, understanding his thinking, changing anything except myself and my perception. I needed to take care of myself. I went through the phases of healing. I had insight and understanding which allowed me to make huge shifts and changing in my thinking, behavior and life. That terrible night was the kickstart to a better life, and I didn't even know it. I came to complete acceptance of him as a person. I came to greater respect, positive self regard and growth as a person for me. Thanks for your videos. They always spark great thoughts, and you have been a person I have listened to for quite some time because you have offered ways of thinking and context I had not considered. Thank you.
"This person will NEVER be my safe person"... No truer words have ever been spoken! 😑
Flipping out can also be to bring attention to themselves, especially when the attention has been on someone else at the time. Just like a child throwing a tantrum.
Imagine how much wisdom that dog has heard
“If they can put the focus on you then that takes off the focus from them”. This should be written in solid gold!!!
Years ago, my college roommate flipped out on me in a crowded lobby of a building on campus. She wanted me to let her drug-fueled boyfriend borrow my car and I said “No.”. To begin with, it wasn’t my car in the first place, but my parents’ car, and they both had instructed me to not let anyone else drive it. She raved and ranted like her booty was on fire or something. Never was I so embarrassed in my life. In hindsight, I see now that she was just an entitled narcissist who used people for her own ends.
Good for you, standing your OWN GROUND and also respecting parents wishes. The power of the word NO
The word "no" can show you soooo much about someone. Amazing.
I told my narc that NO he couldn't borrow my car for a three week trip to Martha's Vineyard right before I was set to go abroad for the summer and would be running a lot of errands and visits in the run up to my trip. You would have thought I was cannibalizing babies. He didn't speak to me for the rest of the summer. Which was kind of a relief.
This is 100% accurate. They want you to be blind or at least pretend that you are blind.
I disagree in part with the idea that they want you to pretend to be blind. I found with the narcissists in my life that if you walk away, disregard, or ignore their temper fit they will escalate it to whatever extent is necessary to corner and attack you. This can include blocking your path, making accusations that you are making fun of them or don't care about their problem, grabbing you or objects you are holding, demanding that you answer them or answer some absurd question which is often posed as a "yes or no" but in fact is impossible to answer either way, demand that you fix whatever it is that they are raging about, regardless of whether it involves you in any way, threatening to punish or retaliate against you for your failure to fight with them or argue back. This of course is a classic double bind because even the slightest indication that you don't wholeheartedly agree is fuel for further attacks on you. Also, if you agree, they will claim to know that you don't really agree and seek to prove it as well as punish you for thinking whatever thoughts they believe you are thinking. They are indeed the self appointed Thought Police.
Even Dr. C's own pup 🐶 comes here for peace lol
A 'flip out' often catches you off guard. They like to overreact to your reaction to cause trouble and blame you on causing an argument. They like to have their 'fix', if you know what I mean. Thank-you Dr. C. for the different perspectives you put on things.
This!!! My ex narc would blow up over any little thing he could and take my reaction and exaggerate it and cause a big argument and then try to blame it on me. It’s my fault, I cause the drama, etc when I’m reality it was always him doing those things.
@@jessicayoung6208 that is so true!!
Ignore their flipping out and the violence comes.
Amanda: Yes.i have learned I must prepare myself for the flip out outbursts. I actually plan out what I will do if it happens at home, in the yard, in the car, etc. The car is the most challenging. I handle that by placing my earphones or earbuds in my ears and watch you tube. After he settles down , I request a restroom break . My restroom break is quite long. Long enough for me to return to a state of relaxation.🙂☮️
@@choosepeacetoday Love it!
Having a hard time reconciling how coverts can be so manipulative and clever while being impulsive about it at the same time.
The resident narcissist, where I used to work, on one occasion flipped out on a fellow worker who responded by saying “I have work to do, freak out on your own time” and walked away. The rest of us looked at the narcissist, then ignored him and went back to our own work. He left in silence.
Good response by all!!
They will never be your safe person
Someone pointed out one of their many lies, or suggested they are not perfect. The narcissist noticed someone else has a quality or ability they lack, and that triggers their shame. Life hasn’t conformed to their false reality... the list goes on
the two I am dealing with are putting their own retirements at an ever higher risk of being completely wiped out by their own actions.
It's like they can't see that everyone paying attention knows they are lying and those helping me are building an ever bigger stack of evidence against them for it.
@@mrsqueakthecat.8061 Oh yeah. 2 Sr. NAZI, Dimwit bros.
So obsessive, possessive and controlling.
The orig., BULLY didn't like that I, finally, had Boundaries. Goes Ballistic - then, Berserk!
I wasn't falling for his 'Triple Bind' B.S.!! ... Or, his "Shared Fantasy"!
Even the Grandiose 1 played such $tupid/ $illy & "childish" Games!
Petty, uncalled for and TL. Irrational; and with absolutely No purpose! 😱
It's soo freaK'n mind-NUMB'ng; the Idiocy, Absence and Absurd ity of it all!
Yet, how Dangerous, devious, delusional, damaging and just how depraved the Narcopathic ones are is Devastating.
I hit the "Terrible Triad," with 3 Narc sibs! ... The late, ULTRA Blue, HRC Clone - was just as GREEDY, $elfish, $elf-indulgent and Criminal, too.
But, she didn't consciously set out to Hurt and Harm others, intentionally*! Inadvertently, yep. - A Covert; Communal/ "Inverted" Narc!
A Food and $$$$$$>•VAC!
My ex Narcissist went absolutely berserk at the airport as we were sitting next to a kiosk that allows a person to print out your own luggage tags. Our check in desk had not opened yet so I started to print our luggage tags and all of a sudden HE WENT INSANE and started screaming “That’s their job leave it alone” totally irrational and stormed off like a 6 year old in a tantrum! I was absolutely shocked!
Best way to handle this crazy making if at all possible is to go completely NO CONTACT period! Best freedom you will EVER feel! It will take some time research, therapy and support but you WILL heal!
Doctor Carter, the hardest words that hit me throughout your whole video was when you said that he will never be your safe place. You are so, so right. My prayer is that one day I might have a safe place.
The narcissist I was with would flip out without having any real emotion about anything, just a method of traumatizing with rage to really kill my self esteem and sense of safety. Real loud violent yelling with a booming, ear spitting decibel level.
And you cannot even have a normal conversation with that kind of person because they don't have the right mindset of a human being.
Restaurant staff are a huge trigger for narc rages. I suspect it's because the narc assess these strangers as " beneath " them. It's horrifying to witness such a lack of humanity.
One thing that took me a while to notice is how dishonest narcs are. You know at first I thought they were just impulsive with anger issues. Then I would try to discuss with them their outbursts later, and they always turned the story around. It was so frustrating. So then I started documenting our arguments with emails and getting really specific, but he still would twist it around and tell a totally different story. Even with the documentation. So I thought does this guy just have a terrible memory or what? So then I started recording our arguments. Because that way he could not twist it around anymore, we would have the actual argument to refer to. And when I did that he got so pissed and scared he ran off. So it was deliberate the whole time.. I would recommend recording your narcs because technology is the only way to stop them. Make sure you announce it if your state requires it.
I began recording and when playing back our conversations I began to realize I need a divorce, immediately.
About recording : Yes , I have done that too, but he said " I don't remember saying that.." So , you see, he still does not have to admit he did wrong. I live with mine. I continue to record when I can, but only to provide clarity for myself on what was said. It is also a good way to monitor how I handled myself during the altercation. It helps with my healing, and sanity.🙂
I'm in that same boat except I haven't let them know that their insane claims they think nobody be me hear are being recorded and documented to be used as evidence against them later.
I've already called him out to his face about the open lies and held him accountable until he walked away only to find out a few days later he had made up a completely different story about what had happened but the remade story was so devoid of facts it was nothing to refute it on the spot.
Hahaha, you have just described the last ten years of my life. What a waste of time it was, all the effort & love & truth & beauty that is lavished on these characters. How it has eroded my confidence & stolen my energy! Dr. C. leads the way out, though, and I am committed to Team Healthy as I extricate myself from the Narcs. influence.
Recording is exactly what I do for my sanity (did I say it the way they said I did, or not?)
I keep record of where I go, what I do also because of a couple accusations of my 'flirting' with the guys at work.
A camera doesn't lie.
Just make sure you keep copies of your files on flash drive and if you can, a secure passkey-protected cloud service.
Then they can't del the files.
The only way to go is no contact. Sad when it's a family member, but you do what you have to do. No regrets.
Absolutely! No contact. I have read books about how to handle narcissistic family members. I was shocked and really angry when I read one writer giving advice of how to maintain a relationship with such a family member. I was angry because you will always stay victimized one way or another with a narc around, in your ear. That's not any sort of helpful advice any doctor or expert on this topic should give anyone looking for help!
And even when you sever all ties, it can take a lifetime to erase the negative tapes you have playing in your head from the narc, especially if they were your same sex parent!!
This is the way. Yes, sad, but it's less sad and harmful than the alternative.
No regrets.
I went no contact ten years ago, and life has been immeasurably better. I just got the news that my narc has croaked, and the feeling of relief that I will definitely never hear from him again is overwhelming
I have been married to a narcissist for 47 years. I have started to say no and it is not going very well. I have all I can stand and I am not going to stop now. I am my own person and I have rights.
They certainly do use 'rage' / loud outbursts to control others, thinking it will intimidate us. Sometimes it's a bluff, but it is still deeply disturbing / harmful behavior to move away from for good. Thank you for this great word, Dr. Carter.
@blairsy
Exactly right, friend. The word intimidation says it all. They intimidate as a way to beat you back into the box they want to contain you in because they really do not want a real, whole person in their lives. They want a foil--an extension of themselves to fill their inner void. I have had an overt and a covert use intimidation against me. With the covert, I always backed down bc he was the father of my kids and I was not financially able to get away. Got away after 35 years. The overt, who I dated last year, he pulled one act of intimidation on me and I disappeared from his life. He did not see that coming! Booyah!
Mine is scary. He’s choked me a bunch, which is the biggest red flag for murdering your spouse when they try to leave. It’s hard to wrap my head around the picture his behaviour towards me creates, but I really need to look at it all, because it could get ugly for real. It has before, more than once or twice. So, people, please be aware that your moves around this kind of person can most definitely cause them to want to harm you if you hurt them the right way. Be careful, and I should take my own advice. I moved out but we have a son, I’m trying to allow him room for therapy or psychiatric help, which he has started now. The problem is he wants more of my time and really the once a week with our son is all I can do, because I’m so livid with him, I can’t be close like that again right now. Maybe after some time to grow but it’s only been a month. He’s getting mad that it’s only once a week and I don’t want to hang out on the phone all day. What would be the point of me leaving if we’re still together all the time? I’m just at the end of my rope, trying to allow him to change enough to not be a total asshole, but he doesn’t get why I don’t want to get all teenager lovey dovey with him all the time. It’s for show I think. Deep down he’s just trying to suck me back in by being so lost without me. He knows how to pull my strings. Well he used to. Now I think he’s lying all the time so I’m not so easily moved. He hates it. And hates he can’t control me anymore. I think I need trip to the 2a store… or the taser store…
I fully agree. The loud rages are more than I can handle. It’s disturbing and emotionally crushing.
@@upstatenewyork I stood up to the narc in my life and have a permanent dent in the back of my skull. He slammed me to the ground and I hit my head. He knocked me completely unconscious. He had not one ounce of remorse for it! He has surgery this week and I sincerely hope he throws a clot!!!!
Iit is called narcissist rage. Google it. An unbelievable level of rage over very little, or nothing at all.
Around Narcs you are constantly walking on egg shells and in a constant 'cold war' mode and also depending on the Narc type it can blow over into full scale war. It felt like anything can trigger a reaction and you get a nasty toxic 'vibe' from them majority of the time, trust your inner instinct. This is how I came to view these individuals.
You'll never be free from the narcissists grip until you finally realize the fact that you are not having a real conversation with an adult human. It seems real, but it isn't. The only way to win this game is to stop playing.
They want you to flip out back, too. They eat it up. It's the best supply you can give them. You can watch their faces light up when you give that to them. The best reply, as you said, is, "whatever".
While we grow up assuming that everyone has similar empathy as we do, does the narcissist assume that their peers are also narcissistic? If not, they must embrace their differences early on. They must be aware that they represent a small percentage of people, but they see it as a better way as opposed to being vulnerable in any way.
The paranoia is insane & can pop up at the weirdest times… very hurtful & scarey!
It was my older sister, I grew up walking on eggshells to not “set her off”. A heck of a childhood.
Very wise words! For those that think “it’s okay, it’s just words, I can handle it”, don’t. The “flip out” can absolutely turn violent in the blink of an eye. I caught my ex cheating, and very calmly and respectfully asked for his explanation (I was still in denial at that moment) and he flipped out by going into a rage and SA’ing me right then and there, violently.
Narcs are so dangerous.
Thank you for this video. I was married to a narcissist for 6 years. A couple of times he flipped out and I had no idea what was going on. The last time he flipped out he strangled me…came up behind me and put a bag over my head. He stopped when I started losing consciousness. I left and never looked back. I never understood his behavior. This video helped a lot to know the “flip out” is part of their behavior. Thanks Dr. C.
That sounds horrifying. I am so glad you are safe and managed to get out! That is a major accomplishment. Wishing you healing
I would say that was extreme, and maybe he had worse problems than narcissism.
@@Hatbox948 yes he did…I only found out after seeing a psychologist for two years.
I have to keep reminding myself - this is not about me, it's just the way he is. These lessons are incredibly helpful!!
They are convinced that they are above you, and anything that contradicts that, even being an equal peer has them feel threatened.
Once they know you’ve seen their true essence, they figure it’s about over, and will ramp up abuse.
Once that insane pressure valve is opened on you, which has all their frustrations, they will continue to use you as that freak out target.
They feel threatened because they know we've figured out "her" game plan & won't play the game...its interesting that one person may stand up to the narcissist in "the family" while the others tend to shake and cave to this bulling behavior.
This is a constant for me with my narc. I feel like I have to always be ready to deal with a freak out. Doesn't matter if it's the middle of the night or first thing in the morning or if I'm sick, he's gonna do it anyway. I even point it out to him when he does it. I tell him not to lose his head and to get control of his emotions which I'm realizing angers him more. When you live w/someone who does this, you can't truly relax around that person. It's even affected my sleep.
So very sorry you are dealing with this. They are consistently inconsistent. The covert narcissist i deal with (separated five years now) sweetly told me to “let him know when he’s doing this because he ‘honestly’ was not aware he was doing it and if he’s made aware then he will understand better how to stop doing it.” Did i believe him? Yup. And just like you mentioned- the narcissist i deal with got worse every time i pointed it out (like he asked) regardless of how calmly i pointed it out to him. I hope you are able to break free, love. You deserve to feel butterflies when you’re nervous,l instead of the creepy crawler kind of nerves!
Absolutely! My cortisol levels were probably through the roof my whole childhood and youth!
It makes your body and soul sick. Cause you are c8nstantly in fight or flight mode. Terrible.
It's like living with someone with a grenade in their pocket.
@@AlwaysStampinVideos Thank you so much for your sweet words. You're always kind and supportive here! I hope I can know happiness again too. It's always inspiring to hear survival stories🤍
I perceived that my X-husband would just built up tension and I was the closest, safe, target without view of the public eye of his rage. He just came out from under the carpet unexpectently many times. One day, for example, he came home for lunch, which he had never done, and it was the first time I had all 4 kids in school. I went into a deep clean of the house, the wood was oiled, the windows cleansed, the bathroom, bedrooms, floor...and I was cleaning out the frig when I placed a hard-boiled egg into the dog dish, when he walked in the back door, and the dog gobbling down the egg dropped a piece of egg on the floor. He was so angry that he lost his vision....beam me up Scotty! I was just teflon. Not my anger; not my fight. The next time he came home after work and the house was clean, the kids were upstairs watching TV, dinner was ready, and I took a little break to read from a book. He tried to entice me into a fight; again, not my anger. Then, since no one was watching, he repeatedly tried to suffocate me, My marriage was over; but I played stupid. The next morning, I drove the kids to school, like all was normal, he went to work, and I then took the kids out of school to a safe house, called the police and had him arrested. The battle was now public and now he was in full war gear. The worst was just starting. I do not regret my actions but there is no answer with a narcissist. I am free; that is what matters. But, life is still hell with a narcistist and shared children. It has been 20 years since the divorce and he is still seeking to split me from all my relationships. It is hell.
My daughter has a narc aunt and her daughters .The grandmother too. They are ghosting her now for no reason.Very jealous of people.
they cause a dramatic scene then blame you for it.
And then, after the flip-out, forget that they even flipped out on you. Or say that I cant be responsible for the past, we have to focus on right now
"When people show you who they are, believe them." -- Maya Angelou
My dad came home from a lengthy hospital stay after surgery for a brain tumor, my mother (narcissist) had a pseudo heart attack which she ended up in ICU, come to find out, she didn't have a heart attack. I drove back home to NM to go back to work. Got a call that night from my dad who couldn't speak very well or walk very well at this point to tell me he was home by himself, jumped in the car, drove straight back from NM to OK. When I got back a sweet neighbor had come over to help him until I arrived. I was sitting with him and asked him, dad why have you stayed with her for 46 years. He said I just walked on eggshells and have since about a year after we were married. Can you imagine having to live day in and day out for 46 years with a covert narcissist. What a life, walking on eggshells to keep the peace. I stayed to take care of mother dearest because she was just too ill, she said to do anything, and dad. I found a hotel through the American Cancer Society for them to stay at while dad received treatments, crazy mother went one day and said oh we can't stay there, it is horrible. It was not horrible it was a very nice hotel across the street from the hospital. So I drove my dad back and forth to radiation an hour each way because mother didn't want to do it. If she did go she would sleep in the back seat, then when we arrived she put on her show for all to see, that she was a loving and caring wife, she would talk non-stop about herself and her painting abilities and her boyfriends when she was a young girl. Not once giving a crap about why we were there. Then as soon as we got back into the car to go home, she would lay back down and go to sleep. Most of the time when we were all at their home she would go shopping because she was stressed and needed to get out of the house. So I became my dad's caregiver for 5 months until he passed away. It was just too much for her. I am a Respiratory Therapist, she said " well you know all about this so you can take care of him."
My dad was on a very large dose of steroids for his brain swelling, his glucose levels shot up to the 500's. Mother couldn't be bothered calling the Dr. for insulin, so I ran to get the script and meds, there was a problem with the insurance and medicare, so I paid for it with a check my dad had given me and she screamed at me, well we will never get that money back, how stupid are you? After his radiation treatment I would take him for a shake from braums on the last day of the week. Mother would yell at me, he doesn't need that, it's not good for him. My dad had an aggressive multi-form glioblastoma, he wasn't going to survive. He was given 6 months to live. I told mother I don't think a sugar-free shake is going to hurt him once a week. I asked if we could have their attorney come to the home and do his will, she refused. She wanted control of everything. When my dad died he left my mother a nice nest-egg, which she has blown through. She thinks nothing of spending money and literally throws it away and she is now having money problems. My husband and I moved back from NM to take care of her and the land she lives on. We were supposed to get the parcel we put a home on deeded to us, that never happened. So we live on a piece of land with no claim to it what-so-ever. She threatens us with moving every time she gets mad at me about whatever she derives as an affront. She berated my husband for so many years he finally throw his hands up and said no more helping her, ever. She asked me to take her to her Dr. visits which is weekly and bemoans her sad situation and finances the whole time, then when the Dr. ask her questions and she doesn't remember or doesn't want to give him any information about the numerous surgeries she has had, I step in and she says you don't need to speak for me and I don't need you to take me to my Dr.'s appt's. Her pcp said don't drive anymore. So what does she do, gets in her car and drives everywhere. She can't see very well and she is mostly deaf even with hearing aids. It's never ending. All I can say is run for the hills and don't look back if you are dealing with a narcissist, they will suck your soul dry and go on to the next person when you are gone. You cannot help them!
From my experience one of the tough things about having a narcissist choose you as their adversary is that onlookers think that they are observing two people that are not getting along. In actual fact the situation is really a domineering bully and their victim.
The victim is getting dragged into a competition (read war) they don't want to participate in. It's all so destructive and scarring. Your dead to rights accurate Doc if you say no or block their efforts they will go for the jugular and you are just collateral damage they don't give a damn about you. I'm so glad your site popped up in my feed certainly time well spent. (🐕I can see how Gus is a major asset. I'm guessing he chases away narcissists in his sleep! That's a good lad!)
I once said to my covert narc ex "Why are you acting weird?" Well then she just flipped out, screaming "I DONT ACT". Well I was shocked. I think her reaction was so defensive and angry because I was too near the truth - ie, her being scared I would realize that the whole persona is just an act.
What makes a narcissist flip out? The truth. They aren't more entitled, more wealthy, more loved, more intelligent, etc. than all others.
I remember it going along well for a week or so, then the electricity bill arrived. I looked at it and said some expletive. Next he d marched into his room and I got another dose of the silent treatment for a week.
I was always apologising and not knowing for what, just to recapture the peace. Five years divorced now and life is simple, peaceful and wonderful. Just me and my dog.
My mom use to be the target of the narcissist. After she died I became the target. It really shocked me. I tried to make sense of it all. Impossible to make sense of nonsense.
This channel has been such a tremendous help in understanding narcissists and what to do and not do. Thank you for the help.
He goes off on me while he is driving and I can't escape!
Narcissistic people are conditional. They are with you as long as you are skipping to the beat of their drum. If you dare to give them constructive criticism they will lash out and even become revengeful. Revenge can be anything from withholding things that they usually do for you and treating you poorly. It's their way of punishing you.
They are dishonest, yes, but often they are the most vociferous self-righteous preachers in the room.
This video came at an absolutely perfect time for me. My covert narcissist has barely spoken to me all day - very passive aggressive, brooding, looking past me, only speaking to our teenager at dinner and not to me... for all the reasons you just listed. I am consistently applying what I have learned from Dr. Carter and the results are fascinating and empowering. Thank you so much!
Gray rock is so helpful when you can't get away!
Get out of that, trust me. Thataking you look inferior at dinner and ghosting you, will teach your child very bad habits on how they treat others. I spent 28 years and it was a total waste of my time. More hurt will come, the longer you stay. It hurts bad if you love them, but every hurt is a lesson and you will be fine. Don't waste your life.
My elderly (ex)narc husband and I attended a program at a prestigious college where the Masters of Accounting students would do our income taxes for free. Our taxes were very difficult since we'd bought and sold a house, and also the previous years' taxes needed to be amended. The student assigned to help us worked feverishly, consulting off and on with his supervisors on the more difficult aspects of our very complicated tax issues. Finally after six hours of painstaking effort he presented us with the forms to sign...and my husband became irate and flipped out because he didn't agree with the numbers. I stood there shocked as he yelled and threatened the student, "I'm going to file a complaint against you!!" The student said, "you can't file a complaint, I'm volunteering". My husband stormed out of the building yelling and cussing. Later when he calmed down I tried to talk to him about his behavior and he totally denied having a fit or raising his voice. Didn't happen.
When mine would go 3 months without "flipping out," he'd be SO proud of himself. I always wanted to say. I've gone 3 years....
But heck NO, don't set off an explosion.