They say music is the last thing you remember when suffering from dementia. So if I get dementia and this is the only album I remember I'm going to be pissed.
It won't happen if you make sure to be miserable the whole way long. Just wall to wall of letting it all go as your frustration on not doing anything to feel alive leads you to nowhere.
This is incredibly hard for me to write. 3 years ago I listened to this album as an outside observer. I had never had any personal experience with dementia, and decided to listen to the album out of curiosity. But, that changed. 2 years ago my great grandma got sick. Deathly ill. They brought her to the hospital and held her for weeks. Her condition was somewhat stable, but she was very ill and the doctors hardly got any results. One day, a doctor made the idiotic decision to give her a medicine meant to make drug addicts calm down. From that moment she was confused. She was hardly lucid anymore, her condition was worsening rapidly. What started as a sickness lead to a severe mental block. But soon thanksgiving rolled around and she just... decided to get better! She was lucid again, she could walk and talk and her sickness cleared up. She was allowed to come home for thanksgiving, and helped cook dinner. She started living with her daughter, my grandma, but she was back to normal. We thought that was it. However, this recovery was not permanent, and she soon started to deteriorate again... She would start to get confused.. She became weaker, and would need help with basic actions like walking. She still remembered her family. She still remembered me. Over the course of 2023 and 2024 mamaws dementia made itself known. Early this year she had to be put into a nursing home because grandma just couldn't take care of her on her own anymore. She slowly became more confused. But I was living my own life, and wasn't around her very often at this point. I would visit on occasion, but the travel distance made it hard to see her. My mom would take me to go visit her every so often, and she would still remember me. During the summer in 2024, I made my last few visits with her. She kept calling me by my uncles name, but I was used to that because she had always called me by his name for my whole life. The next time I came to visit however, broke me. I was there with my parents and my grandma to see her. We were telling stories, and then she starts talking about me. This moment is incredibly difficult to put into text, and the deep pain it caused me is indescribable. She tells us about how she was babysitting me as a baby just recently. My family say that I'm not a baby and point to me, who is almost an adult. This confuses her, and she can't comprehend the fact that I am grown. She doesn't know who I am. She still loves me but has no idea who I actually am. This woman, my great grandma, who helped raise me from the day I was born, was always there for me, and who I have always loved and have always had in my life. From my earliest memories. She didn't know who I was anymore. And at this very moment I finally faced reality. Her dementia was real. I lost my great grandma in that moment. The pain was unbearable, the horror was unbearable, it was incomprehensible, I couldn't handle it. We went to her home and helped move out all her old furniture. This was also deeply painful. Her home emptied, this one place I've known my whole life, thats stayed the same since my very earliest childhood, emptied. She was going to die. I couldn't bear visiting her anymore because the pain was too great. I abandoned her in her final days because I personally couldn't handle the pain and I deeply regret not being there for her. Just 3 weeks ago, this december, 2024, 3 weeks before christmas, during the lead up to my semester finals, I got the news. She died. I was mourning her before he even died and yet I still could never have been prepared for this moment. She's gone. I miss my mamaw. Why did it have to be this way. I am in mourning. My december this year has been nothing but pain. My perspective on this album has changed dramatically. I weep while listening to it. One week ago we had the funeral. I miss her more than you could ever know. Merry Christmas, I hope yours was better than mine. 12/25/24
Merry christmas... You know, most of the stuff that you mentioned here aligns well with the situation between my grandma and the rest of the family. She is still in the early stages, i think.. but i am actually starting to get worried because it's getting worse. Before all of this, she got in a pretty severe accident that had lead to an operation being made on her, and the anesthesia got her to this point. It makes me infuriated and disappointed that i can't do anything but experience how her mind decays. What makes it worse is that i am still right in this house with her, and i've felt this sensation from her that she just doesn't see me as a family member anymore. I was raised by her, i tried and got close to her in every second that i could. Now i get to see how she forgets about it all. She also started acting childish 2 years ago, which really got on my nerve. She starts parroting, she constantly puts herself on danger for curiosity's sake, and she gets incredibly upset over the smallest things in the world. I just need help to handle this situation correctly, because now i am confused and scared. I don't wanna lose her, even though i will, i just don't want to. I barely got in my teen years and i don't want to see her fade away from the world..
If you'd like to, volunteer at an old folks' home, or just chat with an elder if you can. Odds are with a life as long as they have lived, they'll have plenty of wild stories they'd love to share, and in turn you can pass those on too.
That's one of the most stunning quotes I've ever heard. I've never been more terrified for the journey that is ageing than I am now, having just turned 25, my brain set. I'm now off to learn everything on my own terms. One day, everything I learned, all the science stuff I dedicated my hours to over and above my homework for some cause I felt more important than anything, will suddenly evaporate. Or... slowly, slowly begin to untangle into senseless nothingness.
@ Strange isn't it? I remember my grandmother's brother, who had quite advanced dementia; on the night of my grandmother's passing, told his caretaker another relative, that he saw his sister and that she was well. Moments later, back to his usual self as if nothing was said. A strange occurrence for me at the time, a young boy of 10 maybe. The lines between life and death, lucidity and composure all seemed to blur together. Perhaps he wasn't an addled old mind, perhaps he did indeed see his sister as she left this earth . Our minds are so much more powerful than we know, which is why I fear we know so little about combating diseases like dementia. I must admit, I am both fascinated and horrified by such diseases. Thank you for your comment.
Feel that. My father had a Stroke in December. A few weeks back I asked him if he was OK, as I usually do, he said good though he would forget things from time to time. I don't know if its dementia or not, but im terrefied right now. Writing that down is comforting but next time I'll see him the thought will hit again, as it did all the times since he said it. Thanks, if you took the time reading this. Stay Strong and keep your head up :)
My grandma has schizofrenia and bipolar disorder, and my grandpa cardiac diseases, he's half deaf and has alzheimer It really sucks dude... And they aren't even my direct parents
One day my mom called me and said "I must be going mad, I can't find my favorite channel on the TV". Nothing big, it happened pretty often, channels change numbers, getting replaced by other channels, the auto search could mess up the order, and so on. I took the TV remote and entered the number of her favorite news channel. It was there, nothing had changed. I looked at my mom and saw terror on her face, she pointed at the TV remote and said "You switch channels with this thing? I was trying to do it by this" and showed me her phone. That was the beginning.
@ I don’t think you need it, it’s a typical story about progressing illness which stars suddenly and makes someone a shallow husk, a shadow of previous self.
@@deadlytoxicwaste NGL I was in terrible condition because her last years were combined with a Russian invasion, so I had to deal with that also. Dragging her all the way down into the shelter, explaining to her why we were there and not in a warm apartment. The power outage made everything worse, dragging her way back to the 10-th floor was not an easy task. In the end, her cancer decided to come back, and we both got coronavirus. And not ending siren on the street. After she died I had to spend a lot of time and money on therapy.
My great grandpa forgot who my mom and sister were. But he remembered me. Laying in the hospital bed. “How’s ol Carson” I was only 7 and I didn’t realize I was his only person. The only person that was left in his world.
This feels like when your reading but you keep accidently rereading the same paragraph. But you keep doing it until you cant understand the words anymore.
From looking into dimensia it seems as though that is exactly what it is like. The familiar becomes unfamiliar and what might seem like reality is uncertain to you
I once volunteered at a retirement home and met the sweetest elderly lady. She had completely forgotten her husband, but he still came around now and then to keep her company. Despite her memory loss, she was still deeply in love with him. One day, after he left, she looked at me with such a gleam in her eye and said, "I think I have the biggest crush on him, he’s just so handsome. Do you think he’ll come by again?" It was simultaneously the sweetest and most depressing thing I've witnessed to date.
I used to read to a man who had Alzheimer’s when I was younger. Read for him for about a year and a half until he passed away. At first he just confused me for his nephew and asked me why I had skipped some parts which I had read to him on previous weeks. After that he would forget about me entirely, so I had to introduce myself every time I went, just for him to think I was his nephew a few minutes later. This went on for a while, with him starting to speak less and just closing his eyes and holding my hand as I read. At one point his wife went to visit him as I was going and he only recognized me, (as his nephew) which made me really sad. Later on, he wouldn’t even speak, as he had forgotten how. Every time I would leave he would look at me with such a sad look, with half dead eyes, as if longing for something. He always held my hand as I read, always looked at me as I left. That look he had still gives me chills to this day. It’s honestly both one of the best and most terrifying experiences I’ve had in my life, and being the person who interacted with him the most, (aside from the nurses) I grew attached to him to the point where I would look forward to going to read to him. His death really hit me hard, but I can’t imagine what his wife went through, from being the most important person in his life to being forgotten completely. Now I’ve gotta say if you’ve read all of this then I admire and thank you for reading some of my old memories kind stranger.
No problem. Did he have the same few minutes of clarity at the end? I heard that once their time is up a few minutes beforehand they have their Alzheimer’s just disappear then finally rest.
this is what happens with my uncle, and i feel so bad for him.. he even asks my aunt who she is and when she says they have been married for 30 years he gets so happy and he says "really? thats mind boggling.." and he smiles so wide, but even though re-knowing makes him happy, i cant help but feel so sad for him..
I'd argue that that would actually make it not as bad.. imagine remembering that you need to remember but not being able to, the frustration that would come with that. Not remembering that you need to remember somehow seems more peaceful.
@@karlchilds8421 That's the thing. You no longer even feel the need to get back that piece of yourself that you lost. It's an empty bliss, which, in my opinion, is the most terrifying thing of all.
@@karlchilds8421 that's IMO the point of the name of the first song in stage 6: "A confusion so thick you forget forgetting". In a sense, the confusion in stage 5 was somewhat of a tiny ledge to hold on to. the realization that something is wrong and that things are not adding up. Stage 6 is just droning. No more realization that you're sick. No more comprehension as to what started confusion in the first place, so you stop being confused. The confusion is so thick that you forget forgetting. And that's the part where all is lost.
Not that anyone will probably end up reading this, but when this first came out years ago I listened and didn’t really have too much real appreciation for it aside from the good things people have said about it, but now that’s changed, my grandma is entering the beginning stages of dementia and is forgetting things quite often, I don’t think she’s yet realized anything’s wrong. It’s hard, but listening to this again is really somber, for a lack of better words, and I have a huge appreciation for this now. As I’m writing this, I’m about to enter stage four of the album. Thank you, very much for reading. UPDATE: As it turns out, she doesn’t have dementia rather the things causing her lapses in memory is her medicine. (Just to explain she’ll have been told something in the afternoon and then forget a few hours later. Constantly flipflopping me and my brother’s name, things of that effect.) Either way, it turned out well, and I thank the 9 people who’ve taken the time to read this so far.
Its unnerving, the most terrifying and heart wrenching thing i’ve ever heard, listening to it makes me pause and think about memories I had long forgotten. It genuinely scares me, there is a feeling I can’t quite place in the pit of my chest, its like my chest is freezing and twisting uncontrolably. Its an unorthodox loop of memories that have come and gone, times I wish I had spent with people that valued my time and being, times I wish I hadn’t cried, all in one song, one stage.
@@lcdream4213 The entire video is about the stages of dementia, the final stage is “without a discription” because at that point, in the final stage, everything that you once knew, anything you could have done or explained, is gone. You don’t recognize anything but a hazy memory that doesn’t seem quite right, so, if you put yourself into the music, and you would go with it, you would see and feel the fear and the feeling of loosing all of your memories. You would forget how to describe simple things, hence, “Post Awareness Stage 6 is without description” In this stage, you can only hear fragments of notes, distant footsteps, and white noise. The picture only emphasizes the emptyness, a blank canvas. The video makes you think, well, it makes me think, and being a good visualizer, it makes it more surreal. I hope this helped
My best friend that I ever had experienced an onset of schizophrenia at 19, and lost his personality and perception of the world almost entirely. He was replaced by somebody else. I remember struggling so hard with it, and panicking and severing connections with him after his family moved him away. The closest way I could describe my feelings of this was to tell people it felt like he died. This was five years ago. Reading your words here today struck something in me and I started crying. I think you captured my thoughts and emotions on this experience perfectly. Cherish the moments with the people that you love. Don't waste time. You don't know how much of it you actually have.
@@trec713 i’m so sorry you had to experience that. i’m sure you must’ve felt extremely horrible. i really hope it gets better for you. i really do. i know i can’t do much through a computer screen, and i may not be able to relate as i’ve never gone through that. things will be ok. stay strong.
My mom told me once that my great grandma had dementia. She said they had to take all the mirrors out of the house because she was scared of the person who was in them.
That. That is true fear. If you cant bear to see the person in your mirror. Then you are getting close to where if you see a simple picture of you... it's just jumbled shapes and parts put together.
yes same with my grandad he would get really frustrated because he thought an old man was following him. i think its mainly because they regress so they think they are younger. it’s terrifying what your own brain can do to you, he would watch tv but he thought that the people were actually there with him like he would tell us about his trips to new york because there was a tv programme about new york ect
i wanted to share a wholesome memory to cheer up the comment section. i lost my great grandpa to alzheimer’s when i was seven years old, and i don’t have many memories of him due to my young age. well im turning 19 soon, and i went to visit family in hawaii (staying with my uncle). he has an older friend, and her husband has dementia. we took him out on a little date. we walked the shops along the coast in kona, he loves live music. the first place we stopped we were unable to get a table, but he wandered around and found some old ladies to dance with which were very kind. we watched him from a distance, not able to get inside the restaurant (he was on the “inside”). anyway, he came back awhile later. and asked me to dance with him. he was so gentle and sweet and kept saying “you’re doing so good honey.” i’d never danced in front of a whole restaurant like that, but it was fun and also a little scary. but it made him so happy i was so grateful i did that. when he’d get sick of the music we’d get up and go to the next restaurant, this continued on. and eventually we took him home at night. he hasn’t progressed super far into his memory loss. but he didn’t remember my uncle who he’s known for many years prior. anyway. i’m so grateful i danced with him. i wasn’t sure how to interact with him at first. but it was sweet. the entire time we were away he kept mentioning his wife and how we wanted to get home to her. i admired his wife. when i looked at him, i saw past that look of seemingly nothing in his gaze. into a man who someone has fallen in love with, who wanted to start a family with him. they both made a commitment to love until death, beyond that. in sickness and in health. and she kept it. all i could think about is how loved that man is.
it’s crazy everyone is talking about how they feel listening to it, it’s only six hours, imagine this strung out across the remaining years of your life
@@pittolikeditto well in a sense time is real. Time is a construct to wrap our brains for a period of it. Time is a length that needs to be overcome by barriers to stay afloat. Hence why nothing is the same length (60sec,60 min, 24 hours) its all just to help us understand the world better in a way that makes sense. The fact that this whole album could be a throwback to the 1930's really puts you in a loop thinking you are also 80+ years old which is the starting signs. If we didn't have those times to calculate we wouldn't understand anything. So even though time itself doesn't exist it exists in relativity.
i always thought id just kill myself if i was the last person alive but now i feel like i would just forget that there was any people ever before i could bring myself to do it
Morgan Kasper He means if your lucky your mind will not fade away until your body dies. With dementia, the mind dies ahead of the body, slowly withering away until nothing. The hope is that your mind won’t go until your body does.
I’ve listened to this since I was in high school, I’m in my PhD now. I’ll never forget watching my grandma pass away, she raised me since birth and played a big role in my life since my parents weren’t very mature, she was the most like a parent to me. She passed when I was 20, a month away from 21, I’m 22 now. I’ll never forget the last two weeks, though she didn’t have dementia but pancreatic cancer, I still witnessed her memory fade in these final two weeks of her life. About a week before she passed she could hardly speak, and I just remember she had her head on my head and we both couldn’t stop crying, because she was like a best friend to me. The reason I ever even became a musician in the first place was because of her. I remember she had told me for years that she wanted to live long enough to see me get married, and the reality that she wouldn’t get to hit both of us quite hard. In the final days when she couldn’t talk, I knew music would be one of the last avenues for me to connect with her. So I took all of my pain and trauma from this experience and wrote a short 1-2 minute symphonic suite on MuseScore 4 where the melody was a Korean lullaby she sang to me growing up. (She grew up born and raised in South Korea around the time of the war) I’ll never forget her making a noise and humming along to the tune of the lullaby, it touched my heart in a way nothing else had before. In her final day, she was twitching a lot, meaning and groaning, I just lied with her. My mother and I had to help her use the toilet by her bed, and that’s when I watched her life leave, as she couldn’t get back on the bed because she was no longer with us. I remember realizing that she might have passed but I wasn’t 100% sure, so I said Ga, (I called her Ga), I said it again more urgently, a couple more times and no response, I lift up her arm and it just flops down, my mom starts screaming and crying, she was gone. What made all of this more difficult was my mom being emotionally abusive during these last two weeks and final days, I know she was lashing out because her mom was passing but this is the same woman who told me to kill myself when I was 15, and the only reason I was there was not for her but because of Ga, the only loving supportive family member I really trusted. It’s 2025, I’m in the U.K. now studying Quantum Computer Music, I know Ga would be proud if she were still around, I’m estranged from both my parents for many reasons, just many inappropriate behaviors that shouldn’t have happened, so I continue on my journey through life, keeping in mind all I have shared above. As painful and detrimental as Ga’s passing was for me, part of me felt relieved knowing she was no longer in pain, and I was just so grateful that I was there. I was so busy like 20+ credit hours I believe that semester in uni, but somehow the day she passed everything cleared up schedule wise, I don’t believe in Christianity anymore since I’m agnostic now but if there is a God, it felt they gifted me that day to be with her. Then as a coping mechanism that same day she passed hours later, I emailed my professors letting them know what happened and that I wouldn’t be in class tomorrow and asked for extensions on my current assignments. One of my assistant instructor’s who was particularly cold didn’t even address her passing and just asked when I would be back in class and could turn in said assignment, I can’t express how upset this made me. Luckily everyone else in my academic/friend circles around me was supportive. Thanks for reading all of this, if anyone does, either way it’s etched into this digital stone. If there are any questions about what I wrote, I feel open to answering them. If you’ve experienced similar to me in various ways, I’m sorry, and I hope you find joy elsewhere in life.
Im sorry for that,i just dont understand why you are agnostic now,but if you dont want to talk about it or even respond to me its fine,i hope everything works out to you Even if you dont believe it,i hope God bless you on your way in this life :)
@ Hello, I have no issue explaining or with you asking! It’s a personal perspective of course, and by no means do I want anything I’m about to say to be considered rude or offensive to those that do follow Christianity but I’ll talk about some of my roadblocks. Most of my departure from faith derived from a lack of believing some of the core beliefs of the Christian faith. Such as, well I do believe Jesus Christ was a real human at some point based on various archaeological evidence (though this is debatable itself), but do I believe that he was resurrected after death or turned water into wine? I know these are popular examples, but it didn’t sit well deep within me to just “have faith” that non-scientific occurrences like these happened. I desperately wanted the narrative of my life to fit both faith and science, and I’m sure it’s not impossible, but I kept noticing contradiction after contradiction and that balance become more and more difficult. For example in my life, almost every Christian I’ve ever talked to hyper-fixate on the New Testament compared to the Old Testament, even when more of the confusing, difficult, and controversial passages were in the writings of the Old Testament, foundational to the beliefs of Christianity. I know it’s natural to question faith, but why is it that I’ve never been to a church that digs into The Book of Judges? That book isn’t fun to talk about, but I perceived many Christians turning away from more controversial and difficult passages for the ones you typically hear about in church. It boiled down to this: In my time as a Quantum Research Scientist, I’ve realized that the “big questions” such as, why are we here, how do we define consciousness, what happens after death, are perhaps some of the most complex and complicated questions philosophically that exist… and I couldn’t help but see Christianity and faith in a broader sense, so religion in general to be a simpler answer to a question that is way more complicated and complex than any of us can grapple. Not to imply religion is simple, it’s not, there are many passages and themes I found enormously complex and intellectually stimulating, but take after death as an example, I have no solid scientific reason to believe that heaven or hell exist. And more often than not, I’ve watched Christians be limited in this life just to justifying behaviors by, oh well Jesus and my family is waiting for me in heaven, but what if Stephen Hawking was right? That death is like a computer shutting off, and we loose all senses and this is it? I don’t mean that to sound bleak, but doesn’t this perspective, a more scientifically based one that fits my belief of agnosticism, give more emphasis to our current living self? As in, if I believe this is truly all we get in life, and once we die it’s all over, I see that as motivation to experience as much of living this life as I can. And sure Christians can tell me well, heaven isn’t guaranteed, but if all sins can be repented for, how does this NOT create even a subtle reliance on the greatness of heaven after this life? Not to mention the issue of sexual abuse in many churches, and as we all know the Catholic Church is unfortunately notorious for this, as are many cults. Religion and faith don’t happen in a bubble, but they seem to act like they do and we get the sin and darkness of humanity hid behind closed doors, it’s disgusting really. Whether it was the crusades of the past or the many Christians who voted against their own rights in the U.S. in contemporary American politics, I just couldn’t align myself with the beliefs of Christianity any longer. This isn’t fun for me to write, I wish I could get 100% with Christianity and make it to heaven but I think I rather spend my time trying to build what “heaven” looks like in the life I get now compared to hoping and having faith for greatness after my life ends.
@alexalani10110 the thing is:the old testament has incredible teachings,but many of the things also got replaced by the New order (it is something like that,i dont remember). Basically the New order is what followers of Jesus should use to follow him,there are things mentioned again from the old (a example is the 10 rules God made),but aside from what is on the New the violence and more brutal ways from before and long gone,Jesus sacrifice ended all the despair and now gives us a way out from sin. About the people hiding sin? Well...everyone is gonna have their judgment after Jesus is back,and he said to flee from sexual immorality and his sacrifice was to leave sin,if you see someone say that hides or sin on the open they are not with Jesus,I am not perfect either,i have my struggles. About faith,this is a bit hard for me to explain,but faith cant conect with science bc it is believing on what you cant see or touch,however,it is your decision if you want to do that or not,have a good day/night
My friend, you are a soul deserving of love. Of course every child deserves a parent equally, but it seems you got a parent that gave you love that you returned to her ten fold. The story of you and your grandmother was heartfelt, and tragic. I can't help but cry. Still, such as you, I'm glad you got the time you had with her. It seems those final days were very special for both of you. Good luck to you in your journey of life, and on your trauma from the mother who didn't step up - it sounds hard and I wouldn't wish that upon my worst enemy. I'm sure you can do it, you've already made it through much worse. Cherish your heart of gold, it's a wonderful trait. ❤
until the 2 hours mark it's bearable and slow-changing, after that there is a massive jump and its mostly spoopy sounds with bits of recognizable distorted melody, sometimes playing multiple melodies at once
@@dove4965 I skipped through it because I wanted to see what it was like even though I wouldn't be able to find the time to listen to the whole thing continuously. The only way I could describe those later tracks is that it's as if there's a remnant of some kind of musical quality far, far off in the distance, and I tried to grab it, but it kept getting farther and farther away, and there was absolutely nothing I could do about it.
the vast majority of people will eventually be forgotten after they die, which is an extremely scary thought, but to forget yourself while still alive is far more terrifying.
@@marrakesh_3589 it's just the natural course of things, everyone, even prominent figures in history, will be forgotten at some point. it's sad for sure, being forgotten is a real fear many people have, but everyone changes the world in some way, even by just existing, even when they are forgotten.
Alex Even if there is an afterlife, it can still be scary that at some point, no one in the real world will remember you. You won’t matter anymore there.
My grandma just told us that today is November 11, 2001. She congratulated my mom on the birth of my brother (who is now 19). Came here to think about that.
As someone who’s studying psychology, law, and linguistics I got to say there is a fascinating overlap with this album. We phonetically remember music and melodies the easiest, as they are biologically an easier load to memorize. Hearing the familiar tunes slowly fade and become more distorted, as a representation of patients suffering from dementia, was chilling. This is Especially true with my own personal experience with the disease. Before my Grandmother died, she flew across the country to live with us. She constantly called me my fathers name (which is my name, but I go by Kenny while my dad goes by Ken) because she didn’t recognize me as a young man (I was 16, and I hadn’t seen her since I was a chubby pre-pubsceent 9 year old. When I realized she was calling me “Ken” not as a nickname, but because she thought I resembled my father in his 20’s, it broke me. I cried in my room for hours and lamented to my father “Will you and Mom not remember us?”. She also called her own daughter (my mom) “Kathy” (this is my mom’s sisters name). It is most disturbing to me that at first, we would gently correct her, before becoming depressed and sad when she would continue to mis identify herself. It went to a point that my name was “Ryan” when I talked to her, and that really fucked with me. I just wanted her to be proud of the children her child raised, but she was so lost. She died in a haze of confusion ans false memories. To see such a strong Matriarch of a family reduced to the mental state of a child ruined me. I wasn’t even sad when she passed, just relieved as cruel as that sounds. It was painful for us, but could you imagine how painful it was for my Grandma Martha? Slowly losing her memories, her identity, her legacy on life she created through her 89 years of life. How I yearn to see her again, and wish that she has regained all of her sharp, witty characteristics, like her humor; In Heaven. RIP Martha Delaney 1925-2014. You are missed and remembered, even a decade later.
I’m very sorry for your loss and sorry that you had to witness your grandma in that state. And I’m sorry that she had to suffer like that. I hope you (as well as her) have found peace.
Rest in Peace, I only ever slightly know how that feels, I had a relative, who I gound out had Alzheimer's and I felt feaful, that was a year or 2 ago, I hope she's doing alright, that's just what I want to tell myself, that she's okay... but I don't know...
My mom felt like she lost her father to dementia. She felt like she regained him after death, as she was left with only memories of his life. bittersweet
@@starsnatcher4659 I studied with it (I didn't have 6 free hours) and it wasn't bad! I liked the background noise but you indeed still feel the effects
Swag moment when Elon Musk's brain chip streams a 5 minute long unskippable ad directly into your dementia ridden grandmother's brain causing her to seize and die
Yup, because with no recollection of the past without any form of documentation to prove otherwise, it's like it never happened. It truly is a crazy notion and a harsh reality.
changed my life. 2020 - 2025 ive been admiring this piece of art. all the tears ive cried while listenting to this masterpiece. truly from my heart, thanks.
my Bluetooth headphones just make a loud "beep" whenever it needs to be charged. idk what gives me a bigger heart attack than being an hour into this and just hearing a loud beeping noise.
pomtree poki UA-cam suggested that I take a break bc I listened for an hour and a half nonstop, but I didn’t notice it pause so I thought the silence was part of the video for a good 2 minutes
But the more I think about it the scarier it seems im just a child and...... I'm sacred of all the stuff that my life has to offer me bad or good I'm.... Scared
stage 1. “you’ve been a bit forgetful this week,” your husband tells you. “is everything okay?” you nod, continuing the search for your keys. ‘old age is getting to me,’ you say, as you’re well aged and memory tends to slip. it’s just some keys. everybody loses keys. you give your granddaughter two cookies instead of one every so often, because you don’t recall giving her the first. stage 2. ‘what’s the… what’s the word for…’ “hey, are you sure you’re alright?” ‘yeah, yeah, i just… the word for that thing where you… hm.’ you can’t seem to remember that word on the very tip of your tongue. and you can’t remember the name of your granddaughter’s friend, despite seeing her multiple times. you show up to a doctor’s appointment at 3am and wait outside in an overheating car for an hour until the police escort you home. ‘do you remember that, uh… that, uh...’ stage 3. ‘did you hear about the building collapse?’ “...no, where was that?” ‘just down the road from here! the entire building went down! my coworkers and i saw it.’ your daughter and her grandchildren smile and nod along as you ramble about you witnessing a building go down while working in the building you’re currently in. (unbeknownst to you, nothing like this ever happened, and you aren’t an employee at the nursing home.) stage 4. when your daughter brings in her two grandchildren, you’re a little confused. you recognize them, you know their faces and that they’re related to you, but their names… their names… what are their names? and why does your daughter keep taking your silverware from your purse? that’s your stuff. (it isn’t. you keep stealing it from the nursing home’s dining room.) stage 5. who are these two kids that are visiting you? what’s the name of this younger woman you just barely recognize? what are these stories they keep telling you? where even are you? you wander hopelessly through the halls of this strange building you don’t recognize. stage 6. you’re just crossing the threshold. you've been struggling to walk and get yourself dressed lately. you can't recall anything anymore. someone shows you a tiny rectangle that shows two other people, who smile and wave at you, one asking, “how are you, ma?” tears rush to your eyes. you don’t know these people. alzheimer's is genetic in my family. my grandma is currently entering the sixth stage, and i’m most likely going to get it when i’m older. we didn’t get to see much of the first two stages, as my grandpa used to keep her in order when he was alive. then when he passed, we saw just how forgetful and confused my grandma was. this was basically just her journey through the stages, and i have a vague idea of how the sixth one’s going to go. looking through the comment section, i saw some stories of loved ones with alzheimer's and dementia, so i decided to share mine. i’m really hoping we can find some way to prevent alzheimer’s, because it sucks to witness my grandma’s slow deterioration. it feels like she died when my grandpa did. and it sucks even worse to know that my mom will most likely have it, and then my sister and i most likely will. so yeah. good luck, future me. update: my grandmother passed in august of 2023. it’s incredible she made it so long in her condition, but she was always a very stubborn person. before this disease destroyed her brain, she was a wonderful person, always willing to take on the world just because she could. she was an aggressive businesswoman who refused to be turned down from positions just for being female, showing up to interviews in full suits, challenging everyone’s ideas. she started fading when i was young, so i missed out on most of her personality, but she lives on in her beautiful artworks we keep around the house. thank you, grandma. rest easy now. see you on the other side. and thank all of you for reading.
My grandma has it and is in about stage 3-4, I never realized how awful Alzheimer’s is and I hate myself for not realizing the pain she has to endure. A few weeks ago my mom started crying because she didn’t recognize her. She still recognizes me but now I’m terrified. I don’t know anymore. This is so eye opening but not in a good way.
wazzbot same my grandpa just got diagnosed with dementia including his anxiety since childhood he was my only father figure in my life he loved me and my sister like nothing else but he’s not himself anymore use to be a stubborn old man now he’s just there and I know time will come where he will not be there anymore but I scared he won’t remember who he was and the people who loved him I don’t know what I’ll do if he forgets and leaves
well every now i then i suggest you prepare your entire life, lets say once a week, to build a huge memento-like recall system, that will if not help you, at least ease the way into this descent of madness. I am a bipolar and if i dont take my meds or if i take to much drug oh boy. Having mental illness is hard.
My Grandma has dementia. It's gotten bad to the point that she had to move to a nursing home, she can no longer look after her self. recently My Grandad past away from blood cancer which was hard for me. My mother and I took my Grandma to the funeral service and we sat down at the front row in the church. She asked my Mother. "Should we save a seat for my husband?" She had forgotten that the service was for her husband. Hearing this just destroyed me in the inside. I remember when she was bright and full of colour and joy. It was scary seeing her mind deuterate as the years went by. I'm happy with the little time I have left with her.
@@SteweytubeNo, don't make this harder for him buy guilting him. He would have to quit his job and cancel all plans he has to look after her 24/7 for her just to forget all the sacrifices he made every day. These people need 24/7 care at the end and it's honestly rude to push that burden on him when he's already going though this much pain.
@@SteweytubeLike, I don't think she would have wanted him to give up everything for the next few months or years. Jobs, relationships, time with friends, give up on getting an education, to take care of a husk of a person who's mostly gone already. I know if I had dementia, I would make sure that they knew I was OK with being put in a home so they wouldn't have to ruin their lives taking care of me like a newborn baby for a year. If I'm that far gone then just put me somewhere so I don't become an anchor on my hypothetical children or grandchildren
@GamingWithNikolas I never implied ONLY he could watch her. Parts of his family could. Maybe I'm just biased because my grandma lives with my aunt. They even had schedules, so the other aunts could spend night or watch her when my main aunt was busy, and we pulled her out of a nursing home after she suffered a stroke. Nursing homes are scary. Sometimes, those nurses go crazy and abuse the patients, especially if they have dementia or are related to it.
It's worse than a horror movie, it's...how do I explain? A horror movie will effect you while it's running, but once it's over and the credits roll, it's over. You may feel some residual anxiety, but for the most part once it's done, it loses its hold on you. But this? This...will never leave me. _This will never leave me._
Its so much worse, its like a nightmare where you can almost run but you cant. Almost see, almost think. But at the same time its so far away. That truly haunts me
If I am gonna lose my memories, I'd rather die sooner than live without knowing who anyone is. Feeling like the world is scary and new every 10 minutes. I can't even imagine, I don't want to imagine.
you’d hate a dmt breakthrough then, i thought i was trapped in a never ending loop of what hell would be like while my thoughts of myself and who i was quickly faded until the experience was nothing but what i could only describe and fear and unfamiliarity
6:24:50 The sudden presence of undistorted music after the total chaos and emptiness for most of stage 6 feels like we are reminded that this was a person with full memory recall and emotions displaying unique experiences and personality, and for one moment we are given some semblance of it returning. One last glimpse at the soul before it departs, gave me shivers.
It's likely a manifestation of terminal lucidity, a phenomenon in terminally ill patients where they gain a sudden moment of clarity shortly before death. I interpret this section as the person finally remembering memories from their life through a song which touched their heart shortly before they die.
That, my friend, is a perfect depiction of terminal lucidity, when a dementia patient gains their memories back undistorted, untainted by the grey mist of forgetting, for one final time before the ultimate closing of one's story.
my dad was paralyzed from his left side and he was unable to walk for ten years. he had liver cancer and on top of that, his swallowing system was not working so we used to feed him through a tube. his brain was dying every passing day. he used to say "i hope god will take my body before he takes my mind." he was getting worse and worse. he couldn't even speak. but on his last day, he said my name. i was the only person he remembered. his eyes looked sparkly but lost at the same time. i cannot imagine how he felt at that time. during the days when he was slowly realizing what was happening to him, he said "life is beautiful; yet so scary at the same time." indeed, dad. it is beautiful, yet so scary.
About a year after my great grandpa got dementia, I remember walking into his room at the nursing home once to see him holding his phone, saying “Joe, why won’t you pick up?” And dialing the same number over and over and over again. I said hi to him, and he said, “Oh, hello. Have you spoken with Joe recently?”. I didn’t know who Joe was, but when my Mom came into the room, she pulled me aside for a second. “Joe was the one who set him and your Great Grandma up in their first date, and he was Grandpas best friend”. I asked why he wasn’t answering grandpas calls then, and she told me that Joe had been dead for ten years. And in the next few weeks before he died, he spent hours a day calling Joe over and over again. I visited him often, and we would sit there while he told me about Joe, but every minute or two he would come across a part of a story that he didn’t remember. he would stop and get this confused expression on his face, and then he would look at me and say “Oh dear. Oh, dear.” Then he just continue. The one thing he never forgot was me and my sisters Hershey kisses. Every time we had ever visited him, at least since we were old enough, he would give my sister and i one Hershey kiss each. At his funeral my mom gave me his bag of Hershey kisses, told me to take as many as I like. I took one. I still have that Hershey kiss, sitting in a little jar. I like the think that he’s still there, in that little Hershey kiss. I miss him. I really do miss him.
I have very little memories of my grandmother before she was diagnosed with dementia and came to live with us. The earliest memory I can recall, being in her home requesting a grilled cheese with some dill pickles on the side. Her grilled cheeses for some reason always tasted way better than my mothers. I would always wolf them down in a matter of seconds only to ask for another shortly after. Often at times, she would make me 4 or 5 grilled cheeses in a day. She had two cats, both of which stumbled their way to my grandmothers home. One being a completely grey silky smooth cat who was dropped off at my grandmothers door by an unknown driver. We named her Lucky. The other was an orange cat with a broken rib and broken nose that had emerged from the woods one day and started taking refuge on my grandmothers porch. She took him in and named him Tommy. I would play for hours with these cats while devouring grilled cheese sandwiches. I was very young during this time period and do not remember too much of what my grandmother was like. I was somewhere between 4-7. The next memory I can remember is sitting in an easy chair at my grandmother's trailer near Lake Ontario, talking to her, asking about what my grandfather was like. He had died when I was young and I had very few memories of him. I don't remember what she said but I can recall clear as day saying to her "I miss him" to which she replied "I miss him too." I tried my hardest to hold back my tears because I didn't want her to see me crying. The conversation ended there and we both continued to watch Wheel of Fortune. I was between 8-11 at this time. There are other smaller memories I have of her but not any that really stick with me as much as these two do. I don't know why but from ages 12-16, I cant remember much about her. There was definitely times where we had gone to her house for Christmas and other holidays but I can't remember anything significant about her. Just that I was at her house with other family members. She ended up having a mini stroke which would lead to her being diagnosed with early dementia. She would then later come to live with us as she was no longer able to safely take care of herself. At the start is wasn't too bad. She was mostly coherent but would have some odd sayings here and there and would forget things I had already said to her. My mother always had to help her get dressed though because my grandmother would often put on 3-4 pairs of underwear and several bras. I'm not sure if she forgot that she had already put them on or what but that woman would go through a weeks worth of clothes in a day haha. She also had an obsession with shortening her clothes. Like extreme shortening. We had to hide all of our scissors because if she got a pair, she would cut her clothes in half. Pants became shorts, dresses and night gowns became crop-tops. Again, not too sure what her mind was thinking when she got ahold of those scissors but it made for some good laughs. Every Friday though she would pack up all of her items and wait by the front door for her first son to come pick her up from our house. She would start to cry when we would tell her that she has to stay with us and that her son isn't coming for a while. We would call my uncle so he could speak to her and help calm her down. After this happened for the third or fourth consecutive week, we decided to pull the plug and have my uncle bring her back home so she felt safe and happy in a familiar place. I was between 17-18 during this time. After maybe a year, she had deteriorated a lot and was unable to live on her own at all. She needed 24/7 care/watch which my uncles were unable to provide. So my grandmother came back to live with us. At this point she couldn't cook for herself and struggled to use the bathroom alone. She could talk somewhat but often it was like she was busy daydreaming. You would sometimes have to repeat the same question multiple times to get an answer out of her. She became very sensitive emotionally to things. Any sort of movie we had on with violence or people crying would make her weep. I could usually fix that pretty quickly though. I was somehow able to make her laugh all the time. Either by doing goofy things or silly dances. Sometimes just even looking at her would make her laugh. It was almost as if she was reverting back to being a child. It was tough on all of us with my mother being the most affected. She had quit her job in nursing so she could give my grandmother the proper care and attention she needed. I was 18-19 at this time. The past two years have been the hardest and most painful. My childhood dog, Trina, which I had adopted with my mother when I was 8 or 9, had started to decline just as rapidly as my grandmother. She became incontinent and was barley able to walk or get up off the floor. She also became mostly blind and deaf so she as well needed 24/7 care. Trina hated most people that came into our house but loved my grandmother. We would joke that they were the dynamic dementia duo since they were always together, day and night. At this point, my grandmother was only able to get out a couple words, mostly being yes or no. She needed complete care. If you led her to the bathroom, she would just stand in there and fidget with things until you undressed her and sat her on the toilet. She wouldn't feed herself unless the item was something you could eat with your hands. Even then you would have to remind her to pick up whatever thing you were trying to get her to eat. One night around 1-2AM, I walked past my grandmothers room and noticed she was awake. I went in there to see if she needed a drink of water to which she replied yes. I got a glass of water for her and sat between Trina and my grandmothers bedside. I helped her sip from the straw and I don't know why but I just became washed over with emotions and started crying. I apologized to her that i never got to really know her before the dementia. I told her that I loved her and was thankful for the time that I did get to spend with her. I like to think that for just a moment, she broke through the fog in her mind and heard what I was saying. She patted my head a couple times and it meant the world to me. I held her hand, finished my cry, tucked the covers, kissed her forehead and went back to bed. I was 20. A couple months passed and we decided to put my dog Trina down. I buried her and left for my first semester at college. My grandmother ended up having two strokes and became completely bed ridden. She was unable to talk and had very little response to outside stimuli. The day after my 21st birthday I received a text from my father that my grandmother has passed away. I honestly didn't really feel much of anything when I got the news. I didn't feel much of anything about it for a long time. I had thought that I must of done my grieving when she was alive. I am now 21 years old. I stumbled across this project via a video done on it by a channel called A Bucket of Jake. I initially thought that it was just some album about being depressed or something overly dramatized. I only made it through 10 minutes of his video before the waterfalls came roaring out of my eyes. Once I had learned what this project was about, I just couldn't stop crying. I tried giving it a listen, but I could only skip through the entire thing. I don't know why but any part of this piece makes me cry. It makes me question if I did enough for my grandmother when she was alive. It makes me think about how she must of felt during her journey through dementia. How often she must have felt joy or terror. It makes me wish I got to know her more before the dementia. I think most of all, this project forces me to face all of the pain I've been running from for the past 3 years. I've been distracting with various things for so long now, I don't think I've taken a moment to slow down and process once in these 3 years. With the shutdown and a very few number of people on campus, there's no place, nobody, and no thing left for me to run to. It's time I process this pain. Also if anybody reads this, please don't sympathize for me or feel the need to drop condolences in the comments. I haven't talked about this with really anyone and that's all I wanted to do. Most people my age don't understand what this is like or are just waiting for their turn to talk about their struggle. I love and miss you dearly, Shirley Hartmann. May you find your husband and find your peace. Love, Your grandson
00:00:00 is the song "a burning memory". at 01:27:33 we hear the same song yet its more faded. at 3:23:46 we hear it again but its no longer a complete song, we are now starting to only hear glimpses of it. 3:31:33 , 3:32:24 , 3:34:02 , 3:36:17, 3:42:28 , 3:50:10 , 4:41:48 , 4:42:25 , 5:13:33 , 5:18:46 , 5:49:41 , 6:03:30 are all examples of this memory that is fading in and out. the more and more you continue, the lesser you can tell, the more you can hear the memories trying to escape.
@@legallyrequired The worst part it's that the best part. We are nothing, we are our memories and when we die memories will too, so our existence will be nothing. Nothing to nothing, even if we became someone important to humanity, universe will die too, atoms will be nothing. The whole universe will became nothing "again" and then maybe there will be another universe ir maybe the universe is just a golrified loop and things will happen again for eternity. Fact is we both will not know because we were born in a time where those things i speaked about is just "teories" But hey! Don't be depressed over "nothing" lol
@@tsu177 and what if you will know about it? as i know there is a lot of poetry based on thinking how light is black dirt (idk if i used the right word) so you should definitely read that. it gave me chills i hope you'll feel the same :)
my worst fear is to develop dementia and forget my husband, my parents, my friends and myself. i’d rather die young than live a long life only to forget it all.
Forgetfulness isn't my fear of demential/alzheimer's. Coming to a fleeting moment of clarity to realize you have no idea where you are, or how you got there, then to fade back into the tumultuous din of our mindscape, that would be terrifying to me.
I work at a retirement home and we have a wing specialized in dementia and Alzheimer's disease. Some of them are in the first phase and some are somewhere else. Hard to tell. There is laughs, screams, tears, life. They are people. You end up liking them, getting used to the disease, the habits. And sometimes, you have a day off. Then you are back and the person you were laughing with, talking, eventually cracking some jokes is gone. That person is right in front of you, clinically alive but looking into their eyes you must admit you lost them. They are definitely gone. Somewhere at the end of their own time..
My grandma has alzheimer (she made 98 years this week). the last time i saw her before the quarantine she was thinking that my dead grandpa was alive and that my Father still was a Child,Sometimes she packed her bags and start saying that she will go away because there was not her place. im brazilian so i apologize if i pronnuced something wrong
My Papa (grandfather) just passed away two days ago. He suffered a stroke about a year ago, and developed dementia after never fully recovering from the stroke. At first everything was fine more or less; he had trouble walking and had a bit of a stutter due to the stroke, but otherwise he was in good spirits, rolling around with his walker and sneaking out to use the lawnmower to cut the grass--even though he wasn't supposed to. The dementia just...changed him. And it was gut-wrenching to watch. He kept trying to hold onto things like chores or tinkering projects in his workshop, but his mind and his hands couldn't keep up with things that were once easy for him. He started jumbling his words together, or losing track of conversations. He also had worsening control over his temper, and he would snap and argue with my grandma(who has her own mild Alzheimers and is going blind). It got to the point where his speech issues were so bad he could hardly speak, but he would still shout in the middle of the night at my grandma to shut up, shut up, shut up, over and over until my dad could calm him down. He eventually went to a memory care home because we could no longer give him the level of care he needed, and his motor skills and speech skills continued to deteriorate. He was a lot nicer to my grandma after they separated and she no longer visited him during his bouts of 'sundowning', where his temper would flare at night. Even after most of his words were gone, he'd smile at his wife during her lunchtime visits and pucker his lips up to her for a kiss. I visited him the day before he died, and he was largely unresponsive. Papa was the first in the family to obtain a college degree(mechanical engineering), travel by plane to work in foreign countries and oil rigs, and he held patents for oil rig equipment he designed. He was smart as a whip, and I knew that very well. So I know that, on some level, he must have been so troubled and frustrated by what was happening to him. Watching this disease take him away from us while being powerless to do anything to help was the worst feeling I've ever felt. I don't wish this fate on anyone.
my grandmother has dementia. she doesn’t even know i exist now. i use to be annoyed when she would try to teach my little cousins my name, but now- i would do anything in the world for her to remember it again. i cry just at the thought of our walks on the beach and when we sewed together. i remember all of it, but all she can do is look at me kindly trying not to be rude because she forgot about me.
Oh this broke my heart. I have never had an experience with dementia. I thought it was just losing things and not knowing what day it was but after listening to this and reading the comments I’m terrified and heartbroken...
This comment section is beatiful. Several comments have made me cry. Dementia is much more than forgettings someones name, it's forgetting who they are. i wish you the best.
@@Gartenofdanban69 that's messed up forgetting who your son is and who your grandchildren are that's terrifying and the fact that she died probably still not knowing you is so sad poor you hope you are doing well
Imagine living a whole life, overcoming so much struggle, and developing a wide array of memories, good and bad, to become the person you are, just to forget it all in your final moments. It is truly a horrifying way to pass.
I agree, it is scary to think about. I guess my hope is that my living friends/family will be able to remember me after I pass and hopefully I will be remembered as I saw myself and how I wanted to be known.
he took his life december 23rd… a lot of emotions are still spiraling… gunshot to his head and they found him at 12pm… he had schizophrenia and alzheimer’s i missed a christmas with him this year because of it… he couldn’t do it anymore and he’s in no more pain… i miss you grandpa chuck and i love you…
@Heybrine Yeah, it's Terrifying. My grandmother had Alzheimers and since I didn't visit her as much due to me living away a few hours, I didn't get to see her that often. I was the first one to be forgotten by her and that lasted throughout the last three years of her life of always asking me who I am whenever I came to visit.
This album is horrifying, this is the first time I actually gave thought to the sheer terror of Alzheimer's or dementia. Losing who you are as a person just seems like such a terrible way to die.
Dementia is just horrifying. First you start forgetting about things in the past, then forget about simple things, then you start forgetting about your friends and family, and even everything around you. Then you forget how to live.
bro this finna make me cry because i know someone who’s gone through it and i was right there with her to try and help. it was awful. i could never blame her for what happened. it wasn’t her fault. she wasn’t in her right mind.
Its so sad because my great grandma died of dementia. She was a great gal and was so fun to be around. She was found dead in her house one morning and she also suffered from paranoia and lived in the middle of the woods because she thought everyone was out to get her. She had LOTS of doctor’s appointments to go to, but thought the doctor was out to get her too so she refused to go. I love her so much. 😢❤️
@@AmadorJuarez2024 Alzheimer’s disease is the most common type of dementia which is a broad category of brain diseases that cause a long-term and gradual decrease in the ability to think and remember.
I think dementia is worst form of suffering a human can experience. Imagine you were in a hospital as a geriatric dementia patient. You are in a world of agony. You try to figure out what is going on, who is around you, and what is anything but you can’t and you are frustrated and in a state of panic . You are experiencing intense joint pain and other aches all at once for the first time because you don’t remember having them before and all the years of you adapting to aging body are forgotten. You see complete strangers around you sticking sharp objects into you, injecting unknown liquids, putting unknown things in your mouth, taking away the thing you’re wearing you can’t remember the name of and taking the foul smelling substances that, what’s it called? your body? produces. Sometimes they wash you with, uh, water you think it’s called and it is incredibly discomfortable because you are forced to experience it against your will. You only know suffering because you can no longer remember or imagine a world outside the pain and confusion you are feeling at the moment. You feel so alone but you are not even aware of the concept of human connection since everyone you have ever met are strangers to you that you can barely (if at all) understand and can barely (if at all) communicate to. You can’t even thrash or throw fits because your body is too weak to do so. Not only are you imprisoned in an unknown room, you are trapped in a body that barely move. You can’t even receive the bliss of accepting that the rest of your life is going to be just suffering (like many prisoners who in the past faced torture and execution), and there’s nothing you can do but accept it, since you are perpetually experiencing this suffering for the first time forever. You can’t even hope for death to eventually put you out of your misery since you might not even know of such a concept anymore or the immediate shock of experiencing immense suffering is the only thing you can feel and notice at the moment. For all you know, you will suffer forever, if you still can even imagine what forever is. Hell, you can’t even think in the long term since all you know is the suffering you’re feeling at the moment. Hopefully, you will die before the cognitive degeneration gets too extreme as I’ve described it, yet keep in mind, even if the suffering is not the most physically agonizing experience you can have, there is a point in which you lose all frame of reference, where you can’t imagine a worse form of suffering nor a world without suffering -you only would know the agony of the moment.
@@sdsdpopo I think you should read my post, it only scratches the surface of it (I completely leave out memory entanglements and ruptures and just the general idea of experiencing memories as unclear hallucinations that confuse and terrify you further) but it is undoubtedly scary. The feeling of helplessness would be nothing you’ve ever experienced before.
My grandma died recently and suffered from dementia so this album is honestly terrifying; she used to tell us about a "game" she'd play where she snuck into people's houses and rearranged their furniture to mess with them, and she fully believed it was real. Then, a couple of weeks later, my mum found her standing in the corner of the bathroom, facing the wall and leaning over as she always did. She'd been there for 20 minutes, unaware of where she was. I'm almost thankful that her passing was accelerated by a bad fall that broke her hip, as I was lucky enough to never see her progress far enough not to recognise me. The fact that it could have ended like that utterly horrifies me.
I remember we had a resident in our nursing home that was just so scared in the last two phases of dementia... She was just screaming for her mom over and over again. Listening to her just broke my heart.
LittleVarenyky Wow. That would be frightening to experience as her and from your point of view. She must’ve felt isolated and confused which was why she was calling for her mom because it might’ve been one of the things she remembered doing (going up to her mom a as a child when she felt scared). I know I’m pointing out the obvious, but it’s still really scary. And I feel sorry that you had to hear her decline; I would be plain out traumatized!
@@wuandondo4832 I've been working as a nurse here for a while now so I've seen a thing or two. And i gotta say, it wasn't that bad because she was already like that when i started working here. It's a lot worse when that person is still able to walk when you first meet them. But thankfully, most of the dementia residents we have here seem pretty happy, might be because all of us received special training. But that particular woman was very unhappy and scared the last two years of her life.
I used to listen to this when I worked overnight shifts at a residential facility, 10pm-8am alone when I was 24, my first real job in mental health as a clinician. It was a large house that had in house clients who couldn’t live on their own because they had really bad schizophrenia and/or trauma. One lady had Alzheimer’s (she eventually left for higher care) and what was sad was that she used to be a dementia care nurse before ending up in that dystopian home where she was a shell of who I couldn’t imagine she once was. A lot of unfortunate and dark spirited management controlled it all. I would be wide awake, or try to be, while most everyone was asleep. Time seemed to drift at a rate that was not of my control. I’d try to make things go by faster at times, but other times I just sat there, alone, reminiscing the souls that were there. My own soul. My own heart, my own passions. Something to be found, perhaps. Or maybe I needed static sound disguised in a comforting melody that I could sink into, keeping my own sanity as much as I could, while I sipped on my caffeine, checked on the house from time to time… marked off the few tasks there were to be done… and waited for the light of dawn to appear and free me. I’d usually begin to do artwork, draw a bit, or try to do something productive. That was a redeeming aspect of it that I cultivated for myself. The clients loved to see my drawings when they woke :). But, the stagnant pond that the house reflected, the unmoving waters that echoed a deeply disturbing truth- the clients were like cogs in a Medicaid wheel. And all I could do, was move forward, yet I was there for a moment in time. The early bird was always there ready for his meds, perhaps a bit of control made him feel productive. I just sit here and think, how has time come and gone. This tune reminds me of those endless nights that unwound to the anticipation of the light of day. The lessons I learned. And the very, very strange things I would see. Sometimes seemed like soft muffled clouds. I wonder what your reality looks like I never comment on UA-cam videos, but I wanted to for some reason now.
Thank you, for commenting. How entertaining it is to see how someone lives, imagine how someone lives. I feel like i’ve lived a tenth of life every time i get to read comments like these, how drastically different from my life their writers live. How these commentors observe reality, how these commentors think about reality. The littlest details highlight the most of their perspectives. Seeing how this one mentions the reflection of the lake, it shows the commentor has a habit of looking for natural beauty. I have no single idea whether that is correct, but the point is that it could be. I could imagine this person, contrast my conception of reality to theirs. It’s so, so so wonderful. Thank you.
@ I thank you for responding to my comment. I too love the little things, the tiny things, that make each of us unique. Our experiences, how we reflect of them, and how that makes us each an individual. The most precious and beautiful of life can go unnoticed to those who don’t see, the very beauty which echoes the thinnest cracks of our reality. Our perception of reality. When we look at each other, it’s like water. Reflecting my own reality, yet I see through it, to see something novel, too, perhaps. I love nature and Taoism for this reason. Thank you for reading of a piece of my life and sharing your thoughts, stranger. Isn’t sharing the human experience so beautiful. It is all we have.
My grandma has Alzheimer’s. A few weeks ago all my cousins and brother and I were sitting with my grandma trying to talk to her. One of my cousins said “you know we love you right?” And she responded with “I love you guys too I just don’t know who any of you are.” Every time I think about that moment it breaks my heart. Edit: my grandma passed away this June and my biggest regret is not being kind or treating her like a human being. When my grandma first started showing signs of dementia I was never told of her diagnosis and over time I began to hate her because she became an extremely bitter person which is normal for Alzheimer’s/dementia. I also became disgusted with my grandma because her hygiene began to slip and she would do odd things like try to clean the toilet with toilet water and wash her hands with toilet water. Once I was old enough to understand what was really going on I convinced myself that my grandma was already gone and there was no point trying to talk to her. The last week of her life I could tell she was dying and I still couldn’t muster up the courage to simply lay next to her In bed and just talk to her. Some part of me still felt disgust towards my grandma. I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you grandma. After everything you did for me I’m sorry I didn’t help you when you needed me. I look back at all those times I caught you in a moment of fear and instead of calming you down I would scold you and whisper under my breathe that you were crazy. I was the one thing that kept you grounded in this crazy household and even after recognizing that, after realizing how much I could’ve helped you I still didn’t. I miss you grandma. I’m sorry for everything. I hope you forgive me. July 24, 2020
My grandma had dementia, she couldn't recognize any of her children, but she was happy most of the time. When she passed away, my dad wasn't that sad because he said she had passed away a long time ago and her body just catched up.
@@martianbuilder5945 Funnily enough, I checked Heartaches and found that I had learned a different key from that one too. I literally accidentally learned a key that is dissonant from BOTH versions.
Could you just imagine waking up in a strange location just, not knowing where you are, who you are, who you know, who you love? That's terrifying as shit.
Brother/sister, you don't wake up suddenly like this, your memories slowly extinguish like a lighter slowly losing more and more fuel, producing more sparks than flames at times and becoming increasingly slower. At least thats how it felt with my granny..
@@k1ll3r-xza thats what is honestly the scariest abt it but when it comes to that stage, i think that those afflicted, tho unknowingly, try to combat it at first but eventually give in and go through that terrified but not surprised
this is my worst fear in the world, losing all of my memories, everything, like someone cast obliviate and i've forgotten everything from myself, my family members, everyone i've ever met, everything i've learned, all the photographs i've taken...all gone
my grandad died from secondary liver cancer but also had dementia. for his last days (probably more like a week before he passed) he would not eat or drink for anyone, not my dad, not his wife of 58 years, not the nurses, me. he ate from me spoon feeding him and holding his head off the pillow to drink. I sat at his bed and held his hand maybe the day before he died and he shouted "get off!" and that was the last thing he really did. I still sat with him and spoke to him up to his final hours, I'm so sure he heard me as everytime I asked a question he would groan. I just hope he wasn't scared. rip grandad 12-12-1944 - 02-02-2024
I don’t fear death, but this gives a view into something much, much worse. Edit: I made this in like middle school and I still think I was on to something. What I mean to say is that being dead isn’t scary however dying is. And to go out in such a drawn out and confusing way is truly terrifying.
stage one: why y’all talking bout dementia i’m over here scrolling through the comments cuz i’m bored stage four: how does that do that i feel like i’m in my brain
It must be horrible to pass away empty, scared, not knowing what’s going on, with a bunch of strangers crying around you. It really hurts seeing somebody with dementia and how worried, confused, and frightened they are.
I was my grandmother's caretaker from about age 17 to 28, her son was a deadbeat and my mother passed away from cancer when I was 15 so we were all that each other had left. My grandma and I were very close. Her dementia began setting in in 2020 I want to say. Watching someone you love lose themselves and forget who they are and where they are, and occasionally forgetting you is an indescribable pain to endure. You feel so helpless, you both know something is wrong but there's nothing you can do. My grandma passed away in July 2023. Even if she forgot who she was sometimes, where she was, no matter what she forgot she always remembered me. Even if there were brief times she forgot who I was in the end she still remembered me. It's extremely difficult to listen to the caretaker because it is so eerily accurate it is, it hits very close to hy heart. It's very sad but such a beautiful piece of work
I feel like one day I will think "dementia is when you forget stuff" and then when I don't care about swearing I'll say something vulgar, and maybe I've thought this multiple times, I keep mentally active , and I'll fight it. Music, art, writing, reading, sculpture, socialize, game, puzzle. Then I'll forget why. Demontia is a worde. I'll do it for fun. I'll play my fav game again and forget what it was about. hat was it abot?
If you were to listen to this without any context, you'd probably be asking yourself what the hell this is. But with the context, it's just absolute dread, fear, and anguish
i actually listened to this yesterday without any context. Some friend just sent me and i started listening. At first, it was very pleasant and comforting. But some time later, songs were confusing and strange, with them just stopping abruptly. I asked a friend about the album and he told me that was an experience of simulation of dementia. I continued to listen to the album until the fifth stage when it was very disturbing and discomforting to hear. It was scary and confusing.
My great grandma, at age 91, is one of the strongest-willed people i know to this day. The woman is a tank, but shes just beginning to show slight signs of maybe slipping. I hope so bady that she doesnt lose her beautiful mind, her love for painting, and plundering, flowers, and old western shows, her sense of humor, im so horrified of the aspect that she could lose this, that she could someday forget all these adventures shes lived through. The woman has been everywhere, and id give my soul to make sure she keeps them until that magnificent flame of hers exhausts on that sad day
Go to the doctor and see if it really is dementia,if it is,spend time with her until she dies,enjoy every moment Also,i dont know if you believe,but Jesus can save you all,maybe not cure her dementia if it is not on his will but lift you all on the final day
My grandfather has dementia, it’s bad enough that he can’t recognize any close family, somehow, though, when asked, he will remember he has a grandson and his name, so whenever i tell him who i am he always lights up. I don’t know how long it’ll take for him to forget me entirely, but i’ve learned to appreciate the small things in life more.
It's really important to appriciate this moment while he kinda understands that he's with you. This is the last moments you have to do so. Wish all the best. Stay strong.
@McGeoculus the album is meant to represent how it feels to go through dementia, slowly forgetting the moments (or in this case songs) you thought you'd always remember clearly
after suffering with dementia for years, forgetting everyone around her, and me. she was the only woman that made me feel like my life was worth living for. she passed away on thursday, last week.
Im so sorry to hear that. Perhaps human live never should have happened. I think this species might be a mistake. We simply are too aware and nature is simply too cruel. I hope you're doing okay. Life is not fair. It really isn't.
My deepest condolences to you, so sorry for you loss. I wish you the best for your life and i hope you're doing okay despite difficulties life can give you.
This album is one of the greatest albums made of all time. It reflects how it feels to decline with Alzheimer's and dementia. Dementia is a mental disease in which you slowly forget everything: who you are, what the people in front of you are, what you used to be before you have been diagnosed, where you are, what time it is, until you eventually forget even how to walk or swallow. It is nothing to joke about, since this whole topic is very dark. And the covers of each part also make sense: the first one is a rolled newspaper, you still remember stuff. The second one is a distorted vase. You can tell it is a vase but you can't remember what material it is made out of. The third image is the same vase but with the flowers that have overgrown, making you even more confused: is this a flower, a tree, some random green things? You can[t even understand them. The fourth part is how people from the exterior see you. The fourth part is also the post-awareness stage, which means that you even forget you have dementia. It shows that human because this is how people from the exterior see you. The fifth part is the worst a dementia patient can get: you don't even understand what the cover is supposed to show. Then, the sixth part is a cardboard that you had to paint on, but, as you can see, it has no painting on it. Why? Because the patient has died in stage six. This is a reference to an artist with dementia, which, every year he drew a portrait of himself. You can search "dementia portrait" on Google, go to images and you will see. It shows no drawing because the patient has died. My point is that, this album is far more deeper and darker than it seems at first glance.
@Unzus and judging by all ur comments on this channel, i came to a conclusion: you searched that thing on google, you saw the answer then you thought "lol im so smart im so special i am the one time to correct everyone in the replies", like, no one cares lmfao
(content warning, descriptions of seizures) Finished it last night. I think it's time i get into detail about my experience listening to this... Tragic masterpiece. This is mostly for me, but if you want to read this massive essay where i go into a fair bit of 'unnecassary detail', feel free! Like most people, i've read through a LOT of comments from people while listening through the entire album. I don't know if it was an intentional part of the artistic vision, but it definitely impacted my experience quite heavily. In a good way. It was a nice reminder to me just how similar yet different we all are, and how our experiences can bring us together. It also reminded me how many wonderful folks of different walks of life do actually still know how to appreciate and experience art, even at the rise of generative AI. It's... Hard to describe the exact feelings i felt. Maybe catharsis, maybe comfort, maybe calm. Definitely anxiety, dread,... But in a way that was, good. It's weird. To go into detail... I was surprised to see some people describing a similar experience to mine- Since this album is about the simulated experience of the mental deterioration of Alzheimer's, i wasn't expecting to see others agree that it reminded them of what it's like to experience an epileptic seizure. For context, i used to have seizures from about age 11 to age 14. They developed suddenly, and were caused by a tumor in my brain, which was surgically removed in 2018. Since then i've been free of seizures, but the trauma of it all still comes back to me in quite unexpected ways sometimes, because of how much compartmentalizing i was doing at the time. Since seizures can present themselves in such a spectrum of ways, I'll go a bit into detail on mine. I had focal onset aware seizures that stemmed from a benign tumor in my left brain hemisphere, that would affect me differently depending on whether i was awake or asleep as they started. It always started the same way though, with a tingling sensation in my right flank, (if i'm asleep this would wake me up) which then spread to my right leg, and would evolve into numbness and violet jerking of the involved areas. If i was awake before it started, it usually stayed contained to that area, sometimes if it got bad i would fall/have to sit down and/or it spread to my right arm as well. Always lasted for about 20-50 seconds, and any affected area would then be numb and limp for the next few minutes to half an hour. If i was asleep though, it would start the same way, and then rapidly take over my entire body. I usually had just enough time to scream for help from my dad or siblings before my lungs and vocal chords would seize up. I was mentally aware, i could see and hear everything, but lost complete control of my limbs. Sometimes i'd have auditory hallucinations, but the main things I'd hear were my concerned family members trying to comfort me through the agony, my limbs hitting my bed and the walls, and the worst part- Hearing myself struggling to breathe. And then, this rumbling. This lack of control, the pure physical discomfort, the arrhythmic, horrible noisescape of hearing my body hurting itself and suffocating, for maybe a minute and a half at most, but it always felt like an eternity. And when it ended, i'd be limp and weak and out of breath and barely able to breathe. My ability to walk would come back within the next 10 or so minutes, i wouldn't be stable on my feet for probably 30-45 though. I'd feel the effects of them for half the following day, and i had these seizures about 1-3 times per week. Every week. For over three years. Not a long time in the grand scheme of things, but, it still haunts me. To this day, hearing a baby make little idle noises brings me great discomfort. The little holding of its breath for a second, then expelling air in a puff, or just loudly mouth-breathing while moving around, brings me back to hearing myself suffocate. From Stage 4 onwards, i kept having to take breaks because of how reminiscent of this soundscape it was, especially since i was listening in a dark room, and at night. It opened up some of the locked away compartments in my brain, it allowed me to process and move on from some of the trauma it had all caused me. Some bits even reminded me of the auditory hallucinations i used to have, some of it reminded me of the noises an mri machine would make during one of my many brain scans. It's genuinely crazy how accurate it all is, how perfectly it encapulates the panic, the powerlessness, the disorientation, the horror. I guess that's because panic, powerlessness, disorientation and horror are all part of experiencing the later stages of Alzheimer's, too. This entire experience has been incredibly cathartic for me, and i hope that if you read this comment to the end, you maybe got a feel for a bit of that? I dunno. All i know is that it helped me, in quite a few ways, even if it simultaneously absolutely horrified me. Have a nice day, stranger, and take care of yourself and your loved ones
Hey, just wanted to say hi and check up a little. I feel you. I unfortunately have Grand Mal seizures and just wanted to say that, this encapsulates the confusion and overall feel of seizures. If you want some details, keep reading. Overall, my seizures are different than yours, but it’s still fully showed during this collection of music, my seizures are thought to be from a genetic mutation, but no one really knows where they come from, it’s not triggered by light or any other common things, it’s just, *there*. I’ve never really gotten the opportunity to experience one while I was conscious, but i do remember having a feeling about something, then waking up about to vomit. I’m lucky enough to not have broken anything yet, and I’m on meds. This string of pieces kinda, make you feel the confusion, yknow? One second I’ll be somewhere, the next I’ll be teleported to a completely different space, confused, angry, not knowing where I went, it’s indescribable. Sometimes I’m sore, sometimes I’m not. But what I also wanted to highlight is how this kind of shows how being on meds is, at least for me. Some things kinda abruptly end, while others become fluid and tangled. I can be happy at one moment, then be yelling the next, it’s numbing really. Just like seizures. Sometimes I cry as soon as anything bad is said, other times I don’t. Somehow, this album makes me feel all of that… My experience is definitely different than yours, but I just wanted to say you wrote it well, and good job. Sorry if my comment sounds ramble, because it really is.
ive never experienced forgetting something precious. basically, life. ive always forget small things, things like “oh, why did i come in here for?” or “did i do *this* or *that* yet?”. never anything tragic, huge, and desirable. it must be absolutely terrifying. especially losing it all slowly, and slowly, and slowly. till you feel like everything around you doesnt exist. your mind is so clueless, you feel dizzy, almost like the world is LITERALLY turning. i wish best for everyone that has dimentia.
My grandmother has dimentia and all my life whenever we would visit each other she would tell me I'm beautiful. Growing up I just thought it was Grandma being Grandma. But recently I realized that she always meant it, because she still tells me I'm beautiful even though I'm a complete stranger to her now. It goes to show how much of a kind individual she is and always has been. Last time I saw her she had a really cute moment with my grandfather at lunch: she was complaining about how she doesn't have a boyfriend and my grandfather said "I'll be your boyfriend." She looked so happy and flattered and it looked like Grandpa was happy to just make her smile. I can't imagine how he must have felt in that moment though, knowing the person you've been married to for decades had forgotten that entire relationship.
My grandmother has dementia and before it got bad my family all 6 of us would go visit her in the nursing home and play snakes and ladders with her and I would bring my toy cat collection. But then she started to get worse and started to forget and not remember us. First few of us would visit her at the same time and then just my Mam. With covid and not seeing her she has definitely forgotten us now. I was pretty young when she went into the nursing home so I don't rly have any memories of her at her home with grandad or her when she was rly herself which makes me so upset
@@elainethompson9057 Your story is really depressing. I can not imagine not knowing how your grandma actually was as a person. I have never met my grandfather, because he died before I was born. But I'm glad that he died before I came into the world, instead of him being alive and slowly forgetting who I was.
Imagine it's 50 years from now. You're actually suffering from this terrifying disease, while the song hums and melodies of stage 1 start to fade in and out. You think where the songs you remember were from. You just shrug it off and tell it's just a burning memory.
The worse part in all of this is that people with dementia probably don’t even remember having dementia and the fact we all fear having it for now but when some of us will get it we won’t be terrified at some point cause we’ll just forget about it
Then we slowly forget, how to chew, how to walk, how to read. I saw somewhere in the comments, in some point you forget how to breathe, leading you to your death.. but of course you wouldn’t be scared, you won’t know what that feels like..
This whole album is like when you say a word over and over again until it doesn't even sound like a word anymore. Stage one being when you first say the word and it sounds fine, stage 3 is when you start stuttering and pausing, and stage six being when you aren't even sure if you're speaking English anymore.
I used to have a friend with childhood Alzheimer’s that was already stage 5 when he met. He told me that he went to a doctor recently and the doctor said that he had the worst case of memory loss she’d ever seen in a person his age. I would help him remember the names of cartoons and animals that he loved. He eventually began to think that he was a dimension traveler stuck on a weird Earth and his parents in this world were poisoning him. In his final days he would listen to this just to feel something. Wherever you are, I miss you, you little space cadet
My grandfather has dementia. He can't remember anything, but whenever I come over and say hi to him, he still smiles at me. He hasn't forgotten how to be happy. He hasn't forgotten to love. He is a great person. He will always be in my heart. -Edit: he has sadly passed away a couple of months ago. It was devastating to my family. We will always remember him. I’m sorry for not updating the comment for a couple of months, because I had other priorities. Rest in paradise grandpa.
My grandfather is slipping badly. He lives many states away and I know i will most likely never see him again. When i spoke to him on the phone recently he was able to remember my name, but was very lost and scrambled many things up. I can only imagine what both of our grand dads are going through right now.
My grandfather died two years ago and also had dimentia but fortunately for him, it was only very severe for about a year before he died. On his last days he still remembered me but was very confused and aggressive towards everybody, wanted us to just leave him alone. Sadly, my grandma who still lives also has the first symptoms of dimentia and keeps forgetting stuff she said one minute ago, yet she's in some kind of loop and recalls irrelevant topics about her past at the same time like it just happened.
I understand your pain man. My grandpa has dementia as well, but that's not the worst part. When I was much younger like 5-6 I always thought he was a bad guy because he was trying to look after the best way he could, and now after 2 years after he got diagnoised with dementiahe can barely walk. And the saddest thing is I'll tell him I'm sorry for what I've done but he won't understand it. And now me, my grandma and my dad are trying to take the best care of him as we can.
It's not hard to understand how Robin Williams, noticing the dementia setting in, would choose to end his own life rather than forget everyone he loves
I didn't actually know about that... it makes me feel a little bit better, because everyone will remember him for what he was, not what dementia would have made him be...
my grandma is currently suffering from dimentia. she lives a state away but my mom frequently contacts her. she's starting acting a lot more childish. she's already mixed up what gender i am and my mom and aunt's names. this... I'm terrified. listening to the last song here and just feeling nothing but emptiness and loneliness. nobody's there. you wander aimlessly in your mind looking for something to think... but it's an empty hallway, waiting for you to eventually stop walking. my grandma's on that hallway. we took her to dinner a few months ago, to get out of the nursing home. that might be the last bit of happiness she'll ever know, and that pains me to think about. i love you grandma.
I’m sorry you have to go through this bro. If she does pass or her thoughts wander too far to remember stuff I hope stuff gets better for you stranger🫶
Although people don’t realize it, forgetting is the scariest thing that could happen to you. All your efforts, loved ones, and passions gone to waste through forgetting. You’re surrounded by people you’re supposed to know, but you know none of them. The thought of that will terrify you, only to reset once you forget you’re supposed to know these people around caring for you. It’s now a constant loop of emotional and physical pain, until you inevitably lose everything.
It's terrifying. Stage 5 was when I came to this realization; it's depressing, and scary. It's chaos, and confusion. Stage 6 is the bitter defeat, the acceptance that you've already lost everything. There's no hope.
@@kmelons imagine having to remember extremely bad memories, I said in *some* cases not all, and those some cases like having memories of being raped, war, shooting, losing loved ones, it hurts
“dude dementia isn’t scary” okay but, your mind turns against you, you forget everything that you do. you forget everything, you don’t die with honor, you die with nothing edit: a link with the words “6 hours of depression :)” sent me here, I shouldn’t have clicked on it but I’m glad it’s something not bad
@@da_julster5805 Do you remember what life was like 200 years ago? 5 years in the future? No. You've already experienced the nothingless void so why are you so afraid?
My grandma had Alzheimer's when I was a baby, and eventually she forgot my mom but she always remembered me. My mom became "the lady with the baby" to grandma. I can only imagine how painful it must have been to hear that from your own mother.
i found myself coming back to this four years after i discovered it because my grandma was diagnosed with dementia yesterday. she basically raised me and i tried to deny the subtle signs of her mental decline as just her getting old, but it hasn’t been the same for about two years. knowing that i’ll have to watch her slowly fade away when she has so much more life to live just hurts.
enjoy her in these first stages, ask her how was her life in general and etcetera, hope all goes slow, and maybe you get a few more years of her being there.
My Grandma (we called her GG) had some form of dementia from when I was around 6 to 13 years old until she died. GG essentially raised me until I first went to school. She taught me how to write, she taught me to read, she sung me to sleep, she let me play on the computer whenever I wanted, she was the person that made me the most happy. My parents always said that she was sick, but I never understood. When I was sick, I just got better after a while. But GG only got worse. This bright and loving person just sat perpetually in her chair, only occasionally saying “good gosh” or “oh no” when something happened that upset her. I remember feeling a sad like I’d never felt before, it was like losing a close friend. That is, until she got really bad. At the end, GG didn’t speak. She didn’t even look like she could see you. She just sat in her chair. Silently. That was when I stopped feeling sad, in fact, I stopped feeling anything about her at all. GG was one of the most important people in my life for a long time, yet when she died I felt nothing. I didn’t even cry at her funeral and I hated myself for it. Why couldn’t I cry for my own Grandma? This album told me why. The first third reminded me of who GG was and the rest reminded me of who GG wasn’t. She might have been alive until I was 13, but she had been gone for a long time. I had lived so much of my life with her as a non-person, that was now how I saw her. This album transcends art, it is emotion itself. It masterfully recreates one of the hardest emotions to describe. Losing yourself is terrifying, but watching someone lose themselves is one of the most drawn out and scarring experiences you can possibly imagine. Every time I listen to this album I break down crying. I just want to say goodbye to her. But maybe one day I did. I just didn’t know it.
i don't share a very similar story, but my grandma had dementia and i was never really upset by it, i didn't cry at her funeral either. after listening to this album 3 times, i cry every time i see her picture. i want to say goodbye too. i hope i'll see her again some day.
Dude this comment actually is straight from the core and has some deep meaning. I wish it had more than just 65 likes. I can’t believe youtube comments could make me question everything that ever is to be and was all at once whilst simultaneously losing yourself in the process. What I feel is hard to explain and I feel that what I just said is not accurate but feels as if it is so.
I’m so sorry for your loss, that’s got to be one of the most horrible things to experience. I hope you know that she’s at peace now, and she is free from that awful disease. I think that as dementia patients pass on, their spirit and memories rejoin as they leave their physical self that harbors the actual illness :-) even if not, she’ll live on in your memories until “the end of time”
This crap really makes you realize how scary Dementia can be. At first, you probably don’t even know you have it. Just imagine, your brain slowly deteriorating, all your memories slowly being forgotten, not remembering who your family and friends are.
My grandfather is in the early stages of dementia, he has been showing up to the doctors when they are closed, going to the bank asking for the nurse, forgetting to take his medicine. I am trying my best to learn about how to cope with family members suffering from this terrible disease.
Stay strong,you all should spend time with him until he dies Also,i dont know if you believe but Jesus can help you all,including him,maybe not heal his condition if it is not on his will,but save him on the final day
honestly the first stage is kind of scary. everything seems normal but really it’s just the same section playing over and over because you’re forgetting the rest but you don’t realize it
thats what i noticed too. and in stage 2 the songs sort of start to lose a sense of time. theyre the correct notes, just placed randomly through time because you vaguely remember it
Flash back from last night I fell asleep while listening to this and when I say I was terrified when I woke up and I was in the middle of stage 3 I did not get much sleep the rest of that night I became paranoid I also started to resent the fact that this could happen to anyone you could have the best family ever the best life and bam ur diagnosed with dementia now as time goes on u slowly lose that burning flame that kept you going just thinking about the amount of misery that would bring ur loved ones terrorized me last night I could not lay in my bed with my own thoughts I had to talk to someone to bring me comfort because it was just that bad I’m not even a sad person my mental fortitude is rather strong but the combination of it being late and reading these depressing comments of past cases really messed with me I didn’t even get too stage 4 I just could not I spooked myself too much to even try and keep going
it's funny how the earlier parts have so many chapters, and the late parts are long, uneasy segments. really hits home that once easily distinguishable memories melt together into an uncomfortable mess.
It's funny, your comment... Barely known, easily... *f o r g e t a b l e* haha! It's like it's, its- I KNOW! *I t s* *j u s t* *a* *b u r n i n g* *m e m o r y*
I hate that this comment was already liked for me, I knew I listened to the first 10 minutes before but I've been scrolling for half an hour and just now saw it again, feels really strange yet not
It also makes those later stages feel so much longer. All of the stages are roughly the same length, but as I listen to stages, 4 5 and 6, it just feels so stretched. Long. I think this can be taken both ways. It forces the listener to be in the present, just as all dementia patients are forced to be. They can't recall anything, they can't make plans for the future. They are forcibly stuck in the present. I also feel like this is meant to symbolize the long, long process of seeing one of your relatives fall to this disease. The first 2 stages could be mistaken as memory loss and motor control loss due to old age, and those times seem to go by so quickly before you realize that there is a problem. Stage 3 comes around and it feels just as fast, but you know there's a problem now and the air is melancholy. Past that, though, and days for those caring for the dementia patient can feel long and tiring. You see slightly more decline every day, every week, every month, every year, until the person is trapped under layers of fog, most likely never to return.
Thanks for the support through the years. May the ballroom remain eternal. C'est fini.
i love you. and thank u, i'm full of goosebumps as the realization that this is over is settling in. forever grateful.
Love this
C'est nous qui te remercions pour toutes ces années de découvertes musicales magnifiques. Merci encore
very nice. thanks
Thanks, so much.
imagine listening to this for the first time and scrolling through the comments just to find a comment you wrote years ago
Thats scary.
What a heart stopping thought.
Okay, that's fucking terryfing.
thanks, im scared to scroll now.
Made me scared-
They say music is the last thing you remember when suffering from dementia. So if I get dementia and this is the only album I remember I'm going to be pissed.
“My mind will be gone soon... at least I’ll have some sweet tunes.” *VIOLENT STATIC AND DEEP DISTORTIONS BEYOND COMPREHENSION*
@@melorsomething1006 imagine you humming this song...
Murilo Gomes I think you need a very specific amount of vocal fry for that lmao.
All the people in the nursing home singing wap🥰
@@skskdkdkwekekkd2347 wfwewfweewfwfw LMAO
The fear of memory loss is so hard to put into words. You can live out a whole fulfilling life and by the end you haven't lived a single day.
Such a poignantly devastating way to describe it. You did so perfectly.
This comment makes me cry
It won't happen if you make sure to be miserable the whole way long. Just wall to wall of letting it all go as your frustration on not doing anything to feel alive leads you to nowhere.
Amazing description
This one. This comment made me realize how horrifying it is.
This is incredibly hard for me to write.
3 years ago I listened to this album as an outside observer. I had never had any personal experience with dementia, and decided to listen to the album out of curiosity. But, that changed. 2 years ago my great grandma got sick. Deathly ill. They brought her to the hospital and held her for weeks. Her condition was somewhat stable, but she was very ill and the doctors hardly got any results. One day, a doctor made the idiotic decision to give her a medicine meant to make drug addicts calm down. From that moment she was confused. She was hardly lucid anymore, her condition was worsening rapidly. What started as a sickness lead to a severe mental block. But soon thanksgiving rolled around and she just... decided to get better! She was lucid again, she could walk and talk and her sickness cleared up. She was allowed to come home for thanksgiving, and helped cook dinner. She started living with her daughter, my grandma, but she was back to normal. We thought that was it. However, this recovery was not permanent, and she soon started to deteriorate again... She would start to get confused.. She became weaker, and would need help with basic actions like walking. She still remembered her family. She still remembered me.
Over the course of 2023 and 2024 mamaws dementia made itself known. Early this year she had to be put into a nursing home because grandma just couldn't take care of her on her own anymore. She slowly became more confused. But I was living my own life, and wasn't around her very often at this point. I would visit on occasion, but the travel distance made it hard to see her. My mom would take me to go visit her every so often, and she would still remember me.
During the summer in 2024, I made my last few visits with her. She kept calling me by my uncles name, but I was used to that because she had always called me by his name for my whole life. The next time I came to visit however, broke me. I was there with my parents and my grandma to see her. We were telling stories, and then she starts talking about me. This moment is incredibly difficult to put into text, and the deep pain it caused me is indescribable. She tells us about how she was babysitting me as a baby just recently. My family say that I'm not a baby and point to me, who is almost an adult. This confuses her, and she can't comprehend the fact that I am grown. She doesn't know who I am. She still loves me but has no idea who I actually am. This woman, my great grandma, who helped raise me from the day I was born, was always there for me, and who I have always loved and have always had in my life. From my earliest memories.
She didn't know who I was anymore. And at this very moment I finally faced reality. Her dementia was real. I lost my great grandma in that moment. The pain was unbearable, the horror was unbearable, it was incomprehensible, I couldn't handle it. We went to her home and helped move out all her old furniture. This was also deeply painful. Her home emptied, this one place I've known my whole life, thats stayed the same since my very earliest childhood, emptied. She was going to die. I couldn't bear visiting her anymore because the pain was too great. I abandoned her in her final days because I personally couldn't handle the pain and I deeply regret not being there for her.
Just 3 weeks ago, this december, 2024, 3 weeks before christmas, during the lead up to my semester finals, I got the news. She died.
I was mourning her before he even died and yet I still could never have been prepared for this moment.
She's gone. I miss my mamaw. Why did it have to be this way.
I am in mourning. My december this year has been nothing but pain.
My perspective on this album has changed dramatically. I weep while listening to it.
One week ago we had the funeral.
I miss her more than you could ever know.
Merry Christmas, I hope yours was better than mine.
12/25/24
I'm so sorry. I can only imagine how much that hurts.
We see you 🫂
I read your story and I hope today is easier than yesterday. Wishing you peace and comfort.
Merry Christmas, poor soul. May she rest eternally in peace. For God who art in heaven shall keep her company.
Merry christmas...
You know, most of the stuff that you mentioned here aligns well with the situation between my grandma and the rest of the family.
She is still in the early stages, i think.. but i am actually starting to get worried because it's getting worse.
Before all of this, she got in a pretty severe accident that had lead to an operation being made on her, and the anesthesia got her to this point.
It makes me infuriated and disappointed that i can't do anything but experience how her mind decays. What makes it worse is that i am still right in this house with her, and i've felt this sensation from her that she just doesn't see me as a family member anymore.
I was raised by her, i tried and got close to her in every second that i could. Now i get to see how she forgets about it all.
She also started acting childish 2 years ago, which really got on my nerve. She starts parroting, she constantly puts herself on danger for curiosity's sake, and she gets incredibly upset over the smallest things in the world.
I just need help to handle this situation correctly, because now i am confused and scared. I don't wanna lose her, even though i will, i just don't want to. I barely got in my teen years and i don't want to see her fade away from the world..
“When an old man dies, a library burns" -African proverb
If you'd like to, volunteer at an old folks' home, or just chat with an elder if you can. Odds are with a life as long as they have lived, they'll have plenty of wild stories they'd love to share, and in turn you can pass those on too.
man
Good one
When old men die I get mad and burn down a library
That's one of the most stunning quotes I've ever heard. I've never been more terrified for the journey that is ageing than I am now, having just turned 25, my brain set. I'm now off to learn everything on my own terms. One day, everything I learned, all the science stuff I dedicated my hours to over and above my homework for some cause I felt more important than anything, will suddenly evaporate. Or... slowly, slowly begin to untangle into senseless nothingness.
As my friend’s grandparent once said; “don’t worry about keeping me alive, I died a few years ago’
The more I think about it the more dark and fucked it becomes, am I looking to deep into this?
@@surprisetroll5700 nah you're doing the right thing
@ Strange isn't it? I remember my grandmother's brother, who had quite advanced dementia; on the night of my grandmother's passing, told his caretaker another relative, that he saw his sister and that she was well. Moments later, back to his usual self as if nothing was said. A strange occurrence for me at the time, a young boy of 10 maybe. The lines between life and death, lucidity and composure all seemed to blur together. Perhaps he wasn't an addled old mind, perhaps he did indeed see his sister as she left this earth . Our minds are so much more powerful than we know, which is why I fear we know so little about combating diseases like dementia. I must admit, I am both fascinated and horrified by such diseases. Thank you for your comment.
@@rouamili another blank
that’s deep-
The thought of your parents getting dementia is absolutely gut wrenching.
it sucks, my mum has it :(
@@jazzhehe damn bro im sorry
Feel that. My father had a Stroke in December. A few weeks back I asked him if he was OK, as I usually do, he said good though he would forget things from time to time. I don't know if its dementia or not, but im terrefied right now. Writing that down is comforting but next time I'll see him the thought will hit again, as it did all the times since he said it. Thanks, if you took the time reading this. Stay Strong and keep your head up :)
I had the thought of my mom getting it, and my heart hurt. It was like a tensing, cramped up feeling. Just the thought brings me pain.
My grandma has schizofrenia and bipolar disorder, and my grandpa cardiac diseases, he's half deaf and has alzheimer
It really sucks dude... And they aren't even my direct parents
One day my mom called me and said "I must be going mad, I can't find my favorite channel on the TV". Nothing big, it happened pretty often, channels change numbers, getting replaced by other channels, the auto search could mess up the order, and so on. I took the TV remote and entered the number of her favorite news channel. It was there, nothing had changed. I looked at my mom and saw terror on her face, she pointed at the TV remote and said "You switch channels with this thing? I was trying to do it by this" and showed me her phone. That was the beginning.
Part 2?
@ I don’t think you need it, it’s a typical story about progressing illness which stars suddenly and makes someone a shallow husk, a shadow of previous self.
i hope your doing okay man, seeing your mother like that must be devastating
@@deadlytoxicwaste NGL I was in terrible condition because her last years were combined with a Russian invasion, so I had to deal with that also. Dragging her all the way down into the shelter, explaining to her why we were there and not in a warm apartment. The power outage made everything worse, dragging her way back to the 10-th floor was not an easy task. In the end, her cancer decided to come back, and we both got coronavirus. And not ending siren on the street. After she died I had to spend a lot of time and money on therapy.
im glad to hear your in therapy now, hope everything goes smoothly for you.
My great grandpa forgot who my mom and sister were. But he remembered me. Laying in the hospital bed. “How’s ol Carson” I was only 7 and I didn’t realize I was his only person. The only person that was left in his world.
this lowk made me tear up 😔
same shit happened with my great granmom, like exact same shit bruh
damn im ok, he meant you though i guess
The same shit happened to my great great grandmother
But I don’t think she remembered my grandma or her grandchildren
this pushed me over the edge fuck
This feels like when your reading but you keep accidently rereading the same paragraph. But you keep doing it until you cant understand the words anymore.
Its like photocopying the same image until its just static and nothing makes sense
That's a great metaphor...
From looking into dimensia it seems as though that is exactly what it is like. The familiar becomes unfamiliar and what might seem like reality is uncertain to you
@@limeangelo6019 there was a project like that on Instagram but it was screenshotting
I thought i was the only one this happened to... i wonder what that's called.
I just wrote a very long message about my feelings on this and then UA-cam crashed, deleting all of it. Seems appropriate
I feel you
Okie
Damn you okay man?
pog
I'm sorry for your loss
I once volunteered at a retirement home and met the sweetest elderly lady. She had completely forgotten her husband, but he still came around now and then to keep her company. Despite her memory loss, she was still deeply in love with him. One day, after he left, she looked at me with such a gleam in her eye and said, "I think I have the biggest crush on him, he’s just so handsome. Do you think he’ll come by again?" It was simultaneously the sweetest and most depressing thing I've witnessed to date.
I used to read to a man who had Alzheimer’s when I was younger. Read for him for about a year and a half until he passed away. At first he just confused me for his nephew and asked me why I had skipped some parts which I had read to him on previous weeks. After that he would forget about me entirely, so I had to introduce myself every time I went, just for him to think I was his nephew a few minutes later. This went on for a while, with him starting to speak less and just closing his eyes and holding my hand as I read. At one point his wife went to visit him as I was going and he only recognized me, (as his nephew) which made me really sad. Later on, he wouldn’t even speak, as he had forgotten how. Every time I would leave he would look at me with such a sad look, with half dead eyes, as if longing for something. He always held my hand as I read, always looked at me as I left. That look he had still gives me chills to this day. It’s honestly both one of the best and most terrifying experiences I’ve had in my life, and being the person who interacted with him the most, (aside from the nurses) I grew attached to him to the point where I would look forward to going to read to him. His death really hit me hard, but I can’t imagine what his wife went through, from being the most important person in his life to being forgotten completely.
Now I’ve gotta say if you’ve read all of this then I admire and thank you for reading some of my old memories kind stranger.
No problem. Did he have the same few minutes of clarity at the end? I heard that once their time is up a few minutes beforehand they have their Alzheimer’s just disappear then finally rest.
@@PenPen-xy3xd I don’t know, when I went to see him last he was sleeping
This made me cry why does life have to be so cruel
This comment is so bitter sweet.
I'm crying and I'm so sorry
Imagine walking into a new house only for someone to tell you that you have lived there for 10 years
"The hell do you mean this wonderful house is our house, why is such a fine lady like you telling me this, are you seducing me perhaps?"
“Im your daughter, dad.”
this is what happens with my uncle, and i feel so bad for him.. he even asks my aunt who she is and when she says they have been married for 30 years he gets so happy and he says "really? thats mind boggling.." and he smiles so wide, but even though re-knowing makes him happy, i cant help but feel so sad for him..
@@foyotey9305 im so sorry.
@@foyotey9305 that is so sad. I’m at so sorry for you
"The worst part of dementia isn't the fact that you can't remember, but that you forgot you even needed to."
made it so its no 420 likes
I'd argue that that would actually make it not as bad.. imagine remembering that you need to remember but not being able to, the frustration that would come with that. Not remembering that you need to remember somehow seems more peaceful.
@@karlchilds8421 That's the thing. You no longer even feel the need to get back that piece of yourself that you lost. It's an empty bliss, which, in my opinion, is the most terrifying thing of all.
@@karlchilds8421 that's IMO the point of the name of the first song in stage 6: "A confusion so thick you forget forgetting". In a sense, the confusion in stage 5 was somewhat of a tiny ledge to hold on to. the realization that something is wrong and that things are not adding up. Stage 6 is just droning. No more realization that you're sick. No more comprehension as to what started confusion in the first place, so you stop being confused. The confusion is so thick that you forget forgetting. And that's the part where all is lost.
or you don't even know you just did. you've no clue whatsoever.
Not that anyone will probably end up reading this, but when this first came out years ago I listened and didn’t really have too much real appreciation for it aside from the good things people have said about it, but now that’s changed, my grandma is entering the beginning stages of dementia and is forgetting things quite often, I don’t think she’s yet realized anything’s wrong. It’s hard, but listening to this again is really somber, for a lack of better words, and I have a huge appreciation for this now. As I’m writing this, I’m about to enter stage four of the album. Thank you, very much for reading.
UPDATE: As it turns out, she doesn’t have dementia rather the things causing her lapses in memory is her medicine. (Just to explain she’ll have been told something in the afternoon and then forget a few hours later. Constantly flipflopping me and my brother’s name, things of that effect.) Either way, it turned out well, and I thank the 9 people who’ve taken the time to read this so far.
I'm sorry man, hope she gets better!
I hope everything is okay soon.
Everything will be fine.
God bless you and your grandma
Holy shit I'm so fucking glad your grandma's gonna be ok. That was I bad ass scare I'm guessing
"Post Awareness Stage 6 is without description" is by far the most terrifying thing I've ever read.
Its unnerving, the most terrifying and heart wrenching thing i’ve ever heard, listening to it makes me pause and think about memories I had long forgotten. It genuinely scares me, there is a feeling I can’t quite place in the pit of my chest, its like my chest is freezing and twisting uncontrolably.
Its an unorthodox loop of memories that have come and gone, times I wish I had spent with people that valued my time and being, times I wish I hadn’t cried, all in one song, one stage.
I still don't fully understand the meaning of the title
@@lcdream4213 The entire video is about the stages of dementia, the final stage is “without a discription” because at that point, in the final stage, everything that you once knew, anything you could have done or explained, is gone. You don’t recognize anything but a hazy memory that doesn’t seem quite right, so, if you put yourself into the music, and you would go with it, you would see and feel the fear and the feeling of loosing all of your memories.
You would forget how to describe simple things, hence, “Post Awareness Stage 6 is without description”
In this stage, you can only hear fragments of notes, distant footsteps, and white noise. The picture only emphasizes the emptyness, a blank canvas.
The video makes you think, well, it makes me think, and being a good visualizer, it makes it more surreal. I hope this helped
@@Jaymark895 in the descriptions are the timestamps.
That's like no comments on steroids
One of the hardest things you’ll ever have to do is grieve the loss of a person who’s still alive.
my grandma has worsening dementia, and this comment mortified me.
@@saenz1295 stay strong👊
@@saenz1295 same. My grandma doesn’t even recognize her own children. But I hope when both of our grandmothers die, they are happy in heaven
My best friend that I ever had experienced an onset of schizophrenia at 19, and lost his personality and perception of the world almost entirely. He was replaced by somebody else. I remember struggling so hard with it, and panicking and severing connections with him after his family moved him away. The closest way I could describe my feelings of this was to tell people it felt like he died. This was five years ago. Reading your words here today struck something in me and I started crying. I think you captured my thoughts and emotions on this experience perfectly.
Cherish the moments with the people that you love. Don't waste time. You don't know how much of it you actually have.
@@trec713 i’m so sorry you had to experience that. i’m sure you must’ve felt extremely horrible. i really hope it gets better for you. i really do. i know i can’t do much through a computer screen, and i may not be able to relate as i’ve never gone through that. things will be ok. stay strong.
My mom told me once that my great grandma had dementia. She said they had to take all the mirrors out of the house because she was scared of the person who was in them.
That. That is true fear.
If you cant bear to see the person in your mirror. Then you are getting close to where if you see a simple picture of you... it's just jumbled shapes and parts put together.
That's terrifying...
@@peyton3509 when I look in the mirror I always see a super ugly person /s
@@tracyday4104 That’s terrifying. Forgetting the familiar human form we see every day, looking completely alien
yes same with my grandad he would get really frustrated because he thought an old man was following him. i think its mainly because they regress so they think they are younger. it’s terrifying what your own brain can do to you, he would watch tv but he thought that the people were actually there with him like he would tell us about his trips to new york because there was a tv programme about new york ect
i wanted to share a wholesome memory to cheer up the comment section. i lost my great grandpa to alzheimer’s when i was seven years old, and i don’t have many memories of him due to my young age. well im turning 19 soon, and i went to visit family in hawaii (staying with my uncle). he has an older friend, and her husband has dementia. we took him out on a little date. we walked the shops along the coast in kona, he loves live music. the first place we stopped we were unable to get a table, but he wandered around and found some old ladies to dance with which were very kind. we watched him from a distance, not able to get inside the restaurant (he was on the “inside”). anyway, he came back awhile later. and asked me to dance with him. he was so gentle and sweet and kept saying “you’re doing so good honey.” i’d never danced in front of a whole restaurant like that, but it was fun and also a little scary. but it made him so happy i was so grateful i did that. when he’d get sick of the music we’d get up and go to the next restaurant, this continued on. and eventually we took him home at night. he hasn’t progressed super far into his memory loss. but he didn’t remember my uncle who he’s known for many years prior. anyway. i’m so grateful i danced with him. i wasn’t sure how to interact with him at first. but it was sweet. the entire time we were away he kept mentioning his wife and how we wanted to get home to her. i admired his wife. when i looked at him, i saw past that look of seemingly nothing in his gaze. into a man who someone has fallen in love with, who wanted to start a family with him. they both made a commitment to love until death, beyond that. in sickness and in health. and she kept it. all i could think about is how loved that man is.
He may not remember, but everyone around who loved him forever will. Thanks for a beautiful story, I needed this after reading on the verge of tears.
@@duck-loves-tea aww thank you for reading, i’m glad it touched you 🥹🫶
this is amazingly beautiful. Never stop dancing, Arielle.
Never browsed a single video’s comments section for 6 hours before.
I too have been browsing this comment section in hopes to stop my adhd from clicking away
Bit of a shame, all of the different stages have different artwork and it's pretty nice.
666th like
*_I'm sorry. Had to do it_*
N. J. same man
fellow traveler here, in the middle of stage 5 and this is keeping me sane frankly, I’ve found a lot of things I would never have ever before tonight
it’s crazy everyone is talking about how they feel listening to it, it’s only six hours, imagine this strung out across the remaining years of your life
Rightt
Time is not real. It is the imagination of our senses.
@@pittolikeditto well in a sense time is real. Time is a construct to wrap our brains for a period of it. Time is a length that needs to be overcome by barriers to stay afloat. Hence why nothing is the same length (60sec,60 min, 24 hours) its all just to help us understand the world better in a way that makes sense. The fact that this whole album could be a throwback to the 1930's really puts you in a loop thinking you are also 80+ years old which is the starting signs. If we didn't have those times to calculate we wouldn't understand anything. So even though time itself doesn't exist it exists in relativity.
Exactly. It makes you think of what your life is and treasure every second of it.
Wait so the sounds are supposed to be dementia itself or the feelings u experience
If you're lucky, your mind will die with your body.
Yeah I'm hoping that's what happens
i always thought id just kill myself if i was the last person alive but now i feel like i would just forget that there was any people ever before i could bring myself to do it
*unlucky
Morgan Kasper ?
Morgan Kasper He means if your lucky your mind will not fade away until your body dies. With dementia, the mind dies ahead of the body, slowly withering away until nothing. The hope is that your mind won’t go until your body does.
I’ve listened to this since I was in high school, I’m in my PhD now. I’ll never forget watching my grandma pass away, she raised me since birth and played a big role in my life since my parents weren’t very mature, she was the most like a parent to me.
She passed when I was 20, a month away from 21, I’m 22 now. I’ll never forget the last two weeks, though she didn’t have dementia but pancreatic cancer, I still witnessed her memory fade in these final two weeks of her life.
About a week before she passed she could hardly speak, and I just remember she had her head on my head and we both couldn’t stop crying, because she was like a best friend to me. The reason I ever even became a musician in the first place was because of her.
I remember she had told me for years that she wanted to live long enough to see me get married, and the reality that she wouldn’t get to hit both of us quite hard.
In the final days when she couldn’t talk, I knew music would be one of the last avenues for me to connect with her. So I took all of my pain and trauma from this experience and wrote a short 1-2 minute symphonic suite on MuseScore 4 where the melody was a Korean lullaby she sang to me growing up. (She grew up born and raised in South Korea around the time of the war)
I’ll never forget her making a noise and humming along to the tune of the lullaby, it touched my heart in a way nothing else had before.
In her final day, she was twitching a lot, meaning and groaning, I just lied with her. My mother and I had to help her use the toilet by her bed, and that’s when I watched her life leave, as she couldn’t get back on the bed because she was no longer with us.
I remember realizing that she might have passed but I wasn’t 100% sure, so I said Ga, (I called her Ga), I said it again more urgently, a couple more times and no response, I lift up her arm and it just flops down, my mom starts screaming and crying, she was gone.
What made all of this more difficult was my mom being emotionally abusive during these last two weeks and final days, I know she was lashing out because her mom was passing but this is the same woman who told me to kill myself when I was 15, and the only reason I was there was not for her but because of Ga, the only loving supportive family member I really trusted.
It’s 2025, I’m in the U.K. now studying Quantum Computer Music, I know Ga would be proud if she were still around, I’m estranged from both my parents for many reasons, just many inappropriate behaviors that shouldn’t have happened, so I continue on my journey through life, keeping in mind all I have shared above.
As painful and detrimental as Ga’s passing was for me, part of me felt relieved knowing she was no longer in pain, and I was just so grateful that I was there. I was so busy like 20+ credit hours I believe that semester in uni, but somehow the day she passed everything cleared up schedule wise, I don’t believe in Christianity anymore since I’m agnostic now but if there is a God, it felt they gifted me that day to be with her.
Then as a coping mechanism that same day she passed hours later, I emailed my professors letting them know what happened and that I wouldn’t be in class tomorrow and asked for extensions on my current assignments. One of my assistant instructor’s who was particularly cold didn’t even address her passing and just asked when I would be back in class and could turn in said assignment, I can’t express how upset this made me. Luckily everyone else in my academic/friend circles around me was supportive.
Thanks for reading all of this, if anyone does, either way it’s etched into this digital stone. If there are any questions about what I wrote, I feel open to answering them. If you’ve experienced similar to me in various ways, I’m sorry, and I hope you find joy elsewhere in life.
Im sorry for that,i just dont understand why you are agnostic now,but if you dont want to talk about it or even respond to me its fine,i hope everything works out to you
Even if you dont believe it,i hope God bless you on your way in this life :)
@ Hello, I have no issue explaining or with you asking! It’s a personal perspective of course, and by no means do I want anything I’m about to say to be considered rude or offensive to those that do follow Christianity but I’ll talk about some of my roadblocks.
Most of my departure from faith derived from a lack of believing some of the core beliefs of the Christian faith. Such as, well I do believe Jesus Christ was a real human at some point based on various archaeological evidence (though this is debatable itself), but do I believe that he was resurrected after death or turned water into wine? I know these are popular examples, but it didn’t sit well deep within me to just “have faith” that non-scientific occurrences like these happened.
I desperately wanted the narrative of my life to fit both faith and science, and I’m sure it’s not impossible, but I kept noticing contradiction after contradiction and that balance become more and more difficult.
For example in my life, almost every Christian I’ve ever talked to hyper-fixate on the New Testament compared to the Old Testament, even when more of the confusing, difficult, and controversial passages were in the writings of the Old Testament, foundational to the beliefs of Christianity.
I know it’s natural to question faith, but why is it that I’ve never been to a church that digs into The Book of Judges? That book isn’t fun to talk about, but I perceived many Christians turning away from more controversial and difficult passages for the ones you typically hear about in church.
It boiled down to this: In my time as a Quantum Research Scientist, I’ve realized that the “big questions” such as, why are we here, how do we define consciousness, what happens after death, are perhaps some of the most complex and complicated questions philosophically that exist… and I couldn’t help but see Christianity and faith in a broader sense, so religion in general to be a simpler answer to a question that is way more complicated and complex than any of us can grapple.
Not to imply religion is simple, it’s not, there are many passages and themes I found enormously complex and intellectually stimulating, but take after death as an example, I have no solid scientific reason to believe that heaven or hell exist. And more often than not, I’ve watched Christians be limited in this life just to justifying behaviors by, oh well Jesus and my family is waiting for me in heaven, but what if Stephen Hawking was right? That death is like a computer shutting off, and we loose all senses and this is it?
I don’t mean that to sound bleak, but doesn’t this perspective, a more scientifically based one that fits my belief of agnosticism, give more emphasis to our current living self? As in, if I believe this is truly all we get in life, and once we die it’s all over, I see that as motivation to experience as much of living this life as I can.
And sure Christians can tell me well, heaven isn’t guaranteed, but if all sins can be repented for, how does this NOT create even a subtle reliance on the greatness of heaven after this life?
Not to mention the issue of sexual abuse in many churches, and as we all know the Catholic Church is unfortunately notorious for this, as are many cults. Religion and faith don’t happen in a bubble, but they seem to act like they do and we get the sin and darkness of humanity hid behind closed doors, it’s disgusting really.
Whether it was the crusades of the past or the many Christians who voted against their own rights in the U.S. in contemporary American politics, I just couldn’t align myself with the beliefs of Christianity any longer.
This isn’t fun for me to write, I wish I could get 100% with Christianity and make it to heaven but I think I rather spend my time trying to build what “heaven” looks like in the life I get now compared to hoping and having faith for greatness after my life ends.
@alexalani10110 the thing is:the old testament has incredible teachings,but many of the things also got replaced by the New order (it is something like that,i dont remember).
Basically the New order is what followers of Jesus should use to follow him,there are things mentioned again from the old (a example is the 10 rules God made),but aside from what is on the New the violence and more brutal ways from before and long gone,Jesus sacrifice ended all the despair and now gives us a way out from sin.
About the people hiding sin? Well...everyone is gonna have their judgment after Jesus is back,and he said to flee from sexual immorality and his sacrifice was to leave sin,if you see someone say that hides or sin on the open they are not with Jesus,I am not perfect either,i have my struggles.
About faith,this is a bit hard for me to explain,but faith cant conect with science bc it is believing on what you cant see or touch,however,it is your decision if you want to do that or not,have a good day/night
My friend, you are a soul deserving of love. Of course every child deserves a parent equally, but it seems you got a parent that gave you love that you returned to her ten fold.
The story of you and your grandmother was heartfelt, and tragic. I can't help but cry. Still, such as you, I'm glad you got the time you had with her. It seems those final days were very special for both of you.
Good luck to you in your journey of life, and on your trauma from the mother who didn't step up - it sounds hard and I wouldn't wish that upon my worst enemy. I'm sure you can do it, you've already made it through much worse.
Cherish your heart of gold, it's a wonderful trait. ❤
Me: Oh, come on, this isn't that bad.
Me 6 hours later: Post Awareness Stage 6 is without description.
yooo nice just kill me pfp
until the 2 hours mark it's bearable and slow-changing, after that there is a massive jump and its mostly spoopy sounds with bits of recognizable distorted melody, sometimes playing multiple melodies at once
@@dove4965 I skipped through it because I wanted to see what it was like even though I wouldn't be able to find the time to listen to the whole thing continuously. The only way I could describe those later tracks is that it's as if there's a remnant of some kind of musical quality far, far off in the distance, and I tried to grab it, but it kept getting farther and farther away, and there was absolutely nothing I could do about it.
@@dove4965 "spoopy" - love that.
OrangeC7 The cover art for Stage 6 is the back of a painting, unreachable.
the vast majority of people will eventually be forgotten after they die, which is an extremely scary thought, but to forget yourself while still alive is far more terrifying.
I know I'm gonna be forgotten
@@marrakesh_3589 it's just the natural course of things, everyone, even prominent figures in history, will be forgotten at some point. it's sad for sure, being forgotten is a real fear many people have, but everyone changes the world in some way, even by just existing, even when they are forgotten.
@Alex hate to break it to ya bud, but lifes a one way ticket
@Alex so that means that your current life is meaningless and, ¿what's the point of doing anything if when you die you go to a better life
Alex Even if there is an afterlife, it can still be scary that at some point, no one in the real world will remember you. You won’t matter anymore there.
My grandma just told us that today is November 11, 2001. She congratulated my mom on the birth of my brother (who is now 19). Came here to think about that.
im so sorry :(
Oh no...
im sorry hope you feel better
:(
Hope your brother finds comfort in knowing his grandma loved him that much as to remember him.
As someone who’s studying psychology, law, and linguistics I got to say there is a fascinating overlap with this album. We phonetically remember music and melodies the easiest, as they are biologically an easier load to memorize. Hearing the familiar tunes slowly fade and become more distorted, as a representation of patients suffering from dementia, was chilling.
This is Especially true with my own personal experience with the disease. Before my Grandmother died, she flew across the country to live with us. She constantly called me my fathers name (which is my name, but I go by Kenny while my dad goes by Ken) because she didn’t recognize me as a young man (I was 16, and I hadn’t seen her since I was a chubby pre-pubsceent 9 year old. When I realized she was calling me “Ken” not as a nickname, but because she thought I resembled my father in his 20’s, it broke me. I cried in my room for hours and lamented to my father “Will you and Mom not remember us?”. She also called her own daughter (my mom) “Kathy” (this is my mom’s sisters name). It is most disturbing to me that at first, we would gently correct her, before becoming depressed and sad when she would continue to mis identify herself. It went to a point that my name was “Ryan” when I talked to her, and that really fucked with me. I just wanted her to be proud of the children her child raised, but she was so lost. She died in a haze of confusion ans false memories. To see such a strong Matriarch of a family reduced to the mental state of a child ruined me. I wasn’t even sad when she passed, just relieved as cruel as that sounds. It was painful for us, but could you imagine how painful it was for my Grandma Martha? Slowly losing her memories, her identity, her legacy on life she created through her 89 years of life. How I yearn to see her again, and wish that she has regained all of her sharp, witty characteristics, like her humor; In Heaven.
RIP
Martha Delaney
1925-2014.
You are missed and remembered, even a decade later.
I’m very sorry for your loss and sorry that you had to witness your grandma in that state. And I’m sorry that she had to suffer like that. I hope you (as well as her) have found peace.
Rest in Peace, I only ever slightly know how that feels, I had a relative, who I gound out had Alzheimer's and I felt feaful, that was a year or 2 ago, I hope she's doing alright, that's just what I want to tell myself, that she's okay... but I don't know...
My mom felt like she lost her father to dementia. She felt like she regained him after death, as she was left with only memories of his life. bittersweet
rest in peace martha, i hope she knew how loved she was.
Fly high Martha 🕊 You may not have been able to remember yourself, but we all do. 🙏
Listening to the audible decay of the human mind is horrible sleep music
Guess whos listening to this at 4:27 am
That's the best kind of music actually
WillowsStars tbh made me sleep 70x better
I thought, hey... study music? But I'm really sad right now
@@starsnatcher4659 I studied with it (I didn't have 6 free hours) and it wasn't bad! I liked the background noise but you indeed still feel the effects
when your advanced dementia gets interrupted by a Honey ad
this should be the top comment lmaoo
BRUH
Swag moment when Elon Musk's brain chip streams a 5 minute long unskippable ad directly into your dementia ridden grandmother's brain causing her to seize and die
Omg
@@fishsticks8198 LMAO
Nothin' like sitting down and listening to the gradual decline of the human psyche
Lol
Yup, because with no recollection of the past without any form of documentation to prove otherwise, it's like it never happened. It truly is a crazy notion and a harsh reality.
Funny enough, thats what im doing
This is my third time
@@kirbylovesyou2 p.
changed my life. 2020 - 2025 ive been admiring this piece of art. all the tears ive cried while listenting to this masterpiece. truly from my heart, thanks.
i've been listening to it recently as well
My headphones randomly turned off while listening to this and it gave me a god damn heart attack
Happened me like 3 times already and I'm just half way through, gave me a heart attack every time.
my Bluetooth headphones just make a loud "beep" whenever it needs to be charged.
idk what gives me a bigger heart attack than being an hour into this and just hearing a loud beeping noise.
Near the end of it the video stopped to buffer for a second. It was like 4 AM and my heart couldnt take it
pomtree poki UA-cam suggested that I take a break bc I listened for an hour and a half nonstop, but I didn’t notice it pause so I thought the silence was part of the video for a good 2 minutes
@@dishbug it's better than a voice shouting "LOW BATTERY!" in your ear like mine does lmao
I don’t know which is more terrifying anymore... being forgotten or forgetting yourself
Being dead is both. Or neither, if there is an afterlife.
Forgetting yourself is worse.
If you are forgetting yourself then you are being forgotten
But the more I think about it the scarier it seems im just a child and...... I'm sacred of all the stuff that my life has to offer me bad or good I'm.... Scared
The universe will end at some point so everything and everyone will forever be forgotten when it happens.
stage 1.
“you’ve been a bit forgetful this week,” your husband tells you. “is everything okay?” you nod, continuing the search for your keys. ‘old age is getting to me,’ you say, as you’re well aged and memory tends to slip. it’s just some keys. everybody loses keys. you give your granddaughter two cookies instead of one every so often, because you don’t recall giving her the first.
stage 2.
‘what’s the… what’s the word for…’ “hey, are you sure you’re alright?” ‘yeah, yeah, i just… the word for that thing where you… hm.’ you can’t seem to remember that word on the very tip of your tongue. and you can’t remember the name of your granddaughter’s friend, despite seeing her multiple times. you show up to a doctor’s appointment at 3am and wait outside in an overheating car for an hour until the police escort you home. ‘do you remember that, uh… that, uh...’
stage 3.
‘did you hear about the building collapse?’ “...no, where was that?” ‘just down the road from here! the entire building went down! my coworkers and i saw it.’ your daughter and her grandchildren smile and nod along as you ramble about you witnessing a building go down while working in the building you’re currently in. (unbeknownst to you, nothing like this ever happened, and you aren’t an employee at the nursing home.)
stage 4.
when your daughter brings in her two grandchildren, you’re a little confused. you recognize them, you know their faces and that they’re related to you, but their names… their names… what are their names? and why does your daughter keep taking your silverware from your purse? that’s your stuff. (it isn’t. you keep stealing it from the nursing home’s dining room.)
stage 5.
who are these two kids that are visiting you? what’s the name of this younger woman you just barely recognize? what are these stories they keep telling you? where even are you? you wander hopelessly through the halls of this strange building you don’t recognize.
stage 6.
you’re just crossing the threshold. you've been struggling to walk and get yourself dressed lately. you can't recall anything anymore. someone shows you a tiny rectangle that shows two other people, who smile and wave at you, one asking, “how are you, ma?” tears rush to your eyes. you don’t know these people.
alzheimer's is genetic in my family. my grandma is currently entering the sixth stage, and i’m most likely going to get it when i’m older. we didn’t get to see much of the first two stages, as my grandpa used to keep her in order when he was alive. then when he passed, we saw just how forgetful and confused my grandma was. this was basically just her journey through the stages, and i have a vague idea of how the sixth one’s going to go.
looking through the comment section, i saw some stories of loved ones with alzheimer's and dementia, so i decided to share mine. i’m really hoping we can find some way to prevent alzheimer’s, because it sucks to witness my grandma’s slow deterioration. it feels like she died when my grandpa did. and it sucks even worse to know that my mom will most likely have it, and then my sister and i most likely will.
so yeah. good luck, future me.
update: my grandmother passed in august of 2023. it’s incredible she made it so long in her condition, but she was always a very stubborn person. before this disease destroyed her brain, she was a wonderful person, always willing to take on the world just because she could. she was an aggressive businesswoman who refused to be turned down from positions just for being female, showing up to interviews in full suits, challenging everyone’s ideas. she started fading when i was young, so i missed out on most of her personality, but she lives on in her beautiful artworks we keep around the house.
thank you, grandma. rest easy now. see you on the other side. and thank all of you for reading.
That was beautiful
My grandma has it and is in about stage 3-4, I never realized how awful Alzheimer’s is and I hate myself for not realizing the pain she has to endure. A few weeks ago my mom started crying because she didn’t recognize her. She still recognizes me but now I’m terrified. I don’t know anymore. This is so eye opening but not in a good way.
holy shit this was amazing. good luck future you, whoever you are.
wazzbot same my grandpa just got diagnosed with dementia including his anxiety since childhood he was my only father figure in my life he loved me and my sister like nothing else but he’s not himself anymore use to be a stubborn old man now he’s just there and I know time will come where he will not be there anymore but I scared he won’t remember who he was and the people who loved him I don’t know what I’ll do if he forgets and leaves
well every now i then i suggest you prepare your entire life, lets say once a week, to build a huge memento-like recall system, that will if not help you, at least ease the way into this descent of madness. I am a bipolar and if i dont take my meds or if i take to much drug oh boy. Having mental illness is hard.
My Grandma has dementia. It's gotten bad to the point that she had to move to a nursing home, she can no longer look after her self. recently My Grandad past away from blood cancer which was hard for me. My mother and I took my Grandma to the funeral service and we sat down at the front row in the church. She asked my Mother. "Should we save a seat for my husband?" She had forgotten that the service was for her husband. Hearing this just destroyed me in the inside. I remember when she was bright and full of colour and joy. It was scary seeing her mind deuterate as the years went by. I'm happy with the little time I have left with her.
Stay strong man. A couple years ago I lost my grandpa. I can’t imagine what you are going through.
You should really get her out of a nursing home and arrange for her to live with one of the family members instead, or even you.
@@SteweytubeNo, don't make this harder for him buy guilting him. He would have to quit his job and cancel all plans he has to look after her 24/7 for her just to forget all the sacrifices he made every day. These people need 24/7 care at the end and it's honestly rude to push that burden on him when he's already going though this much pain.
@@SteweytubeLike, I don't think she would have wanted him to give up everything for the next few months or years. Jobs, relationships, time with friends, give up on getting an education, to take care of a husk of a person who's mostly gone already. I know if I had dementia, I would make sure that they knew I was OK with being put in a home so they wouldn't have to ruin their lives taking care of me like a newborn baby for a year. If I'm that far gone then just put me somewhere so I don't become an anchor on my hypothetical children or grandchildren
@GamingWithNikolas I never implied ONLY he could watch her. Parts of his family could. Maybe I'm just biased because my grandma lives with my aunt. They even had schedules, so the other aunts could spend night or watch her when my main aunt was busy, and we pulled her out of a nursing home after she suffered a stroke. Nursing homes are scary. Sometimes, those nurses go crazy and abuse the patients, especially if they have dementia or are related to it.
This is like a horror movie made entirely out of sound
It's worse than a horror movie, it's...how do I explain? A horror movie will effect you while it's running, but once it's over and the credits roll, it's over. You may feel some residual anxiety, but for the most part once it's done, it loses its hold on you.
But this? This...will never leave me. _This will never leave me._
@@WobblesandBean It's like a psichological horror
@@WobblesandBean well thats with regular horror, psychological horror stays on you for longer
Not really
Horror movies are short in comparison xd
Also this is way more terrifying than any gore
Its so much worse, its like a nightmare where you can almost run but you cant. Almost see, almost think. But at the same time its so far away. That truly haunts me
I dont want to forget. Jesus fuck. The thought of losing everything that makes me myself is far more terrifying than death.
If I am gonna lose my memories, I'd rather die sooner than live without knowing who anyone is. Feeling like the world is scary and new every 10 minutes. I can't even imagine, I don't want to imagine.
And you'll never even remember the fear you had of forgetting because you forgot
you’d hate a dmt breakthrough then, i thought i was trapped in a never ending loop of what hell would be like while my thoughts of myself and who i was quickly faded until the experience was nothing but what i could only describe and fear and unfamiliarity
@@Lu-vw2tq that sounds like an ego death my guy.
Jesus is a virgin I think
Well there is an old saying "Nostalgia is the Best and Worst Feeling."
it's happiness and sadness
It is one of my favorite emotions
Ngl it is the best and worst feeling 🤔
Old? I remember it's creation like yesterday...
I'd would say it's the best from the worst feelings
6:24:50 The sudden presence of undistorted music after the total chaos and emptiness for most of stage 6 feels like we are reminded that this was a person with full memory recall and emotions displaying unique experiences and personality, and for one moment we are given some semblance of it returning. One last glimpse at the soul before it departs, gave me shivers.
It's likely a manifestation of terminal lucidity, a phenomenon in terminally ill patients where they gain a sudden moment of clarity shortly before death. I interpret this section as the person finally remembering memories from their life through a song which touched their heart shortly before they die.
That, my friend, is a perfect depiction of terminal lucidity, when a dementia patient gains their memories back undistorted, untainted by the grey mist of forgetting, for one final time before the ultimate closing of one's story.
my dad was paralyzed from his left side and he was unable to walk for ten years. he had liver cancer and on top of that, his swallowing system was not working so we used to feed him through a tube. his brain was dying every passing day. he used to say "i hope god will take my body before he takes my mind." he was getting worse and worse. he couldn't even speak. but on his last day, he said my name. i was the only person he remembered. his eyes looked sparkly but lost at the same time. i cannot imagine how he felt at that time. during the days when he was slowly realizing what was happening to him, he said "life is beautiful; yet so scary at the same time." indeed, dad. it is beautiful, yet so scary.
This is breaking me I’m so sorry
I dont have words to say about this after reading it
no one deserves to feel this pain, i am terribly sorry...
This is absolutely heartbreaking. I am so sorry you had to go through this. I hope you and your family are healing from this tragedy.
That's horrible, my grandma has dementia, she doesn't remember if you had given her coffee about 5 seconds ago...
About a year after my great grandpa got dementia, I remember walking into his room at the nursing home once to see him holding his phone, saying “Joe, why won’t you pick up?” And dialing the same number over and over and over again. I said hi to him, and he said, “Oh, hello. Have you spoken with Joe recently?”. I didn’t know who Joe was, but when my Mom came into the room, she pulled me aside for a second. “Joe was the one who set him and your Great Grandma up in their first date, and he was Grandpas best friend”. I asked why he wasn’t answering grandpas calls then, and she told me that Joe had been dead for ten years. And in the next few weeks before he died, he spent hours a day calling Joe over and over again. I visited him often, and we would sit there while he told me about Joe, but every minute or two he would come across a part of a story that he didn’t remember. he would stop and get this confused expression on his face, and then he would look at me and say “Oh dear. Oh, dear.” Then he just continue. The one thing he never forgot was me and my sisters Hershey kisses. Every time we had ever visited him, at least since we were old enough, he would give my sister and i one Hershey kiss each. At his funeral my mom gave me his bag of Hershey kisses, told me to take as many as I like. I took one. I still have that Hershey kiss, sitting in a little jar. I like the think that he’s still there, in that little Hershey kiss. I miss him. I really do miss him.
Dang..that's sad
Dalm I’m speechless 😶 RIP your grandfather and RIP Joe.
i’m so sorry for your loss
Made me tear up
Joe momma
I have very little memories of my grandmother before she was diagnosed with dementia and came to live with us.
The earliest memory I can recall, being in her home requesting a grilled cheese with some dill pickles on the side. Her grilled cheeses for some reason always tasted way better than my mothers. I would always wolf them down in a matter of seconds only to ask for another shortly after. Often at times, she would make me 4 or 5 grilled cheeses in a day. She had two cats, both of which stumbled their way to my grandmothers home. One being a completely grey silky smooth cat who was dropped off at my grandmothers door by an unknown driver. We named her Lucky. The other was an orange cat with a broken rib and broken nose that had emerged from the woods one day and started taking refuge on my grandmothers porch. She took him in and named him Tommy. I would play for hours with these cats while devouring grilled cheese sandwiches. I was very young during this time period and do not remember too much of what my grandmother was like. I was somewhere between 4-7.
The next memory I can remember is sitting in an easy chair at my grandmother's trailer near Lake Ontario, talking to her, asking about what my grandfather was like. He had died when I was young and I had very few memories of him. I don't remember what she said but I can recall clear as day saying to her "I miss him" to which she replied "I miss him too." I tried my hardest to hold back my tears because I didn't want her to see me crying. The conversation ended there and we both continued to watch Wheel of Fortune. I was between 8-11 at this time.
There are other smaller memories I have of her but not any that really stick with me as much as these two do.
I don't know why but from ages 12-16, I cant remember much about her. There was definitely times where we had gone to her house for Christmas and other holidays but I can't remember anything significant about her. Just that I was at her house with other family members.
She ended up having a mini stroke which would lead to her being diagnosed with early dementia. She would then later come to live with us as she was no longer able to safely take care of herself. At the start is wasn't too bad. She was mostly coherent but would have some odd sayings here and there and would forget things I had already said to her. My mother always had to help her get dressed though because my grandmother would often put on 3-4 pairs of underwear and several bras. I'm not sure if she forgot that she had already put them on or what but that woman would go through a weeks worth of clothes in a day haha. She also had an obsession with shortening her clothes. Like extreme shortening. We had to hide all of our scissors because if she got a pair, she would cut her clothes in half. Pants became shorts, dresses and night gowns became crop-tops. Again, not too sure what her mind was thinking when she got ahold of those scissors but it made for some good laughs. Every Friday though she would pack up all of her items and wait by the front door for her first son to come pick her up from our house. She would start to cry when we would tell her that she has to stay with us and that her son isn't coming for a while. We would call my uncle so he could speak to her and help calm her down. After this happened for the third or fourth consecutive week, we decided to pull the plug and have my uncle bring her back home so she felt safe and happy in a familiar place. I was between 17-18 during this time.
After maybe a year, she had deteriorated a lot and was unable to live on her own at all. She needed 24/7 care/watch which my uncles were unable to provide. So my grandmother came back to live with us. At this point she couldn't cook for herself and struggled to use the bathroom alone. She could talk somewhat but often it was like she was busy daydreaming. You would sometimes have to repeat the same question multiple times to get an answer out of her. She became very sensitive emotionally to things. Any sort of movie we had on with violence or people crying would make her weep. I could usually fix that pretty quickly though. I was somehow able to make her laugh all the time. Either by doing goofy things or silly dances. Sometimes just even looking at her would make her laugh. It was almost as if she was reverting back to being a child. It was tough on all of us with my mother being the most affected. She had quit her job in nursing so she could give my grandmother the proper care and attention she needed. I was 18-19 at this time.
The past two years have been the hardest and most painful. My childhood dog, Trina, which I had adopted with my mother when I was 8 or 9, had started to decline just as rapidly as my grandmother. She became incontinent and was barley able to walk or get up off the floor. She also became mostly blind and deaf so she as well needed 24/7 care. Trina hated most people that came into our house but loved my grandmother. We would joke that they were the dynamic dementia duo since they were always together, day and night. At this point, my grandmother was only able to get out a couple words, mostly being yes or no. She needed complete care. If you led her to the bathroom, she would just stand in there and fidget with things until you undressed her and sat her on the toilet. She wouldn't feed herself unless the item was something you could eat with your hands. Even then you would have to remind her to pick up whatever thing you were trying to get her to eat.
One night around 1-2AM, I walked past my grandmothers room and noticed she was awake. I went in there to see if she needed a drink of water to which she replied yes. I got a glass of water for her and sat between Trina and my grandmothers bedside. I helped her sip from the straw and I don't know why but I just became washed over with emotions and started crying. I apologized to her that i never got to really know her before the dementia. I told her that I loved her and was thankful for the time that I did get to spend with her. I like to think that for just a moment, she broke through the fog in her mind and heard what I was saying. She patted my head a couple times and it meant the world to me. I held her hand, finished my cry, tucked the covers, kissed her forehead and went back to bed. I was 20.
A couple months passed and we decided to put my dog Trina down. I buried her and left for my first semester at college. My grandmother ended up having two strokes and became completely bed ridden. She was unable to talk and had very little response to outside stimuli. The day after my 21st birthday I received a text from my father that my grandmother has passed away. I honestly didn't really feel much of anything when I got the news. I didn't feel much of anything about it for a long time. I had thought that I must of done my grieving when she was alive. I am now 21 years old.
I stumbled across this project via a video done on it by a channel called A Bucket of Jake. I initially thought that it was just some album about being depressed or something overly dramatized. I only made it through 10 minutes of his video before the waterfalls came roaring out of my eyes. Once I had learned what this project was about, I just couldn't stop crying. I tried giving it a listen, but I could only skip through the entire thing. I don't know why but any part of this piece makes me cry. It makes me question if I did enough for my grandmother when she was alive. It makes me think about how she must of felt during her journey through dementia. How often she must have felt joy or terror. It makes me wish I got to know her more before the dementia. I think most of all, this project forces me to face all of the pain I've been running from for the past 3 years. I've been distracting with various things for so long now, I don't think I've taken a moment to slow down and process once in these 3 years. With the shutdown and a very few number of people on campus, there's no place, nobody, and no thing left for me to run to. It's time I process this pain.
Also if anybody reads this, please don't sympathize for me or feel the need to drop condolences in the comments. I haven't talked about this with really anyone and that's all I wanted to do. Most people my age don't understand what this is like or are just waiting for their turn to talk about their struggle.
I love and miss you dearly, Shirley Hartmann.
May you find your husband and find your peace.
Love,
Your grandson
Not gonna symphatize or drop condolences as you said.
just gonna say, i enjoyed reading this
I enjoyed reading this too, thank you so much for sharing
im gonna fucking cry.
I’m crying my eyes out listening to this album and reading this, thank you for sharing
Thats truely a sad Story... But i enjoyed reading it
00:00:00 is the song "a burning memory". at 01:27:33 we hear the same song yet its more faded. at 3:23:46 we hear it again but its no longer a complete song, we are now starting to only hear glimpses of it. 3:31:33 , 3:32:24 , 3:34:02 , 3:36:17, 3:42:28 , 3:50:10 , 4:41:48 , 4:42:25 , 5:13:33 , 5:18:46 , 5:49:41 , 6:03:30 are all examples of this memory that is fading in and out. the more and more you continue, the lesser you can tell, the more you can hear the memories trying to escape.
Wow. I was waiting for someone to point this out because I kept recognizing the tune. You put it greatly
I love that about this work. It almost pulls you back but then fades.
Yeah sorry but this is false. A1 - It's just a burning memory (Al Bowlly's heartaches) only plays in E2 (1:27:33), G1SB (2:15:51 - 2:26:13), K1 layer 7 (3:43:38 - 3:46:18), and M1SB (4:33:53 - 4:36:33). C3 - What does it matter how my heart breaks (Seger Ellis' heartaches) plays in F4, F5, F8, G1SB (2:15:51 - 2:26:13), H1SC (2:37:15 - 2:40:49 and 2:51:39 - 2:52:55), K1 layer 7 (3:43:38 - 3:46:18), L1 layer 3 (3:58:49 - 4:05:57 and 4:08:45 - 4:11:20), L1 layers 18 and 19 (4:06:46 - 4:09:14 and 4:12:20 - 4:17:13), the entirety of M1 except layer 3 (4:21:37 - 4:29:37 and 4:33:53 - 4:42:25, layer 3 is 4:29:37 - 4:33:53), N1SA (4:42:25 - 4:54:08), and O1SC (5:20:51 - 5:26:25). Guy Lombardo's heartaches plays in G1SD (2:28:37 - 2:31:02), K1 layer 7 (3:43:38 - 3:46:18), L1 layer 4 (4:02:28 - 4:03:28), and M1SB (4:33:53 - 4:36:33).
@@big_numbersyea i have no idea what you’re saying but thanks
@@big_numbersI agree with jackscorpion you could have formatted this a lot better. What you're saying is very unclear.
Why do I feel like I'm spoiling my own death?
Its thats true don’t worry, you won’t remember this anyway.
@@legallyrequired The worst part it's that the best part.
We are nothing, we are our memories and when we die memories will too, so our existence will be nothing.
Nothing to nothing, even if we became someone important to humanity, universe will die too, atoms will be nothing.
The whole universe will became nothing "again" and then maybe there will be another universe ir maybe the universe is just a golrified loop and things will happen again for eternity.
Fact is we both will not know because we were born in a time where those things i speaked about is just "teories"
But hey! Don't be depressed over "nothing" lol
thatone guy deep lol
@@momoreview5555 they certainly are "teories"
@@tsu177 and what if you will know about it? as i know there is a lot of poetry based on thinking how light is black dirt (idk if i used the right word) so you should definitely read that. it gave me chills i hope you'll feel the same :)
my worst fear is to develop dementia and forget my husband, my parents, my friends and myself. i’d rather die young than live a long life only to forget it all.
me too
Me too
ive always said i dont wanna live past the point of being uncomfortable
@@bobzmuda3940 mid-20s to 30s? Lol.
Forgetfulness isn't my fear of demential/alzheimer's. Coming to a fleeting moment of clarity to realize you have no idea where you are, or how you got there, then to fade back into the tumultuous din of our mindscape, that would be terrifying to me.
I work at a retirement home and we have a wing specialized in dementia and Alzheimer's disease. Some of them are in the first phase and some are somewhere else. Hard to tell. There is laughs, screams, tears, life. They are people. You end up liking them, getting used to the disease, the habits. And sometimes, you have a day off. Then you are back and the person you were laughing with, talking, eventually cracking some jokes is gone. That person is right in front of you, clinically alive but looking into their eyes you must admit you lost them. They are definitely gone. Somewhere at the end of their own time..
It must be so painful to go through that
christ...
I'm sorry
CV G cf vvv by
My grandma has alzheimer (she made 98 years this week). the last time i saw her before the quarantine she was thinking that my dead grandpa was alive and that my Father still was a Child,Sometimes she packed her bags and start saying that she will go away because there was not her place. im brazilian so i apologize if i pronnuced something wrong
My Papa (grandfather) just passed away two days ago. He suffered a stroke about a year ago, and developed dementia after never fully recovering from the stroke. At first everything was fine more or less; he had trouble walking and had a bit of a stutter due to the stroke, but otherwise he was in good spirits, rolling around with his walker and sneaking out to use the lawnmower to cut the grass--even though he wasn't supposed to.
The dementia just...changed him. And it was gut-wrenching to watch. He kept trying to hold onto things like chores or tinkering projects in his workshop, but his mind and his hands couldn't keep up with things that were once easy for him. He started jumbling his words together, or losing track of conversations. He also had worsening control over his temper, and he would snap and argue with my grandma(who has her own mild Alzheimers and is going blind). It got to the point where his speech issues were so bad he could hardly speak, but he would still shout in the middle of the night at my grandma to shut up, shut up, shut up, over and over until my dad could calm him down.
He eventually went to a memory care home because we could no longer give him the level of care he needed, and his motor skills and speech skills continued to deteriorate. He was a lot nicer to my grandma after they separated and she no longer visited him during his bouts of 'sundowning', where his temper would flare at night. Even after most of his words were gone, he'd smile at his wife during her lunchtime visits and pucker his lips up to her for a kiss. I visited him the day before he died, and he was largely unresponsive.
Papa was the first in the family to obtain a college degree(mechanical engineering), travel by plane to work in foreign countries and oil rigs, and he held patents for oil rig equipment he designed. He was smart as a whip, and I knew that very well. So I know that, on some level, he must have been so troubled and frustrated by what was happening to him. Watching this disease take him away from us while being powerless to do anything to help was the worst feeling I've ever felt.
I don't wish this fate on anyone.
Your papa sounds like he was a great person. Rest in peace and I hope I can help with this comment.
This is the musical version of the saying: "How you are now, I was once. How I am now, you will be." - found on a gravestone.
shit
We may know who we are, but we know not what we may be.
Ok i’m thoroughly confused- i was reading this and all the letters jumbled up. That was weird lol
@@serelii3606 Perhaps your mind is going Serelii....
Wowliam Oh ok sorry i’m stupid 😳
my grandmother has dementia. she doesn’t even know i exist now. i use to be annoyed when she would try to teach my little cousins my name, but now- i would do anything in the world for her to remember it again. i cry just at the thought of our walks on the beach and when we sewed together. i remember all of it, but all she can do is look at me kindly trying not to be rude because she forgot about me.
Oh this broke my heart. I have never had an experience with dementia. I thought it was just losing things and not knowing what day it was but after listening to this and reading the comments I’m terrified and heartbroken...
@@ash_tray it’s ok, she is still happy and that’s all i care about :)
This comment section is beatiful.
Several comments have made me cry.
Dementia is much more than forgettings someones name, it's forgetting who they are.
i wish you the best.
Yea my dads Mom died with dementia.. she couldnt Even remember who me my brother or my Dad was..🙁
@@Gartenofdanban69 that's messed up forgetting who your son is and who your grandchildren are that's terrifying and the fact that she died probably still not knowing you is so sad poor you hope you are doing well
Imagine living a whole life, overcoming so much struggle, and developing a wide array of memories, good and bad, to become the person you are, just to forget it all in your final moments. It is truly a horrifying way to pass.
I agree, it is scary to think about. I guess my hope is that my living friends/family will be able to remember me after I pass and hopefully I will be remembered as I saw myself and how I wanted to be known.
Worst thing is that it isn't moments its years.
A
It makes life seem rather pointless
Guts😞💔
he took his life december 23rd… a lot of emotions are still spiraling… gunshot to his head and they found him at 12pm… he had schizophrenia and alzheimer’s i missed a christmas with him this year because of it… he couldn’t do it anymore and he’s in no more pain… i miss you grandpa chuck and i love you…
i just wish he could have said goodbye
That's absolutely devastating.
Thats horrible,but you can get past this,never give up and keep going
Also,i dont know if you believe,but Jesus can guide you in your life,follow him
"And who are you, young Lady? My Grandson's new Girlfriend?"
"No, Grandma, it's me. I'm your Granddaughter."
I'll miss her.
so sorry for your loss 💛
@Heybrine Yeah, it's Terrifying.
My grandmother had Alzheimers and since I didn't visit her as much due to me living away a few hours, I didn't get to see her that often.
I was the first one to be forgotten by her and that lasted throughout the last three years of her life of always asking me who I am whenever I came to visit.
@@camilla3492 thanks
I want to make an Alabama joke but this is too sad D:
@@oaxis8198 I'll allow it, it'd still be funny ^^
This album is horrifying, this is the first time I actually gave thought to the sheer terror of Alzheimer's or dementia. Losing who you are as a person just seems like such a terrible way to die.
that’s why it’s better to just die right now while i still remember
Indeed, dying of Alzheimer’s or dementia must be a horrible way to leave this planet.
I’m putting a 1911 to my head and blowing my brains out if I get dementia
@@jobe_seed6674 i’m going to bomb downtown
Try feeling like you never made a identity
Dementia is just horrifying. First you start forgetting about things in the past, then forget about simple things, then you start forgetting about your friends and family, and even everything around you.
Then you forget how to live.
bro this finna make me cry because i know someone who’s gone through it and i was right there with her to try and help. it was awful. i could never blame her for what happened. it wasn’t her fault. she wasn’t in her right mind.
Its so sad because my great grandma died of dementia. She was a great gal and was so fun to be around. She was found dead in her house one morning and she also suffered from paranoia and lived in the middle of the woods because she thought everyone was out to get her. She had LOTS of doctor’s appointments to go to, but thought the doctor was out to get her too so she refused to go. I love her so much. 😢❤️
@@AmadorJuarez2024
Alzheimer’s disease is the most common type of dementia which is a broad category of brain diseases that cause a long-term and gradual decrease in the ability to think and remember.
I think dementia is worst form of suffering a human can experience.
Imagine you were in a hospital as a geriatric dementia patient. You are in a world of agony. You try to figure out what is going on, who is around you, and what is anything but you can’t and you are frustrated and in a state of panic . You are experiencing intense joint pain and other aches all at once for the first time because you don’t remember having them before and all the years of you adapting to aging body are forgotten. You see complete strangers around you sticking sharp objects into you, injecting unknown liquids, putting unknown things in your mouth, taking away the thing you’re wearing you can’t remember the name of and taking the foul smelling substances that, what’s it called? your body? produces. Sometimes they wash you with, uh, water you think it’s called and it is incredibly discomfortable because you are forced to experience it against your will.
You only know suffering because you can no longer remember or imagine a world outside the pain and confusion you are feeling at the moment.
You feel so alone but you are not even aware of the concept of human connection since everyone you have ever met are strangers to you that you can barely (if at all) understand and can barely (if at all) communicate to.
You can’t even thrash or throw fits because your body is too weak to do so. Not only are you imprisoned in an unknown room, you are trapped in a body that barely move.
You can’t even receive the bliss of accepting that the rest of your life is going to be just suffering (like many prisoners who in the past faced torture and execution), and there’s nothing you can do but accept it, since you are perpetually experiencing this suffering for the first time forever.
You can’t even hope for death to eventually put you out of your misery since you might not even know of such a concept anymore or the immediate shock of experiencing immense suffering is the only thing you can feel and notice at the moment. For all you know, you will suffer forever, if you still can even imagine what forever is. Hell, you can’t even think in the long term since all you know is the suffering you’re feeling at the moment.
Hopefully, you will die before the cognitive degeneration gets too extreme as I’ve described it, yet keep in mind, even if the suffering is not the most physically agonizing experience you can have, there is a point in which you lose all frame of reference, where you can’t imagine a worse form of suffering nor a world without suffering -you only would know the agony of the moment.
@@sdsdpopo
I think you should read my post, it only scratches the surface of it (I completely leave out memory entanglements and ruptures and just the general idea of experiencing memories as unclear hallucinations that confuse and terrify you further) but it is undoubtedly scary. The feeling of helplessness would be nothing you’ve ever experienced before.
My grandma died recently and suffered from dementia so this album is honestly terrifying; she used to tell us about a "game" she'd play where she snuck into people's houses and rearranged their furniture to mess with them, and she fully believed it was real. Then, a couple of weeks later, my mum found her standing in the corner of the bathroom, facing the wall and leaning over as she always did. She'd been there for 20 minutes, unaware of where she was.
I'm almost thankful that her passing was accelerated by a bad fall that broke her hip, as I was lucky enough to never see her progress far enough not to recognise me. The fact that it could have ended like that utterly horrifies me.
The broken hip is a horrific example of a silver lining, but a silver lining still.
The slow decline my Grandfather had with his dementia was terrifying. He couldn't even remember my Dad, who was in the hospital, dying from cancer.
jesus christ
no but actually that's horrible, i'm sorry
jesus christ
sad
Imagine having to be repeatedly told your child has cancer, and you’re hearing it for the first time every time. That’s horrifying.
I remember we had a resident in our nursing home that was just so scared in the last two phases of dementia... She was just screaming for her mom over and over again. Listening to her just broke my heart.
LittleVarenyky Wow. That would be frightening to experience as her and from your point of view. She must’ve felt isolated and confused which was why she was calling for her mom because it might’ve been one of the things she remembered doing (going up to her mom a as a child when she felt scared). I know I’m pointing out the obvious, but it’s still really scary. And I feel sorry that you had to hear her decline; I would be plain out traumatized!
@@wuandondo4832 I've been working as a nurse here for a while now so I've seen a thing or two. And i gotta say, it wasn't that bad because she was already like that when i started working here. It's a lot worse when that person is still able to walk when you first meet them. But thankfully, most of the dementia residents we have here seem pretty happy, might be because all of us received special training. But that particular woman was very unhappy and scared the last two years of her life.
LittleVarenyky reading this comment actually brought a tear to my eye.
I can't imagine the raw horror she must have experienced. It brought a tear to my eye.
Purely terrifying. I can't... even know what those last two stages would have been for her.
Me and the boys experiencing a slow decline into nothingness
Blazing Phoenix hell yeah
me and the boys dying
Me and the boys growing old and senile
You have good friends, I need people I can jump into the void with
Me and the boys turning into a empty void of nothingness...
I used to listen to this when I worked overnight shifts at a residential facility, 10pm-8am alone when I was 24, my first real job in mental health as a clinician. It was a large house that had in house clients who couldn’t live on their own because they had really bad schizophrenia and/or trauma. One lady had Alzheimer’s (she eventually left for higher care) and what was sad was that she used to be a dementia care nurse before ending up in that dystopian home where she was a shell of who I couldn’t imagine she once was. A lot of unfortunate and dark spirited management controlled it all. I would be wide awake, or try to be, while most everyone was asleep.
Time seemed to drift at a rate that was not of my control. I’d try to make things go by faster at times, but other times I just sat there, alone, reminiscing the souls that were there. My own soul. My own heart, my own passions. Something to be found, perhaps. Or maybe I needed static sound disguised in a comforting melody that I could sink into, keeping my own sanity as much as I could, while I sipped on my caffeine, checked on the house from time to time… marked off the few tasks there were to be done… and waited for the light of dawn to appear and free me. I’d usually begin to do artwork, draw a bit, or try to do something productive. That was a redeeming aspect of it that I cultivated for myself. The clients loved to see my drawings when they woke :).
But, the stagnant pond that the house reflected, the unmoving waters that echoed a deeply disturbing truth- the clients were like cogs in a Medicaid wheel. And all I could do, was move forward, yet I was there for a moment in time. The early bird was always there ready for his meds, perhaps a bit of control made him feel productive.
I just sit here and think, how has time come and gone. This tune reminds me of those endless nights that unwound to the anticipation of the light of day. The lessons I learned. And the very, very strange things I would see. Sometimes seemed like soft muffled clouds.
I wonder what your reality looks like
I never comment on UA-cam videos, but I wanted to for some reason now.
Thank you, for commenting. How entertaining it is to see how someone lives, imagine how someone lives. I feel like i’ve lived a tenth of life every time i get to read comments like these, how drastically different from my life their writers live. How these commentors observe reality, how these commentors think about reality. The littlest details highlight the most of their perspectives. Seeing how this one mentions the reflection of the lake, it shows the commentor has a habit of looking for natural beauty. I have no single idea whether that is correct, but the point is that it could be. I could imagine this person, contrast my conception of reality to theirs. It’s so, so so wonderful. Thank you.
@ I thank you for responding to my comment. I too love the little things, the tiny things, that make each of us unique. Our experiences, how we reflect of them, and how that makes us each an individual. The most precious and beautiful of life can go unnoticed to those who don’t see, the very beauty which echoes the thinnest cracks of our reality. Our perception of reality. When we look at each other, it’s like water. Reflecting my own reality, yet I see through it, to see something novel, too, perhaps. I love nature and Taoism for this reason.
Thank you for reading of a piece of my life and sharing your thoughts, stranger. Isn’t sharing the human experience so beautiful. It is all we have.
My grandma has Alzheimer’s. A few weeks ago all my cousins and brother and I were sitting with my grandma trying to talk to her. One of my cousins said “you know we love you right?” And she responded with “I love you guys too I just don’t know who any of you are.” Every time I think about that moment it breaks my heart.
Edit: my grandma passed away this June and my biggest regret is not being kind or treating her like a human being. When my grandma first started showing signs of dementia I was never told of her diagnosis and over time I began to hate her because she became an extremely bitter person which is normal for Alzheimer’s/dementia. I also became disgusted with my grandma because her hygiene began to slip and she would do odd things like try to clean the toilet with toilet water and wash her hands with toilet water. Once I was old enough to understand what was really going on I convinced myself that my grandma was already gone and there was no point trying to talk to her. The last week of her life I could tell she was dying and I still couldn’t muster up the courage to simply lay next to her In bed and just talk to her. Some part of me still felt disgust towards my grandma.
I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you grandma. After everything you did for me I’m sorry I didn’t help you when you needed me. I look back at all those times I caught you in a moment of fear and instead of calming you down I would scold you and whisper under my breathe that you were crazy. I was the one thing that kept you grounded in this crazy household and even after recognizing that, after realizing how much I could’ve helped you I still didn’t. I miss you grandma. I’m sorry for everything. I hope you forgive me. July 24, 2020
I found this comment while scrolling through all of them, I really hope you and your family are okay
This single comment almost made me cry instantly
Grommet same
This hit me like a Truck
My grandma had dementia, she couldn't recognize any of her children, but she was happy most of the time. When she passed away, my dad wasn't that sad because he said she had passed away a long time ago and her body just catched up.
Tried learning “It’s just a burning memory” from memory on trumpet, and accidentally learned it in the wrong key. How ironic...
U remember ur dog?
The original song is called "Heartaches" by Al Bowlly. It's a few semitones higher and faster than this one; you might have learned that instead.
@@martianbuilder5945 Funnily enough, I checked Heartaches and found that I had learned a different key from that one too. I literally accidentally learned a key that is dissonant from BOTH versions.
@@Schnoicky What about C3, E2, F4 in this video? Same song but *even lower* key and tempo.
Noice
Could you just imagine waking up in a strange location just, not knowing where you are, who you are, who you know, who you love? That's terrifying as shit.
Brother/sister, you don't wake up suddenly like this, your memories slowly extinguish like a lighter slowly losing more and more fuel, producing more sparks than flames at times and becoming increasingly slower. At least thats how it felt with my granny..
@@cj-zardakabruhpedia4557 yeah ik that, but still it happens at a certian stage and I bet it is the scariest shit
@@k1ll3r-xza thats what is honestly the scariest abt it but when it comes to that stage, i think that those afflicted, tho unknowingly, try to combat it at first but eventually give in and go through that terrified but not surprised
Might happen when you accidentally wake up at the opposite side of the bed.
this is my worst fear in the world, losing all of my memories, everything, like someone cast obliviate and i've forgotten everything from myself, my family members, everyone i've ever met, everything i've learned, all the photographs i've taken...all gone
my grandad died from secondary liver cancer but also had dementia. for his last days (probably more like a week before he passed) he would not eat or drink for anyone, not my dad, not his wife of 58 years, not the nurses, me. he ate from me spoon feeding him and holding his head off the pillow to drink. I sat at his bed and held his hand maybe the day before he died and he shouted "get off!" and that was the last thing he really did. I still sat with him and spoke to him up to his final hours, I'm so sure he heard me as everytime I asked a question he would groan. I just hope he wasn't scared. rip grandad 12-12-1944 - 02-02-2024
I don’t fear death, but this gives a view into something much, much worse.
Edit: I made this in like middle school and I still think I was on to something. What I mean to say is that being dead isn’t scary however dying is. And to go out in such a drawn out and confusing way is truly terrifying.
I fear the pain my loved ones will go through when I die
There are fates ways worse than death
@@notar5564 fates?
Same
As Mario once said : "You go to hell before you die."
stage one: why y’all talking bout dementia i’m over here scrolling through the comments cuz i’m bored
stage four: how does that do that i feel like i’m in my brain
i'm in stage 5 and i had such a hard time reading this..
im on A2
wait so i’m not the only one who has a headache
lmao frl
Dementia
It must be horrible to pass away empty, scared, not knowing what’s going on, with a bunch of strangers crying around you. It really hurts seeing somebody with dementia and how worried, confused, and frightened they are.
It breaks my heart,,, Thinking of that makes me so upset.
my girlfriend has dementia
still remembers last year she caught me with another girl 😳😔
the worst part is a lot of time, moments before death, they tend to suddenly remember everything
Yeah its really terrifying to know if you even existed or not or like just the thought of confusion..and nothingness.
@@pandapumkin omg this is horrible
I was my grandmother's caretaker from about age 17 to 28, her son was a deadbeat and my mother passed away from cancer when I was 15 so we were all that each other had left. My grandma and I were very close. Her dementia began setting in in 2020 I want to say.
Watching someone you love lose themselves and forget who they are and where they are, and occasionally forgetting you is an indescribable pain to endure. You feel so helpless, you both know something is wrong but there's nothing you can do.
My grandma passed away in July 2023. Even if she forgot who she was sometimes, where she was, no matter what she forgot she always remembered me. Even if there were brief times she forgot who I was in the end she still remembered me.
It's extremely difficult to listen to the caretaker because it is so eerily accurate it is, it hits very close to hy heart. It's very sad but such a beautiful piece of work
suddenly i really care about my mental health.
*grin* 69 likes. Noice
Same
I started caring after I got Memory loss
I feel like one day I will think "dementia is when you forget stuff" and then when I don't care about swearing I'll say something vulgar, and maybe I've thought this multiple times, I keep mentally active , and I'll fight it. Music, art, writing, reading, sculpture, socialize, game, puzzle. Then I'll forget why. Demontia is a worde. I'll do it for fun. I'll play my fav game again and forget what it was about. hat was it abot?
I have to witness my sweet grandmas descent into Alzheimer’s
If you were to listen to this without any context, you'd probably be asking yourself what the hell this is. But with the context, it's just absolute dread, fear, and anguish
Ur right, i dont understand any shit
i actually listened to this yesterday without any context. Some friend just sent me and i started listening. At first, it was very pleasant and comforting. But some time later, songs were confusing and strange, with them just stopping abruptly. I asked a friend about the album and he told me that was an experience of simulation of dementia. I continued to listen to the album until the fifth stage when it was very disturbing and discomforting to hear. It was scary and confusing.
@Rieyza 21 It’s to symbolize dementia, and how it gets worse overtime.
@@jonjared88 bruh this is just chill lofi, all I hear at stage 5 is "this is a certified hood classic"
@@jonjared88 I wonder if mental disorders like adhd affect the outcome, will have updated in a few hours
Not gonna lie, the first song "It's just a burning memory" is really a musical masterpiece, it just sounds so beautiful
Yes sir. It's Al bowlys heartaches. And if you like that, I recommend midnight, the stars and you. One of my favorite Al bowly songs
@@grubskies4221 i agree, midnight with the stars and you is an amazing song sung by al bowlly!
Ikr
yes.
I love this song, and wonder why it was forgotten in the first place. I could say the same about many of the songs in the first 3 stages.
My great grandma, at age 91, is one of the strongest-willed people i know to this day. The woman is a tank, but shes just beginning to show slight signs of maybe slipping. I hope so bady that she doesnt lose her beautiful mind, her love for painting, and plundering, flowers, and old western shows, her sense of humor, im so horrified of the aspect that she could lose this, that she could someday forget all these adventures shes lived through. The woman has been everywhere, and id give my soul to make sure she keeps them until that magnificent flame of hers exhausts on that sad day
Go to the doctor and see if it really is dementia,if it is,spend time with her until she dies,enjoy every moment
Also,i dont know if you believe,but Jesus can save you all,maybe not cure her dementia if it is not on his will but lift you all on the final day
My grandfather has dementia, it’s bad enough that he can’t recognize any close family, somehow, though, when asked, he will remember he has a grandson and his name, so whenever i tell him who i am he always lights up.
I don’t know how long it’ll take for him to forget me entirely, but i’ve learned to appreciate the small things in life more.
I hope the best for you and your family :) please stay safe
It's really important to appriciate this moment while he kinda understands that he's with you.
This is the last moments you have to do so.
Wish all the best. Stay strong.
@McGeoculus the album is meant to represent how it feels to go through dementia, slowly forgetting the moments (or in this case songs) you thought you'd always remember clearly
i hope he, and you as well, will be at peace when he passes.
My nana had the same condition, she passed a year ago. *insert some happy message here because I don’t know what to say
after suffering with dementia for years, forgetting everyone around her, and me. she was the only woman that made me feel like my life was worth living for. she passed away on thursday, last week.
Im so sorry to hear that. Perhaps human live never should have happened. I think this species might be a mistake. We simply are too aware and nature is simply too cruel. I hope you're doing okay. Life is not fair. It really isn't.
I send my condolences your way, I'm sorry for your loss. I don't know who you are, but I wish you the best.
🖤🖤
My deepest condolences to you, so sorry for you loss. I wish you the best for your life and i hope you're doing okay despite difficulties life can give you.
@@theabyss310 thank you so much :(
98% people after watching this: God this peace of art is beautiful but Ima just never watch it again.
This album is one of the greatest albums made of all time. It reflects how it feels to decline with Alzheimer's and dementia. Dementia is a mental disease in which you slowly forget everything: who you are, what the people in front of you are, what you used to be before you have been diagnosed, where you are, what time it is, until you eventually forget even how to walk or swallow. It is nothing to joke about, since this whole topic is very dark. And the covers of each part also make sense: the first one is a rolled newspaper, you still remember stuff. The second one is a distorted vase. You can tell it is a vase but you can't remember what material it is made out of. The third image is the same vase but with the flowers that have overgrown, making you even more confused: is this a flower, a tree, some random green things? You can[t even understand them. The fourth part is how people from the exterior see you. The fourth part is also the post-awareness stage, which means that you even forget you have dementia. It shows that human because this is how people from the exterior see you. The fifth part is the worst a dementia patient can get: you don't even understand what the cover is supposed to show. Then, the sixth part is a cardboard that you had to paint on, but, as you can see, it has no painting on it. Why? Because the patient has died in stage six. This is a reference to an artist with dementia, which, every year he drew a portrait of himself. You can search "dementia portrait" on Google, go to images and you will see. It shows no drawing because the patient has died. My point is that, this album is far more deeper and darker than it seems at first glance.
Thank you for your feedback, I took it into consideration.
@Unzus i didn't know this difference... i am not a neurosurgeon though
@Unzus dude lol lmao huh wtf ugh xd lol lmfao xd wtf
i am not a native speaker, i make mistakes sometimes
@Unzus and judging by all ur comments on this channel, i came to a conclusion: you searched that thing on google, you saw the answer then you thought "lol im so smart im so special i am the one time to correct everyone in the replies", like, no one cares lmfao
(content warning, descriptions of seizures)
Finished it last night. I think it's time i get into detail about my experience listening to this... Tragic masterpiece. This is mostly for me, but if you want to read this massive essay where i go into a fair bit of 'unnecassary detail', feel free!
Like most people, i've read through a LOT of comments from people while listening through the entire album. I don't know if it was an intentional part of the artistic vision, but it definitely impacted my experience quite heavily. In a good way. It was a nice reminder to me just how similar yet different we all are, and how our experiences can bring us together. It also reminded me how many wonderful folks of different walks of life do actually still know how to appreciate and experience art, even at the rise of generative AI. It's... Hard to describe the exact feelings i felt.
Maybe catharsis, maybe comfort, maybe calm. Definitely anxiety, dread,... But in a way that was, good. It's weird.
To go into detail...
I was surprised to see some people describing a similar experience to mine-
Since this album is about the simulated experience of the mental deterioration of Alzheimer's, i wasn't expecting to see others agree that it reminded them of what it's like to experience an epileptic seizure.
For context, i used to have seizures from about age 11 to age 14. They developed suddenly, and were caused by a tumor in my brain, which was surgically removed in 2018. Since then i've been free of seizures, but the trauma of it all still comes back to me in quite unexpected ways sometimes, because of how much compartmentalizing i was doing at the time.
Since seizures can present themselves in such a spectrum of ways, I'll go a bit into detail on mine.
I had focal onset aware seizures that stemmed from a benign tumor in my left brain hemisphere, that would affect me differently depending on whether i was awake or asleep as they started. It always started the same way though, with a tingling sensation in my right flank, (if i'm asleep this would wake me up) which then spread to my right leg, and would evolve into numbness and violet jerking of the involved areas.
If i was awake before it started, it usually stayed contained to that area, sometimes if it got bad i would fall/have to sit down and/or it spread to my right arm as well. Always lasted for about 20-50 seconds, and any affected area would then be numb and limp for the next few minutes to half an hour.
If i was asleep though, it would start the same way, and then rapidly take over my entire body. I usually had just enough time to scream for help from my dad or siblings before my lungs and vocal chords would seize up.
I was mentally aware, i could see and hear everything, but lost complete control of my limbs. Sometimes i'd have auditory hallucinations, but the main things I'd hear were my concerned family members trying to comfort me through the agony, my limbs hitting my bed and the walls, and the worst part- Hearing myself struggling to breathe. And then, this rumbling.
This lack of control, the pure physical discomfort, the arrhythmic, horrible noisescape of hearing my body hurting itself and suffocating, for maybe a minute and a half at most, but it always felt like an eternity. And when it ended, i'd be limp and weak and out of breath and barely able to breathe. My ability to walk would come back within the next 10 or so minutes, i wouldn't be stable on my feet for probably 30-45 though. I'd feel the effects of them for half the following day, and i had these seizures about 1-3 times per week. Every week. For over three years. Not a long time in the grand scheme of things, but, it still haunts me. To this day, hearing a baby make little idle noises brings me great discomfort. The little holding of its breath for a second, then expelling air in a puff, or just loudly mouth-breathing while moving around, brings me back to hearing myself suffocate.
From Stage 4 onwards, i kept having to take breaks because of how reminiscent of this soundscape it was, especially since i was listening in a dark room, and at night. It opened up some of the locked away compartments in my brain, it allowed me to process and move on from some of the trauma it had all caused me. Some bits even reminded me of the auditory hallucinations i used to have, some of it reminded me of the noises an mri machine would make during one of my many brain scans. It's genuinely crazy how accurate it all is, how perfectly it encapulates the panic, the powerlessness, the disorientation, the horror. I guess that's because panic, powerlessness, disorientation and horror are all part of experiencing the later stages of Alzheimer's, too.
This entire experience has been incredibly cathartic for me, and i hope that if you read this comment to the end, you maybe got a feel for a bit of that?
I dunno. All i know is that it helped me, in quite a few ways, even if it simultaneously absolutely horrified me.
Have a nice day, stranger, and take care of yourself and your loved ones
Have a nice day too, stranger.
Hey, just wanted to say hi and check up a little.
I feel you.
I unfortunately have Grand Mal seizures and just wanted to say that, this encapsulates the confusion and overall feel of seizures. If you want some details, keep reading.
Overall, my seizures are different than yours, but it’s still fully showed during this collection of music, my seizures are thought to be from a genetic mutation, but no one really knows where they come from, it’s not triggered by light or any other common things, it’s just, *there*. I’ve never really gotten the opportunity to experience one while I was conscious, but i do remember having a feeling about something, then waking up about to vomit.
I’m lucky enough to not have broken anything yet, and I’m on meds. This string of pieces kinda, make you feel the confusion, yknow? One second I’ll be somewhere, the next I’ll be teleported to a completely different space, confused, angry, not knowing where I went, it’s indescribable. Sometimes I’m sore, sometimes I’m not. But what I also wanted to highlight is how this kind of shows how being on meds is, at least for me. Some things kinda abruptly end, while others become fluid and tangled. I can be happy at one moment, then be yelling the next, it’s numbing really. Just like seizures. Sometimes I cry as soon as anything bad is said, other times I don’t. Somehow, this album makes me feel all of that…
My experience is definitely different than yours, but I just wanted to say you wrote it well, and good job. Sorry if my comment sounds ramble, because it really is.
Im fascinated. Thank you for sharing your experience. I'm sorry you're still suffering the trauma of it. 💜
dementia is so terrifying, it’s like the mind dies off before the body does.
Wow.... I never knew that.... dementia must be so scary....
Thats literally what happens
ive never experienced forgetting something precious. basically, life. ive always forget small things, things like “oh, why did i come in here for?” or “did i do *this* or *that* yet?”. never anything tragic, huge, and desirable. it must be absolutely terrifying. especially losing it all slowly, and slowly, and slowly. till you feel like everything around you doesnt exist. your mind is so clueless, you feel dizzy, almost like the world is LITERALLY turning. i wish best for everyone that has dimentia.
@@nikcuteboy bro...
@@nikcuteboy same, i don’t think any one would care if i died anyways :p
My grandmother has dimentia and all my life whenever we would visit each other she would tell me I'm beautiful. Growing up I just thought it was Grandma being Grandma. But recently I realized that she always meant it, because she still tells me I'm beautiful even though I'm a complete stranger to her now. It goes to show how much of a kind individual she is and always has been.
Last time I saw her she had a really cute moment with my grandfather at lunch: she was complaining about how she doesn't have a boyfriend and my grandfather said "I'll be your boyfriend." She looked so happy and flattered and it looked like Grandpa was happy to just make her smile. I can't imagine how he must have felt in that moment though, knowing the person you've been married to for decades had forgotten that entire relationship.
At least she still loves him, even thought she doesn't remembers it. She's so polite too :)
Aww… I’m very sorry for you. That moment was kind of sad but mostly cute, I wish you the best of kudos out there for sharing you’re story :)
What a beautiful story
I am not crying, you are crying **snifs**
My grandmother has dementia and before it got bad my family all 6 of us would go visit her in the nursing home and play snakes and ladders with her and I would bring my toy cat collection. But then she started to get worse and started to forget and not remember us. First few of us would visit her at the same time and then just my Mam. With covid and not seeing her she has definitely forgotten us now. I was pretty young when she went into the nursing home so I don't rly have any memories of her at her home with grandad or her when she was rly herself which makes me so upset
@@elainethompson9057 Your story is really depressing. I can not imagine not knowing how your grandma actually was as a person. I have never met my grandfather, because he died before I was born. But I'm glad that he died before I came into the world, instead of him being alive and slowly forgetting who I was.
Everyone gangsta until "Post-Awareness stage 6 is without description"
Love you pfp
Nobody gangsta once they reach the last 5 minutes of Stage 6
Everybody gangsta until
Nice profile pic, don't see a lot of dead space fans
@@jonathanstewart1278 dead space for life man! Hated that we all died but hopefully they make a movie live action
Imagine it's 50 years from now. You're actually suffering from this terrifying disease, while the song hums and melodies of stage 1 start to fade in and out. You think where the songs you remember were from. You just shrug it off and tell it's just a burning memory.
Heh... I supposed these was really a "Burning memory"...
The worse part in all of this is that people with dementia probably don’t even remember having dementia and the fact we all fear having it for now but when some of us will get it we won’t be terrified at some point cause we’ll just forget about it
That’s exactly what the post awareness stages represent
Then we slowly forget, how to chew, how to walk, how to read. I saw somewhere in the comments, in some point you forget how to breathe, leading you to your death.. but of course you wouldn’t be scared, you won’t know what that feels like..
@@bearryberry9351 Breathing is an automatic function, but the leading cause of death in Alzheimer’s patients is pneumonia.
they forgor 💀
@@thebeebattalion403 You got the whole squad laughin 😐
chick-fil-a advertisements every couple minutes keeping me on my toes
I have premium so when I get scared and close out I still plays😭
PLEASEEHSHSHHSH
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
@@karlalove8742 because you C A N ' T L E A V E
ikr its crazy
This whole album is like when you say a word over and over again until it doesn't even sound like a word anymore. Stage one being when you first say the word and it sounds fine, stage 3 is when you start stuttering and pausing, and stage six being when you aren't even sure if you're speaking English anymore.
ur a genie
couch 3 wishes?
AzAzGod 2 what looks weird and also happy looks weird
AzAzGod 2 like the words Happy and What
One of the best explanations I’ve seen yet
I used to have a friend with childhood Alzheimer’s that was already stage 5 when he met. He told me that he went to a doctor recently and the doctor said that he had the worst case of memory loss she’d ever seen in a person his age. I would help him remember the names of cartoons and animals that he loved. He eventually began to think that he was a dimension traveler stuck on a weird Earth and his parents in this world were poisoning him. In his final days he would listen to this just to feel something. Wherever you are, I miss you, you little space cadet
I'm so sorry to hear that. Memory loss is a horrible thing at any age, let alone in somebody so young. Rest in peace, space cadet.
i would not wish dementia on anyone. not even my worst enemies. this was such a powerful experience.
nah my enemies will, um uh
@@grizzamundo Oh I get it, what your tryin to say is... um... that...
@@averys1738 They will.. uh... ehhh... ummm..... with.... ahhh... hmmm...
@@online_cat why did i think that was moaning bye
@@ziayenn_ i-
My grandfather has dementia. He can't remember anything, but whenever I come over and say hi to him, he still smiles at me. He hasn't forgotten how to be happy. He hasn't forgotten to love. He is a great person. He will always be in my heart.
-Edit: he has sadly passed away a couple of months ago. It was devastating to my family. We will always remember him. I’m sorry for not updating the comment for a couple of months, because I had other priorities. Rest in paradise grandpa.
My grandfather is slipping badly. He lives many states away and I know i will most likely never see him again. When i spoke to him on the phone recently he was able to remember my name, but was very lost and scrambled many things up. I can only imagine what both of our grand dads are going through right now.
My grandfather died two years ago and also had dimentia but fortunately for him, it was only very severe for about a year before he died. On his last days he still remembered me but was very confused and aggressive towards everybody, wanted us to just leave him alone. Sadly, my grandma who still lives also has the first symptoms of dimentia and keeps forgetting stuff she said one minute ago, yet she's in some kind of loop and recalls irrelevant topics about her past at the same time like it just happened.
To everybody here: Please, don’t worry. Your loved ones are in a better place. They wouldn’t want you to be sad. I’ll pray for you all.🙏🏻
I understand your pain man. My grandpa has dementia as well, but that's not the worst part. When I was much younger like 5-6 I always thought he was a bad guy because he was trying to look after the best way he could, and now after 2 years after he got diagnoised with dementiahe can barely walk. And the saddest thing is I'll tell him I'm sorry for what I've done but he won't understand it. And now me, my grandma and my dad are trying to take the best care of him as we can.
@@cyberruins9241 that really doesn't help considering heaven is a lie
It's not hard to understand how Robin Williams, noticing the dementia setting in, would choose to end his own life rather than forget everyone he loves
Makes you rethink how we should view euthanasia because it almost seems like a valid option after this video
I didn't actually know about that... it makes me feel a little bit better, because everyone will remember him for what he was, not what dementia would have made him be...
Wow, why did nobody talk about that? I had no idea...
@Lucas Robert shut the fuck up dude
@Lucas Robert You better shut your mouth instead of talking bullshit.
my grandma is currently suffering from dimentia. she lives a state away but my mom frequently contacts her. she's starting acting a lot more childish. she's already mixed up what gender i am and my mom and aunt's names. this... I'm terrified. listening to the last song here and just feeling nothing but emptiness and loneliness. nobody's there. you wander aimlessly in your mind looking for something to think... but it's an empty hallway, waiting for you to eventually stop walking. my grandma's on that hallway. we took her to dinner a few months ago, to get out of the nursing home. that might be the last bit of happiness she'll ever know, and that pains me to think about. i love you grandma.
I’m sorry you have to go through this bro. If she does pass or her thoughts wander too far to remember stuff I hope stuff gets better for you stranger🫶
Wasnt expecting to see you here stamps. hope all goes well.
seems like you're also close to fully mixing up what gender you are
Although people don’t realize it, forgetting is the scariest thing that could happen to you. All your efforts, loved ones, and passions gone to waste through forgetting. You’re surrounded by people you’re supposed to know, but you know none of them. The thought of that will terrify you, only to reset once you forget you’re supposed to know these people around caring for you. It’s now a constant loop of emotional and physical pain, until you inevitably lose everything.
It's terrifying. Stage 5 was when I came to this realization; it's depressing, and scary. It's chaos, and confusion. Stage 6 is the bitter defeat, the acceptance that you've already lost everything. There's no hope.
Yet it is in some cases a gift
@@samz4860 Why is that? I would hate to forget everything I've ever known. It's just pain to me, and to my loved ones
@@kmelons imagine having to remember extremely bad memories, I said in *some* cases not all, and those some cases like having memories of being raped, war, shooting, losing loved ones, it hurts
@@samz4860 I suppose you're right, I would want to forget those completely. But you also lose everything wonderful in life. It's scary to think about.
“dude dementia isn’t scary”
okay but, your mind turns against you, you forget everything that you do. you forget everything, you don’t die with honor, you die with nothing
edit: a link with the words “6 hours of depression :)” sent me here, I shouldn’t have clicked on it but I’m glad it’s something not bad
And just to be turned to crow feed
lol no one says dementia isnt scary
Dying without identity is actually freaky! What would I do if I have it? I don't like to think about it
@@da_julster5805 Do you remember what life was like 200 years ago? 5 years in the future? No. You've already experienced the nothingless void so why are you so afraid?
@@sassyassasin2712 There is no reason to be afraid. If it happens, it happens. Acceptance is an important part of life
My grandma had Alzheimer's when I was a baby, and eventually she forgot my mom but she always remembered me. My mom became "the lady with the baby" to grandma. I can only imagine how painful it must have been to hear that from your own mother.
oh no
I feel so bad for your mother.
Did you constantly have to remind her that you were her granddaughter/grandson and that your Mom was her daughter?
This is so sad
Damn...
i found myself coming back to this four years after i discovered it because my grandma was diagnosed with dementia yesterday. she basically raised me and i tried to deny the subtle signs of her mental decline as just her getting old, but it hasn’t been the same for about two years. knowing that i’ll have to watch her slowly fade away when she has so much more life to live just hurts.
enjoy her in these first stages, ask her how was her life in general and etcetera, hope all goes slow, and maybe you get a few more years of her being there.
Yes good luck
Heya, you doing okay?
My Grandma (we called her GG) had some form of dementia from when I was around 6 to 13 years old until she died. GG essentially raised me until I first went to school. She taught me how to write, she taught me to read, she sung me to sleep, she let me play on the computer whenever I wanted, she was the person that made me the most happy.
My parents always said that she was sick, but I never understood. When I was sick, I just got better after a while. But GG only got worse.
This bright and loving person just sat perpetually in her chair, only occasionally saying “good gosh” or “oh no” when something happened that upset her. I remember feeling a sad like I’d never felt before, it was like losing a close friend. That is, until she got really bad.
At the end, GG didn’t speak. She didn’t even look like she could see you. She just sat in her chair. Silently. That was when I stopped feeling sad, in fact, I stopped feeling anything about her at all.
GG was one of the most important people in my life for a long time, yet when she died I felt nothing. I didn’t even cry at her funeral and I hated myself for it.
Why couldn’t I cry for my own Grandma?
This album told me why.
The first third reminded me of who GG was and the rest reminded me of who GG wasn’t. She might have been alive until I was 13, but she had been gone for a long time. I had lived so much of my life with her as a non-person, that was now how I saw her.
This album transcends art, it is emotion itself. It masterfully recreates one of the hardest emotions to describe. Losing yourself is terrifying, but watching someone lose themselves is one of the most drawn out and scarring experiences you can possibly imagine.
Every time I listen to this album I break down crying. I just want to say goodbye to her.
But maybe one day I did. I just didn’t know it.
is that a jojo reference111????1 - jojo idiot
Bro am so sorry get well
have a good life man
i don't share a very similar story, but my grandma had dementia and i was never really upset by it, i didn't cry at her funeral either. after listening to this album 3 times, i cry every time i see her picture. i want to say goodbye too. i hope i'll see her again some day.
Dude this comment actually is straight from the core and has some deep meaning. I wish it had more than just 65 likes. I can’t believe youtube comments could make me question everything that ever is to be and was all at once whilst simultaneously losing yourself in the process. What I feel is hard to explain and I feel that what I just said is not accurate but feels as if it is so.
I’m so sorry for your loss, that’s got to be one of the most horrible things to experience. I hope you know that she’s at peace now, and she is free from that awful disease. I think that as dementia patients pass on, their spirit and memories rejoin as they leave their physical self that harbors the actual illness :-) even if not, she’ll live on in your memories until “the end of time”
This crap really makes you realize how scary Dementia can be. At first, you probably don’t even know you have it. Just imagine, your brain slowly deteriorating, all your memories slowly being forgotten, not remembering who your family and friends are.
If I get dementia, I give my family permission to shoot me, I dont wanna go through that.
i think of it like this: it can't be scary because you wont remember
@@gracenantaya8394 big brain
I’m pretty sure I have dementia
I’m pretty sure I have dementia
i love how the stage 2 is the most depressed stage because the person still have awareness of what is happening
probably stage 3 as well, after all stage 4 is the start of the post-awareness
@@kelthecommenter9127 for me stage 3 is more confusion, but yes, it is still a very depressing stage
I think spiders are pretty spooky
@@blur_oof4953 👻
@Anjali Restrepo imagine googling Alzheimer’s Symptoms and all the links are purple.
My grandfather is in the early stages of dementia, he has been showing up to the doctors when they are closed, going to the bank asking for the nurse, forgetting to take his medicine. I am trying my best to learn about how to cope with family members suffering from this terrible disease.
Damn my grandma also has dementia and she can't even recognize herself let alone someone like her son😢
Stay strong,you all should spend time with him until he dies
Also,i dont know if you believe but Jesus can help you all,including him,maybe not heal his condition if it is not on his will,but save him on the final day
honestly the first stage is kind of scary. everything seems normal but really it’s just the same section playing over and over because you’re forgetting the rest but you don’t realize it
WHAT😀 I thought something was off but ur telling me I’ve been listing to the same songs this whole time I didn’t even notice...
thats what i noticed too. and in stage 2 the songs sort of start to lose a sense of time. theyre the correct notes, just placed randomly through time because you vaguely remember it
@@Joker_The_Trickster that's what hes saying
Flash back from last night I fell asleep while listening to this and when I say I was terrified when I woke up and I was in the middle of stage 3 I did not get much sleep the rest of that night I became paranoid I also started to resent the fact that this could happen to anyone you could have the best family ever the best life and bam ur diagnosed with dementia now as time goes on u slowly lose that burning flame that kept you going just thinking about the amount of misery that would bring ur loved ones terrorized me last night I could not lay in my bed with my own thoughts I had to talk to someone to bring me comfort because it was just that bad I’m not even a sad person my mental fortitude is rather strong but the combination of it being late and reading these depressing comments of past cases really messed with me I didn’t even get too stage 4 I just could not I spooked myself too much to even try and keep going
yesss like the calm before the storm, is calm and quiet but unsettling, just waiting, knowing something bad is about to happen
i told my gramps about this because my grams has dementia and he said “Many beautiful things are sad.”
Tell your gramps that he is a wise man.
Hey there! I make video edits for your fav songs/movies and would appreciate any feedback i can get!
ua-cam.com/video/GcWha5l3RkQ/v-deo.html
@@nightshiftts are you serious
@@nightshiftts This isnt the time to be promoting that
@@kenmakozume4861 He's a bot
it's funny how the earlier parts have so many chapters, and the late parts are long, uneasy segments. really hits home that once easily distinguishable memories melt together into an uncomfortable mess.
That is one of the most depressing realisations from this album. Seeing it cut up like this on a timeline hits me really hard.
It's funny, your comment... Barely known, easily... *f o r g e t a b l e* haha! It's like it's, its- I KNOW! *I t s* *j u s t* *a* *b u r n i n g* *m e m o r y*
I hate that this comment was already liked for me, I knew I listened to the first 10 minutes before but I've been scrolling for half an hour and just now saw it again, feels really strange yet not
It also makes those later stages feel so much longer. All of the stages are roughly the same length, but as I listen to stages, 4 5 and 6, it just feels so stretched. Long. I think this can be taken both ways. It forces the listener to be in the present, just as all dementia patients are forced to be. They can't recall anything, they can't make plans for the future. They are forcibly stuck in the present. I also feel like this is meant to symbolize the long, long process of seeing one of your relatives fall to this disease. The first 2 stages could be mistaken as memory loss and motor control loss due to old age, and those times seem to go by so quickly before you realize that there is a problem. Stage 3 comes around and it feels just as fast, but you know there's a problem now and the air is melancholy. Past that, though, and days for those caring for the dementia patient can feel long and tiring. You see slightly more decline every day, every week, every month, every year, until the person is trapped under layers of fog, most likely never to return.
@@pey4681 that's very edgy bruh