The Book Of noah

Поділитися
Вставка
  • Опубліковано 22 гру 2024

КОМЕНТАРІ •

  • @5PctJuice
    @5PctJuice 12 років тому +2977

    God said to Noah, "I am so angry at men."
    "You mean men and women?"
    "...Whatever."
    Gold XD

    • @niviamaeva
      @niviamaeva 5 років тому +4

      Lol lol lol lol

    • @marconatrix
      @marconatrix 5 років тому +8

      In biblical language as one authority charmingly put it, "The male embraces the female" ;-)

    • @paulhodgkinson7000
      @paulhodgkinson7000 4 роки тому +8

      And ‘they, them’

    • @Hannah-pk6iq
      @Hannah-pk6iq 4 роки тому +1

      stop repeating his lines you knob head

    • @ehhhhh596
      @ehhhhh596 4 роки тому +9

      @@Hannah-pk6iq yeah reply to a 7 years old comment, dumbfuck

  • @blakejohnson2206
    @blakejohnson2206 4 роки тому +1806

    Noah's electricity bill for the air-conditioning in the penguins enclosure must have been through the roof!

    • @Johanyohann
      @Johanyohann 4 роки тому +51

      Nah man, god has his electricity bill covered

    • @Bjrosiy
      @Bjrosiy 4 роки тому +25

      God prob cooling them himself

    • @katyungodly
      @katyungodly 4 роки тому +17

      Imagine all the food and shit they had to move lol
      Not to mention all the trees and plants 🤔

    • @Bjrosiy
      @Bjrosiy 4 роки тому +6

      @@katyungodly god just did the jesus move of making piss into wine ofc

    • @pixeled9683
      @pixeled9683 4 роки тому +3

      he supposedly had the power of god which means he wouldn't need that

  • @yaboi5893
    @yaboi5893 5 років тому +805

    I'm sitting here at 2 am listening to Ricky gervais read a children's book

  • @HoratioCanus
    @HoratioCanus 9 років тому +4568

    It most have been embarresing for Noah when he realised that he had brought two male lions with him.

    • @olliephelan
      @olliephelan 6 років тому +380

      It mustve been embarrassing for Adam and eve when they discovered thered have to be some serious incest to continue the human race

    • @shayantehrany8295
      @shayantehrany8295 6 років тому +140

      That must’ve been the first act of homosexuality in history

    • @olliephelan
      @olliephelan 6 років тому +100

      @@shayantehrany8295
      Well, probably that too.
      But Adam and Eve only had sons.
      So Able mustve gotten it on with his Mother.
      And I hope to Allah she had a girl.
      Even then, the farthest removed from incest they could go ,is ; Grandfather Adam with his grandaughter. (who's also his wifes daughter , conceived by his son).
      Originally , there was another female called Lillith.
      She had WINGS (and possibly a strap-on and a whip)
      Shes in the earliest versions and in the Epic of Gilgamesh.
      She got booted out of Eden because ?.....SHE WANTED TO BE ON TOP !!....the dirty free thinking , empowered , hussie liberal feminist.!!!!
      WOMEN ON TOP ?!!! Holy Yahweh ..... best go with rampant incest , eh ?
      And to think that genital mutilation of infants didnt start till Abraham ....so they considered that to be progress !!!!!???
      ps ; just think of that when ye wonder about Trump.
      Hes a throwback in evolution of Biblical proportions.

    • @dantaylor7344
      @dantaylor7344 5 років тому +16

      Hey fly that rainbow baby!

    • @indym8523
      @indym8523 5 років тому +22

      Horatio Caius it must’ve been embarrassing when you realised that you spelled embarrassing wrong

  • @tahmid1847
    @tahmid1847 3 роки тому +212

    "I can't forget, I am a f***ing elephant" is such a brilliant joke, loved the buildup

  • @arvideriksson
    @arvideriksson 5 років тому +2519

    "the first thing noah did was build an altar and make a sacrifice"
    so, what species did he just make extinct?

    • @ragnarokda206
      @ragnarokda206 5 років тому +617

      Unicorns. Obviously.

    • @Travisbig7
      @Travisbig7 5 років тому +187

      @@ragnarokda206 that bloody bastard

    • @BipoIarbear
      @BipoIarbear 5 років тому +51

      The South African waffling bee

    • @toohotohandle
      @toohotohandle 5 років тому +24

      @@Travisbig7 Voldemort must have been inspired by that

    • @frankwilson726
      @frankwilson726 5 років тому +152

      None, a yew was pregnant before the flood. The sacrifice was the baby lamb, pure and without sin. At least that's what I would say if I was stupid enough to believe such bull sh*t.

  • @baddog5936
    @baddog5936 5 років тому +312

    And Noah said " If it keeps on raining like this, we're gonna have to eat the Unicorns!"

    • @Lord_Skeptic
      @Lord_Skeptic 4 роки тому +2

      Mock the week

    • @ashishranjan9275
      @ashishranjan9275 3 роки тому +1

      Making it 100 likes...

    • @ross-carlson
      @ross-carlson 3 роки тому +2

      @@Lord_Skeptic Not the weak, just the ignorant who believe childhood fairy tales are actually real in some way - that SHOULD BE MOCKED.

    • @Lord_Skeptic
      @Lord_Skeptic 3 роки тому +2

      Mock the week is a TV program. That is where the quote that the original post comment comes from.

    • @zachnacino4084
      @zachnacino4084 3 роки тому

      @@ross-carlson lmao got a bit too carried away bud

  • @barrysargent1213
    @barrysargent1213 4 роки тому +722

    Had this book at school, when being read to us and the pictures shown, I told the teacher that it would sink because of the door on the side. That required time out and a telephone call to my parents. Dad looked at what I saw and said, he's right
    Never got on with that cow!

    • @willy-johndejager6810
      @willy-johndejager6810 4 роки тому +9

      mad about your dad. sounds likemine

    • @bambino9235
      @bambino9235 4 роки тому +30

      That's so funny but also so fucked up at the same time

    • @barrysargent1213
      @barrysargent1213 4 роки тому +36

      @@bambino9235 To this day, neither me or my father were wrong! Even at six yrs old I could tell it wouldn't float, and there's nothing wrong with the truth!!!

    • @bambino9235
      @bambino9235 4 роки тому +26

      @@barrysargent1213 Literally, the fact that the teacher was allowed to call home (essentially a punishment) over it is fucked. The fact it's allowed to be taught in schools as if it's undeniable, evidenced fact is also fucked.
      I grew up going to CofE schools and we used to pray every day in assembly and sing religious songs, and when we left primary school in year 6 we got given a bible each, and this was mid 2000s so relatively recent. Mental
      Like it's funny that she expected your dad to be upset but he actually agreed with you, but the whole situation leading up to it is just fucked. No better word for it

    • @barrysargent1213
      @barrysargent1213 4 роки тому +3

      @@bambino9235 You are so correct. I'm sorry, I misunderstood your first comment. Literally the very same things happened to me! That bible that I received went in the bin as soon as I got home that night! Even at high school, the same. Another in the bin!!

  • @sidDkid87
    @sidDkid87 13 років тому +202

    "Really? Straight to genocide?" - - - "What happened to one verbal and two written warnings?" - - - just the tip of the iceberg in the hilarious bit - - - I love it!

  • @dnw009
    @dnw009 10 років тому +2498

    He forgot to mention the amount of incest that would be implied if 2 of every spieces were to mate to create the amount of animals we have today.

    • @ahlammallak8853
      @ahlammallak8853 9 років тому +16

      +dnw009 that's smart I didn't think about that! and the sea creatures too lol

    • @TheAnarchySniper
      @TheAnarchySniper 7 років тому +248

      Also the fact that if there is only 2 of each species and "the first thing he did" was fucking sacrifice one of the animals, he instantly causes that species to go extinct

    • @Fluffylumpkin123
      @Fluffylumpkin123 6 років тому +11

      John Wright Can I be your disciple?

    • @adamcatlinmusic4321
      @adamcatlinmusic4321 6 років тому +112

      John Wright : by ‘uneducated’ I take it you mean un-paranoid religious fanatic?

    • @geggs13
      @geggs13 6 років тому +2

      @John Wright I will follow you everywhere.

  • @inlieswetrust7099
    @inlieswetrust7099 8 років тому +1796

    Drowning every person on the planet!
    Children edition!

    • @wakeuprealityiscallingyou1070
      @wakeuprealityiscallingyou1070 8 років тому +5

      Lets say youre a father of a world aka God right then you see 4 to 5 pure and good ones in a group of savage totally evil ones around those pure good ones you wouldnt destroy them for the sake of the good ones?
      Keep in mind you do have the power to revive the souls of the destroyed after judgment and do what you will with them spare them or rid them to punishment.
      See you didnt have that in your mind set before making that snarky comment...

    • @Yuri_RL
      @Yuri_RL 7 років тому +62

      Wake up Reality is calling you! I mean, to be fair, Its still genocide isnt it

    • @bigsmall246
      @bigsmall246 6 років тому +38

      @@wakeuprealityiscallingyou1070 What did the animals do? If God wasn't a dick he would have spared the animals, who by the way don't get to go to heaven.

    • @Tracey..H
      @Tracey..H 6 років тому +1

      Hahaha

    • @the_bottomfragger
      @the_bottomfragger 6 років тому +37

      I really can't believe that so many kids and adults (myself as a kid included) just accepted that. Like "yeah there are some bad people, let's just kill almost every living being on this planet."

  • @lookupthereupinthetrees9860
    @lookupthereupinthetrees9860 2 роки тому +77

    Used to be a Christian, and used to oversee the farming of 4000 pigs.
    Used to read the Bible over lunch everyday at the pig farm.
    While this was going on I noticed how when the 7 large electric fans at the ends of the pig sheds failed in a black out how quickly the pigs could become incapacitated, then unconscious and then mortalities would follow.
    Reading about Noah's ark...
    Looking after the sheds...
    Felt an acute panic/ cognitive dissonance when I realized that Noah's ark had one window, no forced electric ventilation, and instead of 1200 animals in a shed/boat, millions of animals.
    It's definitely a 'nope' from me.
    That's when I went right back to the beginning of the Bible and took a much more forensic examination.
    It's nice to get ones brain back from organised religion.
    👍👍👍

    • @SamuelBlack84
      @SamuelBlack84 Рік тому +13

      Ironically, you saw the light 😂

    • @lookupthereupinthetrees9860
      @lookupthereupinthetrees9860 Рік тому +8

      @@SamuelBlack84 Yep; I guess I did.
      But I still listen to Christian music on Sundays, because there we're a few redeeming features in that ideaology. However Taoism, Stoicism, and Buddism have made my life incredible.

    • @SamuelBlack84
      @SamuelBlack84 Рік тому +4

      @@lookupthereupinthetrees9860 So has Satanism for me

    • @lookupthereupinthetrees9860
      @lookupthereupinthetrees9860 Рік тому +1

      @@SamuelBlack84 not merely being agreeable for the sake of being agreeable, but there are some pretty interesting ideas to be found in Satanism. Always remember that one about 'being hassled in open ground.' It really pays dividends to take no shit from no one, lest you forfeit your own sanity and eventually decency as a human being. Philosophical variety is the spice of life.

    • @baljodhsandhu5785
      @baljodhsandhu5785 Рік тому

      ay whatever works for you right@@SamuelBlack84

  • @agetube83
    @agetube83 12 років тому +421

    LOLL "Straight to the annihilation of the entire human race, because of fatty yellow trousers picks someone's nose!"

    • @kryse4806
      @kryse4806 4 роки тому +1

      oh really adolf? REALLY?

  • @Fred-ck1ly
    @Fred-ck1ly 2 роки тому +37

    "Fuck off, wicked" cracks me up every time 😄

  • @UnderTheTableGremlin
    @UnderTheTableGremlin 4 роки тому +127

    “Seeing god 💅🏼💅🏼💅🏼” that gets me every time

    • @LungaMasilela
      @LungaMasilela Рік тому +1

      Honestly speaking this statement really really gets me.

  • @panamajackson4097
    @panamajackson4097 13 років тому +132

    "I can't forget it, I'm a fuckin' elephant!" Classic!

  • @MrSifaperdire
    @MrSifaperdire 5 років тому +78

    This is one of his masterpieces

  • @TheAndyroid
    @TheAndyroid 5 років тому +1343

    I remember this book from Sunday school! I remember there were two girls that thought it was really true, so I got worried about them and told the teacher. The teacher said it really WAS true. That was the day that I realised that grown-ups could be full of shit.

    • @kenhollis6197
      @kenhollis6197 4 роки тому +45

      You must have been a genius child.

    • @TheAndyroid
      @TheAndyroid 4 роки тому +79

      @@dogshiin But it wasn't. Not only would it be impossible but there isn't any evidence for it. There is however, evidence of smaller floods being talked about in entertaining/informative tales shortly before Judaism was invented. The stories were simply plagiarised and modified to suit an agenda.

    • @aw2584
      @aw2584 4 роки тому +26

      Pre abrahamic religions had the same story, Old Testament just copied it. The same exact shit.

    • @Filip-pm7dg
      @Filip-pm7dg 4 роки тому +7

      No one actually believes it. Its implied that those are just stories made so people could understand the religion because some people back then were the smartest in the world. Like the creation of Adam and Eve. Ofcourse Christian don’t belive that we came from two people. It just a story.

    • @TheAndyroid
      @TheAndyroid 4 роки тому +55

      @@Filip-pm7dg I know plenty that believe it all, every word of it. Even the ~650 direct contradictions, it's all true, apparently.
      BTW, the story of the first man being made from the dust of the Earth and the first woman being made from a bone comes from ancient Assyrian mythology. Only in the original version, the first woman is made from a bone taken from a slain goddess rather than a bone taken from the first man. The Abrahamic Genesis version is tailored to promote sexism and has the power struggle between the many gods removed for obvious reasons.

  • @pinklotus3989
    @pinklotus3989 4 роки тому +38

    watching rickys face light up when he makes this bit is everything, you can tell he enjoys it so much

  • @ivansh3743
    @ivansh3743 5 років тому +359

    I'm not a zoologist, but both lions have a mane... 08:54

    • @tomasstraka5244
      @tomasstraka5244 5 років тому +32

      how dare you assume their gender?

    • @jilliansmith7123
      @jilliansmith7123 5 років тому +25

      Tomas Straka: they were going to adopt when they reached dry land.

    • @jilliansmith7123
      @jilliansmith7123 5 років тому

      deekat3279: oh, no; that's unfortunate! Hope you get them out of both, and soon.

    • @joshme3659
      @joshme3659 4 роки тому +1

      Yea but technicly there have been cases of female lions with manes...

    • @shrishikesh2292
      @shrishikesh2292 4 роки тому +9

      God is not gay but lions are

  • @progyandas9650
    @progyandas9650 4 роки тому +19

    Not a Christian.... but growing up in an Anglo Indian school we were taught both the testaments . Listening to this at 5am in the morning and this satire is so relevant.

  • @hstg98
    @hstg98 13 років тому +68

    I literally could not love this more. Brilliant! I adore Ricky Gervais!!

  • @hagalazmultiverze3411
    @hagalazmultiverze3411 2 роки тому +69

    "Rained for 40 days and 40 nights"... The bible calls that a flood...
    In Denmark, we call that summer!!!!

    • @seldom_bucket
      @seldom_bucket Рік тому +10

      In the uk we call that the driest summer since records began.

    • @keztukariri
      @keztukariri Рік тому +2

      Lol brilliant 😂

  • @Siile_
    @Siile_ 5 років тому +640

    There's a woman in the audience having the time of her life, hearing her laugh was almost as funny as RIcky's jokes

    • @sloth3440
      @sloth3440 5 років тому +58

      @@josephfaherty5810 calm down its only comedy

    • @Gazzaroo
      @Gazzaroo 5 років тому +3

      Joseph Faherty gammon Brexiter

    • @SaraH-jn5db
      @SaraH-jn5db 5 років тому +13

      @@josephfaherty5810 why the fuck are you here then mate

    • @tuxnor
      @tuxnor 5 років тому +10

      @@josephfaherty5810 butthurt are you.. faith fade when reality kicks in..did he offended you joking about your fairy tales?

    • @nobody-tj1mv
      @nobody-tj1mv 4 роки тому +3

      @@josephfaherty5810 You're*

  • @Grandflea02
    @Grandflea02 Рік тому +11

    "Oh forget it"
    "I can't forget it, i'm a fuckin elephant"
    Absolute gold 😂

  • @dejayrezme8617
    @dejayrezme8617 5 років тому +130

    Haha "Who are you calling big nose" is a callback to life of brian :D
    Just brilliant.

    • @silverysnowfox
      @silverysnowfox 5 років тому +6

      Dejay Rezme thanks I was trying to recall why that sounded familiar

  • @wetwilIy
    @wetwilIy 5 років тому +29

    I died when Ricky went "IM A FUCKING CRAB IVE NEVER BEEN ON A MOUNTAIN THIS IS AMAZING!!"

  • @Kiyarose3999
    @Kiyarose3999 Рік тому +9

    Gervais seems to just get better every time, this was excellent.

  • @thanosnous3749
    @thanosnous3749 4 роки тому +60

    "The first thing Noah did was to build an altar and he offered a sacrifice to god"... Sacrificed what??? He a male and a female from each species. If he sacrificed one then that species would go extinct. Did he sacrifice a dinosaur ?

    • @UVjoint
      @UVjoint 4 роки тому +15

      Nah, dinosaurs got screwed in the beta test, when God used a different force to show his rage.

    • @bmxscape
      @bmxscape 3 роки тому +6

      @@UVjoint why wouldnt he refresh the map after beta testing he left so much shit laying around

    • @JoolsTwo
      @JoolsTwo 3 роки тому +1

      Unicorn obviously

  • @mortemoccasus2412
    @mortemoccasus2412 3 роки тому +14

    We all need a Ricky Gervais as our homeroom teacher. Who's with me?

  • @jenniferpais
    @jenniferpais 3 роки тому +17

    This was the best Sunday school session ever 😁😅

  • @0407luke
    @0407luke 5 років тому +218

    I’d listen to Ricky Gervais narrate a more humorous version of Planet Earth, tbh.

  • @Jeagles
    @Jeagles 4 роки тому +180

    “I showed this to Karl Pilkington”
    *deafening applause*

  • @csabih6972
    @csabih6972 4 роки тому +105

    I am surprised nobody expressed his desire to see Ricky's review of the other books from this series. It would be hillarious.

    • @seldom_bucket
      @seldom_bucket Рік тому

      I really hope you've seen james acasters take on pinnochio.

    • @andrewjacobs3219
      @andrewjacobs3219 11 місяців тому

      Does he do anything on islam . I would really want to see him do that .

  • @tjwash2
    @tjwash2 6 років тому +693

    So, Noah crammed a bunch of carnivores on a cruise ship with tasty herbivores for 150 days and all the herbivores got off the boat when it docked?

    • @TheCatBilbo
      @TheCatBilbo 5 років тому +74

      Yes, because the magic man in the sky made it so... ;-)

    • @tjwash2
      @tjwash2 5 років тому +42

      marty jackson what does this even mean? It in no way addresses...anything? And before calling people dumb please be sure you know how to your, you’re and yore, or you look like..exactly what you are. Or you’re? No, you are.

    • @tjwash2
      @tjwash2 5 років тому +27

      dylan thoms I cant tell if you’re serious or just goofing on me

    • @tjwash2
      @tjwash2 5 років тому +5

      dylan thoms thanks for answering, I just wasn’t sure. Made me go to Wikipedia to familiarize myself with the story

    • @cyanidecapsule6275
      @cyanidecapsule6275 5 років тому +9

      @marty jackson Fix your grammar before you start calling people dumb you fucking spastic.

  • @amy_pieterse
    @amy_pieterse 3 роки тому +41

    I always laugh when I see 2 male lions depicted in The Noah's Flood Story.
    I always wonder if the illustrators do it on purpose or they just don't know.

    • @kellidinit3725
      @kellidinit3725 2 роки тому +5

      I got in trouble in Sunday school as a kid for pointing that out. 😂😂😂

  • @fritzfromm5601
    @fritzfromm5601 2 роки тому +6

    This is my favourite stand up clip ever

  • @lukedaniels7750
    @lukedaniels7750 5 років тому +41

    I like Eddie Izzard's observation, that Noah would have had a problem explaining to ducks that they needed to get into the ark in order to survive. Telling ducks that there is about to be a huge flood and they need to get into a boat to avoid it is great.

    • @TheKyrix82
      @TheKyrix82 2 роки тому +1

      He was right about all the evil ducks...they are very rapey birds

    • @Steve-gc5nt
      @Steve-gc5nt 2 роки тому +1

      Yea he's a funny lady.

  • @pattersonpi3027
    @pattersonpi3027 6 років тому +411

    'it is rhe book of noah, it is the children's edition '
    is there an other one ?

    • @Zerenko
      @Zerenko 5 років тому +18

      I expected to hear "children's edition... bit redundant-" lmao

    • @portaccio
      @portaccio 5 років тому +2

      Yep that's the joke.

    • @ilovepudding7873
      @ilovepudding7873 5 років тому +4

      the delusional idiot edition.

    • @EmpireFanatic
      @EmpireFanatic 5 років тому +1

      @dylan thoms What a muppet...

    • @92brunod
      @92brunod 5 років тому +7

      @dylan t you're right, it's impossible to read to most christians, it's designed that way so your religious authority can TELL YOU what it says...that's why they believe it. Most christians never read the bible

  • @VeeSeven700
    @VeeSeven700 2 роки тому +8

    His face after pointing out the hooped earrings is so perfect in timing and expression. Just points, let's the audience go with it and then looks on with pride.

  • @everwhat013
    @everwhat013 5 років тому +35

    I was showing this clip to my eleven yr old son and when Ricky asked "What did the squid do" @4:42, my son had the perfect answer. He said "I know what the squid did. He went up to the shark and tweaked his nose. WIcked". I've never been so proud, lol

  • @0407luke
    @0407luke 5 років тому +215

    3:28 Ricky would’ve survived that bar in Inglorious Basterds.

  • @VivekAnandJ
    @VivekAnandJ 5 років тому +7

    The " I'm not a ducking mongoose!" dialogue! Epic reference to Rudyard Kipling! So proud of myself for catching it 😁

    • @VeryAmazingGrace
      @VeryAmazingGrace 5 років тому +3

      I caught it too and it's the greatest sense of achievement I've felt since I left the house that one time last year

    • @mightguy911
      @mightguy911 3 роки тому

      Yeah the mongoose rikki-tikki-tavi

  • @gspendlove
    @gspendlove 5 років тому +16

    So, I thought I'd hate the movie _Noah,_ with Russell Crowe. I didn't. I enjoyed it because it treats the Ark story exactly like what it is: mythology.

  • @kapjoteh
    @kapjoteh 6 років тому +209

    I was waiting for a joke about two male lions at 10:50

    • @jilliansmith7123
      @jilliansmith7123 5 років тому +2

      Yes, they're gay. They were planning to adopt. Thanks, god, fucked that up! All lion fetuses DROWNED. No more lion adoptions.

    • @TNT-km2eg
      @TNT-km2eg 2 роки тому +2

      Just an inside joke

  • @Irishmule169
    @Irishmule169 3 роки тому +4

    This bit is pure genius!!

  • @archevis2497
    @archevis2497 5 років тому +294

    Satan never drowned anyone just saying

    • @Wemdiculous
      @Wemdiculous 5 років тому +10

      Archevis well yeah, but neither did God.

    • @harveykraus5767
      @harveykraus5767 5 років тому +16

      Wemdiculous Are you sure about that

    • @Wemdiculous
      @Wemdiculous 5 років тому +79

      @@harveykraus5767 He'd have to exist first

    • @spice3767
      @spice3767 5 років тому +9

      I think in the bible satan killed 2 and god over 2000, whos the bad one :)

    • @jilliansmith7123
      @jilliansmith7123 5 років тому +20

      Marcus Cunnington: in the bible, god either directly kills or orders killed something like 2.3 MILLION people. Depending on how many were alive on earth during his putative flood.
      The bible: Snuff fiction.

  • @zpardus
    @zpardus 3 роки тому +30

    This is why, if you take all the editorializing out of the bible and just read what happened, any reasonable person would conclude that the god it mentions is a depraved sadistic psychopath.

    • @raymondhartmeijer9300
      @raymondhartmeijer9300 2 роки тому

      aw it doesn't matter, the whole Genesis thing never even happened. It's just old rehashed stories from Mesapotamia and Assyria that ended up with the Hebrew people at one point, that's why it's in there.

    • @fordmustang3265
      @fordmustang3265 2 роки тому

      You need Jesus

    • @TNT-km2eg
      @TNT-km2eg 2 роки тому +1

      Depraved sadistic psychopath . That's bit harsh . Constipated jerk , maybe ? However , in comparison to other " gods " before and after him ( some arrived 900 years after him) , he is just a softy , frustrated old geezer with nothing to do

    • @seventycross0yt175
      @seventycross0yt175 3 місяці тому

      @@fordmustang3265 HELL NO

  • @Exiledk
    @Exiledk 2 роки тому +9

    "The first thing he did was to make a sacrifice..." Which animal species did he condemn to extinction? I bet it was unicorns...

  • @robitusin4645
    @robitusin4645 6 років тому +329

    13:29 Gay lions

    • @asbendewar4259
      @asbendewar4259 5 років тому +5

      But gods not ga... wait shit I don't know about this one chief

    • @Halfdanr_H
      @Halfdanr_H 5 років тому +14

      Are those 2 gay lions in a gay pride?

    • @jilliansmith7123
      @jilliansmith7123 5 років тому +2

      And there is gay pride in gay lions, it works both ways!

    • @BeanMachine360
      @BeanMachine360 5 років тому +1

      I DONT LIKE THEM PUTTING CHEMICALS IN THE WATER THAT TURN THE FRICKING LIONS GAY

  • @sidDkid87
    @sidDkid87 10 років тому +589

    What's the squid ever done?!?

    • @sidDkid87
      @sidDkid87 10 років тому

      ***** ???

    • @elizabethbarten7672
      @elizabethbarten7672 10 років тому +1

      Looks like I'm not going to get to download much tonight, but I know your posts are always a plus!: )

    • @sidDkid87
      @sidDkid87 10 років тому

      ***** : )`

    • @OP-1000
      @OP-1000 6 років тому +3

      The squid will be fine. It is a sea animal...

    • @eddiebrown8715
      @eddiebrown8715 5 років тому +4

      Not a lot... do we need em?

  • @liger-9990
    @liger-9990 5 років тому +31

    I can’t forget it I’m a bloody elephant!

  • @KristianVirtanen
    @KristianVirtanen 2 роки тому +1

    I really love this guy. He and Simo propably my favorites

  • @PsychoKupcake
    @PsychoKupcake 8 місяців тому +1

    I love the mix of his humor and beliefs. It's such a different and refreshing change. I. Love regular comedians, as well. However, Ricky is an intellectual who, if I remember correctly, studied philosophy, which makes so much sense with how he derived his humor.

  • @HarrisonMeek
    @HarrisonMeek 5 років тому +96

    God to Noah: Protect two of every animal for 2 months to ensure they survive to re-populate the earth and carry on their species for years to come
    Noah: *sacrifices one on the alter for the shits and gigs literally minutes after touching land*
    God: Am I a joke to you

    • @sinahelmi6696
      @sinahelmi6696 5 років тому +17

      And what about thousands of species with less than two months lifetime?

    • @tramquangpho
      @tramquangpho 5 років тому +6

      Sina Helmi surprised nobody question about this shit

    • @tuxnor
      @tuxnor 5 років тому +1

      @@sinahelmi6696 Good point..

    • @taracarroll4218
      @taracarroll4218 4 роки тому +1

      Guessing it was the dodo.

    • @AK-xi5vy
      @AK-xi5vy 2 роки тому +1

      @@sinahelmi6696 Tbf, nobody denied they reproduced while on the boat thing

  • @MadPotty01
    @MadPotty01 5 років тому +70

    So the first thing Noah did was make an offering (blood sacrifice) using one of the poor creatures that had been safe on the ark with him? So instantly that species became extinct.

    • @yourdad9168
      @yourdad9168 5 років тому +20

      It was the unicorn

    • @jilliansmith7123
      @jilliansmith7123 5 років тому +1

      Remember, god told Noah to bring two of each kind...and also two of each unclean kind and seven pairs of each clean kind. So he must've used a clean animal. Though perhaps after a year or more on that ark, there wasn't one millimeter of anything in there that was "clean" at all. Imagine the heaps of SHIT!

    • @jilliansmith7123
      @jilliansmith7123 5 років тому +1

      Zahin Vishnu: I wish that I'd been told "real" stories when I was a kid, and not filled my head up with things that aren't true. But then I couldn't have come here and had interesting UA-cam chats with so many interesting people, like yourself.

    • @jilliansmith7123
      @jilliansmith7123 5 років тому +1

      Zahin Vishnu: Yes. We do have more serious issues to worry about--and I bet a lot of us do worry about them. Sadly, we can't do much about them. We only get to vote every couple of years and probably aren't going to mount an armed resistance in between. Meanwhile, we can vent a little by arguing about kiddy tales. Keeps our minds going a little, maybe.

    • @davemandel2
      @davemandel2 5 років тому

      Nope, he sacrificed the male and the female was already pregnant with a litter.

  • @jakemundy5726
    @jakemundy5726 5 років тому +16

    Love how Noah made a sacrifice. I wonder which species lost out as a result

  • @bleh2959
    @bleh2959 5 років тому +23

    Am I absolutely insane for laughing like hell at 8:45 and so on😂😂

  • @piersmorgan3297
    @piersmorgan3297 5 років тому +7

    His stand up is like a TED talk lol

  • @bobisjustlost
    @bobisjustlost 6 років тому +13

    the toucans bit was hilarious. the part after it w/ the elephant is genius.

  • @rolandlee6898
    @rolandlee6898 3 роки тому +4

    How did they get plants back?
    For the olive branch to grow you'd need a few years of dry land...

    • @stevespenceroz
      @stevespenceroz 2 роки тому

      The trees and plants would still be there...dying...under water. Then the water subsides... But surely there'd be higher surviving trees with a branch to grab than a small olive tree? Or is it supposed to be symbolic...olive branch thing 😄

    • @rolandlee6898
      @rolandlee6898 2 роки тому +1

      @@stevespenceroz For the Earth to be covered completely you'd need almost 6 miles of water. Thats a whole lot more than all the water that exists on the planet. Where did it come from? And where did it go?
      6 miles of water would kill anything and everything in a very short amount of time. Not to mention since the world's oceans are salt-water - it would leave salt everywhere, so nothing would grow for years to come even after the water disappeared by magic.
      Could it be, perhaps, just perhaps, that the story isnt real?

    • @stevespenceroz
      @stevespenceroz 2 роки тому

      @@rolandlee6898more good points there!
      If real, god made it appear by loads of hard rain non stop (according to the rainy pictures) and god being god he can make it disappear again (and the salty mess and make the vegetation good) with a click of his fingers 🙂
      But if he can do things with a finger click then he could have just clicked away all the bad people on the planet, thus not requiring a flood at all lol

  • @craigjennings1114
    @craigjennings1114 3 роки тому +4

    Ricky, I love that you call bullshit on religion.

    • @geraldinetoughey9622
      @geraldinetoughey9622 2 роки тому

      He is only calling bullshit on those who take the story of Noah as if it was the literal truth. I am a devout Christian and I know that mythology is in the Bible. But there are still teachings in the mythology such as Noah's eagerness to obey God and the hope in finding dry land ended in happiness as it was all as God said. This is looking at ideas in the story which the devout person can enjoy and feel comforted by because the Christian life can be difficult to live every day.

  • @marthasalter405
    @marthasalter405 4 роки тому +24

    I just realized - so Noah gets off the ark and promptly killed one of the pairs of some animal in order to make a sacrifice. WTH??

    • @harshitdalal8670
      @harshitdalal8670 3 роки тому +1

      And why the sacrifice was needed? didn't god took the sacrifice of whole planet ,by flooding it.😂

  • @xavierwalker7135
    @xavierwalker7135 3 роки тому +2

    The raven and the dove reaction is priceless 🤣🤣

  • @nostep3966
    @nostep3966 6 років тому +11

    Gervais can make anything funny

  • @RaptorJesus.
    @RaptorJesus. 5 років тому +228

    i've watched this so many times XD
    it baffles me that in the 21st century people are still believing mythology 😂

    • @JoeyKO757
      @JoeyKO757 4 роки тому +7

      Prove it's a myth

    • @captaincoffeecake3595
      @captaincoffeecake3595 4 роки тому +43

      Joey K O usually the burden of proof is on having to Prove it IS real

    • @JoeyKO757
      @JoeyKO757 4 роки тому +2

      @@captaincoffeecake3595 the evidence is their you just don't want to see it.

    • @captaincoffeecake3595
      @captaincoffeecake3595 4 роки тому +23

      Joey K O lol ok , fuckin crazy religious people .

    • @jamesbaker4806
      @jamesbaker4806 4 роки тому +31

      Joey K O The rules of grammar are available as well.
      YOU, obviously, don’t want to see THEM.

  • @techtitanuk5609
    @techtitanuk5609 5 років тому +522

    Scary thing people actually believe this happened

    • @sociallyresponsiblexenomor7608
      @sociallyresponsiblexenomor7608 5 років тому +91

      If that is all they believed, it would be totally fine. The problem is people are like "You don't believe this ludicrous thing I believe? What kind of child of mine are you, get out, go live on the streets" and "You don't believe this happened? I am going to attack and kill and ruin everything you love and believe in until you agree my impossible fairy tale is real".
      It's terrifying, you're right.

    • @joecoolioness6399
      @joecoolioness6399 5 років тому +19

      @@sociallyresponsiblexenomor7608 exactly. Why don't they listen to their own messiah and keep that shit to themselves? Even jesus himself said not to be like the hypocrites and to pray in the closet. Probably didn't hear about that from the pulpit eh?

    • @laurentiumarin9165
      @laurentiumarin9165 5 років тому +4

      @@sociallyresponsiblexenomor7608 the problem is that this global flood mith apeared everywhere on Earth and according to geologists it took place somewhere between 10.000 to 12.500 years ago. en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_flood_myths

    • @Aluben0
      @Aluben0 5 років тому +20

      @@laurentiumarin9165 its on wikipedia so it must be true

    • @laurentiumarin9165
      @laurentiumarin9165 5 років тому +1

      @@Aluben0 And Ricky is a religon expert who majored in what..??? tps://www.mythoreligio.com/15-flood-myths-similar-to-the-story-of-noah-2/

  • @JargonMadjin
    @JargonMadjin 4 роки тому +46

    God: "I love you."
    Also God:
    *attempts genocide of planetary proportions and places you in eternal torture for the rest of time if you break one of his ten rules*

    • @JargonMadjin
      @JargonMadjin 4 роки тому +12

      @Samuel Black I'd assume God is bipolar but if he's a god then he wouldn't have any disorders

    • @JargonMadjin
      @JargonMadjin 4 роки тому +1

      @Samuel Black Yeah

    • @Bjrosiy
      @Bjrosiy 4 роки тому +7

      At least it didnt happen which is for the better for those millions of people. It just seems like some flood happened, and was exaggerated and made into a myth. A majority of the bibles tales are just metaphores for things.

    • @Binichmoses2
      @Binichmoses2 2 роки тому +6

      God still sounds like the most Toxic male rolemodel anyone could have.

    • @sankalp2520
      @sankalp2520 Рік тому

      God seems f*cking moron

  • @HansPeter-hx5dx
    @HansPeter-hx5dx 2 роки тому

    "The elephants looking at me funny" At this point my stomach started to hurt :D:D

  • @ethanhartman7329
    @ethanhartman7329 4 роки тому +18

    So what about the children and babies that died in the flood.

    • @orangepekoe5243
      @orangepekoe5243 4 роки тому +1

      @@richardflynn4112 you know something ain’t right when God isn’t pro-life as well

    • @Notmyname1593
      @Notmyname1593 4 роки тому

      Probably has to do with babies going to hell.

    • @MrChristerj
      @MrChristerj 3 роки тому +1

      And all the unborn. There must have been pregnant women dying in the flood.

  • @Pranav-rp8wi
    @Pranav-rp8wi 5 років тому +20

    40 days to flood the entire lithosphere and go back??
    *Geological timescale has left the chat*

    • @niviamaeva
      @niviamaeva 5 років тому

      Lol lol 😂 😂

    • @taracarroll4218
      @taracarroll4218 4 роки тому +4

      "It rained for forty days and forty nights, and they call it a disaster?
      In Ireland, that's the feckin' summer!"
      - Agnes Brown.

  • @jonnyblade46
    @jonnyblade46 3 роки тому +70

    Don't forget: until now, you couldn't mock religion without being imprisoned, tortured or killed.
    That has been normal for 99.99% of our history...
    Be happy and keep on mocking 🙂

    • @donttryitjohn364
      @donttryitjohn364 2 роки тому

      Yeah mock islam and see how that plays out. Maybe the west isn't as fanatical as it used to be but don't extend that to all religions.

    • @remotaco
      @remotaco 2 роки тому +1

      in my country, people who mocks religion can still be imprisoned, tortured and even killed.

    • @jonnyblade46
      @jonnyblade46 2 роки тому

      @@remotaco That's so sad to hear.

    • @AdmiralBonetoPick
      @AdmiralBonetoPick 2 роки тому +3

      You still can't mock some religions.

    • @jonnyblade46
      @jonnyblade46 2 роки тому +1

      @@AdmiralBonetoPick True, true..

  • @Ahmed-bk1gc
    @Ahmed-bk1gc 4 роки тому +22

    I'm religious, but I think this is hilarious.

    • @bananaeclipse3324
      @bananaeclipse3324 Рік тому +3

      I mean you gotta admit that a majority of the Bible is bs. Judaism is such an interesting religion because it promotes science in a way. A LARGE amount of Nobel prize winners are Jewish! Real reason for that is that the Torah is more so a book of laws/rules. An allegory really. The Torah shouldn’t be taken at face value because that isn’t the point, the point is in each story, the reason one should act. (There also is the history bit which is mainly true, which is just dictators using Jews as a scapegoat and trying to kill them all). I’m proud to be Jewish, but I’m also atheist. Judaism isn’t just a religion, it’s an ethnicity and a culture. Judaism promotes deep thought and debate on how to interpret it.
      I feel like the Bible almost perverts the Torah and turns it into something it’s not, almost cult like rather than a way of thinking.
      I remember hearing this thing that goes something like this (very paraphrased and probably quoted a bit wrong though), “there were 2 rabbis having a debate about the torah, they get another rabbi to come in and be a tie breaker, but that rabbi had a different opinion. One of the rabbis trying to prove his point, prays for god for it to rain, and it does. The rabbi then says to the others ‘see god agrees with me’. The other rabbis say it’s a coincidence. So the rabbi prays again and asks god to send a better sign to prove his point. So god shouts down to the other rabbis ‘that rabbi is right!’ The rabbis then start arguing with god and saying that he’s wrong.”

    • @KLmoxie
      @KLmoxie Рік тому +2

      @@bananaeclipse3324 I agree, the Bible makes people cult like and would explain the many cults that have been born in the name of the God of the Bible

    • @sankalp2520
      @sankalp2520 Рік тому

      I would suggest you to stop being religious if you want to preserve your sanity and brain cells. Otherwise, it will degrade your brain so much, you will lose common sense and rational thinking ability. Just an advice. Take it out leave it. Your wish.

  • @mr.sandman3619
    @mr.sandman3619 4 роки тому +6

    "I can't forget it I'm a fucking elephant!"

  • @s.s.a8741
    @s.s.a8741 5 років тому +32

    The flood Noah's arc story is based on is the random flooding of Tigris and Euphrates rivers in Mesopotamia. When civilisation in Mesopotamia was forming, a large one being the one in Uruk (what Iraq is named after) we can see the first instances of writing in a script called 'cuneiform', the very first story 'The Epic of Gilgamesh' was written in this script. In the epic, there is a man and his family who survive a massive flood caused by four gods (they got angry because of all the noise humans were making). They survive because one of the gods tells the man the god's plan and instructs him to build an arc to survive. The reason why the flood appears at all in the epic is because it's inspired by the Tigris and Euphrates (unlike the Nile and Indus river) irregular flood patterns. Mesopotamians can neither prepare nor escape the flooding. I feel like I shouldn't have to explain that 'The Epic of Gilgamesh' is just a myth, if you think Noah's story sounds ridiculous, it's because it never happened. BTW we know for sure Noah's story is ripped from the epic because the dialogue hasn't been changed, just translated from cuneiform to Latin.

    • @commente
      @commente 3 роки тому +4

      you could have given a spoiler warning

    • @AdmiralBonetoPick
      @AdmiralBonetoPick 2 роки тому +2

      Most ancient religions have a flood myth, from Greek mythology to Japanese Shintoism. More likely it's a memory of the absolutely massive flooding worldwide when the last Ice Age ended some 11,000 years ago (bearing in mind humans developed primitive language, art and religions around 26,000 years ago).

    • @geraldinetoughey9622
      @geraldinetoughey9622 2 роки тому

      There are traditional stories of a big flood in many cultures. They don,'t "rip it" from each other! There probably was a great flood and each culture had their own story about it. Get educated and do real research if you want to be taken seriously.

    • @bekkbekks7546
      @bekkbekks7546 2 роки тому

      Oh shut up

    • @paulhaynes3688
      @paulhaynes3688 Рік тому

      At this time polar bears where not discovered what a joke story

  • @KitchenOne-California
    @KitchenOne-California 6 років тому +99

    So fresh water fish should have died from too much salt in the water and sea creatures should’ve died from the water being too diluted

    • @bigsmall246
      @bigsmall246 6 років тому +8

      Maybe he made it rain seawater.

    • @chriswang148
      @chriswang148 5 років тому

      okay so..? there are plenty of brackish water species? and many species have plasticity and resilience when it comes to changes in their environment. Adaptations can also happen through those resilient individuals. Let's pretend the water was actually some toxic liquid, even if that's the case not all organisms would die. There are microbes which survive in harsh environments as we speak, in volcanoes, hot springs, even battery acid!

    • @BipoIarbear
      @BipoIarbear 5 років тому +1

      tono80 there’s parts that would have stayed fresh water , there’s parts now where fresh water meets salt water

    • @Robert-fc9xz
      @Robert-fc9xz 5 років тому +29

      who the fuck cares, this is like trying to find logic in a marvel movie

    • @tjwash2
      @tjwash2 5 років тому +3

      Everybody chill out, tono80 was just making a simple point to draw attention to the problems the flood caused the fish.

  • @specialized29er86
    @specialized29er86 4 роки тому +9

    Imagine the stored food required for 40 plus days and nights and then after the water resides what did the creatures eat.

    • @jonathanburke8946
      @jonathanburke8946 2 роки тому +1

      150 days but that explains “specialized “ lmao

  • @dannyv5661
    @dannyv5661 5 років тому +48

    The writers of the bible were up against deadlines. Hence...they had to make it up quickly. It obviously didn't have to be good or make any sense.......at all........ever.

    • @stringtheoryguitars4952
      @stringtheoryguitars4952 2 роки тому +1

      Written over 1,600 years by 40 different authors. Not exactly "up against a deadline" but you quickly made that up so, understandable.

  • @janeparfitt65
    @janeparfitt65 10 років тому

    This is hilarious..fuck off wicked..I pmsl watching this...Pure brilliance..Ricky Gervais is a genius...

  • @scubagrant6045
    @scubagrant6045 2 роки тому +3

    Pure comic genius.

  • @sidDkid87
    @sidDkid87 10 років тому +47

    What happened to one verbal and two written warnings?!?

  • @philtreman9944
    @philtreman9944 5 років тому +5

    The 2 lions were glancing across at the 2 deer and one said to the other "what do you fancy to eat when we get off the ark" - lol.

  • @AvoirJoseph
    @AvoirJoseph 3 роки тому +1

    I can watch him do that for much time

  • @Ruby-wp8tn
    @Ruby-wp8tn 4 роки тому +6

    11:57 I ALWAYS LOSE EVERYTHING RIGHT HERE
    🦀 I'm on a fucking mountain 🦀

  • @klaus1352
    @klaus1352 5 років тому +53

    I'm disappointed in the lack of angry Christian's in the comments. I was expecting more

    • @fodge5395
      @fodge5395 5 років тому +4

      Well that's because 1. There aren't as many Christians more. 2. There aren't that many Christians that are angry, crusading, marauding strict bible buffs.

    • @carriefawcett9990
      @carriefawcett9990 5 років тому +9

      I'm a christian and i am laughing my arse off. Some of us are still normal and have a sense of humour😂😂

    • @Ludifant
      @Ludifant 5 років тому +10

      This is old testament stuff, christians only believe in the sequel. They are like Star Wars fans..

    • @ericscaillet2232
      @ericscaillet2232 5 років тому

      @nordhorny perhaps your understanding as well -

    • @BeanMachine360
      @BeanMachine360 5 років тому

      @@carriefawcett9990 "normal"
      id say completely bloody insane

  • @VS257
    @VS257 5 років тому +6

    I want ricky to read me a bed time story from now on

  • @jonnyblade46
    @jonnyblade46 2 роки тому +4

    How did Noah collect insects and microbes? 🧐 I'm deeply curious.
    And how did he control them?

  • @scouser2010ify
    @scouser2010ify 4 роки тому +2

    I’d pay to see Ricky do all those books

  • @ravenaussie3760
    @ravenaussie3760 2 роки тому +1

    I'm glad Ricky is bringing awareness to the discrimination ravens face every day.

  • @benjamintrevino325
    @benjamintrevino325 2 роки тому +5

    The funny part is that immediately after God's big "do over" the survivors started sinning again.
    You'd think God would be smarter about such things.

  • @youdontseeanoldmanhavinatw4904
    @youdontseeanoldmanhavinatw4904 3 роки тому +14

    Imagine actually thinking Noah was real

  • @lengskeng1072
    @lengskeng1072 3 роки тому +23

    Kinda off topic, but I love seeing the British and US flag flying together 🇬🇧🤝🇺🇸

  • @jacquelinefox2632
    @jacquelinefox2632 2 роки тому +1

    His voice just went up 8 octaves. Spiders? Try politicians. Lol.🥰 Xxxxxxxx

  • @ethanlapic5628
    @ethanlapic5628 2 роки тому +2

    @13:36 what I find hilarious is that it appears both lions on the ark were actually male. Male lions have manes and in the picture they both have manes. just another thing to add to Ricky’s point lol

    • @TNT-km2eg
      @TNT-km2eg 2 роки тому +1

      Could it be an inside joke , you sharp eye genius ?

  • @chinookvalley
    @chinookvalley 6 років тому +12

    Thank god, I needed this so desperately - I spent the day with Rite-wing, Republican, Trump lovers. No wonder the world is going mad. I can now relax and smile. Praise Ricky.

    • @jmlepunk
      @jmlepunk 6 років тому +9

      Branon Fontaine 😆😆😆 someone has a negative IQ

    • @justsaying1818
      @justsaying1818 6 років тому

      @@branon6565 How's it going in the basement. At least you got your walls.

    • @aladdinsane848
      @aladdinsane848 6 років тому

      @@branon6565 quod erat demonstrandum

    • @krehetpi
      @krehetpi 6 років тому +1

      Branon Fontaine
      Articulate little bugger, aren’t you?

    • @seventycross0yt175
      @seventycross0yt175 3 місяці тому

      😂😂😂😂 TRUMP 2024

  • @christopherwilkins2274
    @christopherwilkins2274 11 років тому +13

    I'm on a fucking mountain!

  • @nixodian
    @nixodian 12 років тому +8

    would of been one hell of a party in noah's ark, the carnivores and herbivores will testify to that

    • @Ludifant
      @Ludifant 5 років тому +2

      Think about the poor ant-eater.. Or the koala.. I bet with all the foliage for the herbivores, Noah forgot to pack some eucalyptus.

  • @jameshickey1294
    @jameshickey1294 5 років тому +1

    Go on good ol reading boy! Spot on ricky

  • @Hirnlego999
    @Hirnlego999 5 років тому +2

    As Eddie Izzard pointed out, the fish and the floating things all got out of the genocide deal through a loophole

  • @bigdaddy8884
    @bigdaddy8884 10 років тому +5

    "Aw fuck off Wicked!"