Can a Narcissist Change?
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- Опубліковано 15 жов 2024
- • 7 Clues to SPOT the Na...
Can a Narcissist Change? Can a Narcissistic person actually move out of self-centeredness and develop some humility and accountability? Is Intimacy possible with a Narcissist? These are great questions because it turns out our relationship depends on the answers.
How to get HER in the MOOD (funny)
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Just read a book on narcissism written by a psychiatrist in my country (I'm from Hungary). He's been treating narcissistic and NPD patients for decades. It was an extremely triggering as well as educating read to me. His experiences, sadly, show that even those "mature" narcs who seek therapy are extremely difficult to improve. It takes several years and a very professional, resilient therapist. Even then, the majority of the cases are failures. This personality style, mostly if pathological, is massively rigid. I've seen it with my Dad. Lost cause, I'd suggest you guys run for the hills, and find a healthy person. Seriously.
How I can get the book?
Thanks a lot for your information.
Mi a cime és írója annak a könyvnek? Előre is köszönöm. ❤
Most narcissist cannot/will not change. It is a stubborn personality trait and is set early in childhood. They are incapable of self reflection and therefore cannot bend into change. They prefer to play the victim and blame others for all of their issues.
Thanks. Noted.
@@startingbrandnew3055 Bánki György: A legnagyszerűbb könyv a nárcizmusról.
Intentions don’t mean a thing especially when the narcissistic person gets a kick out of being hurtful.
Being hurtful is their intention.
Oh yeah, my narcissist says intentions are everything 😅😂
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
As the person above said. INTENTIONALLY getting a kick out of horrendously hurting someone IS their INTENT from the beginning. Getting that kick IS THEIR INTENT.
My narc says things like, it's not my intent to hurt you. Although he does things behind my back that he knows he wouldn't do in front of me or accept if it were him on the receiving end.
He's been asking me to compromise on a boundary I have of him chillin' with another woman...and because I won't compromise, he's been saying that I'm controlling.
Like, am I wrong?
Tbh, even after having a calm conversation with him, it always always goes left, and because his behavior never matches his promises, and he has torn me down, I no longer have respect for him. I'm angry all the time now, and I hate it.
Narcissists don't change but a person who was raised by a narc and therefore adopted their behavior, that person can change
Where do you think the Narcissist got their behavior from?
Still won’t change because the mother will never change and still yelling at him
I left
The process was slow, I was always tired, always in a bad mood and I could barely function. When my thoughts got in a really dark place I went to therapy and I think it saved my life. I didn't know I was in a mentally abusive relationship for 10 years. I was hard to realize, the manipulation was subtle but continous. When he thought he trapped me financially (house) and I learned with the help of my therapist to set boundaries and get in touch with my feelings, everything got worse. I tried for nearly one year by changing my bahavior. In 11 years not one sorry for anyhting he did. no step forward...
Juste make sure when you leave to understand what was your part in the story, it will help so much for the future.
I hope he will be able one day to reflect his behavior, but not with me at his side anymore.
Now living my best life, no regrets. I have lot of energy. I lost my dreamhouse, some friends, the village I loved, but nothing of this was worth staying and I managed to replace them quickly.
Being alone (when you're really alone) is not as hard as beeing alone when your partner is around.
I relate to a lot of this. I lost a lot. And unfortunately haven't rebuilt sufficiently after more trauma broke me. But I was with him a long time. Felt tied there by financial entanglement. And I loved him and yearned for the way things were in the first year and a half. I think I still do tbh. Now I am old(ish) and tired and I think I might be alone forever now. But I had a child and she is my life now. I hope I can help her avoid my mistakes.
@@warriorqueen9792 i wish you a lot of strength and all the best
Omg!!!. I was with a narc man for 13yrs! I have OCD and chronic depression. He's AuDHD and I suspect he's covert, vulnerable narcissist (rare). He used his diagnosis as a crutch, demanding that i do more, accomodate more, change, forgive more. So much manipulative BS using his autism! He even tried to gaslight me into believing that i should let him interrupt me whenever he wanted because "my AuDHD makes it hard to keep thoughts for to long"🙄. Every year he got worse, meaner, gaslighting and making me believe I was the only problem. That I was ableist and a bad partner.
The threat of a meltdown and physical intimidation grew and got worse when I began to set boundaries and try to hold him accountable. He said i had "impossible standards" when i asked for basic respect or communication. When I asked that he please not scream in my face, he said I was "trying to control his emotions and how he expressed them".
I made myself small, I dismissed my needs, dismissed my OCD and depression symptoms, i started to hurt myself as an outlet. When I got really, deeply depressed I tried hurting myself permanently. He made fun of me, called me dramatic and an insufferable c*nt. He left me during my depression because he "couldn't take living with somebody so needy and difficult."
Within months Iof being single i was back to my old self, peaceful. I took the plunge to date, just for the ego boost and that's how I met my new partner. My new boyfriend has the same diagnosis and behaves NOTHING LIKE MY EX!!!. Turns out those "impossible standards" were the bare minimum; it was just impossible for HIM to meet them😂.
Now, I get love, compassion, communication. All the things my EX demanded from me, I meet the expectations and get them in return. I'm still in therapy, but I'm loving and living at my best.
It absolutely does get better♡♡♡
True. When you're on your own without that negative input, you can find your true self.
My husband has been gone for about 8 months now. During that time, I've gone through an array of emotions and feelings. I'm am no longer so hypervigilant and feel really good about what I want and expect from now on. He will be back in a couple of months, so we will see then if he's willing to make it work. I'm holding my position to not allow that behaviour anymore. I think he will be shocked. Although I am prepared that he may continue past actions that I will no longer tolerate.
@@CherylAnnLambert when I left my relationship it felt like a weight off my shoulders. I was giddy. All the best with your situation. They might try to tell us what they think we want to hear but they need to mean it.
Narcissists DON'T change, certainly not to any significant degree. If you're in a relationship with a narcissist, get out of there FAST as it will just be a matter of time before they gradually destroy your soul, your self-esteem, your confidence, your self of self etc etc.
Exactly. They may be able to change their behaviour for a short time but it is impossible to be what you are not.
100%. Narcissist absolutely don't change. They put on a temporary act as they're ultimately manipulative and self-absorbed.
Why he is talking in the video that narcissist can change? He might be one of them.. he was cheating his wife I wonder what his wife has to say about him?😅
😢😢Anyone can change. "Narcissist" are NO exception. Should you hang around until they decide to change... No! But to say that a person can not change is an unfair judgement on a person's life. Because at some point, even you ignored toxic behaviors about yourself until God revealed them to you to change... and you made those changes once facing certain fears, experiences, trauma, wounds, etc... ANYONE can change. Sometimes their process just takes a little longer than yours. And just like with you, God also gives them that same grace to walk out of their error. Yes, some refuse change, while others eventually will embrace it.
I am in a 3 yr old relationship, I am the narcissist, although i never physically hurt my girlfriend, I fucked up. She wants to break up with me. But I really want to change. I hope your words are not true. I hope I can change and treat my girlfriend the way that she deserves. I am Human too
Fiance left me around Thanksgiving, and now Im watching her repeat the cycle with a new guy.
The worst part is knowing all I did for 5 years was try to help her grow at the cost of my own progress and growth, only to have her leave because I got jealous and miserable for being ignored and belittled.
If anyone else is struggling please remember: You deserve better.
💔🙏 Thank you!
You’re blessed. Someone took your problem away.
Almost same story. My ex fiancé (partner of 5 years) left me in October last year. I adored this man and I supported him financially for a year so that he can learn graphic design (he lost his job during the pandemic because of a fight with a co-worker). He then used his skills on graphic design to flirt with girls and he eventually cheated. All while accusing me of being insecure, jealous, and controlling.
Losing this person was devastating. But nothing can compensate for the amount of peace and reflection that comes from this kind of relationship.
@@danielacruz149Oh my dear God. I'm so sorry! You can do wothout him, glad you are realizing that it's good for you.
I am also going through losing a person I cared a lot about. I know I have to push through the pain. 😐💪
Wow .. I'm so sorry you had to go through that
One can have Narcissistic behavior as a trauma response of their own without ACTUALLY being a narcissist and those people can get better.
Most narcs are the way they are because of trauma, and most dont get better even with help. You cannot help someone that does not want to be helped. For them it is way easier to lie and manipulate, then to be open and honest to their psychologist.
Your talking about narcissistic behaviors, as you said, not a true narcissist. This video is about a true narcissist. If you’re aware of your behavior then you are not a narcissist.
@@staceystrukel1917
Punky said as a trauma response. Which is called reactive abuse.
I have found it’s not abuse as much as incredible doting and spoiling. The notion they do nothing wrong.
@@staceystrukel1917Narcissists are aware of their behaviors, but they lack insight necessary to change. A person needs both cognitive and emotional empathy to gain insight and they only have cognitive empathy.
I had to finally decide that it was more important to not allow my children to think this was an acceptable way to be in a relationship. Unfortunately, it put my life at risk and landed him in jail. Be safe out there everyone who is ready to leave a toxic relationship! Thank you for these videos!
You too darl . All the best to you and your family ❤
My husband told me that he would take with him everyone who hurt him when he decided to go... Now I understand that even divorce is not a solution...
@@God4all777stay safe. Hope and love to you. Does he hurt you now?I hope you're able to get free in a safe way.... maybe you'll need to change your identity, etc but please stay safe. ❤
I know this is meant for romantic relationships, but as a child of a narcissistic parent, this has helped me with knowing how to set boundaries. Thank you, Jimmy!
I was so upset that my responses were not who I am. Silent treatment to an abuser is called gray rock. Reactive abuse is not our fault; it's survival.
I just searched it up and i am unintentionally doing the grey rock method. After years of abuse from my narcissistic mother, one day the bruises lost the meaning to them. I was so confused and aangry for the first time because i couldnt see any reason why these bruises were on me. For once neither her nor me could give a reason. And i vowed to only speak to her after my bruises got better...
Except, the silent treatment has been my solution all along. It took me two weeks to get rid of the bruises but this peace i felt, i finally realised why people seek peace. Its been more than a month now. I havent looked back even after i got better. And i dont think i will
My ex is a narcissist, but he was like that due to a survival trait related to the negative environment he had growing up according to research. He is a better human now. Not for everyone, and it's a slow process, it seems. Accountability is huge, but how Jimmy taught me to approach telling him about my needs properly, with respect. Anyways since then, he watches Jimmys videos and is growing. Have hope, but dont waste yourself, I only really found peace once I started to heal myself and hold us both accountable. ❤️ Jimmy changed our life! Many blessings 🙏🏽
Thank you for this. I’m a narcissist. And I want to change so bad. I grew up with a bipolar mother and a narcissistic father. And now I verbally abused my wife. And hate the person that I am today. I’m desperate for help, I’m desperate for change. If I can’t be with my wife. At least the change is for my son. I don’t want him to grow up like me.
Thank you for this positive and hopeful comment. And best wishes for your transformation journey.
Thank you for this positive post. I think I'm about ready to try what you are talking about and you give me hope. I might try one of the books/authors mentioned here and see how it goes.
@@Giltorres88 There is a youtube channel named HealNPD by a therapist that specializes in NPD. He has a very professional yet compassionate approach to help those who suffer from NPD.
I saw my narcissistic ex following you on instagram. It was like a slap in the face. Having to go through so much with my ex just to see her following an account like this on instagram didn’t feel good. I’m glad that putting me through hell has helped her want to change 🙃
If she's a narcissist she might be watching these to convince yourself that YOU are the narcissist. Narcissists project themselves onto others.
I realized my husband is one and I think I have to leave. It always tends to be the case that AFTER they lose their "first wife" they suddenly figure out how to change the bad behaviors they claim were unchangeable. I'm sure this goes for women as well. Hope you're doing better now without her, though.
Hate to tell you that she's probably following this kind of channel because she's deflected her narcissism onto whoever she's emotionally abusing at the moment.
Didn’t wait around for that change - emotional abuse is not an optional now, today … not tomorrow !
That's right baby!!! I'm also better at calling people out too! We all get upset, but handling it is very telling! I'm neurodivergent and so is my new, non-narc partner. When he gets overwhelmed and disregulated, he might yell, but I can say "Hey, i get you're irritated, but you're starting to get offensive. It's time to disengage." And he does!!! When he's back under control without prompt, he apologizes. Every time!!!
That never happened with my ex. No apology, no care, no change. Just escalation. Good riddance! I got a much better upgrade♡
I agree… RUN!
It doesnt matter what label you put on a toxic person, they will continue to be toxic no matter what the other partner does.
I showed him I'd leave and he doubled down on the toxic and became even worse. So I left. Hes back to hoovering. I'm not buying it.
I caught him out with his side, chick on Valentine’s Day, then a couple days later I discovered a secret checking account. After researching, I found that he had been funneling money off of the family account for quite some time into this secret account. When I confronted him, he defended her. I filed for divorce. He’s been served and he has tripled down on his toxic behavior. Absolutely incredible. He’s now trying to play the victim and I’m starting to feel sorry for him. I had to get out my shit list and review it of all the crappy things that he’s done to me over the years. I know it’s not gonna changetime to leave
They can change - it's rare, but possible, I've seen it in my ex partner, after he was abusive to me for 15 years...
I left for a couple months and he tried for a bit after I came back. Things got worse again and I had to stand firm and show him I wouldn't take his crap anymore. Our relationship is still bad but he doesn't do the same things. I'm about to see if he can learn to be nice by doing what Jimmy suggests on this video.
@@julieseymour3192 good luck
Lundy Bancroft says only 1-3% ever change. And they only 'change' if they stay in therapy several times every single week for the rest of their lives. He says that, even after years of therapy for many, many hours, if they stop they'll go right back to old behaviours. So that brings it down to 0%.
I believe that people can have a Damascus road experience, or a Nebuchadnezzar eating grass...but those are few and far between
Someone with narcissistic trait in theory change. Someone with narcissistic personality disorder. Run! Recognise the signs and leave!
What's the difference
@@mikimiki6202everyone has ego and narcissistic traits as they exist on a spectrum. NPD is a clinical diagnosis. Narcissistic traits are known to be high amongst teenagers and also there's what's called fleas that can be taken on amongst children of narcissistic parents but outgrown.
My 20 year anniversary is next month. I, and my children, sleep at our new place tonight.
I finally have had enough. I've cried a lot this last month. He said he's finally seen the light and can totally change and be present in our relationship and family. My question is, if it was so easy, why didn't he do it 15 years ago when I first started saying he wasn't participating in our life.
Such a waste of time...all those years.
I'm there, too. But sitting on a fence. 20 years in. Kids. Husband who doesn't understand accountability. That apologies have two sides: words and actions. I hear lots of words. Never actions. Now I'm saying the words 'im out' and he's finally responding. But why do I have to go nuclear for a response?
His attempt to regain you is called Hoovering. This is a Narcissistic behavior designed to bring the victim back under their control. It's pretty sad because they transform temporarily, but only to manipulate.
I left my relationship just before my 30th anniversary and we dated for 7 years before we got married. I was only 17 when I fell in love with him. I still love the person he was for the short time he actually treated me well. I’m so disappointed in him I did the trial leave and he just didn’t care. He went to a therapist and told me they said it was my fault, I’m the one who needed help. I left for good last April and I’m struggling so much with my heart and brain, I can’t understand how he wouldn’t fight for us, just walked away after 37 years but I deserve better. I could have stayed and sometimes honestly think it would have been easier. I was used to being treated in that way, I could deal with it, yes I was miserable but I had been for years. My mother in law lived with it, until she died, I feel awful for the way she had to live, but you stayed married because divorce was a sin, the poor woman never realized God would never want that for her. I’m going no contact with him it’s the only way I can heal, this after much back and forth emotions. Twice in our relationship he physically assaulted me 20 some years apart as he promised after the first time to never do it again and he didn’t, until he did. Jimmy’s videos are helping me so much, but it’s a very long and bumpy road.
@@shannonhoffman7873I’d leave hun, I always got this apology, I know you deserve better, I’ll change, you’ll see I’ll be a different man from this day forward, I heard that so many times I could say it with him, but no action ever came and once I got that apology and it wasn’t even two hours after he was back to raging and calling me names. Empty promises mean nothing and never will.
I am so proud of you ladies. I am doing the same … soon will be out of this toxic relationship!
Howry cwap after hearing this information. I can Identify as a covert narcissist in a relationship with a covert narcissist. I may not be much but I'm all I think about. While believing I do everything for everybody. This gives me some hope hearing your perspective on narcissist having a chance at relationship success
10:47 - This! Great feedback. Yes. Stop putting power back in their court. Yes, “narcissist” may not be the best word. “Deceivers” sounds more appropriate. Because they deceive everyone including themselves.
I love this. Deceivers, even to themselves
they have to face there pain instead of suppressing and face their fears. MOST aren’t going to change until they hit rock bottom! Sometimes not even then. My dad lost two children to death and me who don’t speak to them again. He had a severe back surgery and he still hasn’t changed at 73. He is now alone and single.
Amazing Video Thanks!! 🎉🙏🙏🙏 I’m the “narcissist” in the relationship and I don’t want to be doomed like everyone else seem to say about that narcissists can’t heal. I believe I can do anything I put my mind to but this has really made me doubt when everyone says it’s impossible.
You gave me a boost of more hope! Thank you 🙏
Loved the video!!!! ❤
I love this!! I hope you never refer to yourself as a narcissist again! It’s not true :)
I think people say that because it can be very hard for a narcissistic person to feel like they need to change. It is a very brave thing to say.
"The good days don't matter, you can't control them into connection"
😢
For the person reading this, who is trying to get themselves out of one of these relationships...or maybe you're just starting to realise what you're dealing with... It has taken around 3 years of healing, but finally I feel relief and freedom instead of sadness at 'losing' this imaginary character who repeatedly reinforced my own thoughts... that I didn't matter. These people can utterly destroy your self worth, and nothing you can ever do or say will ever change them. Nothing. Keep the faith and give yourself time to heal.
Key word = imaginary character
Thank you Jimmy for the end where you reach out to those who aren't narcissists but are being called that even though they want to build actual real connection with their significant other and are willing to put in the work.
Thanks for the advice because, as a narcissist, I do not want to be like I am anymore. I want to develop a loving relationship with my amazing wife. These videos are really hard to listen to since I see and understand my wife's pain. New plan. We both deserve true love, true respect. I am starting to finally understand the pain I am causing and no one deserves that. Time for me to heal to make sure my wife doesn't hurt anymore. She is deserving of so much more. Lots of crying, healing and understanding of what I want and need to do. Thank you.
I was waiting for this video. I love your skits and the way you show the problems of the narcissists. I see a lot of that in myself that I was doing without realizing it. I realized when my ex broke up with me because she didn't love me anymore and when I tried to figure out why, I identified these behaviours that with this channel I can now identify them as me being a narcissist and not really listening to her.
But I hated how I am like the villain in the story. It's not like I chose to be like this. It's who I am and my childhood played a big part to being like this and it's not easy to just not be a narcissist. So sometimes I feel there is no hope for me.
But this video made me realize that it's a journey to heal or at least limit the bad effects of narcissism behaviour. Even when I don't manage to fully heal, I'll make sure to let know my future partner of these issues so we can help each other.
Thank you jimmy for your content
While we all are ultimately responsible for decisions we make as adults, traumatised children have no such out. An adult with a repressed abused inner child will be acting out unconsciously or without insight, in ways that destroy relationships. The child is trying to survive by avoiding the horrendous sense of annhialation of self they experienced. There are functional, social, emotional, cognitive and physiological deficits caused. They often repeat abusive behaviours they were subject to, without realising they are being abusive....if they dont see those behaviours as abuse, they dont have to feel the impact of realising they were abused.
Society will be healthier when we can act with more compassion, instead of demonising people . I wish you kindness on your healing journey. ❤
You can and will change with self honesty like this.
Good for you!
I can't say that he is a narcissist, I can say I had to leave. UGH! the hardest thing I had to do. And I can say, I am more true to myself then I have ever been. Another sad, but satisfying statement.
That is actually the best video on this specific topic I have ever seen. And I swear, I saw a lot of them. My best friend has many of these narcissistic treits. We have known each other for almost a lifetime and she did hurt me many times in my life. Left scars. Impacted all of my realitionships. But now we are trying to work it out together and I am starting to heal.
And this video was talking about it as well. It was not just labeling someone as narcissist, but actually doing something for that realitionship. Doing something for yourself and your self-validation as well.
Especially the last part about how protecting yourself from harm can actually demage your life and realitionships. This one hits really hard.
Thanks for this video.
Thank you for this. My narc has worked hard to change, and yes, it took the fear of losing me and the recognition of depression (not in that order). Do they still do narcissistic things... of course, and sometimes they slip up, but life is so much better now than it was. We are healing and a work in progress. Nothing I did or said made a difference for a long time, though, and there are lasting effects we both have to live with. It has to be their decision change. So I can see why many never change. I also had to recognize his attempts to change and get away from the label in order to see it and allow it. I'm glad I did. Not all narcissists are the same. Some are actually people with strong narcissistic tendencies that go full-blown as a response to something else (like depression), but that can be missed, and labels don't help.
Problem is, when you start identifying and calling out the toxic behavior, it makes things a thousand times worse because of the way it inflames the deep shame that already exists for the narcissist. People with narcissistic traits can change. People with NPD cannot, because they simply cannot take accountability for their wrongdoings.
Would love to see a video on ASD/ ND narcissists. Im aware ASD is often confused for narcissism, but it would be good to see the signs that aren't overlap♡
So true!
My ex used to say he is a better version of himself now after he had been dumped by his wife. He even said that I wouldnt have liked him if I had met him in his 30ths. Now, this kind of self-reflection was why I stayed almost 6 years with him. Unfortunatley the last year he slowly returned to his former version ... and he was right: i didn't like him so I am convinced there is no constant change of charakter possible. Only of behaviour.
All of Jimmy's videos have been so pertinent, but this one was the one that really hit home for me! Even though HE left after yet another spontaneous rage reaction, and he regretted it 3 days later, I was ready for the separation after 7 yrs. Then I dove into learning about the Narcissistic Personality and now understand the classic patterns that he exhibited. He will not change. I loved the man I thought he was, not who he really was and always will be. Our separation was absolutely necessary and healthy. I am wiser and happier from these great lessons from Jimmy (the best!) and some others. Thank you!!!
I just found your video about narcissism and it's eye-opening. Currently, I am healing from emotional abuse and neglect from narcs, I am an empath
I truly love the way you present serious subjects…most people here are struggling and hinging on depression or worse so it’s so wonderful to hear true difficult facts in very good way!
God bless you!
0:20 You are awesome Jimmy Thank you so much for identifying the exact issue. I've been working on this for my first 19-year marriage and then on right now 8-year marriage get the nail on the head Thanks so much :-)
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! They don’t admit - they just destroy! Run
Jimmy !
Your presentation on the victims& behaviors of narcissistic abuse ,of which I am one of them,IZ the BEST I have ever heard ,bar none !
Your delivery / cadence compassion & empathy makes for easy understanding for application of core principals for surviving this malstrom
" Get busy living in ,
Or get busy dying "
Red .
' SHAWSHANK REDEMPTION
'
Thank you so much.
Sincerely Yours;
Joseph'
I told her,
" You disrespected me for the Last time"
I walked.
A week later she sent me a video by Trisha Year Wood : "Walk
Away Joe " !
Thank you for the video!!! Keep on raising awareness: narcissistic abuse creates so much damage in society and leads to huge beautiful human potential loss (or even suicide) 🙏
This has been so helpful thank you! I am at the beginning of a separation. You have confirmed that what I’m doing is the right thing to do. Thank you! 🙏
You have to Save Yourself!
I wish I could book a session with you in person Jimmy, your ability to explain things is excellent mate. Good for a laugh in your sketches too
Facto NON Verba ....When actions consistently don't allign with words ...its 💯 time to leave and NEVER look back
Jimmy, I love your voice!! Just listening to you makes my day so much better. Thank you for the insights...and your calm but lovely voice. Happy Spring !!!!❤❤❤
I have been watching your videos for a few weeks and finally got the clarity to ask for a divorce. First i asked for what i needed (attention, validation and all the other things you mentioned).
Learning radical acceptance that they do not want to change is the only thing that can change (within ourselves). If they don’t put in the work in most other areas of their life, in most probability they won’t have the desire to put that energy into you or making anything better. If they can afford someone’s loyalty, that’s good enough for them.
I remember explaining thinking errors (that we all do myself incuded!!!!) eg. Black and white thinking. My biggy is catastrophising. He interpreted it as criticism and got very cross with me and then made sure he pointed out when I engaged in the same. This reaction was the polar opposite of what I intended in sharing this with him. I went round in the same circular nonsense for years. (It was hard to leave on a practical level. Plus I loved him). Took me a long time to realise. I left in the end. If anyone manages to help their narcissist to do some work on themselves I congratulate you.
Wanting to share in a mutually fulfilling and honest relationship is a normal response. It's normal. Being in a power dynamic where they don't care about your feelings, aren't willing to listen, cut you off, shut you out, bring you in only to shut you out is NOT okay, it's dysfunctional. It will, over time, take from you and you will be like me, trying to find your way back to normal.
I think it’s actually dangerous to tell someone a narcissist will/can change because individuals can get stuck in these kind of relationships in the hope the narcissist will change. I saw my mum enduring a lot of suffering at the hands of my dad who was a violent narcissist. I am 53 I have dealt with plenty of narcissistic people ( I seem to be a magnet for them) and I never met one that wanted to change. In fact what I have seen they do get worse as they age. Sadly some of these people have perfected the art of being evil with the years.
I think it's actually beneficial to send a message out there to the narcissists that they can change (which is possible, I've seen it myself in my partner)
And Jimmy at no point is giving "false hope" to trap partners, it's quite the opposite: he keeps insisting that we have the responsibility to take care of ourselves, set boundaries, and leave if needed
Thank you so much for wisdom in self knowledge. To see how we are tied proves lack of love, to love them enough to leave them in God's hands and get out of the way so he can take care of them and to become a better person.
9:10 This is the realization that hit home for me this weekend. Happy Labor Day! I’m birthing myself a new life!
I’ve been binging your videos for a few weeks now Jimmy and just now realized that the relationship died maybe 2/3 years ago and all I’ve been doing is acting out the denial portion of the grief stage. It’s so freeing to see and understand it that way. Helps unlock me from the dance we do.
Thank you so much!! 🙏🏼
Thank you so much for this excellent message! I feel so supported and encouraged. You kindly illustrate useful methods to deal with this difficult situation. This is exactly the point that I am at with someone I love dearly.
I am watching for the third time!!
Good knowledge delivered softly, as needed when revisiting painful memories ❤
So powerful and I live this perspective
The narcissist in my life, is my mother. I cut her off almost a year ago. The way you have worded it, made me realize she will never change. Made me realize that all the blame is on me. My aunt's and uncles and mother all want ME to change, and be in contact with her again. They want me to push things aside, and invalidate me, simply because she is my mother...I cut contact because of how she was treating my kids, especially my oldest. I have maintained no contact, for myself as well. After I cut contact for them, I realized how much I deserved that peace as well.
The take away, for me, is to learn to spot the toxic traits before becoming involved but if already involved get help on setting healthy boundaries.
Oh Jimmy… I need a hug. Thank you for understanding this pain. ❤
🤗 big hugggg!!!!
Every video is so spot on. Thank you so much!
So so right!! It’s hard but thank you for saying it clear 🙏🏻🙏🏻
This is beautiful, helpful and balanced. There is so much information out there about narcissists that view them, and relationships, from a 'toxic' perspective. Thank you, Jimmy. You have given us some great ways to nurture our relationships (if indeed they are safe) that are kind, respectful and mature 🙏🏾❤️
No coincidence that I am here! When the student is ready, the teacher will appear! I could relate to all you had to share! Your video was knowledgeable, enlightening and imho, so right on! Thank you!!
My parents are narcissists and I had to walk away from those relationships. It was messy and their behavior was disgusting. Every day I mourn my lack of properly caring birth parents.
I hear you, same here. My parents are in their late 80s and I am living in another state and trying to love them anyway and go there a couple of times a year but carefully limit my time with them. Cut off my brother years ago because of his lifelong toxic behavior that was so hurtful. Decided I had to walk away for my own mental health. Just discovered (realized) my sister a full-blown narcissist who I thought was my best friend. They are professional fires and gaslighters that can string you along for a lifetime if you don't become aware of it. These people don't change. They have no regard for you or your feelings. NONE. life is about them and they don't change. They are professional liars and gas lighters who can string you along for a lifetime if you're never made aware of what's going on and put a stop to it by walking away. The damage it causes is immeasurable
It has been a one way relationship. I believe he may be a covert narcissist. Everything you said resonates with my situation. He took every advantage & loved bombed in the beginning to make me think he was “the one”. I went all in and didn’t notice he was taking advantage of my caring for him.
Never once did he give me a gift. Not for birthday or Christmas or the one year we were together on Valentines Day. Totally neglectful to my need for even being acknowledged. This wasn’t even close to love yet I hung in there hoping to fix what was broken. I am a shell of what I once was. I do have some very grounded and wise Christian friends. Now I am trying to move on to start over.
I meant to add. Realizing I allowed this to happen is important. Not easy. I lived with him for a year & helped him with big projects of refinishing furniture and bought many things for his home. I even sold my home in Utah. I didn’t give him the money. I did start to feel defensive and crazy. I was set up in situations when we went out with his “friends” as being needy and defensive to find out he only cared what they thought about how cool he was. Sarcastic, charismatic and the center of attention. His previous girlfriend killed herself!
You enlighten me thank you so much you save me ! You clear everything in my mind ..the word that stick on me no one will save me I need to save me I often feel guilty because he wants to come back while thinking my life will be in danger makes realize this kind of relationship wasn't for me .he been try to kill me but the bond that's keeps me😢 to him ..I pray to God cut all the cord that binds me to him
Excellent advice. I just subscribed. Thanks for sharing!
Wow. You explain things so well!!!
This was very encouraging! Healing and change is possible.
This is the best video I've seen yet on relationships with Narcissists. This is making me feel like it's time to line up where I'm going to go the next time things go sideways.
Thank You! You do great work!
Amen! Thank you for verbalizing my whole life and especially the last 10 years.
Thank you so much, really needed this
Thank you Jimmy, for both the validation and the accountability
This is so true and enlightening. I see things so much more clearly now. I wish I had seen this 8 months ago.
I’m not in a relationship but your video was so great that I had to watch it. Please continue with your awesome videos and have a good day!! :)
Much love for your empathetic and wiseness and logic and practicality on the subject.
❤❤
Thanks for providing a wiser direction.
Thank you for this. ❤
I don't think so. It's formed deeply in childhood and may have rewired the brain. We can hope, but be realistic. They really don't feel love for anyone, especially for themselves. Good luck to all those who endure the narcissist. ❤
Yeah same, I think they’re just a lost cause… they will use others to get something out of them but nothing more. They can pretend to love, I saw my ex always caring about me, listening to me and so on and then he stopped all of a sudden and didn’t want to talk to me, show me affection, he blamed me for feeling sad and so on. It was so different it was shocking to me. He’s never admitted it, but he’s never wanted a real relationship, he just wanted to play
They can change - it's rare, but possible, I've seen it in my ex partner, after he was abusive to me for 15 years... we're not together anymore but still in touch, and he is a totally different person (and much more at peace with himself I must say, now that he's out of his vicious cycle)
I guess brain injury to their prefrontal regions have been healed. That's great!
I would love if you also did some episodes on Toxic family member traits not just romantic partner relationships. 🙏🏻
Hi Jimmy, I'm struggling to figure out what is going on what my 25 year old son, some of his behavior seems like it's in the narcissistic personality wheelhouse. It's been tough to just walk away from him. He has cut out all relationships with family and friends. Does not return text messages, or answer his phone when attempts have been made by family members and friends.He isolated initially from friends and a year later from family.He has a history of anxiety and OCD. He has dismissed everyone and has seems to have no empathy for how his behavior is impacting his parents and grandparents lives. We all miss him, and he does not seem to care. It has been going on for several years, and has become worse over time. I suspect it is mental illness. He has always been very connected to family prior to 23. The only person he has responded to text messages is his younger brother. He showed up at his graduation this past May and refused to stay with his family when he showed up unexpectedly. He wound up sleeping on a bench instead. He was raised in a middle upper class family went to a great college and had every advantage in life. After working a year in finance and living at home after college he abandoned this field and took off for Miami for a year , he now lives in Hells Kitchen NYC on the money he earned out of school in finance. Has not asked for money or help financially. He says he writing a screenplay that he feels will be hugely successful, however has refused to share it with anyone. He says he can't have any distractions as his way of justifying the isolation. He says if I can't contribute to his plight there is no point in us having contact. My heart is broken💔.So i'm no longer in a relationship with my son. We have always been very close. I have recently refrained from texting him, and every so often i will send him a message wishing him well and letting him know I love him. Not sure what else I can do...
Thank you Jimmy!
I have learned is never about asking if someone else can change, but HOW CAN I CHANGE. that is the only way one I will bring peace, well-being and healing to my life.
Apologies? Huh?
In my experience, the one who is abused is the one who apologizes.
The abuser tells you that you made it up or you're too sensitive.
Or it was your fault that it happened at all.
In my experience, they do not apologize.
Ever.
Even if they do, it always gets turned around as your fault
In my experience, they do apologize but its a fake apology because they will repeat the behavior non stop.
It's too much its hard not to think they are manipulating you
I was in the fog of confusion, hope and projecting my schemas regarding love that was never there for 30 years of marriage. At my age in my new journey, I only pray the emotional damage I’ve suffered hasn’t stained my heart and mind forever. I’m scared to find out. 😢
I really appreciate your devouring efforts to elevate our self awareness ❤
Crazy. I was just preparing to start a list of things I need to work on. Thanks for the tip. 😊
Thank you soooooooooo much Jimmy!❤
It’s time for me to leave, and I don’t feel like I have anyone here for me
Before even watching the video I'd say the answer is no... I'm no expert but I realized a long time ago that unfortunately I married one, but of course, he will never admit it, which I think would be the first step, and not only that, he's gotten much worse over time 😬... anyway, love your content 👍
😢
They’ll admit it and continue to manipulate. Changed behavior for a long period of time is the only indicator. My ex had no problem admitting he was a narcissist, almost proud of it. He used that to keep me hooked longer.
@@staceystrukel1917 My husband has never and will never admit it, he has excuses for everything he does wrong, he blames everybody else and he never apologizes, I mean NEVER (why would he when it's always someone else's fault, right?) ... at this point I don't even care anymore, tbh 😁
@@neneg.4264 mine never admitted he was wrong either. He admitted he was a narcissist and used it to manipulate.
@@staceystrukel1917 I don't know what's worse, admitting to be one and use it to manipulate ppl or never admitting it and keep being a jerk 💁♀️ ... hope you're doing well, good luck 🤗
I agree that the Layperson's idea of what a narcissist is versus a diagnosed narcissist. A laymen's narcissist can change. A clinical diagnosed narcissist is unlikely
Thank you for your wonderful explanation. So much help and good advice. Thank you for your compassion 🙏💚
Thank you Jimmy this was awesome, exactly what I needed to hear, all the ins and outs, both sides good and bad. No complete answers because every situation is different but really helpful to be advised to see a counsellor on your own first. It would be helpful to hear this video without the narcissist slant so it could be shared with someone who has those traits because it would immediately instigate feelings of blame rather than have a progressive goal ❤
Agree with this comment 100%!! Such an excellent video, I feel like to a (let’s call them) ‘narcissist in recovery’ or at least someone in whom you still see good and love, or someone willing to approach some level of introspection despite their hugely problematic narcissistic traits, this may be almost palatable… But the risk of them just getting defensive is still there. But yes, after watching this and it being exactly what I need to hear, I’m now trying to figure out how I can best share the majority of the content of this video with my now ex (whom I still love but can’t be in a relationship with for the time being). Jimmy this video was so incredibly constructive and helpful and I’ll be rewatching it. I love that it actually addresses questions so often ignored in the narcissism space/literature. And also that it also places a healthy level of accountability also on the receiver. Thank you so much for what you do, can’t tell you how much you have helped me ❤️
Everyone can change. Narcissists can change, murderers can change, cheaters can change, but why waste our precious life on them? In adult relationships no one has the right to intentionally hurt anyone in the first place.
Narcs cant change but they can be managed and they can manage their behaviour but they never become empathetic
Ni like ko only because sabi mo everyone can change
I believe that Jimmy’s point is that YOU have to change. You have to set your boundaries in your head. Declare your needs to yourself. Once you know who you are, you won’t take anything so the narcs weed themselves out.
YOU CHAMGE FIRST.
`Jimmy I think in reality, narcs not of them will Not change. They need heavy duty counseling from a counselor/therapist who is trained in narcissism. Most are not. I've been married to a narc for 32 yrs and went to 3 counselors. None of them ever caught his narcissism no matter what I said. I tried leaving him 4 times, this is my 5th. I'm leaving come hell or high water. I'm done!!!! Now he is so nice and so willing to work on the relationship. To late, I'm done, I'm out of here. Being vulnerable with a narc is like handing a pyromaniac gas and matches. To the narc its show time! Very, very few narcs recover.
Rigid is a very accurate word for their personality
Thank you so much for your videos 🙏🏻
I need to not give a damn anymore, I have no place to go and he knows it.
Go to your health department and get in a safe temporary house. They can give you resources just to get out until you get established
They put us in that situation before we realize who and what they are! It’s infuriating that there is nothing we can do because the laws in my state are ridiculous and so many attorneys either do not understand what NPD is or are in fact narcissists themselves and the courts being back logged and many judges showing zero humanity (I had one so bad that he helped the narcissists that came before him! He wrecked so many women and children’s lives- 2 of these women were murdered by the narcissist husband! This judge was removed from the bench a little over a year ago but for some that was too late! I’m over three years into this, I’m still not divorced and I have exhausted ALL my resources and lost a career of over 30 years because of this! We need these people who intentionally hurt people to be STOPPED!
Completely off topic but seeing people shorten narcissist to narc in the comments has me rolling with laughter bc where I am, narc means someone who snitches on people breaking the law and the only image in my head now is someone with NPD completely unphased by the threats made due to their emotional disconnect and just ratting *everyone* out who annoys them
This is so funny! 😂
Thank you very much for this video. Would it be possible to do a video, what to do if your boss is narcissist if you are already in his team? How to identify narcissistic boss on the job interview and not to get in his/her team at the beginning?
Hi Jimmy, a month ago I was in a relationship, I tried everything and could to save it, but in the end she didn’t want to try anymore. The thing is I wonder if she was a narcissist? She definitely showed signs of having an avoidant attachment style, so much so that she pushed me from being secure to having an anxious attachment style. Here’s a bullet point of characteristics:
- Initially loved bombed me when I was finally comfortable being single
- eventually criticized me for everything I did
- almost never showed respect or appreciation for the things I did
- said I complained all the time when I talked to her about stuff she did I didn’t like
- insulted me in public which prompted me to initiate a temporary break
- acted angry when I tried to give her some of her stuff back and drove me to block her even though she said she wanted to stay in touch after our relationship ended
If you or anyone can try to help me heal and understand why she did what she did, it would be greatly appreciated.
The greater question is why did you do what you did? My counselor said that people in abusive relationships get brain damage from the trauma caused by chronic mistreatment. She also said that such people are likely to experience abuse with someone else because they seek to heal or repair what they couldn't in the previous relationship. How low to non existent were your boundaries? How much abuse did you tolerate (how passive were you) and for how long and why did this submission happen? How can you strengthen yourself - your self esteem and assertiveness? We should probably read the books that Jimmy suggested and other books about such topics. A different counselor told me that if I was a stronger person with a healthier mindset, I would have never allowed myself to get abused in the first place. I agree, but I don't see this counselor anymore because she called me a baby multiple times and told me everything was my failt...I don't expect to get verbally abused by my counselor! Lol!
This is great. Spot on. ❤
I believe that the changes for them to change is almost cero.