The SURPRISING way narcissists TEST you
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- Опубліковано 15 вер 2024
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September 5-7, 2024
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DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.
THE VIDEO DOES NOT REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AND SHOULD NOT BE USED TO REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AS HAVING NARCISSISM. PERMISSION IS NOT GRANTED TO LINK TO OR REPOST THIS VIDEO, ESPECIALLY TO SUPPORT AN ALLEGATION THAT THE MAKERS OF THIS VIDEO BELIEVE, OR SUPPORT A CLAIM, THAT A SPECIFIC PERSON IS A NARCISSIST. THAT WOULD BE AN UNAUTHORIZED MISUSE OF THE VIDEO AND THE INFORMATION FEATURED IN IT.
Even if you pass a narcissist’s test, you still fail.
Literally. They don't want happiness for anyone, especially themselves
Yeah, because you're hooked into their world. You want to fail their tests from the start so they go away.
So true!
Oh well, great success.
Narcs are; or, and, if and but all at the same time 😂😂😂
You'll never win in a narcissist relationship unless you leave
this
🎯🥇100%
Absolutely! Making plans…..
You can't leave a job because your boss is a narc.
Even then there will be after shock
My malignant narc mother would rage and scream "you"re testing me!" when she wouldn't get her way. Typical projection! No one was testing her, but since SHE tests people, she assumes everyone does.
My malignant narcissist ex said he tested people all the time by asking them questions he already knew answers to.
@user-dk3xm3qv1d what a loser
My mother is a covert narc, father malignant. Suffice to say, it’s been hell. I worked on myself for yrs because all i attracted was narc. boyfriends, as an empath so, even more hell and suffering. I’ve suddenly woken up since this Mercury Retrograde and became even more severe with my level of tolerance - 1 fight and I ignore or ask mother politely to leave & go to the family home because I am entitled to PEACE in my OWN home. I feel i’m in the final stages of stopping contact & changing my life completely. I’ll be 40 25th of September, and enough is enough. I’ve had it. My physical health suffered immensely, my mental health suffered immensely. I am done done done.
“I’m your mother!” is the response that means I’m supposed to be obedient, subservient, and disrespected.
A test is often used as evidence that you are mean. If you didn’t agree with the delusional crap, then you’re mean. That victim now can advertise that you are mean…even though you aren’t. You failed the first test but passed the second one (their evidence) with flying colors.
"I'm your father" means "Common sense and boundaries have no place under my roof. And don't shed a single tear, defend yourself or walk away as I berrate you in public."
“We’re Sisters! This is how Sisters are!”
-Covert Narc older Sister would tell me when I tell her to Stop being Nasty to me.
Absolutely
Absolutely true. It's sadistic.
This video had me laughing out loud, Dr. Ramani. 😂They are such children/babies with their tests. They act like they are so self-sufficient but they are, in reality, so needy.
100%. I’m out running errands and GF texts me that I don’t seem to appreciate how she supports me. This after her hip fracture and me trying to work from home after a long bout of unemployment, helping her out of bed, to the washroom, minding the dog, cleaning, making all the meals taking her to medical appointments, and having to work till 3 or 4 am just barely getting my work done. Not much in the way of thanks given, and If I dare to mention how exhausted I am she says “you’re making me feel like I’m a burden”.
My ex was good at this.. also bread crumbing , future faking& bait & switch... I still carry the pain 10 years later
Well stop it. Its not yours to carry ❤
I know your pain well. It’s so difficult isn’t it? I’m so sorry.
Yup. Spot on. The exhausting mind games never end.
Ask them to do something for you. Something small. Something you would do for them with no hesitation. If they are narcissistic or otherwise toxic, it will ALWAYS go at least 1 of 4 ways (though sometimes these reactions may compound): They will act as though they didn’t hear you. Depending on how long you’ve been in the relationship, you may ask again. If it’s been long enough, you’re likely to drop the request right then and there.
They will promise to do it, but never follow through.
If you ask again or remind them, they will usually have some kind of excuse. In these cases, they will still never actually fulfill their promise. Their excuse is not a reason for lagging, it is the reason they should be absolved from all expectation whatsoever. Often this excuse will be meaningless or an outright lie.If you don’t buy their excuse, and tell them so, you will experience the wonderful segue into reaction.
An argument will ensue
The argument will be your fault. It could be a small back and forth contending against your request, or it might quickly devolve into them screaming at you. You never know which it will be. They might even say outright that you should never ask or expect anything from them. Usually they will express that you are asking too much, hurting them in some way (financially, emotionally, insulting them, etc), or attack your character.
The argument will only end when you relinquish your request + apologize, or start ignoring them completely. If you can ignore them long enough, they may apologize to you. However, the conflict will never feel truly resolved.
At this juncture they may actually end up giving you what you asked for. Often this does require you admitting that you don’t really need it, or that you would be fine with what they suggested instead. This leads us to reaction
They give you what you asked for, BUT
There is ALWAYS a catch. It might be small. They show up late with no apology. They buy you what you wanted, but it’s the wrong color, model, brand, etc. They take you where you wanted to go, but pressure you the whole time you’re getting ready because you’re going to be sooo late. Then they want to leave early anyway. It might be worse. They do it out of anger, and make a big display out of it to scare/hurt you. They hold it over your head until you do something for them first. Or, later on, they use it against you. “I did x for you, so you should do y for me.” No matter what, you never actually feel fulfilled, happy, or loved when they do something for you. Somehow, even from the getgo, there was this deep-seated feeling of guilt and fear, this sense that the “special” things they were doing for you weren’t so special at all. Eventually, you become afraid to ask for anything. You’ve been conditioned to believe you deserve nothing. Ironically, or not, the less demands you make, the worse you will be treated. Moreover, Catching a cheating spouse might be difficult, and knowing what local laws say you can and cannot do might be even more difficult. To simplify the process, consider hiring a private investigator to do the sleuthing for you I genuinely appreciate how incredible you are and your work! Thank you for a job well done digitalinvestigate@gmail.com
A narc testing someone is such a pathetic way to relate to someone and live imo.
The sooner we can break the spell and recognize what sick creatures we've been involved with, the quicker we can declutter them from our lives. Took me 8 years but I finally got rid of every last one of them. Hallelujah!
I realize how much this particular narcissist I'm dealing with has really tested my dignity and morals. There's a lyric in a Taylor Swift song "You caged me and then you called me crazy". For me, I've behaved in ways in this narcissistic relationship that I'd never do in a healthy relationship. Then, of course, I'm called out as toxic in response to the narcissists's own toxic behavior, behavior that is never acknowledged. The frustration is overwhelming to say the least. Thank you for the last phrase, "You're gonna get it wong, anyhow." 😅 So, so true. Those words were a much needed bit of daily healing for this caged lady. 💙
Lol Taylor would know a lot about narcissism, I'm sure.....
As a narc survivor, TTPD has been therapeutic
Narcissists will test you when you’re not even there and are completely unaware there’s a test. And you failed that test too.
Ikr, lol!!!😂😂😂
Constantly walking on eggshells
so many times I was responsible for my mother's distress even when I'm not there, or simply reading a book in my room. Then I got a beating by dad for upsetting mum. All I did was keep out the way and read. It's always impossible
That's like in university.
@krux02 atleast at university you get a degree but with a narc you are left with nothing to show for it
I Think Narcissists Test to see if you have Boundaries + See if you Know about Manipulation Tactics.
I think I'm being tested to see if I have boundaries. Although it's not a romantic relationship, I feel trapped in that dynamic.
@@hermessantos1601Any relationship in fact
" Your going to get wrong anyways; be true to yourself ".
❤❤❤. Fabulous quote.
Thank you
I am a teacher, so I give tests, I set the tests, and so desire my students to pass, such joy. However when a narcissist "gives you a test' they really want you to fail so they can do their next steps: gaslight, rage, devaluing belittling smear campaign.....demons 👿......Lord have mercy help!!!! Persevering in Prayers Psalms 1-150🤲👍👑🇯🇲🙏
Hi, I'm from Jamaica as well. These people are draining. Married to one.
You described the next steps (after failing the test) perfectly-----better than I did in my comment.
@@lesabrydson2526 can we communicate?
Nah, I don't think it's their plan to make you fail. They are just a bit delusional expectations and this actually get disappointed. But instead of looking at them self and their expectation they just look at the other person failing to meet those expectations. I don't think a narcissist is intentionally hateful.
@@krux02 Boy, it sure feels like it however.
Oh, yes I have been tested. And when I don't give the right answer, I am not a 'supportive person' and not a 'good family member'.
And the right answer is supposed to not just be the words but the tone. I think the issue was I was supposed to fake my emotions and be over the top happy, or empathetic, or supportive.
I have this same issue with my sister. How are you dealing with it? I’m only just realizing what is going on and that I have been enabling her behavior towards me
@@GeorgiaK0075just staying aware helps. Another family member avoids engaging on contentious topics. Saying as little as possible but acknowledging their feelings is a way to side step: “Oh that must be difficult” or “I see.”
"Trying to make themselves look more virtuous." Yup. That's the narcissist's main goal while they're not angry.
I really believe Dr Ramani could become a standup comedian. I know these kinds of stories, and all their variations, very well - and love the way she managed to retell them with a comedic tone and perspective 🙂
Damned if you do, damned if you don't .
My ex constantly accuses me of not caring. This video helped me realize that it wasn't *me* that wasn't caring, it was her projecting her uncaring behavior onto me. Thank you.
Their accusations are really confessions. Listen closely.
Dr. Ramani when you said once that what we are really dealing with is a three year old Temper Tentrum in a fully grown adult body , THAT REALLY RESONATED with me. A Huge Lightbulb clicked On in my head
😂😂 I told him several times after I figured out ( by watching literally every video Dr Ramani has made) that he's just "a Todd-ler ( his name was Todd ) in an adults meat-suit."
The temper tantrums - literally like a 4 yr old - the defiance ( not going to do that just because I don't want to/ because I know you want me to) and the first time I replied with a "No." just a No with no explanation, and then repeated it several times, was the first time he physically assaulted me and went into a narcissistic rage; I ended up in the ER for 4 hours... later he blamed me and said it was MY fault - I MADE him angry so I had " hurt my own self!" ( Yes, he really spoke that way.
Run now!! Don't waste ten years of your life like I did; it Never gets Better!!
"You're gonna get it wrong anyhow."
Wow, exactly spot on!! 🎉
I have taken to thinking of this person as: “my toddler husband.” Keeps me grounded.
Hey, you copied me. 😂😂
Only way to make it through the day…. Did you do such and such, did you need blankety blank, on and on….ugggh!
I have a toddler father-in-law. Good times. Can't do anything without his hand being held. "I have this mouse bait I should spread around the camper before the mice get in, but YOU have had too many other plans on the weekends, so WE haven't been to camp." Makes projects without any desire to complete them. Makes tripping hazards, but is extremely particular about how his hairbrush is placed on the bathroom sink. Thinks cooking and cleaning is "b**** work", but constantly buzzes through the kitchen when I'm cooking to drop little judgemental comments. He is the king of avoiding responsibility and will roll over, drink himself sloppy, and play victim at the drop of a hat.
@@HamperofHats Poor You! A narc & an alcoholic? You win! I had alcoholic parents from a young age, but at least for me I didn’t get dealt that hand. Wow, a combination of my parents and the child I’m married to all in one. I mean I did have to deal with all of them at the same time, but separately. I truly am sorry you are having to deal with that. Do you at least have help, a time of respite? A counselor?
😂 that's a great coping mechanism.. Going to use it next Time 🎉
I guess this would be considered a 'test.' My narcissistic mom would always play this 'Lucy and Charlie Brown football' game with me every time I would come home to visit her at the holidays. She would say, "When I die, what heirloom would you like?" She didn't really have anything of value to me, but I would be polite and play along. I would say "I'll take this lamp (that I had bought for her) and she would say, "I'm giving that to so and so." Then, I would suggest something else, and of course, that thing would be going to someone else. Every year she would do this. I dreaded this game. So finally, one year, I just said, "I don't really want anything." She then suggested that I take some 'artwork' that she had created in a class. Nobody wanted her mediocre 'art.' She never supported us, her children, in our creative endeavors, just pooh poohed everything. So to conclude this game forever, I agreed to take her 'artwork" knowing that I would throw it in the trash when she was gone. Crazy-making.
Hmm ... seen the same theme at play with interactions with my mother. She will offer you something (to be fair she is very generous) and then when you make your choice she will immediately cut you down by saying that "another vastly more important person in her estimation" actually got dibs on that!
The Big Test usually comes when you and your life are on a positive track. It's like sabatoge when you seem to be doing good, theg swoop in and cause total chaos!
Brilliant. Whoa, once you can see what it looks like, it's clear it's happening all the time. Thank you for the clear and usable examples, and the reminder to keep being authentic as You Can't Win with a Narcissist.
Dr. Ramani, I can not thank you enough for what you do. For many people out there like myself, you can be a lone voice validating what we know and what we believe is true when other people around us doubt us and question us or think we need to work harder at trying to get along with a narcissist. Thank you so much.
Shortly before discard, he told me that his father physically abused his mother during their marriage. This was the first time he mentioned it during our decades together. I was perplexed. I didn’t say anything. I couldn’t tell if it was a threat or a test of my empathy.
The 'thing' Is, No One should Ever be Testing Or Con-trolling Anyone ! Us Empaths seem to UnderStand this Instinctively and Intrinsically , Narcisissts Never Do !
Well said
Something has changed in me abruptly. I'm not taking any narc's baits, I'm confronting or mocking them at every step, and I'm putting myself over everyone else.
Idk if something snapped in me.
Same thing just happened in me, this week! Doesn't it feel great?!
@@lilkimig It does! Feels refreshing too. I can't believe that now I'm able to recognise the baiting when it's first happening. "Disengaging" really works.
Congrats! You have officially entered your Villain Era™️! This era is SO much fun.
(Totally serious, not sarcasm)
@@ashleykennedy2824 Their chase to bait me has increased. I'm even disengaging whenever I can. Looks like all of this only makes them want to chase you more. 🤦♀️
Now they have formed entire groups to bait me. 🙄 I wonder why these people have so much time and energy?!!
I have deliberately started playing hot and cold with them. I'm playing them whenever I feel like going against my basic nature of empathy. It's crazy how predictable they and their reactions are!! 😂 It's such a pity that their every move is calculated.
Idk what changed in me but I don't see them as worthy of existence anymore.
When I think of a narcissists love, there's a scene in Texas Chainsaw Massacre, where he's being nice to the victim by giving him a chance to escape... he says, if you can make it to that thing over there in 10 seconds, i'll let you go... and then he breaks his legs... and is like "aww... you failed"
i just wanna say thank you! These videos have helped me in knowing that I have been in a relationship with a narcissist. I used to think everything is my fault but slowly upon analysing I have got to the conclusion that it was the other way around.
Narcissists are really soooo lucky that there isn't a way to actually measure sacrifice (giving & effort) because if there was a way to measure it, it would break the chart of how much we give and sacrifice and how much they take, even though they say they are ALWAYS the "victim"...... Thank you so much, can we invent a sacrifice-measuring machine? Can someone invent an A.I. that proves narcissism is real? 👍❤❤❤ (Projection is confession!!!👍)
"You're going to get it wrong anyways, so you might as well be true to yourself." Yessss.....
Oml ! It’s like being in films you didn’t even know you were the character to master the script !
😂 you are so right. He’s the only one with a script.
@@turnbacktime65 kinda wished they utilized that energy to invest on creativity instead of real people 😹
Thank you Dr. Ramani. This video is a great reminder of how consuming is the narcissist’s need for reassurance.
Dr Ramani is so on point. Whatever you do or the person you are is never gonna be enough for them, and your self worth gets so affected in the process. The only way you get peace and your confidence back is walking out.
Your absolutely correct. I was in a similar situation. Had to walk out on my X to save my sanity.😊
Moving the goalposts is another sign. They're testing to see how far you will go for how long.
And have you noticed how the distance of the goalposts are just as arbitrary as the people they apply to?
Narcissists make sure the same distance of the same goal post doesn't apply to everyone.
Going no contact with my narcissistic boss twenty years ago also meant letting go of the career I worked so hard for since age 14. Too bad for him I refuse to be reeled back into his toxic universe.
Yes, my narcissist ex-boss is that influential in my chosen career field. Too bad for him my sanity , safety and physical health take precedence over his outward image and desires.
I have the silliest example of moving the goalposts. I went through a phase of having soup and two slices of toast every day for lunch (I work from home). One day, I was extra-hungry so I had three slices of toast with my soup. My narc bf (ex-bf since Friday) flew into a rage, saying that I would get fat and didn’t I even care about the way I looked???!!?! So after that, every time I was very hungry at lunch, I would have to eat an extra slice of toast in secret because I didn’t want to get screamed at again. Anyway, one day he caught me eating three slices and he couldn’t care less, he just ignored it. I was amazed. I was convinced that the rules were real - and yet, they weren’t? It was so confusing and stupid and heartbreaking because the web of small things and rules really does build up around you and catch you. It changes your reality and the way you live your life and make decisions. You end up gaslighting yourself and living a smaller life by rules that may or may not be part of your imagination, or maybe it just depends what kind of a day the narc has had. I guess that’s why they call it crazy making.
Sending your healing vibes xxx
@@hoby7439 Thank you! Sending healing vibes right back at you. I'm sorry that happened to you. Unless someone is a professional dietician who's working with a client, controlling what a person eats is a dreadful thing to do.
Not only are goalposts arbitrary, but so are rules. That's one reason why we walk on eggshells around them. The rules always change for us but Heaven forbid we draw a line and make a rule for them. They only try to cross our boundaries to test us anyway.
@@hoby7439I was always skinny as a child. My parents, relatives, other children, even strangers would always comment on how skinny I was.
At 12 years old, a relative visiting us from out of town made a comment and something in my brain snapped. I went to the fridge that night and made the biggest cold cut sandwich I could and forced the whole thing down. Then I started getting milkshakes and largest size fries along with my regular fast food orders. Overeating became easier and easier.
I gained so much weight by the time I was 15-16 years old I started getting stretch marks on my stomach and thighs. Doctors thought I was pregnant but keeping it a secret. My parents started telling me I was too fat. My older sibling teased me relentlessly for years. I think they forgot how sensitive I was being criticized for being too skinny when I was younger.
There's no pleasing some people, ever!
it's always out of the blue, and then u wonder, what just happened? how did this happen?, I was just passing by with an armful of laundry and now i'm in a knockdowndragout ruin my day fight? i gotta pay more attention.
They choose their timing "wisely." The best time for them is always the worse time for you. They know this and adjust their schedules accordingly.
My son gave my phone number to a man who rang me and asked to meet with me after hearing about the situation of the 'church' and the destruction on my family. I agreed to meet and we met at a restaurant. We had a lovely meal and he turned to me at the end and said, "You're so easy to talk to". He invited me to his waterfront home in the Gold Coast for a break, so I accepted knowing his children were living at home and there was a spare room. We went to church services together and I interacted with his children. He offered me the use of his car as he worked during the day. What happened was that his children saw a healthy, no strings relationship which I believe left a permanent mark on them. It's easy to talk to people when there's no hidden agendas.
This video helped me finally understand why my mom told me I could decide which parent to live with when she and my dad split up for a while when I was a kid. At the time I thought it was an unfair question but she assured me she wouldn’t be mad. I decided to do what I was taught with my Christian upbringing and tell the truth. I chose the parent who wasn’t constantly being confrontational, my dad. My narc mom immediately blew up at me and said I would be living with her. But that was a horrible way to start off the next few months of living alone with her.
I'm 38yrs old. $73,000 biweekly and I'm retired, this video have inspired me greatly in many ways!!!!💚
I'm inspired.
Please spill some sugar about the bi-weekly stuff you mentioned.
It's Christina Ann Tucker doing she changed my life. A BROKER- like her is what you need.
I raised 73k and Christina Ann Tucker is to be thanked. I got my self my dream car 🚗 just last weekend, My journey with her started after my best friend came back from New York and saw me suffering in dept then told me about her and how to change my life through her. Christina A. Tucker is the kind of person one needs in his or her life! I got a home, a good wife, and a beautiful daughter. Note: this is not a promotion but me trying to make a point that no matter what happens, always have faith and keep living!!!
How can someone get connection to that woman y'all speaking bout !!?
WOW😳🤯😳 Ms Christina Ann Tucker is the real deal if you're a New Yorker you'd know her too!!!!!
They'll say something like, "Well, you have options. I don't!" to get sympathy and attention.
OMG! This was my life for 17 years. There were times there was a right answer but many times there was no correct answer for whatever I said she had this amazing method of taking ANY answer and finding fault with it.
Example using one of your hypothetical situations: "If I die will you re-marry?" One would think the correct answer is as Dr. R says: "No, I would never re-marry because no one could ever take your place in my heart and life." Sounds like a winner doesn't it.
Well, if I gave an answer like this she would call me a liar and go down the trail of accusing me of being a perpetual liar and asking why I always lie to her and that she can never trust me and on and on.
I was simply amazing how she appeared to have this sense of making sure whatever answer was given during these "tests" it was a wrong answer. I imagined it like one of those flow charts that must have been in her mind. You know, "if he says this then I respond this way, if he says that I will respond in that way" with all these strategic bifurcations to make sure it always leads to the wrong answer and inevitable "scene" or argument completed fabricated out of thin air.
After years of being confused something clicked and I realized what she was doing and it absolutely amazed me how she could do this on the fly seemingly with no real effort to do so as if she was given this "gift". It was truly amazing (but painful) to experience this.
I fail my tests on purpose. Ex said that he thinks it wouldn't work out between us. I said ok.
I had a friend, whom I didn't realise or refused to believe was narcissistic at the time. We got into a serious political argument. He sent me a video of a comedian grossly exaggerating a politician's involvement in crimes. My response was to debunk the claims that were untrue. Apparently, the "rational" thing to do was to say the politician was an a-hole. Later on, he made the mistake of telling me it had been a test. That's when the penny dropped.
Dr. Ramani your timing is perfect! I have a friend who got divorced a year ago & moved about 800 miles away. Thanks to your video tutoring I realized that she was narcissistic. She texted me yesterday saying she was worried that the wrong story had gotten out about why she got divorced & she was leery of what was being said. I was stunned. I realized that any attempt to tell her how I really felt about the whole situation (I thought her husband did the right thing, he'd put up with enough) would go nowhere. And I refused to let her start ex-husband bashing. So I told her the truth-that nobody really cares anymore. Not what she wanted to hear I'm sure! But I'm not biting on that bait.
"You're going to get I wrong anyhow so might as well be true to yourself" !! Best advice❤
Thank you Dr. Ramani. The last thing you said in this video was EXACTLY what I needed to hear and somehow no one has ever said it to me in such a clear and moving way. Your channel has brought me so much solace as I work on healing from a narcissistic abusive relationship and attempting to parent a child with that person; the absolute hardest thing I’ve ever had to do in my life. How is it that I’m surrounded by narcissists (in my family, at work, and in my romantic relationships over the years)!?
Omg so true. He'd only bring up things after giving me the silent treatment for days. I'd say this situation couldve been avoided or resolved had you communicated with me. Then hed say he was more of an observer and that his silence was him preserving himself. 😐 everything was a test and i always failed.
I needed to hear this one today. Thanks Dr. Ramani! 💐
Can we have the intro back please? 😀 When I hear it my brain wakes up in preparation for some serious Dr Ramani wisdom.
Sadly and truthfully; the NARC will always change the answers to the test EACH time ; even if and when you provide the BEST answers or responses...they change the answers based of their " In the moment mindset and mood " ...
Thank you for your work ❤
It's an impossible relationship. Devotion, love, caring, thoughtfulness, throw them out the window if you're dealing with a narcissist.
Ultimately they want you to sell your soul to them... and then that's not enough. So to get their sick twisted jollys they harm you on top of all the above.
So far from true love that it amazes me they even exist, but they do and we're aware of this behavior more than ever today. We're onto to them! Thank You Dr. Ramani.
My nex needed constant praise and reassurance. I had to drop what I was doing the moment he walked through the door, even if I was with someone at the time. He'd regularly say self degrading comments to get me to praise him. Nothing was ever for enough, he was always waiting for the next thing.
Love the comment "You're going to get it wrong, you may as well be true to yourself"
My now ex BF was testing his ability to financially trap me. First, it was trying to get me into more debt to grow my business so I would become dependent upon him to be a partnered worker, then he suggested that if he ran out of money sooner from non-essential spending while unemployed, that certainly I wouldn't mind supporting him?
Even after our separation, he told me that the gov't will be garnishing his wages to collect back taxes, so things are gonna get tight. "Maybe for you, a$$hole!!" Anything to try to get out of supporting his children. Sadly, we aren't divorced yet and still going through this mess. Hopefully, it will end soon. 😢
Like prison 😎
Never more !!!!
Brilliant maam...!! The last sentence was so heartfelt...❤❤
Fantastic!! That explains a few things! Good thing I'm authentic!!
The ex narc tested me with the coming of his grandchild.
"What do you want to be called, what name do you want the baby to call you?"
(Example: grandma, memaw, granny, etc..
This was immediately after the announcement of pregnancy.
This question was continually brought up.
Time and time again, i would respond with, "we'll see" or "itll happen when it happens" and " "when baby is old enough baby will say what baby wants my grandmom name to be"...
The(grandmother) name for me didnt matter, because i knew we werent going to stay married, the abuse was peaking at this point.
My inner self knew, the day would come to fruition of leaving the narc and the relationship with my stepdaughter would abruptly end.
Something similar happened to me when my sister-in-law was pregnant and my brother told me that instead of being called "aunt", I would be called "chuchi" (the Polish equivalent) and I got annoyed because my other three nieces and nephew called me "aunt" and "chuchi" just made me sound old and it felt like an insult. Brother and I no longer speak for so many reasons similar to the one described.
OMG! just the other day while we were watching tv, my GF (69), who is currently using a walker while she recovers from a fall, told me she discovered an elevator she could take up from below ground level to street level from where we go to grocery shop. I said that’s great, and we continue watching. A few minutes later, she pauses the movie and says “it hurts when the person closest to you doesn’t support you”. Unbeknownst to me, the correct response was to treat her like a child who just learnt how to tie her shoes. There is NEVER the right response in the moment - there is almost always an oversized emotional disruption, followed by, “you could have said…” . Twice in as many days this week… so far.
So grateful for your channel. I believe I just evaded an N. only met three times but, within one week the phones calls and love bombing was so strong. Date one, and two (or rather meeting 1 and 2,) he ignored my boundaries consistantly. After meeting two he chose to call me late at night, (knowing I go to bed early,) and then turned around and called early in the morning, (during my morning routine.) I broke it off with him. A couple hours later he called back with a 'new to me' reply to this and I gave him another try, agreeing to meet a third time, (at an outdoor place midway between our homes.) I met him and realized he definitely was the same person I elected to end it with. Had a cordial time, while he continue to violate my boundaries left and right. Yet, when we left he said he would call me, likely late that night, I said okay. Meanwhile he had already agreed to help me with an errand the next morning. When he didn't call that night, or show up to help the next morning I thought... oh, he is pulling instead of pushing... this is my chance to break free, (only three meetups and the irony of realizing I needed to break free wasn't lost on me.) Several hours later he texted that he would call me later. I thought, oh, this is a good time to block and delete his number. I know I didn't need any more of this. Clearly I felt tested over and over in the less than 6 hours total we spent in each other's company yet the love bombing phone calls and texts...were just more than enough. OH!! Also, very bad is that not only was he kissing me during those six hours and what not but, also biting, and pinching, where he absolutely should not have. Definitely more than an N. SOOOO glad I got that second chance to pull the plug but, followed it up with block and delete!! Also glad that he managed to ask about my home and I told him how every neighbor around me is like family and we all look out for each other and they have called and checked up on me in the past when they noticed if I was out late, (as well, he does not know my address. Phew! Def trouble. Thank you Dr Ramani!!
I needed this information forty years ago.
Wow. So spot on. My ex was always passive aggressive and expected me to “fix” all of his issues or do everything perfectly.
He's told me this in exactly those words. He said, "I like to test people," with a sinister grin on his face.
For the second point of work commitment, my narc was absolutely opposite.
For example, I told him that i have a meeting today at 2pm
And he will take me out (for his works) before that by committing that we will be back before 2
Now if I put a proxy to my meeting and help him finish his work, suddenly at 3 pm he will ask that oh you had a meeting right?
And when I say that yeah but we were at your work, so I put a proxy and it's alright, he will thrash me badly that shame on you that you compromise with your work.. who asked you to put a proxy? Did I say that my work is so important that you sacrifice your work and make me feel small that I don't respect your work?? You should be ashamed that you don't respect your work..
And I wonder that what was the way out? When you knew that I had a meeting, why you took me out.
Guys, no hate messages please, i understand my mistakes today, but not at that time..
Now I m out of that shit
My entire relationship felt like a job interview whereby I never knew if I got the job.
There were limitless conditions to meet, which constantly changed without warning.
Needless to say, he always found something about me to criticise.
“Will you marry someone if I die?” That one got me. The follow up questions “who would you marry?” And then try and pick a spouse for you. This whole line of stupid questions…..can you tell I lived through these discussions? Hahaha…..ugh….thank you for another insightful video. It’s so nice to know others have lived this. It makes quite the difference to know that this is truly a pattern of behavior and that I wasn’t crazy, wondering if this was “normal”….when it clearly was “normal” for a narcissist but not me. The games! Ugh!
Keeping me sane on these streets, dr Ramani. ❤
Amen sis, amen. Always by true to myself
My mom does this all the time...she especially does this with family obligations.
It's like talking to the police. Whatever you say, they will figure out how to use it against you. So less is more.
It is quite fascinating. For the last weeks the new videos have a tendency to hit exactly the spot in my current work on distancing from a parent. Just today happened something that i would call a fair mix of testing and lovebombing.
Its exhausting to always be on guard. Ugh! Can you think about
doing a video about an alcohol narc? Thank you for your videos. They grounded me when our narc daughter used our grandkids as weapons against us. Poor children.
Being true to myself means going NO contact.
I KNOW you're following me candy&kim. you 2 are pathetic.
God bless you Ramani! 🙏🏼
Thank you so much for this! Puts things in perspective for me.
Keep being you and responding in ways that are true to you. Thank you 🙏 ❤
They make passive aggressive comments to bait you because they are bored. If they can get you upset, they got negative supply, and they feel powerful. If they say, Your house is messy and makes me feel stressed. Say: Hmmm, it doesn’t seem to affect me. You have just disarmed them by not taking their bait. They are stunned into silence.
Thank you for @6:25. It really makes me feel better.
Ironically enough, my mother started this two days ago and sent me a "I'm disappointed" message (did not open but I could see the preview) because I did not respond to her life "falling apart" in the way she wanted me to; I've been ignoring the message as I've been sick, but I think I will respond with a grey rock "I'm sorry you feel that way" message once my spouse is with me to calm me down and distract me.
I enjoy failing the narcs tests.
This video is so spot on it could be specifically about my exe. She does exactly that first example over and over again.
Just separated from an old friend, because I wasn't responding anymore like she was used to. I am finishing my two years of therapy, and guess what? The moment I worked on me growing up with a narcissist mother and doing the mourning and radical acceptance that there's no happy ending, no matter how much I self sacrifice myself.. friendships change and some people are welcome to stay and other will be able to survive without me being warm, optimistic, patient, helpful and fun while they are grumpy energy vampires 😅
Yep, my narc expected me to be a mind reader and when I wasn't would either berate me like a child OR file it away in their little mental notebook and wait for the most opportune moment to spring it on me and make me look like a huge jerk. I finally called them out on their gaslighting and they wrote a whole rant down of all the petty mistakes and slights I had made against them and then read it out to me in a super long pathetic rant. When I told them it was ridiculous they said those things "needed to be said". I went no contact and have never felt better!
These individuals are sick.
Their behaviour is disgusting and they often seem to find and secure the nicest people to destroy 😕☹️😟
My ex narc tested me to see what I appropriate behavior he could get away with. Caught him on dating sites? He’d say he would stop. But he wouldn’t. Every time I overlooked inappropriate relationship behavior he’d ratchet it up another notch. It was a constant test to see how “accepting and loving” (ick) I was. Unfortunately I fell for it for many toxic years.
"You're gonna get wrong anyhow, you might as well be true to yourself" ❤
Thank you for your advice!
Thanks Dr R... sometimes I watch your posts to reenforce what I'm already doing...Thank you...
God bless you dr Ramani. 😔🩷💜
Either: "to respond in a way that feels right to you" or even better ... walk away and leave that toxic relationship 😅😂
When I think back to that time with the narcs, the testing moments are the most irritating for me, I feel so used and abused
Keep your head upright
Incredibly helpful!!
I'll never forget one year for Thanksgiving my husband and I were able to fly for free to England for the weekend, starting on Thurs since it seems no one flies to Europe during this time. My mom had a fit. Keep in mind I was married and 25 years old and had spent 25 Thanksgivings with her; but that didn't matter, "I was selfish, only thinking about myself," etc. Keep in mind also, she was not alone and there would be about 20 other relatives with her. Between this, all her lies, and keeping herself in the forefront always, and loving to hear from people, "Oh poor Betty..." I'm realizing she was a narcissist.
Oh yes, the holidays and special events. This, too, was the incident finally opening my eyes to mom's disorder.
I have no intentions of going back to a healthy relationship with her. It is not possible and not much healthy to begin with.
I once gave an honest answer to a narcissistic relative. He asked "What's the most important thing our family is known for?"
Without missing a beat I replied "Our tempers."
Gee, I wonder if I passed his test with flying colors? 😊