Generosity, emotional blackmail & entitlement in friendships
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- Опубліковано 27 вер 2024
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In this video, I react to a TikTok video on unreciprocated generosity as a jumping-off point for a broader discussion on gift-giving, emotional blackmail, entitlement, and transactional friendship.
Intro music: Church of 8 Wheels by Otis McDonald
Outro music: Lensko Let’s Go
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I have a little friend group of four of us, and we've been friends since middle school. Now that we're adults, we have a pretty big income range and I'm the poor one.
We make it work by *gasp* COMMUNICATING. My friends never shame or pity me for my financial position and they're mindful to suggest affordable activities when we get together. If they want to do something more spendy, I'll just tell them if I can afford it or not - sometimes they offer to spot me, or sometimes I just stay home. And of course if they do spot me, I say thank you!!
Having people that communicate with you about your wants and needs is a rare thing in my experience. Consider yourself fortunate.
Right?! If the "generous" lady would have just been up-font about "Hey, I'll pay for our dinner if you both pay for our drinks after. Does that work?"
Ya know... just generally not expecting people to read your mind.
@@jshowaothat's....people suck. I'm rooting for you to find better people ❤
I have never had someone be overtly generous to me without there being strings attached. That’s an auto 🚩 for me. Emphasis on it being overt and exaggerated…
If it's not something material, sometimes it's emotional strings being attached as well, especially if you can't meet their material "needs" of a relationship with someone who treats it as transactional.
5:14 "Generosity can't be at the expense of another person's comfort because then it's not really doing a pro-social act, it's more doing it to seem altruistic."
This reminds me of a regular at my bar job who would always pick up his friends' tabs, buy rounds of shots, etc but eventually started lashing out at his friends for never reciprocating. Turns out he was harboring a whole martyr complex about it. Another regular told me he's been like that for years. I've noticed some people love to call themselves generous when really they're just leaving their financial boundaries unsaid, which is a recipe for resentment when their unexpressed expectations inevitably don't get met. Conversations about money can be uncomfortable on so many levels, but it's way rougher to lose a friendship or entire social circle cuz you didn't treat someone to dinner enough times or whatever.
ugh I realized my bf does this. unprompted offers to help then gets mad at me because he says if only I didn't need help he wouldn't feel like has 'has" to help or else he is the "bad" guy in his mind. I say if you don't want to then don't that's okay and he says if he doesn't he's a bad person so he resents me for??? not refusing his help?? I don't even know.
She seems like she uses her “generosity” as a means to control those around her.
I think she spoke her mind and it told a lot about her experience. If she has it and wants to treat people then that's one thing. This was giving ulterior motives and under lining expectations. She expected her friend to just pay for the Air BNB, then she expected her friend to pay for all food and drinks instead, then she expected a gift from said friend on her birthday right behind the trip.
Never once explained this to her friend. Then rides off the entire experience by claiming her friend's income level as the scapegoat. When in reality its other wrongdoings on her part but she may not be ready for the self realization. Ignorance is so blissful.
i feel like there is overall a huge lack of communication in their friendship. Honestly it just seems so messy. There are SO MANY questions that i have to the point where i feel like listening to only her POV means nothing. Also it really annoys me when people just EXPECT. Like, you are a grown ass human being you NEED to communicate. And if it happens once that you expected something, say it then ffs. Idk maybe I'm wrong but to expect the other person to read your mind is ridiculous to me especially considering the fact that people have different backgrounds so what might not be seen as a gift to you, is seen as a gift to someone else.
Then again this is just my own personal opinion i feel like we need more information on their friendship
My thoughts as well
Yes, especially if they're friends, like close friends.
Yeah I agree totally. Seems like they don't have very good communication. I also don't think you can ever get the full story from hearing only one person's perspective. Especially when they're sharing it online.
Idk what's with all the people out there who want telepathy from others, but I just wanna tell the lady in the vid *this ain't preschool babe we gotta use our words!* 😂
11:44 "i dont fuck with that" caught my by surprise... love it haha
If people want to split the costs of a trip/outing (one person covers the activity and the other covers food, etc.), they should seriously just say so, it’s not a social misstep. Certainly less so than assuming and then throwing a fit when they don’t cover the thing you expected them to cover.
Also? If you’re planning a trip that’s outside your friend’s budget in the first place, that’s another minefield. You don’t have to swear off friends in a different income bracket, just actually accommodate them in a way that they’re actually cool with.
it feels like the woman in the tiktok is accidently admitting that she's classist
It got really ugly at the end. Yikes.
Very classist and it’s disgusting
ok, she expected the friend to cover all food and drinks? that's insane, depending on what they ate and where, that could've even been more expensive than the airbnb, or equivalent to it which the friends clearly couldn't afford in the first place. not to mention that's not her "covering" anything at all, that's just a transaction that's probably even more stressful cause you have to worry constantly how much food is gonna end up costing. she seems like a friend who's a money sink, she's "generous" when it suits her only, and the friends need to spend money to spend time with her, on things she wants to do, regardless of what her friends want.
Toxic people get toxic friends, regardless of their income difference. I agree on your points: my best friend is much richer than me, and our whole life has been him hosting the group and me organizing the events at his place, but it never felt unfair to either of us. As you said, there is so many ways to give to others without using money.
i think we always have to be in the habit of considering power dynamics - the richer friend has more power i.e. ability to make decisions, flexibility, ability to influence the outcome overall. decision-making should be equal. and we see the problems stemming from this power difference beginning with her decision to book the airbnb without properly consulting her exfriends - that set up the rest of the problem. the exfriends would also be conscious about this difference, and that is what underlies i think a lot of the discomfort that you and i would feel being in their position.
I think that people who even say "no strings attached" are implying the opposite
Ana, idk how you are being so generous to the horrific, self absorbed woman in this video. She is very clearly in the wrong and every word out of her mouth made my skin crawl.
LITERALLY
Psychologists often have to help these people so they are more likely to listen, analyze, ask further, seek out the why and whether the person wants to change.
But as a regular person who probably wouldn't be taken seriously by this lady. Um...yeah.
Motel 8 part smacked my ear violently
Like oh!.....ok
I am extremely generous, and it does get really frustrating. I've started to be less generous because I often feel taken advantage of.
My opinion here is they both should have an honest and more direct conversation with each other and try to resolve this between them. Although I can understand both parties in this story, there's just something that bothers me about the act of recording it and putting it online without having had a conversation with the person first. And if there was a conversation, it's weird not to mention it.
Iv done allot of things for my friends. I never really expected anything in return besides mutual respect. Iv gone out of my way for 2 friends who later decided I wasn't worth be friends with. one of these friends mad it a point to intentionally retraumatized me before breaking things off. We were all crisis counselors and all shared sensitive things about ourselves with each other. I felt used, abused and beyond guilty for everything they did. Reflecting on the situation with friends for some time, I know I did nothing wrong.
There is a psychological school of thought that all our deeds are ultimately self serving. Even altruism.I'm still on the bench with this.
With the birthday part, I don't feel like it was about money. I think she used money to go a semi grand gesture gift for her friend, and then she felt that her friend didn't even pay back in effort. Like it's not about the monetary side, she probably didn't expect a gift, but maybe that voicemail felt like there was no emotional labor or mental labor put into the happy birthday. It wasn't an equal trade, and that's exactly when people start paying attention to keeping score- when they feel hurt, but they haven't realized exactly the core reason why.
ETA; essentially, to prevent entitlement or resentment in a relationship, there should be an equal exchange within the means of each party. Obviously if one person has less money, then money is not a resource within their means for a gift.
It seems like she wanted a luxury travel experience with a friend and used her friend as a pawn in the scheme disregarding her feelings and circumstances from the get go, and then got annoyed when the pawn spoke or didn't play the part.
@@tedoymisojosthis. Had a friend who did the same thing (planned friend trips but took no feedback from us friends) and still expected us to not only participate but pay our portion. It's not an income thing, it's a "you'll do as I say and want," thing.
Ana i think we can all agree that friendships do not require vacationing together - trips are optional. what this misadventure sounds like is the ultimate compatibility test, and this one was a big expensive fail. if her former friend knew about the spendaholic problem she should have saved the friendship by saying “no, maybe another time (after i make my first million…)”
When I was a kid one of my close friends was extremely rich, her dad was a CEO in one of the biggest Canadian companies. There was literally no financial way of balancing the scales financially with her/her family. She wasn’t our friend because we were rich too, she was our friend because we got along well. We also had manners and were grateful for her family’s hospitality.
It’s so unhealthy to base a friendship on gift giving and the ability to buy another person’s time, appreciation or affection.
It might seem very thoughtful and kind to be giving gifts and covering expenses, but if the other person(s) are being valued by their financial contributions, and that’s not the dynamic you have agreed upon upfront, then is it actually thoughtful or controlling?
Regardless of who's wronged whom: Say it to her face! Posting your drama on social media where your friend will surely see it (and you know that), is so passive-aggressive.
Yeah, this really reminds me of my mom.
She made a great career and was helping relatives a lot. or footing the bill for a big family outing to get everyone together. all on her own initiative.
at the same time she would be very demeaning about their problems, for example. (she's paying for it, what else do they have to complain). Or she would otherwise complain that even though she keeps making these events - no one is ever thankful enough, in her eyes, or no one else shows any initiative. Just because their idea of a get together might be different.
an eventually (I was the emotional support about this never ending injustice of mom helping everyone and never feeling like they appreciate her enough) it clicked for me that there was no humanity in this interaction. everything looks grand and generous on paper, but a mutual human understanding of what people actually need is lacking, if they will even feel good being helped without asking will end up feeling patronized.
Mann this was a fun video, what an important topic. I'm always looking for how I can show up in my friendships in a way that honors both my energy and theirs, so your breakdown of appropriate sacrifices and generosity was so valuable for me. And reaction videos like this are just so fun anyway. Thank you for this!
Not quuiite the same problem as the problem being discussed in the video, but I have some friends that are SUBSTANTIALLY more wealthy than I am. Honestly you just gotta say just stuff like "I am too poor for that right now". And times when you do just get gifted trips - simply because your friend wants to take you with them. You gotta just accept it and not feel like you owe them something or that you are somehow less than them. I think most of these sorts of friendships should actually involve doing things that require zero money at all. I go out for brunch/coffee with my other middle class friends where there's no opportunity for jealousy. But with my very wealthy friends we do things like meeting at our houses for tea, baking, movie nights.
Having friends where they thoughtlessly order a $5,000 bottle of wine with dinner without even thinking about it IS going to give you an emotional reaction if you're middle class. That just has to be accepted.
Wouldn't want to be this woman's friend.
Me either she's too much
Personally, I've learnt not to give if I expect to receive, which it kind of sounds their was that expectation in this friendship. That being said their was this one girl I was constantly being generous to giving her lifts places, which I didn't mind till I noticed till she stopped thanking me. Then this one time we were doing stuff near my home so I walked their and when I arrived she expressed she didn't realise I wasn’t bring my car and her BF had dropped her their with no way of getting home! MY boyfriend had to come and take her home in the end! She never even asked me just expected. I was done after that.
The irony is I knew she made more money than me. It's not always about income some people are just takers.
I would have loved if you just say well, I wasn't far so I just walked 🤷🏻 like, no need to provide a solution for the problems others get into, especially entitled people like the one you mentioned. Anyways, great you realized and took measures
It’s sounds like you put yourself in that position though. You should’ve had more boundaries.
@@Incomodiana There's a bit more to the story but I knew I wouldn't have to see her again after that day so I decided to be nice that day then dip.
@@reporterin-ha942 I’m not blaming you. I’m being very real about the fact that you making yourself readily available to her whenever she needed, even in that moment, allowed for the abuse of your resources. You are responsible for what *you* know you can and cannot give, no matter what other people ask of you.
The situation you mentioned culminated to that point because you didn’t tell her no and she proceeded to treat you like a personal driver. I’m not saying this to be rude but, to be very honest. Even if you can’t see that or if you don’t like it.
@@reporterin-ha942 you have to be willing to tell people no even if it’s hard. That’s my point. It’s not easy and I struggle with this still. But, it’s the only way you can ensure this won’t happen to you. Being generous is nice but generosity means nothing without clear boundaries. I don’t imagine you told her your expectations about give and take just like she didn’t but, I don’t know that. Either way, your boundaries are for controlling your own actions, not others.
When I’m being generous with time, energy, money, listening, emotional support etc. and someone is not grateful, neither generous back I just stop, I stop giving and trying to prove,,my worth” by getting something back from them. Many times I experienced generosity with no stings attached. Sometimes someone doesn’t have or they believe they don’t have anything to give us back because of what they are currently going through in their life and it’s not about us it’s about them. If you touch fire 🔥 and it burns, do you do it again to see if it’s going to do the same? Maybe once more or two times but if it’s more painful with every try why would you want to continuously do so? To prove your superiority or your point that it burns, it won’t stop hurting you because you try to prove your point. If it hurts I give myself time to heal and after some time passes by I find a place with a nice fireplace where is safe and cozy- a person who is also being generous with me. ❤
well said!
My sister actually has done this to me. For years she planned family reunions and gatherings at exclusive and expensive locations knowing my finances were tight all of my life. I was a single parent of 4 while she was married with 2 kids. It’s a problem because I got excluded from so many things and then my family held it against me. This has been a source of true trauma and family issues for most of my adult life 💔thank you for your video
That is a very hands-on and interesting analysis, Ana. I think it.might be very useful for a lot of people. I am an advocate for open, clear and honest communication. Lack of communication is one of the things that can destroy a friendship, a romantic relationship etc. Both of them should have been more honest and express their desires and expectations and maybe reach a compromise.
It may be “easier” in some respects to have relationships with those from similar economic backgrounds but it’s also easy to have a full conversation with a definitive conclusion about comfort, resources, burden of responsibility and expectations.
I could easily make a video about “I’ve decided to only have friendships with people in the same IQ/EQ zone“ or “I’ve decided to only have friends with people who have the same education” but I wouldn’t because it’s kinda ridiculous in the broad spectrum of things. Saying that, in some cases that boundary may completely apply if certain behaviors are hurting you.
Sounds like a vent session on a failed friendship and she’s blaming financial circumstances solely.
& this is why girl friend groups don’t come back as friends lol bad communication, fear of confronting uncomfortable topics and a lot of assumptions. The vibes were probably off the whole week
Ana, it's enjoyable to listen to your professional and measured response to this woman because frankly, her classist attitude destroys any empathy I could have had for her. So thank you!
I had to cut ties with some close friends cuz they held all the times they helped me over my head when we disagreed on something. It made me doubt all the times they emotionally supported me cuz i didn’t know if they actually cared for me anymore.
This is the reason for clear and open communication. Details! Like very specific about what is expected
Just because she said she loved it doesn’t mean she can afford it.
the friend that makes less money, they’re is a level of guilt that you can’t reciprocate the generosity that’s probably why her friend was stressed out. It’s like dam you do all these things for me and I’m unable to return the favor it’s not really coming from a place of being ungrateful it’s literally because we can’t afford to reciprocate the gesture if that makes sense
And also, her friend might also have been the type of person that likes weighing options first which might’ve also explained why her friend felt stressed out. OP could’ve easily asked “how am I stressing you out”
In Islam, if a group of people travel together there must be a vote to who’s going to be the أمير (Aameer) meaning the leader or the one in command.
Everyone gives the leader say 100$, and he takes care of all the payments for the rest of the trip.
That way everyone enjoys the trip without thinking about money.
The leader has more responsibilities but that’s an example just to stay on topic for this video.
I'm not sure if you have before but could you please speak about retroactive jealousy regarding relationships and bodycount?
She said "don't worry about it" and then she was mad that they did what she said. Why did she offer all that? They did not ask her to
Reciprocity is important. If you are giving so much to another person and they won’t give you what you need and deserve, then that is not a good relationship for you. You should not expect gifts in return, but you should not be giving gifts to them.
Yeah, i think what the friend was uncomfortable about was exactly what happened. I think they were worried about going on this trip with their friend expecting her to mean what she said when she said not to worry about it. Progressively throughout the week, the lady covered her own meals, again, "don't worry about it." Then, on the last meal of the last night, the lady in the video exploded at her friend. And her friend had nothing to defend herself with because she trusted the video lady in spite of her gut feelings of discomfort.
And now the video lady is online, complaining to the Internet, which is a very public tear down and one which I'm sure she's expecting to make it back to the friend. And she's further demeaning the friend by blaming the outcome of this trip on her friend being poor.
Maybe I'm projecting seeing as my sister has put me in a similar situation for two vacations now. Acting generous in booking and paying for a room, only to try to make me feel bad about it later. Oh, and one of the trips was allegedly for my birthday. And I did actually pay for half of the room.
It depends. I have a friend that has paid for an Airbnb, and yet the entire trip felt like any other good time, and I have another friend that acts like she owns the place anywhere she goes, and would be MORE entitled when she is the one that pays for something. She needs a lot of external validation for some reason. On the other hand I have a homeless family member who is always scheming to turn my generosity into a profit for himself, and he tries to hide it. When confronted he will say he is "more open minded about money" than me. Which is convenient for someone who could literally NEVER be there when you need them. I wish he weren't family at this point, because wishing he had empathy is impossible. Everything with him is transactional.
None of her actions are generous, they’re manipulative! Straight up, I don’t think any of the “generous” gestures in this video came from the goodness of her heart, and that’s not to say that they were done with malicious intent, but I think she just genuinely doesn’t know what generosity is.
Hi Ana, I left this same comment on your last video, but it got buried under all the other ones, so just in case you haven't seen it, I'll repeat myself :)
Would you consider making a video on dating coaches who talk about anxious/avoidant dynamics?
I feel like there's a lot of misinformation being spread, with a justification of abusive behavior.
It's like they're trying to give false hope to "the anxious partner" (which a lot of times just sounds like person reacting to emotional abuse), by explaining the inner workings of "avoidants".
So yeah, I would absolutely love to hear your take on this.
Thanks for the suggestion! This isn't something I've looked into before, but I definitely can
@@AnaPsychology Awesome, thanks!
Hello Ana, have you ever considered making a video giving advice on how to pick good/right friends? I feel like you make points solely on how to NOT pick friends and I would appreciate advice on how to see the green flags in potencial friends.
I've touched in previous videos on drawing in friends who you feel safe with/accepted by, but this is definitely something I can discuss in more detail!
@@AnaPsychology that would be greatly appreciated 💗
Seems like a lack of communication with her friend. In my circle of friends I am the highest earner
I generously give to them with out expecting anything. At the end of the day give because you want to and it makes you feel good to share with them your many blessings
I cannot stand when people have unspoken expectations. Please just state what you want, what you need, what you expect. If you pay for dinner and expect me to get drinks, then say it. None of this "wow, that's so tacky that you didn't pay for my drinks after I volunteered to pay for everyone's dinner" because, sure, maybe it is tacky, but how was the other person supposed to know your expectation? People aren't mind-readers. And even if you felt disrespected or hurt by something, then talk about it afterwards. Unless they're not a nice person, your friend will probably be understanding and you can come to a resolution.
It also seems like her love language is gift giving and her friends was definitely not
About the reciprocity, gratefulness afterwards for the gesture. Again, did OP do the gesture to be regarded as generous, and 'more valuable' due to her gesture? If so, I'd also be reluctant to show gratefulness. Tbh, i would have canceled the trip entirely to avoid any ickiness afterwards. Maybe the friend wasn't ok establishing boundaries yet
you are really such an inspiration for me, have you done a Q&A on your channel? i have questions id love to ask you :)
Can never get enough of your content. Lol can we just meet by chance & be friends please? 😅
My perspective on this is coming from someone who didn't have money. I always had to rely on others to be able to split costs or front & it feels bad. First of all, I'm a woman, & the concept gender roles have changed greatly. But I feel inadequate on both old and new perspectives. (Old gender role) I feel like I'm not worthy/pretty enough as a woman because I haven't been able to keep a man who wants to continuously be generous like this. Or that I repel connections (men and women) in general for not being pretty enough. (New gender role) I also feel like I'm perceived as unambitious or lazy b/c I'm not making enough on my own. That or I as soon as they see my old car or see my lifestyle, they look at me as a financial burden. These are obviously generalized statements and a big part of it is me working on the "I'm not enough" cognition, I'm starting emdr soon, cbt didnt do a ton lol! (On a side note, this is also why I can't decide on just spending the money on what I saved to elevate my looks (stress has aged me) or if I should learn a new skill--& as if I have a choice. Choose your 'hard'. & I often joke that I just need to find a guy that will help me financially so I can elevate myself, most ppl would scoff, but im serious. Idk how I'm supposed to afford to be pretty and skilled enough to make the money on upkeep and afford living in America on my own! My problem is I'm a romantic, so I cant bring myself to just be with any man. In fact aside from me being financially literate and responsible, I only saved the money I did in the last year because my now ex didnt charge as much rent 😮💨).
The other thing I'd like to point out is, as you said, some of us have these 'traumas' around finances. Weird situations. Repeat situations. My mom and I were doing well at one point in life but 2008 rlly got us and we never caught up. Esp because we don't come from a wealthy family. I lived with in survival mode in my 20s, through college, joined a sorority and it was hard. I never thought about how my own finances would effect my friendships & it stung. I remember my freshman year my roommate and i got along so well. But when it came time to move out of the dorms, we talked ofnliving off campus, which would've been cheaper for me. But her parents wouldnt allow her to live with me because my mom couldn't co-sign due to filing for bankruptcy shorrly after 2008. And my grandparents wouldnt do it either, they could have. While I understand the technicality behind it all, as a 32 yr old woman today, I've never missed a payment or been in any kind of debt. I lived on 26K/yr and survived. It was stressful but I never allowed myself to live beyond my means. & it pains me to know that people will pass up great roommates, friends, or connections on things like this. You're character as a whole gets tainted because of such a small thing. I have a ton of student debt now & I'm still low middle income. But if that family took a chance on me and my character back then, it could've saved me some of that debt. Dorms are not cheap. From then on, interaction after interaction, i realize how far ahead ppl were due to their finances or having a full family (both parents or cousins, uncles)...it's all currency as u said, money isn't the only form. & having those resources & connections gives you a whole different set of problems. So I'd be complaining about something, and I'd get wide eyes of confusion. I never understood it until my mid to late 20s. And it wasnt until my 30s that I started realizing how much having a single parent can affect someones life. I always thought I beaten the odds having gotten a degree, not going into massive debt, or using drugs. But i guess i didnt quite come out unscathed.
Also, I was able to see the recruitment process for these sororities. They purposely asked questions to determine how financially well off these girls were. They told us to ask about their summer vacations, and if they said something about being on a yacht, then it was a good thing. They wanted to make sure we could afford the monthly dues which were $200-500/mo depending on the sorority. You knew which ones were more well off. The tall women with make up, spray tans, matching outfits to the T, larger rooms for recruitment, etc. & i remember going through the process myself & remember that I probably didnt get a bid from the sorority I wanted to be in because I didnt have parents to pay for a summer yacht. Lmao. My roommate was in that sorority, they invited me out a few times to exclusive and I thought they were going to give me w bid. But they didnt. And she told me years later I was black balled. Which means I would never get a bid. Im pretty sure it was because I wouldve been a financial 'risk' for them. Even tho the dues were just to pay for parties & functions. (I ended up joining a sorority with lower dues & muticultural, but even they had similar mentalities)
All this to say, I still feel some type of way about being friends with people who make a lot more. Its hard to have conversations with them sometimes. It takes both parties to have a mutual understanding. & alot of those ppl with money havent had to face as much adversity or go to therapy. Its easier to obtain contentment not having to be in survival.mode for long periods in life.
Id also like to point out that I do the same thing. There are people who make less than me and have gone down the path of drugs or having narrow mindsets because they just "dont know". I don't love being around those people because, again, its hard to have conversation. I try hard to keep myself in check there. But you do need to be careful about who you spend your time with, they will influence you in some way or another.
Since high school, I've always felt like I was in this small space. The in-between of socio economic status. There aren't many people in situations like mine. It feels really lonely. & it ruffles feathers when i talk about it being hard to be friends with ppl of different socioeconomic status, idk why its so offensive to them. Ive never brought it up as if I was accusing others, but rather as something that made me feel sad about my inability to make connections. To me, its reality. I don't think people realize the patterns behind decisions they make until you point it out.
She comes across as super patronizing. Making all the decisions. Not taking into account the other person's circumstances or feelings. She doesn't care about her friend; she's just a pawn in her plans that made the mistake of voicing its opinion. Don't like her. She's annoying, and if there was a big socioeconomic gap between us I can see how uncomfortable her attitude would be.
Personally I'm very suspicious of people who don't want to have poorer friends
Like I'm sorry, is my burden of capitalism harshing your buzz?
Anyway, when I was struggling more than I am now and I could never follow with any of my friends, they straight up found me another job.
Personally a difference in income is acceptable for me but gaps in education/intelligence are unbearable.
Generosity is found on other energetic levels too like comforting someone who feels bad.
Hi and greetings from Germany.
The woman in the video who talks about the RBNB is horrible in my eyes and I wouldn't spend time with her even if she paid me.
I accept how she feels. She’s tieyard of slumming it with broke AND dusty people. Take take take. And ungrateful.
She said "don't worry about it"
Can you make a video reaction about the Wizardliz?
Well I've been having issues with money since I was young... Just anyone, including my parents, giving me money felt like too much and I've had a hard time taking it... And from this healing but not heald point of view...It's not right. Sure the friends can't pay the Airbnb, can't pay the drinks... C'mon you could do anything or something more. My opinion is the "generous" girl shouldn't feel like tgat, the other girl was not acting as a friend enough or at all... Sounds unfair
Question. One of my closets friends of over 30 years expressed frustration over her job one day. I told her I spruced up my resume and would be glad to do hers. She sent it to me and I started it and then lagged a few days. She text me an said to put in the updates she requested as, as she wanted to apply for a job. I did and sent it to her. But she never said please when asking to edit or thank you when I did and it’s bothering me. I know
My friend is having a stressful time in life and I don’t want to lose her friendship over a Tsuen she didn’t ask for but at this point in my life, I am careful to have only interpersonal relationships with people that reciprocate the same kind of loving caring energy that I give and this made me feel some type of way. Should o speak to her about this or let it go?
I am generous and enjoy paying for my friends. I have friends who make more and less than i do and it’s never been an issue. I simply don’t expect anything in return when i choose to pay and if i am expecting something, I communicate that clearly. Sounds like this girl is a little stuck up tbh.
i also don’t assume that someone who makes more than me should pay for me or pay back my kindness. when i give its because i genuinely wanted to!
“be freely generous in ways that feel authentic to you and ways that dont feel like youre loosing something” - what if i never feel that and its always j awks, giving and recieiving, whats my move then ?
I dislike this person because she said she didn't really care about the other person's opinion. I don't know, in my opinion like I'll take the fleeting AirBnB as long as my friend is reasonable about any concerns/hold ups they have.
banger outro
She seems very controlling
These are the worst types of people ngl
Are you really friends, or are you just co-consuming?
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i just found your channel this morning, and while i have been enjoy your content so far, i found you contradicting yourself a lot in this video.
in this context, “receiving” and ”taking” are completely different things, however you use them interchangeable when agreeing with the tiktoker’s comment about splitting the bill being “tacky”. it seems like you projected your personal experience onto the comment about tackiness and concluded that the tiktoker’s friend, who was initially a receiver of “generous gestures” (that they verbally stated stressed them out), was suddenly now a fitting into your narrative of entitled or a taker simply for requesting that the bill for drinks was split.
another distinction that you mix up is the concept of reciprocity and reimbursement. if you are doing something as an act of generosity, but then you subconsciously want reimbursement in the form of an expression of gratitude or even feigning humility through some attempt at partial reimbursement or rejection of your generosity, you’re still committing emotional blackmail. since this is a topic that focuses on money, specifically friendships in different tax brackets, i think peter singer’s arguments about charity vs. duty could be applicable since this whole conversation is clearly a byproduct of late-stage capitalism. it’s not wrong to desire friendship with a reciprocal cycle of generosity through various forms of giving, but you aren’t actually being generous or doing something out of the kindness of your heart if you 1. set expectations for how people respond to your generousity (especially if those expectations aren’t made clear prior to your “act of generosity”) and 2. you don’t give people the right to choose to deny or accept your generosity (in other words, it’s not tacky to request splitting the bill in a scenario where someone’s consistent “generosity” makes you feel stressed.)
i also just want to clarity that i do enjoy your channel and videos, and my criticism isn’t rooted in malice.
Well if you are generous and they don't make a token effort to reciprocate even if they're not well off it shows if they don't think much of your generosity maybe even are entitled thinking you are better off so they deserve something too or maybe something like that?
That's true if it's transactional it's not a gift probably, maybe a bribe
Her feelings are hurt because the girl was ungrateful.
Off the bat I don’t trust the girl In the video. Something about her eyes are unsettling..
She has a rule.
The rule : When I am nice other have to be nice.
Such rule doesn’t exist.
I don’t like this woman. Big no. I can see what the friend is talking about by being stressed out by her. I can imagine she brought an exasperated, patronizing energy to the room when she covered the b&b. Now she’s just found herself a rationale for not associating with the poors, how convenient.
Tea
Agreed. She sounds very degrading & classist.
she's pretty on top of it 💀you can guess how many priviledge cards she has in her pocket
This reminded me of Friends S2 E5
Ross: "I never think of money as an issue"
Rachel: "That's because you have it"
Ross: "That's a good point"
I literally heard this scene in my head. ❤thanks for that. RIP Matthew Perry
Dear Ana, I started following you some years ago, and for no particular reason, I hadn't checked your channel in a while. You can't imagine how proud I feel seeing how much you've accomplished in all this time! You're finally a doctor and also an author! I can't wait to catch up with your content. Thank you for maintaining this channel and for all the useful insights you provide to the UA-cam community. Your work is appreciated and valued worldwide! By the way, I'm from Colombia.
Thank you so much :')
I think there’s a tremendous difference between being generous and having money. You can be friends with a millionaire but if they aren’t generous I’d rather just be with someone who has a generous spirit and gives when/ what they can because they value the other person
also i really like this format of video, i love when u talk about friendships, please make more videos like this if u can, thank u
money is not a form of affection.
in a relationship, affection is expected to be proportional because that's how the bond remains sustainable. if you bring money into those rules, you don't have a friendship; you have a contract.
money is not a form of affection.
if your intention with a gift is based on the quantifiable value you're giving that person and not based on the qualitative emotional effect it has on them, then it's not a gift; it's a debt.
money is not a form of affection.
You don't gift a $5 candy, you gift the experience of a tasty treat. You don't gift a 200$ stroller, you gift a sense of comfort to a parent. You should expect people to reciprocate affectionately, not financially.
because money is not a form of affection.
This is so amazingly worded, and 100% accurate. It’s very unfortunate that so many do not have the ability and emotional depth to ever access any meaningful understanding of these basic human concepts.🫶🏼
There are always reasons for people’s bad behavior but at the end of the day, it’s still bad behavior.
I think this simplistic view is too reductive to actually be useful. People's reason for bad behaviour is a huge indicator of whether that behaviour may change or not in the future. The same way good behaviour isn't just good behaviour, if someone is being excessively generous and nice to you for no reason, you know some shit is about to come. So bad behaviour =/= bad behaviour
And?
@@SneakySteevythe person tried to make a simple point since many people can't process past "there's reason for someone to behave badly"
@@Gaius_Julius_Caesar_Augustus yes I agree 95% of people that does harm other doesn’t do it with true bad intentions. 100% agree
@@SneakySteevy bro whatcha talking about? It's more like 40%
my god that woman seems like an awful friend... every minute of that tiktok was pure obnoxiousness
I'm not sure this woman understands the POV of someone poorer
Hey Ana, I’ve commented this before and I believe you had a video about it but I can’t find it. I’d love to hear more about envy and how it can grow ugly in friendships. It’s a topic I’m really interested in based off a friendship I had in the past that was truly one of a kind in its impact on me. I’d love to hear more of the research on envy in close relationships past the basics of what envy is etc. thanks again for an excellent video! ❤
This type of person targets genuinely nice people and makes an uncomfortable environment set with expectations for their “friend” to keep up with them and play along. When their “friend” is unable to keep up they get mad because they harbor secret animosity about them. So rather than actually being generous, they just lash out in a fit of rage because their motives to bring them down/shake them don’t work. That’s why she creates the uncomfortable environment in the first place so that the friend will submit to them, as it makes them feel better about themselves. People like this woman are extremely selfish and don’t know good feelings
This is an interesting discussion. On the surface it seems like a simple situation but it's actually quite subjective. I don't have a massive income by any means but I've always been very generous with my money because that's what my mum was always like growing up. I'm happy to shout people coffees or food or to buy them random presents that I think they'll like. It's not transactional and I don't expect anything in return, only that they're grateful for the gift and it brings them joy. Usually with this approach I find that my friends will often return the favour and shout me something, but it's not something I expect them to do. A gift is a gift and you should only give what you're comfortable giving away for free. This definitely comes back to love languages and having different lived experiences because it all shapes the way you show love and how you want to receive love
Splitting the bill is so often a topic of discussion, that I don't feel like anything that's being said here is outlandish. But if someone is straight up telling you "this is stressing me out" it might be a good idea to not disregard it but dig deeper. It's called communication. I mean they're passing you the ball and you're not passing it back.
Im very generous to people with no strings attached, its only ever been reciprocated like once.
Hell, even simple hi and how are yous have never been reciprocated despite having friends from elementary school. I dont even get happy holidatys messages even though I give them out.
Granted, Im not reaching out to everybody I know all the time either. But you cant give me a damn greeting every year like I do? lol
I mean it may be the wrong "mindset" but after doing it enough times I guess you start to realize who really cares about you and who doesnt.
And I dont think ots a very entitled mindset when you are trying to invest time into the relationship and the other isnt.
And Ill be honest, I regret some of my giving, but most of it I dont.
The friend may have acted entitled. I don't think we know enough to say for sure, but.
To me, the host is clearly the entitled one, entitled even to her friend's entitlement. Entitled to her consent (even though, it was always only a lack of consent), so much that she will pay in full to get the vacation she wants, and not discuss it further, for a number of reasons including to prevent any protest from her friend. this entitlement might just reflect her feelings looking back in retrospect, or it may be a deeper part of what caused the problem. she was clearly aware that she acted without regard for what her friend could afford. She also seems to relish that her friend took advantage of it (to the extent that she will essentially brag about it on TikTok, including $ amount). ac this strikes me as a kind of negative jealousy, wishing that she could be paid for or "spoiled" -- and she is conscious of this desire, because she takes a twist on the situation in the title: why I cannot do as my friend did and go on vacation with someone wealthier than me. (which could have been motivated in respect for her honoring her feelings ab the problem, but I frankly don't see this as the case). It's strange to me that she would prohibit herself from being in the friend's position, as if she takes issue/shame at the entire notion of having comparatively lower financial status. As for the situation overall, it could have become a dynamic lacking in emotional generosity, and she substitutes this lapse in the relationship with financial power. Which, from her heart, she might kinda realize is wrong and why she doesn't like her friend so much anymore. sorry for so much speculation.
I mean it's all very defensive, no? I'd love to hear the other friend's side of the story or how they would respond to this.. I want to know the details of what the vacation was like for her. How much did the friend get to decide to do on the trip? also from both of their perspectives, was it all going well? or before the "last straw" what were the many other straws? I do think that the friend may have chosen poorly in not paying for more throughout the trip. But still I think Ana was right on target about gift giving, and forsaking your time/money when you do so. without expecting things in return.
The hardest part is to see that she harbors anger and seems to have all this on her chest, without communicating TO her friend. her choice to make it a public matter for tiktok seems to speak for how she was not seeking real resolution with her friend. inappropriate use of social media imo, but we're left here to learn from it.
Very interesting! This reminds me of a video you recently did about matching energies.
Regardless, a true heartfelt gift should not ever come with the expectation of a gift back.
But if the friend is not appreciative at all and can’t even say thank you, it’s time to match that energy because that’s not a friend.
Also, entitlement comes from ppl of all income types, because it’s not the income, it’s the person. Her friend could be entitled, or maybe this girl herself is the one who’s acting entitled and in the wrong. Without the full story I can’t tell, but it’s definitely interesting to think about.
SPOT ON! I have done things as you stated you would within yours personal circle. Never ever give with the expectation or any color that it would be returned in some form.
I get her but I also don’t agree with how she handled the whole thing. Personally, I just feel her love language is gift giving and she just doesn’t feel reciprocated in that aspect. She just fails to realize not everyone is capable or even aware of what their love language is
Agree.i struggle with accepting certain things and always assume that there’s something they want in return,but now I’ve gotten used to changing my perception and I like how I’ve always been someone I just like giving and it makes me still feel weird bc although I genuinely do it I feel this sort of projection ?hmm perhaps someone can rephrase it
Great video. The only way it could possibly be improved would be if there were fluffy hats involved
I think she confuses love language (giving and receiving) with it has something to do how much money they have. They can still have 1 million and don't want to give you 1k but at the same time show you many others ways they care.
I mean if money spending is that important go find someone who spend money the same way as you do. Very easy. Stop making friends who don't and blaming them for thay are not🤷♀️
I’ve experienced this as well and I’m the poor one. It’s very uncomfortable and you feel like there is an expectation and that you are not enough. She felt entitled to my time and was always looking to see how much I offered or gave. It was transactional relationship. The best thing to do is leave and when I did I felt a big relief.
When I'm out with friends who earn a lot less, I expect them to not be able to contribute as much.
And if it's the other way around, most of my friends would do the same.
Some people are take-take-take because they genuinely have nothing. I wouldn't care about gestures or shows of gratitude, because at that moment there's also an element of shame on their part that they might be confronting.
Maybe it's selfishness on my part. Because from my point of view, I'm not really giving it to them because it's my experience. It's my experience of having a good night out where we can all break bread without feeling any guilt that the less well off friend had to eat breadsticks.
OK, OK, wrap it up.
I enjoy this format of video! It’s like a more sophisticated AITA Reddit analysis 😂🫶🏻
Omg yes