ADHD Aha! | Sex, intimacy, and ADHD
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- Опубліковано 22 січ 2023
- How might ADHD affect your sex life? Host Laura Key chats again with sex therapist Catie Osborn, this time about how executive function challenges can affect sex and intimacy. Spoiler: Sex is a task, and people with ADHD can struggle with task management.
To find a transcript for this episode and more resources, visit the episode page at Understood.
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The “go get dressed” example was SO HELPFUL. especially as a kid, getting dressed has always been a real journey, and my parents always got frustrated with me that it took me a long time because I was always getting distracted.
"Orgasm doesn't have to be the goal" can also be helpful to those with illnesses, disabilities, and other conditions. Intimacy of various sorts can be very satisfying for many people.
I've also found that focusing on actually enjoying what I'm experiencing makes a climax more likely to occur... Totally makes sense, right? I still need to make that shift to not prizing this "end goal" so highly but something just occurred to me: if a song doesn't give me goosebumps like it did another time or like another song does, it doesn't mean that I didn't enjoy the song.
For a lot of people feeling powerful over someone or like you "got em" is the goal.
Having ADHD I actually have an insanely high sex drive and extremely touchy it’s my love language and I can have it multiple times a day. That all or nothing thing is definitely something I do struggle with tho when it comes to my procrastination.
Me too. Very high drive
Did not know high drive was a part of adhd.I am undiagnosed but have all symptoms my entire life.high drive,need a rush/kick,hyperfocused on things I like. Cant seem to get started on importen things. Easily distracted, bored very easely. Talks very fast sometimes and over people,sometiems I dont talk at.all because im exhausted after. I also struggle with depression and anxiety and burn out episodes. Im very touchy and need lots of physical affection. What you guys think?
@@gigafia5358it's ADHD. Go see a psychiatrist
@gigafia5358 some classic symptoms right there.
Read up more on ADHD, there's a lot of symptoms.
You won't have every symptom. But most folk with ADHD will be very similar in how they present, most of them, will all have most of the symptoms.
Yes, me too, I've read often that this is the case. If you're socially challenged and meeting people is difficult, then this can add to the frustration of having a high drive.
Never having been neuro typical, I can't really validate this, but I imagine we make very good lovers, we have can have great empathy and a desire to get it right. We will make a great effort at least, to get it right. A willing volunteer is better than a 100 conscripts.
I was diagnosed with ADHD in 2000. I was given Ritalin as a child but I refused to take it after a year and haven't been treated since. ADHD has caused a lot of issues with relationships I have with people and my parents, who are very hard headed and did not tolerate my issues. ADHD has probably been the biggest barrier to actually having sex or a relationship for me, and it causes me a lot of suffering because I am very touch starved, have a high sex drive, and do not have a lot of sexual experience at age 31. Rejection sensitivity has been a constant in my life and has brought a lot of pain into my life. Other people having conversations about sex is also pretty triggering for me.
I am 53 and you are just describing me. Just the same and I hate it
I'm 25 and it's my life too.
We better start taking adderall or some other medications. We need to love happily for few years than to be miserable for long years.
If you don't mind my asking, why did you refuse the Ritalin? Was it something about that particular drug vs other options, or you just don't like your medicated self for some reason? I was just diagnosed and am waiting on my appt to get meds, so I'm just gathering info for myself. I know there are adderall shortages in the US every fall/winter and that's a drag, if you get dependent on it.
I was diagnosed with "Hyperactivity Disorder" and placed on Ridilin at age 6 .. went off it at age 9, and I got HUGE .. by grade 5 I was 130kg but I thought Id had grown out off ADHD by the end of high school as I had heard you grow out of it... nope.... I can still remember episodes of The A Team, Knight Rider, and every movie Ive seen since 1981.. yet I struggle with names and finances....I was today years old when I learned that I have been experiencing rejection sensitivity..At 13yrs I asked a girl to dance.. she said no and went over to her friends,, they pointed and laughed..it was the last time I asked a girl to dance... weird thing is, I really enjoyed performing in live theater, where rejection is common. I luckily am in a profession I love, so Im able to hyper focus even at its most stressful and exhausting moments. .Last week, on the night of my 50th birthday, I had my very first kiss, and entered into my very first relationship with the girl Ive unknowingly been madly in love with since age 15. We connected on FB in July. Im just digesting as much info about ADHD so i can at least be self aware and avoid pitfalls..lol
I've got to say that I have not been diagnosed but I related so much to your story! My sister was diagnosed a few years back and has told me countless times that I should get checked. I should really get that done. Glad to hear you are taking control in having a great life!
I’m so happy for you ❤
that's magical. best of luck!
When I was in massage school I had to do a final project. I decided on “couples therapy” where I would show couples some basic techniques but the focus was more on the “giver’s” body mechanics and communicating about what is happening - “higher/lower,” less/more pressure,” etc.
I thought this would be an easy thing to do… but it was difficult finding couples that wanted to touch each other. In the end I was able to find five couples. When I transferred the idea to my business and offered it as a service, I never got anyone request that.
It was a sad revelation.
That is so interesting. Why do you think that is? And in which country did that happen?
i would loooove to learn about that.
sometimes we can take care of a years worth intimacy in just a couple days, and then forget sex exists for 5 months
I would love to hear more about adhd, impulse control, and sexuality. This was great though and makes so much sense.
That mind reading idea to me seems like a childhood trauma response. I found Resentment toward my parents because the first people you love did things that hurt you and they were the first people you thought knew it all. Since they are in charge. So when they hurt you. You assumed they knew they were doing it and you couldn't understand why.
I wish my wife could have done that. Just opened and told me what she needed. spent years trying to figure it all out . just became pointless the loneliness the depression and anxiety finally just drove me out
ADHD only diagnosed in my 50s. Thank God for Methylphenidate. It has revolutionised my life and understanding of so much.
Rock on! 63 year old female, just diagnosed a month ago. Second week of methylphenidate. Getting stuff done at home.
I'm 47...if this was available when I was a small child- the diagnosis and medication....man! Could my life leading up to today been so much better?! I think it didn't happen because my care givers feared getting busted for abuse on me. Today, I am making the changes. The medication helps with clarification, that has lead to self awareness to bring from the unconcience to the conscience...this has been major for me.
Thankyou for this comment. I find drinking alcohol helps me to focus but I am going to get assessed officially soon and I hope to get this drug instead so I can function like everyone else without my emotions overwhelming me all the time!
Edit: I am 30 and I want to succeed in life and not feel suicidal or worthless. I know I have potential but my emotions and inability to focus get in the way all the time! Your comment gives me hope that it's never too late. Thankyou @kimberelymarkova3641
What is methylphenidate? I’ve been off/on Adderal XR and Vyvanse over the years.sometimes it works/helps and sometimes not. I need to learn more! 49 and so frustrated with my low libido. Hormones are fine, but never really understood why intimacy seems “off”, or like a task. 😮
@@nathaliep8512It's the generic name for Ritalin.
😥 every moment is precious ..
never heard more true words . This lady is reading my mind .
I am pretty sure I have ADHD, my mom said that when I was younger, they said I have add.. Anyway, I used to have an extremely high sex drive, beginning in my mid teens and on to my mid 20s, but after my first marriage, something broke. I'm sure it has something to do with the rejection sensitivity, because the first time he ever flat out told me to get off him because he was tired, I struggled to even want to make that attempt and our relationship failed miserably .. Then the next thing I knew, I didn't care if I had sex or not.. that is, until I met the man who became my second husband. But after being together for 5 years, and going through some rough times and a car accident, my sex drive has slowly dwindled down to where we have to "plan" it, but it has gotten to where it always seems like a chore ~ it feels like at times ~ to me. 😮💨
OMG. Mind blown! This explains a lot. Thank you!!!!
Sensory issues and rejection sensitivity SUCK !!!!!!!
This is so specific to me you even said the food(chicken salad) I was thinking about making while watching this and I just busted out laughing 😂😂 there are no accidents in this life I swear. I needed to see this. And I'm definitely subscribing
I could cry. Thank you.
I feel the precipice of lost thought always, as well.
Thank you, valuable information .
Damn! I'm in the early fifties and newly diagnosed with unattentive ADHD. I have thought I had a deeper underlying problem with sex since like forever. And then I saw this video and Catie Osborn explained exactly how it feels like when I'm having sex. It's extremely rare for me reaching an orgasm when I'm having sex with a woman, because it's hard to maintain focus on the sex part. This has taken a huge burden off my shoulders. Thank You so much!
Omg this is a GREAT video… wild to find out you have something in your 30’s and finally understand why you do what you do
I'd love to hear a Sex & intimacy series on Understood!
Insightful!
Mind Blown! Great video!!!
Hey hey hey hey.....I need much more of this content! I am just coming to the understanding that I may be neurodivergent and have been struggling with this exact topic for years now and I have never heard it explained so clearly. I would love a deeper dive into this topic. Thank you so much for this video.
it is certainly a perspective that is lacking. i didn't know i was neurodivergent until i was about forty. it is good to hear an empathetic person who understands this dynamic.
It seems like a big distinguisher between autistic/ADHD people and normies is how aware/oblivious they are.
Great video...👍
This seems more like women with ADHD issues. As a man with ADHD, I want sex all the time still, but I've recently started breaking it down in my head, and saying no. Mostly because my partner has changed. Married 38 years, and she's menopausal. Sex used to be amazing. My ADHD just started kicking in hard. I had no idea, until last year i had ADHD. I wonder if being in a depression for 10 years has caused it to get worse? I've nvr struggled so hard in my life to try and keep my mind and thoughts together, and do the simplest things. Sorry, i digress, i think, lol,idk. ARGH! I hate this! I can see ADHD throughout my life now, but it has definitely kicked in to overdrive since I had a stroke 3years ago. Im just finally glad to have an answer to what is going on, and im not just losing my mind.
One thing with distractions is not to try and ignore it but explicitly acknowledge it while focusing on "the task"
I can't even focus on this video and I really want to 😩
If I may suggest, try saving the video to a 'watch later' folder .. and re-watch .. I'm on my 3rd go at it, even tho' I already understood it the first couple times! LOL Sometimes our brains just need a little self-compassion.
Holy sht! Well that makes me feel allot better! But then made me feel bad again, yet another thing my adhd effects that makes my personal life so fkn awkward sometimes
I love the am I going to remember and or finish... I wanted to cry and scam for joy at the some time. I felt this. I been told by my partner and other the get over and move on. I am is full grief. I been overwhelmed to move on. 😢😅❤
2:16
i think I'm not part of this 40%, I'm obsessed with someone I'm in love with, and its interesting because it's not lust. I'm wondering if its because lust is too fleeting for me. Love actually brings me way more of a high and i love loving, affection brings me comfort.
Though i can acknowledge general attractiveness, the sexual attraction (blood rush) comes after i go through the "i think shes the one for me" phase (which admittedly doesn't take much, I'm quite a chameleon when I can't help it).
That aside, nothing can distract me in this moment because sex is something i hyperfocus on with someone I'm immensely committed to, to a point that its not about my gratification but theirs. i wonder if the task of bringing a partner to climax has anything to do with it? the relative challenge of it? sorry im rambling
This is Me😐
@@Skalyon2 95% of that, same.
I am the female twin to you. is exactly how I feel down to being loud is much more of a turn on in the physical attraction or loss, and I am very very focused. I am reading them pressure gives me a feeling of almost power or happiness.
What your describing about sexual attraction sounds like demi-sexuality
Limerence
My ex had to pee many times in the middle of sex because we did it generally for a long time. It’s hard to find a woman that has anywhere near the sex drive or want to do it daily but with her in that department was no problem. The lying and gaslighting made it hell at times.
Excellent. Now I’m dying to hear your question and end of the conversation with that neurotypical lecturer.
Love your razor-edge analogy. So easy to slip off the thought and it’s *gone* !
Diagnosed with ADHD at 58… wish I knew all this much earlier.
this talk only scratched the surface and only hinted at much more. but my adhd has definitely caused some sexual disappointment for me. i tend be overly focused on my partner's pleasure. when i can be focused on my own pleasure, and/or my partner is effective at communicating their pleasure to me, sex is very very good. when those things aren't happening sex can sometimes be disappointing.
OMG, right! Sex is a serious of tasks! 🤦🏻♀️ No wonder as I get olde, I find it tedious, like… it’s work in a sense, and I’ve always felt that there was a goal (orgasm) 😆
Relax 😊
I have ADHD and I never thought off it that way. aha.
So long ago. Even before that part relationships are a no go for me. As a middle aged man recently diagnosed who is very average looking and not wealthy I'm not looking good on paper and that's all it takes to stop a prospective partner . Besides I want my freedom the more I'm single. A partner would be nice but it's no longer on my radar. Dealing with workmates and family are hard enough. Heads pace is hard enough. Previous partners found me disengaged after a short time. One of my girlfriends was quite attractive but she wasn't kind to me anyway. Good for those who can make it work. You both express yourselves well and would help younger better folk than me.
U just need someone who understands and wants to understand more meow
wow..... damn....
Celine Dion is there for some reason - hhsaahaha dead))
where do you get certified as a sex educator and how many times can you repeat the class... just in case you don't get it the first time... asking for a friend.
But needs expressed doesn't obligate you to fulfil them
true. it's just usually better than guessing.
My wife is ADHD and we have been together for 30 years and she has struggled with these highs and lows when it comes to sex and now we’re in our mid 50s she has been in a long low we haven’t had sex for several years prior to that we had sex 3-5 times a week sometimes twice a day she refuses to go to a therapist or take any medication that might help with this 😢 so I am at the point of sex starvation and she is fully aware of her situation says she would like to be sexually thriving but has no motivation to do anything about it
Rhodiola rosea supplements should help. Good luck!
As someone who’s a high functioning autistic I know that given my experience with people irl I’m certain that I’ll never find someone to get into a relationship with because I haven’t found anyone who actually wants to connect with me as a person outside of online situations. So this video isn’t helpful for me because having the knowledge but not being confident in socializing is pointless. Good video though
I can’t get my partner to understand “I h8 when my hair grows to the velcro stage,” I keep my head shaved, but PTSD/AuDHD maybe it will be a couple of days. They mindlessly caress my head, I point out the velcroness, they casually mention how they didn’t even notice. Thankfully they are low libido at the moment and two years into my ASD diagnosis I’d rather take care of my own needs the free times it comes up. They have ADHD and cluster b personality traits, like is just rough
This is huge.
Diagnosed a few months ago at 53.
Something I would love to hear if there are studies about ADHD aspects of sex.
I suspect people do not talk about it. But I would love to know about orgasm. I seldom climax. I do ejaculate, but seldom reach orgasmic sensation peak. (Only a few times in my life) I wonder if that could be a dopamine thing? I wonder if it may be more common than I feel it is. I may be alone in this, but if I am not, it could be cool to figure it out.
I have also chased more intense experiences where it is hard/impossible to get distracted.
nah, there is no fucking way i have adhd