This is why I don't generally like those short clips on youtube where parents deliberately provoke the child to cry just to get a reaction which they record and then post on youtube. And the parents are laughing while the child is crying. People say oh, don't be soo uptight, the baby is fine, ts just a short video...but what messages are being sent regularly to the child's brain? That my pain is a very good source of entertainment for my parents?
Exactly!!!! I feel this very deeply, and the baby and young child's facial expressions convey shock, confusion, distancing from the situation, dissociating and observing the parent. It's insane, cruel, extreme utter selfish immaturity at work in the narcissist!!!
I experienced chronic domestic violence/abuse in my childhood.. I remember every single year, my school report cards had a note from each teacher saying how I was always "daydreaming" .. nobody picked up on the signs.
I was yelled at as therapy. I never liked school cause I was bullied a lot. What did you do to get that bully's attention?, I would hear. The teacher told me to do my math assignment but I didn't know addition or subtraction. The kid next to me said just put down any number, that's what he told me. It took a while for my parents to find the problem, but by then I was the stupid kid. Now the world can kiss my ass. I don't care anymore and the family court system can go to hell for making money with abused children. It's been going on so long that there is no way I believe them anymore. I wish I had a metoo.
I'm 38 and grew up in a "normal" well off family with my own parents. The worst maybe is that I wasn't even allowed to feel that what was really going on is not normal. I cried during this whole video because I recognize myself completely. I do my healing work every single day to be able to attach more securely. Thank you.
As an adult who was traumatised as a child I can honestly say it has been a very long journey to get to where I am now and I’m so happy I made it this far and beyond. Life has been a tremendous struggle whilst trying to figure things out. It’s become a bit of a life’s work and I hope soon that I will be able to help others also through offering support, healing and information.
@@nargesganjloo393 hi, "when father and mother reject you , The Lord will take you up" i recommend you get adopted by God. read the new testament of the bible and jesus is God's adoption agent. he will give you the holy Spirit as an inner guide. "unless a man is born again he cannot see the kingdom of God" Jesus said.
Abused children become broken adults and parents. Both my parents were abused as a child and have limited capacity for empathy or capacity to care for others. Yet they have 5 kids while hoarding resources, manipulating others and their children to do their biddings, put themselves first before their kid, offered no comfort or empathy. What they taught their kids is that the world it cruel and it starts with the family environment. Broken adults become narcisstic and shouldn't have children.
That seems to be common, yes, but it is not true in all cases. When I had my son, my thinking was ‘Right, the buck stops here.’ We had our ups and downs and obstacles to tackle (eg. he was diagnosed Autistic) but the big difference is that I love him and he knows it. It helps that I know that he loves me too. People say things like he is a credit to me and like him as a person. I have a lot of respect for him and enjoy his quirky personality. He does not suffer the anxiety/depression/phobias/self identity issues I did, and he has not had to suffer the physical and emotional abuse I received from my parents. He is 26 now and is setting up his own business as a videographer. I think that it helped that we both have a reasonably high level of intelligence; this is not something I had around me growing up.
Individually , regardless of age or details , it's not a competition first of all, personally everyone exists period , therefore means it's impossible to be LESS OR MORE THAN ANOTHER LIFE ,OR ANOTHER INGREDIENT in which is how ANY OF IT EXISTS IN THE FIRST PLACE.. . Which is why the place called soul , the center of your life force is part of this entire cosmic existence , which also includes all , even what defined as BAD WRONG , ETC .. without one tiny teeny molecule throughout microcosm macrocosm inside throughout and back again .. known AND UNKNOWN.. says the existence of u IS NOT JUST EVEN POSSIBLE TO BE LESS THAN , NEITHER IS ANY OTHER ... it's not simple to wrapped one's mind and guarded heart space and journey of what became comfort in the places they were harmed but I personally know that is possible from my own experiences, ok also I won't claim to be ANY COMPARTMENTALIZED BEING due to perception of others . I'm not rejecting the reality .. but I don't FIT ANYWHERE based on singular details concepts that force suffocation and more rejection of self continued madness. Being willing to recognize AND TO FIND COMFORT IN HUMILITY , AND GRATITUDE FOR BLESSINGS IN DISGUISE THAT EXIST AS WELL.. I KNOW YOU KNOW OF YOUR OWN EXAMPLES OF BLESSINGS IN DISGUISE .. ... I'M not saying these things to cause you to feel rejected judged . Perception is another way to describe judgment if you really think about it.. just sayin.. but in a nutshell I'd sincerely share with you infinite love light in this life and every single life before and and after... it's NOT ABOUT WHAT COMES FROM THE OUTSIDE OF ONE'S SELF... IT'S THAT LOVE OF SELF ... entitled to be done FOR US ...BY OTHERS .. justification throughout every corner as well is the perpetual LIE ... which began and absolutely served purpose and wasn't concerning .. until it eventually reached the point crossing into the EXCUSE REASONS WHY THIS OR THAT. I sincerely couldn't know shit if not through THE SHOES OF WHICH MY OWN AND OF OTHERS .. humidity is worth it , blessings in disguise , gratitude actually EXISTS it's not some vocabulary word or definition found in dictionary.. it's a freaking REAL EXPERIENCE.... . that being said please know this is not all even remotely shared from someone having all her shit together... infact the way words are defined and it's easily one word that can hook someone to the point of madness , SELF proclaimed SELF destruction and then feeding into others vice versa. . . There's 1 in control of this narrative you believe nobody cares about adults etc. Well then I ask,, when would that be something YOU ARE DOING?? because consumed by such perception it's definitely not going to be your caring about others up to those same standards you're gripping to. . .. . Your not alone.. sincerely.. . But ee need to stop ABANDONING OURSELVES ... BASED ON THE SURROUNDINGS AND SHIT FROM OUTSIDE OF US INDIVIDUAL .. .
Having some kind of therapy throughout my life, anyone who showed me some kindness, to enemies should "turn you around", but didn't see the result they wanted, would become angry saying I was (whatever applied at the time).
Thank You so much for this validation! My life is a history of being bullied and never being able to move ahead-- Develpmental Trauma. I am 60. The people who abused me "wanted me to be healthy", BUT "NEEDED ME TO BE SICK". Munchousen Syndrom by Proxy.
How the hell can you "turn to others for help and joy" when you have been betrayed and have no one to turn to? A solution that is impossible is not a solution.
I agree, and that is why I responded eagerly to God. He has changed me. He is always here, and always loves, surprises me with wisdom and healing and has taken my pain by helping me forgive. I couldn't do it. I was too controlled by pain. He took the pain. I am not caught in a cycle of flashbacks, anger, withdrawal and shame. I am loved. Turn to Jesus Christ!
The self, in reality , beyond the SELF feeding on what was eventually comforting ... accountability , choosing to either continue grasping outside of yourself , and pointing , shouting blaming , and whatever , is infact choice as is the slightest shift in another direction .. it's going to be part of life to have experience of all kinds .. including the one's which perpetuating madness and SELF sabotage victimhood , self entitled demands ,acts etc perhaps another course be better than that chosen self misery seeking company madness mentally everyone has felt at some POINT in THEIR own individual ways , that aren't gonna be carbon copies of yours or mine NOR DO THEY EVER HAVE TO BE... to give them all as equal value and Worth as your own ,or my own etc. That be like well this person isn't having to do this and I did or whatever or say that I was molested when I was four okay say that I went in the direction in which perpetuated that and became a monster after being as a victim and having that madness have consumption of my entire existence and what that perpetuates it's it's like an infestation that takes over in in a matter of very very very very very very little amount of time if any time at all in fact however this example Mayfield a type of of way, which it's not at all the intention to where it causes you to feel attacked or accused either. That's the choice of you to to absorb it to understand it to really take by the and how that feeds what we feed it and it takes our own individual actions and behaviors and and willingness to choose what seems impossible yet it is simple and right on the other side of those choices were the fear is based and the discomfort and what have you are where magic is waiting..and yes I understand how it can seem so brief f****** ridiculous in a sense or in a lot of senses but there again s*** talking something before even understanding it which would include knowing it seems a lot more ridiculous.
Thank you for explaining this. I craved love, but when offered love, I pushed it away and never trusted.... always looking for the neg. I was exposed to a lot of violence and trauma events before the age of 3.5 years old when I was adopted. And more trauma events from then and up to now at age 52 years old. Currently in my life right now, I've truly been trying to heal each of those trauma events and find and keep some form of happiness for myself so I don't remain stuck in a chronic - loop of complex PTSD. I also live with horrible, chronic pain with my lower spine, pelvis, hips, ADHD, anxiety, a bit of OCD and deep depression. I take medications for all and I've had back surgery that didn't help. Sometimes I take one hour at a time. I wish you all peace in your life and if you haven't been told lately, YOU MATTER & I LOVE YOU. -Diana.
Sometimes an hour never seems to end. All of my memories are bad or horrible. I push people away..I can't connect with ppl..I think of myself as a stuck zipper. Can't move either way. Just accept that this is as good as it gets & spring is almost here!
Have you forgiven the abuser(s)? I have found that my life got dramatically better when I asked God to help me forgive. The triggers caused deep pain at any given moment. Flashbacks involved not less but MORE pain than at the event. This is torment! But, although I COULDNT forgive, (I verbally forgave, but my heart was blocked), when I begged God to help, He did! Immediate relief. No more staggering pain! Miraculous! I recommend God, He is able and willing!!! 😊
Learning to trust myself is where it’s at because I couldn’t trust adults they where dangerous ( my parents) and peers bullied me teachers where not helpful so as life went on I learned to mistrust anyone I trust animals the only creatures I trust are animals not people again I’m learning to trust myself
You spell it out so well...however no one ever came to help and it was as if I was in a world that I was told I made up. Its nice to have a sense of validation via your presentation
Dan, thank you for helping share this dire and tragic information. Nothing is ever mentioned how this level of abuse destroys lives. Wellness begins by sharing the foundation of abusive behavior. Thank you. Why are parenting skills NOT taught in schools.
Cause they work for the family court system that's why I had peer helper class I was told in school not to talk about it outside of school. They taught me BS so I would be easy pickings by the time I tried to raise a family.
Our current society is not based on the needs of society and the human beings in it. This society is based on old ideas that go unquestioned. My ideal society is structured around taking care of each human from inside. Current flow is mindless current to produce the maximum amount of goods so we can make money to buy goods. The cycle repeats and eventually leads to the break-down of the humans in them (currently estimation 40% adolecents have mental illness or health issues). We are not working with human being's natural tendencies and needs. As an analogy we are putting a whale on desert and wondering why it is dying. The structures are artificial and unnatural for the needs of the human species.
Now I know why I cannot seem to ever enjoy / be at ease with life like others (blocked care and blocked attachments in the foster home). Years of counselling never helped.
Robert, I am sorry to hear your sad story and your current suffering. You might find some relief from body-centered therapies. For more info read "The Body Keeps the Score." Take care! Debbie
@@grace2excell I notice you've replied in every comment with either the symbol here, or a "Yes". Are you a "bot", paid by some company or what? Just curious.
For 17 years, I work with sexually abusive youth, who often live in residential facilities. I now have listened to this talk full three times, and it seems to me that it reflects most of what I know and do to help them. Thank you so much for recording this! Specifically, I am under the impression that currently there is an emphasis by funding organizations on speed, timetables, documentation, and behavioral control in relation to difficult children, which makes it much more difficult to stay curious, playful and relaxed with these kids. Furthermore, the idea that behavior can change sustainably without a significant relationship is rather destructive and widespread. How much frustration is caused by this idea, when ultimately it doesn´t work. Here the ideas and knowledge of Dr. Hughes are nourishing and supporting, and they make understandable why it is so difficult and time consuming to help these kids.
What is being discussed in the video, is what I experienced as a child. I wasn’t given care. I was the care giver to my Biological parents. This is my what I am now dealing with, now that I am 62 years old. I feel like my life is just beginning. I was left with abusive foster parents from the age of 3 to 5 years old. I was left alone a lot. I was deprived of emotional support and frequently intimidated. Now it’s time to unravel my story
A tricky issue I'm curious about is how to work with a carer who had a rough childhood and developed avoidant or anxious/ambivalent attachment styles, particularly in relation to coping with blocked trust and subsequent blocked care. This is especially challenging when the well-intentioned motivation is to give the foster/adoptive child a better life compared to their own. However, underneath this, part of the carers motivation is to be loved (by the child) and for them to have a successful relationship . The specific challenge relates to a) the carers poor relationship skills arising out of their own trauma and resulting attachment styles which make it difficult to connect with the child (or anyone), b) the childs rejection triggers their trauma and attachment issues (carer feels unlovable and a failure reinforcing their early trauma). Does the supportive professional / peer need to use PACE with the carer in this instance and is this different from how a carer / professional uses PACE with a child??
I am a foster carer, so much of what is in this video is my foster child, who is learning to trust and show emotions, so rewarding. Thank you for a great video.
Kassondra Ola I am a person who as a emotional abuse from seeing my mother hit by my dad and a lot more to the story there is a lot of things but I didn't find out till later on but I think it is impossible thirty years in to life and it still damages my mind and ability to really connect particularly with women
When most of the people the child has known have been hostile, they think everybody will be like that, and push away kind people who want to help. Therefore it is difficult for them to form relationships and develop social skills. It can take a long time to realise not everybody is hostile.
I say as an adult let me help myself I’m in therapy for trauma and it’s my responsibility and respect that I may take a long time to trust or warm up to someone I’m not going to be hurt so I’m not rushing in I do have to be cautious and I am going through a lot healing it’s not easy so don’t expect me to be like someone who hasn’t been through trauma don’t expect me to act like what statistics say either I’m not a criminal I’m not manipulative I don’t have alterior motives I’m full of empathy and I deserve to be treated as the person I am not a statistic and I don’t want to be accused of or punished for what I’m not or haven’t done I don’t play games I simply am sick of problems and I don’t want to go near people I cannot trust I have a right to not trust anyone right away
Respect that child ... God knows he or she's never been respected in their life. Start there. If you can't do that and all you want to do is discipline them ... then do both you and them a favor and stay away from them. You will only do more harm and convince the child no body really cares. It never ceases to amaze me the person taking care of the kid gets to have a TEAM of people to help them but the kid gets stuck with one or two strangers who probably has no clue what he or she has had to cope with "on their own" and now they have to follow orders from someone else they can't get away from or keep happy . Where is their team? I don't know. It is horrifying to me. YES, this is exactly what that child OR adult is thinking. Trust me when I say they know for a fact who cares and who don't.
That was spot on for me! I still feel like this as an adult tbh. Mental health providers have supervisors and professional bodies and colleges to ask for help. I couldn’t even get a dietitian to make me a meal plan because they refused to treat me because of my mental illness. I feel constantly abandoned by doctors, although I’m very grateful for my counsellor, but even that I had to find myself and self fund.
Tanja J they aren’t making you not respect them, they have attachment trauma because their care givers hurt them. They are testing you to see if you are safe. It’s nothing to do with the adult there now and everything to do with being traumatised. Respect and consistent boundaries will win them over. I think it took me about 5 years to attach to my husband and he still triggers me 10 years into marriage but we constantly have to not take it personally and see we are both imperfect. Kids can’t do that so the adult has to do it for them so they can learn it safely. Otherwise that child will get in abusive relationships their whole life because that’s all they know how to deal with. They have no coping skills for normal or healthy.
I would never say a child can only ever destroy, a psych told my brother he will only ever be avoidant because that’s his personality now and he believed that so much that he doesn’t even try and is resigned to never changing. It’s evil, anyone can change, no matter what they have been though. They just need consistent love, boundaries and a lot of time!
It’s true trust is broken by family and as life goes on we meet more bad people and harmful circumstances and trust is out the window you become so frightened and hurt that you don’t trust anyone
Love, you are very precious still. I'm impressed by you to never broke any laws. Keep loving your younger sister and protect her from your dad, you can make a report to hotline. Please take care of yourself to keep your body strong, that way your brain will be strong and clear. You are loved, dearly.
Thank you Dan for sharing the learning . I hope this becomes available for carers at the beginning of my journey ( we adopted two boys living with the long term consequences of abuse and neglect). It really helps understand the dynamics, to reduce blocked parenting..
As a counsellor, I have seen many abused as children, unable to trust, or belief in wholesome relationships...naturally...but if they work on their identity, and allow their inner emotional hurts to be shared alongside being better 'placed' with understanding so they grow beyond the abuse that is a start.
I can relate in so many levels, as someone's recovering from deep wounded relational trauma and in my attempts to support some family members that still só frozen and unable to receive any care. Thank you very much
My depression and anxiety were "treated", but none of this. Most ppl, who meant well in the beginning, ended up trx me with coldness, because I didn't respond the way they had anticipated.
When I was bullied as a child I started to exhibit symptoms like this. It's unsettling seeing a large portion of your life laid out as a case study. o.O A.G.
when your whole life is a mental illness and not much more than that it is definitely unsettling. that is why i blocked it out of my mind when i woke up and realized it...and that is why i think its better for my mother who is now 61 to not go to to therapy bc she will realize everything bad that she did that messed up my familys life is just because of a mental illness that could have easily predicted the outcome of all of our lives. she never got treatment and now post menopause her symtpoms are less now so it doesnt even matter to get treatment now or not. its really really sad that there are so many peoples lives out there who are affected so negatively by mental illness.education is key. i was able to use online resources to understand my mother and my own mental illness and i am glad to know that at least I will have a chance to live a normal life
I'm sorry to hear about your mother. I'm sure she tried her best to manage your family while being unable to see past the hang-ups she had. In regard to the attachment trouble I've had, it's not my whole life, just like attention deficit hyperactivity disorder isn't someone's whole life. If anything I was healing from it and allowing myself to have a better life because of it... though I still take a break at parties to let myself relax. A.G.
AussieGriffin yes! It's like being turned into a "thing". Like your a science experiment freak.Everyone has things they are working on. Even the "experts".
@@vipermad358 generational trauma is the toxin most widely spread; the real pandemic. World needs awareness, education and support. And a hellofalot trauma therapists
I have bpd from abandonment issues of divorced parents among other things, ironically people who hear I have bpd also abandon me. Thankfully I've learned to be self sufficient and self comforting and don't actually need much from life or people.
Dude, your mic is alive. It's breathing! Jokes aside, that is the most complete answer I had about effects of "perceived parenting betrayal", what withdraw really means and why some people just can't take love. This is also so useful for the job I am trying my luck on, Nursing. Thanks to you guys now I've got lots of content and books to try to shove into my brain to understand better a subject that fascinates me
this is the most helpful video I have seen. i have realised one year ago that my parents are narcissists and they abused me for yrs. i think that my brain is broken; i have amnesia and i don't learn from my experience, so i keep repeating the same mistakes
Exactly. Also even the children are not disordered, traumatized etc parents need support. It takes a village to raise a child is the truth. Adults need care. Most normal people are not fully mentally balanced individuals any way, carrying their own traumas and triggers for them. Also the care for the other children, siblings suffering in the hands of these kind of siblings.
Trauma is so horable bc it also carries on thru cycles. If not broken gets passed on to your own children and then to theres. This should be somthing they teach in grade school insted of some of the other stuff they teach😳. Lets brake the cycles!❤
educate yourself. use online resources and begin to find ways to be okay. richard grannon on yt is good source. there are many others. i can relate to this video through my diagnosis of borderline personality.work on yourself and you;ll be able to live the life that u want
Neglect Physical & Emotional also Has to Do With “Trust Issue’s” You Don’t Know who You can Trust It lasts a Lifetime sadly From the Early Neglect and It develops into insecurities .and Emotional issues too. Over time and years. I was Severely Neglected as a Tiny Baby. Even Many YEARS Of Therapy Haven’t Really Helped Me with The Issues I’ve Suffered from. I’ve got Both “severe Anxiety “ and I’ve also got “Severe Social anxiety” And “Depression” Too. That’s what I’ve Been Diagnosed with. And “THE TRAUMA NEVER GOES AWAY”
I recommend trauma focused therapy and afterwards DBT/CbT group therapy. This type of trauma created BPD for me. It’s issues regulating emotions. It’s semi twin cousin is Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Very similar and both from early trauma/abuse/neglect in infancy through childhood
Great advice. Now all I need to do is move to Canada, or literally ANY OTHER INDUSTRIALIZED COUNTRY so I can get therapy that I can not afford in the USA.
wow this is so helpful and detailed. im 52 years old and struggling with childhood wounds. its amazing to know there is an adult in the world that gets what is going on with such deep depth. is there a way for adults to access your help/research?
@@henriettaatkin1968 i meant in an a non cognitive way. a personal/experiential/attachment way/face to face way. information is for the head. experience is for the heart. wisdom and healing are integrating information and experience with people who know how to help and utilize people and their adverse experiences. im not against books but we need more
The thing about foster care is that no matter how good it is, children can't really feel they belong properly while they're always worried about being moved on again. I was a temp for some time and, I think, it's probably a little bit similar in that you can't get too close to anyone because you know you're going soon. Even though I would be back time and time again to the same places, seeing the same work colleagues, I still had to keep a distance because it would have made it harder to leave.
But what happens when this traumatized child was neglected and grows up to be an adult? How do you help heal the mistrusting adult version of the trauma child? Is there emotional recovery for them? I need help on how to better love adult boyfriend/best friend who exhibits the same behaviours of early childhood trauma.
Ca Bo Speaking as an adult traumatized former child, words don't comfort us. I think the key is in simple things. Haircuts, backrubs, hugs, walking together, etc. I'd generalize anything physical except cuddling/sex was a dead end in my experience. So 50/50 cheesy romance and general grooming. Tell me if it works yeah, this is just my intuition at work
@@ResilientME I was also traumatized and completely disagree with you. Stop saying "us" when you mean "me." You do not speak for me, or other traumatized adults. Speak for yourself, only.
In my mid-30s my brain is stuck in this EY developmental trauma even after a 2 years of attachment-based therapy. I am more aware but feel like I have been fucked over. So hard to trust, I’ve always had to rely on myself
At 70 years of age, I wish a good psychologist had been around when I was young. Alcoholic parents who divorced when I was 10 years old. I attended ACOA as an adult, which was helpful but...not therapeutic. I've been "researching" childhood trauma/attachment issues, narcissistic abuse and abandonment issues, people pleasing etc., etc. for 12 years, since I've had emotional injuries from covert narcissists a few times since 2005. I've lost several friends mostly because I've become more assertive as far as not allowing verbal abuse and self centered people with a lack of empathy. This is a nice webinar and if I had the opportunity to have a trauma informed, attachment oriented counselor years ago, I would be a completely different person today.
There's a LOT of similarity between the mindset of a child with attachment issues and symptomology of Borderline Personality Disorder for which such issues could well be a precursor. I can certainly see where one led to the other for me, so this lecture is extremely helpful. Thank you so much.
Tamara Jessup It seems that the theory behind personality disorders is that the person suffering has attachment issues...but only if you dig deep into researching the illness. Treating developmental trauma should be the first thing that comes up when BPD is diagnosed, imo.
richard grannon spartan life coach on youtube saved my life. check his content out esp on cptsd and abuse richard grannon spartan life coach on youtube saved my life. check his content out esp on cptsd and abuse
I saw my parents fighting since I remember myself. And my father was absolutely distant guy. I haven't talked to my father since 13 years old. Only by 36 years old I got rid of my major issues. Other people can do that too, they just need to stop blaming parents and be ready to face and accept inner fears and be ready to work on them constantly. It's hard, sometimes unbearable, take years to reaolve, but doable. And it makes you an amazing person in the end.
@@proshacot wow thank you for this. How did you get out of the 'victim' mindset? I feel I'm stuck in a state of always blaming the people who did this to me... How do you get empowered and take your life back? What you said really made sense.
@@ameliel8792 I realized that my father was trapped in a pattern created by his own parents - dominating and cold mother and submissive father. He probably has never been loved as a kid and never saw loving and caring relashionship between his parents. So he did not know how to love, care and express love. But first and foremost, he did not love himself. I finally realized that his behavior has nothing to do with me. I don't need his validation to be beautiful version of myself, give love to other people and raise my future kida. I'm even grateful to him for such a tough experience 🙂
As I said as an adult the only person you have to protect you is you some of us as children that didn’t get caring parents that where violent have no one but us and we don’t also all become statistics when dealing with adults remember that we are individual and we dont all have brain abnormalities and we don’t have to be treated like we are all criminals or have behaviours we don’t not all survivors are the same we don’t all react the same we are all individuals each person and each case of trauma is different
I love my sister very much and see why she did what she did therapy taught me that it’s the hero child she was the hero I was the scapegoat but now she’s getting all the abuse from my dad now that I got in childhood
Very interesting, though I strongly disagree with the early sweeping comment that psychotherapist would generally see all traumas as the same. In Psychotherapy there is a huge focus on early years trauma (particularly in relation to parents) and the impact of this into adulthood. Don't forget that Bowlby developed attachment theory and was a psychotherapist!
Misplaced Mistrust: If a child finds themselves having too much fun with a carer, they might later sense this activity as betraying their birth parents.
Most of the signs describe me, all of them actually. So what's better for self led recovery doc? Embracing the desire to shun comfort & pleasure or to push yourself into it? I've tried both but flip flop often enough that neither tactics had a fair shot. Whatever I try I feel motivated for the first week then revert to my usual meh attitude
Just have a 9 weeks experience as Foster caregiver ..as mother to a 4 years old girl.. very stressful . She has a very insecure attachment to caregiver. Can not sleep good at night, crying and scream , come to us 3 or 4 time in a few nights.. at the day you have to been seen be heard from her. Not allowed you to be away for a few minutes. She can not play alone, can not really play with you any games, can not concentrated on games, reading etc.. a story being heard 4-5 time, can not tell what happened in the stories... very cling and needy, always looked for physical contact, your attention.. crying a few time a day, urinate in pants a few time a day.. I tried everything I can, all loves I can give, all playful Programm from morning to 20 at evening.. she got everything she needs to grow up, but she is there , she is not there! I was so frustrate during these weeks.
This is a fantastic resource for parents and therapists alike. Clear non judgemental. Resourcing oneself is important. If I’m loved / resourced then I can be more present in challenging scenarios. Thank you.
With Reactive Attachment Disorder, it almost always happens when a child is removed from their first attachment figure. I imagine it as a child being taken from its mother and then given to another woman and told, "this is your mother now". An infant or a toddler doesn't know much yet, but they know one single thing, who their mother is. Imagine the distress of being told that you don't know the one thing you do know. Of course the kid is going to throw a fit and reject the substitution.
My child is dissociated from being traumatized in public school by malicious malevolent women who ran a smear campaign on a child. It was a mob of women running to the principal behind the child's back engaging in back biting. Then collusion that resulted in the teachers she was attached with to treat her with disrespect as well as ignoring her. It was devastating. No teacher would answer any questions. I complained about a teacher who verbally assaulted her in front of 6th 7th and 8th grade students. A screaming shaming verbal attack that terrified my child. The complaint was answered by the principal of the school stating the child caused the teacher to explode. I requested to meet with my child's teachers and was told to come back the next day. When I came back the police were there and I was told I would be arrested if I speak to any teachers. I was accused of harassment which also was not true. My child answered a question truthfully in a normal tone and the teacher went nuclear on her screaming.
You just explained my relationship with my ex to a T. I could tell he was extremely neglected during his childhood because he abandoned his child and moved to a new relationship just like that. Just found out his a covert narcissist, but i too was neglected as a child but healed as an adult especially because I became a mother of 2 kids I teach my children empathy and love and all the things that wasnt given to me , I give those kind things to my kids to raise healthy kids.
Thank you very much, It is really informative and explain slot of puzzle i live in for along time , i hope i can find solution for this, God bless you.
I was just diagnosed with this..and ptsd....after girlfriend of 8 yrs moved back to her abusive manipulating alcoholic mom, with no goodbye, no communication what so ever..she was great at procrastination and raging .been doing emdr and it's been hell. Never cried so much, very debilitating. Not one part of my 54 yrs hasn't been effected, especially in relationships. I'm working on better boundaries for myself. We got along great until her dad passed from heroine overdose 3 yrs ago. 8 yrs down the tube. Of course she started dating 5 days after she got back to Florida...poor fella.
How I wish that I had seen this video a few years ago when we were fostering! It answers so many questions that I was searching out! Thank you! This video needs to be in the hands of social workers, foster parents and caregivers.
Your taught you shouldn’t wish for or crave friendships or relationships because it means your not self reliant this is what therapy teaches us and truly as survivors some of us don’t have any social support and some of us are bullied on top of it and I waked into danger by abusive friendships and my sister was and is very competitive she would hurt herself and say I did it to see me attacked and she would gain sympathy from my mom she was always the hero and is manipulative still she also puts me down regularly my sister does and it’s because she wanted to smash me down to get love she is competitive and I’m the submissive
I really have to not comment we are all trying to make sense of things so please forgive the comment as a survivor of child abuse I do my best every day it’s all I can do is keep trying
This is why I don't generally like those short clips on youtube where parents deliberately provoke the child to cry just to get a reaction which they record and then post on youtube. And the parents are laughing while the child is crying. People say oh, don't be soo uptight, the baby is fine, ts just a short video...but what messages are being sent regularly to the child's brain? That my pain is a very good source of entertainment for my parents?
What? I can’t believe it!
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Exactly!!!! I feel this very deeply, and the baby and young child's facial expressions convey shock, confusion, distancing from the situation, dissociating and observing the parent. It's insane, cruel, extreme utter selfish immaturity at work in the narcissist!!!
I experienced chronic domestic violence/abuse in my childhood..
I remember every single year, my school report cards had a note from each teacher saying how I was always "daydreaming"
.. nobody picked up on the signs.
Mern Iez I was a daydreamer too! 😍
Me too. For the same reasons. They took me to see a doctor but he dismiss the symptoms
I was in same boat. I was even voted most likely to daydream little did they know i was a survivor of childhood sexual abuse.
Me too
I was yelled at as therapy. I never liked school cause I was bullied a lot. What did you do to get that bully's attention?, I would hear.
The teacher told me to do my math assignment but I didn't know addition or subtraction. The kid next to me said just put down any number, that's what he told me. It took a while for my parents to find the problem, but by then I was the stupid kid.
Now the world can kiss my ass. I don't care anymore and the family court system can go to hell for making money with abused children. It's been going on so long that there is no way I believe them anymore. I wish I had a metoo.
I'm 38 and grew up in a "normal" well off family with my own parents. The worst maybe is that I wasn't even allowed to feel that what was really going on is not normal. I cried during this whole video because I recognize myself completely. I do my healing work every single day to be able to attach more securely. Thank you.
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As an adult who was traumatised as a child I can honestly say it has been a very long journey to get to where I am now and I’m so happy I made it this far and beyond. Life has been a tremendous struggle whilst trying to figure things out. It’s become a bit of a life’s work and I hope soon that I will be able to help others also through offering support, healing and information.
Will you help me? How did you do that? I feel i am done with life.
Bravo! You rock!
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How did you do it can you say?
@@nargesganjloo393 hi, "when father and mother reject you , The Lord will take you up" i recommend you get adopted by God. read the new testament of the bible and jesus is God's adoption agent. he will give you the holy Spirit as an inner guide. "unless a man is born again he cannot see the kingdom of God" Jesus said.
Abused children become broken adults and parents. Both my parents were abused as a child and have limited capacity for empathy or capacity to care for others. Yet they have 5 kids while hoarding resources, manipulating others and their children to do their biddings, put themselves first before their kid, offered no comfort or empathy. What they taught their kids is that the world it cruel and it starts with the family environment. Broken adults become narcisstic and shouldn't have children.
That seems to be common, yes, but it is not true in all cases. When I had my son, my thinking was ‘Right, the buck stops here.’ We had our ups and downs and obstacles to tackle (eg. he was diagnosed Autistic) but the big difference is that I love him and he knows it. It helps that I know that he loves me too. People say things like he is a credit to me and like him as a person. I have a lot of respect for him and enjoy his quirky personality. He does not suffer the anxiety/depression/phobias/self identity issues I did, and he has not had to suffer the physical and emotional abuse I received from my parents. He is 26 now and is setting up his own business as a videographer. I think that it helped that we both have a reasonably high level of intelligence; this is not something I had around me growing up.
Foster parents need to go for training before taking broken children into their homes, so their can help these children be who their where meant to be
Foster parents are trained. However, as with most things, training only makes you aware. Doing is where the real lessons are learned.
When you become an adult, no one gives a damn about your problems
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Not necessarily
Individually , regardless of age or details , it's not a competition first of all, personally everyone exists period , therefore means it's impossible to be LESS OR MORE THAN ANOTHER LIFE ,OR ANOTHER INGREDIENT in which is how ANY OF IT EXISTS IN THE FIRST PLACE.. . Which is why the place called soul , the center of your life force is part of this entire cosmic existence , which also includes all , even what defined as BAD WRONG , ETC .. without one tiny teeny molecule throughout microcosm macrocosm inside throughout and back again .. known AND UNKNOWN.. says the existence of u IS NOT JUST EVEN POSSIBLE TO BE LESS THAN , NEITHER IS ANY OTHER ... it's not simple to wrapped one's mind and guarded heart space and journey of what became comfort in the places they were harmed but I personally know that is possible from my own experiences, ok also I won't claim to be ANY COMPARTMENTALIZED BEING due to perception of others . I'm not rejecting the reality .. but I don't FIT ANYWHERE based on singular details concepts that force suffocation and more rejection of self continued madness. Being willing to recognize AND TO FIND COMFORT IN HUMILITY , AND GRATITUDE FOR BLESSINGS IN DISGUISE THAT EXIST AS WELL.. I KNOW YOU KNOW OF YOUR OWN EXAMPLES OF BLESSINGS IN DISGUISE .. ... I'M not saying these things to cause you to feel rejected judged . Perception is another way to describe judgment if you really think about it.. just sayin.. but in a nutshell I'd sincerely share with you infinite love light in this life and every single life before and and after... it's NOT ABOUT WHAT COMES FROM THE OUTSIDE OF ONE'S SELF... IT'S THAT LOVE OF SELF ... entitled to be done FOR US ...BY OTHERS .. justification throughout every corner as well is the perpetual LIE ... which began and absolutely served purpose and wasn't concerning .. until it eventually reached the point crossing into the EXCUSE REASONS WHY THIS OR THAT. I sincerely couldn't know shit if not through THE SHOES OF WHICH MY OWN AND OF OTHERS .. humidity is worth it , blessings in disguise , gratitude actually EXISTS it's not some vocabulary word or definition found in dictionary.. it's a freaking REAL EXPERIENCE.... . that being said please know this is not all even remotely shared from someone having all her shit together... infact the way words are defined and it's easily one word that can hook someone to the point of madness , SELF proclaimed SELF destruction and then feeding into others vice versa. . . There's 1 in control of this narrative you believe nobody cares about adults etc. Well then I ask,, when would that be something YOU ARE DOING?? because consumed by such perception it's definitely not going to be your caring about others up to those same standards you're gripping to. . .. . Your not alone.. sincerely.. . But ee need to stop ABANDONING OURSELVES ... BASED ON THE SURROUNDINGS AND SHIT FROM OUTSIDE OF US INDIVIDUAL .. .
Depending on others is a recipe for failure in this world. Most people are unreliable.
The child who mistrusts "good care" probably mistrusts "care" in general because his was abused or mistreated by a caregiver.
Vid Bid exactly
Vid Bid which doesnt make them a defective circus freak.
Logic 101, if stone q is grey, then other thins that present as stones are allso grey, they too are stones.
Having some kind of therapy throughout my life, anyone who showed me some kindness, to enemies should "turn you around", but didn't see the result they wanted, would become angry saying I was (whatever applied at the time).
Perhaps a coping mechanism that needs to be treated or traded out.
Thank You so much for this validation! My life is a history of being bullied and never being able to move ahead-- Develpmental Trauma. I am 60. The people who abused me "wanted me to be healthy", BUT "NEEDED ME TO BE SICK". Munchousen Syndrom by Proxy.
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How the hell can you "turn to others for help and joy" when you have been betrayed and have no one to turn to? A solution that is impossible is not a solution.
I agree, and that is why I responded eagerly to God.
He has changed me. He is always here, and always loves, surprises me with wisdom and healing and has taken my pain by helping me forgive.
I couldn't do it. I was too controlled by pain. He took the pain. I am not caught in a cycle of flashbacks, anger, withdrawal and shame.
I am loved.
Turn to Jesus Christ!
You're right, it fucks one's whole life up
The self, in reality , beyond the SELF feeding on what was eventually comforting ... accountability , choosing to either continue grasping outside of yourself , and pointing , shouting blaming , and whatever , is infact choice as is the slightest shift in another direction .. it's going to be part of life to have experience of all kinds .. including the one's which perpetuating madness and SELF sabotage victimhood , self entitled demands ,acts etc perhaps another course be better than that chosen self misery seeking company madness mentally everyone has felt at some POINT in THEIR own individual ways , that aren't gonna be carbon copies of yours or mine NOR DO THEY EVER HAVE TO BE... to give them all as equal value and Worth as your own ,or my own etc. That be like well this person isn't having to do this and I did or whatever or say that I was molested when I was four okay say that I went in the direction in which perpetuated that and became a monster after being as a victim and having that madness have consumption of my entire existence and what that perpetuates it's it's like an infestation that takes over in in a matter of very very very very very very little amount of time if any time at all in fact however this example Mayfield a type of of way, which it's not at all the intention to where it causes you to feel attacked or accused either. That's the choice of you to to absorb it to understand it to really take by the and how that feeds what we feed it and it takes our own individual actions and behaviors and and willingness to choose what seems impossible yet it is simple and right on the other side of those choices were the fear is based and the discomfort and what have you are where magic is waiting..and yes I understand how it can seem so brief f****** ridiculous in a sense or in a lot of senses but there again s*** talking something before even understanding it which would include knowing it seems a lot more ridiculous.
Thank you for explaining this. I craved love, but when offered love, I pushed it away and never trusted.... always looking for the neg. I was exposed to a lot of violence and trauma events before the age of 3.5 years old when I was adopted. And more trauma events from then and up to now at age 52 years old. Currently in my life right now, I've truly been trying to heal each of those trauma events and find and keep some form of happiness for myself so I don't remain stuck in a chronic - loop of complex PTSD. I also live with horrible, chronic pain with my lower spine, pelvis, hips, ADHD, anxiety, a bit of OCD and deep depression. I take medications for all and I've had back surgery that didn't help. Sometimes I take one hour at a time. I wish you all peace in your life and if you haven't been told lately, YOU MATTER & I LOVE YOU. -Diana.
Your problems can b solved by attending a pentecostal church where the pastor will pray for you n I know will b whole!!
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yes deliverance in Jesus name,
Sometimes an hour never seems to end. All of my memories are bad or horrible. I push people away..I can't connect with ppl..I think of myself as a stuck zipper. Can't move either way. Just accept that this is as good as it gets & spring is almost here!
Have you forgiven the abuser(s)? I have found that my life got dramatically better when I asked God to help me forgive.
The triggers caused deep pain at any given moment. Flashbacks involved not less but MORE pain than at the event.
This is torment!
But, although I COULDNT forgive, (I verbally forgave, but my heart was blocked), when I begged God to help, He did! Immediate relief. No more staggering pain! Miraculous!
I recommend God, He is able and willing!!! 😊
Never heard anything that would describe me better than this. Even with the pain coming up, it is so helpful to see and understand myself, thank you.
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I am 24 years and this information really helped me understand myself better. Thank you so much for posting this. Life saving.
richard grannon spartan life coach on youtube saved my life. check his content out esp on cptsd and abuse
Same here at 37
Also check out Bessel Van Der Koch.
26. Hope I survive this year.
Sorry, Bessel Van Der Kolke
Learning to trust myself is where it’s at because I couldn’t trust adults they where dangerous ( my parents) and peers bullied me teachers where not helpful so as life went on I learned to mistrust anyone I trust animals the only creatures I trust are animals not people again I’m learning to trust myself
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You spell it out so well...however no one ever came to help and it was as if I was in a world that I was told I made up. Its nice to have a sense of validation via your presentation
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I want to give this man a HUGE hug. I wish I had him as a parent. He's so very kind, empathetic and gentle.
le th let's make it a group hug because I'd like to hug this man too - the research he's done will help so many people!
🤗🤗🤗 He is awesome!!!!
me too
where do i sign up
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Dan, thank you for helping share this dire and tragic information. Nothing is ever mentioned how this level of abuse destroys lives. Wellness begins by sharing the foundation of abusive behavior. Thank you. Why are parenting skills NOT taught in schools.
It is critical information to share with care givers
Thank you for sharing this presentation.
Bella Krinkle is the time v
Cause they work for the family court system that's why I had peer helper class I was told in school not to talk about it outside of school. They taught me BS so I would be easy pickings by the time I tried to raise a family.
Our current society is not based on the needs of society and the human beings in it. This society is based on old ideas that go unquestioned. My ideal society is structured around taking care of each human from inside. Current flow is mindless current to produce the maximum amount of goods so we can make money to buy goods. The cycle repeats and eventually leads to the break-down of the humans in them (currently estimation 40% adolecents have mental illness or health issues). We are not working with human being's natural tendencies and needs. As an analogy we are putting a whale on desert and wondering why it is dying. The structures are artificial and unnatural for the needs of the human species.
Now I know why I cannot seem to ever enjoy / be at ease with life like others (blocked care and blocked attachments in the foster home). Years of counselling never helped.
Robert, I am sorry to hear your sad story and your current suffering. You might find some relief from body-centered therapies. For more info read "The Body Keeps the Score." Take care! Debbie
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@@grace2excell I notice you've replied in every comment with either the symbol here, or a "Yes". Are you a "bot", paid by some company or what? Just curious.
@@Eric-tj3tg i was gonna post on this too. Really annoying to just get true/yes or 😢
Robert, did you read Pete Walker's book? Complex PTSD, from surviving to thriving.
You might not have had the right therapist. Not all are CPTSD savvy
For 17 years, I work with sexually abusive youth, who often live in residential facilities. I now have listened to this talk full three times, and it seems to me that it reflects most of what I know and do to help them. Thank you so much for recording this! Specifically, I am under the impression that currently there is an emphasis by funding organizations on speed, timetables, documentation, and behavioral control in relation to difficult children, which makes it much more difficult to stay curious, playful and relaxed with these kids. Furthermore, the idea that behavior can change sustainably without a significant relationship is rather destructive and widespread. How much frustration is caused by this idea, when ultimately it doesn´t work. Here the ideas and knowledge of Dr. Hughes are nourishing and supporting, and they make understandable why it is so difficult and time consuming to help these kids.
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Yes. Profits over people controls treatment
What is being discussed in the video, is what I experienced as a child. I wasn’t given care. I was the care giver to my Biological parents. This is my what I am now dealing with, now that I am 62 years old. I feel like my life is just beginning.
I was left with abusive foster parents from the age of 3 to 5 years old. I was left alone a lot. I was deprived of emotional support and frequently intimidated. Now it’s time to unravel my story
Wishing you all the help and good fortune you need 🌻
A tricky issue I'm curious about is how to work with a carer who had a rough childhood and developed avoidant or anxious/ambivalent attachment styles, particularly in relation to coping with blocked trust and subsequent blocked care. This is especially challenging when the well-intentioned motivation is to give the foster/adoptive child a better life compared to their own. However, underneath this, part of the carers motivation is to be loved (by the child) and for them to have a successful relationship . The specific challenge relates to a) the carers poor relationship skills arising out of their own trauma and resulting attachment styles which make it difficult to connect with the child (or anyone), b) the childs rejection triggers their trauma and attachment issues (carer feels unlovable and a failure reinforcing their early trauma).
Does the supportive professional / peer need to use PACE with the carer in this instance and is this different from how a carer / professional uses PACE with a child??
I am a foster carer, so much of what is in this video is my foster child, who is learning to trust and show emotions, so rewarding. Thank you for a great video.
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This video has been VERY important for me! Feel connected, and you don't need to be orphan or in foster care
Broken kids become broken adults. How does one help an adult who suffers emotional trauma who didn't get help as a child?
Kassondra Ola I am a person who as a emotional abuse from seeing my mother hit by my dad and a lot more to the story there is a lot of things but I didn't find out till later on but I think it is impossible thirty years in to life and it still damages my mind and ability to really connect particularly with women
When most of the people the child has known have been hostile, they think everybody will be like that, and push away kind people who want to help. Therefore it is difficult for them to form relationships and develop social skills. It can take a long time to realise not everybody is hostile.
Gav Mannion I'm so sorry you went through that. I hope you do find healing despite feeling like it's impossible .
Lorraine Grant that's very true
Locke Silvrel lol
I say as an adult let me help myself I’m in therapy for trauma and it’s my responsibility and respect that I may take a long time to trust or warm up to someone I’m not going to be hurt so I’m not rushing in I do have to be cautious and I am going through a lot healing it’s not easy so don’t expect me to be like someone who hasn’t been through trauma don’t expect me to act like what statistics say either I’m not a criminal I’m not manipulative I don’t have alterior motives I’m full of empathy and I deserve to be treated as the person I am not a statistic and I don’t want to be accused of or punished for what I’m not or haven’t done I don’t play games I simply am sick of problems and I don’t want to go near people I cannot trust I have a right to not trust anyone right away
How many heroes or famous people acted in a “socially acceptable” manner?
Respect that child ... God knows he or she's never been respected in their life. Start there. If you can't do that and all you want to do is discipline them ... then do both you and them a favor and stay away from them. You will only do more harm and convince the child no body really cares. It never ceases to amaze me the person taking care of the kid gets to have a TEAM of people to help them but the kid gets stuck with one or two strangers who probably has no clue what he or she has had to cope with "on their own" and now they have to follow orders from someone else they can't get away from or keep happy . Where is their team? I don't know. It is horrifying to me. YES, this is exactly what that child OR adult is thinking. Trust me when I say they know for a fact who cares and who don't.
That was spot on for me! I still feel like this as an adult tbh. Mental health providers have supervisors and professional bodies and colleges to ask for help. I couldn’t even get a dietitian to make me a meal plan because they refused to treat me because of my mental illness. I feel constantly abandoned by doctors, although I’m very grateful for my counsellor, but even that I had to find myself and self fund.
Tanja J they aren’t making you not respect them, they have attachment trauma because their care givers hurt them. They are testing you to see if you are safe. It’s nothing to do with the adult there now and everything to do with being traumatised. Respect and consistent boundaries will win them over. I think it took me about 5 years to attach to my husband and he still triggers me 10 years into marriage but we constantly have to not take it personally and see we are both imperfect. Kids can’t do that so the adult has to do it for them so they can learn it safely. Otherwise that child will get in abusive relationships their whole life because that’s all they know how to deal with. They have no coping skills for normal or healthy.
I would never say a child can only ever destroy, a psych told my brother he will only ever be avoidant because that’s his personality now and he believed that so much that he doesn’t even try and is resigned to never changing. It’s evil, anyone can change, no matter what they have been though. They just need consistent love, boundaries and a lot of time!
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It’s true trust is broken by family and as life goes on we meet more bad people and harmful circumstances and trust is out the window you become so frightened and hurt that you don’t trust anyone
Love, you are very precious still. I'm impressed by you to never broke any laws. Keep loving your younger sister and protect her from your dad, you can make a report to hotline. Please take care of yourself to keep your body strong, that way your brain will be strong and clear. You are loved, dearly.
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Thank you Dan for sharing the learning . I hope this becomes available for carers at the beginning of my journey ( we adopted two boys living with the long term consequences of abuse and neglect). It really helps understand the dynamics, to reduce blocked parenting..
This is brilliant! I sought this out because I could feel myself beginning to “block care.” This really helps! Thank God I found this! Thank you!
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As a counsellor, I have seen many abused as children, unable to trust, or belief in wholesome relationships...naturally...but if they work on their identity, and allow their inner emotional hurts to be shared alongside being better 'placed' with understanding so they grow beyond the abuse that is a start.
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I can relate in so many levels, as someone's recovering from deep wounded relational trauma and in my attempts to support some family members that still só frozen and unable to receive any care. Thank you very much
richard grannon spartan life coach on youtube saved my life. check his content out esp on cptsd and abuse
My depression and anxiety were "treated", but none of this. Most ppl, who meant well in the beginning, ended up trx me with coldness, because I didn't respond the way they had anticipated.
That is inadequacy on their part. Sorry to hear this, Cheryl
I feel so bad for the children that lack care because of so much misunderstanding. Pray pray pray
That is kind ❤️
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When I was bullied as a child I started to exhibit symptoms like this. It's unsettling seeing a large portion of your life laid out as a case study. o.O
A.G.
when your whole life is a mental illness and not much more than that it is definitely unsettling. that is why i blocked it out of my mind when i woke up and realized it...and that is why i think its better for my mother who is now 61 to not go to to therapy bc she will realize everything bad that she did that messed up my familys life is just because of a mental illness that could have easily predicted the outcome of all of our lives. she never got treatment and now post menopause her symtpoms are less now so it doesnt even matter to get treatment now or not. its really really sad that there are so many peoples lives out there who are affected so negatively by mental illness.education is key. i was able to use online resources to understand my mother and my own mental illness and i am glad to know that at least I will have a chance to live a normal life
I'm sorry to hear about your mother. I'm sure she tried her best to manage your family while being unable to see past the hang-ups she had.
In regard to the attachment trouble I've had, it's not my whole life, just like attention deficit hyperactivity disorder isn't someone's whole life. If anything I was healing from it and allowing myself to have a better life because of it... though I still take a break at parties to let myself relax.
A.G.
AussieGriffin yes! It's like being turned into a "thing". Like your a science experiment freak.Everyone has things they are working on. Even the "experts".
@@PrincessFareeha That is why I DO NOT have children. Most parents, though well-meaning, suck at their jobs.
@@vipermad358 generational trauma is the toxin most widely spread; the real pandemic. World needs awareness, education and support. And a hellofalot trauma therapists
I have bpd from abandonment issues of divorced parents among other things, ironically people who hear I have bpd also abandon me. Thankfully I've learned to be self sufficient and self comforting and don't actually need much from life or people.
Dont need it thanks
Dude, your mic is alive. It's breathing!
Jokes aside, that is the most complete answer I had about effects of "perceived parenting betrayal", what withdraw really means and why some people just can't take love. This is also so useful for the job I am trying my luck on, Nursing.
Thanks to you guys now I've got lots of content and books to try to shove into my brain to understand better a subject that fascinates me
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this is the most helpful video I have seen. i have realised one year ago that my parents are narcissists and they abused me for yrs. i think that my brain is broken; i have amnesia and i don't learn from my experience, so i keep repeating the same mistakes
This is why it is vital to care for the WHOLE family and not just the kids
Exactly. Also even the children are not disordered, traumatized etc parents need support. It takes a village to raise a child is the truth. Adults need care. Most normal people are not fully mentally balanced individuals any way, carrying their own traumas and triggers for them. Also the care for the other children, siblings suffering in the hands of these kind of siblings.
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@@RippleDrop. one of the reasons I'm not in favour of the nuclear family
What if the child has more of an anxious attachment rather than avoidant attachment style from the trauma?
Very good vlog. Dr Gabor Mate is wonderful on this subject, if you're interested.
Trauma is so horable bc it also carries on thru cycles. If not broken gets passed on to your own children and then to theres. This should be somthing they teach in grade school insted of some of the other stuff they teach😳. Lets brake the cycles!❤
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Thank you for spelling it out. I was getting frozen and crushed.. and you have guided me past that.. and given me the tools.
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what would you advise for an adult like myself who has these issues and many have extended into my adulthood?
BL Kirk stop for our future sign this petition..
petitions.whitehouse.gov/petition/child-abuse-legally-kidnapping-and-alienation
BL Jesus has helped me to get healed . Seek his face today !!
educate yourself. use online resources and begin to find ways to be okay. richard grannon on yt is good source. there are many others. i can relate to this video through my diagnosis of borderline personality.work on yourself and you;ll be able to live the life that u want
Me too, I would not be alive if it was not for a faith, as I experienced what is described in this lecture.
Dialectical Behavior Therapy and Cognitive Behavior Therapy are likely to be helpful, as is an artistic outlet.
Greetings and blessings from sunny SW Florida. Very enlightening information. Thank you so much
Neglect Physical & Emotional also Has to Do With “Trust Issue’s” You Don’t Know who You can Trust It lasts a Lifetime sadly From the Early Neglect and It develops into insecurities .and Emotional issues too. Over time and years. I was Severely Neglected as a Tiny Baby. Even Many YEARS Of Therapy Haven’t Really Helped Me with The Issues I’ve Suffered from. I’ve got Both “severe Anxiety “ and I’ve also got “Severe Social anxiety” And “Depression” Too. That’s what I’ve Been Diagnosed with. And “THE TRAUMA NEVER GOES AWAY”
My dad was extremely abusive to me when I was a child and late teens and now he goes at my sister
Report him to police
I have never been violent I always just avoided
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I recommend trauma focused therapy and afterwards DBT/CbT group therapy. This type of trauma created BPD for me. It’s issues regulating emotions. It’s semi twin cousin is Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Very similar and both from early trauma/abuse/neglect in infancy through childhood
Great advice. Now all I need to do is move to Canada, or literally ANY OTHER INDUSTRIALIZED COUNTRY so I can get therapy that I can not afford in the USA.
@@vipermad358 Don’t bother with the U.K. The NHS is useless for mental health. Do more harm than good.
This is a great video explaining early childhood trauma. So helpful!
wow this is so helpful and detailed. im 52 years old and struggling with childhood wounds. its amazing to know there is an adult in the world that gets what is going on with such deep depth. is there a way for adults to access your help/research?
Buy his books. Or get them out from the library. Also, the work of Karyn Purvis, Dr Dan Siegel, Gabor Mate.
@@henriettaatkin1968 i meant in an a non cognitive way. a personal/experiential/attachment way/face to face way. information is for the head. experience is for the heart. wisdom and healing are integrating information and experience with people who know how to help and utilize people and their adverse experiences. im not against books but we need more
The thing about foster care is that no matter how good it is, children can't really feel they belong properly while they're always worried about being moved on again. I was a temp for some time and, I think, it's probably a little bit similar in that you can't get too close to anyone because you know you're going soon. Even though I would be back time and time again to the same places, seeing the same work colleagues, I still had to keep a distance because it would have made it harder to leave.
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What a brilliant lecture
Yes
But what happens when this traumatized child was neglected and grows up to be an adult? How do you help heal the mistrusting adult version of the trauma child? Is there emotional recovery for them? I need help on how to better love adult boyfriend/best friend who exhibits the same behaviours of early childhood trauma.
Ca Bo Speaking as an adult traumatized former child, words don't comfort us. I think the key is in simple things. Haircuts, backrubs, hugs, walking together, etc. I'd generalize anything physical except cuddling/sex was a dead end in my experience. So 50/50 cheesy romance and general grooming.
Tell me if it works yeah, this is just my intuition at work
I am one of those adults. Sorry. There is no help. At least, not in this country.
@@ResilientME I was also traumatized and completely disagree with you. Stop saying "us" when you mean "me." You do not speak for me, or other traumatized adults. Speak for yourself, only.
Valid point! Look into healing your inner child and you will find yourself healing the 'you now' alot easier. 💚
@@vipermad358 Try Neurotherapy. It really helps. It's expensive, but worth taking two jobs to afford it.
Anyone know if there’s a way to learn to play, if you didn’t have that experience before.
In my mid-30s my brain is stuck in this EY developmental trauma even after a 2 years of attachment-based therapy. I am more aware but feel like I have been fucked over. So hard to trust, I’ve always had to rely on myself
I'm very confused as to what to do in this mode. It seems like it ends in suicide, and there isn't another way around.
🥲
@@devinhinnant8217 ppl do get healed from CPTSD, so no need to despair
Thank you so much for posting this video
At 70 years of age, I wish a good psychologist had been around when I was young. Alcoholic parents who divorced when I was 10 years old. I attended ACOA as an adult, which was helpful but...not therapeutic. I've been "researching" childhood trauma/attachment issues, narcissistic abuse and abandonment issues, people pleasing etc., etc. for 12 years, since I've had emotional injuries from covert narcissists a few times since 2005. I've lost several friends mostly because I've become more assertive as far as not allowing verbal abuse and self centered people with a lack of empathy. This is a nice webinar and if I had the opportunity to have a trauma informed, attachment oriented counselor years ago, I would be a completely different person today.
There's a LOT of similarity between the mindset of a child with attachment issues and symptomology of Borderline Personality Disorder for which such issues could well be a precursor. I can certainly see where one led to the other for me, so this lecture is extremely helpful. Thank you so much.
Tamara Jessup It seems that the theory behind personality disorders is that the person suffering has attachment issues...but only if you dig deep into researching the illness. Treating developmental trauma should be the first thing that comes up when BPD is diagnosed, imo.
100percent
Again with the “vulnerability”! Setting kids up to be victims.
I am broken for life because of some of this trauma nothing physical or directly to me but more seeing fighting among my parents
richard grannon spartan life coach on youtube saved my life. check his content out esp on cptsd and abuse
richard grannon spartan life coach on youtube saved my life. check his content out esp on cptsd and abuse
I saw my parents fighting since I remember myself. And my father was absolutely distant guy. I haven't talked to my father since 13 years old. Only by 36 years old I got rid of my major issues. Other people can do that too, they just need to stop blaming parents and be ready to face and accept inner fears and be ready to work on them constantly. It's hard, sometimes unbearable, take years to reaolve, but doable. And it makes you an amazing person in the end.
@@proshacot wow thank you for this. How did you get out of the 'victim' mindset? I feel I'm stuck in a state of always blaming the people who did this to me... How do you get empowered and take your life back? What you said really made sense.
@@ameliel8792 I realized that my father was trapped in a pattern created by his own parents - dominating and cold mother and submissive father. He probably has never been loved as a kid and never saw loving and caring relashionship between his parents. So he did not know how to love, care and express love. But first and foremost, he did not love himself. I finally realized that his behavior has nothing to do with me. I don't need his validation to be beautiful version of myself, give love to other people and raise my future kida. I'm even grateful to him for such a tough experience 🙂
Should probably take any extra microphones away from wheezing mouth breathers seated offscreen so as to not detract from future presentations.
Bramble Knight omg I had to stop the video bc all I could hear was heavy breathing and nose whistles.
You guys either have amazing microphones or hearing.. i still can't hear what you're talking about
Mem lez it's pretty obvious... maybe others don't have amazing hearing but yours simply isn't that good
@@merncat3384 Didn't hear it either- until I adjusted my earplugs. Then I wished I hadn't! ^^
Please redo this video with the volume up!!!
As I said as an adult the only person you have to protect you is you some of us as children that didn’t get caring parents that where violent have no one but us and we don’t also all become statistics when dealing with adults remember that we are individual and we dont all have brain abnormalities and we don’t have to be treated like we are all criminals or have behaviours we don’t not all survivors are the same we don’t all react the same we are all individuals each person and each case of trauma is different
I love my sister very much and see why she did what she did therapy taught me that it’s the hero child she was the hero I was the scapegoat but now she’s getting all the abuse from my dad now that I got in childhood
Very interesting, though I strongly disagree with the early sweeping comment that psychotherapist would generally see all traumas as the same. In Psychotherapy there is a huge focus on early years trauma (particularly in relation to parents) and the impact of this into adulthood. Don't forget that Bowlby developed attachment theory and was a psychotherapist!
Perfect.......apart from 31.23mins in. We are humans because of PACE not being in that state makes us more robotic. In my insignificant opinion.
Wow everything you just said!!!
This is an excellent video
Thank you very much it explains alot and confirmed what I already knew plus educate me further Thank you very much
Yes👍
Wow it's like this guy's known me my entire life!
Great video except I can hear someone breathing and it’s a little distracting.
wisdom comes from suffering
Great vid very helpful though would like to have seen the somatic effects included
Misplaced Mistrust: If a child finds themselves having too much fun with a carer, they might later sense this activity as betraying their birth parents.
Most of the signs describe me, all of them actually. So what's better for self led recovery doc? Embracing the desire to shun comfort & pleasure or to push yourself into it? I've tried both but flip flop often enough that neither tactics had a fair shot. Whatever I try I feel motivated for the first week then revert to my usual meh attitude
I wasn’t aggressive I just stayed away from people therapy is helping me a lot I’m very withdrawn by nature
Just have a 9 weeks experience as Foster caregiver ..as mother to a 4 years old girl.. very stressful . She has a very insecure attachment to caregiver. Can not sleep good at night, crying and scream , come to us 3 or 4 time in a few nights.. at the day you have to been seen be heard from her. Not allowed you to be away for a few minutes. She can not play alone, can not really play with you any games, can not concentrated on games, reading etc.. a story being heard 4-5 time, can not tell what happened in the stories... very cling and needy, always looked for physical contact, your attention.. crying a few time a day, urinate in pants a few time a day.. I tried everything I can, all loves I can give, all playful Programm from morning to 20 at evening.. she got everything she needs to grow up, but she is there , she is not there! I was so frustrate during these weeks.
This is a fantastic resource for parents and therapists alike. Clear non judgemental. Resourcing oneself is important. If I’m loved / resourced then I can be more present in challenging scenarios.
Thank you.
With Reactive Attachment Disorder, it almost always happens when a child is removed from their first attachment figure. I imagine it as a child being taken from its mother and then given to another woman and told, "this is your mother now". An infant or a toddler doesn't know much yet, but they know one single thing, who their mother is. Imagine the distress of being told that you don't know the one thing you do know. Of course the kid is going to throw a fit and reject the substitution.
Wisdom comes from suffering. Play!! Don’t be so serious all the time = self care.
My child is dissociated from being traumatized in public school by malicious malevolent women who ran a smear campaign on a child. It was a mob of women running to the principal behind the child's back engaging in back biting. Then collusion that resulted in the teachers she was attached with to treat her with disrespect as well as ignoring her. It was devastating. No teacher would answer any questions. I complained about a teacher who verbally assaulted her in front of 6th 7th and 8th grade students. A screaming shaming verbal attack that terrified my child. The complaint was answered by the principal of the school stating the child caused the teacher to explode. I requested to meet with my child's teachers and was told to come back the next day. When I came back the police were there and I was told I would be arrested if I speak to any teachers. I was accused of harassment which also was not true. My child answered a question truthfully in a normal tone and the teacher went nuclear on her screaming.
Homeschooling is best if you can find a way.
Jackson Jose Miller Jeffrey Thompson Nancy
I'm 43 autistic and have had decades of abuse and trauma and now cptsd...
@SheilaLS I'm so sorry you had/have to go through this...
Really good therapy and emdr help tremendously...
I highly recommend...
😊😊😊
Sending big hugs and love your way. Hope all is well.
@@mariahh2983 Thanks, hon...you too...❤
I have actually never been in trouble with the law either
You just explained my relationship with my ex to a T. I could tell he was extremely neglected during his childhood because he abandoned his child and moved to a new relationship just like that. Just found out his a covert narcissist, but i too was neglected as a child but healed as an adult especially because I became a mother of 2 kids I teach my children empathy and love and all the things that wasnt given to me , I give those kind things to my kids to raise healthy kids.
This is fascinating. I’m learning so much. I only wish the heavy breather wasn’t mic’d 😩and that the speaker’s audio volume was turned up
Thank you very much,
It is really informative and explain slot of puzzle i live in for along time , i hope i can find solution for this,
God bless you.
Amen
An idiotic assumption, and "... they were not able or willing to do that...". One minute in. You lost me there.
Very interesting, thanks for the valuable information.
The kicker is that all of these "dysfunctions" are adaptive if one is living in a toxic environment.
Wow.
Now I know why I’m always going back to the same ol same ol.
Aaaggggghghhhh.
We need a definition of "good care" to make sense of this.
How was your childhood?and what did you learnet?
Do you tink your génération did thé best things than thé news?Thérè was an war of course... That is why you are différent in term of thoughts?
I was just diagnosed with this..and ptsd....after girlfriend of 8 yrs moved back to her abusive manipulating alcoholic mom, with no goodbye, no communication what so ever..she was great at procrastination and raging .been doing emdr and it's been hell. Never cried so much, very debilitating. Not one part of my 54 yrs hasn't been effected, especially in relationships. I'm working on better boundaries for myself. We got along great until her dad passed from heroine overdose 3 yrs ago. 8 yrs down the tube. Of course she started dating 5 days after she got back to Florida...poor fella.
My oldest son and myself physical abuse from his dad. I have got psychotherapy was not enough seeing a psychologist and talking to others helps.
How I wish that I had seen this video a few years ago when we were fostering! It answers so many questions that I was searching out! Thank you! This video needs to be in the hands of social workers, foster parents and caregivers.
Excellent insights
Your taught you shouldn’t wish for or crave friendships or relationships because it means your not self reliant this is what therapy teaches us and truly as survivors some of us don’t have any social support and some of us are bullied on top of it and I waked into danger by abusive friendships and my sister was and is very competitive she would hurt herself and say I did it to see me attacked and she would gain sympathy from my mom she was always the hero and is manipulative still she also puts me down regularly my sister does and it’s because she wanted to smash me down to get love she is competitive and I’m the submissive
I really have to not comment we are all trying to make sense of things so please forgive the comment as a survivor of child abuse I do my best every day it’s all I can do is keep trying