@@Ash-zh5ygJesus, if you can’t criticize without defensiveness happening, no wonder. Criticism is essential because we will inevitably have negative reactions to something the other person is doing. The key is learning how to ask for the space to bring up things you’re dissatisfied about in your relationship WITHOUT letting the tendency to be defensive destroy the chance to find the truth. If criticism can’t happen in your relationship, you will never have a happy long term relationship. And if either partner can’t resist the urge to be defensive and rejects seeing things from the other person’s perspective, then withdrawal is inevitable, and the seeds for contempt are sown and the relationship has received a wound that is likely going to run its course to contempt, which means the relationship is over. But really, the ability for a couple to be able to criticize without fearing defensiveness has been the key to my current five+ year relationship being so happy.
Made me realize my 47 years with my late husband were pretty good. We never went to bed mad at each other, had lots of laughs, and while we were totally different people, we always supported each other. I have always felt blessed to have had those good years. We had rough spots, but we continued to work together to get through them. I feel you need to have a deep love and respect for your mate, for a marriage to last.
That’s awesome. I’m in a marriage that’s tenuous at best, full of hostility, but I’m taking the abuse so my kids have stability. I’m a child of divorce, so I know that’s worse.
@@throbbinwoodofcoxley6830 Bless you, but you also need to think of yourself, your own happiness. Your kids won’t be better off for living with 2 parents who aren’t happy, kids pick that up pretty quickly. Good luck to you and your family.
@throbbinwoodofcoxley6830 I don't know your situation, so take this advice with a grain of salt. Try to be a good servant to your husband. Sit with him and discuss what he seeks from you so that you can meet his expectations. Let him know that you wish to make him happy so that happiness sweeps into the entire household. Figure out what he considers disrespectful so that you can avoid disrespecting him unknowingly. Submit to his will in regard to leading the family. If he is truly a good man, this should absolutely turn things around if you are consistent, persistent, and genuine about this effort. It could truly create a beautiful home life for all of you. God's guidance can also help both of you in this endeavor if that is something you both wish to pursue. Again, I do not know your situation. I wish you the best of luck with the situation you are in and hope y'all figure things out for the best.
You'll find one if any part of u wants to, the average person has like 6, if u try to put yourself out there socially in anyway then u'd be suprised how many people u meet
My Mother gave me the best advice before marriage. "It helps if both people are a little blind and a little deaf." Meaning, you don't have to respond to every grumble. And you don't have to call out all their faults as soon as you see them. :)
I’ve been with my wife for 21 years and we’ve never experienced any of these. We’ve had issues occasionally but nothing like this. Makes me appreciate what we’ve got.
And I bet some of these things have happened like “harsh setup” his example was “we need to talk” how can you not say “we need to talk” in 21 years…he may be a professional but he’s also wild for that.
@@danielrivera1833 I’m pretty sure he meant the tone. There’s a difference between “I think we need to talk about _____”, and “HEY, we need to talk”. The problem with the harsh start-up is beginning the conversation a) on the offensive and b) assuming you’re “right” about the argument.
I had a serious relationship with a woman who would regularly start fights and basically open up the "discussion" at an intensity that was at least a 7 out of 10 every time before I even knew what she was upset about. Even with time and experience, it was extremely difficult to remain calm and composed when someone is intensely attacking you and being very emotional before you even know what is going on. I tried talking with her about this, but it never made any difference. Feels really good to have my feelings and thoughts validated here.
Some people are just broken beyond repair. I don't want to be that guy, but you should have realized early on that there wasn't anything really worth salvaging. Never try to fix a woman, only guide her. If she can't be guided, she's not the right one
That gal had underlying Trauma she needed to resolve with God + whoever caused it. If that's correct, then it was technically beyond your native ability to fix. You're patient to have borne such a challenging person. Do you still know her ?
We went to counseling, not for our marriage but for struggles from the outside that had a negative impact on both of us. The counselor told us we would be fine and weather the storm together because while hard times split many couples apart, ours only brought us closer together. Love and respect. Forty-three years and still going strong. Thank you Lord for this wonderful man, imperfect like me, but wonderful.
I've got a peach of a man. Hardworking, kind, loveable. But when he is home on weekends he just sits around, even if there are a million things to do. Because I love him I have let that go because I know there are worse things than just sitting around. We all have some flaws, it's just whether we are willing to get past it.
@@doodlebug59he is probably tired of working in weekdays and it is your responsibility to take care of him in weekends, massage him, cook for him, make him happy ✔️
@@doodlebug59 If he's hardworking, kind and lovable he's not "just sitting around" on the weekends. He's doing what he needs to do to be the man you love. Pressure him on weekends with great caution, his "flaws" may not be flaws at all.
1. Harsh startup 2. Defensiveness, contempt, criticism, stonewalling (4 horsemen) 3. Flooding 4. Physiological distress...aches, drinking 5. Bad memories... Interpret past badly 6. Failed repair attempts. Fighting isnt a problem. Failing to repair is. 7. Marriages never resolve their fights or come to a common understanding. Fight about whether you feel connected.
Malachi 3:5 And I will come near to you to judgment; and I will be a swift witness against the sorcerers, and against the adulterers, and 👉against false swearers,👈and against those that oppress the hireling in his wages, the widow, and the fatherless, and that turn aside the stranger from his right, and fear not me, saith the Lord of hosts.
Malachi 3:5 And I will come near to you to judgment; and I will be a swift witness against the sorcerers, and against the adulterers, and 👉against false swearers,👈and against those that oppress the hireling in his wages, the widow, and the fatherless, and that turn aside the stranger from his right, and fear not me, saith the Lord of hosts.
Malachi 3:5 And I will come near to you to judgment; and I will be a swift witness against the sorcerers, and against the adulterers, and 👉against false swearers,👈and against those that oppress the hireling in his wages, the widow, and the fatherless, and that turn aside the stranger from his right, and fear not me, saith the Lord of hosts.
That was great. My ex husband treated me with contempt. Whenever I brought up an issue he would cross his arms and go silent for weeks. He literally punished me if I disagreed with him. When I left I finally felt free!
My parents display all this behavior, which helped me realize growing up that I want the exact opposite in a relationship. I'm now engaged to an amazing woman, and I reckon I already have had more joyful moments than my parents. I know it takes a lot of focused effort to make a marriage last, and we're ready for it.
My parents were like that. They were in the contempt stage haha - for all the years that I can remember, growing up, and for decades after that. They didn't divorce though! Only death parted them. It's because they belonged to a different culture and a different era, when divorce was a scandal. But when I think about it, there were other reasons including financial reasons, social reasons (they'd no longer attend things as a couple with other couples they knew etc.) and I think a kind of mutual emotional co-dependence, and simply being stuck in the status quo.
I sometimes wonder whether it's a privilege to be a child of a toxic marriage. I know all the red flags beforehand, and would like to believe my marriage will be devoid of them, but then won't my children perhaps fall into their grandparents' mistakes?
@@Mew__Actually most children of toxic parents grow up to be toxic themselves. So it’s a rare triumph to grow out of that and gain maturity. Eventually their kids would be able to understand what a loving marriage is like, one that has healthy communication.
The fact that arguments are really about connecting is probably why it is so dangerous to get in the middle of someone else’s argument. They are done when they feel connected again, but the outsider doesn’t feel that same resolution
That's operating under the assumption that at least 1 of the 2 people are working towards a resolution in the argument. A lot of arguments are destructive, not constructive.
As someone living with autism, I have never heard of the term "flooding" before. My feeling of "not knowing how I feel" was pretty much classified as a mystery.... but this makes oh - SO much sense! You are absolutely brilliant!
it's especially hard too if you suffer from alexithymia AND an interoceptive disorder. Alexithymia makes it hard to understand what I'm feeling, and the interoceptive disorder means I'm not well connect to my body and don't understand it's signals or just DO NOT GET/FEEL THE SIGNALS. with adhd/autism I live inside my head. I notice my body when things get intense. did you know hunger doesn't feel like your stomach is churning and it hurts and you feel weak and it's growling and you're shaking and feeling like a nightmare? yeah that's way past normal hunger. I didn't know that. idk what normal hunger feels like, only when i've gone over 12 hours and start turning evil. i also have to press on my bladder to tell if i have to go or not, unless it's an emergency i can't tell when i have to pee. my emotions are SO MUCH all the time or NOTHING. i get flooded a lot w emotions, i can tell a lot is happening but can't tell what they are, just that my brain is firing a lot of alarms. inside my brain is like "!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" but nothing to decipher what unless it's super obvious.
I have autism as well, and various jobs/things in life made me fairly defensive when I'm depressed/low gas tank. This is bad for marriage of course, so I've spent a lot of time working on changing that neurological response. I take everything literally and have a fairly logical mind, but I use that to my advantage. When I think she's being critical of me, I logically think it through to change my perception of what she said even if my emotional response sense something different. Since I have started doing this, I'm not longer coming off as defensive towards her (and most importantly, she's not perceiving me as being defensive) Sometimes you just have to critically look at yourself and everything around you and train yourself to be fine with being wrong. Over time, that's led to some great life improvement for me
All of this applies to any kind of relationship - not just the one with your spouse - I’ve gone no contact with my parents and sister - and a majority of these points were my experience - I have a beautiful family in my wife and son - the key is and has always been mutual respect - no one’s perfect - mistakes can be made - but the ability to say sorry is healing magic (for the most part)
I'm so glad that, although not having a good relationship with your old family, you managed to have a good new family. Cause I also have many problems with my mother but I'm dreaming of marrying a girl I've been talking with for some months and building a good family and you just showed me it's possible 🙏🏽
Your parents and your sister may be extremely difficult, but you should still try to be available for holidays and to help them when appropriate. If they are really abusive, that is one thing, but if they are just irritating, than it is wicked to especially cut parents out. Honor thy mother and father and consider their upbringings and circumstances as well.
@@cindyoconnell2471 understood - in fact that’s what I’d tell myself - that I’d be wicked to cut my family out of my life - I forced myself to remain in a toxic situation with them at the expense of my emotional health - I’m 40 years old today - I was 26 when I was physically assaulted by my sister - I had some minor cuts on my face - my parents pretty much took her side long story short - see it’s not just one incident - that was a very big straw that broke the camels back - for decades before this I’d be subjected to angry lash-outs or criticisms for anything I said or did that rubbed her the wrong way - lectures on how I’d end up being a loser was a daily occurrence - the weekly dosage of silent treatments - I had to tread lightly on the eggshells in her presence else I’d be punished - with my parents I had a monosyllabic relationship with my father - every attempt I made to converse with him was shot down repeatedly - and I was adamant to get his “approval” - I longed for the kind of relationship my sister had with my Dad - I wanted the long conversations about life, love, politics - I was made to feel unworthy of that dynamic. I had a loving relationship with my mom until she completely did a 180 on me after I got married - she once asked me to visit her by myself and spend some time with her - while my wife was 7 months pregnant. I could go on and on with this topic - the longer I dive into it - the more upsetting it is for me to relive some of this stuff - the fact is I feel healthier and happier without them in my life - I do miss my mom’s cooking, watching movies together and many other little things - but I feel those things come at tremendous cost. To your point - I’m certain - my extended family very likely think I’m wicked for cutting my parents and sister out - the reality is that I have never felt more confident, complete, loved, validated and respected in my life before this - I’d never dream of going back to what things used to be.
I agree. I’m very happy at five years into my current longterm relationship, as opposed to the eleven year failed marriage. That marriage went through all the negative steps mentioned here and I was left bewildered as to what happened when my partner turned our relationship, seemingly overnight, into a horror story. The “rewrite history” step is a terrifying one when your partner does it to you. My current partner and I have gotten very good at clearing the space to talk about anything we find dissatisfying about our relationship, and we’ve weathered some intense things that would have made our previous marriages crumble. I’m very proud of her and this video will help us refine and improve our communication even more. We want to avoid the pitfalls that ruined our previous long term relationships.
everything it took me 30+ years to learn, was simply explained in 5 minutes. I'm glad I'm managing my current relationship differently and I feel so lucky that we both could identify those things before they happened. most likely due to bad past experiences. this is gold
25, still lots to learn. Ex broke up with me of 4 years. We were both the problem, but I definitely take most of the blame, and that’s OK. I had a lot of trauma and got sucked into my own problems and neglected hers. She really put up with a lot towards the end and finally broke it off. When she did, she was shocked for me to say I was proud of her. I’m in a new relationship now, with 4 years worth of knowledge from a single girl that really felt like several different types of relationships.
This is one of the best videos about marriage I have seen so far. Clear and simple, easy to relate. Wish everyone can see it before starting a relationship.
@@SuperSyro1 Hmm, depends on which values you are speaking broadly about here. He values Chevy while she is a Ford person… relationship is doomed from the start!😂
A 5 minutes length video, solved 5000+ thousands of marriage obstacles. If you just avoid these 6 key points, you're living a happy marriage. This right here is a life-changing content.
the whole point is not avoiding, is overcoming. you WILL face those problems and you WILL feel the urge to act that way, just don't ignore it, overcome it
As someone living with autism, I have never heard of the term "flooding" before. My feeling of "not knowing how I feel" was pretty much classified as a mystery.... but this makes oh - SO much sense! You are absolutely brilliant! My parents were a rare case. Things were rough early in their relationship. VERY rough. Pretty much everything you listed plus infidelity on both sides. The fights were insane but never became physical. Being witness to all this as a child wasn't easy. The word divorce was a word being thrown around a lot. By some miracle as the years went on they somehow figured it out and grew to love each other even more. The fights, the infidelity. It all stopped and for 30+ years until my father passed away they never lied to each other or fought ever again. They were inseparable. It's really amazing what they overcame but also as I said, very rare.
"The thing is NOT the thing!" I love it, because you're absolutely right. I've been with my wife for almost 14 years and this is very true. Once you reestablish the connecting and repair what's going on, the squabbles don't really matter. Great wording.
I was married, my first wife. We fought tremendously, for the 1st 6 years and through faults of our own, for the last 6 years. 6 years in the middle were not bad. But after my divorce, I learned a ton and knew that I could not do that again. My current wife and I have been married for 7 years now and even though we have had a few disagreements, we have always loved each other and always seek to come to some understanding. We both know that neither of us seeks harm or control over the other. So we resolve our issues. I feel like I have won the lottery. And we both feel like the luckiest people on earth.
I’ve been separated close to a year because of issues similar to what you describe. It’s so hard to look another person in the eye and say it’s over, and you want so badly to believe you can make it work. Never thought I would end up in this place. Also the questioning of could we fix and have a great marriage, or am I delaying the inevitable and potentially missing out on a more fulfilling relationship.
For many people it takes finding a good marital therapist, and you may have to try several before you find the one who is right for your marriage. Look for a "Discernment" counselor if you can to help you decide what to do.
Great video! My sweet Mammaw, who was married 55 years to my granddad, (and not without times of conflict) told me to always try and remember, when I was angry, how I felt when I first fell in love with my husband, think on his good qualities, and be willing to forgive. With the Lord’s help, it has worked for almost 44 years❣️ We have gone through some very rough times, from unemployment, bankruptcy, serious medical scares, and the loss of 2 of our 3 precious adult children(most recently the devastating loss of our ‘baby’ 36 yr old son on July 4th, 2023). Though battered, our love and respect has grown for each other. Very thankful❤️
Forgiveness is a powerful tool to heal the pain of the past. Not excusing or tolerating people, but actually forgiving them for what they did that was wrong.
I think it's important to note that most couples face some of these issues from time to time and as long as both appreciate the relationships it can be resolved and improved. Focusing on my own needs and psychological health really helped to re-estimate my marriage and shift the focus. Although it's a never ending process
Yea, thats the thing, as long as you respect one another and are willing to work on things, you'll always come out solid. A relationship/marriage, is essentially a working partnership. You can't be partners if only one person is running the "business" it has to be 50/50.
I’ve had all of these with my marriage in 2020 except contempt and stonewalling and didn’t even realize it. Going through Covid and pregnancy with postpartum depression all at the same time took such a toll on our marriage. I didn’t even realize how bad it was until seeing this video! Going through such a rough time just showed us how resilient our relationship is and definitely gave me a new found appreciation for my love for my husband. So glad we’re getting better and stronger and now have 6 years under our belt!
Similar story with my husband and I. 2nd baby in 2 years, 3 months postpartum, husband and grandmother both end up hospitalized and nobody but me to visit them and take care of our 3 boys solo. Grandmother passed away. I mistook my medication thinking it had the same schedule as the previous dose when it didn’t so I was going cold turkey off some intense stuff. Basically a living nightmare that threw our entire lives off the rails. And we came out the other side so much stronger 🙂 whenever we’re having difficulties now, we both think about how “if we could get through that, this is a cake walk” 😂 We celebrated 5 years last March ❤ thanks for sharing your experience!
When females behave pretty much all relationships get better. Sure men mess up..but in this modern era women have too much and stupid idea of freedom and "me time".
Fighting because we don't feel connected is so true. As a kid I got used to not being important to anyone, being neglected and just left to my own devices. When I feel disconnect in my marriage, it's difficult to jump out of that feeling and to realise that it's not true anymore. I need to work on myself more.
You are already starting, as you have admitted that your past is/ was moulding your adult self. That's good, keep observing yourself and you Will heal slowly but surely.
If your are showing other signs of BPD as impulsive behavior you should be assessed by a psychologist for BPD. Feeling neglect and not loved in childhood is a big starter for BPD.
Watching this in Dec 2024 and it still remains valid for my parents who fights all the time, every time even though after being married for 44 years. Harsh startups, stonewalling, defensiveness, it's all there.
@@TTaylor That's not what I read. It sounded like a alcoholic in their life who was hiding the fact that they were an alcoholic in whom they were in a relationship was treating them that way. This person writing the comment wasn't doing that to the other person, but that person was doing it to them. Then their dad had a heart to heart talk with them about divorce because they saw the damage being done to this person who is writing the comment. That's how I read it.
@@DreaDrew7 that was my take as well. But her dad (who id bet is from a failed marriage) is giving her bad advice by even mentioning divorce. I’m sure there is more to their story, but alcoholism and the silent treatment aren’t good reasons for a divorce. The fact that’s all that was listed implies it’s the worst the spouse has done. Work thru it. Get them help. Get someone they respect into the house to talk about it. Get what they’re hiding out in the open and confront the problem. Then they won’t be a closet alcoholic anymore at least. Worst that can happen is they give you a valid reason for divorce or they divorce you leaving you a clear conscience know you did everything you could to help them. Best case scenario is you save your marriage. Thru good times and bad in sickness and in health. No.. the original poster was looking for a way out saving the marriage was the last thing on their mind. Dad just gave them a good excuse to bail out at the first trial. There are people who are physically abused and/or their spouse is an adulterer and Linda is getting the silent treatment? Come on now.
The physical stress in a relationship is so real. I threw up every day for a month in my last relationship, and I think I had about 10 kidney stones throughout it. I haven’t gotten kidney stones or chronic nausea since we broke up. Crazy!
@@Druze_Tito Yea, if you're so pathetic you can't better yourself and accept that you're just as shitty as every other human from a fundamental perspective. It's a cop out, giving up, lethargy, apathy, fear of growing pains.
everything it took me 30+ years to learn, was simply explained in 5 minutes. I'm glad I'm managing my current relationship differently and I feel so lucky that we both could identify those things before they happened. most likely due to bad past experiences. this is gold As someone living with autism, I have never heard of the term "flooding" before. My feeling of "not knowing how I feel" was pretty much classified as a mystery.... but this makes oh - SO much sense! You are absolutely brilliant! My parents were a rare case. Things were rough early in their relationship. VERY rough. Pretty much everything you listed plus infidelity on both sides. The fights were insane but never became physical. Being witness to all this as a child wasn't easy. The word divorce was a word being thrown around a lot. By some miracle as the years went on they somehow figured it out and grew to love each other even more. The fights, the infidelity. It all stopped and for 30+ years until my father passed away they never lied to each other or fought ever again. They were inseparable. It's really amazing what they overcame but also as I said, very rare.
I just started a relationship and I'm watching this to hopefully help it to go well, to see what the bad signs are so I can be cautious and how to avoid even thinking about them
Showed this to my wife - I knew our marriage was good, but we agree that not a single one of these things applies (as in we do not do any of these); but we're gonna store this in the back of our minds to ensure it stays that way! Nice, succinct and clear - thank you!
Stonewalling is mostly not a real disinterest but a reaction to feeling overwhelmed. Could be from harsh criticism, flooding by the partner, being made into the bad guy, missing the communication tools or self-confidence to express their side of the story. I have seen it with my parents where my father would close up after a relentless attack by my mother. My father closing up, resulted in an even stronger attack by my mother, because she did not felt heard. Which mostly resulted in my father just going out for a walk.
@@ashleyann1763 yes, it was the best decision they ever made. As a child I did not like it, but in retro-perspective I wished they had done that much earlier.
I think you understand the cycle very well. Did they ever get help to break it? Most people have to try a few therapists before they find the right one for them.
If you had a mother who behaves like that, Ive got news for you-shes not ever really happy. Women who just attack attack attack are narcissists or emotional sadists who can only feel content in schadenfreude when theyve dragged someone down to be as miserable as they are. I'm sure your father is much happier, though.
After moving to college and out of my parents' home, looking back at my parents' marriage. When I lived there I've mostly disregarded all of these things listed and simply marked them as what a marriage is and that this was normal. Now as I have somewhat detached myself from the situation and looked back at their marriage critically with a better understanding of how relationships should go, I am quite amazed that they are still together for the 20 odd years they've been together. They always seem to be at each other's throats and the tension between them is certainly unhealthy. Really looking back at this, I've noticed how much damage has been dealt to myself by being in the middle of such a tumultuous relationship and I've taken the steps to start and fix what I didn't even know was wrong with me, to try and be better than them and learn from their mistakes. I want to make sure to end the generational trauma with me and ensure a better future if I ever decide to have a family of my own because the last thing I want to happen is to make another me, the future generations always deserve to be better than the last.
everything it took me 30+ years to learn, was simply explained in 5 minutes. I'm glad I'm managing my current relationship differently and I feel so lucky that we both could identify those things before they happened. most likely due to bad past experiences. this is gold As someone living with autism, I have never heard of the term "flooding" before. My feeling of "not knowing how I feel" was pretty much classified as a mystery.... but this makes oh - SO much sense! You are absolutely brilliant! My parents were a rare case. Things were rough early in their relationship. VERY rough. Pretty much everything you listed plus infidelity on both sides. The fights were insane but never became physical. Being witness to all this as a child wasn't easy. The word divorce was a word being thrown around a lot. By some miracle as the years went on they somehow figured it out and grew to love each other even more. The fights, the infidelity. It all stopped and for 30+ years until my father passed away they never lied to each other or fought ever again. They were inseparable. It's really amazing what they overcame but also as I said, very rare.
There is no miracle in bad relationships not ending with a divorce. And it is not always about some kind of psychological trauma. Some people are just too petty to bear their life on their own.
Look, if they are still together, don’t worry about them. They are fine. If they hated the way they are to each other that much, they’d be divorced already. Try to spin it in a positive way: unlike 50% of couples now-a-days, they actually take “till death do us part” seriously. Old school. Good for them.
My parents had a very dysfunctional marriage and showed all of these signs! Its encouraged me to take responsibility for my own emotional state in relationships and be self aware enough to try and not project things on to others. Its hard work but i hope that as a result I can have a happy and healthy marriage when the time comes!
Those aren't actually the correct four horsemen. I was astonished that he got them wrong. I remember my teacher back in second grade told me they were Death, Famine, War, and Conquest. Sometimes they vary slightly, but those weren't even close, ha.
@@orangepeel1773you’re thinking about the four horseman of the apocalypse… he is referring to the four horseman of a troubled marriage. One is from the Bible and one is a catchy phrase to help you remember the four signs of trouble
Something small about this video i really like, whenever he’s mentioning a sign, it’s always directed at YOU. He’s sort of subtly telling you to address your own feelings before addressing the other person, which is a really good way to look at it. Great video.
My marriage got so bad that I developed neurological symptoms including nystagmus. The Cleveland Clinic spent over 2 years of tests thinking it was MS and denying my insistence that it was stress. It finally went away when I left him and have been happily divorced for decades!
Been with my now husband almost 9 years and we never had these issues & I’m so grateful. Having respect and proper communication is definitely 2 major keys to a successful relationship! ❤
My mariage has none of these, and definitely feels rock solid. Our WORST time was at a point when stonewalling occured regularly. We've been able to push past that together. Now the relationship is cruising. It makes everything in life so easy. I wish all of you who struggle with relationships, to reach such bliss one day.
I suffered severe physiological problems when being with my "unhappily married" parents and it took me 10+ years to recover from them. My parents of course dont understand it. I swore to myself that I'd never be in an unhappy marriage. I just got married to a loving guy so yeah its possible to be finally happy and healthy.
wow, how did you do it. I have bad relationships with both of my parents who frankly they are abusers. And I've always been worried. I would end up in a situation like there's.
With you there! For years and so many doctors never could pin point all the internal pains, ibs etc. Glad you have found someone and are healing ❤ Do you still keep in contact?
Not raising my voice in an argument and then followed by proper communication on how the event made me feel afterwards is something I have had to learn for myself and now something that my girlfriend seems to be taking on board as well. She is still far behind me on dealing with an argument maturely but she is starting to look inwards a lot more and I am very thankful for it. I also feel in my opinion that RESPECT is my #1 need moving forward. She will go 0-100 almost immediately and her respect for me as her loving partner seems to go out the window but through communication she is beginning to understand that she cannot do that to me and it feels good to hear and see her accept her flaws. No matter what we are arguing about, I will always consciously try and make sure that I am not forgetting that I do love that woman, and that is very important when you are forming your words and intent behind them when you feel heated.
This video came out just as I was graduating from high school. Now having gone through college, living alone for a few years, and being in two serious relationships, one being engaged, I'm so afraid of failing a third time. My parents got divorced, and I've made it a life goal of mine to never become divorced. Perfection might not exist, but I'm willing to do whatever it takes and watch however many videos I need so that I can be the perfect man for my future wife someday.
But honestly, so what if you do get divorced? I don’t understand why it’s so scary. You might fall in love with someone and they might change, or you might change and they can’t respect it. You start to disconnect. Divorce isn’t murder. The relationship just might not be the same anymore
divorce allowed me to meet the love of my life. not divorcing could have been probably the worst choice of my entire life. I'm gonna be very straight forward here. If you bomb a tumor with radiation and chemicals (akin to trying to fix things in a couple) and it doesn't work... you keep it?
I’m not married but have had close friendships that have dissolved 😔 these are spot on and I can see that i contribute to these failures by not addressing issues at all.
and the sponge off until they are saturated and soak in it for a year (Separation period) and when it runs dry they are ready to move on to the next one..
What’s so interesting to me is that some of these negatives occurred in my own marriage, with me guilty of the “harsh start up” in particular. Yet I loved my husband so deeply that when he died 5 years ago I grieved to the point of physical illness. I still grieve deeply today. There is no one else for me as far as a romantic and a life partner. I believe and hope that he knows that.
Your self-awareness is probably a big sign that you were way ahead of the curve. Most people who do this stuff are not aware they are doing it. The behaviors themselves become an issue, but what causes them is the root issue. And a lot of what causes them is low emotional functioning from lack of self-understanding.
This is great. It made me realize that I can totally be a harsh start up-er, and it’s been brought up with my partner, I didn’t know how much it affected him because we hadn’t really talked things through because he would shut down when I harshly started things up!! Our relationship has been so much better now that I’m able to gently bring things up because I know now that he’s sensitive to them, when I was originally upset because I thought he didn’t care at all. ANYWAYS. Good advice, thank you
As others did, I found this video very interesting and loved the advice. It struck me as a real-life elaboration on the "quantum of solace" concept by Ian Fleming which (broadly) proposes that the survival of a relationship between two people hinges on that minimum core of compassion, humanity from one towards the other. While it's a fictional concept, it helped me immensely during a few crises in my relationship by reminding me that even when we're angry and frustrated at each other, ultimately my partner and I are fallible human beings and deserving of compassion. A few times it honestly saved me from the temptation of being vindictive or cruel towards a person who I love very much. So I'm very happy to find this video which presents that general idea in a more scientific and actionable way.
So it sounds like a relationship will fail if both people don't possess the three qualities that prevent these 5 pitfalls: Positivity, assuming good intentions by the other spouse, and personal accountability. Can't stay mad if i assume they didn't mean it. Can't be racked with symptoms of worry if I am hopeful for the future. And i can't be defensive/retaliartory if i'm open to listen to mistakes i've made. Good video.
Im not married but in a long term relationship. 10 yrs. We have most of the same issues as a married couple. This was so accurate its frightening. When someone starts the conversation with a criticism theres nowhere to go but down.
@@meghanmisaliar i see. Its not marriage at all. Nothing is like marriage. Ive been married. Ive lived with someone and ive had companions. Nothing is like marriage. I dont really know what to say accpt maybe its good you dont live together.
You can walk away if you're married -- especially as a woman. (not to be sexist, courts just favor women when ti comes to parcelling resources) I also find it obnoxious to say that a 10 year relationship is "nothing like a marriage". Communication problems would be similar in a marriage and a 10 year relationship.@@BrittJoshua24-15
My boyfriend and I have difficult conversations from time to time, but I'm happy to see none of these signs match us, except for perhaps flooding in select instances. We've never had a proper fight, mostly just trying to reach agreement on what our boundaries are. Sometimes we've felt disconnected from eachother, and it's been painful, but we've always found our way back together.
For me it all boils down to respect. If you respect your partner and they respect you, you can work through just about anything. I’ve was divorced after 15 yrs of marriage and there was no respect in either side. I learned from this and met a kind caring man that I truly respect. Now I’ve been remarried 25 yrs and it’s going strong. Any issues we have (which do come up from time to time) are resolved by simply talking through them….mutual respect, plain and simple.
Thank you for this. My previous marriage had all these. I was just not able to define the behaviors as clear as he had. We never really resolved any of our conflicts. I was always the "bad" guy and she, the "victim". I stopped fighting for the marriage the latter part because it was not a real partnership. We parted ways after 9 years. She keeps trying to get back together these past few years. I never accepted her again because it's obvious she never learned anything and still was not willing to adjust her mindset. She still thinks she's the prize. I am grateful for the learnings from my past marriage because I can now see the red flags early when I meet people.
@@slc1161 There was a Borderline Personality Disorder diagnosis by the third-party psychologist who certified psychological incapacity on her part. She never took that diagnosis seriously and never made adjustments. She went on a lot of new age things for self and trauma healing and considered herself fixed without any real effort. Yup, she never changed even almost a decade after the marriage. I stopped all communication with her recently after years of trying to help her as a friend.
@orlandodizon4755 Sounds like my ex after refusing to take her medication after her diagnosis. Said it made her feel different and rather than understanding or wanting to understand why that was, she just took it as a negative. I've noticed people get used to and justify their behavior 😅
Seriously, what are you gonna do besides whine on youtube? Come on man. Pick your head up and think a positive thing. Do a positive thing. Take your wife/husband out to a park. Pray to Jesus for healing. Try a new restaurant. Try couples yoga. Try whatever new for something.
@@rainbowodysseybyjonlion I bet you are not married. Otherwise you wouldn't talk like that. It is much more complicated than going to a restaurant or yoga and find a solution. Especially if you have kids, it is not an easy decision to get a divorce.
My keys too my healthy marriage. 1.Communication 2. NOT raising voices in an argument. 3. Give eachother space. 4. Trust. 5. Don't put eachother down/no name calling. 6. Once argument is resolved...you're not allowed to bring it up again. No specific order. But literally, if you don't have these 6 things in your marriage...good luck 👍
No one could live by this for long, number two for example, if you feel compelled to shout at your partner, is a good indication you're with the wrong partner
@strake750 I disagree with that. There are no two humans in the world that won't argue with eachother after living under the same roof. You've argued with your mother, you've argued with your father, you've argued with your siblings, you've argued with your best friends. It's going to happen. And sometimes you will want to yell. But I will say that if this is a common occurrence that you feel compelled to yell at your partner. Then yea, most likely you're with the wrong person. And most people are unfortunately.
That's why I seek someone who stays calm under pressure and hopefully we'll be compatible. I don't believe in "opposites attract". I want to meet someone very much like me.
Litterally just fell out with a family member, like an hour ago! The lack of wanting to work on compromize or figure things out was a giga-red flag for me. Definetly great advice for other social settings as well 👍
Me too! About roughly the same time frame as you did! But it seems like I was the one not willing to compromise. I'm definitely wondering who you are, CYellowan. I'm still definitely quite bitter about it. I'm sorry to comment negatively here but I've gotta get my emotions out there even if you're not them. Because it's got to go somewhere rather than boiling inside me.
I love that at the end and the last part itself is not just apologizing but actually working it through. It’s 90% of the time not about the issue, it’s about the disconnect on the issue and other aspects
I’m going through a divorce with a narcissist so there is no going back there as you will never be able to connect whether you want to or not. Run 🏃🏻♀️
Good video. Ultimately I feel a lot of these “signs” are just how people relate when they have no respect or compassion for the other person or when they feel trapped with someone. You see the same in all relationships - family, work, etc. Not that I’m an expert but I feel the key is being with people you actually respect and are compatible with, and having enough freedom and opportunity not to get “trapped” with people because you have no other options.
I have also seen this happening between teenage/adult children living with a single parent - so perhaps this is actually more of an interpersonal familial dynamic, rather than something specific to divorce...either way, rather sad. It rarely leads to a good outcome.
Just to add to this, there is a lot of power in a long and deep embrace. Fully crying in each others arms. Being there and being present, listening to the other person and BEING PRESENT. If your there, your in the clear. With age comes complacency and incompetence in upkeep. Every single time you catch yourself slipping, pick yourself back up. commit to being present and listening to your partner, and make sure to speak up for yourself when you need to. Its okay to admit when you’re wrong, and your partner needs to have the same mindset.
I often wondered why my ex even married me to begin with... he criticized my every move and seemed to hate me and everything i stood for. Realizing this helped me find freedom instead of clinging to death.
It sounds like he wanted someone he could control. Narcissists often do. The real question is, why did you marry someone who constantly criticized you? I hope you can solve that, so history doesn't repeat itself. Good luck 👍
@@krishannam1346they rarely do that pre- marriage. They are good at making you feel awesome until after the honeymoon period where the criticism starts and you are in too deep emotionally to pick up on what is going on.
It's about common respect. Many oeople stay in marriages because of being trapped... money, kids, family. Ending a relationship is hard! Much easier sometimes to ride it out. I'm 53. Riding the wave.
If you can still be relatively happy (or just content) while riding the wave that's good. But if you're miserable while riding the wave that will crush you.
There's a 1975 book by Sheila Kessler titled "The American Way of Divorce: Prescriptions for Change." She was absolutely spot on about the patterns that lead to breakups. Another thing I would recommend before you are married is to take a careful look at the relationship your love interest has with the opposite sex parent. Whatever it is, they will exhibit the same behavior with you.
I will just corroborate this; I hated how my (now-husband) ignored the requests of his mother I had trouble when we were leaving and he'd not do the thing etc and she was very nagging and annoying and I vouched I would not be the same FFW, that's thee only thing that works on him and I'd rather sleep in a clean house after a day of nagging and being annoying than doing everything myself.
You’re correct about what type of relationship they have with opposite sex parent….my ex and his mom major issues…my husband now loved and respected his mom❤️
I don’t agree. One of the reasons I married my ex husband was how well he treated his mother. Turns out they were in a psychological marriage and when she decided she didn’t like me she would manipulate him into abusing me and the cycle never ended until I left. It was a switch, with me he verbally and physically abused but the moment she was around or called he melted. So no I don’t think it’s always the case most unfortunately. Sometimes that closeness is pathological if you look closely.
@@AT-eu4zu Either way you’re agreeing that people should carefully analyze the relationships that their partners have with their parents. Guys having a psychological marriage with their mom is not the norm.
If you have a hard time communicating and/or you find yourself defensive or combative in your relationships - romantic or not- therapy is wonderful, it’s important to understand why we have our dispositions and attitudes, why we communicate the way we do and show up in those relationships.
I've been married almost 12 years, still going strong. My previous relationship was off and on over the course of 7 years. That relationship was doomed to fail because it had the four horsemen of the apocalypse. I specifically remember flooding most of all. My marriage has none of that. We respect each other's boundaries, and because of that we resolve things much faster. Respect goes such a long way in any relationship.
My psychiatrist recently pointed out to me that “conflict” & associated emotional discomfort, typically lasts about 90 seconds. It passes, & if the will exists, discomfort dissipates, & discussion/even debate, if undertaken sans contempt, can be quite useful. Just stumbled onto this channel. New sub. Intrigued.
Excellent point. When the Amygdala (emotional region) hijacks the prefrontal cortex (logical region) the conversation is over. A brief time out becomes necessary.
This is actually really encouraging. We’ve gone through a lot with life and health in the last four years. It’s been hard, but we’re not showing these signs other than part of #2 (mostly criticism and feeling distant). Sometimes life is just hard, but it’s good to be in it together even if it is a strain.
I wasn't married but this is exactly why my one serious relationship didn't work out. I have been struggling with finding peace for trying to understand it, even went to therapy and I have never heard flooding before. It's nice to put a word to that feeling and this gives me a better idea of it, the moment it gets to that point and the contempt it is over. I held trust, love, and communication and my partner never could give me the same in return.
My mom and stepdad went through this for decades. Then my mom was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. I saw them kiss for the first time in over ten years. I thought they were hopeless. I think they may actually have a chance at healing their relationship because of the fact that my mom is face-to-face with her own mortality.
Wow, that last point really hit home. Just had a fight with my partner yesterday, about finances. Turns out the exact arrangement isn't that important to both of us, it was actually about not feeling safe, protected, connected and provided for. As soon as we got on the same page and reaffirmed that we are a team no matter what, the fight just disappeared into thin air.
Excellent video. I would add blaming and shaming. When your spouse/ husband constantly blames you for everything and humiliates you in private and public, your marriage is doomed. I speak from my own experience.
My brother does this to his wife, makes fun of her in front of people 'in a teasing way'...but it's insulting nonetheless. Not sure how she tolerates this. It's so embarrassing and makes me anxious when I'm around them. But, i'm glad not to be the target of criticism, which was me before this person came along to take a role as 'wife' in his life. I try to avoid them as much as possible b/c I just want to be surrounded by healthy, loving people
Thats why its important to have a partner that can be coached. A coachable partner is someone who can take criticism, will not be defensive, and won't stonewall you because they want to learn and grow as well. Having said that, if your partner does make a mistake you should not snap at them for it because they will not want to speak to you and flooding, defensiveness etc. will happen.
Tell your spouse even the little things. This is more for pretty much every human in general, when people come to you with a problem, that is rarely the real problem , It is just what broke them and got them to the point where they spoke up. Having a headache, and not saying anything to the other person might seem like you're upset with them, and once the mind goes down that rabbit hole, it can start a fight that never needed to be. Nothing should ever be a surprise. Transparency is absolutely essential. Acceptance is another key to happiness. Acceptance doesn't mean you like, or agree with what's wrong. It just means that you acknowledge that it exists and there's nothing you can do to change it so you make peace with it otherwise it will chew both of you up.
This is a good guide for pretty much any relationship, especially the negative associations/bad memories point. I think this is one of the strongest signs a friendship/romantic relationship is in trouble.
I've never been married or in a serious relationship, but this has given me great insight so that hopefully I can work to avoid these things when I do get into one. Thank you!
The takeaway at the end even applies to my little children squabbling with their siblings. We talked it out one time and the youngest said, "All I ever really want is to know they love me and I love them and for it to be peaceful" - i.e. connection - and that's where the fights originate 😭💔
My wife and I have been married for 14 years. We have fought, sometimes harshly. But, we learned how to fight without hurting each other. We've also come to realize that we would rather both lose the fight instead of hurting each other, it just ain't worth it. We still disagree on stuff, but try to come to a consensus through discussion and talking out each side. My wife has given me final say in some decisions where we were unsure of what to do next, and if it turns out badly she has stopped saying "I told you so" like she used to. Again, it's not important to be right, it's important to protect each other and look out for each other. We try to lift each other up, and challenge each other to be better, but we are also okay with each other the way we are. We love raising our two sons, spending time with family, going hunting, and playing video games together. We enjoy each other's company and are best of friends. I feel very blessed to have found such a great woman.
Here's an important thing I've learned: - It's inevitable that you and your partner will sometimes hurt each other's feelings. - When we're hurt, we feel small, and it's natural to have the urge to retaliate by making the other person feel small. - The lasting success of your relationship largely hinges on how good you are at recognizing and suppressing that urge. IMO most of the danger signs in the video tie into this basic principle.
Be your own inner light. Be attentive. If you are not good for yourself, then who will be. Honesty and openness (especially towards yourself!) will save you
This is great..helps me put my first marriage in it’s place and helps me see why my second marriage is so peaceful. Thanks for this timeless information.
This doesn’t just work for marriages but regular relationships. This is a gem.
Yes.
Great observation to take…
I definitely see the first 2 points in my relationship with my sister.
Yup could relate to this with my brother
Facts!!! Stonewalling was the fuel that gave me the courage to walk away.
The four indicators, in order of time are: criticism, defensiveness, withdrawal, contempt. Once you’ve got contempt, it’s pretty much over.
For me, It's over once you have any of these.
You are right, criticism works better than harsh start up.
Want the writer job?
@@Ash-zh5yg Constructive criticism has its place.
@@Ash-zh5ygJesus, if you can’t criticize without defensiveness happening, no wonder.
Criticism is essential because we will inevitably have negative reactions to something the other person is doing.
The key is learning how to ask for the space to bring up things you’re dissatisfied about in your relationship WITHOUT letting the tendency to be defensive destroy the chance to find the truth.
If criticism can’t happen in your relationship, you will never have a happy long term relationship. And if either partner can’t resist the urge to be defensive and rejects seeing things from the other person’s perspective, then withdrawal is inevitable, and the seeds for contempt are sown and the relationship has received a wound that is likely going to run its course to contempt, which means the relationship is over.
But really, the ability for a couple to be able to criticize without fearing defensiveness has been the key to my current five+ year relationship being so happy.
Made me realize my 47 years with my late husband were pretty good. We never went to bed mad at each other, had lots of laughs, and while we were totally different people, we always supported each other. I have always felt blessed to have had those good years. We had rough spots, but we continued to work together to get through them. I feel you need to have a deep love and respect for your mate, for a marriage to last.
That’s awesome. I’m in a marriage that’s tenuous at best, full of hostility, but I’m taking the abuse so my kids have stability. I’m a child of divorce, so I know that’s worse.
@@throbbinwoodofcoxley6830 Bless you, but you also need to think of yourself, your own happiness. Your kids won’t be better off for living with 2 parents who aren’t happy, kids pick that up pretty quickly. Good luck to you and your family.
Its cold and shivery in sherwood forest @@ayeshak6822
@throbbinwoodofcoxley6830 I don't know your situation, so take this advice with a grain of salt. Try to be a good servant to your husband. Sit with him and discuss what he seeks from you so that you can meet his expectations. Let him know that you wish to make him happy so that happiness sweeps into the entire household. Figure out what he considers disrespectful so that you can avoid disrespecting him unknowingly. Submit to his will in regard to leading the family. If he is truly a good man, this should absolutely turn things around if you are consistent, persistent, and genuine about this effort. It could truly create a beautiful home life for all of you. God's guidance can also help both of you in this endeavor if that is something you both wish to pursue. Again, I do not know your situation. I wish you the best of luck with the situation you are in and hope y'all figure things out for the best.
Isn't it funnyy how you can fall for someone so different? I always like being with someone that is different but complimentary!
It's 1am, I'm 28 and never been in a relationship, idk what I'm doing here but it's solid advice.
Atleast now u know the skills and strategies to a happy married life.
I wished i have seen this video earlier
You'll find the one. Don't stop believing and trying.
Taking notes is good for your next relationship 🙏🏼🌷
You'll find one if any part of u wants to, the average person has like 6, if u try to put yourself out there socially in anyway then u'd be suprised how many people u meet
Damn I thought it was just me. Almost 30 and in the same boat.
My Mother gave me the best advice before marriage. "It helps if both people are a little blind and a little deaf." Meaning, you don't have to respond to every grumble. And you don't have to call out all their faults as soon as you see them. :)
If you're with the right person, you barely recognize the faults, at least that's my experience
I like this one. :)
if you're with someone long enough you see the faults but love them unconditionally anyway. 10+ years @@Zomgnomnom1
No, it is stupid.
Wish my mom had told me that.
I’ve been with my wife for 21 years and we’ve never experienced any of these. We’ve had issues occasionally but nothing like this. Makes me appreciate what we’ve got.
Happy for you
Amazing, wish you the best and also wish you guys were the rule and not the exception, as it seems nowadays.
Very VERY happy for you! All the best for both of you!
And I bet some of these things have happened like “harsh setup” his example was “we need to talk” how can you not say “we need to talk” in 21 years…he may be a professional but he’s also wild for that.
@@danielrivera1833 I’m pretty sure he meant the tone. There’s a difference between “I think we need to talk about _____”, and “HEY, we need to talk”. The problem with the harsh start-up is beginning the conversation a) on the offensive and b) assuming you’re “right” about the argument.
It's always the videos from 10 years ago with solid advice
They didn’t have to sugarcoat things as much as we do today.
@@rainydayz2447 100% agree
@@rainydayz2447And they weren't trying to sell their advice as much
Exactly! Idk why videos from 10-18 years ago are the most beneficial
2014 was 10 years ago eh, about to be 11 years ago in several months
The quick close-up at 2:20 really helped emphasize his point
This is why you're divorced
@@HamChexpls😂 that was a funny comment cmon now
lol, you have a good sense of humor:)
@@natnat8199 Thanks, I practiced
Yeah.... There seemed to be some sort of a list there too. The nano second it was there, totally helped!
I had a serious relationship with a woman who would regularly start fights and basically open up the "discussion" at an intensity that was at least a 7 out of 10 every time before I even knew what she was upset about. Even with time and experience, it was extremely difficult to remain calm and composed when someone is intensely attacking you and being very emotional before you even know what is going on. I tried talking with her about this, but it never made any difference. Feels really good to have my feelings and thoughts validated here.
Some people are just broken beyond repair. I don't want to be that guy, but you should have realized early on that there wasn't anything really worth salvaging. Never try to fix a woman, only guide her. If she can't be guided, she's not the right one
@@madallas_monscorrect
Bro, you dated Ashley too?
@@katarishigusimokirochepona6611
Too funny.
Yeah she was burned before.
Her name is a clue...
That gal had underlying Trauma she needed to resolve with God + whoever caused it.
If that's correct, then it was technically beyond your native ability to fix.
You're patient to have borne such a challenging person.
Do you still know her ?
We went to counseling, not for our marriage but for struggles from the outside that had a negative impact on both of us. The counselor told us we would be fine and weather the storm together because while hard times split many couples apart, ours only brought us closer together. Love and respect. Forty-three years and still going strong. Thank you Lord for this wonderful man, imperfect like me, but wonderful.
I'm glad you got the help you needed.
I've got a peach of a man. Hardworking, kind, loveable. But when he is home on weekends he just sits around, even if there are a million things to do. Because I love him I have let that go because I know there are worse things than just sitting around. We all have some flaws, it's just whether we are willing to get past it.
@@doodlebug59he is probably tired of working in weekdays and it is your responsibility to take care of him in weekends, massage him, cook for him, make him happy ✔️
@@doodlebug59 If he's hardworking, kind and lovable he's not "just sitting around" on the weekends. He's doing what he needs to do to be the man you love. Pressure him on weekends with great caution, his "flaws" may not be flaws at all.
@@doodlebug59good.
I'm so thankful for my wife. She is awesome, don't know how I ended up with her. We're at 21 years so far.
this makes me so happy. bless you and your marriage sir
awww YOU are BLESSED - glad you found your soul mate
A gift from God!
Happy for you but what made you come for this video then ?
Blessings ❤
“if you hate each other, your relationship may be in trouble”
Lol😅 no way José
Lmao
Nuh uh
1. Harsh startup
2. Defensiveness, contempt, criticism, stonewalling (4 horsemen)
3. Flooding
4. Physiological distress...aches, drinking
5. Bad memories... Interpret past badly
6. Failed repair attempts. Fighting isnt a problem. Failing to repair is.
7. Marriages never resolve their fights or come to a common understanding. Fight about whether you feel connected.
Malachi 3:5
And I will come near to you to judgment; and I will be a swift witness against the sorcerers, and against the adulterers, and
👉against false swearers,👈and against those that oppress the hireling in his wages, the widow, and the fatherless, and that turn aside the stranger from his right, and fear not me, saith the Lord of hosts.
Malachi 3:5
And I will come near to you to judgment; and I will be a swift witness against the sorcerers, and against the adulterers, and
👉against false swearers,👈and against those that oppress the hireling in his wages, the widow, and the fatherless, and that turn aside the stranger from his right, and fear not me, saith the Lord of hosts.
Malachi 3:5
And I will come near to you to judgment; and I will be a swift witness against the sorcerers, and against the adulterers, and
👉against false swearers,👈and against those that oppress the hireling in his wages, the widow, and the fatherless, and that turn aside the stranger from his right, and fear not me, saith the Lord of hosts.
Want the editor job?
Thank you
That was great. My ex husband treated me with contempt. Whenever I brought up an issue he would cross his arms and go silent for weeks. He literally punished me if I disagreed with him. When I left I finally felt free!
My parents display all this behavior, which helped me realize growing up that I want the exact opposite in a relationship. I'm now engaged to an amazing woman, and I reckon I already have had more joyful moments than my parents. I know it takes a lot of focused effort to make a marriage last, and we're ready for it.
My parents were like that. They were in the contempt stage haha - for all the years that I can remember, growing up, and for decades after that.
They didn't divorce though! Only death parted them. It's because they belonged to a different culture and a different era, when divorce was a scandal. But when I think about it, there were other reasons including financial reasons, social reasons (they'd no longer attend things as a couple with other couples they knew etc.) and I think a kind of mutual emotional co-dependence, and simply being stuck in the status quo.
I sometimes wonder whether it's a privilege to be a child of a toxic marriage. I know all the red flags beforehand, and would like to believe my marriage will be devoid of them, but then won't my children perhaps fall into their grandparents' mistakes?
@@Mew__Actually most children of toxic parents grow up to be toxic themselves. So it’s a rare triumph to grow out of that and gain maturity. Eventually their kids would be able to understand what a loving marriage is like, one that has healthy communication.
Same with my parents.
I know what I don’t want in a future husband.
But y'all aren't even married, yet.
The fact that arguments are really about connecting is probably why it is so dangerous to get in the middle of someone else’s argument. They are done when they feel connected again, but the outsider doesn’t feel that same resolution
That's operating under the assumption that at least 1 of the 2 people are working towards a resolution in the argument. A lot of arguments are destructive, not constructive.
I hate it when people get in the middle of arguments with my friends, bitch made behavior.
As someone living with autism, I have never heard of the term "flooding" before. My feeling of "not knowing how I feel" was pretty much classified as a mystery.... but this makes oh - SO much sense! You are absolutely brilliant!
I’ve got ADHD and experience the same thing! I always described it as “overwhelmed” but flooded is a great descriptor.
Atleast im not alone here
it's especially hard too if you suffer from alexithymia AND an interoceptive disorder. Alexithymia makes it hard to understand what I'm feeling, and the interoceptive disorder means I'm not well connect to my body and don't understand it's signals or just DO NOT GET/FEEL THE SIGNALS.
with adhd/autism I live inside my head. I notice my body when things get intense.
did you know hunger doesn't feel like your stomach is churning and it hurts and you feel weak and it's growling and you're shaking and feeling like a nightmare? yeah that's way past normal hunger. I didn't know that. idk what normal hunger feels like, only when i've gone over 12 hours and start turning evil.
i also have to press on my bladder to tell if i have to go or not, unless it's an emergency i can't tell when i have to pee.
my emotions are SO MUCH all the time or NOTHING. i get flooded a lot w emotions, i can tell a lot is happening but can't tell what they are, just that my brain is firing a lot of alarms. inside my brain is like "!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" but nothing to decipher what unless it's super obvious.
In the Autism world it is referred to as "autistic shutdown". I didn't hear about flooding until later but they sound very similar.
I have autism as well, and various jobs/things in life made me fairly defensive when I'm depressed/low gas tank. This is bad for marriage of course, so I've spent a lot of time working on changing that neurological response. I take everything literally and have a fairly logical mind, but I use that to my advantage. When I think she's being critical of me, I logically think it through to change my perception of what she said even if my emotional response sense something different. Since I have started doing this, I'm not longer coming off as defensive towards her (and most importantly, she's not perceiving me as being defensive)
Sometimes you just have to critically look at yourself and everything around you and train yourself to be fine with being wrong. Over time, that's led to some great life improvement for me
All of this applies to any kind of relationship - not just the one with your spouse - I’ve gone no contact with my parents and sister - and a majority of these points were my experience - I have a beautiful family in my wife and son - the key is and has always been mutual respect - no one’s perfect - mistakes can be made - but the ability to say sorry is healing magic (for the most part)
i've gone no contact with my parents and siblings too. i hope i can build a family like you have!
dude this is me with my parents, all these signs apply to me
I'm so glad that, although not having a good relationship with your old family, you managed to have a good new family. Cause I also have many problems with my mother but I'm dreaming of marrying a girl I've been talking with for some months and building a good family and you just showed me it's possible 🙏🏽
Your parents and your sister may be extremely difficult, but you should still try to be available for holidays and to help them when appropriate. If they are really abusive, that is one thing, but if they are just irritating, than it is wicked to especially cut parents out. Honor thy mother and father and consider their upbringings and circumstances as well.
@@cindyoconnell2471 understood - in fact that’s what I’d tell myself - that I’d be wicked to cut my family out of my life - I forced myself to remain in a toxic situation with them at the expense of my emotional health - I’m 40 years old today - I was 26 when I was physically assaulted by my sister - I had some minor cuts on my face - my parents pretty much took her side long story short - see it’s not just one incident - that was a very big straw that broke the camels back - for decades before this I’d be subjected to angry lash-outs or criticisms for anything I said or did that rubbed her the wrong way - lectures on how I’d end up being a loser was a daily occurrence - the weekly dosage of silent treatments - I had to tread lightly on the eggshells in her presence else I’d be punished - with my parents I had a monosyllabic relationship with my father - every attempt I made to converse with him was shot down repeatedly - and I was adamant to get his “approval” - I longed for the kind of relationship my sister had with my Dad - I wanted the long conversations about life, love, politics - I was made to feel unworthy of that dynamic. I had a loving relationship with my mom until she completely did a 180 on me after I got married - she once asked me to visit her by myself and spend some time with her - while my wife was 7 months pregnant.
I could go on and on with this topic - the longer I dive into it - the more upsetting it is for me to relive some of this stuff - the fact is I feel healthier and happier without them in my life - I do miss my mom’s cooking, watching movies together and many other little things - but I feel those things come at tremendous cost.
To your point - I’m certain - my extended family very likely think I’m wicked for cutting my parents and sister out - the reality is that I have never felt more confident, complete, loved, validated and respected in my life before this - I’d never dream of going back to what things used to be.
Every couple needs to watch this. The earlier in the relationship the better.
We went to this seminar. They wouldn't let you talk about anything you didn't like. So, there was little real progress.
I agree. I’m very happy at five years into my current longterm relationship, as opposed to the eleven year failed marriage. That marriage went through all the negative steps mentioned here and I was left bewildered as to what happened when my partner turned our relationship, seemingly overnight, into a horror story. The “rewrite history” step is a terrifying one when your partner does it to you.
My current partner and I have gotten very good at clearing the space to talk about anything we find dissatisfying about our relationship, and we’ve weathered some intense things that would have made our previous marriages crumble.
I’m very proud of her and this video will help us refine and improve our communication even more. We want to avoid the pitfalls that ruined our previous long term relationships.
Its something to watch together over dinner on a first date 😂
Watching this before I'm even in a relationship but I'll definitely come back to it when I do get in one.
"we fight not for the thing, but to see if we feel connected"
That is so true and i am really sorry that my Ex GF never understood this
Amazing
everything it took me 30+ years to learn, was simply explained in 5 minutes. I'm glad I'm managing my current relationship differently and I feel so lucky that we both could identify those things before they happened. most likely due to bad past experiences. this is gold
Thank you. You got this.
Why are you "lucky"?
@@vipermad358Likely because they identified those things before they happened. As the commenter said.
25, still lots to learn. Ex broke up with me of 4 years. We were both the problem, but I definitely take most of the blame, and that’s OK. I had a lot of trauma and got sucked into my own problems and neglected hers. She really put up with a lot towards the end and finally broke it off. When she did, she was shocked for me to say I was proud of her. I’m in a new relationship now, with 4 years worth of knowledge from a single girl that really felt like several different types of relationships.
@@TheRareCriticalThinker best of luck to you. I think you'll grow into it just fine if you have your eyes and mind open at such an early age. ✌
This is one of the best videos about marriage I have seen so far. Clear and simple, easy to relate. Wish everyone can see it before starting a relationship.
Which other good videos would you recommend?
😂 I’ll tell you how to predict 100%. When you marry someone who does not share your values
@@SuperSyro1 Hmm, depends on which values you are speaking broadly about here. He values Chevy while she is a Ford person… relationship is doomed from the start!😂
@@francoa.9646 you are the make jokes and learn hard way type
A 5 minutes length video, solved 5000+ thousands of marriage obstacles. If you just avoid these 6 key points, you're living a happy marriage. This right here is a life-changing content.
the whole point is not avoiding, is overcoming. you WILL face those problems and you WILL feel the urge to act that way, just don't ignore it, overcome it
@@Seijakukun word
Well said.
@nanieve4296
marriage advice you may benefit from:
1. Actively listen
2. Daily compliments
3. Swallow
4. Be there for each other
As someone living with autism, I have never heard of the term "flooding" before. My feeling of "not knowing how I feel" was pretty much classified as a mystery.... but this makes oh - SO much sense! You are absolutely brilliant! My parents were a rare case. Things were rough early in their relationship. VERY rough. Pretty much everything you listed plus infidelity on both sides. The fights were insane but never became physical. Being witness to all this as a child wasn't easy. The word divorce was a word being thrown around a lot. By some miracle as the years went on they somehow figured it out and grew to love each other even more. The fights, the infidelity. It all stopped and for 30+ years until my father passed away they never lied to each other or fought ever again. They were inseparable. It's really amazing what they overcame but also as I said, very rare.
"The thing is NOT the thing!" I love it, because you're absolutely right. I've been with my wife for almost 14 years and this is very true. Once you reestablish the connecting and repair what's going on, the squabbles don't really matter. Great wording.
Well said!
What do you mean by squabbles?
I was married, my first wife. We fought tremendously, for the 1st 6 years and through faults of our own, for the last 6 years. 6 years in the middle were not bad.
But after my divorce, I learned a ton and knew that I could not do that again. My current wife and I have been married for 7 years now and even though we have had a few disagreements, we have always loved each other and always seek to come to some understanding. We both know that neither of us seeks harm or control over the other. So we resolve our issues.
I feel like I have won the lottery. And we both feel like the luckiest people on earth.
I’ve been separated close to a year because of issues similar to what you describe. It’s so hard to look another person in the eye and say it’s over, and you want so badly to believe you can make it work. Never thought I would end up in this place. Also the questioning of could we fix and have a great marriage, or am I delaying the inevitable and potentially missing out on a more fulfilling relationship.
For many people it takes finding a good marital therapist, and you may have to try several before you find the one who is right for your marriage. Look for a "Discernment" counselor if you can to help you decide what to do.
Practical! Sometimes we learn to be cautious with one experience.
@@DrMarkBakerit’s wild to me that you still reply to a 9 year old video!
@@ntwynn if serious people are going to take the time to make a comment then I’m going to take the time to give them a serious reply.
Great video! My sweet Mammaw, who was married 55 years to my granddad, (and not without times of conflict) told me to always try and remember, when I was angry, how I felt when I first fell in love with my husband, think on his good qualities, and be willing to forgive. With the Lord’s help, it has worked for almost 44 years❣️ We have gone through some very rough times, from unemployment, bankruptcy, serious medical scares, and the loss of 2 of our 3 precious adult children(most recently the devastating loss of our ‘baby’ 36 yr old son on July 4th, 2023). Though battered, our love and respect has grown for each other. Very thankful❤️
Forgiveness is a powerful tool to heal the pain of the past. Not excusing or tolerating people, but actually forgiving them for what they did that was wrong.
@@DrMarkBaker Absolutely!🥰
What if he started abusing you is it okay to go to bed angry then? Asked her that.
@@DrMarkBakerhow do you forgive someone who doesn't see what they did as wrong and isn't sorry and keeps doing it even though it's hurting others
@@burgerbish Dont let your bitterness poison others, thanks.
I think it's important to note that most couples face some of these issues from time to time and as long as both appreciate the relationships it can be resolved and improved. Focusing on my own needs and psychological health really helped to re-estimate my marriage and shift the focus. Although it's a never ending process
Yea, thats the thing, as long as you respect one another and are willing to work on things, you'll always come out solid. A relationship/marriage, is essentially a working partnership.
You can't be partners if only one person is running the "business" it has to be 50/50.
I agree. And most couples also break up at some point. The majority never even make it to the marriage stage.
You're fighting to feel connected, because you're not.
That is so true! 😮
I’ve had all of these with my marriage in 2020 except contempt and stonewalling and didn’t even realize it. Going through Covid and pregnancy with postpartum depression all at the same time took such a toll on our marriage. I didn’t even realize how bad it was until seeing this video! Going through such a rough time just showed us how resilient our relationship is and definitely gave me a new found appreciation for my love for my husband. So glad we’re getting better and stronger and now have 6 years under our belt!
Congratulations on making it through covid! Wishing you and your family plenty of happiness :)
I was going to ruin your day by saying some mean things but I stopped myself.
Similar story with my husband and I. 2nd baby in 2 years, 3 months postpartum, husband and grandmother both end up hospitalized and nobody but me to visit them and take care of our 3 boys solo. Grandmother passed away. I mistook my medication thinking it had the same schedule as the previous dose when it didn’t so I was going cold turkey off some intense stuff. Basically a living nightmare that threw our entire lives off the rails. And we came out the other side so much stronger 🙂 whenever we’re having difficulties now, we both think about how “if we could get through that, this is a cake walk” 😂 We celebrated 5 years last March ❤ thanks for sharing your experience!
@@hienable6933 Why post this?
When females behave pretty much all relationships get better.
Sure men mess up..but in this modern era women have too much and stupid idea of freedom and "me time".
Fighting because we don't feel connected is so true. As a kid I got used to not being important to anyone, being neglected and just left to my own devices. When I feel disconnect in my marriage, it's difficult to jump out of that feeling and to realise that it's not true anymore. I need to work on myself more.
You are already starting, as you have admitted that your past is/ was moulding your adult self. That's good, keep observing yourself and you Will heal slowly but surely.
You’ve already taken the first step. You can do this.
How can I feel more connected?
It’s why I never married. Didn’t want to feel like that again.
If your are showing other signs of BPD as impulsive behavior you should be assessed by a psychologist for BPD. Feeling neglect and not loved in childhood is a big starter for BPD.
Me watching this as a single person lmao
Me watching this as a divorced person 😂
I’m single thank God I dumped her 😂
Same, 28 this year too
Preparation hurts no one. 😉🙌🏾 You’ll be ready.
Good to be ready goin in
Watching this in Dec 2024 and it still remains valid for my parents who fights all the time, every time even though after being married for 44 years.
Harsh startups, stonewalling, defensiveness, it's all there.
Sounds like they're the 9%
After 21 days of silent treatment from a closet alcoholic my Dad had a heart to heart talk with me about divorce. He saw more than I did.
Silent treatment?! What an animal! You took a vow, your daddy didn’t.
@@TTaylor That's not what I read. It sounded like a alcoholic in their life who was hiding the fact that they were an alcoholic in whom they were in a relationship was treating them that way. This person writing the comment wasn't doing that to the other person, but that person was doing it to them. Then their dad had a heart to heart talk with them about divorce because they saw the damage being done to this person who is writing the comment. That's how I read it.
@@DreaDrew7 that was my take as well. But her dad (who id bet is from a failed marriage) is giving her bad advice by even mentioning divorce. I’m sure there is more to their story, but alcoholism and the silent treatment aren’t good reasons for a divorce. The fact that’s all that was listed implies it’s the worst the spouse has done. Work thru it. Get them help. Get someone they respect into the house to talk about it. Get what they’re hiding out in the open and confront the problem. Then they won’t be a closet alcoholic anymore at least. Worst that can happen is they give you a valid reason for divorce or they divorce you leaving you a clear conscience know you did everything you could to help them. Best case scenario is you save your marriage. Thru good times and bad in sickness and in health. No.. the original poster was looking for a way out saving the marriage was the last thing on their mind. Dad just gave them a good excuse to bail out at the first trial. There are people who are physically abused and/or their spouse is an adulterer and Linda is getting the silent treatment? Come on now.
@@DreaDrew7 that’s how I took it as well. I replied with detail my thoughts but it got lost in UA-cam.
The physical stress in a relationship is so real. I threw up every day for a month in my last relationship, and I think I had about 10 kidney stones throughout it. I haven’t gotten kidney stones or chronic nausea since we broke up. Crazy!
Fr! Tension goes straight to my gut area
Wasn’t married, but in my last relationship this is EXACTLY what happened. ALL OF IT!
Yup bro
Same
The more time passes by, the more you'll appreciate being alone. You'll simply never want to be married.
@@Druze_Tito Yea, if you're so pathetic you can't better yourself and accept that you're just as shitty as every other human from a fundamental perspective. It's a cop out, giving up, lethargy, apathy, fear of growing pains.
everything it took me 30+ years to learn, was simply explained in 5 minutes. I'm glad I'm managing my current relationship differently and I feel so lucky that we both could identify those things before they happened. most likely due to bad past experiences. this is gold As someone living with autism, I have never heard of the term "flooding" before. My feeling of "not knowing how I feel" was pretty much classified as a mystery.... but this makes oh - SO much sense! You are absolutely brilliant! My parents were a rare case. Things were rough early in their relationship. VERY rough. Pretty much everything you listed plus infidelity on both sides. The fights were insane but never became physical. Being witness to all this as a child wasn't easy. The word divorce was a word being thrown around a lot. By some miracle as the years went on they somehow figured it out and grew to love each other even more. The fights, the infidelity. It all stopped and for 30+ years until my father passed away they never lied to each other or fought ever again. They were inseparable. It's really amazing what they overcame but also as I said, very rare.
I just started a relationship and I'm watching this to hopefully help it to go well, to see what the bad signs are so I can be cautious and how to avoid even thinking about them
How’s it going?
Showed this to my wife - I knew our marriage was good, but we agree that not a single one of these things applies (as in we do not do any of these); but we're gonna store this in the back of our minds to ensure it stays that way! Nice, succinct and clear - thank you!
Women have all the power if she wants she could leave your sorry ass better thank god he made you handsome or you are screwed
Congratulations! ❤
Very mature 👏 best of luck to both of you
Who are you people? Seriously. Impossible.
Stonewalling is mostly not a real disinterest but a reaction to feeling overwhelmed. Could be from harsh criticism, flooding by the partner, being made into the bad guy, missing the communication tools or self-confidence to express their side of the story. I have seen it with my parents where my father would close up after a relentless attack by my mother. My father closing up, resulted in an even stronger attack by my mother, because she did not felt heard. Which mostly resulted in my father just going out for a walk.
Did they get divorced?
@@ashleyann1763 yes, it was the best decision they ever made. As a child I did not like it, but in retro-perspective I wished they had done that much earlier.
I think you understand the cycle very well. Did they ever get help to break it? Most people have to try a few therapists before they find the right one for them.
@@DrMarkBaker In those days relation therapy was not very common. But they were too incompatible anyhow. Both of them were happier after the divorce.
If you had a mother who behaves like that, Ive got news for you-shes not ever really happy. Women who just attack attack attack are narcissists or emotional sadists who can only feel content in schadenfreude when theyve dragged someone down to be as miserable as they are. I'm sure your father is much happier, though.
After moving to college and out of my parents' home, looking back at my parents' marriage. When I lived there I've mostly disregarded all of these things listed and simply marked them as what a marriage is and that this was normal. Now as I have somewhat detached myself from the situation and looked back at their marriage critically with a better understanding of how relationships should go, I am quite amazed that they are still together for the 20 odd years they've been together. They always seem to be at each other's throats and the tension between them is certainly unhealthy. Really looking back at this, I've noticed how much damage has been dealt to myself by being in the middle of such a tumultuous relationship and I've taken the steps to start and fix what I didn't even know was wrong with me, to try and be better than them and learn from their mistakes. I want to make sure to end the generational trauma with me and ensure a better future if I ever decide to have a family of my own because the last thing I want to happen is to make another me, the future generations always deserve to be better than the last.
everything it took me 30+ years to learn, was simply explained in 5 minutes. I'm glad I'm managing my current relationship differently and I feel so lucky that we both could identify those things before they happened. most likely due to bad past experiences. this is gold As someone living with autism, I have never heard of the term "flooding" before. My feeling of "not knowing how I feel" was pretty much classified as a mystery.... but this makes oh - SO much sense! You are absolutely brilliant! My parents were a rare case. Things were rough early in their relationship. VERY rough. Pretty much everything you listed plus infidelity on both sides. The fights were insane but never became physical. Being witness to all this as a child wasn't easy. The word divorce was a word being thrown around a lot. By some miracle as the years went on they somehow figured it out and grew to love each other even more. The fights, the infidelity. It all stopped and for 30+ years until my father passed away they never lied to each other or fought ever again. They were inseparable. It's really amazing what they overcame but also as I said, very rare.
Well said. Great strategy 🍀🌞🍀
Generational trauma lmfao. Just shut up
There is no miracle in bad relationships not ending with a divorce. And it is not always about some kind of psychological trauma. Some people are just too petty to bear their life on their own.
Look, if they are still together, don’t worry about them. They are fine. If they hated the way they are to each other that much, they’d be divorced already. Try to spin it in a positive way: unlike 50% of couples now-a-days, they actually take “till death do us part” seriously. Old school. Good for them.
My parents had a very dysfunctional marriage and showed all of these signs! Its encouraged me to take responsibility for my own emotional state in relationships and be self aware enough to try and not project things on to others. Its hard work but i hope that as a result I can have a happy and healthy marriage when the time comes!
0:00 Intro
0:35 1) Harsh Start Up
0:50 2) The Four Horsemen
1:37 3) Flooding
1:58 4) Physiological Distress
2:21 5) Bad Memories
2:55 6) Failed Repair Attempts
3:36 Bonus
Those aren't actually the correct four horsemen. I was astonished that he got them wrong. I remember my teacher back in second grade told me they were Death, Famine, War, and Conquest. Sometimes they vary slightly, but those weren't even close, ha.
@@orangepeel1773you’re thinking about the four horseman of the apocalypse… he is referring to the four horseman of a troubled marriage. One is from the Bible and one is a catchy phrase to help you remember the four signs of trouble
Ohh okay thanks.@@skribulz7
Something small about this video i really like, whenever he’s mentioning a sign, it’s always directed at YOU. He’s sort of subtly telling you to address your own feelings before addressing the other person, which is a really good way to look at it. Great video.
Exactly.
My marriage got so bad that I developed neurological symptoms including nystagmus. The Cleveland Clinic spent over 2 years of tests thinking it was MS and denying my insistence that it was stress. It finally went away when I left him and have been happily divorced for decades!
hi
Been with my now husband almost 9 years and we never had these issues & I’m so grateful.
Having respect and proper communication is definitely 2 major keys to a successful relationship! ❤
"and when you feel connected, the THING all of a sudden doesn't seem so important" THANK YOU
This goes beyond divorces, you can definitely apply this to all conflicts your personal relationships.
My mariage has none of these, and definitely feels rock solid.
Our WORST time was at a point when stonewalling occured regularly. We've been able to push past that together. Now the relationship is cruising. It makes everything in life so easy.
I wish all of you who struggle with relationships, to reach such bliss one day.
Glad it’s going well for you both, be careful of thinking about the unsinkable nature of your voyage, see how it withstand a few icebergs first
I’m only 28 and I’ve been through all of this. Thanks for recommending this video UA-cam. I truly needed to hear this.
I suffered severe physiological problems when being with my "unhappily married" parents and it took me 10+ years to recover from them. My parents of course dont understand it. I swore to myself that I'd never be in an unhappy marriage. I just got married to a loving guy so yeah its possible to be finally happy and healthy.
wow, how did you do it. I have bad relationships with both of my parents who frankly they are abusers. And I've always been worried. I would end up in a situation like there's.
With you there! For years and so many doctors never could pin point all the internal pains, ibs etc. Glad you have found someone and are healing ❤ Do you still keep in contact?
Same thing. I’m married to a good man. But the anxiety and the projection from my parents relationship effects my marriage
Not raising my voice in an argument and then followed by proper communication on how the event made me feel afterwards is something I have had to learn for myself and now something that my girlfriend seems to be taking on board as well. She is still far behind me on dealing with an argument maturely but she is starting to look inwards a lot more and I am very thankful for it. I also feel in my opinion that RESPECT is my #1 need moving forward. She will go 0-100 almost immediately and her respect for me as her loving partner seems to go out the window but through communication she is beginning to understand that she cannot do that to me and it feels good to hear and see her accept her flaws. No matter what we are arguing about, I will always consciously try and make sure that I am not forgetting that I do love that woman, and that is very important when you are forming your words and intent behind them when you feel heated.
Well said.
Classic unfortunately. My ex was very similar from what you wrote. She would fight and argue like we were bitter enemies and not lovers.
This video came out just as I was graduating from high school. Now having gone through college, living alone for a few years, and being in two serious relationships, one being engaged, I'm so afraid of failing a third time. My parents got divorced, and I've made it a life goal of mine to never become divorced. Perfection might not exist, but I'm willing to do whatever it takes and watch however many videos I need so that I can be the perfect man for my future wife someday.
You have a great attitude. read Dr. Susan Johnson’s book. “hold me tight“, and keep focusing on your own growth.
But honestly, so what if you do get divorced? I don’t understand why it’s so scary. You might fall in love with someone and they might change, or you might change and they can’t respect it. You start to disconnect. Divorce isn’t murder. The relationship just might not be the same anymore
that’s so hot i’ll marry you rn
@@Dr.Armchair some people just want to fail their life. Let them
divorce allowed me to meet the love of my life. not divorcing could have been probably the worst choice of my entire life. I'm gonna be very straight forward here. If you bomb a tumor with radiation and chemicals (akin to trying to fix things in a couple) and it doesn't work... you keep it?
I’m not married but have had close friendships that have dissolved 😔 these are spot on and I can see that i contribute to these failures by not addressing issues at all.
Good insight.
Nice one sir, my marriage is fast heading for divorce.
and the sponge off until they are saturated and soak in it for a year (Separation period) and when it runs dry they are ready to move on to the next one..
I hope you were able to work things out and save it.
Tineka Howell pretty exploitive.
This made me chuckle 🤷🏾♂️
So did it happen?
I never thought I'd suffer all of this. I felt smarter than that but life is tough and sometimes you end in places you don't want to be, trapped.
🙏🏼❤️
Same
@@jervisman2same
What’s so interesting to me is that some of these negatives occurred in my own marriage, with me guilty of the “harsh start up” in particular. Yet I loved my husband so deeply that when he died 5 years ago I grieved to the point of physical illness. I still grieve deeply today. There is no one else for me as far as a romantic and a life partner. I believe and hope that he knows that.
Keep your head high. Sorry for your loss.
Your self-awareness is probably a big sign that you were way ahead of the curve. Most people who do this stuff are not aware they are doing it.
The behaviors themselves become an issue, but what causes them is the root issue. And a lot of what causes them is low emotional functioning from lack of self-understanding.
you’ll have each other in God’s kingdom
Yeah me too. I’m only in my 20s but lost my fiancé too. Feel the same way as you
@@yeeyee52 let's not bring religion into this topic, ok?
This is great. It made me realize that I can totally be a harsh start up-er, and it’s been brought up with my partner, I didn’t know how much it affected him because we hadn’t really talked things through because he would shut down when I harshly started things up!! Our relationship has been so much better now that I’m able to gently bring things up because I know now that he’s sensitive to them, when I was originally upset because I thought he didn’t care at all. ANYWAYS. Good advice, thank you
Omg same. Hoping we can both fix this! We can always improve to be better versions of ourselves ❤good luck!
As others did, I found this video very interesting and loved the advice. It struck me as a real-life elaboration on the "quantum of solace" concept by Ian Fleming which (broadly) proposes that the survival of a relationship between two people hinges on that minimum core of compassion, humanity from one towards the other.
While it's a fictional concept, it helped me immensely during a few crises in my relationship by reminding me that even when we're angry and frustrated at each other, ultimately my partner and I are fallible human beings and deserving of compassion. A few times it honestly saved me from the temptation of being vindictive or cruel towards a person who I love very much. So I'm very happy to find this video which presents that general idea in a more scientific and actionable way.
Wow, so well said. Thank you for making that connection.
One important lesson everyone needs to learn is the difference between LOVE and ATTACHMENT
Even if I’m not in a marriage I’ll take this as a “What not to do” for my own marriage soo thank you 👍👍
To save you five minutes, the giveaway is when your spouse files for divorce
Thanks
So it sounds like a relationship will fail if both people don't possess the three qualities that prevent these 5 pitfalls:
Positivity, assuming good intentions by the other spouse, and personal accountability.
Can't stay mad if i assume they didn't mean it. Can't be racked with symptoms of worry if I am hopeful for the future. And i can't be defensive/retaliartory if i'm open to listen to mistakes i've made.
Good video.
Great reframe!
@DrMarkBaker thank you. I'm trying to learn from others and my mistakes to choose a spouse in the future.
@@Twoyutes74 What if they tell you that they do actually mean it, though? Meaning they intend to cause harm.
Im not married but in a long term relationship. 10 yrs. We have most of the same issues as a married couple. This was so accurate its frightening.
When someone starts the conversation with a criticism theres nowhere to go but down.
Well i guess its good you are not married. You can just walk away. So why do you stay?
@@BrittJoshua24-15 we don't live together. I stay out of habit. And we have two dogs together. That's it.
@@meghanmisaliar i see. Its not marriage at all. Nothing is like marriage. Ive been married. Ive lived with someone and ive had companions. Nothing is like marriage. I dont really know what to say accpt maybe its good you dont live together.
You can walk away if you're married -- especially as a woman. (not to be sexist, courts just favor women when ti comes to parcelling resources) I also find it obnoxious to say that a 10 year relationship is "nothing like a marriage". Communication problems would be similar in a marriage and a 10 year relationship.@@BrittJoshua24-15
That "relationship" of yours is ridiculous
My boyfriend and I have difficult conversations from time to time, but I'm happy to see none of these signs match us, except for perhaps flooding in select instances. We've never had a proper fight, mostly just trying to reach agreement on what our boundaries are.
Sometimes we've felt disconnected from eachother, and it's been painful, but we've always found our way back together.
Thanks for sharing!!
Deidara you shouldn't be here, itachi undid the reanimation jutsu a long time ago😳
For me it all boils down to respect. If you respect your partner and they respect you, you can work through just about anything. I’ve was divorced after 15 yrs of marriage and there was no respect in either side. I learned from this and met a kind caring man that I truly respect. Now I’ve been remarried 25 yrs and it’s going strong. Any issues we have (which do come up from time to time) are resolved by simply talking through them….mutual respect, plain and simple.
How did you get through your divorce and find love again?
Thank you for this. My previous marriage had all these. I was just not able to define the behaviors as clear as he had. We never really resolved any of our conflicts. I was always the "bad" guy and she, the "victim". I stopped fighting for the marriage the latter part because it was not a real partnership. We parted ways after 9 years. She keeps trying to get back together these past few years. I never accepted her again because it's obvious she never learned anything and still was not willing to adjust her mindset. She still thinks she's the prize. I am grateful for the learnings from my past marriage because I can now see the red flags early when I meet people.
It sounds like she might have narcissist personality disorder. Run, don’t walk from that. There is never change with this.
@@slc1161 There was a Borderline Personality Disorder diagnosis by the third-party psychologist who certified psychological incapacity on her part. She never took that diagnosis seriously and never made adjustments. She went on a lot of new age things for self and trauma healing and considered herself fixed without any real effort. Yup, she never changed even almost a decade after the marriage. I stopped all communication with her recently after years of trying to help her as a friend.
@orlandodizon4755 Sounds like my ex after refusing to take her medication after her diagnosis.
Said it made her feel different and rather than understanding or wanting to understand why that was, she just took it as a negative. I've noticed people get used to and justify their behavior 😅
This was so accurate. I am somewhere between stage 4 and 5. Stomach problems, backpain, acne. Suffering in my marriage for almost 10 years.
I wish you the all the best
@@Thunderdumpe You are so kind, thank you.
So what you gonna do?
Seriously, what are you gonna do besides whine on youtube? Come on man. Pick your head up and think a positive thing. Do a positive thing. Take your wife/husband out to a park. Pray to Jesus for healing. Try a new restaurant. Try couples yoga. Try whatever new for something.
@@rainbowodysseybyjonlion I bet you are not married. Otherwise you wouldn't talk like that. It is much more complicated than going to a restaurant or yoga and find a solution. Especially if you have kids, it is not an easy decision to get a divorce.
My keys too my healthy marriage. 1.Communication 2. NOT raising voices in an argument. 3. Give eachother space. 4. Trust. 5. Don't put eachother down/no name calling. 6. Once argument is resolved...you're not allowed to bring it up again.
No specific order. But literally, if you don't have these 6 things in your marriage...good luck 👍
No one could live by this for long, number two for example, if you feel compelled to shout at your partner, is a good indication you're with the wrong partner
This is great to read!
@@crnkmymthrfknhog8670
Thanks 😊
@strake750 I disagree with that. There are no two humans in the world that won't argue with eachother after living under the same roof. You've argued with your mother, you've argued with your father, you've argued with your siblings, you've argued with your best friends. It's going to happen. And sometimes you will want to yell. But I will say that if this is a common occurrence that you feel compelled to yell at your partner. Then yea, most likely you're with the wrong person. And most people are unfortunately.
I can't agree with number 6. If it is being brought up, then in fact it was not resolved. Do I miss something?
Have no clue of why this showed up in my feed, but I’m glad it did. Thank you.
That's why I seek someone who stays calm under pressure and hopefully we'll be compatible. I don't believe in "opposites attract". I want to meet someone very much like me.
Smart! I heard a psychologist say "the only thing that opposites attract is divorce!"
Yeah the more you have in common, the less there is to create division between the two of you.
@@meghanmisaliaryou think that people do not change?!?!
@@kevinjohnson3521they do or they stagnate and you grow and they resent you for it sadly.
@@Jaxmusicgal23 good points
9 years ago, still a banger. Love that he could list this all out in 5 minutes.
Litterally just fell out with a family member, like an hour ago! The lack of wanting to work on compromize or figure things out was a giga-red flag for me. Definetly great advice for other social settings as well 👍
Me too! About roughly the same time frame as you did! But it seems like I was the one not willing to compromise. I'm definitely wondering who you are, CYellowan. I'm still definitely quite bitter about it.
I'm sorry to comment negatively here but I've gotta get my emotions out there even if you're not them. Because it's got to go somewhere rather than boiling inside me.
I love that at the end and the last part itself is not just apologizing but actually working it through. It’s 90% of the time not about the issue, it’s about the disconnect on the issue and other aspects
I’m going through a divorce with a narcissist so there is no going back there as you will never be able to connect whether you want to or not. Run 🏃🏻♀️
Sure thats not jus a cope for someone tryin to hold u accountable for first time in your life?
Good video. Ultimately I feel a lot of these “signs” are just how people relate when they have no respect or compassion for the other person or when they feel trapped with someone. You see the same in all relationships - family, work, etc. Not that I’m an expert but I feel the key is being with people you actually respect and are compatible with, and having enough freedom and opportunity not to get “trapped” with people because you have no other options.
Respect is key.
I have also seen this happening between teenage/adult children living with a single parent - so perhaps this is actually more of an interpersonal familial dynamic, rather than something specific to divorce...either way, rather sad. It rarely leads to a good outcome.
So, single mothers? Probably treated their man the same way, hence they are single, right?
Just to add to this, there is a lot of power in a long and deep embrace. Fully crying in each others arms. Being there and being present, listening to the other person and BEING PRESENT. If your there, your in the clear. With age comes complacency and incompetence in upkeep. Every single time you catch yourself slipping, pick yourself back up. commit to being present and listening to your partner, and make sure to speak up for yourself when you need to. Its okay to admit when you’re wrong, and your partner needs to have the same mindset.
Can't every topics be explained like this. This is very easy to understand
I often wondered why my ex even married me to begin with... he criticized my every move and seemed to hate me and everything i stood for. Realizing this helped me find freedom instead of clinging to death.
Christ is the key.
It sounds like he wanted someone he could control. Narcissists often do. The real question is, why did you marry someone who constantly criticized you? I hope you can solve that, so history doesn't repeat itself. Good luck 👍
@@krishannam1346good question.
they don't start criticizing until after they have trapped their victim.@@krishannam1346
@@krishannam1346they rarely do that pre- marriage.
They are good at making you feel awesome until after the honeymoon period where the criticism starts and you are in too deep emotionally to pick up on what is going on.
It's about common respect. Many oeople stay in marriages because of being trapped... money, kids, family. Ending a relationship is hard! Much easier sometimes to ride it out. I'm 53. Riding the wave.
If you can still be relatively happy (or just content) while riding the wave that's good. But if you're miserable while riding the wave that will crush you.
There's a 1975 book by Sheila Kessler titled "The American Way of Divorce: Prescriptions for Change." She was absolutely spot on about the patterns that lead to breakups. Another thing I would recommend before you are married is to take a careful look at the relationship your love interest has with the opposite sex parent. Whatever it is, they will exhibit the same behavior with you.
I will just corroborate this; I hated how my (now-husband) ignored the requests of his mother I had trouble when we were leaving and he'd not do the thing etc and she was very nagging and annoying and I vouched I would not be the same FFW, that's thee only thing that works on him and I'd rather sleep in a clean house after a day of nagging and being annoying than doing everything myself.
@@braria9855god this hurt to read.
You’re correct about what type of relationship they have with opposite sex parent….my ex and his mom major issues…my husband now loved and respected his mom❤️
I don’t agree. One of the reasons I married my ex husband was how well he treated his mother. Turns out they were in a psychological marriage and when she decided she didn’t like me she would manipulate him into abusing me and the cycle never ended until I left. It was a switch, with me he verbally and physically abused but the moment she was around or called he melted. So no I don’t think it’s always the case most unfortunately. Sometimes that closeness is pathological if you look closely.
@@AT-eu4zu Either way you’re agreeing that people should carefully analyze the relationships that their partners have with their parents. Guys having a psychological marriage with their mom is not the norm.
If you have a hard time communicating and/or you find yourself defensive or combative in your relationships - romantic or not- therapy is wonderful, it’s important to understand why we have our dispositions and attitudes, why we communicate the way we do and show up in those relationships.
You are absolutely right!
I've been married almost 12 years, still going strong. My previous relationship was off and on over the course of 7 years. That relationship was doomed to fail because it had the four horsemen of the apocalypse. I specifically remember flooding most of all. My marriage has none of that. We respect each other's boundaries, and because of that we resolve things much faster. Respect goes such a long way in any relationship.
My psychiatrist recently pointed out to me that “conflict” & associated emotional discomfort, typically lasts about 90 seconds. It passes, & if the will exists, discomfort dissipates, & discussion/even debate, if undertaken sans contempt, can be quite useful.
Just stumbled onto this channel. New sub. Intrigued.
Excellent point. When the Amygdala (emotional region) hijacks the prefrontal cortex (logical region) the conversation is over. A brief time out becomes necessary.
This is actually really encouraging. We’ve gone through a lot with life and health in the last four years. It’s been hard, but we’re not showing these signs other than part of #2 (mostly criticism and feeling distant). Sometimes life is just hard, but it’s good to be in it together even if it is a strain.
Married 35 years to my best friend, rarely a fight since-meeting 38 years ago, he is a saint, I’m extremely lucky.😊
I wasn't married but this is exactly why my one serious relationship didn't work out. I have been struggling with finding peace for trying to understand it, even went to therapy and I have never heard flooding before. It's nice to put a word to that feeling and this gives me a better idea of it, the moment it gets to that point and the contempt it is over. I held trust, love, and communication and my partner never could give me the same in return.
🙏
Same . Same . Same . I’m in stage 5
My mom and stepdad went through this for decades. Then my mom was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. I saw them kiss for the first time in over ten years. I thought they were hopeless. I think they may actually have a chance at healing their relationship because of the fact that my mom is face-to-face with her own mortality.
Was she a hard starter?
Wow, that last point really hit home. Just had a fight with my partner yesterday, about finances. Turns out the exact arrangement isn't that important to both of us, it was actually about not feeling safe, protected, connected and provided for. As soon as we got on the same page and reaffirmed that we are a team no matter what, the fight just disappeared into thin air.
Excellent video. I would add blaming and shaming. When your spouse/ husband constantly blames you for everything and humiliates you in private and public, your marriage is doomed. I speak from my own experience.
You are right. I wrote a whole book on that titled "Overcoming Shame"
My brother does this to his wife, makes fun of her in front of people 'in a teasing way'...but it's insulting nonetheless. Not sure how she tolerates this. It's so embarrassing and makes me anxious when I'm around them. But, i'm glad not to be the target of criticism, which was me before this person came along to take a role as 'wife' in his life. I try to avoid them as much as possible b/c I just want to be surrounded by healthy, loving people
Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Matthew 11:28
Thats why its important to have a partner that can be coached. A coachable partner is someone who can take criticism, will not be defensive, and won't stonewall you because they want to learn and grow as well. Having said that, if your partner does make a mistake you should not snap at them for it because they will not want to speak to you and flooding, defensiveness etc. will happen.
Tell your spouse even the little things. This is more for pretty much every human in general, when people come to you with a problem, that is rarely the real problem
, It is just what broke them and got them to the point where they spoke up. Having a headache, and not saying anything to the other person might seem like you're upset with them, and once the mind goes down that rabbit hole, it can start a fight that never needed to be. Nothing should ever be a surprise. Transparency is absolutely essential.
Acceptance is another key to happiness. Acceptance doesn't mean you like, or agree with what's wrong. It just means that you acknowledge that it exists and there's nothing you can do to change it so you make peace with it otherwise it will chew both of you up.
This is a good guide for pretty much any relationship, especially the negative associations/bad memories point. I think this is one of the strongest signs a friendship/romantic relationship is in trouble.
I've never been married or in a serious relationship, but this has given me great insight so that hopefully I can work to avoid these things when I do get into one. Thank you!
You got this!
The takeaway at the end even applies to my little children squabbling with their siblings. We talked it out one time and the youngest said, "All I ever really want is to know they love me and I love them and for it to be peaceful" - i.e. connection - and that's where the fights originate 😭💔
My wife and I have been married for 14 years. We have fought, sometimes harshly. But, we learned how to fight without hurting each other. We've also come to realize that we would rather both lose the fight instead of hurting each other, it just ain't worth it. We still disagree on stuff, but try to come to a consensus through discussion and talking out each side. My wife has given me final say in some decisions where we were unsure of what to do next, and if it turns out badly she has stopped saying "I told you so" like she used to. Again, it's not important to be right, it's important to protect each other and look out for each other. We try to lift each other up, and challenge each other to be better, but we are also okay with each other the way we are. We love raising our two sons, spending time with family, going hunting, and playing video games together. We enjoy each other's company and are best of friends. I feel very blessed to have found such a great woman.
Here's an important thing I've learned:
- It's inevitable that you and your partner will sometimes hurt each other's feelings.
- When we're hurt, we feel small, and it's natural to have the urge to retaliate by making the other person feel small.
- The lasting success of your relationship largely hinges on how good you are at recognizing and suppressing that urge.
IMO most of the danger signs in the video tie into this basic principle.
I wanna say it to her, Let's end this. But I can't get the guts to do it. Now at 50 after 17 years I finally see that I've been used and manipulated.
Hope you were able to move forward
Did you do it?
Be your own inner light. Be attentive. If you are not good for yourself, then who will be.
Honesty and openness (especially towards yourself!) will save you
Mate, I'm 51 and have just ended (3 months ago) a 17 year marriage. I knew in my first year it was not going to work. I've been such a fool!
better late than never@@drosophilamelanogaster3957
This is great..helps me put my first marriage in it’s place and helps me see why my second marriage is so peaceful. Thanks for this timeless information.