@@dancorwin9232 Most of the time a video is demonetized, it has limited ads. The last time I made a video that was demonetized, it got like 40k views and i made 20 bucks.
This question has always been strange to me since I never had a preference; when I considered myself straight i never cared about the "Fememinine Penis", and since I'm Pan I've never cared about ANY penis lol. I'm a slut through and through. 🤩
Yeah it's mainly only invalidating if you pursue someone for their genitalia while you "overlook their gender" because that signals you equate genitalia with gender
Exactly. I’m a dude w The V & I’m not here to tell anyone anywhere that isn’t into that that is wrong. Conversely, I expect people to respect my gender and acknowledge that my genitalia does not make me any less a man. You wouldn’t treat me like a woman in public with my clothes on, so why would I suddenly be one in private with my clothes off? I also don’t like the idea of being fetishized because of my genitalia-this is precisely why I am wary of spaces like Grindr despite being super pan and into other men. All the men I have dated after coming out as trans have been other trans men because I struggle with that, mixed in with a lot of past trauma involving cis dudes I’d rather not get into. Genital preferences are not inherently transphobic, it’s just VERY AGGRAVATING that far too many transphobes have used genital preferences as a means to push their very transphobic agenda. That’s the real problem.
To simplify this whole conversation: Not liking penises = ok Assuming that all trans women have penises and therefore that all of us are inherently unattractive and undateable = not ok
@theeccentric Jesus there is so much wrong with what you wrote there......vile. Perhaps think next time before typing....nobody needs to see that kind of bigoted word vomit on their screens.
@@Chickenboi4eva Frankly, gay man here: I've never been attracted to a trans-woman. Ever. Take Nathalie Wynn, for instance, who openly is preop: I had a crush on her back 8 years ago when she started on UA-cam. The minute she transitioned and I started reading her as female, it was gone. By the way, if your way of understanding someone goes against their basic sense of self, yes, we can say you're going to have an ''ideological difference'', as in you don't even get them at all to begin with. Then why would they waste their time dating you?
As a trans woman, I’m ok with people having preferences. But if you can’t date me openly because I’m trans doesn’t mean you get to sleep with me either. Cause there’s a difference between privacy and secrecy. Anyway, love your video as always ❤️❤️❤️
That is very very true. If it’s just a hook up whatever but if you’re actively trying to pursue a relationship with someone being secretive is not cool.
🐱I don't think genital preference is necessarily a problem. But it seems a lot of straight, cis men see having sex with cis women as an affirmation of their manhood. If a man thinks contact with one kind of genitalia means he's more manly while being within three feet of another kind of genitalia is a threat to his masculinity, then maybe he's got some issues. People's genitalia aren't a comment on their partner's gender or sexuality.
YES, this! Cishet men saying they have "genitalia preference" when they are actually afraid of a sort of genitalia they perceive as threatening is messed up. If they see it as threatening, it's probably because they themselves have used theirs as something threatening for their partners.
4 роки тому+9
No, a man having sex with a transwoman would be gay. That's literally it. Most men are straight
@ I think you didn't understand the basic fact of transidentity. Trans women are women. That's literally in the name. And you can't guess what genitalia they have, just like you can't guess anyone's genitalia. A gay man is a man who is attracted to men. Hope this is clearer :-)
@ Womanhood (such as manhood) is a gender. Gender is a social construct which is quite a recent invention in human history (in the whole timeline). Many traits can be associated with womanhood; this can vary over time and place. I don't know where in the world you are so I can't say with womanhood is associated with where you live.
😺 I don't think that's an unpopular opinion. I think having genital preferences is normal and can't be forced, but like you said what's gross is when people think 🙀 = girl and 🐓 = dude. It's okay to have genital preferences, but I do recommend critically thinking about your sexuality and if it really is a genital preference or if it's that you just don't like trans people.
@@annamatic85 it’s not ridiculous lol the same way you can have genitalia preferences is the same way you can have a preference for literally anything else including gender / sexuality etc.
Well put. I've been thinking about this, and honestly, I don't know if I could bring myself to have sex with a woman who had a penis*, but in my mind, I put that on about the same level as not wanting to sleep with a woman who has the same first name as my Mom or one of my Aunts. Genital preference is in that grey area where it could be transphobic, but could also not be and probably just depends on the person. * Though maybe I could, I don't know. I'm almost 40 and have enver had sex period so how do I even know what I'd be okay with? Edit: And just so we're clear here, this isn't a Down Low thing for me. I would 100% be that guy who wears a kitschy "I
This is how I feel about all preferences across the board. If Someone isn’t %1000 attracted to me I’d prefer them to leave me alone. So I can save my time for people who truly appreciate all parts of me.
Definitely and that definitely applies to so many things like race/skin color&tone/ethnicity, gender, a disability somebody has, etc.. like I’m not here as your personal lab rat while you figure yourself out. I don’t wanna be with somebody who isn’t sure, especially knowing there’s a different way other people are that they know they prefer.. it hurts me, and it’s not fair to them either like why waste your time and their time
Exactly. I agree 100%. It's a preference @ the end of the day. U like what u like. Plain & simple. Nobody should be forced to be with someone they don't want. It's not bigotry or a phobia.
Yea, this is really good to have such discussions. As long as people are civil, we are often at our best as humans when debating important matters. It's part of our evolution as a species.
@Johnny Hammersticks You are fully entitled to your own opinion, I was just saying that conversations about “bi vs. pan” or “genital preference” etc. are avoided by people in the lgbtq+ community. I think it’s better to open up a dialogue rather than shutting each other down when we have questions. I never said what my views are on this topic. You assumed them. I was just trying to thank Kat for always pushing us to talk about those sometimes uncomfortable topics.
@Johnny Hammersticks for sure it’s really uncomfortable but it doesn’t change the fact that people have genital preferences, to me it is kinda fetishizing gender but I am bisexual myself
I think that genital preferences just like other preferences when it comes to attraction are not inherently problematic. To me, it's up to everyone to evaluate their own preferences and think critically about where they come from. I had preferences growing up that I later realized were rooted in bigotry. The idea that you have to be attracted to everyone to be woke is bullshit. A pansexual person isn't any more progressive than a straight person just based on their sexuality. Preferences are fine as long as they don't perpetuate harm. When they do, that's when they are a problem.
As a trans man, someone being uncomfortable to be intimate with me because of my genitalia is understandable, not transphobic, but still saddening. It can be all those things at once and that's okay.
🐱 I honestly can’t deal with people chasing genitalia when it isn’t even binary, like until people are ready to unpack that us intersex folks exist too I really feel like we are just talking assigned gender binaries 🐱
YES. I definitely think everything exists on a spectrum, and we should really talk about it as a society. It's really unhealthy to try to put definitive labels on everything and, in doing so, shove people into boxes that don't fit them (if that makes any sense).
@@tysofly25 intersex genitalia is actually VERY COMMON (1 in every 1,000-2,000 births) but parents and physicians usually make the choice when the person is a baby. It’s not actually that rare.
i thought this was a pretty cut and dry issue. people dont get to choose their sexual preferences and they're not morally obliged to have intercourse with they're not attracted to.
I really don't think many people are actually demonizing genital preferences, I think that's a misinterpretation of people saying that claiming you wouldn't ever date/have sex with a trans person due to genital preferences is very generalizing and probably just untrue. I may be wrong, but I've participated in these conversations very often and I haven't seen anyone actually say that genital preferences are transphobic. The closest I've seen is trans folks saying that genitalia preferences make them personally feel bad, and that they couldn't date someone with any genital preference, which is equally as valid.
I think part of the issue is a lot of aggressive transphobes use (pre/non op) trans people's genitalia as a way to degenerate trans people (esp trans women) and say that (cis) people would never want to date or have sex with them because of it. so because of that escalation, a lot of other people (wanting to support trans people) escalate to denouncing any genitalia preference as transphobic.
@@_gremlinboy I think that’s true to a considerable extent; it’s normally a pretty nuanced discussion. With that said, I have absolutely discussed this issue with people who believe genital preferences are transphobic. Like, full stop. In fact, just recently, I commented in a Facebook group that I felt like this discussion was a distraction from more urgent matters facing the trans community (like homelessness) and someone immediately clapped back and told me that genital preferences were central to trans oppression and on par with murder. I feel like these types are Very Online and not broadly representative of the trans community, but it must be stated that they exist
As a cis woman with a lot of sexual trauma and body dysmorphia I really relate to when men push you to interact with certain parts of your body when you don't want them to and feeling like you're stifling them
@@aylbdrmadison1051 thank you. I have a plan but it still sucks to have lost a job that I was really happy at. At this point I'm grieving the loss of it but I'm generally managing the best I can for the circumstances.
The part about men's preference of "pleasuring the other person" was so validating. as a cis man who's so sensitive about pleasing the person i'm with, it's good to hear you be so open and honest about your experiences with laying out your boundaries to people like that. Thank you for so much honest insight!
I think that the movement to guilt and shame people who dont want to have sex with trans people as being transphobic is predatory behaviour. Same as a guy pressuring a girl in a bar who doesnt want to have sex with him because she isn't attracted to. No one has to ever be shamed or feel guilty for who they are attracted to and any attempt to try to convince them with shame or guilt is predatory
🐱 i really appreciate you including trans men in this conversation so much. i know it's because you were mostly discussing your own attraction to men, but i still find it hard to find examples of us being mentioned. i feel like the majority of cis people upset about this are cis straight men who think they are expected to be attracted to trans women. i RARELY see cis people acknowledge that men with vaginas even exist. i haven't personally seen many straight women complain that they're being forced to be attracted to trans men. i really agree with you in general. i'm a gay trans man, and i feel very similar; i'm not totally sure how i would feel attempting to date another trans man, and as a trans person who has been looked over entirely because of preferences, i wouldn't want to do that to someone else. i wish i could know if i would be 100% attracted to another trans man, or if my genital preference would prevent me from that. but of course i don't want to "try" it and risk hurting someone. but because i feel unsure, i don't think it is transphobic to have a genital preference and i am not deeply hurt by the fact that some gay men just need dick instead haha. what is transphobic to me is how much i see gay men saying that vagina is disgusting, etc. but that's perhaps less about trans men and more just...a shitty thing to say in general. anyway i think genital preference is okay when it is genuine and it's being acknowledged because you don't want to hurt your partner by not truly being attracted to them.
You summed up my thoughts entirely. To be honest though, I get tired of having to support cis people's genital preferences every time the subject of transphobia in dating comes up. Me: Hey, let's talk about what it's like to date while being trans Cis: Are you saying my genital preferences are invalid?! Genital preferences are valid, but it's not on me to support cis people liking cis genitals. They need to find their own support for that. 🐱
I'd like to add that it is not at all exclusive to trans people that they potentially don't want to do things that a partner might expect. I know cis women who don't want to do conventionally expected stuff with their genitalia. So if it is really about that, it's not a preference of genitalia but a preference in sexual practices. And most of the time this preference is - as you said - rooted in sexism and inexperience with non conforming genitalia. I really liked this episode, I like it so much that you talk about these topics. also cat emoji :D
I once had a friend I was attracted to who hated feet to the point that he’d wince when he looked at them. I found it hurtful that he’d be so put off by a part of my body, and my feet were not even a sensitive subject for me. I can’t even imagine how much more painful that would be to get that reaction to a part of yourself you might feel uncomfortable with or vulnerable about. Nobody deserves to have a romantic partner ‘put up with’ an aspect of themselves. I think your attitude Kat is so healthy. Find those special people who appreciate everything you are.
🐱 So I'm a lesbian asexual, and I feel like genital preference is valid. I obviously believe that trans women are women, but I feel very uncomfortable around the 🐓. I feel bad but I feel sweaty and nervous and totally turned off. I'll probably just take my opinion and leave.
Please leave your opinion any time you feel inspired to do so. It is valid, it's even potentially educational, and certainly is important especially in your interpersonal relationships.
@@user-dk9nh4jn9t There's an asexual spectrum, I fall where I don't mind sex (I have a gf) I'm just not sexually attracted to anyone. You're right, I don't *really* get turned on, but I meant my willingness to do the deed.
As a Bi person/someone who doesn’t care about someone’s genitalia, I still 100% understand people having a preference for certain genitalia. I feel like it’s a no-brainer. Ive never understood people who think that having a preference is hard-stop transphobic.
I feel like this is a good convo. People shouldn’t have to “tolerate” each other (LGBT OR STARIGHT) or fetishize each other. They should genuinely enjoy whom they want to be with for every part they have. It’s like skin color or ethnicity or whatever. Having a preference doesn’t make you a bad person it’s how you handle people you aren’t attracted to that makes you a bad person. Idk I’m cringey lol
Absolutely. I would only add _how we handle people we don't agree with_ as well as who we are or are not attracted to. I think this conversation is actually far more encompassing of the root issue of many (if not most) of the world's problems.
I think it is also important to think have critical conversations about why you have certain gender, skin color or ethnicity practices. If your just don't find certain traits attractive, you don't find them attractive. If you avoid certain types of people or traits because of your upbringing, or negative stere4otypes you associate with types of people, I think serious self reflection is needed to determine if it is really an issue of preference
Having a preference is valid. But a lot of people will actively go online and brag about how they would NEVER date a trans person or find one attractive and that's what I have a problem with, it feels hostile. I think these two things can get conflated sometimes tbh
Isn't that kind of normal? I mean, everyone has things they like and dislike about sex and sexual acts. Why would preference for genitalia be any different? I mean, in my case the preference is none, but that's cuz I'm Ace. I would totally be up for cuddling tho!
😅😅When said you said you want someone who can throw you across the room, I thought of that Kermit the frog meme. I imagined you as a puppet being thrown against a curtain
As someone still figuring out my sexuality, I find this conversations to be extremely insightful. I grew up in a small, fairly conservative town, and a conservative Christian home, so there are a lot of things I'm still trying to learn about the world. These types of conversations challenge me to think about myself, and about how people who are different than me might experience the world. I'm learning a lot about myself as well. I think (I hope) you've taught me some empathy here, and some open-mindedness, because I would never have thought about a lot of this. This is not a conversation I would ever have with myself otherwise. I don't know what my preferences are at this stage (I am the final-boss virgin and have dated 0 people), but whatever they are, I want to do my best to make sure they aren't rooted in socially-ingrained transphobia. I love how candid and honest, yet at the same-time so well-spoken you are. And just in general a thoughtful person. Oh my god. Every time you post a video I'm like 'yass queen educate me', but I figured I would wait to say that until I had something mildly intelligent to say as well 🐱🐱🐱 Thanks for doing what you do, and I hope to keep learning xoxo
I think you can't really control who you're attracted to and what you find attractive, but I do think it's really important that you understand your own attractions, are honest with partners about it, and don't ignore either their gender identity or physical body. Sex/intimacy kind of sucks if you're not into the WHOLE person, imo. That said, it's hard to know if you like something if you haven't tried it before, but I think just being up front in that situation and letting your partner know you don't have experience and aren't sure if you'll like it or how you'll respond will let them decide if that's something they're ok with or if that will be triggering and they don't want to try. Thanks for the thought provoking video, as always.
Just to be clear. That argument only really works with things like shows, books, games, etc where you can't really judge just from the cover or trailers. Most don't really need to try something to know they aren't going to like it. It's just instinctual.
It’s okay to have a genital preference, however for those cis people (specifically men) who prefer pre operative trans people it’s hard for me to see the line between preference/fetish
Yeah I can understand that. At some point there will be a strong clash of long term goals: keeping pre op bits versus GRS to help alleviate dysphoria. And so if the focus is on the parts and not the comfort of their SO, then you shouldn't be together. At that point it's a hindrance to both people's happiness and comfort.
Just also want to point out that people with a specific fetish are also able to see the whole person. Like a spankee has a specific sexual orientation towards spanking butts, but that doesn't mean they don't value their sexual partner as a person. It can be and and.
@@shakeitlikeanaries128 There's still an element of dehumanization that is unavoidable to some fetishes. And it would take superb communication to have this specific fetish not damage someone mentally. Case in point, there is a BIG difference between fetishizing genitals versus fetishizing spanks. One is a part of the body whereas the other is an act that almost everyone can perform. Spanking will not inherently make the spankee question their worth or if you're only with them because they are one of a few who happens to be able to provide some niche fetish. Spanking has the luxury of being typical and not inherently cause problems of self worth to the person who is asked to perform. It's easy to hurt people that we don't intend to hurt. It's easy to say that you respect someone, but still say and do things that are dangerously discouraging or devaluing. To be involved in fetishes, kinks, and all that, you really need everyone involved to have a healthy mind set and communication to be on point. And for communication like that, everyone should be open to being vulnerable, feel safe enough to speak freely and without filter, and generally have a willingness to own up to doing things wrong and change it up for your partner(s). If your partner is interested in GRS or experiences dysphoria, then fetishizing the genitals they aren't happy with or don't like to think about is just...not going to work no matter how much you believe you do so with respect.
Personally, I think that people just have a hard time accepting that not everyone will like them. Acceptance and liking someone in an intimate way are two different things and it seems like some people believe that them not being someones preference translates to them not being accepted even if thats not the case. A FtM trans Man expressed interest in me and I told them I enjoy thier friendship but I am not interested in dating them. They where confused because i"m bi but to me its not about the genitalia its the fact I have never been in a relationship with someone who is trans and i dont know if i can support them in the way they would need to be supported. Currently we are not speaking which makes me sad but I'm not going to put myself or them in a compromising position. I accept him and want him to be happy, i even think he is attractive, but as regards to other things im just not sure if i can be the support they may need.
😺 Definitely a complex subject for sure! I like to keep the following mindsets in these conversations. 1. Telling something to be attracted to something never works. 2. Being open-minded and more inclusive tends to produce better results. 3. Nobody owes anybody s3x. 4. Tolerating someone's body in the bedroom is rarely a compliment. 5. It's possible to politely decline someone's advances. 6. If someone you aren't attracted to shows interest in you, it's not automatically an insult.
I'm bi cis female and I don't really haver a genitalia preference. I do find masculine people less attractive though so its kind of the opposite for me. The trans men that Kat finds attractive I probably don't lol but it has nothing to do with the downstairs. It actually took me a long time to figure out that, "hey I am bi, I like my own and other genders but really masculine presentation isnt something I'm into," Also one of the women I dated who identifies as a lesbian is dating a trans man now and still identifies as lesbian so women are definitely capable of this thought of "whats down there is all that matters to me" thing. I don't think your opinion is unpopular I just think the way people handle it is off. 🙀
Personally I think I have a preference, but I think feminine presenting is more important to me. I am bit suspicious of lesbian women who generally say they are fine with dating transmen, especially when some lesbian circles can be very transphobic. Like I have read some gross comments about transwomen from these communities. To me their preference for transmen reads as a disbelief in their partner's gender identity, rather than acceptance. I really feel bad for those partners unless its a situation where the partner came out and they both decided to Continue the relationship.
@@sapphicsiren This situation is very interesting to me as a cis bi woman because the difference i see there is "I want to date people with a vagina that have a similar early life experience to me". Basically the fact that they were seen as a woman and have had the same struggles is what matters, not what they identify as. They have no issue dating transmen because they understand the life experience of a ciswoman? I could see how a transman's perspective is more relatable to a cis-lesbian's than a cisman, but that would be only dating AFAB people and idk if that would be transphobic. So then they just call themselves lesbian because that's easier? Personally, my preferences revolve much more around someone's chemistry with me and values rather than gender or genitalia so this doesn't apply to me, just an interesting scenario! What do you think?
@@mkdoublea3242 it comes back to the assumption that all trans men understand life as a (cis) woman, which just isn't true. Trans men identify and live as male because male is what describes them most accurately. Cis women don't all have the same early life experiences, but even if they did, trans men's wouldn't necessarily be the same as theirs.
I’ve actually been giving this some thought. I identify as straight, but I’m starting to think that mainly comes down to being attracted to masculinity, not so much the assumed genitalia
I have a friend that's been questioning and this seems to be the case cause she's been attracted to women who present more masculine and so she wonders if she's really just straight or no. We'll see tho! She's struggling lmao. Good luck to you figuring that out yourself.
I'm a 38 year old cis gay man and I have a hard time understanding why this is even a question. Maybe this is an example of the LGB not being able to relate to the T in our community. When I was in my late teens and throughout my twenties, we were fighting for the right to just be gay or bi in marriage and in the military, and to not have our private sex acts be illegal. Part of that fight was getting rid of the idea that our genitalia preference should matter at all to any other person. And the idea that someone else could tell me that my preference for a certain set of genitalia is wrong or problematic is exactly what we spent decades fighting against. I feel like this question about genitalia preference comes too close to policing other people's intimacy. I feel the same way about racial preferences.
In general, the fear of "tolerating" someone else's genitalia has been part of the reasons why I stopped pursuing relationships and exploring my sexuality over the past 2 years. In the rational parts of my mind, I understand that sex isn't the most important part of a relationship; and like you said, regardless of someone's genitalia there are plenty of other ways to be intimate and sexually satisfied. I'm a cis woman, I've found myself being attracted to people of various genders, but I do feel guilty about some of the thoughts that creep into my mind that are probably connected to transphobia and sexism. A lot of points brought up in this video made me realise there is a lot of introspection I need to do. It worries me that I may subconsciously have these problematic thoughts for a very long time. I'm not trying to turn this into a "oh woe is me" situation, I apologise if it come off like that.
🐱 fwiw, as a trans guy, i agree with you. genitals are kind of a big part of sex, and if you're not comfortable with your partner's genitals then, i mean? you're not gonna be comfortable with sex with them lol. and i dunno, maybe for some people the preference is something they can "overcome" or whatever, but i'm sure there's just as many who will never change their preferences. (whether they can't or won't, i couldn't say. but i figure it isn't anyone's fault what parts they're attracted or not attracted to.)
I’m starting to think my understanding of genital preference is being blocked by the fact that I’m not a native English speaker. To me, when I don’t know a word I look it up, and when I look up preference (I knew this word but I heard people using it in a weird way). “a greater liking for one alternative over another or others” So for me, I am a lesbian and I also do not find penises sexually attractive, and I know not everyone has the genitalia you might think. This is all true and having a certain set of genitals does not dictate which gender you are, that is 100% valid and true. My issue is I don’t understand why people call it a preference. To me it feels invalidating due to the definition of the word. To me I don’t “prefer” vaginas, I am ONLY turned on sexually by the presence of one, and I have absolutely no sexual attraction to penises, they might as well be doormats because that’s about as much as I would notice a penis, no chemical reaction, no flush of warmth, no increased heart rate, no nothing, they do nothing for me. I tried when I came out as Bi and quickly found out that nope, just gay, and I just like vaginas. Like it’s as simple as that. So how is that a preference? I feel like calling it a preference infers there is a choice, like how I would order a Coke and they ask if Pepsi is okay, well I’m going to say yes it’s fine, I just prefer Coke. In my case it’s not that at al with genitals, I would not want to engage sexually at all with a penis as I have no attraction to one, I have no clue what to do with it, and considering everything is structurally phallic in this world I’m pretty worn out from seeing penises in every aspect of design (I’m a designer I notice these things). Now I don’t hate penises, I’m just not going to even attempt anything sexual with one because I would be putting myself in a position where I feel uncomfortable. So I’m just asking why does everyone call this a preference when it’s not the reality for some people?
🐱 this somewhat reminds me of the discussion that's often had in asexual/aromantic circles about the divide between sexual and romantic attraction. Because there are plenty of folks attracted to ace people and they even click romantically, but if one is sex averse and the other has sexual needs that they need met....then maybe it just isn't gonna work. And that's not shallow, that's knowing what your needs are and communicating that.
this is so important. Just because I don't want to have sex with you doesn't mean I'm invalidating your gender identity. Sexual attraction is also a spectrum and preference for certain physical features is 100% normal. I think it's low key crappy to force people to feel guilty about being squicked about certain genitalia. I'm on the ace spectrum (sex and most genetalia is gross for me for a multitude of reasons) but that doesn't stop my romantic feelings. I can feel hella romantic towards cis men but I don't want to have sex with them. expecting people to be sexually attracted to everyone just sucks. It's not transphobic it's just a shitty situation. :/ being asexual i can't change and unfortunately the dating pool is more closed to me too. But most people need sex in a relationship and I can't get mad at them as much as they should get mad at me. nuances are important. like i have tried penises many a time and i just... don't enjoy it. I'm not gonna say it won't ever happen but it's very unlikely that if i keep trying something i don't like I'm suddenly gonna like it;;; I perfer humans with vaginas if I'm having sex. but I'm prone to being romantic with anyone.
As a cis lesbian, I can relate a bit. The idea of having sex with a dick makes me want to vomit, but that doesn’t mean that pre-op trans women aren’t women. I just don’t like the double standard of telling cis lesbians they are transphobic because they don’t want to have sex with a dick, but respecting cis gay men for not wanting to have sex with a vagina. Of course, you are transphobic if you don’t respect someone’s identity. But honestly as long as you do respect what people identify as, but don’t want to have sex with them, I don’t see why it would be transphobic.
@@RenaissanceRockerBoy : I agree fully with both of you, except I only like dick personally for sex, but feel more inclined to be romantic with women (regardless of their genitalia). But I think part of the problem is people misuse the actual words so often, that this is a big part of why things sometimes get so messy. For instance, you're both obviously literate in the English language, but I constantly read comments on all sorts of subjects from political, to medicine, video games and modding, music theory etc where people are not. I've found a commonality in that much of the messes are coming from those who are less than literate (this is especially true in American politics), and are often or near constantly using words they misunderstand, or even in the extreme are intentionally misrepresenting the meaning(s) of.
@@RenaissanceRockerBoy I'm a d*ke, and I concur about that double standard. Though I am starting to see gay guys getting it pushed on them online lately. Their reaction is a true sight to behold. They are agast that anyone could ever think that they should even consider a 🐈 for a split second Not that I don't feel the same way as them they just express it more. I'm pretty sure we just get the pressure way more because of good old fashioned sexism. Plus we are a little more used to 🐓 being pushed on us from birth so I think we actually fight it less.
🐱 I'm a early-in-transition trans woman who has a lot of dysphoria about down there and so I personally want to find relationships that don't focus on down there. So, I need to understand ppl's preferences to understand what sort of relationship I could hav with them.
You don't need to know anything about anyone, what you need to know is what they're willing to tell you. You're also wasting were time going after straight males, as a straight male I can promise we will never want you
Thank you for posting this! This is something I've been thinking about a lot lately. I've historically been attracted to all genders, but I've always had what I can only describe as almost a phobia of penises specifically in a sexual sense. As I have grown in my own gender identity, and come to terms with my transness, (I am trans masculine) I have realized that a huge part of this "phobia", if not all of it, comes from the fear I have of impregnation. I am someone who could, in theory, get pregnant if I had sex with someone with a penis, and as a trans masculine person, being impregnated is one of the most terrifying and dysphoria inducing things I can imagine. Even if I could get plan B, even if I could get an abortion, the concept of that even happening at all is just utterly terrifying to me. To echo what you said, I would feel horrible about hurting a trans woman, or trans feminine person who had a penis because of this preference, because I know what it's like to experience judgement in relationships as a trans person. That being said, I don't think that my own feelings would be hurt if someone told me that they didn't want to have sex with me anymore once they found out that I had a vagina, and that's why I would hope that anyone else would also not be hurt by that. It might bum me out if they were someone I liked, but I think I would understand. And again, to echo what you said, I wouldn't want to date someone who didn't like my genitalia, or was uncomfortable with it, and I also wouldn't want to do that to someone else. No trans person should feel like they need to have surgery to alter their genitalia. I personally will probably not be doing anything to change my own. And sometimes that makes me worry I'm a hypocrite that I'm only really comfortable with dating people who have vaginas, regardless of what their gender identity is. But I also know I can't change that aspect of my dysphoria, and I need to do what's best for my mental health. I really appreciate this video and your thoughts on the matter! It feels good to know that I'm not the only trans person who feels this way. Love your videos, doubt you'll see this comment, but if you do, I hope you're having a great day! ❤️
😸 It's always interesting for me as a lesbian to hear your perspectives about genital preference from a straight trans woman. I find that cishet ppl often don't talk about sex in this introspective way but lesbians do. I'm stone, which means I don't prefer having my 😸 touched during sex and this is really common for lesbians. Obviously some lesbians don't want to be with me for this and might feel like they're missing out, but I haven't had many try to argue with me about it. Most just accept that we're incompatible in bed and move on. I sometimes wonder how many cishet people actually don't enjoy having their genitals touched but force themselves to put up with it because it's expected.
I'm a trans guy and I really agree with your thoughts on this. Yeah it might hurt if someone doesn't see me totally as guy or doesnt wanna sleep with me because of my lack of.... but I would rather them be straight up and say it than go down an uncomfortable road. 😸
This is semi related but interesting: I didn't realize trans people existed until college: I had seen some... relevant porn, but I thought those people were intersex (i didn't know that term at the time) so I was raised in an extreme level of trans erasure.
Another piece of this conversation too is that a lot of cis people equate having a genital preference and not wanting to date trans people at all. Which is a problem because not all trans people do have those genitals (if they've had bottom surgery). So, some people having this conversation are pointing out how people say "no trans people" claiming that it is a genital preference, without considering the fact that trans people who have had bottom surgery exist (or without considering much else about trans people -- similar to your point about the cis men who will date AFAB trans and nonbinary people because they only see them as their ASAB). So from what I can see, a big issue with the "genital preference" argument is that often it's not actually about genital preference -- it's about cis people seeing trans people as their assigned sex at birth and not wanting to be ridiculed for it (or think complexly about their sexuality). However, this doesn't apply to every conversation about it obviously and I think your video does a good job bringing a lot of nuance to the conversation that is actually about those preferences.
@UCLMnQFL1HWUQaEqIkZ0ADXw The problem isn't that they won't have sex with them -- the problem is in the person's understanding of that person's gender. No one needs to have sex with anyone else, but questioning your biases (which can sometimes be seen through statements like how they'd never date a trans person) is generally a good thing to do. Especially considering the nature of a lot of anti-trans violence (that is perpetuated by beliefs that leave a lot of people with biases and stereotypes in their minds). Some people could have valid reasons to not want to date trans people -- but a lot of people have assumptions about trans people that they should look at more critically (assuming that they care about being an ally, anyways). Regardless, I think an important piece of this is also a bit more about people who very loudly insist that they don't date trans people or very loudly have a genital preference. That's usually why people bring up this to begin with. People who go out of their way to tweet or talk about how they'd never date a trans person have some transphobia to unpack (if nothing else, then about why they think it's okay to constantly talk about how unattractive they find trans people). There are things to pick apart about why someone would/wouldnt want to date a trans person, but most of those things are attributes that cis people can have as well. The example of procreation -- plenty of cis people have issues with that. So why would folks choose to only say they can't date trans people -- why not specify their needs instead of talking about only one group that doesn't fit them?
I really never understood the discourse saying that if you have a genital preference you're a bad person and need to overcome it in order to be properly progressive. I don't understand why you would want to just be tolerated by your partners. I'd feel terrible having sex with someone who suffers interaction with my genitals like a chore. I can't imagine that kind of experience would be more positive for someone who has dysphoria. And I'm saying this as someone who is bisexual and has no reflexive disgust about either set of genitals lol.
I love finding UA-cam videos that bring the conversation I don't get the chance to have with people out of my mind and into the world. True Tea with Kat really is like the big sis heart-to-heart i never knew i needed😸💕
Dear Kat, I just want to say thank you for everything you do and stand for. I am following you for a few years now and I am falling in love with you every time I watch your videos. You are a beautiful soul and a true inspiration. As my sister and her husband died and I started taking care of their biracial children, you have been one of my biggest and most important voices for engaging in topics that I always avoided because of my privileged status before. I truly want to thank you for sharing and inspiring. My nieces don't speak english but they are really impressed by your presence. Watching one of your older true teas, the older girl wanted to get mermaid braids like you "because that girl in the videos who talks so much (you Kat), looks like someone who can always swim (=will never sink). And she's very pretty, I want to look like her!" You have no idea, what kind of energy you have and how much you radiate. I really wished, more vloggers were as meaningful and sincere as you. Maybe then I wouldn't refuse social media that much.... Never the less. I really appreciate your work, your thoughts, your depth and most of all your presence ( especially as an antidote to the toxicity of the digital world). JUST THANK YOU
🐱 i love that in all of your discussions, you never fail to use compassion when trying to see all sides of a controversial topic, especially when really sensitive stuff is involved. there's a nuance to your videos that you can only achieve through compassion!
I think it's pretty common for people to have genital preferences or want a certain one at any given time (though I admittedly am very pansexual so I don't get it as much). I think it just sucks when people use that to justify like transphobia to deny calling the people their actual gender. Like it's bad when people are like "ah yes I'll use not liking this genital instead of addressing that I can't see this person as their gender BECAUSE of their genitals" kinda deal. But also please don't date people who don't like you for you, y'all. Love yourselves at least that much to have someone who wants you as who you are and who you want to become. Edit: Also I'm an transmasc enby for like non-cis points I guess, I dunno other people share their identities so I figured I would.
_"though I admittedly am very pansexual so I don't get it as much"_ That inclination for introspection is so beautiful. i think because of that introspection you actually get it more than most.
Thanks for a great vid, as per usual! As a cis WLW I've always been disappointed in how the ''trans panic''-esque myth has been perpetrated by transphobes and TERF-lesbians, because I have never felt anything else but tact and communication from my trans partners in terms of them wanting to make sure I was comfortable (even though I'm completely indifferent in terms of genitalia) - which I always want to return and make sure they feel comfy and safe as well. Still have tons to learn- so I'm always happy hearing my trans sisters, brothers and siblings give me better understanding of what dynamics are at play.
I really appreciated you taking the time to address this specific issue, because there can be a lot of bandwagon hate on BOTH sides of this issue and it can be hard to walk the line between expressing a valid preference as an individual and being transphobic. I'm sure there are lots of people that needed to hear this.
People aren't bad for having a preference, they're bad when they're mean and rude about it, then invalidate trans people based on genital preference (I can't use the emoji stuff but :3)
What worries me with a trans partner is I’m not sure what to do if they aren’t into their genitalia being addressed in any way. It definitely would require a change in how I learn to offer affection to partners
completely unrelated to the topic of this video, but im extremely high right now and the way the background is making your eyeshadow pop....... ma'am you spoil us
Thank you for having conversations like this! I appreciate you talking about controversial topics with such honesty. Honestly, this video helped me understand why genital preferences aren’t inherently transphobic. I think for a long time I just heard people say that they are transphobic and unfortunately failed to really consider differing opinions. So, again, thank you for making these videos and as long as you enjoy making them, I’ll keep watching them!
I hate that a part of the community call it „PREFERENCES“, cuz it sounds like a choice of liking both, but one more than the other. 🙄 It’s literally a complete different sexual orientation!!! If you like trans and cis women you are probably at least polysexual, gynosexual or androsexual. 🤷🏾♀️ And it’s not about anyone’s ability or capability to pleasure you sexually or to be sexual pleasured. It’s about the FEELING on YOUR end, how it makes YOU feel to interact with them. Why does it seems like that a lot of transgender women have internalized transphobia? They could only accept their partner, if they see them as woman, but have a problem if they really accept and love them for what they really are, which is a transgender women? 🤷🏾♀️ It seems like they’re rather be love, because they’re a transgender woman, but despite they’re a transgender woman. For me it seems like a lack of self-love. Am I wrong for feeling this way? 🤔 I think you said something like this in another video of yours.
I'm so happy you like Simply Nailogical! I tried her new "Missed-Shift" multichrome polish and I've loved it so far. The purple nail polish looks fantastic on you 💜 also 🐱
Thank you for talking about that, really. I'm a cis straight man, and and this subject has been making me feel bad for quite some time, because I don't want to be transphobic, and I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. I feel so relieved.
@@andheartts not everyone's sexuality is fluid. Sexuality exists on a spectrum, meaning some people experience it differently from others. Sometimes a person might have experiences that contradict their previous understanding of their sexual orientation. But generally no, you can't change your sexuality. By that logic, conversion therapy would work.
@@andheartts sexuality is fluid because sexuality is how you express yourself sexually. Sexual orientation is not fluid, you are born with your sexual orientation and it can not be changed. They are actually two different but related concepts.
This is the second comment I have ever made on youtube. The first was also on your channel. I just stopped in to say I love it here. The community you have cultivated is so kind. Your videos always make me think about things in ways I never have before. As a nonbinary person it is great to have a place where we can have those (sometimes) messy conversations. Thank you.
Thank you for posting this. I remember a former friend accusing me of being transphobic because I prefer interacting (sexually) with dicks and not vaginas, saying I wasn't "really bisexual". She said claiming to be bisexual while having a genital preference was hurtful to the trans community. I'm a survivor of childhood abuse - both times perpetuated by cis women. I have a low enough libido that I've considered asexuality as a possibility. But I've had sex with cis dudes as well as trans women - and it's been great. And I've had emotional/romantic crushes on people of all genders. So I'm still bisexual. I think that friend was projecting some sort of pressure to be performatively "woke" - or she was mad because we used to date - no idea, don't care. But it was nice to watch this video and I'm glad you posted it. :P
🐱 I think that really, most people agree with you that it's fine to have genitalia preference. The problem is that it seems to be the case that the people who are vocal about genitalia preference also happen to be really shitty about it, saying that it's gay for straight men to have sex with trans women, or that trans women can't be lesbians, or seeing trans men as just butch women. Having genitalia preference is fine, but what's not fine is assuming your genitalia preference is the only acceptable preference for people in your given orientation.
I don’t think I have the right to say if this is transphobic or not, I feel like it’s not... but as a pansexual I don’t really care about people’s genitalia. I love the way you made your bangs!!!!! I’m living for it!!
the NIN in the background! i know you've touched on it before but i'd love some more videos detailing your goth experiences!! there's not much of a goth nightlife or community in my hometown, besides me and my old high school friends!
A preference just by itself can never be '-ist' of '-phobic'. It's the ideas that someone has that surround the preference that can, but don't have to, make it '-ist' or '-phobic'. If someone just doesn't like something then that's always okay. It's horrible to shame someone for that or even worse call them '-ist' or '-phobic'. Especially when it comes to the topic of genitalia and sex, since socially pressuring people to like and do something they don't want to, is sexual assault.
🐱 I've always had similar views as you with this topic, but I'm not very vocal about those opinions since I'm a cis woman. Always love hearing your side of things, stay wonderful Kat!
Girl yes to your hair ❤️. I definitely dont think it's transphobic to have a preference, but I think it's really shitty when people try to boil down the experience of trans people to their downstairs parts.
Honestly, I'm trans and still have a genital preference. I kind of see it as how some bisexuals and pansexuals have a gender preference. (I'm bisexual and also have a gender preference)
same im a trans guy who is sexually attracted to dudes with penises more than dudes with none and ladies. fellow trans men are still hot either way, were just so cool like that hehe
Ohmy I wish I could be your friend to talk about everything of your videos, I love thinking, researching and talking to others about important, not all time thinking, things, and wish I met people who research and talk about it too, so I can have evolution with my thoughts and how they fit with everyone's reality Your videos are so good for feeling this educational wonderful conversations, you're incredibly intelligent, thanksss
As someone who is presently transitioning to male, I completely respect and appreciate your consideration for others' dysphoria. Just like anything else that's unusual or intimate about a person, I feel like this is a conversation people need to have, both with ourselves and with our partners. I've been watching your videos for a while now, but I've been a little nervous to comment until today, since I felt like maybe I wouldn't be able to meaningfully contribute, but here I am! Love your content, Kat. Stay cool! 😺
😺 I've been thinking about this a lot lately and where I fall in. I've always come at it as "if I'm attracted, I'm attracted" and I'll figure out the mechanics later. I've been with a few guys who have conditions that require certain care during sex so I dont hurt them, and I feel like it's the same with different gentalia. If sex is language, I just need to learn a new way to communicate. Something that I'm stuck on with myself though is then why I've never felt attraction to cis or trans women, even though I have for men and nonbinary people regardless of initial assignment.
Can I just hug you? You are the sweetest most understanding person I have seen on those sites. Very open, very open to both sides of things yet still with a point and able to express.
I'm about to start the process to get the diagnosis (because we have public health in Italy it's free but it takes eons to be diagnosed) after 10 years of putting it aside and I can't shake off the feeling that no one will ever touch a man with a vjj and you just kind of gave me hope 😺
I dated a trans man with a vj, was a non issue for me (bi), I just asked him to tell me what he liked and how and where, what not to do etc, (like I do with anyone), and it wasn't a problem, if there's any comfort in that x) communication and such Best of luck with your journey
Don't even need to watch the video. The answer is yes! It is okay to have genitalia preferences, if anyone says it is not ok, thats some weird authoritarian shit and you should be weary of that person
This video, like most of my videos about sex, is demonetized. Please consider joining my Patreon if you love what I do! www.patreon.com/katblaque
Patreon member, here for your brilliance
How is it demonetized if there are ad breaks on it?
They put three ad rolls in this video and aren’t paying!?! The heck
@@dancorwin9232 Most of the time a video is demonetized, it has limited ads. The last time I made a video that was demonetized, it got like 40k views and i made 20 bucks.
This question has always been strange to me since I never had a preference; when I considered myself straight i never cared about the "Fememinine Penis", and since I'm Pan I've never cared about ANY penis lol. I'm a slut through and through. 🤩
I wish people would realize genital preference does not inherently equal invalidation of ones gender or authorization for fetishization.
Yeah it's mainly only invalidating if you pursue someone for their genitalia while you "overlook their gender" because that signals you equate genitalia with gender
yesss not wanting to have sex with someone because they don't have the genitalia you're into doesn't change that that person's gender is 100% valid
This!!!!!
Exactly. I’m a dude w The V & I’m not here to tell anyone anywhere that isn’t into that that is wrong. Conversely, I expect people to respect my gender and acknowledge that my genitalia does not make me any less a man. You wouldn’t treat me like a woman in public with my clothes on, so why would I suddenly be one in private with my clothes off? I also don’t like the idea of being fetishized because of my genitalia-this is precisely why I am wary of spaces like Grindr despite being super pan and into other men. All the men I have dated after coming out as trans have been other trans men because I struggle with that, mixed in with a lot of past trauma involving cis dudes I’d rather not get into. Genital preferences are not inherently transphobic, it’s just VERY AGGRAVATING that far too many transphobes have used genital preferences as a means to push their very transphobic agenda. That’s the real problem.
Exactly this all the time.
To simplify this whole conversation:
Not liking penises = ok
Assuming that all trans women have penises and therefore that all of us are inherently unattractive and undateable = not ok
People who see transwomen as men are going to act problematic regardless of their genital preferences.
@theeccentric
Jesus there is so much wrong with what you wrote there......vile.
Perhaps think next time before typing....nobody needs to see that kind of bigoted word vomit on their screens.
@@Chickenboi4eva fuck off TERF
@@Chickenboi4eva Frankly, gay man here: I've never been attracted to a trans-woman. Ever. Take Nathalie Wynn, for instance, who openly is preop: I had a crush on her back 8 years ago when she started on UA-cam. The minute she transitioned and I started reading her as female, it was gone. By the way, if your way of understanding someone goes against their basic sense of self, yes, we can say you're going to have an ''ideological difference'', as in you don't even get them at all to begin with. Then why would they waste their time dating you?
@@Chickenboi4eva What you wrote was literally your feelings. Your feelings aren't facts.
As a trans woman, I’m ok with people having preferences. But if you can’t date me openly because I’m trans doesn’t mean you get to sleep with me either. Cause there’s a difference between privacy and secrecy. Anyway, love your video as always ❤️❤️❤️
@Domi B yes, I made a whole video about down low men.
That is very very true. If it’s just a hook up whatever but if you’re actively trying to pursue a relationship with someone being secretive is not cool.
@Vikki Le : Great comment. I sort of feel like I don't have anything to add now, you said it all so well and succinctly already. ^-^
Good way to put it
yep, that's true. if you can't be with someone openly, don't be with them.
🐱I don't think genital preference is necessarily a problem. But it seems a lot of straight, cis men see having sex with cis women as an affirmation of their manhood. If a man thinks contact with one kind of genitalia means he's more manly while being within three feet of another kind of genitalia is a threat to his masculinity, then maybe he's got some issues. People's genitalia aren't a comment on their partner's gender or sexuality.
YES, this! Cishet men saying they have "genitalia preference" when they are actually afraid of a sort of genitalia they perceive as threatening is messed up. If they see it as threatening, it's probably because they themselves have used theirs as something threatening for their partners.
No, a man having sex with a transwoman would be gay. That's literally it. Most men are straight
@ I think you didn't understand the basic fact of transidentity. Trans women are women. That's literally in the name. And you can't guess what genitalia they have, just like you can't guess anyone's genitalia. A gay man is a man who is attracted to men. Hope this is clearer :-)
@ Womanhood (such as manhood) is a gender. Gender is a social construct which is quite a recent invention in human history (in the whole timeline). Many traits can be associated with womanhood; this can vary over time and place. I don't know where in the world you are so I can't say with womanhood is associated with where you live.
@ we live on planet earth. what about you? let us know what transphobic planet you’re from so we can never visit, thanks.
😺 I don't think that's an unpopular opinion. I think having genital preferences is normal and can't be forced, but like you said what's gross is when people think 🙀 = girl and 🐓 = dude. It's okay to have genital preferences, but I do recommend critically thinking about your sexuality and if it really is a genital preference or if it's that you just don't like trans people.
I'm literally considering changing the avatar to a chicken instead of an eggplant now because of this comment. lol
This!! I certainly have opinions on which I prefer but would never say it's a boy vs girl thing because..... that's ridiculous
I love the expression choking the chicken lmao
@@annamatic85 it’s not ridiculous lol the same way you can have genitalia preferences is the same way you can have a preference for literally anything else including gender / sexuality etc.
Well put. I've been thinking about this, and honestly, I don't know if I could bring myself to have sex with a woman who had a penis*, but in my mind, I put that on about the same level as not wanting to sleep with a woman who has the same first name as my Mom or one of my Aunts. Genital preference is in that grey area where it could be transphobic, but could also not be and probably just depends on the person.
* Though maybe I could, I don't know. I'm almost 40 and have enver had sex period so how do I even know what I'd be okay with?
Edit: And just so we're clear here, this isn't a Down Low thing for me. I would 100% be that guy who wears a kitschy "I
This is how I feel about all preferences across the board. If Someone isn’t %1000 attracted to me I’d prefer them to leave me alone. So I can save my time for people who truly appreciate all parts of me.
Definitely and that definitely applies to so many things like race/skin color&tone/ethnicity, gender, a disability somebody has, etc.. like I’m not here as your personal lab rat while you figure yourself out. I don’t wanna be with somebody who isn’t sure, especially knowing there’s a different way other people are that they know they prefer.. it hurts me, and it’s not fair to them either like why waste your time and their time
@@sad-qy7jz my guess would be to make the experiences to find out what works for them, but what do i know..
Agreed!
Exactly. I agree 100%. It's a preference @ the end of the day. U like what u like. Plain & simple. Nobody should be forced to be with someone they don't want. It's not bigotry or a phobia.
these past couple vids have been important convos that everyone seems to avoid but i appreciate you starting the conversation.
Yea, this is really good to have such discussions. As long as people are civil, we are often at our best as humans when debating important matters. It's part of our evolution as a species.
!!!!!!! This
@Johnny Hammersticks that’s not really what I said 😬
@Johnny Hammersticks You are fully entitled to your own opinion, I was just saying that conversations about “bi vs. pan” or “genital preference” etc. are avoided by people in the lgbtq+ community. I think it’s better to open up a dialogue rather than shutting each other down when we have questions. I never said what my views are on this topic. You assumed them. I was just trying to thank Kat for always pushing us to talk about those sometimes uncomfortable topics.
@Johnny Hammersticks for sure it’s really uncomfortable but it doesn’t change the fact that people have genital preferences, to me it is kinda fetishizing gender but I am bisexual myself
I think that genital preferences just like other preferences when it comes to attraction are not inherently problematic. To me, it's up to everyone to evaluate their own preferences and think critically about where they come from. I had preferences growing up that I later realized were rooted in bigotry. The idea that you have to be attracted to everyone to be woke is bullshit. A pansexual person isn't any more progressive than a straight person just based on their sexuality. Preferences are fine as long as they don't perpetuate harm. When they do, that's when they are a problem.
Yea, only intolerance of difference is problematic.
As a pansexual, I agree.
Preach! As long as you aren't hurting kids, animals or the unwilling adult...go for it.
Perfectly said.
As a trans man, someone being uncomfortable to be intimate with me because of my genitalia is understandable, not transphobic, but still saddening. It can be all those things at once and that's okay.
🐱 I honestly can’t deal with people chasing genitalia when it isn’t even binary, like until people are ready to unpack that us intersex folks exist too I really feel like we are just talking assigned gender binaries 🐱
YES. I definitely think everything exists on a spectrum, and we should really talk about it as a society. It's really unhealthy to try to put definitive labels on everything and, in doing so, shove people into boxes that don't fit them (if that makes any sense).
@@tysofly25 intersex genitalia is actually VERY COMMON (1 in every 1,000-2,000 births) but parents and physicians usually make the choice when the person is a baby. It’s not actually that rare.
i thought this was a pretty cut and dry issue. people dont get to choose their sexual preferences and they're not morally obliged to have intercourse with they're not attracted to.
I really don't think many people are actually demonizing genital preferences, I think that's a misinterpretation of people saying that claiming you wouldn't ever date/have sex with a trans person due to genital preferences is very generalizing and probably just untrue. I may be wrong, but I've participated in these conversations very often and I haven't seen anyone actually say that genital preferences are transphobic. The closest I've seen is trans folks saying that genitalia preferences make them personally feel bad, and that they couldn't date someone with any genital preference, which is equally as valid.
I feel like I spent half of my day today talking to people who think genitalia preferences are transphobic. ...
👏🏽
I think part of the issue is a lot of aggressive transphobes use (pre/non op) trans people's genitalia as a way to degenerate trans people (esp trans women) and say that (cis) people would never want to date or have sex with them because of it. so because of that escalation, a lot of other people (wanting to support trans people) escalate to denouncing any genitalia preference as transphobic.
@@_gremlinboy I think that’s true to a considerable extent; it’s normally a pretty nuanced discussion. With that said, I have absolutely discussed this issue with people who believe genital preferences are transphobic. Like, full stop. In fact, just recently, I commented in a Facebook group that I felt like this discussion was a distraction from more urgent matters facing the trans community (like homelessness) and someone immediately clapped back and told me that genital preferences were central to trans oppression and on par with murder. I feel like these types are Very Online and not broadly representative of the trans community, but it must be stated that they exist
As a cis woman with a lot of sexual trauma and body dysmorphia I really relate to when men push you to interact with certain parts of your body when you don't want them to and feeling like you're stifling them
Oof I also relate to this so much!
My "drink" is ice cream because mental health is not the greatest from loosing my job
*virtual hugs if you want em*
@@KatBlaque thanks lots
@@stormfur19: I wish you the best of luck finding something as good or better soon. I keep reminding myself: things can and often do get better.
@@aylbdrmadison1051 thank you. I have a plan but it still sucks to have lost a job that I was really happy at. At this point I'm grieving the loss of it but I'm generally managing the best I can for the circumstances.
@@stormfur19 Hey you, checking in on you? How is it going? How are you?
The part about men's preference of "pleasuring the other person" was so validating. as a cis man who's so sensitive about pleasing the person i'm with, it's good to hear you be so open and honest about your experiences with laying out your boundaries to people like that. Thank you for so much honest insight!
I think that the movement to guilt and shame people who dont want to have sex with trans people as being transphobic is predatory behaviour. Same as a guy pressuring a girl in a bar who doesnt want to have sex with him because she isn't attracted to. No one has to ever be shamed or feel guilty for who they are attracted to and any attempt to try to convince them with shame or guilt is predatory
I really don’t think that’s what this video is trying to do
🐱 i really appreciate you including trans men in this conversation so much. i know it's because you were mostly discussing your own attraction to men, but i still find it hard to find examples of us being mentioned. i feel like the majority of cis people upset about this are cis straight men who think they are expected to be attracted to trans women. i RARELY see cis people acknowledge that men with vaginas even exist. i haven't personally seen many straight women complain that they're being forced to be attracted to trans men.
i really agree with you in general. i'm a gay trans man, and i feel very similar; i'm not totally sure how i would feel attempting to date another trans man, and as a trans person who has been looked over entirely because of preferences, i wouldn't want to do that to someone else. i wish i could know if i would be 100% attracted to another trans man, or if my genital preference would prevent me from that. but of course i don't want to "try" it and risk hurting someone.
but because i feel unsure, i don't think it is transphobic to have a genital preference and i am not deeply hurt by the fact that some gay men just need dick instead haha. what is transphobic to me is how much i see gay men saying that vagina is disgusting, etc. but that's perhaps less about trans men and more just...a shitty thing to say in general. anyway i think genital preference is okay when it is genuine and it's being acknowledged because you don't want to hurt your partner by not truly being attracted to them.
@@deee3950 exactly. I kinda felt that way with gay drag queens. Why bash so many women? But there's derogating on many sides
What I'm trying to figure out is, what if the person has bottom surgery and the other person is still not attracted
@@OReily08080 then move on to another person
@@dolldelrey16 huh?
@@dolldelrey16 oh yeah
You summed up my thoughts entirely. To be honest though, I get tired of having to support cis people's genital preferences every time the subject of transphobia in dating comes up.
Me: Hey, let's talk about what it's like to date while being trans
Cis: Are you saying my genital preferences are invalid?!
Genital preferences are valid, but it's not on me to support cis people liking cis genitals. They need to find their own support for that.
🐱
this 100 percent!
People are entitled to dealbreakers and boundaries of what they are comfortable with sexually and if you cant acknowledge that then it's a you issue.
I'd like to add that it is not at all exclusive to trans people that they potentially don't want to do things that a partner might expect. I know cis women who don't want to do conventionally expected stuff with their genitalia. So if it is really about that, it's not a preference of genitalia but a preference in sexual practices. And most of the time this preference is - as you said - rooted in sexism and inexperience with non conforming genitalia. I really liked this episode, I like it so much that you talk about these topics. also cat emoji :D
I once had a friend I was attracted to who hated feet to the point that he’d wince when he looked at them. I found it hurtful that he’d be so put off by a part of my body, and my feet were not even a sensitive subject for me. I can’t even imagine how much more painful that would be to get that reaction to a part of yourself you might feel uncomfortable with or vulnerable about. Nobody deserves to have a romantic partner ‘put up with’ an aspect of themselves. I think your attitude Kat is so healthy. Find those special people who appreciate everything you are.
me: why is she holding a cat and an eggplant-
me: *reads the title* oh
ahhaha
🐱 So I'm a lesbian asexual, and I feel like genital preference is valid. I obviously believe that trans women are women, but I feel very uncomfortable around the 🐓. I feel bad but I feel sweaty and nervous and totally turned off. I'll probably just take my opinion and leave.
You’re feelings are valid gurl ❤️
The way you phrased that makes it sound like you spend a lot of time around the 🐓
It’s not your opinion it’s your life ❤️
Please leave your opinion any time you feel inspired to do so. It is valid, it's even potentially educational, and certainly is important especially in your interpersonal relationships.
@@user-dk9nh4jn9t There's an asexual spectrum, I fall where I don't mind sex (I have a gf) I'm just not sexually attracted to anyone. You're right, I don't *really* get turned on, but I meant my willingness to do the deed.
As a Bi person/someone who doesn’t care about someone’s genitalia, I still 100% understand people having a preference for certain genitalia. I feel like it’s a no-brainer. Ive never understood people who think that having a preference is hard-stop transphobic.
Thank you
I feel like this is a good convo. People shouldn’t have to “tolerate” each other (LGBT OR STARIGHT) or fetishize each other. They should genuinely enjoy whom they want to be with for every part they have. It’s like skin color or ethnicity or whatever. Having a preference doesn’t make you a bad person it’s how you handle people you aren’t attracted to that makes you a bad person.
Idk I’m cringey lol
Absolutely. I would only add _how we handle people we don't agree with_ as well as who we are or are not attracted to. I think this conversation is actually far more encompassing of the root issue of many (if not most) of the world's problems.
I think it is also important to think have critical conversations about why you have certain gender, skin color or ethnicity practices. If your just don't find certain traits attractive, you don't find them attractive. If you avoid certain types of people or traits because of your upbringing, or negative stere4otypes you associate with types of people, I think serious self reflection is needed to determine if it is really an issue of preference
@@94sHippie you’re right
nah because how the hell can you have a "skin color preference" or "ethnicity" preference without being racist...
Having a preference is valid. But a lot of people will actively go online and brag about how they would NEVER date a trans person or find one attractive and that's what I have a problem with, it feels hostile. I think these two things can get conflated sometimes tbh
^^^
Isn't that kind of normal? I mean, everyone has things they like and dislike about sex and sexual acts. Why would preference for genitalia be any different? I mean, in my case the preference is none, but that's cuz I'm Ace. I would totally be up for cuddling tho!
As an asexual I’m kind of glad I don’t have worry about this stuff. Of course dating as an ace comes with its own difficulties ;-;
😅😅When said you said you want someone who can throw you across the room, I thought of that Kermit the frog meme. I imagined you as a puppet being thrown against a curtain
this comment made me scream. lol.
Things that aren't acknowledged nearly enough: The dopeness of your music collection.
Aw thank you
😺gay trans man here - "Dudey McDudersons" got a big chuckle and a smile from me right at the end of this pretty difficult conversation! love you💜💜
The fact that this is a question is mind blowing
As someone still figuring out my sexuality, I find this conversations to be extremely insightful. I grew up in a small, fairly conservative town, and a conservative Christian home, so there are a lot of things I'm still trying to learn about the world. These types of conversations challenge me to think about myself, and about how people who are different than me might experience the world. I'm learning a lot about myself as well. I think (I hope) you've taught me some empathy here, and some open-mindedness, because I would never have thought about a lot of this. This is not a conversation I would ever have with myself otherwise. I don't know what my preferences are at this stage (I am the final-boss virgin and have dated 0 people), but whatever they are, I want to do my best to make sure they aren't rooted in socially-ingrained transphobia.
I love how candid and honest, yet at the same-time so well-spoken you are. And just in general a thoughtful person. Oh my god. Every time you post a video I'm like 'yass queen educate me', but I figured I would wait to say that until I had something mildly intelligent to say as well 🐱🐱🐱
Thanks for doing what you do, and I hope to keep learning xoxo
this comment really put all my thoughts into words :')
I think you can't really control who you're attracted to and what you find attractive, but I do think it's really important that you understand your own attractions, are honest with partners about it, and don't ignore either their gender identity or physical body. Sex/intimacy kind of sucks if you're not into the WHOLE person, imo. That said, it's hard to know if you like something if you haven't tried it before, but I think just being up front in that situation and letting your partner know you don't have experience and aren't sure if you'll like it or how you'll respond will let them decide if that's something they're ok with or if that will be triggering and they don't want to try. Thanks for the thought provoking video, as always.
Just to be clear. That argument only really works with things like shows, books, games, etc where you can't really judge just from the cover or trailers. Most don't really need to try something to know they aren't going to like it. It's just instinctual.
@@fenrisvermundr2516 I'm glad it's been so clear cut for you! That has not been my experience.
It’s okay to have a genital preference, however for those cis people (specifically men) who prefer pre operative trans people it’s hard for me to see the line between preference/fetish
For me, the line is how depersonalized it is. I don't think there's anything wrong with a cis person liking a trans person's trans body.
For the men you’re describing preference & fixation go hand and hand, it’s both a preference and fetish simultaneously.
Yeah I can understand that. At some point there will be a strong clash of long term goals: keeping pre op bits versus GRS to help alleviate dysphoria. And so if the focus is on the parts and not the comfort of their SO, then you shouldn't be together. At that point it's a hindrance to both people's happiness and comfort.
Just also want to point out that people with a specific fetish are also able to see the whole person. Like a spankee has a specific sexual orientation towards spanking butts, but that doesn't mean they don't value their sexual partner as a person. It can be and and.
@@shakeitlikeanaries128 There's still an element of dehumanization that is unavoidable to some fetishes. And it would take superb communication to have this specific fetish not damage someone mentally.
Case in point, there is a BIG difference between fetishizing genitals versus fetishizing spanks. One is a part of the body whereas the other is an act that almost everyone can perform. Spanking will not inherently make the spankee question their worth or if you're only with them because they are one of a few who happens to be able to provide some niche fetish. Spanking has the luxury of being typical and not inherently cause problems of self worth to the person who is asked to perform.
It's easy to hurt people that we don't intend to hurt. It's easy to say that you respect someone, but still say and do things that are dangerously discouraging or devaluing.
To be involved in fetishes, kinks, and all that, you really need everyone involved to have a healthy mind set and communication to be on point. And for communication like that, everyone should be open to being vulnerable, feel safe enough to speak freely and without filter, and generally have a willingness to own up to doing things wrong and change it up for your partner(s).
If your partner is interested in GRS or experiences dysphoria, then fetishizing the genitals they aren't happy with or don't like to think about is just...not going to work no matter how much you believe you do so with respect.
Personally, I think that people just have a hard time accepting that not everyone will like them. Acceptance and liking someone in an intimate way are two different things and it seems like some people believe that them not being someones preference translates to them not being accepted even if thats not the case. A FtM trans Man expressed interest in me and I told them I enjoy thier friendship but I am not interested in dating them. They where confused because i"m bi but to me its not about the genitalia its the fact I have never been in a relationship with someone who is trans and i dont know if i can support them in the way they would need to be supported. Currently we are not speaking which makes me sad but I'm not going to put myself or them in a compromising position. I accept him and want him to be happy, i even think he is attractive, but as regards to other things im just not sure if i can be the support they may need.
😺 Definitely a complex subject for sure! I like to keep the following mindsets in these conversations. 1. Telling something to be attracted to something never works. 2. Being open-minded and more inclusive tends to produce better results. 3. Nobody owes anybody s3x. 4. Tolerating someone's body in the bedroom is rarely a compliment. 5. It's possible to politely decline someone's advances. 6. If someone you aren't attracted to shows interest in you, it's not automatically an insult.
I'm bi cis female and I don't really haver a genitalia preference. I do find masculine people less attractive though so its kind of the opposite for me. The trans men that Kat finds attractive I probably don't lol but it has nothing to do with the downstairs. It actually took me a long time to figure out that, "hey I am bi, I like my own and other genders but really masculine presentation isnt something I'm into," Also one of the women I dated who identifies as a lesbian is dating a trans man now and still identifies as lesbian so women are definitely capable of this thought of "whats down there is all that matters to me" thing. I don't think your opinion is unpopular I just think the way people handle it is off. 🙀
@Domi B whaaaaaaaat?
@Domi B cis women can prevent their partners from transitioning? (I knew I should have specified. Apologies for vague commenting.)
Personally I think I have a preference, but I think feminine presenting is more important to me. I am bit suspicious of lesbian women who generally say they are fine with dating transmen, especially when some lesbian circles can be very transphobic. Like I have read some gross comments about transwomen from these communities. To me their preference for transmen reads as a disbelief in their partner's gender identity, rather than acceptance. I really feel bad for those partners unless its a situation where the partner came out and they both decided to Continue the relationship.
@@sapphicsiren This situation is very interesting to me as a cis bi woman because the difference i see there is "I want to date people with a vagina that have a similar early life experience to me". Basically the fact that they were seen as a woman and have had the same struggles is what matters, not what they identify as. They have no issue dating transmen because they understand the life experience of a ciswoman? I could see how a transman's perspective is more relatable to a cis-lesbian's than a cisman, but that would be only dating AFAB people and idk if that would be transphobic. So then they just call themselves lesbian because that's easier? Personally, my preferences revolve much more around someone's chemistry with me and values rather than gender or genitalia so this doesn't apply to me, just an interesting scenario! What do you think?
@@mkdoublea3242 it comes back to the assumption that all trans men understand life as a (cis) woman, which just isn't true. Trans men identify and live as male because male is what describes them most accurately. Cis women don't all have the same early life experiences, but even if they did, trans men's wouldn't necessarily be the same as theirs.
I’ve actually been giving this some thought. I identify as straight, but I’m starting to think that mainly comes down to being attracted to masculinity, not so much the assumed genitalia
I have a friend that's been questioning and this seems to be the case cause she's been attracted to women who present more masculine and so she wonders if she's really just straight or no. We'll see tho! She's struggling lmao. Good luck to you figuring that out yourself.
I'm a 38 year old cis gay man and I have a hard time understanding why this is even a question. Maybe this is an example of the LGB not being able to relate to the T in our community.
When I was in my late teens and throughout my twenties, we were fighting for the right to just be gay or bi in marriage and in the military, and to not have our private sex acts be illegal. Part of that fight was getting rid of the idea that our genitalia preference should matter at all to any other person. And the idea that someone else could tell me that my preference for a certain set of genitalia is wrong or problematic is exactly what we spent decades fighting against.
I feel like this question about genitalia preference comes too close to policing other people's intimacy. I feel the same way about racial preferences.
In general, the fear of "tolerating" someone else's genitalia has been part of the reasons why I stopped pursuing relationships and exploring my sexuality over the past 2 years. In the rational parts of my mind, I understand that sex isn't the most important part of a relationship; and like you said, regardless of someone's genitalia there are plenty of other ways to be intimate and sexually satisfied. I'm a cis woman, I've found myself being attracted to people of various genders, but I do feel guilty about some of the thoughts that creep into my mind that are probably connected to transphobia and sexism.
A lot of points brought up in this video made me realise there is a lot of introspection I need to do. It worries me that I may subconsciously have these problematic thoughts for a very long time. I'm not trying to turn this into a "oh woe is me" situation, I apologise if it come off like that.
🐱 fwiw, as a trans guy, i agree with you. genitals are kind of a big part of sex, and if you're not comfortable with your partner's genitals then, i mean? you're not gonna be comfortable with sex with them lol.
and i dunno, maybe for some people the preference is something they can "overcome" or whatever, but i'm sure there's just as many who will never change their preferences. (whether they can't or won't, i couldn't say. but i figure it isn't anyone's fault what parts they're attracted or not attracted to.)
I’m starting to think my understanding of genital preference is being blocked by the fact that I’m not a native English speaker. To me, when I don’t know a word I look it up, and when I look up preference (I knew this word but I heard people using it in a weird way). “a greater liking for one alternative over another or others”
So for me, I am a lesbian and I also do not find penises sexually attractive, and I know not everyone has the genitalia you might think. This is all true and having a certain set of genitals does not dictate which gender you are, that is 100% valid and true. My issue is I don’t understand why people call it a preference. To me it feels invalidating due to the definition of the word. To me I don’t “prefer” vaginas, I am ONLY turned on sexually by the presence of one, and I have absolutely no sexual attraction to penises, they might as well be doormats because that’s about as much as I would notice a penis, no chemical reaction, no flush of warmth, no increased heart rate, no nothing, they do nothing for me.
I tried when I came out as Bi and quickly found out that nope, just gay, and I just like vaginas. Like it’s as simple as that. So how is that a preference? I feel like calling it a preference infers there is a choice, like how I would order a Coke and they ask if Pepsi is okay, well I’m going to say yes it’s fine, I just prefer Coke. In my case it’s not that at al with genitals, I would not want to engage sexually at all with a penis as I have no attraction to one, I have no clue what to do with it, and considering everything is structurally phallic in this world I’m pretty worn out from seeing penises in every aspect of design (I’m a designer I notice these things).
Now I don’t hate penises, I’m just not going to even attempt anything sexual with one because I would be putting myself in a position where I feel uncomfortable. So I’m just asking why does everyone call this a preference when it’s not the reality for some people?
🐱 this somewhat reminds me of the discussion that's often had in asexual/aromantic circles about the divide between sexual and romantic attraction. Because there are plenty of folks attracted to ace people and they even click romantically, but if one is sex averse and the other has sexual needs that they need met....then maybe it just isn't gonna work. And that's not shallow, that's knowing what your needs are and communicating that.
this is so important. Just because I don't want to have sex with you doesn't mean I'm invalidating your gender identity. Sexual attraction is also a spectrum and preference for certain physical features is 100% normal. I think it's low key crappy to force people to feel guilty about being squicked about certain genitalia. I'm on the ace spectrum (sex and most genetalia is gross for me for a multitude of reasons) but that doesn't stop my romantic feelings. I can feel hella romantic towards cis men but I don't want to have sex with them. expecting people to be sexually attracted to everyone just sucks. It's not transphobic it's just a shitty situation. :/ being asexual i can't change and unfortunately the dating pool is more closed to me too. But most people need sex in a relationship and I can't get mad at them as much as they should get mad at me. nuances are important.
like i have tried penises many a time and i just... don't enjoy it. I'm not gonna say it won't ever happen but it's very unlikely that if i keep trying something i don't like I'm suddenly gonna like it;;;
I perfer humans with vaginas if I'm having sex. but I'm prone to being romantic with anyone.
As a cis lesbian, I can relate a bit. The idea of having sex with a dick makes me want to vomit, but that doesn’t mean that pre-op trans women aren’t women. I just don’t like the double standard of telling cis lesbians they are transphobic because they don’t want to have sex with a dick, but respecting cis gay men for not wanting to have sex with a vagina. Of course, you are transphobic if you don’t respect someone’s identity. But honestly as long as you do respect what people identify as, but don’t want to have sex with them, I don’t see why it would be transphobic.
@@RenaissanceRockerBoy : I agree fully with both of you, except I only like dick personally for sex, but feel more inclined to be romantic with women (regardless of their genitalia). But I think part of the problem is people misuse the actual words so often, that this is a big part of why things sometimes get so messy.
For instance, you're both obviously literate in the English language, but I constantly read comments on all sorts of subjects from political, to medicine, video games and modding, music theory etc where people are not.
I've found a commonality in that much of the messes are coming from those who are less than literate (this is especially true in American politics), and are often or near constantly using words they misunderstand, or even in the extreme are intentionally misrepresenting the meaning(s) of.
@@RenaissanceRockerBoy I'm a d*ke, and I concur about that double standard. Though I am starting to see gay guys getting it pushed on them online lately. Their reaction is a true sight to behold. They are agast that anyone could ever think that they should even consider a 🐈 for a split second Not that I don't feel the same way as them they just express it more. I'm pretty sure we just get the pressure way more because of good old fashioned sexism. Plus we are a little more used to 🐓 being pushed on us from birth so I think we actually fight it less.
🐱
I'm a early-in-transition trans woman who has a lot of dysphoria about down there and so I personally want to find relationships that don't focus on down there. So, I need to understand ppl's preferences to understand what sort of relationship I could hav with them.
You don't need to know anything about anyone, what you need to know is what they're willing to tell you. You're also wasting were time going after straight males, as a straight male I can promise we will never want you
Thank you for posting this!
This is something I've been thinking about a lot lately. I've historically been attracted to all genders, but I've always had what I can only describe as almost a phobia of penises specifically in a sexual sense. As I have grown in my own gender identity, and come to terms with my transness, (I am trans masculine) I have realized that a huge part of this "phobia", if not all of it, comes from the fear I have of impregnation. I am someone who could, in theory, get pregnant if I had sex with someone with a penis, and as a trans masculine person, being impregnated is one of the most terrifying and dysphoria inducing things I can imagine. Even if I could get plan B, even if I could get an abortion, the concept of that even happening at all is just utterly terrifying to me.
To echo what you said, I would feel horrible about hurting a trans woman, or trans feminine person who had a penis because of this preference, because I know what it's like to experience judgement in relationships as a trans person. That being said, I don't think that my own feelings would be hurt if someone told me that they didn't want to have sex with me anymore once they found out that I had a vagina, and that's why I would hope that anyone else would also not be hurt by that. It might bum me out if they were someone I liked, but I think I would understand.
And again, to echo what you said, I wouldn't want to date someone who didn't like my genitalia, or was uncomfortable with it, and I also wouldn't want to do that to someone else.
No trans person should feel like they need to have surgery to alter their genitalia. I personally will probably not be doing anything to change my own. And sometimes that makes me worry I'm a hypocrite that I'm only really comfortable with dating people who have vaginas, regardless of what their gender identity is. But I also know I can't change that aspect of my dysphoria, and I need to do what's best for my mental health.
I really appreciate this video and your thoughts on the matter! It feels good to know that I'm not the only trans person who feels this way. Love your videos, doubt you'll see this comment, but if you do, I hope you're having a great day! ❤️
I feel like getting mad at genital preference boils down to "I really don't want this hot person to say no to me because I'M attracted to them!"
😸 It's always interesting for me as a lesbian to hear your perspectives about genital preference from a straight trans woman. I find that cishet ppl often don't talk about sex in this introspective way but lesbians do. I'm stone, which means I don't prefer having my 😸 touched during sex and this is really common for lesbians. Obviously some lesbians don't want to be with me for this and might feel like they're missing out, but I haven't had many try to argue with me about it. Most just accept that we're incompatible in bed and move on. I sometimes wonder how many cishet people actually don't enjoy having their genitals touched but force themselves to put up with it because it's expected.
I'm a trans guy and I really agree with your thoughts on this. Yeah it might hurt if someone doesn't see me totally as guy or doesnt wanna sleep with me because of my lack of.... but I would rather them be straight up and say it than go down an uncomfortable road. 😸
clicked from a video about bratz dolls onto this, and you have fashion doll vibes.
This is semi related but interesting: I didn't realize trans people existed until college: I had seen some... relevant porn, but I thought those people were intersex (i didn't know that term at the time) so I was raised in an extreme level of trans erasure.
The two genders: kitty and eggplant
Another piece of this conversation too is that a lot of cis people equate having a genital preference and not wanting to date trans people at all. Which is a problem because not all trans people do have those genitals (if they've had bottom surgery). So, some people having this conversation are pointing out how people say "no trans people" claiming that it is a genital preference, without considering the fact that trans people who have had bottom surgery exist (or without considering much else about trans people -- similar to your point about the cis men who will date AFAB trans and nonbinary people because they only see them as their ASAB). So from what I can see, a big issue with the "genital preference" argument is that often it's not actually about genital preference -- it's about cis people seeing trans people as their assigned sex at birth and not wanting to be ridiculed for it (or think complexly about their sexuality). However, this doesn't apply to every conversation about it obviously and I think your video does a good job bringing a lot of nuance to the conversation that is actually about those preferences.
@UCLMnQFL1HWUQaEqIkZ0ADXw The problem isn't that they won't have sex with them -- the problem is in the person's understanding of that person's gender. No one needs to have sex with anyone else, but questioning your biases (which can sometimes be seen through statements like how they'd never date a trans person) is generally a good thing to do. Especially considering the nature of a lot of anti-trans violence (that is perpetuated by beliefs that leave a lot of people with biases and stereotypes in their minds). Some people could have valid reasons to not want to date trans people -- but a lot of people have assumptions about trans people that they should look at more critically (assuming that they care about being an ally, anyways).
Regardless, I think an important piece of this is also a bit more about people who very loudly insist that they don't date trans people or very loudly have a genital preference. That's usually why people bring up this to begin with. People who go out of their way to tweet or talk about how they'd never date a trans person have some transphobia to unpack (if nothing else, then about why they think it's okay to constantly talk about how unattractive they find trans people).
There are things to pick apart about why someone would/wouldnt want to date a trans person, but most of those things are attributes that cis people can have as well. The example of procreation -- plenty of cis people have issues with that. So why would folks choose to only say they can't date trans people -- why not specify their needs instead of talking about only one group that doesn't fit them?
😸 herrrree for the cool kids club😎
I really never understood the discourse saying that if you have a genital preference you're a bad person and need to overcome it in order to be properly progressive. I don't understand why you would want to just be tolerated by your partners. I'd feel terrible having sex with someone who suffers interaction with my genitals like a chore. I can't imagine that kind of experience would be more positive for someone who has dysphoria. And I'm saying this as someone who is bisexual and has no reflexive disgust about either set of genitals lol.
I have never heard someone talk about how I feel in such a clear and understanding way and I feel so validated, thank you so much
I love finding UA-cam videos that bring the conversation I don't get the chance to have with people out of my mind and into the world. True Tea with Kat really is like the big sis heart-to-heart i never knew i needed😸💕
Dear Kat, I just want to say thank you for everything you do and stand for. I am following you for a few years now and I am falling in love with you every time I watch your videos.
You are a beautiful soul and a true inspiration.
As my sister and her husband died and I started taking care of their biracial children, you have been one of my biggest and most important voices for engaging in topics that I always avoided because of my privileged status before.
I truly want to thank you for sharing and inspiring.
My nieces don't speak english but they are really impressed by your presence.
Watching one of your older true teas, the older girl wanted to get mermaid braids like you "because that girl in the videos who talks so much (you Kat), looks like someone who can always swim (=will never sink). And she's very pretty, I want to look like her!"
You have no idea, what kind of energy you have and how much you radiate.
I really wished, more vloggers were as meaningful and sincere as you. Maybe then I wouldn't refuse social media that much....
Never the less. I really appreciate your work, your thoughts, your depth and most of all your presence ( especially as an antidote to the toxicity of the digital world).
JUST THANK YOU
🐱 i love that in all of your discussions, you never fail to use compassion when trying to see all sides of a controversial topic, especially when really sensitive stuff is involved. there's a nuance to your videos that you can only achieve through compassion!
I think it's pretty common for people to have genital preferences or want a certain one at any given time (though I admittedly am very pansexual so I don't get it as much). I think it just sucks when people use that to justify like transphobia to deny calling the people their actual gender. Like it's bad when people are like "ah yes I'll use not liking this genital instead of addressing that I can't see this person as their gender BECAUSE of their genitals" kinda deal. But also please don't date people who don't like you for you, y'all. Love yourselves at least that much to have someone who wants you as who you are and who you want to become.
Edit: Also I'm an transmasc enby for like non-cis points I guess, I dunno other people share their identities so I figured I would.
_"though I admittedly am very pansexual so I don't get it as much"_
That inclination for introspection is so beautiful. i think because of that introspection you actually get it more than most.
@@aylbdrmadison1051 I mean, everyone's got different experience of things. Just cause I'm happy with something doesn't mean everyone can be, right?
to answer yes its ok...some times it breaks hurt cause a good person can not be what you want but at the end of the day its about what u want
Thanks for a great vid, as per usual!
As a cis WLW I've always been disappointed in how the ''trans panic''-esque myth has been perpetrated by transphobes and TERF-lesbians, because I have never felt anything else but tact and communication from my trans partners in terms of them wanting to make sure I was comfortable (even though I'm completely indifferent in terms of genitalia) - which I always want to return and make sure they feel comfy and safe as well. Still have tons to learn- so I'm always happy hearing my trans sisters, brothers and siblings give me better understanding of what dynamics are at play.
I really appreciated you taking the time to address this specific issue, because there can be a lot of bandwagon hate on BOTH sides of this issue and it can be hard to walk the line between expressing a valid preference as an individual and being transphobic. I'm sure there are lots of people that needed to hear this.
🐱 I don't have an iPhone 🐯. Is this the right emoji? Imma have to leave my long comment on patreon this week wheww
this hair do with the bangs is so cute!! love it
People aren't bad for having a preference, they're bad when they're mean and rude about it, then invalidate trans people based on genital preference (I can't use the emoji stuff but :3)
What worries me with a trans partner is I’m not sure what to do if they aren’t into their genitalia being addressed in any way. It definitely would require a change in how I learn to offer affection to partners
My genital preference is none thank you very much.
completely unrelated to the topic of this video, but im extremely high right now and the way the background is making your eyeshadow pop....... ma'am you spoil us
Thank you for having conversations like this! I appreciate you talking about controversial topics with such honesty. Honestly, this video helped me understand why genital preferences aren’t inherently transphobic. I think for a long time I just heard people say that they are transphobic and unfortunately failed to really consider differing opinions. So, again, thank you for making these videos and as long as you enjoy making them, I’ll keep watching them!
I hate that a part of the community call it „PREFERENCES“, cuz it sounds like a choice of liking both, but one more than the other. 🙄 It’s literally a complete different sexual orientation!!! If you like trans and cis women you are probably at least polysexual, gynosexual or androsexual. 🤷🏾♀️
And it’s not about anyone’s ability or capability to pleasure you sexually or to be sexual pleasured. It’s about the FEELING on YOUR end, how it makes YOU feel to interact with them.
Why does it seems like that a lot of transgender women have internalized transphobia? They could only accept their partner, if they see them as woman, but have a problem if they really accept and love them for what they really are, which is a transgender women? 🤷🏾♀️ It seems like they’re rather be love, because they’re a transgender woman, but despite they’re a transgender woman. For me it seems like a lack of self-love. Am I wrong for feeling this way? 🤔
I think you said something like this in another video of yours.
I'm so happy you like Simply Nailogical! I tried her new "Missed-Shift" multichrome polish and I've loved it so far. The purple nail polish looks fantastic on you 💜
also 🐱
Thank you for talking about that, really. I'm a cis straight man, and and this subject has been making me feel bad for quite some time, because I don't want to be transphobic, and I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. I feel so relieved.
Genital preference is valid it’s apart of someone’s sexuality (which obviously can’t be changed)
Isn’t sexuality fluid? Meaning it’s changeable?
@@andheartts not everyone's sexuality is fluid. Sexuality exists on a spectrum, meaning some people experience it differently from others. Sometimes a person might have experiences that contradict their previous understanding of their sexual orientation. But generally no, you can't change your sexuality. By that logic, conversion therapy would work.
@@andheartts sexuality is fluid because sexuality is how you express yourself sexually. Sexual orientation is not fluid, you are born with your sexual orientation and it can not be changed. They are actually two different but related concepts.
@@SerafinaP right. So the original statement can’t be considered accurate:
@@andheartts sometimes people use them interchangeably. I'm pretty sure the op was actually talking about sexual orientation.
Looking like Eve being tempted by the apple in the thumbnail
This is the second comment I have ever made on youtube. The first was also on your channel. I just stopped in to say I love it here. The community you have cultivated is so kind. Your videos always make me think about things in ways I never have before. As a nonbinary person it is great to have a place where we can have those (sometimes) messy conversations. Thank you.
Short answer to your video title: Yes!
Just don’t direct negativity at what you don’t want!
Thank you for posting this. I remember a former friend accusing me of being transphobic because I prefer interacting (sexually) with dicks and not vaginas, saying I wasn't "really bisexual". She said claiming to be bisexual while having a genital preference was hurtful to the trans community.
I'm a survivor of childhood abuse - both times perpetuated by cis women. I have a low enough libido that I've considered asexuality as a possibility. But I've had sex with cis dudes as well as trans women - and it's been great. And I've had emotional/romantic crushes on people of all genders. So I'm still bisexual.
I think that friend was projecting some sort of pressure to be performatively "woke" - or she was mad because we used to date - no idea, don't care. But it was nice to watch this video and I'm glad you posted it. :P
🐱 I think that really, most people agree with you that it's fine to have genitalia preference. The problem is that it seems to be the case that the people who are vocal about genitalia preference also happen to be really shitty about it, saying that it's gay for straight men to have sex with trans women, or that trans women can't be lesbians, or seeing trans men as just butch women. Having genitalia preference is fine, but what's not fine is assuming your genitalia preference is the only acceptable preference for people in your given orientation.
I don’t think I have the right to say if this is transphobic or not, I feel like it’s not... but as a pansexual I don’t really care about people’s genitalia.
I love the way you made your bangs!!!!! I’m living for it!!
the NIN in the background! i know you've touched on it before but i'd love some more videos detailing your goth experiences!! there's not much of a goth nightlife or community in my hometown, besides me and my old high school friends!
A preference just by itself can never be '-ist' of '-phobic'. It's the ideas that someone has that surround the preference that can, but don't have to, make it '-ist' or '-phobic'. If someone just doesn't like something then that's always okay. It's horrible to shame someone for that or even worse call them '-ist' or '-phobic'.
Especially when it comes to the topic of genitalia and sex, since socially pressuring people to like and do something they don't want to, is sexual assault.
love the Downward Spiral vinyl in the background.
🐱 I've always had similar views as you with this topic, but I'm not very vocal about those opinions since I'm a cis woman. Always love hearing your side of things, stay wonderful Kat!
Girl yes to your hair ❤️. I definitely dont think it's transphobic to have a preference, but I think it's really shitty when people try to boil down the experience of trans people to their downstairs parts.
What's the point of accepting people's sexuality and preference if we don't accept everyone's sexuality and preference???
Honestly, I'm trans and still have a genital preference. I kind of see it as how some bisexuals and pansexuals have a gender preference. (I'm bisexual and also have a gender preference)
same im a trans guy who is sexually attracted to dudes with penises more than dudes with none and ladies. fellow trans men are still hot either way, were just so cool like that hehe
I'm addicted to your series! I'm so glad I found your channel, I'm going to binge watch you during the pandemic.
🐱 I love what you said about thinking about your sexuality critically, I realized that I’ve been doing that since i found your channel! Thank you!
I love that you are willing to discuss your ‘hot takes’. I think you have a very interesting perspective 🐱🐱🐱
The "im asking a lot of cis men" made me giggle. I hope thats not too much for them! Hahaha
Ohmy I wish I could be your friend to talk about everything of your videos, I love thinking, researching and talking to others about important, not all time thinking, things, and wish I met people who research and talk about it too, so I can have evolution with my thoughts and how they fit with everyone's reality
Your videos are so good for feeling this educational wonderful conversations, you're incredibly intelligent, thanksss
Being bisexual and trying to follow along this discussion makes me feel like that lady and the floating math meme
As someone who is presently transitioning to male, I completely respect and appreciate your consideration for others' dysphoria. Just like anything else that's unusual or intimate about a person, I feel like this is a conversation people need to have, both with ourselves and with our partners.
I've been watching your videos for a while now, but I've been a little nervous to comment until today, since I felt like maybe I wouldn't be able to meaningfully contribute, but here I am! Love your content, Kat. Stay cool! 😺
😺 I've been thinking about this a lot lately and where I fall in. I've always come at it as "if I'm attracted, I'm attracted" and I'll figure out the mechanics later. I've been with a few guys who have conditions that require certain care during sex so I dont hurt them, and I feel like it's the same with different gentalia. If sex is language, I just need to learn a new way to communicate. Something that I'm stuck on with myself though is then why I've never felt attraction to cis or trans women, even though I have for men and nonbinary people regardless of initial assignment.
Can I just hug you? You are the sweetest most understanding person I have seen on those sites. Very open, very open to both sides of things yet still with a point and able to express.
I see Nine Inch Nails’ downward spiral in the background 👀 I still love that album to this day.
I’m 16, I didn’t even know that this was a thing. Thank you for educating me a little bit, I really enjoyed this episode!
I mean I have genitalia preferences but I have seen some trans people that were attractive both physically and romantically
I'm about to start the process to get the diagnosis (because we have public health in Italy it's free but it takes eons to be diagnosed) after 10 years of putting it aside and I can't shake off the feeling that no one will ever touch a man with a vjj and you just kind of gave me hope
😺
I dated a trans man with a vj, was a non issue for me (bi), I just asked him to tell me what he liked and how and where, what not to do etc, (like I do with anyone), and it wasn't a problem, if there's any comfort in that x) communication and such
Best of luck with your journey
@@scatterbrained1912 you're an angel I swear
we need more people like you
thank you so much
Don't even need to watch the video. The answer is yes! It is okay to have genitalia preferences, if anyone says it is not ok, thats some weird authoritarian shit and you should be weary of that person