Red Flags, Icks, and Toxic Traits… Is Dating Doomed?
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- Опубліковано 28 вер 2024
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Chapters:
00:14 - Icks
01:45 My first time getting the ick
02:38 - The psychology of icks
02:51 - The evolutionary perspective
04:22 - The attachment style perspective
05:30 - The having different values perspective
06:33 - The it’s complex perspective
07:19 - What to do when you experience the ick
07:47 - You don’t have to go through it alone
09:42 - Red flags
09:44 - What’s a red flag?
10:30 - Breaking down a common red flag
11:48 - An example from my life
12:47 - Calling you out
14:05 - Have red flags gone too far?
15:15 - Gaslighting
15:17 - What is gaslighting?
15:30 - What it can look like
18:20 - Scenario example
19:26 - Not necessarily a red flag
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Hey Lana! Just some constructive feedback, but girlie, BH is not really all that. They dont care about their clients, the therapists and only look for profits. There are plenty of videos on the topic. They don't fit your vibe either, so I'm still surprised you continue to accept their sponsorship. As someone who tried BH and eventually turn to traditional therapy (that also exists online) - BH is nowhere near the caliber of the therapy I found from my own research.
Hey, wanted to reiterate the above, I really like your channel but I can't keep watching your videos if you keep promoting BH. As a creator you are responsible to do your research on your sponsors and I trust you are smart enough to have done it. Thus this kinda seems like bad judgement :( pls stop cuz I really love ur content haha, lots of love❤️
For someone with such an analytical mind you should be made aware (if you aren't already) that Darwin's Theory of Evolution is incorrect. The suggested mechanism for the origin of species (excluding minor variations) is simply not viable. A random process is not capable of all that has been attributed to it. Nor does the fossil record support the "gradualism" that lies at the very heart of the theory. Just thought I'd mention it because the theory profoundly affects so many peoples outlook on life. I am hardly alone in these realizations... they are not from "the fringe". Best wishes to you.
By the pen and what they write,
Divine wisdom, endless light,
In Islam, the truth displayed,
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From depths of cosmos, vast and grand,
To smallest atom, His hidden hand,
The Quran speaks of skies and earth,
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So here, in faith, with hearts aligned,
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Islam’s beacon, forever bright,
Guiding all in this sacred light.
❤️
.........
In realms where light and wisdom gleam,
Where truth surpasses every dream,
There is an eternal, boundless name,
God, in all His glory, the same.
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God's wisdom, mercy, justice shine,
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A guiding light, His mercy shown,
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Easing burdens, calming fears.
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Of Ali, brave and wise and strong,
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A guiding star through joys and pains.
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A guiding force through every night.
Muhammad Baqir, wisdom’s core,
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........
❤️
Hussain, the martyr, stood so tall,
For justice, truth, he gave his all,
In Karbala, his message stays,
A symbol bright for righteous ways.
❤️🌹
I'm so happy to see finally someone talk about it! A lot of the times things end up getting too far on social media and nobody addresses it.
When did we go from "cringe" to "Ick"? And, the lack of tolerance shown, especially by the younger generations is a major cringe, ick for me. People have become so openly self righteous & judgemental - thinking they are holiar than thou, it's sick. Definitely projecting their own insecurities. When you're a content person who holds a high self value and self-esteem you don't even think about or care what others do. You just feel indifferent to everyone else that isn't in your direct circle or your jam. And when you meet a person you may be interested in and they don't have the qualities you're into you don't judge them, you simply move along- knowing everyone is not going to be just like you. Thank God! We can't change others, only our reaction to them.
this is quite wise
Really well said!
@@sofia_aesi yess
Exactly 💯, totally agree with you. Concepts I live by. If you see someone is not good, why make any deal out of it. The attitude of openly judging to people is quite toxic when you can just as easily ignore. I wouldn’t say anything to them or others and just cut them off if they not being a pest. Even when dealing with very serious things concerning unshakable harassers, in public in front of people you know, act with goodness and wisdom. To be successful, if you can’t do good to others, don’t ever do harm unnecessarily and always behave with dignity because you need to play the long game to see what would be most beneficial. You don’t let others control you or lower you, as need to rise above many things, don’t let your emotions dictate your behavior and act wisely. We focus on ourselves and less on others to maintain peace and save our time and energy.
I haven't watched this yet, and will, but I think so many icks are mainly a byproduct of online dating and people's lower attention spans in general than decades passed...
The slightest thing not perfect with someone then people convinced that someone else is right around the corner...if not frustrated with having to take part in the paradox of choice, so they choose solitude in the form of more "digital options to indulge in" if you catch my drift sadly.
Interesting take
@@LanaBlakely The right take actually. Many people are suffering from social anhedonia and feel underwhelmed by everyone they meet. Learn to accept peoples flaws, or even better, love the flaws of another person.
17:00 The difference between having 2 different visions about something and gasligthing is very subtle, i would say that sometimes you cannot even make that distinction, i would say that it's gaslighting when someone negates objective provable facts
Your voice is very calming, and everytime I see your videos I always get relaxed.
I feel so much calm and that makes me think about my problems and how to fix them.
You deserve the best of life.
I wish you success.❤ I'm your fan Lana!
Thank you for being one of the few, sane people left on the internet
Good video, I actually had sort of a realization at one point in my life that I sorta expected people to have the same values as myself, for example if I invited people and they canceled I sorta got angry and so on. But then I started to view each person as a person with a bubble of values around them and that this bubble was different for each person.
When I started to view people like this I could instead handle them with their bubble in mind, for example if you want to do something with a person that might cancel on you you can either call them the same day and ask them to meet or make plans where you shop for the food and cook it when you meet them.
In the same way if you fight with your partner over who should do the dishes, who should vacuum and so on, just get a dishwasher, robotic vacuum cleaner and so on and put that problem to rest permanently.
Of course there are some traits that are always a big no like if a person is criminal, have drug problems or is just a downward spiral type of person.
No one is perfect; everyone makes mistakes, "icky" stuff at times. What matters most is the willingness to improve and become a better person. If one is not willing, well, that's an ick. 😁
Hey Lana it’s been a month, where have you gone??? 😊
To all the young(er) people watching this, save your mental health and stop chasing women/guys. Instead, spend your time on mindfulness and doing things you enjoy with the people you enjoy doing them with. Dating today is a slippery slope and a prescription for needless trouble in your life. The most recent information shows that fewer and fewer people are dating/marrying today than ever before in recorded history. You wonder why?!? 52m never married.
My ick is when they're not matching the energy I am giving, when I am clear that I like them, then they give me the cold shoulder. That's probably a reasonable ick.
lana is love
Lana went from owning Sunday’s to owning Friday’s.
It's just like with criminals. The biggest ones get ignored, the most insignificant ones get all the attention.
just in timee lana🥺. i couldn't need more.
Great video Lana. :)
Like 82 really good video editor 😇
Attachment leads to jealousy. The shadow of greed.
Hi Lana why don't you make adulting 101 which no one tells you about growing as an young adult...
I'm gonna turn 20 this year & I feel so alone like I see nobody really cares about you enough to even ask how am I doing & all . I see not a single person to be interested enough to even have a good conversation & build friendship. All they do is work related talks & other surface level small talk...seems nobody really cares to have meaningful friendship around nor do they share their happenings in life....I really don't know how to navigate all through these.
After all I feel much understanding of others, their povs & not taking anything so personally where I supress my emotions which nobody cares to understand.
What should I do ?
I really look up to you & want serious help as a video how to face life❤
I'm a 32-year-old woman who has never had a long-term relationship...please tell me people don't largely think that's a red flag :( :( :(
I wouldn't see it as a red flag, I could even see it as a plus. But then I'm mid 40's and haven't been in a relationship myself so my views might not be very mainstream. Haha
Don't worry. I'm 30 years old and I'm in the same situation. Possibly some people say it is a red flag, but since I cannot do much about that fact, I just don't think about it. Hopefully, It won't be seen like that for the right people.
It's not a red flag.
That's not a red flag. Not being in a relationship isn't a red flag, not in the slightest.
It is if you're not pure still
Lana was that you singing at the end?? 😂
Who else like the (table of content) type of style
If only I could find someone like you, Lana -- kind , level-headed, soft spoken, well-read, considered, bilingual, attractive. 🦄
I feel like there's probably many social dynamics involved in all these labels and things getting tossed around.
For one the internet overall gives us greater exposure to these labels and there is a trend the internet brings out the worst in people.
Or perhaps paint things in black and white, polarizing the options? I feel like the "one partner wants to marry, the other doesn't" kinda falls into this category.
Where often we can negotiate about these things too, in relationships. I may not have a personal preference for marriage myself, but its negotiable for the right partner. For example.
To me the whole "ick" thing is something akin to personal preference, which can come from a myriad of places, including societal values.
But in the end we all have varying levels of tolerance for these things. I feel like some 10-20 years ago we had less of these labels and overanalysing/polarising these things when it came to relationships or love overall. It came, at least from my perspective, more from a place of "trying to build something together". But something has certainly changed over the last decade even I don't have the words for it.
Dear Lana
In one of your previous videos you spoke about that one guy who was your dream date and then he left. As long as you are stuck on him you will never find new love. Because you will always compare and be disappointed
Why is it a red flag when you have a friend that always copies you? I feel like that’s been my entire life 😂
I don't actually know! Perhaps it's a sign they don't really have their own "identity" and are jealous of you? Like they lack a sense of self. And perhaps that will lead to unhealthy competition?
@@LanaBlakely ohhhhhhhhh, that’s definitely been my life story. Food for thought 🤔
How is no one talking about 20:51? To me, it's a green flag 😂
No one watched the whole video 😜
I've noticed you have been uploading videos at different times. Used to be Sundays in the late morning or early afternoon (my time). Is there any particular reason for this?
It's been more convenient for a variety of reasons, but I'll be going back to Sundays!
I will never stop telling you: You have a wonderful voice!!!🎵
Thanks Lana
This girlie>>>>>>>>>
Lana ❤
jealousy breeds envy specially of those regarded as less than.
13:44 yes ma’am 🥲
We're in a generation where a minor thing is a huge problem. Jeez
Please subtitles 😄😄
I once studied SAT vocabulary in 11th grade English class. Is there a gaslighting term for 'confusion by the use of vague and unspecified vocabulary'?
GF: "I effected that guy-slaughter by the use of verbiage that fits within the Automatic-Win category. Doesn't all gaslighting tie back in to the #CaseyAnthony story?
A] George Anthony was a cop.
B] How many enemy combatants during Vietnam forged papers to fight subversively for the Vietcong while supposedly supporting American troops.
🇲🇽🇲🇽🇲🇽 Define "innuendo"?
Was Zanny the Nanny a cam-girl who at least shared some embryological history with Casey?
Is there something that Lana does wrong?
character development isn't even allowed anymore, you're immediately stamped as 'red flag' - don't wanna hear from it no more
My ick would be a girl wearing heels with sarees.
Hey Lana , really nice video ! I was wondering if I could help you with more Quality Editing in your videos and also make a highly engaging Thumbnail and also help you with the overall youtube strategy and growth ! Pls let me know what do you think ?
🥰my favorite UA-camr
Lana Blakely , Hello
☕.. Be aware of your PERCEPTIONs of the world around you, Lady! 😁😁😁
Easily for you if this deeting
dive for give some one need answer is the easy are them
I just like to hear you speak...something about it... I'm sure that it would be nice to have a conversation with you, as for the topic of " friendship between men and women " , no, a man can't have a girl best friend, at least during fertile ages, most will deny it to not be judged, perhaps later in life when the urge to procreate is gone it is more of a genuine reality...though not before...now this doesn't mean that a man can't be the best friend of his girl and vice versa....perfect movie that confirms this is " There's something about Lana...Err..might have been Mary " ...
Essentially, men that pretend to be best friends are secretly in love and believe they will be the last man standing in her life...and it ruins it for men that are honest about a supposed friendship with a women...the only other reality where a man can be a friend of a fertile age woman is if they both like the same taste in clothes and are more of a girlfriend than male friend...
Have a wonderful weekend,
-ER x
It is doomed until women make the first move
This is stupid, grow up people. Accept folks for their strengths and weaknesses. "Icks" are just self-projections, when you start judging others take a moment to reflect. Odds are that you're seeing a behavior that you dislike in yourself.
Completely untrue. I dislike people with a shitty attitude. I once went out for a dinner at a restaurant with my friends and one of them talked so rudely with the waiter which was unexpected but he only did that because that waiter was from a different race/ethnicity. It was some sort of a racist behavior and I have stopped talking with him since that day cause he always gives justification for his shitty behaviors especially towards poor people who are working hard to earn money.
I simply dislike people who don't take accountability for their shitty behaviors towards others. It's unacceptable for me.
I would rather leave these kind of people than supporting them for their shitty ass behavior lol
I'm tired of being single. I'm 27, best shape ever in every way and can't find a gf and on the other hand I see dudes uglier, doing and having half the stuff I do getting gfs, like...
LOL
Maybe the whole problem is your attitude about it lol
❤❤❤
💐💐💐
We all looking for the PERFECT partner, he/she doesn't exist, that's gonna drive anyone of us in to depression/loneliness/sadness, that's the problem nowadays, ''he/she isn't that'', you may think this is ''funny'' in your early 20's posting it on tiktok, but you gotta stop when you over 30, let those extreme standards go you gonna regret it when you over 50 and still be alone with those standards, it's actually healthy to have differences so you wouldn't be together 24/7, you gonna get on each other nerves, yes there are people who are more suitable for each other, but you cannot go to every house in the world setting up a Q&A to interview to look for that partner, we don't live that long, even if it comes down to 95% match they might be married or isn't this or that, i know you don't wanna be hurt, but even the most suitable one can hurt you and other way around, ''in good and bad days, in sickness and in health'' remember ? yes it's romantic when you do stuff together but bet you get frustrated after a while when you together 24/7 this is not "the notebook".
I would say something completely normal is not having any friends. It is completely normal and fine to not have any friends.
United States Upper Class try to"Put in Boxes"and"Standardize"people,relashionships,race,gender,this sucks...how you dont date a Hot Brasilian man like me?we love Parties..and holydays..
Ye kitne awesome hai yar ❤❤
1:26
Ick...😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Fak bois for the win 😂😂
Ciao tesoro❤
you just gotta remember to be yourself and have fun TBH ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Emotional manipulation is a serious red flag. Whenever I show kindness to people around me, some of them take advantage of my kindness to the point that I regret being kind and "lose my mind". This makes me feel like something is wrong with me. That being said, it may not always be worthy showing respect to certain people if they don't mind respecting good people.
I relate to this as a female
People tend do take such people for granted
Easily for you if this deeting
dive for give some one need answer is the easy are them
Interesting video content, My relationship of 5 years ended a month ago. The love of my life decided to leave me, I really love her so much I can’t stop thinking about her, I’ve tried my very best to get her back in my life, but to no avail, I’m frustrated, I don’t see my life with anyone else. I’ve done my best to get rid of the thoughts of her, but I can’t, I don’t know why I’m saying this here, I really miss her and just can’t stop thinking about her
its difficult to let go of someone you love, i was in a similar situation, my relationship of 12 years ended, but i couldnt just let him go i did all i could to get him back, i had to seek the help of a spiritual counselor who helped me bring him back
Amazing, how did you get a spiritual counselor, and how do i reach her?
Her name is shelly renee white , and she is a great spiritual counselor who can bring back your ex.
Thank you for this valuable information, i just looked her up now online. impressive
My first relationship ended a week ago.
Please note: If you are in your late 20s/early 30s still talking about icks, the problem is you. Spoiler alert, but if you want a meaningful and long term relationship, you're gonna have to accept that your partner is gonna have some gross imperfections. We all got them. We're all human. If your ick is as shallow as them being months younger than you, not liking your favorite movie, and etc. you're never gonna find a partner. It's honestly kinda interesting that the people I know who talk about those type of shallow icks are 9 times out of 10 the ones who've never been in a healthy relationship, never been in a long term, or just haven't been in one period.
Well said. A buddy of mine was interested in this girl for a long time. A group of them were going to watch a Star Wars movie and the girl he liked said, "I'm okay, I don't like watching Star Wars," and my buddy thought she was so wack for that. I just remember thinking, "Bro, it's just a movie (franchise)."
There's a friend I've liked for a long time and she doesn't like anime, while I do (but I don't LOVE anime). To me, it's healthier to have different interests. And I don't think your personal interests directly identify you. They're just things that tickle your fancy at the moment and some moments last longer than others. It's not worth giving up on someone who could potentially work out longer than a few fleeting moment.
I agree with your statement. The only thing I would respectfully disagree with is the “never having been in a relationship before” whether long term or not being a problem. Some of us just grew up with very strict parents growing up and weren’t allowed to date. In my case, as an adult I sort of distanced myself from very good men who simply were not going the direction I wanted to go in life. Some of us want to find ourselves first before trying to find ourselves in romantic relationships. ❤ just putting this out there for those of us who have been looked down upon for choosing to stay alone.
You have become a therapist for us. The way you are making us aware of situations that could give us a unwanted,stressful life, which could even leave us with mental health issues. Thank you so much for your guidance❤
❤❤❤
We all have icks. It's unavoidable like blemishes on our skin or weeds in a garden
i listen to u to fall asleep every night. ur soothing and calm voice>>>
I can help with this. Women are attracted to masculinity. The ick is basically when a woman feels unnattracted when the man does something that is the opposite of masculinity. Thats why its mostly women that feel it. For example, you felt the ick when your crush was annoying everybody, his behavior in that moment was likely born from insecurity. It sounds like he was trying to gain approval and be liked. You subconsciously noticed this. This was very childish behavior. He acted like a little boy, not a man. So you felt the "ick" in that moment, because you liked him and were hoping to see more attractive and masculine behavior, like confidence and calm and maturity. Instead, you seen him annoy everybody and not have the awareness to recognize it as if he were a child.
Also, if the man generally acts like a child or has many behaviors motivated by insecurity, this shows the opposite of confidence, and if this keeps up, the woman loses a lot of attraction, which is why she starts noticing lots of small things that bother her.
This is not evolutionary by the way. This is how we are designed. It's always been this way. Women are romantically attracted to masculinity, and men are romantically attracted to femininity. That creates the sexual polarity. When we see the opposite energy type in our partner MUCH TOO OFTEN, we tend to lose that sexual and romantic attraction for them, but that attraction can go back up if our partner gets it together again. Understanding this can really help us maintain romantic relationships.
Can you tell me about your view on why men get the ick ? Cuz you explained this really well but i just need to understand how men possibly get the ick from women since not many shows masculine behaviors, also i’m from a very closed society i can decide for myself that if i saw a childish insecure men it will give me the ick and these are the main things all women gets turned off from, but what are the things that turn off men from women?
I tried to understand it from people on tiktok but i feel men only started doing *what gives me the ick* as a come back on women so I wouldn’t rely on that
@@Darona33 Feminine things that give women the ick are not the same things that give men the ick. Men prefer feminine behavior. At least the masculine ones do.
The only things that turn men off that are different are things that involve a woman trying to be more masculine than her man. For example, it is more masculine to take the lead. So if a woman is always trying to take the leadership role over the man or trying to take charge of everything and tries to get him to submit to her, that's going to be a huge turn off. Also, if she holds her feelings back and she tries to be more stoic, this can ruin the sexual polarity as well. Also disrespect. Men and women both need respect, but disrespect can truly take down a man's interest heavily. Keep in mind though that this only turns the more MASCULINE men off. There are many feminine, or complacent, or just lazy men out there that are happy to let their woman do everything and take the lead with everything and that don't take into account their woman's feelings, and would rather overly express their own to a fault.
Other than that, there are also some of the same things that turn women off that turn good men off. Like immaturity, the lack of self-control, the unwillingness to self-reflect, rudeness, lack of effort, hautiness, and an unwillingness to communicate appropriately.
Also, keep in mind that a man only finds a woman he is truly interested in once or twice a decade. So some men become desperate and start to accidentally display unnattractive behavior because they fear losing someone they really like.
1:03 Mewing is the technique of resting your tongue on the roof of your mouth to get a more defined jawline.
I read up on the psychology of icks and one of the explanations I’ve come across is that icks are visceral disgust responses, I.e the gag reflex. The responses were important for our ancient ancestors as they helped them avoid anything that can cause diseases. These disgust responses have in modern times evolved to inform our social norms to help us avoid anti social people. Hence the icks and red flags.
I’m screwed. I’m a bit antisocial lol
It is awful to be in a relationship with a toxic partner. My best friend is currently in one and I am glad that I have witnessed it because it is showing me exactly what to avoid.
I may be wrong, but if someone is in a toxic relationship, doesn't that make that person toxic as well in some way to stay in that relationship?
@@D_Jilla After seeing toxic relationships I tend to agree with you, also if a non toxic person stays in a toxic relationship too long they will become toxic themselves.
Toxic people do one thing right. They teach you how to spot symptoms of abuse at an early stage next time
You can explain so good! Thank you so much for this entertaining AND educational video :D
Mismatched socks are my thing. And by "thing" I mean opposite of ick. I'll admit to brushing off muggle insufficiencies because they were hot. never again.
Red Flags, Icks, and Toxic Traits are just justifications for not liking the person. If you actually love the person you won't mind those things. Relationships doesn't have to be perfect you just have to learn your partner's imperfection.
I’ve found this to be true oftentimes.
Sis... thank you so much for this video. I started to cry at the "Gaslighting" part because it's something that happend a lot to me with family members and also in relationships, but I never really paid attention to label what was actually happening. That was so important to me ❤❤
I can totaly relate.. it's a horrible feeling!
Girl best friend - it's a paradox :)
If a man is attractive (to some women in general), it's only a time before the woman "wants more" (or they end up in bed :D).
And now the most interesting thing - it says the worst about him when she doesn't want anything from him - something isn't right with him :D
So... no :)
*Unfortunately, I don't read much anymore - max 15-30 books/year, so unfortunately I'm out :(((
BR,
Your ICK :D:D:D
Love your videos Lana you are the best
Love your videos & mindset so much!!! ❤
my guy cheated on his 6 years long girlfriend with me
i had no idea until 3 months into our relationship she found out through our mutual friend and call me up
i told her everything truthfully that i had no idea cause he came to me first and initiated the relationship
that day itself he broke up with her and beg me to forgive him
it’s 7 months now i still cannot trust this guy anymore
Another great topic ❤
The Sweaty Sticky Babies would be a great band name.
Should I trademark
@@LanaBlakely
Absolutely affirmative.
great video but my ick is that you're still promoting better help after all the stuff that got revealed :(
Whats the way to approach women?
Haha MEW (Pokémon?) 😂
Lana is taking something as she is getting hotter by the video.
Finally 🎉
ok i don't want to take away attention from the video but dang that's a nice singing voice
i love and appreciate this video!
it helped me recognize some triggers from past trauma like when you mentioned gaslighting
the fact that I know that has happened so many times to me in my childhood terrifies me.
Yes yes toxic people out for them they went woman and right things in life now and God bless you too amen 😊😊
I have no idea what your personal life is but if you can focus more on the ideal man than your 1.6 million subscribers you would be set. All your videos are putting out subconsciously repelling an ideal man weather you know it or not. Such a beautiful women does'nt deserves that.
I used to watch your videos like 4 years ago. Whats new? Are you married already?
This was very informative Lana!! Thanks, now I know!!
Finally a video that talks about the other side of this tooo. 😊 We oftentimes take everything a bit tooo far!
Wanna a long video about narcissist abuse and moving out of it
You voice is just like a therapy to me 😫... I love you soooooo soo much 🤍
Du hjelpe me høyre godt spesial therapy Høyre Shoulder Paralysis’s og Høyre Armm Paralysis’s Til Høyre Footen Paralysis’s Painful Pain. ... Unnslysed .... til now 2015 to 2024 sammen 😶😶😔😔😔✝️🛐✝️🛐✝️🛐✝️🛐👼👼👼👼👼Takk
Love from nagaland india
It's safe to assume most vvomen have done OF or will. Ick. Most have done things that would make the vomit. Ick. Chivalry is dead and vvomen killed it.
Amazing Video! But I was left wondering... What exactly did that guy mean with "Xerox it"?... to copy it? to file it?... Pokemon?
Probably Pokemon