The “remembering sex exists” is very eye opening to me as a neurotypical wife with an ADHD husband. What makes me feel really good is whenever I bring it up my husband is like “oh yeah, I love that! Let’s do it” hahah 😆
The “go get dressed” example was SO HELPFUL. especially as a kid, getting dressed has always been a real journey, and my parents always got frustrated with me that it took me a long time because I was always getting distracted.
I find it challenging to decide what to wear and will frequently change my outfit several times. And don't get me started on my hair! I've started just wearing a hat. And then there's the weather complication. And finding this one thing I really want to wear only to realize after 10 mins looking that I gave it to the charity shop months ago.
the example still manages to underestimate the number of tasks - 7 is too low. And there's decisions at every step. That's the problem with executive dysfunction, any task can be broken into smaller tasks, and eash of those can be broken down even more, and sometimes we don't know where to stop, and it feels like a giant mountain that we will never be able to climb.
@neosmagus Indeed. The idea is to slow down, take a breath, and then climb the mountain. Be in the moment at task one, start it, don't think, and take your time.
For me, and it might be because I am male, I rarely had issues with getting dressed. Clothes were clothes. For me, it was folding the laundry. And with my (admittedly limited) intimate partners, the most frustrating ones were when she wanted me to discover what it is she enjoys. THAT is when it became a chore for me. You know your body, you know what you do and don’t want, and now I’m being forced to reinvent the wheel? No thank you.
"Orgasm doesn't have to be the goal" can also be helpful to those with illnesses, disabilities, and other conditions. Intimacy of various sorts can be very satisfying for many people.
I've also found that focusing on actually enjoying what I'm experiencing makes a climax more likely to occur... Totally makes sense, right? I still need to make that shift to not prizing this "end goal" so highly but something just occurred to me: if a song doesn't give me goosebumps like it did another time or like another song does, it doesn't mean that I didn't enjoy the song.
@@watamatafoyuit's okay to talk to thise folks about unhealthy views of sex and other people. It may be easy to clock those kind of people if you talk about deeper connection and meaning and intimacy.
All of this assumes that you have a partner who is okay with this. I've never had a partner because I am terrified of being forced into things, I'm 40.
I've personally dealt with the whole "All or Nothing thinking" issue a lot in my life, particularly as a kid (lots of partially completed homework ended up in the trash because, in my mind, an F is an F). What helped me majorly was when I heard "Anything worth doing is worth doing POORLY." (Flipping that "worth doing well" quote on its head.) The realization that SOMETHING is always better than NOTHING was a revelation that made my thinking from that front so much more manageable (and healthy). I'm also a big fan of "Don't let perfection be the enemy of progress." :)
omg, same. I used to not turn my homework in at all sometimes because I was embarrassed it wasn't finished. i couldn't recognize that handing in at least partially completed work was better than not handing in anything. I was ashamed and would rather let people think the worst in return. I still struggle with this as an adult.
This is helpful to me. My partner is being assessed for ADHD. They've always framed sex as "Work" so everything has to be perfect for them to be in the mood, whereas I find it a stress reliever that brings me closer to someone. We'll go weeks with nothing and it'll hurt me but seemingly not bother them. Framing it this was is empathetic. Not a solution, but certainly a reframe
When she says, "EVERY moment of living your life with ADHD is precious," I felt understood. That statement is so true with ADHD in every facet of life. When it comes to intimacy, specifically, of that moment when you feel so close to your partner is interrupted, the moment might be lost entirely. It can be very beautiful and fulfilling when that moment of intimacy with your partner blooms into a good shared experience. It can be extremely frustrating and disheartening when that moment is interrupted or put "on hold". Even with promises to continue after the interruption, it feels like you failed at another important thing.
i have been struggling for years with sex and unraveling the mess of neurodivergence, trauma, bad (or no) education, and identity that are involved and this helps. Would LOVE to see more content like this!
Hi, thank you for your comment! Cate is actually a host on a new podcast of ours called "Sorry, I Missed This," all about ADHD, relationships, and intimacy. You can check it out here: lnk.to/sorryimissedthis
Your comment encapsulates how this one video just resolved over two decades worth of sexual identity confusion. I struggled with the idea that I might be asexual because how easily sex and sexuality could just be forgotten or seem unimportant for long stretches, while also being an occasional fixation. I never connected this with my ADHD before.
When I was in massage school I had to do a final project. I decided on “couples therapy” where I would show couples some basic techniques but the focus was more on the “giver’s” body mechanics and communicating about what is happening - “higher/lower,” less/more pressure,” etc. I thought this would be an easy thing to do… but it was difficult finding couples that wanted to touch each other. In the end I was able to find five couples. When I transferred the idea to my business and offered it as a service, I never got anyone request that. It was a sad revelation.
Perhaps people would equate this to therapy (although it is!), and could see it as something they're failing in and need help with. The mere acknowledgement of it would be frightening. OP: Maybe do some promotions and talk about it on social media as a fun exciting thing to do or a kind thing to do for someone in pain etc..? I'd be keen anyway 😊 but I'm open to that sort of thing and I'm in a healthy relationship. Thankfully@@robertmkorte
Having ADHD I actually have an insanely high sex drive and extremely touchy it’s my love language and I can have it multiple times a day. That all or nothing thing is definitely something I do struggle with tho when it comes to my procrastination.
Did not know high drive was a part of adhd.I am undiagnosed but have all symptoms my entire life.high drive,need a rush/kick,hyperfocused on things I like. Cant seem to get started on importen things. Easily distracted, bored very easely. Talks very fast sometimes and over people,sometiems I dont talk at.all because im exhausted after. I also struggle with depression and anxiety and burn out episodes. Im very touchy and need lots of physical affection. What you guys think?
@gigafia5358 some classic symptoms right there. Read up more on ADHD, there's a lot of symptoms. You won't have every symptom. But most folk with ADHD will be very similar in how they present, most of them, will all have most of the symptoms.
Yes, me too, I've read often that this is the case. If you're socially challenged and meeting people is difficult, then this can add to the frustration of having a high drive. Never having been neuro typical, I can't really validate this, but I imagine we make very good lovers, we have can have great empathy and a desire to get it right. We will make a great effort at least, to get it right. A willing volunteer is better than a 100 conscripts.
Looking back to my youth, I have a lot of shame around not using birth control regularly. I was very driven by instinct and impulse. Lack of planning and inability to interrupt my own behavior created lots of problems for me.
Hi Melissa, hope your well. Regarding that I'd like to relay some things you might identify with. Can I do that? Also you may find if you start higher doses of stimulant meds that your one of the "lucky ones" like me who's libido shoots up 600%. It's likely to stabilise but still remain increased. I've just increased my dosage again recently and my wife is away so as you can imagine any dialogue on this would be great.
I'm 47...if this was available when I was a small child- the diagnosis and medication....man! Could my life leading up to today been so much better?! I think it didn't happen because my care givers feared getting busted for abuse on me. Today, I am making the changes. The medication helps with clarification, that has lead to self awareness to bring from the unconcience to the conscience...this has been major for me.
Thankyou for this comment. I find drinking alcohol helps me to focus but I am going to get assessed officially soon and I hope to get this drug instead so I can function like everyone else without my emotions overwhelming me all the time! Edit: I am 30 and I want to succeed in life and not feel suicidal or worthless. I know I have potential but my emotions and inability to focus get in the way all the time! Your comment gives me hope that it's never too late. Thankyou @kimberelymarkova3641
What is methylphenidate? I’ve been off/on Adderal XR and Vyvanse over the years.sometimes it works/helps and sometimes not. I need to learn more! 49 and so frustrated with my low libido. Hormones are fine, but never really understood why intimacy seems “off”, or like a task. 😮
I was diagnosed with "Hyperactivity Disorder" and placed on Ridilin at age 6 .. went off it at age 9, and I got HUGE .. by grade 5 I was 130kg but I thought Id had grown out off ADHD by the end of high school as I had heard you grow out of it... nope.... I can still remember episodes of The A Team, Knight Rider, and every movie Ive seen since 1981.. yet I struggle with names and finances....I was today years old when I learned that I have been experiencing rejection sensitivity..At 13yrs I asked a girl to dance.. she said no and went over to her friends,, they pointed and laughed..it was the last time I asked a girl to dance... weird thing is, I really enjoyed performing in live theater, where rejection is common. I luckily am in a profession I love, so Im able to hyper focus even at its most stressful and exhausting moments. .Last week, on the night of my 50th birthday, I had my very first kiss, and entered into my very first relationship with the girl Ive unknowingly been madly in love with since age 15. We connected on FB in July. Im just digesting as much info about ADHD so i can at least be self aware and avoid pitfalls..lol
I've got to say that I have not been diagnosed but I related so much to your story! My sister was diagnosed a few years back and has told me countless times that I should get checked. I should really get that done. Glad to hear you are taking control in having a great life!
@@rjaranaDo it! Get diagnosed! I am 44 now and didn‘t remotely have the idea of having ADHD. Now I have my diagnosis and in soooo many things make sense now. I am at the brink of accepting myself and forgiving myself… this so huge 😂
That mind reading idea to me seems like a childhood trauma response. I found Resentment toward my parents because the first people you love did things that hurt you and they were the first people you thought knew it all. Since they are in charge. So when they hurt you. You assumed they knew they were doing it and you couldn't understand why.
I agree. I really struggle with this. My husband and I keep having to go over it. I continually fall into the trap of believing that it “doesn’t count” if he can’t figure it out without me asking/telling him. I think part of it comes from the fact that in order for me to get help from my parents as a kid I could not directly complain to them about it because they would call me a hypochondriac, so I had to just walk around hoping they would notice on their own because that was the only time I ever received any sort of sympathy or help. You had to look like you were being a martyr otherwise you were whiny and complaining about everything.
Many of the problems associated with ADHD stem from the trauma we experience from having it and how we are treated growing up. ADHD Love explores this area a lot on their channel.
I’m 30 years old, and I just had a doctor for the first time suggest that I have adhd. I always thought I did my whole life, and I told her I have managed to get by. And she said that if I’m still having anxiety to the point of needing medication, I’m not getting by.. it’s just wild.. and then my bf sent me this video and he said it helped him understand me and my sexual side so much more. Thank you❤
I’m curious, how did your doctor advise you overcome your anxiety with adhd? I only ask because I have horrible anxiety and recently had someone suggest to me that I may have adhd. He also had adhd and could see it in me. I’m wondering if that could be the cause of my anxiety.
@ComplicatedSimplicite I recently read the book "your brain's not broken" by Tamara Rosier who explains really well how anxiety, insecurities, fear and other negative emotions get created by the way how the ADHD brain works. I highly recommend anyone with ADHD or a loved one with ADHD to read it.
Thank you for this. My husband had ADHD and it just never occurred to me it could relate to our intimacy issues. This has greatly helped me to understand our situation. ❤
@@Xtremefox7you'll have to just speak for yourself on that one. As a husband for over 20 years with ADHD I have no desire to end my relationship with my wife. Long-term relationships are preferred, consistent and predictable life is where I'm comfortable. The advice I would give to the wife is just to do some research to help understand how his brain works. Getting a new husband is a bit extreme.
Damn! I'm in the early fifties and newly diagnosed with unattentive ADHD. I have thought I had a deeper underlying problem with sex since like forever. And then I saw this video and Catie Osborn explained exactly how it feels like when I'm having sex. It's extremely rare for me reaching an orgasm when I'm having sex with a woman, because it's hard to maintain focus on the sex part. This has taken a huge burden off my shoulders. Thank You so much!
I'm in my early 20s and have a strong belief that I have undiagnosed ADHD, and I've had the same issue and hearing that some else has gone/is going through the same thing is extremely comforting. I cannot begin to express how reliving it is to know it's "normal" and there's no underlying problem with me.
I've only ever been able to complete with girls in in a relationship with. For some reason a one night stand never worked and I think because I wasn't comfortable and too much in my head about how I was performing instead of enjoying it.
Hey hey hey hey.....I need much more of this content! I am just coming to the understanding that I may be neurodivergent and have been struggling with this exact topic for years now and I have never heard it explained so clearly. I would love a deeper dive into this topic. Thank you so much for this video.
it is certainly a perspective that is lacking. i didn't know i was neurodivergent until i was about forty. it is good to hear an empathetic person who understands this dynamic.
I started to realize recently that ADHD has been what halts me from having sex in a regular committed relationship. Spontaneous or sex while dating is no big deal - tons of dopamine in the chase of that (its not about the sex its about the win lol) But with my husband? I need to expect it, plan it and have stuff taken care of so I can be in the moment. I always really enjoy it and wonder why we don't do it more... but then when it comes up, if its at a time when Im expecting to do something else (ESPECIALLY cooking) I don't wanna do it xD Understanding this helping me be more flexible in my mind and have those other needs met (planning etc) I told my partner a while ago that I need to know we are gonna have sex - lets plan it like a day in advance and use that day to flirt and build anticipation and really get my mind and body expecting intimacy - that was a game changer for me particularly. Omg my husband and I have such a physically intimate relationship and we have discussed at length how that has really made us feel physically fulfilled together without much sex
Your description is exactly what ADHD, like me, hate…all this preparation and anticipation don't work for me…it really sounds like I have to stop a day of my life in preparation for sex. Doesn't make sense…I would rather masturbate.
This is so specific to me you even said the food(chicken salad) I was thinking about making while watching this and I just busted out laughing 😂😂 there are no accidents in this life I swear. I needed to see this. And I'm definitely subscribing
I found that hitting climax first killed my interest in my very generous partner finishing up. Now that I’m trying not to climax, it’s a lot more fun. Also, telling him I wasn’t into tongue kissing after 9.5 years was scary, but went well and I’m so glad for it.
AuDHD, and asexual (not to say I dont enjoy sex, I just have less emotional attachment to it). You've vocalized so much that I've struggled with. Going through extreme burnout and depression, it becomes nearly impossible to engage in acts of intimacy with a partner when it comes to sex. Its a large reason why my last relationship failed, I think.
Excellent. Now I’m dying to hear your question and end of the conversation with that neurotypical lecturer. Love your razor-edge analogy. So easy to slip off the thought and it’s *gone* ! Diagnosed with ADHD at 58… wish I knew all this much earlier.
She casually mentioned not sleeping in the same room as your partner. This is something me and my wife have and continue to struggle with, though to a lesser extent now. I have ADHD. In order for me to fall asleep, there's a set of routines that need to happen. And because my brain goes a mile a minute, if the room is too dark or too quiet, I'm going to start thinking about all the biggest failures and embarrassing things in my life and I'm just not going to fall asleep. I don't know why my brain goes there. But it does. So, I need to have the TV on for some ASMR to help distract my brain long enough to actually fall asleep. My wife on the other hand needs it to be like a cave. Dark, quiet, and cold. I'm okay with the cold part. I started sleeping out in the living room a couple years ago. Ever since then, we both actually get better sleep. But every so often, she'll lament about how much she misses having me in there with her and waking up next to me. At first it put a big strain on our intimacy. She thought I was rejecting her in some way. Over some time, she came to understand that it had nothing to do with her and everything to do with my ADHD. Still, every now and then she'll bring it up. She knows that if she ever needs me to sleep in the bed with her for whatever reason, I will. Often I'll just wait for her to fall asleep and then go back in the living room. And that sometimes happens at 3:00 in the morning. But, open communication and education on both sides has helped us get through what could be considered a deal breaker for some people.
I was diagnosed with ADHD in 2000. I was given Ritalin as a child but I refused to take it after a year and haven't been treated since. ADHD has caused a lot of issues with relationships I have with people and my parents, who are very hard headed and did not tolerate my issues. ADHD has probably been the biggest barrier to actually having sex or a relationship for me, and it causes me a lot of suffering because I am very touch starved, have a high sex drive, and do not have a lot of sexual experience at age 31. Rejection sensitivity has been a constant in my life and has brought a lot of pain into my life. Other people having conversations about sex is also pretty triggering for me.
I'm 25 and it's my life too. We better start taking adderall or some other medications. We need to love happily for few years than to be miserable for long years.
If you don't mind my asking, why did you refuse the Ritalin? Was it something about that particular drug vs other options, or you just don't like your medicated self for some reason? I was just diagnosed and am waiting on my appt to get meds, so I'm just gathering info for myself. I know there are adderall shortages in the US every fall/winter and that's a drag, if you get dependent on it.
@@Kelzebel2012 They say there are now different drugs, non stimulants as well. So maybe worst case scenario you can get another type. According to my therapist, a well compensated ADHD is very structured and organized (also tiresome). But life organizational skills can't help with other biological aspects of it. That's why I'm also curious about getting medicated.
This is excellent advice - to dispatch the illusions and go with what's real. The idea that "if they loved me, they would know" is an impossible expectation to put on someone. The direct approach, the *real* approach, will make you feel vulnerable, but you're being true to yourself *and* your partner. And isn't that what you both deserve?
I turned 38 this month, and only got diagnosed w/ inattentive ADHD like a month ago, but have been getting treated for OCD and BDD for the last 5 years, anxiety for the last 10, and depression for over 25 years. I cannot tell you how validating this video is, as sex has always been complicated and often something I just don't do, despite having been married for years. It's illuminating to see (in addition to sleep apnea, rejection sensitivity, GI discomfort, and having been raised in a "sex is shameful" environment) that ADHD is what's likely getting in the way of even remembering sex exists in an otherwise too-busy and too-much-pressure world.
I've had the exact opposite experience - insanely high Sex drive, it's often the first thing my mind will focus on. Especially in high stress situations, it's a stress release. And one of the very few ways I manage to socialize (adhd and autism).
This is SO great! Yes, getting distracted is terrible with intimacy.. and yeah, assuming somebody knows something you don't tell them is honestly a bit rude, and will always end up disappointing both parties. You HAVE to speak up! Ask for what you want. If you never ask, the answer is always no.
OMG. What a light bulb moment! 'Sex is a task'... this is how I have always felt...even though orgasm was never a problem. It just felt like a chore and a been there done that thing.
"It is okay to communicate your needs" doesn't feel like strong enough language... It is more than okay... it is NECESSARY AND DESIRABLE. Please. Communicate what you want/need/like!!!
This is incredibly helpful for me as a person who struggled with a lot of the things you're talking about here. I did think about sex like a "task," and it caused issues with my last relationship. I never understood why, or what was really affecting me, until now. Thank you.
'Orgasm as a goal'. I admit that my partner and I did have that concept. But most importantly, sex was not a 'victory' or a 'score' or a 'conquest' as so many people seem to catalogue it. Sex is a joining, a sharing, a connection with your partner. So, with orgasm admitted as a goal, if I may extend the metaphor, the whole game is the thing. 🙂
I am pretty sure I have ADHD, my mom said that when I was younger, they said I have add.. Anyway, I used to have an extremely high sex drive, beginning in my mid teens and on to my mid 20s, but after my first marriage, something broke. I'm sure it has something to do with the rejection sensitivity, because the first time he ever flat out told me to get off him because he was tired, I struggled to even want to make that attempt and our relationship failed miserably .. Then the next thing I knew, I didn't care if I had sex or not.. that is, until I met the man who became my second husband. But after being together for 5 years, and going through some rough times and a car accident, my sex drive has slowly dwindled down to where we have to "plan" it, but it has gotten to where it always seems like a chore ~ it feels like at times ~ to me. 😮💨
I’m awfully sorry for this. I hope you can get it back. I can relate somewhat… terrible to feel that something precious inside yourself has withered :I I wish you well.
It’s so difficult. I’ve gone through asexual periods, as well as hypersexual periods. I’m currently in or leaving a hypersexual period. Orgasm shouldn’t be the goal, but at times, it absolutely is for me. I need that orgasm to give me the dopamine my dopamine starved brain is craving, just so I can focus a tiny bit. And then it becomes a cycle, an addiction. And that’s almost worse for my relationship with my husband than when I’m not craving sex at all. Medication has helped take the pressure off a lot. And I think planning sex is not a bad thing. But don’t just plan when you’re going to have it. Plan what you’re going to do-get a little wrapped up in how you’re going to connect physically, what sort of touch you want to explore. Which isn’t to say you need to stick to the plan entirely, but communicate about it-before, during, after. Sex is a task-it’s actually many tasks. When my relationship is strongest with my husband, I’m communicating what I need from him-touch, connection, cuddling, crying, laughing, massage-figuring out what I need to release. My emotional and physical needs turn on a dime with hormone fluctuations, so the most important part of the equation is checking in with myself-journaling, self love, rest, meditation. That helps me help him to help me 😂.
The problem is, the ADHD nervous system is interest based, so, we have to be interested in having sex in order to be able to function. And one thing that kills interest, especially for us, is routine/sameness. Add to that, the RSD is triggered, potentially, by hesitancy/lack of appropriate response in the other. Add the two together and it's easy to see how an ADHD person can find themselves in a long term relationship, making excuses to avoid sex because they're just not interested enough, or know that the response they'll get isn't going to be enough to carry the day. And none it is about "fault", just how do you overcome this? Unless the other person is understanding and can accommodate these needs, then the result is a fracture in the heart of the relationship. A statistically significant percentage of people with ADHD go on to get some sort of Autism diagnosis. "Strong autistic traits" in my case. This add sensory processing issues, so sometimes, the noises especially, of sex are seriously hard to not get hung up on in the moment.
The sensory experience of sexual intimacy is such an important thing to me that it rarely, if ever, feels like a task. It's an opportunity to do something I love doing and love feeling, to hyperfocus, to be in a 'flow state'... I love the synchronisation and symbiosis, or the challenge to get to that point through all the experimentation and discovery. Because I'm with someone I trust implicitly, all this can be achieved. Enjoy every moment! ❤️🙏🏼
WOW. Thank you for this. This topic has been truly taking me down. 28 years old and feeling impossible. I will lean into this. I feel a new journey of discovery and cocreation coming, greater than I could fathom.
Holy sht! Well that makes me feel allot better! But then made me feel bad again, yet another thing my adhd effects that makes my personal life so fkn awkward sometimes
I got emotional and I had to pause so I could just breathe for a minute before I could allow this ADHD brain of mine to glue back in and focus on the rest of this conversation when she said "that moment is precious." 😢 Every moment is precious when it takes me 2 to 3 times longer than everybody else to do anything because my brain just can't get there in a linear efficient way.
Never have I seen it put this way and yes I couldn't agree more. Don't we all just love when things suddenly come together and you go "Ooooooh!!" Thank you so much
I'm so glad I found this video. I recently got diagnosed with ADHD in my 30s. Right before I got married. So for two years I've been struggling with this subject on top of managing my ADHD.
We're so glad that you are here. We'd like to invite you to join our community for women with ADHD (diagnosis not required) to connect with others who have a similar lived experience. facebook.com/groups/1272005780440477/
wow this was super helpful o_o yesterday i communicated with my partner about this stuff too. it was hard to explain but i feel embarrased that my sexual energy is not all there vs his. im very cozy and casual with my intimacy. ive had a past of being pressured into intimacy and even sexual trauma as a child. my highschool flings weren't cool they called me prude. im glad to finally found a special person who is patient with me and doesnt make me feel bad on not feeling it. it def feels like a big task / performance and i want to perform well but im already thinking that I'm not going to thrive :( adhd, anxiety, depression, ocd all in one little brain lol
I have many brain breakdowns daily. I wish my brain was like the others but, it's different. I cry all the time. I wish this condition on no one. We make it look easy but, it's not. Thank you so much for this video beautiful people. ❤❤
this talk only scratched the surface and only hinted at much more. but my adhd has definitely caused some sexual disappointment for me. i tend be overly focused on my partner's pleasure. when i can be focused on my own pleasure, and/or my partner is effective at communicating their pleasure to me, sex is very very good. when those things aren't happening sex can sometimes be disappointing.
I have ADHD, and I'm on the spectrum. I love sex, but, for years now, it has driven my partner crazy that I almost always resist when she tries to initiate intimacy. It took a long time for me to assure her that it wasn't her; it was me. It just takes a lot of effort for me to switch my focus from what I was doing to what she wants to do. It's getting better as I try to be more mindful of how I operate, but it's a bit like herding squirrels.
I can’t Thankyou enough for naming what is happening to me. I have language and a better understanding of things now to be able to explain it a little bit better and to put words to my experience with ADHD.
Thank you so so much for this video, I wish everybody in, or wanting to be in, a relationship that includes physical intimacy of all kinds could listen to this!
I stumbled on this and it's like everything I've been struggling with suddenly makes sense. My whole life I've had this inner turmoil because sex just didn't work for me the way it's supposed to. But the asexual label just never fit. It was less that I wasn't interested in sex, and more like I would just forget it was a thing. I never connected my issues with my ADHD before.
Focus one day to no focus the next day is my wife, but I've come to understand that not to mention I have a higher sex drive than her she is so focused on work and with everything else in life that our sex life takes a backseat at times but when we do actually connect it definitely is something special weve been together for almost 20 years and it took us 18 years and finally both of us going through personal therapy sessions for our own issues is what finally got us to this point of understanding and compassion about our own issues and why things happen and when. Great upload
I love that this is being talked about more. Just this one podcast allowed me to shift my framework about my own sexuality ever so slightly so that I feel less shame and guilt about not liking to be touched certain ways and sometimes being touched at all, whether intimate or in day to day life. My problem with having the conversation about my dislikes are that they relate more to sensory issues that are heightened from past trauma. And I don't like to talk about it. I don't want to have to explain. But just a few conversations where you allude to the negative things but don't spell them out ain't gonna cut it. It's a process...one that's made even more difficult with ADD and communication issues lol
If I may suggest, try saving the video to a 'watch later' folder .. and re-watch .. I'm on my 3rd go at it, even tho' I already understood it the first couple times! LOL Sometimes our brains just need a little self-compassion.
This is so validating for me. I have adhd but I’m also on the spectrum, and I also suffer from pretty intense anxiety. All of those things combined mean that sex is a pretty weird experience for me and it ends up being a weird experience to my partners as well. Sometimes it feels like I’m not on earth anymore and I have to figure out what’s going on while I’m doing it. But then there’s also the element of ADHD that I run out of dopamine doing the same thing for long periods of time, so I have to switch positions fairly quickly or else I’m not having fun anymore, or I get anxious that my partner isn’t having a good time and they’re just trying to make me feel better about myself. And as someone who has the penetrating organ, it doesn’t stay hard when I’m in my head like this. When I run out of dopamine, it goes soft, and when I get anxious, it goes soft, so inevitably it ends up being unenjoyable for everyone involved. Frankly, it’s really upsetting. I just want to have normal human sex just one time in my life without freaking out about it
Omg! I am 40 and only got diagnosed with ADHD 2 years ago. I have been wondering my whole life though why I really couldn't care less about sex. I am so absolutely glad that this video popped up. It has caused a lot of issues in my relationships. I honestly could go the next 40 years and be perfectly fine never having sex again. But it is hard to find a partner with that same view lol
Thanks for sharing your experience! We're so glad that you are here. We'd like to invite you to join our community for women with ADHD (diagnosis not required) to connect with others who have a similar lived experience. facebook.com/groups/1272005780440477/
Both my wife and I suffer from ADHD. I rarely comment on videos, but I just wanted to take the time and say that this video has been immensely eye-opening, and will probably end up being quite helpful for us. Thank you.
Thank you so much for this video. It made me understand why things just didn't work ou sometimes. It also made me realize that in order to talk about what you like or don't like, you first have to know what you like or don't. And I just dont freaking know! After 25 years of male sex life, assuming there were not that many options for a guy, I never even asked myself these questions. There might actually be few things I like, especially if i'm distracted or nervous, which is almost everytime. Great material for improvement
This is the toughest part of adhd, sex is a minefield, incredibly difficult when you don’t know the pitfalls of adhd and intimacy, which in turn if your partner doesn’t understand what’s going on, will obviously take it personally, then that triggers your RSD (minefield)
I wish my wife could have done that. Just opened and told me what she needed. spent years trying to figure it all out . just became pointless the loneliness the depression and anxiety finally just drove me out
OMG, right! Sex is a serious of tasks! 🤦🏻♀️ No wonder as I get olde, I find it tedious, like… it’s work in a sense, and I’ve always felt that there was a goal (orgasm) 😆
And now they are creating a new goal for us…stop a day of your life to prepare for having sex…dude…this is so much work for a very brief reward…I'm out
Creaking bed frames, crinkling mattress protectors, neighbors doing yardwork ... So difficult to refocus. Also, when NT versions of foreplay feel like smalltalk, so you dive into kink to find foreplay that has bigger more engaging stims ~ the most beautiful part of the social contract of kink community is that you absolutely do not interrupt the people who are at play, and you do not cross into their space. For me it was shibari + fire wands + blades + electricity ... sometimes all at the same time. Shibari alone was an entirely radical shift in intimate smexual exchange, uffa! ❤ Anyone else?
ADHD has been a big challenge in my life. One aspect that has not been difficult is in the area of sex. I have a very strong sex drive and thus my partner and I have sex very often-several times a week, at the very least. We have been together for more than 18 years now and I have to say that the sex is better than ever. I have often wondered if ADHD gets some credit for this. My brain goes non-stop in 15 directions at all times, except during sex. While having sex my attention somehow goes 100% to my partner, which is a HUGE relief to my brain. It is definitely not about the orgasm for me!
i think I'm not part of this 40%, I'm obsessed with someone I'm in love with, and its interesting because it's not lust. I'm wondering if its because lust is too fleeting for me. Love actually brings me way more of a high and i love loving, affection brings me comfort. Though i can acknowledge general attractiveness, the sexual attraction (blood rush) comes after i go through the "i think shes the one for me" phase (which admittedly doesn't take much, I'm quite a chameleon when I can't help it). That aside, nothing can distract me in this moment because sex is something i hyperfocus on with someone I'm immensely committed to, to a point that its not about my gratification but theirs. i wonder if the task of bringing a partner to climax has anything to do with it? the relative challenge of it? sorry im rambling
I am the female twin to you. is exactly how I feel down to being loud is much more of a turn on in the physical attraction or loss, and I am very very focused. I am reading them pressure gives me a feeling of almost power or happiness.
Great conversation thank you! 🙏 Having just read ‘Your Blueprint for Pleasure’ by Jaiya … this was truly a life changing book - even without ADHD context - which many might find helpful … especially regarding the orgasm is not the goal, or having Celine Dion in the room!!
For years before I met my wife, I had some long-term partners and some prolonged of messing around in bachelorhood. I enjoyed sex in theory, but never pursued it like most of my other male friends did, to the point where in my early 20's I was questioning my sexuality and/or assuming borderline asexuality. I'd always say things like, "I'm just not motivated by sex," which I now understand more to mean, "Sex is so damn stressful for me it's better to just not." Now, having been married 8 years (together for 11) with 3 kids(!) and getting late-diagnosed with ADHD (that I initially thought was anxiety) at 37, I'm only now lining up that my sex life with my wife improved almost comically the moment I started treating both my anxiety in ADHD. I became more vocal about what works and what doesn't for me, more forgiving of myself, and found that things only got better, not worse. That increasing level of safety and comfort became a virtuous cycle, and things are better than ever between us. I have my moments, but like anything ADHD-related, the recognition that these moments will come and gently working your way out of them is a lifelong skill that will always take practice. All that to say, I fully agree that safety and communication are essential 🤍
I was severely traumatized years ago as a teenage, got diagnosed with ADHD. Spent my whole life fighting ADHD. I suffered severe depression and mental disorder. Not until my wife recommended me to psilocybin mushrooms treatment. Psilocybin treatment saved my life honestly. 8 years totally clean. Never thought I would be saying this about mushrooms.
As important this topic is and how great it is to feel seen...two minutes into the video and i already got distracted by the arm tattoo. Now i want one and will spend at least 30 minutes researching for the best and making appointments. So...yeah...ADHD
Great talk. This whole thing has been a huge issue for me for my whole life. The hyper fixation makes it really difficult too. Like, does sex have anything to do with this random topic I've been sucked into all week? No? Then i want nothing to do with it. Which is so fun since my wife deals with some heavy rejection sensitivity.
I love the am I going to remember and or finish... I wanted to cry and scam for joy at the some time. I felt this. I been told by my partner and other the get over and move on. I am is full grief. I been overwhelmed to move on. 😢😅❤
On conversations or issues, I learned from the Gottman's book Fight Right that many times a fight is unproductive, simply because the ratio of positive to negative reinforcements gets unsurmountable over time. change and communication takes room to breath and more work than we give it credit for, and you have to work at it as it shows up because there's no "fix" Thanks for all you do. This was a great little interview. ♥
Wish I saw this 9 months ago... might have saved my relationship after 10 years. I always had a touch of ADHD and anxiety (well, to the point of stress-induced seizures since age 13 twice a year), but when she left my ADHD habits have gone way up and now I get 'Inside Out 2' level panic attacks (but no seizures yet 👍).
While I am not officially diagnosed I highly suspect I have ADHD and regardless of whether or not I do have it everything in this podcast resonated with me. I have had that “neighbor mowing the lawn” moment and it kills any hope of intimacy happening at that time. Luckily I have a very kind and patient partner and we like to engage in what we call “silly sex” when we allow the awkwardness or outside factors to become a joke we openly make fun of and laugh at then we find our way back to intimacy
Thanks for sharing your experience! We're so glad that you are here. We'd like to invite you to join our community for women with ADHD (diagnosis not required) to connect with others who have a similar lived experience. facebook.com/groups/1272005780440477/
The “remembering sex exists” is very eye opening to me as a neurotypical wife with an ADHD husband. What makes me feel really good is whenever I bring it up my husband is like “oh yeah, I love that! Let’s do it” hahah 😆
So glad this felt helpful for you regarding your partner!
Too bad it doesn’t work the other way around. 😂 lucky you
He is lucky you initiate.
The “go get dressed” example was SO HELPFUL. especially as a kid, getting dressed has always been a real journey, and my parents always got frustrated with me that it took me a long time because I was always getting distracted.
I find it challenging to decide what to wear and will frequently change my outfit several times. And don't get me started on my hair! I've started just wearing a hat. And then there's the weather complication. And finding this one thing I really want to wear only to realize after 10 mins looking that I gave it to the charity shop months ago.
the example still manages to underestimate the number of tasks - 7 is too low. And there's decisions at every step. That's the problem with executive dysfunction, any task can be broken into smaller tasks, and eash of those can be broken down even more, and sometimes we don't know where to stop, and it feels like a giant mountain that we will never be able to climb.
@neosmagus Indeed. The idea is to slow down, take a breath, and then climb the mountain.
Be in the moment at task one, start it, don't think, and take your time.
I feel the same about taking a shower
For me, and it might be because I am male, I rarely had issues with getting dressed. Clothes were clothes. For me, it was folding the laundry.
And with my (admittedly limited) intimate partners, the most frustrating ones were when she wanted me to discover what it is she enjoys. THAT is when it became a chore for me. You know your body, you know what you do and don’t want, and now I’m being forced to reinvent the wheel? No thank you.
"Orgasm doesn't have to be the goal" can also be helpful to those with illnesses, disabilities, and other conditions. Intimacy of various sorts can be very satisfying for many people.
I've also found that focusing on actually enjoying what I'm experiencing makes a climax more likely to occur... Totally makes sense, right? I still need to make that shift to not prizing this "end goal" so highly but something just occurred to me: if a song doesn't give me goosebumps like it did another time or like another song does, it doesn't mean that I didn't enjoy the song.
For a lot of people feeling powerful over someone or like you "got em" is the goal.
I agree, but I've always been chastised - "Stop being a tease!" or "Just get to it!" 😂
@@watamatafoyuit's okay to talk to thise folks about unhealthy views of sex and other people. It may be easy to clock those kind of people if you talk about deeper connection and meaning and intimacy.
All of this assumes that you have a partner who is okay with this. I've never had a partner because I am terrified of being forced into things, I'm 40.
One thing with distractions is not to try and ignore it but explicitly acknowledge it while focusing on "the task"
I've personally dealt with the whole "All or Nothing thinking" issue a lot in my life, particularly as a kid (lots of partially completed homework ended up in the trash because, in my mind, an F is an F).
What helped me majorly was when I heard "Anything worth doing is worth doing POORLY." (Flipping that "worth doing well" quote on its head.) The realization that SOMETHING is always better than NOTHING was a revelation that made my thinking from that front so much more manageable (and healthy).
I'm also a big fan of "Don't let perfection be the enemy of progress." :)
Same!! I'm also trying to overcome this all-or nothing mentality from learning it as a kid, thank you for the mantras!!
omg, same. I used to not turn my homework in at all sometimes because I was embarrassed it wasn't finished. i couldn't recognize that handing in at least partially completed work was better than not handing in anything. I was ashamed and would rather let people think the worst in return. I still struggle with this as an adult.
Ditto!
1% better ✨
This is helpful to me. My partner is being assessed for ADHD. They've always framed sex as "Work" so everything has to be perfect for them to be in the mood, whereas I find it a stress reliever that brings me closer to someone. We'll go weeks with nothing and it'll hurt me but seemingly not bother them. Framing it this was is empathetic. Not a solution, but certainly a reframe
We are so glad that the episode was helpful for you!!
Same for me. Still frustrating as hell.😢
I am assuming the people who see sex as work is the women, and the person who see sex as a stress reliever is the man.
@@davidabulafia7145 not in at least one case.
@@davidabulafia7145unfortunately not true :(
When she says, "EVERY moment of living your life with ADHD is precious," I felt understood.
That statement is so true with ADHD in every facet of life. When it comes to intimacy, specifically, of that moment when you feel so close to your partner is interrupted, the moment might be lost entirely.
It can be very beautiful and fulfilling when that moment of intimacy with your partner blooms into a good shared experience. It can be extremely frustrating and disheartening when that moment is interrupted or put "on hold". Even with promises to continue after the interruption, it feels like you failed at another important thing.
😥 every moment is precious ..
never heard more true words . This lady is reading my mind .
i have been struggling for years with sex and unraveling the mess of neurodivergence, trauma, bad (or no) education, and identity that are involved and this helps. Would LOVE to see more content like this!
Hi, thank you for your comment! Cate is actually a host on a new podcast of ours called "Sorry, I Missed This," all about ADHD, relationships, and intimacy. You can check it out here: lnk.to/sorryimissedthis
sometimes we can take care of a years worth intimacy in just a couple days, and then forget sex exists for 5 months
I don't forget about sex, but can definitely make up for lost time.
Oh good I’m not the only one 😅
Your comment encapsulates how this one video just resolved over two decades worth of sexual identity confusion.
I struggled with the idea that I might be asexual because how easily sex and sexuality could just be forgotten or seem unimportant for long stretches, while also being an occasional fixation.
I never connected this with my ADHD before.
heKrstff
Sounds like a woman thing...
When I was in massage school I had to do a final project. I decided on “couples therapy” where I would show couples some basic techniques but the focus was more on the “giver’s” body mechanics and communicating about what is happening - “higher/lower,” less/more pressure,” etc.
I thought this would be an easy thing to do… but it was difficult finding couples that wanted to touch each other. In the end I was able to find five couples. When I transferred the idea to my business and offered it as a service, I never got anyone request that.
It was a sad revelation.
That is so interesting. Why do you think that is? And in which country did that happen?
i would loooove to learn about that.
You might have more success with a fully remote video that people can buy
I would love this service but there's not someone I have to bring in for said service! I think it's a lovely idea, however
Perhaps people would equate this to therapy (although it is!), and could see it as something they're failing in and need help with. The mere acknowledgement of it would be frightening. OP: Maybe do some promotions and talk about it on social media as a fun exciting thing to do or a kind thing to do for someone in pain etc..? I'd be keen anyway 😊 but I'm open to that sort of thing and I'm in a healthy relationship. Thankfully@@robertmkorte
Having ADHD I actually have an insanely high sex drive and extremely touchy it’s my love language and I can have it multiple times a day. That all or nothing thing is definitely something I do struggle with tho when it comes to my procrastination.
Me too. Very high drive
Did not know high drive was a part of adhd.I am undiagnosed but have all symptoms my entire life.high drive,need a rush/kick,hyperfocused on things I like. Cant seem to get started on importen things. Easily distracted, bored very easely. Talks very fast sometimes and over people,sometiems I dont talk at.all because im exhausted after. I also struggle with depression and anxiety and burn out episodes. Im very touchy and need lots of physical affection. What you guys think?
@@gigafia5358it's ADHD. Go see a psychiatrist
@gigafia5358 some classic symptoms right there.
Read up more on ADHD, there's a lot of symptoms.
You won't have every symptom. But most folk with ADHD will be very similar in how they present, most of them, will all have most of the symptoms.
Yes, me too, I've read often that this is the case. If you're socially challenged and meeting people is difficult, then this can add to the frustration of having a high drive.
Never having been neuro typical, I can't really validate this, but I imagine we make very good lovers, we have can have great empathy and a desire to get it right. We will make a great effort at least, to get it right. A willing volunteer is better than a 100 conscripts.
I could cry. Thank you.
I would love to hear more about adhd, impulse control, and sexuality. This was great though and makes so much sense.
Looking back to my youth, I have a lot of shame around not using birth control regularly. I was very driven by instinct and impulse. Lack of planning and inability to interrupt my own behavior created lots of problems for me.
Hi Melissa, hope your well. Regarding that I'd like to relay some things you might identify with. Can I do that?
Also you may find if you start higher doses of stimulant meds that your one of the "lucky ones" like me who's libido shoots up 600%. It's likely to stabilise but still remain increased. I've just increased my dosage again recently and my wife is away so as you can imagine any dialogue on this would be great.
Normally I'd be embarrassed telling this this but I'm done shoving this issue under the carpet.
ADHD only diagnosed in my 50s. Thank God for Methylphenidate. It has revolutionised my life and understanding of so much.
Rock on! 63 year old female, just diagnosed a month ago. Second week of methylphenidate. Getting stuff done at home.
I'm 47...if this was available when I was a small child- the diagnosis and medication....man! Could my life leading up to today been so much better?! I think it didn't happen because my care givers feared getting busted for abuse on me. Today, I am making the changes. The medication helps with clarification, that has lead to self awareness to bring from the unconcience to the conscience...this has been major for me.
Thankyou for this comment. I find drinking alcohol helps me to focus but I am going to get assessed officially soon and I hope to get this drug instead so I can function like everyone else without my emotions overwhelming me all the time!
Edit: I am 30 and I want to succeed in life and not feel suicidal or worthless. I know I have potential but my emotions and inability to focus get in the way all the time! Your comment gives me hope that it's never too late. Thankyou @kimberelymarkova3641
What is methylphenidate? I’ve been off/on Adderal XR and Vyvanse over the years.sometimes it works/helps and sometimes not. I need to learn more! 49 and so frustrated with my low libido. Hormones are fine, but never really understood why intimacy seems “off”, or like a task. 😮
@@nathaliep8512It's the generic name for Ritalin.
I was diagnosed with "Hyperactivity Disorder" and placed on Ridilin at age 6 .. went off it at age 9, and I got HUGE .. by grade 5 I was 130kg but I thought Id had grown out off ADHD by the end of high school as I had heard you grow out of it... nope.... I can still remember episodes of The A Team, Knight Rider, and every movie Ive seen since 1981.. yet I struggle with names and finances....I was today years old when I learned that I have been experiencing rejection sensitivity..At 13yrs I asked a girl to dance.. she said no and went over to her friends,, they pointed and laughed..it was the last time I asked a girl to dance... weird thing is, I really enjoyed performing in live theater, where rejection is common. I luckily am in a profession I love, so Im able to hyper focus even at its most stressful and exhausting moments. .Last week, on the night of my 50th birthday, I had my very first kiss, and entered into my very first relationship with the girl Ive unknowingly been madly in love with since age 15. We connected on FB in July. Im just digesting as much info about ADHD so i can at least be self aware and avoid pitfalls..lol
I've got to say that I have not been diagnosed but I related so much to your story! My sister was diagnosed a few years back and has told me countless times that I should get checked. I should really get that done. Glad to hear you are taking control in having a great life!
I’m so happy for you ❤
that's magical. best of luck!
Good luck to you, and be open with your possible girlfriend like recommended here, let she see this vid..😊
@@rjaranaDo it! Get diagnosed! I am 44 now and didn‘t remotely have the idea of having ADHD. Now I have my diagnosis and in soooo many things make sense now. I am at the brink of accepting myself and forgiving myself… this so huge 😂
That mind reading idea to me seems like a childhood trauma response. I found Resentment toward my parents because the first people you love did things that hurt you and they were the first people you thought knew it all. Since they are in charge. So when they hurt you. You assumed they knew they were doing it and you couldn't understand why.
I agree. I really struggle with this.
My husband and I keep having to go over it. I continually fall into the trap of believing that it “doesn’t count” if he can’t figure it out without me asking/telling him.
I think part of it comes from the fact that in order for me to get help from my parents as a kid I could not directly complain to them about it because they would call me a hypochondriac, so I had to just walk around hoping they would notice on their own because that was the only time I ever received any sort of sympathy or help. You had to look like you were being a martyr otherwise you were whiny and complaining about everything.
Many of the problems associated with ADHD stem from the trauma we experience from having it and how we are treated growing up. ADHD Love explores this area a lot on their channel.
I’m 30 years old, and I just had a doctor for the first time suggest that I have adhd. I always thought I did my whole life, and I told her I have managed to get by. And she said that if I’m still having anxiety to the point of needing medication, I’m not getting by.. it’s just wild.. and then my bf sent me this video and he said it helped him understand me and my sexual side so much more. Thank you❤
I’m curious, how did your doctor advise you overcome your anxiety with adhd? I only ask because I have horrible anxiety and recently had someone suggest to me that I may have adhd. He also had adhd and could see it in me. I’m wondering if that could be the cause of my anxiety.
I learned breathwork . 4,7,8 breathing
Or look up Andrew huberman breathing for stress. Its a simple short. It works 🤙
@ComplicatedSimplicite I recently read the book "your brain's not broken" by Tamara Rosier who explains really well how anxiety, insecurities, fear and other negative emotions get created by the way how the ADHD brain works. I highly recommend anyone with ADHD or a loved one with ADHD to read it.
@@Nathan_Bookwurm ooooh! Thank you so much!!! I will definitely be ordering that.
Thank you for this. My husband had ADHD and it just never occurred to me it could relate to our intimacy issues. This has greatly helped me to understand our situation. ❤
Get another husband. I’m ADHD and can tell marriage and a committed long-term relationship is not for us.😢
@@Xtremefox7you'll have to just speak for yourself on that one. As a husband for over 20 years with ADHD I have no desire to end my relationship with my wife. Long-term relationships are preferred, consistent and predictable life is where I'm comfortable.
The advice I would give to the wife is just to do some research to help understand how his brain works. Getting a new husband is a bit extreme.
Thank you so much for this video. I think this applies to most of these 'better yourself' kinds of workshops. They all assume neurotypical brains.
Wow. "The moment IS precious," made me tear up. Verbalized something I've felt and struggled with for a long, long time.
Thanks for sharing, we're so glad the video resonated! We're also super glad that you are here with us, thank you!
Omg this is a GREAT video… wild to find out you have something in your 30’s and finally understand why you do what you do
Damn! I'm in the early fifties and newly diagnosed with unattentive ADHD. I have thought I had a deeper underlying problem with sex since like forever. And then I saw this video and Catie Osborn explained exactly how it feels like when I'm having sex. It's extremely rare for me reaching an orgasm when I'm having sex with a woman, because it's hard to maintain focus on the sex part. This has taken a huge burden off my shoulders. Thank You so much!
I'm in my early 20s and have a strong belief that I have undiagnosed ADHD, and I've had the same issue and hearing that some else has gone/is going through the same thing is extremely comforting. I cannot begin to express how reliving it is to know it's "normal" and there's no underlying problem with me.
I've only ever been able to complete with girls in in a relationship with. For some reason a one night stand never worked and I think because I wasn't comfortable and too much in my head about how I was performing instead of enjoying it.
@@ChanceLaird... Same.
Hey hey hey hey.....I need much more of this content! I am just coming to the understanding that I may be neurodivergent and have been struggling with this exact topic for years now and I have never heard it explained so clearly. I would love a deeper dive into this topic. Thank you so much for this video.
it is certainly a perspective that is lacking. i didn't know i was neurodivergent until i was about forty. it is good to hear an empathetic person who understands this dynamic.
I started to realize recently that ADHD has been what halts me from having sex in a regular committed relationship. Spontaneous or sex while dating is no big deal - tons of dopamine in the chase of that (its not about the sex its about the win lol)
But with my husband? I need to expect it, plan it and have stuff taken care of so I can be in the moment. I always really enjoy it and wonder why we don't do it more... but then when it comes up, if its at a time when Im expecting to do something else (ESPECIALLY cooking) I don't wanna do it xD
Understanding this helping me be more flexible in my mind and have those other needs met (planning etc)
I told my partner a while ago that I need to know we are gonna have sex - lets plan it like a day in advance and use that day to flirt and build anticipation and really get my mind and body expecting intimacy - that was a game changer for me particularly.
Omg my husband and I have such a physically intimate relationship and we have discussed at length how that has really made us feel physically fulfilled together without much sex
Your description is exactly what ADHD, like me, hate…all this preparation and anticipation don't work for me…it really sounds like I have to stop a day of my life in preparation for sex. Doesn't make sense…I would rather masturbate.
@@Xtremefox7... 100%. If it becomes a chore, forget it, i can do it myself and enjoy it way more.
This is so specific to me you even said the food(chicken salad) I was thinking about making while watching this and I just busted out laughing 😂😂 there are no accidents in this life I swear. I needed to see this. And I'm definitely subscribing
My neighbour started mowing their lawn right before she said it 😆
I found that hitting climax first killed my interest in my very generous partner finishing up. Now that I’m trying not to climax, it’s a lot more fun.
Also, telling him I wasn’t into tongue kissing after 9.5 years was scary, but went well and I’m so glad for it.
@MoonFairy929 what a problem to have! Trying not to climax 😂
AuDHD, and asexual (not to say I dont enjoy sex, I just have less emotional attachment to it). You've vocalized so much that I've struggled with. Going through extreme burnout and depression, it becomes nearly impossible to engage in acts of intimacy with a partner when it comes to sex. Its a large reason why my last relationship failed, I think.
Excellent. Now I’m dying to hear your question and end of the conversation with that neurotypical lecturer.
Love your razor-edge analogy. So easy to slip off the thought and it’s *gone* !
Diagnosed with ADHD at 58… wish I knew all this much earlier.
She casually mentioned not sleeping in the same room as your partner. This is something me and my wife have and continue to struggle with, though to a lesser extent now. I have ADHD. In order for me to fall asleep, there's a set of routines that need to happen. And because my brain goes a mile a minute, if the room is too dark or too quiet, I'm going to start thinking about all the biggest failures and embarrassing things in my life and I'm just not going to fall asleep. I don't know why my brain goes there. But it does. So, I need to have the TV on for some ASMR to help distract my brain long enough to actually fall asleep. My wife on the other hand needs it to be like a cave. Dark, quiet, and cold. I'm okay with the cold part. I started sleeping out in the living room a couple years ago. Ever since then, we both actually get better sleep. But every so often, she'll lament about how much she misses having me in there with her and waking up next to me. At first it put a big strain on our intimacy. She thought I was rejecting her in some way. Over some time, she came to understand that it had nothing to do with her and everything to do with my ADHD. Still, every now and then she'll bring it up. She knows that if she ever needs me to sleep in the bed with her for whatever reason, I will. Often I'll just wait for her to fall asleep and then go back in the living room. And that sometimes happens at 3:00 in the morning. But, open communication and education on both sides has helped us get through what could be considered a deal breaker for some people.
I sleep better alone too.
I was diagnosed with ADHD in 2000. I was given Ritalin as a child but I refused to take it after a year and haven't been treated since. ADHD has caused a lot of issues with relationships I have with people and my parents, who are very hard headed and did not tolerate my issues. ADHD has probably been the biggest barrier to actually having sex or a relationship for me, and it causes me a lot of suffering because I am very touch starved, have a high sex drive, and do not have a lot of sexual experience at age 31. Rejection sensitivity has been a constant in my life and has brought a lot of pain into my life. Other people having conversations about sex is also pretty triggering for me.
I am 53 and you are just describing me. Just the same and I hate it
I'm 25 and it's my life too.
We better start taking adderall or some other medications. We need to love happily for few years than to be miserable for long years.
If you don't mind my asking, why did you refuse the Ritalin? Was it something about that particular drug vs other options, or you just don't like your medicated self for some reason? I was just diagnosed and am waiting on my appt to get meds, so I'm just gathering info for myself. I know there are adderall shortages in the US every fall/winter and that's a drag, if you get dependent on it.
@@Kelzebel2012 They say there are now different drugs, non stimulants as well. So maybe worst case scenario you can get another type. According to my therapist, a well compensated ADHD is very structured and organized (also tiresome). But life organizational skills can't help with other biological aspects of it. That's why I'm also curious about getting medicated.
46, this is me.
I feel the precipice of lost thought always, as well.
This is excellent advice - to dispatch the illusions and go with what's real. The idea that "if they loved me, they would know" is an impossible expectation to put on someone. The direct approach, the *real* approach, will make you feel vulnerable, but you're being true to yourself *and* your partner. And isn't that what you both deserve?
Man, the way Catie talks about adhd just makes me emotional, she just gets it
Ahh, we're so glad this episode helped you feel "seen"!
I turned 38 this month, and only got diagnosed w/ inattentive ADHD like a month ago, but have been getting treated for OCD and BDD for the last 5 years, anxiety for the last 10, and depression for over 25 years. I cannot tell you how validating this video is, as sex has always been complicated and often something I just don't do, despite having been married for years. It's illuminating to see (in addition to sleep apnea, rejection sensitivity, GI discomfort, and having been raised in a "sex is shameful" environment) that ADHD is what's likely getting in the way of even remembering sex exists in an otherwise too-busy and too-much-pressure world.
I've had the exact opposite experience - insanely high Sex drive, it's often the first thing my mind will focus on. Especially in high stress situations, it's a stress release. And one of the very few ways I manage to socialize (adhd and autism).
Thanks so much for sharing your perspective. We're glad you're here!
This is SO great! Yes, getting distracted is terrible with intimacy.. and yeah, assuming somebody knows something you don't tell them is honestly a bit rude, and will always end up disappointing both parties. You HAVE to speak up! Ask for what you want. If you never ask, the answer is always no.
OMG. What a light bulb moment! 'Sex is a task'... this is how I have always felt...even though orgasm was never a problem. It just felt like a chore and a been there done that thing.
Thanks for sharing that this was helpful for you! We're so glad you're here.
Yep! 100% Also fatigue
Is that what it is? 😯
I'd love to hear a Sex & intimacy series on Understood!
OMG. Mind blown! This explains a lot. Thank you!!!!
"It is okay to communicate your needs" doesn't feel like strong enough language... It is more than okay... it is NECESSARY AND DESIRABLE. Please. Communicate what you want/need/like!!!
This is incredibly helpful for me as a person who struggled with a lot of the things you're talking about here. I did think about sex like a "task," and it caused issues with my last relationship. I never understood why, or what was really affecting me, until now. Thank you.
'Orgasm as a goal'. I admit that my partner and I did have that concept. But most importantly, sex was not a 'victory' or a 'score' or a 'conquest' as so many people seem to catalogue it. Sex is a joining, a sharing, a connection with your partner. So, with orgasm admitted as a goal, if I may extend the metaphor, the whole game is the thing. 🙂
I am pretty sure I have ADHD, my mom said that when I was younger, they said I have add.. Anyway, I used to have an extremely high sex drive, beginning in my mid teens and on to my mid 20s, but after my first marriage, something broke. I'm sure it has something to do with the rejection sensitivity, because the first time he ever flat out told me to get off him because he was tired, I struggled to even want to make that attempt and our relationship failed miserably .. Then the next thing I knew, I didn't care if I had sex or not.. that is, until I met the man who became my second husband. But after being together for 5 years, and going through some rough times and a car accident, my sex drive has slowly dwindled down to where we have to "plan" it, but it has gotten to where it always seems like a chore ~ it feels like at times ~ to me. 😮💨
I’m awfully sorry for this. I hope you can get it back. I can relate somewhat… terrible to feel that something precious inside yourself has withered :I
I wish you well.
It’s so difficult. I’ve gone through asexual periods, as well as hypersexual periods. I’m currently in or leaving a hypersexual period. Orgasm shouldn’t be the goal, but at times, it absolutely is for me. I need that orgasm to give me the dopamine my dopamine starved brain is craving, just so I can focus a tiny bit. And then it becomes a cycle, an addiction. And that’s almost worse for my relationship with my husband than when I’m not craving sex at all. Medication has helped take the pressure off a lot. And I think planning sex is not a bad thing. But don’t just plan when you’re going to have it. Plan what you’re going to do-get a little wrapped up in how you’re going to connect physically, what sort of touch you want to explore. Which isn’t to say you need to stick to the plan entirely, but communicate about it-before, during, after. Sex is a task-it’s actually many tasks. When my relationship is strongest with my husband, I’m communicating what I need from him-touch, connection, cuddling, crying, laughing, massage-figuring out what I need to release. My emotional and physical needs turn on a dime with hormone fluctuations, so the most important part of the equation is checking in with myself-journaling, self love, rest, meditation. That helps me help him to help me 😂.
The problem is, the ADHD nervous system is interest based, so, we have to be interested in having sex in order to be able to function. And one thing that kills interest, especially for us, is routine/sameness. Add to that, the RSD is triggered, potentially, by hesitancy/lack of appropriate response in the other. Add the two together and it's easy to see how an ADHD person can find themselves in a long term relationship, making excuses to avoid sex because they're just not interested enough, or know that the response they'll get isn't going to be enough to carry the day. And none it is about "fault", just how do you overcome this? Unless the other person is understanding and can accommodate these needs, then the result is a fracture in the heart of the relationship.
A statistically significant percentage of people with ADHD go on to get some sort of Autism diagnosis. "Strong autistic traits" in my case.
This add sensory processing issues, so sometimes, the noises especially, of sex are seriously hard to not get hung up on in the moment.
Thanks for sharing your POV!
Sensory issues and rejection sensitivity SUCK !!!!!!!
It makes a healthy sexual relationship that much more difficult 😓
That, man, that!! it's so difficult to just go ahead!
I really wish more people would be able to hear that there are other ways of doing many things than what society seems to want us to do.
100%!!!!
Mind Blown! Great video!!!
I wish to God I had known forty years ago that sex is a task for people with ADHD. It would have helped a lot. Thank you!
The sensory experience of sexual intimacy is such an important thing to me that it rarely, if ever, feels like a task. It's an opportunity to do something I love doing and love feeling, to hyperfocus, to be in a 'flow state'... I love the synchronisation and symbiosis, or the challenge to get to that point through all the experimentation and discovery. Because I'm with someone I trust implicitly, all this can be achieved. Enjoy every moment! ❤️🙏🏼
WOW.
Thank you for this. This topic has been truly taking me down. 28 years old and feeling impossible. I will lean into this. I feel a new journey of discovery and cocreation coming, greater than I could fathom.
You are so welcome
Holy sht! Well that makes me feel allot better! But then made me feel bad again, yet another thing my adhd effects that makes my personal life so fkn awkward sometimes
I got emotional and I had to pause so I could just breathe for a minute before I could allow this ADHD brain of mine to glue back in and focus on the rest of this conversation when she said "that moment is precious." 😢 Every moment is precious when it takes me 2 to 3 times longer than everybody else to do anything because my brain just can't get there in a linear efficient way.
As someone with ADD (I never developed the "hyperactivity part) I wish to thank you for bringing awareness to this topic.
Never have I seen it put this way and yes I couldn't agree more. Don't we all just love when things suddenly come together and you go "Ooooooh!!" Thank you so much
You're very welcome!
I'm so glad I found this video. I recently got diagnosed with ADHD in my 30s. Right before I got married. So for two years I've been struggling with this subject on top of managing my ADHD.
We're so glad that you are here. We'd like to invite you to join our community for women with ADHD (diagnosis not required) to connect with others who have a similar lived experience. facebook.com/groups/1272005780440477/
wow this was super helpful o_o yesterday i communicated with my partner about this stuff too. it was hard to explain but i feel embarrased that my sexual energy is not all there vs his. im very cozy and casual with my intimacy. ive had a past of being pressured into intimacy and even sexual trauma as a child. my highschool flings weren't cool they called me prude. im glad to finally found a special person who is patient with me and doesnt make me feel bad on not feeling it. it def feels like a big task / performance and i want to perform well but im already thinking that I'm not going to thrive :( adhd, anxiety, depression, ocd all in one little brain lol
So glad the video was helpful!!
I'm ADHD but this sounds totally alien to me. To me it's not a task its the focus/distraction my brain constantly turns to instead of tasks.
I have many brain breakdowns daily. I wish my brain was like the others but, it's different.
I cry all the time. I wish this condition on no one. We make it look easy but, it's not.
Thank you so much for this video beautiful people. ❤❤
The amount of aha moment I had in this video , is beyond immaginable , so grateful for that conversation thank you so much!!! 💌
You're so welcome!
this talk only scratched the surface and only hinted at much more. but my adhd has definitely caused some sexual disappointment for me. i tend be overly focused on my partner's pleasure. when i can be focused on my own pleasure, and/or my partner is effective at communicating their pleasure to me, sex is very very good. when those things aren't happening sex can sometimes be disappointing.
I feel the EXACT same way!! It was so nice for this conversation to finally be started because I agree, it's barely scratching the surface
I have ADHD, and I'm on the spectrum. I love sex, but, for years now, it has driven my partner crazy that I almost always resist when she tries to initiate intimacy. It took a long time for me to assure her that it wasn't her; it was me. It just takes a lot of effort for me to switch my focus from what I was doing to what she wants to do. It's getting better as I try to be more mindful of how I operate, but it's a bit like herding squirrels.
This is insightful for me and my current relationship dynamic. Thank you for sharing 🙏
Same. “You’re the only guy I know that doesn’t want to have sex all the time” is a very common comment through my life.
I can’t Thankyou enough for naming what is happening to me. I have language and a better understanding of things now to be able to explain it a little bit better and to put words to my experience with ADHD.
Thank you so so much for this video, I wish everybody in, or wanting to be in, a relationship that includes physical intimacy of all kinds could listen to this!
Thanks for your kind words! What other topics would you like to see us address?
I stumbled on this and it's like everything I've been struggling with suddenly makes sense.
My whole life I've had this inner turmoil because sex just didn't work for me the way it's supposed to. But the asexual label just never fit. It was less that I wasn't interested in sex, and more like I would just forget it was a thing.
I never connected my issues with my ADHD before.
So glad you found this video helpful! Thanks for being here.
Thank you, valuable information .
Hello 👋🏾.
I'm currently in this field as well.
As a woman with ADHD and PMDD. I love this video.
Focus one day to no focus the next day is my wife, but I've come to understand that not to mention I have a higher sex drive than her she is so focused on work and with everything else in life that our sex life takes a backseat at times but when we do actually connect it definitely is something special weve been together for almost 20 years and it took us 18 years and finally both of us going through personal therapy sessions for our own issues is what finally got us to this point of understanding and compassion about our own issues and why things happen and when. Great upload
I love that this is being talked about more. Just this one podcast allowed me to shift my framework about my own sexuality ever so slightly so that I feel less shame and guilt about not liking to be touched certain ways and sometimes being touched at all, whether intimate or in day to day life. My problem with having the conversation about my dislikes are that they relate more to sensory issues that are heightened from past trauma. And I don't like to talk about it. I don't want to have to explain. But just a few conversations where you allude to the negative things but don't spell them out ain't gonna cut it. It's a process...one that's made even more difficult with ADD and communication issues lol
I can't even focus on this video and I really want to 😩
If I may suggest, try saving the video to a 'watch later' folder .. and re-watch .. I'm on my 3rd go at it, even tho' I already understood it the first couple times! LOL Sometimes our brains just need a little self-compassion.
Try watching it on 2x speed
I usually the video up to 1.75. That helps.
Watch on 2x speed! That’s how I get through most media!
@@krystalharris79 watch later = never...
This is so validating for me. I have adhd but I’m also on the spectrum, and I also suffer from pretty intense anxiety. All of those things combined mean that sex is a pretty weird experience for me and it ends up being a weird experience to my partners as well. Sometimes it feels like I’m not on earth anymore and I have to figure out what’s going on while I’m doing it. But then there’s also the element of ADHD that I run out of dopamine doing the same thing for long periods of time, so I have to switch positions fairly quickly or else I’m not having fun anymore, or I get anxious that my partner isn’t having a good time and they’re just trying to make me feel better about myself. And as someone who has the penetrating organ, it doesn’t stay hard when I’m in my head like this. When I run out of dopamine, it goes soft, and when I get anxious, it goes soft, so inevitably it ends up being unenjoyable for everyone involved. Frankly, it’s really upsetting. I just want to have normal human sex just one time in my life without freaking out about it
Omg! I am 40 and only got diagnosed with ADHD 2 years ago. I have been wondering my whole life though why I really couldn't care less about sex. I am so absolutely glad that this video popped up. It has caused a lot of issues in my relationships. I honestly could go the next 40 years and be perfectly fine never having sex again. But it is hard to find a partner with that same view lol
Thanks for sharing your experience! We're so glad that you are here. We'd like to invite you to join our community for women with ADHD (diagnosis not required) to connect with others who have a similar lived experience. facebook.com/groups/1272005780440477/
Both my wife and I suffer from ADHD. I rarely comment on videos, but I just wanted to take the time and say that this video has been immensely eye-opening, and will probably end up being quite helpful for us. Thank you.
You are so welcome!
Thank you so much for this video.
It made me understand why things just didn't work ou sometimes.
It also made me realize that in order to talk about what you like or don't like, you first have to know what you like or don't.
And I just dont freaking know!
After 25 years of male sex life, assuming there were not that many options for a guy, I never even asked myself these questions.
There might actually be few things I like, especially if i'm distracted or nervous, which is almost everytime.
Great material for improvement
A roleplay scenario of disciplining the lawn-mowing neighbour sounds like heaven.
I can’t even describe how helpful this was.
So glad to hear it!
This is the toughest part of adhd, sex is a minefield, incredibly difficult when you don’t know the pitfalls of adhd and intimacy, which in turn if your partner doesn’t understand what’s going on, will obviously take it personally, then that triggers your RSD (minefield)
I wish my wife could have done that. Just opened and told me what she needed. spent years trying to figure it all out . just became pointless the loneliness the depression and anxiety finally just drove me out
❤
OMG, right! Sex is a serious of tasks! 🤦🏻♀️ No wonder as I get olde, I find it tedious, like… it’s work in a sense, and I’ve always felt that there was a goal (orgasm) 😆
I'm still in my early 30's and I feel you 😆
And now they are creating a new goal for us…stop a day of your life to prepare for having sex…dude…this is so much work for a very brief reward…I'm out
Creaking bed frames, crinkling mattress protectors, neighbors doing yardwork ... So difficult to refocus.
Also, when NT versions of foreplay feel like smalltalk, so you dive into kink to find foreplay that has bigger more engaging stims ~ the most beautiful part of the social contract of kink community is that you absolutely do not interrupt the people who are at play, and you do not cross into their space. For me it was shibari + fire wands + blades + electricity ... sometimes all at the same time. Shibari alone was an entirely radical shift in intimate smexual exchange, uffa! ❤ Anyone else?
ADHD has been a big challenge in my life. One aspect that has not been difficult is in the area of sex. I have a very strong sex drive and thus my partner and I have sex very often-several times a week, at the very least. We have been together for more than 18 years now and I have to say that the sex is better than ever. I have often wondered if ADHD gets some credit for this. My brain goes non-stop in 15 directions at all times, except during sex. While having sex my attention somehow goes 100% to my partner, which is a HUGE relief to my brain. It is definitely not about the orgasm for me!
If you haven't started the Understood podcast, I really think you'd reach and help a lot of people, great channel
We have a whole podcast network, definitely check it out if you haven't already! Here on UA-cam and wherever you listen to podcasts.
i think I'm not part of this 40%, I'm obsessed with someone I'm in love with, and its interesting because it's not lust. I'm wondering if its because lust is too fleeting for me. Love actually brings me way more of a high and i love loving, affection brings me comfort.
Though i can acknowledge general attractiveness, the sexual attraction (blood rush) comes after i go through the "i think shes the one for me" phase (which admittedly doesn't take much, I'm quite a chameleon when I can't help it).
That aside, nothing can distract me in this moment because sex is something i hyperfocus on with someone I'm immensely committed to, to a point that its not about my gratification but theirs. i wonder if the task of bringing a partner to climax has anything to do with it? the relative challenge of it? sorry im rambling
This is Me😐
@@Skalyon2 95% of that, same.
I am the female twin to you. is exactly how I feel down to being loud is much more of a turn on in the physical attraction or loss, and I am very very focused. I am reading them pressure gives me a feeling of almost power or happiness.
What your describing about sexual attraction sounds like demi-sexuality
Limerence
Great conversation thank you! 🙏
Having just read ‘Your Blueprint for Pleasure’ by Jaiya … this was truly a life changing book - even without ADHD context - which many might find helpful … especially regarding the orgasm is not the goal, or having Celine Dion in the room!!
Wow! This explains so much! This is exactly the information I was looking for. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! ❤
For years before I met my wife, I had some long-term partners and some prolonged of messing around in bachelorhood. I enjoyed sex in theory, but never pursued it like most of my other male friends did, to the point where in my early 20's I was questioning my sexuality and/or assuming borderline asexuality. I'd always say things like, "I'm just not motivated by sex," which I now understand more to mean, "Sex is so damn stressful for me it's better to just not."
Now, having been married 8 years (together for 11) with 3 kids(!) and getting late-diagnosed with ADHD (that I initially thought was anxiety) at 37, I'm only now lining up that my sex life with my wife improved almost comically the moment I started treating both my anxiety in ADHD. I became more vocal about what works and what doesn't for me, more forgiving of myself, and found that things only got better, not worse. That increasing level of safety and comfort became a virtuous cycle, and things are better than ever between us. I have my moments, but like anything ADHD-related, the recognition that these moments will come and gently working your way out of them is a lifelong skill that will always take practice.
All that to say, I fully agree that safety and communication are essential 🤍
I was severely traumatized years ago as a teenage, got diagnosed with ADHD. Spent my whole life fighting ADHD. I suffered severe depression and mental disorder. Not until my wife recommended me to psilocybin mushrooms treatment. Psilocybin treatment saved my life honestly. 8 years totally clean. Never thought I would be saying this about mushrooms.
Do you think you had adhd before the trauma?
Commenting to just to simply say thank you and help your channel ❤😊
As important this topic is and how great it is to feel seen...two minutes into the video and i already got distracted by the arm tattoo. Now i want one and will spend at least 30 minutes researching for the best and making appointments.
So...yeah...ADHD
So relatable! We are glad you're here.
Insightful!
Great talk. This whole thing has been a huge issue for me for my whole life. The hyper fixation makes it really difficult too. Like, does sex have anything to do with this random topic I've been sucked into all week? No? Then i want nothing to do with it.
Which is so fun since my wife deals with some heavy rejection sensitivity.
I love the am I going to remember and or finish... I wanted to cry and scam for joy at the some time. I felt this. I been told by my partner and other the get over and move on. I am is full grief. I been overwhelmed to move on. 😢😅❤
2:16
This is such an important conversation thanks so much! I feel so seen
On conversations or issues, I learned from the Gottman's book Fight Right that many times a fight is unproductive, simply because the ratio of positive to negative reinforcements gets unsurmountable over time. change and communication takes room to breath and more work than we give it credit for, and you have to work at it as it shows up because there's no "fix"
Thanks for all you do. This was a great little interview. ♥
Covered so much that was important to me and that I wasn't aware of.
Wish I saw this 9 months ago... might have saved my relationship after 10 years. I always had a touch of ADHD and anxiety (well, to the point of stress-induced seizures since age 13 twice a year), but when she left my ADHD habits have gone way up and now I get 'Inside Out 2' level panic attacks (but no seizures yet 👍).
🎉yess to more collaboration!! Neurodivergent affirming Sex Podcast on Understood 🕊️
While I am not officially diagnosed I highly suspect I have ADHD and regardless of whether or not I do have it everything in this podcast resonated with me. I have had that “neighbor mowing the lawn” moment and it kills any hope of intimacy happening at that time. Luckily I have a very kind and patient partner and we like to engage in what we call “silly sex” when we allow the awkwardness or outside factors to become a joke we openly make fun of and laugh at then we find our way back to intimacy
Thanks for sharing your experience! We're so glad that you are here. We'd like to invite you to join our community for women with ADHD (diagnosis not required) to connect with others who have a similar lived experience. facebook.com/groups/1272005780440477/
I have ADHD and my husband is autistic so communication is very very important
I’ve watched this three times without completing it. I just looked up how to stop on roller skates while going down hill. I’m totally not adhd.