You can have empathy for them, but do this from afar. Any empathy or kindness for the narcissist will only be seen as a weakness and something they can use to take advantage of you.
Just finished Jurassic Lost World, one raptor 'Blue', raised from birth had empathy. Her siblings, able to detect a weak endeavour on the trainer chose it as their moment to attack, (reptilian brains). Narcs are the weak ones, can't even love!
So true. I was having moment of compassion, my mother flipped like a switch and said, “I can’t believe I raised such a weak daughter. You’re too weak to stand up to me.”
Yeah. I have a close family member who has a progressive deteriorating medical condition. I feel sorry for them and always agree to help when they ask. However, they recently lashed out unfairly at me about a disagreement that was completely unrelated, and said I owed them more respect than they owe me (!) Later, when I pointed out this was not fair, they used their condition as ammunition. I said I was sorry they have the condition, but they have that same condition around other people too and don't lash out at *them* for some reason. They eventually agreed. (They don't have NPD and are usually kind, but can periodically say quite cutting and toxic things, esp to family members they think owe them obedience bc of age, family relationship, etc).
Instant tears when you said that someone with empathy for these ppl are YOUR HERO. Dr Ramani , you have been such a force of light in my life. I struggle to accept that my abilities are not something to hide or be a source of shame. I often feel weak for my love and attempts to understand the "human" i hope is under the cruel narcissism. And ive had to remember consciously just how awful the abuse really was. How can I care for someone who hurt me so? But you call this our superpower. THANK YOU for believing in us!! thank you for holding us up like simba in the lion king over the rock. We are some of the strongest, its true. Because FEELING emotions takes almost unfathomable amounts of bravery and strength. Much love to everyone here. My brothers and sisters in the soul. From TX
Interesting. I have a gentle, happy, kind Aunt. Seldom makes a negative remark. Her mother, my grandmother was a profoundly rude, aggressive, judgmental individual. I asked my aunt how she turned out differently? She said she, at a very young age, decided she never wanted to be that way. Her ability to make that mental boundary was phenomenal. She never ditched her mother, but she maintained her individuality.
I am similar to your aunt for a similar reason, but the details are different. I had a severely abusive mother and by age 7 I had already begun developing the narcissistic "me first at all costs" attitude, watching everyone else's every move and memorizing every word, not only to prevent them from gaslighting me, but also to use against them when I wanted my way. By age 8 I made my first suicide attempt, trying to get my mother's attention (I drank a bottle of dishwashing soap). She screamed and yelled at me, them she blamed my dad. I had severe diarrhea for a couple days, but I was okay. Mother didn't take me to the doctor because she didn't want a doctor to know anything happened. The difference was, my dad showed me a type of caring he always had, but extra. I didn't notice before the attempt because my mother convinced me he was evil and didn't love us. But I knew from that moment he did love me, as he has shown every day of my life, and nearly always when mother wasn't around to ruin the experience with drama. It was this love and the ability to trust my dad that allowed me to relax around most people and trust them, and to see that my mother was the problem, not the entire world as she had taught me with her at the center as my savior. My father was no angel and to this day sometimes enables her. I am 50 years old, and my father and mother are 88 and 86. I believe if my father hadn't stepped in at an early age, I would either be a full-blown narcissist today, but more likely I would be dead. Hope this adds to your understanding of one reason out of many how abused children can grow up to have empathy. I can be very kind. I also have minimal tolerance for lies and bullshit. Be kind to yourself, now and always.
Daniel Kaiser : WOW. It’s amazing how the lives of so many ( world wide) are so similar. If I didn’t know better I’d have thought my brother wrote this. People like you make the world a better place. Stay 💪 strong!
@@vicbaker8367 People like you as well make the world a better place. I have read some of your comments over time and it is easy for me to conclude you have awesome qualities. It was people like you and so many others on this channel I would have become friends with during public school years and remained friends an entire lifetime despite having gone our own ways and living our own lives.
@@danielkaiser8971 @Vic Baker i don't want to intrude in to this beautiful conversation but I had to say that your story touched me very much. I struggle with certain narcissistic structures I picked up in childhood and can only now fully understand and unlearn. Your words are so kind and good and it's just healing for me to witness that after abuse and confusion there can be kindness and inside and trust.
Sarah Alessa : 👍. Another listener said it takes an army! We have several good leaders here on UA-cam, and we finally have the weapons necessary to win this war. Blessings.
Touched....profoundly....to tears at the deep, deep heart and insight of this particular Dr. Ramani offering. Literally....this gives me the courage to forge on...to live...to believe in my feelings and my capacities...without turning 'sour' on the rest of humanity....above all...the supportive persons in my family and entourage. If I could somehow seek a vicarious 'shelter' in your lucid, compassionate and brilliant mind, Dr. Ramani....I would stay there forever....TRUTH.
Find some way or method to prompt an internal psycho-spiritual ' shower ' and just let loose, let go, and let what needs to come out of you happen in it's own natural course. Then take a literal shower and feel the warm water cleans away the stress and tensions, releasing you to move forward as a healthy, happy person. Avoid punishing others for the awfulness of your abuser(S). ( if there is an extra seat at the table, save me a spot. Right next to u....
I can have empathy, but that doesn’t mean I need to keep them in my circle. They are literally under my feet! I choose to heal; therefore I exposed my predator. Took me 50 years, but I DID IT! I’m free to live my best life moving forward. Thanks for sharing your wisdom.
I'm soon 52, married for 30 years....to a narcissist. I have wanted to leave for the past 2 years and am building my strength to do so. I think what scares me the most is the smear campaign he will most certainly unleash. Most family and friends support my choice as they have seen him at his worst. I think this will be the most difficult experience I will take on. , but I will gain my life back.
I noticed that you didn't mention narc parents. Thank you for keeping that issue separate. It's one thing to be e.g. married to a narcissist and being born to one. No matter how horrible adult relations with narcissists are, it's nothing compared to the rage attacks and gaslighting when you are a toddler. Hurt people hurt people, but only evil picks on the defenseless.
@@valeriegonzalez6629 I was actually thinking more about the undeservance of any kind of sympathy. If a toddler is told they're a burden and everyone hates them it's "fact". "Mommy didn't get a promotion at work because your mother's day card is ugly and now we're going to be poor because of you" is on a whole different level compared to a fiancee saying that "my friends think you don't love me enough because my ring doesn't have a big enough diamond". I've had my fair share of narcs - and I always had some empathy, if nothing else the pity of how bleak their life is. But the "tough childhood" sob story is not acceptable or accepted with narc parents. It just isn't. "My father was violent drunk and it made my childhood a nightmare, now I have the right to be a violent drunk parent to you, haha and shut up"??? NO - you can't play that card. That is a line not to be crossed. When narcs go for someone "approximately their size" you can have the empathy (previous example) e.g. she was brought up that money and gifts are love, that you need material things to prove your worth to others... When you have such an intrinsically uneven power structure like parent-child, it's just plain evil.
I've questioned myself many times, and still do, if I'm in the "wrong" for being empathetic, if im losing something, why bad things happen to good people and all of that. I'm now discovering strength in being just me, having of course to set boundaries and prioritize myself but not ever compromise my core values in order to fit into today's society and specially with people my age, that I hardly ever can relate to. There is something very powerful in being who you are and it's been more powerful when you were in a relationship with a narcissist, where you basically lost yourself completely. It's a unique path, but one very rewarding and I see my progress. It's been 5 months for me and it's very deep and intense. Dr Ramani changed my life ❤️
Yes indeed, being yourself is a strength, and having empathy despite having been abused is also both wonderful and admirable. It is no wonder how abuse causes us to question even our good qualities, but then again, that's probably residual self-gaslighting from past abuse from a narcissist who wanted you to be confused that good is bad and bad is good. Being yourself is a very strong sign of resilience and strength. You are well on your way on the road of recovery. It is among the most awesome places you can be, where you can see how far you've come and there is no more hopeful-type turning back to the abuse, no more looking backwards. Because that's not where you're going. Your future self is in view ahead, waiting for you with love and open arms.
I am a very empathetic person and have been from childhood. My parents, each in their own way, sucked me dry, telling me in endless detail about their problems with each other, particularly. I was witness to many heartrending abusive scenes to my little brother, their own violent fights, verbal abuse of each other and even severe abuse of my pet dog and cat by my father. I took care of them when they were sick. I was the housemaid. And yet I was the scapegoat. There were moments when I had the intuition that they were enacting on me abuse they had themselves experienced and they needed to see it manifested outside themselves so they could "walk around" it, so to speak, for their own soul. But these moments and sacrifices of me did not have any observable healing effect on them.
I think total trust in any relationship is overpriced as i ended up hating myself for ever believing my ex-husband. When my ex-husband started getting home late, I would ask and he'd say something came up at work. When i couldn't take any more of his lies, I decided it was time i get to know what was really going on. On the recommendation of a friend, I contacted this great ethical hacker (cyberhackingsage@gmail) who cloned his cellphone without physically touching the device and as a result, I was able to access his social media accounts, GPS Location, iMessage, call logs and text messages (both recent and deleted) through a remote decryption link sent to me. I discovered he is a liar who is having a secret affair with his secretary and that he has been using money from our joint account to finance the affair. Thanks to cyberhackingsage, I was able to file for divorce with lots of evidence against him. If you're ever in doubt or you need that extra bit of closure, I recommend you send a mail to cyberhackingsage@gmail or text and WhatsApp them at +15713758467. I hope you find peace of mind just like me after I discovered the truth.
There is no women out there that is producing anything of value that doesn't get her looks dragged into it. Men have to bring up the looks of a women to remind us we are here to please them. Dear God it's so annoying
Hurt people DO help people! And learning how to set boundaries turned my empathy into my best asset. Love what you do with this channel--thank you, Dr. Ramani!
To anyone who hasn't read Dr Ramani's books on Narcissism... 1. Should I stay or should I go 2. Don't you know who I am I swear these two books changed my life for the better! They are so healing and informative. I finally broke through the pain and confusion I had carried my whole life. PS I listened to the audiobook because my ADHD doesn't allow me to read for a long time. I promise you won't regret it. Life.changing. !!!
Thank you much for sharing, just today was thinking about buying "Should I stay or should I go" even after many hours of videos, and I see your comment :)
Dr. Ramani... When you said “for those of you who have retained your empathy after suffering narcissistic abuse, you are one of my heroes.” This made me want to Burst into tears. Just that simple validation after such a long road of devastation and pain …was healing. Thank you.
Yes, her words surprised me. I think this will help me heal as well. I could return to the relationship any time I want. However, there is no way that I can because I quickly remember the 40 years of hell that escalated horribly the last 8 years.
"By staying, you don't need to deal with the guilt and the negative emotions of leaving".... that one sentance just summed up some of our lives and explains so much. Thank-you so much Dr Ramani x
I have empathy for them because they tend to self sabotage themselves and hit rockbottom. So i tend to be empathetic with their sores and it s only human. I like that saying "Just because you lost me as a friend doesn't mean you gained me as an enemy. I'm bigger than that , I still wanna see you eat , just not at my table"
It took me till I was in my 50s to realize exactly what the problem of yelling and screaming calling name's the abuse I took from my father, I could feel somthing wasn't right. Now I truly understand how much my Mother went through. She stayed so meny year's, she's 81 now and Dad just turned 80. She felt so much guilt staying and leaving. They are finally apart.But I feel the empathy for him and I cry Somtimes to learn what my mom and Dad went through. The way they treated us. I don't see eather of them now, my Mother lives with my older sister and her husband who judge me based on me still wanting to talk with my narcissist Dad..Thank you Doctor Ramani,for your wisdom. It's okay to have Empathy for both my parents. I just share it with God now and not them. I think that's best for me and my mental health.
When my ex-wife described to me the intimate details of her molestation at age 9, I felt so bad for her and suddenly felt like it was okay if she treated me disrespectfully. Now I know better. It's not okay.
Empathy is what keeps you stuck in a hopeless situation you cannot “fix” them. They are responsible for themselves. Setting a hard boundary can make you feel heartless or guilty because you see their pain. Look in the mirror and see your own pain and then walk away. Do not feel guilty because you are having compassion for yourself.
That is such wise advice!! I see my Narc Mom's pain and want to help help her, but it's akin to helping a snake that's wounded yet has venom...if you come too close and it will bite you once you recover!
N B you did not cause her pain and trying to”fix” it will only cause you more. Controlling where, when and for how long you see heris something you can and should do for your own mental health. No matter what you do it is sad. 😥
@@carolbearce5318 I see and feel bad about her pain because at the end of the day, she's my mother, and even though she's a cruel Narc to me, when she is lonely and hurting (hurt emotionally by others or suffering from her many physical ailments), I wish things would work better for her.
N B Before he died I made peace with my father by having a conversation about when we were younger... we learned a lot about each other. Of course he denied remembering anything that did not make him look good. I never discussed those things again. When we spoke on the phone I kept things positive and could spend 1-2 weeks a year with him and then needed recovery from the anxiety and rages. I also was married to a man with NPD and suffer from c PTSD survival meant that I end such a destructive relationship. Doing the work to understand myself and being able to express myself in healthy ways has made all the difference. It is still sad for everyone’s pain. Wishing you all the best on your journey.
When the power-dress was put away in the cupboard, he literally changed physically - his face softened, his smile seemed sincere and he looked like a lost soul. I feel empathy for that little boy in the man who endured a very traumatic childhood so different to my own and my children’s. I’ve been no contact for 3 months, ignore any form of communication I receive from him and am feeling better than before I met him. It has taken a huge amount of effort and work on myself but I am out the other side - wiser, kinder to myself and empowered 💫🌻 I am so grateful to Dr Ramani for her wisdom, insight, support and inspiration to keep moving forward 💗
What you said about enablers towards the end really resonated with me - I’m one of 5 children with a narcissistic mother - they remain in contact whilst I’m practising grey rock/detachment with love (via Al-Anon as she’s also an alcoholic) and they just don’t get it. That is quite hard and isolating at times. Have saved this video to rewatch with my husband. Thank-you
If everyone went NC with a narc, the narc would end up completely alone, and maybe, just maybe they would change, because it's either that or a whole lifetime of complete loneliness. By people staying with them it just means that the narcs will continue to abuse.
I needed this today. I'm feeling so heavy hearted stressed and depressed. I've stopped interacting much with my mother but we're in the same house. Feeling so low i have to force myself out of bed.
Sounds like you could be clinically depressed. You might need professional help. I suffer from clinical depression and knows what it feels like to force myself out of bed. Also know how a narc can drive you into depression. Lots of therapy and even meds keep me afloat. So there is hope. But living with a narcissist is really really tuff. There are professionals out there that understands. Hope you find/ have one and that you get to resolve your situation. My heart goes out to you …
I’m DONE with being Anyone’s “punching bag!” There are only so many hours in a day, weeks in a month and months in a year!” Just run as fast as you can- it can only get better!
It's amazing that Dr. Ramani used the term "emotional punching bag". Apparently, many survivors of narcissistic abuse have thought of this term, or else when they hear it, it is a perfect description. Because I had already thought of this exact term on my own decades ago, when I was around 17 years old in regard to how my mother treated me and others. I will be 50 soon, and all of these years it is a term that still fits with the type of abuse.
The coverts in my life guilt trip me into feeling empathy for them, even though my sane mind warns me against it. The F.O.G. does lead me down the empathy rabbit hole. Nobody should have empathy towards narcissists- in particular the repeat offenders/the ones who have no genuine intention of working on themselves.
I'm so glad your continuing this series. Its such an important topic that hasn't been addressed enough. Have a great day Dr Ramani and everyone reading this.
Empathy as a sucker bet has been part of the mid-Atlantic states since before my childhood, as I grew up 2 hours away from NYC, and the prevailing culture mocked me for honesty and emotional availability. I could not socially succeed until I masked as a heartless person. Then I had to unlearn that -- not to difficult, but knowing when to mask and when not to was the biggest challenge. I think the main ingredient in the recipe of pressure is the competition for business in NYC. I think some areas of the US are hotbeds of narcissistic behaviour and other areas support the development of empathy. There are mini-cultures throughout the US, as I discovered in my travels.
Oh Lordy, you mean Colorado isn't the worst? I live in a republican, right-wing, rich, religiously zealous area in southern CO and the people are so damn mean and self-centered. Hypocrites. Hateful and bullying to anyone who doesn't follow their thought patterns, especially the poor, sick, and disabled.
Kim Slone, I found your original comment fascinating. Most of my relatives have always lived in the south-central USA but my niece (and immediate family) moved to NYC a couple years ago. She and I have remained in contact by email and phone, and she has reported exactly the same things as you say in your comment! She says it has taken a toll on her because she has to put on a whole different face than she is in private. She has to act tough and heartless sometimes, when it's not who she is. I don't know what to tell her but she has figured out how to adapt, and she finds it refreshing to call home and visit with old friends and certain relatives to feel grounded. It's not devastating to her, she is fine, but it's nothing like she had ever been used to before moving there, which was essentially being the same person at work or in public as she already was at home.
Imogen I agree with you about the SF Bay Area/Silicon Valley. I was born & raised here, traveled all over the country and the world with the military so there are definitely different “flavors” of narcissism & other personality disorders regionally, but, they all share the same core traits. It does seem to be that the SF Bay Area/Silicon Valley has the *highest* concentration of narcissism, NPD, and other personality disorders. My theory is that the SF Bay Area/Silicon Valley is a veritable “melting pot” of personalities from all over the country and the world, add in the unique stresses, the bizarre ‘software engineer’ personality of epic population proportionally in what is really a quite finite geographic area, and you have a microcosm of rampant personality disorders essentially equivalent to a mental hospital with a ‘wing’ for the ‘criminally insane’ roaming free, often under the guise of being a very powerful tech executive.
@@chinookvalley I already left a reply to the original comment about my niece who moved to NYC, and now that I read your comment I am reminded of a high school friend who moved to Colorado (specifically, Colorado Springs) and whose job sometimes takes her south into Durango, and further south into northern New Mexico. She has reported (on her Facebook page) some things very similar to your description of Colorado. She says there is a notable sentiment of right-leaning politics and some of it she finds intolerable. But she also says west of Colorado Springs is Manitou Springs, nearly the complete opposite, very left-leaning liberal including an entire demographic of people interested in the metaphysical arts. But she says some of these people are just as bad, that is, if you question their beliefs and don't openly demonstrate some form of "anything goes, as long as it's not conservative". Can you comment on whether any of this is reasonably true?
I kept thinking about Peter Capaldi saying "You're not superior to the people who were cruel to you. You're just a whole bunch of new cruel people" as she described the hurt people hurting other people. And we have to walk away, even as we pity them.
Dr. Ramani...i have been searching for therapy for past 2 months and cant tell you how blessed i feel coming across your channel. past week my mental health has been so much better just watching your videos. all the answers i have been looking for has been answered on your channel. you literally saved a life. thank you so much.
I do feel empathy towards them. That's why I had to go no contact...a narcissist who knows you have empathy towards them is a dangerous person. Thank you for this video.
Keep your energy for yourself, put your foot down or else what? A better life awaits? He's so self-absorbed he'll barely notice. I did so so much, never worked so friggin hard in my life, still I was a slacker, still I should kiss his ass. He's funny; our daughter's friend's boyfriend said "Go pick out an engagement ring 💍!" Hubby snided at that but we knew it was because the fiancee wanted her friend to choose something she'd like! Ha, I said later, "Where was your ring?" (Mine are still in the mines) "Weren't sure I'd say yes? It's ok, I don't need reminding!". Turn the tables, you're no good to anyone dead, mine doesn't want a divorce, nor do I, we both know we're well off and we'd have less adult kids in our lives but honestly they just like to criticize and we're the easiest targets! A guy bud said to me years back "So you stick up for yourself!" Is that what I was doing, how is playing hard ball fun or romantic? It's not! He's the weak one sugar, needing to demean you to feel good about himself, imagine that, they're all textbook, show him who he's screwing with, that he chose the wrong person to take advantage of!
"Forgive & Forget" does NOT mean you acquire "Abuse Amnesia" so they can continue to abuse you. Forgive yourself for ever tolerating it. Move on without them. You need to work through the justifiable anger. Then try to forget & have the happy life you deserve.
@Kenneth Faulk- Thanks. But I can't take the credit. I'm paraphrasing from research & videos like this that helped me to understand & cope. So I pass it on.....
I feel soooooo soooooo sorry for him. I still feel like I SHOULD help him! He has NO ONE! Had I seen ANY improvement I probably would have stayed and helped him to my detriment. I fully care about HIS FEELINGS. I don't want to, but I do.
I gave/sacrificed myself trying to help him....it affected my health/finances/self worth. However, as I learned about about NPD it finally ALL made sense to me. And I would SEE ALL the marc's behavior in REAL time. I forgive myself for trying to "help" him....for he NEVER will take accountability/responsibility for ANYTHING!!! This I painfully learned as I repeatedly took those hoovers....but NO MORE!!! I made No Contact the beginning of MY healing/surviving journey. The lesson that I HAD to learn to survive is that it is NOT my responsibility to rescue this narc from his childhood/environment. Thank you Dr. Ramani for honest videos like these to help those make sense of it all; but more importantly to help us heal in a healthy manner.
I've went no contact from all the toxic people in my life and I try to keep new ones at a distance. The healing and recovery has it's own challenges in itself. This video has connected some pivotal dots for me. Your other video's benefited my healing greatly as well! Thank you, Dr. Ramani! Many blessings to you! 💗
I've been commenting on a lot of videos already, but I have to thank Dr Ramani again. I mean, this video brought me to tears. I have been feeling such a guilt lately, for distancing myself from a narcissist in my life, when in fact I was just finally standing for myself, and setting boundaries, but I see myself as a "bad person" - I feel like I am just yet another person who's hurting a narcissist, and yes God, he has been hurt, by so many people and I feel like he just got so used to it, he now justify his abusers, moreso, he won't admit there is any abnormality in the way people treat him. Even so, I came to realize, it is not my problem. I am learning how to live with this sense of guilt, and to really step back and admit to myself, I have lost my true self in this ambyss of his. No more!
„If you decide to stay in this relationship, thats on you.“ ... key sentence for me. Me still being in contact is mainly due to the fact that i am the only child of a single narc parent now disabled after a stroke. But however tragic the situation is of having to care for them, this has been my chance to work through the relationship, realize that they have always been narcissistic and begin to heal with the help of this channel, all the amazing people in the comments and therapy. I am still finding myself and learning to differentiate between my own pain and the pain that my narc parent has imprinted upon me. But i walking the path one tiny step at a time. And i do have a lot of empathy for them. But i am slowly learning to realize that i deserve empathy too. And also i have the right to decide that i cannot go no contact yet, but not for them, for myself.
Learning to set proper boundaries is one of the most important lessons in life, along with learning to learn/to start doing something even when you're unsure how to start.
Dr. Ramani you bring it 110% every single time. Thank you for ministering, teaching truth, helping us look at reality versus what we so hoped and wanted the relationship to be. I am healing because of you.
I am very sensitive and empathic and grew up in the most cruel abusive family of sociopaths and narcissists. Healing from all their damage. I often wonder why and what my purpose is here. I'm sure it has something to do with my empathy and love for children, animals and nature. I meet narcs almost everywhere I go and these people get what they want, are in positions of power and step all over others. I can easily spot them now. Our world is very broken. I hope God can use me and my pain to help and love others. I hope some good can come from that. But I am not weak and will never allow a narc to abuse me again. No is my favorite word.
I love children, animals (though HATE REPTILES) and nature. I love your statement, "No is my favorite word." May the Lord help us use our pain to help others.
I have empathy, very strong empathy. It took me years and years to figure out that I needed to be VERY mindful of those things I was feeling that were truly my own feelings, and what I was internalizing from others. Then it took a few more to figure out how to separate those feeling of empathy from my own feelings. Generally, I will meditate. When I find myself in that peaceful place, I try to examine those feelings individually, keeping those emotions that are authentically my own, and visualizing throwing out of those feelings I am having that are how I imagine others are feeling. This has been tremendously helpful for me to separate the feelings, which helps me a great deal in removing some of that emotional burden that makes decision making in my interactions with the narcissist a bit more clear headed. I wanted to give those narcissists the very thing they refuse to give me, and then foolishly was hurt when they could not live up to the same standards. I just never want anyone.. even people I don't like, to feel discarded, unloved and disposable.. but in the process, I was letting myself be negated. Thank you for the validation.. maybe I can stop beating myself up for feeling such intense empathy for those who abuse me in the first place and let that go to focus better on how I deal with that empathy within myself.
Have you dealt with conversational narcissists before: people who bring the focus back to themselves because they want to be heard and validated yet take very little interest in how you feel and whats happening on your end. Basically exploiting your empathy in a sense, your willingness to listen, empathize and validate?
@@jay-s9y1c To be honest, I myself have those tendencies in person.. a little less obvious in text. While I am very open to the idea of a personality disorder for myself, realistically that line of thought rarely pans out (for which I am grateful though still wary). So my first response is "yeah.. I am guilty of that myself" BUT, thinking on it, yes, I hae experienced this on the other side too (which helped me start fixing my own mess lol). A chat starting about one thing turns into a session of dealing with some issue the narcissist has. Thing is.. even though I used to take it as an honest attempt at some self examination, what they wanted was received as soon as I let that be the topic of discussion, with the original topic (regardless of importance) is mostly forgotten.. even by me! I had to put my foot down and say "Look, you need a professional, I am not a professional and frankly, have zero motivation to want to help since they were using it to avoid a specific topic with a little supply thrown in for good measure. It may have taken me far too long to learn, but I CAN be taught. ;)
I think total trust in any relationship is overpriced as i ended up hating myself for ever believing my ex-husband. When my ex-husband started getting home late, I would ask and he'd say something came up at work. When i couldn't take any more of his lies, I decided it was time i get to know what was really going on. On the recommendation of a friend, I contacted this great ethical hacker (cyberhackingsage@gmail) who cloned his cellphone without physically touching the device and as a result, I was able to access his social media accounts, GPS Location, iMessage, call logs and text messages (both recent and deleted) through a remote decryption link sent to me. I discovered he is a liar who is having a secret affair with his secretary and that he has been using money from our joint account to finance the affair. Thanks to cyberhackingsage, I was able to file for divorce with lots of evidence against him. If you're ever in doubt or you need that extra bit of closure, I recommend you send a mail to cyberhackingsage@gmail or text and WhatsApp them at +15713758467. I hope you find peace of mind just like me after I discovered the truth.
There are VERY few people in the world who haven't experienced childhood trauma, so that is NEVER an excuse for narcissistic behavior. Narcissistic behavior is a CHOICE. It is CHOOSING not to take responsibility for your own actions.
My mind and what the good book has taught me, teaches me I should be kind, patient, mild, forgiving, putting up with one another, have tender compassion, love, peace, humility, considering others superior to you. I believe I can attain this with help from above. Within my heart, it is a constant battle.
Another great chat, thank you. I passed a test... my youngest thought I should speak to his father the n because my eldest was hospitalized. I said no. Never again do I desire to see his face or speak to him under any circumstances. Period. They are both grown and I will not let anything suck me back into the abyss. Divorced in 2012 I have stayed single to appease the n on behalf of our children so that he would not drag them into his hatefulness, to maintain peace among all. Enough is enough. I will not even ask how he is doing to anyone associated with him. I have emotionally detached myself from hell and refuse to return in any way shape or form. I found his egotistical, entitled ways most distasteful and ugly and it made the ugly come out in me in ways I never thought possible. My grown children will adjust to their new and improved mom eventually. My empathy for him died in April. I’ll stick with feeling sorry for him from afar.
Dr Ramani, thank you from the bottom of my heart! ❤ I have been married to a covert narcissist for 21 years, and dated him for 5 years before. We were not quite 16, when we started dating. I still have extreme empathy for him, but also intense anger, as I'm realizing how much pain he has caused our children and me. Just went to the police station, this morning, for information on a restraining order. This is terrifying, but necessary. Speaking with my teenage kiddos, yesterday, forced me to face reality. They are hurting terribly, but afraid of separation from either my husband or I. Just as I have been afraid to leave my husband. A few weeks ago, I told my husband that things are not working out. This was following a long email from our counselor, basically saying how wonderful my husband is, and that I have an unreasonable vendetta against him. I feel betrayed, at a deeper level than I knew was possible. I'm going to have trouble trusting another therapist. A neurologist has referred me to a psychiatrist and a psychologist, because she believes that my uncontrollable muscle movements are psychologically based. It feels like I have been in crisis for years, but I haven't been able to trust my husband to care for our kids, while I get help for myself. My kids desperately need help too, but they are afraid to talk to a counselor. Thank you so much for the work that you do! ❤
I'm so sorry you had that experience with your therapist. Apparently it's not uncommon for narcs to outsmart even therapists, and turn them into flying monkeys and against you. Find a better therapist who is properly trained in abuse, but never ever doubt yourself. If you feel it's over, no matter what the reason, you have a right to end a relationship thst is not working for you, or for your children. You will find the way to care for them, and stay safe. Step by step
Dr. Ramani, it’s like you took a page out of my brain and read it out loud to me. I DO feel empathy and compassion for my narcissist. When he would devalue and rage, I started telling him that I know he’s not as angry at me as he thought and that I knew this was his unaddressed and neglected childhood wounds adding to his frustration. I didn’t realize how often I said that compassionately and patiently until after I left the relationship and he contacted me and started the cycle all over again…in his rage he told me, “and don’t say it anymore. Don’t tell me how I’m not as angry with you as I think I am. This isn’t my unaddressed childhood trauma and abuse. I’m sick of hearing that. I don’t care about the past.” And then he threatened suicide which I calmly checked on by phone to make sure he wasn’t serious (and he wasn’t), and then he laughed at my checking on him and discarded me yet again. And I am okay with this bc as my wise teenage child told me recently…toxic people are like bullets in a gunshot wound. You can’t heal the gunshot wound while the bullet is still in your body. Your narcissist is the bullet. You must get rid of the bullet to heal. And so, I pray. I ask God to help him heal and to help him in ways that I can’t and will not able to. And simultaneously, I’m taking the time to heal me before I even think about another romantic relationship. And this new focus on my own health and well-being and my child’s is empowering. Some days I feel guilty but that fades as I see him in the community and I know he’s doing well. Thank you for addressing this topic. I didn’t even know anyone else would feel like I do. This will help me remind myself that I am not the chosen whipping boy for the wounds I didn’t ever cause him or even know him when they were created.
“… toxic people are like bullets in a gunshot wound. You can’t heal the gunshot wound until you get get rid of the bullet. You must get rid of the bullet to heal.” ~a very wise grandson
@@gailcapshaw397 thank you so much. She really is. Even as a little little girl she seemed wiser than me. I’ve always admired her gifted wisdom and her ability to express it so eloquently to me. I’m so grateful for her. ❤️
Thank you Dr. Ramani, I have NEVER been called a hero, this brought tears 😢 I've often thought that I should trun it off, but that just it goes against me. Even after all the things he has done to me, I have absolutely no hate in me and truly wish the best for him, knowing it goes against their self sabotaging ways. I struggle so much with setting boundaries and saying no with out feeling extreme guilt, I'm learning how to do it and trying to release the struggle within me 💔
As always you are so right! I do feel tremendous compassion for my narc. mother but when I created distance I was finally able to see the people who truly love me. I was always catering to her and putting my husband and children last. She will never change and even though she hates the boundaries I have put in place and even though I feel sorry for her I am now able to keep the focus where it should be. I can't thank you enough Dr. Ramani!
Thank you! I am my narcissistic parents’ primary care giver and I struggle a lot with guilt (it was used to “control” me growing up). I feel so badly for my mom’s situation sometimes, but she still continues to try to hurt me and it angers me. Then I feel guilty. It’s a terrible circle. This video helped me a lot. I know I can find peace of mind, and I will continue working on myself!
The often tragic and traumatic backstories of narcissists is context, NOT an excuse! Guess who else had lousy childhoods? We did! "Yes, hurt people, hurt people...but sometimes hurt people HELP people." - Dr. Ramani. Thanks for helping all of us, Dr. Ramani!
I honestly thought for a long time I could fix a narc by just ignoring his behaviour and being nice to him. Sometimes I still think that way. Thank you Dr. Ramani for making it clear, it doesn't work that way. I needed to hear that. The issue was/is for me, when my brother showed some compassion I would instantly forgive him and be happy with him. Only to be met with the same anger, jealousy later down the line. I need to learn not to pull my guard down.
I’ve learned to save my empathy for people that have the capacity for empathy. I might have compassion for narcissists but I don’t get caught up in my own emotion. Hard lesson for me to learn. I’m better off for it.
You have been my guide in difficult times. Also listening to you makes me want to come out stronger and not pity the narcissist or myself for what happened. I am trying to forgive him and myself and let it go.
This is one of your finest videos, Dr. R. It went right to the core and I cannot thank you enough. (Side note: Dec. will mark one year of no contact, with many more to come.)
Being able to look at their other relationships objectively helped me with my over-empathy problem. So many people had tried to be their friend but quit. Over time, after trying so much to communicate my feelings and get any accountability beyond "I already said sorry, what more do you want?!" -- I had a hard time continuing to rationalize why I hadn't quit too.
I have watched countless videos of yours but this one has to be the most impactful one I’ve seen and the most helpful one to me at my current time since going no contact. I can’t tell you how much I appreciate all your work and guidance on how to deal with such difficult and complex people. Thank you so, so much.
Thank you very much for your help and effort to help us but at the same time i just wanted to let you know that you are such a beautiful lady inside and out 🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰💜💜💜💜💜💜
I think this is one of Dr. Ramani's best videos. She goes into what makes a person a narcissist. They are usually hurt people, people who were hurt in childhood. Having empathy for a person who was hurt is the hallmark of a kind person. It doesn't necessarily make you a sucker unless you don't ever set boundaries with someone who is abusive.
Thank you for this video! So helpful. Guilt can be powerful. I have to remind myself that making myself feel better by complying to their desires enables them and perpetuations codependency. I have to remember to feel peace from within, not from without. Getting better all the time
"self protection is a right" (10:08). . . "being compassionate with a narcissist doesn't mean sacrificing your life, or throwing yourself under the bus" (16:00). . . "no person should destroy themselves in the process of trying to give (love, warmth and compassion) to another person" (16:20)
I love my mother with every ounce of me but being with her or around her drains me immensely. I try to spend time with her and "relive" the magical moments I made myself believe we had together when I was younger. I leave the encounters silent, numb, lower back pain, and wondering why can't she love me like I love her. Why can't she see me or understand me?
Beautiful message today, Dr. Ramani. For over 30 years, my empathy caused me to hold out hope that the narcissist would change. One day, hate was suddenly spewed at me again, and it was the "straw that broke the camel's back"and my empathy had run bone-dry. Never again would I feel empathy or sympathy for my narcissist; neither do I feel hate. There are other people to care for in the world, and my energy won't be wasted! ❤️
I came from a sea of narcissists and opened my eyes to the basic fact I have a choice to be in or out of these relationships. I’m empathetic and an optimist by nature. I’ve misused these gifts to enable narcissists ever hopeful they will change while allowing them to suck the life out of me. Leading to me neglecting my own needs and not using that energy to nourish healthy, life giving relationships. I’ve now quit all these relationships starting with my mom this year, deciding “alone was better than toxic”. Your videos have been such a blessing to me, I watch them almost daily to reform my thinking to push away the narcissists rather then draw in. Your helping me to love me and others more effectively. I’m now no longer an active supporter of narcissists. Needed this message today that guilt in breaking off the relationships is normal. Thanks so much, what you all do matters!
I left my narcissist husband of 20 years a month ago and it feels good. I still talk to him and I treat him with respect but the minute he starts gaslighting and all the other stuff they do it’s time to go the conversation is over and I move on until another time. I cannot treat him bad or expose him even if I tried it’s just not who I am. I’m not angry with him or wish him bad I love him from far away and the ability to do that has set me free.
I'm working through my narcissistic abuse since the end of 2019. I've always suspected there was something like that but it was not until my 35th year that I saw it clearly: my mom is indeed a covert narcissist and I've been emotionally abused by her all my life. I have been co-dependant for most of my life. Since then I've been working on becoming a good parent for my inner child, feeling for myself and creating boundaries. I'm practicing speaking my truth, listening to my authentic self and freeing myself from old and negative beliefs about myself and others. Still I can't stop loving my mom. I do not want to go no contact. I sometimes still call her in hope that she will understand and comfort me, although I know in advance that I'll probably get disappointed. I do not feel guilty as much as I used to but I get sad, just so sad. There are waves of sadness crushing over me and then ebbing away. I haven't cried this much for years. I'm telling myself this is part of the process but, honestly, I'm wondering if this will pass one day and I'll actually feel free.
Dr. Ramani, I LOVE your videos. 99% of therapists know NOTHING about the devastating effects of narcissistic abuse, I have wasted most of my life either educating them or being re-traumatized by them. So it's been very comforting to hear someone who understands what we empaths went through. My sadistic, evil mother made life a living HELL for 50 years - until her death. I thought her death would kill me too - to my suprise, my health improved instantly and dramatically. These people will drive you into crippling disabilities or suicide if you let them. And there was never anyone to help me. Even after her death, I was a walking zombie, in a numb, dissociation or living with horrific flashbacks from C-PTSD. Without 1,000's more of trained therapists, who are few and far between - we will never recover. Never. And the potential of what we might have become can never be realized. Narcissists should be charged with hate crimes, because they abuse is nothing short of soul murdering. Please continue to give survivors the support they need in leaving these people and not listening to enablers who refuse to hear just how bad this is. This is not a bit of bullying and insensitive behavior - this is a systematic attempt of the narc to intentionally and deliberately break and DESTROY another person. (On another note, girlfriend-to-girlfriend: I have been a fan of yours for years, seeing you on tv in the past too. On your youtube videos though, I noticed on some of your videos it looked as if you were losing hair around your hairline. Then other videos, revealed you'd had your roots touched up. Ah-ha! I used to have the same problem. And the only product that worked for me - making me look like I had no grey at all, so that my hairline didn't make me look like it had disappeared or dramatically receded was Color & Lift Root Color Powder with Thickening Fibers by TruHair. It looks so natural and stays in until you wash your hair again. You are such a beauty. And I thought to myself, if you hadn't heard of it - you might love it too. It only takes 10 seconds to apply to the roots that have turned grey and you look as lovely and polished as when you were in your 20's and didn't need to cover grey roots.) truhair.com/products/color-and-lift-with-thickening-fibers?variant=33713683908¤cy=USD&gclid=Cj0KCQjwwOz6BRCgARIsAKEG4FV26bAilNKMRiTKE_cBD7oZUYIswXmUHDr1eJlcYsrCITEEb8O0lYIaArl8EALw_wcB
The moment you are talking about the balance between feeling compassionate & setting boundaries not to be abused by them - this is SO true! I've been thinking about this for several months already. And I told about that in a sincere way. They started therapy, but family rules & boundaries are broken & broken again. I'm frustrated, stuck, don't know how much would I tolerate this and wait for the their healing.
Thank you! Instant tears in response to your praise for having empathy. I worked for a narcissistic company that broke me down and rocked my world. I quit my job and I’m facing my childhood. I am navigating this at middle age. I have never had a label for what I was raised with before a couple of weeks ago when I saw one of your videos. This has been so eye opening for me. I grew up gray rocking and then as an adult wanted to be more authentic. Wow, what a mistake. Over and over opening myself up to harm. Wow!! I was operating without a rule book and the very things that worked in other areas of my personal life to be more healthy caused destruction in this other corner of my life. I simply can’t show enough love to fix this. I can’t work hard enough or accomplish enough to fix this! I have literally burned up all of my strength to try to fix this. My husband and family that I raised have always seen me as a powerhouse of courage and strength. I have battled my demons along the way and done my best to shed learned behaviors. I’ve made a lot of mistakes, but I know how to say I’m sorry and I try really hard to be a good Mom and Wife. Every day I take the lid off of little things that I am encountering. I’m self analyzing. And I’m working towards healing little parts of me. I do feel empathy, but it’s high time I really protect myself. I have allowed myself to be hurt. I can’t do it anymore. It has put me through the shredder. It’s not going to be better. I am amazed by how far this has broken me down. I’ve lost my confidence in myself as a bread winner and worse yet I don’t have the patience I one did after facing the gaslighting in my job every day. When it was compartmentalized and infrequent I managed.
Thank you Dr Ramani, for being there, and taking your time to help better explain narcissism to us. You are an amazing woman, and I appreciate your time!
I feel like you're answering me directly Dr Ramani 😀 This is the problem I have and why I gave my last guy too many chances. Deep down I thought the fact they had become a narcissist, wasn't their fault. Children are the innocents here and having childhood trauma like for example, a Parent leaving completely out of the blue, can make you develop different patterns and behaviours. I know that the reason they are a Narcissist is not my fault- although you do question yourself an awful lot.
Teri Persson It’s absolutely NOT your fault that that guy is a narcissist. He was that way before you met him. And, as Dr. Ramani says in this video, lots of people have traumatic childhoods and don’t become narcissists. It may not have been his fault, but it’s now his responsibility.
You can have empathy for them, but do this from afar. Any empathy or kindness for the narcissist will only be seen as a weakness and something they can use to take advantage of you.
Truth
TRUTH! They are terrible
Just finished Jurassic Lost World, one raptor 'Blue', raised from birth had empathy. Her siblings, able to detect a weak endeavour on the trainer chose it as their moment to attack, (reptilian brains). Narcs are the weak ones, can't even love!
So true, I have learned so much from Dr. Ramani.
So true. I was having moment of compassion, my mother flipped like a switch and said, “I can’t believe I raised such a weak daughter. You’re too weak to stand up to me.”
“Who decided you had to be the human sacrifice”... I really needed to hear this today, thank you.
L
stuck with the video thanks to this comment 👍
So profound
Yeah. I have a close family member who has a progressive deteriorating medical condition. I feel sorry for them and always agree to help when they ask. However, they recently lashed out unfairly at me about a disagreement that was completely unrelated, and said I owed them more respect than they owe me (!) Later, when I pointed out this was not fair, they used their condition as ammunition. I said I was sorry they have the condition, but they have that same condition around other people too and don't lash out at *them* for some reason. They eventually agreed. (They don't have NPD and are usually kind, but can periodically say quite cutting and toxic things, esp to family members they think owe them obedience bc of age, family relationship, etc).
who decided? me. at some point.
very stupid in retrospect.
Instant tears when you said that someone with empathy for these ppl are YOUR HERO. Dr Ramani , you have been such a force of light in my life. I struggle to accept that my abilities are not something to hide or be a source of shame. I often feel weak for my love and attempts to understand the "human" i hope is under the cruel narcissism. And ive had to remember consciously just how awful the abuse really was. How can I care for someone who hurt me so? But you call this our superpower. THANK YOU for believing in us!! thank you for holding us up like simba in the lion king over the rock. We are some of the strongest, its true. Because FEELING emotions takes almost unfathomable amounts of bravery and strength. Much love to everyone here. My brothers and sisters in the soul. From TX
Thank YOU for this comment. It made me cry but in a "it is so nice to know someone understands" kind of way.
Much love to you too my Empath Sister❤️❤️❤️
Empathy is a Gift from God💎
Love this thank you for sharing!! ❤️
Me too
I only wish him peace . I just cannot be there while he figures it out. Much love for us all 💞
Much love to you too my Empath Sister❤️❤️❤️☺️
Interesting. I have a gentle, happy, kind Aunt. Seldom makes a negative remark. Her mother, my grandmother was a profoundly rude, aggressive, judgmental individual. I asked my aunt how she turned out differently? She said she, at a very young age, decided she never wanted to be that way. Her ability to make that mental boundary was phenomenal. She never ditched her mother, but she maintained her individuality.
I am similar to your aunt for a similar reason, but the details are different. I had a severely abusive mother and by age 7 I had already begun developing the narcissistic "me first at all costs" attitude, watching everyone else's every move and memorizing every word, not only to prevent them from gaslighting me, but also to use against them when I wanted my way. By age 8 I made my first suicide attempt, trying to get my mother's attention (I drank a bottle of dishwashing soap). She screamed and yelled at me, them she blamed my dad. I had severe diarrhea for a couple days, but I was okay. Mother didn't take me to the doctor because she didn't want a doctor to know anything happened.
The difference was, my dad showed me a type of caring he always had, but extra. I didn't notice before the attempt because my mother convinced me he was evil and didn't love us. But I knew from that moment he did love me, as he has shown every day of my life, and nearly always when mother wasn't around to ruin the experience with drama.
It was this love and the ability to trust my dad that allowed me to relax around most people and trust them, and to see that my mother was the problem, not the entire world as she had taught me with her at the center as my savior. My father was no angel and to this day sometimes enables her. I am 50 years old, and my father and mother are 88 and 86.
I believe if my father hadn't stepped in at an early age, I would either be a full-blown narcissist today, but more likely I would be dead.
Hope this adds to your understanding of one reason out of many how abused children can grow up to have empathy. I can be very kind. I also have minimal tolerance for lies and bullshit.
Be kind to yourself, now and always.
Daniel Kaiser : WOW. It’s amazing how the lives of so many ( world wide) are so similar. If I didn’t know better I’d have thought my brother wrote this. People like you make the world a better place. Stay 💪 strong!
@@vicbaker8367 People like you as well make the world a better place. I have read some of your comments over time and it is easy for me to conclude you have awesome qualities. It was people like you and so many others on this channel I would have become friends with during public school years and remained friends an entire lifetime despite having gone our own ways and living our own lives.
@@danielkaiser8971 @Vic Baker i don't want to intrude in to this beautiful conversation but I had to say that your story touched me very much. I struggle with certain narcissistic structures I picked up in childhood and can only now fully understand and unlearn. Your words are so kind and good and it's just healing for me to witness that after abuse and confusion there can be kindness and inside and trust.
Sarah Alessa : 👍. Another listener said it takes an army! We have several good leaders here on UA-cam, and we finally have the weapons necessary to win this war. Blessings.
Touched....profoundly....to tears at the deep, deep heart and insight of this particular Dr. Ramani offering. Literally....this gives me the courage to forge on...to live...to believe in my feelings and my capacities...without turning 'sour' on the rest of humanity....above all...the supportive persons in my family and entourage. If I could somehow seek a vicarious 'shelter' in your lucid, compassionate and brilliant mind, Dr. Ramani....I would stay there forever....TRUTH.
Great comment!
You. Know your stuff wow
Find some way or method to prompt an internal psycho-spiritual ' shower ' and just let loose, let go, and let what needs to come out of you happen in it's own natural course. Then take a literal shower and feel the warm water cleans away the stress and tensions, releasing you to move forward as a healthy, happy person. Avoid punishing others for the awfulness of your abuser(S). ( if there is an extra seat at the table, save me a spot. Right next to u....
WOW!!!! Ditto!! Couldn't have said it any better!!!
Donna Me too. It would be a safe haven I have never known or felt.
I can have empathy, but that doesn’t mean I need to keep them in my circle. They are literally under my feet! I choose to heal; therefore I exposed my predator. Took me 50 years, but I DID IT! I’m free to live my best life moving forward.
Thanks for sharing your wisdom.
53 same story xxx
It seems that around 50 we realize what happened to our childhood and to all our lives! Same here
@@harakoutalou6868 indeed Xxxx better late than never 🙏🙏🙏💕🙏🙏🙏
Me too, just turned 50, 30 with years with my narc. 1 year free.
I'm soon 52, married for 30 years....to a narcissist. I have wanted to leave for the past 2 years and am building my strength to do so. I think what scares me the most is the smear campaign he will most certainly unleash. Most family and friends support my choice as they have seen him at his worst. I think this will be the most difficult experience I will take on. , but I will gain my life back.
Love that - Hurt people - Help people.
I loved this too. Having the capacity to look beyond your own pain to help others is what empathy is about, and it's a wonderful trait.
This is pure compassion......learned through own experiences❤
I noticed that you didn't mention narc parents.
Thank you for keeping that issue separate. It's one thing to be e.g. married to a narcissist and being born to one. No matter how horrible adult relations with narcissists are, it's nothing compared to the rage attacks and gaslighting when you are a toddler.
Hurt people hurt people, but only evil picks on the defenseless.
Yes. Having empathy for your narc parents, as a small child, carrying on into adulthood, is extra heartbreaking, to a dangerous extent.
Yes! can absolutely relate
@@valeriegonzalez6629 I was actually thinking more about the undeservance of any kind of sympathy.
If a toddler is told they're a burden and everyone hates them it's "fact". "Mommy didn't get a promotion at work because your mother's day card is ugly and now we're going to be poor because of you" is on a whole different level compared to a fiancee saying that "my friends think you don't love me enough because my ring doesn't have a big enough diamond".
I've had my fair share of narcs - and I always had some empathy, if nothing else the pity of how bleak their life is. But the "tough childhood" sob story is not acceptable or accepted with narc parents. It just isn't.
"My father was violent drunk and it made my childhood a nightmare, now I have the right to be a violent drunk parent to you, haha and shut up"???
NO - you can't play that card. That is a line not to be crossed.
When narcs go for someone "approximately their size" you can have the empathy (previous example) e.g. she was brought up that money and gifts are love, that you need material things to prove your worth to others...
When you have such an intrinsically uneven power structure like parent-child, it's just plain evil.
Great quote Anna2!! "Hurt people hurt people, but only evil picks on the defenseless."
“Those of you who still retain your empathy despite going through narcissistic are my heroes” 😭 thanks for saying that Dr Ramani
Hearing Dr Ramani say that literally teared me up
Feeling empathy makes you human. The trick is not to fall through the rabbit's hole the narcissist is trying to push you into. Thank you Dr Ramani.
I've questioned myself many times, and still do, if I'm in the "wrong" for being empathetic, if im losing something, why bad things happen to good people and all of that. I'm now discovering strength in being just me, having of course to set boundaries and prioritize myself but not ever compromise my core values in order to fit into today's society and specially with people my age, that I hardly ever can relate to. There is something very powerful in being who you are and it's been more powerful when you were in a relationship with a narcissist, where you basically lost yourself completely. It's a unique path, but one very rewarding and I see my progress. It's been 5 months for me and it's very deep and intense. Dr Ramani changed my life ❤️
@Annette Sandoval I'm happy it helped you, I'm trying to tell that to myself everyday, sharing does help 🥰
Yes indeed, being yourself is a strength, and having empathy despite having been abused is also both wonderful and admirable. It is no wonder how abuse causes us to question even our good qualities, but then again, that's probably residual self-gaslighting from past abuse from a narcissist who wanted you to be confused that good is bad and bad is good. Being yourself is a very strong sign of resilience and strength. You are well on your way on the road of recovery. It is among the most awesome places you can be, where you can see how far you've come and there is no more hopeful-type turning back to the abuse, no more looking backwards. Because that's not where you're going. Your future self is in view ahead, waiting for you with love and open arms.
I am a very empathetic person and have been from childhood. My parents, each in their own way, sucked me dry, telling me in endless detail about their problems with each other, particularly. I was witness to many heartrending abusive scenes to my little brother, their own violent fights, verbal abuse of each other and even severe abuse of my pet dog and cat by my father. I took care of them when they were sick. I was the housemaid. And yet I was the scapegoat.
There were moments when I had the intuition that they were enacting on me abuse they had themselves experienced and they needed to see it manifested outside themselves so they could "walk around" it, so to speak, for their own soul. But these moments and sacrifices of me did not have any observable healing effect on them.
I think total trust in any relationship is overpriced as i ended up hating myself for ever believing my ex-husband. When my ex-husband started getting home late, I would ask and he'd say something came up at work. When i couldn't take any more of his lies, I decided it was time i get to know what was really going on. On the recommendation of a friend, I contacted this great ethical hacker (cyberhackingsage@gmail) who cloned his cellphone without physically touching the device and as a result, I was able to access his social media accounts, GPS Location, iMessage, call logs and text messages (both recent and deleted) through a remote decryption link sent to me. I discovered he is a liar who is having a secret affair with his secretary and that he has been using money from our joint account to finance the affair. Thanks to cyberhackingsage, I was able to file for divorce with lots of evidence against him. If you're ever in doubt or you need that extra bit of closure, I recommend you send a mail to cyberhackingsage@gmail or text and WhatsApp them at +15713758467. I hope you find peace of mind just like me after I discovered the truth.
Well said!
Dr. Ramani is saving lives.
Giving us all clear vision in 2020
💖🙏
Doctor Ramani is so insightful and so fine.
Brilliant and beautiful
There is no women out there that is producing anything of value that doesn't get her looks dragged into it. Men have to bring up the looks of a women to remind us we are here to please them. Dear God it's so annoying
How do you know it's men commenting 🤔? Women can appreciate beauty, too. It's a compliment speaking to the soul of a person, not objectification.
😂😂
Yes, she is.
You are a blessing! Finding a therapist who "gets it" is nearly impossible! Please continue the series!
Agreed!
Good luck finding a healthy therapist.
Hurt people DO help people! And learning how to set boundaries turned my empathy into my best asset. Love what you do with this channel--thank you, Dr. Ramani!
To anyone who hasn't read Dr Ramani's books on Narcissism...
1. Should I stay or should I go
2. Don't you know who I am
I swear these two books changed my life for the better! They are so healing and informative. I finally broke through the pain and confusion I had carried my whole life.
PS I listened to the audiobook because my ADHD doesn't allow me to read for a long time.
I promise you won't regret it. Life.changing. !!!
Are they available on amazon?
@@delphinenyirahabimanam.d.8510 Yes, and they're under $20
What is ADHD my friend ?
Thank you much for sharing, just today was thinking about buying "Should I stay or should I go" even after many hours of videos, and I see your comment :)
What's the name of her book?
I constantly feel empathy for my ex. But I look at where would my life be if I was still married to him and I know I would not want that life.
I still pray for mine to become a better person
Dr. Ramani... When you said “for those of you who have retained your empathy after suffering narcissistic abuse, you are one of my heroes.” This made me want to Burst into tears. Just that simple validation after such a long road of devastation and pain …was healing. Thank you.
Yes, her words surprised me. I think this will help me heal as well. I could return to the relationship any time I want. However, there is no way that I can because I quickly remember the 40 years of hell that escalated horribly the last 8 years.
"By staying, you don't need to deal with the guilt and the negative emotions of leaving".... that one sentance just summed up some of our lives and explains so much. Thank-you so much Dr Ramani x
I have empathy for them because they tend to self sabotage themselves and hit rockbottom. So i tend to be empathetic with their sores and it s only human.
I like that saying "Just because you lost me as a friend doesn't mean you gained me as an enemy. I'm bigger than that , I still wanna see you eat , just not at my table"
It took me till I was in my 50s to realize exactly what the problem of yelling and screaming calling name's the abuse I took from my father, I could feel somthing wasn't right. Now I truly understand how much my Mother went through. She stayed so meny year's, she's 81 now and Dad just turned 80. She felt so much guilt staying and leaving. They are finally apart.But I feel the empathy for him and I cry Somtimes to learn what my mom and Dad went through. The way they treated us. I don't see eather of them now, my Mother lives with my older sister and her husband who judge me based on me still wanting to talk with my narcissist Dad..Thank you Doctor Ramani,for your wisdom. It's okay to have Empathy for both my parents. I just share it with God now and not them. I think that's best for me and my mental health.
When my ex-wife described to me the intimate details of her molestation at age 9, I felt so bad for her and suddenly felt like it was okay if she treated me disrespectfully. Now I know better. It's not okay.
Empathy is what keeps you stuck in a hopeless situation you cannot “fix” them. They are responsible for themselves. Setting a hard boundary can make you feel heartless or guilty because you see their pain. Look in the mirror and see your own pain and then walk away. Do not feel guilty because you are having compassion for yourself.
That is such wise advice!! I see my Narc Mom's pain and want to help help her, but it's akin to helping a snake that's wounded yet has venom...if you come too close and it will bite you once you recover!
N B you did not cause her pain and trying to”fix” it will only cause you more. Controlling where, when and for how long you see heris something you can and should do for your own mental health. No matter what you do it is sad. 😥
@@carolbearce5318 I see and feel bad about her pain because at the end of the day, she's my mother, and even though she's a cruel Narc to me, when she is lonely and hurting (hurt emotionally by others or suffering from her many physical ailments), I wish things would work better for her.
N B Before he died I made peace with my father by having a conversation about when we were younger... we learned a lot about each other. Of course he denied remembering anything that did not make him look good. I never discussed those things again. When we spoke on the phone I kept things positive and could spend 1-2 weeks a year with him and then needed recovery from the anxiety and rages. I also was married to a man with NPD and suffer from c PTSD survival meant that I end such a destructive relationship. Doing the work to understand myself and being able to express myself in healthy ways has made all the difference. It is still sad for everyone’s pain. Wishing you all the best on your journey.
@@carolbearce5318 Thank you for sharing, and thank you for wishing me the best. I appreciate that.
When the power-dress was put away in the cupboard, he literally changed physically - his face softened, his smile seemed sincere and he looked like a lost soul. I feel empathy for that little boy in the man who endured a very traumatic childhood so different to my own and my children’s. I’ve been no contact for 3 months, ignore any form of communication I receive from him and am feeling better than before I met him. It has taken a huge amount of effort and work on myself but I am out the other side - wiser, kinder to myself and empowered 💫🌻
I am so grateful to Dr Ramani for her wisdom, insight, support and inspiration to keep moving forward 💗
What you said about enablers towards the end really resonated with me - I’m one of 5 children with a narcissistic mother - they remain in contact whilst I’m practising grey rock/detachment with love (via Al-Anon as she’s also an alcoholic) and they just don’t get it. That is quite hard and isolating at times. Have saved this video to rewatch with my husband. Thank-you
If everyone went NC with a narc, the narc would end up completely alone, and maybe, just maybe they would change, because it's either that or a whole lifetime of complete loneliness.
By people staying with them it just means that the narcs will continue to abuse.
I needed this today. I'm feeling so heavy hearted stressed and depressed. I've stopped interacting much with my mother but we're in the same house. Feeling so low i have to force myself out of bed.
Sounds like you could be clinically depressed. You might need professional help. I suffer from clinical depression and knows what it feels like to force myself out of bed. Also know how a narc can drive you into depression. Lots of therapy and even meds keep me afloat. So there is hope. But living with a narcissist is really really tuff. There are professionals out there that understands. Hope you find/ have one and that you get to resolve your situation. My heart goes out to you …
@@arnolddebeer3506 thank you so much for your advice. Yes my mother is a narcissist. I have been looking for a therapist. Im just stuck due to corona.
Sending ❤️🤗
@@Rain9Quinn ❤💋😊
Therapists all do teletherapy these days but its REALLY hard to find one available, let alone qualified. So much anxiety these days...
This is the validation that many are looking for. Thank you for "getting it" Dr. Ramani. Your words are gold.
Empathy for my narcissists stopped. Yet empathy never stops for others.
I’m DONE with being Anyone’s “punching bag!” There are only so many hours in a day, weeks in a month and months in a year!” Just run as fast as you can- it can only get better!
It's amazing that Dr. Ramani used the term "emotional punching bag". Apparently, many survivors of narcissistic abuse have thought of this term, or else when they hear it, it is a perfect description. Because I had already thought of this exact term on my own decades ago, when I was around 17 years old in regard to how my mother treated me and others. I will be 50 soon, and all of these years it is a term that still fits with the type of abuse.
👏👏👏
Exactly!! Done done done!
Notice how u leave somone else is there punching bag
@@danielkaiser8971 my wife used me as a physical punching bag lol
Wow that narcissistic mother that said “ empathy is for losers” is far more honest then any narc I dealt with.
The coverts in my life guilt trip me into feeling empathy for them, even though my sane mind warns me against it. The F.O.G. does lead me down the empathy rabbit hole. Nobody should have empathy towards narcissists- in particular the repeat offenders/the ones who have no genuine intention of working on themselves.
How do you tell they have no genuine intention of working on themselves? I really need to know in order to know when to quit trying to help someone.
2:36 Thank You Dr. Romani! That touched my soul! Some of us needed to hear that.
BTW you're one of my heroes too ❤
I'm so glad your continuing this series. Its such an important topic that hasn't been addressed enough. Have a great day Dr Ramani and everyone reading this.
@Black Weirdo Thanks u2
Good Lord...I need a hug and a good cry after this.
Empathy as a sucker bet has been part of the mid-Atlantic states since before my childhood, as I grew up 2 hours away from NYC, and the prevailing culture mocked me for honesty and emotional availability. I could not socially succeed until I masked as a heartless person. Then I had to unlearn that -- not to difficult, but knowing when to mask and when not to was the biggest challenge. I think the main ingredient in the recipe of pressure is the competition for business in NYC. I think some areas of the US are hotbeds of narcissistic behaviour and other areas support the development of empathy. There are mini-cultures throughout the US, as I discovered in my travels.
Oh Lordy, you mean Colorado isn't the worst? I live in a republican, right-wing, rich, religiously zealous area in southern CO and the people are so damn mean and self-centered. Hypocrites. Hateful and bullying to anyone who doesn't follow their thought patterns, especially the poor, sick, and disabled.
Kim Slone, I found your original comment fascinating. Most of my relatives have always lived in the south-central USA but my niece (and immediate family) moved to NYC a couple years ago. She and I have remained in contact by email and phone, and she has reported exactly the same things as you say in your comment! She says it has taken a toll on her because she has to put on a whole different face than she is in private. She has to act tough and heartless sometimes, when it's not who she is. I don't know what to tell her but she has figured out how to adapt, and she finds it refreshing to call home and visit with old friends and certain relatives to feel grounded. It's not devastating to her, she is fine, but it's nothing like she had ever been used to before moving there, which was essentially being the same person at work or in public as she already was at home.
Imogen I agree with you about the SF Bay Area/Silicon Valley. I was born & raised here, traveled all over the country and the world with the military so there are definitely different “flavors” of narcissism & other personality disorders regionally, but, they all share the same core traits. It does seem to be that the SF Bay Area/Silicon Valley has the *highest* concentration of narcissism, NPD, and other personality disorders. My theory is that the SF Bay Area/Silicon Valley is a veritable “melting pot” of personalities from all over the country and the world, add in the unique stresses, the bizarre ‘software engineer’ personality of epic population proportionally in what is really a quite finite geographic area, and you have a microcosm of rampant personality disorders essentially equivalent to a mental hospital with a ‘wing’ for the ‘criminally insane’ roaming free, often under the guise of being a very powerful tech executive.
@@chinookvalley I already left a reply to the original comment about my niece who moved to NYC, and now that I read your comment I am reminded of a high school friend who moved to Colorado (specifically, Colorado Springs) and whose job sometimes takes her south into Durango, and further south into northern New Mexico. She has reported (on her Facebook page) some things very similar to your description of Colorado. She says there is a notable sentiment of right-leaning politics and some of it she finds intolerable.
But she also says west of Colorado Springs is Manitou Springs, nearly the complete opposite, very left-leaning liberal including an entire demographic of people interested in the metaphysical arts. But she says some of these people are just as bad, that is, if you question their beliefs and don't openly demonstrate some form of "anything goes, as long as it's not conservative".
Can you comment on whether any of this is reasonably true?
Agreed😢💕
I kept thinking about Peter Capaldi saying "You're not superior to the people who were cruel to you. You're just a whole bunch of new cruel people" as she described the hurt people hurting other people. And we have to walk away, even as we pity them.
Dr. Ramani...i have been searching for therapy for past 2 months and cant tell you how blessed i feel coming across your channel. past week my mental health has been so much better just watching your videos. all the answers i have been looking for has been answered on your channel. you literally saved a life. thank you so much.
I do feel empathy towards them. That's why I had to go no contact...a narcissist who knows you have empathy towards them is a dangerous person. Thank you for this video.
It makes me feel like a sucker often because he takes advantage of it.
I can relate
Keep your energy for yourself, put your foot down or else what? A better life awaits? He's so self-absorbed he'll barely notice. I did so so much, never worked so friggin hard in my life, still I was a slacker, still I should kiss his ass. He's funny; our daughter's friend's boyfriend said "Go pick out an engagement ring 💍!" Hubby snided at that but we knew it was because the fiancee wanted her friend to choose something she'd like! Ha, I said later, "Where was your ring?" (Mine are still in the mines) "Weren't sure I'd say yes? It's ok, I don't need reminding!". Turn the tables, you're no good to anyone dead, mine doesn't want a divorce, nor do I, we both know we're well off and we'd have less adult kids in our lives but honestly they just like to criticize and we're the easiest targets! A guy bud said to me years back "So you stick up for yourself!" Is that what I was doing, how is playing hard ball fun or romantic? It's not! He's the weak one sugar, needing to demean you to feel good about himself, imagine that, they're all textbook, show him who he's screwing with, that he chose the wrong person to take advantage of!
"Forgive & Forget" does NOT mean you acquire "Abuse Amnesia" so they can continue to abuse you. Forgive yourself for ever tolerating it. Move on without them. You need to work through the justifiable anger. Then try to forget & have the happy life you deserve.
@Kenneth Faulk- Thanks. But I can't take the credit. I'm paraphrasing from research & videos like this that helped me to understand & cope. So I pass it on.....
Go grey rock. You can do this
I feel soooooo soooooo sorry for him. I still feel like I SHOULD help him! He has NO ONE! Had I seen ANY improvement I probably would have stayed and helped him to my detriment. I fully care about HIS FEELINGS. I don't want to, but I do.
I feel you’re making these videos just for me; that’s when you know the subjects truly touch us. THANK YOU.
I gave/sacrificed myself trying to help him....it affected my health/finances/self worth. However, as I learned about about NPD it finally ALL made sense to me. And I would SEE ALL the marc's behavior in REAL time. I forgive myself for trying to "help" him....for he NEVER will take accountability/responsibility for ANYTHING!!!
This I painfully learned as I repeatedly took those hoovers....but NO MORE!!!
I made No Contact the beginning of MY healing/surviving journey.
The lesson that I HAD to learn to survive is that it is NOT my responsibility to rescue this narc from his childhood/environment.
Thank you Dr. Ramani for honest videos like these to help those make sense of it all; but more importantly to help us heal in a healthy manner.
I've went no contact from all the toxic people in my life and I try to keep new ones at a distance. The healing and recovery has it's own challenges in itself. This video has connected some pivotal dots for me. Your other video's benefited my healing greatly as well! Thank you, Dr. Ramani! Many blessings to you! 💗
I've been commenting on a lot of videos already, but I have to thank Dr Ramani again.
I mean, this video brought me to tears.
I have been feeling such a guilt lately, for distancing myself from a narcissist in my life, when in fact I was just finally standing for myself, and setting boundaries, but I see myself as a "bad person" - I feel like I am just yet another person who's hurting a narcissist, and yes God, he has been hurt, by so many people and I feel like he just got so used to it,
he now justify his abusers, moreso, he won't admit there is any abnormality in the way people treat him.
Even so, I came to realize, it is not my problem. I am learning how to live with this sense of guilt, and to really step back and admit to myself, I have lost my true self in this ambyss of his. No more!
Nope. Absolutely no empathy left but I have a lot for other people and pets. Thanks Dr. Ramini! ♥️
„If you decide to stay in this relationship, thats on you.“ ... key sentence for me. Me still being in contact is mainly due to the fact that i am the only child of a single narc parent now disabled after a stroke. But however tragic the situation is of having to care for them, this has been my chance to work through the relationship, realize that they have always been narcissistic and begin to heal with the help of this channel, all the amazing people in the comments and therapy. I am still finding myself and learning to differentiate between my own pain and the pain that my narc parent has imprinted upon me. But i walking the path one tiny step at a time. And i do have a lot of empathy for them. But i am slowly learning to realize that i deserve empathy too. And also i have the right to decide that i cannot go no contact yet, but not for them, for myself.
Learning to set proper boundaries is one of the most important lessons in life, along with learning to learn/to start doing something even when you're unsure how to start.
Dr. Ramani you bring it 110% every single time. Thank you for ministering, teaching truth, helping us look at reality versus what we so hoped and wanted the relationship to be.
I am healing because of you.
Now I understand why my N mom told me that I needed to “how to work” my dad to get what I wanted. I thought doing such a thing was so dishonest.
I have ceased to have empathy for my narcissist because I've realised how ungrateful she is !!
I am very sensitive and empathic and grew up in the most cruel abusive family of sociopaths and narcissists. Healing from all their damage. I often wonder why and what my purpose is here. I'm sure it has something to do with my empathy and love for children, animals and nature. I meet narcs almost everywhere I go and these people get what they want, are in positions of power and step all over others. I can easily spot them now. Our world is very broken. I hope God can use me and my pain to help and love others. I hope some good can come from that. But I am not weak and will never allow a narc to abuse me again. No is my favorite word.
I love children, animals (though HATE REPTILES) and nature. I love your statement, "No is my favorite word." May the Lord help us use our pain to help others.
When Dr. Ramani said to the people that still have empathy despite going through narcissistic abuse, you are my hero... I legit almost cried
I have empathy, very strong empathy. It took me years and years to figure out that I needed to be VERY mindful of those things I was feeling that were truly my own feelings, and what I was internalizing from others. Then it took a few more to figure out how to separate those feeling of empathy from my own feelings.
Generally, I will meditate. When I find myself in that peaceful place, I try to examine those feelings individually, keeping those emotions that are authentically my own, and visualizing throwing out of those feelings I am having that are how I imagine others are feeling. This has been tremendously helpful for me to separate the feelings, which helps me a great deal in removing some of that emotional burden that makes decision making in my interactions with the narcissist a bit more clear headed.
I wanted to give those narcissists the very thing they refuse to give me, and then foolishly was hurt when they could not live up to the same standards. I just never want anyone.. even people I don't like, to feel discarded, unloved and disposable.. but in the process, I was letting myself be negated. Thank you for the validation.. maybe I can stop beating myself up for feeling such intense empathy for those who abuse me in the first place and let that go to focus better on how I deal with that empathy within myself.
Have you dealt with conversational narcissists before: people who bring the focus back to themselves because they want to be heard and validated yet take very little interest in how you feel and whats happening on your end. Basically exploiting your empathy in a sense, your willingness to listen, empathize and validate?
@@jay-s9y1c To be honest, I myself have those tendencies in person.. a little less obvious in text. While I am very open to the idea of a personality disorder for myself, realistically that line of thought rarely pans out (for which I am grateful though still wary). So my first response is "yeah.. I am guilty of that myself"
BUT, thinking on it, yes, I hae experienced this on the other side too (which helped me start fixing my own mess lol). A chat starting about one thing turns into a session of dealing with some issue the narcissist has. Thing is.. even though I used to take it as an honest attempt at some self examination, what they wanted was received as soon as I let that be the topic of discussion, with the original topic (regardless of importance) is mostly forgotten.. even by me! I had to put my foot down and say "Look, you need a professional, I am not a professional and frankly, have zero motivation to want to help since they were using it to avoid a specific topic with a little supply thrown in for good measure.
It may have taken me far too long to learn, but I CAN be taught. ;)
I think total trust in any relationship is overpriced as i ended up hating myself for ever believing my ex-husband. When my ex-husband started getting home late, I would ask and he'd say something came up at work. When i couldn't take any more of his lies, I decided it was time i get to know what was really going on. On the recommendation of a friend, I contacted this great ethical hacker (cyberhackingsage@gmail) who cloned his cellphone without physically touching the device and as a result, I was able to access his social media accounts, GPS Location, iMessage, call logs and text messages (both recent and deleted) through a remote decryption link sent to me. I discovered he is a liar who is having a secret affair with his secretary and that he has been using money from our joint account to finance the affair. Thanks to cyberhackingsage, I was able to file for divorce with lots of evidence against him. If you're ever in doubt or you need that extra bit of closure, I recommend you send a mail to cyberhackingsage@gmail or text and WhatsApp them at +15713758467. I hope you find peace of mind just like me after I discovered the truth.
Michelle, what you said is very helpful, thank you!
There are VERY few people in the world who haven't experienced childhood trauma, so that is NEVER an excuse for narcissistic behavior. Narcissistic behavior is a CHOICE. It is CHOOSING not to take responsibility for your own actions.
My mind and what the good book has taught me, teaches me I should be kind, patient, mild, forgiving, putting up with one another, have tender compassion, love, peace, humility, considering others superior to you.
I believe I can attain this with help from above. Within my heart, it is a constant battle.
Another great chat, thank you.
I passed a test... my youngest thought I should speak to his father the n because my eldest was hospitalized. I said no. Never again do I desire to see his face or speak to him under any circumstances. Period. They are both grown and I will not let anything suck me back into the abyss. Divorced in 2012 I have stayed single to appease the n on behalf of our children so that he would not drag them into his hatefulness, to maintain peace among all. Enough is enough. I will not even ask how he is doing to anyone associated with him. I have emotionally detached myself from hell and refuse to return in any way shape or form. I found his egotistical, entitled ways most distasteful and ugly and it made the ugly come out in me in ways I never thought possible. My grown children will adjust to their new and improved mom eventually. My empathy for him died in April. I’ll stick with feeling sorry for him from afar.
Dr Ramani, thank you from the bottom of my heart! ❤ I have been married to a covert narcissist for 21 years, and dated him for 5 years before. We were not quite 16, when we started dating. I still have extreme empathy for him, but also intense anger, as I'm realizing how much pain he has caused our children and me. Just went to the police station, this morning, for information on a restraining order. This is terrifying, but necessary. Speaking with my teenage kiddos, yesterday, forced me to face reality. They are hurting terribly, but afraid of separation from either my husband or I. Just as I have been afraid to leave my husband. A few weeks ago, I told my husband that things are not working out. This was following a long email from our counselor, basically saying how wonderful my husband is, and that I have an unreasonable vendetta against him. I feel betrayed, at a deeper level than I knew was possible. I'm going to have trouble trusting another therapist. A neurologist has referred me to a psychiatrist and a psychologist, because she believes that my uncontrollable muscle movements are psychologically based. It feels like I have been in crisis for years, but I haven't been able to trust my husband to care for our kids, while I get help for myself. My kids desperately need help too, but they are afraid to talk to a counselor. Thank you so much for the work that you do! ❤
I'm so sorry you had that experience with your therapist. Apparently it's not uncommon for narcs to outsmart even therapists, and turn them into flying monkeys and against you. Find a better therapist who is properly trained in abuse, but never ever doubt yourself. If you feel it's over, no matter what the reason, you have a right to end a relationship thst is not working for you, or for your children. You will find the way to care for them, and stay safe. Step by step
19:17 ...'sometimes, hurt people HELP people'. Thank you Dr. Ramani.❤
I love listening to u Dr. R. Ur real. I am learning to feel compassion without gettng emotionally involved.
I am glad you repeat yourself. I need reassurance. It is nice to hear it again.
I agree with your points of view." Love your neighbor as yourself" Do you notice how important yourself is in this statement?
Dr. Ramani, it’s like you took a page out of my brain and read it out loud to me. I DO feel empathy and compassion for my narcissist. When he would devalue and rage, I started telling him that I know he’s not as angry at me as he thought and that I knew this was his unaddressed and neglected childhood wounds adding to his frustration. I didn’t realize how often I said that compassionately and patiently until after I left the relationship and he contacted me and started the cycle all over again…in his rage he told me, “and don’t say it anymore. Don’t tell me how I’m not as angry with you as I think I am. This isn’t my unaddressed childhood trauma and abuse. I’m sick of hearing that. I don’t care about the past.” And then he threatened suicide which I calmly checked on by phone to make sure he wasn’t serious (and he wasn’t), and then he laughed at my checking on him and discarded me yet again.
And I am okay with this bc as my wise teenage child told me recently…toxic people are like bullets in a gunshot wound. You can’t heal the gunshot wound while the bullet is still in your body. Your narcissist is the bullet. You must get rid of the bullet to heal.
And so, I pray. I ask God to help him heal and to help him in ways that I can’t and will not able to. And simultaneously, I’m taking the time to heal me before I even think about another romantic relationship. And this new focus on my own health and well-being and my child’s is empowering. Some days I feel guilty but that fades as I see him in the community and I know he’s doing well.
Thank you for addressing this topic. I didn’t even know anyone else would feel like I do. This will help me remind myself that I am not the chosen whipping boy for the wounds I didn’t ever cause him or even know him when they were created.
“… toxic people are like bullets in a gunshot wound. You can’t heal the gunshot wound until you get get rid of the bullet. You must get rid of the bullet to heal.”
~a very wise grandson
@@gailcapshaw397 thank you so much. She really is. Even as a little little girl she seemed wiser than me. I’ve always admired her gifted wisdom and her ability to express it so eloquently to me. I’m so grateful for her. ❤️
Thank you Dr. Ramani, I have NEVER been called a hero, this brought tears 😢 I've often thought that I should trun it off, but that just it goes against me. Even after all the things he has done to me, I have absolutely no hate in me and truly wish the best for him, knowing it goes against their self sabotaging ways. I struggle so much with setting boundaries and saying no with out feeling extreme guilt, I'm learning how to do it and trying to release the struggle within me 💔
As always you are so right! I do feel tremendous compassion for my narc. mother but when I created distance I was finally able to see the people who truly love me. I was always catering to her and putting my husband and children last. She will never change and even though she hates the boundaries I have put in place and even though I feel sorry for her I am now able to keep the focus where it should be. I can't thank you enough Dr. Ramani!
Thank you! I am my narcissistic parents’ primary care giver and I struggle a lot with guilt (it was used to “control” me growing up). I feel so badly for my mom’s situation sometimes, but she still continues to try to hurt me and it angers me. Then I feel guilty. It’s a terrible circle. This video helped me a lot. I know I can find peace of mind, and I will continue working on myself!
The often tragic and traumatic backstories of narcissists is context, NOT an excuse! Guess who else had lousy childhoods? We did! "Yes, hurt people, hurt people...but sometimes hurt people HELP people." - Dr. Ramani. Thanks for helping all of us, Dr. Ramani!
I honestly thought for a long time I could fix a narc by just ignoring his behaviour and being nice to him. Sometimes I still think that way. Thank you Dr. Ramani for making it clear, it doesn't work that way. I needed to hear that. The issue was/is for me, when my brother showed some compassion I would instantly forgive him and be happy with him. Only to be met with the same anger, jealousy later down the line. I need to learn not to pull my guard down.
Hours of ads pop-up during your videos unlike any other channel I watch. This video had HOURS of ads - that I had to skip through. Love you videos.
I’ve learned to save my empathy for people that have the capacity for empathy. I might have compassion for narcissists but I don’t get caught up in my own emotion. Hard lesson for me to learn. I’m better off for it.
Empathy is never a sucker bet. It's what makes us human and capable of deep connection. Love your work, Dr. Ramani!
You have been my guide in difficult times. Also listening to you makes me want to come out stronger and not pity the narcissist or myself for what happened. I am trying to forgive him and myself and let it go.
This is one of your finest videos, Dr. R. It went right to the core and I cannot thank you enough. (Side note: Dec. will mark one year of no contact, with many more to come.)
Being able to look at their other relationships objectively helped me with my over-empathy problem. So many people had tried to be their friend but quit. Over time, after trying so much to communicate my feelings and get any accountability beyond "I already said sorry, what more do you want?!" -- I had a hard time continuing to rationalize why I hadn't quit too.
I have watched countless videos of yours but this one has to be the most impactful one I’ve seen and the most helpful one to me at my current time since going no contact. I can’t tell you how much I appreciate all your work and guidance on how to deal with such difficult and complex people. Thank you so, so much.
Thank you very much for your help and effort to help us but at the same time i just wanted to let you know that you are such a beautiful lady inside and out 🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰💜💜💜💜💜💜
I think this is one of Dr. Ramani's best videos. She goes into what makes a person a narcissist. They are usually hurt people, people who were hurt in childhood. Having empathy for a person who was hurt is the hallmark of a kind person. It doesn't necessarily make you a sucker unless you don't ever set boundaries with someone who is abusive.
very well said!
10:07 Self protection is a right. This could be a mantra.
Thanks Dr. Ramani
Thank you for this video! So helpful. Guilt can be powerful. I have to remind myself that making myself feel better by complying to their desires enables them and perpetuations codependency. I have to remember to feel peace from within, not from without. Getting better all the time
So articulate,so insightful.
Love Dr Ramani❤️
"self protection is a right" (10:08). . . "being compassionate with a narcissist doesn't mean sacrificing your life, or throwing yourself under the bus" (16:00). . . "no person should destroy themselves in the process of trying to give (love, warmth and compassion) to another person" (16:20)
I love my mother with every ounce of me but being with her or around her drains me immensely. I try to spend time with her and "relive" the magical moments I made myself believe we had together when I was younger. I leave the encounters silent, numb, lower back pain, and wondering why can't she love me like I love her. Why can't she see me or understand me?
Beautiful message today, Dr. Ramani. For over 30 years, my empathy caused me to hold out hope that the narcissist would change. One day, hate was suddenly spewed at me again, and it was the "straw that broke the camel's back"and my empathy had run bone-dry. Never again would I feel empathy or sympathy for my narcissist; neither do I feel hate. There are other people to care for in the world, and my energy won't be wasted! ❤️
Such a beautiful lady - inside and out.
Enjoying the series, especially the "toughen up" pep talks' sassy attitude.
I came from a sea of narcissists and opened my eyes to the basic fact I have a choice to be in or out of these relationships. I’m empathetic and an optimist by nature. I’ve misused these gifts to enable narcissists ever hopeful they will change while allowing them to suck the life out of me. Leading to me neglecting my own needs and not using that energy to nourish healthy, life giving relationships. I’ve now quit all these relationships starting with my mom this year, deciding “alone was better than toxic”. Your videos have been such a blessing to me, I watch them almost daily to reform my thinking to push away the narcissists rather then draw in. Your helping me to love me and others more effectively. I’m now no longer an active supporter of narcissists. Needed this message today that guilt in breaking off the relationships is normal. Thanks so much, what you all do matters!
I was a young girl when I realized that my mother didn't care about me.
This is vitally important to hear in dealing with a narc adult child. Nothing is so easily manipulated like a mothers unconditional love.
When your narcissist tells you "You could have shown me empathy" early on in the relationship to set the tone to ensure empathy for his own supply...
I left my narcissist husband of 20 years a month ago and it feels good. I still talk to him and I treat him with respect but the minute he starts gaslighting and all the other stuff they do it’s time to go the conversation is over and I move on until another time. I cannot treat him bad or expose him even if I tried it’s just not who I am. I’m not angry with him or wish him bad I love him from far away and the ability to do that has set me free.
I'm working through my narcissistic abuse since the end of 2019. I've always suspected there was something like that but it was not until my 35th year that I saw it clearly: my mom is indeed a covert narcissist and I've been emotionally abused by her all my life. I have been co-dependant for most of my life. Since then I've been working on becoming a good parent for my inner child, feeling for myself and creating boundaries. I'm practicing speaking my truth, listening to my authentic self and freeing myself from old and negative beliefs about myself and others. Still I can't stop loving my mom. I do not want to go no contact. I sometimes still call her in hope that she will understand and comfort me, although I know in advance that I'll probably get disappointed. I do not feel guilty as much as I used to but I get sad, just so sad. There are waves of sadness crushing over me and then ebbing away. I haven't cried this much for years. I'm telling myself this is part of the process but, honestly, I'm wondering if this will pass one day and I'll actually feel free.
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Dr. Ramani, I LOVE your videos. 99% of therapists know NOTHING about the devastating effects of narcissistic abuse, I have wasted most of my life either educating them or being re-traumatized by them. So it's been very comforting to hear someone who understands what we empaths went through. My sadistic, evil mother made life a living HELL for 50 years - until her death. I thought her death would kill me too - to my suprise, my health improved instantly and dramatically. These people will drive you into crippling disabilities or suicide if you let them. And there was never anyone to help me. Even after her death, I was a walking zombie, in a numb, dissociation or living with horrific flashbacks from C-PTSD. Without 1,000's more of trained therapists, who are few and far between - we will never recover. Never. And the potential of what we might have become can never be realized. Narcissists should be charged with hate crimes, because they abuse is nothing short of soul murdering. Please continue to give survivors the support they need in leaving these people and not listening to enablers who refuse to hear just how bad this is. This is not a bit of bullying and insensitive behavior - this is a systematic attempt of the narc to intentionally and deliberately break and DESTROY another person.
(On another note, girlfriend-to-girlfriend: I have been a fan of yours for years, seeing you on tv in the past too. On your youtube videos though, I noticed on some of your videos it looked as if you were losing hair around your hairline. Then other videos, revealed you'd had your roots touched up. Ah-ha! I used to have the same problem. And the only product that worked for me - making me look like I had no grey at all, so that my hairline didn't make me look like it had disappeared or dramatically receded was Color & Lift Root Color Powder with Thickening Fibers by TruHair. It looks so natural and stays in until you wash your hair again. You are such a beauty. And I thought to myself, if you hadn't heard of it - you might love it too. It only takes 10 seconds to apply to the roots that have turned grey and you look as lovely and polished as when you were in your 20's and didn't need to cover grey roots.) truhair.com/products/color-and-lift-with-thickening-fibers?variant=33713683908¤cy=USD&gclid=Cj0KCQjwwOz6BRCgARIsAKEG4FV26bAilNKMRiTKE_cBD7oZUYIswXmUHDr1eJlcYsrCITEEb8O0lYIaArl8EALw_wcB
Praise the LORD, hurt people help people !!!!! wow, that’s an awesome statement. i wish i could have thought of that. God bless. Agape love ❤️
The moment you are talking about the balance between feeling compassionate & setting boundaries not to be abused by them - this is SO true! I've been thinking about this for several months already. And I told about that in a sincere way. They started therapy, but family rules & boundaries are broken & broken again. I'm frustrated, stuck, don't know how much would I tolerate this and wait for the their healing.
I used to have empathy for the narcissistic I dealt with. Not anymore.
Thank you!
Instant tears in response to your praise for having empathy.
I worked for a narcissistic company that broke me down and rocked my world. I quit my job and I’m facing my childhood. I am navigating this at middle age. I have never had a label for what I was raised with before a couple of weeks ago when I saw one of your videos.
This has been so eye opening for me.
I grew up gray rocking and then as an adult wanted to be more authentic. Wow, what a mistake. Over and over opening myself up to harm.
Wow!! I was operating without a rule book and the very things that worked in other areas of my personal life to be more healthy caused destruction in this other corner of my life.
I simply can’t show enough love to fix this. I can’t work hard enough or accomplish enough to fix this! I have literally burned up all of my strength to try to fix this.
My husband and family that I raised have always seen me as a powerhouse of courage and strength. I have battled my demons along the way and done my best to shed learned behaviors. I’ve made a lot of mistakes, but I know how to say I’m sorry and I try really hard to be a good Mom and Wife.
Every day I take the lid off of little things that I am encountering. I’m self analyzing. And I’m working towards healing little parts of me.
I do feel empathy, but it’s high time I really protect myself. I have allowed myself to be hurt.
I can’t do it anymore. It has put me through the shredder. It’s not going to be better. I am amazed by how far this has broken me down. I’ve lost my confidence in myself as a bread winner and worse yet I don’t have the patience I one did after facing the gaslighting in my job every day. When it was compartmentalized and infrequent I managed.
You are so fantastic! I’m so glad I came across you ! ❤️
Thank you Dr Ramani, for being there, and taking your time to help better explain narcissism to us. You are an amazing woman, and I appreciate your time!
I feel like you're answering me directly Dr Ramani 😀
This is the problem I have and why I gave my last guy too many chances. Deep down I thought the fact they had become a narcissist, wasn't their fault. Children are the innocents here and having childhood trauma like for example, a Parent leaving completely out of the blue, can make you develop different patterns and behaviours.
I know that the reason they are a Narcissist is not my fault- although you do question yourself an awful lot.
Teri Persson It’s absolutely NOT your fault that that guy is a narcissist. He was that way before you met him. And, as Dr. Ramani says in this video, lots of people have traumatic childhoods and don’t become narcissists. It may not have been his fault, but it’s now his responsibility.
Been devalued, taken advantage of,lied to, used for money, blamed for things, screamed at..... its like listening to my life when I watch this video.