Navigation through the video: 1:00 #1 What does your gut tell you? 3:48 #2 Whats your therapist's opionion on psychiatric drugs? 7:30 #3 What's your therapist's opinion on psychiatric diagnosis? 10:00 #4 How do they work with someone who is suicidal? 14:35 #5 Does your therapist recognize the traumatic roots of your life problems? 17:20 #6 Do you feel your therapist understands you? 19:10 #7 Do you feel your therapist loves you? 22:52 #8 How does your therapist deal with being personally challenged? 29:00 #9 Is your therapist a radical person? 33:42 #10 How much does your therapist charge? 37:42 #11 What is your therapist's opinion on forgiving parents? 41:40 #12 Does your therapist have children?
even if i sound like a lunatic ... i made friends on youtube ... i call them soulmates .... and they can be very good friends to me without knowing me ;-) making friends to me is a creative and and an imaginative process. (sorry, if this doesn't really sound like proper english - but i am sure the world understands ;-)
After many bad, sometimes shockingly awful therapists, I'm happy to have my current one. She supports me being med free, and is - skeptical of certain aspects of the mental health system, on my side genuinely, open to reconsidering points of view, and actually wants to understand and listen to me. I don't feel like she wants to control me, but wants to help me empower myself.
@@gingerisevil02 I agree. I feel like most therapists cause more harm than good. Partly because they deep down just don't care about the people they treat. They just want to pay the bills
I had a great therapist. I knew when I walked in the door and smelled inscense. He gave me books to read, so I could help myself. I love that therapist, so thankful. It changed my life. I still read books about depression. Yeah, I still have dark days, but they are few. I now have skills to help myself.
I had one like that. After about two years he told me of a book on CBT, I bought it, went home and read it, and called him up and told him I didn’t need to see him anymore. I could cure myself.
I love this man’s frank honesty. There’s no jargon, airy fairy crap, he just says it how it is. He’s an inspiration. Thanks so much for sharing this video with us. Greetings from Ireland 🇮🇪
Vulnerability can attract unethical behavior. Therapists often don't admit to the power imbalance in their practice. There are also a lot of just plain lazy, bad, burned out people in the profession.
yes, i saw myself heading toward burnout and it was good for me to walk away and regain my bearings. but i've seen a lot of therapists who burn out and just buckle down and keep working....or just take on richer, easier clients who are less stressful....or who just live and work more in a pose so they're not as vulnerable.... not fun or healthy!
Sweet Pea: They can burn out by destructive thinking and living habits of their own.They go into a role as therapists, which is right, but which also poses great responsibility on them top be self-disciplined in taking care of themselves well.
Maybe people like you should train therapists..once i had that called me fat. I was mildly heavy being on a med for a medical issue. Not psychaiatric..she was no skinny gal herself..i told her i was not stuffing my face..which she thought i was..shed laugh at me too saying that would never happen to her or her loved ones..hurtful ..my gut and a family friend said get away from there..she denied her actions..left quietly..went to a better practice..this family friend ..believes therapists therapists should do case by case..not a cookie cutter approach like too many therapists i hear of from others and hace seen..seems meds and hospitals are a ladt resort..2 way relationships..to some degree would work better..and id see one more than once a week if i could..2 to 3 weeks was never enough
This video hits many truths I've learned after year's of going to different therapists. I can spot a bad therapist but wish I hadn't learned the hard way. This video would have shaved years off the learning curve. Thanks for posting Daniel. Looks like you've done a lot of personal therapy and not just been a therapist. You see things from a client's view quite well in this video. Very refreshing to see both sides of the couch, so to speak.
It boggles my mind how therapists dont understand Narcissistic Abuse. It isn't covered in the curriculum and that's really very sad, not to mention aggravating as hell.
trip_13678 Right!? My last therapist outright dismissed me when talking about my narcissistic mother and said I was having a countertransference. That was the last time I been to therapy. I hope one day people will be taken seriously with narcissistic abuse.
@Lara Miriam yeah I experienced it too. I felt I should have been refunded (and with interest) by my narcissistic therapists for wasting my time, money AND for trusting them.
Oh yes. My Narc (NPD) husband took me to couples therapy and his condition was ignored, despite me telling him that my husband is prob NPD. Yet my husband manipulated and fooled this rather inexperienced therapist, so I ended up doubly abused. This is even after I came in and showed a bruised on my arm. Terrible experience!
Hey there Lone Sailor! Thank Goodness my NPD spouse decided on the ultimate discard: leaving me and the marriage. I’ve refused to put any more energy into my NPD spouse, already lost 20 years. Although a bit jarring after 20 years of marriage and 3 teens, worrying about finances, I’m still so relieved and frankly thrilled that he’ll move out and I can have a better calmer life. Awesome! So glad he initiated it, so less likely to be vindictive, but yes no guarantee. As these creatures can do terrible things. Still I’m very optimistic for my future. And yes I LOVE myself.
also when a therapist is a parent they identify w/ the parent and thats why many times they push all this "u must forgive your parents" mumbo jumbo on us. they feel like if u criticize your own parent, u are criticizing ALL parents an by extension themselves
corsican lulu i disrespectfully disagree with you. Buddhist tradition urges people to make peace with their parents, which is not the same as forgiving the unforgivable. Judeo-Christian tradition extensively documents the perils of not honoring your parents. A good therapist is self-aware enough to see when there is countertransference going on, and that’s an easy one to pick up on as most parents get defensive when their parenting skills are questioned. Life is easier when you forgive your parents, that’s all. Resentment is a heavy burden to carry and it impedes healing. There’s a lot of healthier alternatives to crappy parents than defooing.
Forgiving ones parents can literally kill a patient with excessively narcissistic parents. Why should all parents be as good as the therapist might be, as a parent? Distinctions between parents can be drawn. Most parents find some way to point out the misstakes in parenting-styles in other families, or to even look down on sh*tty parents. Why should they stop doing that, with regards to a patient's parents?
Because you should never tell a client that their parents, husband, wife, children, friend, etc. suck. (Hopefully you'd use more appropriate language than me). That's not growth-promoting and it sets the perfect stage for splitting.
Yup! There is benign and malevolent paternalism. Psychotherapists, have turned glib and malevolent mostly. When I exactly asked my last psychotherapist the questions in Daniel Macklers checklist, she not only didn't give me a straight answer but threw all those questions back at me. It was automatical deflection without any of her self-reflection. The last question I asked her was: "What's your opinion about suicide, not that I want to commit suicide." She kicked it back: "Why don't you want to commit suicide?" It was in an automatic gainsaying way that this therapist asked one of her clients, me, to commit suicide. I'm not kidding. I weaseled out of her question by telling her that this was a too private question. In hindsight I find it funny. A psychotherapist who's asking her clients to commit suicide is committing her own professional suicide. It's like in this joke: My psychotherapist had died. Why? Because he had lost all of his patience.
You just made me feel more healthy and normal. I always said I don't want to bring children into this messed up world and now at 27, people look at me like "You're nuts. You'll regret it, you'll change your mind..."
Your experience as a therapist, the reason you pulled out after ten years and the insight you have as to what makes a good therapist, all mirror my own experience and thoughts as an MFT. I'm so grateful to you for making your wonderfully open and honest videos! You touched on areas of the profession rarely if never talked about with fellow therapists. Thank you!!!
I love the way you think. As a fellow counselor in the mental health field. I think it’s bizarre how they diagnose life’s struggles and the solution is always meds. I would love to start my own organization that is just based on collective understanding, experience, and love to help others heal in a society where I see everybody as “mentally ill”
My dad has started to do some community support work since I was really young. Part of his job is talk to some vulnerable people and help them solve some personal issues (a little bit like what a therapist does). However, inside our home he once slit my mother's throat with a piece of sharp glass simply because my mother had said some strong swear words to him, yet he kept telling me and my twin brother to learn to forgive others when they have harmed us. Till today, seeing or hearing the word "forgive" still grosses me out. To me, how pretentious and disgusting it is for a person to preach " forgiveness" on moral high ground.
I engaged in therapy with a single therapist about 20 years ago. She was a fantastic therapist, we got a tonne of work done in the couple of years I worked with her. I am going back into therapy with someone else due to a suicide in my family and the grief and other feelings that has brought up. I am filled with trepidation, not because of the work, but the process of formulating the relationship with the therapist. I am very much in agreement that not all therapists are created equally and many are plain shit.
You really hit the nail on the head with your description of what makes a good therapist. Nice to know there are caring therapists in the profession such as yourself. I’m sad for clients that you are no longer a practicing therapist, but am glad that you are doing what is right for you.
Thank you for explaining why being a therapist isn't easy. I think many people have a false impression that all we do is sit and listen. The reality is, it's a much more active process and it takes a lot of deep thinking. Are all therapists this way? No. Many push for band aids to alleviate today's problems, but is temporary relief of symptoms the best? It may be, but it's up to the client's discretion. I am the rudder of the boat, the client is the motor. I aim while they control the speed and focus on the horizon. Thank you for touching on some topics that most therapists are unwilling to explore.
I really appreciate you comment and I couldn't agree more!! I loved your ship analogy. We truly are a guide and support for clients. There truly is a lot of misconceptions out there especially that all we do is sit there and listen.
I was skeptical. I was nearly 60 and had N parents still affecting me. Nobody had ever got it. Once a week and nearly 6 years later I feel resilient and happier, it helped me release emotional shackles and find 'me'. I seemed to deconstruct and build up again. What you say was very good Daniel.I was lucky to find someone like this.I hope others find good help too.
Wow, I stumbled on this accidentally. I was sexually abused by a therapist for years. He did indeed think he was a guru. The next one, years later, did not care about what my day to day life was like, just wanted to hear about my childhood abuse, and kind of got off on it. It happens more than most people want to admit, especially therapists. The moment I redirected the conversation to what I was struggling with daily at the time, he cut me loose. I am done forever with therapy. I have done more healing on my own than decades of therapy did for me. There is a huge difference between caring about a client and grooming the client. Thank you for telling the truth!
Same thing happened to me when I was 16 and very vulnerable. Twenty years later, I had a great therapist and it kind of resolved the previous experience because it was so positive.
So very sorry that you experienced this with a therapist,,,I had an extremely close call when I was younger,,,I am a woman and it was a woman therapist. Really bad boundaries! Healing and health to each of you!
I've been a UK therapist for 12 years, and I couldn't agree more with you Daniel about the mental health systems peddling of "diagnosis = drugs". When a client tells me "I'm here because my doc says I have depression" I say "ok, but what do YOU think you might have?". They look at me blank, then we start the journey into my client exploring their own understanding of what is causing their suffering and not a label a doctor has given them. I recall one lovely lady saying to me a little way into her sessions, "I've not got depression at all, I've just forgotten how to love muself in a media driven world that is geared towards making it easy for me to dislike almost every aspect of me". Keep on with the videos Daniel. Xx
I don't fully agree with all of these but some of them are sooo prevalent in the therapists I considered bad and had to leave ultimately. Specially the undertands you part, where I had a therapist that quite literally made up in his mind a person completely different from who I was and no matter how much I tried telling him it was wrong he would not listen to me. Also the challenging part - I cannot tell you how bothered I get when a therapist seems to have less emotional regulation than me
This is GREAT stuff! Question #8 brought back memories of many, many years ago (in the 80s), when I was having weekly sessions with a psycho-analyst. Old school, "Freudian" style (me lying on a couch, looking at the ceiling, while my analyst sat behind me, writing feverishly in a steno pad)... At our first session, she gave me an overview of the kind of work we'd be doing together, and it involved 5 areas of focus, in no particular priority or order: 1. Current events 2. Dreams 3. My sex life 4. Childhood memories 5. Criticism of her, my therapist. She explained that, if I were to truly own my sessions, I should have the right to critique her work. I really never had any criticism of her, so I never got around to that 5th category. One day she asked, "Before we end our session today, is there any criticism you have for me? Anything you're not getting from me and these sessions?" Honestly, I had nothing for her. She was very special and great at what she did!
I love most of what you say - particularly about being a radical therapist, which I believe I am. I do fall out with you about the bit about being a parent. While I see that this may be true for some parents - it is certainly not true of all parents. For me, being a parent has been the most growth inducing part of my life and this has given me the ability to hold space for client's in a way I personally wouldn't have been able to otherwise. I am not suggesting that is true for everyone, but it is for me. I thought long and hard before bringing children into this crazy world and decided that some people who are conscious needed to - I have two wonderful empathetic conscious teens now. My personal experience in therapy is that those therapists who weren't parents, were less good - again that is just my experience and not necessarily true for all... Also, some parents of young children may have amazing support networks and so the usual cost of parenting little ones is more spread.
Psychotherapy in the UK (NHS) is dismal. For one, getting an initial referral is difficult, then the waiting time is often three months (if you're lucky) more usually six months or longer. I gave up on state funded help and took it upon myself to find a private therapist and I'm really pleased i did. What is worrying though is a lot of people do not have the money or the motivation to do this. The therapist i work with took my whole situation including income into account and met me half way. I'm now doing so much better. But my first experiences of NHS based therapy was truly dangerous, she did more harm than good, but, that experience made me determined to find someone who could work with me so for that i thank her though i worry for the vulnerable people that end up in her room.
I agree the NHS just puts you on the CBT course did that online was a complete waste of time didn't learn anything I didn't already know or tried. Docs didn't really care just wrote out script for meds and that was it no talk of side effects took them for a week was way way worse then not taking them so stopped,no follow up at all from the doc, CBT counciller didn't even read the feed back I was sending about the course not being useful for what was going on. So I just searched for a counciller took about 10 emails all booked up for 8 months. Finally found someone who is good so far she had been in a major car accident and had to put her life back together and has no kids so looks like she ticks some of the boxes!
thank you for sharing about NHS, the places where medical or psychiatric care is not state -run - well IMO I feel that people do not understand fully the choices they have, and, often more costly, at least the quality of care is better.
What you write of your experience pretty much mirrors mine..I'm from Ireland and the public mental health system is possibly even worse..the waiting time is so long they can't even give you any kind of estimate of it.. then getting a good therapist at the end of the wait is a bit like winning in a lottery..the odds just aren't good
This has got to be one of the most informative and genuine you tube videos I’ve sighted to date. And I don’t watch tv, instead I you tube so that’s saying a lot. Thank you Daniel, I’m most grateful to have had the opportunity to learn from you. Thank you for the energy you have put into these videos. I’m also grateful that this information is free.
So great, thank you. I'm a therapist in the UK. Watching your video has validated completely everything I believe about therapy as well as my misgivings about the field.
The last point is spot on and not so many people are willing to address that people who CHOSE to bring children into this world are less conscious than those who chose not to. A therapist with kids is blocked from their own path of growth because they need to focus on their kids'. Daniel you're a revolution
I noticed a few years ago that quite a few of my favorite authors were ones who had stopped writing after a while, or who had stopped for a while during their writing years, and I see this might apply to therapists, too!
That is the first utterly intelligent comment I have ever read on UA-cam. If you're out there, I would love to continue the dialogue with you. maxalberts2003@yahoo.com. Again, you're probably not on YT for a reason.
On suicide (question 4): on occasion, the very starting of a new relationship, this time around with one’s therapist, is what facilitates a finalization and pushes the ‘patient’ over the edge. A person with intent to end it all is simultaneously looking for reasons to stay alive and being exhausted by the effort. Once the therapist offers them the chance to turn a new leaf, they may feel relieved at first, but then they feel utterly overwhelmed by the prospect. Clinging to life suddenly becomes harder than giving in to the call of death.
I get a kick out of your discourse.Real good point on the safe place for a client to challenge the counselor. Most counselors balk when they get out of their comfort zone.I like the way you call bullshit on the system.It should always be about healing.I wonder if my oversight agency will accept your videos as my clinical supervision requirement. Definitely going to point my staff this way.Thanks for staying in the bizz in this way.
Lots of good thoughts. I always felt I was paying someone to like me. I didn't feel my therapist loved me. I feel very betrayed and let down by the mental health community.
Yoy are so helpfull. If i have hesrd my inside voice i would not be in the position i am now. I have been crashed and traumatised and controled by therapists. I have changed a lot of them. None was good. Now i know. A good therapist must teach you to trust yourself. Must learn you to hear your selffrom the beginning. It is something that traumatized people have not got. Eveything you say it is so true and so helpfull. Dont stop maje these video.
I had a therapist for years. We had a very rocky start, followed by very smooth sailing for many of years. Eventually he became emotionally involved in my healing process and that complicated the process again considerably. So there were a few more rocky months and right at the end, during the last couple of weeks, I got to my destination by myself where I found all my answers / processed the bad emotions about the past. I don't claim to be a perfect person now. We know deep down when we have all the answers we were looking for and I got mine, that's all. I always wondered whether he was any good at being a therapist because he was all I knew as far as my experience with therapists went. Honestly, when I started therapy I expected every therapist had their own issues and I knew it would have to be managed on top of my own. So I stayed loyal to one therapist through the good and the bad. I don't regret it. I asked my therapist once about his view about himself and he believes he's an excellent therapist. When he sensed it was all coming to an end in our relationship he commented that we made a good match. We were a good match. I never would have achieved my goals without his help. Yet I always had moments when I doubted his contribution to my development. The change I experienced in my feelings about him was a good sign; a sign that it was an emotional process right till the very end. I loved him very much - not the needy kind, I wasn't in love (....oh there was that too for very brief moments when I was at my most vulnerable. Lol. Great moments.) Really loving someone includes having doubts about them, at times.
Id be bonkers without medication on top of my therapy. I dont like having to take medication, but it actually helps. Not so much anti-depressants (i feel like they are placebos with side effects). Ive tried just CBT without any medications and it was going nowhere.. ultimately tho, its different strokes for different folks.. and different things work for different people.. i just think its silly to say flat out 'drugs are bad' when there ARE people who benefit from their use, even if that doesnt apply to EVERYONE who takes medication.
Medication is a tool. It needs to be used/prescribed by someone that knows what they're doing (a hammer can be a great tool, but it wont help you when you're trying to knit socks). And you need a bit of luck. Because we don't understand how a lot of these medications work, but they do work for some. Mind you, not everyone needs medication. And I agree that most people are over medicated. Here's my story: I've been through a bunch of wrong diagnosises (those are very annoying) and have taken a whole pharmacy of drugs in my journey through the mental health system. Nothing worked. Until I finally found someone that realised what was going on with me. Went off all medication, took a two year break from therapy, went back on (different) medication and I am now finally able to work on those things that are actually making me miserable because the meds stabilise me and keep me from escaping into suicidality, depression and self harm as soon as therapy gets a bit tough. I don't understand why this dude is so against diagnosises and drugs.
Bryan M mood stabilizers did nothing for me. They were like candy. The thing that did the trick was Lamotrigine. It's a seizure medication that can help with depression. But everyone is different. Just don't let them put you on Seroquel unless you're psychotic or bipolar. That stuff is the devil. It made me into a zombie because my doc kept upping the dosage when it didn't work. Of course your mood is "stable" when all you do is sleep and eat.
@@furkins6748 funny thing is I have only phone sessions and he charges $250 n hr. I picked him because either I'm a Narcissist and want to stick my N. Demented Father's estate with the bill or I thought his high rate would ensured The Michael Jordan of therapist on my case. I firmly believe I'm irredeemable.
Well said. 👏........I was drugged up on anto-depressants for years. I eventually got off them, but that was only because I did intense grief work with an excellent but unconventional therapist. Also going no contact with my poisonous family of origin hugely helped. Finally in recent years I did EMDR to resolve any CPTSD flashback and nightmares I was having. What I have learned from my journey of recovery is each of us has to keep trying new things and new therapies. No one thing is a magic bullet but all the therapies and resolutions in combination can get your sanity back. Plus good sleep habits, no alcohol and drugs and eating healthy are also hugely important to recovery.
The cost of therapy makes it extremely difficult and discouraging to pursue help. Then, many people are fearful to own that they are having difficulty handling life. Health insurance pays only a potion of each session and only authorizes 6 months, unless this has changed in recent years. Regardless, learning about ourselves is a journey that takes time and money. Undoing childhood abuse is challenging; good therapists could consider group therapy to help more people, and also to lower the costs for clients.
On the 4th visit with a psychotherapist, he released me. I was surprised given the tears and the anguish I shared with him and I felt safe & cared for. He told me I should have been much worse off considering my childhood. Then he said that the only thing he could think of was... "did I have some sort of spiritual epiphany?" My answer was YES! This is true for me, personally.. I must say, this therapist really did get me and I sensed he genuinely cared for me. With that, I only needed a few sessions. He was an amazing conduit and he never mentioned DRUGS! You nailed it, Daniel. Thank you...this has been like a check up for me. My last psychotherapy session was 27 years ago!
it's healing to just hear some of this, even if you're not making a direct connection. when you said "ultimately to grieve it" about past trauma, that right there is where im always trying to get to.
I really like what you said about diagnosing clients. Psychology is far from an exact science and seems to twist and turn and change and turn itself inside out every few years. We probably do need diagnoses so that we can understand each other but we should regard them with a healthy scepticism. A lot of psychologists hand out diagnoses like lollipops - "You've got borderline personality disorder," "You have social phobia," "You're schizotypal!" From that moment on, both client and therapist see everything through that prism, which is often very limiting and counterproductive.
I’m so happy to have my therapist. She challenges hard but without being challenged, I probably wouldn’t be making any progress. She’s kind and validating while doing so as well. I seriously have made so much progress with her (definitely not where I want to be yet but it’s a slow process) that I wanna tell my therapy office to give her a raise haha.
Hey Daniel you explain very well what is behind the scenes of psychotherapy, and reveal the secrets none of them wants uncovered. Great stuff, I agree on 99% of what you say. Just one thing needs to be clarified: it's not about 'diagnosing' for the sake of it (that only serves insurance and the psychiatric team, with the stigma that comes with it), more than anything else it's about 'assessing the damage', an empowering process for the victim, that places the responsibility back to the environment. For some people getting a proper diagnosis is the starting point for confrontation of parents. What do you confront parents about, if there is no representation of the damage? The issue with the DSM and similar manuals is that there is no account for the origin of each condition. A diagnosis should sound more like "Chronic mood swings caused by lack of holding in early childhood", or at the most, it should look more like a list of symptoms that none can discuss. A proper diagnosis (which by the way ISN'T a 'label', it is a long description, sometimes 10 pages long or more) is also a legal right, necessary to get the appropriate treatment (also a right). Without a diagnosis, any 'therapist' can claim to have the training to handle a client with a condition. With the diagnosis, it's safer for the client, who will ask: "Are you trained in any scientifically validated technique to treat BPD?". If the therapist isn't, then the client will save a lot of money and time. It's a matter of truth and honesty, both sides. The stigma is a separate issue.
As a therapist in the UK, I am forced to work privately only, due to the massive limitations , similar to those you identify , placed on therapists both within the NHS and other public sector organisations. Whilst this means that i can work effectively and congruently with the clients i see , i am also acutely aware that i am only able to offer support to those who have the means to pay for support , even with a sliding payment scale .Therapy in the UK is expensive for private practitioners to provide and funding support tends only to be available to 'evidence based practice' . The reality is that it is impossible to accurately scientifically measure the quality of a therapeutic relationship .
I had a therapist with a god complex. It was like being in a cult. She said she was the only person who could offer me help, that her technique was the only way to heal preverbal trauma. Thirty years later, I know it's not true. She capitalized on confusion and vulnerability. Four years years and alot money wasted. Not to mention trust. Thankyou Daniel for speaking out.
We dont need psychiatrists or therapists or medication. We need to know that we have the capacity to change ,exercise autonomy, and love ourselves enough to have our own best interests at heart.
I agree. I think a lot of people get trapped in the mental health system and can't get out. We just have to have faith and reach out but not give our lives over to someone we don't know who can really hurt us. 99% of the work we should do on our own and only reach out to a mental health professional when we are in dire need.
I am a physical therapist. I look at the patient's mental health, nutrition, spiritual health, on top of the regular evaluation i perform. I can relate to and practice most of the things you are touching on. I do have to say the child thing is very layered. Especially if you are a mother. In my case, my son is.a major reason i dove into inner exploration and healing (still am) and is making me a better person overall, mother, a better physical therapist, friend,etc i am able to connect and be more present, loving,with patients and anyone i interact with. All because of my son teaching me just by being himself. I consider myself weird and radical. And i give more time to my patients and even do free sessions as most of my clients live off social security only. If i didnt have a a child i still would have been a self serving asshole who could not see beyond herself. I am still an an asshole but in a different way. A blunt and straight forward person instead of a "nice" girl. But i get how having a child is very challenging to devote yourself to your calling. And it is definitely not easy for me. And i am still learning to balance it out. I love all of your insights. Thank you for sharing and being radically honest.
Thank you for your words at the end. It’s a good job that is true because in the U.K. there are very poor resources for mental health treatment unless you can afford to pay the extortionate amounts they charge privately.
I have scoured the internet for this kind of sound advice and yours is THE BEST! I can't believe the bad advice there is out there! And how many horrible therapists there are! Mine was abysmal, omg. She violated all your said and more.
"Is your therapist a radical person?" This is THE most important question swear to god. I only had one AMAZING therapist in my life and she was BOLD CONFIDENT and radical! She wasn't afraid to defend herself or to share controversial ideas even contrary to what I thought as a client! That tip to look at their website is also really good! I think I may have a lead on a therapist who is actually worth my time now!
Daniel regarding question #4: I had an acquaintance of mine who had been diagnosed as borderline and she was also in the danger of being suicidal and we had the same psychologist and the psychologist hospitalized her. But I think that the cause is that she really wanted to help and secure her, to be in a secure place (she don't even felt at that good at home by that time). So In a way it can help. Secure hospitalization and at the meantime going to the therapist to work through. I like your videos as they always raise me of some questions and criticism, too. Okay, I've listened further and yep, by going into the hospital she get to see more often her terapist as well. Soo, probably it could form a bond
Bravo! Brilliant. I'm grateful for your thoroughness & sharing your unique perspective. The world is a better place because you created these videos. Thank you.
None of mine have been good fired all of them. I would say to them “why do I know more than you”? Also why can you not answer any questions that I have. I told them ur nothing more than a RENTA FRIEND, what a joke.
Lara O'neal did you ever ask yourself what you were looking for out of therapy? Raw information you seem to be able to get on your own if you knew more then them. I want to point out I don't mean that as snark and I don't doubt you had a lot of rent a friends. Therapy is more then just an information dump and people can get caught up in trying to understand themselves and how their thoughts work they lose that knowing is only half the battle as they say. Something that could help you if you want to seek out therapy again is ask yourself what they can do for you with where you are at and clearly say it or have them help you figure it out.
Christian Wehner I’ve done my own studying and work on myself For has helped me tremendously. I did find a Christian talk show with 4 psychologists that I listened to for over 5 years and went to their seminars and read all of their books. They were wonderful. Getting my own education on my toxic family dynamic is what really helped. I believe it is me that had to the work no therapist is going to be help me unless I do the work. I of course also established no contact with family of origin and that also was wonderful, hurtful yes but I wasn’t going to go through any more abuse verbal or otherwise. The therapy industry is inept and have not done any work on themselves whatsoever I found out so why even bother with them and no empathy at all. If I would have met a Daniel that would have been the best. He is the antithesis of what I came across for years.
I can see the point you're making and agreed the work comes from the client to begin with in the therapy. Therapist should just be there for support, reflection and providing some insight when needed and appropriate. That said, I stick to the field because there are those who might not have the motivation or resources to do the work all alone. Changing ones life can be a threatening and scary idea, having someone as a support can be helpful. And for all it's faults and need for reform, leaving an industry because of it won't make things better. That's how the universities got so P.C. all the radicals left, so I languish in the hopes that when the time is right and enough people are fed up, I can help with the reformation. In the mean time, I do what I can to help my ct.'s understand themselves and their needs.
Lara, I know a little what you mean and am sorry for the experiences. But it's not the theoretical ability to know and answer that is the most important hing in a therapist, but their ability to guide you into your feeling-life, be safe with hem and in yourself, really get emotional experience of meeting your feelings, also uncomfortable things,If and heal If they are honest about their limits and give you it, and meet you in your soukls with empathy how their limits affect you, I think it is good enough..i have had better talks with ppl in 12-steps self-help groups than with therapists, and heard good ones on internet, than in my own reality. ppl are not always so strong.
I'm so thankful for your views on psychiatric drugs. I always hated it when people said "you need meds and therapy" it never helped. It blocks emotional growth I really believe that during the years that I took psychiatric drugs even if I tried to access my true feelings it was like something was stopping them.
Thank you. Your words and way of talking are really courageous, honest, loving, caring, transparent and humble. I am really touched by 7 and 8 points because of a recent experience with my last therapist. I faced him about our communication and he reacts as if I was not allowed to feel what I was feeling (???????)... because I should recognize him as an advanced person. I say him goodbye, he called me twice, but never return. I am still confused about this violent situation... but feeling kind of free of this very big stress before each meeting with him. Than you again, very difficult subject to talk about :))
Wow, you are such a gem that is amazing. That’s what therapist do. They label you soon as you sit down so they can figure out what drug to give you maybe not all but most god been so great to meet you. Thank you for sharing
when i was young i was diagnosed with adhd basically because my teachers forced my parents into getting me a diagnosis. 2 decades later i randomly endet up in a therapy session (because something happened at my workplace and we all had to go) who told me i seem to behave very odd like a autist and should contact a specialist. i did and this guy was honestly telling me he believes i have autism after 15min sitting in his room (maybe 5min real talk) we went throught the standard criteria and a bunch of paper questions and the next session i got the diagnosis after answering a few real questions about me for the first time (he already prepared the results so i dont know why he even asked). i can tell you iam far away from autism. iam very close to borderline but not fully. i would like to go on therapy and work on me but not when thrapist work like this. i wish diagnosis would work with single problems/events and traits.i could easily name them and work with them with a expert in human behaviour, but studying psychology is now all about learning diagnosis and drugs. its not even scientific anymore, just a standard training. pretty sad iam male with childhood traumas, dissociation and extreme emotions (which i try to hide at all cost but would talk about with someone i trust, so definitly not a therapist). but i doubt beeing listened to when i tell a therapist i think i have borderline as a men. they just seem so incredible bad, probably believe bpd is just for women. some idiots on the internet do a better job.
I'm so sorry to hear that you had such a crummy experience. My specialty is suicidality and I've worked with a lot of folks who have BPD (or who heavily relate to the symptoms). I've absolutely worked with men with this diagnosis and I've had colleagues who completely missed it because they had the exact bias you mentioned (thinking BPD is only for women). No matter how you feel about diagnoses, telling someone they have autism after 15 minutes is absolute quackery and you were right to not trust that person! Sounds like you've got a solid gut instinct there and I hope you are able to find someone who will actually listen to you, since that's the only way we can ever be helpful as clinicians.
I LOVE YOU SOO MUCH.. i can't stress how important this is, thank you so much, make more videos, more movies, do more of what you're doing regardless of the popularity, it is super needed!
Yes indeed - always ask your guts - meanwhile I did loose interest in any therapists at all . I am learning to help myself - could write a book about all these idiots - met only one really nice and very helpful therapist in over 3 decades of searching. I am done now. Daniel, I´ve should have known you 30 years before - you are a real truthteller and I do really thank you out of the very heart of mine for your precious work for us people here.♥
In general, my gut and experience as a therapist and as a client leads me to believe (IMHO) that Daniel is pretty much on target. However, I qualify that regarding his opinion on being a parent. While I can see it could be true that a conflict of interest could exist for a therapist trying to divide their attention between clients and family (particularly when there are under-age children), ultimately, the growth that (should) take(s) place from parenting can contribute richly to the perspective and understanding of a client's situation and their needs. Therapists who have raised children have the added advantage of having integrated a parent as well as a child perspective. Attempting to limit the expansion of one's perspective rather than dealing with it does not seem like an advantage to me.
I totally agree with you, I have been a psychiatrist for 25 years. My guiding principle in my career was if you are a good human being you are a good therapist but to remain so for 25 years is terribly exhaustive. What kept me going was that God is seeing the good I am doing and he sees the pain I am taking for my fellow human and he shall reward me in this life and life afterwards. You are a wonderful human being and I love you for that and have a guaranteed approval of God. I wish you a lot of happiness and peace in your future life. God bless you.
This video has helped me realize (what I think I already knew) that I do in fact have a good therapist. I don't think she's 100% according to these questions (e.g. I don't know if she always understands me or vice versa), but for sure she doesn't try to subvert my therapy to achieve her own needs; and she has actually helped bring a sense of calm to my world. Thank you for this video and giving me this insight!!
I was so damaged by a very bad friend who used her clinical studies to analyze me, and use it to control & manipulate me. ~ I kept going to clinical psychology for help, and invested years of time & tons of money, finally I had to stop because my insurance ran out & I saw it wasn’t working .. Wish you were my counselor, maybe I could have made some progress. But now, like you said, I listen to myself & care for myself .. 💙💕💘
Thank you for this, you confirmed some things I've been thinking and also gave me some new things to consider. Looks as though I'll be leaving current therapist!
This is telling me that my therapist is a really good one. He's always been more of an advocate for social support systems and exercise over medications, and I've been seeing him for almost 3 years and he's never once told me if he's diagnosed me with anything. I'm sure he has, personally in his records but he's never told me. He told me a diagnosis doesn't really fix anything and can cause people to feel labeled by it, so he believes it's less useful than actually working on behavioral changes that can make a difference. I live in Michigan so maybe it's not legally required in my state for him to diagnose me, maybe i'm just really lucky.
Good for you!! I am very much with the same line of thinking as your therapist. We have to diagnose and submit documentation due to the insurance companies and tend to go with the lowest diagnostic code possible because it is stigmatizing. I never recommend/impose medication on clients and feel the same way that diagnoses aren't helpful.
I wish you had been my therapist, you just get it. The process of breaking away from your parents is hard enough without having someone judge, pathologize or condemn you for legitimate anger. I'm done with therapists.
Look, mental health practitioners should be humble about their own therapeutic skills, as truly evidence based skill sets as it relates to psychotherapy are quite limited, both in scope and in testing quantity and validity. And yes, practitioners should also be wary of pathologizing others and seeking to medicate unnecessarily. Neuroleptics suck, but sometimes are the only solution we have right now (see Dr. Elyn Saks memoir The Center Cannot Hold). But some of the statements in this video just go way over the top, I'm sorry. If you have a client that is telling you, "I'm going to kill myself by jumping on the roof off my apartment building 9 stories up out into the street below during heavy traffic" (suicidal ideation with intent and plan), and you don't hospitalize said person, you might as well kiss your license and ability to practice good-fucking-bye. And the speaker knows this. Conversation over.
worked this stuff out in my early 20s after my first experiences with psychologists and psychiatrists , kept well away since, 99% of them are vicarious psychopaths. So glad you have found your way through such a minefield of lies, deception, and abuse and survived.
Really good insights. For question four I almost always ask if the client has a plan. Too much to write about in this response on some approaches to suicidal ideation. I will say that what you are describing is super difficult to achieve with a client in question 4. Certainly agree that an alliance with client is the best way in my experience to team up with the client. I wish in our work we could do that more. For question 5, that’s something I have to work on quite a bit more as a therapist. I think it’s easy to describe childhood challenges and somewhat not so difficult to define with the clients help what may be going on. The exploration is the challenging part for me for a multitude of reasons which again would take too long to get into. The rest of the questions are awesome. I think the suicidal ideation is a bit tricky. I am not sure of any agency or even private clinic or our own private practice that would allow us to work with clients with suicidal ideation or clients with deep trauma the way we really want to. Look at the documentary “take these broken wings, healing from schizophrenia without medication.” 8 years to fully be able to assist a client in that documentary. It does show the deep underlying impact that life can have on us as human beings. I think it’s super helpful to give everything you can to your client and really be supportive. I also think it’s helpful when the client can move towards you as the therapist. I guess there are a lot of things in psychotherapy just like anything else. I probably resonate with about 85 percent of what you have stated in this video. For some reason, I wanted to dislike all of what you were stating. It’s kind of fun to do that in a video to make it exciting. But you made so much sense that it was almost impossible to refute any of it.
Hi, I hope you see this. I've spoken to two therapist over past couple of years - one almost two years and other about 8 months mostly virtually due to quarantine. One of them from the very start through current time 8-months later is super casual and like i am paying to just chat and hang out. Everything is nice and civil interesting conversation but so off topic so random and all over the place conversations that have nothing to do with anything I intended when I signed up for sessions. And it is the therapist in this case who ends the session with the attitude of looking forward to hang out and chat with you next time so we can do this same random topic all over the place going no where but fun and interesting session all over again with you. You are totally right nobody talks about it. I couldn't find anything about it online. And when I tried to google topic about what about when your therapist redirects sessions with irrelevant questions and takes the client off topic the client had started speaking about I cant find anything on the topic at all. *In fact as you may expect the search result automatically flips subject around to "How to Redirect a Client who Has Gone Off Topic." The Assumption is that it is always the Client whom is going off topic and It is VERY FAULTY in some cases. ** I don't know why this therapist does this. Is it because they are just trying to get me to talk on a variety of topics to see how I think or maybe they want it to fun and easy and not exert much effort??? I did speak to them earlier in our session about 5 months ago that I would be interested in having more focus to our sessions and so forth. They claim to use CBT among other methods but I don't really see it. It's very loosey goosey. Sometimes I feel like I am more or less the therapist coach or teacher in our sessions. As It seems I am the one always attempting to tie things and themes between various tangents of questions and thoughts that they bring up together and am the one sharing insights and so forth. Which is not necessarily a bad thing if building a friendship with someone in everyday life however it is not therapy. My real issues are being absolutely ignored and non addressed. And after a session with my therapist I sometimes feel more distracted add/adhd like then before the session even if the talk was interesting. *And the other therapist I've spoken to in past two years is not quite as bad in that department but still really never tries to have any overall goals for our work together. At best it's a what do you want to talk about today? That is at best. And there is no attempt to link or remember or continue working on any particular issue from one session to the next unless I have to put in a lot of effort to remind this other therapist of details we discussed in previous session every single time. So after almost two years i feel very little progress has been made at least very little that can be attributed to the therapy. I really gave this two therapists a good run but I probably should end sessions soon. I tried to do my homework when choosing these two. They try to give you the impression that perhaps they can help you when you first speak to them but in the end it's a bust. I guess it's a step above therapist I saw many years prior while ago that use to leaving me feeling worst about my life and dwell on past after each session. However still it's frustrating and a waste of time, money and one's life .. opportunities lost to poor decisions so forth. What is it I need to do differently in finding a therapist that is really dedicated to using best practices and has the know how?
I realise that psychotherapists and psychologist get pretty sick and tired of the "worried well" moaning about their problems, but they are getting paid, after all, so is it too much to expect a little empathy and support? I went to a psychologist after trying for many years to sort out my problems on my own, so when I finally went into therapy I was overwhelmed. I cried (a single tear, would you believe?) but she just looked pained and silently handed me a box of tissues. In another session I said (somewhat self-centeredly, I admit) something like, "I sometimes wonder how my career would have gone if I didn't have all this anxiety and lack of self-confidence. Maybe I could have really achieved something." She just shook her head and said, "No, you wouldn't have." Maybe I deserved that, but it still hurt. After a few sessions, I told her I didn't want to continue with therapy. Then for the first time she got really interested in me and said I had a lot of issues that we hadn't addressed yet. I left anyway and over the next few weeks she phoned me several times, trying to get me to go back, probably because I was articulate and polite and paid on time.
Only one therapist really helped at all because that one seemed to have a little empathy, the rest of them just listened briefly, then without really getting how I felt started to give advice, like they had heard similar things before, and then they give you advice about what to do. The worst one told me to take up knitting and see a hypnotist, I wish I was making that up. It seems like what happens to people is they go through life and they can't see that anyone really knows how they feel, and the therapist should show them or teach them how to get that need met.
You say that a good therapist should be an expert at unpacking trauma. That's what my former therapist did, but then she encouraged me to stay in touch with my abusive dominant mother. She gave me a lot of exercises to feel my mother's love (as I see it now it was feeding my illusion that my mother cared about me). So I guess a good therapist should know not only how to unpack traumatic experience but also how to help a client separate from abusive parents. Also she told me many times that she replaced a motherly figure for me. As I see it now this sounds pointless. My therapist didn't care about me like a mother should. She didn't help me with creating good habits, stopping my addictive behaviours, planning my finances (and she knew I often struggled to pay for the sessions). I believe it's misleading and damaging to allow clients see a mother in a therapist.
Many years ago, I went to a therapist for addiction issues, family trauma as well. It was a recommended place by someone else. Come to find out... there was a main desk, therapy rooms, then they sent you "off to see the psychiatrist" who was down the hall. It was a dull conversation. He just drilled out "any suicide attempts? any major depression episodes?" in a monotone manner. Then wrote a prescription and handed it to me. I tried to "humanize" it by discussing the picture on his desk of him and his family with a boxer dog. He said he lost the dog a few years earlier. I did volunteer work and said we had a beautiful young male boxer in our rescue that would be perfect! Of course, he at first seemed somewhat thrilled I could offer something.. then separated himself from it. So odd. Well, I ended up HATING the medication! I felt like a ZOMBIE. No sense of self. I wanted to "feel". I just dropped that place.. stopped going. They didn't seem to care.
Like your video! I have been to a therapist who can’t validate me and one is charge way more high. I should watch this video before I meet any therapist.
Don't know if you noticed this Daniel, but you are describing a "good" therapist as a person like yourself. "My way is the "right" way" - it's so difficult to think otherwise, isn't it?! :) I agree with a lot of your content, I love your vulnerability and learn a lot from it, so THANK YOU for being a genuine voice amongst the experts hiding behind masks. The only area I tend to disagree with you on is on having children. You literally step into your parents' shoes when you become a parent, and many things you found unforgivable about them, you notice within yourself and you begin to have a different level of compassion. How could anyone scream at a poor, helpless baby? Let's get you on a 24-hour watch, 7 days a week with a couple of hours of sleep at night if lucky, and let's make that schedule last for YEARS non-stop!!! Oh, and let's add no support, no reprieve but add financial and relational stress - now you will begin looking at parenthood in a very different way! Bad parents are a consequence of a systemic issue - most were raised in a dysfunctional way but also live in dysfunctional societies that neither value nor cater for the sacredness of motherhood nor the well-being of the parents and children it involves. And it begins with a woman's pregnancy being treated as a medical illness. Until you have children you will have only ever related to a family system as a child - you will have never had the opportunity to experience yourself as the parent within the family system and that is a useful viewpoint to have (not necessary but useful). What I found is that becoming a parent has made me a lot more vigilant about inner work. You have a little being you adore that you don't want to experience the hurt you do - so there's the motivation to change, but you also have the constant challenge, the daily tests forcing you to frequent deep breaths, shame, and guilt episodes, apologies and trying again to do better. It is a very rewarding path done consciously and with the intention to END the cycle of ancestral trauma and inherited patterns of abuse. I don't believe the solution is for the world to stop having kids and what? End civilization? I would much rather we worked on healing humans and teaching them how to be good parents while also supporting them in that act. We can then be agents for the birth of healthier and healthier humans who will hopefully create a healthier and happier civilization. . Thank you for reading. 🙏
I feel that many couples or singles need the time and experience of going within and healing traumas and then rest and recuperate in order to build new ways of helping and re-educating youth right from the start of life really Aswell😍❤️
I took a friend's advice and saw this therapist. I had been to a therapist years earlier--with good results. So why was I shaking when I first met this therapist? I convinced myself it was just fear of therapy. If figured out later that my body actually had a very simple message: RUN!!!!! And I wish I had listened.
About the second question, it's really not simple. I've been in psichoanalysis for 4 months and the therapist gave me a diagnose of bipolar personality and the drugs would be a good way for me. Since the first session, I said to my wife that my gut was feeling she was not good, but I thought it's too early to judge her job. What happened was after she gave the diagnose her tools are gone. I ended up following my gut and stopped therapy. After that, it's been 50 days since I got out of depression when I started looking at my inner child, and the best one, without any type of drugs.
I’ve had a lot of therapists in the past that became defensive, mean and blaming, if I tried to confront or tell them nicely that I don’t agree with or felt mistreated..
Navigation through the video:
1:00 #1 What does your gut tell you?
3:48 #2 Whats your therapist's opionion on psychiatric drugs?
7:30 #3 What's your therapist's opinion on psychiatric diagnosis?
10:00 #4 How do they work with someone who is suicidal?
14:35 #5 Does your therapist recognize the traumatic roots of your life problems?
17:20 #6 Do you feel your therapist understands you?
19:10 #7 Do you feel your therapist loves you?
22:52 #8 How does your therapist deal with being personally challenged?
29:00 #9 Is your therapist a radical person?
33:42 #10 How much does your therapist charge?
37:42 #11 What is your therapist's opinion on forgiving parents?
41:40 #12 Does your therapist have children?
Ty. What I was looking for.
🤷♀️🤷♀️🤷♀️🤷♀️
@@anneee261 What?
28:21 Testing therapist
44:54 Ultimately our job to heal ourselves.
Man, I want to be friends with this guy. Such a deep and wise man!
Speaking of Friends,doesn't he sort of remind you of Ross on the TV show of that name.
even if i sound like a lunatic ... i made friends on youtube ... i call them soulmates .... and they can be very good friends to me without knowing me ;-)
making friends to me is a creative and and an imaginative process. (sorry, if this doesn't really sound like proper english - but i am sure the world understands ;-)
agreed
After many bad, sometimes shockingly awful therapists, I'm happy to have my current one. She supports me being med free, and is - skeptical of certain aspects of the mental health system, on my side genuinely, open to reconsidering points of view, and actually wants to understand and listen to me. I don't feel like she wants to control me, but wants to help me empower myself.
Fortunate!!
I know this is an old comment but i feel you so totally. Would you be willing to share your bad experiences? How to deal with it
so you found a non NPD therapist, you hit the lotto LOL
I'm 27 and still haven't found a good one :/ I believe they are out there but most are shit
@@gingerisevil02 I agree. I feel like most therapists cause more harm than good. Partly because they deep down just don't care about the people they treat. They just want to pay the bills
I had a great therapist. I knew when I walked in the door and smelled inscense. He gave me books to read, so I could help myself. I love that therapist, so thankful. It changed my life. I still read books about depression. Yeah, I still have dark days, but they are few. I now have skills to help myself.
Wow, blessings ❤
I had one like that. After about two years he told me of a book on CBT, I bought it, went home and read it, and called him up and told him I didn’t need to see him anymore. I could cure myself.
@@prant8998What's the name of the book?
You're a gift to us and a gift to psychotherapy. I appreciate you sharing your thoughts, thank you.
Thank you for being helpful in explaining diagnosis/non diagnosis because it is stigmatized in my own life.
you should stay as a professor. new therapist need to hear you.
True! Get a phd and teach!!
Yes please!!!
I like your pfp
Juan Fernando Montes -- He feels like a wise professor.
Indeed
I love this man’s frank honesty. There’s no jargon, airy fairy crap, he just says it how it is. He’s an inspiration.
Thanks so much for sharing this video with us.
Greetings from Ireland 🇮🇪
Vulnerability can attract unethical behavior. Therapists often don't admit to the power imbalance in their practice. There are also a lot of just plain lazy, bad, burned out people in the profession.
yes, i saw myself heading toward burnout and it was good for me to walk away and regain my bearings. but i've seen a lot of therapists who burn out and just buckle down and keep working....or just take on richer, easier clients who are less stressful....or who just live and work more in a pose so they're not as vulnerable.... not fun or healthy!
It seems the good people walk away from the profession after a while. Thanks Daniel for finding a way to still help people with your videos.
Completely agree, Eric Bray
Sweet Pea: They can burn out by destructive thinking and living habits of their own.They go into a role as therapists, which is right, but which also poses great responsibility on them top be self-disciplined in taking care of themselves well.
Maybe people like you should train therapists..once i had that called me fat. I was mildly heavy being on a med for a medical issue. Not psychaiatric..she was no skinny gal herself..i told her i was not stuffing my face..which she thought i was..shed laugh at me too saying that would never happen to her or her loved ones..hurtful ..my gut and a family friend said get away from there..she denied her actions..left quietly..went to a better practice..this family friend ..believes therapists therapists should do case by case..not a cookie cutter approach like too many therapists i hear of from others and hace seen..seems meds and hospitals are a ladt resort..2 way relationships..to some degree would work better..and id see one more than once a week if i could..2 to 3 weeks was never enough
This video hits many truths I've learned after year's of going to different therapists. I can spot a bad therapist but wish I hadn't learned the hard way. This video would have shaved years off the learning curve. Thanks for posting Daniel. Looks like you've done a lot of personal therapy and not just been a therapist. You see things from a client's view quite well in this video. Very refreshing to see both sides of the couch, so to speak.
It boggles my mind how therapists dont understand Narcissistic Abuse. It isn't covered in the curriculum and that's really very sad, not to mention aggravating as hell.
trip_13678 Right!? My last therapist outright dismissed me when talking about my narcissistic mother and said I was having a countertransference. That was the last time I been to therapy. I hope one day people will be taken seriously with narcissistic abuse.
some therapits/ psychiatrists etc. are narcissists themselves! they dont want to be exposed
@Lara Miriam yeah I experienced it too. I felt I should have been refunded (and with interest) by my narcissistic therapists for wasting my time, money AND for trusting them.
Oh yes. My Narc (NPD) husband took me to couples therapy and his condition was ignored, despite me telling him that my husband is prob NPD. Yet my husband manipulated and fooled this rather inexperienced therapist, so I ended up doubly abused. This is even after I came in and showed a bruised on my arm. Terrible experience!
Hey there Lone Sailor! Thank Goodness my NPD spouse decided on the ultimate discard: leaving me and the marriage. I’ve refused to put any more energy into my NPD spouse, already lost 20 years. Although a bit jarring after 20 years of marriage and 3 teens, worrying about finances, I’m still so relieved and frankly thrilled that he’ll move out and I can have a better calmer life. Awesome! So glad he initiated it, so less likely to be vindictive, but yes no guarantee. As these creatures can do terrible things. Still I’m very optimistic for my future. And yes I LOVE myself.
also when a therapist is a parent they identify w/ the parent and thats why many times they push all this "u must forgive your parents" mumbo jumbo on us. they feel like if u criticize your own parent, u are criticizing ALL parents an by extension themselves
corsican lulu i disrespectfully disagree with you. Buddhist tradition urges people to make peace with their parents, which is not the same as forgiving the unforgivable. Judeo-Christian tradition extensively documents the perils of not honoring your parents. A good therapist is self-aware enough to see when there is countertransference going on, and that’s an easy one to pick up on as most parents get defensive when their parenting skills are questioned. Life is easier when you forgive your parents, that’s all. Resentment is a heavy burden to carry and it impedes healing. There’s a lot of healthier alternatives to crappy parents than defooing.
It also depends on the therapist's culture. Where are they from? A Catholic country?
Forgiving ones parents can literally kill a patient with excessively narcissistic parents. Why should all parents be as good as the therapist might be, as a parent? Distinctions between parents can be drawn. Most parents find some way to point out the misstakes in parenting-styles in other families, or to even look down on sh*tty parents. Why should they stop doing that, with regards to a patient's parents?
Because you should never tell a client that their parents, husband, wife, children, friend, etc. suck. (Hopefully you'd use more appropriate language than me). That's not growth-promoting and it sets the perfect stage for splitting.
Yup! There is benign and malevolent paternalism. Psychotherapists, have turned glib and malevolent mostly. When I exactly asked my last psychotherapist the questions in Daniel Macklers checklist, she not only didn't give me a straight answer but threw all those questions back at me. It was automatical deflection without any of her self-reflection. The last question I asked her was: "What's your opinion about suicide, not that I want to commit suicide." She kicked it back: "Why don't you want to commit suicide?" It was in an automatic gainsaying way that this therapist asked one of her clients, me, to commit suicide. I'm not kidding.
I weaseled out of her question by telling her that this was a too private question.
In hindsight I find it funny. A psychotherapist who's asking her clients to commit suicide is committing her own professional suicide.
It's like in this joke: My psychotherapist had died. Why? Because he had lost all of his patience.
You just made me feel more healthy and normal. I always said I don't want to bring children into this messed up world and now at 27, people look at me like "You're nuts. You'll regret it, you'll change your mind..."
@@bdmenne wtf
Daniel u are so compassionate and you so get it. So few ppl like you let alone therapists.
Your experience as a therapist, the reason you pulled out after ten years and the insight you have as to what makes a good therapist, all mirror my own experience and thoughts as an MFT. I'm so grateful to you for making your wonderfully open and honest videos! You touched on areas of the profession rarely if never talked about with fellow therapists. Thank you!!!
I love the way you think. As a fellow counselor in the mental health field. I think it’s bizarre how they diagnose life’s struggles and the solution is always meds. I would love to start my own organization that is just based on collective understanding, experience, and love to help others heal in a society where I see everybody as “mentally ill”
My dad has started to do some community support work since I was really young. Part of his job is talk to some vulnerable people and help them solve some personal issues (a little bit like what a therapist does). However, inside our home he once slit my mother's throat with a piece of sharp glass simply because my mother had said some strong swear words to him, yet he kept telling me and my twin brother to learn to forgive others when they have harmed us. Till today, seeing or hearing the word "forgive" still grosses me out. To me, how pretentious and disgusting it is for a person to preach " forgiveness" on moral high ground.
I personally don't trust anyone who talks about "forgiveness."
Same
@@xanderschild77me neither
I engaged in therapy with a single therapist about 20 years ago. She was a fantastic therapist, we got a tonne of work done in the couple of years I worked with her. I am going back into therapy with someone else due to a suicide in my family and the grief and other feelings that has brought up. I am filled with trepidation, not because of the work, but the process of formulating the relationship with the therapist. I am very much in agreement that not all therapists are created equally and many are plain shit.
You really hit the nail on the head with your description of what makes a good therapist. Nice to know there are caring therapists in the profession such as yourself. I’m sad for clients that you are no longer a practicing therapist, but am glad that you are doing what is right for you.
Thank you for explaining why being a therapist isn't easy. I think many people have a false impression that all we do is sit and listen. The reality is, it's a much more active process and it takes a lot of deep thinking. Are all therapists this way? No. Many push for band aids to alleviate today's problems, but is temporary relief of symptoms the best? It may be, but it's up to the client's discretion. I am the rudder of the boat, the client is the motor. I aim while they control the speed and focus on the horizon.
Thank you for touching on some topics that most therapists are unwilling to explore.
I really appreciate you comment and I couldn't agree more!! I loved your ship analogy. We truly are a guide and support for clients. There truly is a lot of misconceptions out there especially that all we do is sit there and listen.
I was skeptical. I was nearly 60 and had N parents still affecting me. Nobody had ever got it. Once a week and nearly 6 years later I feel resilient and happier, it helped me release emotional shackles and find 'me'. I seemed to deconstruct and build up again. What you say was very good Daniel.I was lucky to find someone like this.I hope others find good help too.
Wow, I stumbled on this accidentally. I was sexually abused by a therapist for years. He did indeed think he was a guru. The next one, years later, did not care about what my day to day life was like, just wanted to hear about my childhood abuse, and kind of got off on it. It happens more than most people want to admit, especially therapists. The moment I redirected the conversation to what I was struggling with daily at the time, he cut me loose. I am done forever with therapy. I have done more healing on my own than decades of therapy did for me. There is a huge difference between caring about a client and grooming the client. Thank you for telling the truth!
Same thing happened to me when I was 16 and very vulnerable. Twenty years later, I had a great therapist and it kind of resolved the previous experience because it was so positive.
Sorry to hear about what happened to you two. I wish you both the best.
So very sorry that you experienced this with a therapist,,,I had an extremely close call when I was younger,,,I am a woman and it was a woman therapist. Really bad boundaries! Healing and health to each of you!
I had this same experience! Ew so grossly wrong.
He wanted me to describe in detail how me and my bf have sex and all the sexual abuse I've experienced.
Thank you again for continuing to keep this conversation alive, productive and progressing.
I've been a UK therapist for 12 years, and I couldn't agree more with you Daniel about the mental health systems peddling of "diagnosis = drugs".
When a client tells me "I'm here because my doc says I have depression" I say "ok, but what do YOU think you might have?". They look at me blank, then we start the journey into my client exploring their own understanding of what is causing their suffering and not a label a doctor has given them. I recall one lovely lady saying to me a little way into her sessions, "I've not got depression at all, I've just forgotten how to love muself in a media driven world that is geared towards making it easy for me to dislike almost every aspect of me".
Keep on with the videos Daniel. Xx
I don't fully agree with all of these but some of them are sooo prevalent in the therapists I considered bad and had to leave ultimately. Specially the undertands you part, where I had a therapist that quite literally made up in his mind a person completely different from who I was and no matter how much I tried telling him it was wrong he would not listen to me. Also the challenging part - I cannot tell you how bothered I get when a therapist seems to have less emotional regulation than me
This is GREAT stuff! Question #8 brought back memories of many, many years ago (in the 80s), when I was having weekly sessions with a psycho-analyst. Old school, "Freudian" style (me lying on a couch, looking at the ceiling, while my analyst sat behind me, writing feverishly in a steno pad)... At our first session, she gave me an overview of the kind of work we'd be doing together, and it involved 5 areas of focus, in no particular priority or order: 1. Current events 2. Dreams 3. My sex life 4. Childhood memories 5. Criticism of her, my therapist. She explained that, if I were to truly own my sessions, I should have the right to critique her work. I really never had any criticism of her, so I never got around to that 5th category. One day she asked, "Before we end our session today, is there any criticism you have for me? Anything you're not getting from me and these sessions?" Honestly, I had nothing for her. She was very special and great at what she did!
I love most of what you say - particularly about being a radical therapist, which I believe I am. I do fall out with you about the bit about being a parent. While I see that this may be true for some parents - it is certainly not true of all parents. For me, being a parent has been the most growth inducing part of my life and this has given me the ability to hold space for client's in a way I personally wouldn't have been able to otherwise. I am not suggesting that is true for everyone, but it is for me. I thought long and hard before bringing children into this crazy world and decided that some people who are conscious needed to - I have two wonderful empathetic conscious teens now. My personal experience in therapy is that those therapists who weren't parents, were less good - again that is just my experience and not necessarily true for all... Also, some parents of young children may have amazing support networks and so the usual cost of parenting little ones is more spread.
I want this guy to be my therapist. Or my friend. He’s honest about therapy and addresses a lot of questions and doubts I’ve experienced.
Psychotherapy in the UK (NHS) is dismal. For one, getting an initial referral is difficult, then the waiting time is often three months (if you're lucky) more usually six months or longer. I gave up on state funded help and took it upon myself to find a private therapist and I'm really pleased i did. What is worrying though is a lot of people do not have the money or the motivation to do this. The therapist i work with took my whole situation including income into account and met me half way. I'm now doing so much better. But my first experiences of NHS based therapy was truly dangerous, she did more harm than good, but, that experience made me determined to find someone who could work with me so for that i thank her though i worry for the vulnerable people that end up in her room.
I agree the NHS just puts you on the CBT course did that online was a complete waste of time didn't learn anything I didn't already know or tried. Docs didn't really care just wrote out script for meds and that was it no talk of side effects took them for a week was way way worse then not taking them so stopped,no follow up at all from the doc, CBT counciller didn't even read the feed back I was sending about the course not being useful for what was going on. So I just searched for a counciller took about 10 emails all booked up for 8 months. Finally found someone who is good so far she had been in a major car accident and had to put her life back together and has no kids so looks like she ticks some of the boxes!
thank you for sharing about NHS, the places where medical or psychiatric care is not state -run - well IMO I feel that people do not understand fully the choices they have, and, often more costly, at least the quality of care is better.
What you write of your experience pretty much mirrors mine..I'm from Ireland and the public mental health system is possibly even worse..the waiting time is so long they can't even give you any kind of estimate of it.. then getting a good therapist at the end of the wait is a bit like winning in a lottery..the odds just aren't good
This has got to be one of the most informative and genuine you tube videos I’ve sighted to date. And I don’t watch tv, instead I you tube so that’s saying a lot. Thank you Daniel, I’m most grateful to have had the opportunity to learn from you. Thank you for the energy you have put into these videos.
I’m also grateful that this information is free.
So great, thank you. I'm a therapist in the UK. Watching your video has validated completely everything I believe about therapy as well as my misgivings about the field.
The last point is spot on and not so many people are willing to address that people who CHOSE to bring children into this world are less conscious than those who chose not to. A therapist with kids is blocked from their own path of growth because they need to focus on their kids'. Daniel you're a revolution
I noticed a few years ago that quite a few of my favorite authors were ones who had stopped writing after a while, or who had stopped for a while during their writing years, and I see this might apply to therapists, too!
That is the first utterly intelligent comment I have ever read on UA-cam. If you're out there, I would love to continue the dialogue with you. maxalberts2003@yahoo.com. Again, you're probably not on YT for a reason.
On suicide (question 4): on occasion, the very starting of a new relationship, this time around with one’s therapist, is what facilitates a finalization and pushes the ‘patient’ over the edge. A person with intent to end it all is simultaneously looking for reasons to stay alive and being exhausted by the effort. Once the therapist offers them the chance to turn a new leaf, they may feel relieved at first, but then they feel utterly overwhelmed by the prospect. Clinging to life suddenly becomes harder than giving in to the call of death.
Damn I think I experience that right now. Did you go through that too?
I get a kick out of your discourse.Real good point on the safe place for a client to challenge the counselor. Most counselors balk when they get out of their comfort zone.I like the way you call bullshit on the system.It should always be about healing.I wonder if my oversight agency will accept your videos as my clinical supervision requirement. Definitely going to point my staff this way.Thanks for staying in the bizz in this way.
Lots of good thoughts. I always felt I was paying someone to like me. I didn't feel my therapist loved me. I feel very betrayed and let down by the mental health community.
I watched these videos when they came out and I’m glad to be able to watch them again. They’re gold.
You are a genius and I love how honest you are. I wish I had you as a therapist. You're awesome! Thank you for being you!
Yoy are so helpfull. If i have hesrd my inside voice i would not be in the position i am now. I have been crashed and traumatised and controled by therapists. I have changed a lot of them. None was good. Now i know. A good therapist must teach you to trust yourself. Must learn you to hear your selffrom the beginning. It is something that traumatized people have not got. Eveything you say it is so true and so helpfull. Dont stop maje these video.
I had a therapist for years. We had a very rocky start, followed by very smooth sailing for many of years. Eventually he became emotionally involved in my healing process and that complicated the process again considerably. So there were a few more rocky months and right at the end, during the last couple of weeks, I got to my destination by myself where I found all my answers / processed the bad emotions about the past. I don't claim to be a perfect person now. We know deep down when we have all the answers we were looking for and I got mine, that's all. I always wondered whether he was any good at being a therapist because he was all I knew as far as my experience with therapists went. Honestly, when I started therapy I expected every therapist had their own issues and I knew it would have to be managed on top of my own. So I stayed loyal to one therapist through the good and the bad. I don't regret it. I asked my therapist once about his view about himself and he believes he's an excellent therapist. When he sensed it was all coming to an end in our relationship he commented that we made a good match. We were a good match. I never would have achieved my goals without his help. Yet I always had moments when I doubted his contribution to my development. The change I experienced in my feelings about him was a good sign; a sign that it was an emotional process right till the very end. I loved him very much - not the needy kind, I wasn't in love (....oh there was that too for very brief moments when I was at my most vulnerable. Lol. Great moments.) Really loving someone includes having doubts about them, at times.
Parts of this resonate with my own experiences in therapy. Thank you for sharing :)
Id be bonkers without medication on top of my therapy. I dont like having to take medication, but it actually helps. Not so much anti-depressants (i feel like they are placebos with side effects). Ive tried just CBT without any medications and it was going nowhere..
ultimately tho, its different strokes for different folks.. and different things work for different people..
i just think its silly to say flat out 'drugs are bad' when there ARE people who benefit from their use, even if that doesnt apply to EVERYONE who takes medication.
It should not be the norm but the exception and you are the exception:) We are all very unique. One size fits all is not realistic.
Medication is a tool. It needs to be used/prescribed by someone that knows what they're doing (a hammer can be a great tool, but it wont help you when you're trying to knit socks). And you need a bit of luck. Because we don't understand how a lot of these medications work, but they do work for some. Mind you, not everyone needs medication. And I agree that most people are over medicated.
Here's my story: I've been through a bunch of wrong diagnosises (those are very annoying) and have taken a whole pharmacy of drugs in my journey through the mental health system. Nothing worked. Until I finally found someone that realised what was going on with me. Went off all medication, took a two year break from therapy, went back on (different) medication and I am now finally able to work on those things that are actually making me miserable because the meds stabilise me and keep me from escaping into suicidality, depression and self harm as soon as therapy gets a bit tough.
I don't understand why this dude is so against diagnosises and drugs.
@@furkins6748 my most recent doc has suggested mood stabilizers, I've had bad ssri experiences. Dunno what to think.
Bryan M mood stabilizers did nothing for me. They were like candy. The thing that did the trick was Lamotrigine. It's a seizure medication that can help with depression. But everyone is different. Just don't let them put you on Seroquel unless you're psychotic or bipolar. That stuff is the devil. It made me into a zombie because my doc kept upping the dosage when it didn't work. Of course your mood is "stable" when all you do is sleep and eat.
@@furkins6748 funny thing is I have only phone sessions and he charges $250 n hr. I picked him because either I'm a Narcissist and want to stick my N. Demented Father's estate with the bill or I thought his high rate would ensured The Michael Jordan of therapist on my case. I firmly believe I'm irredeemable.
You make so much sense! I only wish I'd had a therapist like you when I needed one!
The world needs thousands like you . You resonate with me totally. Incredible.
Well said. 👏........I was drugged up on anto-depressants for years. I eventually got off them, but that was only because I did intense grief work with an excellent but unconventional therapist. Also going no contact with my poisonous family of origin hugely helped. Finally in recent years I did EMDR to resolve any CPTSD flashback and nightmares I was having.
What I have learned from my journey of recovery is each of us has to keep trying new things and new therapies. No one thing is a magic bullet but all the therapies and resolutions in combination can get your sanity back.
Plus good sleep habits, no alcohol and drugs and eating healthy are also hugely important to recovery.
The cost of therapy makes it extremely difficult and discouraging to pursue help. Then, many people are fearful to own that they are having difficulty handling life. Health insurance pays only a potion of each session and only authorizes 6 months, unless this has changed in recent years. Regardless, learning about ourselves is a journey that takes time and money. Undoing childhood abuse is challenging; good therapists could consider group therapy to help more people, and also to lower the costs for clients.
On the 4th visit with a psychotherapist, he released me. I was surprised given the tears and the anguish I shared with him and I felt safe & cared for. He told me I should have been much worse off considering my childhood. Then he said that the only thing he could think of was... "did I have some sort of spiritual epiphany?" My answer was YES! This is true for me, personally.. I must say, this therapist really did get me and I sensed he genuinely cared for me. With that, I only needed a few sessions. He was an amazing conduit and he never mentioned DRUGS! You nailed it, Daniel. Thank you...this has been like a check up for me. My last psychotherapy session was 27 years ago!
it's healing to just hear some of this, even if you're not making a direct connection. when you said "ultimately to grieve it" about past trauma, that right there is where im always trying to get to.
I really like what you said about diagnosing clients. Psychology is far from an exact science and seems to twist and turn and change and turn itself inside out every few years. We probably do need diagnoses so that we can understand each other but we should regard them with a healthy scepticism. A lot of psychologists hand out diagnoses like lollipops - "You've got borderline personality disorder," "You have social phobia," "You're schizotypal!" From that moment on, both client and therapist see everything through that prism, which is often very limiting and counterproductive.
I’m so happy to have my therapist. She challenges hard but without being challenged, I probably wouldn’t be making any progress. She’s kind and validating while doing so as well. I seriously have made so much progress with her (definitely not where I want to be yet but it’s a slow process) that I wanna tell my therapy office to give her a raise haha.
Hey Daniel you explain very well what is behind the scenes of psychotherapy, and reveal the secrets none of them wants uncovered. Great stuff, I agree on 99% of what you say. Just one thing needs to be clarified: it's not about 'diagnosing' for the sake of it (that only serves insurance and the psychiatric team, with the stigma that comes with it), more than anything else it's about 'assessing the damage', an empowering process for the victim, that places the responsibility back to the environment. For some people getting a proper diagnosis is the starting point for confrontation of parents. What do you confront parents about, if there is no representation of the damage? The issue with the DSM and similar manuals is that there is no account for the origin of each condition. A diagnosis should sound more like "Chronic mood swings caused by lack of holding in early childhood", or at the most, it should look more like a list of symptoms that none can discuss. A proper diagnosis (which by the way ISN'T a 'label', it is a long description, sometimes 10 pages long or more) is also a legal right, necessary to get the appropriate treatment (also a right). Without a diagnosis, any 'therapist' can claim to have the training to handle a client with a condition. With the diagnosis, it's safer for the client, who will ask: "Are you trained in any scientifically validated technique to treat BPD?". If the therapist isn't, then the client will save a lot of money and time. It's a matter of truth and honesty, both sides. The stigma is a separate issue.
Agree.
As a therapist in the UK, I am forced to work privately only, due to the massive limitations , similar to those you identify , placed on therapists both within the NHS and other public sector organisations. Whilst this means that i can work effectively and congruently with the clients i see , i am also acutely aware that i am only able to offer support to those who have the means to pay for support , even with a sliding payment scale .Therapy in the UK is expensive for private practitioners to provide and funding support tends only to be available to 'evidence based practice' . The reality is that it is impossible to accurately scientifically measure the quality of a therapeutic relationship .
Isaac what limitations are these? I am currently seeing a private therapist after several poor therapies within the NHS
This is so spot on! I KNEW he was right on within the first 3 minutes.
In retrospect the therapist who didn't notice my autism for 9 years wasn't all that great. Got finally diagnosed at 41 years 😢
I had a therapist with a god complex. It was like being in a cult. She said she was the only person who could offer me help, that her technique was the only way to heal preverbal trauma. Thirty years later, I know it's not true. She capitalized on confusion and vulnerability. Four years years and alot money wasted. Not to mention trust.
Thankyou Daniel for speaking out.
We dont need psychiatrists or therapists or medication. We need to know that we have the capacity to change ,exercise autonomy, and love ourselves enough to have our own best interests at heart.
I agree. I think a lot of people get trapped in the mental health system and can't get out. We just have to have faith and reach out but not give our lives over to someone we don't know who can really hurt us. 99% of the work we should do on our own and only reach out to a mental health professional when we are in dire need.
I am a physical therapist. I look at the patient's mental health, nutrition, spiritual health, on top of the regular evaluation i perform. I can relate to and practice most of the things you are touching on. I do have to say the child thing is very layered. Especially if you are a mother. In my case, my son is.a major reason i dove into inner exploration and healing (still am) and is making me a better person overall, mother, a better physical therapist, friend,etc i am able to connect and be more present, loving,with patients and anyone i interact with. All because of my son teaching me just by being himself. I consider myself weird and radical. And i give more time to my patients and even do free sessions as most of my clients live off social security only. If i didnt have a a child i still would have been a self serving asshole who could not see beyond herself. I am still an an asshole but in a different way. A blunt and straight forward person instead of a "nice" girl.
But i get how having a child is very challenging to devote yourself to your calling. And it is definitely not easy for me. And i am still learning to balance it out. I love all of your insights. Thank you for sharing and being radically honest.
Thank you for your words at the end. It’s a good job that is true because in the U.K. there are very poor resources for mental health treatment unless you can afford to pay the extortionate amounts they charge privately.
You are genius. Thanks for being who you are, it helps me feel more comfortable with my inborn radical person I have been criticised for. Thanks
I have scoured the internet for this kind of sound advice and yours is THE BEST! I can't believe the bad advice there is out there! And how many horrible therapists there are! Mine was abysmal, omg. She violated all your said and more.
that is so true, I once had a therapist who I found to be quite invalidating, she immediately became defensive about her years of study.
"Is your therapist a radical person?" This is THE most important question swear to god. I only had one AMAZING therapist in my life and she was BOLD CONFIDENT and radical! She wasn't afraid to defend herself or to share controversial ideas even contrary to what I thought as a client! That tip to look at their website is also really good! I think I may have a lead on a therapist who is actually worth my time now!
Daniel regarding question #4: I had an acquaintance of mine who had been diagnosed as borderline and she was also in the danger of being suicidal and we had the same psychologist and the psychologist hospitalized her. But I think that the cause is that she really wanted to help and secure her, to be in a secure place (she don't even felt at that good at home by that time). So In a way it can help. Secure hospitalization and at the meantime going to the therapist to work through. I like your videos as they always raise me of some questions and criticism, too. Okay, I've listened further and yep, by going into the hospital she get to see more often her terapist as well. Soo, probably it could form a bond
Bravo! Brilliant. I'm grateful for your thoroughness & sharing your unique perspective. The world is a better place because you created these videos. Thank you.
None of mine have been good fired all of them. I would say to them “why do I know more than you”? Also why can you not answer any questions that I have. I told them ur nothing more than a RENTA FRIEND, what a joke.
Lara O'neal did you ever ask yourself what you were looking for out of therapy? Raw information you seem to be able to get on your own if you knew more then them. I want to point out I don't mean that as snark and I don't doubt you had a lot of rent a friends. Therapy is more then just an information dump and people can get caught up in trying to understand themselves and how their thoughts work they lose that knowing is only half the battle as they say. Something that could help you if you want to seek out therapy again is ask yourself what they can do for you with where you are at and clearly say it or have them help you figure it out.
Christian Wehner I’ve done my own studying and work on myself For has helped me tremendously. I did find a Christian talk show with 4 psychologists that I listened to for over 5 years and went to their seminars and read all of their books. They were wonderful. Getting my own education on my toxic family dynamic is what really helped. I believe it is me that had to the work no therapist is going to be help me unless I do the work. I of course also established no contact with family of origin and that also was wonderful, hurtful yes but I wasn’t going to go through any more abuse verbal or otherwise. The therapy industry is inept and have not done any work on themselves whatsoever I found out so why even bother with them and no empathy at all. If I would have met a Daniel that would have been the best. He is the antithesis of what I came across for years.
I can see the point you're making and agreed the work comes from the client to begin with in the therapy. Therapist should just be there for support, reflection and providing some insight when needed and appropriate. That said, I stick to the field because there are those who might not have the motivation or resources to do the work all alone. Changing ones life can be a threatening and scary idea, having someone as a support can be helpful. And for all it's faults and need for reform, leaving an industry because of it won't make things better. That's how the universities got so P.C. all the radicals left, so I languish in the hopes that when the time is right and enough people are fed up, I can help with the reformation. In the mean time, I do what I can to help my ct.'s understand themselves and their needs.
Lara, I know a little what you mean and am sorry for the experiences. But it's not the theoretical ability to know and answer that is the most important hing in a therapist, but their ability to guide you into your feeling-life, be safe with hem and in yourself, really get emotional experience of meeting your feelings, also uncomfortable things,If and heal If they are honest about their limits and give you it, and meet you in your soukls with empathy how their limits affect you, I think it is good enough..i have had better talks with ppl in 12-steps self-help groups than with therapists, and heard good ones on internet, than in my own reality. ppl are not always so strong.
I'm so thankful for your views on psychiatric drugs. I always hated it when people said "you need meds and therapy" it never helped. It blocks emotional growth I really believe that during the years that I took psychiatric drugs even if I tried to access my true feelings it was like something was stopping them.
Thank you.
Your words and way of talking are really courageous, honest, loving, caring, transparent and humble.
I am really touched by 7 and 8 points because of a recent experience with my last therapist. I faced him about our communication and he reacts as if I was not allowed to feel what I was feeling (???????)... because I should recognize him as an advanced person. I say him goodbye, he called me twice, but never return. I am still confused about this violent situation... but feeling kind of free of this very big stress before each meeting with him.
Than you again, very difficult subject to talk about :))
This is so good love it. I’m a therapist and appreciate your insight and wisdom ❤
this is deeply insightful. and courageous to say. thank you.
Wow, you are such a gem that is amazing. That’s what therapist do. They label you soon as you sit down so they can figure out what drug to give you maybe not all but most god been so great to meet you. Thank you for sharing
when i was young i was diagnosed with adhd basically because my teachers forced my parents into getting me a diagnosis. 2 decades later i randomly endet up in a therapy session (because something happened at my workplace and we all had to go) who told me i seem to behave very odd like a autist and should contact a specialist. i did and this guy was honestly telling me he believes i have autism after 15min sitting in his room (maybe 5min real talk) we went throught the standard criteria and a bunch of paper questions and the next session i got the diagnosis after answering a few real questions about me for the first time (he already prepared the results so i dont know why he even asked). i can tell you iam far away from autism. iam very close to borderline but not fully. i would like to go on therapy and work on me but not when thrapist work like this. i wish diagnosis would work with single problems/events and traits.i could easily name them and work with them with a expert in human behaviour, but studying psychology is now all about learning diagnosis and drugs. its not even scientific anymore, just a standard training. pretty sad iam male with childhood traumas, dissociation and extreme emotions (which i try to hide at all cost but would talk about with someone i trust, so definitly not a therapist). but i doubt beeing listened to when i tell a therapist i think i have borderline as a men. they just seem so incredible bad, probably believe bpd is just for women. some idiots on the internet do a better job.
I'm so sorry to hear that you had such a crummy experience. My specialty is suicidality and I've worked with a lot of folks who have BPD (or who heavily relate to the symptoms). I've absolutely worked with men with this diagnosis and I've had colleagues who completely missed it because they had the exact bias you mentioned (thinking BPD is only for women). No matter how you feel about diagnoses, telling someone they have autism after 15 minutes is absolute quackery and you were right to not trust that person! Sounds like you've got a solid gut instinct there and I hope you are able to find someone who will actually listen to you, since that's the only way we can ever be helpful as clinicians.
I LOVE YOU SOO MUCH.. i can't stress how important this is, thank you so much, make more videos, more movies, do more of what you're doing regardless of the popularity, it is super needed!
Yes indeed - always ask your guts - meanwhile I did loose interest in any therapists at all . I am learning to help myself - could write a book about all these idiots - met only one really nice and very helpful therapist in over 3 decades of searching. I am done now. Daniel, I´ve should have known you 30 years before - you are a real truthteller and I do really thank you out of the very heart of mine for your precious work for us people here.♥
In general, my gut and experience as a therapist and as a client leads me to believe (IMHO) that Daniel is pretty much on target. However, I qualify that regarding his opinion on being a parent. While I can see it could be true that a conflict of interest could exist for a therapist trying to divide their attention between clients and family (particularly when there are under-age children), ultimately, the growth that (should) take(s) place from parenting can contribute richly to the perspective and understanding of a client's situation and their needs. Therapists who have raised children have the added advantage of having integrated a parent as well as a child perspective. Attempting to limit the expansion of one's perspective rather than dealing with it does not seem like an advantage to me.
I totally agree with you, I have been a psychiatrist for 25 years. My guiding principle in my career was if you are a good human being you are a good therapist but to remain so for 25 years is terribly exhaustive. What kept me going was that God is seeing the good I am doing and he sees the pain I am taking for my fellow human and he shall reward me in this life and life afterwards. You are a wonderful human being and I love you for that and have a guaranteed approval of God. I wish you a lot of happiness and peace in your future life. God bless you.
I just wanna hug 🤗 you 😊👍💛
Therapy sounds like a really massive job.
Yup. lol
This video has helped me realize (what I think I already knew) that I do in fact have a good therapist. I don't think she's 100% according to these questions (e.g. I don't know if she always understands me or vice versa), but for sure she doesn't try to subvert my therapy to achieve her own needs; and she has actually helped bring a sense of calm to my world. Thank you for this video and giving me this insight!!
I was so damaged by a very bad friend who used her clinical studies to analyze me, and use it to control & manipulate me. ~ I kept going to clinical psychology for help, and invested years of time & tons of money, finally I had to stop because my insurance ran out & I saw it wasn’t working .. Wish you were my counselor, maybe I could have made some progress. But now, like you said, I listen to myself & care for myself .. 💙💕💘
Thank you for this, you confirmed some things I've been thinking and also gave me some new things to consider. Looks as though I'll be leaving current therapist!
This is telling me that my therapist is a really good one. He's always been more of an advocate for social support systems and exercise over medications, and I've been seeing him for almost 3 years and he's never once told me if he's diagnosed me with anything. I'm sure he has, personally in his records but he's never told me. He told me a diagnosis doesn't really fix anything and can cause people to feel labeled by it, so he believes it's less useful than actually working on behavioral changes that can make a difference. I live in Michigan so maybe it's not legally required in my state for him to diagnose me, maybe i'm just really lucky.
Good for you!! I am very much with the same line of thinking as your therapist. We have to diagnose and submit documentation due to the insurance companies and tend to go with the lowest diagnostic code possible because it is stigmatizing. I never recommend/impose medication on clients and feel the same way that diagnoses aren't helpful.
I wish you had been my therapist, you just get it. The process of breaking away from your parents is hard enough without having someone judge, pathologize or condemn you for legitimate anger. I'm done with therapists.
"It's not that simple . . . extreme diagnoses . . . "
YES!🎶😊
Look, mental health practitioners should be humble about their own therapeutic skills, as truly evidence based skill sets as it relates to psychotherapy are quite limited, both in scope and in testing quantity and validity. And yes, practitioners should also be wary of pathologizing others and seeking to medicate unnecessarily. Neuroleptics suck, but sometimes are the only solution we have right now (see Dr. Elyn Saks memoir The Center Cannot Hold).
But some of the statements in this video just go way over the top, I'm sorry.
If you have a client that is telling you, "I'm going to kill myself by jumping on the roof off my apartment building 9 stories up out into the street below during heavy traffic" (suicidal ideation with intent and plan), and you don't hospitalize said person, you might as well kiss your license and ability to practice good-fucking-bye. And the speaker knows this. Conversation over.
worked this stuff out in my early 20s after my first experiences with psychologists and psychiatrists , kept well away since,
99% of them are vicarious psychopaths.
So glad you have found your way through such a minefield of lies, deception, and abuse and survived.
So many many people need a therapist that has as much insight and compassion you do
Really good insights. For question four I almost always ask if the client has a plan. Too much to write about in this response on some approaches to suicidal ideation. I will say that what you are describing is super difficult to achieve with a client in question 4. Certainly agree that an alliance with client is the best way in my experience to team up with the client. I wish in our work we could do that more. For question 5, that’s something I have to work on quite a bit more as a therapist. I think it’s easy to describe childhood challenges and somewhat not so difficult to define with the clients help what may be going on. The exploration is the challenging part for me for a multitude of reasons which again would take too long to get into. The rest of the questions are awesome. I think the suicidal ideation is a bit tricky. I am not sure of any agency or even private clinic or our own private practice that would allow us to work with clients with suicidal ideation or clients with deep trauma the way we really want to. Look at the documentary “take these broken wings, healing from schizophrenia without medication.” 8 years to fully be able to assist a client in that documentary. It does show the deep underlying impact that life can have on us as human beings. I think it’s super helpful to give everything you can to your client and really be supportive. I also think it’s helpful when the client can move towards you as the therapist. I guess there are a lot of things in psychotherapy just like anything else. I probably resonate with about 85 percent of what you have stated in this video. For some reason, I wanted to dislike all of what you were stating. It’s kind of fun to do that in a video to make it exciting. But you made so much sense that it was almost impossible to refute any of it.
What a wonderful and beautiful human being you are, not to mention how right you are
He is so admireable. I would love it to have him as a close friend or father figure.
We all live so isolated😑
Your content gives me fucking hope Daniel. Thank god you exist.
Hi, I hope you see this. I've spoken to two therapist over past couple of years - one almost two years and other about 8 months mostly virtually due to quarantine. One of them from the very start through current time 8-months later is super casual and like i am paying to just chat and hang out. Everything is nice and civil interesting conversation but so off topic so random and all over the place conversations that have nothing to do with anything I intended when I signed up for sessions. And it is the therapist in this case who ends the session with the attitude of looking forward to hang out and chat with you next time so we can do this same random topic all over the place going no where but fun and interesting session all over again with you. You are totally right nobody talks about it. I couldn't find anything about it online. And when I tried to google topic about what about when your therapist redirects sessions with irrelevant questions and takes the client off topic the client had started speaking about I cant find anything on the topic at all. *In fact as you may expect the search result automatically flips subject around to "How to Redirect a Client who Has Gone Off Topic." The Assumption is that it is always the Client whom is going off topic and It is VERY FAULTY in some cases. ** I don't know why this therapist does this. Is it because they are just trying to get me to talk on a variety of topics to see how I think or maybe they want it to fun and easy and not exert much effort??? I did speak to them earlier in our session about 5 months ago that I would be interested in having more focus to our sessions and so forth. They claim to use CBT among other methods but I don't really see it. It's very loosey goosey. Sometimes I feel like I am more or less the therapist coach or teacher in our sessions. As It seems I am the one always attempting to tie things and themes between various tangents of questions and thoughts that they bring up together and am the one sharing insights and so forth. Which is not necessarily a bad thing if building a friendship with someone in everyday life however it is not therapy. My real issues are being absolutely ignored and non addressed. And after a session with my therapist I sometimes feel more distracted add/adhd like then before the session even if the talk was interesting. *And the other therapist I've spoken to in past two years is not quite as bad in that department but still really never tries to have any overall goals for our work together. At best it's a what do you want to talk about today? That is at best. And there is no attempt to link or remember or continue working on any particular issue from one session to the next unless I have to put in a lot of effort to remind this other therapist of details we discussed in previous session every single time. So after almost two years i feel very little progress has been made at least very little that can be attributed to the therapy. I really gave this two therapists a good run but I probably should end sessions soon. I tried to do my homework when choosing these two. They try to give you the impression that perhaps they can help you when you first speak to them but in the end it's a bust. I guess it's a step above therapist I saw many years prior while ago that use to leaving me feeling worst about my life and dwell on past after each session. However still it's frustrating and a waste of time, money and one's life .. opportunities lost to poor decisions so forth. What is it I need to do differently in finding a therapist that is really dedicated to using best practices and has the know how?
I realise that psychotherapists and psychologist get pretty sick and tired of the "worried well" moaning about their problems, but they are getting paid, after all, so is it too much to expect a little empathy and support? I went to a psychologist after trying for many years to sort out my problems on my own, so when I finally went into therapy I was overwhelmed. I cried (a single tear, would you believe?) but she just looked pained and silently handed me a box of tissues. In another session I said (somewhat self-centeredly, I admit) something like, "I sometimes wonder how my career would have gone if I didn't have all this anxiety and lack of self-confidence. Maybe I could have really achieved something." She just shook her head and said, "No, you wouldn't have." Maybe I deserved that, but it still hurt. After a few sessions, I told her I didn't want to continue with therapy. Then for the first time she got really interested in me and said I had a lot of issues that we hadn't addressed yet. I left anyway and over the next few weeks she phoned me several times, trying to get me to go back, probably because I was articulate and polite and paid on time.
Only one therapist really helped at all because that one seemed to have a little empathy, the rest of them just listened briefly, then without really getting how I felt started to give advice, like they had heard similar things before, and then they give you advice about what to do. The worst one told me to take up knitting and see a hypnotist, I wish I was making that up. It seems like what happens to people is they go through life and they can't see that anyone really knows how they feel, and the therapist should show them or teach them how to get that need met.
Yes. Paying for narcissistic abuse is not cool.
You say that a good therapist should be an expert at unpacking trauma. That's what my former therapist did, but then she encouraged me to stay in touch with my abusive dominant mother. She gave me a lot of exercises to feel my mother's love (as I see it now it was feeding my illusion that my mother cared about me). So I guess a good therapist should know not only how to unpack traumatic experience but also how to help a client separate from abusive parents.
Also she told me many times that she replaced a motherly figure for me. As I see it now this sounds pointless. My therapist didn't care about me like a mother should. She didn't help me with creating good habits, stopping my addictive behaviours, planning my finances (and she knew I often struggled to pay for the sessions). I believe it's misleading and damaging to allow clients see a mother in a therapist.
Many years ago, I went to a therapist for addiction issues, family trauma as well. It was a recommended place by someone else. Come to find out... there was a main desk, therapy rooms, then they sent you "off to see the psychiatrist" who was down the hall. It was a dull conversation. He just drilled out "any suicide attempts? any major depression episodes?" in a monotone manner. Then wrote a prescription and handed it to me. I tried to "humanize" it by discussing the picture on his desk of him and his family with a boxer dog. He said he lost the dog a few years earlier. I did volunteer work and said we had a beautiful young male boxer in our rescue that would be perfect! Of course, he at first seemed somewhat thrilled I could offer something.. then separated himself from it. So odd. Well, I ended up HATING the medication! I felt like a ZOMBIE. No sense of self. I wanted to "feel". I just dropped that place.. stopped going. They didn't seem to care.
Like your video! I have been to a therapist who can’t validate me and one is charge way more high. I should watch this video before I meet any therapist.
Don't know if you noticed this Daniel, but you are describing a "good" therapist as a person like yourself. "My way is the "right" way" - it's so difficult to think otherwise, isn't it?! :) I agree with a lot of your content, I love your vulnerability and learn a lot from it, so THANK YOU for being a genuine voice amongst the experts hiding behind masks. The only area I tend to disagree with you on is on having children. You literally step into your parents' shoes when you become a parent, and many things you found unforgivable about them, you notice within yourself and you begin to have a different level of compassion. How could anyone scream at a poor, helpless baby? Let's get you on a 24-hour watch, 7 days a week with a couple of hours of sleep at night if lucky, and let's make that schedule last for YEARS non-stop!!! Oh, and let's add no support, no reprieve but add financial and relational stress - now you will begin looking at parenthood in a very different way! Bad parents are a consequence of a systemic issue - most were raised in a dysfunctional way but also live in dysfunctional societies that neither value nor cater for the sacredness of motherhood nor the well-being of the parents and children it involves. And it begins with a woman's pregnancy being treated as a medical illness.
Until you have children you will have only ever related to a family system as a child - you will have never had the opportunity to experience yourself as the parent within the family system and that is a useful viewpoint to have (not necessary but useful). What I found is that becoming a parent has made me a lot more vigilant about inner work. You have a little being you adore that you don't want to experience the hurt you do - so there's the motivation to change, but you also have the constant challenge, the daily tests forcing you to frequent deep breaths, shame, and guilt episodes, apologies and trying again to do better. It is a very rewarding path done consciously and with the intention to END the cycle of ancestral trauma and inherited patterns of abuse. I don't believe the solution is for the world to stop having kids and what? End civilization? I would much rather we worked on healing humans and teaching them how to be good parents while also supporting them in that act. We can then be agents for the birth of healthier and healthier humans who will hopefully create a healthier and happier civilization. . Thank you for reading. 🙏
I feel that many couples or singles need the time and experience of going within and healing traumas and then rest and recuperate in order to build new ways of helping and re-educating youth right from the start of life really Aswell😍❤️
I took a friend's advice and saw this therapist. I had been to a therapist years earlier--with good results. So why was I shaking when I first met this therapist? I convinced myself it was just fear of therapy. If figured out later that my body actually had a very simple message: RUN!!!!! And I wish I had listened.
About the second question, it's really not simple. I've been in psichoanalysis for 4 months and the therapist gave me a diagnose of bipolar personality and the drugs would be a good way for me. Since the first session, I said to my wife that my gut was feeling she was not good, but I thought it's too early to judge her job. What happened was after she gave the diagnose her tools are gone.
I ended up following my gut and stopped therapy. After that, it's been 50 days since I got out of depression when I started looking at my inner child, and the best one, without any type of drugs.
I’ve had a lot of therapists in the past that became defensive, mean and blaming, if I tried to confront or tell them nicely that I don’t agree with or felt mistreated..
I don't agree with some things you said, but I think it's really important to see this perspective, and mind opening seeing this comment section.
Daniel you are simply extraordinary and a beautiful soul. Ohhh I am learning so much. Thank you, thank you kind sir. I hope things are going well. 🙏🏽
The trial and error of selecting a therapist is expensive and time consuming.
When youre poor you get nothing. Seen a provincial provided therapist who recommended me to a psychiatrist only a few sessions in.